17 - Valentine

Here's something I say a lot, but it's just the truth.

We couldn't make this show without our Patreon.

It is by far the biggest way we are able to pay everyone working on the show, from the writers to the actors, to Jessica, who does original artwork for every single episode, to Joella, who does all the back-end business stuff.

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If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday season 2 to drop on Netflix, then I'll let you in on a secret.

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Trust everyone.

Welcome to Nightmare.

Hello, citizens of Nightvale.

I bring you now to our ongoing coverage of the Valentine's Day Aftermath.

Emergency workers have been at it since early this morning, starting the long task of cleanup and recovery.

Reports are still hazy, but we believe that the housing developments of Marshall's Gorge and Golden Dunes have both been wiped completely off the map, while Coyote Corners and Cactus Bloom are reporting extensive damage to structures and power lines.

Please, if you are not directly involved in the recovery and cleanup from Valentine's Day, stay off the roads to make room for those who are.

This Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's Days, will not succeed in bringing our city down.

This Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's Days, will soon recede into painful memory, fading with time until another foul Valentine's Day is upon us again.

In other news, the Randy Newman Memorial Night Vale Airport has announced some schedule changes due to multiple severe weather conditions, including the existence of an atmosphere and that strange fiery orb that appears for approximately half of every 24-hour period.

Many of today's flights will be delayed for several hours, while the rest will be moved into the past, and will have already happened last week.

All arriving flights have been cancelled except those from JFK, LAX, and XTA,

which will continue on the usual routine of unscheduled arrivals that are a complete surprise to both the pilots and air traffic control, based on routes that appear to violate the simple laws of physics and geography.

In addition, Martin McCaffrey, local TSA representative, reminded all travelers that security measures are in place for their own safety, and we should respect the sacrifice needed to keep our lives and our country secure.

Martin said,

I know going through both a metal and full body scanner, as well as crawling through a lengthy pitch-black tunnel while a recording of a monotone male voice lists possible ways of dying are all inconveniences.

And I know that many travelers are concerned with privacy issues involving the voice of a small child that comes through strategically placed ceiling grates, asking them to name every person they have ever kissed.

But these are all necessary evils.

Mr.

McCaffrey then went on to draw a quick sketch of a strange, elongated dark figure crawling out of a kitchen refrigerator.

After which, he immediately insisted that he had no memory of creating the picture and no idea what it could mean.

More on this eventually.

Probably.

hey

here's a health tip from the greater nightvale medical community

it's possible you won't be able to kill it if it manages to burrow under your skin stop fighting because it has already become part of you welcome your new body mate Listen to what it has to say and see where the new symbiotic lifestyle takes you.

Emergency workers report that the damage from Valentine's Day is worse than previously projected.

They describe bodies strewn upon the ground, covered in glitter and paper cupids.

Entire buildings collapsed, leaving only rubble and shocky candy hearts.

And of course, course, there is the sad fate of those chosen to be another person's Valentine.

Little can be said to help the families of those unfortunates, except that the process is, while exactly as ghastly and excruciating as feared, apparently not as horribly slow and drawn out as it appears to outside observers.

As

no aid has come our way from either the state or national government.

The state house even went so far as to send a formal reply, the entirety of which reads: Sorry, we can see what you were going for, but maybe we just don't get that kind of thing.

Anyway, creative stuff and have a happy Valentine's.

Those

monsters.

If you or anyone you know has any footage or photos of the events of Valentine's Day, please send them directly into the station so that we may put the images and video on the radio.

Thank you and be safe.

The city council recently moved to name dance

as the official town language.

This measure has been met with tense debate and raised voices over the past several weeks.

Proponents say we need a unified language, as it will save money on municipal signage and documentation, not to mention bring us together as a community.

The poetry of the human body, they said, while quickly pulling in their elbows and turning their bowler hats down over their eyes in an obvious tribute to Bob Fossey, mates physical being with mental necessity, a marriage that brings purpose to our quickly rotting living corpses.

Opponents say that this move, if voted into law, is discriminatory against the physically handicapped.

Also, less than 10% of Night Vale citizens have ever taken a single dance lesson, let alone achieved lifelong mastery of one of the most ethereal and difficult-to-grasp art forms.

One opponent, who asked to remain nameless out of fear of retribution, told us the bill was entirely funded by lobbyists from Cheryl's Little Princess's dance studio.

Just follow the money, they said.

Then the anonymous insider's pupils grew until they eclipsed the whites.

Their tongues slid out from their knife gash of a grin, and their hair would not stop graying and growing.

