Skankfest LIVE 2024 w/ Sam Tallent, Colum Tyrrell & Ryan O'Neill | You Be Trippin with Ari Shaffir

Speaker 1 Shaq here, spinning fast acting pain relief with Icy Hot. Ice works fast, heat makes it last.
Icy Hot, you're so back.

Speaker 1 Where you been and where you going?

Speaker 2 This is our Race Travel Show, yeah. We're gonna talk about travel today.
It's UB Trippin, yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you very much, everybody. Welcome to the first live UB Trippin' podcast.

Speaker 2 I feel like it's weird behind a table when I'm standing up.

Speaker 2 Who's heard this podcast before?

Speaker 2 Nice. Okay, this is a bit of an experiment because I don't know.
That's the wrong word, but I don't know how this is going to go.

Speaker 2 Two of the three people I booked are here.

Speaker 2 So already, I don't know. Another one's fat and doing, you know, what fat people do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's eating his second lunch at 4 p.m.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 So I cover a different country every time on this show and then I want to do some themey ones too like like buses or fucking hostels or shit like that.

Speaker 2 So I'm gonna try one of those today and we're all gonna talk about alcohol drinking alcohol abroad. It really fucking brings people together.

Speaker 2 Everyone's had some great drinking shit somewhere. Who's traveled here out of the country before? But a round of applause.

Speaker 2 Nice. The rest of you got to get going.
I'm sure

Speaker 2 some of your passports have been revoked.

Speaker 2 I assume anyone in ICP cannot fucking

Speaker 2 get allowance to leave the country. So I'm going to bring up two of the three fucking podcast guests today.

Speaker 2 This guy's already, well, how should I do this for? This guy's been on the podcast before twice, interviewed me the only time I was a guest.

Speaker 2 Please help me welcome Ireland's own column terror, everybody.

Speaker 2 I should go there.

Speaker 2 Up the raw, yeah. Keep Palestine down.
Up the raw and keep Palestine down. That's a new t-shirt.
Both up the raw and fuck Gaza. Up the raw, wild, fuck Moss.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 A very small section of up the raw and fuck up Palestine. Up the raw, down the ha.

Speaker 2 Fuck the ha. Down the ha.

Speaker 2 All right, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Fuck Israel too. Bomb away.
It's cheap housing after that.

Speaker 2 Flatten them all. My second guest today is.

Speaker 2 If you've been there, those tits are fucking wildly not flat that whole place. So go visit.

Speaker 2 Somebody gave me a free Palestine shirt in Halifax. I was like, oh, it's so cool.
Where'd you get that?

Speaker 2 No, it was a visit Palestine shirt. And he was like, I'll give it to you.
So I just traded in my shirt. And yeah, it's just a picture of, I was like, no, I bought it in Jordan.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, nothing. He goes, it doesn't look like that anymore, too.

Speaker 2 It looks way different now. You got the before? Yeah.
I got the before shot. Yeah, I got the before shot.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're just digging tunnels.

Speaker 2 All right. My next guest was my most popular, most often guest on Skeptic Tank podcast.

Speaker 2 Please help me welcome the pride of Alparazo, Mr. Ryan O'Neill, everybody.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 We'll edit the Zat

Speaker 2 post.

Speaker 2 How's the lighting here? It seems extremely dim. Oh, it's very Russian.
Very fluorescent. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Harsh.

Speaker 2 You want them to turn them up the lights? It's an interesting choice to go down. Can you guys see us?

Speaker 2 What's the glare off my head? You look good.

Speaker 2 We are ugly. It's pretty dark there.

Speaker 2 What about Ari's facial hair? Should we remember?

Speaker 2 Both God's and Israel taking a stance.

Speaker 2 So guys, let's start. Let's just do this.

Speaker 2 You guys have all traveled a lot, and one of the things you get into is fucking booze. It brings people together.
See, I don't know how to start. I did.

Speaker 2 You guys travel a lot. I will say this, dude.
I've never seen a man drink. We did a tour three weeks, me, you, and Colum.
And I've never seen a man consume more alcohol than Column Turrell.

Speaker 2 So I imagine... No, no, no.
Oh, no, dude, he's fucking insane. And he was like, I'm not really drinking.
I'm kind of slowing down, so I won't be able to hang out much drinking-wise.

Speaker 2 And man, you pushed the fucking limits. I truly did not drink that much.
Dude, at 5 a.m., you go, I got to go to bed. So you did three lines of Coke that somebody gave us on the street.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's just fair.

Speaker 2 That's just habit at this point.

Speaker 2 I was worried.

Speaker 2 Do you guys know Dylan Negri? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah.
Call him

Speaker 2 at 4.30 in the morning. He's got to be in Natsville on the bus.
We have video of it. You don't leave young meat like that in their Cali tea?

Speaker 2 yeah we call them collie cocktails after 9 p.m i like the drink what the fuck is that you two old fucks you green out in your own way

Speaker 2 he goes to a different person he starts getting racist too it's nice

Speaker 2 you don't even know you're like you're mad at polox for some reason i will i will say that so i i black out bad

Speaker 2 and then i and then i have to play I play casual as if I remember, I'll come in and we'll see each other in the kitchen or whatever the fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I always have to act casually, hey guys, guys, how's it going?

Speaker 2 And then I wait for someone like, that was good lasagna last night, wasn't it? I was like, oh, the best. Yeah.
I love lasagna. You're filling in the blanks for me.

Speaker 2 I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we got lasagna for sure.

Speaker 2 We should have fucked with you. I act casual.
No, you could have easily fucked up. We should have been like, oh, man,

Speaker 2 do you regret fucking all those dudes? Oh,

Speaker 2 I'd remember fucking. Dude, you burned, you have an uncircumcised cock.
Yeah, of course I did. And you burned it on a hot pocket that I had sitting while I was trying to eat at like 4 a.m.

Speaker 2 You just set it on there and you're like, oh fuck. I thought that was Dylan.

Speaker 2 I thought I put my cock on Dylan.

Speaker 2 So maybe you should kick it off. You've probably got some fucking wild.
Well we both went to Thailand. You're drinking Thailand heavy, right? That's part of it.

Speaker 2 Well I will say, and although now in my later years, I've

Speaker 2 slowed down. Every time I've ever traveled anywhere or done anything, the primary focus was always to just get fucked up.
Like pretty much my whole life.

Speaker 2 You know, every trip I've ever done, anything I've ever, anything I've ever done. You're like to the grocery store, whatever it is.

Speaker 2 And for the cheap as possible. Yeah, as fucked up, as cheap, and as disgusting, and as embarrassing as possible.

Speaker 2 Puking, pissing your pants, all that stuff's good time.

Speaker 2 Every third story I read of like they're cutting down on tourism now in some small town in Southeast Asia because an Irishman just got his dick sucked in front of a monastery.

Speaker 2 You guys are a third of those stories. It's Australia half, you guys a third, and then I don't know who the last, like.
What a glorious go-job to get, just in front of some ancient Chinese-y thing.

Speaker 2 A place you just won't pay into, you know. Where's the weirdest place you fucked travel in? Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 2 I was in a hostel. Some chick said she wouldn't fuck me in a hostel in Chiang Mai.
And then, and then, and I was already in another hostel, but it wasn't the party hostel, so I switched.

Speaker 2 The guy's like, no refunds. I'm like, I know.
So seven bucks down the drain there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then another one, 11. And she's like, I'm not fucking in a dorm room.
And I was like, fuck. So I had to get a hotel next door.
So I had three rooms that night.

Speaker 2 She didn't want to ruin her reputation in the hostel? Like, why would that's crazy? Yeah. I remember she started like hooking up, and then she goes, wash your fucking bug spray off.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 So I had to shower.

Speaker 2 Did you sting? Yeah, it was just like,

Speaker 2 she could take it.

Speaker 2 I thought she was like sucking it. I thought you were spraying bug spray on your nuts.
That's great. It's so big.
It's never gotten stung.

Speaker 2 That's a juicy meal for a mosquito if he sees those things out.

Speaker 2 He's like, this is family style.

Speaker 2 But in the hostel,

Speaker 2 I don't know if you have a joke about it. In the hostel, what they do is they just put up a towel.

Speaker 2 You get your towel, and then you hang it on the bunk bed above you, and it kind of hangs down low, and there's usually about like four inches that you can still see. For the neighbors to get it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 You want to see a mole or whatever?

Speaker 2 You got to see someone's arsh cheek. So that's the hostel mentality.
And that's all booze fucking.

Speaker 2 No one's fucking sober in those. No one's banging sober.
I don't think ever. That's kind of creepy, man.
If I had a one-night stand sober, I think.

Speaker 2 Have you fucked in the hostel with one of those things? I have

Speaker 2 fucked in the bathroom of a hostel. That's the gentleman place to do it.

Speaker 2 I grabbed her by the hand.

Speaker 2 Follow me.

Speaker 2 In the communal or like the lobby? We got a photo on Instagram where she's where I'm with the handlers back and she's pulling herself.

Speaker 2 Oh, this guy might care. Yeah, she's taking a picture of being drunk.
Oh, that girl I fucked in the bathroom, which was funny because then my friend fucked her the same day.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 we were never alone in the group for me to tell him that I'd fucked her. Oh, he didn't know.
No, so then he came in. Where was this? This is in Thailand,

Speaker 2 the full moon, wherever the full moon is. And then later on, he comes into me.
He goes, yo, I fucked that girl today. And I go, I fucked her.
And he's like, what time was yours at?

Speaker 2 And he's like, six or so. I was like, ah, two.
And you're like,

Speaker 2 how'd it feel?

Speaker 2 How'd that feel? Two o'clock's on the fence and up? It's like, could have been before or after. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, it was definitely sloppy. You got the brunch.
Yeah. You got the late dinner.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You got the nice wet one.

Speaker 2 The worst I mean,

Speaker 2 the worst fucking I ever did on alcohol was in Amsterdam. What was that? With a prostitute.
I was like 21, and you know, they say in the tour guide, partake in the prostitution.

Speaker 2 That's one of the things we have to do there. Yeah.
Anne Frank's Museum. The Van Gogh Gogh Museum.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Anne Franks.

Speaker 2 The canals are lovely. And Eastern European prostitutes.
There's probably been sex trafficked there. This is before we knew about human trafficking.
I want to warn you that.

Speaker 2 Say what you want about prostitutes. They do make you feel good.
And I don't think enough people...

Speaker 2 She didn't make me feel good. She was like, this is taking so fucking long that you need to pay more.

Speaker 2 And I didn't have any more gilders, so I was throwing American dollars at her. I was like, I swear I'm going to finish in the next 20 to 30 minutes.
This is such a funny situation.

Speaker 2 Because I was so drunk I couldn't get fully hard.

Speaker 2 Condom or no condom?

Speaker 2 Condom. I mean, they may, look, I think the laws are a little strict over there.
You have to wear a condom.

Speaker 2 And you have to come within 10 minutes or they kick you out. They say, fucking.
You had your chance. No way.

Speaker 2 No way. Is it gross or hot?

Speaker 1 Hi, everybody. I'm breaking into today's episode to let you know a little bit about the guests today.

Speaker 1 Oh, I got this.

Speaker 2 Ryan O'Neal.

Speaker 1 Hey, everybody. I'm Ryan O'Neal.
Check me out at ryano'neal.com. What's your podcast? Oh, SlopQuest.
Slop quest. Yeah, the finest slop you'll find on any podcast.

Speaker 1 Yeah. This is a fun episode.
Do you remember any of it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 This was literally a year, right, more.

Speaker 1 I remember friendships were forged. Who? Sam Talon and I met for the first time on this podcast, and we just hit it off.
Oh, yeah. You guys are both the children.

Speaker 1 And then a year later, we spoke again.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 1 I love that. This is what dudes do.

Speaker 1 When women hit it off, they go, oh my God, you're so cool. Like, let's exchange numbers, get to know each other.

Speaker 1 When guys hit it off, it's like, okay, I was cool. Yeah.
You're like, I'll probably see him again, maybe in a year or two.

Speaker 1 And when I do, it's going to be awesome. What happened when you saw him next? He's like, hey.

Speaker 2 I go, hey.

Speaker 1 Come on, puppies. Why don't you tell the people where we are?

Speaker 1 We're, okay,

Speaker 1 we are in downtown London, England, everybody.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is

Speaker 1 everybody i'll tell you what they're letting in a lot of immigrants oh my god tons

Speaker 1 now we're here at the uh is this the jeepers creepers monument in peru this is tupac amaru you guys remember the um i did a one in front of a statue for this chick who was married i think to this guy this dude this is tupac yeah but it might have been tupac amaru ii

Speaker 1 There was a revolution. I got to find out which one this is.
I just, you know what? Make it up. Tupac Amaru.
no one's gonna fact check this is the original the last inkan inkan um

Speaker 1 leader this guy

Speaker 1 yeah if it's the first which and then he was reincarnated as a rapper then some revolutionary later was tupacamaru the second oh yes

Speaker 1 a couple hundred years after that

Speaker 2 a black panther lady had a child. Okay.
And she named him after this guy's namesake.

Speaker 1 So after Tupac Amaru II, the revolutionary in Peru. And that's Tupac Shakur.
What the fuck? And then Biggie Smalls was named after another Incan warrior who was his rival called Biggie Shamales.

Speaker 1 Chimules? Or whatever. I don't know.
Is there any.

Speaker 1 Is that true? Maybe. Do you remember? Wait, first let me see.
Okay, I do. Tyrrell is also on the podcast.
He has his own podcast called The Cock Fight Podcast. It's on YouTube at TheCockfight Podcast.

Speaker 1 It's done with

Speaker 1 one of the fattest people in America, Lev Fur.

Speaker 1 Is that true? Yeah. He doesn't fit in a screen, so a lot of times it'll cut him off.
Oh, they do split screen just to put them all in.

Speaker 1 If you guys are hearing this, I'm sorry, they're setting up a fair right here. We're at a pipe convention.
So a lot of guys are just checking out to see the thickness, how they roll.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's show what's going on.

Speaker 1 I love this background show. So let's show what's going on.
I guess we already showed Tupac.

Speaker 2 Yankees.

Speaker 1 There's all these people wearing

Speaker 1 shit that I'm always like, anytime I see a She said, Astro's like, fucking cheaters. And they're like, why don't you go up and be like, hey, how do you feel about the trade with so-and-so?

Speaker 1 I was like, dude, this is the only shirt I could afford. I found it.

Speaker 1 What else do we got? Cockrite podcast. Column 2 Rails.
Also, he's got two dates coming up.

Speaker 1 Is his special recording before this or after? Yeah, it's before this. Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, you're going to miss it, ladies and gentlemen, but catch it when it comes out on wherever it's going to be. Yeah, it'll be out.
And he's talking about YouTube channel. Go to his link tree.

Speaker 1 Damn it. Where's this other one? And then Sam Talent.

Speaker 1 New guy on the block. Check out Column Tyrrell is on

Speaker 1 YouTube as well. Putting out new videos all the time at Column Tyrrell.
Sam Talent is at Sam Talent on Instagram. And

Speaker 1 here's one for Column Tyrrell. Column Tyrrell on Instagram at Column Tyrrell.
C-O-L-U-M-T-Y-R-R-E-L-L. Where are you on Instagram? It's pronounced more like Turl.

Speaker 1 Dude, that whole tour, you were like, Colum Turl.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 You can correct as you want, and it was over at Colum Terrell on Instagram. You can see me on Instagram at RyanO'Neal Comedy.

Speaker 1 Go to ryano'neal.com if you want to see videos that got ripped off of YouTube. You can see Ari Shafir.

Speaker 1 The thing I wrote for Ari Shapir,

Speaker 1 the Valentine sketch that YouTube took down.

Speaker 2 You said it down? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Comedy Central took it down years ago, but it was on Daily Motion for a long time. I ripped it from there.
I hosted it on my site. Daily Motion finally took it down.
There's a hard-end bomb in it.

Speaker 1 Hard-end bomb. Some good Hitler talks.
That's back when you used to be able to do hard-end bombs.

Speaker 1 Columns at the Stress Fracture Indigenous in December and at Razani's Comedy Club in Rosemont in January. Got tickets at Columns.

