186 - The Many Lives of Frank Chen

Howdy, Jeffrey Kraner here.

You probably know that Welcome to Night Vale does live tours.

We've done seven of those tours, in fact.

If you never got to see these tours, or even if you did and you want to relive them, we have live recordings available to you right now over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

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We've also got some one-off events like our Thrilling Adventure Hour crossover show, our first-ever live show, Condos, as well as The Debate.

These albums are only $5 and they're so much fun.

So while we're between tours, tide yourself over with our live albums.

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Merriam-Webster defines love as a species of frog found in the lower Amazon, known for its bright coloration and hideous croak.

Merriam-Webster is not a very good dictionary.

Welcome to Night Vale.

To catch you all up, the family of Frank Chen sued the city of Nightvale over Mr.

Chen's death.

The judge in the case gave the city one year to return a living Frank Chen to his family exactly as he had been when he died, or the family would get complete control and ownership over the town.

Well, now that I've summarized that, it turns out it's all moot, because the city has declared that they have Frank Chen back.

As good as new.

Oh yeah, said the sheriff, it was easy, almost too easy.

Like, give us a challenge next time, because we did this super fast, and next time, we want it to be more difficult.

There is no word yet on how the city accomplished this, and we have not seen the living Frank Chen, so I cannot verify any of the claims involved in this story.

But, certainly, I will keep you updated as this strange moment progresses.

In a landmark decision, the U.S.

Supreme Court has overturned the ban on wheat and wheat byproducts.

The case, Big Rico vs.

the Town of Nightvale, has been working its way through the courts for years, and all commentators agree that the case and its results are confounding.

What is this even about?

said one MSNBC legal correspondent.

Wheat and wheat byproducts turning into serpents?

Is this some sort of joke?

Justice Michael Bay, writing for the majority, had similar sentiments.

He writes, We do not understand this case and we hate it, and we hate you for bringing it to us.

He then said that, of course, no one could ban wheat and wheat byproducts.

The remaining 15 pages of the opinion were doodles of ski jumpers and cool airplanes.

We have yet to see what effect this shocking decision will have on Nightvale, where wheat and wheat byproducts have been banned for almost a decade due to that one really bad day we all had with them.

I suppose we will just have to see what wheat does now that it has been released from its prison.

Well, consider me a believer.

The sheriff's secret police brought out a shrouded shape, and with a lot of fanfare, provided by the Nightvale Middle School Orchestra, and if I'm being honest, the fanfare was a bit pitchy, They pulled the shroud off.

Underneath was indeed a living Frank Chen, appearing to be exactly like he was on the day he was last seen those many years ago.

Hey, Frank said.

It's uh

it's Frank.

Hi.

Frank Chen's family reacted with suspicion, asking to examine Frank more closely and question him about what has happened and where he has been.

But the sheriff dismissed the requests.

You wanted Frank Chen?

Here's Frank Chen, the sheriff said.

Boom!

Promise delivered.

Another job well done by the city of Nightmale.

Frank Chen then wandered off from the press conference stage to the moonlight all-night diner, saying he was starving.

His family followed after him, muttering suspiciously.

Yep, the sheriff continued, leaning against the podium and adjusting their sunglasses.

We really nailed this one.

I think everyone owes us a big thank you, but hey, we don't expect one.

Doing the job is all the thanks we need.

Unless anyone wants to thank us.

In which case, we will also be accepting small or large gifts.

As the reporters filed out, the sheriff was pumping their fist and shouting, hell yeah!

More on this, if there is more.

And now, the community calendar.

Friday, there will be a talent show at Dark Owl Records.

Co-owners Michelle Wynne and Maureen Johnson invite anyone with a talent to come display it for their friends and community members.

But, said Michelle, only if it's a good talent?

Please, don't embarrass us.

Michelle said that she will be displaying her collection of crocheted sweaters for Hawks, and Maureen will be reading from her latest best-selling young adult mystery novel.

See you there.

Saturday just says the storm of knives.

So maybe carry an umbrella with you.

Sunday is Pay What You Want Day at...

Oh god.

Telly's Barbershop.

This program is designed to allow everyone in the community, even those with less means, the opportunity to get bungled haircuts that look terrible.

Telly said something about how all money received will be donated to mutual aid funds and local food banks, but I didn't really listen because his voice is terrible

and literally hurts my ears.

So I guess if you want to give money to those in need and get a ghastly haircut, head on down to

wherever his barbershop is.

I've never cared to find out.

This Monday, the McDonald's Out in the Sand Wastes will be serving burgers and fries.

This special menu is a test market for possible new options at the fast food franchise that of course currently specializes in pizza.

Personally, I'm skeptical about this new direction, although I will say that their pizza is pretty good for the price.

This Tuesday, my former intern Kareem, oh hey, go Kareem, will be giving a geography talk at the Rec Center entitled, We Live in a Shattered Universe and I Alone Must Mend It.

