145 - The Veterans

Welcome to Night Vale has a lot of really amazing merch, and it's all at welcometonightvale.com.

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Fake it till you make make it.

Mike it till you like it.

Book it till you look it.

Welcome to Nightvale.

More soldiers of the Blood Space War have returned home to Nightvale.

Another craft landed in the cornfield of John Peters, you know, the farmer.

Beings of astonishing structure emerged alongside four human figures in spacesuits.

The astronauts remove their helmets to reveal they are Nightvale residents James Peters, you know, the brother of John Peters, you know, the farmer, twins Drew and Dan Christensen, and Junior Blay.

These veterans of the interstellar conflict were welcomed by the citizens of Nightvale with hugs, a brass band, and delicious unsold baked goods left over from last month's PTA bake sale to support the Blood Space War.

The returning soldiers thanked the gathering, but warned Nightvale of the Polonian armies of star system La Caiah 9352,

who are encroaching at this moment upon her own galaxy.

Admiral Junior Blay of the 63rd Mounted Cavalry said the Polonians are ruthless killers.

They are three times the size of humans, with hundreds of sharp teeth up and down their many boneless limbs.

They have only one eye, which really messes up their depth perception, Blay said, but that eye can also shoot out lasers, so it's sort of a six of one way, half dozen the other.

The crowd did not hear most of what the veterans had to say, as they were mesmerized by the beings of astonishing structure standing atop the landing ramp of their disc-shaped craft.

Oh, those, Sergeant Dan Christensen said.

They're our allies.

They're from the Battle Station Wolfgang.

They have no home planet, as it was destroyed millennia ago by the Polonians.

The crowd pointed and shouted interlopers of astonishing structure at the beings, but Lieutenant Drew Christensen said, they have no oral or written language.

They cannot understand your noises.

Drew then did a kind of b-boy pop-and-lock dance move and the beings of astonishing structure replied with a balletic prance before entering their ship and departing.

They said thanks, but this place is weird, Drew Christensen interpreted for the crowd.

Dan and Drew Christensen were born in Nightvale in 1912.

They became tax accountants.

They had wives and children.

They donated to the old Nightvale Opera House and were avid sports fans.

They even started the first ever semi-pro sand hockey league.

Dan passed away in 1994 of liver cancer and Drew passed away weeks later of a heart attack.

They were survived by their wives, children, and grandchildren.

But upon returning to Knightvale this week, these 107-year-old men looked to be in their late 20s.

The Christensen twins have attempted to reunite with their families, but they were unrecognizable to their grandchildren who are now middle-aged.

And when Dan and Drew tried to apply for jobs, they were declined on account of an antiquated law that makes it illegal to hire the dead.

Junior Blay, a 50-year-old man, said he was born in 2022 to Oliver and Linda Blay of Old Town Knightvale.

The Blay family was contacted about about this and said they had not planned to ever have children, so Junior will likely have been an accident or a dramatic change of heart.

Blay was wounded in his first combat assignment and returned home for treatment.

He suffered third-degree burns across his abdomen and arms and needs a skin graft, but the Nightvale VA has to wait on approval for the Red Mesa VA to clear his procedure, which could take weeks.

Jim Peters was honorably discharged from service and was heavily decorated with chevrons and medals, but his face sagged with exhaustion and history.

His brother John was the first to greet him, but Jim could not match his brother's tearful enthusiasm.

Jim had seen too much, experienced too much, to ever feel normal again.

In light of the physical, financial, and spiritual crush on these men, the City Council announced that it would paint a giant American flag atop City Hall and play John Philip Sousa's famous patriotic march, Bodak Yellow, at all hours of the day over a loudspeaker.

And the whole town cheered proudly, for they were truly taking care of our vets.

Let's have a look at sports.

The Nightvale High School wheelchair basketball team, captained by junior point guard Janice Palmer, won their semifinal game last night against against Cactus Park High School 72-58.

