Adventures in New America: Episode One, The End

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the west coast plus the southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Progressive Insurance.

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Hey, Joseph Fink here.

I am so excited to introduce you to the the newest fiction podcast from Nightfall Presents.

It is called Adventures in New America.

Adventures in New America is the first sci-fi political satire Afro-futuristic buddy comedy, and it's a radical reflection of our dangerous, beautiful, and heart-pounding world.

The New York Times called it one of the best new social thrillers in any medium.

What we are presenting here is the first episode in its entirety.

If you like this episode and want to hear more, you can search for the show in any podcast app or go to adventuresinnewamerica.com.

Just a warning, there's a good amount of adult language in this show, so pause it here if you're not listening in a place where swearing is cool.

And now, finally, a show that's as smart and angry as you are, I give you Adventures in New America.

Hello, and welcome to Adventures in New America, where each week we bring you new tales from the tragic American After.

This week, the first episode of Tetchy Terrorist Vampire Zombies will be coming to you in stereo right after these words from our sponsors.

Hey there, Jim.

Whatcha doing?

Oh, hey, Tom.

I'm just throwing away these pennies.

Throwing away money?

I mean, what's the point?

Citizens are throwing away money every day when they don't separate their pre-1982 pennies from the rest of their change.

It's that bad?

Sure.

With inflation the way it is, a 1982 penny is worth three times its face value, but people just keep using them at the stores.

Maybe I should be like them and throw away my money.

Stop!

There's a better alternative.

Send your change to Clico Metal Retrieval.

Cleco Metal Retrieval?

Cleco Metal Retrieval.

It just makes good sense.

For more information, call us at KL56120 or write to Clico, care of PO Box247, Old New York, New York, 10038.

If you grew weary of this life and were to leave your dwelling, you would eventually find

bumper-to-bumper traffic.

And past all that traffic, past the buildings and the houses and the farms, you would find a rocky shore, abutting an expanse of of water so immense that even disappearing into the horizon would take the better part of your day.

Beyond the shore and the great water, there is a new land whose early settlers christened New America in memory of a fabled land of plenty.

This land is as large as the Great Water is deep and as varied as the acidic snowflakes that pelt its mountain ranges, there are people

living in deserts and in swamps, in backwater retreats, and in cities built on faults that mark where massive tectonic plates meet.

Wind roams across the heartlands, shaping the landscapes along with its people.

It is an accident

and a mystery.

It's no good.

I'm moist you got too many layers

Over the coming 12 episodes our program will focus on the denizens of a cluster of islands on New America's eastern coast Where large amounts of this nation's wealth and poverty are concentrated These islands are turtles made of stone and on their weary backs rest the hopes and nightmares of a population ravaged by fear

I know I got too many layers.

I take it off, and what do I do with it, huh?

Shut up.

Can't we just repaste these posters?

Fear has gone hand in hand with New America ever since its final invaders first took a stroll through its virgin forests.

But today,

the people are scared of a new peril.

Monsters in human form that stalk the night looking for their next meal.

A myth for some and a menace for others.

By day, the city is yours.

At night, these streets are owned by the terrorist, tetchy vampire zombies from outer space.

young.

See ya, fellas.

All right,

see y'all later.

Oh, I got the new American loop, baby.

Ooh, cold one tonight.

Maybe you could take off your jacket.

I'm taking off my jacket.

I'm taking off my jacket.

Quiet.

You hear that?

That's just the sound of wheat pacing.

No, listen.

A fire in the night.

That's for me.

I'm not just past.

I have the fungus in my toenails and I can't cut them.

All right,

I can see

it.

Well, evening.

No, don't stop.

Let that cute little soul of yours rise.

Excuse me, ma'am, sir.

How is it that you people have such big black souls, twice as filling as any white soul?

Yet look at you, society's trash.

Trash?

I can already taste the indigestion.

When we eat you, we'll do the world a favor.

Eat me?

No, no, no.

Wait a minute.

You sound touchy.

You heard of us then.

Did you hear good things?

They always get it wrong.

Yeah, my mama warned me about you.

My papa did, too.

See, you'll never bathe in the light.

You'll never be free.

Sugar-free swank Moses, I can't let you monsters prey upon good people.

I gotta warn them.

Tell them you're real.

