74 - Civic Changes

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye.

Remember that you are a beautiful person.

You're a weird-looking tree, but you're a beautiful person.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Hello, listeners.

To start things off, I've been asked to reread this brief notice.

The City Council announces that no changes will be made to the dog park at the corner of Earl and Somerset near the Ralphs.

They would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the dog park.

People are not allowed in the dog park.

It is possible you will see hooded figures in the dog park.

Do not approach them.

Do not approach the dog park.

The fence is electrified and highly dangerous.

Try not to look at the dog park and especially do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures.

The dog park will not harm you.

The dog park is as it always was.

Shut up about the dog park, the city council added in handwriting to the the bottom of the notice.

This reminder of city rules is apparently in response to recent complaints by Nightvale citizens over the secretive and exclusive nature of the dog park.

And these complaints are apparently in response to recent activity by certain community radio hosts and local scientists who surreptitiously used the dog park to go back and forth between Nightvale and a desert otherworld and then

announced said activity to everyone over the airwaves.

Apparently.

I'm not sure.

I mean, I'm not sure of anything, really.

Who knows?

I don't.

Let's have a look now at sports.

The Night Vale High School Scorpions already have their first district win of the season without actually having played a single district game.

This Friday's football game against fierce rival Desert Bluffs has been forfeited by the Vultures because of lack of funding.

Desert Bluffs has been in a steep year-long recession.

I mean, it's an awful city, but it's hard not to feel bad.

The town is facing record unemployment and major setbacks in city programming after the buyout and subsequent major restructuring last year of the only employer in town, Strexcorp.

DBHS has had to cut their athletic programs as well as all music, history, trial mocking, and math classes.

Next week, the Nightvale Scorpions take on the Pine Cliff Lizard Monitors, who are coming off last year's successful 9-in-1 season, which was due in large part to all of their players being ghosts, and thus thus extremely difficult to tackle.

The Scorpions will need a lot of luck as they will be without star running back Malik Herrera this season.

After last year's scandal in which it was revealed he wasn't real, Herrera quit football to pursue his dreams of becoming a conceptual artist.

His current medium is wood carvings on living trees.

He's been at work in the whispering forest along the east side of Nightvale, etching phrases like, like, you look nice today and, I have always loved you, into some of the cedar trunks.

The Whispering Forest usually lures humans with compliments and then subsumes them, turning them into trees as well.

But since Malik doesn't actually exist, he's immune to such pressure.

Oh, guess what?

We have a new intern.

She's been with us the past couple of weeks, handling our social media.

I'm kind of an old fossil and I'm not really good at things like the internet.

Oh,

in fact,

I think I've long since let my license to use a computer expire.

But new intern Danielle has really picked up the slack, transcribing my work emails and my Hannibal fan poetry onto a Tumblr page.

Intern Maureen used to do all that, but since she left, I've had to lean on Danielle for all of her expertise.

Good work, Danielle.

Oh, speaking of which, with the current controversy at the dog park, I'm going to need you to go down there and report on what's happening.

Danielle is in the producer's booth, shaking her head.

No.

Danielle, you look horrified.

This is an easy story.

Huh?

Uh-huh.

Oh, she's she's writing something down.

Okay.

Danielle just held her hand up to the plexiglass.

She's written on her palm in black marker.

This position regularly puts interns in harm's way, and I would like to remain at my desk where I am safe.

I don't want to die.

The dog park is not safe.

Please understand and respect my concerns.

Sincerely, Danielle.

Danielle also has extremely legible handwriting and large palms.

Okay.

Okay.

I understand that, Danielle.

I think you're overreacting.

The last time I sent an intern to report a story at the dog park, she became mayor.

But okay.

You do your thing.

Well, it sounds like we're getting our first eyewitness reports from the dog park.

We have on the phone right now, John Peters.

You know, the farmer.

John, are you at the dog park right now?

Howdy, Cecil, I sure am.

What's happening down there?

Are people demonstrating?

Is it peaceful?

That all depends on your definition of peaceful, Cecil.

I'm looking right now at these people.

They're all in a long row, standing upright and perfectly still.

Mayhaps a slight sway to each individual in the breeze, but otherwise perfectly planted and stoic.

