218 - The Sitter Cancelled

Did you know that Nightfall is not just a podcast, it's also books?

That's right.

It's like movies for your ears, but in written word form.

We have four script collections that are fully illustrated with behind-the-scenes intros for every single episode.

And then we have three novels.

The first Welcome to Nightfall novel, in which two women have their lives turned upside down by a mysterious man in a tan jacket.

We reveal the origin of that, the man man in the tan jacket in that one.

Then the New York Times best-selling thriller, It Devours, in which we really try to get to the bottom of a certain smiling god.

Finally, my favorite, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home.

Part pirate adventure, part haunted house, all faceless old woman.

Find the three novels and four script books wherever you get books.

Okay,

enjoy this episode of a podcast.

There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

There's only one DC.

Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

All roads lead to Rome.

All streets streets lead to Cincinnati.

All avenues simply loop back to where they started.

Welcome to Night Vale.

I apologize for this listeners, but I have my son Esteban with me in the studio.

Our sitter chanted Bloody Mary three times in a dark bathroom and was subsumed into the dimension of eternal pain, which as you can imagine is really annoying for us.

Like, okay Kylan, maybe trap yourself inside a torture dimension on your own time, but we're working adults and we need child care.

I tried to get Carlos to take Esteban to the lab, but apparently today they're doing a dangerous experiment and he doesn't want want our son to get hurt.

I'm not sure I believe that.

I think Carlos might just want some time alone to work on his TikTok dances.

He's obsessed these days with getting one to go viral, and he's putting a few too many hours into choreographing and filming these things.

But whatever.

I don't mind having my child with me.

I might need to occasionally take a second during the broadcast, but you won't even notice.

Our headline news today concerns the university of what it is.

After the shocking crime of Dr.

Janet Lubell, in which she murdered Sarah Sultan by explaining that a fist-sized river rock couldn't be sentient, calls went up all over town, and especially from the community radio station, during my show, from my mouth into this mic, to banish the university from Nightvale and arrest Janet Lubell for crimes against a river rock.

But the city council refused refused to act, insisting that their job was to remain impartial.

I think they're actually just afraid Dr.

Lubell will explain them away next.

Impatient with the slow turning of the wheels of government, Nightvale citizens have correctly taken it upon themselves to expel this infection from the town body.

There is a great march.

A seething mass of bodies, torches aloft, screaming for the blood of...

Hmm?

Yeah, Esteban honey?

honey.

Oh, you need a snack.

Okay, well, let me see what we have here.

Um, I've got cheddar earthworms, pumpkin spice, beef, jerky, uh, flaming hot Cheerios.

Oh, the Cheerios?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, let me put them in your cup that's shaped like a large, anatomically correct eyeball.

So cute.

Okay,

please try to get at least as many Cheerios in your mouth as you do on the floor, okay?

Okay.

Now where was I?

Uh

oh I forget.

Oh well, let's get to the next story.

A message from the Nightvale Medical Board.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that there's something off about the 10th doctor.

She's pale, and her skin is baggy, and her mouth seems very wide.

The nine doctors first noticed last May when the 10th doctor didn't show up for their usual monthly Doctor Happy Hour at Gino's Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar.

Dr.

Klein said, oh, where is Dr.

Wilcox?

Dr.

Tang agreed, Dr.

Wilcox always comes to these things.

It's not the same without her.

Dr.

Byers suggested that they call Dr.

Wilcox, but Dr.

Wilcox did not pick up.

So the next day, Dr.

Alvarez stopped by the house of Dr.

Wilcox and found her standing on the lawn.

She had flies crawling on her face and a strange red line snaking through her right eye.

Are you okay, Susanna?

Dr.

Alvarez asked, and Dr.

Wilcox said, oh, I'm fine.

How kind of you to ask.

Except her voice emanated from the earth below their feet instead of from her mouth, which is where her voice usually came from.

After that, Dr.

Alvarez made an excuse about leaving the microwave on and that he had to go, and he sidled away from Dr.

Wilcox's home, never once turning his back to her.

The Knightville Medical Board advises that you do not see Dr.

Wilcox about any medical emergencies, and if you find her in your house, do not panic or make sudden movements.

She really doesn't seem to like sudden movements.

This has been a message from the Knightville Medical Board.

Let's have some town gossip.

Ooh, I love gossip.

It's like life, but you have to pick sides.

Okay, so a friend of a friend told me that Raheem, one of the baristas in the Brista district, well, he's been seeing Hubert, who runs that curiosity shop downtown.

You know, the shop that sells you that one special item, the one you desire so much, but then your desire turns out to be your own downfall.

It's a lovely place to take a date.

Well, it turns out, the whole time, Hubert has been married to one of the lizard people who live in the caverns deep under the scrublands.

Right?

Can you believe it?

So whenever Hubert was like, I must take a work trip to far off lands to search out cursed goods for my cursed shop, He was actually visiting his lizard husband, Alan.

