19A - The Sandstorm

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Blinking red light in the night sky.

The future is changing, but it's hard to tell.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, the city council announced moments ago that a sandstorm will be arriving in Night Vale in just a few minutes.

They apologized that they did not announce this sooner, but they just kind of let their morning slip away from them.

You know how it is, they said in unison.

You think, oh, we should announce this dangerous sandstorm.

That's priority one.

But then you have to get some coffee and you run into your co-worker friends, and then you check your email, and maybe a glance at Facebook.

And you just lose track of time.

You know, they concluded.

The The sandstorm is projected to be the largest in decades, and meteorologists warned that high winds and debris from the desert could cause millions in damage.

They also said that if you're not already inside with windows closed, doors locked, and eyes shut tight, then your future will probably be very different.

Meteorologists then warned that raccoons are actually pretty dangerous animals despite how adorable they seem, and never, ever feed baby raccoons because the mother raccoon will definitely attack you.

Have you ever had rabies shots?

Oh, it is the worst, the meteorologists continued.

as the press corps got restless and hoped the meteorologists would just shut up soon.

God,

meteorologists just don't know when to stop, the entire press corps moaned.

So, take cover, Night Vale.

Hide in your homes and offices, and pretend that mere walls are enough to protect you from nature's might and life's brevity and meaninglessness.

Keep your radios tuned in here.

We'll keep you up to date.

Hey, sports fans, assuming we're all still here after today,

it's time for baseball season.

This Saturday is the minor league home opener for the Night Vale Spider Wolves.

They'll be taking on bitter rivals, the Desert Bluffs Sunbeams.

The Spider Wolves are fielding a very young but promising pitching staff this year.

Fans are especially excited to see 20-year-old hometown hero Trevin Murphy get his first chance in the starting rotation.

Murphy graduated Night Vale High School two years ago and immediately joined the Spider Wolves just after they discovered he could use his telepathic powers to cripple batters emotionally, often sending them into weeks-long slumps and fits of crying even while playing in the field.

The Sunbeams have some changes in their team as well.

This offseason, they got a new owner and a new manager because they're terrible.

Just

terrible.

Who even cares?

And now traffic.

Highway officials are warning all Night Vale residents to stay off the roads.

The sandstorm is making travel nearly impossible.

We are told that several cars have stalled near the southbound off-ramp at exit 6 on Route 800.

Traffic officers reported that each car screeched to a halt and through the rushing sand they could see dozens of drivers and passengers running into the road, pairing off and then fighting.

They noted that each fighting pair seemed to be of the same build, gender, age, and were wearing the exact same

thing.

Also, unrelated to the sandstorm, all stop signs and traffic lights have been taken down for their bi-monthly polishing.

They'll be back from the cleaners on Tuesday, officials said.

Listeners, thank you for your calls and emails.

We're getting word that the sandstorm has already begun to hit.

Larry Leroy, out on the edge of town, called moments ago to say that the sand was thick and really flying fast, but that when it touched his skin he could hardly feel it.

He could hardly feel a thing, that the past was a fiction, and that consequences were a choice.

He saw colors and shapes instead of familiar things like stoves and ponies.

He shouted a bright confirmation of life up toward the sand-covered sun before gasping and screaming No, not you, not you,

and then hanging up the phone.

Well,

thank you, Larry, for that informative report.

We'll certainly keep that in mind.

Old woman Josie has not called, but intern Dana said that Josie updated her Facebook page with an Instagram of some runestones.

Dana has been furiously translating these symbols and her best guess is that they say

they come in twos,

you come in twos,

you

and you

kill your double.

There's also a link to this amazing cat that keeps jumping in and out of boxes.

And oh my god, that is the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Dana, you have got to post that on my wall.

Oh my god, he loves those boxes so much.

And now a look at financial news:

a fallow wheat field, gray sky, cut by black Vs of black birds.

There is a child dragging a hatchet.

His eyes cast down, his eyes tight, his eyes white and red and superfluous.

He knows not what he sees, but he knows what is there.

