Adventures in New America: Episode One, The End

Speaker 1 Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025. And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour? We are.

Speaker 1 We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

Speaker 2 That's in July.

Speaker 1 You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting. We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

Speaker 1 And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

Speaker 1 And then we'll be doing the west coast plus the southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026. You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Speaker 2 Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

Speaker 1 It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

Speaker 1 These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

Speaker 1 So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Speaker 1 Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live. Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Speaker 1 Get your tickets to our live U.S. plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

Speaker 2 And hey, see you soon.

Speaker 3 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible, financial geniuses, monetary magicians.

Speaker 3 These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save.

Speaker 3 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary, not available in all states or situations.

Speaker 4 Hey, Joseph Fink here. I am so excited to introduce you to the the newest fiction podcast from Nightfall Presents.
It is called Adventures in New America.

Speaker 4 Adventures in New America is the first sci-fi political satire Afro-futuristic buddy comedy, and it's a radical reflection of our dangerous, beautiful, and heart-pounding world.

Speaker 4 The New York Times called it one of the best new social thrillers in any medium. What we are presenting here is the first episode in its entirety.

Speaker 4 If you like this episode and want to hear more, you can search for the show in any podcast app or go to adventuresinnewamerica.com.

Speaker 4 Just a warning, there's a good amount of adult language in this show, so pause it here if you're not listening in a place where swearing is cool.

Speaker 4 And now, finally, a show that's as smart and angry as you are, I give you Adventures in New America.

Speaker 6 Hello, and welcome to Adventures in New America, where each week we bring you new tales from the tragic American After.

Speaker 9 This week, the first episode of Tetchy Terrorist Vampire Zombies will be coming to you in stereo right after these words from our sponsors.

Speaker 12 Hey there, Jim. Whatcha doing?

Speaker 5 Oh, hey, Tom.

Speaker 13 I'm just throwing away these pennies.

Speaker 14 Throwing away money?

Speaker 8 I mean, what's the point?

Speaker 13 Citizens are throwing away money every day when they don't separate their pre-1982 pennies from the rest of their change.

Speaker 15 It's that bad?

Speaker 16 Sure.

Speaker 13 With inflation the way it is, a 1982 penny is worth three times its face value, but people just keep using them at the stores. Maybe I should be like them and throw away my money.

Speaker 18 Stop!

Speaker 19 There's a better alternative. Send your change to Clico Metal Retrieval.

Speaker 13 Cleco Metal Retrieval?

Speaker 15 Cleco Metal Retrieval.

Speaker 20 It just makes good sense.

Speaker 22 For more information, call us at KL56120 or write to Clico, care of PO Box247, Old New York, New York, 10038.

Speaker 9 If you grew weary of this life and were to leave your dwelling, you would eventually find

Speaker 9 bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Speaker 6 And past all that traffic, past the buildings and the houses and the farms, you would find a rocky shore, abutting an expanse of of water so immense that even disappearing into the horizon would take the better part of your day.

Speaker 25 Beyond the shore and the great water, there is a new land whose early settlers christened New America in memory of a fabled land of plenty.

Speaker 11 This land is as large as the Great Water is deep and as varied as the acidic snowflakes that pelt its mountain ranges, there are people

Speaker 25 living in deserts and in swamps, in backwater retreats, and in cities built on faults that mark where massive tectonic plates meet.

Speaker 11 Wind roams across the heartlands, shaping the landscapes along with its people.

Speaker 14 It is an accident

Speaker 26 and a mystery.

Speaker 17 It's no good.

Speaker 24 I'm moist you got too many layers

Speaker 23 Over the coming 12 episodes our program will focus on the denizens of a cluster of islands on New America's eastern coast Where large amounts of this nation's wealth and poverty are concentrated These islands are turtles made of stone and on their weary backs rest the hopes and nightmares of a population ravaged by fear

Speaker 13 I know I got too many layers. I take it off, and what do I do with it, huh?

Speaker 29 Shut up. Can't we just repaste these posters?

Speaker 6 Fear has gone hand in hand with New America ever since its final invaders first took a stroll through its virgin forests.

Speaker 27 But today,

Speaker 27 the people are scared of a new peril.

Speaker 6 Monsters in human form that stalk the night looking for their next meal.