Forward Quinn Boomen led the team with 20 points and also had eight rebounds and 10 assists.

The Scorpions fell behind by 16 points in the first half but really found their inspiration at halftime.

Coach Jacobite McPhee told his team not to get down on themselves because it's impossible to make every single shot.

You just have to have fun.

McPhee then took out an acoustic guitar and sang the following original song.

Physics is a science of made up numbers and rules

So we can only make joy and pass the ball like fools

But when it leaves our hands our free will is through

Cause you never ever know what that ball is gonna do

Physics is a science

of made up numbers and rules So we can only make joy and pass the ball like fools.

Yes, we can only make joy and pass the ball like fools.

The team relinquished their illusion of control and dominated the second half offensively.

The Scorpions face Pine Cliff this Saturday afternoon in the district tournament final, so let's all get out there and support our team.

Really root for the ball to go into the

thing that the ball is supposed to go into.

And this this has been sports.

Senior Strategic Advisor Jameson Archibald at the Intergalactic Military Headquarters, speaking from an inflatable raft atop an infinity pool filled with Remy Martin Black, Pearl Cognac, said he and his top strategists in the Intergalactic Military Headquarters still have no idea what the blood space war is about.

But they're glad to learn that the Polonian armies are approaching.

We've got all this money piling up for the war and we're getting bored with hosting Lamborghini demolition derbies, Archibald said.

The government keeps sending us cash and we're like, okay, y'all, but like, what are we supposed to do with it?

And the feds are like, I don't care, start a war or something.

But unfortunately, the government allotment for an interstellar war was wiped out on a failed investment in a tech startup that was pitched to them as the Uber of Netflix of Facebook by a seven-year-old wearing a suit.

So, the Intergalactic Military Headquarters was forced to ask for contributions.

Hence, the PTA bake sales.

Additionally, the Sheriff's Secret Police were able to provide several armored combat vehicles, two tons of enriched uranium, and a satellite-activated missile launching system, all of which had been donated to the secret police by the U.S.

Army.

Sheriff Sam said they had wanted to keep all that high-tech battle gear, but using a nuclear submarine to stop Nightville citizens who were fishing without a license created what Sheriff Sam referred to as less than satisfactory optics.

Archibald said he was appreciative of the Secret Police's charity, but he'd just received word that the Polonian ships are already within the outer limits of our solar system.

So, not sure there's much left to do, really.

He then took out a roll of $100 bills from his shirt pocket and ate it, like a Snickers bar.

An update on the high school basketball tournament.

The city council announced that there will be a parade for the team win or lose next Tuesday evening.

The parade will feature giant floats in the shapes of famous basketball players, such as Oscar Robertson, Larry Bird, and Lil Bow Wow.

There will also be a celebrity appearance by Lee Marvin, who will be celebrating his 30th birthday on Tuesday.

Oh, happy birthday, Mr.

Marvin.

The City Council expressed civic pride in this talented team of young athletes and enjoined all of Nightvale to come out in celebration of sportsmanship, regardless of the outcome of the championship game.

Of course, the single-bodied entity of the city council said with uncharacteristic mirth, we think our team will win.

The city council's many faces then winked in unison.

Also, the city council added, if you look up in the sky, you'll see that a large chunk of the moon just exploded and the earth is surrounded by enemy spacecraft.

But there's not much we can do about that.

So let's just cheer on our basketball team.

The city council then held up their many fists and squealed, Yay team!

As pieces of the moon began to thunder down around us.

Let's go now to today's weather.

So today is gonna be a no good day.

I'm out at food, I know tonight.

Got a lot of paperwork to square away

Since I got hit by a truck of tire

You wanted to know when I'd had enough

Feeling more lost than profound

It was so many things, now it's just stuff

Words and music faded sounds

Try to be a good friend

Try to be a better partner

Try to forward all the articles that matter

No

good day

No

good

day

no

good

day

goes

unparalleled.

Think I'd laugh if I could only breathe,

brush my teeth, avoid the

earth.

