93 - Big Sister

Hey hey, Jeffrey Kraner from welcome to Night Vale here.

Apart from Night Vale, we make other podcasts.

If you're already a big Night Vale fan, check out Good Morning Night Vale, where cast members Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, and Hal Lublin break down each and every episode.

Or if you're looking for more weird fiction, there's Within the Wires, an immersive fiction podcast written by me and novelist Janina Mathewson.

Each season is a standalone tale told in the guise of found audio.

Finally, maybe you like horror movies or are scared of horror movies but are horror curious, check out Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where me and the voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin talk about a randomly drawn horror film.

We have new episodes every single week.

So that's Good Morning Nightvale Within the Wires and Random Horror 9.

Go to nightvalepresents.com for more or get those podcasts wherever you get your podcasts.

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Find it in your heart.

You'll need to break past the ribs and then scoop it out, but it's in there, and you need to find it quickly.

Welcome to Night Vale.

To start the news today, there's a big sale this Saturday afternoon at Knightvale Elementary.

This is to raise money for a new sculpture to honor the great contributions made by the current school board president, the Glow Cloud.

The Glow Cloud is mighty and magnificent.

All hail the powerful glowing cloud which rules our every desire, our every action, our very existence.

All hail that which did not create us but can certainly destroy us.

The sculpture will serve as a physical manifestation of our fealty to the benevolent yet oppressive cloud, who has helped increase standardized test scores at every school as well as graduation rates at Nightvale High.

The Glow Cloud, all hail,

also helped build a brand new fine arts center and rehearsal studios for music programs at the junior high.

So good work.

Well deserved.

In unrelated news, Several five-headed dragons have been seen around Nightvale.

Nightvale's most famous five-headed dragon, really the only dragon we know in Nightvale, is Hiram McDaniels, who is currently in prison slated for execution for his attempt to kill Mayor Dana Cardinal.

None of these new dragons are Hiram, but they are all five-headed and quite large.

My intern Karim reports that the apparent leader of these new dragons is Hadassah McDaniels, Hiram's sister.

Not sure what their intentions are, but I bet they're they're innocuous.

Just some dragons passing through.

Kareem argues that their intentions seem rather sinister.

For instance, they nearly burned down the pinkberry by the mall.

You know, a few weeks ago, I asked for mochi on my order at that pinkberry and they put crushed peanuts on it as if anybody likes that garbage, so I don't know.

Innocuous, sinister.

Six one way, half a dozen the other, 1.5 times 4 another way.

Listeners, can I just take a moment to thank our intrepid intern Kareem?

He's been at the station for a long time, a dedication few of our interns have ever shown.

In fact, most radio interns leave in the first few weeks, never to be heard from again.

Not Karim.

He's truly loyal to this station and to his radio dreams.

I think he'll have a long career ahead of him.

Haha, Karim is cocking his head and raising one eyebrow at me.

Kind of a face-based thumbs up.

I suppose.

You're welcome, Kareem.

Let's have a look now at sports.

The Knale High School Scorpions kick off their season this Friday night at Memorial Stadium against the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors.

Nightvale's new quarterback, sophomore Mallory Willingham, won the starting job over junior Henry Lexington, who really struggled last year with some of the basic concepts of throwing, like which arm to use.

In the season finale last December, Lexington brought a third arm he found in the vacant lot out back of the Ralphs.

He used that arm to throw for five touchdowns in a victory over the Stone Meadow Shark Nurses.

But even with this impressive finale, Coach Nazr al-Mujahid said he preferred the consistency Willingham brought to the position.

Willingham has great vision.

Coach Al Mujahid said while crouching behind a large cardboard box in the corner of his office.

She can see things no one else can, the coach screamed, his body quivering.

She can see your soul right into it, he whispered while still screaming.

She's coming!

Hide!

She's coming!

He said suddenly as he barricaded his office by hammering wood planks over the door.

Willingham sounds like just what this team needs to make the playoffs once again.

Tim Langley, head of the Night Vale chapter of the NRA, announced today some changes to their charter, charter, saying that from now on, the NRA will no longer use the words gun, rifle, pistol, semi-automatic, or revolver.

Instead, those words and related words will be replaced by the word kitten, as in, kittens don't kill people, people kill people, and going down, kittens ablazing, and well, if you're holding a kitten to my head.

Langley said the word gun carries too many negative connotations, while the word kitten does not.

Langley stressed the importance of positive language when attempting to rally a public behind an organization with such monstrous political beliefs.

