Bonus - Excerpt from All Hail

Howdy, Jeffrey Kraner here.

You probably know that Welcome to Night Vale does live tours.

We've done seven of those tours, in fact.

If you never got to see these tours, or even if you did and you want to relive them, we have live recordings available to you right now over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

You can find those seven different live show performances, including our most recent show, The Attic.

We've also got some one-off events like our Thrilling Adventure Hour crossover show, our first-ever live show, Condos, as well as The Debate.

These albums are only $5 and they're so much fun.

So while we're between tours, tide yourself over with our live albums.

That's nightvale.bandcamp.com.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry.

Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day day returns.

That's quince.com/slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash nightfail.

Hey, our latest touring live show, all hail, a story about the glow cloud and about group chanting, is now available on iTunes and Bandcamp.

This is a full hour or so of Nightfale that has never been heard on the podcast and won't be performed live anymore.

Here is a brief sample of what there is in store.

And in the meantime, let's take a quick look at the community calendar.

Let's see here.

This Sunday afternoon is the semi-annual craft fair held at the Night Vale Elementary Gym.

So come on down and purchase some handmade arts and crafts like scarves, Afghans, shrouds, death masks.

There will be symposiums available to beginners and experts alike.

Some of those demonstrations include darning those darn socks,

knitting your entire attire,

needle point at knife point, whatever it takes to meet a deadline,

and crochet the crime that dare not speak its name.

This Monday evening, the Night Vale Community Theater is holding auditions for their summer musical, 42nd Street.

Actors must prepare one monologue and one song, memorized.

Navy SEAL training or mixed martial arts experience is preferred.

Auditions will be held on a private island in the Indian Ocean, and auditiones will be given a compass, a crossbow, and a 35-minute head start.

Break a leg.

Tuesday burned down last night.

Yeah,

it was a beautiful and historic day of the week.

One of the oldest.

Developers say that they have no plans to rebuild Tuesday.

However, they are putting an Applebee's in its place.

This Wednesday, there will be a dense fog.

and you will hear screams and you will feel things in the fog.

You will feel slimy things and sinewy things.

And you will hear screams.

And occasionally you will feel like you are falling because you probably will be.

And you will not be able to wake up because you are not asleep.

And then the fog will pass.

And you will not remember what happened.

Not because you cannot,

but because you dare not.

This community event is sponsored by Sprite.

Sprite, obey obey your

fast!

Registered trademark.

Thursday is the start of the annual Night Vale Jazz Fest, sponsored by the Last Bank of Night Vale.

For more on that, we have in the studio the bank's VP of Community Outreach.

Wait, this can't be right.

Steve Carlsberg.

No, no, no, no.

No.

Do the news.

Do the news.

No, you got...

No.

We're at work.

We'll get you later.

Hey, Cecil.

Hi.

That's right.

Your brother-in-law is a vice president of a bank.

Okay.

Steve, how did you, how did you get a job at a bank?

You can't even remember your own house number?

Well, I've always been good with finance stuff, Cecil.

I even minored in counting in college.

You mean accounting?

No, counting.

I was great at it.

I aced my oral exam by listing every number up to 10,285,503.

Wow, that is a really high number.

Yeah, my advisor said no student had ever memorized that many numbers in order.

Impressive.

Okay.

It's been a few years, and I'm a bit rusty, but I might be able to demonstrate for your listeners.

I think they'd be really impressed.

No, no, Steve.

Oh, no, Steve.

Sorry, cop.

Do you need a hint or something?

I don't need a hint.

I'm minored in counting, Cecil.

Okay?

One,

two,

three.

Four!

Yes.

Five.

Okay, all right, Steve.

Hey, why don't you tell us about Jazz Fest?

Okie-dookie.

The goal of Jazz Fest is about discovering jazz.

We want attendees to find musicians they never would have found otherwise.

Jazz Fest begins at dawn at Mission Grove Park.

The moment we hear the first metallic creak of the sunrise, a solo trumpet will play an unbroken D-flat as jazz lovers race out of the park past the sand wastes, down the gorge of Radon Canyon, back up the other side, and then another 50 miles through barren, sandy nothing.