You black, get the head away from me.

Ow!

Eat the extremities of her so she can live longer

so she could watch.

Hey, give me back my side of thigh bone.

Look how you get jerky running.

She screams her last.

Softly,

a new American dies.

By day, the horrors of the dark are replaced, swept away by the more ordinary nightmares of our day-to-day lives.

On a different island, the next morning, Ian Alcide Olivier stands astride a busy sidewalk, dressed in his ill-fitting beige guayabera shirt, cargo shorts combo.

Like a party barge that's run out of beer.

Tall, but out of shape, overweight, defeated, old beyond his years,

he steals a dragon fruit from a sidewalk produce vendor and tries for the fifth time this week to get arrested.

Real ate that dragon fruit three dollars.

I don't think so I'm a thief and I'm stealing this dragon fruit and you should call the police.

What are you talking about?

I'm stealing from you.

Look, I'm walking away.

Call the police.

You pay?

You put it back?

I told you I won't pay.

I'm a criminal.

I'm a black man.

Oh, I see.

Are you hungry?

Look, just take some fruit, huh?

No, no, see, I'm not hungry.

I'm a thief.

I'm gonna smash all this fruit with my feet.

I'm gonna steal your apples.

I'm gonna steal your durians.

If you don't call the police,

hey, what?

Oh, that's right.

I'm just hugging you, baby.

Go over here.

I don't wanna hug.

I'm hugging.

That's right.

One, two, three.

Good, boy.

That's right.

That's right.

Hey, what's up?

It's your boy, IA Olivier.

And I'm embarrassed to say that was me not too long ago couldn't get arrested to save my life literally I can say it now I was lost lost until the day I met Simon Carr

I could see some of you already know Simon and if you didn't clap when I said her name don't worry about it as we all know clapping is not mandatory that's right oh yeah

now I want to tell you how I came to Simon

Back then, I would have said my life was a mess without even realizing that I wasn't truly alive.

Crazy, right?

I was still trying to get arrested, and I thought,

I thought this one would work.

I wore a sandwich board that said marijuana and narcotics for sale here, with the numeral for as opposed to the word.

Carried a bullhorn, went down to the corner of Nassau and Liberty Street, and well, let me just show you.

Lights

Attention Society.

I am selling illegal marijuana for a fairly decent price and an assortment of other narcotics available for your immediate illicit consumption.

Ask me how to take advantage of this splendid offer,

sir.

Could you take off the sign?

Hello, officer.

Yes, I will.

Yes.

Could you empty your pockets?

Yes, yes.

Keys and a phone?

You don't have any narcotics, do you, sir?

Nope.

I am prepared to be arrested.

Take me away.

Arrested?

Hey, my bullhorn.

So you can tell them this dumb shit is some kind of art about Wall Street or whatever?

Waste my time again, and they won't find you.

I'm sorry.

You understand me, Professor?

They won't find you.

I understand.

Excellent.

Have a nice day.

What am I gonna do?

I don't get arrested soon.

I'm gonna

die.

Woo, woo, woo, woo!

Watch out!

Damn, they ran right into each other.

Stay right there, buddy.

I'm not resisting.

That's him that stole the console.

That little shit stole it from my store.

There are two little shits here, sir.

Can you be more specific?

The fat one did nothing.

It was the black girl.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

No, I stole it.

I stole this um PlayStation.

Arrest me.

You tell me how to do my job?

No, I just...

See, I was the lookout, and my friend and I...

I do not know this person.

He's lying.

The black girl stole it.

This fat fuck was just standing there.

Fat?

You think he's fat?

I am a little husky.

Husky?

I would say husky.

This mattress isn't gonna care who folk fatty is.

Arrest him.

Hey, you already got one down with that fat fuck remark.

Keep telling me what to do, and I'm gonna arrest you.

Got that?

Always the same.

Give them a pat on the back and a participation trophy.

Fucking millennials.

Millennial?

I'm Italian, you racist fuck.

What I need to give to you to do your job, man.

Money?

That's it.

We're going back to your store to have a discussion about manners.

He's under arrest, but I...

Officer, sir, can my friend and I go?

Do you need need a lot clouds?

No, Ross.

I got a lot of

people.

But me.

Come on, Fran.

