Kevin Nealon

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Speaker 1 Welcome back to Where Everybody Knows Your Name. From Saturday Night Live's weekend update to the happy Gilmore movies, Kevin Nealon has never stopped making me laugh.
He lives and breathes comedy.

Speaker 1 He hasn't gone literally more than two weeks without getting on the stage for a stand-up set since he started in the late 70s. He has a new stand-up special coming out soon, which we'll get into.

Speaker 1 And I encourage you, I'm afraid we talk about it, but I'm afraid you need to Google his artwork and take a look at it. It's truly spectacular.

Speaker 1 Like me, Kevin is a huge lover of getting out in the middle of nature. And we're going to talk about that and his efforts to protect the Appalachian Trail.
So here he is, Kevin Mealon.

Speaker 1 I thought because you have hiking with Kevin, that this was something you've done, hiked the Appalachian Trail before. Have you? No, I have not.
I might have.

Speaker 1 uh crossed it at one point i might have been on it and did not know because it's the longest hiking trail only in the united States. Georgia to Maine.

Speaker 1 You know, my brother hiked on a trail in Spain called the Camino de Santiago Trail. It's a very spiritual trail.
I don't know if you heard of this, but people go there.

Speaker 1 They're going through things in their life, whatever it is. And my brother was just hiking and he met his wife there.
Not his wife, but he met the woman who would be his wife. His wife was home.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so, but this Appalachian Trail, I think of it as kind of a spiritual trail too. It's, it's, uh, it's, but This is the 100th anniversary of the trail.
And

Speaker 1 the Appalachian Trail Conservancy, it's always been

Speaker 1 the stewardship of the whole thing. It keeps it,

Speaker 1 manages it and

Speaker 1 protects it and is the advocate for it. And it's the 100th anniversary coming up.
Yeah, the trail's been on for 100 years.

Speaker 1 And I don't know whose idea it was, but it's brilliant that taking the phrase, take a hike,

Speaker 1 meaning buzz off, is being turned. Literally, there's a petition to go to the different

Speaker 1 rights

Speaker 1 dictionaries where we're going to change the definition to go out and enjoy nature. Yeah.
Truly take a hike. Yeah.
And we're taking,

Speaker 1 we have a form, takeahikepetition.org. You can go there and.
No, no, I signed it.

Speaker 1 You did already? For real. Yeah.
Oh. Oh, nice.
Yeah. Yeah.
Did you see my name on that? I had your name on it. I'm a little confused.

Speaker 1 No, but it is true. It's, you know, it's always been dismissive.
like, hey, go take a hike. You know, it's like, you're annoying.
Get out of here.

Speaker 1 So we're trying to get the dictionaries like, you know, the Oxford Dictionary and Webster's to change it to more of a,

Speaker 1 you know, an invitation to go out

Speaker 1 in the wilds and the nature and kind of just restore all of your,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 natural instincts in life. I, I, you know, I, I.
like to hike in the morning because I'm the most creative when I'm hiking. I think a lot.
I meditate.

Speaker 1 And I used to study my lines in the morning because my head is the clearest. What's a hike? Do you mean like 45 minutes longer?

Speaker 1 Training? Incline. Five feet.
Five feet of incline. I think it does it.

Speaker 1 That is interesting. What is a hike to me? Because some people see, I have a hiking show on YouTube called Hiking with Kevin, and I hike with a different, you know, a lot of different celebrities

Speaker 1 through the canyons, mostly of L.A.

Speaker 1 And I interview them. And,

Speaker 1 you know, Conan's done it. And Tom Hanks.
Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell was on there.
Yeah. Cheryl Crow.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so I like being outdoors. I like being, and I think that's one of the reasons I'm partnering with them because I'm a hiking enthusiast, but

Speaker 1 I don't own a, well, I do have hiking shoes, but they're not the heavy-duty kind

Speaker 1 where you have the. the poles and you're hiking, you know, and the ox.

Speaker 1 I still use the oxygen pack like the people on Everest do, but that's only for the canyons high up in the canyons, like near the Hollywood sign.

Speaker 1 The O specifically. Are your interviews you ask like, so how are you? They talk for half an hour, start huffing and puffing, and you're

Speaker 1 controlling your breath.

Speaker 1 I'm usually the one huffing and puffing.

Speaker 1 I watch that and I go, people say, who's the most out of shape of all your hikes? I've done about 150 of these, 170. I go, it's me.
I look back at it and I'm like,

Speaker 1 because I'm talking, you know, and I'm walking up the hill. And

Speaker 1 everybody else seems to be, I know when they're not in good shape is when they come with a cup of coffee.

Speaker 1 And then I hiked with David Spade once. It took me a while to get him because I'll hike, but it's got to be flat and it's got to be in between rush hour traffic.

Speaker 1 And you got to have some food for me because I'm hypoglycemic. So we went and we hiked and there was a 1% incline.
I would say 0.1. And he goes, are we going uphill right now?

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 yeah, so I love hiking. And

Speaker 1 the Appalachian Trail is something I always wanted to do. And I follow people on Instagram that do it.
And it's really interesting.

Speaker 1 Just, I think once you've done that, it's kind of changed your whole perspective on life. Were you a city kid growing up? Where were you? Not really.
I grew up in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Speaker 1 So it was kind of on the outskirts of the city. But my friend and I, we used to, there was some woods nearby our house, maybe about

Speaker 1 half a mile away. And it's probably all developed now.
But we both wanted to be forest rangers. So we would go there.

Speaker 1 We had axes and we would build link tos and fences, almost like, you know, in the pioneer days. It was really pretty impressive.

Speaker 1 We had the wood fences around and we had the lean-to with the, you know, the branches all over it. And we'd sleep overnight there.
And, you know, we're only like half a mile away from home.

Speaker 1 And we'd cook. We'd have the burner, you know, the fireplace.

Speaker 1 That was my life growing up. It was in Flagstaff, Arizona.
Oh.

Speaker 1 We would go, we'd jump on horses too and go that away for as long as we felt because it was just in the middle of. Oh, that's intense.

Speaker 1 It would get hot, wouldn't it was this in the winter no this is flagstaff which is 7 000 feet on up to 13.

Speaker 1 that's where i want to go and i want to go to also you know what i'm sonoma or sedona sedona that's it yeah and simona well no simona

Speaker 1 yes in sonoma in sonoma yeah

Speaker 1 yeah well we're gonna be fine don't worry but i i've always heard about flagstaff and that is pretty that is an altitude up there yeah it's beautiful and that was my upbringing just

Speaker 1 lucky you. And back then, you could, you know, your mother could say, be home before dark or you'll be in trouble.
But that was it. Yeah.
And you were off just having a great old time.

Speaker 1 How was that high school up there? The high school,

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You didn't ever went to school? No, I went to junior high there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I was, you got 15 minutes at the end of the day to do your homework.

Speaker 1 And you only needed about five minutes. So the school wasn't particularly great back then and I was a horrible student, very lazy.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I got, I thought it was my idea, but basically I got sent away to a Kent School for Boys in Kent, Connecticut. I know that.
I know that area. Yeah.
Yeah, Squidzy up there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, and I got to play basketball.

Speaker 1 Are you a basketball player? I thought I was until I went to Stanford and stepped out on the court. And it was like.
Did you go to Stanford?

Speaker 1 Stamford, Connecticut. Yeah.
No. it was stamped i was gonna say you weren't a good student but you went to stamford where no it was stamford but crappy what

Speaker 1 stamford connecticut no sorry stamp where you did go to stamford see the trouble with you is i can't tell if you're now bantering with me and i need to keep up

Speaker 1 i've ever been in an interview stanford university palo alto so you were a good student uh i you're lazy

Speaker 1 uh all of the ability

Speaker 1 but not a good student but you were smart

Speaker 1 i was smart enough to relax and know that this was not going to be my life. So

Speaker 1 I enjoyed the test and who cares and did well. Enjoy filling out those dots.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Good for you.
What did you do?

Speaker 1 I profound theater. That's what happened to me at Stanford.
So forever grateful. Yeah, that's great, man.
Pretty up there, Palo Alto, too. Yep.

Speaker 1 Used to be.

Speaker 1 I have one image of Atherton, which is right next to Palo Alto, which was where all of the computer stuff started.

Speaker 1 And I was raising, trying to get enough money to buy a $200 convertible with my friend. And so we were parking cars at weddings and funerals.

Speaker 1 And I answered an ad to go to this, some kids' garage, parents' garage. And I sat there with a little dental tool, scraping out the solder marks that got a little too wide or big on a chip.

