160 - The Weather

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No man is an island.

Some men are fjords.

Most men are oxbows.

All men are ravines.

Welcome to Nightvale.

The news coming up.

But first, let's go to the weather.

There's a cold front moving through Night Vale.

Temperature at City Hall is currently 63 degrees and sunny, with wind gusts later this afternoon of up to 40 miles per hour.

These winds are expected to bring cold air as low as 20 degrees this evening and possibly dropping to below zero overnight.

It's unknown what's causing this weather is a statement I make every day.

Looking out into the sky, is it God?

Perhaps it is the government.

Perhaps Earth itself?

Is it out of boredom that the weather exists?

Maybe it is out of care.

That would suggest the existence of a God who wishes us well, but it does not explain the fierce destructiveness of a blizzard, or a heat wave, or a tornado, or a tsunami.

Is a tsunami weather?

That is a question best left to oceanographers, meteorologists, or a tarot deck.

But why would God make a thing then mar it?

What mood change is this?

What care can this God have for humanity?

Ah,

and maybe that's the point.

Ah, that does make me feel better.

To think that it all doesn't matter.

It really takes a lot of pressure off, doesn't it?

Anyway, it's getting cold tonight.

Bundle up, Night Vale.

Let's have a look at agriculture.

John Peters, you know, the farmer, says his orange crop this year is massive.

He says the quantity of product has not deviated, only the quality.

Them oranges are huge,

John said, holding an orange the size of a 2002 iMac computer.

I can't fit this thing into one of them orange crushers what that I make the juice with, he said, struggling to keep his back straight under the weight of the abnormally sized citrus fruit.

John says he's excited for his orange grove, which has been doing great ever since he genetically modified his crop to no longer cause teleportation across existential dimensions when consumed.

Despite his excitement for orange sales, John says he's worried about next year's crop of invisible corn.

He said he looked up summer 2020 in his farmer's almanac and all it said was,

well,

crap.

Good luck.

John plans to diversify his farm investment by raising cattle for slaughter.

He's vegan these days, so he does not want to sell the cattle for meat or dairy.

He'll just raise the cattle until they're old enough to kill.

Best of luck in all your endeavors, John.

Hope you finally win that coveted best orange at the Citrus Festival this year.

Many of our listeners have written concerned emails about the temperature possibly falling below zero.

Bob Sturm of Old Town said, Zero is the lowest number, Cecil.

I'm a big stats guy, and I can tell you that you cannot have less than nothing.

That's impossible.

Well, listen, Bob, I'm a journalist, not a numerologist, so I don't know what to tell you.

Apparently, there are many unknown numbers below zero, and as they are discovered, rest assured I will be here to report on them.

Reina Guerrero from the West Side asks if there's anything we can do to better prepare ourselves for this weather.

Well, Reina, here are some tips I just looked up online.

One, bundle up.

Yeah, your heater can only do so much.

Two, bring your pets indoors.

And if you have an agent from a vague yet menacing government agency outside your home assigned to record your every movement, invite them in as well.

You don't want them freezing alone out there in their black sedan.

3.

Light a fire if you have a fireplace.

If you do not have a fireplace or pellet stove, try using a refrigerator or sink.

4.

If you should lose power at any time, do not panic.

Just curl into a ball, breathing heavily and repeating, oh god, no, oh god, no, oh god, no, oh god, no, through loudly chattering teeth.

Now, we're not expecting precipitation tonight, but should it snow, I recommend making a snow angel.

Yeah, that's always fun.

All you have to do is lie flat on your back, arms and legs outstretched until you are called into celestial service to whatever greater authority rules these beautiful creatures.

Thank you for your questions and comments.

I'll do my best to keep our town up to date on the latest weather.

But first, this Saturday is Nightvale's annual holiday fireworks extravaganza at the Nightvale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area.

There will be live music by local bands, including a new band by Dark Owl Records owner Michelle Wynn and her girlfriend Maureen.

Ah, my old intern Maureen.

Their band is called the Funtastics, and it's a folk country/slash trance tribute band performing the a cappella covers of Philip Glass Scores.

According to Michelle's press release, please do not watch our show.

I'm very angry you even know about it.

I hate that our secret concert at the annual Holiday Fireworks Extravaganza, Nightville's most anticipated and attended annual event, was leaked to the press.

Following the concert, there will be a collective prayer to the great

Golden

Hand.

And then the fireworks will begin.

Event organizers say they have a special fireworks display in store for attendees this year.

Traditionally, the biggest explosions are reserved for the end of a half-hour-long buildup of lesser explosions.

But focus groups have indicated that people are tired of having to wait for the best part.

So, instead of normal boring fireworks, they will be blowing up old cars using the 18,000 tons of solid fuel they found at an abandoned missile silo on the edge of the sand wastes.

