203 - The Kareem Nazari Show

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye.

Honey punches devotes the forma perfecta depends on

familia.

Cono juelas crucientes and verdad qual 1 les encantas.

Ademas delicios 2 trosos de granola nuces y fruta que todos vanadis brutad.

Honey punches devotes para todos.

It's midnight Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan, and you're listening to the Karim Nazari Show on 1080 KMCG.

I'm your host, Kareem Nazari.

My parents came to visit me this week.

They drove in from Saugatuck, where they retired a few years ago, to a lake house, empty, nesters.

They were getting cabin fever this winter, so they decided last minute that they'd head up to the big city of Ann Arbor to visit their son.

It's been nice having them.

I love my parents.

Super smart, caring, good people, all that.

But I live in a two-bedroom apartment with my girlfriend and two cats, and Emma uses that second room as her office space, so it's been a little crowded and a little stressful.

Plus, I do this late-night show, so my mom was a bit incredulous I didn't want wine at dinner.

It's my callers that drink before my show, not me.

I gotta keep a fresh mind.

Otherwise, you people out there will have me believing all your crazy conspiracies.

You listeners get drunk and I debunk.

You know that's how it works.

But before we get to your calls, the reason I bring up my parents visiting is not to complain about my tiny home.

It's about the garbage that's filled their brains lately.

I don't know which of you listeners got to my parents.

Maybe they found one of your unhinged Facebook groups, but I'm not happy about it.

There was a thing, an incident, I don't want to get into it a few years back, and ever since then, they've started espousing some strange beliefs.

Not even the real conspiracies like the junk you all call in with, but bizarre stuff.

My father, who is a scientist, he taught mechanical physics at Michigan State for 20 years, said at dinner tonight, he doesn't believe the moon landing is real.

But here's the crazy part.

He said he believed that it was possible to get to the moon.

That we certainly had the scientific know-how and technology to do it.

He even agreed that the footage we have was incredibly accurate.

No, what Dr.

Rahim Nazari said to me, his adult child,

was I don't believe we landed on the moon because I don't believe there is a moon.

And my mother agreed.

She has a doctorate in marine biology.

Dinner got weird.

Emma poured herself more wine, like to the lip of the glass, and just stared at me with these eyes that said, They're your family, dude.

So, no, I don't believe in the supernatural, and I don't believe in pseudoscience, but maybe if there's one exception after tonight, perhaps I believe that there are body snatchers.

Okay, I'm already on high alert for tonight's show, so let's get to your calls.

You're on the air.

Hello?

Who is this?

I'm not gonna tell you my name.

Then make one up.

Can you put one of those filters on my voice where it sounds real low?

Sure.

What are you calling about, unnamed caller?

Okay, I was visiting family a few months back.

They live in, well, I don't want to say exactly where, because I know the government is listening.

Let's just say a small town in the desert.

And there was a whole story about how the moon was invented in the 19th century as a way to control werewolves and you did your own research to verify this you don't need a phd to be a scientist we've all been scientists at one point or another in our lives you're such an elitist karim listen doug you sound like a doug so i'm just gonna call you doug okay how did you know my name doug i

i never thought i'd have to say this sentence unironically to anyone but doug here goes the moon is real follow the money kareem look who owns the moon If you say George Soros is a matter of money.

George Soros.

Wow, only took one call to get to anti-Semitism.

New record, folks.

It's going to be a long show tonight.

Next caller, who's this?

What do you got?

Hey, Kareem.

This is Gina in Ypsilanti.

Sorry about that last caller there.

Just want you to know that you have a lot of listeners who love your show, love your thoughts and conspiracies, don't always agree with you, but respect the heck out of you.

Thanks, Gina.

What's your question?

Do you believe in doppelgangers?

You mean do I believe there are people who look just like other people, I guess?

No, like there are two of the exact same person.

Oh, sure.

Secret government cloning.

No, I don't.

Maybe?

I don't know where doppelgangers come from.

But I was in front of Frank's drugs just now on Western Michigan Avenue, walking home from the tap room where I just had some drinks with my friends, and I ran into you and we talked for like a while.

Just now.

I was wearing a yellow hat and I had my dog with me.

He's a border collie mix with gray eyes.

Do you remember?

Just now?

No, of course not.

Plus, I live in Ann Arbor.

I don't really ever go to Ypsilanti.

How many ranch waters did you have tonight, Gina?

The thing is, Kareem, it was you.

Gina, it was you.

You don't have a nail on your right middle finger.

You showed it to me.

You got your finger caught in a door jam when you were nine.

It crushed the bone, and after an infection, the nail fell off.

The doctors were able to save your fingertip, but now it's bent at the knuckle and the nail just never grew back.

And today I had a tooth pulled and I wanted to get a root canal, but insurance doesn't cover root canals for molars, so I had to have it removed.

