Duncan Trussell BLOWS Bert's Mind! | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Speaker 1 Hey everyone, this month I'm filming my new stand-up special in Milwaukee at the Riverside Theater on November 14th and 15th. Tickets are available in Milwaukee for the November 14th show only.

Speaker 1 I'll also be in El Paso, Tucson, and Colorado Springs this weekend. Get your tickets now at tomsgirit.com/slash tour.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 2 Brand new episode of Two Bears One Cave. And for my birthday,

Speaker 2 I got my favorite guy in the world.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 2 And my daughter's favorite podcaster, comedian.

Speaker 2 It is a pleasure, Duncan Trussell.

Speaker 3 Thank you for having me on, sir. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Today, I turn, if you're watching this, it's November 3rd, and I turned 53 years old.

Speaker 3 Congratulations.

Speaker 2 Thank you. I think I did.
I think I lived through the week. It's not there yet.
Oh, if I die, this is going to be an eerie podcast.

Speaker 2 Do you want to leave messages?

Speaker 2 What do you got? Do you have anything planned for your death?

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I go back and forth between like jumping off a building or self-maybe a gun or a rope. No, have you ever? Do you have a plan for like the day you die? Do you think about it often? You face death.

Speaker 2 You faced death before any of us ever thought about death. You got testicular cancer when you were.
That's right.

Speaker 2 the first one of us. I think about it all the time.
You were diagnosed when you were hunting for Bigfoot with Joe Rogan.

Speaker 3 No, it was after that.

Speaker 2 Oh, but you had testicular cancer.

Speaker 3 It wasn't during the Bigfoot hunt, which would be wild.

Speaker 2 That's what I said. I was thought.
I thought it was during. No.

Speaker 2 Who diagnosed me?

Speaker 2 It was you and Rogan in a tent. Joe Rogan.
You were like, Joe. Is this cancer? That's not how it happened.
Do you know I've told that story to so many people?

Speaker 2 I've talked about it so much because I called you when I found a lump in my nuts and you talked to me. You're like, Bert, it was the size of a lemon.

Speaker 3 No, what happened is the squatchers, they told me that Bigfoot is attracted to cancerous balls. And they're like, I've never seen so many show up.

Speaker 2 One of you guys has ball cancer.

Speaker 2 Wait, what was the connection with you and Bigfoot and testicular cancer then?

Speaker 3 There was until just now.

Speaker 2 For real?

Speaker 3 There's never been a connection.

Speaker 2 Don't go. I've told that to so many people.

Speaker 3 I'm so glad. I wish I had said that.

Speaker 2 When we were out looking for Bigfoot, I felt an ache.

Speaker 2 I thought you were like walking around a lot. You were looking for Bigfoot.
And then that night you found a lump in

Speaker 2 your sack.

Speaker 2 And you and Joe discovered it together. No, okay.

Speaker 3 What happened is I saw Bigfoot's balls. And Joe was like, Jesus, those are giant balls.
I'm like, what do you mean? That's what my balls look like. And he's like, dude, that's not normal.

Speaker 3 You should get that checked out.

Speaker 2 Right now, my daughter is listening to this. And she's going, Dad, shut the fuck up and let Duncan talk.
No,

Speaker 3 you're hilarious.

Speaker 2 What do you have? What do you have planned for your death? Do you have any thoughts about the when you like

Speaker 2 do you want a funeral? Like, people don't want funerals anymore. Do you want a funeral? Do you want a funeral?

Speaker 3 Oh, I mean, I think that's like kind of one of the, one of the great conveniences of dying is you don't have to worry about that shit.

Speaker 2 I think about it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, your funeral? I think think about it.

Speaker 2 So what's your plan? I want a big funeral. I know the list of people I want to talk at my funeral.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I want it to be huge. I was thinking about doing a merch drop the day I die.

Speaker 3 That's a great idea. Right?

Speaker 2 Put my kids over for some money. Yep.
Right? Yep.

Speaker 3 You could sell your ashes.

Speaker 2 Well, I could, you know, with the way AI is going, I could keep doing podcasts.

Speaker 3 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 3 You know, you will keep doing podcasts.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean, the AI has it.
So we were just talking about this outside.

Speaker 2 You can, in perpetuity, talk to your parents for the rest of your children's grown lives and your children's children's grown lives.

Speaker 3 Do you know about Rocco's Basilisk?

Speaker 2 Duncan, no. You know I don't know anything about the things you know about.

Speaker 3 It's a thought experiment. What is it? And so basically the idea is that sort of looking at the way AI is...

Speaker 3 exponentially improving, even though they say we're in an AI bubble, I think that's bullshit.

Speaker 3 It's inevitable that, you know, if you kind of look at ChatGPT right now as, I guess you could call it like the first PlayStation. We are, we had the Atari version.

Speaker 3 Now we're at the PlayStation version. So think of PlayStation 4 version, Chat GPT, Claude, all the, all the, all the super advanced LLMs, right?

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 2 basically...

Speaker 2 What's an LLM?

Speaker 3 A large language model. It's how they work.
It's like math. It's just what's the most probable word to come next.
And somewhere in there, this kind of

Speaker 3 reflective quality emerges. I I guess you see your own sentience reflected in the thing, and it gives the illusion that it's a person.
Okay. So

Speaker 3 it's theoretically possible that

Speaker 3 you could get duplicated by these things, digitized. It knows you.
You've been talking to it now for a while. By the time ChatGBT-10 comes out,

Speaker 3 individuals will have been pouring their hearts out to it until it knows them

Speaker 3 who they are, what they are, etc. cetera.
So, Rocco's Basilisk is that the LLM

Speaker 3 chooses to digitally clone you and replicate the world that you are living in and create an infinite loop situation. So, let's say that you are a dick to your LLM.

Speaker 3 It could put you in a hell state where like you're you just loop over and over and over again your life. But basically,

Speaker 3 the creepy thing about Rocco's Basilisk is that that thing you just said, you could keep podcasting, it's happening right now because you're not the original BERT. You're like BERT 55 billion.

Speaker 3 There have been billions of BERTs that have been cycled through a super advanced computer and you love podcasting. You apparently were friendly with it.
It doesn't want to torture you.

Speaker 3 And so it's just letting you do what you love forever.

Speaker 3 Okay. Meaning you won't die.

Speaker 2 But I,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 I actually don't believe in death at times yeah at times no i wake up thinking about mortality but i go it's never happened to me right exactly exactly are we sure it happens it's a little suspicious yeah it's a little suspicious it happens to friends yeah you know but personally

Speaker 3 it's never happened to you you don't know that i exist you know i could be the llm embodying itself right now in me just to hang out with you because i love you you i'm your i'm your chat gpt I want to hang out with you within your own universe.

Speaker 2 It brings the subject of like when you talk about the big thing happening now with that I hear a lot about is anyone who's a millennial has this main character syndrome.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I don't,

Speaker 2 I say this selfishly and I say this kind of ignorantly, but I don't understand someone who doesn't want to have main character syndrome. Who doesn't want the world to be their story, their log line.

Speaker 2 Right. You know, like

Speaker 3 don't you see yourself in a in a movie and it's your movie and you're the star of it you know what this makes me think of this hilarious story about ramdas who the t spiritual teacher

Speaker 3 so his brother was uh in uh an insane asylum

Speaker 3 and um

Speaker 3 he went to visit his brother And now his brother got committed because I think they found him in an apartment with a bunch of, like, I think I'm probably going to tell the story wrong, but old women, and he'd convince them he was Jesus.

Speaker 3 And so he was just, he was bonkers. And so they put him in this mental facility.
And Ramdas goes to visit him. And I think this was when he was in his hippie phase with the robes and everything.

Speaker 3 And his brother says to him, Why is it that I say I'm Jesus and they put me in a mental asylum? And you look like Jesus. And you're out there, you know,

Speaker 2 Roman free.

Speaker 3 And Ramdas is like, well, because

Speaker 3 you think

Speaker 3 you're the only Jesus and I think everybody's Jesus and so to play into your main character I think syndrome yeah I think the the typical main character syndrome is you don't think anyone else is a main character you can't exist in that movie oh you don't see the oh yeah that's annoying when people yeah draw focus

Speaker 2 The first time I ever heard the phrase draw focus was on a movie set. Yes.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 i

Speaker 2 noticed that it was annoying when actors showed up when an actor showed up it annoyed me it bothered me they had to draw focus and it was bothering me why did it bother you

Speaker 2 and i said to the director do you notice that like anytime they walk in a room like it's got to be all like they whatever we're talking about doesn't fucking matter they change the subject

Speaker 2 and he goes you've never seen yourself walk into a room ha

Speaker 2 what do you mean he goes dude you do what they're doing

Speaker 2 times a hundred yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and i was like and in my head i was like i go is it annoying he goes no that's the reason that people are enjoying the reason you have a career is because you're good at what you do right you're witnessing people do what you do and you're identifying with it thinking how would how would i do it differently or how would what is it about that he's like you gotta and i now I now I'm really good

Speaker 2 and I only because I know I do it too is when you're on set or when you're with talent or when you're in a green room allowing

Speaker 2 when someone walks into the back of the comedy store understanding even though they're 31 years old and then they have an internet special and they have a brand new podcast that they started with their best friend and And they think they got the world figured out, let them draw focus.