Anyone with a yearning to learn more about maps and,

you know,

map stuff?

Go check that out.

So proud of our Kareem.

And finally, this Thursday is a cake sale in Grove Park to benefit people who make cakes and would like to get paid money for them.

Go buy a cake for that great cause.

This has been the community calendar.

The family of Frank Chen has said that this new Frank Chen is nothing like the Frank they knew.

Frank was very into polka, said Don Chen, Frank's older brother.

He had a band he'd play with on weekends, couldn't get enough.

This new Frank wouldn't know a Slovenian polka from a Chicago push, basic stuff like that.

This ain't our Frank, Mr.

Chen concluded.

When confronted about this, the sheriff defended their work.

Listen, they said, we took the genetic material from Frank's body and had a clone grown.

and then rapidly age the clone using genome manipulation so this is genetically identical to Frank Chen.

And they have nothing to complain about.

Okay, okay, fine.

He has only ever known the cold embrace of a laboratory, and has only been alive a couple of months, but no one is perfect.

But the family has already made an appeal to the court, saying that a clone made through hideous abuse of medical technology does not fulfill the terms of the court's settlement.

We will see what the judge says.

In the meantime, This new Frank Chen sat on a bench in Grove Park eating a taco.

He had never had a taco before, and when when asked what he thought of it, he said it was, I quote,

good.

Wow, this is getting really intense.

Now, obviously I, as a radio professional and the husband of a scientist, know all there is to know about cloning, but I thought some of you might be confused about what happened here and how any of it was even possible.

I asked Carlos to join us, but our daycare had to close for the day due to snake rain, so he's working from home right now.

But don't worry, I've brought on computer expert and general smart person Melanie Pennington to talk us through how all this works.

Melanie?

Thanks.

Uh, Nigel, was it?

Cecil?

It was Nigel, I think.

It's Cecil.

Cloning is a very simple process.

Within all of us is something called DNA, which is a goo that tells the rest of the goo which way to ooze.

I apologize for using technical language, but there's just no way around it.

This is a very complicated subject.

So, we take the the DNA goo and we tell it, make another, and the DNA does.

This is the clone.

The clone looks and thinks like the person before, but the tricky bit here is that we are only a little bit shaped by our ooze.

Much more so, we are the result of a series of tiny moments and decisions.

The waft of air from this window versus the cold drift from another.

The way the light glimmers on the wall just so.

Whether or not we end up on a manned mission to Mars.

These tiny decisions add up to shape a person, and the entire casual chain is impossible to replicate, even under the most careful of laboratory conditions.

As a result, clones are ultimately failures, and in this way, are very much like the rest of us, after all.

Thank you.

Uh, Beauregard, I think was your name.

Yup, it's Cecil.

We've met many times before.

Thank you, Melanie.

The Nightvale Medical Board would like to remind you that soil is not technically food.

While we all agree that soil is delicious, a lovely rich texture with the zippy crunch of pebbles and bird bones, a loamy flavor that connects directly to the region's terroir, a taste that can be best described as unmistakably earthy with undertones of grass, and a slight woodiness from the tree roots.

And it's definitely sustainable.

I mean, there's gobs of the stuff everywhere waiting for you to scoop it up and cram it into your mouth.

But the Nightville Medical Board is disappointed to remember soil is not actually consumable.

Even if you want to, said the medical board.

Even if you really,

really want to.

Like, oh my god, just let me at that soil, you know, joked the medical board.

Only it kind of also wasn't a joke at the same time.

Uh, just kidding, unless you're into it.

In which case, the medical board said, we can eat soil.

I mean, we'll do it, if you'll do it.

Totally a joke.

But we are also completely down.

This has been a public health announcement.

Frustrated by the Chen family's protestations, the city of Nightvale has produced four more franc chens.

Oh yeah, we made a bunch, said the sheriff.

You know, in case it took a few tries to work it out.

So, I don't know.

Here's some more francs.

Any of these good for you?

The four francs smiled politely at the audience.

One of the francs waved shyly, and another turned to the third franc and whispered something.

The Frank Chen from this morning sat in the audience, watching.

He was now eating his first grilled cheese sandwich, and he said it was, I quote,

good.

The family still maintains that none of these people are really Frank Chen, and in fact, this entire experience is very horrifying for them.

So, let's see how this goes.

And in the meantime, here's the weather.

Well, this is where I ended up.

This is where I'm gonna stay.

This is somewhere made of love.

And this is what I'm gonna say.

Tell me, do you understand

what it is to be alive?

And tell me, do you understand

what you feel but can't describe

And did your eyes fill up with smoke

And did you hear a blinding light

And did decay creep in your bones

Did you fall into the night

All the people walking by,

people walking in the dark.

Send them all to where I am.

There's so much light in Bryan Park.

Come to the movie night.

I know it's crowded, but

you can't imagine all sorts of things keep your eyes shine.

Come to the movie night,

it doesn't run too late.

Just live in my street, we'll stay awake.

