28 - Summer Reading Program (R)

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey,

see you soon.

There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights.

Where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight.

Where there's something new for everyone to discover.

There's only one DC.

Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Does it even matter how many living things you touch today

or where they all are now?

Welcome to Night Vale.

The Summer Reading Program for Children and Teens has begun at the Nightvale Public Library.

This comes as an alarming surprise, given that the program was abolished by the City Council 30 years ago.

Though parents and teachers have asked on several occasions to reinstate the program, the City Council has maintained its position, citing lack of taxpayer funds, the extreme danger posed by books, the peril of exposing children to librarians, and of course, the incident that precipitated the ban, which the town's older residents will refer to only as

the time of knives.

Nevertheless, in a show of civic dedication or mindless bloodlust, and they really are so similar.

Night Vale's librarians have banded together in defiance of authority to reinstate summer reading.

Colorful posters with appealing statements like, get into a good book this summer, and we are going to force you into a good book this summer, and

You are going to get inside this book and we are going to close it on you and there is nothing you can do about it have appeared overnight around the library entrance and in local shops and businesses.

All sporting the clever tagline, catch the flesh-eating, reading bacterium.

The Sheriff's Secret Police have responded by interrogating the proprietors of businesses where the posters have appeared and by removing and confiscating the posters themselves.

Although, to be honest, listeners, the graphic design work is really cute.

I mean, have you seen them?

The little flesh-eating germ with his sun hat and library book using a screaming, semi-skeletal human victim as a beach chair?

Ugh, adorable.

After fierce debate today, the city council has officially declared murder illegal.

A crime that has, until this point, been handled using informal vigilante squads.

The head of one such squad, Vincent Lafarge of Grabham and Sackham, argued that Night Vale has gotten along just fine for years without the government meddling in murder investigation or punishment.

Do we sometimes catch the wrong guy, said Vincent.

Sure, most of the time.

We're not sure we've ever caught a guilty one.

Usually, we just grab the first person we see.

One time, we tried to arrest the dead body, but it got away.

Proponents of the bill argued that most things in Nightvale are already illegal anyway, so citizens would hardly even notice the change.

The law goes into effect in two weeks and citizens are advised to get any necessary murders done before then.

Although, there will be a three-day grace period after the deadline for those who are forgetful or whose victims are hard to catch.

Some summer tips to beat the heat.

First off,

have you tried to reason with the heat?

Humans, temperatures, angels, and chairs are all equally real and sentient.

Which is to say that we're all not real,

nor are any of us actually sentient.

But give reason a shot.

It has never, not once in history worked, but it might just work this time.

If the heat won't listen to reason, try denying that it's hot.

Doesn't seem hot to-day, you might say to your profusely sweating neighbor.

A little chilly, even, you could continue, slipping on a sweater and making an exaggerated burr noise, as the glaring sun plants the idea of cancer in your skin.

And if denial does not work, then your best bet, as with all problems in life, is exhausted resignation.

This has been Summer Tips to Beat the Heat.

And now a public service announcement.

Here is a brief list of everything that is helpful.

The Sheriff's Secret Police.

Clouds.

Anger.

The City Council.

Affection falling just short of love.

Ceiling fans.

Lungs.

Other sundry organs.

Laws.

Government.

Helicopters.

The 2005 Honda Accord.

Secrets.

Whispers.

Ultimately, nothing.

Anything not specifically named in this list should be considered not helpful and potentially dangerous.

It's not just good sense, it's the law.

An update on the summer reading situation.

14 young people between the ages of five and seventeen have already been reported missing and are feared to be in the public library and possibly learning.

Attempts by the sheriff's secret police to enter the library, rescue the missing children, and put an end to all summer reading activities have failed, as all doors and windows have mysteriously disappeared from the library exterior, just like it was before the renovations.

Our tax dollars paid for those doors and windows, and we shouldn't be expected to stand for library administrators just deciding to disappear them on a whim, even for a valid reason, like jealously guarding their possession of our stolen children without at least putting the issue to a popular vote.

Anyway, in light of this development, The city council has declared a level orange fear alert.

They advise that all Nightvale citizens avoid the public library and provide the council with any information they may have on the whereabouts of the missing children, on librarians' secret weaknesses, or on good books they've read lately.

Any citizens who admit to having read good books, the council added in an impromptu press conference, televised from a book-proof bunker, will be immediately scheduled for re-education and subsequent de-education.

The Sheriff's Secret Police, meanwhile, have instituted a curfew for the entire town, effective immediately.

After 7 p.m., all minors should be at home and under adult supervision.

and absolutely no reading, researching, online information seeking, educational games, documentary television, or having a lifelong love of learning will be permitted.

As their catchy new slogan puts it, once it gets dark, forget everything you ever knew and be silent.

Words belong to our enemies, and our enemies are words.

So be as mute and pure as a bone bleached clean by our desert sun,

by our desert sun.

The police have also stated that any nightvale citizen encountering a librarian, an entity suspected of being a librarian, or any excessively organized and helpful individual with a working comprehension of information systems is encouraged to shoot on site.

They also added that this goes for teachers as well, since what the hell, as long as we're at it.

We'll have further updates on this story as it develops.

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The Freemasons have announced some changes to their hierarchy.

These changes are the following.

Whereas before the Freemasons were under the authority of the Stone Masons worldwide, they will now be an independent subsidiary of the Hallowed Mason Council.

which itself will be split into four branches, corresponding with the four directions we glance when nervous.

