1 - Pilot

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry, Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's quince.com slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash nightfail.

A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Hello, listeners.

To start things off, I've been asked to read this brief notice.

The City Council announces the opening of a new dog park at the corner of Earl and Somerset near the Ralphs.

They would like to remind everyone that dogs are not allowed in the dog park.

People are not allowed in the dog park.

It is possible you will see hooded figures in the dog park.

Do not approach them.

Do not approach the dog park.

The fence is electrified and highly dangerous.

Try not to look at the dog park and especially do not look for any period of time at the hooded figures.

The dog park will not harm you.

And now the news.

Old woman Josie out near the car lot says the angels revealed themselves themselves to her, said they were 10 feet tall, radiant, and one of them was black.

Said they helped her with various household chores.

One of them changed a light bulb for her, the porch light.

She's offering to sell the old light bulb, which has been touched by an angel.

It was the black angel, if that sweetens the pot for anyone.

If you're interested, Contact Old Woman Josie.

She's out near the car lot.

A new man came into town today.

Who is he?

What does he want from us?

Why his perfect and beautiful haircut?

Why his perfect and beautiful coat?

He says he is a scientist.

Well,

we have all been scientists at one point or another in our lives.

But why now?

Why here?

And just what does he plan to do with all those breakers and humming electrical instruments in that lab he's renting, the one next to Big Rico's pizza.

No one does a slice like Big Rico.

No one.

Just a reminder to all the parents out there.

Let's talk about safety when taking your children out to play in the scrublands and the sand wastes.

You need to give them plenty of water.

Make sure there's a shade tree in the area.

and keep an eye on the helicopter colors.

Are the unmarked helicopters circling the area black?

Probably world government.

Not a good area for play that day.

Are they blue?

That's the sheriff's secret police.

They'll keep a good eye on your kids and hardly ever take one.

Are they painted with complex murals depicting birds of prey diving?

No one knows what those helicopters are or what they want.

Do not play in the area.

Return to your home and lock the doors until a sheriff's secret policeman leaves a carnation on your porch to indicate that the danger has passed.

Cover your ears to blot out the screens.

Also, remember, Gatorade is basically soda, so give your kids plain old water and maybe some orange slices when they play.

A commercial airliner flying through local airspace disappeared today, only to to reappear in the Night Vale Elementary Gymnasium during basketball practice, disrupting practice quite badly.

The jet roared through the small gym for only a fraction of a second, and before it could strike any players or structure, it vanished again.

This time, apparently, for good.

There is no word yet on if or how this will affect Nightvale Mountain Lions game schedule, and also if this could perhaps be the work of their bitter rivals, the Desert Bluffs cacti.

Desert Bluffs is always trying to show us up through fancier uniforms, better pre-game snacks, and possibly by transporting a commercial jet into our gymnasium, delaying practice for several minutes at least.

For shame, Desert Bluffs.

For shame.

That new scientist, we now know his named Carlos, called a town meeting.

He has a square jaw and teeth like a military cemetery.

His hair is perfect, and we all hate and despair and love that perfect hair in equal measure.

Old woman Josie brought corn muffins, which were decent, but lack salt.

She said the angels had taken her salt for a godly mission, and she she hadn't yet gotten around to buying more.

Carlos told us that we are, by far, the most scientifically interesting community in the U.S.,

and he had come to study just what is going on around here.

He grinned, and everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.

Government agents from a vague yet menacing agency were in the back watching.

I fear for Carlos.

I fear for Night Vale.

I fear for anyone caught between what they know and what they don't yet know that they don't know.

We received a press release this morning.

The Night Vale Business Association is proud to announce the opening of the brand new Night Vale Harbor and Waterfront Recreation Area.

I have been to these facilities myself recently on their invitation, and I can tell you that it is absolutely top of the line and beautiful.

Sturdy docking areas made from eco-friendly post-consumer material.

A boardwalk for pedestrians and plenty of stands ready for local food vendors and merchants to turn into a bustling public marketplace.

Now,

there is some concern about the fact that, given we are in the middle of a desert, there is no actual water at the waterfront.

And that is a definite drawback, I agree.

For instance, the boardwalk is currently overlooking sagebrush and rocks.

The Business Association did not provide any specific remedies for this problem, but they assured me that the new harbor would be a big boost to Night Vale nonetheless.

Maybe wait until a flash flood and head down there for the full waterfront experience.

The local chapter of the NRA is selling bumper stickers as part of their fundraising week.

They sent the station one to get some publicity.

And we're here to serve the community, so I'm happy to let you all know about it.

The stickers are made from good, sturdy vinyl, and they read, Guns don't kill people.

It's impossible to be killed by a gun.

We are all invincible to bullets, and it's a miracle.

Stand outside of your front door and shout, NRA, to order one.

Carlos and his team of scientists warned that one of the houses in the new development of Desert Creek, out back of the elementary school, doesn't actually exist.

It seems like it exists, explained Carlos and his perfect hair, like it's just right there when you look at it.

And it's between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not.

But, he says they have done experiments, and the house is definitely not there.

At noos time, the scientists are standing in a group on the sidewalk in front of the non-existent house, daring each other to go knock on the door.

A great howling was heard from the Night Vale post office yesterday.

Postal workers claim no knowledge, although passers-by describe the sound as being a little like a human soul being destroyed through black magic.

The Indian tracker, now, I don't know if you've seen this guy around, he's the one that appears to be of maybe Slavic origin, yet wears an Indian headdress out of some racist cartoon and claims to be able to read tracks on asphalt.

