155 - The Heist, Part 3

Howdy, Jeffrey Kraner here.

You probably know that Welcome to Night Vale does live tours.

We've done seven of those tours, in fact.

If you never got to see these tours, or even if you did and you want to relive them, we have live recordings available to you right now over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

You can find those seven different live show performances, including our most recent show, The Attic.

We've also got some one-off events like our Thrilling Adventure Hour crossover show, our first-ever live show, Condos, as well as The Debate.

These albums are only $5 and they're so much fun.

So while we're between tours, tide yourself over with our live albums.

That's nightvale.bandcamp.com.

Some days call for working up a sweat.

Working on your passion.

And endless action.

Ditch the glitch with Liquid IV's new energy multiplier sugar-free.

Refreshing flavors like strawberry kiwi kiwi and blackberry lemonade.

Scientifically formulated to support physical energy, hydration, focus, mood, and social stamina.

Liquid IV's new energy multiplier sugar-free, hydrating energy.

Tap the banner to learn more.

Leave no stone unturned.

Leave no rock unpivoted.

Leave no pebble untwirled.

Welcome to Night Vale.

My brother-in-law, Steve Carlsberg, is still in jail,

wrongly accused of the recent Bankheist.

But I am happy to have my husband Carlos back home.

The Sheriff's Secret Police had only taken Inim in for some questions regarding the robbery of the last Bank of Nightvale.

Sheriff Sam had deemed Carlos a person of interest, which I've been saying for years, but Sheriff Sam meant it differently.

Carlos said while he was being questioned at the police station, he saw the other bank employees who were there the day of the robbery.

Genevieve Daly, the new bank teller, was being asked if she saw anyone other than Steve Carlsberg near the vault that day.

Carlos said she was stone-faced, unhappy with the interrogation.

Susan Willman was there, crying, as the police asked her who else other than Steve Carlsberg could have a key.

And security guard Jesse McNeil was there, looking quite ill, almost seasick, according to Carlos, as the police tried to badger him into implicating Steve Carlsberg.

Caris has been home for a couple of weeks and in a terrible funk.

He said Steve has a nearly impossible case.

The police are convinced of Steve's guilt and all their evidence points directly to him.

Carlos hardly has any energy or emotion to work.

or even leave the house.

I feel awful for Steve too, and we are doing our best to support him and our family.

I tried cheering Carlos up by telling him my favorite science jokes, like two chemists walk into a bar and one tells the bartender, I'll have an H2O, and the other says, I'll have an H2O too.

And the bartender sighs and says,

it's been a long day, guys.

And then the two chemists nod and say, yeah, oh, got it, yeah, yeah, sorry, just a couple waters, thanks.

And then later, they make sure to tip very well.

But Carlos didn't even crack a smile, let alone laugh.

And

I asked him how his doorless fridge experiment was going, and he's welcome to work on it here in his home laboratory.

I don't even mind if he keeps staining everything green with that weird gel he's been using.

I ran out of gel, Cecil, he said, prone on the couch, not opening his eyes.

I couldn't work on that, even if I wanted to,

which I don't.

I want to curl up on the couch too.

Stay home from work.

But I know that would be terrible for Carlos.

There are many times I have felt flat or depressed, and Carlos has been there for me, keeping me company, taking in my sadness and reflecting back not a false smile, but attentive eyes, a listening posture that makes me feel heard and understood, and that's what I want to be for him.

Besides, I think Steve can beat these charges.

Steve may have been the only one with the key to the vault, but they cannot prove he opened the vault, as he was locked inside his own office during the robbery.

Besides, Steve keeps very detailed accounting, so they wouldn't be able to find the stolen money, not even if he had taken it.

Steve Carlsberg is

the nicest man in Nightvale.

He's a good boss, breaking his foot to get free to try to protect his employees.

He's a fine father,

a loving husband,

and a perfect brother-in-law.

It's just not...

It's not possible.

You know, if someone on the inside did this, it was probably Susan.

Susan Willman is the least trustworthy person in that bank, if not this whole town.

So if you're going to

station management

just slid a memo under my door gently, reminding me about libel laws.

The memo is written in fire on a sleek tablet, and there's a snake curled around it, so

I'm going to leave my Susan Willman theory alone.

But let's just say that there was an untrustworthy person in that bank, and their name was Sue Ann

Wilson.

Yes, Sue Ann Wilson, yes, and this hypothetical jerk was always complaining at PTA meetings about her own personal problems rather than focusing on the agenda.

Let's just say.

And this Sue Ann Wilson once accused Steve Carlsberg of censoring her when Steve was just trying to finish the meeting in a timely manner so that the basketball team could use the gym for evening practice.

This person might well hold a grudge against Steve Carlsberg and want to not only steal from him, but frame him for the crime.