A final vote is expected on Tuesday.

And now, traffic.

A representative from the Sheriff's Secret Police, waving vaguely at a map in our studio, said that there are street closures.

Quote, all over.

Just all over

the general area, the representative said, tapping the edge of the map with two knuckles.

A bunch of them in different places.

We asked if he could be more specific, and he nodded, but did not say anything more.

We tried naming a couple of streets to see if any of them were included on the list of closures, but the representative only replied with a, oh yeah, I mean, probably,

and an ambiguous head waggle to each one.

He added that anyone caught on a closed road would be dealt with in the usual manner.

And then he winked and gave me a thumbs up.

It is possible he was merely a vagrant who wandered into the studio.

We didn't bother to check his credentials.

Just to be safe, though, look out for road closures all over in the general area, listeners.

They're in a bunch of different places.

Probably.

This has been traffic.

And now for corrections.

We offer the following corrections to previous reports broadcast on Night Vale Community Radio.

One

blue,

not green.

Two.

A low whirring sound was heard only by those to the west of it.

Three.

The witness's name was Henry Gregson and not, as we reported, Crystal Soul Eater.

Four.

We were feeling, at best, fine, and not, as we stated on the record, pretty good, thanks.

Five.

No, no, do not do what we advised.

We were so terribly, terribly wrong.

If you have done it already, well, our heart goes out to those who miss you.

Please forgive us, please forgive us.

This has been Corrections

More Post Valentine's Day News

The Night Vale Mall's planned Valentine's Day art installation involving footage of actual beating animal hearts projected on a vivisected teddy bear was cancelled due to the entire mall being flooded with poisonous gas.

The gas was described as difficult to breathe and a major cause of death to those who stood in it.

Mall PR officials expressed regret at the cancellation, saying,

Man, it's like every time an artist has a bold new idea, the system has to come in and shut them down.

They concluded by muttering, it stinks, man, it stinks,

before going off to sulk in the Red Cross medical tent.

Emergency workers, meanwhile, report coming across a stash of unactivated Valentine's Day cards, forcing them to cease operations until a specialized team could be called in to deal with the danger.

Three workers died before they could retreat.

Also, Night Vale Community Radio intern Stacey died a couple of months ago, soon after our last mention of her.

Our sympathies go to the loved ones of those who are lost, especially Stacey.

Sorry that I didn't get around to telling you until now, that was totally my fault.

Mayor Pamela Winchell issued the following statement today in regards to the increasing public support for her ouster and replacement by dashing inmate and blogger Hiram McDaniels.

Winchell said,

The Mayor smells of olives.

The mayor burns like a match tip and casts her flickering light upon the darkened path of fate.

The mayor does not have keys to the stone door.

The mayor is the stone door and all that quivers behind it.

The mayor is forgiving.

The mayor makes no mistakes.

The mayor clutches tightly to your lungs, all six arms embracing your savory breaths.

Let the mayor out.

Let the mayor out, let the mayor out.

There were no follow up questions, but the press pool did let out a simultaneous om

as fire burst forth from the podium and the conference room ceiling flew away, revealing a midday night sky that had grown cancerous with blinking stars.

McDaniels is still in jail awaiting trial for insurance fraud and evasion of arrest.

He has previously announced interest in becoming mayor of Nightvale and is a 3,600 pound five-headed dragon.

In other news, several alert citizens have reported that the Nightvale Post Office, closed since the strange and probably supernatural attack that it suffered several months ago, now appears to be open for business once again.

This is good news for all of us, as we, as a city, have been unable to send or receive letters and packages since the closing.

All private delivery companies, of course, refuse to enter the Greater Nightvale area because, a FedEx spokesperson explained, it is cursed.

Witnesses say the post office has opened its doors and looks to be full of activity.

There have been a few changes.

For instance, all clerks behind the counter are now strange cloth-wrapped figures who hum tunelessly and turn in place instead of doing any sort of official postal business.

In addition, the entire customer line and lobby area is full of more of these cloth-wrapped figures, all similarly turning and humming.

Those who have tried to enter the building have reported an immediate wave of dizziness and nausea, followed by visions of strange jagged peaks and a turning black ocean.

Also,

they say, stamps now cost two cents more than a few months ago.

It is not enough, apparently, for the postal service to violently assault our minds with visions, but they are also intent on bleeding our wallets dry.

For shame.

But hey, at least everyone can get Amazon deliveries again.

As their slogan says, Amazon.com, the only website now.