Speaker 26 A myth for some and a menace for others.

Speaker 31 By day, the city is yours.

Speaker 9 At night, these streets are owned by the terrorist, tetchy vampire zombies from outer space.

Speaker 9 young.

Speaker 9 See ya, fellas.

Speaker 9 All right,

Speaker 9 see y'all later.

Speaker 9 Oh, I got the new American loop, baby.

Speaker 9 Ooh, cold one tonight.

Speaker 18 Maybe you could take off your jacket.

Speaker 13 I'm taking off my jacket.

Speaker 31 I'm taking off my jacket. Quiet.

Speaker 5 You hear that?

Speaker 29 That's just the sound of wheat pacing.

Speaker 8 No, listen.

Speaker 32 A fire in the night.

Speaker 5 That's for me.

Speaker 5 I'm not just past.

Speaker 12 I have the fungus in my toenails and I can't cut them.

Speaker 12 All right,

Speaker 12 I can see

Speaker 5 it. Well, evening.

Speaker 14 No, don't stop.

Speaker 7 Let that cute little soul of yours rise.

Speaker 5 Excuse me, ma'am, sir.

Speaker 11 How is it that you people have such big black souls, twice as filling as any white soul?

Speaker 13 Yet look at you, society's trash.

Speaker 5 Trash?

Speaker 13 I can already taste the indigestion.

Speaker 17 When we eat you, we'll do the world a favor.

Speaker 5 Eat me?

Speaker 18 No, no, no. Wait a minute.

Speaker 5 You sound touchy.

Speaker 7 You heard of us then.

Speaker 13 Did you hear good things?

Speaker 29 They always get it wrong.

Speaker 18 Yeah, my mama warned me about you. My papa did, too.
See, you'll never bathe in the light.

Speaker 18 You'll never be free. Sugar-free swank Moses, I can't let you monsters prey upon good people.
I gotta warn them. Tell them you're real.

Speaker 18 You black, get the head away from me.

Speaker 5 Ow!

Speaker 5 Eat the extremities of her so she can live longer

Speaker 6 so she could watch.

Speaker 5 Hey, give me back my side of thigh bone. Look how you get jerky running.

Speaker 26 She screams her last.

Speaker 31 Softly,

Speaker 26 a new American dies.

Speaker 11 By day, the horrors of the dark are replaced, swept away by the more ordinary nightmares of our day-to-day lives.

Speaker 23 On a different island, the next morning, Ian Alcide Olivier stands astride a busy sidewalk, dressed in his ill-fitting beige guayabera shirt, cargo shorts combo.

Speaker 25 Like a party barge that's run out of beer.

Speaker 6 Tall, but out of shape, overweight, defeated, old beyond his years,

Speaker 26 he steals a dragon fruit from a sidewalk produce vendor and tries for the fifth time this week to get arrested.

Speaker 12 Real ate that dragon fruit three dollars.

Speaker 28 I don't think so I'm a thief and I'm stealing this dragon fruit and you should call the police.

Speaker 9 What are you talking about?

Speaker 28 I'm stealing from you. Look, I'm walking away.

Speaker 28 Call the police.

Speaker 31 You pay? You put it back?

Speaker 28 I told you I won't pay. I'm a criminal.
I'm a black man.

Speaker 24 Oh, I see.

Speaker 24 Are you hungry?

Speaker 25 Look, just take some fruit, huh?

Speaker 28 No, no, see, I'm not hungry. I'm a thief.

Speaker 36 I'm gonna smash all this fruit with my feet.

Speaker 11 I'm gonna steal your apples. I'm gonna steal your durians.
If you don't call the police,

Speaker 5 hey, what?

Speaker 5 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 31 I'm just hugging you, baby.

Speaker 5 Go over here.

Speaker 5 I don't wanna hug. I'm hugging.

Speaker 5 That's right. One, two, three.
Good, boy.

Speaker 26 That's right.

Speaker 5 That's right.

Speaker 37 Hey, what's up? It's your boy, IA Olivier.

Speaker 37 And I'm embarrassed to say that was me not too long ago couldn't get arrested to save my life literally I can say it now I was lost lost until the day I met Simon Carr

Speaker 37 I could see some of you already know Simon and if you didn't clap when I said her name don't worry about it as we all know clapping is not mandatory that's right oh yeah

Speaker 37 now I want to tell you how I came to Simon

Speaker 37 Back then, I would have said my life was a mess without even realizing that I wasn't truly alive. Crazy, right?