So take your dappled motivation

and build the bridge between your worlds.

Then turn your mind into a city

and send the exports far and wide

A good percentage of reserve

A solar passive power source

Invest in education

Send out the invitations

They will come and visit you, of course

Outsource your sanity

Trade hope

across the ocean.

Give credit to the architect.

Your skyscrapers are soaked in emotion.

The public transport will be unprecedented

through the sky and underground.

Above the sculptures and among the clouds

That is where they'll see you now

There's nowhere else I'd rather be

Although I wish you were here with me

I can see you through the story

But it's not the same, it's not the same

No, it's not the same, it's not the same

Come to the movie night,

I know it's droughtic fire

You can imagine all sorts of things with your eyes shut Come to the movie night

Come to the movie night

Because I need you here tonight

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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We return in the wake of a judicial decision.

Judge Chaplin has heard arguments from both sides and has decided that the city has not met the requirements of her ruling.

She had ordered that Frank Chen be returned, not a copy of Frank Chen.

And so no matter how many clones the city tries to offer, none of them fit the requirements set forth in November.

The sheriffs stomped their feet, said, fooey, and then turned to the five Frank Chens and said, well, good luck out there, and left the courtroom.

The Chen family shook their heads in disgust and also left.

The five Frank Chens seemed lost, unsure what to do next, but eventually they wandered off too to live their separate lives.

The first Frank Chen moved to Maine.

He liked that it sounded cold and distant.

After everything he had been through, he felt he could use a little cold and distance.

He got a job at a bank, which became a career at a bank.

It turned out that Frank Chen was temperamentally suited to the job of sitting at a desk, staring at the same wall every day for years and years.

But sometimes, on weekends, he would travel alone into the main woods until he wasn't sure where he was, until every landmark looked unfamiliar.

He would take a few silent minutes in the heart of who knows where, his breath little clouds around his face.

And then he would sigh and start the painstaking process of finding his way back home.

The second Frank Chen moved to Los Angeles.

He had vague ideas about the movie industry, but no particular job in mind.

He just liked the glamour of it.

He didn't want to be famous, but he wanted to be near fame.

He moved into an apartment in South Pasadena, got a job with the city setting up and maintaining those machines that measure how many cars can move through an intersection so the municipal authority can decide if the intersection warrants a stoplight.

He liked that job, which took him all over the wide reach of Los Angeles to neighborhoods he would never have otherwise visited.

His interest in the movies dissipated and he fell in love with the city as it really was.

He married and his wife went with him on trips up the California coast where they would take long walks near the Redwoods.

He died at the age of 81 and was buried in Glendale.

The third Frank found himself in Kansas City.

Although this was not a conscious decision on his part, he just went off into the world.

And then the next thing he knew, he had an apartment in Kansas City and a job washing dishes at a fancy restaurant in a fancy hotel.

Soon he was making salads at that fancy restaurant and then, 10 years later, he was sous chef.

He had no real interest in food, but he found that he did have a talent for it.

Eventually he married the chef, a beautiful French man, who also had no idea how he had ended up in Kansas City, and they left the hotel to start their own restaurant, which they named Clarissa after their first child.

The fourth Frank Chen ended up in the town of Nelson, along the Tasman Bay on the south island of New Zealand.

It would seem like there should be an interesting story of how he ended up all the way out there, but there isn't.

He just saw a photo of the area in a magazine and decided to visit.

And once he had visited, he liked it enough to never leave.

He got a job at a smoothie shop, but unlike his fellow Frank Chen, he found that he had no aptitude for food whatsoever.

So instead, he became a yoga instructor.

The town was a tourist destination and full of white people interested in yoga and crystals, so he did quite well.

He was engaged to a tourist, a man named Paul, who coincidentally was from Kansas City, but ultimately the engagement fell apart.

In his old age, this Frank Chen took to making ornate stone piles on local beaches.

And finally, the original clone of Frank Chen, the first one offered by the secret police.

He stayed in Nightvale, changed his name to Neil Liu, and did his best to just quietly live his life.

He was a little embarrassed over the whole thing with the judge and the press conference, and he sometimes ran into people who had known Frank Chen, which was awkward.

But he found he liked Nightvale and was willing to experience awkward moments in order to continue his life there.

Neil worked nights at the Ralphs, stocking the shelves.

He eventually became night manager, then store manager, and then was invited to work at corporate.

But that would mean leaving Nightvale, and he didn't want to do that.

So he didn't.

In the evenings, he wrote songs on an upright piano he bought from a church, but he was too shy to share the songs with anyone except his wife, Linda, who always reacted the same way by hugging him and whispering hot breath on his ear, oh Neil, I love it.

Stay tuned next for our most popular program, The Incoherent Screaming Hour.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale.

It's a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Melanie was Molly Quinn.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Movie Night by Jonah Myers.

Find out more at jonamyers.net or jonamyers.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or become simply one with everything in the universe, I guess.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

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So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

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Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

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