Speaker 1 It was a chip that was literally this big. And I remember sitting there going, God, what a bunch of losers.
You know,

Speaker 1 obviously they own the world now.

Speaker 1 I have no idea. I cannot comprehend how they could even, I can't even comprehend how to build a house.
Never mind a chip.

Speaker 1 You'd need some metal, I guess, and some soldering irons. And a friend who knows how to build.
So I was telling somebody I was coming here to do the podcast.

Speaker 1 Old friend of mine, he's not really in the business. I go, I'm going to go do this podcast with Ted Danson.
He goes, oh, body heat?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes, body heat. You guys see body heat? It was so good.
That was so good. I still remember William Hurt finishing his run and then taking out a cigarette.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was such a good character trait there. Okay, let's go back a little bit.

Speaker 1 Let's just, let's do the, I love the cheer story. It makes me feel good.

Speaker 1 You want me to tell that story?

Speaker 1 Okay, so I'm 26. I've been in Hollywood for maybe two, three years.

Speaker 1 I was bartending at the improv. I had played football in college.

Speaker 1 I go for an interview at Paramount, an audition, and I got five callbacks over a period of two weeks. The two producers and the director,

Speaker 1 Jimmy Burroughs, Lass and Glenn. Yep.
Yep. All those guys, Charles Brothers, they look at each other, go, and I heard them say this.
We're not getting any closer than this.

Speaker 1 But I didn't hear him say, God damn it.

Speaker 1 So I walked out thinking, Paramount, this is my new home. Yeah.
That wasn't too bad. That wasn't that difficult.
I don't don't know what people are talking about, you know, and a week goes by.

Speaker 1 I hear nothing. Two weeks go by.
My managers call. They go, well,

Speaker 1 they love you, but they've decided to look at an older, older actress for the part. You know, and it's you and Fred

Speaker 1 Dreyer. Dreyer.
Yeah. William Devane.
William Devane.

Speaker 1 Shelly Long,

Speaker 1 somebody Julia. Duffy.
Julia Duffy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 but they liked me because I did play football. It was originally for a football player.
Yes, it was. Tight end.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was quarterback. Maybe that's why I didn't get it.

Speaker 1 But, and I was a bartender. And also, Jim told me that it was originally supposed to be on the way out to Vegas, the bar, and not in Boston.
Yeah. You didn't know that.

Speaker 1 I had this very, except for the ending, obviously, had a similar story. I went two or three or four times.
I was shooting a taxi.

Speaker 1 And throughout the week, they would call me down in between whatever's, rehearsals. And by about the third or fourth time, I was going,

Speaker 1 oh, no, they said to me, so don't, don't take anything without checking with us first. Don't take another job.
That's a good sign. Yeah.
So I said, so

Speaker 1 this is mine?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, just don't take anything.

Speaker 1 And I walked out the back door of the office and coming up the stairs into the front door was this line of actors.

Speaker 1 So, you know.

Speaker 1 older guys, right? Oh, yes. Okay, good.
No, I was the first older guy. You were the young crowd.
Okay. Yeah.
That was. So you were doing taxi at the time? Yeah.
And who was that?

Speaker 1 Was Andy Kaufman there then?

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. He wasn't when I was at least that episode.
And Christopher Lloyd was great. Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 1 I like it when they're taking that driver's exam. And he's slower.
So

Speaker 1 go slow. What is the

Speaker 1 orange light mean?

Speaker 1 Those were so many great shows back then. I mean, everything seemed, I mean, they were all pre-camera,

Speaker 1 but they were good. They were well written.
Yeah. And pardon me, and Paramount was like a factory.
So

Speaker 1 there were so many, and the writers were all friends. And if somebody got stuck on a script, people from other shows would come over around midnight and out.
It was that kind of

Speaker 1 world back then. Yeah, so wait, so okay, go on.

Speaker 1 You want to tell a story again? No, um,

Speaker 1 well, just the part where I got it.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 so you're first, let me ask you this. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but how did they finally tell you that you got the party? I want to pretend what it sounded like.
I want to pretend it was me.

Speaker 1 Well, first off, they went further. I don't know if you were doing the teaming up with reading with chemistry, yeah, chemistry reads with I didn't get to that because the truth is, I got cheers

Speaker 1 a big at least 90% of what why I got it was I was reading with Shelly Long and Shelly Long just nailed that part yeah walked in shining chambers she was that was perfect and I got teamed up in the three couples came downstairs and took turns auditioning in front of the studio and the network and

Speaker 1 the little makeshift bar And I think I got it because I was with Shelly.

Speaker 1 But anyway, back to you.

Speaker 1 Enough about you. Enough about, no, we'll get back to me in a minute.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 you come to L.A., you're bartending, but doing stand-up at the same time. I was getting into stand-up.
Yeah, I was getting into standing. And that's the other thing.

Speaker 1 Stephen Colzack.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Colzak. Colzak, he was the casting guy, and he came out to see me at the ice house, you know, as we were going through these stages.

Speaker 1 I've had the best set of my life, standing ovation. As I'm walking off the stage to the aisle, he goes, I just got here.
How was it?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I said, well, it went pretty well. I got the part.
In that moment, I got the part. That's right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 you were doing that then still when you got called to do Saturday Night Live? No.

Speaker 1 You mean stand-up?

Speaker 1 You were at the improv. Oh, yeah.
Bartending now? I was not bartending now anymore.

Speaker 1 I had left that to do stand-up, which is a big, big leap because, you know, you you made pretty good money bartending.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I left that and I started doing stand-up.

Speaker 1 And then I was actually, you know, I'd done all the talk shows like Leonard Man and Tonight Show, Johnny Carson and Merv Griffin and Michael Douglas, Mike Douglas.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I had just

Speaker 1 was shooting a pilot for a travel show.

Speaker 1 You know, it's like a travel, and I was going to go there and say, and here's that and this. And, you know, this is why you want to come here.
And I got SNL.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the producer was nice enough to let me go and go do it.

Speaker 1 Oh, you had gotten the job. I got the job.
I auditioned for it. What happened was I'm a stand-up.
I'm not a sketch player. I don't do characters or stuff.
And Dana Carvey was my roommate.

Speaker 1 When he was in town, he had an apartment over the garage. We rented a house in the hills with a couple other comics.

Speaker 1 So he got selected to be on that show. Rightfully so, because he has characters and accents and impressions for that summer for that

Speaker 1 upcoming season. This is back in the 1900s.
I remember.

Speaker 1 And so he, off he goes. I'm so excited for him.
I'm so proud. I'm telling people, Dane is, you know, my buddy.

Speaker 1 And then two weeks later, I get a call from him out of the blue. Kev, I'm out at Laura Michaels' house.
I'm in the back bedroom. Kisses in the kitchen.
Bill Murray. No, yes.

Speaker 1 Anyway, Laura's looking for one more cast member. I told him about you, and I think he's going to want to see your audition tape.

Speaker 1 I'm like, Bill Murray's in the kitchen? Do you see what I mean? I wasn't even buying into that because I know I never get it because I don't do sketches or stuff. But I send it in anyway.

Speaker 1 It's free trip to New York at the most. And a couple of weeks later, I get a call back.
Gav, I'm back at a Lauren Michaels house. Guess who's in the kitchen? Steve Martin.
What?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Because good news. Lauren like your tape.
They're going to fly you in for an audition. Steve Martin's in the kitchen.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I don't do accents or characters or, you know, I'm just a stand-up, a really, really good stand-up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You'll see. I'll show you.
No, no, I've been watching all day, and you made me laugh. Stop kidding.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I go into New York. You're so funny, Kevin.
Yeah. You really are.
I should have had a show a long time ago. No.

Speaker 1 What had limited you? Yeah. I wouldn't be where I am right now.
I wouldn't have done an SNL if I got it. Somebody else's jokes.
Oh, I see.

Speaker 1 I went back to cheers. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, no, no, that's what I'm saying. I didn't realize you were past that.
No, no, I was referring to cheers. If I got cheers,

Speaker 1 I wouldn't be married now. I wouldn't have the kid I have.
That's right. Does that make sense? Because everything I think happens

Speaker 1 in that order, I think. So anyway, I fly to New York.
It's a free trip to New York. I do my little audition.
And I don't even remember what I did. And I fly back to L.A.

Speaker 1 and three weeks later, I find myself sitting in a high-rise in Beverly Hills across from Lord Michaels. He's offering me a job on SNL.
And I said, thank you very much, Mr. Michaels.

Speaker 1 Let me think about it over the weekend. Did you really? I did.
That's the way it was. And why? Because that's me.
Not as a bit, but I really needed to.