Speaker 37 I was still trying to get arrested, and I thought,

Speaker 37 I thought this one would work. I wore a sandwich board that said marijuana and narcotics for sale here, with the numeral for as opposed to the word.

Speaker 37 Carried a bullhorn, went down to the corner of Nassau and Liberty Street, and well, let me just show you.

Speaker 24 Lights

Speaker 32 Attention Society. I am selling illegal marijuana for a fairly decent price and an assortment of other narcotics available for your immediate illicit consumption.

Speaker 32 Ask me how to take advantage of this splendid offer,

Speaker 17 sir. Could you take off the sign?

Speaker 32 Hello, officer.

Speaker 36 Yes, I will.

Speaker 26 Yes.

Speaker 13 Could you empty your pockets?

Speaker 6 Yes, yes.

Speaker 16 Keys and a phone?

Speaker 5 You don't have any narcotics, do you, sir?

Speaker 13 Nope.

Speaker 31 I am prepared to be arrested.

Speaker 5 Take me away.

Speaker 13 Arrested?

Speaker 31 Hey, my bullhorn.

Speaker 13 So you can tell them this dumb shit is some kind of art about Wall Street or whatever? Waste my time again, and they won't find you.

Speaker 26 I'm sorry.

Speaker 34 You understand me, Professor?

Speaker 9 They won't find you.

Speaker 24 I understand.

Speaker 11 Excellent. Have a nice day.

Speaker 5 What am I gonna do?

Speaker 24 I don't get arrested soon. I'm gonna

Speaker 5 die.

Speaker 18 Woo, woo, woo, woo!

Speaker 5 Watch out!

Speaker 6 Damn, they ran right into each other.

Speaker 20 Stay right there, buddy.

Speaker 18 I'm not resisting.

Speaker 39 That's him that stole the console.

Speaker 33 That little shit stole it from my store.

Speaker 20 There are two little shits here, sir. Can you be more specific? The fat one did nothing.

Speaker 21 It was the black girl.

Speaker 18 Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 11 No, I stole it. I stole this um PlayStation.

Speaker 28 Arrest me.

Speaker 20 You tell me how to do my job?

Speaker 11 No, I just...

Speaker 41 See, I was the lookout, and my friend and I...

Speaker 18 I do not know this person.

Speaker 33 He's lying.

Speaker 21 The black girl stole it.

Speaker 20 This fat fuck was just standing there.

Speaker 5 Fat?

Speaker 42 You think he's fat?

Speaker 28 I am a little husky.

Speaker 33 Husky?

Speaker 36 I would say husky.

Speaker 21 This mattress isn't gonna care who folk fatty is.

Speaker 5 Arrest him.

Speaker 36 Hey, you already got one down with that fat fuck remark.

Speaker 20 Keep telling me what to do, and I'm gonna arrest you.

Speaker 16 Got that?

Speaker 33 Always the same.

Speaker 21 Give them a pat on the back and a participation trophy.

Speaker 39 Fucking millennials.

Speaker 5 Millennial?

Speaker 20 I'm Italian, you racist fuck.

Speaker 20 What I need to give to you to do your job, man.

Speaker 33 Money?

Speaker 20 That's it.

Speaker 42 We're going back to your store to have a discussion about manners.

Speaker 13 He's under arrest, but I...

Speaker 18 Officer, sir, can my friend and I go? Do you need need a lot clouds?

Speaker 5 No, Ross. I got a lot of

Speaker 5 people.

Speaker 5 But me.

Speaker 18 Come on, Fran. Let's be otherwise.

Speaker 10 Otherwise? Leave me alone.

Speaker 18 The sun isn't good for your skin.

Speaker 33 Oh, hey, kid.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 20 You're not fat.

Speaker 40 All right?

Speaker 20 You're fine just the way you are.

Speaker 37 Hey, let go.

Speaker 5 Hey, use your home.

Speaker 18 Bye.

Speaker 14 We will be back with more adventures in New America on the Night Vale Presents Network after these words from our sponsors.