Or

what if the Sheriff's Secret Police

was

doing a really great job, so great that they didn't have a lot of arrests to make because the town was so safe?

And of course, they would never need to frame someone for robbery.

So they would look like they were solving one of the few major crimes in recent memory.

Or maybe it was space slugs.

Some distant aliens from across the galaxy somehow found our solar system, spotted our Earth, and then randomly chose Night Vale.

And for whatever reason, they really wanted our money.

So they went down inside the bank vault while the building was on fire.

And without the safe key, they entered the locked room because these space slugs can crawl through walls and then they stole all the money.

I don't know.

I feel helpless.

Reading the news and getting angrier and angrier, but you know, there's little I can do about terrible things that keep happening.

I'm sure you can't relate.

Maybe a community calendar will cheer me up.

This Saturday, the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex opens its annual haunted Halloween hayride.

There were complications this year because a ghost union local 31 went on strike for an increase in pensions and maternity leave.

Teddy Williams, owner of the Desert Flower, argued that ghosts cannot retire nor get pregnant.

But the union countered with vaguely human faces muttering in the shadows while Teddy screamed, and eventually a deal was struck.

Sunday morning is the pie-eating contest at the Knightville Fair.

Contestants will be competing for the top prize of a 1991 Buickless Sabre autographed by former U.S.

Presidential Hopeful and Illinois governor Adelaide Stevenson.

Tuesday afternoon is a tedious song.

Wednesday night is the high school dance team statewide semifinals at the Rec Center.

Our own Nightvale High School is competing that night.

Their top rival is Red Mesa High School, who will be performing a jazz routine called Tommy Tunes Broadway, an upbeat medley of classic show tunes.

Nightvale's dance team will present Ohad Naharan's postmodern masterpiece Anaphase, a contemplative blend of sculpture, opera, and dance defined by its explosive physical bursts, chanting, and contrapuntal movements born of a 22-member ensemble who expressed the human body as a multi-dimensional art installation.

Good luck to all dancers.

And finally, Thursday is sick, so Friday will be covering Thursday's shift.

Except for the part about the haunted hayride,

that did not cheer me up.

I'm getting word that the secret police have made a breakthrough in their bank heist investigation.

Or maybe they found the real thief and can let Steve Carlsberg go.

Sheriff Sam said the lab results came back.

The fingerprints were inconclusive, as their top suspect, Steve, worked at the bank, so his fingerprints were everywhere.

But the lab reports did detail a strange goo police found on the vault walls.

This goo, a light green gel, was also found on the walls of the cells that the other robbers had escaped from two weeks ago.

So maybe my theory about space slugs is correct.

No wait.

The lab results showed that this unusual chemical can render certain metals intangible, allowing people to reach through walls without breaking them.

Police believe whoever used this greenish scu used it to rob the bank's vault and to free the prisoners inside the abandoned mineshaft outside of town.

The sheriff then said they discovered this exact same chemical on Steve Carlsberg's property.

They discovered it inside the shed behind the house.

And that this is the final piece of evidence that links Steve Carlsberg to the robbery of the last Bank of Nightvale.

They believe that.

Oh no.

Steve did not act alone.

That he had an accomplice, a scientific mastermind, who created this chemical for him.

who generated a complex concoction that enabled them to walk through walls stealing whatever they wanted.

They have a warrant out now for Carlos's arrest.

And I've got to call Carlos.

I.

Oh, it looks like he left a voicemail.

Hey, sweetie, it's um me.

So listen, I have um

so I've just been arrested.

No biggie, no biggie.

I'm fine.

This is actually pretty good news because I wanted to talk to the sheriff anyway about all this.

So that's great.

And I do have some new thoughts about what happened at the bank, and they're really interesting.

So they're driving me downtown to meet with...

Oh, ouch.

Those cuffs are a bit tight there,

Officer Q Fortier.

Oh, that is a beautiful name.

Is that Frenchian?

If you don't mind, Officer Fortier, I'm going to just finish my voicemail to my husband.

So Cecil, when I get downtown, I'll explain everything to them.

Steve and I clearly did not do this.

And that's what I'll tell them.

They're police.

You know, they just want to know the truth.

And oh, oh, Officer Fortier,

I'm not done with my call yet.

Sir, what are you doing with my phone?

I

let's go to the weather.

Put my underwear on, backwards every day.

Forgot to shower to brush my teeth, but I went out anyway.

Paid the girl next door to tie my shoes.

I play guitar, but I won't sing the blues.

I'm not the best one in my band.

No way, no way.

But if you like the tambouriner,

got no roof over my head.

My dying car is my new bed.

Got can from my shit job today.

No bills to pay, so that's okay.

I'm not the best one in the band.

No way, no way.

But if you like the tambourine, I'm your man.

Do you and me, it's three by three.

This bathroom home's temporary.

She's got no glass, throw my ass out to the streets.

It's you and me, it's three by three.

