24 - The Mayor

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the west coast plus the southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Woecast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course, Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

With eight delightfully dark episodes to devour, you'll be drawn into the haunting halls of Nevermore Academy deeper than ever before.

But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday season 2 official Wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

The sun has risen.

You are awake.

This symmetry is not without meaning.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, I'm receiving word from the Sheriff's Secret Police that Mayor Pamela Winchell has gone missing.

After this morning's press conference, where she updated the media on standard mayoral news, stuff like her favorite kinds of rocks and a demonstration on hatchet sharpening, she walked to her office and then disappeared.

Trish Hidge, one of Winchell's staffers, said, Mayors can disappear.

It's not a big deal.

She disappears all the time.

She can fly and turn into a horse too.

It's perfectly within her rights as a mayor to turn invisible.

to disintegrate into a thin cloud of imperceptible existence.

Hidge continued, In fact, I can disappear if I want to.

Because I work for the mayor, I have all of the mayor's powers.

I just don't use them all the time.

Out of respect for the mayor.

When pressed by reporters to show her powers, Hidge reluctantly agreed, saying,

just this once.

And then standing in place, visibly straining, eyes bulging, cheeks cheeks reddening.

There was a long, uncomfortable silence before Hidge said, well, I can't do it with everyone watching.

Turn around, okay?

But then, before anyone could turn around, she vanished, leaving behind only a light, white puff like baby powder.

a faint smell of olives, and an echoing voice that said, no, wait, I got it, see?

If anyone has any information on the mayor's whereabouts, please contact the sheriff's secret police or just speak into any phone.

They are all bugged, of course.

The Night Vale Community Theater is proud to announce the opening of their long-awaited production of Once on This Island.

The location and cast are a secret.

Curtain is promptly at eight o'clock, and those seeking autographs of cast members after the show should ask themselves why signatures are valuable and what that particular kind of transaction even means.

The Night Vale Daily Journal has indicated their intention to review the musical as soon as they can find out where the performances are taking place.

They are interrogating anyone who might provide them with the necessary information.

I am, myself, an aficionado of the theater, having once played the role of Pippin in a high school production.

The musical being produced was actually South Pacific, but our director had a real flair for experimental theater and felt the addition of characters from other famous plays would spice things up.

He also hid dangerous traps all throughout the set in order to keep us on our toes.

Oh, it was a wonderful couple of months, preparing for and performing in front of parents and friends, and those of us who were left at the end of it felt like we had truly been through something,

something we would never forget, not even in the middle of the night, staring blankly into the darkness, sweaty, pallid, trembling.

Students and seniors receive a 10% discount on all tickets to the hit musical.

Here's a public service message to all the children in our audience.

Children,

the night sky may seem like a scary thing sometimes.

And it is.

It's a very scary thing.

Look at the stars twinkling silently.

They are so far away that none of us will ever get to even the closest one.

They are dead-eyed sigils of our own failures against distance and mortality.

And behind them, just the void.

That nothingness that is everything.

That everything

that is nothing.

Even the blinking light of an airplane streaking across it does not seem to assuage the tiniest bit of its blackness.

Like throwing a single stray ember into the depths of a vast Arctic ocean.

And what if the void is not as void as we thought?

What could be coming towards us out of the distance?

Insentient asteroid with a chance trajectory?

Sentient beings with a malicious trajectory?

What good could come of this?

What good, children,

could come of any of this?

Fear the night sky, children.

And sleep tight in your beds and the inadequate shelters of blankets and parental love.

Sleep sound, children.

This has been our children's fun fact science corner.

More on our missing mayor.

Listeners, this might be worse than I could have imagined.

I'm receiving word that old woman Josie and a gentleman that may or may not be an angel friend of hers, depending on whether or not angels are real, or if they are real but aren't really friends with Josie, or

not real but suddenly became real because Josie willed them into existence.

However it is, Josie and her exceptionally tall, winged friend saw Mayor Winchell earlier this morning near the Moonlight All-Night Diner talking to a man in an offensively cartoonish Native American headdress.