Speaker 20 Well, hello there, Billy. What you doing?

Speaker 43 I'm counting out my coins, Dad. I want to take Susie to the vidplex this Friday.

Speaker 42 How much do you think you have?

Speaker 15 Oh, about $20.

Speaker 28 Are you sure?

Speaker 42 Did you check the dates on those coins?

Speaker 19 Dates? Why no, Pop?

Speaker 43 What do you mean?

Speaker 42 Look at this scent piece. It's from before 1982.
That's when they changed changed the metal composition of coins.

Speaker 44 And?

Speaker 20 And, why, the metal in this scent piece is worth three times the face value.

Speaker 43 Gee, how do I cash it in? Should I melt it?

Speaker 39 Oh, no, son.

Speaker 42 It's a federal offense to melt coins that are still usable as currency.

Speaker 43 Looks like I'm back to $20.

Speaker 16 Not at all!

Speaker 42 Send your coins to Clico Metal Retrieval and they'll pay you dollars on the pound for your old currency.

Speaker 43 Cleco Metal Retrieval?

Speaker 20 Cleco Metal Retrieval. It just makes good sense.

Speaker 22 For more information, call us at KL56120 or write to Clico, care of PO Box247, Old New York, New York, 10038.

Speaker 28 Hello?

Speaker 41 Are you hungry for something good? Come to the Ambrosia Diner in Red Hook.

Speaker 14 Want a burger?

Speaker 41 We have burgers. Grilled cheese, chicken salad, bagels, we have it all.
And while you're here, why not buy some raffle tickets? They're only a dollar each, and the prizes are out of this world.

Speaker 19 200 Coffee Street in Brooklyn by the East River.

Speaker 16 Can't make it to the diner?

Speaker 41 Buy your tickets online at our website, ambrosia diner.net.

Speaker 41 We can't send you a slice of Miss Trixie's birthday cake online, but you can't have it all.

Speaker 6 Can you?

Speaker 41 At the Ambrosia Diner.

Speaker 6 The following is a paid political advertisement from the Church of the Children of the Apocalypse.

Speaker 34 Terrorist tetchy vampire zombies.

Speaker 17 People have witnessed them feeding.

Speaker 34 There's evidence at crime scenes. The vampire zombies are real, and the police refuse to do anything about it.
How long must our children suffer, locked inside our houses, losing their moms and dads?

Speaker 34 When will our spineless mare take action?

Speaker 34 These fiends don't just rob and kill, they destroy the very soul of our city. They drain its life blood.
They eat its brains.

Speaker 40 They carve and kill and despoil and destroy. And what's worse,

Speaker 34 they do it with a complete lack of sartorial style. If you care about the future, join us, the Children of the Apocalypse.
Services daily at 106 7th Avenue. And remember.

Speaker 14 Hello, and welcome to Act 2 of tonight's episode of Adventures in New America.

Speaker 7 I.A.

Speaker 14 and Simon Carr have just met and escaped the law together for the first time. I.A.
wants to go home, but Simon Carr has convinced him to tarry in a Poke Bowl restaurant.

Speaker 18 Okay, I don't know how you did it, but all I know is I am not under arrest, so cheers! You saved my life back there!

Speaker 36 That's not my fault.

Speaker 36 I was was trying to get arrested.

Speaker 45 How's that?

Speaker 36 I've tried everything. I've stolen, I've rode a motorized bike on the subway, and when I do get caught, nothing comes of it.

Speaker 18 That's why lunch is on me. I'm hanging with you for the rest of my life.
You my good luck charm, the only black man in America who can't get arrested.

Speaker 18 My name is Simon, Simon Carr, your friendly neighborhood, sociable sociopath. Shake on it, Whitey.

Speaker 5 Whitey?

Speaker 5 What are you talking about?

Speaker 40 I'm not white, I'm black.

Speaker 9 I mean, I'm half white on my father's side and Creole.

Speaker 18 But in this world, you are whatever color the cops think you are, but cops see you as nothing. Hell, seems everybody sees you as nothing.

Speaker 31 Excuse me?

Speaker 18 It's not about race, though. It's your face.
You're so unremarkable and nondescript. Your presence so anodyne.
Your spirit so...

Speaker 17 Uh, drab?

