86 - Standing and Breathing

Hey hey, Jeffrey Kraner from welcome to Night Vale here.

Apart from Night Vale, we make other podcasts.

If you're already a big Night Vale fan, check out Good Morning Night Vale, where cast members Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, and Hal Lublin break down each and every episode.

Or if you're looking for more weird fiction, there's Within the Wires, an immersive fiction podcast written by me and novelist Janina Mathewson.

Each season is a standalone tale told in the guise of found audio.

Finally, maybe you like horror movies or are scared of horror movies but are horror curious, check out Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where me and the voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin talk about a randomly drawn horror film.

We have new episodes every single week.

So that's Good Morning Night Vale Within the Wires and Random Horror 9.

Go to nightvalepresents.com for more or get those podcasts wherever you get your podcasts.

I believe the children are our future.

They are also our past and our present.

This is how children work in linear time.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Mayor Dana Cardinal announced that last night's air raid sirens were nothing to be alarmed by.

Nor are the missing street and highway signs, nor are the angry people who were assigned to hold the signs and wave them about, using the maritime telegraphic language of semaphore, and who are now standing around dumbfounded and empty-handed.

Nor should we yet concern ourselves with mailboxes, which have all been filled with what postal workers hope is just hair gel.

Following a meeting with the sheriff and the city council, Mayor Cardinal says she believes this all to be the work of pranksters.

Perhaps the return of the feral dogs, who once defaced several concrete walls with libertarian street art.

But the mayor and the secret police are not ruling out more sinister activity.

Sheriff Sam added, while whittling a piece of balsa into a polar bear, that it's definitely these foreigners moving here from Desert Bluffs.

The city council said nothing.

They mostly stood around behind the press conference podium texting and giggling.

All of them had fresh haircuts, crisp upturned polo collars, and manicures.

The mayor said she would work closely with Sheriff Sam to find the culprits, but in the meantime, there's no need for alarm.

Sam added that there was a need to remove all the foreigners.

More on this story as it develops.

But first, an update on the trial of Hiram McDaniels.

Unable to find a jury of peers for a literal five-headed dragon, the court agreed to create artificial intelligence to simulate what five-headed dragon peers would be like, and then place that AI on the jury.

For this project, they hired expert computer programmer Melanie Pennington, who joins us now by phone.

Welcome to my show, Melanie.

Welcome to your show.

I mean, hi, hello.

It turns out you welcomed me.

It doesn't make sense to welcome you.

Sorry, my mind was, you know, the expanse, the vast, the out there.

I mean, my mind is elsewhere.

My mind is everywhere.

Wonderful.

And how are you- Do you ever look at the stars?

The stars, you know, the stars.

Not each star, but some of the stars.

I mean every single one of the stars at once.

I mean the whole night sky added up.

Do you ever look at the sum of the stars?

The night sky as an equation, beauty as a math problem, which it is.

Everything beautiful is math.

Everything beautiful is a problem.

What was your question?

Um, how are you doing?

Oh,

I'm fine.

Melody, you sound familiar.

Do I sound familiar?

You just said that, so I guess I do.

You must have met one of my programs, or not met.

None of them are sentient.

You can't meet things that have no sentience.

Well, I guess you could be like, hi there, pile of rocks.

I'm Melanie.

Just to see what happens.

I suppose there is no said dogma for social engagement.

Oh, I wish I had a dog.

Have you ever met a rock?

What's your name again?

Well, I'm.

What I'm saying is that I probably sound familiar because all of my programs have the same voice as me.

That's how computer programming works.

Have you ever programmed a computer that broadcasts on a radio station, specifically one that recites random numbers?

Oh, yes, the local numbers station, WZZZ.

Yes, that was one of my early programs.

And those numbers and chimes aren't random, they're encoded messages to foreign spies.

Also, a few pudding recipes and a funny cryptology poem or two.

So you designed Faye, the voice of WZZZ.

