207 - LOST: CAT

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Lost.

Cat.

Cat?

Probably a cat.

Last seen hovering four feet off the ground in the radio station bathroom.

Reward if found.

Welcome to Night Vale.

It's been almost five months since I've seen my cat Koshek.

And I've been all around town, posting signs and talking to neighbors.

I tried going door to door, showing people a photograph of Koshik, but usually they just screamed, get that away from me, as they clutched at their bleeding eyes.

It all seemed so hopeless.

There were a few false alarms.

I got a couple of calls, but when I went to meet the people who thought they had found my cat, they would proudly hold up a woodchuck, or a hobby horse, or in one case, a bucket of mustard.

And I would have to say, no, that's not my cat.

It's also not a cat.

Also, why do you keep your mustard in an uncovered bucket?

And these people would look sad.

Not for me and my lost cat, but because they realized they didn't know what a cat was.

Well, I'll except the mustard guy.

He wasn't sad.

He was really proud of his bucket and wanted me to see it.

But there was one call that seemed like a good lead.

My old intern and the former mayor of Nightvale, Dana Cardinal, told me that there's a new cat park in town.

People are allowed in the cat park.

Cats are allowed in the cat park.

You should approach the cat park, Dana suggested.

And I did.

More soon.

But first, let's have a look at sports.

The Nightvale Spider-Wolves defeated the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors 4-3 in extra innings last night.

Left fielder Justin Montemayer hit a game-winning RBI double in the bottom of the 10th.

The sold-out crowd exploded in cheers as the winning run crossed the plate.

It was also Kevin James Appreciation Night at Municipal Stadium.

The first 2,000 attendees received a free Lee Marvin Bobblehead doll, because that's all they had in stock.

They didn't actually know that Kevin James would be showing up until about an hour before, so the Spider-Wolves marketing team went into a panic about how to honor and promote Kevin James' appearance at our tiny minor league ballpark.

Kevin James arrived atop a 20-foot-tall float, decorated like the Hollywood sign.

Joining him on the float were his King of Queens co-stars, Lee Remini, Ludacris, and Buddy the Golden Retriever who can dunk basketballs.

James tossed the ceremonial first pitch in front of a frenzied crowd, with one side of the stadium chanting, Paul, Blart,

and the other chanting back, Maul, cop.

and then everyone chanting in unison, till death do us Blart,

which was clearly a loving tribute to James' most famous film franchise, Die Hard.

Tomorrow night, the Spider Wolves host the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters, who currently lead the Cactus Division.

It's going to be Mountain Derision Night at Municipal Stadium.

The first 2,000 attendees will be required to shriek obscenities at the distant hills.

More on my search for Koshek.

I found the cat park.

It's in the exact same location as the dog park, but you have to approach it from precisely 18 degrees north northeast.

If you do it right, it's a cat park.

If you don't, you'll be arrested.

The cat park was less exciting than I thought it would be.

It was only a small patch of stinky carpet with a couple of shredded futons.

There were no cats there, only humans calling out their cats' names.

They had all brought their cats to the cat park thinking they would run around and play with the other cats, maybe fetch frisbees and tennis balls.

But it turns out cats get scared in new environments and tend to either hide or run away when stressed.

These distraught cat owners also had not seen Kaushak.

But at least they sympathized with my plight.

They suggested going to the animal shelter.

I mean, I'd been to the Night Vale Animal Shelter several times looking for Kaushik, but it couldn't hurt.

It could, someone replied.

If you were to cut yourself accidentally, like on a razor wire fence.

Or if you broke a bone, someone else said while trying to do a cool kickflip.

Yes!

The cat owners all agreed in a perfect A-flat major chord.

Let's have a look now at traffic.

There's an overturned 18-wheeler near exit 23 on Route 800.

It's not wrecked, it's just upside down, traveling at a normal speed.

But a lot of onlookers in other cars are themselves flipping over and wrecking.

It's unclear if this is happening because they looked at the 18-wheeler or if it would have happened anyway.

But as my statistics professor back in college used to say, correlation is just a fancy way of saying causation.

So I think we know what's going on here.

If you're driving on Route 800 right now,

close those eyes.

So I went to the animal shelter again.

It's a nicer place than you think it's going to be, and they managed to move the animals onto adopting households pretty quickly.

The supervisor of the shelter, Harmony Lincoln, is very proud of this fact.

I agreed that this was impressive and asked them how the shelter was able to keep pets from staying for long.

Harmony said, about once a week, city council comes into the shelter, filling their many long, bony arms with lost dogs and cats and groaning,

hungry.

And Harmony will have to tell them every time that, yes, your new little fur babies will get very hungry.

You should feed them about a quarter to a half cup of dry food each day, and don't forget their dental treats.

The city council will then roar and rush out of the shelter, clutching all those tiny squealing beasts to their single heaving body.

Wow, I said, sounds like you're doing great work, Harmony.