Listeners, that is most certainly the Apache tracker.

And look, I don't know what he is up to, but everywhere he goes, nothing

good happens.

For instance,

last time he went to the post office, they had to spend months cleaning the blood off the walls and hire who knows what kind of specialists to stop the disembodied screaming coming from every darkened corner.

I mean, What kind of contractor even specializes in removing screens?

Well, besides Shriektronics, of course, but they move their offices to several miles deep underground and mostly just generate earthquakes for the government these days.

The point is that the Apache tracker, despite his recent, unexplained transformation into a real Native American, is not who he claims to be and is not a trustworthy individual.

I can only fear the worst for Mayor Winchell.

Old Woman Josie said she saw the two in a heated discussion that culminated in the Apache tracker opening a leather briefcase, which in turn released a thick cloud of black flies.

More than you would think could fit into a normal sized fly briefcase.

The man with the insensitively feathered headdress then got into the backseat of a black sedan.

Josie said she saw the driver clearly and recognized him, but could no longer remember any details about his face.

Josie did not see where the mayor went, though, as her possible angel friend was spending a lot of time explaining why an unassisted triple play in baseball is so rare.

And she got distracted because it seemed like a really important story and she didn't want to seem rude.

Listeners, we have contacted the sheriff's secret police.

If you see this black sedan, the mayor, or have any other information, including light and citrusy dessert recipes for our upcoming special on fresh summer cuisine please contact us immediately

and now a word from our sponsor

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I can assure you it does not cost any money.

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This message was brought to you by Wendy's.

During the commercial break, listeners, we received several calls from drivers saying that they saw the Apache tracker in a black sedan, but that the mayor was not with him.

He and his driver, who they couldn't describe, were standing outside the desert flower bowling alley and arcade fun complex.

Still,

unmoving, a swirl of dust and smoke spiraling slowly about them, a soft rumble below the sand, and the visceral tension of something about to burst.

So much bad news with those two men, Night Vale.

Stay away from the fun complex if you can.

Not only these men, but there is also that secret civilization living under Lane 5 that is planning a great war against us.

On the other hand, tonight is dollar beers and free jukebox tokens.

Listen, you do what you want.

It's your choice.

But I'm just saying that Apache tracker or whatever he likes being called,

I mean, if you knew someone who was always affecting a derogatory accent or told racist jokes, you wouldn't be friends with them, right?

So, who would hang around this guy?

What

a jerk.

Still nothing on the mayor.

Dear listeners.

The city council has even become upset over this.

They They have been on the steps of city hall pacing and howling in unison like elephants in mourning.

Listeners, I know we don't always agree with the mayor.

And sometimes we just despise our elected officials because of the artifice of political parties.

Or because they don't represent every one of our very specific interests.

Or because they are a different species, or have frightening supernatural powers and threaten violence against innocent citizens.

I understand

all of this.

No politician is perfect, Nightvale.

But Mayor Winchell has overseen some great moments in our town's recent history.

She increased funding for the cancer ward at the Knale Hospital.

And now anyone who wants cancer can get cancer, whether or not they have health care or a reason to live.

She regularly visits Knale Elementary School classes to promote youth literacy by reading children's classics like Murakami's The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle or any number of Cormick McCarthy's novels?

She has been controversial, to be sure, but she is our leader, our

parent.

She cares very much about us, Night Vale.

And when she jails or tortures someone without just cause or due process, it is because she loves this town

so

much.

Let us find our mayor, Night Vale,

but first

let us go

to the weather.

When you look into the shadows, do you ever feel something looking back?

If you're looking for your next great fiction podcast, something dark, immersive, and just a little unsettling, listen to The Void, the new series from Fable and Folly.

It's made for fans of horror, sci-fi, and seriously spooky stories.

In the town of Milton, the darkness isn't just in your head, it's in the woods.

They call it the void, a cursed expanse that surrounds the town and swallows anyone who dares to leave.