Where did the rest of them go?

Do not ask.

Do not ask.

And now,

the weather.

When I met you, boy, you was the sweetest thing.

Like a shade tape in the coldest spring.

When I saw your eyes, I thought they shine for me.

Just being in your space was divine to me.

Gave you two smiles and a lot more time than them balding cats who feigned to be mine.

But really, love, you wasn't even fuckable.

The way you were made you highly untouchable.

Teach you though, every move you made.

Study from a distance, watch the games you played.

And some would say I shoulda never came closer.

But I ain't never had the taste for the phrase, not supposed to.

So I chose, imagine that, put a plan into play to make it public.

Fact that I'm the one, and you shoulda'n

them other girls have never loved you like I do.

I would fly into the merciless home.

Still you will stand.

Might have took some time, but most good things do.

Manifest when the time is true.

I admit I was nervous, cause things get changed.

Something about my lifestyle makes them so strange.

So many angles and tangled components.

Everybody wanna touch just for the moment.

But you put a new hue in my blue.

Added a perspective to my concrete views.

About tossing caution into the breeze.

Following emotion like streams to the seas, top priority, believe you me.

Like, love how you feel, you I ain't what you need.

It's more than your lips on the nap on my neck, or your hands on my breast, with your leg on my thigh, or the look in your eyes as you slide inside.

It's the way you make me wanna live instead of die.

Flying to the treacherous sea.

Never

choose to keep you happy.

But

fly into the merciless sun,

standing.

Yet, still, when I talk to God, I name you.

Even got your own song, you a star, no need to call names, you know who you are.

I give you everything,

be the mother of your seeds, keep the world at bay.

If you need time to breathe, need need a chest to rest on when things a bit too much.

These offers, they stand, so no need to rush.

You young, black, and gifted.

A whole life ahead of you.

I love you for that.

Would never try to tame you.

So I remain dedicated in the wings.

Inspired by your laugh to wait for things.

I just hope you aware what you actually got.

A true woman ain't my man Walf or not.

So when you hear the song, know I'm speaking to you.

This is a big girl ballad for true.

Neptune's shoes to keep you happy.

I would

fly into a merciless sun,

steal you the sky.

Oh, you I five into a treacherous sleep.

Bring you Neptune's shoes to keep you happy.

I would

fly into a merciless sun,

steal you the sky.

Cause you're the one I need

into a treacherous sea,

bring you neptune shoes to keep you happy.

I would

fly into the mercy

sun,

still the sky.

Good

one.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Ladies and gentlemen, emergency workers report that they have reached Old Town Nightvale and further report that it is a scene out of a nightmare, assuming you have had the usual nightmare in which Old Town received minor structural damage and debris with no serious injuries.

Emergency workers report that they have treated those who need treating and have cleared away what needed clearing away.

They report that the usual stress of day-to-day life was worse, but now it seems better, and that later, they project, it will be worse again.

Emergency workers report that they are feeling good about stuff in general for once.

Emergency workers report that they are smiling and they don't even know why.

Emergency workers report a cloud.

Just that.

A cloud.

And isn't it funny how we often don't notice little things like that?

They report.

Well, listeners, it seems perhaps that we have come through this day and reached some other side.

Not unaffected, no,

not unchanged, but here.

After all, this Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's Days, will not succeed in bringing our city down.

This Valentine's Day, as all Valentine's Days, will soon recede into painful memory, fading with time until another foul Valentine's Day is upon us again.

Stay tuned next for me saying good night, Night Vale, good night.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of commonplace books.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be downloaded for free at disparition.info.

This episode's weather was Neptune's Jewels by Mystic.

Find out more at thatgirlmystic.com.

We would like to thank our Nightvale intern Adam Dennels who transplanted his living brain into a computer to escape death until we accidentally deleted him.

Want to have your music featured in the weather section?

Want to contribute your talents to the show?

Just want to say hi?

Email us at nightvale at commonplacebooks.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out commonplacebooks.com for more information on this show, as well as our books on the unused story ideas of H.P.

Lovecraft and what it means to be a grown-up.

Today's proverb, Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-season, and case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Are you squeamish about horror movies, but kind of want to know what happens?

Or are you a horror lover who likes thoughtful conversation about your favorite genre?

Join me, Jeffrey Kraner, and my friend from Welcome to Nightville, Cecil Baldwin, for our weekly podcast, Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where we watch and discuss horror movies in a random order.

Find, here's the short version, Random Horror 9 wherever you get your podcasts.

Boo.