They're all so quiet, not a single sound, except some incidental rustling, the mundane din of physical existence, that sort of thing, but not a word's being spoken.

This is amazing.

I am so proud of our town taking a non-violent approach towards civic change.

This reminds me of the classic sit-ins where protests.

Well, like I said, Cecil, they ain't sitting per se.

They're all totally upright.

Okay, sure.

I know.

I just meant.

Well, you should say what you mean.

That's a famous quote.

You know who said that?

Well, I know Lewis Carroll wrote.

Nope.

Oh, uh, who said it then?

Now there are birds soaring above, lots of blackbirds circling the rows of silent citizens.

The birds are calling and landing on some of them.

There's one citizen in particular who's standing on a wood pike, his arms spread wide, his head cocked a bit to the side.

He's wearing a straw hat and a smile of unnatural geometry.

His eyes are solid black and seem to be protruding from his rough face.

The birds are avoiding this particular man.

I think perhaps he's the leader of these people, as he also stands perfectly still, perfectly silent.

He is so stoic,

so strong.

Cecil.

Yes,

John.

Cecil, I'm looking straight at the sun right now.

Oh, John, don't do that.

That's bad for you.

So beautiful.

It is so beautiful, it hurts.

Uh, John.

Oh, here comes the cloud.

That is such a relief.

So are the people at the dog park carrying signs of any sort?

Are they wearing t-shirts with slogans?

Uh, anything like that?

They're just all green and leafy, rising from the dirt.

Little tufts of brownish hair on top.

Some of the birds are pecking at their faces now, eating the bulbous golden flesh hidden beneath.

Shoo!

Get going, you birds!

Good.

I think the birds are leaving.

Oh, nope, they're just circling back to some other people further away.

Oh, now they're eating them other folks' heads.

Oh, it's brutal, Cecil.

It's just brutal.

John, wait, are you in a cornfield?

Well, it sounds an awful lot like a cornfield.

I don't want to get into an argument with you about semiotics, Cecil, but I know what I see.

Thanks for the update, John.

Oh, you bet, Cecil.

Always nice to talk to you.

Get going, you birds.

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To deal with the controversy surrounding the no dogs or people in the dog park policy, Mayor Dana Cardinal...

Oh, hey, Danielle, that's the former intern I was talking about.

You sure you don't want to go write a dog park story?

Oh, okay, fine.

Has sent her director of emergency press conferences, Pamela Winshall, to deliver an emergency press conference.

Here is what she had to say.

Today is an important day in our city's history.

Today, citizens of Nightvale have spoken.

And they have said something.

I wasn't paying attention.

I can't hear and see and understand every single thought or feeling everyone is having at every single moment.

Someone is always trying to explain things to me.

Put the car in reverse to go backwards.

Don't point that gun at me, Pamela.

Greenland is mostly ice, whereas Iceland is actually Ireland, misspelled.

Always someone over my shoulder telling me how to do something, or someone on my shoulder crying, or someone below my shoulder in a headlock.

It's just too much for me to take in.

So some of you are against the dog park or maybe you are against the people against the dog park.

I don't know.

Who can tell?

Maybe you're against dogs who are parking.

Why would dogs park?

Dogs can't drive.

Wait.

Did you mean dogs barking?

Are you against the dog bark?

Oh, yeah, I'm with you on that.

There is nothing worse than an idiot dog voicing its idiot opinion.

Keep it to yourself, King Charles.

Nobody asked.

Well, maybe someone did.

I once asked a dog, who's a good girl?

And it was silent.

It didn't know, or it didn't want to say.

Either possibility makes me sad.

I'm still sad about this.

Let's have a moment of silence for my sadness.

Okay, I'm still sad though.

But the sadness sits better with me.

Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to think about being sad?

It's true.

No questions.

I'm taking no questions.

We're done here.

Oh, before I forget, Cecil, can we move our coffee date from Tuesday to Wednesday?

I have a dental appointment Tuesday.

I'd almost forgot why it originally called.

Call me back, okay?

Oh, I guess that was just a voicemail from Pamela, not a press conference.

Never mind.

And now an update on the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralphs.

The group of huddlers that meet at the hole and huddle have now taken up nestling.

We're done huddling, said a spokesperson for the group.

No one knows who these former huddlers, current nestlers are, nor their regularly scheduled nestling times, just that they like to nestle in the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralphs.