Speaker 1 And then Sam Talent on the road in

Speaker 1 Timonia, Maryland, Denver, Colorado, San Diego, California, Portland, Maine, Cincinnati, Ohio, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and Lafayette, Louisiana. Tickets at SamTalent.com.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Catch me in Austin.

Speaker 1 I'm in Austin a lot now. You kind of have to move there.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm more three-quarters move there.

Speaker 1 And one-quarter L.A. I'm going to hold it.

Speaker 1 What do I remember about it? Yeah, about this.

Speaker 1 Okay, so Sam Talent and I met for the first time on there. Yeah.
We hit it off. Content-wise.
Oh, content-wise? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I remember.

Speaker 1 You're going to stand over there.

Speaker 1 I'm going to. Oh, you're going to put.
You want to show what's going on here?

Speaker 2 But go ahead. Keep talking, though.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I remember we talked about Thailand. We talked about Amsterdam.
We talked about

Speaker 1 Japan, maybe.

Speaker 1 It was a live show. It was a live show.
It was a fucking train wreck from the start. Yeah, if you guys like four comedians competing for Mike Time, you're going to love this show.

Speaker 1 Thank God Miss Pat or Pete Holmes is not there, or we would not be able to talk. Anytime you see a live podcast with Pete Holmes or Miss Pat, they're both like, it's going to be my podcast now.

Speaker 1 I'm super like in my head about it. So I try because I don't know when to speak.
I speak over people a lot. So I'm like, ah, it's not always my time to go now.
The best was David Tell's like that.

Speaker 1 I'm like that too. And then,

Speaker 1 except when I'm drunk on Joe Rogan podcast with Shane and Mark, and I'm the weak link on there. So I just jump in to

Speaker 1 derail it. And then everybody looks at me, like, what the fuck, man? I'm the red band on that.
And then

Speaker 1 they go, what the fuck, man? I go, well, this isn't helping my confidence.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 David tell on tough crowd would be that watch the old tough crowds when he's on there he'll just sit there he's like he's like and it's you could tell he's like i'm not gonna talk over anyone i know that's the problem you're like this bit like could go but if somebody talks over it then it's like 20 seconds yes yeah yeah yeah so that's why yeah or if i'm super wasted i'm like dude i gotta keep my shit together right now i can't fucking yeah i can't talk if it's one-on-one then i've got shit faced and it's great well i don't remember anything about this i just remember going oh disclaimer that i I have to say.

Speaker 1 Hold on, do I need to flip these up? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sorry if you guys couldn't see the baby grace, but.

Speaker 1 I don't think they're going to be able to see it. Come closer.
Do another flip. Hold on, I'll do it real.

Speaker 2 Lower.

Speaker 1 Hey, guys, it's Ryan O'Neill.

Speaker 1 That's so good. Check me out at RyanO'NealComedy.com.
SlopQuest. SlopQuest.

Speaker 1 All right, very good. I didn't want to buy prescription sunglasses.
I mean, you're right. It's a waste for most of it.
You already have glasses.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is how Ryan O'Neill reads.

Speaker 1 Here, I'll show them. I'll get my phone out.

Speaker 1 That's about it. Disclaimer from the YMH.
My podcast is produced by YMH. It's Tom Segor Productions.
And this is actually a YMH. Right now, we have a YMH

Speaker 1 cameraman and sound guy who flew out here because this is a high-production deal. It was.
And he told me about these.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 so there's three levels of my podcast. There's stuff I started doing recording before I even talked to YMH, where I was like, I don't know who's going to host these.

Speaker 1 And that was in my old spare bedroom with like a little shitty mask. This is when you were doing it.
This is UB Tripping. You be tripping.
Before I started. We did one in Denver.

Speaker 1 I should put up somewhere. Yeah.
It was just audio only. Yeah.
AI can do something. I'll put that up.
Was it good? It was a good. It was great.
Okay.

Speaker 1 It was just like, let me run through this and figure out. I put it up on the old Patreon.

Speaker 1 So there's that. And it's me setting up.
And then Toby helped me set up a studio. Who's Toby? Toby used to work for Are You Garbage?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Toby. Shout out to Toby.
And then with good sound equipment and everything like that, good cameras

Speaker 1 with

Speaker 1 a big, giant map behind me. Yes.
And then YMH comes in with some more advice. The map gets a little smaller.
So those two are kind of similar. Yeah.
Step up from me and myself.

Speaker 1 And then even higher up is the studio I have in Austin, which is like the globe behind me. We got a lot of coffee.
I've seen you recording. There's tons of stuff.
That costs a bunch.

Speaker 1 It was by Robert Rogers. So this is the top.
Is this the next level? So this is a gas digital production. And I need to tell you, I apologize on behalf of YMH.
This is not a YMH production.

Speaker 1 It's not Alan Caffey who did this. He's doing the best to make it better.
And it is not Chris Larson who's doing it or Niana. They do not put their stamp of approval on this.

Speaker 1 Oh, but this is Gas Digital, but Lewis is now, he has the camera right there. Lewis is right there.
He's hitting his vape pen.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 1 We did the bumpers. Let's get back to the episode.
I have no no idea what we talked about. Okay, I do remember.

Speaker 1 Okay, I remember you saying, I was like, oh, you're like, talk about, I'm still thinking about hookers. You go, don't open with that.
And I opened right away with that.

Speaker 1 And you're like, you're going out of the gate a little too hot.

Speaker 1 Which happened to me. Did I tell you about Kill Tony? No.
I came out so hot. Wait, pause.

Speaker 1 We'll do it for the outro. Okay, okay.
All right, back to the episode. I have a problem with coming a little too hot.
Okay, back to the episode. All right.

Speaker 2 I mean, my recollection was that she was pretty hot, but she kept saying 60 guilders and I was like how's 60 American dollars sit with you? What did she say?

Speaker 2 She was like I was just throwing them on the bed 60 guilders? Yeah, which is that what's the exchange rate?

Speaker 2 Yeah, never mind

Speaker 2 9.7 So it's like it's like yeah, it sounds like 63 of mine I guess it was probably ended up being like 400 guilders is what I ended up paying

Speaker 2 But I did come you did eventually yeah I eventually did Great. And we high-fived and I was like, we got through this together.
Nice. That's a really, that's a, that's a Rudy story.
We bonded.

Speaker 2 I was like, give me your email. Let's stay in touch.
No, you reckon when she goes home and talks to her husband,

Speaker 2 she tells nothing to worry about. You reckon she bores the fuck out of her husband when she gets home? And like, oh, this one guy, he was bald even though he was 21.
He couldn't come. I had hair.

Speaker 2 I had lushes. Oh, yeah.
Lush is long.

Speaker 2 You are so cool at 21. You couldn't come.
You had long hair.

Speaker 2 The repeat. Every American.
The ready repaint.

Speaker 2 It would be great to make. No, no, guys, she's different.
I moved her back.

Speaker 2 She's born. Two kids.
It wasn't a big deal. Nice.
Yeah, but I'm saying I'm not really a drinking spot.

Speaker 2 Nah, it's fun to drink. You get too high.
You get too shroomy. Yeah.
I played, they have the Thai hookers on the main streets and like Phuket and stuff.

Speaker 2 They'll play you if you're like, no, I'm not looking to, I'm not looking to fuck today. And then they go like, all right, I'll play you for beers, Connect 4.
Great.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you're like, I'll fucking do it. Are they good?

Speaker 2 They're the best you've ever played. Really?

Speaker 2 You could think, yeah, I have a fucking, I was on the Dean's list for two semesters at a fucking high-level college.

Speaker 2 All they do is play Connect 4 all day. Also, they might be prostitutes, but they're still Asian.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, you're about to get smoked. It's mad.
And Connect 4, 4 is like one of the lowest numbers.

Speaker 2 That's nothing to them. That is nothing in their world.
You make the first move, and they're like, you already lost.

Speaker 2 I'm seeing 20 steps ahead. And then you read that checkmate.
What happened to checkmate of Connect 4 is that? They would talk down to you. First, you'd be like, they'd start

Speaker 2 like, why don't you start? Like, no, no, you start. like trust me go ahead and start

Speaker 2 they would just like do it fast too they wouldn't even think about it what were the stakes then you had to buy them beers yeah i bought them enough beer to to feed their village for a week

Speaker 2 they just had a wagon next to the table loading it up it was me and pete zetz

Speaker 2 pete z got a free he got a free hooker one night though she was just looking for like a comfortable bed to stay in we went to thailand this guy fucks he was in uh sexual prison with his uh he broke up with his chick, but they were still living together, so he could have sex like once every six months, and he couldn't do it with any.

Speaker 2 So then he got to Thailand and he was just like, game on. I'll unleash the hounds.
Yeah, he fucked. When I got there three days after him, he'd already fucked like eight people.

Speaker 2 But it's truly when you go there,

Speaker 2 that might sound gross. That might sound gross to some ladies in the room.
But when you go there, they are so aggressive towards your cock, it's hard not to just indulge. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because they're like literally like, you're so hot. I'm just not sexy.
It's part of the the culture.

Speaker 2 Sorry, sorry, I shouldn't have. It's part of the culture.

Speaker 2 You also get a massage every day. You wouldn't do that normally.
No,

Speaker 2 I eat cheap noodles. Eight bucks is eight bucks.
You fuck the shit out of some

Speaker 2 Connect Foreign Prostitution. That's all they got over there.
And it's the greatest place of all time, maybe. What? Thailand? Thailand is fucking great.
It's just lawless.

Speaker 2 It's lawless.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but what they drink over there in Thailand is they make these buckets. So when you're on the islands, they make buckets.

Speaker 2 who knows what buckets is

Speaker 2 like the Thailand drink buckets it's just a bucket of booze yeah so they sell them like like a kid's like uh is it like jungle juice yeah it's kind of like jungle juice it'll come with like a red bowl a coke it looks like the size remember when 7-Eleven had those extreme gulps yeah you could refill

Speaker 2 truckers it was that it was that size but without the

Speaker 2 extra weight for keeping it cold yeah yeah yeah it's and it's sold on the side of the street like when like uh Africans sell um fake merch.

Speaker 2 But they sell liquor on the side of the street, and then you get your bucket, and then you mix it together, and you get a lot of money. Twenty different pounds of liquor.

Speaker 2 And then every one in 40 white girls on the island will get attacked. Disappeared.
She'll get attacked and used by the locals. But occasionally it's a Vandersloot who gets it.

Speaker 2 It's a small price to pay for that fucking bucket. It's a full moon.
It's a full moon party. That's what happens.
Is it regular alcohol or is it like their like moon their equivalent of moonshine?

Speaker 2 This is the theory. It's like that they sell it in a little bit.
They'll say that this is Angel's Envy, right? So they'll be like, oh yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 I got a brand new Angel L V. And you're like, wait, it's a little cracked.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then it's just the whole idea is I'm supposed to crack it. But there's ways to seal it now.
Seal it, obviously. To watch them crack it.
It's just some low-level brand interjects bottle.

Speaker 2 So there's like eight different kinds of booze. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Guys,

Speaker 2 we need a third guest up here.

Speaker 2 Do we? Oh,

Speaker 2 on the hall of fame of traveling comedians, he's got his own fucking

Speaker 2 show, an actual show about travel. Please give it out for Mr.
Sam Talon, everybody.

Speaker 2 Yes, how are you? Better than a podcast.

Speaker 2 That's all. I'm going to move down here.
That's all right. Whatever, bye, wherever.
All right.

Speaker 2 Sammy, we're in Thailand now talking about how easy it is to get booze, but we're just talking about different places you've drank over the years. Oh, I was.

Speaker 2 Take your time. Take your time.
Catch up. I'm sorry.
I've got a couple cold ones, trust me, fellas.

Speaker 2 Ari's like, I don't have a phone, I live in the moment. And I get a text at 3.59.
Hey, we're podcasting. It was hot dog happy hour at the D.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 the fest doesn't pay very well. So

Speaker 2 you're still sweating those dogs down. Oh, you have some in your pocket? You wish.

Speaker 2 I have a wig in this one. Now,

Speaker 2 who are you, by the way? I'm Ryan O'Neill. I don't think we've ever made it.
The legend, Ryan O'Neill, everyone. Ryan O'Neill, folks.
Come on. You didn't show up, so Ari found me in the bathroom.

Speaker 2 Dude, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's where he did a lot of his best work.

Speaker 2 Ari said, get up, you're coming with me.

Speaker 2 Call him. What's going on, buddy? How are you, man? You've got like a plant growing out of your head.
Yeah. Hat.
Yeah, I got a lot of stuff going on.

Speaker 2 How long have you been at the festival? Oh, man.

Speaker 2 It's 1 a.m. last night, man.
And then

Speaker 2 here we are.

Speaker 2 What did I miss? Well, we we just talked about buckets, which is an Australian, the National Bird of Australia, I think. We turned up some people somewhere.
They're like, oh, they're from Brisbane.

Speaker 2 And we're like, they have buckets here. And they're both like this married couple.
There's like 40. And they're like, they have buckets? It was just game on.
So I missed nothing. Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, we have buckets of laughs coming at you guys. All right.

Speaker 2 Let me just fucking say that.

Speaker 2 How about this is it?

Speaker 2 Who drinks the best? Who drinks the best? Canadians? What does

Speaker 2 best mean?

Speaker 2 Now he's mad because you think you should be bad.

Speaker 2 You've insulted his culture. Now best probably means, hey, you go out, you have a glass of wine, you drive home, no one gets hurt.
That's probably, in your mind, that's what your category is.

Speaker 2 No, that's not what I mean. Mine is, I want arson.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You want chaos at the end of the evening.

Speaker 2 I want people to regret doing what they did. Irish are up there for sure.
Irish are so good at it because they maintain their charm and they have all these words we don't use anymore.

Speaker 2 Their vocabulary gets

Speaker 2 yeah, you guys are always good. I just am so charmed by the Irish.
And they all drink just pints of Guinness. So they're taking their time.
They're barely getting it in.

Speaker 2 Ireland's like 1950s America where anything goes. A woman still knows her place.
Yeah. Exactly.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 You guys have one black guy.

Speaker 2 One too many, we call him.

Speaker 2 His name is Lim Rick.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Solid.

Speaker 2 Australians make me nervous when they're drunk. Australians are tough to keep track of.
Yeah, I don't really care for their energy when they're wasted. They'll also always go for a blow.

Speaker 2 Within Australia, they're going to be like, hey,

Speaker 2 let's get to the next eventual.

Speaker 2 How about this one? Vietnamese. Oh.

Speaker 2 They're hilarious when they're sober, and then they start,

Speaker 2 you know?

Speaker 2 They go click click. It's a tonal language.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm not being racist, I'm being cultured, you pigs, all right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Why are you doing that with your eyes, Sam?

Speaker 2 I had the surgery.

Speaker 2 Americans, of course not. Mexicans.
Those are tough. Australians and Canadians.
Yeah. Mexicans.
Mexicans drink. It's got to be like Russians.
Russians drink

Speaker 2 bottles of vodka and then they fix your car and then they go home. No one drinks with them though.
I don't know anyone who's ever drunk with a Russian. I've never just done phones.

Speaker 2 Well, they drink with their families at dinner. That's usually when it fucking goes down.
I think the average age of a Russian male, like, they die at like 56. Yeah, it's not a long life, but it's

Speaker 2 seriously.

Speaker 2 But it's a painful one. It's a violent candy life that they have.

Speaker 2 Brutal.

Speaker 2 Brutal. Mexicans get sad when they get drunk, though.
They do. Do they? They weep.

Speaker 2 I'm serious.

Speaker 2 Hello, El locento. And then just crying.
Until that piñata comes out and then it brings them back to life. All smiles.
That's second win time. The piñata is the cocaine for Mexicans.

Speaker 1 Hey guys, today's episode of Yumi Trippin is brought to you by Ridge.com. The Ridge Wallet.
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Buy a t-shirt. How many of these trips? Okay, back to the episode.

Speaker 2 South Africans are dangerous. How about West African guys? They're fun.

Speaker 2 Ethiopians and shit? I think like Sierra Leone is what I'm thinking of.

Speaker 2 After a hard day in the diamond mine, you look around them now. You need a cold one, you know?

Speaker 2 What are they drinking? This is fermented pig's blood. Yeah, yeah.
This is ethanol. Holy shit.
Merci.