Speaker 1 I wanted that job and he knew it. And he said, well, you think about it over the weekend.
We'll see you in New York on Monday. And he did.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 the truth is, and I look back on this now, and I don't know how much of this was kind of behind the scenes. We had the same manager.
It was Brad Gray at the time with Brillstein. Right.

Speaker 1 And so he handles, he was managing, Bernie Brillstein would handle

Speaker 1 Lauren, and Brad was me. And so

Speaker 1 it was almost like a setup. Lauren gave his pitch.

Speaker 1 I've taken it all in. And then he excuses himself to go to the restroom, give us time to talk, right?

Speaker 1 And Brad goes, just tell them what we're going to think about over the weekend. You know, just tell them, tell them what to think about over the weekend.

Speaker 1 And I knew that they must have had talked about that before. I'm just a pawn, right? Yeah, yeah.
And he comes back and it's killing me because I don't want to say that.

Speaker 1 I want to say, I'll take take it, man. Let's go.
So I go, he goes, so what do you think? I said, well,

Speaker 1 let me think about it over the weekend.

Speaker 1 He said, well, you think about it over the weekend. We'll see you in New York on Monday.
And that's what he did. He did.
And I was there on Monday. I love the story where

Speaker 1 I miss the subliminal.

Speaker 1 Subliminal was.

Speaker 1 The first thing you did on air? It was the first sketch I did. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Michael came came up to you. I'm sorry.
Lauren came up to you and said,

Speaker 1 you sure you want to do that? Well, he said something like this. He put his hand on my shoulder.
We're like 10 seconds away from the commercial coming back. He puts his hand on my shoulder.

Speaker 1 He goes, are you sure this is what you want?

Speaker 1 I said, let me think about it over the weekend.

Speaker 1 Oh, so he, did he mean the whole

Speaker 1 career of SNL and fame and all that, you know?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I was like, and this, this subliminal sketch is difficult to do because it's like two conversations going on at once. Right.

Speaker 1 You know, like, yeah, like I could be talking about Conan O'Brien, a loser, and I would just fit words in there

Speaker 1 that nobody, nobody would know I was saying failure. You know what I mean? Well, that was a bad example because that's kind of like

Speaker 1 what people say around here. Oh, yeah, maybe you're right.
Wait, one more on that. Cause I watched the one I saw was

Speaker 1 Marla and Donald Trump divorce headlines. Oh, right.
Was that your first one or no? No, no, I'd done a sketch. It was my, I'd done a sketch first with Victoria Jackson and John Lovitz.

Speaker 1 It was about an advertising exam.

Speaker 1 I went to school for marketing. So I have a degree in marketing.
So I knew about subliminal advertising.

Speaker 1 And I co-wrote this with Al Franken. And the gist was I would go in there and try to get people to do what I want by using, inserting words very quickly in the middle of a sentence.

Speaker 1 And Victoria was the secretary and John was the boss. And I would come in and I would say, hey, is

Speaker 1 Mr. Mannings in? No, he's not, but he'll see you in a minute.
Okay, that'll be fine right away. So let me ask you something.

Speaker 1 We should go out to dinner sometime, your treat, and, you know, we'll have a good time. He goes, I would love to.
Let me buy. Oh, that's all right.
That's very nice of you to say that.

Speaker 1 And then I go in and I'm sitting down talking to Lovitz. And I go, hey,

Speaker 1 you know, I was just thinking, Mets tickets. Are you going to be going to,

Speaker 1 you know, out of town?

Speaker 1 Yes, let me give you some MetTicketics. Would you like to use my Met tickets? You know, so it was that kind of thing.
It was more of a sketch and then it became more of a weekend update feature.

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Speaker 1 Who were the women there when you were there? The women there were Jan Hooks, who was so underrated. I mean, of all times.
Wonderful. So good.
She was such a great sketch player.

Speaker 1 And to this day, I think she's one of the top three that have been there over the years.

Speaker 1 So, yeah,

Speaker 1 Victoria Jackson, Laura Dunn, and Jan Hooks.

Speaker 1 I did a scene with them the one time. Boy, I was not cut out for that.
You didn't like it?

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 didn't like it, not like it. I just felt like I was surviving.
You know, and it's just

Speaker 1 so intense. I feel bad for the host because they're not used to that, especially hosts that aren't in front of a camera a lot.
Right. If they're stand-ups and know their own voice, it's fun, I think.

Speaker 1 I had fun, but it was scarier than that. It's scary.
It's scary. I mean, I've heard of hosts just collapsing.
And

Speaker 1 this is a crazy story. I had claustrophobia for

Speaker 1 several years from SNL.

Speaker 1 I went down to do in the makeup because I was playing Jay Leno. So they need to make a prosthetic chin for me.

Speaker 1 So they got to do that life mask. I think it's called or death mask.
It's plaster.

Speaker 1 And I've never had it done before. And they cover you with plastic so it doesn't drip on you.
And they cover up your ears and your mouth is closed. Straws in the nose.
Straws in the nose.

Speaker 1 And they start putting plaster all over you and it starts to harden. And I never thought it'd be a problem.
And it starts to get warm. It's hard.

Speaker 1 And you're thinking, oh my God, all this open is my nostrils. If they close those up, I'll suffocate.
Yeah. And I started to get panicky.
And I remember about to pass out. I was going like this.

Speaker 1 Take it off. Take it off.
And at last, and then the next thing I know, I'm smelling salts and I'm waking up.

Speaker 1 It is.

Speaker 1 Similar, not as intense, but it is very scary. You think you can do it and it'll be all right, but it's terrifying.
So I did it again because I didn't want to, you know, I wanted to get it done.

Speaker 1 I wanted to play Jay Leno

Speaker 1 and I almost passed out again. But two weeks later, I'm stopped in a subway between stations.
It's dark. I started getting that same feeling again.
And it's just snowballed from then.

Speaker 1 I started getting it more and more. It became almost agoraphobic.
I thought it was over for me. You know,

Speaker 1 I have to fly. I got to be on a plane to go places.
Even it got to the point where I was driving on the, like the 101 freeway and on the other side was backed up with traffic.

Speaker 1 I think, how am I going to get home? I got to, if I need to get home, it's backed up.

Speaker 1 So anyway, I worked through that over a couple of years. Now it doesn't bother me anymore.
But here is the nightmare of all nightmares. About a year later,

Speaker 1 I shudder when I think about this. Jeff Daniels is hosting the show.

Speaker 1 And he goes down to makeup. It's Friday night.
And Jim, the head writer, comes up to me and he's kind of, he goes, did you hear what you hear what's happening with Jeff Daniels right now?

Speaker 1 I go, no, what's happening? He goes, they can't get the plaster mask off his face. And I'm like, what?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 He goes, yeah.

Speaker 1 Somebody mixed the wrong, like somebody who used to work there had a vendetta and they mixed the wrong powders together so that when they did this, it was, he had a five o'clock growth on his face.

Speaker 1 Right. And he's got eyebrows and eyelashes.
It all stuck to that. They couldn't pull it off.
They could not pull it off.

Speaker 1 They tried pulling it away and pouring water down there because he's got the straws in his nose and it just gave him a bloody nose. There was bright red blood all over the plaster.

Speaker 1 And he goes, and if he, if he panics and throws up, he'll drown

Speaker 1 because there's no way for it to come out.

Speaker 1 And they were trying everything. So Lauren.

Speaker 1 You know, Lauren knows a lot of people. He calls a couple of plastic surgery buddies.
They're at a party. You know, it's Friday night.

Speaker 1 They come over with their black doctor's bag and they set up their camp there.

Speaker 1 They take out X-Acto knives and they pull the mask away and then they cut the eyebrows off of the mask, eyebrows, pull it off to here,

Speaker 1 cut the eyelashes off. Oh,

Speaker 1 get it all the way down into the beard and then giving him Novocaine shots as they're pulling it off. pulling it off, pulling it off.
He came in the next morning, splotchy face, red face.

Speaker 1 And I'm not supposed to know this this happened, you know? And he goes, did you hear what happened to me? I said, no, what happened?

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 It was like my biggest nightmare. And I hope he hadn't developed claustrophobia from that.
Oh, that's horrifying. Oh, my God.
I'm telling you,

Speaker 1 it's

Speaker 1 no, I can't even talk about it.

Speaker 1 You did that nine years?

Speaker 1 For nine years. But, you know, by the way, they don't do that anymore of the plaster.
It's all like, you know, digital 360 thing that going around.

Speaker 1 Thank God. I still have mine at home, by the way.
The mouth is like this.