They added that the shelter just began some new initiatives to help their animals get jobs.

We dress them up in little suits, they said, and give them helpful interview tips like, be a good boy, and be the bestest, bestest boy.

I asked Harmony once again if they had seen Koshek, but they still hadn't.

I sighed and started to leave, but Harmony stopped me and handed me a business card.

On the card was printed, Tanya Mortensen, Animal Psychic.

Now I had no idea that was a job, but at this point, I'll try anything to find Koshek.

And now, a community update.

There's a new fountain in Grove Park designed by acclaimed conceptual artist George Dunham.

In the center of Dunham's convoluted post-structuralist fountain is a bear wearing a tuxedo jacket, but no shirt or pants.

Dunham, controversially, believes bears like attending black tide galas, but they do so pantless.

When irate zoologists explained to him that this was factually incorrect, he said, it is my truth.

He then reminded us that the Federal Reserve took the English language off of the gold standard in January 2017.

And all words now are simply fiat tokens attached to no tangible tangible meaning.

Words are only worth whatever we believe they are worth.

The zoologists then nodded at Dunham and his celebrated water-puking bear in the middle of our beloved public park, and together they all celebrated truth, being freed from government regulation.

Now, about this animal psychic.

I met Tanya at her home in West Nightvale and she was kind and welcoming.

I brought all of the items she told me to bring.

Snips of Koshek's hair, strips of his molted skin, a photo of Koshak, a Koshak's favorite toy, which is a bumper from a 2007 Jeep Gram Cherokee, and some catnip, of course.

Tanya took my hands in hers, and we began to call out to Koshek.

But nothing happened.

I wasn't disappointed because I didn't really expect anything to happen, but then Tanya said she could hear something.

She asked me if Koshek is French and if he's into fine art.

I said, uh,

he's a cat, how should I know?

And she asked me if he likes to steal things.

I said, well,

he was always at a fixed spot four feet off the ground, so maybe he likes stealing things, but he wasn't ever able to.

Tonya said Koshek is quite special.

He's more than he seems to be.

She said he's not just a cat, but a man, with an exciting past full of heists and secrets.

And I could tell that she was trying to make me feel better.

I'm sure she tells all heartbroken owners the same thing about their pets.

Cecil, she said, animals are idiots.

The smartest of them are barely as sharp as a four-month-old child.

Being a pet psychic is usually tedious because every pet's brain is just filled with random goggles and grunts.

But Korshek, Tonya continued, his spirit is far more compelling.

I cannot perceive where he is, but I see.

I see

sunflowers.

I see water lilies.

I see bowls of fruit.

I see lonely people in a diner.

I see melted timepieces.

Does any of this make sense to you?

No, I said.

I just don't believe in this kind of thing.

I need specifics, not vague imagery.

Tanya asked if there were any other cats in my household.

I told her about the other three cats that are in the radio station bathroom.

She got excited and said, take me with you.

I will ask them.

And so we came together to the radio station.

I'll tell you about that in a minute.

But now it's time for the children's fun facts science corner.

Did you know there exists a planet of awesome size, lit by no sun?

An invisible Titan, all thick black forests, and jagged mountains and deep turbulent oceans.

Scientists have never published information about this planet because they do not believe it is there.

They do not disbelieve it is there either.

They simply do not believe because they do not have proof of it.

The scientist I interviewed this morning while getting our child bathed and dressed said, We do not learn through faith, but through skepticism.

We rely on faith for the things we do not wish to be skeptical about.

If we are to affirm the existence of this planet of awesome size, then we must begin with skepticism.

Also, did you remember to pick up paper towels yesterday?

This scientist, who wished to remain anonymous, concluded.

I said, of course I did, as I kissed the unnamed source on his cheek.

I then countered that it sounds like some scientists, no matter how thorough their research, did not listen to their husbands' radio shows, as this planet of awesome size has been mentioned several times.

Yeah, I'm I'm sorry, hun, this particular informant told me.

I can't catch every show.

That's okay, I said.

I still love you, my anonymous source.

So, here are the facts we know for certain about the planet of awesome size lit by no sun.

1.

We have never seen it.

2.

We know it is there.

3.

We will see it one day.

But hopefully not soon.

This has been the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

So I took Tonya to the washroom here at the radio station where Koshek used to live.

Sorry.

Where he used to reside.

He still lives.

I know it.

I know it.

I don't know it, but as my old philosophy professor used to say, everything you believe is true and correct.

Anyway, I showed her the three other cats.

Mickstape, who I named.

He's my favorite.

Larry Leroy, who Larry Leroy named, and Potato, who looks and acts like a potato.

Tanya tried her darndest to talk to them, but still got nothing about Kaushik's whereabouts.

All Tanya was really able to tell me was that these aren't the cats' real names.

Tanya said Potato's real name is Anissa, and that Larry Leroy's real name is Jeremiah, and Mixtape's real name is Raphael, though he likes Mixtape better than his birth name.