Let's be otherwise.

Otherwise?

Leave me alone.

The sun isn't good for your skin.

Oh, hey, kid.

Yeah.

You're not fat.

All right?

You're fine just the way you are.

Hey, let go.

Hey, use your home.

Bye.

We will be back with more adventures in New America on the Night Vale Presents Network after these words from our sponsors.

Well, hello there, Billy.

What you doing?

I'm counting out my coins, Dad.

I want to take Susie to the vidplex this Friday.

How much do you think you have?

Oh, about $20.

Are you sure?

Did you check the dates on those coins?

Dates?

Why no, Pop?

What do you mean?

Look at this scent piece.

It's from before 1982.

That's when they changed changed the metal composition of coins.

And?

And, why, the metal in this scent piece is worth three times the face value.

Gee, how do I cash it in?

Should I melt it?

Oh, no, son.

It's a federal offense to melt coins that are still usable as currency.

Looks like I'm back to $20.

Not at all!

Send your coins to Clico Metal Retrieval and they'll pay you dollars on the pound for your old currency.

Cleco Metal Retrieval?

Cleco Metal Retrieval.

It just makes good sense.

For more information, call us at KL56120 or write to Clico, care of PO Box247, Old New York, New York, 10038.

Hello?

Are you hungry for something good?

Come to the Ambrosia Diner in Red Hook.

Want a burger?

We have burgers.

Grilled cheese, chicken salad, bagels, we have it all.

And while you're here, why not buy some raffle tickets?

They're only a dollar each, and the prizes are out of this world.

200 Coffee Street in Brooklyn by the East River.

Can't make it to the diner?

Buy your tickets online at our website, ambrosia diner.net.

We can't send you a slice of Miss Trixie's birthday cake online, but you can't have it all.

Can you?

At the Ambrosia Diner.

The following is a paid political advertisement from the Church of the Children of the Apocalypse.

Terrorist tetchy vampire zombies.

People have witnessed them feeding.

There's evidence at crime scenes.

The vampire zombies are real, and the police refuse to do anything about it.

How long must our children suffer, locked inside our houses, losing their moms and dads?

When will our spineless mare take action?

These fiends don't just rob and kill, they destroy the very soul of our city.

They drain its life blood.

They eat its brains.

They carve and kill and despoil and destroy.

And what's worse,

they do it with a complete lack of sartorial style.

If you care about the future, join us, the Children of the Apocalypse.

Services daily at 106 7th Avenue.

And remember.

Hello, and welcome to Act 2 of tonight's episode of Adventures in New America.

I.A.

and Simon Carr have just met and escaped the law together for the first time.

I.A.

wants to go home, but Simon Carr has convinced him to tarry in a Poke Bowl restaurant.

Okay, I don't know how you did it, but all I know is I am not under arrest, so cheers!

You saved my life back there!

That's not my fault.

I was was trying to get arrested.

How's that?

I've tried everything.

I've stolen, I've rode a motorized bike on the subway, and when I do get caught, nothing comes of it.

That's why lunch is on me.

I'm hanging with you for the rest of my life.

You my good luck charm, the only black man in America who can't get arrested.

My name is Simon, Simon Carr, your friendly neighborhood, sociable sociopath.

Shake on it, Whitey.

Whitey?

What are you talking about?

I'm not white, I'm black.

I mean, I'm half white on my father's side and Creole.

But in this world, you are whatever color the cops think you are, but cops see you as nothing.

Hell, seems everybody sees you as nothing.

Excuse me?

It's not about race, though.

It's your face.

You're so unremarkable and nondescript.

Your presence so anodyne.

Your spirit so...

Uh, drab?

Yes, drab.

Good word.

Now,

I can peep your insides.

I know you can tame multitudes, but surface, let's face it, if you were a shower, we can nay-nay all day and you and never get wet.

Whatever.

Look, I'm not into meeting new people right now, all right?

Simmer down.

Here comes the waiter.

Hello, what can I get you?

You you have burgers?

We have pokeballs.

What's a poke bowl?

Uh, it's kind of like sushi, but with kale and hot dogs and shit.

Yikes.

We'll have two Pokeballs.

What kind?

Whatever the main one is.

The Mario.

Great.

The Mario?

The Italian stereotype from video games.