Oh, the WZZZ program has no name and absolutely no sentience.

Not every program is sentient.

That WZZZ program only recites numbers and tones.

That's all it does and all it ever will do.

It doesn't know it exists.

About that.

See, there was a thing that happened a couple years ago.

Listen to me babbling on.

You had me on to talk about the trial.

Yes.

Well, I understand there has been some controversy around the ethics of making a jury of peers from artificial intelligence rather than actual five-headed dragons.

Oh, there are a lot more problems than just ethics.

What are ethics even?

How can you quantify what is right?

I mean, let's assign a number on how ethical a computerized jury is.

I'm gonna say it's a low number, like 1.5 or 2.

But let's make it on a scale of 0 to 3.

So that's pretty good.

Everything's going fine, ethically speaking, anyway.

But the programming has been tough.

Have you ever even tried to program a computer?

I barely know how to turn one on.

Say, as long as I have a real computer expert on, do you have some basic computer tips for me and our listeners?

Oh, a public service like that would be really ethical, like a 2.5 or even a 3 on the ethicability scale.

What a good idea.

Here are some basic tips for the computer novice who is hoping to one day write code that advances us closer to the singularity.

Tip 1.

Computers can make you angry.

Anything can make you angry.

Computers are anything.

Tip 2.

Is your computer plugged in?

That's probably illegal.

You need a license to plug in a computer.

Tip 3.

Computer programs are a lot like humans.

They're full of bugs, mostly theoretical and invented by overly caffeinated, lonely people in dark rooms.

Tip 4.

Did I say that thing about the stars already?

Yes.

Oh, good.

Tip 5.

Create a strong password.

The most secure password possible is, you'll never guess guess this, where the O is replaced with a zero, and the L's are replaced with zeros, and all of the other letters are replaced with zeros.

A string of 19 zeros is the most secure password.

I added an exclamation point at the end of my password.

Exclamation points are impossible to hack.

You are very secure.

Tip 6.

There are two main types of computers.

The first are PCs or personal computers.

Personal computers know your name and things about your life and are casual and friendly.

Sometimes they're overly personal and you end up having to say, this is all too much.

Back off computer.

The second type of computer is the house cat.

These are ambulant robotic quadrupeds used by the secret police to monitor our domestic behavior and try to understand why people like to stroke robots and talk in high voices to them.

This has been very helpful.

Thank you for saying that.

I love to be helpful.

This trial has been so challenging, and everyone is upset.

These days, I don't feel helpful.

These days, I feel kind of useless, and it gets me down.

Oh, I know that feeling.

You know, sometimes when I'm sad, I like to sing old hymns to myself.

Me too.

Which one's your favorite?

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire.

Cause I am a champion.

And you're gonna hear me roar.

That's my favorite passage from the Old Testament.

I feel better already.

Oh, thanks, Melanie.

I'm sorry.

I didn't catch your name.

Goodbye.

The mayor's office reports that perhaps their earlier call for not being alarmed was a bit premature, and that we could all stand to be a little more alarmed.

Several dead animals have been found all over town, on sidewalks, in trees and fields, animal corpses everywhere.

This has happened before, listeners.

Many of you remember the glowing cloud, all hail, that passed through Night Vale years ago, dropping dead animals on all of us.

And since that first terrifying and bloody visit, the Glow Cloud, I'll bow before the Mighty Cloud, has since settled down as a citizen of this town, even joining the school board, as the Glow Cloud's child attends Nightvale Elementary.

It's hard to believe that the Glow Cloud, all praise the malevolent cloud who rules my every puny desire, etc., etc., would return to such dreadful acts of violence against animals.

and rooftops.

But again, it's hard to know why anyone does anything.

John Peters, you know, the farmer, standing out in his freshly sown field of imaginary corn near his pastures, said he saw a couple of mangled squirrels and expired possums.

He added, I seen them strangers too.

The ones what don't move sep for their breathing.