Speaker 1 Somebody, I had one of those made and

Speaker 1 a brother-in-law of mine turned it into like a Chia pet thing where

Speaker 1 he planted, you know,

Speaker 1 this bush inside of my head. I like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was the scared, scared. I've never been so scared.
Do you ever look back on things that could have happened

Speaker 1 but didn't happen? And there's something in my head right now that I cannot shake. And this happened maybe four years ago.

Speaker 1 I was on a precipice over the ocean, kind of rocky, you know, in and out, little.

Speaker 1 High up. High up.
You know, maybe it was in Point Doom.

Speaker 1 And ocean is down below, the rocks. And I'm flying a drone.
Flying a drone. And I started backing up.

Speaker 1 And I'm kind of trying to find on backing up. And I was like this close to the edge.
And because I have a creative imagination, to this day, I picture myself falling off of that thing.

Speaker 1 And what if I took one more step back? And I can't shake that. Maybe I need to go back there and relive.
No, no, don't.

Speaker 1 Don't do that.

Speaker 1 I had so many near-misses as a kid. I used to climb trees.
And I remember falling down,

Speaker 1 I don't know, 30 feet, maybe falling down. And the branches were kind of catching me on the way down.
So it wasn't like a 30-foot bam.

Speaker 1 It, you know, caught me. And then the last eight feet, I landed on my back.
But my, on like eight inches from my head on one side was this boulder.

Speaker 1 And the other side was a metal stake for some reason. It had been driven out of the ground.
And there are just so many things that it's like. I know.
I know. Did you read that book?

Speaker 1 It's called, I think, The Anxious Generation? It talks about how the generation now is anxious because they're always on their devices. They're not out.
They're risk adversed, right?

Speaker 1 Because they're not climbing trees like you did or riding bicycles. They're all inside playing video games and, you know, not taking any chances.
And

Speaker 1 nobody's making them take a chance.

Speaker 1 So, and that's another reason about the hiking. I think it's good to get away from all that and get outside and take some risks.

Speaker 1 go

Speaker 1 that was a big talking point in the things i was reading about the appalachian trail Conservancy was the mental health aspect of it.

Speaker 1 And there's so much of people either undiagnosed or not treating it in this country.

Speaker 1 And as simple as taking hikes, being in nature. Yeah.
I mean, there's a lot of distractions in life, too.

Speaker 1 Maybe you've had the same thing. I hope so.
I hope so. You know, it's something that goes wrong with me.
I like to talk to other people and I like them to say, oh, I get that all the time.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? That makes you feel good. It does.
Yeah. Oh, I get that.
That's nothing. So

Speaker 1 I poured a glass of milk

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 took the milk and went away. Probably had some cookies.

Speaker 1 And I go back to get the milk. I can't find the milk.

Speaker 1 And I said, honey, you know where the milk is? That should be in the refrigerator. I can't find it.
I go to get another glass out of the cupboard. I put it in the cupboard with the other glasses.

Speaker 1 That was the first time it happened.

Speaker 1 I didn't tell anybody. I took it out and go, ooh, that's not good.
Put it in the refrigerator. Wait till you get a little older.
I'm almost 78. And I'll,

Speaker 1 if I'm, if I'm, you know, if my mental health and my anxiety level is good,

Speaker 1 acceptable, then I pretty much remember why I went into this room. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But, but

Speaker 1 you're always questioning, did I legitimately just have a lot on my mind? Or is this

Speaker 1 yeah. Welcome to my new life.

Speaker 1 So I, about six months after that, I'm on the road somewhere and my wife sends me a video. The video is going down the cupboards and then she opens the glass cupboard.

Speaker 1 The milk is back in there.

Speaker 1 That's great.

Speaker 1 And,

Speaker 1 you know, it's not, that's not the only thing. I mean, there's other things going on too.
Like I'll leave the car running because I had an electric car and it's quiet.

Speaker 1 And you get out just, you know, and and so then there's the hybrid car who's quiet too. And I get out and my wife again in the morning goes, you left the car running all night.

Speaker 1 I said, yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, you're right. I did.

Speaker 1 You left the stove on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it's just on the small. It's the pilot.
People used to heat their houses by leaving it on. It's nothing that's going to happen.
So I was doing this benefit for Alzheimer's.

Speaker 1 And there's a lot of

Speaker 1 neurologists there.

Speaker 1 And I said to one, I told that one about the milk.

Speaker 1 She goes,

Speaker 1 look, in this world, there's so many distractions. I say, yeah, right.
Yep. There's distractions.
He goes, there's cell phones. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 And so I went out there thinking, okay, that's good.

Speaker 1 I was just distracted. That's all.
It's like when you walk into a party and somebody hands you a glass of wine, you haven't even had a sip yet. And you knock it over by something happens and

Speaker 1 it falls. Everyone in the party turns and looks and goes, oh, dead.
Yeah, really hammered.

Speaker 1 And if you do this,

Speaker 1 you're Alzheimer's, dementias, right around the corner. My wife wanted me to go see a neurologist to see if I had dementia.
We did that. We did that because we went, no, what we're reading is you can

Speaker 1 do things to be preventative. You can exercise your brain.
You can, you know, brush your teeth with the other hand.

Speaker 1 You do things that aren't habitual. Do things that surprise you and you don't know how to do.
Learn a language. Play a violin, even if you can't.
I tried to learn a language. It didn't happen.

Speaker 1 Three years. No.
Three years. Spanish with a woman in Mexico City,

Speaker 1 twice a week. Cause I always thought I'm learning Spanish.
I don't care.

Speaker 1 What age I'm at right now. I'm going to learn it.
And people always go, why are you learning now? It's almost like, you're going to be dead soon, right?

Speaker 1 I said, I want to learn it. I'm going to, and you know, the problem is I didn't have a lot of time to study it.
So I was just doing the classes.

Speaker 1 Three years later, I said, you know what? I'm going to take a break. You know.
How are you with jokes? Jokes? Standing. You're standing up.
I don't know any jokes.

Speaker 1 How are you with your story, the order of your stories that you're telling when you do stand-up? I'm good. I've been doing it for 46 years.
Right. Because I didn't get that job on share.
So fuck it.

Speaker 1 I had to. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did, and my brain's going. yeah

Speaker 1 um

Speaker 1 do you know that um the postman john ratzenberg john ratzenberg yeah we went to the same college and he got thrown out of the college really yeah bridgeboard connecticut tell me that no he's embarrassed about that uh i don't know what he got thrown out for but and then he went on to tell me how he i guess you know developed those little packaging things like sitting at the bar

Speaker 1 the little cardboard crinkly things like an accordion for packing so there wouldn't be all the plastic and stuff. Just sitting at the bar.
Cheers. He just had nothing else to do.

Speaker 1 It went into production and they did really well. Yeah.
Sizzle?

Speaker 1 Pack.

Speaker 1 Is that the name of his company? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I love that. I mean, I don't like wasting paper, but the one thing I cannot, this is like my biggest pet peeve.
You open a box and they got that styrofoam peanuts. Can't stick it.

Speaker 1 They fall everywhere and they stick together. You can't get them off.
Yes. And it's like, oh,

Speaker 1 I don't even want what's in the box. Yeah.
You know? Yeah. Put those paper sizzles in there.

Speaker 1 He's an interesting guy. I love him.
Yeah, I haven't seen him in a long time. We did, I think, Woody.
You notice Woody's not here. I love Woody.
I do too. Have you ever worked with him?

Speaker 1 On Saturday Night Live. He was hosting once.
Yeah. And this is, I'll always remember this.
I'm in the makeup room.

Speaker 1 I'm watching, you know, come back from a commercial and I see Woody sitting at a desk in the classroom. And he's just flipping the pencil around.

Speaker 1 Somebody goes, comes comes in and they go, you're in this sketch. You're supposed to be, you're supposed to be right now.

Speaker 1 And he just fiddled the pencil. He knew I wasn't there.
So I had to crawl into the cameras, right, and get up and climb into my desk. And

Speaker 1 that was, that was like the only time that's ever really happened to me. But one of my favorite sketches with Woody was, I wrote this one.
He was in the hospital recovering. He was a soldier.

Speaker 1 And all you could do is see his face. And he goes, Doc, how am I doing? You're going to be all right.
I said, yeah, you're going to be all right. I I said, but the bad news is

Speaker 1 you lost a leg.

Speaker 1 What about my

Speaker 1 other leg is okay? Gone. Both gone.

Speaker 1 Anyway, it went on and on until the only thing left was his face.

Speaker 1 And I would hand him a cigarette.

Speaker 1 All gone. Legs, gone, arms, you know.
But yeah, he's great. Did you learn lines?