The Holiday Fireworks Extravaganza would like to thank the Sheriff's Secret Police for the vehicle donations, which are mostly cars impounded this past week for overdue state inspection stickers.

Can't wait to see everybody this Saturday at the Fireworks Extravaganza.

The power is out now in Old Town Nightvale and at the library and on the south end.

The temperature has dropped to five degrees and I think it will continue to plummet throughout the night.

People are doing everything they can to prepare.

Before the stores close, I recommend driving out and picking up some water as well as canned goods, even some fresh produce and raw meat while it's still there.

I mean, people worked hard to grow that food 10 states away and then drive it across the country right here to you and you haven't bought it yet.

Even if your refrigerator is not working because of the power outages, it'll be cold enough in your house to keep keep it all fresh.

So get out there and spend your money on food.

We have so much of it.

Let's use it, Nightvale.

But above all, stay warm.

If you're alone, visit a neighbor.

Body heat and company can help a lot in weather like this.

And if you have room in your home, welcome your neighbors in.

There's no reason to be alone at a time like this.

Plus, it's the holiday season.

Why not keep each other warm with stories, with camaraderie, with good fellowship?

And if you can't be with others tonight,

then I will do my best to keep you company through this brutal cold.

I'd like to tell you a story of my childhood.

It's a very personal story, one I've never shared on the air before.

I'm a bit nervous to tell it to you all, but if ever there was a time for a story to bring us closer together, now is that time.

I will tell you that story in a moment, but first, let's have a look at sports.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning for the Greater Night Vale Area.

Temperatures as low as negative 10 degrees are predicted with high winds gusting up to 60 miles per hour.

Wind chills overnight may reach negative 30 degrees.

Residents of Nightvale and the surrounding towns of Pine Cliff, Red Mesa, and Desert Bluffs too should seek shelter.

They should band, together around fireplaces with heaters at their highest settings.

In cases where heat sources are not accessible or operating, residents should huddle in the vacant let-out back of the Ralphs.

Come huddle with us.

Come huddle with us.

There is a barrel here.

It is filled with trash, and we have lit it on fire.

It is so warm.

The trash.

The trash is mostly paper and cardboard, but it is also something greater than that.

It is a symbol of progress, of the great tower, of industry, and need, a ruined tower, like Babel, which has toppled under the weight of its hubris.

And in the language of flame, it tells us things.

It tells us so much.

Not through words but through visions.

Here is a list of visions the fire has revealed to us.

1.

Two spools of coaxial cable.

2.

A single light bulb, atop an anthill.

3.

An empty cake.

A round, squat cylinder of frosting, beneath which lies nothing, not even air.

A void cake.

Happy birthday, echoes a choir from a good distance away.

4.

A great black bird whose white wings brush along the castle turret.

5.

A snake spiraled and asleep inside a leather boot.

6.

A wheel-less tractor in a vast wasteland of cracked earth.

7.

Your brother.

Not a brother you know, but a brother you once had.

He looks like you, and he repeats your name, but backwards.

8.

Smoke clouds shaped like vice grips.

These are the visions of the flames, in the barrel, in the vacant lot, out back of the Ralphs, beneath our gaze, and across our minds, beyond our consciousness.

These are the remains of the great tower of humanity.

Come huddle with us.

You, without heat.

You, without home.

You, without hope.

Come huddle with us.

This severe weather warning is in effect through 8 a.m.

tomorrow, when a warm front is expected to move through the region, bringing sunny skies and high temperatures in the mid-80s.

And everyone will return to their normal lives, satisfied that they have outdoor death, once again, confusing accidental survival with competence and and immortality.

What doesn't kill you, only makes you more complacent.

The National Weather Service knows this is but a night together with you, not a whole life.

For what we have in this moment is truer than rain, but briefer than thunder.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

I'm not saying the morning will not hurt.

I'm only saying the joy of memory is stronger than the prick of any blade upon mine heart.

This has been a severe weather warning from the National Weather Service.

Stay tuned to the station for further updates.

I love you.

I have always loved you.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming.

And that

is what I saw in the mirror that day.

And why I do not

like to go near mirrors.

Ever.

Wow.

I never told that story to anyone before.

I hope it has kept you company throughout this treacherous night.

I hope it has kept you warm.

Just knowing you're listening somewhere out there in the cold dark has kept me warm.

Stay safe,

wherever you are.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode, Sports, was Suspension of Disbelief by Victory Soul Orchestra.

Find out more at victoryysoulorchestra.com.

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Today's proverb: who called it Snow Piercer instead of Chris Evans's Polar Express?

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Yeah, okay.

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And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

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It is.

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Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

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Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.