Speaker 2 They speak French. What about Japanese? How do they

Speaker 2 drunks or bad drunks? I hear Japanese.

Speaker 2 If your boss is like, we weren't drinking, that means like, hey, honey, I'm not going to be home tonight. Yeah, yeah.
I have to get blackout with the boss. They're going to find me face down, ass up.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yes.
You've been to Japan. A bunch.
Yeah. I love it over there.

Speaker 2 And if they get wasted, they just lay down on the ground and then people will bring up like microwavable ramens and bottles of water and just heave it around them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 That Japanese guy agrees. Yes.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is there any Japanese people in? Shout out.

Speaker 2 No, it's not the hardest.

Speaker 2 You had to be over five foot to get in now

Speaker 2 solid that's good old-fashioned racism that's what do they drink in Japan what's their thing they drink uh they drink

Speaker 2 sake of course they love very cold dry beer those fucking super dries that's the best canned beer in the world it tastes like nothing yeah it just goes down you can house them they also have those like high balls in a can you can get at 7-Eleven

Speaker 2 yeah and they're like 12%

Speaker 2 drinking hard with with friends from 7-Eleven alcohol is amazing. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just get it and go right outside an outdoor bar, and you're just like,

Speaker 2 have you drank at the inn of Odega in New York?

Speaker 2 Like, in the, it's like illegal, and a lot of places that have delis and they sell bacon, egg, and cheese, or whatever, but they'll let a bunch of, usually Mexicans, stand around in one of the aisles.

Speaker 2 There's like an unsupervised aisle where they let you stand and get fucked up drinking tall boy

Speaker 2 or Cora's banquets for some reason. They love at Cora's Banquet, the immigrants.
I tell you that. You sure that's just not bad employees?

Speaker 2 No, it's because after work, when I worked in construction,

Speaker 2 they'd go come over. We'd go to some store and we'd just stand inside crushing fucking beers.
Yeah, because they know you're going to get some like Doritos loadeds and stuff right after that.

Speaker 2 It's good for business. They don't care.
They just blast the music of this. It seems like the same song over and over again.
They're going to be selling chicken feet.

Speaker 2 Whatever. Deep-fried chicken feet.
It's a dollar. Fuck it.
Very good. Corps Banquet makes everything better.
Oh, Cora's Banquet's a blast right there from Golden, Colorado, though.

Speaker 2 The mouth of the Rocky Mountains. Yeah, that crystal clear water makes it all a little bit better.
Salmon's in Denver, everybody. He lives in Denver, Colorado.
Reps hard.

Speaker 2 Where else do they fucking wild? Where are they going? Do you know who's the worst? Might be the British. Mmm, Hungarians.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like a hard line stance because a guy fucking honked my wife's boob in Hungary.

Speaker 2 He just won? He just won, the good one.

Speaker 2 I was looking on the other at the time.

Speaker 2 In his defense, he was a homosexual.

Speaker 2 He meant nothing to him.

Speaker 2 How do you know he was? He meant something to me.

Speaker 2 Did you take his word for it or did he prove it to you? He was mincing. Okay, okay.
Yeah, okay. There was a general mincery.
Was he like?

Speaker 2 No, he was like, these are heavy, and did one of these. He bean dipped her.
Oh, he did a little fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where was that? In Hungary? Yeah, that was in Hungary. So that's the entire people now? You're like, you know, I'm over.
I'm done with you. I'm totally down with taking one person.

Speaker 2 That's the only data point. You're like, yeah, good or bad.
This is the country now. Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. Of course.

Speaker 2 You've got to be careful how you treat people because they're going to fucking judge the whole country on that. So you understand how anti-Semitism works.
Right, yeah.

Speaker 2 I got it now. Not that you put it in that context.
Yes. They're not wrong.
And by one, it was a lot of you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Allegedly. What about Iceland? Do they drink a lot? They do drink hard.
Because anywhere it's cold, they fucking drink.

Speaker 2 They have great beer in Iceland, in Reykjavik. But

Speaker 2 do you like like an IPA when you're out there? Because

Speaker 2 I want the fucking shitstone light of that country so I can have 12 of them. Finding the shittiest beer of every country is like, once you get it, that's it.
Some places you can't, though.

Speaker 2 Mandalay, Laos, Guinness.

Speaker 2 Give me the cheap. 4X.

Speaker 2 Where's that? Australia.

Speaker 2 Oh. VB.
Angkor Beer, Cambodia. Angkor.
Angkor. Angkor.
It's all made in the same way. It's just like so bad.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's like an elephant crushing a dinosaur.

Speaker 2 They also make the best t-shirt to come home with.

Speaker 2 Just to say, I was there. The Asians? Yeah, no, no, a beer shirt from somewhere in Asia.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Having a Chang shirt.
Yeah, you go, yo. The Sing Metal.
The cow shirt. That'll check.

Speaker 2 I'll let them know. It really captures the culture so well.
When I was there, I parted to ignore your culture. I threw up on a bullet train.

Speaker 2 I'm an alcoholic everywhere I go.

Speaker 2 We're in Chiang Mai on a day of rest or something. They're like, hey, just so you know, they shut off the power at a certain time.
You can't buy alcohol the whole day.

Speaker 2 And the whole hostel was like, what the fuck? Oh,

Speaker 2 sorry. We had an underground dealer come by.

Speaker 2 I could hook you guys up, but it's going to cost you hella.

Speaker 2 Again, what's hella? Like a dollar a beer. Yeah.
And you're like, this is crazy. This is nuts.
You wouldn't treat someone like this. You're supposed to be Buddhist.

Speaker 2 There's

Speaker 2 nothing like when you're haggling someone over 20 cents.

Speaker 2 And then you catch yourself and you go, what do I do? I don't even want this bracelet. They're like, please, sir, this could change the trajectory of my life.

Speaker 2 You just eat the change? You're like, fuck you. You're like, I need the change to throw it in the fountain later to make a wish.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Don't never end up like you.

Speaker 2 I think you could go to prison if you ate change in Thailand. Because it's the king's head that's like

Speaker 2 disrespecting the king. If you ate a coin in Thailand, they'd put you in prison.
That's what's stopping you.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying, I'm just, I'm just, I'm educating these fucking non-traveled losers.

Speaker 2 You can fuck all the kids you want in Thailand. Yes.
But you eat one penny. Next thing you know,

Speaker 2 you're getting caned in the public square. They've got plenty of one and not enough of the other.
Well, they've got their priorities in the right spot.

Speaker 2 Respect the money, fuck the kids. Do you guys want a big water?

Speaker 2 Whoa. I'd love a butt.
Thanks, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there are some beers over there. Can I get a butt left? Can I grab a man?

Speaker 2 Activate, Egot.

Speaker 2 Don't let Adam Egot grab a beer. He'll open it and ruin his life.

Speaker 2 Where was I just thinking of? That was fucking great. White Claw, sure.

Speaker 2 Call him trash. Here you go.

Speaker 2 Roll it on down to the nasty man.

Speaker 2 I'll take one of those. I have one open too.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Adam Egan, everyone.

Speaker 2 Adam Egan.

Speaker 2 Charge of the muddy shit.

Speaker 2 No, he wants a Bud Lev. Give me a white claw just to spite me.
There you go, good.

Speaker 2 Nice. hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, how about this as a group question? Okay, I like it. Something I've witnessed is when people, especially the English, go abroad and then they act the same way they do in England, which is okay.

Speaker 2 Like, they fight and they'll throw bottles off each other's heads and shit like that. Which is kind of fine in England.
But when you go to Europe, they don't fuck around with that.

Speaker 2 And next thing you know, they're getting fucking pistol whipped by the cops. Have you seen that? I've seen people like in Ideitha throw a fucking bottle on a wall because they think it's fun.

Speaker 2 And then the cops will jump out of a van and just beat the living fuck out of them. They're like, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah, and

Speaker 2 he's like, you're not allowed to do that. Oi.

Speaker 2 Like, it will tell you. Like, that's against the rules, it is.
And then they're like, just boom, boom. Beat the fuck out of him.
Hello, governor.

Speaker 2 Oi! Oi!

Speaker 2 Fuck off! I'm an American, eat ass. People are like, fucking.
It is fun to go the other way, too, when you're in China, and you're just like, we're all walking by, and we're like, let's get a beer.

Speaker 2 I'm like, it's 3 a.m. They're like, Temple Degas open.
The guy doesn't have AC. He's not sleeping.
Fuck yeah. And you're just like, hey, beer.
And you just drink them on the streets.

Speaker 2 And you're like, wow, is this allowed? And they're like, I don't know what you're talking about. Yeah, of course.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I haven't been to China. You've not? No.
That's next, next, next on the list. No, it's very low.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It might be. It's like that in South Africa right there in the gutter.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd like to go to South Korea. China's got some good food.

Speaker 2 Why do you think that'll appeal to me?

Speaker 2 They got Chinese food everywhere. You want to go to where? South Korea.
South Korea. What about North Korea? I think if they would have me, that'd be great.
No, you can go.

Speaker 2 Remember when we were going to go skiing? Yeah. They have a ski resort there that nobody's there, and you can get to it.
It's empty. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Even me ski? No, no.

Speaker 2 Of course, you're not going to hang out. Do you know how gravity works, sir? No.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You go down the hill a lot faster. Oh, yeah.
You get free rental. It's all about momentum, baby.

Speaker 2 Mr. Brightside.

Speaker 2 They let you in free if you burn an American flag. Whoa.
But it's real, and there's literally like four people that fucking go to the ski resort.

Speaker 2 So you have the mountain to yourself until you disappear.

Speaker 2 Korea, they do that thing where you roll the fucking shot in your head. Is that Korea? Is that Sai? What? Is Sai the Korean musician? You were pranked, Ari.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Who's that Korean musician? What are you talking about from

Speaker 2 Gangam style from like 15 years ago?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, that's Cy. Yeah, they had a whole song about people doing like this, rolling shot shot.
Yeah, he committed suicide. No, he did not.
Maybe. I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Who knows what he's doing now?

Speaker 2 It sounds plausible. It really does.
He made me legitimately sad for a minute.

Speaker 2 He was the first guy to get like a billion views on YouTube. He's like, I've achieved enough.
It was actually murder-suicide with the guy who did Chocolate Rain.

Speaker 2 That'd be fantastic.

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Speaker 2 Okay, I should be a host here. Help me out.

Speaker 2 Any questions from the audience about our favorite anything?

Speaker 2 I've got lots of questions.

Speaker 2 What's the worst drink we've had?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. I'm not actually saying Malorte, even though.

Speaker 2 I was thinking Malort's to begin with. Malort's the only thing that tastes like the devil.
I love when they give you, like, hey, here's the drink. It's from our town.

Speaker 2 Literally, no one here drinks it, but you have to. Yeah, yeah.
Like a shoey. I have been to Australia probably 200 days in my life.
I've never seen anyone do one outside new tourists.

Speaker 2 Just everyone at the bar?

Speaker 2 Bunch of shoey.

Speaker 2 I get the first round in.

Speaker 2 Probably like, have you ever had one of those uni shooters?

Speaker 2 They crack the egg.

Speaker 2 And they do it, but they're supposed to use a quail egg, but I went to this Japanese place and all they they had was a regular chicken egg, so it's like spilling over the side of the glass.

Speaker 2 And I had to like three gulps to get it down, but not really worth it. I got a lot of stuff.
Like Rocky.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 but there's like whiskey in there. Whoa.
Alcoholic Rocky. They may have just been fucking with me.
Now I look back on it. He likes the egg thing.

Speaker 2 They get a top hat and an ostrich egg. Everyone comes out of the kitchen to watch.

Speaker 2 Oh, I got one. Worst I've ever had.
It was in the Amazon. We were doing like a tour.
We went to some village. And there's a booth, Chi-Chi, something like that, where you have to

Speaker 2 grind up corn and then drink it and then spit it back up into a bowl and then ferment that for like a month. Then they have this, but this is the height of COVID.

Speaker 2 And then they give you a bowl and then just like scoop it out. And I'm like, am I supposed to drink this? And then they just pass, like, yeah, I'm like, a sip?

Speaker 2 Like, you should drink all of it if you want to insult anybody. Was it your throw-up or somebody else's throw-up? Then from Pat,

Speaker 2 he flew in a a month earlier. Yeah, and he goes, can you get this ready for me? I'm coming in.

Speaker 2 He kept this receipt. He's like, that's mine.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, that is mine. No, it's disgusting.
But by the fourth one, you stopped tasting it.

Speaker 2 He's not just like that. Because you're whistled, drunk, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then they want to dance with you because you're white, and then I'm dancing with some lady who's breastfeeding her baby while we're dancing. It was fucking great.
So it's like ethanol.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Drinking like 87-octane.

Speaker 2 I think BuzzBalls are the worst one. What's that one? You don't know about BuzzBalls? Was that like Forloco? Yeah, it's a product of these United States.

Speaker 2 What's USA?

Speaker 2 It's like the size of a well-developed 15-year-old's breast.

Speaker 2 To put it in terms, they call them will understand. What's it called? What's it called?

Speaker 2 Get up here. And then it's like if they cooked down Kool-Aid and mixed it with Everclear.
And then you drink it while you watch your girlfriend's son play volleyball or whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's very bad. I one time had like some kind of fucking snake liquor in Tokyo that you had to, you were supposed to, you shot it in like the pickleback, but it was yak milk.

Speaker 2 So you shoot this like weird snake liquor and then you do a yak milk. That's not a chaser at all.

Speaker 1 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 No. Chased me right out of the bar.
I would have reversed it. I would have done the yak milk and then chased it with the snake.
Yeah, that's the Cambodian stuff.

Speaker 2 That's like a horoscope. Yeah, that was very bad.

Speaker 2 One time I drank a guy's spitter on accident. That sucked.
You drank a guy's what? Spitter? What's a spitter?

Speaker 2 You know when you're chewing skull long cut, and then you're at some party in a trailer house in eastern Colorado, and then you're like,

Speaker 2 that's definitely my Keystone Light. And then you pick it up, and no, no.

Speaker 2 It's a guy's personality in a can.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it's his whole thing.

Speaker 2 When you feel a whole party gets silent, and you're like, what?

Speaker 2 There it is. There's no recovery.
You have to go home. You have to go home.
Yeah. You have to call your mom.

Speaker 2 How about some weird bars you've been to?

Speaker 2 I went to

Speaker 2 I guess like a sex bar in Cambodia, like an underage. I guess he said bar.
What made you guess at that?

Speaker 2 All these children are screaming. It was definitely a lot of like 18-year-old maybe men with like 60

Speaker 2 smiling British people.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Very happy British men.
Yeah, yeah. All right.
And girls too. There were were girls there too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was weird seeing them all very happy.

Speaker 2 They had the cameras. They were like talking to each other.
It was like a cover band on stage playing like zombie. Dude, I saw, I was in Cyprus, and I fucking saw a Palestinian band play zombie.

Speaker 2 Cyprus is like 300 miles from the whole, you know, kerfuffle, as you call it. And the misunderstanding.

Speaker 2 The big whoopsie.

Speaker 2 If Jews ran the media, this would not be a story. No, no, no.
The final, my bad.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 yeah, and they sang zombie, and I was just weeping, and my wife was like, what's the matter? I was like, you don't know anything. I'm feeling something.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 These are those emotions you always want me to show.

Speaker 2 This is what it looks like. Oh, and I was in Bratislava, and we went into this bar, and they were playing all this, like...
Balkan punk rock music. Cool.

Speaker 2 And the guy who ran it, who owned the place, was the comic who opened. And he's like, come on over.
It's called the International, of course.

Speaker 2 And he's like, yeah, come on over.

Speaker 2 i can't do the voice he was he was one of your guys oh yeah yeah it's like oh come on over here fuck uh that's not how we fuck his sound at all yeah

Speaker 2 and i was like this is crazy in here what are all these people and he's like well we got some slovaks and some balkans and you know some serbians and i was like well it looks like a good time and he's like yeah they all got fucking screwdrivers they'll stab you to fuck your wife and i was like

Speaker 2 what a great

Speaker 2 setting yeah there's nothing in like learned racism oh yeah it's not passed down. It's just like, I've worked in the service industry for long enough.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Could you do it? Could you just say you could fuck my wife without stabbing me? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 It was part of the agreement.

