47 - Company Picnic

Hey hey, Jeffrey Kraner from welcome to Night Vale here.

Apart from Night Vale, we make other podcasts.

If you're already a big Night Vale fan, check out Good Morning Night Vale, where cast members Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, and Hal Lublin break down each and every episode.

Or if you're looking for more weird fiction, there's Within the Wires, an immersive fiction podcast written by me and novelist Janina Mathewson.

Each season is a standalone tale told in the guise of found audio.

Finally, maybe you like horror movies or are scared of horror movies but are horror curious, check out Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where me and the voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin talk about a randomly drawn horror film.

We have new episodes every single week.

So that's Good Morning Nightvale Within the Wires and Random Horror 9.

Go to NightvalePresents.com for more or get those podcasts wherever you get your podcasts.

Snow is falling somewhere.

Many things are falling or will fall or have fallen.

But temporary triumph is still still triumph.

Welcome to the Greater Desert Bluffs metropolitan area.

Hello, listeners.

Another day, another broadcast.

Another chance to reach out and commune with you orally.

It has been a couple weeks since we began speaking to you directly, with no filters or reinterpretation in the way.

And we have forgotten all about anything any of you might have done.

StrexCorp is proud to say that we have carefully recorded and cataloged everything you've ever done, and also we've forgotten it all.

Don't worry about it.

Let us worry about it for you.

Without worry, you are free to be as efficient and productive as we all dream of being.

We all dream every night of our jobs and of efficiency and of the deep chasm of consequence and and retribution if we are not as productive as we need to be.

Those recurring dreams are just one of the many ways Strexcorp is happy to fill your waking hours and your timeless sleep.

Since we've consolidated all our community radio stations into one broadcast network, we no longer need to ask why one town is doing what another isn't.

We can stop focusing on our differences and instead focus on our similarities, our commonalities.

For instance, the future.

We all share that, don't we?

We sure do.

Why, hello again, Kevin.

Hi.

Listeners, you know Kevin.

He's the longtime host at Desert Bluffs Radio Incorporated and a new host here on Night Vale Community Radio, where he'll be broadcasting full time.

Welcome, Kevin.

It's nice to finally have you here in the studio.

Thank you, Lauren.

But you know, I don't like the adjectives new or long time.

They suggest there was a past before me.

I am not new.

I am now.

We are all now.

A now that moves forward at a constant speed and direction.

Our present is always becoming the future.

We all have that in common.

We have the future.

And that future is everything.

And it is ours to share.

I am happy to finally be on the air with you all in Night Vale.

I'm happy you're here too, Kevin.

Things have been so good lately, haven't they?

We caught the teenage felon who's been terrorizing the town.

We got our helicopters back.

We brought you here.

All those terrible doors that appeared a couple of weeks ago have suddenly disappeared, and no one can see the lies inside them anymore.

And your producer Daniel tells me that just a few days ago, we arrested a group of five people in lab coats who had been loitering about and trespassing on Cynthia Cabrera's house in the Desert Creek development.

How scary!

Well, that is good news.

Yes, great news.

Or almost great.

There is

one scientist we expected to find there, and we did not find him.

He has such perfect hair.

Think of what would happen if he had agreed to add that perfect hair and those perfect teeth into our resources.

It just makes you want to spit

I'm sorry.

Such a vulgar word.

Let me try that again.

It just makes you want to not smile.

To not smile hard at all when people work against productivity that way.

Oh well, you'll find him soon enough.

We find everyone we look for.

You're just fantastic at our jobs.

It feels good to have a crime-free tomorrow, doesn't it?

It makes any crimes that happen today

feel justified.

Well, Lauren, let's start things off with news about

Strexcorp.

Oh, yay!

In an act that is just super benevolent, Strex is giving all workers a day off today for a company picnic.

Wow, Kevin.

You are right, wow, Lauren.

The company picnic is being held in Mission Grove Park.

So head over there right now, everybody, and look for the balloons and banners.

You have to go there now.

Stop what you're doing and go to the park.

Follow any signs you see and any spoken directives from the uniformed Strex Corps picnic captains.

They're there to make sure you have a good time and that you don't leave the picnic early.

It would be a real shame to leave early from such a welcoming and mandatory picnic.

Head on over right now.

Do it.

Do it now.

And now the community calendar.

Tuesday is work day.

All Strex Corp-owned homes and businesses, which is to say all homes and businesses, should work all day in their most productive and enthusiastic way.

Work is how we all become better people.