And I was still a little numb, and I'm drooling a little bit when I met you, and maybe it was the anesthesia, or maybe it was meeting a celebrity, but I told you about my tooth pulled, and it made me sad because I'm forever changed, and I will never get that tooth back.

And you were very sweet.

You showed me your finger, told me how much it hurt, but how much you loved being different.

Most people have boring fingers, but not me, you said.

Most people have boring smiles, but not you, Gina.

That's what you said.

And it made me feel, well, it made my day, Kareem.

How could you possibly know about that?

Then it got weird because I realized as I was talking to you, it was midnight on a Saturday, and that's when you do your show.

And I asked if you were off tonight, and you acted confused.

In fact, you seemed kind of lost, not like absent-minded, but you like literally didn't know where you were.

Gina.

Are you listening to yourself?

That's not my doppelganger you talked to.

That's literally a random dude that you drunkenly thought was me.

It might not have been you, you, Kareem, but it wasn't a rando.

It was definitely a version of you.

And this version of you thought he was from a city called Night Vale.

Oh, of course.

You're one of the Night Vale people.

I heard about this place on every stupid podcast there is.

Pot Save America, You're Wrong About, My Brother, My Brother and Me, even Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Do podcast people just recycle the same storyline?

I'm sure Nightvale is a real town, and I'm sure it's weird.

But so is Marfa, Texas.

So is Slab City, California.

So is Lilydale, New York.

There are lots of weird little towns to get obsessed with.

Well, I hadn't heard of it until you told me about it in front of Frank's.

And then when I told you we were in Ypsilanti, Michigan, you got excited.

Mostly because I pronounced Michigan right.

And I thought that was strange.

It's pronounced like it looks.

And then you said you'd been stuck in that nightvale place since 2015, trying to get back to Michigan.

And here you were, finally in Michigan.

And you kept saying, Michigan, like it was a name you hadn't heard in years.

And then you said you needed to see your family again.

Wait a minute.

And then I said, shouldn't you be getting ready for your radio show, Kareem?

And you said, what radio show?

I have a radio show?

And I laughed because you're so very funny, Green.

And that's why I listened to your show.

And we walked to my apartment.

I live just up the road.

I can see Frank's drugs from my bathroom window.

And I played the radio for you.

And lo and behold, there you were in my living room listening to yourself on the air.

So I had to call because I thought maybe you were lying to your fans about doing the show live.

You had to have recorded these shows, but nope, here you are live.

Gina, where is this man now?

The one you met in front of of Frank's?

Oh, you told me you couldn't remember your address, so I googled it.

It wasn't hard to find.

You should get one of those data scrubbing services.

Lots of crazy people out there, Kareem.

You don't want them knowing where you live.

You told him where I live?

I mean, he showed me his finger and he was missing a nail.

We're done here, Gina.

Listen to me, folks.

I started this show because I love conspiracies.

I don't believe them, but I think they're interesting, and it's fun if you keep it fun.

A few years ago, a man started writing letters to my mother claiming he was me.

Then he started calling the house again, claiming he was me.

And he knew a lot, I mean a lot, of personal details about my childhood.

And he had my mom convinced until one day he called when I was home.

And that sent my mother and father both down an emotional wormhole.

It messed them up.

They're rational people, and since that moment, they've been less so.

So let's cut the crazy, okay?

If I'm going to keep this show on on the air, you've all got to keep your cool.

Next caller, you're on the air.

Hi, Kareem.

I'm so glad I got through.

I'll let you know in a minute if I share that sentiment.

What do you want to talk about?

Kennedy, Area 51, Denver Airport?

I want to talk about Nightfall.

Oh, come on.

Just go outside.

Look around you.

The world is messed up.

It's messed up enough without us needing to make up a fake town full of fake conspiracies that you heard on some radiotopia podcast.

You want to know a real town full of real government conspiracies?

Detroit.

Maybe you've heard of it?

Flint?

Well, Flint is 50 miles up 23.

Why do you need to invent new demons?

Demons aren't even real.

They're folk tales we make up so we don't have to see the real harm real humans inflict on each other every single day.

So I don't want to talk about Nightfale.

Well, I do.

And it is real.

What state is Nightvale in then?

You've got all the info?

Tell me how to find Night Vale on a map.

You're asking the wrong questions, Kareem.

Then help me.

Teach me, oh wise caller, what questions should I be asking how I got out of nightvale okay how did you get out of nightvale

well are you gonna a friend of mine she used to be the mayor of nightvale in fact told me about a door

it wasn't attached to anything it was two-dimensional you could only see it from one side I found the door just today as a matter of fact and I went through it

And suddenly here I was in Michigan.

I hadn't been here in years.

I haven't seen my family in years.

Hold on.

You also didn't ask me my name, Kareem.

Don't you usually ask your callers that?

Sure, but we got right into it.

Ask me my name.

What's your name, Caller?

My name is also Kareem.

Not such an unusual name, really.

