56 - Homecoming

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It is autumn and nature is vanishing.

It is autumn and nature is beautiful.

Welcome to Night Vale.

It's that time of year again, listeners.

This Friday night is Nightvale High School's homecoming game.

I'm not much of a sports fan, but this is the one game I truly care about.

All of the Nightvale High alumni come together for it.

Everyone.

Current students, former students, students long dead, future students who aren't born yet.

It's the one night we can see our loved ones who have been lost to time and mortality.

The dead alumni come out at halftime, and we all get to visit with them while the marching bands go spear hunting for dinner.

Oh, I can't wait to see my late mother again this Friday night, especially after I found those old cassette tapes last fall.

I have so many questions,

important

questions,

and with Carlos out of town, I've gotten kind of isolated, a little

hermit-like lately.

I need to get out.

This year's homecoming means more to me than ever.

Plus, we're playing the Red Mesa High School Ant Carpenters, who were dreadful last year, so should be a fun night and a big win for our team

team

team

it's a football team right a baseball club a soccer unkindness a hockey murder a football team yes that's it team

And now a public service announcement from the Night Vale Seismological Society, who have released their schedule of upcoming municipally planned earthquakes.

On Sunday, from 8 a.m.

to 8:30 a.m., there will be a small series of minor tremors.

It's likely you will feel nothing, the seismologists say, as these quakes are just to test some new equipment.

At 3 p.m.

on Tuesday, there will be an enormous earthquake, rating upwards of 7 to 8 on the Richter scale.

So wear long sleeves or goggles or gloves, whatever it is you do to be safe during an earthquake.

We're not entirely sure, the Night Vale Seismological Society said.

The following Saturday, be ready for

anything.

They're not sure what's going to happen.

Maybe nothing.

Probably nothing.

But

hopefully something really,

really

cool.

They don't want to get your hopes up, so just be on the lookout, but no promises.

Oh man, fingers crossed.

This could be super amazing, the Night Vale Seismological Society said.

This just in.

There's news breaking of a possible scandal involving one of the Night Vale football players, senior running back Malik Herrera.

According to an investigative report by Leanne Hart of the Night Vale Daily Journal, Herrera doesn't actually

exist.

Like he's right there when you look at him.

And he plays in a team of other players.

So it would make more sense for him to be there than not.

But Hart claims in her report that the all-district running back is, in fact, completely fabricated.

Anonymous sources say that Herrera is collectively imagined by the Nightvale High School fan base, a shared dream.

in the form of a boy who won the district rushing title the past two years and was freshman of the year three seasons ago.

Red Mesa is threatening to cancel this Friday's game if Nightvale does not bench Herrera,

citing District League Rule 12, Article 6, that states, all players must be real people.

Don't not be a person, okay?

The rule continues, because if you're not really real,

man,

I'm mad just thinking about it.

Nightvale High School head coach Nasr al-Mujahid said they will not bench any player until a full investigation is performed, which can't happen until Tuesday.

Maybe.

Monday at the earliest.

Coach al-Mujahid then concluded the statement by removing his goat-horned headpiece and comically large sunglasses, revealing tattoos of cat eyes on his eyelids.

The gathered reporters shouted.

Nightvale.

If there's no game,

there's no homecoming.

If there's no homecoming, we will miss the one chance we have this year to see our lost loved ones.

I will miss the chance to talk to my mother, to see many of my friends,

to

get out for once and not feel so lonely.

We will not have our biggest night of the year to come together as a community.

I hope this scandal is not true

and if it is, that it doesn't,

you know,

ruin anything.

Well, there is at least one old friend I'll get to see.

Listeners, I'm so excited for this next segment.

My old friend, Earl Harlan, is in the studio today.

Earl is the new sous chef at Nightvale's hottest restaurant, Tourniquet.

And he's here to teach us a simple and delicious dessert recipe.

Welcome, Earl.

It's good to see you again, Cecil.

It's been a long time.

Many of you listening may not know this, but Earl and I grew up together.

We fell out of touch for a while, and then he was taken to another world during a Boy Scout ceremony.

But I recently saw his name in the news releases about Tourniquet.

We were very close friends.

We were, Earl.

What happened after high school?

I completely lost track of you.

Well, I turned 19, and then I was 19 for a long time.

I don't even know how long.

I was 19 for longer than I care to admit.

And then one day, I was suddenly a grown-up.

I had a kid and a house and a job.

Some of us mature early, some of us mature late.

It sounds like you had plenty of youth left to live after high school, and you just came to adulthood later.

Cecil, I meant that literally.

I was literally 19 for...

I think it was decades.

Maybe a century or more?

I don't know exactly how long.

Cecil, we graduated the same year, right?

Yeah, of course we did.

I remember our graduation party.

We drank an entire case of warm orange milk and told dirty jokes about the moon until we were frightened off by the sunrise.

What year was that?

Cecil, what year did we graduate?

You don't remember, do you, Cecil?