I rolled my eyes and said, Tanya, I really appreciate all that you're doing, but this...

She interjected with the word Silas.

I didn't understand.

Koshak's real name is Silas,

she said.

And he's living

with a witch.

She's with him in a room, in a

hotel, many miles from here.

Tanya, I sighed.

I was so tired of this.

I said, Tanya, thank you, but I think Koshak is simply missing.

That's all.

My show is starting.

I can't be late.

So I paid her, and she left.

And

here I am doing my show, feeling sad about my missing cat.

I might never get closure, and I have to accept that.

I ha.

Wait.

Oh, yeah, I hear something.

It's a meow.

It's several meows coming from the restroom.

Kaushik.

Okay, listeners, I gotta go.

But, you know, here's some weather.

Kaushik.

Kaushik!

Another day watching the clock preach to the flock, stockpile guns and TV dinners.

And I thought I'd call you up.

It's been a bit

almost got my wish.

It really

wasn't quite like this.

I should have been specific.

Next time, I'll be specific.

Say,

I wanna know

when you can bring it home to me.

I'm begging you,

baby, please.

You wanna know

if you keep banging down on me,

honey, I

wish I knew

how to wear, but for the grace of God goes every girl I've ever loved

Dancing in the summer sun

St.

John's warden obedient

But I try not to judge between

goods and water jugs Security's a commodity

that we're all buying up.

Well, I wanna know

if you could bring it on me.

I'm begging you,

baby, please.

You wanna know

if you can bend down on me.

Honey, I

wish I knew

how to leave.

The desert is a nice escape.

The desert is a nice escape.

You wanna know

that you can always count on me.

Oh yeah,

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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Well, sadly, it was not Kaushak.

It was the other cats making a racket because the human, Larry Leroy, came to see his cat, Larry Leroy.

He comes by every day to feed his little Lair Bear.

There, there, Lair Bear, he always says as he cuddles his floating pet cat.

Shouldn't have let myself get excited.

I knew Larry would be by today.

I always know that, but

I can't help dreaming that Kaushik Kaushik is still out there.

Somewhere.

Anyway, I talked to Larry a bit, told him about Tanya and the cat park and all the futile work I've put in trying to find Kaushik.

Sure am sorry, old friend, Larry said, but you know, cats truly are something else.

Yeah, I said, I guess so.

I don't always know how to respond to vague conversational cliches like that.

I know he's just trying to be friendly and understanding, but

it doesn't feel that helpful.

Guess so, Larry bristled.

There's no guessing to it.

Cats are something

else.

There's literally no such thing as a cat.

What we know as a cat is some other person or animal that got placed into a new body of a non-existent creature.

But if we can see cats, lots of cats, everywhere, I argued, then how are they not real?

Little Larry Leroy in there, he said, used to be an MC, but he lost the wrong rat battle.

You know how it goes in hip-hop, Larry said, as if I know at all how it goes in hip-hop.

He continued, some cats are cursed humans.

Some are humans who made a weird wish.

Some are dogs who are not good boys at all.

Some are mice in a a clever disguise.

Basically, Cecil, you shouldn't trust cats.

You should love them, but never ever believe what you see.

I asked what Kaushik was, if not a cat.

Larry shrugged and said, I hope you get the chance to find out, old friend.

I really do.

Then he said, say,

I never thanked you and Carlos for coming out to that art show with me last year.

a lot of fun.

If you're interested, there's a new exhibit just opened at the Big City Museum of Art.

Larry said there were some classic masterpieces in this collection.

I told Larry Carlos and I were actually planning a trip to the Big City soon, and we'd love to check it out.

Can't wait to hear about it, Larry said.

And then he added in a low voice while darting his eyes about.

If I were

an art thief, I might want to steal me some of these beauties.

Well, I've never stolen anything in my life, I assured Larry.

I don't plan to start now.

But you know, as my physics professor loved to say, past performance is not an indicator of future results.

We both laughed the empty laugh of small talk,

and then we went our separate ways.

I still miss Koschek.

I always will, but

it's time to begin the process of acceptance.

Accepting that he's not coming back.

I'll go mad thinking otherwise.

Thank you for listening.

Having someone hear my story really does help my healing.

Stay tuned next for more music than you can shake a stick at, our new show that encourages listeners to hopelessly shake sticks at songs.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Nightfale is a production of Nightfale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Nightfale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was stockpiled guns and TV dinners by Mal Blum from their brand new EP, Ain't It Nice?

Out now, you should check it out.

Find more at malblum.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightfail.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightfale Radio or find a big body of water and sit on the dry bit and stare for a long time at the wet bit.

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Today's Proverb.

As Franklin Roosevelt once said, The only thing we have to fear is goblins.

What is with all these goblins?

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight.

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And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

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Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightvale, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9 wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.