Speaker 2 You kind of got to stab me if you're going to fuck my wife. Because

Speaker 2 a little quick. Yeah.
If you just let her, you know, go. You want to look like you fought for her.
Yeah, yeah. Make it seem like I.
Babe, he's doing it either way. Why do I have to suffer?

Speaker 2 I'd be like, take my wife and then I'd stab myself with the screwdriver just to make it look like I struggled. For sure.
Well, I mean, that's the thing is they're like, if

Speaker 2 someone's going to shoot your wife, you have to dive in front of it. Yeah.
Because if you don't, you don't still want to be married. But you can have your timing be off a little bit.
That's right.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 God, I went a little too early. What are you going to do? Nothing.
You're dead.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to think what else. India.
Have you been to India? No, that sounds terrible. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, it is. It sounds really bad.
If it's worth going once. Yeah, no.

Speaker 2 My wife wants to go there, and I'm like, why don't you watch these three videos real quick? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's That's a

Speaker 2 funny thing.

Speaker 2 Woman on a bus. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Make sure you get your ticket validated.

Speaker 2 That's probably the worst place I ever drank because I got chased by a pack of like rabid dogs on the street. I'm so glad you said dogs.
Yeah, no, dogs, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But you know I meant Indians, right? Okay, yeah.

Speaker 2 The lower caste there is called dogs.

Speaker 2 The sound of the badge. Just dodging piles of human shit while rabid dogs chase you as you try to drink a beer.
Is there human shit? There is, yeah, yeah, there is.

Speaker 2 I was in Naples, and there were man turds everywhere. Oh, yeah.
Just dotting the streets. They're like, it's a great place, get the pizza.
No, there's a flotilla of human shit everywhere.

Speaker 2 I saw a guy on the side of the highway. He was just taking a shit right on the shoulder.
That was the mayor.

Speaker 2 Welcome.

Speaker 2 Is that culture?

Speaker 2 Everybody. That's in America, too.
There's lots of people having shits. I mean, but these people had homes that were shitting and cars.
But he chose to go out. Yeah, it was a choice.

Speaker 2 I'm heading into the city to do a shit. Yeah, he's like, I got to take a dump, right? I'll be back in a few hours.

Speaker 2 You guys go walk ahead. I'm gonna shit right here.

Speaker 2 Do you ever walk home from a place to your hotel or hostel and you're like, I'm gonna piss outside, but then you have to be like, How bad is it here if I got caught with this? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's why you gotta do the piss and walk. Piss and walk.
Piss and walk's a tough one, guys. Do you guys know the piss and walk?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Show them.

Speaker 2 On the table. Do it.
Get up. Shut up.
You just turn it around and then you walk like this. Oh, backwards?

Speaker 2 Bam, bum bum, bada, bum, bum. Da da bum bum.
Ba da bum bum. You're going forward? You go forward to not call attention to yourself.
Oh, yeah. But you got to go wide-legged.
I'm the idiot. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what.

Speaker 2 Stance.

Speaker 2 No, you got to do the. No, you don't.
You do it like this.

Speaker 2 No, not.

Speaker 2 Just roll like a log while pissing.

Speaker 2 The splashback on that is crazy. I piss on cars a lot.
That's my new thing. Pawn? I think pissing on the steering wheel of a car kind of looks.
On the steering wheel. Are you driving? What is that?

Speaker 2 I kind of piss.

Speaker 2 Fuck off.

Speaker 2 Break in just a piss on.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm driving. Can you imagine Cole just pissing all over the dashboard as he's driving? It's me custom.

Speaker 2 It's one of my ancient folk ways.

Speaker 2 It's good luck. It's good luck.
It's the Celtic way.

Speaker 2 Gets rid of the bad spirits. No, I piss on cars.
Cars is the good one. Go up to a car, piss on the wheel.

Speaker 2 No splatter. You can kind of look, oh, I'm just resting on someone's car.
Okay. Fake phone calls.
Fake phone calls.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. What a great call.

Speaker 2 I could not wait to get to the hotel for this call.

Speaker 1 Woo!

Speaker 2 You can always tell when someone's going to wrap it up because they wrap up their phone call, too. Like, all right, well, I got to go.

Speaker 2 I got to go. I'm out of this.

Speaker 2 Does the cop look at me piss? Have you ever thought about the gas tank?

Speaker 2 Because that's kind of like a urinal already. It is.
Yeah, do you want to? Any of the little rascals want to prank fucking.

Speaker 2 Give my teacher an apple with a worm in it.

Speaker 2 You even say worm, funny. You say milk like a retard, all right?

Speaker 2 You say milk weird. Milk? Yeah, you say milk weird.
You say milk. Milk.
Milk. Milk.
Say milk. Is it normal? Didn't hear it.
No, he said it earlier. He said milk.
That's the best.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I said yak milk. That's a tough one.

Speaker 2 Yak milk. Yeah, yeah.
You just call it milk. Milk.

Speaker 2 What are you saying? Milk. What is he saying? Malk or something.

Speaker 2 Like Malkovich or something.

Speaker 2 I don't really have to take this from you.

Speaker 2 That's fair.

Speaker 2 I want to, yes, Sam. Facts are facts, Sam.

Speaker 2 We have a hundred witnesses. Milkovich?

Speaker 2 Hey, John Milkovich. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I didn't.

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 2 hey, great, buddy. Thanks, Ron.
Yeah, you do.

Speaker 2 He started it. He started it.
We were all there. He started.
I was not nasty. I'm always accused of initial nastiness, and I never was.
I'm getting a bit big for your brain. What about this?

Speaker 2 What about fucking weed abroad? That's a kooky one. That is a kooky one.
He says kookie wrong.

Speaker 2 Idiot?

Speaker 2 Anyone want some malk for those kookies? Yeah.

Speaker 2 For the kookies? What do you say, say, kukovich? Malk and kookies?

Speaker 2 Egan loves it.

Speaker 2 They legalize it in Thailand, but before it was, they were like, they'll test your blood. The cops will try to like smoke and pass it to you.

Speaker 2 And then the locals, well, the expats that live there are like, no, you just go to the bottom. They'll test their blood? Like, how? They just look at it?

Speaker 2 They don't have infrastructure to do that. Just enough to scare you.

Speaker 2 They're just stealing the tourists' blood. There's resin in your blood.
They're stealing your blood and selling it in books.

Speaker 2 Wow. He's like, we need to to check your kidneys for this.
Are you a virgin, by the way? I'm just feeling something out. Okay.

Speaker 2 You're not albino, are you? What's your religion? Got it? Have you had AIDS in the last 60 days?

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 weed is good now in Thailand. Where else is it? Copenhagen is the best in Europe, to me.

Speaker 2 But didn't it... Amsterdam got ruined once it became legal in America.

Speaker 2 I went there back when it was illegal here, and that was like, you go there to get fucked up. Yeah.
And now it's...

Speaker 2 Didn't you take your first mushrooms in Amsterdam? I did. And I took what they call too many.

Speaker 2 I took them once. They gave us a very small amount.
We went to the Van Gogh Museum. I didn't really feel anything.
Went back to the same place. And she goes, oh, you're big guys.

Speaker 2 So she gave us nine grams each.

Speaker 2 And those are wet mushrooms, though. No, no, these were dry.
Oh, no. They were called Philosopher's Stones.
The truffles. The truffles.
No, these were...

Speaker 2 That's a mushroom. I remember dumping them out of the packet, and there was multiple handfuls and I was like, oh, this seems like a lot, but I don't know anything.
The barista said. Yep.

Speaker 2 And then we went to a restaurant to eat. I sat down, looked at the menu.
The menu started dancing around all the letters.

Speaker 2 Some lady was looking at me, and then I thought she bullcharged me, so I stood up, knocked everything over, and ran out of the restaurant.

Speaker 2 Ten seconds later, my buddies were behind me. I go, are you feeling anything? And they go, we're fucked.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then we tried to find our hotel, and we kept walking towards it, and it was like the moon, moon because it just kept staying the same distance away no matter how far we walked.

Speaker 2 Well those Dutch treadmill sidewalks are so fucking tricky.

Speaker 2 The chocolate mushrooms?

Speaker 2 Oh yeah.

Speaker 2 Were you there? No, we were in Joshua Tree. He wasn't there.

Speaker 2 One time we went.

Speaker 2 Come up. Come up Adam.
Sorry.

Speaker 2 Adam, talk about this. Adam Eat.
We're in a Joshua Tree.

Speaker 2 Adam Eagot and the waiter file here.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's another mushroom. Take that one.
Mushrooms do not work on Adam Egot. Yeah, no, yeah.
They do eventually.

Speaker 2 But we, yeah, we were in Joshua's tree and we were doing a, yeah, we ate a bunch of mushrooms and then we ran out. I think because I ate them all.
And

Speaker 2 then Ari's like, oh,

Speaker 2 I have a backup stash that a fan mailed me, and there were chocolate mushrooms. And we're like, oh, great.
Yeah, this is obviously a good idea. Ari has

Speaker 2 totally

Speaker 2 normal, not disgusting psychopath fan. So So

Speaker 2 we all just shove these chocolate mushrooms in our mouth, not thinking twice. And then I was the first one to realize it.

Speaker 2 It tasted delicious at first, like chocolate. And then it was reduced.
And then I noticed that. Like mushrooms.

Speaker 2 And I noticed

Speaker 2 about 30 seconds later that, oh, this is, I'm spitting this out immediately. Because we were like,

Speaker 2 what's that taste? What is it? There's a hint of something. And then I was the only one who knew exactly what it was.
And I was like, Yeah, that's vomit. Somebody

Speaker 2 dropped the mushroom story, everybody.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. Oh my god, you knew that? You sickos do that? Once you knew it was vomiting, getting involved.

Speaker 2 Someone sent you chocolate shirts. It's for sure what it was.
There was no doubt, and then it was like, ah, fuck.

Speaker 2 Who was it? Which one of you fucking animals did it? They're dead now.

Speaker 2 Damn, fuck. This is 10 years ago.
12. They're gone.
That's not cool. You You and Adam were on vacation together? We would drive from the comedy store late at night.

Speaker 2 Adam would wear a black suit and Joshua tree. He goes, I don't have time to go home and change.
We're like, you're fine. We'd be walking.

Speaker 2 We'd see a lone car at night, and it was just four dudes walking alone

Speaker 2 at midnight, one of them wearing a suit, and just look at the car and then just drive by.

Speaker 2 He'd walk into the woods. The guy in the suit's about to get murdered for sure.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Adam's like, well, this is as long as I don't get it dusty.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Do you remember we went to Banff in Canada and did mushrooms, and then there was a moose hiding in the bush. Do you remember that? Yeah.
And I was like, I'm going to jump on top of it.

Speaker 2 Do you remember? Yeah. It's a bad idea.
And I go, no, I think this is a great idea. I think it's a good idea.
And Ari talked me out of it like a pussy.

Speaker 2 I think they're like pretty territorial about shit like that. I said, I think that's just a myth.

Speaker 2 You wanted to rush people. They're like, no, it's cool.
It's just a baby bull.

Speaker 2 Remember. I go, it's a tiny one.
I can take it. All these people in Colorado will charge elk to get a photo and just get fucking trampled.
So one of the best tramplings.

Speaker 2 As far as tramplings are concerned, I think it's hippo number one. Hippo steel, huh? Oh, yeah.
Chasing boats. That's a good one.
Lena Dunham, number two.

Speaker 2 She's an easy target.

Speaker 2 And then, yeah, I think that you have your large land mammals, their four-legged land mammals. But the most, I'm saying with the most justified, when somebody's like, hey, you're way too cool.

Speaker 2 You're not supposed to do that for a selfie. And then when they get hurt, it's like everyone's like lena dunham yeah

Speaker 2 i have a life canal you backed up you you snuck up on her

Speaker 2 she pooped her she booped

Speaker 2 you gotta bring her some chocolate ease her in

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 good time you disturbed her while she was at chick-fil-a that's why

Speaker 2 Where else have we gotten fucking my dad took mushrooms in Amsterdam?

Speaker 2 We all took mushrooms. What year? Maybe I was there.
This was two years ago. Oh, okay.
Yeah, wow. The embargo had been lifted.

Speaker 2 So I remember my dad eats these mushrooms and he's like, these aren't working. And then we take the Amstel River Cruise, and it was Christmas time.

Speaker 2 So it's like they have all these light installations. And it's very beautiful, even if you're not fucking gorked, you know.

Speaker 2 And my dad's just sitting there, and we're on there with a bunch of Israelis, and then me, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my dad.

Speaker 2 And the Israelis are fucking, you know, what a great language.

Speaker 2 Israelis.

Speaker 2 Israelis. Sorry.
That's the one you want to be ambushed with when you're kind of tripping with your family.

Speaker 2 Ah, you're very alien.

Speaker 2 And we dumped my mom's ashes in the river. That was why we went on the boat.
Did she ask for this? What's that? Did she ask? No, no.

Speaker 2 She's long dead. Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 I thought you were just trying to make room for more souvenirs. That's right.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like when you.

Speaker 2 She was a big fat lady.

Speaker 2 And then my dad's not talking, and then out of nowhere, he just says, it's like we're the art.

Speaker 2 The mushrooms are working, dad. Nice.

Speaker 2 I had a very, very opposite experience doing shrooms at the same river cruise, me and all my Irish Dublin friends, 17 or 18

Speaker 2 and Ricky and Patty.

Speaker 2 Again, facts are facts. So it's not a joke if it's true, so fuck you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but we actually,

Speaker 2 they kicked us off because we were making so much noise on the thing. They made you walk the plane.

Speaker 2 I'll just pull back in, fucking, yeah, and they get the fuck off. And I remember going purposely, I'm like, guys, I think we're being a bit loud.

Speaker 2 And all my friends are like, no, no, you're supposed to.

Speaker 2 Dude, you know it's bad when Column says we're being a little loud here. No, because I noticed that you got us kicked out of a fucking Uber in Nashville.

Speaker 2 What's your stance on Palestine versus Israel? That was the first thing you said when we got in. I got a notebook tip.
I got a numberboy tip. I'm not going to give him five cigars.

Speaker 2 That's the first of six questions.

Speaker 2 And then you kept going, look at this fucking guy. I did? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It might have been a blackout Kali cocktails type. Kali Cocktails rules.

Speaker 2 Well, at least we have something to talk about in the pod. You know what I mean? I'm me getting blackout and

Speaker 2 loose up to Uber drivers. We got to be more respectful on this cruise.
You know, like, why? Like, there's a guy who's about to pour his mom's ashes out.

Speaker 2 Keep it down. Let's do a line of it, mate.

Speaker 2 Is that considered littering, though? Could you get in trouble for that? No, no, it's composting. Okay, yeah, okay.
That's natural.

Speaker 2 We were helping. I like to think.

Speaker 2 Jesus in fucking. How many? I've always wanted, because we got my dad's ashes, but he was 6'6.

Speaker 2 Like 280. Whoa.
And it came in like a can about this size. So I don't think I got all of them.
I don't think so. Okay, so he may have sold his ashes to other people.
Yeah, well, the fat drips.

Speaker 2 That's what you gotta remember. My dad was seriously.
It renders. It renders it.
It renders, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. It's a Mylar reaction.
Okay. So, yeah.

Speaker 2 You kind of put them on those solo stoves.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. Slow cook them.
That's right. Yeah.
Sousie.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You need a big bag.

Speaker 2 As an expert on how to burn people,

Speaker 2 you just put it together and let the fat work against each other, and it really boils the pot or nothing.

Speaker 2 And they also say that you probably have some other matter that wasn't just your father's. Yes, I was.

Speaker 2 Because it's just a big fucking, they just put like eight people in there at once and then split them up. Yeah,

Speaker 2 you think he was over on this side.

Speaker 2 Exactly. You think an employee comes in with like a desk that you can't throw, just like burns that with your dad something?

Speaker 2 That's my dad's Prince Albert right there. Yes.

Speaker 2 No one will know. They'll recognize that ring.

Speaker 2 Of course people aren't getting their own ashes. No, yeah.
Yeah, of course not. It's a whole

Speaker 2 scam. I don't even think they're burning.
It's a fucking scam. Just putting them in a dumpster and just

Speaker 2 getting some ashes. Just out of like a wood fireplace.