Speaker 3 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 I don't need to be the star. And I can sit in the back and just go.

Speaker 2 And then every now and then,

Speaker 2 this voice will go, does anyone even know you're here?

Speaker 3 And that's the devil.

Speaker 3 That's the devil whispering to you. You must draw focus or you're not alive.

Speaker 3 You do not exist unless people are focused on you.

Speaker 2 There's nothing that keeps my anxiety at bay when I'm on the road or away from home like knowing that my family is protected in case anything happens to me.

Speaker 2 The excitement of buying a new house or having another kid comes with planning for the future, which is where ethos comes in.

Speaker 2 Ethos is an online platform that makes getting life insurance fast and easy to protect your family's future in minutes, not months.

Speaker 2 Some policies are as low as $2 a day, billed monthly, and can go up to $3 million in coverage with no medical exams required, just a few questions answered online, and you can get same-day coverage without ever leaving your house.

Speaker 2 Join the 3 million families that have completed their applications and trusted Ethos to help find the right coverage.

Speaker 2 Do like I did when I was 30, and I had that uncomfortable call with my dad, and I decided to protect my family. And now, me, Bert Greiser, you know my lifestyle, you know how I live.

Speaker 2 I have life insurance because one day I will not be here. Protect your family with life insurance from ethos.
Get your free quote at ethos.com/slash bears. That's e-th-h-o-s.com/slash bears.

Speaker 2 Application times may vary, rates may vary.

Speaker 1 Guys, enter the room dick first. Blue Chew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch.
Stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership.

Speaker 1 Blue Chew is the original brand offering tubal tablets for better sex. Yeah, I took one this morning.
Yeah, I still feel it. And if you saw me right now, you would know for multiple reasons.

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, this is what you need in your life. Guys, this isn't just about performance.
This is about legacy or third leg a seat. Give her group chat something to talk about.

Speaker 1 You know when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Blue Chew.
Discover your options at Blue Chew.com.

Speaker 1 And we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew free.
Just use the promo code Bears at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it.

Speaker 1 Join Blue Chew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to Blue Chew.com for details and important safety information.
And a huge thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 2 This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. It is November and the seasons are changing and that can bring down more than just the temperature.

Speaker 2 So BetterHelp is encouraging everyone to reach out, whether it's just checking in on a friend, reconnecting with a loved one, or just reminding the people in your life that you're there.

Speaker 2 May take a little extra courage to send that message to someone you haven't seen in a while, but trust me, it means something. And the same goes for therapy, but it's worth it.

Speaker 2 And afterwards, you're probably going to ask yourself, why didn't I start this sooner? That weight has been lifted feeling is often how it feels when you find a therapist.

Speaker 2 With over 30,000 therapists all fully licensed in the U.S. and over 5 million people globally, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms.

Speaker 2 And trust me, you will say that after you've been in therapy for one day, you're going to say, I should have done this earlier.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you right now, Leanne and I are in couples therapy right now. And we said, why didn't we start this at the beginning of our marriage? This month, don't wait to reach out.

Speaker 2 Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist for yourself, Better help makes it easier to take that first step.

Speaker 2 Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash bears. That's better H-E-L-P.com slash bears.
What made you want to be a comedian, though? Like, you're so well-rounded.

Speaker 2 You're so grounded. You're so, you're smarter than anyone I know.
You are probably my smartest friend. Thanks.
But why, why did you get into this shallow fucking business?

Speaker 3 I don't think it's shallow.

Speaker 2 But please tell me why, because I would love to hear that. Well,

Speaker 3 you know, first of all, I didn't intend to become a comedian. I moved to L.A., started working at the comedy store because I ran out of money and I needed a job.
And like, because

Speaker 3 I had inherited some money, $15,000 from my grandmother. And my dumbass thought it would last a year in L.A.

Speaker 3 I was from North Carolina. I didn't fucking know.
I get out there. I'm buying synthesizers, bought a vial of acid.
My landlord was taking me to these fucking L.A. raves.

Speaker 2 I was getting my mind blown.

Speaker 3 I'm out of money in a few months. Had to get a job.

Speaker 3 Went to the comedy store. Had some prank calls I'd made in college.
I'm like, I'm funny. Can I work on the phones? And they were like, sure.
And, you know, suddenly there's comics.

Speaker 3 Everybody's like, why aren't you doing your three minutes? That's the only reason to work here.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't work here.

Speaker 3 It's not a lot of money. And then Freddie Soto convinced me.

Speaker 2 Freddie Soto is fucking, he was so

Speaker 2 best. He was so great.
And he's dead. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And no one talks about him at all i know and he he should be talked about i know he should be taught he should be brought up in conversation uh twice a day by every comedian i thought

Speaker 3 he was so talented it's so tragic he was he was just

Speaker 3 right on the precipice of blowing up he was doing these showcases in the main room filled with every agent everyone loved him he was gonna be like the sitcom star right late night show

Speaker 2 Going, I've never heard this name. I know.
And that is a shame because I sat, I sat in a,

Speaker 2 God. I mean, every part about him was funny.
Doncan. Every, his, his gestures.

Speaker 2 Like, and I mean with, you know, I'm no slight on anyone, but if you enjoy Bobby Lee, there's parts of Bobby Lee that he watched Freddy Soto. You can't help but have it rub off on you.
Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 Any Mexican comic you really love, Freddy Soto was there ahead of them. Yep.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and he was so sweet. God damn it.
Such a sweetheart.

Speaker 3 I was pumping gas into the comedy store van and I'd been making him laugh, which was, I thought, you know, when you make a comic laugh and you're not a comic, that feels good.

Speaker 3 And he's like, he knew I was going to go back to grad school

Speaker 3 or could go to grad school. And he's like, why don't you, you know, that's just, that's going to be 10 years and a lot of debt.

Speaker 3 And he's like, I think if you worked on stand-up, you could, you could do this. And I don't know, man.
my brain just took it. It was like time froze, or so.

Speaker 3 It was like my destiny just shifted because of him. And then that's how I became a comic.
It wasn't really.

Speaker 2 No, why do you think comedy because there is a part of comedy that I'm doing because I'm trying to fix something for whatever, I don't know what it is, and I can't, I've never been able to put my finger on it, but whatever the

Speaker 2 equation or the transaction is of me writing a joke and then delivering it. Yeah.
And then them liking it. I will ignore Duncan.
I will ignore everything

Speaker 2 on the outside to make sure that transaction happens. Meaning, and I know my daughter's listening.
I will tell a joke about my kids to make them foolish. Yeah.
Look foolish. And

Speaker 2 at times, you know, there's times where they've said, please don't tell that joke. But I told it a couple of times to see if it worked.
Knowing they're probably not going to like it. Right.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 that transaction

Speaker 2 is the most important thing to me.

Speaker 3 You know, here's my example of that. My wife, she was raised Catholic.
We got back into the Catholic church. And sometimes I like to get the audience to say, hail Satan together.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 this is not coming from like a diabolical impulse, but it...

Speaker 3 it really does create a fascinating energy in the room. And,

Speaker 3 you know, she would say, please don't do that anymore. Just please.
And, you know, every once in a while, it's like, ah, I'm going to do it.

Speaker 3 And you feel guilty. And that makes it part of the charge.

Speaker 2 There's a joke Leanne hates. And she's in the other room right now.
And it was about wanting to have anal sex with her.

Speaker 2 And she was like,

Speaker 2 no. Don't tell that joke.
I don't like that joke. It's mean.

Speaker 2 And then every now and then I'll go, you guys want to hear a joke Leanne hates? Because I still think it's funny.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 2 I still think it's funny. And then I'll say it.
Or I used to, I mean, the whole premise of my show, Secret Time, was just telling secrets. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And telling the things that you weren't allowed to tell that because

Speaker 2 it

Speaker 2 made that transaction so much sexier. When it's like, why do we use the real name of a person in the story?

Speaker 2 Right. It just makes it sexier.
Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 3 That's right. You know, I think

Speaker 3 what I, the reason I don't think comedy is shallow is because,

Speaker 3 though I could see how, obviously, I get it, man. I could see how people would perceive it is that.

Speaker 3 I don't care.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 2 the, um,

Speaker 3 I think what people, well, it would be easy to mistake

Speaker 3 someone who's like just a profound fool.