Langley and the NRA then distributed flyers across town that read, don't let the government take our kittens.

which caused several excited residents to call City Hall.

They demanded to know whether the government truly planned to come to their homes and take away their kittens.

Because, the residents said, their cat just had a bunch of kittens and they're having trouble finding homes for them.

So if the government wants to take some kittens, please, by all means, come to our house and take them.

This then excited the members of the city council, who apparently eat kittens.

They rushed out answering every call for kittens, but then upon seeing that many of the residents who had kittens also had guns in their homes, while the city council ordered the guns removed.

Yeah, we've lost our appetite for kittens, the council snarled in unison.

We're now entering every home in Nightvale and taking away your guns.

An update on the dragons.

Karim scored a prison interview with Hiram McDaniels.

Hiram's gold, green, blue, and greyheads have been sentenced to death.

for trying to kill Mayor Cardinal.

According to Karim, Hiram has been shackled inside a large stone room.

Just outside his barred window, Hiram can see prison guards inflating colorful Mylar balloons that read, Execution Day, and Congrats, and Lordy Lordy, guess who's 40?

But 40 has been crossed out and replaced with a handwritten, being terminated.

His violet head will be spared since he did not participate in the attack on the mayor, and in fact, thwarted the assassination attempt.

Just last month, Hiram's Hiram's Violet Head received the Sheriff's Blackheart Medal for bravery and service to the community.

Sheriff Sam themselves pinned it right onto Violet's thick, scaly skin.

Karim reports that in spite of his impending execution, Hiram is in good spirits.

Hiram's goldhead told Karim, Son, I'm not worried.

I got some plans in the works, some really smart plans.

Then Hiram winked four times, with one eye on each of his foreheads up for execution.

Violet did not wink, only glowered, saying, It'll never work!

The government will find out!

Hiram's greenhead snarled, Complaining is not a strategy.

We need solution-based contributions!

Karim asked Hiram if these plans involved inviting his sister and all the other dragons into town.

Hiram went silent.

No, no, that's not it at all, his goldhead replied.

That's not logical.

It makes no sense for her to be here.

Hiram's blue head stated.

Night Vale is doomed, but I am too, so who cares?

His greyhead concluded.

More on this as it develops.

But first, a word from our sponsor.

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No offense, but we're much faster at it than you are.

Also, Nathan Fillion looks nothing like that.

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Intern Karim says he has seen Hadassah in downtown near City Hall, accompanied by several other multi-headed dragons.

She is a full 10 feet taller than Hiram, and, like Hiram, Hadassah has exactly five heads.

But instead of being several different colors, each are green.

Each one shouts simultaneously, overlapping though, not in unison, things like, Bring me my brother!

And, I will crush your human skulls in my claws!

And, that's not a knife!

This is a knife!

And then arcing toward the sky a great breath of fire, which Karim said did not resemble a knife at all.

Just an aside, listeners, Karim has always been a bit of a cynic.

He used to say he didn't think Hiram McDaniels was really a five-headed dragon, but an elaborate metaphor I made up for a dangerous man.

A strange point of view for a young man who openly acknowledges the existence of angels, so I hope he understands now that Hadassah's knife comment is a metaphor.

The dragons themselves are a literality.

Anyway, it's good that these young interns get a chance to see the world for themselves, rather than just in textbooks and classrooms.

I do hope that Kareem is getting a lot out of the-

And I just got word from Karim that he thinks he broke his ankle diving out of the way of Hadassah's flaming breath as she stormed towards City Hall.

I don't use metaphors lightly, Karim.

Dragons are real, young man.

Mayor Cardinal and Sheriff Sam have appeared on the steps of City Hall.

Karim, who is trying to maintain consciousness in the face of crippling pain, says they are confronting Hadassah directly.

Dana is extending an open palm as a welcoming show of peace.

Sam is clenching their shotgun and shouting at the dragons, keep your wig on, you overgrown salamanders!

Behind them a large cloud, glowing and rumbling dropping dead animals.

All hail.

A few of the dragons are whispering upon seeing the cloud approach, but not Hadassah.

Dana is waving a hand to both Sam and the Glow Cloud to stand down, but the dragons are closing in on her.

Listeners, has Hadassah come to finish what Hiram started?

I've told Karim to get out of there, but also to get closer to the action.

Really try to get that story, but also to get very far away.

As we wait to learn Dana's fate, let me take you now to the weather.

Coal black virgin spinning above an open ocean.

I hear, I feel, I need, I know

seven sailors swimming, shipwrecked, seven smudgy mirrors.