Speaker 18 Yes, drab. Good word.
Now,

Speaker 18 I can peep your insides. I know you can tame multitudes, but surface, let's face it, if you were a shower, we can nay-nay all day and you and never get wet.

Speaker 28 Whatever.

Speaker 36 Look, I'm not into meeting new people right now, all right?

Speaker 5 Simmer down.

Speaker 18 Here comes the waiter.

Speaker 12 Hello, what can I get you?

Speaker 31 You you have burgers?

Speaker 10 We have pokeballs.

Speaker 28 What's a poke bowl?

Speaker 12 Uh, it's kind of like sushi, but with kale and hot dogs and shit.

Speaker 18 Yikes. We'll have two Pokeballs.

Speaker 15 What kind?

Speaker 18 Whatever the main one is. The Mario.

Speaker 15 Great.

Speaker 5 The Mario?

Speaker 18 The Italian stereotype from video games. Big mustache.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 18 The Mario is the first option, the most regular. It's not Wario way out there with pineapple and spam.
It's Mario. It's straight up, most normal.

Speaker 5 I hate sushi.

Speaker 18 Okay, let's try something else.

Speaker 18 How about what's your name?

Speaker 5 Uh, I-A.

Speaker 5 I-A?

Speaker 18 Like initials? What's that stand for?

Speaker 11 Just call me I-A.

Speaker 18 I'm gonna call you Elsie.

Speaker 18 What's wrong with you?

Speaker 36 Nothing.

Speaker 24 So,

Speaker 36 do you steal things often?

Speaker 18 All the time. That's my job.
I'm a sneak thief. It's a gas.

Speaker 36 Well, it's not for me.

Speaker 18 But you keep stealing anyway.

Speaker 9 And etc.

Speaker 18 To get arrested. Why?

Speaker 18 I gotta go to the room where people go to throw up. While I'm gone, why don't you sit there and think of what superhero origin story you're gonna tell me? And then we'll eat our Marios.

Speaker 18 Don't leave!

Speaker 42 I just don't feel like going.

Speaker 35 I never feel like going anywhere.

Speaker 14 What is it?

Speaker 43 Are you afraid to spend time with me in public?

Speaker 5 We're in public now. You know what I mean? This is my only day off.

Speaker 42 I just want to relax and maybe play video games.

Speaker 43 There you go. You'd rather spend time with that PlayStation than with me.

Speaker 14 It's an Xbox.

Speaker 42 You see why I get uncomfortable? You don't know anything about me. I'm just some placeholder husband you can project a life onto.

Speaker 5 Hello?

Speaker 10 Sorry. Sorry.

Speaker 36 I was eavesdropping on that couple over there.

Speaker 18 Wow. You're always in the audience.

Speaker 33 What are you talking about?

Speaker 18 You got any friends? You single? Never married? When you meet someone new, do you start making your breakup playlist?

Speaker 30 Please stop.

Speaker 18 Cheer up.

Speaker 18 No escape for me? Tell me what this is all about.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 16 I got fired.

Speaker 19 Mr. Chambers, did you move my desk?

Speaker 22 Come in.

Speaker 22 As you know, all employees must now belong to our new Focus First healthcare plan.

Speaker 36 I opted in for that plan.

Speaker 5 Quite right.

Speaker 22 They called, and you have been deemed ineligible for healthcare coverage due to a pre-existing condition.

Speaker 19 What pre-existing condition? I am totally fit, a little pudgy.

Speaker 22 It's not really my place to discuss your health deficits with you. What your doctor tells me is privilege information.
It's his job to tell you about your cancer.

Speaker 22 It's mine to say, since we cannot provide you with healthcare insurance, we also can no longer employ you.

Speaker 36 You're fired. I'm losing my job?

Speaker 31 I don't understand.

Speaker 41 Did you say cancer?

Speaker 22 You really should talk to the doctor. Thanks for all your work here.
You enjoy the time you have left.

Speaker 36 But, doctor, I feel fine. Tired, maybe, but uh.

Speaker 15 Yeah, that's the cancer eating you slow. Uh, fortunately, it is a relatively easy tumor to remove if we act fast.
It's not so much a challenging tumor as

Speaker 15 expensive. Your insurance will take care of it.

Speaker 19 I had insurance through my job, which I lost because your screening revealed my tumor.