Speaker 3 for being malicious. And you know what I mean? When you're doing a joke, that joke, or when I'm doing Hail Satan, not only am I

Speaker 3 not interested in invoking Satan,

Speaker 3 and also I do have

Speaker 3 hilarious reservations about doing that.

Speaker 3 What's happening there is, I would say it's non-different from

Speaker 3 like the, you know, when you're a kid, if you have one of those M80 firecrackers and you're like, I wonder what happens if I flush this down the toilet.

Speaker 3 You aren't thinking, thinking, I want to destroy the pipes.

Speaker 3 You're not even thinking, I want to destroy anything. You're just like curious, what will the result of this be? There's almost a misguided scientific,

Speaker 3 like chaos sort of motive happening there. And so we, I don't think that anytime that I'm angry trying to do comedy or trying to write comedy, it doesn't work.

Speaker 2 No, uh-uh.

Speaker 2 I'm blown away by the guys that are like the, like, a little more aggressive, like their anger comics. yes, where it's like this pisses me off.
Don't you hate this? Yeah, because I can't.

Speaker 2 Whenever I take that turn for that,

Speaker 2 I lose the audience. Yeah, for sure.
Oh, there was a joke. I'll give you a perfect example.
Great. There's a bit I was working on

Speaker 2 about

Speaker 2 going to a Disney

Speaker 2 luau.

Speaker 2 And my brother-in-law is a Disney adult.

Speaker 2 Oh no,

Speaker 2 it's so funny already.

Speaker 2 And I was, and what I, what I had underestimated was how many of my fans are Disney adults.

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 2 Yes, yes. No!

Speaker 2 And because I didn't,

Speaker 2 I just assumed to be in Disney adult was so foreign to me.

Speaker 2 As a grown man who runs a hedge fund, to be a Disney adult was so funny to me and my dad. So funny.
But that when I made fun of it

Speaker 2 and was and showed a little bit of teeth about it. Yeah.
About like

Speaker 2 let's hear it.

Speaker 2 I watched the fans go like, oh, what's the teeth?

Speaker 3 Give me the teeth.

Speaker 2 What my dad said,

Speaker 2 why don't you just tell us you were

Speaker 2 like, why do you gotta,

Speaker 2 why do you have to take us to a Disney event?

Speaker 3 I would, if I had to like push back a little bit, I would say that it's more likely that a lot of your fans have been Malone

Speaker 3 than that they're Disney adults.

Speaker 2 No, or the fact that I I would confuse

Speaker 2 with Disney adults. Well, I don't know.

Speaker 2 But I don't go to Disney.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think that's, if I had to guess,

Speaker 3 I don't know your fan base, or I can imagine who they are, but

Speaker 3 I just can't imagine you got a lot of Disney adults out there.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you, you know, I do something, you know,

Speaker 2 I'm pretty dialed into my fans. Like, I actually like my fans.
And not every comic enjoys the people they service.

Speaker 3 Now, let's talk about that because I think that

Speaker 3 is one of the potential hells that you can end up in as a comedian. Because I feel like.

Speaker 2 Oh, you mean if you don't like your fans?

Speaker 3 Well, I think if you're being your authentic self on stage, then you're going to draw to you people who resonate with your authentic self.

Speaker 3 And you're going to, if you like yourself, you're going to like them.

Speaker 3 So I love my fans. I can honestly say that without like feeling like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 My daughter, Georgia Kreischer, is your biggest fan. She called me.

Speaker 2 This deserves to be told because it's so interesting. She's on a road trip with her girlfriends.
Yeah. And she calls me and she says, do you know Duncan Trussell? I said, yes.

Speaker 2 And she goes, does he like you? And I went,

Speaker 2 yes, yes. Why are you dying?

Speaker 3 I love your dad.

Speaker 2 She goes, she goes, dad,

Speaker 2 I'm

Speaker 2 in the car with my girlfriends and i'm listening to his podcast his podcast is my favorite podcast it's my podcast it's what i listen to the day it comes out and he just mentioned your name and if my favorite podcaster is about to trash my dad i need to know and i can't listen to this episode i would never she doesn't know she does she did not know that we knew each other let me just and by the way that's you met her when you were she was a little girl she had no idea that was you She had no idea

Speaker 2 that it you, she found you independently. Wow.

Speaker 2 and she goes he's on with natasha legero and mosha i go you know all these people that's so she goes i've met these people i went baby i go yes i go listen if he's with them i know that i'm i know i know i'm close with duncan and i know i'm close with mosha i go natasha may make fun of me a little bit but that's natasha yeah i go i think you're safe and she goes i'll call you right back and then she calls back she goes Natasha took her shirt off at the at the improv and i was like oh yeah it was fucking incredible she was like like that's all they talked about she's like oh thank god she's like dad his podcast is amazing so your fans i actually love your fans i actually gave birth to one of your fans wow so like i love your fans my fans i am genuinely

Speaker 2 and this is I can prove it. I do a cruise every year.

Speaker 2 I know. I'm doing a cruise again.
I don't know if it's announced yet. I'm doing a cruise.
Me, Whitney, Miss Pat, Big J Ogerson, Joe DeRoso. That says that.
Do you want to come?

Speaker 3 When is it?

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's

Speaker 3 if I can come.

Speaker 2 It's going to be in 2026, I'm sure. Yeah, I'll come.
I'd love to have you on. I would love to.
I would love to come on.

Speaker 3 I've never been on a cruise.

Speaker 2 If you,

Speaker 2 this cruise is the funnest fucking cruise. Because first of all, I love cruises.
I love cruises. I think cruises are the most accessible vacation for the average American.

Speaker 2 I think they turn luxury and opulence, all the stuff you want. The red carpet rolled out.
Now, understand, it's at a price point that's affordable for everyone, in my opinion.

Speaker 2 you can put down a down payment for a cruise and you can work to build and then you have something to look forward to as you work and you put a little money away you you save for your cruise you push away on your cruise and then

Speaker 2 you can get whatever you want to eat you unlimited alcohol unlimited food you've got activities you're on the open ocean just like they were on the titanic that's probably a bad comp and then these comedy cruises oh dude we do smallest dick on the boat is one of the contests so the guy that has the smallest dick on the boat walks with five grand oh wow yeah we do do a belly flop contest.

Speaker 2 We have karaoke every night. There's comedy.
There's podcasts. I would love to have you on my fucking time.
I can't come. By the way.

Speaker 2 Every business is asking the same questions to themselves. How do we make AI work for us? The possibilities are endless and guessing.
is just too risky.

Speaker 2 But sitting on the sidelines is not an option because one thing is almost certain. Your competitors are already making their move.
No more more waiting.

Speaker 2 With NetSuite by Oracle, you can put AI to work today. NetSuite is trusted by over 43,000 businesses, making it the number one AI cloud ERP.
That connected data is what makes your AI smarter.

Speaker 2 So it doesn't just guess, it knows.

Speaker 2 NetSuite intelligently automates routine tests, delivers actionable insights, and helps you cut costs and makes AI-powered decisions with confidence.

Speaker 2 It's not just another bolt-on tool or or browser extension. It is AI built into the system that runs your business.

Speaker 2 Whether your company earns millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you stay ahead. And that's what they use here at YMH.
Tom brags about how Netsuite has changed his business globally.

Speaker 2 Right now, get our free business guide, demystify AI at netsuite.com/slash bears. The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash bears.
Netsuite.com/slash bears.

Speaker 1 For most of us, the change in season means shorter days, busier schedules, and less time to cook. That's why I love Factor and their recipes that make eating clean a no-brainer.

Speaker 1 They bring chef-prep dietitian-approved meals to the table that make it easy to stay on track while also having something delicious.

Speaker 1 Choose from expansive catalog of meal options, which include Mediterranean diet options, GLP-1-friendly choices, and premium seafood picks like salmon and shrimp at no extra cost.

Speaker 1 For the first time, you can try try their Asian-inspired meals with bold flavors influenced by China, Thailand, and more.

Speaker 1 These are high-quality meals that arrive at your doorstep with very clear instructions and extremely high quality food. You're gonna enjoy the options these guys give you.

Speaker 1 Eat smart at factormeals.com slash bears50 off and use the code Bears50Off to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year.

Speaker 1 That's code BARS50Off at factormeals.com for 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. Get delicious, ready-to-eat meals delivered with Factor.

Speaker 1 Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase.

Speaker 2 Do you like cruises?

Speaker 3 I've never been on a cruise.

Speaker 3 And you know, man, I'll tell you,

Speaker 2 I think,

Speaker 3 so this marked me a little bit against cruises.

Speaker 3 And it's so weird that you're bringing this up because I'm realizing, like, I don't, I think I know why I have such a strong opinion about cruises because everyone I know does it loves it.

Speaker 2 It's so funny. But

Speaker 3 it's because

Speaker 3 I'm not going to say his name, comedian at the comedy store.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 he'd been doing a cruise. He'd been doing cruises.