He appeared on the scene and swore that he would discover the truth.

No one responded because it's really hard to take him seriously in that headdress of his.

Lights.

Seen in the sky above the Arby's.

Not the glowing sign of Arby's, something higher and beyond that.

We know the difference.

We've caught on to their game.

We understand the lights above Arby's game.

Invaders from another world.

Ladies and gentlemen, the future is here,

and it's about a hundred feet above the Arby's.

Carlos and his scientists at the monitoring station near Route 800 say their seismic monitors have been indicating wild seismic shifts.

Meaning to say that the ground should be going up and down all over the place.

I don't know about you folks, but the ground has been as still as the crust of a tiny globe rocketing through an endless void could be.

Carlos says that they've double-checked the monitors and they are in perfect working order.

To put it plainly, there appears to be catastrophic earthquakes happening right here in Night Vale that absolutely no one can feel.

Well,

submit an insurance claim anyway.

See what you can get, right?

Traffic time, listeners.

Now, police are issuing warnings about ghost cars out on the highways, those cars only visible in the distance, reaching unimaginable speeds, leaving destinations unknown for destinations more unknown.

They would like to remind you that you should not set your speed by these apparitions, and doing so will not be considered following the flow of traffic.

However, they do say that it's probably safe to match speed with the mysterious lights in the sky, as whatever entities or organizations responsible appear to be cautious and reasonable drivers.

And now,

the weather:

the old church down the street,

concrete beneath my feet,

the shadows of the leaves,

these and more than these

These and more than these

Digging deeper

These and more than these

You gotta dig in deeper

I speak in ancient tongues

I stare straight at the sun

What I've done can't be undone

These and more than these

These and more than these

Digging deeper

These and more than these

You gotta dig in deeper

Blood on my hands but none of my soul

Someday God willing I will be whole

And up above I feel the love from every star in the sky.

I'll never be alone,

I will never cry.

I'll never be alone,

I will never die.

I hear them speaking still.

My will is not my will.

I wonder what is real

These and more than these

These and more than these

Digging deeper

These and more than these

You gotta dig in deeper

These and more than these

Digging deeper

These and more than these

You gotta dig in deeper

and these

and these

and these

and these

and these

and these

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you, it lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of Kraken Rum.

It winks and tells you Kraken Rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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Welcome back, listeners.

The sun didn't set at the correct time today, Carlos and his team of scientists report.

They are quite certain about it.

They checked multiple clocks, and the sun definitely set ten minutes later than it was supposed to.

I asked them if they had any explanations, but they did not offer anything concrete.

Mostly they sat in a circle around a desk clock, staring at it, murmuring, and cooing.

Still, we must be grateful to have the sun at all.

It's easy to forget in this hot, hot, hot desert climate, but things would actually be slightly harder for us without the sun.

The next time the sun rises, whatever time that turns out to be, take a moment to feel grateful for all the warmth and light and even, yes, extreme heat that our desert community is gifted with.

The city council would like to remind you about the tiered heavens and the hierarchy of angels.

The reminder is that you should not know anything about this.

The structure of heaven and the angelic organizational chart are privileged information known only to the city council members on a need-to-know basis.

Please, do not speak to or acknowledge any angels that you may come across while shopping at the Ralphs or at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex.

They only tell lies and do not exist.

Report all angel sightings to the City Council for treatment.

And now for a brief public service announcement.

Alligators.

Can they kill your children?

Yes.

Along those lines, to get personal for a moment, I think the best way to die would be swallowed by a giant snake.

Going feet first and whole into a slimy maw would give your life perfect symmetry.

Speaking of the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, Its owner, Teddy Williams, reports that he has found the entrance to a vast underground city in the Penn Retrieval area of Lane 5.

He said he has not yet ventured into it, merely peered down at its strange spires and broad avenues.

He also reports voices of a distant crowd in the depths of that subterranean metropolis.

Apparently, The entrance was discovered when a bowling ball accidentally rolled into it, clattering down to the city below with with sounds that echoed for miles across the impossibly huge cavern.

So, you know, whatever population that city has,

they know about us now, and we might be hearing from them very soon.

Carlos, perfect and beautiful, came into our studios during the break earlier, but declined to stay for an interview.

He had some sort of blinking box in his hand covered with wires and tubes.

Said he was testing the place for materials.

I don't know what materials he meant, but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot.

When he put it close to the microphone, it sounded like, well, like a bunch of baby birds had just woken up.

Really went crazy.

Carlos looked nervous.

I've never seen that kind of look on someone with that strong of a jaw.

He left in a hurry, told us to evacuate the building.

But then,

who would be here to talk sweetly to all of you out there?

Settling in to be another clear night and pretty evening here in Night Vale.

I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with,

or at least good memories of when you did.

Good night, listeners.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Joseph Fink.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was These and More Than These by Joseph Fink.

Find out more at josephfink.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at nightvale radio.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show as well as weird nightvale stuff you can own.

And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link.

We couldn't make the show without it.

Today's proverb.

Look to the north.

Keep looking.

There's nothing coming from the south.

Olivia loves a challenge.

It's why she lifts heavy weights

and likes complicated recipes.

But for booking her trip to Paris, Olivia chose the easy way with Expedia.

She bundled her flight with a hotel to save more.

Of course, she still climbed all 674 steps to the top of the Ivy Tower.

You were made to take the easy route.

We were made to easily package your trip.

Expedia, made to travel.

Flight-inclusive packages are at all protected.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Lovelin and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.