I'll probably

never leave.

Maybe the other places will become near.

Try to be a good friend.

Try to be a better partner

and research every single ballot measure.

No

good day,

no

good

day,

no

good

day

goes uncommon.

Everyone is annoying except you.

You're the clear light

of an open

sky

They're a headache

of fumbling

I

feel them

all want

something

I'd be all of it for them on a better day

So I guess today is gonna be no good.

I'm not coming, don't be mad.

I mean, I guess I sort of maybe could

either way just feel

so bad.

Try to be a good sinner.

Try to help my chosen friend

and do something halfway decent with my wasted privilege.

No

good day,

no

good day,

no

good

day

goes unplished,

goose

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The woods are watching.

Summer is turning to fall, which, frankly, rude of summer to do.

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I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask.

And every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

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I've just received an email from Harrison Kip, archaeology professor at Nightfale Community College.

Kip told me that while on a dig in 1993,

He and his team of researchers found remnants of several spacecraft buried deep in central Nevada.

Kip was studying fossilized remains to determine eating habits of early North American inhabitants, but what he found were several triangular titanium vessels, each roughly the size and shape of a Burger King.

He tried to check his notes from that excursion, but those pages had been torn out of his journal.

Despite this, he's positive the ships he can see above our Earth are identical to the ones he found crashed in the desert 25 years ago.

Inside those ships were creatures the size of hippos, with long, dangling limbs covered in sharp teeth.

Kip remembers calling the college to ask for more funding for this research, but before he could do anything, a black van drove up to the dig site, and several men wearing business suits that were patterned in desert camouflage got out.

They arrested Kip and his assistants and had them reprogrammed.

Kip said the reprogramming was successful until today, when he heard my news reports about the Polonians, and his memories suddenly returned to him, and now he believes he knows exactly what has happened in the Blood Space War and how we will end it.

He's going to type up his notes while they're still fresh in his mind and get them over to me, ASAP.

Oh, this is so very exciting.

Science saves the day once again.

Aha.

Here's a follow-up email from Harrison.

It says,

Hey, Cecil, disregard whatever I said earlier.

I don't even remember what it was.

Some guys I didn't know showed up and put a metal helmet on me.

There were a bunch of wires and knobs and lights coming out of it.

And I felt so peaceful and comfortable, like when you're eating Belgium waffles with ice cream while binge-watching Terrace House.

Anyway, I don't remember what I sent you earlier, and since all my emails have been deleted, so whatever it was, it couldn't have been that important.

Sincerely, Harrison.

No!

No!

This is terrible.

Okay, I'm going to forward Harrison's first email back to him to see if it rejogs his memory.

We've got to learn exactly what.

Hello?

Hello there.

Listeners, there are some men entering my studio.

They're wearing business suits made from a desert camouflage patterned fabric.

Oh, Gucci.

I love it.

They're putting this crazy hat on me and it has a bunch of lights and wires.

Hang on, Nightville.

Listen to this interview I recorded earlier today with John john peters you know the farmer these boys are here trying to get me ready for fashion week i i think

jim came home this week and i was real happy happier than a pig starring in his own tv show about pig detectives solving pig murders

my brother taught me to play football when we was boys He'd throw the ball and say, Johnny, move your hands together like salad tongs when the ball gets near you.

That's called catch.

I tried so hard to catch that ball, but I never could.

We have fun.

Jim taught me so much and he took care of me, running off the bullies at school, buying me soda pops and candy canes from this man who lived in the trunk of a broken down 56 Chevy in the alley hind the post office.

I'm almost 60 years old and my brother left for the war back when I was 15.

And to see him again, boy, to see his face after so long.

He ain't changed one bit.

He literally is the same age as when he left, 22 years old.

But he's not the same Jim.

He don't want to throw the football or go looking for discount sodas and candy and weird alleys.

No, Jim looks sad.

His body's strong, but his mind seems so weak.