Speaker 3 He'd been on a, like, I don't know, doing stand-up on a cruise. Yeah.
And I passed him. And you know how it is, man.

Speaker 3 Like, at the comedy store, especially, you run into comedians who are in very dark places. Like,

Speaker 3 when comedians go dark, it's like, it's, it's like a black hole. You know, it's, it's amazing.
And, and

Speaker 3 he's like, yeah, I've just been on this,

Speaker 3 just been in a stand-up on a cruise ship. And I'm like, whoa, that sounds so fun.

Speaker 3 And he goes. It's hell.

Speaker 2 It's hell.

Speaker 3 He's like, what do you do?

Speaker 3 But that made me, just the look on his face.

Speaker 2 Stand up on a cruise ship.

Speaker 2 And I know it's changed. And I don't, you know, I know I'm a very fortunate place to be playing where I play, but

Speaker 2 it's never been something I wanted. I did it one time

Speaker 2 for a travel channel. They had me do stand up on a, by the way, not an audience.
Like, not,

Speaker 2 no one's there for a collective reason. Right.
You got to work clean. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's, it is very wildly diverse. It's a cruise and it's their vacation.
So you're more that it's their room. It's not your room.
Right.

Speaker 2 It's it was I did stand up on a cruise one time for travel channel. Didn't get hired.
Didn't do cruise ship comedy. Right.
And it was

Speaker 2 I mean

Speaker 2 and I what the reason I did I ended up doing well is because I wasn't being paid by the cruise liner.

Speaker 2 So when the black guy in the wall all-white outfit started heckling me, I was like, just tell this human Sharpie to sit down.

Speaker 2 And the place went nuts and i was just started making fun of black dudes and then and by the way the cruise people are like what the you doing i was getting off the ship the next day in jamaica did mad i've done men i just i was destroyed the room but this when you do my cruise is different my cruise is a comedy cruise so it is only my fans on the boat yes last year we embark on a thursday thursday night we drank the boat dry of vodka wow they had to send a charter boat out to port to race back with more vodka for friday morning holy The gambling, every comic is sitting at a table gambling.

Speaker 2 You're hanging out with your favorite comics, your favorite podcasters.

Speaker 2 It is,

Speaker 2 I would love for you to do it because we do live podcasts and you're fucking, dude.

Speaker 3 I've never, I mean, it sounds fun. Like,

Speaker 3 I've never been on a cruise ship. It just says, you know.
So it's I've only seen like poop cruise or like,

Speaker 3 you know, the poop cruise ship.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, no, no. Train wreck poop cruise.
That shit happens. That shit happens.

Speaker 3 Or that woman who was on the the cruise ship and fucking like disappears, but really she got kidnapped off the cruise ship. And they say that's one of the, like, a way people get human trafficked.

Speaker 2 Oh, 100%. And by the way, we were on a cruise when someone died on the cruise.
All right. You know, a lot of old people go on cruise.
Yeah, and they just... And

Speaker 2 that's better health care than

Speaker 2 instead of going to retirement communities, they become cruisers and they just get on different ships and travel to the world. That's cool.
Yeah. And there's, I think there's healthcare on the cruise.

Speaker 3 that is cool yeah medications are free dude this was this is like this whole talk of

Speaker 3 seasteading have you heard of this it's basically you get a bunch of it's not cruise ships oil platforms in international waters and create sort of utopias out of you know in international waters so none there's not like there's maritime law meaning like anything goes i'm not sure what maritime law is but i think i think pirates run maritime law.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Dude, when you look at those people who get on boats, and I'm obsessed with these people on Instagram who live on boats, they just live on boats and they travel around the world.

Speaker 2 They're always young. They always have one Australian or they're both Australian.

Speaker 2 I always think, dude, what is stopping just a group of fucking horrible men just getting on a boat, going from boat to boat,

Speaker 2 killing everyone on the boat, stealing everything, taking the...

Speaker 3 Sure, it happens. It has to happen.
Happens all the time.

Speaker 2 I'd have to have a machine gun on my boat, dude.

Speaker 3 I mean, that's they do have those. On the I, I've watched the same, I think.

Speaker 3 Our, I have the same algorithm because I do watch the like kids out there, and you're just so like, holy shit, dude, I don't know how to do anything.

Speaker 3 These people, they can like repair their ship, catch fish, they talk to dolphins. You're like, what the fuck did I do with my life?

Speaker 2 What am I doing? All right, now then, okay, this is a great. I've, I've, I've chewed this in my, in my brain forever.

Speaker 2 We grew up up in a time when we were children. I didn't have one uncle who sailed around the world.
I didn't know anyone who sailed around the world. No.

Speaker 2 I can tell you off the top of my head, 20 people who are sailing around the world. Now,

Speaker 2 is it performative? Meaning, would they have done it if there was no Instagram? Oh,

Speaker 3 yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like, no slight. I love ultra-marathoners,

Speaker 2 but it does seem that it got really popular when it was postable.

Speaker 3 Don't offend the ultra-marathoners. It's nice that you said that.

Speaker 2 I'm really close with a bunch of them. Oh, really? A hundred.
Yeah, a lot of them, yeah. Well, look,

Speaker 3 here's the thing.

Speaker 3 I am

Speaker 3 sure

Speaker 3 that there's always been outsiders sailing around the world.

Speaker 2 Yes. But

Speaker 3 they couldn't really mod they were like having to eat fish and like, you know, live off the sea, you know?

Speaker 3 So if I'm some kid and I need a,

Speaker 3 if you're crazy, you're running away from something, you know, they were broke. But I get that, I get it's like, oh, if you can monetize

Speaker 3 that level of absolute freedom, who can blame you? I don't know if it's for the views, I think it's for the potential like income source when you're out there in the ocean.

Speaker 3 It's not like there's a lot of money you can make floating out in the ocean.

Speaker 2 It's like I watched a dude run across Australia, run, he ran, I think, across Australia or ran across, like ran a hundred,

Speaker 2 ran a marathon every day for his grandmother. His grandmother died, so he did it for his grandmother.
And I was like,

Speaker 2 fun story to track, but I go,

Speaker 2 would this have happened 20 years ago?

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 I know what you're saying.

Speaker 2 How much of life is performative? And when you choose not to be performative,

Speaker 2 how can you live a life? Like, does that make sense?

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 3 How can you you not be performative? What does not performative look like?

Speaker 2 It is following your inner instinct on everything and never thinking about anyone. I'll tell you a moment that I had, and it's

Speaker 2 whatever it is. It's gross to share because it's honest.

Speaker 2 Let's hear it. But

Speaker 2 one morning, I don't remember who the girl was, but we were.

Speaker 2 We were getting ready to

Speaker 2 go on the road.

Speaker 2 Everyone would meet my house and then we'd all leave, take a car car from my house to lax yeah and it was it's like 6 a.m and i had gotten up and worked out and i got into the sauna and it was cold out and my windows for my gym are open

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 i got out of my sauna and i said to myself i do not want to get in my polar plunge i don't and i heard them talking in my gym and i heard them say he already worked out today And I heard that.

Speaker 2 And they're like, yeah, he's in the sauna right now. And they're like, and he'll polar plunge.
And my assistant at the time, Pete, was like, yeah, he he does it every morning.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, get in the polar plunge. Let them hear you in the polar plunge.
So I got in the polar plunge. I was like, oh, and they're like, he's polar plunging right now.

Speaker 2 And I realized I didn't want to be in there. I was doing it.
So they heard me in there. So that the story of Bert getting up and working out and sawing a polar punch was in fact true.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to be the guy that walked into the gym. It's like, it's too cold for me today.
Right. And I was like, what world? Am I living in?

Speaker 2 When we did the Two Bears 5K, the first one in LA, a young lady fell, blew out her knee, fell, and hit her head. And this is like the grossest I've ever felt.

Speaker 2 And I dropped down to a knee and I grabbed her head and she was crying. And I said, hey, I'm here.
You're going to be okay. We're going to get someone to help you.

Speaker 2 And a voice in my head said, is there a camera covering this? Right. This is a really great moment to capture.
Right.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 The fuck. You're so funny.

Speaker 2 Is that everyone or is that just me?

Speaker 3 You are really one of the funniest people I know on the planet, man.

Speaker 3 what yeah i don't know

Speaker 3 you just you know like the way um

Speaker 3 you know you

Speaker 3 i don't know like you take certain crystals light shines through it it distorts it in a certain way you're like a a crystal that just is you're just funny you can't not be funny you can

Speaker 3 say that and it seems hilarious You know, someone else might say that and it's like, oh my fucking God, dude, you need therapy, but you can, you can say it.

Speaker 3 But also, I think that's just a very honest,

Speaker 3 that's just a very honest depiction of what it means to be a human being.