You do want to become a better person, right?

You want to be valued?

You want to have value?

You want your value, numerically speaking, to increase?

Then work.

It's workday.

Wednesday is workday.

Keep working, Strex Corp employees.

Don't stop.

Thursday through Sunday are also work days.

Wow, what an exciting and productive week we have coming up here in the Greater Desert Bluffs metropolitan area!

Monday is a lie that someone told you in order to poison you against the idea of starting your work week.

Who told you this lie?

Point them out to us, and we'll make sure that they don't tell you any more lies.

Isn't that nice?

Just honest folks dealing honestly with other honest folks.

Just point out the liar and denounce them.

This has been the community calendar.

Well, the company picnic in Mission Grove is in full swing.

Everyone is exposing their teeth and moving their arms.

There are signs posted showing how to move your face and body to indicate maximum fun.

There are also snacks.

They are on the picnic tables with the paper tablecloths next to the Strex Corp picnic captains.

Don't worry about the friendly officers.

Grab a cupcake.

You've earned it.

If you've done enough work hours, you've earned it.

If you haven't earned however many snacks you take, the picnic captains will let you know.

Unfortunately, it's not all good news, Kevin.

Oh no?

It seems there have been some party poopers who haven't made it to the picnic yet or who have tried to leave early.

But that's okay.

Strix Corp threw this party as a treat for their hard-working employees and also so that they could learn who the party poopers were.

We know the party poopers now, and we're playfully letting them know that they are party poopers.

We are putting heavy stone hats on them that say party pooper until they are agreeable.

It's important to work hard, but it's also important to play hard.

But mostly it's important to work hard.

It's very important to work hard.

It sure is.

So important.

More important than life itself.

It sure is.

We have gotten some questions about this, and yes, of course, the Night Vale mayoral election is still a go for a month from from now.

It turns out that there's no way to stop it once it starts.

All the machines and the pulsing and hidden gorge, there's just no way to turn that off without having an election.

So we're proud to say we're upholding democracy by having that election no matter what.

Both candidates, Hiram McDaniels and the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, released a statement through Strexcorp saying,

We couldn't care less who wins.

The important thing is that Night Vale is well served in its relationship with the Greater Desert Bluffs metropolitan area business community.

This is the key to economic prosperity and a future that is in harmony with a smiling God.

I couldn't agree more.

I just want to vote for both of them.

Me too.

But you can't.

It's very illegal.

Do not try or the law breaking will be dealt with.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Lauren?

Thanks, Kev.

Can I call you, Kev?

No, Lauren.

By no means.

Thanks, Kevin.

Today's sponsor is...

Oh my, looks like it happens to be Strexcorp.

Strexcorp, like dew from the sky.

Like a cloud that dissipates, only to come again as other clouds.

Like the sun.

Like a hate-filled thought that you failed to suppress.

Like biting down on a fistful of sand, like words that once held meaning, like the sun, like an enemy hiding in the depths of your own body, like the enemy that is your own body.

Like a thought you wish you could have but don't, like a smiling god.

Like the sun.

Strexcorp.

Go to sleep.

Wow, that was catchy.

You know, every time I hear the start of one of those ads, I just can't help but hum the rest.

None of us can help that.

None of us have been able to for years.

And now, traffic.

That's right, Lauren.

It's slow and go around the company picnic, as it should be.

Lots of people crowded in there, surrounded by streamers and balloons and volleyball nets that should not be touched or climbed.

The company picnic is where everyone should be.

Plus, Strex Corp has announced, how exciting is this?

They've announced that the company picnic will be continuing on indefinitely.

That the party is so good that they just couldn't bring themselves to end it.

So everyone will live at the company picnic now, in between the streamers and the balloons and the tall, electrified metal volleyball nets.

They will work there too.

They will work there until all the work is done.

Until it is, all of this

finished.

Then we will truly have been productive.

Then, truly, we will have worked hard and played

hard.

This has been traffic.

You know, Lauren, the equipment in this studio is so old-fashioned.

I hardly know how to use any of it.

Nothing like the high-tech equipment we have back home in Desert Bluffs.

But there are many reasons we have to do our broadcasting from here.

It sends a message.

It sure does.

It sends several fun messages for everyone to enjoy.

Anyway, the boys in sales, who are all named Sean, came by, and with their help I was able to make this studio feel a little more like home.

They put up a bit of a fuss about the changes, but that's just because no one likes change.

There are some people who don't understand progress, you know.