Never again.

So it's back to my car with the tambourine.

It's you and me, it's three by three.

Never again, so it's back to my car with the tambourine.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water surrounding you, lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice.

You're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play play on this podcast today.

Smart Choice.

Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

That's why they offer a tool called AutoQuote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies.

So you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.

Not available in all states or situations.

Prices vary based on how you buy.

Listeners, we now go live to Steve Carlsberg's press conference at City Hall.

Breaks my heart to know that such a dear friend of so many years, someone who has been in my home many, many times, someone who I consider family, could betray me, my bank, my town in this way.

I don't even know how to talk about such a breach of trust by someone so close.

Carlos,

Carlos.

Thank you, Carlos, for your brilliant and thorough evidence that put Jesse McNeil in jail today.

Our security guard of nearly 50 years committed a heinous crime, and he nearly sent the two of us to prison for it.

When Carlos arrived in my cell this morning, he was all smiles saying he had figured it out.

He called the sheriff over and said, check Jesse's skin for the same chemical they found on the doors.

Carlos had been experimenting with a gel that allowed him to reach his hands into refrigerators without opening the door and thus lowering the temperature of the food inside.

He had developed this chemical in his temporary lab in a shed behind our house.

The problem with the chemical wasn't its effectiveness and intangibility.

He had been able to make that work.

No, the problem with the chemical is that it stained everything it touched a dull green, including skin.

Carlos showed me his own hands, which were green from the fingertips to about halfway up his forearms.

He said the last few times he had seen Jesse, Jesse looked ill, not like a flu or cold, more like seasick, queasy,

green in the face.

Carlos didn't put it together right away because we all felt sick about not only the robbery, but the false charges against me.

The police reports also showed that none of the cash tills on the teller wall were affected by the fire that broke out during the robbery last month, which means the fire had to have started on the opposite wall, which is by the front door, Jesse's usual station.

The smoke from the fire and the three robbers waving guns provided a distraction for Jesse to cover himself with Carlos' intangibility gel, sneak downstairs past my office where he had locked me in earlier that day, and then unload the cash from the safe and carry it into the alleyway behind the bank where his car was parked.

When the fire trucks arrived, Jesse ran deliberately in front of their hoses so that the gel would all be removed from his body before the police began questioning those of us who had been inside during the robbery.

But as Carlos pointed out, the gel stains the skin for a long time.

Water alone won't remove it.

Sheriff Sam brought Jesse back in for questioning based on Carlos' statements and found Jesse's skin was the same dull green as Carlos' hands.

But unlike Carlos, the green stain stain covered Jesse's whole body, not only his hands, indicating he had used it to walk through walls rather than merely reach through a door.

Carlos explained that he had Jesse in his lab many times.

Jesse and all my employees come to my house regularly for dinners.

Like I said, they're family to me.

Jesse had taken an interest in Carlos' science projects, so Carlos showed Jesse his doorless fridge experiment.

Not long after that, Carlos noticed that the rest of his intangibility gel was gone.

He thought he had just run out, even though he had made plenty of it.

It never occurred to Carlos until he saw Jesse's green face a few days ago that Jesse had stolen it to remove the money from the vault and his criminal colleagues from their jail cell.

While I was the only person with the key to the vault, Jesse, as a security guard, was the only person with master keys for the rest of the building.

My office door is never locked, so I don't carry a key for it.

Jesse knew this and locked me into my own office.

Then his three collaborators, Richard, William, and Emma, created a fake robbery of the cash tills to distract from his heist of the vault.

Sheriff Sam was impressed with Carlos' explanation and arrested Jesse McNeil on the spot.

Jesse turned to Carlos and Sam and said, I guess I'm going to jail now.

And Sam said, don't flatter yourself.

Anyway, I finally get to return home.

Thanks to my brother-in-law, Carlos.

Thank you, Susan Willman, for managing the bank in my absence.

Abby, Janice,

I'll be home in a few.

Can't wait to see you both again.

Oh, oh, maybe I'll bake some scones tonight.

Carlos showed me a way to do it without letting the butter get too warm.

Oh, yeah.

I'm so relieved and so glad they put the right person behind bars.

And I have never been so excited to try one of Steve's scones.

That really is neat.

Day tune next for someone playing on a saw.

No.

Just read that.

With a saw.

It's just someone playing around with a saw.

Enjoy.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale.

It's a production of Night Vale Presents.

It was written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Carlos is Dylan Marin.

The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lublin.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Good Luck With That by Fathom All the Animals.

Find out more at fathomalltheanimals.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at NightvaleRadio.

Or smile at the stars and wait for them to smile back.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information about, hey, remember, we have a new novel coming out.

We have a new novel, and you can pre-order it now.

Today's proverb, wisdom ages like fine wine.

Knowledge ages like Boston lettuce.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership, and if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.