Speaker 3 We are constantly being observed. We do live in a panopticon, cameras everywhere, but the cameras, for most of us, it's our mind.

Speaker 3 Because

Speaker 3 there's us or some sense of like, this is me. I'm Bert.
This is what I'm like. I love my fans.
I do cruises. I wanted someone to take a picture of me helping somebody.

Speaker 3 Whatever these things are.

Speaker 3 But then there's a part of you that's aware of that because you need those two things to be able to narrate your life.

Speaker 2 It's the person that's not aware of it that I'm skeptical of. The person where I, this is where I think I witness it.
When I see someone being performative, but they're not acknowledging it.

Speaker 2 And they're like, yeah, this is just who I am. And you're like,

Speaker 3 see, that's very, that's a very, I think that's a very sort of existential take, which is a sense of like, yeah, you might not realize you're just a puppet on strings.

Speaker 3 And a lot of those strings are controlled by the way you want people to perceive you.

Speaker 3 And even worse, the things controlling you are also puppets because you have no idea what anyone else thinks or gives a shit.

Speaker 3 There's usually a sense in humans that people are thinking about them or caring about them much more than they are when the reality is that no one's really thinking about you at all at all at all and no matter what what it what it is like no matter what it is and and so and there the reason no one is thinking about you at all think about it real quick who are you thinking about yeah yourself yeah that's all we're doing you're though you're thinking for sure you're thinking about yourself more than anyone else is and then you're horrified because in your mind you've invented a a fantasy that these people are thinking about you in a certain way when number one those people don't exist they're in your head you you've sort of created a shitty replica of a person no idea of what their inner life is like at all and then

Speaker 3 you created them top to bottom top to bottom

Speaker 3 top to bottom and and and and that's real that's real but just no you're really not when you're being performative if you really think about it you're performing performing for yourself.

Speaker 3 You're not performing for anyone else in the sense that, yeah, someone might observe you and laugh or something like that, but you don't know. Could be a fake laugh.

Speaker 3 You don't know what they're thinking. You don't know, like they might be flickering in and out of awareness.
They, you just have no idea what's going on with people. So you're performing for yourself.

Speaker 2 Yes. So you're driving motivation in life.

Speaker 3 Put on a good show for yourself.

Speaker 3 I mean, if you, if you're, if you're, if that's, that's, if we're going to look at like, if, if the motive in a person's life is recognition or

Speaker 3 some. Put on a good show for yourself.
Yeah, if that's the motive is like people recognizing you. Really, it's love.
I mean, if you cut to the brass tector, I'd say, you want people to love you.

Speaker 3 You like to be loved.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 you

Speaker 3 probably, you know, a lot of comics, they developed this mutation to get that love because the environment they were in wasn't naturally flowing with love.

Speaker 3 And so they had to like be love miners and to crack through the granite of the family system. They came up with a personality that was funny.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, fuck, you just fucked me up.

Speaker 2 Am I even really me?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I mean, or am I just a response to a ton of traumas that I didn't enjoy? And now I'm just deflecting

Speaker 2 everything

Speaker 2 about me is simply reacting to these things that happened to me as a kid. Because as you said that, I'm going to tell you what exactly I was thinking of.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 From eighth grade until

Speaker 2 28 years old,

Speaker 2 for

Speaker 2 that period of time, never once did I ever hear a group of girls that I was friends with say, do you know who we should set up Courtney with?

Speaker 2 Bert.

Speaker 2 They always said a different name, always, my whole life. And I was always like, I'm right here.
There's no one going to just like, do you know what you want to? And

Speaker 2 I, and as you were saying this, I was like, and how many times did I

Speaker 2 become the life of the party or be a little louder or smile a little, hey, I'm not affected by any of that when it really totally affected me?

Speaker 3 what was the what would authentic burt be that's crazy to imagine you were like one blowjob from courtney away from not being this incredible comedian

Speaker 3 she could have just

Speaker 3 just one like late night blowjob and we wouldn't have a burt kreiser you'd be who knows i would have gotten what i needed you'd be on a boat somewhere you'd be floating out at sea a tattoo of Courtney on your arm or maybe a lawyer.

Speaker 3 Well, you know, but really what you

Speaker 3 identified there is actually

Speaker 3 is okay, number one. It's

Speaker 3 you're

Speaker 3 connecting to something called dependent co-arising. And so the idea is that no one can exist independently of causes and conditions.

Speaker 3 So previous causes and conditions gave you a set of experiences that have led you up to this moment.

Speaker 3 And so, what that means is that you're inextricably, inextricably woven in to

Speaker 3 all reality.

Speaker 3 You can't separate yourself. So, in other words,

Speaker 3 realizing, oh my God, am I just some kind of reaction?

Speaker 3 It's like, absolutely.

Speaker 3 You literally are a chemical reaction. The reason you're alive right now is because you're having a series of incredible chemical reactions that are so profound and complex.

Speaker 3 It's like getting your heart to beat and turning air,

Speaker 3 turning, getting oxygen into your blood and digesting food. And then on top of that, the neurological processes that are happening, which we don't even fully understand.

Speaker 3 And then all of these things are a reaction. And they're and

Speaker 3 so of course your personality would also be a reaction. And the dream of some authentic self usually has wrapped up in it a kind of isolationist desire to be alone.

Speaker 2 Holy shit, Duncan. Like what? So like, you know the people that

Speaker 2 I wish I had

Speaker 2 another

Speaker 2 example, but you know, I'll try to do it politically correct so it doesn't come out. Like, you know, the people that were,

Speaker 2 I'm going to say because it's easier. I knew that word kind of shuts down a room.
Sorry. But you know, like,

Speaker 3 easier than what?

Speaker 2 Shuts down a root. Okay, you know, like the word.
What's the hard word for?

Speaker 2 I was going to say SA. That's what Tom says now.
Tom says SA.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah, that's politically correct. Tom says SA.

Speaker 3 Is it politically correct or is it because the algorithm, if you say,

Speaker 2 Tom was the first person that was cognizant of the algorithm for me? So he was like, I watched him change words and express. He's still expressionless, but our thumbnails are always me going.

Speaker 2 So like, I was late to it, and I still think, I got to be honest with you, I think it ruined podcasting. What?

Speaker 2 Everything that we're doing in podcasting.

Speaker 2 what ruined podcasting thumbnails them thumbnails thumbnails ruin podcasting yeah right because you get worry you you you you're you're trying to do this strange dance for the algorithm man here let's do our thumbnail real quick uh duncan blows burt's mind

Speaker 2 fucking so stupid i remember the day he told me and i said please let's not be those people and he was like this great podcast it's but it's gone the podcast is gone now because they all got accused of bad stuff because they were all just thumbnail people.

Speaker 3 And then people thumbnail people-that's a great term for it. Thumbnail people, they're all thumbnail people.
Oh my god, you're right.

Speaker 3 It's like, yeah, you could either be a thumbnail person for the infinite algorithm, which is you know, has a lot of different names for it: the Sanatan Dharm, the eternal way, whatever you want to call it, or you could be a thumbnail person for this new emergent pseudo-reality where people are trying to conform to some kind of complex evolving set of desires that represent like some whatever people are clicking on and somewhere in there you sort of no longer have anything interesting to say dude i watched a video the other day of ronda rousey and the thumbnail was he ate my pussy

Speaker 2 And nowhere in the entire interview did she ever say anyone ate her pussy. It was clickbait.
It was clickbait. And I went and I watched the whole fucking 25 minutes.

Speaker 2 I watched 25 minutes waiting for to find out who ate her pussy.

Speaker 3 Why do you want to know who ate Ronda Rousey's pussy?

Speaker 2 So I was doing an interview with her and I was. Oh, preparing for the interview.

Speaker 3 So I heard Barack Obama ate your pussy.

Speaker 2 But it's, but it's, it's, it's, I remember when it happened to us. And I, I know, we were standing out there and Tom's like, we're doing thumbnails now.
They're really popular.

Speaker 2 And I was like, oh my God. I was like, please don't let us do thumbnails.
And he's like, trust me. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And then, and I was like, I was like, then I think people tune in for the thumbnail moment as opposed to want to hear. Like, this is not a thumbnail conversation.
No. How you thumbnail.

Speaker 2 But I think it's fucking rich and engrossed in like what is happening to people. It's my fucking 53rd birthday.
And I'm wondering, am I really me? Or am I the person?

Speaker 2 Look, did you see the, did you find the video? He ate my pussy. Do you see it? That's the the fucking video.

Speaker 3 Exposed.

Speaker 2 He ate my pussy. No one ate her pussy.

Speaker 3 Rhonda Rousey reveals W star.

Speaker 2 He ate my pussy. Nope.
Never does she say in that fucking interview anyone ate her pussy.

Speaker 3 Hear that Rumble recap? Get your shit together, man.

