The Summer Bears Came For The Winter | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Speaker 1 100%.

Speaker 1 Excuse me.

Speaker 1 Hey, everybody, and welcome to the Winter Bears. Look at us.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Wow. They are.
We thought they were phoning it in in the summer. Yes.
But

Speaker 1 this is the next level, folks.

Speaker 2 Get ready.

Speaker 1 Tom is just in the room over there. Yes.
He's just over there having coffee. And we want to be clear.
We will never do this show full time. Never.

Speaker 2 Never. It's not going to happen.

Speaker 1 And we did we thought we were doing a horrible job last time you are in for four of the most phoned-in episodes you have ever experienced in your lives and we don't give a fuck that's the beauty of this this is like okay last episode last the last summer it was like when your your parents have a work trip so they have to get a babysitter to watch you this is just now your parents are on benzos in the pool and they've just hired a maid to look at you we're your we're we're just like a a a babysitter because your parents are sick of looking you in the face.

Speaker 2 100% two things, and I'm speaking for you, Stavia, but I believe that you'll agree with me. Two things I'll never do in my life, this podcast full-time or Burt Kreischer's comedy cruise.

Speaker 1 Listen, yeah, the cruise is tough.

Speaker 2 It's just, I got an offer for it, and the answer is resounding no, and it always will be. I'm not getting on a boat

Speaker 2 with Burt Kreiser.

Speaker 1 The boat is one step too far. Yeah.
I don't want to be in international waters with Bert's biggest superficials. No, dude,

Speaker 2 I don't need to be in international waters close to his bare nipples.

Speaker 1 No, thanks. I'll be on a tour bus with his nips.
Yeah, sure. I like the tour bus.

Speaker 1 I need to be on dry land. 100%

Speaker 1 I could bail out and I could fucking hitchhike to the nearest Buckies and get home if something goes wrong.

Speaker 2 Now, they're holding on to this show, to this network, the same reason why parents hold on.

Speaker 2 You know, they're trying to make sure they're, you know, we want to stay together till our kids are 18, then we'll go on. They're holding on because they have a contract with HelloFresh.

Speaker 1 We're here to sell pre-portioned chicken cordon blues. And that's all we're here for.

Speaker 2 The money was given up front.

Speaker 1 And so between that and BetterHelp and whatever lightning strike bullshit drink that they sell, all that stuff.

Speaker 1 We were like advertising a financial service company. Remember that? That was his.
100%. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tom is doing season two of his Netflix show coming up with new ways to shit his pants. And Bert has a multicam sitcom on that it's, I don't know what's going to happen with that.

Speaker 1 So that's just,

Speaker 1 that's true. They have, they have, they have found their ladders out.

Speaker 1 They're trying to climb out of podcasting with sitcoms and movies. Yes.
And basically, we're keeping the seat warm in case those both fail. Exactly.

Speaker 1 If those shows are successful, this show is done and you guys know it.

Speaker 2 Now, we're going to actively, what we're going to try to actively do over the next four weeks is try not to get invited back for Spring Bears.

Speaker 2 So we're going to do what we can.

Speaker 1 It's going to be impossible. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know. We're going to try.
We're going to try. You know, Joke World will do what he can to interview us and tell the fans it's a good thing.

Speaker 1 And, you know, and so, but the honest God is we're trying here.

Speaker 2 We're here with the winter bears. Now, what I do like about this, what is positive about this, is you and I, we don't see each other much.

Speaker 1 No, this is a great opportunity to catch up.

Speaker 2 Chance for us to hang. You know,

Speaker 2 we were both talking about having our breakfast and we were both talking about how we need to really, you know, get our health together. You got

Speaker 2 a lot of, you have a lot of stuff coming up. And I was like, I want to get my health together for my kids as we're both eating bacon, egg, and cheeses in our left hand and muffins with our right.

Speaker 1 No, it's actually worse than that because what we did was, I, particularly me, you, to be fair, were happy to be a little slut while we're here. Yes.

Speaker 1 You would have, whatever Benson Spoon, he's in the booth. We're on Benson's home turf.

Speaker 1 Whatever he had brought us, whatever, like, if he poured caramel into a trough, you would have had that for breakfast. 100%.

Speaker 1 You love to pretend it's out of your hands. Right.
Right. Because in your heart, you are a fat piece of shit.

Speaker 2 I just work out a little bit.

