157 - The Promise of Time

Here's something I say a lot, but it's just the truth.

We couldn't make this show without our Patreon.

It is by far the biggest way we are able to pay everyone working on the show, from the writers to the actors, to Jessica, who does original artwork for every single episode, to Joella, who does all the back-end business stuff.

All of these people are able to pay their bills, and we are all able to put out the show because of our Patreon.

We try to give some cool rewards as a thank you.

Four bonus episodes a year that are not released on the main feed, ad-free versions of our episodes, monthly Zoom hangouts with the Nightfall Writers, director's notes on every episode, a brand new book club we are launching led by the Nightfall Writers, and even the chance for you to appear in future Nightfall episodes as a character.

So, all of that is there, but also just the knowledge that this thing exists in the world that otherwise wouldn't, and you are part of that.

So, consider heading to welcometonightvale.com and clicking on Patreon and becoming a patron or upgrading your existing membership.

We deeply, truly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Packages by Expedia.

You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

We were made to easily bundle your trip.

Expedia made to travel.

Flight inclusive packages are at all protected.

If it walks like a duck, and sings like a duck and excretes slime like a duck, then it's a

you know,

I don't think that's a duck.

Welcome to Night Vale.

The future is here, listeners.

The future is now.

Dying has become a bad joke, and we wonder how we ever put up with it.

The Quality Cryogenics Corporation, run by one Casper Rhodes, is offering a simple solution:

they will remove your brain upon death, freeze it, and then revive you hundreds of years from now when the technology exists to live eternally.

The town was recently traumatized by time working correctly and us all having to deal with aging.

So this solution is exactly what we are looking for.

And it only costs 10,000 in cash, No refunds.

I am currently getting together the funds to purchase this service for both myself and my husband Carlos because I believe that the two of us can live together forever.

No more is there this awful time limit ticking down from the moment of our meeting until the moment of our parting.

Now our brains will sit snugly next to each other until we are awakened anew to a bright future.

Carlos says he is a little unsure about this because he thinks that death is one of the most scientific processes of all.

But he'll come around.

We'll just talk about it and he'll see it my way.

After all, we have the rest of our lives and our lives will never end.

Here's the news.

Now that we all know we're going to get to live there, all any of us can talk about is the future.

What is it going to be like?

Will there be trees?

Will we still have that insufferable moon?

These are the questions we are all having to consider now that we will live forever.

And one person is claiming to have those answers.

A professional futurist and digital prophet named Enzi has released a lengthy report outlining what the future is like.

Apparently, skyscrapers will be twice as tall, but also twice as thin.

Each floor will only hold about one medium room or three very small rooms.

But also, skyscrapers will have thousands of floors.

The biggest revelation in Enzi's report is that, in the future, menial labor will be done by robots.

Robots will wash our cars, clean our toilets, and cook our food, leaving us all the time in the world to quietly boil with existential dread.

According to Enzi, these robots first enter the market in about 100 years and then really catch on until everyone has three or four at their disposal.

And also, everyone is so,

so

bored.

Man,

the future sounds great.

I can't wait to get there.

This has been the news.

Let's have a look at today's horoscopes.

Leo.

This is a fantastic month for new business plans, travel, meeting new people, and breaking out of the windowless prison cell you woke up in this morning.

Good luck on all those exciting ventures.

Virgo.

I hope you are not too attached to your left hand.

Either way, you won't be soon.

Libra.

You will walk out from your house.

The sun will look strange to you even though you think perhaps it always looked like that.

It will look like it always has and it will look so strange.

As you walk down the street you will see a path you've never noticed before leading away from the familiar into a dark and twisted wood.

You will follow this path, the warm dirt softly crunching under your feet.

At the end of the path you will come to a small and cozy home.

In the window will be a boy

and he will give you a sign.

A hand to the side means it is safe to go on.

A hand by the ear means the burrowers are hungry tonight.

A covered mouth means the time is nigh.

You may proceed accordingly.

Even the stars do not know what happens next.

Scorpio, you're a great brother-in-law, husband, father, and friend.

And if it's up to me, and let's be honest, it is.

The stars will never say another mean thing about you again.

Sagittarius.

You are really walking on thin ice here, buddy.

No, really, buddy, you are walking on thin ice.

Buddy, look down.

The ice is about to crack, and the waters below are so cold and clear.

You have never seen anything so beautiful.

Capricorn.

You have spent your life searching for your soulmate.

Finally, having given up on love, you will volunteer to board a starship destined to never return to our world.

