212 - The Campus

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday

The Wednesday Season 2 official Woecast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

It turns out the economy was just the friends we made along the way.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Well, there's something weird happening near the old car lot, at the house that once belonged to Old Woman Josie.

A real kerfuffle, some kind of ruckus.

There are tents and spotlights and groups of people gathered together and murmuring.

You know, a real hullabaloo.

We are trying to ascertain the nature of this rumpus and why it is happening.

Larry Leroy, who lives nearby, reported seeing trucks with a logo he did not recognize.

And, he told our reporter, I know most logos.

Go on, quiz me on logos.

No, no, go on, try to find a logo I don't know.

Our reporter finally gave in and showed him the Taco Bell logo.

At which point, Larry Leroy grew furious and shouted, no, no, no, a real logo that people would recognize, not something you made up, before stomping off.

Thank you, Larry, for your observations.

We will continue to monitor this situation, whatever it is, throughout the day, and we'll bring you information as soon as we have it.

And now for today's headlines.

The Museum of Forbidden Technologies is holding a symposium on Redacted, where they will be considering the ethics of using Redacted in American towns and cities.

In order to provide a steady supply of Redacted to redacted, the use of redacted has been heatedly debated in certain circles in recent years due to the extreme side effects such as redacted,

redacted,

and hair loss in cats.

Furthermore, there is the question of whether it is even legal or moral to use redacted on humans due to the potential for

which of course none of us want.

Debating these topics will be best-selling author, actor, and motivational speaker Lee Marvin.

Facing him will be spokesman for the vague yet menacing government agency and motivational speaker, a

named

tickets are not for sale for this fun and family-friendly event, which will be held at

All proceeds will support the Night Vale Animal Shelter.

In other news, the Nightvale Firehouse is holding a pancake breakfast fundraiser.

Their fundraising goals include needed repairs to their radio system, new hoses, and a solid gold fire truck.

Fire Chief Lisa Gonzalez explained that the troop hopes all of Nightvale will come out for this great cause.

Chief Gonzalez explained, We are working constantly to improve the safety of this town against the ever-present threat of fire.

And also to get a fire truck that is 100% pure gold.

She then went on to say, the fire truck won't function.

It can't, because every part of it will be made of gold, which is a soft material unsuitable for the running of an engine, but housy, wowzy, can you just imagine it?

Sitting there in our garage, shining to make the sun jealous?

The fire chief then did a wolf howl and ran off into the nearby brush.

In order to hit its goals, the firehouse needs to sell around 586,000 pancakes, so they ask that you please arrive hungry.

We have new information on that whole deal out where Old Woman Josie's house used to be.

It seems that it is the new satellite campus for the University of What It Is.

Say, that name is familiar, although I'm not sure where I've heard it before.

I mean, I have nothing against this particular university, of course.

More of a general distrust of learning and a suspicion that education is how they control us.

So, when contacted by the new dean of this campus, Dr.

Janet Lubell, I merely muttered a friendly, what is it you seek here, interloper?

Dr.

Lubell said that she looks forward to a strong partnership with the community of Nightvale, and she had had a statement she wanted to pass on to all of you.

Reluctantly, I will do so.

Hi, everyone.

Dr.

Janet Lubell here, new interim dean, of course, of the University of What It Is, East Nightvale campus.

I'm sure you all have a lot of questions.

Most everything in the world is questionable.

Well, the good news is that we are here to find answers, answers to everything.

Our job as scientists is to explain why everything is the way it is.

There will be nothing left in Night Vale that does not have an exhaustive, perhaps even tedious, explanation.

I look forward to it.

As the saying goes, sunlight is the second best disinfectant, but you can't get a tan with bleach.

Thank you.

Huh.

I find this concerning.

What is Nightvale without its mysteries and secrets?

Just a place.

Where people live and work and eat.

Just an arbitrary location with people in it sometimes.

Ugh, no, no, Nightvale is more than that.

It must be more than that.

I am going to ask our town's pre-eminent scientist who, and many of you may not know this, is also my husband.

Hopefully Carlos can help me understand what is going on here.

And now for a classic Cecil rant.

Like me, I'm sure you've seen those articles about how I bought a house before turning 30, or how I saved for retirement by not buying coffee, or whatever.

And every time I see one of those, with a picture of some smug young person in a flashy suit, I just scan the article for the words, blood sacrifice and bargain with the old gods, and I roll my eyes.

Yeah, I'm sure your ability to afford a down payment on a mortgage in this economy was because you only took vacations to Hawaii instead of to Paris.

And not because you found an old stone covered in a pulsating black moss, and you put your forehead to that stone and saw a great city of sleeping giants, a city that does not exist in our universe.