So tell us about your recipe, Earl.

Okay, sure thing.

Tiramasu is a popular dessert at many restaurants, especially at Tourniquet, but few people make it at home.

Once they hear how easy it is and how delicious Chef Mason's recipe is, they'll want to make it all the time.

They'll want to never stop making tiramisu.

Ooh, sounds good.

Never

stop making it.

They'll lose their minds making it, Cecil.

So, what all do you have here?

What will our listeners need?

Well, everyone should have most of these ingredients already at home.

A carafe of pre-made coffee.

Six eggs.

Go ahead and separate them into whites and yolks.

but make sure to remove organs, teeth, and other debris.

Salt, two tablespoons tablespoons of cocoa, one-third cup of sugar, two cups of marscopone, which is a kind of fish, a package of gluten-free ladyfinger cookies, two ounces of dark rum, and Chef Mason's special culinary touch, one and a half cups of ground nutmeg.

Oh,

I do love nutmeg.

Oh, it's been de-veined, right?

Yes.

You can buy de-veined nutmeg at most supermarkets, but in case you're grinding it fresh at home, make sure to remove the thick vein running up the nutmeg's spine after you kill and clean the animal.

To start, just whisk the egg yolks and one-quarter cup of the sugar in one bowl, and then work in the marscarpone.

Then, in a separate bowl, you'll want to mix the egg whites, a pinch of salt, and the remaining sugar until firm, like this.

That looks easy!

It is.

Mix that into the first bowl and add the coffee and the rum.

Then dip the cookies into the mixture, lay them into a baking dish, cover with your ground nutmeg, and oh dear, Earl.

Um, I feel so silly saying this, but there's no oven here.

I brought a professional chef to do a recipe on my show, and I don't even have a working kitchen.

Relax, Cecil.

We wouldn't have time to completely cook a tiramisu on the air.

It takes hours of slow baking in an earth oven.

I already brought a finished tiramisu.

Earl, how sweet of you!

Oh, this looks delicious.

I can't wait to share it with the staff.

Be careful, it is quite poisonous.

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, thanks for coming on the show, and congratulations on the huge success of Tourniquet.

I hope to get a reservation there soon.

Will you come on the show again with more tasty recipes?

Maybe we can make this a regular cooking feature.

I'd love to, Cecil.

I think we really have something here.

Me too.

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Terrible news, listeners.

Just

terrible news.

Red Mesa High School has called off Friday night's game.

There will be no homecoming.

The campers in RVs that had started to fill up the Nightvale Stadium parking lot have begun to file out.

Malik Herrera, the running back accused of a false existence, apologized for not being more transparent and for letting down his school and community.

The Nightvale School Board forced the team's hand by suspending Herrera for his corporeal unreality, but

it was too late.

The game had already been forfeited.

Our homecoming is no more.

I had so much I wanted to say to my mother.

I imagine all of you had so much you wanted to say to your lost loved ones, to

say to each other.

Imagine all that could have been, and all that is now lost.

Our biggest community event of the year is gone, perhaps because we imagined

too much.

And to make things worse,

a dangerous storm front is moving right now into Nightvale.

You should seek shelter immediately from the imminent rain.

And as a duty of public safety, I must take you now to the weather.

Trying to not be sorrow of the fallen and my tetted past.

Tetted last the 16th of January last year, Maine Ferris last year.

Understated me and mom put in mad years, blood, sweating, controversy, greater felt that wasn't worth it.

But then the same wasn't worth it.

I lived literally for lives of many who got took too early due to others.

For my sister and brother, it's a given that I look up to my parents, so ain't got nothing to be embarrassed about.

So once more, I put on something with a catchy look.

Broadcast started giving us a dirty look.

Like we right here, already been through it.

Let them know it's nothing to it.

We invested through it.

Should be understood.

Right now's our time.

Gotta let alone right now's our time.

We right here.

Alright, been through it.

Let them know it's nothing to it.

We the best to do it.

Never stressing over imperfections.

What I'm learning from life's lessons.

Progressing by working steady.

Lifting tons of awesome say you're heavy.

Over your head, my liver is not for the brain.

Dead.

Vegetables.

This ain't no animal farm.

I don't die with the beauty.

So do you sleep over with sheep that don't blink?

You crooked donkeys disrespecting our craft.

I can see a new horizon.

Can you decapitate in that ass?

I'm a lion running with a pack of wolves.

Commanding my troops to sharpen the middle of swords.

Get ready for war.

My generation is full of aberration.

Our greatest tools are free expression and education.

No, you can't silence it.

Don't wanna hear it.

Because you fear it, but Leo's never blind.

I can see the truth through my third eyes, mind.

Rapping from the future, so I'm never behind.

So once more, I put on something with a catchy hook.

Walked past start giving us a nerdy look Like we right here, already been through it Let them know it's nothing to it, we the best to do it Should be understood right now's our time Gotta let it know right now's our time We right here, already been through it Let them know it's nothing to it, we the best to do it

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it leave your earth to seek to be your worth to the next man who had the best hand played his cards right now?