Speaker 2 Wait, what is the most popular name in Ireland?

Speaker 2 Mohammed?

Speaker 2 Wait, was that a trick question?

Speaker 2 No, because that's what all my right-wing friends say.

Speaker 2 Apparently, there was a study that said

Speaker 2 we allowed so many fucking people in.

Speaker 2 That now

Speaker 2 apparently the most popular newborn name in Ireland right now is Mohammed. But I don't know if that's true or if that's just the type of Twitter shit that I read.

Speaker 2 I think it's probably true. Airport fight.

Speaker 2 Anti-immigrant sentiment from Ireland. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anti-vaccine.

Speaker 2 I declare a fatwa.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what's the most popular name in Ireland? Mick Sean.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 But I haven't heard that Mohammed is actually on the rise. I just did my worst bomb in like 10 years in Ireland.
I heard, actually. You heard.
There we go.

Speaker 2 What, someone sent a pigeon?

Speaker 2 They destroyed, they burnt the stage.

Speaker 2 They destroyed the vengeance. Like when there's a massacre takes place and you're not allowed in Pulse Nightclub anymore.

Speaker 2 Sounds festival show was our Pulse Nightclub. You're not going to Pulse anymore?

Speaker 2 I bet they renamed it Obado again.

Speaker 2 It trickled down to you? You heard about this? What happened?

Speaker 2 I heard it from Shea Doris. Oh, good.
Where was it?

Speaker 2 I was in the big tent, and it was Tommy Tiernan, who's like a national treasure.

Speaker 2 I got an episode coming with Tommy Tiernan. He's great.
Do you? Great. But it was his crowd.
So it was a bunch of like 60-year-old, like, Irish

Speaker 2 retides, yeah. You know, yeah.
Potato potata. I'm sorry.
That's insensitive. That's funny.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 you just sit on that, huh?

Speaker 2 Starts crying.

Speaker 2 We all see the shirt.

Speaker 2 So I'm over there and it's like, it was, I guess the abortion thing was 51.49, pro-abortion. It just passed.

Speaker 2 And I had like 15 on abortion and I opened up for that fucking, you know, Torio Vanzalone or whatever. He's one of the things that I've got.
Oh, he's Sergio or whatever. Yeah, yeah.
Corky.

Speaker 2 Vito, Vito, whatever.

Speaker 2 Vito, Manicotti. Something.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it was the night before I opened the abortion show. My wife's an abortion provider.
It was great. And then the next night I did, I got like three minutes in, and a woman just went, enough!

Speaker 2 Yes! Yeah, and I was like, it can't be that bad. And then I saw another woman weeping.
Just like crying. Yeah, yeah.
She had to be or you know, she had to be ushered out.

Speaker 2 And then like

Speaker 2 six minutes, I kept my head down. I kept doing my stuff.
And six minutes. Ushered out just like the baby.
Yes, exactly.

Speaker 2 It's the finest honor you could pay.

Speaker 2 And nobody yelled, this show is an abortion. That would have been a great.

Speaker 2 You couldn't save it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 2 A woman yelled, stop while you're ahead. And I went, ma'am, I couldn't be less ahead.

Speaker 2 It's a new moment. So I get off stage after literally eating it so bad.
And I get off and Tommy Tiernan's like, that was just so brave, what you did up there.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, he's not like that. He's an oasis, is he? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, brave's not the term you ever want your comedy described as.

Speaker 2 Unless you're a woman.

Speaker 2 No, shout out.

Speaker 2 But he was like, he was just so brave. You stuck to your guns and you didn't equivocate.
You didn't compromise. You did what you came to do and you did it exactly.

Speaker 2 It was just so great to watch. And I was like...
By order of the Peaky Blinder. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was like, yeah, but I bombed. And he went, of course you bombed, yes.

Speaker 2 Okay. Good point.
I got him back the next night. I went, you guys talk funny, huh? And they were like, yes.
All y'all women are. I was just slapping my belly, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shaking keys. They gave me a, yeah, they loved it.
What did the first woman say to you? She said, please stop.

Speaker 2 One morning, enough. Enough.

Speaker 2 I was bombing my dick off, same situation in Ireland, in Ireland, hoping for someone. They all came to see the headliner, didn't give a fuck about anyone else.
And someone early into my set said,

Speaker 2 please leave.

Speaker 2 It was silence. It was just, please leave.

Speaker 2 And then I did this, which I thought was a great trick. I go, oh, yeah? Clap your hands if you want me to leave.
No, you can't do that.

Speaker 2 And then it was just her. And then I go, clap your hands if you want me to stay.
And it was silence. And then I went, well, I'm staying anyway.
So Jesus. Pushed it.
You had something.

Speaker 2 I went.

Speaker 2 That's as bad as let's see you do better. And then you turn the mic over to somebody.

Speaker 2 And I've seen people actually do all right. Earthquake buries you.
Yeah, it's earthquake Sinbad. I'm like, I'll try it.

Speaker 2 Let me riff for 25 minutes on.

Speaker 2 What's Sinbad doing in Ireland?

Speaker 2 It's so funny when you don't know someone's cultural shit. You hit their thing that's just way deeper than in your own country.
I was doing retard stuff in London. Top secret.
Good club.

Speaker 2 I got the same thing. Move on, guy.
Yeah, I hate when they say move on because then you're like,

Speaker 2 the bit was almost over. Yeah.
But now it feels like I'm following you. You would have moved on.
I was about to. Yeah, the bit would be over.
I mean, it's not like the bit goes on forever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just do your act. No, this was no act.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, whatever.
Fuck the English. The English suck.
English do suck. No one likes the English.

Speaker 2 They're good at drinking one beer in the daytime. Ale.
Oh, yee. No, Have ale.

Speaker 2 You pump ale because of. Yeah.
We'll keep doing the thing, and they get it. Yeah, they do this big performative.

Speaker 2 You know, it's just like, you just invent a new tap. Come on.
This is not.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they really take a lot of pride in, like, this place has been open since 1142. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Give me the new stuff. I don't want this whole thing.
How much fucking lead is in the pipes around here? Everywhere in England is always like, this used to be a dungeon for the black plague.

Speaker 2 Many a child lost their life in here. Have an ale!

Speaker 2 It's just

Speaker 2 tastes like poison.

Speaker 2 That's what cured the darkness. It might be flat, but at least it's warm.

Speaker 2 Flat, warm beer.

Speaker 2 At least I can't feel it on my tongue.

Speaker 2 They have a Budweiser there. It's Budweiser.
You're like, no, it's checking. It's way worse.

Speaker 2 Who has the best beer?

Speaker 2 Belgium is the destruction of the USA.

Speaker 2 USA. Irish? Column gave us a tutorial on how to tell the best Guinness one time.
Did I?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we were at a sports bar in

Speaker 2 Pittsburgh. Me, you, and

Speaker 2 Nate Marshall. Yeah.
And you were telling us about, you have to tell me, but it was all about the suds and how it's going up and the exact white glass and how much more he goes.

Speaker 2 He goes, at a place like this, I would never have a Guinness. It's just not the right place.
And then Nate's like, got us three Guinnesses.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I remember how disgusting that was.

Speaker 2 But I'm a bit, I will say,

Speaker 2 I'm a Guinness snub.

Speaker 2 Like the way we swim contact with wine or whatever. They won't drink out of a mug.
But I'm like that. Like with Guinness, I'm very...
You have a very low bar for wine snobbery.

Speaker 2 I drink out of the mug.

Speaker 2 If you pour it in my hand, I'll say no. Do you ever drink wine out of a mug? It counteracts the fucking lack of culture.
It kind of makes it more cultural. Who was serving it to you in a mug?

Speaker 2 I poured my own wine into a fucking mug that said world's best dad

Speaker 2 found him on the side of the street. Number one principle.

Speaker 2 I think fucking Super Dreisma, it's the best super. Super Drizzma best beer.
It's the best beer.

Speaker 2 This is the Japanese stuff. A good Guinness is really hard to beat.
I'm not paying. I love the beer.
It goes so well. I mean, you find out it's less caloric than other beers.
I know it's all the same.

Speaker 2 But that's only one. A stout is from Ireland.

Speaker 2 But I guess Germans have all their lagers and pilsners and shit like that. Yeah, but it's all head.
You get a beer anywhere in central fucking Europe. It's just all head.
Like a subway masturbator.

Speaker 2 You want that pussy at some point. What are you doing here? What the fuck are you doing here?

Speaker 2 What's a not-gross doing here? Wow.

Speaker 2 She came back looking for her clothes.

Speaker 2 He got chasing her.

Speaker 2 Adam. I booked the mothership.

Speaker 2 Adam, those Austin rules won't fly here.

Speaker 2 I'm from Hungary. Let me feel those titties.

Speaker 2 These are custom.

Speaker 2 What else?

Speaker 2 I like a delirium tremens. That's my solution.
Yeah, that's a solid one. Belgium, that's Belgium.
That's a little fucked up, though. One of those 9%ers.
Disgusting, he says.

Speaker 2 Canada has a lot of those 9%ers. Triple X is one of those.
They still serve that in Canada? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I used to go there.

Speaker 2 Kilmaze is a good beer, too. Sorry.
Oh, no, go ahead. Oh, no.
I was saying we used to go to Canada from Indiana. We'd drive up, and then we'd go drink at 18.

Speaker 2 And that's where I punched a woman in the face in a bar.

Speaker 2 No, my friend's got in like a big brawl, and I went there to like break it up, and somebody punched me in the back of the head. You punched me, and I just ran the woman.

Speaker 2 I just spun around and just punched, and it was a chick. That's very progressive.
Yeah, I know. I told you, that's the day I became a feminist.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Woke, woke, woke, woke. I did, yeah.
I thought to myself, this woman's never been treated equal to a man.

Speaker 2 And that ends tonight.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was smoking like weird weed in, well, we found real weed in Tokyo. We went to like a weed bar.

Speaker 2 Legal? No, no, no, no, no. Very illegal.
He was a local businessman. That's how he described himself.
You know, just a giant brick of swag. And he was just fucking breaking off and rolling.

Speaker 2 Did he have like a cheese knife where he was just like cutting some off? It was a katana. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was Tokyo.

Speaker 2 Was he black or white or Asian? It was Tokyo. Okay.
Yeah. Well, I found everywhere the Nigerians are the ones.
Everywhere. And China, wherever the Nigerians are, they're selling hash.

Speaker 2 Tokyo is like an ethno-state. Okay.
Yeah. Nice.

Speaker 2 Again, something that shows up on my feet a lot.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of white supremacists who really admire what Japan has done. Yeah.
They go, serious. They go, look at the lack of crime.
Why is that?

Speaker 2 Because they put them all on a boat and fuckers.

Speaker 2 Godzilla was a warning to these people.

Speaker 2 It was a metaphor, but it. And I would explain, and I'm like, I'm here for Mothra.

Speaker 2 Godzilla, the ultimate wall.

Speaker 2 So go ahead. Oh, no,

Speaker 2 the weed was fun. We were very high.
But then my friend was, he went to one of those THCA places.

Speaker 2 I think he was just smoking

Speaker 2 reptile cage cleaner.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Bat salts or whatever.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the drugs in other places are like, I don't really know what this is. Yeah.
But there's no way of all the drugs, like the food that they serve people here is so poisonous going into the world.

Speaker 2 That the drugs, the legal drugs, must also be fucking made out of just rat poison you're saying here here oh yeah the pesticides as a farmer i guarantee you there's a lot of pesticides going on are you a farmer i yeah i grew up on a farm and a motel steve o'neal yeah and you're a yeah cowman falconer falconer ran a hotel and a farmer yeah falconer too

Speaker 2 dad was a falconer he kept it in the house though

Speaker 2 he did stole it from the from the wilderness and it flew free around the house they had no mice in the house

Speaker 2 and it would perch itself on top of the freezer door.

Speaker 2 He would click on my eyes. I'd be trying to do my homework.
He would scar my beck and legs. Yeah, that's actually true.

Speaker 2 I didn't have a popsicle for like three years because the fucking thing was just sitting on top of the freezer door.

Speaker 2 It's so funny to learn an ancient skill like falconry

Speaker 2 and then still blow it somehow.

Speaker 2 Well, he got a book from the library. That's how he learned falconry.

Speaker 2 He did, but he only read like three chapters, and then he killed it. He ended up killing it.
That was Thanksgiving Day. No,

Speaker 2 he fed it something that wasn't supposed to.

Speaker 2 Your sister's ferret.

Speaker 2 The old falcon.

Speaker 2 And then we had to bury it because you can't even have like feathers because he'll go to prison. Like, it's a federal agent.

Speaker 2 How did he steal the falcon? So here's the deal. He got a book on falconry.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 one day he just showed up with a baby falcon. And he claims that, like, what a coincidence.
I happened to be looking into falconry and I found this falcon

Speaker 2 that had fallen out of a nest so he says but he also had a ladder in the back of his truck so I'm assuming he climbed his tree I we had falcons at the farm that were free and he said that it can't be that way forever

Speaker 2 At some point of every someone's life, their father should return home drunk with an animal. Well, my dad was drunk all day, every day, so he did.
That's exactly yeah.

Speaker 2 But imagine you're staying in this roadside motel and you look out your back window and in our backyard is a six-foot-six maniac flying a fucking falcon around with a welding glove.

Speaker 2 Not even like a real

Speaker 2 old welding glove.

Speaker 2 And he's got like fishing line attached to its legs instead of

Speaker 2 no equipment, none of the real equipment that you need. He goes,

Speaker 2 he would tie him to a wire? He said, that's Big Falconry trying to rip you off.

Speaker 2 You can use this stuff that you buy at TSC. That's the tractor supply company.
Of course. And

Speaker 2 you can go there. So as soon as we got done pregnancy testing cattle, we'd come home and he'd take the falcon out for a spin.
Bring the falcon out. Yeah.
And then it died.

Speaker 2 Probably the best thing that happened to that falcon. I got to be.

Speaker 2 Suicide bomber.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no.

Speaker 2 He fed it pork.

Speaker 2 I guess they're Jewish. I don't know what they're doing.

Speaker 2 He had a second chance. He had a good

Speaker 2 pork and he goes, let's switch it up.

Speaker 2 I don't know if the pork was bad, there was some sort of parasite in it, but you know.

Speaker 2 No, I didn't know. Yeah, I would perch it on my dick.
Falconic eat meat.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we didn't have a lot of regulation in the house. It was just kind of

Speaker 2 do what you want.

Speaker 2 Where was it? Yeah, that was a delight. Indiana.
Falcon Graveyard. Indiana in the 1940s.

Speaker 2 No, no. This is 90s, 2000s.
Hell yeah. The hotel was open until 2009.
The Falcon Grave is still there. You can visit it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 A guy fucked a chicken in one of our rooms and it became like a big news story.

Speaker 2 Took some heat off your daddy falcon.

Speaker 2 So he goes, thank God, thank God for this. Anything goes with birds over there.

Speaker 2 I was in Scotland in July with Tom Dustin from Comedy Key West. Uh-oh.
And he nice. Yeah, and he proposed to his lady at a falconry place in Scotland.

Speaker 2 But but with so this dude from Zimbabwe, he was like, hello, it's me, a man who's white from Africa. And Tom Dustin was like, South Africa? And he he went Zimbabwe, and Tom went, uh-oh.

Speaker 2 You know, they were the real

Speaker 2 genocidal maniacs. But, yeah, so like, they're like, okay, now we have a big show, ladies and gentlemen, Douglas.
And it's a little owl. And Tom's like, what the fuck is this?

Speaker 2 Said it was going to be a falcon. And it's this Douglas, who's this little blob of an owl.
And they're like, okay, Douglas has a

Speaker 2 special message for Kristen. And so we're just waiting there as they're trying to entice Douglas to fly over to this woman's wrist.

Speaker 2 But Douglas isn't fucking moving. So you hear the guy from Zimbabwe being like, come on, Douglas, you're making a fool of us all.

Speaker 2 Anytime, Douglas. Douglas, these people paid for a show, Douglas.

Speaker 2 You're a dramatic bitch, Douglas. Sorry, we're out of corn, but just do it.
Well, they had pieces of like chicks, like baby chickens, that they were just tearing apart to feed to Douglas. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Putting it on this chick's wrist. Yeah, what did they do? Just take a chicken breast and go wear it like a a wristwatch.
A chicken. It'll land up.
What would they scrape blood on this chick?