Big mustache.

Yeah.

The Mario is the first option, the most regular.

It's not Wario way out there with pineapple and spam.

It's Mario.

It's straight up, most normal.

I hate sushi.

Okay, let's try something else.

How about what's your name?

Uh, I-A.

I-A?

Like initials?

What's that stand for?

Just call me I-A.

I'm gonna call you Elsie.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

So,

do you steal things often?

All the time.

That's my job.

I'm a sneak thief.

It's a gas.

Well, it's not for me.

But you keep stealing anyway.

And etc.

To get arrested.

Why?

I gotta go to the room where people go to throw up.

While I'm gone, why don't you sit there and think of what superhero origin story you're gonna tell me?

And then we'll eat our Marios.

Don't leave!

I just don't feel like going.

I never feel like going anywhere.

What is it?

Are you afraid to spend time with me in public?

We're in public now.

You know what I mean?

This is my only day off.

I just want to relax and maybe play video games.

There you go.

You'd rather spend time with that PlayStation than with me.

It's an Xbox.

You see why I get uncomfortable?

You don't know anything about me.

I'm just some placeholder husband you can project a life onto.

Hello?

Sorry.

Sorry.

I was eavesdropping on that couple over there.

Wow.

You're always in the audience.

What are you talking about?

You got any friends?

You single?

Never married?

When you meet someone new, do you start making your breakup playlist?

Please stop.

Cheer up.

No escape for me?

Tell me what this is all about.

Okay.

I got fired.

Mr.

Chambers, did you move my desk?

Come in.

As you know, all employees must now belong to our new Focus First healthcare plan.

I opted in for that plan.

Quite right.

They called, and you have been deemed ineligible for healthcare coverage due to a pre-existing condition.

What pre-existing condition?

I am totally fit, a little pudgy.

It's not really my place to discuss your health deficits with you.

What your doctor tells me is privilege information.

It's his job to tell you about your cancer.

It's mine to say, since we cannot provide you with healthcare insurance, we also can no longer employ you.

You're fired.

I'm losing my job?

I don't understand.

Did you say cancer?

You really should talk to the doctor.

Thanks for all your work here.

You enjoy the time you have left.

But, doctor, I feel fine.

Tired, maybe, but uh.

Yeah, that's the cancer eating you slow.

Uh, fortunately, it is a relatively easy tumor to remove if we act fast.

It's not so much a challenging tumor as

expensive.

Your insurance will take care of it.

I had insurance through my job, which I lost because your screening revealed my tumor.

Oh, that's no problem.

We take cash.

Should be about $300,000.

Dollars?

I thought this was a free clinic.

Okay.

We should operate soon, though.

You have about six months.

I have

$85.

Oh, no, I don't handle the money.

I'm the doctor.

That would be weird.

What happens if I don't have $300,000?

I'd have a stiff drink and figure out how to get it.

Excuse me?

Is this a bar?

No, it's the subway platform for the 2-3.

All aboard.

Scotch and water, neat, no ice.

Neat means no ice.

I really don't want ice.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

You see this motherfucker on his way to Club Med?

And when I die, what?

Where are my kids going?

Can't think like that, Charlie.

Johnson was convicted in May of defrauding investors to the tune of $3.7 billion.

This prick

is going to get full cable,

fleet gym access, and better health care for free than what I pay for.

Come on now, Charlie.

Hell ain't that sweet.

You know that Polish kid?

Carl's his name.

He got two years for beating up his girlfriend's old man.

So he's eating one day in the mess, and all of a sudden he starts wigging out, shaking, can't control his body, collapses on the floor.

Turns out he's got a brain tumor.

He looks okay.

He is okay.

Son of a bitches took it out.

Free surgery paid for in full by Johnny Taxpayer.

Fucker didn't even have any debt.

Spends more money at the OTB than I do on rent.

Brain tumor cured.

Just like that.

For free.

1050 sugar.

Caffeine may reduce a man's chances of procuring healthy sperm.

for a baby.

Brain tumor cured.

Just like that.

For free.

1050 sugar.

Tumor cured.

For free.

For free.

So now I'm trying to get arrested.

For free health care?

Yeah.

Who's poking it's not bad?

That is quite possibly the worst idea I've ever heard ever.