Speaker 1 Are you you into the

Speaker 1 card? No, I don't like cue cards. Yeah, I see it a lot.
I see the crap out of me.

Speaker 1 I see it a lot, you know, and it kind of disappoints me because anybody could do it if you're reading off the cards, you know, and they're just on the cards.

Speaker 1 I mean, not everybody does, but I look back at our

Speaker 1 cast.

Speaker 1 It wasn't a lot of like going off the cards. Felton Heston did it.
He hosted once. I did.
Yes, but,

Speaker 1 you know. But

Speaker 1 we held the tablet for him. You know, the lines were on the tablet.

Speaker 1 But anyway,

Speaker 1 yeah, we would learn the lines. And I understand how in between the shows on SNL, they make changes.

Speaker 1 So sometimes

Speaker 1 you're not sure what they change. So you kind of rely.
But there's a way of looking at the cute cards. That's really, see, I was a good cheater in high school.

Speaker 1 So I kind of know how to look at things without being

Speaker 1 noticed. And

Speaker 1 who was it? Dabney Coleman was on once.

Speaker 1 He goes, I miss him. What a wonderful boy.
Oh, yeah, he was great. It was a campfire scene.
And he goes, can you just keep moving the cue cards around?

Speaker 1 So I'll be like looking around and I could just read it that way. I thought, that's pretty clever.
I like that.

Speaker 1 And Phil Harmon would be always give instructions to the host how to read the cue cards, how to find them. And there was three, you know, one here, one here, one here.

Speaker 1 So you always knew you could look anywhere. So that's definitely an art.
Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 It would throw me into panic. I did soap operas in New York when I first got there.
And that was back when it was almost live, but not quite. That's when you had to learn a lot of lines.
Yeah. Like a

Speaker 1 10 pages. Actors Nightmare.
And you got them the night before. Yeah.
Yeah. That's when they delivered them to your house on the doorstep.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They used to have either cue cards or those little teleprompters,

Speaker 1 scroll-like things or whatever.

Speaker 1 And I'd be doing kind of okay.

Speaker 1 I've got my lines, and then peripherally, you see the three union guys holding whatever it is they're holding. And this guy was holding a teleprompter.

Speaker 1 All of a sudden, I see him look at it, turn around, shake it, and I'm gone. You know, it's like, oh,

Speaker 1 it's horrible. I never got past panic in soap operas.
What soap operas were you on? Somerset.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Somerset.
And the doctors for a few days. The doctors.
You were a patient that died? No, I was

Speaker 1 the expert reassuring the parents, you know, and I was trembling and pouring sweat and they were very calm about their daughter who was dying.

Speaker 1 Why is it that whenever somebody comes across someone on the street that's dying or in a hospital, they're always like, you're going to be okay. You're all right.
You're going to be okay.

Speaker 1 For my sake, you're going to be okay. You're going to be okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they die before they can even say the K. You're going to be,

Speaker 1 okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 So wait, you're, you're on the road now? I'm touring right now. I have a special coming out.
It's called Loosen the Crotch. I know.
I love that. I like that.

Speaker 1 And that'll be out soon. And I'm touring.
I'm doing a lot of stand-up. I'm doing that hiking show.
And

Speaker 1 I'm an artist.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 God, are you an artist? Seriously.

Speaker 1 Somebody in the notes said caricatures. And

Speaker 1 they're way beyond that. They're really wonderful.
Yeah, I love doing it. I've been doing caricature work since I was a kid, but never to this level.
You know, I just do a quick doodle of, you know,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 over the years, I just started doing more and more and right before the pandemic i would go on the internet on instagram and i would see some of these amazing artists doing caricatures i thought

Speaker 1 i've never even went that far so i started kind of studying them and um started drawing and practicing and and um just got to that point they're not i mean because character caricatures usually in my mind take some aspect of some feature and make it silly and big and you go oh yeah.

Speaker 1 Yours are really, I don't know, I'd be proud to have a caricature of me look like what you do. I mean, it's, it's their art.
They're not silly, right? Not making fun of or simple.

Speaker 1 They're subtle kind of exaggerations.

Speaker 1 You know, I started doing this. A year before the pandemic and also throughout the pandemic.
And I found that it was really rewarding for me because as a stand-up, you know, you get laughs.

Speaker 1 You make people happy. You get laughs.
This was a non-verbal way of getting laughs.

Speaker 1 I would post it on Instagram and people would love it and they would get a kick out of it and they would laugh at it. Do or do what is the medium?

Speaker 1 It's a mixed medium. It's sketch.
Yeah. And then I do a whack-um, which is a digital.
And then I paint. With what? Oil or acrylic?

Speaker 1 Acrylic. Yeah.
So there are hard copies.

Speaker 1 Everything you've done is. Yeah.
And how big is it? How big are you?

Speaker 1 It's, I can make prints too and put them on canvas. So that's what I do.

Speaker 1 And I haven't done any in like a year because when I did that book, I was so burnt out from doing so many. I've done a couple, like,

Speaker 1 you know, friends that wanted something done. I did their father or whatever.
But as far as a celebrity, I'm working. I'm

Speaker 1 starting to go with Billy Joel. It's my next one.
Did you see that documentary? No, I haven't yet. I saw the first half.
It's really good. Yeah.
Really good.

Speaker 1 I'll send you a list of movies to watch. Don't worry about it.
I have it.

Speaker 1 Do you have a note? Do you keep notes in your phone? Like, do you have the note app? I do. I use that all the time.
I got like 8,000 notes.

Speaker 1 And one of my notes is movies to watch that I hear from friends recommending them. And I got a slew of them.

Speaker 1 And then I have another place that I save in my Instagrams where films that directors recommend.

Speaker 1 Do you go back and

Speaker 1 do it? Because you know how sometimes you sit down in front of the TV and go, what can I watch? I know. And you can't think of anything.
And you're scrolling through everything.

Speaker 1 And it's like when there was Blockbuster, remember Blockbuster? Yeah, I did. Video store? It was so overwhelming.
You walk in there and it's like,

Speaker 1 and I usually ended up renting something I already saw already. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you were grateful when you, this little envelope and it said Netflix on it. And you take the one little envelope home and do it.
And then you mail it. It was easier.

Speaker 1 I thought that was the most ridiculous thing. I don't want to mail something back and forth.
know? Yeah. That place is not going to be open very long.
No.

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Speaker 1 Do you think if you have a garage in your house, it increases your chances of inventing something?

Speaker 1 Because people always seem to develop things in their garage. Like Jeff Bezos, I think, came up with Amazon's garage, Netflix.

Speaker 1 We don't understand. We turn all of our garages into another room.
Have you ever had a car in a garage? Never. Me neither.
Never. Wasted space.
Never had it. Get that garage door off of there.

Speaker 1 And I won't own a car that if I ding the door against some tree or something, I'm going to get upset.

Speaker 1 You know. Yeah.
I grew up

Speaker 1 in a home.

Speaker 1 My father's an aeronautical engineer, and my mother's housewife. And there's five of us kids.
And it wasn't a huge house, but my father designed it and built it with two off-duty firemen.

Speaker 1 So the sprinklers are great in the house, by the way.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 the garage never had a car in there. There was a freezer for, you know, extra stuff that we have room for.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then there was just junk, junk. And my brother had a Carmen Guilla in there that he was trying to change the look of by putting a lot of bondo on the outside.

Speaker 1 He was trying to make it look like some new kind of car. And it just sat there, weighed like 800,000 pounds with all the bondo on it.
Never, and junk everywhere.

Speaker 1 And I would clean it out like every, maybe once every eight months, I'd clean it out because I couldn't stand it. I couldn't even walk through there.
So I cleaned it out and cleaned it.

Speaker 1 And to this day, if there's something out of place in our garage, I just, I can't have it. I can't have it.
So we've moved a few times in the last few years. So there were so many boxes in the garage.

Speaker 1 And I said, we got to go through this stuff because a lot of this stuff, we're just moving from house to house. And I went through it and I got rid of so much stuff.
I got rid of so much stuff. And,

Speaker 1 but things start accumulating again. You know, it's like this.
Stuff is not as hard as pieces of paper or photographs that go back to your childhood. You know,

Speaker 1 that box takes you two days and a, you know, choking back tears as you go through it. Kind of divorce impossible.
Yes, correct.

Speaker 1 Well, I will tell you that I

Speaker 1 did go through the photo albums and, you know, I was divorced once before. And there's like pictures that I don't want to look at anymore.
You know, but I decided that,

Speaker 1 especially after the fires, I'm

Speaker 1 scaling down on things, you know, so I don't want to lose stuff. So I scanned all the physical pictures.
There's a company, the companies that'll do it. You send them the hard code.

