70A - Taking Off

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Woecast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

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We all have to start somewhere.

We all have to end somewhere too, but let's concentrate on the other thing.

Welcome to.

Well,

welcome to a desert otherworld.

We should come up with a better name for this place.

Names are, after all, extremely important.

Hi, I'm your radio host, Kevin.

I'm speaking to you from our brand new station, and this is our inaugural broadcast.

I'm so excited to be back on the air.

I'm not sure we have any listeners yet but we will.

We will.

Later in the show, we'll be talking to Doug and Alicia, leaders of the army of masked giants who roam this desert and who have been instrumental in building our new city.

They've been so welcoming to us outsiders.

Not all outsiders, though.

They are, after all, a violent and territorial army.

But some outsiders.

People like me and like my friend, Carlos.

He's a scientist.

He's a beautiful man who does beautiful things.

I have Carlos on the phone with us right now with some breaking news.

Carlos, tell everyone about the huge project you've been working on this past year.

Hi, Kevin.

Thanks for having me on the show.

So first off, Doug and Alicia are here in my kitchen.

Alicia built a refrigerator from some cactus pads, twine, and three different kinds of birds.

And now they're making a bunch of pasta salad for lunch this week.

They'll save some for you if you'd like.

How delightful!

I'm totally disgusted by pasta salad.

Can't stand the taste or the smell.

In fact, to look at it causes me to heave.

But thank you.

That's so kind.

Right.

So this new experiment, and I have to tell you, I am really excited about it.

You know how our cell phones always work in this desert otherworld, even though there are no towers and how they never seem to run out of battery?

Yes, I love taking these facts for granted.

Well, I'm on the verge of uncovering what's causing that.

Here in my laboratory, which Doug and Alicia and one of the other soldiers whose name is.

built for me.

I've been hard at work pacing about in front of a row of conical flasks, beakers, and Y-tubes, furiously writing Greek letters and Arabic numbers, and I think later today I will make an enormous breakthrough.

What did you find out?

I can't say yet.

I'm just waiting on my computer to finish calculating the

Everything

window.

The other giant soldiers are running into formation outside.

I need to see what's wrong.

While Carlos checks on our favorite soldiers, let's get an update now on the roller coaster inhabitants.

I'm referring to the roller coaster Doug and Alicia built for our new town months ago.

It looks terribly fun.

It has a tall first hill and a 90 degree drop-off that is almost 600 feet, I'm told.

And then it goes into a series of loops and turns and figurates and then some spirals where the riders go upside down several times per second.

And then there's a sheet of flames that as you approach, it looks like you're about to go right through the fire, but at the last second, the track spirals again and you go through the fire upside down.

Anyway, it's an exciting looking ride.

I haven't been on it yet.

That's because after they started it on its first trip, they haven't been able to stop it.

They didn't invent brakes, so

that's an issue.

And even though they cut the power to the ride, it's still going with the same passengers.

caught in an interminable cycle of fun.

Oh, we have Carlos back on the line again!

Carlos?

Doug and Alicia are gone.

It turns out that the commotion was over another army marching along the horizon.

Doug and Alicia ran screaming around the house and through the kitchen, overturning my cutting board and grabbing their weapons.

Alicia took my chef's knife and Doug made a makeshift slughorn out of one of my large funnels so that he could call their army to action.

Good for them.

Protecting our community.

No, but

I was trying to explain that the other army was marching perpendicular to us.

They were not marching towards us.

This desert is filled with small armies always marching in different directions.

We we can't attack them all for no reason.

And now my kitchen counter is demolished.

Oh, it'll grow back.

So

I'm so excited to learn more about your research into the strange properties of this region.

I think you once called this desert otherworld the most scientifically interesting community in the U.S.

Well, no, my exact words were.

So, when do you expect the results?

Sounds like whatever you come up with could possibly be a monumental shift in how we perceive thermodynamic laws.

Well, I'm at my lab right now, hunched over my computer, waiting for it to complete its final report, then comparing its results to my thousands of handwritten notes from the past year.

I believe I can pinpoint the exact source of this desert's energy.

It shouldn't be long.

Please don't rush me.

Great.

Let us know soon, though.

While Carlos does that, perhaps I can tell you all a little bit about our new radio station.

Take you on an audio tour, if you will.

We have a tall broadcast tower made of stones and adobe.

Those zigzaggy electrical bolts visibly shooting outward from the top of the tower, those are actual radio waves.

Inside the building itself, we have a small broadcast booth with a couple of new mics.

Some of the members of the Masked Army of Giants helped me decorate my studio too.

It was so empty and bloodless before.

It required a lot of lizards and rodents, but it's finally starting to feel like home.

I've got a producer's booth just off to my right.

