134 - Fall Football Preview

Welcome to Night Vale has a lot of really amazing merch, and it's all at welcometonightvale.com.

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There is no I in team.

This has been a partial list of letters not found in the word team.

Welcome to Nightvale.

The Night Vale High School Scorpions kick off the varsity football season this Friday against last year's district champion, Red Mesa.

Following the announcement this summer that Scorpions head coach, Nazarel Mujahid, would be taking a sabbatical to deal with personal matters, Nightvale promoted defensive coordinator Latrice Beaumont to head coach.

She has 10 years coaching experience and was a former linebacker for the Scorpions during their heyday as four-time state champs in the late 1990s.

This is a historic hire for the high school football program, as Latrice Beaumont is the first Gemini to become head coach.

Beaumont called a press conference this morning to talk about her team and her coaching staff's expectations for this season.

After only one win last year, Beaumont explained, we wanted to change our approach entirely.

Instead of a plodding, run-focused offensive, we want our starting quarterback, sophomore Junius Duncan, to really throw that ball around.

Just chuck that leather wad any direction he wants.

Beaumont's team motto for 2018 is, we will win all the time, right now.

Junius Duncan has a small frame at only 5'4 and 120 pounds, but he has eight legs and can leap up to 20 times his own height.

He has struggled with his accuracy in training training camp as he has zero arms.

And the spiny tips of his front legs cause the ball to stick and sometimes deflate.

Senior running back Prince Reynolds, who led the district in rushing last year, returns in full health.

Coach Beaumont said Reynolds has been working on his upper body strength in the offseason by installing hydraulic joints on each shoulder.

We'll have more on the upcoming Scorpion football season in a moment.

But first, a look at traffic.

Lisa Farmer does not like her job.

She does not hate it either.

To Lisa, a job is a paid dare, to sit in a chair for 10 hours every weekday for 40 years, for a little over a million dollars paid out in bi-weekly installments.

She commutes 35 minutes each way to her office.

During this time, she thinks about the divorce papers her attorney gave her, but that she's never filled out.

She thinks about her husband's lack of motivation.

She thinks about having children, not whether to have them, but the actual process of birth.

She sometimes offers up an involuntary laugh, a reflex response to the forced laughter of the FM Drive Time talk show.

She forgets all of this when she arrives at home or work.

Time pours from her like water from a broken pipe.

All this time lost to unmemorable travel.

She measures her life in traffic jams, a mathematical equation that proves nothing.

Commutes are the limbo of the weekday.

Everything is stasis.

Expect delays.

This has been traffic.

In her opening press conference, Nightvale Scorpion's head coach Latrice Beaumont said there were some rule changes this season which would affect her team's approach.

First, helmet-to-helmet hits.

Normally assigned a personal foul penalty, will now be subject to game ejections and possible suspensions.

Officials are also cracking down on end zone celebrations.

Many fans felt the elaborate displays of joy exhibited by players last season were not in the spirit of good sportsmanship.

The most egregious example was when Cactus Parks Jamil Whiteside scored the game-winning touchdown against Pine Cliff.

He and the rest of his teammates then performed in the end zone the entirety of the Tony-winning musical sensation Wicked.

District head of officiating, Jake Kemp, announced, I'm tired of selfish kids making a team sport.

all about them.

In my day when we scored, we would calmly hand the ball to the ref and jog back to the sideline head down.

Maybe.

He continued.

Maybe a more religious kid might offer a quick prayer to the brownstone spire, an unobtrusive gesture of kneeling, cutting your finger open, drawing a nine-pointed star with your blood, as your teammates danced about shirtless and chanting something in ancient Akkadian or Greek, but nothing ostentatious like what kids these days do.

Did you see that one kid who did a backflip?

A backflip!

This is football, not cirque du soleil, son!

Kemp shouted.

He added that millennials are killing everything good in the world.

One reporter reported that current high schoolers are not even part of the millennial generation.

Another reporter pointed out that Kemp is 33 years old, which makes him a millennial.