How are you gonna get a big enough jail sentence for long-term care pretending you stole a PlayStation?

Besides, you would be in prison where you'd be a punching bag for some incarcerated monster, fucking your ass, and please.

Sucking your titties.

Please.

Look, I am in dire straits.

Jail is the only place in New America with mandatory health care.

Not all the time, damn it.

You gotta advocate for your rights inside.

You expect a major jail sentence as a pretend petty thief?

Wanna get real arrested?

Why not get a gun and fake rob a bank?

Because I'm against violence.

I couldn't, I wouldn't want to injure someone or cause terror.

Maybe I can burn a flag.

You better not.

Why?

It's just some piece of fabric.

Piece of fabric?

How many forefathers and foremas died laboring for that piece of fabric?

You're a terrorist.

No, worse, a pacifist.

I

Do you hate New America?

No, I do not.

Say I love New America.

New America.

New America.

Quiet.

Love it or loathe it.

You can never lose it or leave it.

Embrace what makes America great.

Why not sit down?

You're embarrassing me.

You should be embarrassed.

Exploit your freedom, homie.

You sitting on your ass is like watching Superman not fly.

A gift gone wasted.

How do you do that, bro?

Is it a half-white thing?

I wasn't good at getting arrested.

Maybe there's things some people just can't do.

That's true.

I knew a dude totally incapable of getting laid.

You can stick a splint on his dick, put it right in, and the girl would evaporate as such.

So as long as it didn't happen.

I can get laid.

But you can't get arrested.

Like a biological immunity.

Look at it from the other side.

Why stay in your lane?

Use your gift.

Not being able to get arrested is not the the same thing as being good at crime.

Cards on the table.

You save mine.

I save yours.

I will raise your 300 grand.

All you have to do is follow my lead.

Fuck you.

You can't do that.

No.

But together we can.

You the invisible black man to the cops.

That's the most important position on the team right now.

And me, anything I put my mind to, I can achieve.

I just never had a reason to go big before.

You're my reason, I.

Once again, fuck you.

That's no way to say goodbye.

I have serious problems.

I don't need this.

I'm not joking.

I've got a good feeling about us.

Us?

Look, I appreciate the offer, but I got a plan.

I'll stick to it.

Your plan is dumb.

But it's mine.

You come around.

Let me see your keys.

My keys?

Why?

Whoa, what the?

You won't listen to me?

Listen to my big noise.

This is a stick-up!

Alert.

What is it?

Wait, you know her?

That's Serena.

Friends,

we've we've reached the end of this week's Adventures in New America.

Will IA find a cure for his cancer?

Will Simon succeed in exploiting IA?

And who is

Serena?

Adventures in New America was created and written by Tristan Cohen and Stephen Winter.

This week's episode starred Paige Gilbert, Purnell Walker, and the New America players, featuring Mike Albo, Becca Blackwell, Alex Borinsky, David Commander, Denise Dixon, Oren Farmer, Julian Fleischer, Kurt Harding, Aaron Markey, Mari Mariarty, Chris Sarley, David Schweitzer, Will Shaw, Tony Torn, and Brian Webster.

Special guest was Asa Lovechild as the blues singer.

The theme song was composed by Wayne Barker with additional music provided by Adam Lee, Caged Animals, the Illustrious Blacks, Marin Sander Holtzman, and the Bedstead Blues Band.

In the back of the house, our sound designer and audio engineer was Vincent Caccione and our editor was Grant Stewart.

Marketing provided by Adam Cecil, associate producers Ashlyn Hatch and Lindsey Cronmiller.

When in New America, all guests are treated to a complimentary stay in the low-down, uptown, well-built Hotel Biltwell, now taking reservations by phone.

Thanks go to the inimitable, nay, unimitable Julian Coster, Christy Gressman, executive producer.

We'll be back after this word from our sponsors.

You are listening to the Night Vale Presents Network.

Serena get in the way?

And what about the lady she works for?

Why is IA staring at her like that?

Do I really need this?

Next week, y'all.

Adventures in New America is a People's Exploitation Army Limited production.

If you enjoyed the episode you just heard, get more by subscribing in your podcast app or going to adventuresinnewamerica.com.

Thanks for listening.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashmaner.

And Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best worst available wherever you get your podcasts.