They also like it when other people come join them.

They formerly enjoyed huddling, but now their new thing is nestling.

Come nestle with us.

Their press release reads.

What's the worst that could happen?

We don't know, and we'd like to find out, it concludes.

A spokesperson for the group issued a new statement just now.

Do not assume we like nestling or dislike huddling.

Nestling just is.

Huddling just was.

This

is

everything.

The statement reads.

So, go nestle.

Also, Ralph's is a proud sponsor of our station, so maybe get some shopping done as well.

Um,

probably

do the shopping part first.

We're getting word that the people at the dog park have begun shouting at the hooded figures who inhabit the dog park.

They are shouting things like, I do not like the dog park policy, and please, can my dog and I come play in the park, and that's a nice park.

Some of the dog owners have begun holding up spit-soaked tennis balls and well-chewed frisbees, and they are demanding that they be let into the dog park so that they may get some exercise with their loving and loyal canine companions.

One of them even shouted, My dog has to pee really badly, see?

And then they pointed at their dog.

And the dog was shifting its weight nervously from leg to leg, its eyes anxious and its cheeks obviously flush underneath the dark fur.

In response to this heightened civil disobedience, Mayor Cardinal announced that she and the city council will hold a meeting today to discuss their various options for changing the dog park policy.

The city council, speaking in unison, said they hated this idea.

And then they sent a dozen or so helicopters across the city of Nightvale, spraying every citizen with sedatives.

Well,

it sounds like maybe some headway will be made at the dog park.

I hope it is soon.

As things have gotten confrontational, I hope that.

better

take us

before I drift off

to the

web

The only thing that I dream of is for you to be dreaming of me

And the only thing that I long for is beat along obsessively.

Doesn't everybody want to be adult sometimes?

That's all we're looking for, even though I know there's so much more to love.

I try not to laugh at the people who think love is a beautiful dance,

but she keeps losing the rhythm, And he got a rip on his pants

Is keeping together stroke by stroke In the same possibility

And trying not to let the other drown We get distracted so easily

This is a very strange love song that's written by me.

And if there's one thing you've learned by not to love you, but oddly,

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

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Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Good news.

That sedative-assisted midday nap left me well rested and full of Vim and Pep.

Oh, more good news.

After hours of meetings between the mayor and the city council, the dog park has been officially opened up to use by dogs.

A first in its three years of existence.

There are some rules and guidelines for dog park usage, of course, as outlined just now by the City Council.

First, anyone wishing to take their dog to the dog park must have a dog.

Second, dog owners must submit proper paperwork proving that they are blood related to their dog.

Third, after a municipal review committee approves the application, a hooded figure will take the dog into the dog park and play with the dog, using city-approved frisbees, sticks, and balls.

Dog owners may not accompany the hooded figures during this time and will be safely packed away in styrofoam containers for the duration of the dog park program.

The city council added that there will be a slight bump in gasoline taxes to pay for this new program.

Also, they will be building new, higher obsidian fencing around the dog park.

They added that dogs who go into the dog park as part of this new program will not be returned to their owners.

Finally, they've hired Troy Walsh Landscaping to plant new white lily gardens around the perimeter of the dog park.

Troy is sure great at everything he does, so that should be real pretty.

Well, good job, Nightvale.

It's a small step forward, but your voices were heard.

So often we think that politics is just arguing about who should pretend to be president, but real change starts here at home, with your streets and neighborhoods and communities.

I'm proud of the great work done by our citizens today.

We all came together over an issue important to the people and we were heard by our leaders.

How inspiring.

As the old saying goes, horses leave hoof prints on your heart.

That That doesn't have anything to do with togetherness or change.

It's just a warning that horses are dangerous and will try to kill you.

Know that, and you can accomplish anything.

Stay tuned next for a review of the popular new film, Unedited CCTV Footage, Sitco 4172, Left Rear Cam.

And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of John Peters, you know, the farmer, was Mark Gagliarti.

The voice of Pamela Winchell was Desiree Birch.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was I Love You Oddly by Rebecca Angel.

Find out more at rebeccaangel.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

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Today's proverb: the word motel is an amalgam of the words hotel and murder.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

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Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast, in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

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You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

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These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

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