The Orbiting Human Circus (of the Air): Season One, Episode 1

Howdy, Jeffrey Kraner here.

You probably know that Welcome to Night Vale does live tours.

We've done seven of those tours, in fact.

If you never got to see these tours, or even if you did and you want to relive them, we have live recordings available to you right now over at nightvale.bandcamp.com.

You can find those seven different live show performances, including our most recent show, The Attic.

We've also got some one-off events like our Thrilling Adventure Hour crossover show, our first-ever live show, Condos, as well as The Debate.

These albums are only $5 and they're so much fun.

So while we're between tours, tide yourself over with our live albums.

That's nightvale.bandcamp.com.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry.

Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day day returns.

That's quince.com/slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash nightfail.

Hi, Jeffrey Kraner here.

We are so excited to bring you this first episode of Night Vale Presents' newest podcast, The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air.

We'll be featuring the first three episodes of Orbiting Human Circus here on the Welcome to Night Vale feed, just as we did with Within the Wires and Alice Isn't Dead.

If you like what you hear and want to subscribe to the entire eight-episode first season of Orbiting Human Circus, you can do that right now through iTunes or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

And oh, hey, we appreciate you.

We zoom in on a small enclosed space,

a dark, womb-like space with walls of metal

where

a small figure lies curled, appropriately, in a fatal position, waiting to emerge as if he were the main character of a show about to be born.

A god.

Metaphorically, that is.

He's fully grown.

Who is he?

Oh my word.

Well, you'll find out soon enough.

Where is he?

Well, it's pitch black.

You can't see.

I can tell tell you this much.

He's in a dark hiding place in one of the most famous buildings in the world, in Paris,

and it's a tower.

And he's hiding.

While nearby, a large audience files into a grand ballroom to see the performance of a live radio variety show which is about to be broadcast.

Broadcasting from the top of the Eiffel Tower, you are listening to the orbiting human circus of the air.

But

what is he doing?

Oh, yes, he's pretending to be on that radio show.

He does this.

He does all the voices.

Right now, he's pretending to be the host, John McCammon.

Don't worry, this isn't what the show actually sounds like.

Juck, Pew.

Now he's pretending to be backstage.

He's pretending to do the voice of chief stagehand Letitia Saltier.

She runs the show.

That sounds nothing like her.

Oh, good lord.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Now he's doing host John Cameron again, back on the air.

That was the orbiting human circus orchestral performing its version of

What are you doing?

I'm dusting the microphone.

There he is, is, doing himself.

Oh,

get away from the microphone.

I'm sorry.

I just thought I should clean up the show a little bit.

Yes, even in his fantasies, he ruins everything.

Why?

Well, it does make them more realistic.

Because that's what he actually does.

He ruins everything.

He's actually preparing to sneak into that ballroom.

Sneak on stage, and bumble onto the air, where a person like him certainly does not belong.

Not in a medium known for intelligent discourse on important subjects like science, news, and technology.

Good lord.

For example, there must be something else on.

Hi, this is Drew Callender from the Orbiting Human Circus, and on behalf of the whole Orbiting Human Circus gang, we'd like to welcome you to our first episode and thank our sponsors, Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans and Atom Tickets.

We are very happy to have Rocket Mortgage as our sponsor because for many of us here at the Orbiting Human Circus, applying for a traditional bank loan would be nearly impossible.

I, for instance, in my normal life, am a vampire, and were I to try to go out to my bank during normal business hours, I would turn into something resembling the dust that collects on all those piles of rejected mortgage applications.

But with Rocket Mortgage, you can apply for a mortgage from the comfort of your own coffin or couch.

Whatever's easier for you.

And you can easily share your bank statements and pay stubs at the touch of a button, so you don't have to search through stacks of old files and paperwork.

Which is good for me, since I've got paperwork that goes back to the 80s.

The 1880s.

So if you too find it difficult to make it to the bank because its employees are always fleeing from you, screaming in mortal terror, or for whatever reason, then check out Rocket Mortgage today at quickenloans.com/slash OHC.

That's OHC for orbiting human circus.

Equal housing lender license in all 50 states, NMLS consumeraccess.org number 3030.

Use the Atom Tickets app to buy tickets and concessions, invite friends, and skip the box office lines.

When you use the code OHC at checkout, you'll get $5 off your entire order through the end of the year.

Download the free app, that's A-T-O-M-Tickets, from the Google Play or Apple App Store.

And now, please sit back and enjoy episode one.

Now, see how much fun you can have with ventriloquism?

So let's go on with our lesson.

When talking for the dummy, speak in the front part of your mouth with the tip of your tongue in back of the upper front teeth.