I'll miss the Sean's.

I'll miss them too.

But look how much nicer this place looks.

You can see the Sean's contributions all over the desk.

And running down the walls.

Yes, so much nicer.

And now, listeners, a deep rumbling sound, like a giant dragging its prone, misshapen body across baked, waterless earth.

That's my favorite mandatory part of the daily broadcast.

I don't know what it means.

It's so fun!

I hate to break in there, Kevin, but we're getting reports that there's another fuss down at the picnic.

It looks like you're right, Lauren.

Seems like the party is really taking off, doesn't it?

Streamers and cupcakes everywhere.

People are touching the volleyball nets, which they should not do, but they're learning.

Or not them, other people watching them are learning.

Wow, folks down here sure get wild at picnics.

The helpful Strexcorp picnic overseer is explaining to them with bullhorns the best way to express their picnic joy, so the fuss should end pretty soon.

Yes, the overseer is explaining to them.

They're on the ground with their hands over their ears so that they can hear him better.

Their mouths are open.

No one has ever seen smiles quite like that.

What an interesting way to smile.

Their legs are kicking too, like they're still trying to dance.

Oh my.

Well, there's no music, you fantastic silly people.

There's just an overseer explaining how parties work, and how work is the best party of all.

You don't need to wriggle about like that.

You're certainly right.

There is no music at all.

But Kevin, do you know what there is?

What is there, Lauren?

Kevin.

And all listeners out there at the company picnic or illegally huddled in pitiful hiding spots that will be ferreted out,

let's go now to

the weather.

If you weren't so stupid, I could have loved you.

And if you weren't so stupid,

but you're pretty

stupid.

And if you weren't so busy I could have loved you

But you work in an office

And you've got other offers

Tell me what is his name now

What is his name?

I'm excited to hear the news

Tell me what is his name now

What does it say about

you

But let's not

be friends,

or else this will never end.

Let's not

be friends for sure,

for sure.

And if you weren't so ugly, I could have loved you.

It's something I tell myself when down

to get high.

if you made me a coffee, I could have loved you.

And I'd make you hot chocolate

and anything you wanted.

Tell me who is invited, so fucking delighted to see all the boys you see.

Tell me, why don't I fight it?

What does it say about

me?

Let's not

be friends,

or else this will never end.

Let's not

be friends

for sure,

for sure.

We'd have done,

we'd have done.

I have all

the things he's got,

but I'm not

so let's stop

pretend

that there'll be a happy end.

Let's not be friends

for

sure,

for sure.

We'd have done,

we'd have done

the things

he skied.

But I'm not.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veeep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Here we are.

The weather has passed, and we all know that the end of the broadcast is nearing.

But don't worry, there will be another after and another after that, and on and on.

We aren't going anywhere.

The company picnic is settling down into the pleasant work party it was always meant to be.

Those who had been wriggling around and smiling so oddly are now sitting cross-legged on the ground, happily at work.

They will stay at the company picnic now.

Everyone will.

We will all be working from the company picnic so that everything can be organized and there will be no problems.

Listen, we are not completely unaware.

We know that there has been some tension, certain events that everyone regrets, although some regret them more than others.

But we also know that nothing removes tension between rival towns quite like a picnic, a smile, and a song.

Sing louder.

Louder?

Good.

There is a bright future ahead of us.

It is so bright, blindingly bright.

It is a future so filled with painful light that we have no choice but to close our eyes and walk serenely forward.

And so don't worry about where you have come from.

Don't worry about where you are going.

Worry only about where your feet land in the now.

Where are you standing?

And how much work are you getting done where you are standing?

What value are you adding to the world?

What are you worth?

Those are the questions you should ask yourself.

And don't worry if you forget to ask yourself.

There will be people with clipboards who will come by soon to ask them for you.

That's all for today.

Stay tuned next for bountiful blessings from a smiling God.

And so, from me, Kevin.

And from Lauren here in the booth.

As always, until next time, Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area.

Until next time.

Welcome to the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Lauren Mallard is Lauren Sharp.

The voice of Kevin is Kevin R.

Free.

Original music by Joseph Fink.

This episode's Weather Was Stupid by Brendan McLean.

Find out more at brendonmclean.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcome to nightvale.com for more information on this show as well as all sorts of cool nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That'd be cool of you.

Today's proverb.

There's a difference between your, your, and yarn.

Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way, it's a completely different word.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Nightvale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts Hal Lovelin and Symphony Sanders as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.