And you carved a letter in an alphabet you do not understand into your forearm and let your hot, living blood trickle down onto the stone, where the moss greedily sucked it up, and you fed this human icker to the giants whose eyes flickered open and spoke with voices that sounded like the ringing hollow at the center of the universe.

But no, it had nothing to do with that.

It was definitely because you don't go to Starbucks and instead use coffee pods at home.

People who have made pacts with the old gods really need to stop acting like they have anything helpful to tell the rest of us.

Rant over.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Picture a wealthy white couple.

They are enjoying the summer.

Doing the kinds of things that wealthy white couples do with their tremendous power and privilege.

Sharing cocktails on the veranda.

Going for bike rides in pristine nature with no other person for miles.

Soaking in a bathtub that is for some reason outside and on a cliff, overlooking the sea.

You know, normal stuff.

Now, a voice begins to speak.

The people cannot hear the voice.

Only you can hear the voice.

The voice is not for them, it is for you.

Heart attacks may occur, the voice says.

Sleeplessness or unending sleep are both possible.

Sweatiness, palpitations, severe headaches and nerve damage, the voice intones.

The wealthy white people are now throwing a stick for their dog.

The dog looks where they threw the stick but does not chase it.

The dog can also hear the voice, and the voice terrifies the dog.

Tell your doctor if if you experience bone fracture, the voice says, if your skin sloughs off, or if your hair frazzles, or if your eyes turn milky and your teeth fall out.

Tell your doctor if you have cancer, or an infection in your stomach, or a feeling of impending doom.

Tell your doctor that you're scared.

Tell your doctor that you're sorry.

Tell your doctor anything you like.

Your doctor cannot hear you.

The dog cannot hear you.

Only you can hear you.

The wealthy white people are sleeping, dreaming little wealthy white dreams, smiling gently with their arms around each other.

The voice continues.

People have suffered.

People have died.

By drowning and crushing.

By suffocation and fire.

People have been lost, been mutilated, been turned inside out.

And then the advertisement ends.

No specific medication or product is recommended.

This has been a word from our sponsors.

I reached out to my husband.

I had forgotten this, but it turns out that my husband Carlos, in fact, was once a faculty member at the University of What It Is.

I knew I had heard that name before.

I asked him about Dr.

Lubell and he grew deeply concerned.

He said, well, just listen to his message for yourself.

So Janet and I were grad students together.

This must have been back in.

Why can I not remember decades?

I used to be able to remember decades.

You know, living in a town where time doesn't work really does a number to that part of your brain.

In any case, it was in a decade, and we were both just young and trying to prove ourselves.

Janet was, oh, she was this brilliant scientist, and she still is.

I cannot deny it.

But she's also,

how do you say it?

She's also very single-minded.

You know, when she sees a goal, she will just march right over any obstacle or person who stands in her way.

And I admired that about her.

But I gotta say, I also kind of feared it, because like without the right ethical code, it's a dangerous trait.

It worries me that the university of what it is has come to Night Vale.

I fear that this will

not end well.

Oh, and

I'm so glad I remembered.

This is very important, Cecil.

I meant to tell you this at the beginning.

Please, please, please, whatever you do, please,

remember to pick up ground turkey on your way home.

Okay, I love you.

Bye.

Ominous words and a helpful reminder from our town's leading scientist.

And now, a look at horoscopes.

Aries, your whole deal is very threatening, and I'm into it.

Taurus.

Someone you love will betray you, or they won't.

One of those two things, it's unclear which.

Gemini.

Today is your lucky day, so that's one out of 364.

Cancer.

A business investment is about to pay off in a huge way.

Not for you.

Oh, sorry, this was unrelated.

Harold Richards, CEO of the Good Food Company, is about to get a huge stock payout.

On the other hand, you, Cancer, are going to accidentally throw away a $5 bill.

Sorry.

Leo.

Do you really like mid-modern design or are you merely nostalgic for a time when consumer goods weren't made to be discarded after two years?

Virgo.

Remember the rule of social media.

No one is actually screaming as much as they are on Instagram.

wailing as much as they are on Facebook, nor scratching at the dirt as much as they are on Twitter.

The versions of ourselves we present online aren't necessarily our true selves.

Libra.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

Now you just need like 10,000 more of those bad boys to afford a few days worth of groceries.

Scorpio.

You're a big sweetie boy, just a big old sweetie boy.

This has nothing to do with your gender presentation or identification.

This transcends physical and mental reality.

You are, at your heart of hearts, a big old sweetie boy, and we love you.

Sagittarius.

You're going to make pasta tonight.