A single black winged beast, Beak cracked, feathers rotting, alights roughly on the child's shoulder.

They stop.

The bird picks at the cartilage of the boy's ear as if biting secrets into it.

The boy groans not unpleasantly.

Heavy, slow clouds roll and rise, starkly contrasted against the flickering doguero-type hills which stoically keep the poisonous rains at bay.

A sudden little river, partially walled by palsied shafts of grain, rolls by.

The boy walks into it.

He bends forward.

His blank eyes stare into his reflection.

Neither he nor his mirror knows the other is there, but the bird.

The bird knows, the bird cackles, or perhaps cries, even the bird is uncertain.

The boy takes a palm full of the dark water.

Most of it runs out through his long zigzagging fingers.

He licks the remainder from his dusty skin.

A sound like thunder, like drums, like steps.

The boy turns and hurls his hatchet behind him.

The bird flies up and away.

There is a hideous thump.

The boy knows not what he has hit, but that it has been wounded.

He waits for its retort.

This has been financial news.

This just in nightvale, Mayor Pamela Winchell has declared a state of emergency.

She has asked that if you are still outside, you return home immediately a second announcement shortly after says that she was lying and that you shouldn't listen to her she's not the real mayor

i am

a third announcement followed requesting that you give me the microphone and get away from the podium this is my press conference you replicant clown the press conference then erupted into shouts of phony and imposter as the press corps suddenly doubled and began fighting itself.

Night Vale,

do

be careful.

I fear this sandstorm to be quite a terrible event.

Please stay safe inside, and should you see yourself, I cannot condone murdering yourself.

I just don't believe violence is ever the answer.

It is a question.

The real answer is far more terrifying.

So,

make peace with your double night veil.

Do not be tempted to draw swords or guns.

We can get along.

Oh dear.

What?

What was that noise?

Dana?

Is everything okay in in there, Dana?

Who are you fighting?

Dana, put down that letter opener.

Dana, put away the...

I'm coming in there.

Um,

let's go to a word from our sponsor.

Got a home improvement project?

Need help?

Incomplete?

Having feelings?

Strange feelings?

Feelings you've never felt?

Incomplete.

Is your body filled with hot blood, waving curves of sinew and skin?

Can you feel all that blood?

Is it even your blood?

How can you be sure?

Incomplete.

Are you dizzy from it all?

All of this?

What are your hands doing?

Incomplete.

Where are your hands now?

Where have they been?

Where are they going?

Where are you going?

Have you ever broken the surface of something with a hammer?

Ever channeled sublime thought into sandpaper?

Ever wanted to touch something because you feel things?

Because touch is the only sense you trust?

Incomplete?

What is trust?

Is making a thing proof that you exist?

Is fixing a thing proof that you have transcended mortality?

History?

Incomplete.

Feel things.

Feel things?

You can do it.

We can help.

The Home Depot.

Listeners, I have some bad news and some good news.

Dana is dead.

But the other Dana is alive and I don't know which is the original and which is the double.

Right now, one of the Danas is standing above her own corpse, panting.

I cannot tell if she is grinning or grimacing.

When I went in, she had clutched in one hand a broken stapler and in the other a printout of this email from...

Oh God.

This is the bad news I was talking about.

An email from Steve Carlsberg.

I don't even want to read an email from that jerk, but if printing it out was one of the Dana's final actions, I must honor her efforts.

Steve, oh.

Steve writes,

The sandstorm is clearly a cover-up.

I believe this was a government-created project.

Our government has long been participating in cloud-seeding experiments and trying to suppress the people with pharmaceuticals.

I believe that this government will stop at nothing in order to

Now you listen here, Steve Carlsberg.

You're not saying anything new, Steve.

Of course the sandstorm was created by the government.

The city council announced that this morning.

The government makes no secret that they can control the weather and earthquakes and monitor thoughts and activities.

That's the stuff a big government is supposed to do.

Obviously, you have never read the Constitution.

Okay,

sure,

government can be very inefficient and sometimes bloated and corrupt, but the answer is not to complain about everything that they do.