I saw him crying the other day and I told him what our pop always said to us, Jim, boys don't cry.

Not without talking through their feelings with someone else.

So I put my arm around young Jim.

I must have looked like a granddad, me so old, him so young, but our memories of each other were the same age.

Jim cried into my shirt and said, Johnny, I've been in that war for darn near a hundred years.

That's a lot of space travel, not a lot of fighting, but when there is fighting, it's gruesome.

Jim said he didn't want to see no more war, but he said that in his last battle, he risked his life to disarm a bomb that would have killed 10 of his fellow soldiers, and one of them was the general.

The general has a plan for a ceasefire, Jim said.

The general has a plan for peace.

But I think the general needs me, Johnny.

I said, Jimbo,

I need you.

But I knew that I'd been without him for 40 years, while this general was with him for nearly 100.

I knew I was lying to Jim and myself.

Jim hugged my neck and kissed my cheek.

He donned his spacesuit and walked out into the cornfield and disappeared.

I think my brother is going to save us all.

Anyway, it's a sad story, but it's also happy.

Like a goat playing a piano, stories carry lots of different emotions all at once.

All right, listeners, I'm back.

I don't remember what I was talking about, nor where I got this really cool hat.

But City Council announced that the spaceships that were surrounding our planet are gone.

But they were deeply unnerved by the fact that the ships did not retreat.

They simply disappeared.

The city council then added that the moon is still broken, but honestly, they see this as a Christotunity to buy a new one.

Oh, don't forget to come to the basketball championship parade on Tuesday.

Stay tuned next for simultaneous panic and relief as you realize all of your emails are gone.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

This episode was written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of John Peters, you know, the farmer, was Mark Gagliarti.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was No Good Day by Windows to Sky.

Find out more at windowstosky.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio.

Or go to a farmer's market and order off the secret menu.

Check out WelcometonNightvale.com for more information on our upcoming live tours and our special one-off live show at the Largo in Los Angeles.

Today's proverb, develop your chi.

Really work that chi hard.

Get six-pack chi.

Totally swole with chi.

Roll up those sleeves and welcome people to the chi show.

Hi, I'm Joseph Fink, and I only listen to The Mountain Goats is the show where I talk with John Darneil of the band The Mountain Goats about what it means to be a fan, to be an artist, and, as most of us are, to be both at once.

We're back for a second year, but this time we're trying something different and a little risky.

About a week and a half ago, you sent an email being like, hey, I have an idea that's gonna make our lives more difficult, but I think will be really interesting.

The thing is that it makes everybody else's life more difficult except mine.

This year, we will be discussing the brand new Mountain Goats album, In League with Dragons, an album that was still in the process of being made when these conversations were recorded.

Neither one of us really knows.

We'll be talking about the songs themselves and about the performances that you've heard, but the final product could sound pretty different.

We are dealing with literally an album that isn't even done yet.

This will be the first time I'm talking about any of it to anybody for the most part.

We will talk through the new album track by track.

Each episode will include the original home demo of the song so that we can follow the work all the way through the final version released to the public.

Recorded over several months during the production of the album, this season gives you an unprecedented conversation about the creative process while it is still happening.

I hear people talk about and I see them live blog it saying, well, I'm writing an album, right?

And it's like, I don't do that when I'm starting.

I have to be in this amorphous place of just writing because I write all the time.

With many of my lyrics, I'm in the same situation as a reader.

I just write what I write.

I don't usually say, Let me write about this.

I write a bunch of songs that go here, go there, who knows what they feel like.

And then sometimes you notice that a couple of them are holding hands, or you feel like one of them represents growth, or you feel like one of them really expresses something true.

You got a little brave, you went somewhere a little less safe.

I only listen to the mountain goats.

The new season arrives on April 4th, wherever you get your podcasts.

Bundle and safe with Expedia.

You were made to follow your favorite band and from the front row, we were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, flight inclusive packages are at all protected.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Night Vale, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator, Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9 wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.