You will live out decades on that vast arc, developing close but platonic relationships with the few fellow humans that are with you.

Finally, in your 83rd year, you will land on a planet that's surface will appear to be made entirely of silver.

You will step out onto that foreign terrain, and waiting for you will be an alien being made entirely of vapor.

A wisp of a creature whose droplets will curl around you, and you will smile and realize that you have finally found your soulmate.

Aquarius, your lucky number is five, which is also how many days you have left.

That's an auspicious coincidence.

Pisces,

everyone knows your terrible secret

and they think it's really boring.

Aries.

This just says spiders

in increasingly large fonts for about seven pages.

Oh, that's cute.

Taurus.

Turn your eyes to the heavens.

Honestly, it's better not to see what's approaching from below.

Gemini

There will come a day in which you will have to go to the ocean.

Who knows when that day will come?

You might be hundreds of miles away from the ocean.

You might be in an airplane, or working on a farm, in Ottawa.

But there will come a day.

in which you will have to go to the ocean, and so you will travel in whatever attire you were wearing when you you were called, barefoot and groggy, walking day and night, until you see the glitter of water, until you hear the hush of the waves, and then you will walk into the ocean until only your head is above the surface, and you will laugh and laugh and laugh,

and the ocean will laugh with you.

But to day is not that day.

Who knows when it will come?

And lastly, cancer.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Yeah.

Everything is basically fine with you.

Yeah.

You're good.

Nothing

to report.

This has been Horoscopes.

Demand has become so high for the services of the Quality Cryogenics Corporation that Casper Rhodes announced that he has run out of space for brains.

Gotta stuff these head blobs somewhere, he said.

But where to toss them?

City Council agreed that this is an important problem.

and immediately requisitioned large swaths of Nightvale real estate to serve as eventual brain storage locations.

There are rumors that this move was made in exchange for free use of cryogenic services by the city council.

But the council vehemently denied the allegation and said to prove their innocence, they would arrest anyone who tried to say that they were guilty.

Initially, the public library was one of the buildings intended to be converted to brain storage, but a single librarian scuttled out from the front door and stood eye to eyes with the city council until the city council whimpered and backed down.

At which point, the librarians silently retreated, their deadly point made.

Their library safe.

This is quite a change from when the only customer of Casper Rhodes was Charlie Bear, weekday shift manager at the Ralphs.

Now, there are only a few people left in town who haven't signed up.

I am a little ashamed to say that Carlos and I are one of those few.

It's taking me longer than I thought to scrape together the money.

And Carlos still wants to talk about it more, but don't worry, we will definitely join you all in the future.

I will see you there.

Speaking of which, local futurist and digital prophet Enzi is giving a seminar on the future.

But attendance is expected to be low.

Frankly, people find NZ's predictions a little silly.

After all, what does this NZI know about the future that we don't?

All any of us know about the future is that someday we will end up there, and by the time we get there, it won't be the future.

In any case, we expected more exciting predictions.

frequent space travel, miracle cures to disease, and contact with more alien species than the three we know about in our primitive time.

But NZI just won't shut up about robots and how much of the future is defined by robots serving us, hand and foot.

Only three people showed up to NZI's seminar, one of whom was your faithful reporter, and one especially upset attendee even through popcorn and led a chant of boring

during the part about the robots.

And I'm not sorry I did it either.

It was very boring.

The family of missing person Frank Chen has filed a lawsuit against the city, declaring criminal negligence in allowing a five-headed dragon to claim the identity of their one-headed human family member, merely because the dragon carried around Frank's ID.

You were all monsters, said Frank's sister Lauren.

Monsters!

Monsters!

She said this through a bullhorn as she drove her convertible up and down the city streets.

But how could we have known?

The city council fumed.

What?

Are we supposed to look into every suspicious disappearance in Nightfale?

We only have 18 hands.

We are doing the best we can.

The lawsuit will start with a document review and depositions.

Currently, they are seeking all records on the suspected killer of Frank Chen, one Hiram McDaniels, who has not been seen in town for a couple years now.

They also want to interview friends of Hiram, including a radio host who wouldn't describe himself as a friend, more a dedicated observer.

And now, a look at the stock market.

Wow.

This has been a look at the stock market.

Now let's go over to.

Hello?

Oh, sorry.

What are you doing in here?

Listeners, the futurist Enzi has entered the studio.

They are waving at me frantically and holding up signs.

Let me just put on my reading glasses.

Embarrassing, but I suppose we all eventually reach that age.

I never thought I would, but now the time is working correctly.

And I have aged.

Yes.

Yes.