Speaker 16 Oh, that's no problem.

Speaker 15 We take cash. Should be about $300,000.

Speaker 5 Dollars?

Speaker 31 I thought this was a free clinic.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 15 We should operate soon, though. You have about six months.

Speaker 13 I have

Speaker 28 $85.

Speaker 15 Oh, no, I don't handle the money. I'm the doctor.

Speaker 24 That would be weird.

Speaker 31 What happens if I don't have $300,000?

Speaker 16 I'd have a stiff drink and figure out how to get it.

Speaker 31 Excuse me? Is this a bar?

Speaker 9 No, it's the subway platform for the 2-3. All aboard.

Speaker 36 Scotch and water, neat, no ice.

Speaker 9 Neat means no ice.

Speaker 24 I really don't want ice.

Speaker 25 I'm coming.

Speaker 25 I'm coming.

Speaker 42 You see this motherfucker on his way to Club Med?

Speaker 30 And when I die, what?

Speaker 42 Where are my kids going?

Speaker 40 Can't think like that, Charlie.

Speaker 18 Johnson was convicted in May of defrauding investors to the tune of $3.7 billion.

Speaker 12 This prick

Speaker 12 is going to get full cable,

Speaker 30 fleet gym access, and better health care for free than what I pay for.

Speaker 10 Come on now, Charlie.

Speaker 5 Hell ain't that sweet.

Speaker 30 You know that Polish kid?

Speaker 20 Carl's his name.

Speaker 30 He got two years for beating up his girlfriend's old man. So he's eating one day in the mess, and all of a sudden he starts wigging out, shaking, can't control his body, collapses on the floor.

Speaker 30 Turns out he's got a brain tumor.

Speaker 35 He looks okay.

Speaker 5 He is okay.

Speaker 30 Son of a bitches took it out.

Speaker 30 Free surgery paid for in full by Johnny Taxpayer. Fucker didn't even have any debt.
Spends more money at the OTB than I do on rent.

Speaker 11 Brain tumor cured.

Speaker 25 Just like that.

Speaker 5 For free.

Speaker 11 1050 sugar.

Speaker 18 Caffeine may reduce a man's chances of procuring healthy sperm.

Speaker 11 for a baby. Brain tumor cured.

Speaker 25 Just like that.

Speaker 5 For free. 1050 sugar.

Speaker 26 Tumor cured.

Speaker 26 For free.

Speaker 1 For free.

Speaker 36 So now I'm trying to get arrested.

Speaker 18 For free health care?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Who's poking it's not bad?

Speaker 18 That is quite possibly the worst idea I've ever heard ever. How are you gonna get a big enough jail sentence for long-term care pretending you stole a PlayStation?

Speaker 18 Besides, you would be in prison where you'd be a punching bag for some incarcerated monster, fucking your ass, and please. Sucking your titties.

Speaker 10 Please.

Speaker 36 Look, I am in dire straits. Jail is the only place in New America with mandatory health care.

Speaker 18 Not all the time, damn it. You gotta advocate for your rights inside.
You expect a major jail sentence as a pretend petty thief? Wanna get real arrested? Why not get a gun and fake rob a bank?

Speaker 36 Because I'm against violence. I couldn't, I wouldn't want to injure someone or cause terror.

Speaker 5 Maybe I can burn a flag.

Speaker 18 You better not.

Speaker 5 Why?

Speaker 36 It's just some piece of fabric.

Speaker 18 Piece of fabric?

Speaker 18 How many forefathers and foremas died laboring for that piece of fabric? You're a terrorist.

Speaker 18 No, worse, a pacifist.

Speaker 5 I

Speaker 18 Do you hate New America?

Speaker 36 No, I do not.

Speaker 18 Say I love New America. New America.
New America. Quiet.
Love it or loathe it. You can never lose it or leave it.
Embrace what makes America great.

Speaker 11 Why not sit down? You're embarrassing me.

Speaker 18 You should be embarrassed. Exploit your freedom, homie.
You sitting on your ass is like watching Superman not fly. A gift gone wasted.
How do you do that, bro? Is it a half-white thing?

Speaker 19 I wasn't good at getting arrested. Maybe there's things some people just can't do.

Speaker 30 That's true.