Speaker 1 You send them a name. Yeah, and they'll scan it.
And it's like 49 cents a picture. So that becomes a lot of money.
And I did half of them.

Speaker 1 But you're looking through them, you're thinking, well, this is close enough to this picture. I don't need this one.

Speaker 1 You know, this one's just, because when you have kids too, it's like, I've never seen my kid from, not from behind the camera growing up.

Speaker 1 It was always, it used to be, it used to be me, me, me, me, me, me, me. And then he was born, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, me, him, him, him, him, him, me.
And now he's off to college.

Speaker 1 Now it's like, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Speaker 1 But yeah, it really, um, I do have a problem with clutter. But I will tell you,

Speaker 1 I have compassion for people that are hoarders.

Speaker 1 I was stopped at a stoplight, and I looked at the woman across me in her car. She was a hoarder.
She had things stacked up behind her and on the dashboard. I don't know how she even saw.

Speaker 1 But then I saw

Speaker 1 on her right side on top of some box, I saw a package of Pepperidge Farm double chocolate mulatto cookies, my favorite. And I thought, well,

Speaker 1 she's okay. She's not that bad.

Speaker 1 She's got good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can understand that.

Speaker 1 So you grew up Catholic? I was, yeah. I was Catholic.
So as to notice, Catholic?

Speaker 1 You went to church every Sunday? I went to church every Sunday, but we never got there in time. You had to get there before the communion.
Otherwise, it wouldn't count. Yes.
I was going to church.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was it a family affair? No, my mother's Protestant. By the way, I just found out I have a half-brother.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Walk me through that.

Speaker 1 The just found out part. About a year and a half ago.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm on 23andMe, but I never check it. Because in the beginning, you know, it's like, hey, I think we got a second cousin that's really once removed cousin.

Speaker 1 I said, I don't have time for that. right?

Speaker 1 So my sister's still on it and she gets

Speaker 1 a message from a woman that says, hey, I think we have somebody, a relative in common. And

Speaker 1 this woman researched it more and it comes back to my sister, my father's name, and then her father's name under it. So her father is my half-brother.

Speaker 1 And so My sister didn't know what to tell us, how she would react, we would react to it. Cause my father, we just, he's like the greatest guy, still is, you know, didn't really affect us.
But

Speaker 1 we were all amused by it.

Speaker 1 And that's crazy. And this is before he got married, a month before.
Right.

Speaker 1 And so this guy. So it was okay news for the whole family.
Yeah, we were fine with it. But for him, it was devastating because he woke up all of a sudden.
Those siblings aren't his full siblings.

Speaker 1 The father is not his biological father. Right.

Speaker 1 And now he's got this other family that he doesn't know that are, you know, half.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so he kind of got through that. And we started communicating with him and

Speaker 1 emailing and talking. Then he eventually came to see me in San Diego.
I was performing down there and we hung out.

Speaker 1 And he brought a handkerchief because he thought he might get overwhelmed by, you know, not my material, but by being, you know, in my presence.

Speaker 1 And he even said once, he goes, Kevin, I haven't said anything about this to anybody because, you know, I don't want the, I'm sure the paparazzi and everything.

Speaker 1 I said, Dan, you don't need to worry about the paparazzi anymore in fact i encourage you put it out there put it out there

Speaker 1 by the way a friend of mine i don't know if you get this a friend of mine i do a tv a radio show in austin like once a year he's like the howard stern of austin and we usually go out to have lunch afterwards and the last time i was there a couple years ago

Speaker 1 he goes i don't know if you um noticed that but i i've noticed that you're not getting you're not getting recognized as much anymore

Speaker 1 i said you know what i didn't think about that but you're right It was a gradual boiling water.

Speaker 1 You get that?

Speaker 1 I do. I do.
I go, I can, because of

Speaker 1 a show called The Good Place. Yes.
And young people watch that. So I have a little new crowd of younger folks.

Speaker 1 Or I get people,

Speaker 1 you should do something. You should get back to work.

Speaker 1 Is Ted Danza still alive?

Speaker 1 Or the elevator. I go in today.

Speaker 1 Oh, you were in. And I started, I fell into the trap of naming what they might be thinking.
Right. About four, four down the list.
We finally got it. And it was like, I knew we could do it.

Speaker 1 There you go. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So the half-brother,

Speaker 1 you know, we started kind of figuring out what it was. His father never knew.
My parents never knew. They've all passed.

Speaker 1 And the mother, who's 97, the grandmother, the woman who found, you know, she went to her and said,

Speaker 1 I really want the truth. Is Emmett Neal and your

Speaker 1 son?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I was with him for one night, and it's possible.

Speaker 1 It's a one-night thing. Wow.
And this woman, they grew up in the Bronx, and she used to live across the street with her family. And this is not complicated, but it sounds complicated.
Her sister.

Speaker 1 married my father's brother. So there was connection with the families.

Speaker 1 And so Dan, my brother, would say, I would go to these reunions because, you know, we're all part of the family, that connection right there.

Speaker 1 And I would see dad.

Speaker 1 It was weird having him say dad because it's like, that's your dad, too. Yeah.
I would see him there. I thought, this guy's really cool.
I like this guy, you know? And I'd see him a few times there.

Speaker 1 And then he comes to find out that was his father, you know. And at first I thought, well, did we need to bring that out in the open?

Speaker 1 I mean, did, I mean, wouldn't it be better just to let it go because everybody's kind of gone now? But I think for his sake, it needed to be out. And I think for ours too.

Speaker 1 We have family members,

Speaker 1 in-laws that found out the same thing before he wasn't married. And so it was all, excuse me, it was all in the up and up, but he didn't know about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they are now

Speaker 1 like family. You know, he has grandkids now with.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, they are family. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, this, this, my brother Dan lives in San Diego. I've lived out here 45 years and never knew he was that close even.
And he's a month older than my sister.

Speaker 1 And what happened was my father got back from Okinawa, this good-looking guy, you know, and the Bronx. And he had met my mother before, but he went back to Okinawa.

Speaker 1 And finally, he came back and he was, she was in Washington at the Pentagon working as a secretary for a general there. So he would write her letters every day.
Please come back. I'm home.

Speaker 1 And she's kind of pursuing her career and she went to modeling school too. And so the letters became less and less.
And then

Speaker 1 one night

Speaker 1 he was kind of mourning the loss of his brother in Korea, who was married to this woman's sister. He was killed by a sniper.
So he's kind of mourning that. She had a fight with her husband.

Speaker 1 for like four days. So she came over.
I don't know if they had a couple of drinks, but it happened that night. And that was that.

Speaker 1 And then my mother came back from Washington and they went up to Maine and got married a month later. I don't know if, I don't know if she was pregnant by my father.
So they decided to get married.

Speaker 1 Back then, you know, you get married if you're pregnant.

Speaker 1 And then they moved to St. Louis where my father went to school.
So that was the whole gist of it. And this guy, Dan, this guy, my brother Dan, he looks more like my father than we do.

Speaker 1 He reminds me of one of my uncles when we were growing up at the reunions. You know, you see them all the cigars.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 yeah, so that was an interesting kind of piece of pie. And then I started thinking,

Speaker 1 maybe there's other ones out there. You know, because back then nobody really used protection, right?

Speaker 1 You're asking me. Yeah.
Back then, what did you do back then?

Speaker 1 I hoped and prayed and found no need. You gave me the craziest look.
Like, I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 But he was in France for like seven months because he was in the Merchant Marines too. And the hull of their ship cracked in the English channel.

Speaker 1 So they had to dock there until it got fixed for seven months. I've seen home movies in Okinawa, black and white, you know, the home movies, no sound.

Speaker 1 And there's Geisha girls walking behind them with the fans. So I'm thinking, I don't know, man.
I should look at 23 again, 23 and me.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is now a dating site, by the way. Was that.

Speaker 1 Was that you before you got married? Were you all over the place? Did you have many loves? I mean, France and stuff? No, no, I had many loves. No, I didn't.
I was really shy.

Speaker 1 I did not date throughout high school.

Speaker 1 I didn't date in college. Yeah.
I was just, I was, I was timid. I was, I did not, I guess I didn't want to be rejected.

Speaker 1 Yeah. If they kissed me, I got married.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And also, I was always, because I was raised Catholic, I was always

Speaker 1 instilled that if you got someone pregnant, it's going to ruin your life at this age. It'll ruin your life.
So I was so worried about getting somebody pregnant. I eventually lost my virginity

Speaker 1 to an elf. I was a department star Santa Claus.

Speaker 1 That's the chapter in the book. I lost my virginity to an elf.