Just breathing and breathing and sometimes getting a little closer than you think they were a second ago, despite not looking like they were even moving.

He also said he finally received a card from his brother, Jim, who left town nearly 40 years ago to fight in the Blood Space War.

The message inside simply read, Happy 12th birthday, little brother.

Only three months into my mission, and I'm already missing you something fierce, Johnny.

John covered his face and pointed to one of the strangers out on the edge of the cornfield.

Yeah,

it's definitely them strangers what's killing these animals.

John then began weeping and clutching the birthday card.

On it, a farmer caricature holding balloons and a caption reading, I love you, cows, you're my brother, tightly to his heaving chest.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Today's show is brought to you by Papa John's.

At Papa John's, we make pizza with only the freshest ingredients using old-world old-world recipes passed down from our family's many generations of pizza makers.

Nearly all of these pizza makers are still alive, making pizza and passing down recipes.

They live in the back.

We're running out of room for them.

We've long given up on thinking they'd eventually die.

Why don't they die?

I mean, we love them.

But there are close to 50 people in our family dating back to at least the 1800s, their bodies aging and failing, but not ever, you know, dying.

Perhaps it's our secret recipes causing that.

You'd think so, but it's not.

Because a few members of our family have actually passed away.

Although, now that we're thinking about it, those were public executions for treason back during the First World War.

And another couple were car accidents.

Maybe it is the sauce.

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And now a look at traffic.

They met through a mutual acquaintance.

They shook hands and met eyes.

Over food and drinks and among friends, they laughed and told stories.

Occasionally, their eyes lingered.

Occasionally, one looked away first.

They shared a brief but quiet and private moment on the front porch.

It was getting late.

People were leaving.

It was a new moon that night.

Neither would remember that part.

One of them said goodbye as they headed to their car.

The other said goodbye back.

They hugged, both thinking in that short embrace about the other's body against their own.

about the topography of forgiveness, and the geography of tomorrow.

See you again soon, I hope.

Yes, you too.

They parted as the one drove away.

Later the other drove away.

It was a fun party with good friends, good food and drinks.

They would remember the laughing and the stories.

They would not remember the moon or the name of the other.

It wouldn't come up again.

They later met other people and still other people.

Later they would drive home and drive home.

They never met again.

They both lived meaningful lives, laughing, drinking, eating, and driving home.

This has been traffic.

While officers from the Sheriff's Secret Police are now responding to a series of power outages and broken water mains, witnesses have reported a strange sight.

at the city's dog park.

Hooded figures, which are sometimes glimpsed inside the dog park, were all lined up outside the dog park, as if standing guard.

A long row of dark cloaks and hoods, humming and chanting.

Witnesses kept a great distance from this scene, simply noting the hooded figures were all of equal height and imposing stature, spaced evenly around the forbidden municipal park.

The sidewalks in front of them were empty, except for one young couple and their dog, who walked slowly past the sentries, unperturbed by the presence of these eldritch figures emanating a crescendo of white noise.

Witnesses watched the couple stroll past the park, turn a corner, and disappear from sight.

The witnesses reported that just around that corner where the couple had walked, was a different person.

A stranger, staring right back at the witnesses.

They did not recognize the person, for the person had no noticeable features.

The stranger did not appear to move, except for its steady breathing.

No single witness saw the stranger move, but suddenly it was closer to the crowd of onlookers, merely feet away from them.

One of the witnesses said, We should run away.

Another agreed, yes, let's run away.

They did not go anywhere.

And now,

let's check in on the weather.

World dressed, but

walking in the wrong direction,

Louisiana,

my deserted road

always led straight

back into you.

Ha ha ha

goes the train I wanted to leave, but here I am again,

Louisiana.

I don't remember, I don't remember ever shaking hands with

you know

who

when I was alive,

lived despite the law.

Now the law has buried me many,

many times.

It's built a freeway

all around my bed.

I saw it once open

its great mouths wide.

But it was so full of afflicted houses and buildings.