No, I see you.

Pointing at the sign, screaming, Enzi, just give me a moment.

Now, where did I put those glasses?

It's it in my pocket.

Oh, now there's some sort of metal man next to Enzi.

Oh, yes, you have a sign.

Okay, all right, all right, here's my glasses.

Uh, Enzi's sign reads,

I am not a futurist.

I am from the future, a time traveler sent back to warn you all.

And they're still pointing at the metal man.

Oh, this is one of those robots that Enzi is always going on about.

Enzi is saying that everything they told us about the robots was true, and they brought one just to prove it.

Well, hi, robot.

Oh, oh, the robot has something to say.

Oh, wait, it's saying, I'm hardly a bear.

Well, no, I'd say you're not.

You're more of a robot.

Oh, no, I misheard.

They're saying, time card a pair.

What?

NC, I think your robot is malfunctioning.

Wait.

No, it's saying.

It's saying,

I'm Charlie Bear.

Charlie Bear?

Well, he's the weekday shift manager at the Ralphs.

This makes no sense.

The robot is saying again, I'm Charlie Bear.

And then it is saying,

help

me.

It is saying, help me over and over in a hollow digital moan.

Listeners, uh,

let's check in on the weather.

You don't need me

to dance.

You don't

need to fill your brain.

You should exercise

Sometimes I think I'm right on the

show,

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

Smart Choice.

Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies so you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.

Not available in all states or situations.

Prices vary based on how you buy.

CRM was supposed to improve customer relationships.

Instead, it's shorthand for customer rage machine.

Your CRM can't explain why a customer's package took five detours, reboot your inner piece, and scream into a pillow.

It's okay.

On the ServiceNow AI platform, CRM stands for something better.

AI agents don't just track issues, they resolve them, transforming the entire customer experience.

So breathe in and breathe out.

Bad CRM was then.

This is ServiceNow.

The robot told us everything.

Once the robot was Charlie Bear, weekday shift manager at the Ralphs, and then a man named Casper Rhodes came to town.

Casper offered the idea of living forever, freezing Charlie's brain after death so that he could wake up in the future once mortality was a bad dream, once sickness was a memory.

So, Charlie signed up.

He took out his life savings plus a couple loans and paid the $10,000.

And Charlie became the first customer of the Quality Cryogenics Corporation.

And Charlie was so happy.

He is so happy somewhere in town.

Even while this robot tells us its story, Charlie is unaware.

And he is happy because Charlie believes he has defeated death.

And Charlie will continue to believe this for another 15 years until the unfortunate whistle pig incident.

And after that, his brain will be removed from his mangled corpse and will remain frozen for centuries in the grain silo outside of town.

And then one day, Charlie will awaken.

It will be the future, as promised, and as promised, he will not be dead, but all will not be well.

He will have awoken as a brain in a metal body, chained to that body's programming.

It will be explained to him that he was brought to the future by the Quality Cyborg Corporation in order to take care of any errands or busy work needed while the humans of that future relax and watch him toil.

You see, when we deny death and toss ourselves into the future, we do so with the strange delusion that the future feels it owes us life.

That in the world of the future, they would want nothing more than to devote time and money into resurrecting each of us into eternal wellness.

But the future does not feel any obligation to us at all.

The past means only one thing to the future.

The past is a resource.

Every brain saved by Casper Rhodes

is a resource.

It is a trick.

We are being used.

We must put a stop to this.

We were all wrong trying to fight death this way.

To put our trust in the future as though it would be anything but some other person's present?

Carlos was right.

I was wrong.

Who is this Casper Rhodes?

And why is he doing this?

Oh,

Casper is calling into the station.

He must be calling to confess or otherwise explain his crimes.

Casper, is that you?

What have you done?

What have you done?

Hi there, Cecil.

Was listening to your show and really disappointed to hear what you were saying about me, buddy.

But as the smiling god says, When your enemies try to bring you down, just smile wider and wider until your smile eclipses the sun and then all other light in the universe

believe in a smiling god buddy believe in a smiling god

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Dispirition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Casper Rhodes is Rob Neal.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Good Intentions, Bad Advice by Nikki Flowers.

Find out more at nikkiflowers.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio or tell the sun that you will miss it during the night but you understand why it needs to leave.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for all of the holiday gifts you could need for the weirdo in your life.

Maybe that weirdo is even you.

Today's proverb.

As Dolly Parton said, tumble out of bed and I stumble to the kitchen.

Have to fight an evil magician.

Yawn and stretch and fight him for my life.

Wisewords

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9 wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.