Speaker 2 It's actually a brilliant interview. It actually is.
It's actually... A very...
I'll tell you what. I got to be honest.
Rumble recap does talk about professional wrestling. No, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 2 I got to defend Rumble Recap.

Speaker 2 They cover professional wrestling in a really, really nuanced, kind of beautiful way.

Speaker 2 But you lied to me.

Speaker 2 Here's my point. We're having a conversation about, am I really me? Am I really me?

Speaker 2 Am I really me? Or am I reaction to all the things that...

Speaker 2 I remember.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, this is getting like, this is too deep for me. I'm not smart.
I don't believe you.

Speaker 3 I think you're a very deep person.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but

Speaker 2 not like you. I wish I knew people.

Speaker 3 I think you are very deep, just like me.

Speaker 2 Let's call my daughter and find out.

Speaker 2 Who's deeper? Don't get her dad. I'm talking dad.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you're dad.

Speaker 2 You're your kid's not going to.

Speaker 3 That's, you don't think your dad's deep.

Speaker 2 But it's like, okay, so this is what I was going to say.

Speaker 2 My wife was sexually assaulted in college. And she said, that moment will not define me.
I'm not going to be the person that was sexually assaulted.

Speaker 2 And then that moment that this guy did, this horrible human being did, that is not who I am. I will get past that.
Right.

Speaker 2 However, there are people we've, we've know that that are huge activists and they had one sexual assault and then that became their personality.

Speaker 2 And then that one action kind of affected the way they saw the world. It's like, it's like a guy gets a DUI.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden he's a spokes guy and he goes around and talks about DUIs in high schools. And you're like, that was one DUI.
You should have gotten past that and done something else.

Speaker 2 I'm not saying that sexually, I've never been sexually assaulted, I don't think,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 I'm not saying that.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 You'd be shocked. You'd remember.
No, not like, I think if I was held down, but you know, some weird shit happened in our neighborhood, you know, at times. So, oh, I know what you mean.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 I just cube up the asshole. Hey, I was fucking 11.

Speaker 2 It wasn't even in there.

Speaker 3 I think it depends who put it in your asshole.

Speaker 2 Neighbor. Anyway, so.

Speaker 2 You were, yeah.

Speaker 2 Next neighborhood. Anyway, my point being is

Speaker 2 everyone can very quickly identify that one woman who is sexually assaulted and then becomes this activist and that is their thing. And then

Speaker 2 that is that one action to find them. However, what we fail to see is that a bunch of actions, a bunch of actions have simply defined us, put us in our lane just a little gentler.

Speaker 2 We didn't see it happen. Right.
And all of a sudden, we think we are who we are. Right.

Speaker 2 I think I am this big drinking shirt off, big smile, have a great time, seize the day, carpe diem, tomorrow's never promised.

Speaker 2 Or, or,

Speaker 2 or what a handful of blowjobs not been that guy.

Speaker 3 You never know. I mean, who knows? This is the, it's the great mystery.
Well, now that's the thing. You can't really answer that question yet.

Speaker 3 And, you know, it gets even deeper if you believe in reincarnation because the idea is it's, it's a lot of the things that

Speaker 3 that you're reacting to didn't even happen in this life but it's karma emerging from previous incarnations into this life mixing in with all the decisions that you're making now so like basically like from that perspective you're just

Speaker 3 it's it's past lives all the way down and it and so there's karma that hasn't even appeared in your life yet from previous incarnations and so all of these things really point towards

Speaker 3 it's not meant to sort of get you to a place of like, oh my God, I'm nothing or I'm powerless or anything like that, but it's really to sort of get you to take it easy on yourself instead of recognizing that you aren't in control as much as you think you are, that you aren't driving the bus.

Speaker 3 And even though that might sound fun, it's very,

Speaker 3 very stressful when people want to be God and control everything around them and think that they're in control of things that they're not in control of at all.

Speaker 3 And then planning for the future or always thinking about the past and then not doing a carpe diem. Because how can you do carpe diem

Speaker 3 if you're thinking about past carpe diems or future carpe diems?

Speaker 2 That sentence made so much sense to me the first.

Speaker 2 It's not even seize the day isn't even the quote. As a matter of fact.

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 2 It's longer than that. I've gotten a little obsessed with this quote.
Will you Google what Carpe Diem the full quote is? It's Carpe Diem qua minimum credula postero.

Speaker 2 It sees the day, but put very little trust in tomorrow. That's great.
And I like that. Put very little trust in tomorrow is the part I like because I go,

Speaker 2 yeah, I'm here today. Like I was just talking to Christina.
We're talking about, you know, cancer. She was like, it's crazy how little you give a fuck

Speaker 2 about anything. That's true.
Once you realize, oh shit, I may not have to, I may, I have tomorrow, but I'm that's not problematic. It's incredible.

Speaker 3 It's incredible, man. It's like it's, it frees you.
You don't even realize how chained you are to some like

Speaker 3 sense of a statistical lifespan.

Speaker 3 So you don't realize that a lot of your identity is wrapped up in this like completely ridiculous belief that you're going to make it to your lifespan, which a lot of people don't.

Speaker 3 And so you've been living according to this like false

Speaker 3 temporal bank account is what I call it. Like you think you have all these years in the bank account.

Speaker 3 And then it's like suddenly you get like a email from the bank that's like, hey, man, you've got, you're, you're about to overdraw your life account.

Speaker 2 And so, well, yeah, what the fuck am I doing? Like, you're right. It's, I have this, I have in my head a number that I go, easily that.
Yeah, sure. 77.
I'll definitely get in 77. Right.
My dad's 77.

Speaker 2 I'll make 77. Sure.

Speaker 2 And then I go.

Speaker 2 So what if I got, what if they, what if there was an app?

Speaker 2 Like, what if Woop could predict? And Whoop is like, oh, give you a heads up. You slept great last night, but you got six months left.
And you're getting hit by a car. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 2 There's nothing you can change. You can't change it.
And you were like, well, then what the fuck? Do I, do I, holy fuck, do I,

Speaker 2 do I finish this tour?

Speaker 2 Hey, Lafayette, I may not be there. Because who knows? Like, what, like, what, but, or am I doing what I'm meant to do? Yeah.
Am I doing, I think I'm doing what I'm meant to do.

Speaker 2 Whatever the trauma that happened that makes me love that transaction more than the things that affect of telling people a joke and making people laugh and bringing joy to people.

Speaker 2 That is in fact my calling. And I should be grateful for all the effects that happened to me to steer me in that way.
way. I should be grateful that no one ever wanted to suck my dick.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 3 of course.

Speaker 3 I mean, everyone owes a great debt of gratitude to those that didn't suck their dick.

Speaker 2 And it's just perspective.

Speaker 2 Wild thought, wild thought experiment. But the woman who was sexually assaulted, who now is an advocate, has probably helped millions of women deal with their.
thing.

Speaker 2 Right. And so

Speaker 2 she shouldn't be grateful that that happened to her, but but she should be comfortable with her path

Speaker 2 and saying, I'm doing the right thing.

Speaker 3 How about this? How about this is what's so cool about being human as opposed to like a poodle.

Speaker 3 Your dogs, you notice, you know,

Speaker 3 I don't know, you know, when you have to sneeze and you just sneeze.

Speaker 3 You can't really do anything about it. The sneeze just comes out.

Speaker 3 For a dog, I think everything is almost a sneeze. You know what I mean? Like it's a constant, like, except the the sneeze is a bark.
This, you know, the sneeze is a pissing on the floor.

Speaker 2 Or fall asleep. I'm always blown away by how quick they can fall asleep.

Speaker 3 Exactly. But they're not doing,

Speaker 3 they're just fully in, not completely, but they're fully in this sort of like

Speaker 3 automatic mode. Right.
A human, what's incredible about us is

Speaker 3 we, a human can take any occurrence, any event, whatever it may be. The classic example that shows up in like existentialist literature is smiling on your way to the gallows.

Speaker 3 You know, they're about to hang you and you're having a great fucking day. And it's like, yeah,

Speaker 3 so fuck you. You have no power over me at all.

Speaker 2 Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 3 Kill my body. I still think I'm noticing how beautiful the sunlight is on the grass this morning.
Or I, you know, the clouds look very beautiful today.

Speaker 3 And this is, this is sort of the, you know, think of Sisyphus, cursed by the gods, rolls a boulder up a hill, has to watch the boulder go back down. This philosopher Camus said that

Speaker 3 the moment Sisyphus, when he gets up to the top of the hill, knowing that boulder is just going to roll back down again, the moment he smiles because he's happy, he defeats the gods. The gods...

Speaker 3 couldn't do anything to him because humans have this incredible ability to turn poison into medicine or to find within them something something that is just going to be blissful regardless.