I can't remember what it was saying.

World dressed well.

Some of us are that is the ones who know how that is.

Some of us are that is the ones who know how that is, that is, that is, that is.

I read about you and came home to find another

Staring deep into

the dark dark.

Where

I should start,

begging me not

to give my social security number to

anybody else.

It goes the sound of everywhere.

Ha ha ha ha ha

goes the train

High

goes the train

Well just

far

walking

one

I don't wanna go blind

You

do the loop

all

through

the loop,

Do

it

all

Do to do

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim, though that water looks nice.

you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

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It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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If you can hear me, Night Vale, it is because you are one of those still with electricity or whose home is not on fire.

Oh, breaking news, there are a bunch of fires across town.

They are spreading from home to home.

Fire chief, Ramona Incarnacion, said that she believes the fires were started by the neglect of common but dangerous things like kitchen ranges, candles, cigarettes, and bloodstones.

Incarnacion said, the strangers are appearing at doorways and in windows and inside showers and from behind refrigerators, just staring and breathing and otherwise not moving.

Upon seeing these strangers, the residents of those homes became frozen in fear and thus incapable of tending to their flammable items.

Never leave a bloodstone unattended, nightvale, Incarnacion cautioned.

Mayor Dana Cardinal finally relented to the sheriff's request to try to round up the strangers.

Sheriff Sam responded with a jumping heel heel click and a, you won't be sorry, Mayor, as they ran out to start making arrests.

Sam has long held that the strangers are just troublemakers who've moved here from the collapsed town of Desert Bluffs, our former neighbors.

But upon arriving at several of the burning homes, Sam began to have a change of mind, or belief.

These strangers were not from Desert Bluffs at all.

These strangers, Sam now believes, are something else.

They're not from here, Sam said.

Not here meaning nightvale, but here!

Sam then indicated the broadness of the term here by swinging their arms slowly to indicate the entirety of the tangible world we all pretend to know and understand.

The secret police, instead of arresting or detaining or even getting near the strangers, began to move the petrified residents of each of these homes safely away to an undisclosed location.

Which I assume means the same thing as a safe location since the Secret Police are law enforcement professionals.

The strangers never moved other than their steady breaths, even when they sometimes appear dramatically closer than they were before.

The strangers seem to have no goal other than to threaten our well-being, Night Vale.

Sam explained wordlessly, using only a long ribbon and floor dance routine to express the dire situation we are all facing.

My secret police and I will work to serve and protect you.

Secretly, of course.

This is off the record.

In the meantime, stay in your homes and lock your doors.

If you see a stranger, keep moving.

And call us.

We're an unlisted number, actually, so maybe email, Sam said with a flick of their ribbon and a double somersault.

Nightville, I.

I think back to the words of Little League coach and ghost Lucia Tereshchenko.

They're no longer coming.

They're here.

And we cannot stop something that wants nothing.

And I think of the image of that young couple and their dog blithely passing the row of fearful hooded figures.

No doubt it was Maureen.

And that boy.

And that beagle.

Maureen is such a good kid.

And that beagle?

So, so cute.

So cute.

But I fear for whatever it is she and that boy and that dog are involved in.

Eid our sheriff tonight, Night Vale.

Stay safe in your home.

Get away fast if you see one of them.

Stay tuned next for words ordered intentionally and confidently.

Saying something, understanding nothing.

And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Ooh, maybe lock those windows too.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Melanie Pennington was was Molly Quinn.

Original music by Disperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Well Dressed by Hop Along.

Find out more at hopalongtheband.com.

Comments?

Questions?

Email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

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We really appreciate it.

Today's proverb, call me old-fashioned, but I believe there should be only one continent.

Why am I reading the credits?

Because sometimes you forget to record your wife before she leaves on a month-long tour.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, we're Meg Bashmaner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost.

The episode of The X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

And also, the really good episodes, too.

What can we learn from the best and worst of great television?

Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.