Wait, so it's not at Mission Grove Park?

Why is Jazz Fest all the way out in the desert?

Well, who even knows?

A true jazz lover doesn't listen to jazz.

A true jazz lover looks for jazz.

Like I just said, Jazz Fest is about finding jazz musicians and who knows where they're hiding.

Jazz Fest attendees will fan out in small groups yelling, I want to hear a float solo!

Reveal yourself, jazz!

But then,

as night falls and the wildlife wakes up, the jazz lovers will grow cold and fearful.

And just when they thought they had no energy left to actually find any jazz music,

they will be hunted by coyotes.

Chased by venomous snakes, encircled by vultures.

As their lungs burn and their heart clamors and their muscles seize up, they will fall into the dry dust of the wilds.

They will hear a tenor sax.

They will whisper,

Sonny Rollins.

They will crawl, their swollen gray and pink lips pulsing sharp pains throughout their near-lifeless bodies.

But, like all of the performing arts, the sound they hear will be a mirage,

a meaningless series of tones bereft of musical weight.

This was never jazz,

there is no such thing as art.

And as the birds circle and caw, the jazz lovers will beg for a swift and easy death,

but it will be neither.

The animals are very hungry.

Steve, do you remember?

Do you remember last year when that guy from Pine Cliff found where Esperanza Spalding was playing, but then he held up his festival wristband to the show, the bouncers, and then the buzzards came down and fully plucked out his eyes?

And then he was like, no, no, I'm fine.

My ears are fine.

I can still hear the jazz.

But then the bouncers noticed that it was for Saturday only, and then they wouldn't let him in?

Oh, man, I must have watched that on YouTube like a million times.

Oh, I love jazz bloopers.

Oh, man.

But seriously, how many people are going to get attacked by birds at JazzFest this year?

Oh, absolutely all of them.

Great.

Yeah.

Anyway, all proceeds from Jazz Fest, go to support research for a cure to throat spiders.

It's going to be a blast.

Oh, goodness.

I almost forgot the most important part.

Actually, Steve, I just got to get back to the community calendar really quick.

You know, just take a second.

I'm double parked.

I really got to go to the toe card.

Just take a moment.

Okey-dokey.

Yeah.

Community calendar, more more in the community calendar.

This Thursday is Skin Health Awareness Day.

While enjoying the outdoors can be fun, the sun is a dangerous thing.

Participating clinics will offer free screenings where they will check your skin for unusual moles or ancient lifts or birthmarks that you fulfill the prophecy.

or burrowing insect colonies.

The Night Bell Medical Board reminds you to wear wear sunscreen and a hat when out in the sun.

They're not sure how this helps because the sun is essentially a million-mile-wide nuclear explosion.

But, you know, hey, whatever.

Steve, what are you still doing here?

Your segment's over.

You told me not to leave.

You said you'd just be a minute round.

Steve, I got like, we have important things going on.

Like, you gotta go.

Okey-dokey.

No, no, no.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you, Steve Carlsberg.

Moonlight is a chiropractor.

And finally, Fridays are so much fun that we are going to schedule all of our Fridays for this year all in a row.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's going to be nothing but finishing up that work week and then tearing carefree into the weekend.

Now, the bad news is that the rest of the year will have no Fridays at all.

But you know what?

That's a problem for Future Us.

Wink.

Oh, Future us.

If you liked that, please do get the rest on Bandcamp or on iTunes.

Links in the show notes.

And join our Patreon, where not only can you help us keep making this show, but you can access bonus tracks from All Hail featuring Molly Quinn, Jessica Nicole, Will Wheaton, and Dylan Marin as Carlos.

These bonus tracks will only be available on Patreon.

And be sure to check out our newest touring live show, A Spy in the Desert, this week at the Edinburgh fringe, and then coming to cities all over North America, UK, and Europe.

Check out all of the dates at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

See you soon with a new episode of Nightfale.

And hey, keep it up.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kramer here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.