Speaker 18 I knew a dude totally incapable of getting laid. You can stick a splint on his dick, put it right in, and the girl would evaporate as such.
So as long as it didn't happen.

Speaker 5 I can get laid.

Speaker 18 But you can't get arrested. Like a biological immunity.

Speaker 18 Look at it from the other side. Why stay in your lane? Use your gift.

Speaker 36 Not being able to get arrested is not the the same thing as being good at crime.

Speaker 18 Cards on the table. You save mine.

Speaker 18 I save yours.

Speaker 18 I will raise your 300 grand. All you have to do is follow my lead.

Speaker 6 Fuck you. You can't do that.

Speaker 16 No.

Speaker 18 But together we can.

Speaker 18 You the invisible black man to the cops. That's the most important position on the team right now.
And me, anything I put my mind to, I can achieve. I just never had a reason to go big before.

Speaker 18 You're my reason, I.

Speaker 36 Once again, fuck you.

Speaker 18 That's no way to say goodbye.

Speaker 36 I have serious problems. I don't need this.

Speaker 18 I'm not joking. I've got a good feeling about us.

Speaker 9 Us?

Speaker 36 Look, I appreciate the offer, but I got a plan. I'll stick to it.

Speaker 18 Your plan is dumb.

Speaker 44 But it's mine.

Speaker 18 You come around. Let me see your keys.

Speaker 28 My keys? Why?

Speaker 5 Whoa, what the?

Speaker 18 You won't listen to me? Listen to my big noise.

Speaker 46 This is a stick-up!

Speaker 5 Alert.

Speaker 27 What is it? Wait, you know her?

Speaker 16 That's Serena.

Speaker 23 Friends,

Speaker 23 we've we've reached the end of this week's Adventures in New America.

Speaker 7 Will IA find a cure for his cancer?

Speaker 11 Will Simon succeed in exploiting IA?

Speaker 26 And who is

Speaker 26 Serena?

Speaker 14 Adventures in New America was created and written by Tristan Cohen and Stephen Winter.

Speaker 14 This week's episode starred Paige Gilbert, Purnell Walker, and the New America players, featuring Mike Albo, Becca Blackwell, Alex Borinsky, David Commander, Denise Dixon, Oren Farmer, Julian Fleischer, Kurt Harding, Aaron Markey, Mari Mariarty, Chris Sarley, David Schweitzer, Will Shaw, Tony Torn, and Brian Webster.

Speaker 14 Special guest was Asa Lovechild as the blues singer.

Speaker 14 The theme song was composed by Wayne Barker with additional music provided by Adam Lee, Caged Animals, the Illustrious Blacks, Marin Sander Holtzman, and the Bedstead Blues Band.

Speaker 14 In the back of the house, our sound designer and audio engineer was Vincent Caccione and our editor was Grant Stewart.

Speaker 14 Marketing provided by Adam Cecil, associate producers Ashlyn Hatch and Lindsey Cronmiller.

Speaker 14 When in New America, all guests are treated to a complimentary stay in the low-down, uptown, well-built Hotel Biltwell, now taking reservations by phone.

Speaker 14 Thanks go to the inimitable, nay, unimitable Julian Coster, Christy Gressman, executive producer. We'll be back after this word from our sponsors.

Speaker 18 You are listening to the Night Vale Presents Network.

Speaker 18 Serena get in the way? And what about the lady she works for? Why is IA staring at her like that? Do I really need this? Next week, y'all.

Speaker 20 Adventures in New America is a People's Exploitation Army Limited production.

Speaker 4 If you enjoyed the episode you just heard, get more by subscribing in your podcast app or going to adventuresinnewamerica.com.

Speaker 4 Thanks for listening.

Speaker 46 I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

Speaker 38 And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director. You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

Speaker 46 We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Speaker 38 Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

Speaker 46 He's too old. Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 46 Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

Speaker 46 We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

Speaker 46 We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

Speaker 46 So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Speaker 38 Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcast.

Speaker 46 And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Speaker 47 Hi, we're Meg Bashmaner. And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 45 And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

Speaker 47 To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

Speaker 45 The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost. The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

Speaker 47 And also, the really good episodes, too.

Speaker 45 What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

Speaker 47 The best worst available wherever you get your podcasts.