Speaker 2 Or Douglas? What do they just crack open, like rip a chicken open like a pistachio open? Literally ripping off pieces of baby chicks and feeding them to this lazy owl.

Speaker 2 Did he do it? Did you get it? Douglas. Did he do it? What? What? The fuck, Douglas? Yeah.
He finally flew over.

Speaker 2 And then Tom's wife was like,

Speaker 2 read the message. He's got a message for you.
And she reads it, and it says, Kristen, will you marry me? And she goes, yeah.

Speaker 2 and then she looks down and Tom is on one knee with the ring and she says oh I thought Douglas was proposing

Speaker 2 well then I gotta think about it yeah

Speaker 2 she goes yes of course a million times I don't know

Speaker 2 it's always been you Douglas

Speaker 2 that's great

Speaker 2 it's always weird to propose to your wife in a foreign country oh you're telling me did you do it no oh okay I did it I did it in India. Oh, he's like, you were our television.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I thought it was going to be like romantic, but like...

Speaker 2 Put your arm in that sewer of shit. Yeah, no, dude.
We were both shitting our pants.

Speaker 2 There was like no good time to do it. Diarrhea tablet? Yeah, literally.

Speaker 2 So it was like almost our last fucking day there, and I was like, I got to pull the trigger here. So I was like, we're up in the mountains in like Namital.

Speaker 2 That's already bubble butt.

Speaker 2 And also, what? It was. Oh, it was already bubble butt.
Well, dude, we were just, yeah, we were crushed. But there was like a,

Speaker 2 there was like a garbage fire and shit that was illuminating the mountains. It was beautiful.
It was in its own way the most beautiful. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was like, let's go look at the garbage fire because it looks beautiful. It's like there's two sunsets, honey.

Speaker 2 But she was like, I don't think we should leave the bathroom. And I was like, it's 15 feet.
And we'll be back, I guarantee you, in like three minutes. So I did it.

Speaker 2 And I took a knee and she was like, did you shit your pants?

Speaker 2 And I was like,

Speaker 2 you got diarrhea all over the back of your ankle. I did it, but it was memorable, you know?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because people are always forgetting the proposals.

Speaker 2 Don't do that.

Speaker 2 We bring it up all the time. Do you remember like, don't do it somewhere nice.

Speaker 2 We both had shit-streaked underwear when you went down.

Speaker 2 That's beautiful. Yeah.
What a nice memory you gave her. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Our memories are never like romantic. They're always a little extreme.
I mean, Indian garbage fire?

Speaker 2 You're like, Yeats. You're like, some of that garbage could have been ours from yesterday.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 How did you like India?

Speaker 2 I loved it, but I wouldn't go back for

Speaker 2 many years. Because of what you did on the bus?

Speaker 2 Well, I went there because my sister is from, my sister-in-law is from India. So we had the best thing ever because her family is rich.

Speaker 2 So we had like a private driver and stuff. And if you say rich, you mean like $30,000 a year?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they got like sports stadiums named after them and stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they only had a couple of things of barbed wire around their home. Dude, you should have brought that falcon to protect your lady.
Oh,

Speaker 2 nobody bothered, though. There's a lot.
What I did like was there's lots of dudes.

Speaker 2 There'd be like five dudes on a motorcycle. That was what gave me.
What, in India? Yeah, five dudes on one motorcycle. That's what it was.
I would never go with a girl to India.

Speaker 2 The only bad stories from India is diarrhea or gang.

Speaker 2 Yes. Well, we...
My sister-in-law is, their family has like a border.

Speaker 2 Well, at least I did get beaten with a tire iron, but at least no diarrhea. That's how they smell you down.
They go, oh, someone's got diarrhea in time.

Speaker 2 You're a delight.

Speaker 2 But we couldn't leave this fort that we went to because it was in town. They go, they know Americans are there.
You can't go outside now.

Speaker 2 And I was like, but they're not dudes. And they go, we don't know.
We can't be for sure about that. It's broken.
It's a game.

Speaker 2 Because sometimes I like to tuck my dick out and walk around the public. You know what I mean? Patience zero thing dudes.
They're like, they're just doing butt stuff, so anything goes.

Speaker 2 Sam, you're just in Paris. You drink booze there? You drink wine there? Yeah, yeah, I did.
That's a solid place. I drank a lot of Beaujolaise there, young wine.
I like that. What is that?

Speaker 2 Is that sweet? It's not very tanny. The feel of wine? That's right.
All right. Yeah, it's like it hasn't had enough time to develop any real flavor, so it's just cold and vaguely sweet and young.

Speaker 2 Beaujolais. Nice and tight.
Nice, tight wine.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's tight wine. Fearless wine.
Oh, that's some innocent wine right there.

Speaker 2 I like my wine.

Speaker 2 Oh, that had so much potential. I want to creama nocta on the wine.
They're like, this wine's been groomed on the internet by older wine.

Speaker 2 These grapes taste afraid.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're sure no one's drank this yet? Yeah, this is free. This is fine.
This curios, right? You'll be the first. Let me get my tongue in there.
You know, it's natural to drink young wine.

Speaker 2 Hey, older men, they often have a taste for it. The Romans used to do it.

Speaker 2 eBay likes it. eBay?

Speaker 2 Egot. eBay? Oh, yeah, sorry.
Yeah, I guess nobody knows that. That's their nickname, eBay? eBay, yeah.

Speaker 2 Why? Tom Barrison? Called him eBay once. I don't know.
Oh, I thought it was going to be some great buying of dill.

Speaker 2 It's pretty disappointing when you put it into a

Speaker 2 boring. Yeah, put it on a

Speaker 2 lookout. Damn, Egot talked, and 12 people left.

Speaker 2 What are you doing up here?

Speaker 2 Where's that chick?

Speaker 2 Does she walk by every hour or what's the deal here?

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. She's probably sucking off Josh Adam Myers right now.

Speaker 2 While the dog watches. Have you seen him? I'm getting old job.
He's fucking sleeveless, and he's got like a fucking shifty shell shock haircut. He's a little piece of meat.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a hunk out there. He's got a dog.
HBV is on a run wild this weekend.

Speaker 2 He looks like Rashmouth. I got HBV, but he sang me a little tune.

Speaker 2 What else? Hold on. Let's see what else we can do in terms of like booze or

Speaker 2 some inebriant gone.

Speaker 2 Have you guys gone somewhere where they don't drink?

Speaker 2 Have you gone somewhere where it's like Saudi Arabia or some shit like that? Mormon wedding. Yeah.
No booze. Wow.

Speaker 2 Dry counties and towns. How many wives? Sorry? How many wives was he marrying? Just one.
One at a time.

Speaker 2 Is it each wedding? Does he get a wedding per wife? Ooh, that's horrible.

Speaker 2 That would break the bank. That would really be.
Oh, I get to keep doing this.

Speaker 2 What do they serve in lieu of alcohol? Like, is there some

Speaker 2 Palmers? Arnold Par Palmers. Arnold Palmer.
Oh, yeah. Shirley Temples on tap.
They literally had like a tap at Shirley Temple. Just the sugar.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I was sober at O'Neill's wedding, and I had to keep asking for non-alcoholics.

Speaker 2 Because you were playing that, was it Sober October? Yeah. Yeah, but I did see you drink, and I think it was lies.
Because they did not have non-alcoholic beer. I specifically said.

Speaker 2 He asked for a non-alcoholic.

Speaker 2 Whatever the guy handed him, that guy handed him. He didn't know he's rude.
Yeah. Yeah.
He saw that non-alcoholic fucking whiskey right there.

Speaker 2 And then he goes, We don't have a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then just bring it.
And then whatever he brought. It was non-alcoholic.
That was alcoholic as shit. You were stumbling around, dude.

Speaker 2 No, from the carbs.

Speaker 2 I love non-alcoholic.

Speaker 2 You're like, give me all the carbs. None of the alcoholic feelings.
You grabbed my wife's boob.

Speaker 2 I like it like that. The little one was taken.

Speaker 2 Bargarians were all over that. Sorry, I assume this is yours.
This is yours.

Speaker 2 There was a smoking section in a bar in Ljubljana. Full smoking room.
In the bar. In where? In Slovenia.

Speaker 2 Regular fucking smoking room. It was crazy.
I'm shocked that

Speaker 2 it isn't all smoking.

Speaker 2 All yes or all no, but I've never been like, just do it over there. Like an airport with a door.

Speaker 2 Yeah, all right. One of those grain facilities.

Speaker 2 But there's smoking places in New York. I smoked in Orlando somewhere recently.
Like, smoke. It was a smoke in Pulse.
It was just an Irish pulp there.

Speaker 2 Oh yeah, that was smoking cockpit. Some of those gays are still flaring.

Speaker 2 It was full of smoke when you were done in there.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what, didn't have to pay my tab that night. Did we really shut down Pulse? Is it not what's there now? Uh it's hardly just like called Gravestone or whatever now.

Speaker 2 It's a new nightclub called Gravestone? Maybe, who who knows? You know, the gays are animals. They don't have any respect for their dead.
Men's heads are half off.

Speaker 2 We had I went to a gay bar in West Hollywood and they would like serve you a beer and they'd go like that and slam it so it would like bubble up and go over it. Like I get it.
It's funny.

Speaker 2 It's funny. Yeah.
But then after like the fifth one, you're like, it's stopped. You're wasting my money.
You're wasting my money.

Speaker 2 Was that the one that had a glory hole in the basement in the bathroom? Do you remember that?

Speaker 2 I only saw one.

Speaker 2 Okay. Sorry.
I didn't know if you had gone there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I only saw dicks coming through, but I don't know if it was. I only know because Tripoli came up from the basement.
He's like, there's a fucking glory hole in there. His jaw was killing him.

Speaker 2 I was on the wrong end. I was on the receiving end.
What do you do with a glory hole? Did you put your cock in there and just wait?

Speaker 2 Or do you wait for a cock to come through? Because a pussy can't come through. No,

Speaker 2 you're putting your cock true to hole.

Speaker 2 What a trust exercise.

Speaker 2 Probably the hardest thing is starting a new glory hole because how do you get people to start? It's like a Shawshank Redemption thing. You have to hang up every time you have a shot.

Speaker 2 And then you just sit on the other side with a good book waiting for somebody to just show up.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, like when you walk into a small store, it goes,

Speaker 2 oh,

Speaker 2 Put some lipstick on. Oh, put your cocktail.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, we've got a customer. You walk in back in five minutes sign.

Speaker 2 You start sucking it, guys. Like, whoa, I didn't know it was that kind of glory hole.
It'd be funny if you put your dick in there and then you pull it out and it's bigger.

Speaker 2 That'd be cool. Like a Captain America box.
Or you put your dick in the glory hole and you pull it out and there's just a purple heart attached to it.

Speaker 2 Glory. Yeah, yeah, no, I get it.

Speaker 2 I don't think they did. did.
The DVD of the Matthew Broderick movie with Denzel Washington. They put it on your dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like the idea of a magical glory hole. What if you and some other guy both put your dick in different glory hole at the same time? You swap bodies.
You swap cocks. Freaky Friday.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you freaky Friday'd your cock.

Speaker 2 I have to go home

Speaker 2 with a fucking giant five-inch cock. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's circumcised. It'll fuck you.
It's a black five-inch cock. Circumcised, it doesn't smell, it's unbelievable.
Oh, she can dream. This is the original plot's a parent trap.

Speaker 2 Then Disney goes, all right, guys, I got a couple of notes for you.

Speaker 2 Just swap it up a bit. You know, Walt's dream of going with pornos? Maybe we should pull that back a little bit.

Speaker 2 The trap was just a guy's huge foreskin.

Speaker 2 You lock it in. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, you get trapped. Yeah, you got to cut your way out.
Hey, yeah, a Chinese finger trap. Chinese finger trap.
Foreskin to foreskin.

Speaker 2 Oh, shut up. You like it.
A little docking? A little docking never hurt nobody.

Speaker 2 It probably hurt every single person.

Speaker 2 That's a myth. You know that, right? It's incredibly painful.
Docking's never hurt anybody. Docking, yeah.
No, it'd be fine. To stretch your dick out around another guy's,

Speaker 2 I assume it would hurt. I don't know.
I don't think it would be a hoot. Yeah.
But

Speaker 2 your foreskin has some play. That's a weird thing.

Speaker 2 You probably don't know because you guys are all fucking been butchered by your parents or whatever. But I'm a natural man, full man, full man.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I always say, you know, why why don't you put prizes inside?

Speaker 2 So like if a chick pulls it down, an Amazon gift card falls out, like

Speaker 2 I think it would do a lot for

Speaker 2 your cause.

Speaker 2 People would be like, I'd like to suck an uncircumcised. See what I gotta put together.
Yeah, as instructions, like a kinder, brother. Your circumcision was done by a falcon.

Speaker 2 I think my dad may have done it at home. And then he's like, now go spray this Roundup.

Speaker 2 We had to spray a lot of Roundup, and I remember it always blowing back in our face.

Speaker 2 My brother, oddly enough, did have cancer, so I don't know. Did you ever wither any sheep?

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, fucking.

Speaker 2 We would put

Speaker 2 rubber bands. We would do the rubber bands.
Yeah, yeah. But sometimes, and this sounds bad, but my dad's dead, so we could say, I think he would wave, they got a little too old.
He lost track of them.

Speaker 2 So we'd put them on, and then they'd walk like all fucking, you know, it was like somebody putting a rubber band around your nuts. Of course.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We used to do that a lot, and then when

Speaker 2 the sheep had kids, my brother always like come look at the lambs and then he'd spray me with the tit milk. Oh yeah.
He'd like shoot it out and hit me in the face with it.

Speaker 2 Just classic farm fun. Good old classic farm.

Speaker 2 You're a good time. And then we used to shear sheep.
Yeah. But no one ever taught us how.
My dad just goes, here's clippers. It's probably self-explanatory.

Speaker 2 And then he just sent us out there. Your dad just lets you watch the movie Barbershop.

Speaker 2 The same kind of hair. That's what happened to me.
Somebody just gave me Clippers. I'd be like, you got it.
Yeah. Same with castrating pigs.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, they're tricky, man. You got to get that pig bat out and fucking whack them on the snow.

Speaker 2 You have to hold their head between your thighs while someone holds up the rear, and then you got to make two. You get to.

Speaker 2 It's your pleasure.

Speaker 2 I go, can I be the holder again? Sounds like Columb's parents' honeymoon.

Speaker 2 Holding a pig's head.

Speaker 2 Joke's on you. I don't think my dad ever brought her anywhere.
Oh.

Speaker 2 I think she's still waiting for a trip abroad. Yeah.
She has a ticket to Hoth.

Speaker 2 I've been there.

Speaker 2 Inside Bay. Is that a thing? Honeymoons in other fucking cultures or no?

Speaker 2 Is it just an American thing?

Speaker 2 I hope so. More American propaganda.

Speaker 2 I hope there's whimsical adventures in other cultures. I think most get married and then they're like back to the tailor shop.
Yeah, back to work.

Speaker 2 Back to the assembly line.

Speaker 2 Are there any questions about booze I'm missing that you guys are clearly like in your heads? Have you been arrested? Have you been arrested? That's not bad.

Speaker 2 While traveling, you mean? Yeah. Yeah.
I went to a hospital. Wait, from booze.
We're going to start here.

Speaker 2 One of those. Either one of those.
Have you ever gotten in trouble for fucking drugs or alcohol in another place?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well,

Speaker 2 Tijuana. Tijuana.
We drove there. We graduated, and then we drove directly to the Colorado.
We drove from Colorado. The insurance doesn't cover your car if you drive over the border.

Speaker 2 No, we parked and then we took a bus from San Diego.

Speaker 2 And then we get down there, and the first thing I did was buy a giant sombrero.

Speaker 2 I was

Speaker 2 like, aka a tardy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 18 years old. Went in Rome.
Buy a sombrero.

Speaker 2 The one you brought me wasn't that big.

Speaker 2 People were making fun of you. They took it at the border.
They're like, you call that a sombrero? You're an official of a sombrero. This is a sombrero.
They're like, uno pato.