I find some students have a tendency to form their words back in the mouth.

This gives a garbled effect, like this:

and so forth.

Now, it should be up in front, of course, like this.

I had begun to wonder.

Absolutely, but

what is this noise?

Listening to the radio.

Trying to listen to the radio.

Dad, go downstairs.

Turn enough.

I'm gonna miss this whole thing.

In the grand ballroom at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

The red velvet curtains part, and suddenly, the giant on-air sign above the stage lights up.

Broadcasting from the top of the Eiffel Tower, the orbiting human circus of the air.

The orchestra starts it off with its version of Chopin's Here I Snore, May I for Hours More, featuring guest vocalist Romika, the extraordinary singing Saw.

And so the saw's song rings out, filling the ballroom at the top of the Eiffel Tower, and out into the night, reaching radios.

Radios.

Radios the world over.

But

there is one lonely soul who is not listening on the radio, nor is he watching from a seat in the broadcast ballroom.

At the back of the stage, behind the singing saw, behind the shimmering backdrop, to the left of the props closet, tunneled into the brick wall beside the fuse box, a heating duct.

And, curled deep inside this heating duct, claustrophobic and alone, hides Julian, janitor here at the Eiffel Tower, who secretly dreams of being on the radio.

Oh my god, I'm so excited.

If I could just get a little bit higher,

I could see.

Twice ejected from the broadcast ballroom ballroom already this week for disrupting the broadcast.

Oh, look out there.

It's so beautiful.

He now prepares to sneak onto the stage once again.

Gotta go in there.

I gotta go in there.

But that's just what he oughtn't do.

You see, once inside, he can't seem to keep off the air.

Look, look, right next to the vent, there's a catwalk.

I'm just gonna go up on the catwalk and I'll hide behind the curtain.

I won't say a thing to anybody, I swear to God.

But that catwalk, it's rickety and old.

It won't hold you.

They're dimming the lights.

I'm gonna go.

Quiet.

I'm gonna open the vent.

But.

That was the orbiting human circus orchestra.

Oh,

it happened.

My God!

Medic!

Is there a medic?

Forgive me, ladies and gentlemen, at home.

It seems someone has fallen onto the stage from a great height.

And is there a medic?

I'm all right.

I'm all right.

It's Julian the janitor here at the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry.

Are you all right?

Well, I'm okay.

Uh did you say something about the orchestral?

Well I was just about to pull the blanket off its cage.

Spotlight please!

It's a bird.

Thank you very much, Julian.

Moving right along.

The orchestral is a rare African bird that can play all 46 instruments in the orchestra at once but aren't there 47 instruments in an orchestra orchestrals choose not to play the viola wow thank you Julian listen to that tiny piano thank you Julian will you feel it thank you thank you so much and now a word from our sponsor we at Samuel Saws are proud to say on stage as the commercial rolls chaos the broadcast having suffered yet another janitorial interruption and with the whole world listening and it is

Why?

The whole world is listening to hear the extraordinary act.

Miracles!

Impossibilities!

They aren't listening to hear the janitor be tackled and bodily removed by host John Cameron!

Which, luckily, they cannot hear due to the wisely timed sponsor announcement, which is about to end and return us to the live broadcast.

The leading instrument in all of today's popular music.

Saws are flying off the shelves of hardware stores into the hearts of millions.

You are listening to the orbiting human circus of the air.

Please explain, Professor.

We've developed a machine that will allow us to hear the cricket song exactly as heard by the crickets themselves.

I have a specimen here.

I am now turning on the machine.

Well, here you have it, ladies and gentlemen.

The cricket song, heard for the very first time by human ears exactly as heard by the cricket itself.

But as the little cricket sings its heart out on the air, there is one person who listens not on the radio nor from a seat in the broadcast ballroom.

In fact, he is not listening.

Curled in a ball in the janitor's closet in which he lives lies Julian, janitor of the Eiffel Tower, crying.

I'm not crying.

Mr.

Cameron seemed very upset this time.

I know.

I think he was trying to strangle you.

I know.

He only wanted to strangle me because he really loves the show.

I love the show.

Then why do you interrupt it the way that you do?

All those old radio shows like Jack Benny, they all had these crazy characters who'd come crashing in and everybody would laugh and applaud.

Yes, but those things were planned.

Those people were actors.

They were...

I know.

Funny.

Yes.

I could be funny, but then I just see that microphone.

Well, even professionals get staged, fright.

There's a million people listening.

But it's not that.

It's the opposite of that.

I...

I love...

It's alright.

Take your time.