I can see my old intern Vanessa in there.

Hi, Vanessa!

We're a bit understaffed, so Vanessa has been having to act as my producer, as well as head of sales and marketing, and even answering phones.

Good thing she has a doppelganger to help out.

Most people kill their double, but that's such a waste of a good opportunity.

The more, the merrier, the more productive, I say.

Oh, and we're hiring right now.

If you have experience in any of the following areas, ad sales, graphic design, office management, entomology, Fortran programming, falconry, or sports law, please send your resume to radio station care of Kevin.

We have no postal service in the desert otherworld, nor any mailboxes, so it's important that you carefully reread The Secret by Rhonda Byrne in order to wish your resume into my office.

Sounds like Carlos is back on the line now.

Did you get the results from your

Doug and Alicia are back?

Oh good!

So wonderful to have dear friends around to be a part of your brilliant achievement.

Yeah, but they are in no condition to celebrate the great strides of scientific study right now.

Most of the army returned from fighting, but there are more than a dozen who did not.

Alicia lost two fingers, and Doug is bleeding quite badly because of a compound fracture in his forearm.

Everyone who returned is in treatable condition.

I believe they'll be fine, but they're wounded and need lots of rest.

And no more fighting for a long time.

It's a mess over here.

Good thing they have such a good and helpful friend in you.

So, tell us about your study on the strange energy here in the desert.

I can't yet.

The army came in so quickly, dropping their weapons everywhere, along with some detached limbs that I don't even think belong to them.

And all of my journals, which I had left out and open on my desk, have been rendered unusable.

There are broken beakers and blood-soaked composition notebooks everywhere.

I don't even know where to begin cleaning up all of this blood.

I'm sorry, did you just say something?

Nope.

just

like your story.

Carry on.

Doug, Doug, Doug, come back.

Kevin, I have to go.

Doug just constructed a makeshift splint out of rocks and snakes.

He just grabbed his axe and ran out the back door.

Ugh, and there goes Alicia.

Stop going to war.

You need rest.

Call you back, Kevin.

They can't go on like this.

Listeners, I'm getting word of strong winds out of the east.

Stirring up dust devils and hurling plant debris and weak-willed animals through the air.

This is a rare, sunless day for our Otherworld desert.

While Carlos tries to get his notes unbloodied,

let's have a closer look at the weather.

Tell me, Mark, Margaret,

what is coming down the striver?

You've been watching so much longer now than I.

Do you know, Margaret,

just what will this day deliver?

Does it work out tooth for tooth and eye for eye?

Started stacking up the stones the very day that you were born.

No matter how you grew,

they would tower above you.

You could change your name, move all the way to sunny California.

But when you start your life anew,

does that long shadow follow you?

Who was it, Margaret, that chose to resurrect you here for me in scattered lines of poetry?

This distant, wistful girl I see reflected in your eyes.

Forgive me, Margaret,

all the ways I am mistaken.

All the liberties I've taken.

I projected you in costumes I don't think were quite your size.

Now here I'm climbing up these stones a hundred years from where you were born.

Looking for someone

that could take me to you.

I have traced these roads drove past your home in Burbank, California.

You were not inside.

You found a better place to hide.

And tell me, Margaret,

when I'm gone,

what will I want

to be left at the bottom of a garbage bin, or dusted off, and pulled up onto stage?

Will it please me when someone lights a candle and says my name?

Will I say, leave me in my pyramid, Blow out the flame and close the lid?

This story's done.

Why can't we turn the page?

At the bottom of a garbage bin

The bottom of a garbage bin

At the bottom of a garbage bin

The bottom of a garbage bin

At the bottom of a garbage bin

At the bottom of a garbage bin

At the bottom of a garbage bin

At the bottom of a garbage bin

Leave me in my pyramid

Just leave me in my pyramid

Will it please me when someone lights a candle and says man

Will it please me when someone lights a candle and says mine?

Will it please me when someone lights a candle and says mine?

Will it please me when someone lights a candle and says mine?

Will it please me when someone lights a candle and says mine?

Will it please me when someone lights a candle and says mine?

Please me

when someone lights a candle

says my name

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veeve or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Grease to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Wow!

That weather report was informative!

I had no idea how dangerous a storm that was until I heard that report.

To be a radio broadcaster who gets to tell stories about things that make us unhappy thrills me to my bones.

Because by telling people about all that can make us unhappy, I prepare them to truly enjoy those happy moments when they come.

Once, my hometown of Desert Bluffs had a deadly outbreak of throat spiders.

Hundreds were diagnosed with this usually treatable disease, but it was a particularly virulent strain, and many people died or were left without voices and lower jaws when it was all over.