We living off what used to be your next plan.

Now you sit and just glance at what used to be.

Wide-eyed mind filled with visions that you used to see.

Cut it, don't let your failure show where you can be.

So I slipped up on my path.

Hey, cool with me.

That's why my movement is continuous.

Work is strenuous, but it pays off.

So I take no days off.

Sometimes I phase off to my own zone.

Homegrown to press on till I'm seated on my own throne.

Cold tones in these icy lines.

Write and rhyme so that you can be entwined in this life of mine.

Lost dreams and I grab more.

So, when negativity enters, I throw his ass out the back door.

So, once more, I put on something with a touchy hook.

Walk past start, giving us a dirty look.

Like, we right here, already been through it.

Let him know it's nothing to it, we the best to do it.

Should be understood right now, it's our time.

Gotta let him know right now's our time.

We right here, already been through it.

Let him know it's nothing to it, we the best to do it.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-liter junk.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called it truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

It's been five days, Night Vale, since that weather report began.

It was a historically massive storm, and we needed the ongoing weather coverage.

I hope you are all okay.

I'm looking at some of you right now, and you seem just fine, so

that's good news.

Sadly, the homecoming game remained cancelled.

League officials conducted an investigation into Malik Herrera's reality and determined he was indeed

not

real.

They said he was tangible.

They could feel a body when they touched him.

They could hear a voice when they spoke with him.

They could see a boy when they looked at him.

But Red Mesa coaching staff presented as evidence, a photograph of the many galaxies of our universe.

And after viewing this, league officials determined that Herrera was too immeasurably small to be considered real.

Coach Al Mujahid argued that it is unfair to discriminate against someone based on their

reality.

Just because someone does not exist does not mean they do not deserve equal rights, equal pursuit of happiness.

Even if Al Mujahid and Herrera's appeal holds up in the league, it can't bring back the homecoming we did not get to have.

We did not get to see our dead friends

and

relatives this year, Nightvale.

We had unanswered questions.

We had unfulfilled hugs.

We had unacknowledged I miss you.

We did not get to cry that night the way we wanted to cry that night, Nightvale.

The way that perhaps we want to cry every night.

And even if there had been a game, the rain from the weekend was so monstrous and so intense that it would have been postponed anyway.

There would have been no halftime in that deluge.

But,

in spite of all this,

Coach Al Mujahid called a pep rally last Friday.

In a gesture of support for Malik Herrera.

This, as any time, is when we should join as a town, despite the game that never was.

Students and alumni, unfortunately only those still living, met that night in a rainy parking lot, in the well-lit shadow of an empty football stadium, and we told stories.

Inez Cordova told me about her son, who has started to walk.

Teddy Williams told me he finally rolled a 450 in bowling.

Wilson Levy and Amber Akini whispered the story of their vacation to Luftnarp

last spring.

I told my friend Diane Creighton about Carlos and how much I miss him, but how proud I am of the great work he is doing.

And Diane introduced me to her son, Josh, who is a monarch butterfly.

And later when I saw him, he was a motorbike.

Ah, he's a sweet kid, that Josh.

Everyone was...

sad

and

everything was

perfect.

We stayed late into the night under the fluorescent corona of the bleachers, eating damp barbecue, wearing our orange ponchos and telling those tales we wanted to tell to those loved ones who have left us.

Telling them instead to those who we currently or may eventually love.

Tears were hardly noticeable on our rain-streaked cheeks by the time we said our goodbyes.

Goodbye.

We all said.

You too,

we all replied.

Oh, let's stay in touch, we all added with wildly varying levels of intention.

Before getting into my car,

I saw Malik Herrera

standing alone wearing a full football uniform.

Shoulder pads, knee spikes, and all.

I told him he'll be playing again soon, and we're all on his side, even though he's just a figment of our collective unconscious.

He said,

I don't even like football, sir.

He said he likes painting and found poetry.

I told him

he could be an artist if he wanted.

Only if the town imagines that for me,

he said.

Ah,

You're a real trooper, I told him.

Hmm.

Just a trooper, he said.

I'm not real.

I got to get to practice now, Mr.

Palmer.

Then he put on his helmet and jogged away.

But it's 2 a.m.,

I called out.

But he had already vanished into the unrelenting storm.

It sure is, sir.

He called back faintly in my mind.

I fell asleep easily that night.

I dreamed of sun,

of being with Carlos again,

of a lighthouse that was not a lighthouse, of a world that is not anything at all.

Perhaps a dream

of things yet to come.

Stay tuned next for a radio program that only dogs can hear.

And as always, good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace Books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of Earl Harlan was Will Wheaton.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was understood by YR Generation.

Find out more at yrgeneration.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb.

I've got more rhymes than the Bible's got psalms.

151.

I've got 151 rhymes.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lublin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.