And here's the thing: this only came out because Raheem was planning to propose to Hubert.

He had rented a party boat down at the waterfront and everything, but then Hubert realized he could be in some real legal trouble if he tries to marry two people.

So at that point, he comes clean.

And of course, Raheem is, you know, devastated, and Hubert is trying to act like he's the victim in all this.

And Hubert is claiming, get this, that he practices unethical non-monogamy.

Gossip.

Can't get enough of it.

Now back to our top story.

The crowds have neared the university of what it is.

They are led by the teaching staff of the Night Vale Community College, brandishing their traditional flails.

The Sheriff's Secret Police is on hand in case there is an opportunity for the police to initiate violence.

We will provide non-stop coverage of this breaking event as it unfolds.

I will not step away from the mic for even a...

Hmm?

What's up, Esteban?

You want me to read you a book?

Oh, of course, sure.

How about...

Oh,

good morning, Moon.

Good morning, Moon.

It is disquieting to see you at dawn, moon.

You belong to the night, and we belong to the day.

Why are you here?

This is freaking me out.

I hate you, Moon.

You lousy thing, you broken clock.

I would spit on your grave if only you had the decency to die.

The end.

I love that one.

A real classic.

Okay, um,

did I finish that last story?

Eh, probably.

Let's get back to the radio show.

This is a test of the emergency dream broadcast system.

In an actual emergency, you'd be having a dream where you are floating in a bathtub, but the bathtub is the size of the Atlantic Ocean, and it is the Atlantic Ocean, but it is also a bathtub.

In your hands is a book.

You cannot read the title of the book, but you know it is Crime and Punishment, a book you've never read, never had a desire to read.

In the distance, in this bathtub, which is the Atlantic Ocean, you notice a great wave, like the world has never seen.

The world will never see it, because if this wave ever actually arrived, the world would be no more, washed under the dark water.

As you watch this wave in awe and in horror, you realize the only way to stop this wave is to pull the plug on the bath.

The bath, that is the ocean, must be emptied if we are all to survive.

And you scramble around in the depths for a plug, but you can't find one because this is a bathtub, but it is also the Atlantic Ocean.

And in your panic, you hear the quietest, almost intimate whisper in your ear, a gentle voice saying,

Heavy rains tomorrow afternoon.

Localized, flooding, possible.

Then you awaken, covered in sweat,

crying.

Is what would have happened if this had been an actual emergency.

This has been a test of the emergency dream broadcast system.

And now, an audio jigsaw puzzle.

Please place the following jumbled fragments of an image in the correct order.

The chimney leans evil, leading to its hungry door.

What does the spirit see?

Perched crooked upon a hill.

An old haunted house, spitting black smoke into the night sky.

From the uppermost window with a narrow dirt path, two white eyes staring out from darkness, covering up the friendly stars.

What does the spirit see?

Good luck assembling that puzzle with your ears.

The crowd is entering the campus of the University of What It Is.

Alarms blare and flares paint the sky.

We are in a battle for the life of our city.

Janet Loubelle has appeared with her armed guards.

This will be a confrontation to remember.

And...

Yeah, sweetie?

Oh, you want to play a game?

Well, what kind of game do you want to play?

Hide and seek?

Flea and hunt?

The floor is larvas?

Oh, you made up a game.

Oh.

It's called, Who is in the Crawl Space?

And I have to guess who is in in the crawl space.

Okay, this sounds tough, but I know I can hear someone moving around down there.

They've been in there a long, long time.

Hmm.

Is it

Kimberly Blundell?

Is it

Lydia Redmond?

No.

Is it Ricky Church?

Now I'm running out of people.

It could be.

Who was down there?

A creeping and a crawling?

Who could it be down there in the dark?

Is it Caspian Watt?

Oh, I guess I give up for now.

But that was a very, very good game, Esteban.

And now the community calendar.

Today is the day of reckoning.

So no exact measures, just kind of eyeball everything.

Did you put enough gas in your car?

Don't check.

Go on reckoning.

Good luck.

Wednesday is the haunted house at the senior home on Sandalwood Lane.

Now I asked if it was a little late for a haunted house.

After all, Labor Day was months ago.

And it's a bit gauche to do one after.

But I was told that they had three different residents die recently and their ghosts are just wandering around everywhere.

So if you want a haunted house, now's the time.

They're asking for a donation of $5.

And if you like any of the ghosts, please take them home as they are causing trouble in the buffet line.

Thursday is a birthday party, deep in the woods.

Everyone is invited, deep in the woods.

B-Y-O-B, so bring your own body, deep in the woods.

Friday, the man who sits in your living room and shouts, thank God it's Friday.

This man, you do not know or even understand how he got into your home or what he wants from you.

Well, that man will be taking the week off.

So please enjoy this extremely temporary reprieve.

Saturday is the dog show over at the dog park.

No dogs are allowed in the dog show.

Do not look at the dog show.

The dog show

will not harm you.

Sunday is

backordered.

