A Spy in the Desert – Out today!

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the west coast plus the southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV Insurance.

RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets.

So if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance.

They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.

See Progressive's other benefits and more when you quote RV Insurance at progressive.com today.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates pet injuries and additional coverage and subject to policy terms.

This episode is an excerpt from our new live recording.

The secret of Cecil Palmer.

Yes, this live album includes the audio of that secret.

So for the first time, all of the rest of you can hear what was being whispered on that stage.

Grab this full live show album on nightvale.bandcamp.com or on iTunes and enjoy this excerpt right now.

Oh, and we are making a couple bonus guest recordings that were only performed at a few stops on the tour, exclusive to our donor member scouts who help our podcast get made.

So, if you want to hear brand new material with, oh, Steve Carlsberg or Carlos the Scientist, head on over to welcome to Nightvale.com and click on membership.

Plus, you'll be helping us to continue making Welcome to Nightfail.

And hey, let's all get dogs, okay?

A tisket, a tasket.

My god, what's in that basket?

Welcome to Nightvale.

Listeners, it's another beautiful day here in Night Vale, and I hope that you're all outside staring wild-eyed into the sun instead of cooped up in some dark room full of a bunch of people that you don't know.

The only thing that could ruin such a beautiful day as this is, well, this breaking news.

We have an outsider in our midst, a spy from a faraway land, a master of disguise who can mix imperceptibly into any crowd.

Now this spy has been known throughout the world as the Sparrowhawk, the Nightingale, the Southern Blue-eared Glossy Starling, and the Tufted Tit Mouse.

But recently the spy started going by the code name the mink which is much better because minks are adorable and birds are idiots

Now the Mink has stolen secrets from the world's most powerful governments, but unlike most spies, the Mink works independent of any agency.

They steal confidential information, but they never reveal any of that information to anyone.

They are the perfect keeper of stolen knowledge.

Now the Mink does possess an unparalleled range of regional and national accents, as well as a fanny pack full of fake mustaches, eyeliner, and press-on nails.

Right in their fanny pack.

The founders of Night Velt built this town upon secrets, with a Byzantine system of powerful and opaque city leadership.

And what are we as a town without those secrets?

It would make sense then that the city council and the sheriff's secret police would want to stop the mink from learning our secrets.

So, if you see anyone that you do not know, do not approach them

because they could be a dangerous spy.

Simply carry on as normal, as you would, and treat them like you would any stranger, which is to stand 20 feet away, point and shout, Interlooper!

And thus by behaving in this completely normal way, they will not think that they've been spotted.

And then immediately go and call the secret police.

Make sure that you have registered for a citizens protection account with plans starting as low as $25 a month.

Otherwise, the police will not assist.

And then once you've registered your account, tell the police that you saw a person you do not know in public.

And that person, thus logically, could be the mink.

And they'll catch them and we can all move on to the next terrifying news story.

But first, a look at sports.

Last night, witnesses reported seeing a padded man carrying an inflated lump of animal skin across an open, well-lit field.

They could not identify him as his face and head were fully covered by a round plastic hat.

Several other unidentified men were chasing this man, panting and sweating.

And hundreds of witnesses on this side of the field all began shaking their fists in the air and chanting, Crush him, crush him, crush him crush

and then witnesses on this side of the field were shaking their fists and chanting violence violence

and their screams reached the crescendo

And then they stopped and they watched as this man spiked the lump of animal flesh and it began to inch along a pinkish trail of biscuits.

And

the very back rows began a soft chant of, What have you done?

What have you done?

What have you done?

And it made its way forward and forward, row by row, until the entire auditorium was chanting, What have you done?

What have you done?

What have you done?

What have you done?

What have you done?

What have you done?

And the skin split open, revealing a white skeletal face with two bulbous red eyes.

And the face cranked up on a long neck, and it hissed and it bared its fangs and snapped into the neck of the man who had spiked it.

Tore off a long swath of flesh.

And a woman wearing all black and white stripes took this flesh and blew into it like a balloon and handed it to another padded man.

And the process started all over again.

And everyone in the crowd shouted, Mortality!

And this has been sports.

It's true.

Once again, get the complete live recording of A Spy in the Desert at nightvale.bandcamp.com or on iTunes.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9, wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.