Speaker 1 So that was in San Diego. And then I lost a little bit more of it in San Francisco and then a little bit more of it in Stanford.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I want to get this, but as far as, you know, I was raised Catholic, but it wasn't like a stringent kind of a Catholic, you know, and I, and I love Christmas and stuff.

Speaker 1 But I think I'm at that point now where I'm kind of like agnostic, you know.

Speaker 1 As far as the God thing, what is your, what's your center, though, your moral center, your guiding light kind of thing? Is it your wife? Talking to your wife.

Speaker 1 Money. It's money.
Money. Okay.

Speaker 1 We all can understand that now. We have a good example.
Well, no, it is, it is, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm better than, I don't know, I think I'm a good person. And it's, you know, I think you, you're raised, my parents raised me right.

Speaker 1 My son is great. Um, so I do think religion is good because it gives you hope and it gives you something to hold on to when you're going through hard times and prayer and all that.
But I think

Speaker 1 the longer I live

Speaker 1 scientifically, I think that It's a long shot. You know, I listen to some of these people

Speaker 1 that talk about it and very knowledgeable about it. Like there's 300,000 religions, but your religion is the right one.
Well,

Speaker 1 that's the insanity. That's the insanity.
Because

Speaker 1 faith is this living, pathless kind of thing, I think. But again, I am all for people having faith because it helps them get through difficult times.

Speaker 1 For me, I don't, I really, and I never thought I'd say this because I grew up, you know, in that, in that religion. But it makes sense to me now that in any kind of, how did the world start?

Speaker 1 How did this all, what was first, you know, I don't think we're even capable of comprehending that or what, or even maybe there wasn't even what was first, you know, it's just too, we're just, we're such minuscule

Speaker 1 bats. Yeah.
You know, this huge universe and all the universes. Yeah.
And we think we have the answer. I know.
My dad was an archaeologist. He was? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I grew up around, you know, as little, three years ago. Now, when you say an archaeologist, did he have a metal detector? And that's what he did.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, he was the real deal, digging holes in the ground and finding stuff, villages and people. Wow.

Speaker 1 I love that stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This was in Tucson. And,

Speaker 1 but anyway, I was... had my share of skulls and bones and all of that surrounding my growing up.
And it was kind of a clear,

Speaker 1 I played hard with my friends, so I didn't soak this up, but it came back to me over the years that there's a lot that's come before us and a lot that will come after us. This time it's not about you.

Speaker 1 It's about your stewardship

Speaker 1 of what you've been given, which brings us back to the Appalachian Trail, which you seem to know so much about. Oh my God, it's a great trail.

Speaker 1 I am actually going to audition and take that away from you. I think I should be the spokesperson.
They're They're looking for someone older still.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, Mr. Dalen, but

Speaker 1 we need somebody who actually hiked on the trail. Oh, that ain't me.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 But you're a hiker, aren't you? You like going, you know, we walk 45-minute walks up and down hills. You and Mary? Yeah.
Where do you live? Underneath where you used to live in the palace that we're

Speaker 1 going to be in.

Speaker 1 Oh, your fire was that. Yeah.
Do you got hit with a fire? No, we got hit with the smoke. We were all out for like like three months, but we were very lucky, very blessed.

Speaker 1 You know, it really makes you aware of what is valuable to you in life when there's a fire coming your way. Like we were in the evacuation warning zone, and I was out of town at the time.

Speaker 1 And my wife... That's Palestine, though, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 My wife was in Palm Springs with our son.

Speaker 1 And I see what's happening that we're in the evacuation zone now, warning. So I called

Speaker 1 my friend. I said, would you do me a favor? Would you run up to the house and get those five external drives and that Gibson guitar? You know, Gibson guitar

Speaker 1 gets that. The next day, the fire's not there yet, but it's getting a little closer.
I said, Will you go back and get that Fender guitar and that mechanical pencil on the table?

Speaker 1 It got less and less valuable each time.

Speaker 1 There was an apple I left on the counter.

Speaker 1 And oh, oh, the calf, open the cupboard. Don't be a glass of milk.
There's a gallon of milk in the cupboard.

Speaker 1 But, but yeah

Speaker 1 so now i uh i know what's valuable to me now yeah and i keep it by the door and we also have the evacuation kits we have the fire kit the earthquake kit you know food in it that's been the one that it's like 120 pounds and you killed yourself trying to get it off the shelf we got the radio that you wind up because it doesn't require energy and electricity and I've been eating out of that earthquake thing.

Speaker 1 Like sometimes we not have food in the refrigerator. All we have left, I think, is a can of of tuna in there.
But I'm not telling her that.

Speaker 1 She'll find out.

Speaker 1 We'll never get out of the house anyway. Come on.
What do you do when you finish your set and you're in?

Speaker 1 Well, hopefully. You know, I've been touring with

Speaker 1 Adam Sandler lately. And after that, it's like 11.30 at night.
It's

Speaker 1 restaurants, steakhouses, big meals. He's not that much younger than us.
So what the fuck? How can he get away with that?

Speaker 1 Well, he plays basketball every day.

Speaker 1 So what I do typically is I've been doing it a long time. And I used to kind of maybe go out to clubs afterwards, you know.
But now it's, I, I spend most of the time at the hotel.

Speaker 1 I don't go to the mall and see a movie because there's Netflix and things, you know. And also I edit a lot.
I edit those hikes and I paint and I draw and I use the gym.

Speaker 1 So it's really everything I need. And usually sometimes there's people in town that I know and they always invite me to their house.
I don't want to go to somebody's house. I want room service.

Speaker 1 I don't want to stay there. I don't have to make my bed.
Yeah. You know?

Speaker 1 So that's pretty much what I do. And

Speaker 1 by the time you wake up, this is silly, but I can't imagine doing theater or anything that takes place creatively after this morning.

Speaker 1 I woke up at 5.30 this morning. Yeah.
And I was out doing stand-up last night. I don't need a lot of sleep,

Speaker 1 but I just need patient people because I'm not awake and I know what I'm talking about. But I only need like five or six hours of sleep.
How about you? I get up early.

Speaker 1 Six is cutting it, but six is what I do. Six is good.
I think the older you get, the less sleep you need. Your body says, Move, move.
Your body is saying, hey, you've only got so much time left.

Speaker 1 You want to get up or do you want to sleep through it? You know, I know something you don't. Get up.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. When you get to a certain age,

Speaker 1 you really start kind of thinking,

Speaker 1 you know what really makes me comfortable is seeing these guys like Mick Jagger, you know, and Paul Snow, all these guys that are into their 80s now, they're still rocking it.

Speaker 1 Before, you know, when we were growing up, that was like

Speaker 1 we're in a retirement home then, you know? Stay creative, I'm guessing. Stay creative and keep moving.

Speaker 1 Stay engaged. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 1 I keep telling my father that when he was older, I said, dad, you got to keep moving. You got to keep moving.
But there comes a point where you can't move anymore.

Speaker 1 Tell me about Susan or or do you guys not talk about each other? Which Susan?

Speaker 1 Fuck, did I just miss your wife's name? Yeah, what's her name?

Speaker 1 Susan is amazing. She, we've been married for 20 years.
Met. How? Oh,

Speaker 1 good question. I have been divorced for three years.
Right.

Speaker 1 And I was wondering if I would ever have children again. You know, I always wanted children.
I never had children before, not with my ex-wife.

Speaker 1 And I was hosting a show at the time called The Conspiracy Zone, where, you know, we dealt with different conspiracies. And my friend, John Henson, invited me to be a guest on this talk show pilot.

Speaker 1 So I got there a little bit late, and it was me and Kevin James and Ray Romano as the guests. And I got there late.
The show had started already.

Speaker 1 And I go into the makeup trailer and Susan is sitting in the chair right there, bored. She was like the comedic fashion correspondent for the show, bored.
I see her.

Speaker 1 And like I said, on the way over, I'm thinking, I wonder if I,

Speaker 1 you know, I'll ever have a kids.

Speaker 1 And because I knew that. Seriously, you had a bad thought.
Yeah. And I, cause I knew that actors,

Speaker 1 you know, women can adopt a kid, single women can adopt a child. You hear about that all the time.
Can an actor, a guy do that? So I go past her. I say hi.
I think she's cute.

Speaker 1 And two chairs down is my makeup artist. I sit in there.
And I said to her, I said, you know, you hear about women adopting a kid, single women. Can a guy that's single adopt a kid?

Speaker 1 And she kind of looked, Susan looked, she thought it was either the best pickup line or the worst pickup line.