Almost a day wouldn't go by where you didn't hear a fit of strenuous coughing punctuated by a muffled pop, only to turn around

and see a cascade of tiny spiders pouring over the craggy ledge that used to be a person's lower teeth.

Each day, I got to report these upsetting stories.

But the best part about it was when Desert Bluff's residents eventually stopped losing part of their faces to throat spiders, and we all rejoiced in our newly healthy and happy lives.

As the saying goes, it's always dawn.

Oh,

and speaking of sunshine, Carlos just arrived here, live in the studio with me.

Carlos,

did you go out in this weather?

You're covered in dust, and those look like friction burns in the shape of lab goggles on your face.

Are you okay?

Did Doug and Alicia make it back?

Not yet.

They.

What is this all over your studio?

Is that barbecue sauce?

Oh, that?

That's just blood.

And some old bones and loose teeth and beaks and things.

I finally decorated.

Thanks for noticing.

And I

just noticed you have a piece of paper in your hand.

That must be your final report.

Look at how we both notice about each other.

I love that.

I...

I, um...

Well.

You sound sad.

Which is great news because it means you'll be happy again eventually.

It's a tough day.

What with all the weather and the wars and the blood?

But your...

Boyfriend will soon be moving from Nightvale to come live here with you.

Well, um,

about that.

And and

you finally had the scientific results of your hard scientific work.

I don't.

I don't have results, Kevin.

When the army marched out again, I went back to trying to recover my notes.

I had just gotten the lab desktops clean when Nalisha's large dog bounded through the lab and out the front door, sending every glass tube and jar crashing onto the floor.

When I bent over to see the damage, I saw my computer there too, just on the tile snapped nearly in half.

A tuft of white fur covering the keyboard, singed slightly by the smoke streaking out of the broken monitor.

I lost it all, Kevin.

My entire year of study is gone.

What's the paper then?

Did you at least learn some of your results?

This is nothing.

It's just a letter I wrote to a

friend.

Oh, I I love letters!

Letters are so fun to receive!

Not this one.

It's a sad letter.

A letter about regrets, about mistakes.

You know how sometimes you spend a lot of time with someone and you think that someone makes you happy, but then suddenly one day you realize maybe you weren't happy at all.

Maybe you both would be better off doing what you love in different places without each other.

Maybe neither of you were as happy as either of you thought.

That is a sad-sounding letter.

I don't understand or like that at all.

I have spent the last year all wrong.

I believe in you, Carlos.

Don't let destruction, blood, and war hold you back.

You're a brilliant scientist.

I realize I need to just start everything over.

Rededicate myself.

I need to do it right this time.

No more distractions.

I can't spend another year like this one.

So

it pains me to carry this letter, but

I wrote it to set my boundaries.

So you know, there's no postal service here yet.

I know.

Um, that's why I'm hand-delivering it.

Oh.

Remember, no one should ever be sad.

Choose not to be sad, Carlos.

In fact, choose to be happy.

Perhaps your letter is the first step to choosing happiness, even while it makes someone else sad.

I understand.

Listen, um, I should go.

I'm headed to Night Vale one final time.

I need to talk to Cecil about.

well.

About some changes.

Thanks for everything, Kevin.

You've been so kind to me in this difficult year.

Goodbye, Carlos.

Well,

it's a shame that our huge scientific breakthrough didn't quite happen today.

As the old phrase goes, the best-laid plans of mice and men are completely different kinds of plans altogether.

Very different creatures, those two.

But it's not a total wash.

Our next show should feature spine-tingling adventure stories about today's desert battles.

We

have so much to do, us.

So much to explore and understand.

So much to make here in our great desert otherworld.

Say, we really do need a name for this place.

Things without names don't really exist.

So

I'm going to call this...

well

I'm going to call it Desert Bluffs!

Desert Bluffs was the name of my hometown, and by naming it Desert Bluffs, this place becomes my new hometown.

We are in my home!

We are in Desert Bluffs, no matter where we are in space or time.

What is a town but a name, right?

Until next time, new desert...

Oh.

It looks like Carlos left behind that letter he was supposed to hand deliver.

I better not read it.

No,

better

not.

Until next time, New Desert Bluffs.

Until next time.

Oh.

Oh no.

This is so sad.

No.

I don't like this.

I am sad.

Welcome to Desert Bluffs is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Kevin was Kevin R.

Free.

The voice of Carlos was Dylan Marin.

Original music by Disparition and Joseph Fink.

Some of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was was Pyramid by Jason Webley.

Find out more at jasonwebley.com and see him play live in the UK and Ireland with the Welcome to Night Vale touring live show.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider throwing money at the computer computer screen.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb, a rose by any other name is called something else.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lovelin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Nightvale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

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Yes, even there.