Don't you want to know where I'm calling from, Kareem?

I'm calling from just outside my apartment.

A little two-bedroom off South Maple Road.

And this looks like my parents' car out front.

A 2011 Forest Green Subaru Outback.

Oh, and it's still got the Obama Biden sticker on it.

And one for Bernie.

Like, Bernie Sanders?

Did he run for president?

Stop right there.

Leave my family alone.

Whoever you are.

You know exactly who I am.

I'm Kareem Nazari, and I just want to talk to my parents again.

I'm sorry to alarm you.

I think I'm frightening everyone.

It's just that I have questions.

Because I don't know if there were always two Kareems or if you and I split off later, but my memories are your memories until I got that internship.

And until this very evening, I haven't been able to get home.

This is a prank call.

I'm hanging up and I'm calling the police.

I don't think you should do it.

Listeners, I've got to cut tonight's show short.

Let's just play some music.

Here's

fine.

Here's Scarlet Sails with my love.

Every time I look at you, feeling blue, the clouds fire, my love.

And if I stumble all the way, take my hand and light my way,

my love

and it comes

as no

surprise.

I'll give you

my friend

friends

Cause any time

that we could

And any time

that we would

And anytime we've had a chance to escape

We've chosen to stay

And when you look at me this way with shine, your eyes persuade it not

my heart

I still don't know quite what the hell and why for me you felt you say

true love

None it cost

no extra price

You add spice

to all

my

fights

Cause any time

that we could

and any time

that we would

And anytime we've had a chance to skate

We've chosen to stay

We've had a chance to came

We've us up

to stay.

Cause any time

that we could,

and any

that we would

and any time we've had a chance to escape

We've just chosen

to stay

We've had a chance to escape

We've chosen

to stay

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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So breathe in and breathe out.

Bad CRM was then.

This is ServiceNow.

Hey, this is Kareem.

Leave a message.

Hey, Kareem, it's Gina.

Sorry for calling your personal number.

You really need to get your private data off the internet.

But you don't have to worry about me being one of the crazy ones.

I'm a total normal.

Really boring.

But I did want to call you to say that I was just staring at Frank's drugs on Western Minchigan Avenue.

Sorry, Western Michigan.

Nope, I can't talk.

Western Michigan.

You know what road I'm talking about.

Anyway, I saw you walk into a little doorway next to Frank's.

You were with an older couple.

Were those your parents?

Anyways, when I walked down to the door...

I wasn't following you, by the way.

I...

Was just being curious.

But then when I got to the door you went through, it wasn't there.

It It was just a plain old ball.

Where did you go?

Was that even you?

Oh, it was the other guy, wasn't it?

Oh my god.

Oh, I cannot wait to hear next week's show.

Oh my god, I'm so excited.

Okay, and if like you wanted to call me back, you can.

I know you have a girlfriend.

I don't mean like that.

Just nah, shut up, Gina.

Gina!

Blah, stop talking me.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey man, it's Kareem from Night Vale.

Mom and dad are coming with me.

I want them to see where I've been living.

I need them to believe me, even though you don't.

I used to be that way, too.

We are the same person, or were, at some point.

And I know you love mom and dad, but so do I.

You can't know what it's like to miss them.

to be afraid about what's going on.

To experience true existential terror.

But you will.

And I'm really sorry, dude.

They'll be back, probably.

I'll find them a way back to Milligan.

Mysticam.

It's already starting, and we're not even through the door yet.

I suppose you're wondering why I didn't bring you with me.

Well, I thought about that, but two things.

One, you wouldn't have agreed anyway, and two, my friend, the one I told you about, who showed me the door, she warned me about bringing my doppelganger to Nightvale.

Things don't go well for doubles there.

She wouldn't elaborate, but looked pretty serious.

Alright, I'll stay in touch.

Mom and dad will, too, as best we can.

Nightvale is pretty weird, man.

Hey, did you hear that episode in 99% Invisible about the Brownstone Fire?

They did a really good job on that.

Truly captured the vibe of the town.

I'm glad more people know about Nightvale in New World.

Maybe we'll finally figure out how to get reliable roads in and out of town.

And maybe one day you'll be able to come here too.

Again, we'll be sorry.

So

take care.

I guess.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disperition.

The voice of Kareem was Adol Rafai.

The voice of Doug was John Patrick Cohen.

The voice of Gina was Erin Keefe.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's song in the middle was My Love by Scarlett Sales.

Find out more at scarletsales.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or eavesdrop on the conversations of neighborhood dogs.

Oh, woof woof?

Really?

So interesting.

Woof woof.

Check out WelcometonNightvale.com for info about our upcoming tour and how to be the weather on Night Vale.

Yes, you.

I mean, if you are good at music.

Today's proverb.

Sun's out, guns out, moon's out, spoon's out, stars out, Lars out.

Hi, Lars.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner.

And Joseph Fink.

Of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Krusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Skelly gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.