Please be patient.

Due to supply chain issues, Sundays are going to be rare for a while.

And Monday has been stolen.

If you are the one that took it, we are asking you to put it back where you found it.

We have all our eyes closed and you won't get in trouble.

This has been the Community Calendar.

The attack on the University of What It Is has fallen short.

Janet Lubell and her armed guards stood firm and the righteous mob was forced to back down.

Janet declared, I will discover the truth about everything.

No one can stop me.

My arrival was inevitable, my victory a foregone conclusion.

In this house, we believe in science.

And then she had her guards fire several times into the air.

Now, this is a worrying development, and hmm?

What's that?

Well, you want me to read another book?

Okay, listeners, I'm sorry, I just need to read to Esteban real quick.

Um, you know, why don't we check in on the weather?

Tell him careful walking upstairs, those floorboards might not hold.

You can blame it on the weather, but your heart is frozen cold.

Tell him your mouth's covered in cobwebs are stretched across your teeth.

But he won't seem to mind kissing you anyway.

And he'll pull you straight from the coffin.

Same blood will rise to graveside shots of whiskey.

And he'll see that your bones are rotten.

When he's inside you, how much skeleton can he see?

So when are you gonna

tell him

that nothing grows in corpses?

There's nothing he or anyone can do.

When are you gonna tell him

your skin can't hide black inside?

Oh, there's nothing left, there's nothing left of you.

And you're gone, and your bones are bleached by the sun.

And you're no good.

What are you gonna tell him, baby?

When are you gonna tell him, baby?

So uncareful waiting up for you, cause you don't plan to stay.

Your wives don't speak the trouble, so just drink your wine and pray.

Tell me saints it isn't pretty, and perfection aches you whole.

Your pride like water in your lungs drowns all the words it stole.

Mean hearts can't be built on devotion.

Silver threat won't make them new whenever it's on.

No.

Said things keep on singing too open.

But all he feels is that they're gonna keep his skin ring warm.

So, what do you gotta tell him

that angels don't fully see?

There's nothing he or anyone can do.

When are you gonna

tell him

your eyes can't hack to inside?

Oh, there's nothing left, you still got hold of you.

Now, you're gone and your phones are bleached by the sun,

and you're no good.

What are you gonna tell him, baby?

What are you gonna tell him, baby?

He bumps out, he'll leave you outside.

The birds will pick you clean again.

Oh,

you better pray, he leaves you outside.

For that little death you hoped for with the sun.

No, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong, nothing's wrong.

So, when are you gonna

tell him?

But you don't need to say it.

His lips are cracked and stained, red, just like yours.

When are you gonna tell him?

Every kiss you've given up just kills and makes you die a little more.

And you're gone, and your bones are bleached by the sun.

And you're no good,

you're no good.

What are you gonna tell?

You're no good.

And you're no good,

what you're gonna tell.

You're no good.

You're no good.

And you know you,

what you're gonna tell.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Grease to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away.

So he said to his mother, I am running away.

If you run away, said his mother, I will run after you, for you are my little bunny.

If you run after me, said the little bunny, I will burrow deep underground, to the frozen places, and then deeper still, to the places where even the soil melts under the pressure of its own weight.

If you burrow deep underground, said his mother, then I will be the core of the earth.

and radiate my heat up through you.

If you become the core of the earth, said the little bunny, then I will be a rocket ship, and I will soar away to the empty places of the universe where life never came to be, and only the invisible mass of dark matter holds the space together.

Well, if you become a rocket ship, said his mother, then I will be the very concept of the vacuum, an absence.

that will be present wherever you fly.

If you become the vacuum, vacuum, said the little bunny, then I will be a decaying car, once used to transport a family, but now merely a husk, out to the desert somewhere.

Barely a frame, barely anything at all.

If you become a decaying car, said his mother, then I will become rust,

and I will eat you alive.

Shucks, said the bunny, you are inescapable.

Even in my imagination, you have me trapped.

And he was.

Have a carrot, said the mother bunny.

And the little bunny had no choice.

He had no choice.

At all.

The end.

Okay, Esteban is finally down for a nap.

Oh, he's so sweet when he sleeps.

I mean, he's sweet when he awakes too, but a little calmer when he's asleep.

Back to the news.

The attack on the university of what it is has failed.

We were not enough, not this time.

But we

are patient.

There will be other days, and Night Vale does not forget.

Oh wait, hold on.

I have to take a picture of Esteban napping on the floor of the broadcast booth for Carlos.

He's gonna love this.

Stay tuned next next for the cutest little snores you've ever heard, interspersed with the occasional angry cry of a righteous town person demanding justice.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Rotten by Missouri Surf Club.

Find out more at MissouriSurfClub.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio or pet a cat.

Good cat.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our store, where we have all sorts of weird and beautiful items for the weird and beautiful people in your life.

Today's proverb, give a man a fish.

He can eat for a whole day on that.

Wow.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Nightvale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.