Speaker 2 And you're like, it's cool, right? He's like, how many people do you think you could get to dance around that? Four?

Speaker 2 Pussy.

Speaker 2 You're the band.

Speaker 2 This is our first meeting, by the way.

Speaker 2 Ryan rules.

Speaker 2 You guys wouldn't actually get along. By the way, I've always wanted to meet you.
Hey, right back.

Speaker 2 You know what? I love you, man. I love you, bro.
Hey, Barissa, if you're editing this, cut that out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but then we like bought Blow at some whorehouse. Yes!

Speaker 2 Yes! Good question. You were after the whores.
No one got sucked. Oh.
But we all went in there with like $100 in our sock and our IDs, and that's all we brought in. And my buddy Jay.

Speaker 2 Were you wearing shorts? I was not wearing shorts. Wow.
They could see the $100 through your...

Speaker 2 Yeah. It wasn't a a roll of quarters.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, this was before I got my groove back. So I'm wearing pants.

Speaker 2 And yeah, and then we did some of the blow, and then the guy who sold us the blow was like, let's go get some weeds. We walk out and he walked us directly up to two police officers.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it was the four of us. He was holy shit.
No, he was no buddy. No.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, the sombrero didn't help me court the best people, you know? He's like, your honor.
He's like, hello, I'm a American retard, everyone.

Speaker 2 Cartell. Oh,

Speaker 2 nobody thought you were Cartel.

Speaker 2 They thought it was Cart.

Speaker 2 They thought it was Cart Mann.

Speaker 2 Well written.

Speaker 2 Well written.

Speaker 2 But yeah, so then I just like, I took out like $40 and was like, and they were like, okay. And then they pretty much slapped us on the button, told us to get back in there.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Spend your money. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I just remember standing on a balcony of a whorehouse at 18 years old, just looking out my first time ever out of the country, so high on cocaine, and and it was the saddest I've ever been. Oh, what?

Speaker 2 I was like, is this adulthood?

Speaker 2 I'm not mommy's little boy anymore.

Speaker 2 Oh, to be young, though. Yeah.
Now looking back, that's a fucking good Tuesday. Yeah.
You always got to put like, because I used to go to Mexico a lot.

Speaker 2 Did you drive down from Indiana? No. Well, actually, we used to, we did, actually.
Two spring breaks in a row. When I was 15 and 16, we drove all the way down.

Speaker 2 But when I lived, since I live in LA, we used to go down a lot. Me and my brother-in-law.
But the federales, like, when you're deep in it, they pull you over all the time.

Speaker 2 And then you have to have hats and shit to give them. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 We would drive down to Twitter. Oh, I got the sombrero.
Yeah, exactly. You go here.
We go from La Jolla comedy store. We're like, at some point, you're drinking.
Somebody's like, let's go to Mexico.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you'll be there in 45 minutes. So it's like, let's go.
And O'Neill's like, I have to have a knife. I'm going to go.
That's right. He would just raid the condo for a regular kitchen knife.

Speaker 2 It was like, this will do. Oh, I would not.
I don't like to go places without a weapon. Like, when I land, I find a weapon to defend myself in all countries.
You've never had to defend yourself.

Speaker 2 Somebody tried to kill me in my own neighborhood.

Speaker 2 Luckily, I had my own weapon. What, your falcon was on you?

Speaker 2 Igby, eyes.

Speaker 2 Good question. Excellent question.
Great question. I just feel better going Tijuana with some sort of weaponry.

Speaker 2 Weapon tree. Weapon tree.
And I say milk weird. Yeah, no.
I like to put T's on things.

Speaker 2 It messes it up. Me too, man.
Anybody else

Speaker 2 Any hospitalizations? Ooh, not bad. Yeah, I did so much Molly Ketamine Coke

Speaker 2 and I don't know pill in Berlin and danced for 18 hours.

Speaker 2 Nice. And then had to take, I went to Norway the next day.
My back seized up and I had to spend three extra days there in a fucking hotel.

Speaker 2 You danced yourself injured? Yeah, I danced myself injured. I was like, yeah.
But this guy I was with it was getting drugs. I didn't even know him.

Speaker 2 He was just like, he was like, ah, you don't speak anything here. I'm like, nah.
He's like, come to the bathroom over and over again. And then he was like, slow down, though, right? I'm like, nah.

Speaker 2 Nah.

Speaker 2 The Berlin whoremonger told you to slow down.

Speaker 2 That's the sex club. Is that the sex club you went to? Uh-huh.
Yeah. And you didn't go in the basement, though, where like the real.

Speaker 2 I kept starting to go to the basement, and I'd see somebody on their knees fucking blowing a guy. It was Mark Norman.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Blow, Jap.

Speaker 2 I was in Berlin with my father, and we were like at a show, and the guy who ran the show was like, you know what you got to do? You got to go to the sex clubs.

Speaker 2 Even if you're not going to have sex, you just got to see what it's like. You got to see, you got to smell the room.
And I was like, I'm here with my dad. And my dad went, let's hear him out.

Speaker 2 I'm back.

Speaker 2 On the next episode of Wonder Years. You think you'll remember me?

Speaker 2 He's like, did you save some of your mom's ashes?

Speaker 2 You would definitely want to be in there. You spray it in your cock first.

Speaker 2 We walk in and they're like, Mr. Talent, good to see you again.
Here's your robe. Do you have your punch card?

Speaker 2 So you chew your back out at a sex cup?

Speaker 2 Later.

Speaker 2 Not fucking, though. Not fucking.
Yeah, yeah, I'll be a classic guy. Waiting in law.
No, I was doing that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I regret not going to the dungeon. I'll never get back into that club.
It was a slow night. No good DJ.
So I got in.

Speaker 2 Normally it's just jam-packed. Jam-packed.
And they look at you and like, no. Are there guys like camped out waiting to get in like they do for...
The line is

Speaker 2 it's like an hour long. Yeah, you're supposed to wear all black to get in, learn a little bit of German so that you don't seem like a tourist.
But then they'll look at you, they go, no.

Speaker 2 And if you go, come on, they go, you'll never get in here now. Oh, so you just have to take it and go.
People go on the way to other clubs. Like, let's try, and then we'll move on.

Speaker 2 What if you bring a lot of women with you? If you're a six-foot-tall trans woman, you're in. Okay, well, yeah, anything gay wearing like leather, like, you're in, for sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's a joke on you then. Fucking

Speaker 2 doesn't have the outfit. Yeah.
You know, here's a fun joke you guys can do if you're a big fat person and you're in you're in Germany.

Speaker 2 If someone says donka, you go, no, Shrek, and you point to yourself.

Speaker 2 They love it.

Speaker 2 They was going to be spit on my water.

Speaker 2 The slam dunk every time.

Speaker 2 Thank you for pouring me some of my own water.

Speaker 2 That's a good host move.

Speaker 2 No, I've never been hospitalized.

Speaker 2 Who else question? Another question. Worst case of diarrhea.
Oh,

Speaker 2 Cincinnati, Ohio.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Hilarities.
What a nice thing.

Speaker 2 No, Ari's going to piss. Whoa, look at his penis.
Do the backwards. Moonwalk.
You got to moonwalk it.

Speaker 2 Do the Sam Talon. Oh.

Speaker 2 It's like looking in a mirror. I need to piss.
Should I try my bunny hop piss?

Speaker 2 I'm sure there's no splash. Aaron, let me make sure everyone get a view of this.
Ari's farting now, too. Smells like matza.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 This is what we're fighting for.

Speaker 2 Your tax dollars are worth

Speaker 2 here. Let me make sure everybody can see the little spotlight on there.
That's a lot of piss. All right, chug it, dude.
Chug it.

Speaker 2 His balls are crazy.

Speaker 2 It's like his dick has two roommates.

Speaker 2 When he's in Germany and they go, Donka, he goes, just the balls.

Speaker 2 Always kept on. I've learned my lesson.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. Well, what was the question? Does anybody want to chug this?

Speaker 2 Yeah, worst case of diarrhea. Worst case of diarrhea.

Speaker 2 Oh man. Anyway, that's the end of the year.
Yeah, India for me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 100%. India was.
It's got to be India. Me and Mark, for me, it was food poisoning.
It was barfing and shitting into a whole toilet.

Speaker 2 You have to stand over it and then put your knees.

Speaker 2 Just piss it over.

Speaker 2 You know how they have the wet showers? I was just bending over, puking, and just blowing it out towards the drain because there's nothing else I could do.

Speaker 2 There was nothing you could do. It's the worst one.

Speaker 2 If you really want to test your fucking impending nuptials, man. You're like, baby, I'm blowing it out both.
And she's like, there's still shit on the wall.

Speaker 2 There's still a ring on your finger, too, bitch. All right.

Speaker 2 For now. I bought the ring in India because I thought I'd get a good deal.

Speaker 2 Did you? No, still fairly expensive.

Speaker 2 Oh, it was over $100.

Speaker 2 You got to get a blood diamond. You just go to South Africa.
I'll be like, how about I just beat the shit out of you to give you a diamond?

Speaker 2 You're like, hey, let me have that one that's smuggled in your asshole right now.

Speaker 2 They do x-rays on those guys sometimes. Before they leave, yeah.

Speaker 2 Crazy as people.

Speaker 2 Ecuador as well. That fucking gooey.
They gave me the torso. What is it? It's a

Speaker 2 guinea pig.

Speaker 2 And they gave my wife a leg, and they gave the fucking father of the home a leg, and then I got the torso, and it was like eating a deflated football.

Speaker 2 It was truly terrible. And the heart was in there? They're like, the heart is good.
Did you like the meat? I mean, I ate everything on my plate. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The cheek, but it's like it's a splayed-out guinea pig, and it's like this. And then the cheek is good, but you're eating, like, it's not like cut off.
You're on it, like,

Speaker 2 biting a guinea pig.

Speaker 2 How many guinea pig cheeks do you need to eat? To be need to? Zero. One two?

Speaker 2 Line of them. Delicious.
Anthony Bourdain said it could save the fucking world.

Speaker 2 Did you get to pick out your guinea pig like a lobster tank or no? Oh, that was.

Speaker 2 They just take out a brick. that one looks happy yeah yeah

Speaker 2 what about have you eaten dog in china i might have in east timor because they said like what is that and they're like duck and i'm like duck like no duck i've eaten and i'm like duck and they're like no duck Dog yeah and I finally got it.

Speaker 2 They'd be like,

Speaker 2 oh no. I'm like, what's that? They go mixed grill.
And I'm like, okay.

Speaker 2 You're like, what's this thing I'm chewing on? Oh, one of those tracking beacons they inject into a dog?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just start beeping and like like spots.

Speaker 2 I had a fried tarantula, and I wanted to eat a rat eaten Cambodia.

Speaker 2 You got to come back on and talk about Cambodia. Yeah.
I would love to. I've eaten a lot of bugs.
Bugs are good. Yeah, you realize that.

Speaker 2 Crickets in Mexico. Seafried cricket ants, those ants they have in Iowa.

Speaker 2 Those were very good. They're big giant ants.
Are they like this? They're probably

Speaker 2 like pinky knuckle sauce. They're big.
What do they taste like? It's really salty. Yeah, salty.
They were tomato chips. Yeah, they were very good.
They just pop them in a bag.

Speaker 2 You just eat them like fucking nuts. I would have killed killed for a bag.

Speaker 2 It was like a side.

Speaker 2 What was it, like a cider just kind of sprinkled on it?

Speaker 2 We stayed at a family's home. We were totally immersed.
Yeah, so she made it.

Speaker 2 And I got very bad diarrhea from drinking some kind of juice.

Speaker 2 Maybe cora, maybe blackberry juice. I love when you like get diarrhea in a foreign country.
You're like, what was it? You're like, man. Who knows? One of nine things.
Spin the wall.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you said some kind of juice. I just, someone offered you juice, and you're like, what is this? And they went, uh-huh.
Yeah, it was really good. It was like street juice.

Speaker 2 Yeah, street juice. Yeah, street juice.
I know what got me sick, though, because it was these fermented peppers. You know when you're taking a chance.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I didn't think I was because my brother always said that he used to eat them, but he was also hospitalized once when he went to India.

Speaker 2 But he didn't tell me that this time he's not going to eat the peppers. And so.
Because last time? Yeah, because I got there a little early. And then when I got there, he goes, don't eat the peppers.

Speaker 2 I go, I've already been eating them two nights in a row. And he goes, you're pretty fucked, probably.
Joe Liss, we were in Europe, and he came to visit, listen, Sarah.

Speaker 2 And we were like, hey, you have to boil your water. Like, if it's not a bottle, you have to.
I'm like, okay. And then he just didn't take it to heart.
We had been there longer.

Speaker 2 And he, like, warmed up some water for tea. And then he took like two sips.
Like, oh, I wonder, does it have to actually be boiling? And I was like, maybe I'll stop. Too late.

Speaker 2 We drove two hours back. He stops every six minutes at a gas station.
He goes, I know you're going to think I'm joking. You have to pull over again.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 At a fucking Ecuadorian gas station, you got to piss. We'll wrap this up.
Hold on. I just, like, have diarrhea often, too.
Well, there's that, too.

Speaker 2 So it's like, is it more because I'm here or is it just a message? That is funny. Because, yeah, I get, yeah.
In America, I've got obviously more than anywhere else.

Speaker 2 So, yeah, I think we are a third world country. That's what's good sometimes.

Speaker 2 Before I go, go ahead. All right, go piss your piss.

Speaker 2 Fill the bottle, Carl. They're all full.
They're all falling off. It's the local customer.
No, I can't. You can't because you won't.
No, I won't.

Speaker 2 I will not. Hey,

Speaker 2 don't do it in that can. It'll serve us all.
To bad you're not circumcised. Well, he's already done this.
Let's wrap this up.

Speaker 2 Before we go, I like to ask people if they have any travel tips and what countries they want to visit, like what's on their mind. But any basic or general travel tips? More specific?

Speaker 2 Take the bus, take the train. And also,

Speaker 2 if you're in Europe, get a small beer. I think getting the small beer is such a class move because if you get the big beer, it gets hot quick and it's mostly foam.

Speaker 2 But if you get the little beer, it's actually beer and you can kind of pace yourself as you go keep getting new ones yeah just keep getting new beers then you can taste a lot more beers solid tip it is a great even for high school kids here the 40 ounces overrated overrated yeah you don't need duct tape to enjoy your night

Speaker 2 get 312s yeah

Speaker 2 you got one ryan um

Speaker 2 man uh

Speaker 2 just fucking get out of the tourist sections go to the local towns and that's it i mean i will counter you by saying if you do go to a big city do the hop on, hop up thing when you get there, that bus.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you're going to see the entire fucking city in like four hours, and then you can be like, oh, I want to go there. I want to go to this place.

Speaker 2 And you kind of like check every box, and you think that you're being a fucking lazy tourist, but really, you're just like, you know, cheating a little bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you're also in the safety of a bus, so you can sort of look at it all without being like, oh, fuck, I'm a murph. This is a bad neighborhood.
Right.

Speaker 2 And then you can also see cool people on the bus and be like, well, that guy's got dreadlocks. I can go talk to him.

Speaker 2 Also, go to the places that, like, go there's so many cheap places like I'm going to Poland specifically just because it's fucking way cheaper than the rest of Europe and it's gonna be I've heard it's all have you been to Poland no no but I love the history yeah yeah

Speaker 2 they have this one spot where they've done good work they've done good work for the world

Speaker 2 I can't believe they closed it down

Speaker 2 it was some people say let's reopen it it was one of the most successful factories of all time

Speaker 2 so successful that they're like we've done our work

Speaker 2 Here's your pension and severance package. You can quit now.
Also, don't be afraid to look like a complete fucking idiot because you're going to look stupid. And don't try to speak the language.

Speaker 2 Or learn just a little bit. Yeah, I would say try to speak the language.
I like to walk in in Paris and go, bonjour, to everyone in there.

Speaker 2 And then I'll be like, puis je voie une croissant.

Speaker 2 And then and then they're like, all right, what the fuck do you want to do?

Speaker 2 But if you walk in and you're like, can I have a croissant, please? They're like, ooh.

Speaker 2 If you walk in and you're just a cartoon, they're like, oh, you just fucking trying. Dude, somebody, I was in Paris and I learned that same puisa auva.
Please may I have.