Without government, we would never have schools or roads or municipal utilities or helpful pandemics or black vans that roam our neighborhoods at night, keeping us safe.

So please, Steve Carlsberg, I've had enough of your government bashing.

And with that, dear listeners, let's go to the

oh my.

Look at that.

Listeners,

there is a black,

almost indigo vortex that has formed along my studio wall.

Listeners, words fail me.

It is so beautiful.

I can't leave you as our show is not yet over.

But

there must be something beyond this something, night veil.

I must see what it is.

I must go.

I will try not to be long, listeners.

I will try not to be long.

Hello?

Hello, Desert Bluffs?

What is this studio?

Hey there, Desert Bluffs.

I don't know if you can hear me.

Kevin here.

I don't know where I am.

It's a radio studio, but the walls are darker.

The equipment looks...

much older.

Certainly much drier than it should be.

The microphone was made...

when?

Have I gone back in time?

Vanessa, are you in the booth?

Listeners, if you can hear me, I am in a strange place.

I do not know if I am in Desert Bluffs or if anyone can hear me.

The sandstorm rages outside.

The vortex is still there, only it's black.

almost a deep blue.

There's a low hum.

I do not know if this is the portal or the storm or my own body.

There is a photo here on the desk.

It is a man.

He is wearing a tie.

He is not tall or short, not thin or fat.

He has eyes like mine and a nose like mine and hair like mine.

But I do not think he is me.

Maybe it is the smile.

Is that a smile?

I can't say.

I do hope he is safe, whoever, wherever he is.

I hope I am safe, wherever, whoever I am.

It is night.

I think it is night.

It is night.

You may not know me, nor I you, but we have this mic, and this voice, and your warm ears blossoming open to hear comforting secrets and the vibrations of a voice that pulse so deep into your body.

Your heart relaxes for a time.

And we have this sitting right here on this odd and bloodless desk.

So now, dear listeners, whoever you are, I give you the weather.

La La La La La

La La La La La La

Lai

La La La La La La

La

na na na,

li

na li

na na

li,

it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you, lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

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Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

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Hello?

Night Vale?

I told you I would be back.

It took longer than I thought, but I have returned from whatever horrible place I have gone.

Along the way, in the vortex, I saw a grotesque man,

a foul devil of a man,

and he attacked me.

I tried to choke him to death, but I remembered.

I remembered what I told you, and I let him live.

I let that woeful beast

live.

I am sure he is not without his wounds and bruises, and I pity that he must return to that awful, awful place from whence he came and to where I most unfortunately visited.

But somehow,

I am happy he is alive,

that I am alive,

that you are alive,

that we are alive.

Outside, the winds are subsiding, the sun sweeping away our pains.

I am sure there is blood staining the streets, the graffiti of our sins, the writings of an immoral but necessary battle, I presume.

The bodies of some, replaced by others who were, we were, were, all the same to begin with.

And we are healing.

Those of us, whoever we are, who survived, those others of us, whoever we are, who conquered.

Whoever you are now,

you are home.

We are home, Night Vale.

You and I are together again.

My mouth, your ears, we have each other.

And for now,

and always,

good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Dispirition.

All of it can be downloaded for free at disparition.info.

This episode's weather was Eliezer's Waltz, composed by Larry Cardozo and Ron Fink and performed by the Ventura Klezmer Band.

Find out more at venturaklezmerband.com.

We would like to thank our Night Vale intern, Adam Dunnells, who was killed by his double and replaced by a person who looks just like him but whose name we are now pronouncing correctly.

Want to to have your music featured in the weather section?

Want to contribute your talents to the show?

Just want to say hi?

Email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show, as well as our books on the unused story ideas of H.P.

Lovecraft and what it means to be a grown-up.

Today's proverb: Step 1.

Write down the names of everyone you know.

Step 2: Rearrange the letters.

Step 3: This will reveal a great secret of time.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

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Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks, we've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look, and we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Are you squeamish about horror movies but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

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Find, here's the short version, random horror nine wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.