You gotta let them go

Well I checked out the royal place

Saw the babies all bathed with champagne

So many miles of dirt I driving just to park in your chair

On away, on the way

on away, on the way.

Well, I picked four oven clean

in the shadow ravine.

I seen the bowls

I seen his teeth Wood scar upon the streets Our enemies victory is complete And they'll be coming to collect Within the next few hundred weeks

I get a little soft shake around the shoulder

Cause I think there's someone watching

I get a little soft with someone that is ears now.

But I guess it's just time passing.

Born away all away

for love.

Born away all away

for love.

Blessed blue-black virgin shifting

in the ocean's rhythm.

Heartly living tissue,

heartly always heaven.

Give me strength and vision.

Watch over the earth, it's listening.

Ladylike, it's almost broken.

All my eyes, my clothes go open.

Our parents are fading out, fading out, fading out into the fuzzy fur.

I can't, I gasp, I gasping pants.

I can't get enough air into my lungs.

I see the bald hair of a vulture

come crusting up the stairs.

Time holds me greenish-brown and dying in the studio somewhere.

I want away, I wanna wait

for love.

It's all for you, good

born away all the way

Shuffle,

Shuffle

Shut up

Shut up,

Shuffle

Shuffle

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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Karim has gotten himself to the hospital to get his ankle looked at.

Seems he'll need to be in a cast for a few weeks, but fortunately, before he passed out from the pain, he managed to get a report of what happened at City Hall.

Mayor Cardinal stepped toward Hadassah and welcomed her to the city.

Dana was cautious and graceful.

Hadassah sneered at Sam and their shotgun until Dana told Sam to lower the weapon.

Hadassah screamed at Dana, We do not come in peace, we come with lawyers!

Then several of the dragons behind her wretched fire into the sky.

Apparently, in agreement?

Or to signal that they were the lawyers, or perhaps they saw some idiot bird fly too close to them?

Hadassah introduced her cousin, Miriam Edelman, and two of her close friends, Tara Partridge and Dirk Andrews, who were all lawyers brought here to discuss the imprisonment and threatened execution of a citizen of their world.

Sam said, you're not welcome here, and then to emphasize their point, crafted a paper-mâché horno plenty filled with artichokes.

Hours later, after Sam finished the sculpture, Dana said, but you are welcome here.

We welcome all people.

Adassa said, we are not people.

Dana disagreed.

You are sentient.

You have cares, you have families and careers and community.

You love and you fear others.

I respect you and you respect me because we we are all people, even if we are not all human or dragon.

Respect does not need to include getting along with or fully understanding, but simply acknowledging that those things are possible because of sovereignty and sentience.

Because we respect people as people, you are welcome in Nightvale.

There was a long silence.

Then, Sheriff Sam slapped their forehead and groaned, What are you doing, Mayor?

This is a blinking disaster.

The Glow Cloud shrunk away, disappointed.

Or scared.

Or possibly bored.

Or something.

It's hard to tell exactly how clouds feel just by looking at them.

Dana and Sam argued over how welcome the dragons were until Hadassah roared, Thank you, Mayor!

And Miriam agreed, her beige head saying, This will do nicely.

I'll find us a suitable extended stay hotel.

Miriam's maroon head said, I normally don't trust humans, but she seems kind.

Miriam's purple head muttered, kindness and trust are not related.

Dana and the dragons shook hands slash claws, as did Sam, although reluctantly.

Hadassah shouted, We begin negotiations next week!

So, It looks like we have some new residents in Nightvale.

I really appreciate Dana and and her openness to people from all backgrounds.

She's one of the kindest and most fair people I know.

I cannot think of a better mayor.

But given what happened to Karim today,

I'm worried about the violent nature of dragons.

Not that they'll intentionally destroy us necessarily, but just the physical destruction that comes with bees a dozen times your size.

Oh, Karim just texted me, by the way.

I guess he's listening to the show right now from the hospital.

says, When elephants dance, the grass gets trampled.

Hmm.

Kareem sounds confused.

There are no elephants in town and very little grass, so you know what?

I'm going to text Kareem back and explain to him what an elephant is.

I mean, he may not know.

Stay tuned next for the sound of distant drums and cannons.

And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Merry on a Wave, a brand new track by Ockerville River from their new album, Away, out September 9th.

Find out more at ockerville river.com.

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Today's proverb, drive it like you stole it, but you stole it because you really loved it and you would not like to see it damaged.

Basically, drive carefully.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dude 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

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Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

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