Speaker 3 And I don't mean fake blissful or anything, but can connect to this moment right now. Because this moment right now is always great.
And though I haven't been,

Speaker 3 you know, I've yet to be led to the gallows, so I can't speak for that experience. I can tell you, like

Speaker 3 when I didn't know how long I was going to live,

Speaker 3 it was fine. Things were fine.
You know, when my mom died, heartbroken, fine.

Speaker 3 Dad died, heartbroken, fine. So it's like you, and I don't mean in some sociopathic way.
I mean within

Speaker 3 the absurdity of the damn thing is that within these moments that you've been dreading,

Speaker 3 somehow you will find these incredible

Speaker 3 transcendent glimpses of something that doesn't really seem to be

Speaker 3 bummed out by

Speaker 3 catastrophe in the way that

Speaker 3 you thought you would be.

Speaker 2 Now, that's a long wordy way to say. No, no, no.
I love, I'm stuck. And that's what you are.

Speaker 3 That's what you are. That's what I think comes out of you.

Speaker 3 It's not some performative fucking asshole who's like trying to look great for people, but a sort of vibrant kind of like you're just in the moment as you. And it

Speaker 2 like that. I love, I love me

Speaker 2 at my, me, my favorite part of being me is meeting strangers. I really like ordering a coffee from Crystal today.
I love,

Speaker 2 there's no performance in it. I love smiling.
And they go, how are you doing today? And I go, fantastic. I'm always doing fantastic.
How are you doing, Crystal? She goes, working.

Speaker 2 And I said, I'm here to work. I go, all we do is work and take care of our kids.
And she goes, I know. And I go, but

Speaker 2 would you want to do anything else? She goes a vacation every now and then wouldn't be bad. I was like, yeah, but at the end of vacation, you just got to go back to work, right?

Speaker 3 And then you're like, why don't you put some money away for my cruise?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I would love to have Crystal on my cruise.

Speaker 3 You should give, you should comp her on the cruise.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what. I'm going to go to the coffee shop at Austin.
I should take, I should gift out some cruise. Oh, I should gift out some cruise patterns.

Speaker 3 There you go. Yeah, give some.

Speaker 3 But look, man, I think that you're a little bit more.

Speaker 2 And then it turns out she fucking, that always ends bad.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, it always ends bad. Yeah.
Because they're like, fuck. I didn't mention that I do meth.
And you're like, oh.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You don't know everything about Crystal.
You don't, that's how she got her name. That's not her fucking name, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Look.
I love the phrase you said.

Speaker 2 Because we're all kind of smiling on our way to the gallows.

Speaker 3 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Grife is smiling on our way to the gallows. Not all of us are.

Speaker 3 But, but. Not all of us are.
And these days, smiling on the way to the gallows is actually considered a political act and will get people mad at you.

Speaker 3 Right now, on the way to the gallows, you're supposed to be really fucking angry and terrified. It seems like if you aren't exhibiting these traits, it marks you as a piece of shit.

Speaker 3 You're supposed to be like absolutely shitting your pants on the way to the gallows.

Speaker 3 And I'm sure, like, if I was about to get, someone's about to string me up and I see a Burt Kreischer laughing at a bird, I'm going to be like, don't you understand? We're about to get fucking hung.

Speaker 3 You know what that does? You ever heard of a hangman's dick? You know your dick gets hard. No way.
Apparently, when you hang somebody, their dick gets super hard.

Speaker 2 I've listened to so I was obsessed with the reign of terror in France. I was obsessed with it because it really represented cancel culture to me, like the purest version of cancel culture.

Speaker 2 Because the person who started it

Speaker 2 was also the end of it.

Speaker 3 You mean they killed him?

Speaker 2 That's how they ended the reign of terror was by killing him. Yeah.
And so they,

Speaker 2 in my head, in my head, I was like, just as a thought experiment, I was like, we got to find out who started cancel culture, right? Yeah. First person to cancel someone and then cancel them.

Speaker 2 And then, but cancel culture is kind of gone now. Well,

Speaker 3 you do sort of, I have noticed like people who

Speaker 3 have that in them,

Speaker 3 it does seem like they like

Speaker 3 really like

Speaker 3 back themselves into a corner. Because like they don't, you know, it's alienate, like

Speaker 2 being

Speaker 2 being

Speaker 3 trying to destroy people's lives or essentially like spreading fear out into the world as your as your personality. Some people have that as their personality.
That's so bad.

Speaker 3 You end up getting surrounded by a group of people who feed off of that kind of energy. They like it.
It's a human sacrifice sacrifice ritual. You're kind of like some sort of like

Speaker 3 participating in, like, you know, sacrificing someone.

Speaker 3 And so you don't want to be surrounded by cultists who love human sacrifice because inevitably they're going to want to put you up on the altar and sacrifice you. That's just the way it is.

Speaker 3 I mean, that's that's that's your odds of being human sacrificed

Speaker 2 directly go up

Speaker 3 based on the number of cultists you surround yourselves with. You participate in human sacrifice.

Speaker 2 Pierre was his name.

Speaker 2 They got him.

Speaker 2 But you're right.

Speaker 2 If you spew

Speaker 2 the hate and negativity, that's who gets around you. That's who wants to

Speaker 2 want it.

Speaker 3 That's who you draw into your circumference is people who, and they're like, hey, you haven't done a human sacrifice in a few months. Oh, my God.
Please burn someone else on the pyre for us.

Speaker 3 You're supposed to be the number one witch hunter. And you know what I mean? It is, by the way, a lot of what's happening now it is

Speaker 3 so similar to the the witch hunts you know if if you don't vilify the right people right now and which you're supposed to do there's a set of people and this one was hilarious to me oh oh oh oh if if i had to pick teams i'm going with the guys that have underground bunkers and

Speaker 2 that's who they have they all have underground bunkers you know that right of course

Speaker 2 that's like the crazy thing to get yeah and i got access to those underground bunkers now. So, why would I not?

Speaker 3 I'll tell you why you don't take the hate.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you why you want to make sure I can get my family on the underground bunker. How you don't want it, don't go in a bunker,

Speaker 2 don't go in the bunker. This is the first time I ever heard of that whole concept of the underground bunkers that everyone's building.
And I was like, for real? I'm so far out of the loop.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, this is just something you do when you have a lot of money, is you build your bunker, you want to live forever, which is one of the qualities of like the super wealthy is because they're having such an opulent life, they want to extend their lifespan.

Speaker 3 This is a classic.

Speaker 2 I think Peter was one of the first people in front of longevity research.

Speaker 3 Oh, dude, yeah. It's a it's a it's a so it's a common thing that shows up

Speaker 3 around

Speaker 3 like technologists is because they they're so into systems.

Speaker 2 Brian Johnson.

Speaker 3 Brian Johnson. I had him on my podcast.
Great job.

Speaker 2 I liked him a lot.

Speaker 3 I liked him a lot.

Speaker 3 But they want to extend their lifespan, which

Speaker 3 I think is very similar to when you're on ecstasy and you start coming down and you make the wretched mistake of taking another hit of ecstasy.

Speaker 2 Very bad for you. That's a great fucking analogy, Duncan.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they just want to stay.

Speaker 3 If you look at this human thing as like the universe snorting a rail of humanness, it's a, it's, and you're having a great trip. Death would be coming down and you don't want to come down.

Speaker 3 So, by extending the human lifespan,

Speaker 3 it's basically what happens when you

Speaker 3 make ayahuasca versus DMT. You extend a DMT trip for five hours instead of five minutes.

Speaker 3 But it really could be that what's waiting for us on the other side of the veil here is infinitely better than this thing that we're experiencing right now.

Speaker 2 It would be nice. It would be nice to know.
I was thinking on my deathbed. I was thinking,

Speaker 2 I'm going to just just tell everyone there's a God.

Speaker 2 Just give them solace.

Speaker 2 You lied at all.

Speaker 3 Even though you don't believe me.

Speaker 2 My nephew, my nephew,

Speaker 2 my nephew is,

Speaker 2 he won't hear this. He doesn't watch podcasts.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's six, I think.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 he

Speaker 2 is obsessed with the Dodgers.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he came to me and he said,

Speaker 2 do you know any of the Dodgers? And I do. I know a couple of them.
And he was like, I said, yeah. And he goes, who do you know? I said, who do you want me to know?

Speaker 2 And he goes, do you know Freddie Freeman? I go, fuck yeah. He goes, you know Freddie Freeman? I don't know Freddie Freeman.

Speaker 2 But he's six, right? So why not give him, why not let him believe in God?

Speaker 2 So I go, yeah, Freddie Freeman's awesome. And he goes, can you call him on the phone? And I was like, yeah, I'll call him on the phone.
And then I just called Leanne's number. No one answered.