Kemp paused and said, you want to be like that?

Fine.

Kemp then began to grunt and strain.

His face darkened to a deep violet as long white hair gushed from the top of his head and out of his chin.

His posture weakened, his back now hunched, wrinkles formed around his eyes and lips, and his skin loosened.

He then said hoarsely, I'm 93

now.

So you know where you can put that millennial comment of yours?

The reporter assumed Kemp meant the sports section of the newspaper, so that's where the reporter put it.

In the middle of Beaumont's press conference, assistant coach Christopher Tisdale whispered into her ear, and she frowned.

When asked to elaborate, She said she just received word that another new rule is that all players must have two or or fewer legs, which prohibits her starting quarterback, Junius Duncan, from taking the field.

Upset by this sudden change, Beaumont cited the golden retriever who was allowed to play basketball for Cactus Park back in 1997.

They named the dog Airbud, because the dog was the former CEO of an airline.

Admittedly, the dog was terrible at basketball.

He ran in circles and barked at the coach for treats, while opposing teams took huge advantage of the five-on-four mismatch.

But, according to Beaumont, a precedent was set for multi-legged players.

Ah, this is terrible news.

Poor Junius must be devastated.

Beaumont's press conference is still going on.

We'll get back to it soon.

But for now.

When the first bolt of lightning struck the sea, and the first apex of rock crested the tumultuous oceans, the elders among the stars brought brought life onto the earth.

These children of stardust became humans, became authorities of their tiny planet.

They created science and art, and they worshipped their galactic forebears.

But their hubris grew in them like a cancer, and they abandoned the benevolence of their creators.

The vigilant determination of life leads only to death.

An ironic ourobaros to be laughed at by the elders of the cosmos.

Diet Pepsi.

Humans are a knock-knock joke of the gods.

Let's take a look now at Nightvale High School's district rivals this season.

Starting with last year's champs, the Red Mesa Ant Carpenters.

Red Mesa returns their starting quarterback, Senior Salman Talib, who leads a dynamic passing passing offense anchored by junior wide receiver Trung Pham.

Pham's quick feet, 6'5 ⁇ frame, and nearly 20-inch antlers allow him to break free from smaller defenders.

The Pinecliff Lizard Monitors return with the league's top offense.

Everyone in Pinecliff is a ghost, making them quite elusive.

But the flip side of that is that their defense is terrible.

In terms of total tackles made last season, they they finished dead last.

Pun not intended.

But pun certainly embraced because it's not bad.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

I'm getting word from my producer Ian that it is in fact a bad pun in bad taste.

Ian's grandmother was part of the Great Cataclysm of 2008, which turned all of Pine Cliff into ghosts.

He says it's no laughing matter to those living in Pine Cliff.

to those residing in Pinecliff.

So, I'll go back to the part where I said pun, not intended.

One team to watch out for this year is the Cactus Park Shark Nurses, who have a strong defense but who have struggled with turnovers.

The Shark Nurses' senior running back, Patrick Lyle, had 20 fumbles last year, but said he focused on his ball-carrying technique in the offseason.

Coaches worked with Lyle to carry the ball high and tight against his shoulder pads instead of in his cargo shorts pockets.

Desert Bluffs, which has not had a team, nor a high school for the past three seasons, has reincorporated in some desert otherworld and will be returning to district play this year.

League officials are concerned about the capriciousness of gateways between our reality and theirs, which could lead to visiting teams becoming lost in either a time loop or disappearing altogether.

Theoretical physicist Cedric Dummond from Desert Bluffs Junior College said, If you only focus on the bad, you'll never see the good.

Not much is known about this vultures team, other than they're probably terrible.

Finally, there's another new district rival this season, the Whispering Forest High School Wood Dogs.

Whispering Forest High opened in 2016 after the forest incorporated as an independent township.

No humans live in the Whispering Forest, only trees.

Really polite trees, always with a quiet compliment.

But if you accept one of their compliments, you too become a tree in their forest.

Fun fact, Whispering Forest is the fastest growing town here in the desert.