Speaker 1 And we just hung out that night. You You know, they were running behind.
We had a lot of laughs. And

Speaker 1 I invited her to come out and have drinks with all of us that night. She goes, I wish I could, but I got to get up early in the morning.

Speaker 1 What she didn't tell me was she had to go home and break up with her boyfriend. On again, off again, boyfriend.
Do you think as a result of your conversation?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, I love it.
Yeah. Totally.
Yeah. I mean, this was not a true boyfriend.
It was the on again. Yeah, yeah.
Nevertheless.

Speaker 1 So she told me this later. She goes, do you know, I went home and I recently and I immediately called my mother.
I said, mom, I just met the man I'm going to marry. Wow.

Speaker 1 And I went home and I told my wife, I said, hon, I just met the woman I'm leaving you for. But that's, that's how I met her.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And, um, and then we got, we got married in Bellagio in Italy on Lake Como. It was beautiful.
And that's a story in itself. I'm.
divorced, but the settlement is not complete. Been there.
You have to?

Speaker 1 Yes, literally. Oh, really? Yeah.
You been to Bellagio?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 So I'm trying to keep it on the down low. I got engaged, right?

Speaker 1 We go off to, it's just me and her.

Speaker 1 We go off to Italy. We stay in Lacoma for a few days.
Then we take the boat over to Bellagio. I'm thinking, this is great.
Nobody's going to know. You know, if there's a settlement, it'll be great.

Speaker 1 We show up to that little library in that plaza, and they had the mayor there with a sash on. And we hired, we gave 20 euros to two, you know, two local people to witness it.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 we're getting married. And as we're getting married, I look out the window

Speaker 1 and there's a throng of photographers out there.

Speaker 1 And also there's a photographer inside and nobody knows who he is. And he's got a camera.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I come out and I there's snapping pictures.

Speaker 1 I said,

Speaker 1 what happened was Matt Damon was there like a couple months before looking for a place to get married. They heard an American celebrity was coming to get married.
So they thought it was Matt Damon.

Speaker 1 They all took the boats over to Bellagio. Oh, you mean like a crap load of photographers? Oh, a lot of photographers.
Yeah. You know, Matt Damon photographers.
Yeah. At that level.

Speaker 1 And I come out and they're taking pictures. I said, guys, I am not Matt Damon.
I'm not Matt Damon.

Speaker 1 And we're walking down and, you know, the people in the restaurants are throwing us flowers and the photographers are taking pictures. And I'm like, horrified.

Speaker 1 I'm like, this is going to be a real costly wedding. And we wake up the next morning.
We're sitting by the, you know, the lake in a cafe. And this guy next to us is reading in the Italian newspaper.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. And there's a picture of us on the front.
And it says, non-eda Matt Damon.

Speaker 1 I still have that paper, by the way. And of course, she found out.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it was an expensive wedding. It was an expensive wedding.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it was beautiful. Yeah.
How wonderful. So anyway, yeah.
So the Conservancy,

Speaker 1 100th anniversary of the Conservancy.

Speaker 1 Nice, nice. The trail is still there after 100 years.
Do you know? I see. Damn it.
I wish you had been like their spokesperson for years because like I want to know how many people actually

Speaker 1 hikers people

Speaker 1 through the whole

Speaker 1 thing. I wonder, because a lot of people go do

Speaker 1 Virginia or did it or whatever. Yeah, I don't know.
But something I should have told you before.

Speaker 1 I did this hiking show on YouTube, hiking with Kevin.

Speaker 1 I was doing a hike three days before the fire, hit Will Rogers,

Speaker 1 and I'm doing a little intro. And I'm just walking and the leaves look like it was autumn.
And I was just talking about the trees.

Speaker 1 I'm saying, what are the odds that these trees would all still be here in 2025? Wow. And sure enough, three days later.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you,

Speaker 1 so you, I read you were like the honorary mayor of, so that's right.

Speaker 1 You were not in the fire zone, but you must have. Our houses that we used to own there were burned down.

Speaker 1 And then we had another house we bought up in the highlands. Right.
It was the only house left in the cul-de-sac.

Speaker 1 But, you know, smoke damage. Are you there? Are you back there? No, I mean, we didn't, we sold that one too.
We got out of there a couple of years ago, you know, before the fires. But yeah, that was

Speaker 1 a, it's like Pompeii. I know.

Speaker 1 I haven't yet, to be honest. I haven't yet.
Have you gone up there? I've turned through. I haven't.
No, I did. I did.
And the views are amazing now with all the houses.

Speaker 1 You can see the mountains and the ocean.

Speaker 1 But it's really surreal to go up there and to see that.

Speaker 1 And, you know, now I guess they've kind of cleared out all the lots and they're starting to build again.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 I have so many friends. I'm sure you do.
Wow. You must, having lived there for a long time.
Yeah, a lot of people.

Speaker 1 Oh, I want to ask you one thing about the archaeology thing, and then I'm going to let you go.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right. It's your show.

Speaker 1 Why

Speaker 1 do they have to dig these things up? How did they get buried over the years with dirt? And, you know,

Speaker 1 some of the cultures would build on top of each other. Oh, really? So, you know, they'd tear down and build on top.
So there's that. Then there's just, yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't know. Erosion, mudslides, whatever.

Speaker 1 But a lot of them, like in southern, in the Four Corners area of the southwest, are cliff dwellers.

Speaker 1 They would, you know, there'd be these erosions along certain strata of these box canyons or whatever, that the rain would erode. So they would have these.

Speaker 1 roofs, natural roofs over their head, and they would carve steps up from the, you know, to protect themselves. They'd live in the cliffs.

Speaker 1 They'd go down these carved out steps to farm down by the water or whatever.

Speaker 1 Right. So it depends.
But yeah.

Speaker 1 That's interesting. I always wondered that.
Why,

Speaker 1 yeah, why couldn't they just, there's a great

Speaker 1 app

Speaker 1 or Instagram thing that shows

Speaker 1 present day sites and then what it looked like before. Oh,

Speaker 1 I have to go. What is it, dude? I love that.
I have it somewhere.

Speaker 1 I can Google it. I'll let you know what it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then with the AI, they also show it's like a moving. It's people on chariots going down the streets and stuff.
And, you know, I love that stuff. Me too.
I love the whole New York, New York series.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Before New York, Manhattan became Manhattan.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
But,

Speaker 1 yeah, I love that stuff.

Speaker 1 I'll have to find out where that is and let you know.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, what did this studio look like before Conan ruined it? Oh.

Speaker 1 Is he still in the

Speaker 1 horrible man? Horrible man. I tried to block him in, but he's actually, how long have you known him? I mean, clearly.
40 years.

Speaker 1 One of the sweetest, funniest, nicest people I know. I don't really know him that well.
I was on his show a handful of times. You obviously don't know him that well.
No, because he's a dick.

Speaker 1 Thank God. That's a facade he puts up.

Speaker 1 You know, he's fooled a lot of people, but I know the real Conan O'Brien. No, he is a nice guy.
He's a sweet guy. Yeah.
So are you, Kevin? Thank you very much. And so are you.
Nice to talk to you.

Speaker 1 You too. Thanks for having me.
Thank God you didn't get cheers.

Speaker 1 Seriously. Your life would be so fucked up.
And you would have been doing soap still. Yeah, because I am not a funny guy.
I would not be doing stand-ups. We wouldn't be doing that.

Speaker 1 It was very funny in that show. And it wasn't just the writers.
No, we were all funny. We were all good.
But it was the best show ever.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 Okay, buddy. Travel safely.
I will. Thank Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you, Kevin Nealon. I really enjoyed that.
It was like meeting an old friend, one you didn't know you had.

Speaker 1 If you took anything away from our talk, please let it be the reminder to protect the Appalachian Trail for future generations.

Speaker 1 Take a moment right after this episode to sign the petition at takeahikepetition.org. That's it for our show this week.
Special thanks to our friends at Team Coco.

Speaker 1 If you enjoyed this episode, send it to somebody you love. Subscribe on your favorite podcast app and maybe give us a great rating and a review on Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 1 If you're watching your podcast, all our full-length episodes are on YouTube.

Speaker 1 Visit youtube.com/slash teamcoco.

Speaker 1 See you next time where everybody knows.

Speaker 2 You've been listening to Where Everybody Knows Your Name with Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson sometimes. The show is produced by me, Nick Liao.

Speaker 2 Our executive producers are Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and myself. Sarah Federovich is our supervising producer.
Engineering remixing by Joanna Samuel with support from Eduardo Perez.

Speaker 2 Research by Alyssa Grahl. Talent Booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista.
Our theme music is by Woody Harrelson, Anthony Gen, Mary Steenbergen, and John Osborne.

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