What?

when I was a kid I always had to hide in the basement and one time I was hiding behind these boxes and I found this tape machine.

It was my father's.

My father was a show person.

I never met him, he died.

But when I found that tape machine I was just so

I started playing with it.

You pretend that you're making a radio show and

I pretended I was on the stage and

there was an audience and there were people listening all over the world.

What exactly was your childhood like?

Cleaning.

Well, I mean, I was the one who did all the cleaning in the house and I was

and so I was always supposed to be cleaning.

Even when I made the radio shows, I was supposed to be cleaning and my...

Wait, wait, wait.

You were supposed to be cleaning, and instead you'd pretend you were putting on a radio show.

Yeah, I'd get in trouble.

My stepfather was, um, one thing he used to do is he'd like lift me up by the hair.

So he'd barge in and interrupt your show.

Oh, he'd ruin it.

The audience would go away,

everything I was imagining would go away, and then it would just be my stepfather.

So what happened?

Well, this one time I was pretending to do my radio show, and I was pretending I had this act on the show, and there were these bells.

They were the flying bells of Toulouse.

And they were these bells that just floated in from the back of the theater and they floated all around the audience's heads, you know, on the studio audience, and they floated up by the microphone and out by the stage where I was, or I was imagining I was.

And it was so beautiful.

I didn't hear my stepfather come in, and my stepfather came in, and he hit me in the ear, and my ear started ringing.

But the ringing well started bleeding, but the ringing made the bells stay.

Like normally when he came in, everything went away, but this time time the ringing made the bells stay, and when the bells stayed, the audience stayed, and the whole thing stayed.

And suddenly,

I wasn't alone.

And I

always had the audience after that.

No matter what I did, I'd just imagine there was an audience.

I mean, I know it's not real.

No, no, it's not.

But that microphone on that stage with Mr.

Cameron, that audience is real.

But that's just it.

It is real.

Sneaking onto that stage uninvited is no way to make people like you.

Not the audience, not the sponsors, and certainly not Mr.

Cameron.

It's his whole life.

And I'm afraid you've shortened it.

I'm gonna make it up to him.

I'm gonna make it up to him.

I'm gonna clean his dressing room.

I'm gonna make it so nice that he'll have to forgive me.

You can't sneak back in there.

If they fire you, where will you go?

How will you eat?

I think I know a way we can get in over here.

But who is this personality who cannot resist the bright lights of the stage, the beautiful shining microphones, the hypnotic pull of laughter and applause?

Who is this personality who has gone so far as to imagine a narrator, to keep him company announcing the events of his life, as if he were the star of screen, stage, or story?

God, you make me sound like such a freak.

Everyone should have a narrator.

Thank you.

But don't go in there.

Jacques-Pierre, where are you?

Over here.

Yeah, we're right here.

Look, it's Letitia Sartier.

She's cool.

She's the chief stage hand.

She runs the show.

Look, she's not looking.

Quick, before she comes.

So remember, place the German shepherds on the left side of the stage and the German shepherd on the right or the sheep that gets spooked.

I know, we got it.

Okay, and bend your legs when you leave the dog.

I know.

Okay, I know, I know, but I tell you, don't do it.

I won't have you injured.

Suddenly, host John Cameron comes rushing in.

Which side of the dog's on?

Left, left.

Right, right.

Did you get rid of the janitor?

He ruined the entire opening.

Yeah, yeah, we got rid of the janitor.

You're on.

Ale, alley.

I am afraid of this janitor.

Such a small guy, but such a large, destructive force.

Why should it be so hard to keep him out?

He's like he can pass through the wall.

Like, we need to call the exterminator.

Uh, we're still.

Oh, sequence!

Back to work!

And so, having snuck into the host's dressing room, really a very terrible idea, the janitor begins cleaning furiously.

I'm not furious.

It's a manner of speech.

But as he cleans, he hears, coming distantly from the stage, the final musical number of the evening, which means only one thing.

His favorite part of the show is about to begin.

He listens...

and cleans quietly because each night ends with a story.

A feature presentation.

A bizarre artifact.

Real people telling real stories on tape.

Well, you'll hear for yourself because here comes chief stagehand Letitia Saultier rolling the large tape machine past.

And on to the stage.

The orbiting human circus of the air.

What you're about to hear, ladies and gentlemen, is absolutely real.

There are some things in life for which words cannot prepare you.

We therefore ask you to prepare yourselves for our feature presentation, Goldsby and Rue.

When I was nine years old, my father died and we had to move.

and my mother had to go to work.

I was often alone, very often left alone in the house and it was a complete change of locale, change of friends, change of teachers and everything.

This was all during the war.