Urban planning experts think that the positivity emanating from the Whispering Forest has been a real draw for people seeking new homes.

They're unable to determine why a need for positivity suddenly became a factor in late 2016, but there it is.

The Wood Dogs are sure to be the largest and toughest opponent in Knightvale's district, but also the slowest, as they are literally trees.

Their real strength won't be in their ability to score or sack the quarterback, but to recruit entire opposing teams to their side before the game ends.

That's a look at Know High's rivals this year.

Coming up, we'll check in with Coach Beaumont and her team's strategy for 2018.

But first, a public service announcement.

Friends of the Knale Public Library announced the annual used book sale is this Saturday afternoon from 10 to 5.

Librarians will hang books from invisible twine attached to blade-based traps inside a complex cornfield labyrinth.

According to the press release, which appears to be written by a detached human finger dipped in its own blood, these are

great books by great authors like George Saunders, Mohsen Hamid, and Celeste Ng.

Books you really should read.

Books you'll want to reach out and grab without noticing that the earth below you is lightly covered in branches, hiding a spike-filled pit.

So come down to the library for the used book sale.

No need to shower beforehand.

Your natural scent makes you easier to track.

This has been a public service announcement.

Coach Beaumont has finally completed her pre-season press conference.

and she finished it off with quite a statement.

When asked what the overall strategy for this year would be, Beaumont said, surprise!

But she said it just like that, with her eyes wide and arms raised, and there was a long silence as the reporters waited for what was to happen next.

The energy faded as Beaumont slowly lowered her hands.

A lone cough came from the back of the room.

Beaumont then continued, Oh, our strategy is surprise.

We don't want our opponents to have any time to prepare for us, so we scheduled every single game simultaneously.

All five division rivals will play us at once, she said.

We kick off in like five minutes.

I should go.

As the leader of this team, I can't be late for the national anthem, the Pledge of Allegiance, the Eldritch chant of national unity, the secret police helicopter flyover, and the pregame Bloodstone Bacchanal dance.

Now, the reporters frantically shouted the rest of their questions.

Are you going to protest your quarterback's disqualification?

How will you compete against five teams at once?

How many balls will be used?

Where do we go when we die?

And what is football?

Are you a football?

But Beaumont had already left.

I'm getting word that the game has kicked off at the Knightvale High School.

Now, I'm not a sports fan, but even I'm intrigued.

I gotta see this.

Let me take you now to the weather.

Under ages running in, another rush of vapors.

Duck invaders, doesn't favours, meet the ones that made us.

Another cable, on the cuss for something greater.

Race to get the ladder up, raise in hell, retica.

Under ages running in another rush of vapors, duck invaders doesn't face us, we the ones that made us another cape around the cusp for something greater.

Race to get the ladder up, raise in hell, retica.

Dear gorgeous place where we come from, ridin' with the bass blown, ridin' with the brains blown.

Break laws to make songs, break jaws to pick phones, exit the pesos, paychecks to pay longs.

Empire, Enron, crown laid on Nimrod, no flights to hit Mars.

You see one to get gone, solo for so long.

Bygones been bygones, triboars with light guns to replace the icons with Tyrons.

Under ages running in under the rush of vapors, Tucking Raiders doesn't phase us, we the ones that made us.

Another cake around the cusp for something greater, race to get the ladder up.

Raising hell, let it go.

Under ages running in under the rush of vapors, tucked in raiders doesn't phase us, we the ones that made us.

Another cake or I'm gonna cuss for something greater.

greater Ways to get the ladder up How could you expect any less from a kid that has been tested to the breaking point?

No less than any architect could ever get stressed Nevertheless, I'm pressing spreading joy Wrestling put that emphasis on being replicant So chaos not destroyed Never saw a fake that I couldn't recognize

Never met a word that I wouldn't weaponize Your signs are on my side at night That night I wrote a note about me Holy Mountain Jodovowski raised the letter Now you know about me You can see it from the corner of the magnet box From the corner where the handler drops, corner where the gavel drops.