Speaker 2 And then somebody who like really knew the language like, that's actually

Speaker 2 way too formal. And I'm like, fuck off.
Right. I'm trying.
I got it. They know what I'm saying.
That's pretty good.

Speaker 2 Where do you want to go?

Speaker 2 What's calling you next? By the way, those cheap countries make it a just different experience. Yes.

Speaker 2 Where you're just like, nothing costs anything here. Let's just have fun.
Ecuador is great. The $2.50 lunches.

Speaker 2 They're so good. The food is always better.

Speaker 2 The food is always better than the real Turkish food. It takes longer.
Like, why is it taking so long? Like, we're making it. Yeah, right.
Yeah, you have to wake somebody up.

Speaker 2 We kill you in a big dog right next to a house.

Speaker 2 I want to go to Altany, Kazakhstan. I want to go to the capital of Kazakhstan because it was Russian-owned, and then it was Turkish-owned, and then it was like Chinese-owned.
Oh, the fucking.

Speaker 2 And they have all this confluence of fucking different architectural types. I bet they want to go there.
I think it's like fusion food, too, that it's like from all those.

Speaker 2 That'd be great. That's a cool one.
What do you got? Where do you want to go? Where do I want to go? Dallas. Fuck.

Speaker 2 Dallas place. Dallas improv food.

Speaker 2 What about you while he thinks?

Speaker 2 I want to go to Poland and then I want to go to Argentina next year. I'll be there next year.
Come visit me. Okay.
Are you living there? Poland's there.

Speaker 2 People sleep on Poland. Poland's gray.
Have you? You've been? Yeah, I've been. I've been to Kraft.
We got to talk Tyler.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't do it like that.

Speaker 2 Did you take any cool photos? Like, yeah.

Speaker 2 I go, this doesn't make sense. None of this makes sense.

Speaker 2 The whole time we go, how many? Yeah, right. My dream is to go where they have all the shoes.

Speaker 2 Where did you put these 6 million, huh? Show me. Did you go to the shoe bin where they have the 12? I went to the shoe museum.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do they have any 11 and a half?

Speaker 2 They got a lot of them. They're like, what a waste.
I was like, I would love to wear these. 11 and 2.

Speaker 2 You know what they say? Good enough for Jews, good enough for you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They say that. I've seen the bumper stage.

Speaker 2 in Philly. Argentina? I want to go, yeah.
I'm going. He's going.
You're moving there? No, I'm just going to go for the money. You have a great comedy scene.
Yeah, are you going for revenge?

Speaker 2 That's where they all went, right? Yeah. Are you hunting?

Speaker 2 Nazi hunting. We had a Nazi hunter speak at my school once.
He caught one of the bad ones in Argentina. Not one of the good Nazis?

Speaker 2 One of the upper-level ones.

Speaker 2 Those guys are working for NASA.

Speaker 2 Not one of the hunts who's like, guys, I don't think we should do this, but I'm going to go.

Speaker 2 Let's hear them out.

Speaker 2 Anybody have any objections? Uh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe just sterilization? I'll just say it again. Did he say what he did to him? No, but they all called, they all learned, like, like

Speaker 2 the local accents and like embed themselves so they found this guy, made sure, and then they put a hood over his head and threw him in a van. They were like the Donny Brosco of

Speaker 2 fucking Nazi hunters. And he goes, he was like, who got me? And they go, in their accent, they go, who do you think? And he was like, Israelis.
Silsenstein.

Speaker 2 Israelis? And they're like, like, Yeah. Wow.
And that's it. They hung him.
But I tell you what, that Nazi village in Argentina is probably the best. The best Christmas market.
The best.

Speaker 2 The best, best, yeah. Broadworst.
Yeah, best Venercy. It's the best.
Everything. It's efficient.
They know how to repair a Volkswagen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The master of disguises.

Speaker 2 Everybody's driving Mercedes. It's nice.
Yeah. Well, guys, I think it's time to wrap this up.

Speaker 2 Column Tyrrell. Thank you.
Thank you. From the Column Terrell podcast? From the Column Column Terrell podcast.
Ryan O'Neill, what are you doing? Ryan O'Neill, I got a podcast called Slop Quest.

Speaker 2 Yeah, take a look at it. Are you still doing beach cups? Nope.
It's now SlopQuest. Okay, great.
Guys, check that out for sure. And Sam Talent is a travel-related show.
What's it called again?

Speaker 2 Wide World, Wide World with Sam Talent. I saw the first episode and a half, and they're great.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 SamTalent.com for live dates. You guys all both got to come back on the podcast you've been on.
You'll be back. And guys, thank you very much.
Have a good night, everybody. Thank you, guys.

Speaker 2 Appreciate it.

Speaker 2 Okay, guys, we're back.

Speaker 1 Hey, hey, everybody. Hold on.
Oh, yeah, it's just me, Ryan O'Neill. Sorry, I didn't know if you could recognize me.
Setting up in a new location, Ari Shafir here.

Speaker 1 Thank you for watching the episode, Ryan. Make sure to watch his podcast or listen to

Speaker 1 Slop Quest with DeWitt. Yeah, check it out on Spotify, iTunes.
You can watch it on YouTube, but they shadow ban us because we opened a little too hot every time. Okay, wait, hold on.

Speaker 2 This is this guy.

Speaker 1 This is him. Oh, why don't we do it with this guy? Gloria de Cristobal Tupac Amaru,

Speaker 1 National Bus de la Rebion.

Speaker 2 So this is 1780.

Speaker 1 So that was after the Incas are gone, right? Yes. So this has to be Tupac II.
200 years. When were the Incas gone? They would have said Tupac II.
They wouldn't they have? So wait, is this?

Speaker 1 Is this his birthday? Was he only 15?

Speaker 1 Or is this the Revolution? The Revolution, I think, was a man. And that's him.
Go ahead and pick his nose a little bit. Damn, he's a handsome man.
He really is a handsome man.

Speaker 1 He's the kind of guy you just want to

Speaker 2 hold you.

Speaker 1 I wish, do you want to kiss him on the lips? No. I mean, yes, but it might be disrespectful.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 There we go.

Speaker 2 Boom.

Speaker 2 How's that?

Speaker 1 Look at that hair, man.

Speaker 1 Beautiful hair.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 We're talking about coming in hot. Thank you for watching.
Last year I watched SlopQuest. Check out Ryan O'Neal on YouTube.

Speaker 1 A little bit. Instagram? Instagram.
Instagram.

Speaker 1 At ryano'neil.com.

Speaker 2 At ryan o'neal comedy.

Speaker 1 It's o'neal's O-N-E-I-L-L.

Speaker 1 Okay, talk about coming in hot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this episode, I came in a little hot. Oh, do you want me to tell you about the episode where we were dope? Give me another time.
Okay, so I recently was a panelist on the Kill Tony program.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It's an up-and-coming new show for hot young comedians.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I came in real hot.

Speaker 1 Real hot. And they had to cut all of it out.
No, they cut that out? Yeah. They cut all that talk about whatever.
Yeah, yeah. They cut all that.
He doesn't know what it is. Yeah, but it was great.

Speaker 1 The crowd was getting. I thought it was.
everyone was dying.

Speaker 1 He was embarrassed, yeah. And then it was like, We're cutting all of it out.
No way, did they really end up cutting it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Red man was pissed.

Speaker 1 He's like, I gotta fucking cut all this out. Oh, it was really like annoying to every time.

Speaker 1 He's like, All right, I can't blur, I can't blur video, only pictures. Um, you should just get a pixelated thing that you can put on your road, but then the crowd won't see my dick.

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah, well, there we go.

Speaker 1 I sorry, guys, you gotta see that cock. Um,

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I remember when I did

Speaker 1 Nerdist, what is it? Meltdown?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did it twice.

Speaker 2 One.

Speaker 1 Was that where you cocked Brody? No, that was at the comedy store. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no, no. You did one where you came out on stage naked.
No, not

Speaker 2 the nerdist thing.

Speaker 1 After Brody. And Andy Kindler came out.
No, that was the M-Bar. Got it.
Okay. This is at Midnight.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You helped me write for it. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And I came out with an abortion joke out of the gate. And Rob Riggle goes, come on, man, which is the first joke.
Like, he literally goes, come on, man.

Speaker 1 They ended up banning me from that show for one of my fucking many

Speaker 1 cancelings. And they were like, the guy put his foot down.
He's like, I'll never book that guy again. And I'm like, well, I won.

Speaker 1 Dude, I do remember that. But that's what.
But my thing is, like, you always got to come out hot, right?

Speaker 2 Come out hot.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I don't, and Hardwick, every time I would do it, because Hardwick's a great guy, but he's also like clean, you know? And so he'd be like, oh, come on, man.
But the crowd laughed, points.

Speaker 1 I think that's the best.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Because my threshold for what I think, I don't think I'm coming out. No, I know.
It's just an abortion joke. I didn't realize the crowd needs to be like, it's not a dead baby joke.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I came out, you're like, save that story for like 30 minutes in. And I was like, and I just go, wait, I think I should just do it right now.
It was something about throwing money at hookers.

Speaker 1 It was a lot of. So then you're like, God,

Speaker 1 it's too much. Too soon.
Too much.

Speaker 1 I think I said, hopefully, they all leave this in, but

Speaker 1 I think I said, cut that, cut that.

Speaker 1 Unlike Tony, I don't mean it.

Speaker 1 Cut out our niggas. It'd be the worst.
Cut all that stuff because it's personal. It was personal about the past.
He doesn't want that coming out. But I was like, I got to open with something.

Speaker 1 What do we all share? Yeah. You share one thing.

Speaker 1 Check out Ryan O'Neill. Also, Sam Talent, go to samtalent.com for his tour dates.
He'll be in Timonia, Maryland, Denver, Colorado, San Diego, Portland, Cincinnati, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, Louisiana.

Speaker 1 Check out his book. One of the best guys working.
Running the light. Best guys, best comics.

Speaker 1 Literally one of the, yeah, one of the nicest guys, but also one of the absolute funniest guys working today.

Speaker 2 Yeah. He really is.

Speaker 1 He's like, if you're like, I want to meet an ideal comic, it's him. I met him in Milwaukee.
For the first time? Yeah, I was doing a show.

Speaker 1 They had him open for me at some like, I was like the last day of a festival, but I was just part of my tour. Yeah.
And he opened for me, and I'm like, dude, like, he crawled. I call Comedy Central.

Speaker 1 There was an old network called Comedy Central. Oh,

Speaker 1 what year was that? The 1970s? And I was like, do you know about if you're looking for new faces, that's that's the guy? And they're like, no, we don't, we know who he is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we know who he is, and we're not going to do anything with him. We're not going to do anything.
Which is probably smart. So he loses 200 pounds.
And he goes, I'll gain 70. I'll show you.

Speaker 1 Which is pretty smart, though, on his part because now Comedy Central doesn't exist. Yeah.
He does his own. I have a show on there on Paramount Plus.

Speaker 1 Hey, you're moving up in the world. Did not get any of that cash.

Speaker 1 Column Tyrrell. Check him out at Column Tyrrell at YouTube, Instagram.

Speaker 1 Hilarious guy.

Speaker 1 If you catch him at 9 p.m., he'll turn into Collie Cocktails. Oh, you got to go get Collie Cocktails.
He might have been Collie Cocktails in this podcast.

Speaker 1 He turned. I saw him turn.
You can watch him turn live. Really? New Brunswick, New Jersey, and Rosemont, Illinois.
Get him at columnTyrrellTour.com. You can see him touring.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And at some point, he just becomes a different guy. That That was Holly Cocktail.
Was it later that night when the ambulance got called at Skank Fest because he was

Speaker 2 passed out and puking? Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, they called it on him? They called it on him. Oh, I thought they called it on someone else.
And then the two.

Speaker 1 And then he goes, you might want to check on me. This guy's more important.
He goes, that other guy has just puked a little bit. This guy's like, he might die.

Speaker 2 I thought they called it on him.

Speaker 1 And he's like, I'm fine.

Speaker 1 I thought he said.

Speaker 1 Colin goes for it on Skank Fest.

Speaker 1 I think he goes for it on a Wednesday in his regular house. Today's episode is produced by your mom's house network, sort of, but also guest digital.
Produced by really Alan Caffey.

Speaker 1 If any of this was

Speaker 1 viewable or listenable, that is because of the hard efforts of Alan Caffey saving this. So here we are, London, England, beautiful.
Beautiful London, England. I mean, really, it's like a cloudy day.

Speaker 1 The mountain favelas of London, England over there,

Speaker 1 as you're used to.

Speaker 1 Some of of the great architecture that the British have

Speaker 1 brought to us

Speaker 1 Juan Batista Tupac Amaru and I don't know who these are the other there's oh there's two Tupacs right there Julian Tupac Qatari oh oh wait there's Diego Cristobal Tupac Amaru how about uh that must be Tupac one Hippolyto

Speaker 1 Tupac

Speaker 2 what Hippolito Tupac there's another Tupac Amaru

Speaker 1 Cecilia Tupac Amaru That was the old statue. No, maybe Cecilia.
I don't know. I really like that you've done your research on this.

Speaker 1 I think it brings an authenticity to the show that you're not going to get anywhere else.

Speaker 1 Anyway, guys, please subscribe wherever you're watching or listening. Oh, I forgot to zoom out.

Speaker 1 Please subscribe wherever you're watching or listening.

Speaker 1 And go to the Instagram account

Speaker 1 at UbiTrippin' Pod.

Speaker 1 Go ahead and get it to merch. Or maybe we should stick a sticker up there.

Speaker 1 On the statue? Yeah. It could be uh

Speaker 1 yeah probably quite disrespectful i'm gonna put up a sticker um get your stickers put them up in foreign crazy places you guys um wherever you are or or or whatever um

Speaker 1 rep you be tripping

Speaker 1 are you gonna put it on the statue

Speaker 1 i don't know hold on because there's a police officer there and i want to film that's you i want to film you getting arrested um

Speaker 1 hold on let me get a wide angle here where's a cop

Speaker 1 Oh, there was one standing right. Oh,

Speaker 1 there's some over there.

Speaker 1 Anyway,

Speaker 1 subscribe every watch and listening. And what was it going to say? And if you put up a sticker somewhere, please tag the Ubi Trippin' Pod Instagram account

Speaker 1 with like a wide and a tight. And honestly, if you find one of the ones that I put up in the wild,

Speaker 1 I will give you two free tickets. If you're the first one to find it, to any show that I tour in 2027.
What's the coolest place someone's put a sticker?

Speaker 1 So far I've been gone so I haven't seen what they've done. I put up one on the tallest Mayan ruin

Speaker 2 at the top on some scaffolding at the top of the tallest Mayan ruin in

Speaker 2 the Mayan area.

Speaker 1 I'll definitely got to put one on Machu Picchu. Oh my, yeah.
Somewhere in Machu Picchu. Do you know what? What is on a sign out there?

Speaker 2 When we

Speaker 1 like like stickers somewhere, I'll just add it. When we used to do boner city, we had stickers.
We had a lot of military guys. So they would put boner city stickers on missiles

Speaker 2 on jets. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which you think, how crazy is that? Boner City stickers on the city. Where the guy, the last thing people keep coming at them is Boner City U.S.
Let's now get out of here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a good idea.

Speaker 1 Yes, they go wide and they're tight.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 1 The ultimate disrespect of a hero. Hey, drive off the Spanish.
What are you going to do? I can't drive off the Americans. No one drives off the Americans.
We just colonized with stickers.

Speaker 1 All right, guys, that's it. Next week, Danny Brown comes on the podcast to talk about Barcelona and just music festivals in general.
He's got a new album out.

Speaker 1 It's out, I think, right now, actually, that you could all check out because it's a fucking killer.

Speaker 2 It's so fucking good.

Speaker 1 And if you like this episode, I'll be on two more upcoming episodes. You got two more.
Yeah, one on Cambodia and one on the bus tour. Bus tour with Column again and Renaissance.
Steve Renee.

Speaker 1 Guys, when you do it up on Buckfast. Yeah, it was, I don't even know what to make of that one, but you told me to listen to it to cut out all of the stuff.

Speaker 1 Okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Bye, guys.

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Rated T for Team.