Listen, not every prediction is an important one.

Capricorn.

You will be hit by a meteorite tonight.

Some predictions are super important.

Aquarius.

You know that one lady who is running a years-long scam on you, carefully harvesting you for personal information that she will someday turn against you for her own profit?

Oh,

you don't?

Well,

uh, heads up, I guess.

Pisces.

Not all ideas are bad.

The one you just had, though?

Oof.

Rethink, buddy.

And if your birthday is today, then you're a liar.

No one has an August 15th birthday, not once in the history of the world.

Look it up.

Then, if you find a different answer than what I'm telling you, disbelieve what you found.

There are no August 15th births, and there never will be.

This has been Horoscopes.

Okay, enough is enough.

I've been sitting in my booth trying to guess at what is going on with this university of what it is.

It's time I did some old-fashioned reporting.

Boots on the ground, notebook in hand, seeing what can be seen, talking to sources.

There's no replacement for it.

That's why I sent station intern Rudy to see what she could find out.

Hopefully, she does a good job.

In the meantime, I'm going to eat my lunch.

Let's have a listen to the salad.

Oh,

oh, sorry, how embarrassing.

I was looking at my lunch.

Let's salad to the weather.

She didn't have to walk away, no.

But then again, they never stay.

Oh,

the women in my life is so pissed

for simple things I can't resist.

Some of these vows

I have made

to be broken.

Some of these lines

I've made

to be blue.

Some of these nights

I'd exchange for a morning.

I'm not starving,

I

take what I prefer.

She didn't have to walk away, no.

But then again, they never say, oh, oh.

The women in my life is so pissed

for simple things I can't resist.

She didn't have to walk away, no.

But then again, they never stay.

So letting in my life get so pissed.

For simple things I can't resist.

Some of these bounds

are empty,

broken.

Some of these lines

are bad.

Some of the empties I've learnt to assert him.

Last through the fall, I'll show

you where it hurts.

Last through the fall, I'll show

you where it hurts.

Four simple things I can't resist.

Four simple things I can't resist.

For simple things I can't resist.

For simple things I can't resist.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veef or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

And we're back.

Getting to the important stuff right away.

My salad was wonderful.

A bed of arugula, thinly sliced radish, some roasted sweet potato, a 15-pound block of lead, and a citrus tahini dressing.

Perfect.

Rudy has returned from her visit to the new University of What It Is campus where Old Woman Josie's house used to be.

She says that it is a bustle of activity, tents crowded with scientists and more permanent structures already going up.

Busy teams of construction workers saying things like, hop and, heyo, while tossing bricks back and forth.

She asked if she could talk to Dr.

Lubell, but no one had time to answer her.

They were too busy running around, shouting things like, aha, and hmm, extraordinary.

So Rudy just wandered around until she found someone who seemed to be in charge, a woman of medium height and medium build, and medium length hair of medium hue.

Are you Dr.

Lubell?

asked Rudy, and the medium woman broke into a medium smile and said, last time I checked, an average joke to which she gave a moderate laugh.

Rudy asked what the plans were for the university of what it is, and Dr.

Lubell explained that they were after knowledge.

Knowledge at all costs.

The interim dean said, There is no purer pursuit, no sweeter reward than an explanation for everything.

Everything in Nightvale can be explained.

And it will be.

Rudy challenged her on that point, saying, okay, well,

what about the moon?

Rudy is a good intern and very quick on her feet.

The moon, of course, is an absurd joke, impossible to explain.

And Dr.

LaBelle faltered, tossing off some made-up nonsense about jettisoned matter from Earth consolidating over eons into a stable satellite, but but Rudy could tell Dr.

LaBelle was shaken.

In any case, I'm not worried about some 2-bit academic poking around.

After all, the world's best scientist already has spent years researching Nightvale, and most of its mysteries are still intact.

We are a town made of secrets and paradox.

And rational explanation is a small sputtering flame against our deep shadows.

I think it likely that Dr.

Lubell will simply get frustrated with her limitations and return to

wherever it is that the university of what it is is located.

And good luck to her and to all scientists.

Stay tuned next for a butterfly flapping its wings, which will, through a chain of causation, result in nothing much at all.

A butterfly is very tiny.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Dispirition.

The voice of Dr.

Lu Bell is Janet Varney.

The voice of Carlos is Dylan Marin.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Simple Things by Hot Plug.

Find out more at hotplugband.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or don't.

See if we care.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our upcoming tour of Europe.

We are on our way to Europe and we can't wait to see you.

Today's proverb, he who laughs last laughs latest.

Let's try to be a little bit more timely with those laughs, bud.

Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9 wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.