And I even remember being in school in the playground and I remember where the

German Luftwaffe plane came over and he

dive-bombed and machine gunned, but we all laid down in the ground and the plane came very low and all the the bullets were going, but he obviously was deliberately missing because nobody was hurt.

It's funny because I'm sort of recalling

now it makes me, you know, I haven't thought about it for years and years and years, but I remember that time now.

I remember so, you know, so

it's all very vivid.

What happened from the first step?

I noticed that my mother was being snubbed by the neighbours, and I learned it was because because she was working for Goldsby and Roo, two barristers.

I had no idea at the time what a barrister did.

I had been told by other children that they had never lost a case.

I realized

they were very famous.

They were famous for representing rich and powerful people and on many occasions freeing them even though they were guilty,

got new identities for them and relocated them.

Sometimes witnesses were relocated, but defendants being relocated was unheard of.

The press called them Ghoulsby and ruled

ghoul like a monster.

It was really Goldsby.

People were talking

People were talking about my mother.

I asked her why she was working for these people whom everybody thought were really

she wouldn't say a bad word about Goldsby and Rue.

I was upset that she wouldn't tell me why.

And

we always had blackouts, you know.

It was dark everywhere, there were no electric lights on, all lights were out, had been blown out, and

all you heard was the bombs going off all around.

I began to feel lonely and sad.

At this time there was a famous trial going on about the Kensington child murders.

It was announced that Goldsby and Rue was going to defend the child murderer.

Goldsby and Rue were working my mother so hard, I saw less and less of her.

It became

apparent that they were going to win the case on a series of technicalities.

The public was outraged because a child murderer was going to be set free.

Everybody knew that he would be hidden and he would be given a new identity.

After the verdict was announced, I overheard that Goldsby and Roo were going to have a celebratory dinner.

And so I made a decision.

That evening, I followed my mother to Goldsby and Roo's chambers.

She went for her keys.

She couldn't get in because I had already taken her keys.

So she knocked.

After my mother went in, I went up and tried the key and tried to get in after her.

And after the door closed behind me, I suddenly realised I was in the house with the murderer.

God.

I was scared of being discovered by either my mother or the murderer.

I can tell you it really

was quite scary.

So I hid in the pantry.

I stayed in there quite a while wondering what to do.

At the end of the pantry, there was a light coming under the door.

So I went up to the door and peeped through the keyhole

and

I could see how

and where they were going to hide the child murderer.

In fact, they were already doing it.

It's, you know, there's simply awful things that people see.

They don't want to, but, you know, it just happens and you

see it.

They were eating him.

And I realized

this must be what happened to all their clients.

It wasn't much fun.

My mother was some other place in the building.

I got away as fast as I could.

My mother never knew that I had been there.

We became much closer.

There was no longer a gulf between us.

It had dissolved, disappeared.

I never told.

I never repeated the story.

Broadcasting from the top of the Eiffel Tower, the orbiting human circus of the air.

Hiding behind the curtain, the janitor peers out at the show he loves.

Well, that's all for this week, ladies and gentlemen.

This is John Cameron broadcasting from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

The orbiting human circus wishes you a good night.

This is Robbie Cucciara of the Orbiting Human Circus, and we'd like to thank Atom Tickets App for supporting the Orbiting Human Circus of the Air podcast.

Atom Tickets app is the free mobile movie ticketing app that makes going to the movie super easy.

As a big movie fan, I am very excited to be using the Atom Tickets app.

You know, I don't like waiting on lines.

First you have to get your ticket and then jump in the concession line which can be very very long and I'm not a very patient man.

With Atom Tickets app, that's A-T-O-M tickets app, all those inconveniences are taken care of.

I can buy my ticket, pre-order my snacks, and without paying for them, invite my buddies.

Atom Tickets app also has all the trailers and reviews to browse, so I can do a little research on my movie before committing.

We can just arrive at the theater, scan our QR code, and skip all the lines in a flicker of no time.

Plus, best of all, you can use the Orbiting Human Circus code OHC and you'll get $5 off your entire purchases through the end of the year.

That's like a free popcorn or drink every time you go.

Download Atom, that's A-T-O-M, tickets for free from the Google Play or Apple App Store for the ultimate movie experience.

Hello again, this is Drew Callender, and on behalf of the Orbiting Human Circus, we'd like to thank you for listening and thank our sponsor, Rocket Mortgage.

Rocket Mortgage brings the mortgage process into the 21st century with a fast, easy, and completely online process.

Check out Rocket Mortgage today at quickenloans.com slash OHC.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called it truce for their holiday and used used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my nightvale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible.

free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership and if I know you and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.