The Hallowed Mason Council will also provide guidance and financial support to the retail masons, the wholesale masons, and the discount masons.

Except in cases involving inter-masonry disputes, which will, as before, be subject to the small brotherhood of the large chamber, the large brotherhood of the small chamber, or the properly fitted brotherhood, depending on the patterns discerned in bones cast by a fully licensed member of the Masonic Drone Legion or one of their proxies.

Now, of course, the Masons will continue their proud fraternal associations with the Illuminati.

However, the Illuminati will itself be splitting into ten distinct factions,

as follows: Red, Green, Eagle, Faction 4, the Real Illuminati, the Other Real Illuminati, Red Again, Alpha, Windhind, and Hungry Man brand Frozen Foods officially sponsored Illuminati.

This split will be overseen by the Council of Three, which will be supported by the Council of Five and monitored by the Council of Zero.

Elections for the Council of Zero will be held never

and will result in nothing.

Discretionary funds for the Illuminati and Freemason Alliance Committee will be funneled through a number of secret bank accounts, their numbers known to no one, and their secrets kept forever.

All of this is in accordance with the General Secret Agreement of the General Secret Alliance of the General Secret Community, representing all brotherhoods and organizations obscure and hidden, including the Harpoon League, the Flying Cape, the Six Ancient Truths, and the Dental Underground.

The Freemasons would also like to remind you that none of this may be known to you.

and that they are only telling you this to demonstrate your fragile mind, which barely parsed the words as they were spoken, and have already forgotten the secrets contained just moments later.

You will never know anything, and you will not even know that.

Breaking News Despite the best efforts of the sheriff's secret police and citizenry, we have received confirmation that over a hundred children and adolescents have disappeared from their homes, beds, part-time jobs, or summer forced labor camps and are now presumed to be inside the Night Vale Public Library and subject to the summer reading program.

Unfortunately, it is my sad duty to announce that this includes Intern Paolo, a high school junior who's been helping to organize the radio station archives over the summer months.

To the parents and family of Paolo,

our hearts go out to you in this time of fear and uncertainty, as in all other times of fear and uncertainty, which is all of them, really.

May you find comfort in the knowledge that, though your son may have been lost in a library, at least he, unlike many of his peers, actually went inside one of those at least once.

The situation has...

Wait.

Hold on just one moment.

I beg your pardon, listeners, but I've just received alarming news.

An alert citizen has called in to report inhuman shrieking, thick, meaty sounds, and a coppery, rotten smell of gore and viscera coming from the now sealed and impenetrable Night Vale Public Library, which are, of course, all fairly standard elements of the summer reading program as described in the library director's original proposal.

Painful though it may be, it seems that all we can do now,

as so often in our dull, blinkered lives below a microcosm of horror and beauty, is wait.

Wait and hope, and know that our hopes are immaterial and powerless, and our wishes will go unheard by the indifferent multitude of stars if indeed they, the stars, are even real.

But there are still some comforts that remain to us while we wait.

Small, shining baubles to distract us from the endless march of time towards events we have no control over and outcomes we never imagined.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you

the weather.

You and love

belong

to the day.

You and I belong

to the day.

Holy

Moses,

don't they just look away?

You and I belong

to the day.

You and I belong to the woods.

You and I belong

to the woods.

That mean old city, baby,

she just ain't no good.

You and I

belong

to the woods.

You and I belong to the morning

You and I belong

to the morning

And some famous time for angels

Can't you hear them calling

That you and I belong

to the morning

We wait for that curtain call to sound again.

But we won't last an hour upon that stage.

Too young, too proud,

too high to stick around.

So get me gone and carry me out of the crowd.

You and I belong

to the day.

You and I belong to the day.

Come be my shepherd babe.

Feels when we lay.

You and I belong

to the day.

You and I belong

to the day.

You and I belong

to the day.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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This just in, listeners.

We've received reports that the entrances to the Night Vale Public Library have reappeared, and the missing children have begun to emerge from inside the building.

The children have been described as wild-eyed, feral,

some staggering upright, and some running on all fours like animals, caked in effluvia and far more emaciated than the time of their absence would seem to account for, but otherwise well,

healthy, and unharmed.

At the head of the dazed and shambling pack was their apparent chosen leader, twelve-year-old

Tamika Flynn,

her mouth clenched in a blood-crusted snarl and carrying the severed head of a librarian in one hand and a gore-streaked sticker chart in the other.

Eyewitnesses who dared to get close enough to read the chart reported that Tamika had even finished Cry the Beloved Country, which is very impressive for her reading level.

Well done, Tamika.

Indeed, congratulations are in order for all the young people of of Night Vale who participated in the summer reading program,

for proving that neither abduction nor captivity, neither horrors beyond imagining, nor unfamiliar vocabulary can prevent you from embracing the pleasures of Bell Letra.

Here's to you, boys and girls.

And remember, even while we congratulate Tamika for winning your your loyalty with her sophisticated comprehension and extremes of berserker violence, that the real victory won today

has been for literacy.

Stay tuned next for our countdown of last words from stop telling me how to drive all the way to it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

This episode was co-written with Ashley Learman.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be downloaded for free at disparition.info.

This episode's weather was You and I Belong by Simone Felice.

Find out more at SimoneFelice.com.

Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff that you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That would be cool of you.

Today's Proverb.

A bar walks into a bar.

The bartender is a snake eating its own tail.

The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks.

Packages by Expedia.

You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

We were made to easily bundle your trip.

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Made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

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Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September, and we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada, in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun and they are for you, the diehard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com slash live.

And hey,

see you soon.