I'm on the border of the Ragnarok.

Broadcast live beyond Babylon.

Enjoy the ambiance.

Under ages running in under the rush of vapors.

Ducking raiders, as invaders, we the ones that made us.

Another kicker, I'm the cuss for something greater.

Race to get the letter up Raising hell radica Run to ages running in another rush of vapors Tough invaders doesn't face us, we the ones that made us Another kicker on the cusp for something greater Race to get the letter up, raise in hell radicum

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

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The Scorpions got off to a rough start.

Two of their defensive linemen accepted compliments from the Whispering Forest players.

Oh, that was such a nice tackle.

You must be very proud of your training and dedication to this sport,

the trees whispered.

We're impressed by your talents and charm.

Suddenly, the two Knightvale players were trees.

The opposing teams rallied together, handing the ball off to the Pinecliff running back Alfonso Menendez, who simply could not be tackled.

By the end of the first quarter, the Scorpions were down 20 to

It would have been 2-1, but Desert Bluffs kicker, Leonard Clayton, missed an extra point, probably because he's so poorly coached.

In the second quarter, Nightvale's Prince Reynolds scored a quick touchdown to make it 20-7.

They followed that with a field goal after a fumble by Cactus Park's Patrick Lyle, who was carrying the ball with his teeth.

instead of holding it tight to his chest, leaving Nightvale down 20-10.

Coach Beaumont told her team at halftime that they were doing great, but they needed to focus more on the fundamentals of the game.

Keep your eyes on the runner's hips, she shouted, not their feet.

Wrap your tackles tight.

She encouraged her offensive players to pick up their correct blocking assignments.

Tim, she yelled, referring to offensive guard Timothy Lano, Stop trying to block the trees.

They can't run, and the ghosts.

They can't tackle.

Worry about tangible humans, Tim.

The team seemed dejected without their starting quarterback, Junius Duncan.

Beaumont began a powerful and inspiring pep talk.

She brought in a 10-piece brass band to perform Gustav Holst's second suite in F underneath her speech.

You can beat anyone.

If you believe in yourselves, she began.

It would totally help if we had Duncan in the game, though.

Then she said, surprise, and opened up a Ralph's bag with three pairs of gloves.

Duncan, put these on, like you have six arms, she said.

Can you walk on your back two legs?

Duncan nodded yes, but no one noticed because there was no joint allowing free movement of his head atop his thorax.

So he had to hiss and leap up and down to demonstrate his bipedal abilities.

The team let out a relieved cheer of, win all the time, right now,

and ran onto the field, rejuvenated by their flouting of government-issued regulations.

Duncan struggled early with his passes, as he had no fingers to fill his gloves, but he did score six touchdowns by simply leaping 20 yards at a time down the field and tying up defenders in webs.

He was penalized 15 yards, though, though, for attempting to use his venom to paralyze the bodies of his prey.

In the end, Night Vale won, 52-45, earning the district title before the season even started.

Ah, what an exciting game.

Carlos and the rest of the family joined me, and we ate nachos and drank sodas and shouted cheers like, Go, team, go, and oh, blood, and ooh, blood.

Carlos even bought me one of those pointing foam fingers that says, someone talked, identify the traitor.

The whole game was visceral and communal.

You know, maybe I'm a sports fan after all.

I hope this victory too brings some joy to former coach Nasr al-Mujahid.

I'm sure it didn't heal him, but hopefully it offered him temporary relief from pain.

Stay tuned next for Gentle Takes, our political roundtable where the hosts listen to each other talk about their days while they knit and say, thanks for sharing that with me.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Raising Helvetica by Sims and AirCredits and Ice Tep.

Get it at sims.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio or live forever using this one weird trick.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show and our new fall slate of shows on Nightvale Presents, including the eerie Cleveland of Dream Boy and the Afro-futurist crime thriller Adventures in New America.

Today's proverb: Dress for the job you want, sports team mascot.

Not the job you have, customer service manager.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.