But when a strange old man shares a mysterious pamphlet that promises a path through the void, Sam and his friends set off on a journey that unravels everything that they thought they knew about their home.

The void is dark, atmospheric, and relentlessly tense, with cinematic sound design, a full voice cast, and a haunting musical score.

Think stranger things meet super eight, but in podcast form.

Search for the void wherever you get your podcasts and step carefully.

The woods are watching.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum dot com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

Listeners, moments ago, Mayor Winchell was found.

She was holding an impromptu press conference.

The press had to stay at least 500 feet away from her as she was standing at the edge of the dog park.

And no one except city officials and hooded figures are allowed that close.

Mayor Winchell apparently set up a podium and quietly delivered a prepared statement without a microphone, and no one could hear what she had to say.

Two hooded figures were standing behind her.

But listeners, oh

listeners, do we ever have a scoop?

Former intern Dana, who I thought had been lost forever after she was swallowed up by the dog park two months ago, well,

she texted me just now from whatever plane of existence she's on.

Dana is still alive and in the dog park, and she heard the mayor's speech.

And it turns out, Mayor Pamela Winchell is stepping down by year's end.

Other reports indicated the mayor concluded by lighting the podium on fire, kicking it over, and climbing the twelve feet high, smooth obsidian walls quickly, gracefully, like a salamander, and then shouting several things that sounded like Russian vulgarities.

The hooded figures stayed outside the dog park and stared down reporters, who grew gray and hunched with melancholy.

Many began wailing and clutching their eyes.

Listeners,

first of all, it was so nice to hear from Dana.

We miss her so.

I tried emailing her back, but my thumbs began to burn and and blacken, and blood began trickling from my nose as I wrote.

So I had to stop.

Hopefully, we will see Dana again.

Time is weird.

So is space.

I hope ours match again someday.

As for the mayor, well,

this is surprising.

Did the secret police force her hand?

Some vague yet menacing government agency?

Would this have anything to do with the Poetry Week incident?

Where actual nightvale citizens like Dana got inside the forbidden dog park?

Or maybe it was simply the mayor's choice?

It's actually a good way to go out.

The last six mayors were all executed quite publicly and creatively.

Remember that many junior high students still learn about the skeletal system from the late Mayor Tom Garmin himself.

So, to get to announce your own retirement is pretty excellent.

Maybe Mayor Winchell needed to spend more time with her family.

Or, maybe she has been exiled to the dog park for sins yet unknown.

Or maybe she plans to grow into a tree by joining the collective life force and single shared soul of the whispering forest, which has become a very popular lifestyle choice these days.

All I know, Night Vale, is that we should all be so lucky to set our own futures.

Dana did not.

I don't know that I will.

Each day the sun rises and sets, the moon pulls the tides, our hearts beat, our loved ones love us back,

and we share our inhales and exhales with the great organism that is our tiny planet.

But as you watch the sunrise again tomorrow morning, think to yourself, past performance is not a predictor of future results.

And then force a smile, drink another cup of coffee, and try not to look down as you walk across the soil that will eventually fill your lifeless lungs and repurpose your corpse.

Each day that is,

is a blessing, Night Vale.

And now,

stay tuned next for the popular radio game show, Wait, wait, don't.

No, don't.

Please, don't.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be downloaded for free at disparition.info.

This episode's weather was Biblical Violence by Hella.

Find out more at hellaband.tumbler.com.

Want to have your music featured in the weather section?

Want to contribute your talents to the show?

Just want to say hi?

Email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show, as well as our books on the unused story ideas of H.P.

Lovecraft and what it means to be a grown-up.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

That would be cool of you.

Today's proverb: The most dangerous game is man, the most entertaining game is Broadway puppy ball, the most weird game is esoteric bear.

Trip Planner by Expedia.

You were made to outdo your holiday,

your hammocking,

and your pooling.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So, if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast, in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun and they are for you, the diehard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise, we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.