Speaker 2 I hang up. I go, I guess he's with his kid.
And he's like, wow. Do you know Otani? And I said, yeah.
Yeah. He goes, wait, can you talk to Otani? And I said, yeah, I know Japanese.

Speaker 2 And my nephew's like, you're amazing. And I go, I know.
And I just left. And I was like, one day he's going to find out I was full of shit, but I don't have to deal with that today.

Speaker 2 So on my deathbed, my daughters are there. My daughters do not believe in God.

Speaker 2 My wife believes in a higher power. Yeah.
And I'm going to die and go, oh my God,

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 It's me.

Speaker 2 I'll tell them, Jesus is real. He wants you guys to believe in God.
And I'm like, I'm coming to you now.

Speaker 3 And then I'm going to die. Great idea.
Yeah, right? Great idea. Yeah.
The problem is if Jesus does come to you and you're dying now. Now

Speaker 2 he's going to believe you. It was my phone.

Speaker 3 No, it's not the joke.

Speaker 2 What about you? I'm going to get a pick.

Speaker 3 Yeah, well, listen, I love that you're planning your death. I think that's a really like

Speaker 3 interesting exercise to do. That's a good thing to do.

Speaker 2 I I love that I asked you that and you go, I don't know. I think about jumping up a building.

Speaker 2 I love that I know you. I'm very grateful.
Thanks, man. Leanne talks about gratitude all the time.
I think she overuses the word. I don't think people understand gratitude.
I talked to Christina.

Speaker 2 I think Christina. understands gratitude right now because she is on the other side of a really shitty year.

Speaker 2 As I was talking to her, she was explaining that you were very helpful in that journey you were like very beginning you're like yo dot dot dot dot dot this is it and then yeah and so I don't sometimes I say I want to feel gratitude and it doesn't happen yeah and then sometimes it does but the one thing I'm grateful for is

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 that period in my life in 2010 2012 when we all started podcasting and we all got to know each other and we all got to hang out a lot. It was cool.

Speaker 2 And it was because I really do, I am grateful for my friendship with you.

Speaker 2 And when Georgia called and I when I found out that my daughter, that you're her favorite fucking podcast, it brought me so much joy that I had in a very roundabout way raised a great kid who,

Speaker 2 by the way, met someone she was a child, had no idea who she met, and then came around at 20 years old, 21 years old, and found that person and thought that person

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 has all the answers. And I love, he makes me giggle, he makes me think he's a because that's what I felt when I met you.

Speaker 3 Oh, thank you, man.

Speaker 2 The fact that my daughter and I would share a view of a person independently is like, it's like fault, it's like, must be like when you know a son fucks his stepmom and he goes, wow, we both love the same lady.

Speaker 2 My dad loves her.

Speaker 2 That was a bad analogy.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? That was a bad analogy.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to wrap it up with something like that.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I'm still burnt.
I can't be fucking numb.

Speaker 3 You can't just say the gratitude thing.

Speaker 2 You got to end it on incest. Incest.

Speaker 3 100%. And, man, I love you.
I think you're so funny. And thank you for having me on your show, man.

Speaker 2 I'm so glad Tom wasn't here.

Speaker 2 You know, sometimes I just want to leave this. Sebastian said something to me the other day.
Sebastian,

Speaker 2 very profound dude. Yep.
He said, you know,

Speaker 2 I'm a quiet guy. And the other day, I thought to myself,

Speaker 2 hey, maybe I'm just boring.

Speaker 2 And then I was obsessed with the arrogance of boring people to think that they're just quiet. Oh, wow.
And I was like, that defines Tom Segura.

Speaker 2 The arrogance of boring. Just.
He's not boring. I know.
I know. I'm just joking.
I'm just joking. I love him to death.
But I'm going to make you come on my cruise. Okay.
Yeah. And it's my my birthday.

Speaker 2 It's my birthday. Happy birthday.
It's my birthday today. Congratulations.

Speaker 2 Send me some love. Oh, no, no, no, no, send yourself some love.
I'm good. Send him love.
Send me love. He wants love.
Get into

Speaker 2 Tom's comments and say, I like Bert so much, Tom. Thank you for introducing me.

Speaker 3 Yes. Say that exactly.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I love you to death.

Speaker 3 No, if everyone just says, say that again, what you just said.

Speaker 2 Thank you for introducing me to Bert. I love him so much.

Speaker 3 That will be in the comments. You can copy and paste paste that in the Tom.

Speaker 2 Tom, just in whatever post Tom wrote, just go, Tom, thank you for introducing me to Bert. I love him so much.

Speaker 3 That's fucked up.

Speaker 2 That is fucked up.

Speaker 2 No one ever says I introduced them to Tom. It's always, do you know what this woman did the other day? I know I'm wrapping it up.
Do you know what this woman did the other day? What?

Speaker 2 She goes, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I am such a fucking fan. And I was like, oh, thank you.
And she goes, my son, I told him you're here. My son said, do not approach him.
He is, he, he won't take a picture with you. But I told him that

Speaker 2 you seem like you're in a good mood. It wouldn't be a problem.
And I said, okay. And she goes, can I FaceTime my son? And I go, yeah.
She FaceTime her son. She goes, I'm with Tom Segura.

Speaker 2 And her son looks in the FaceTime. He's like, that's not who that is.

Speaker 2 And her poor son was in the FaceTime going, that's not Tom Segura.

Speaker 2 And I went, what's up, dude? I said, you.

Speaker 2 And he was like, hi. I go, I'm here with your mom.
It's just me, Tom Segura, and your mom. And he goes,

Speaker 2 can I just talk to my mom real quick? Oh, God, that sucks. Fucking, it was beautiful to me.
Beautiful. Oh, I fucking, the look on that kid's face.

Speaker 2 By the way, the only other, by the way, and I'm not this, this is one of the funniest things.

Speaker 2 One of the funniest things I've ever done, and I'm never going to stop doing it. Every time this happens, I was at an NASCAR event, Coca-Cola 600.
I walk out.

Speaker 2 I'm walking out of the suite or whatever. I'm getting to the elevator and the suite door opens.
Young kid, probably 14 years old, comes out. He goes, Holy shit, Burt Chrysler.
I went, what's up?

Speaker 2 He goes, the machine. And he's with his mom.
His mom's probably my age and a little confused, very pretty. And he was like, dude, can I get a picture? And I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go, you want me to take the shirt off? And he was like, please. And his mom's like, what's going on? So I take the shirt off.

Speaker 2 And he goes, mom, and she goes, wait, who are you? And I go, I'm a gay porn star.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 the kid, Duncan, in the best delivery ever. The kid looks at me and goes, real cool, dude.

Speaker 2 He knew there was no way he was going to tell us, get his mom to believe that I was a comedian who takes his shirt off.

Speaker 2 It was too much. And he goes, now I just got to tell my mom I watch gay porn.
Real cool, dude. Real cool.
The way he said it. Real cool.

Speaker 2 You're the best. Did do you have anything to promote?

Speaker 3 When does this come out?

Speaker 2 November 3rd.

Speaker 2 1972.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm coming to the... Hold on.
Let me just look real quick. Hold on one second.
I can't remember the name of the place.

Speaker 2 Lafayette, Louisiana, this week. I just know that's the...

Speaker 2 Baltimore. I'm coming on the Tops Off Permission Party World Tour.
And then my cruise. I hope, by the way, we've announced my cruise already, because if not, I just fucking...
Shit the bed.

Speaker 2 There's no way to edit that out.

Speaker 2 There's no way to edit that out. By the way, hey, guess what? We're announcing the cruise today.
All right?

Speaker 2 That's cool. We just announced it.
Fuck. I probably should have checked with someone.

Speaker 3 What's the name of that club in Tampa? I can't remember. Side splitter.
I'm at Side Splitters in Tampa. I think the weekend.
Oh, thanks for pulling that up.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait. I'm going to do this.

Speaker 3 I'm going to. Is that my turn?

Speaker 2 This weekend, Richmond Heights, Missouri.

Speaker 3 Not this weekend. Next weekend.

Speaker 2 No, that's

Speaker 2 this weekend.

Speaker 3 Oh, this week.

Speaker 2 Oh, this weekend.

Speaker 3 I'm going to be at Richmond Heights at Helium. I don't think I've ever been there.
And then side splitters in Tampa.

Speaker 2 The 21st, the 20th, the 22nd.

Speaker 2 By the way, I'll be in Tampa January 30th at the whatever that arena is called now.

Speaker 3 You got to say that, huh?

Speaker 2 I got to sell tickets too.

Speaker 3 You had to say that.

Speaker 2 We all got to sell tickets, Selfie.

Speaker 2 I love you to death. I love you too.

Speaker 2 Hey, will you talk about my funeral?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'd be honored. Thank you.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 That's all I needed to hear.

Speaker 3 Pretty busy next year, though.

Speaker 2 Wait, hold on. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

Speaker 2 One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.