Speaker 1 Exactly. And so

Speaker 1 when it's out of your circumstances, when the circumstances force you to have treats. So last time you basically told Benson Spoon to bring us donuts and desserts.
Muffins.

Speaker 1 And I was like, hey, man, I'm trying to get it together.

Speaker 1 Don't don't do that this time so he had egg white sandwiches and then i just pulled the absolute fat guy move where shout out to josh he also got just an extra breakfast platter so even though i ordered an egg white sandwich with like spinach and avocado i took the bacon from the breakfast platter and put it onto an egg white sandwich which is worse than just a regular egg sandwich and let's be honest you forget i was standing right next to you you also put the home fries in the sandwich as well home fries yes i use home fries as a condiment i use fried potatoes as a topping.

Speaker 1 If I don't eat it with a fork, I don't consider that I've even had hash browns. That's part of the sandwich as far as I'm concerned.
But so, you know, and then, of course, yes, I had some muffin.

Speaker 1 I'm the same way. Right.
It's tough.

Speaker 1 And last, yesterday, I was...

Speaker 1 I was crushing Pepto-Bismo. So I might, they might not only pay us to do these shows, but I might completely wreck the plumbing at YMA Studios with the weird Pepto.

Speaker 1 There's a weird fucked up green Pepto shit in my intestines that's that bacon from the morning and the muffin is just pounding it from the back right now

Speaker 2 it's gonna rock it out yeah man i i fully it's one of those things where i also i went to houston last night and i ate i decided to what did we have see here's the thing i had a really good day okay right and then i decided i said i really want pizza and then i looked at the menu at the houston punch line and i noticed they had cauliflower crust pizza which i'm thinking oh this is healthier and less carved so i got a a pepperoni cauliflower crust pizza.

Speaker 1 Cauliflower crust comedy club pizza in Texas. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 1 listen to those back. Listen to those words back.
It felt

Speaker 2 disgusting. It was like I was eating a UFC fighter's ear.

Speaker 2 Just a nice cauliflower ear pizza. And it was, and

Speaker 2 I woke up in the middle of the night at like three o'clock in the morning.

Speaker 2 I was supposed to come here last night and be in Austin early this morning so we could get this started, but I literally was having like explosive diarrhea.

Speaker 2 Like I couldn't leave the confines of the hotel because of that cauliflower pizza. And I just started to feel better.
And then I immediately ate the food that Benson Spoon has provided for us.

Speaker 2 So I'm with you.

Speaker 2 And maybe what we can do is for episode two, we can really just mail it in and actually have them set up cameras, live look into the stalls, and us do a podcast while we have battle shits.

Speaker 1 Mike up the bowl.

Speaker 2 Just mic it up. I mean, that's pretty much what Tom and Bert do on a weekly basis.

Speaker 1 It's true. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The verbal equivalent yeah and i could feel there is no i mean the energy in here sucks you guys are only seeing it this way but we're looking over here and it looks bad i mean dude it looks like ukraine out there

Speaker 1 but over here they're like woo yeah but you know i think that um i'm happy to do this i am happy to be back look all joking aside it is i love tom and burt it is fun to be here and it is fun to just do a podcast that doesn't affect us at all zero that's the we're you know what i mean there's no there's no stakes for us it's just a good time we just happen to both be in Texas at the same time and they hit us up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the only thing I have to deal with is Giannis is watching this with a gun in his mouth.

Speaker 1 He's like, if you start another podcast with someone else, I'll fucking kill you and your family. You just started a podcast with a different Greek.
Yes. You know, you really are.
It is.

Speaker 1 He is watching. And it's like, by the end of this, you go back to Historia Heinz talking about how much you love Mom Donnie.
Yes.

Speaker 1 You really are just the idiot bellwether that's blown between two Greeks.

Speaker 1 One Republican fucking

Speaker 1 now he, Giannis has become a suburban Republican father. Sure.
And then one fucking degenerate socialist, you know, single city dweller.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the freaking whole revolution.

Speaker 2 And then I'm just doing, I'm just climbing the ladder of Greeks, you know, the Giannis, Stavi, and then eventually I am trying to get back on Fuller House with John Stevens.

Speaker 2 Just trying to get in there.

Speaker 1 Fuller house. Fuller Third area.

Speaker 2 No, but History Hyenas is safe. We're having a good time over there at the History Hyenas.

Speaker 1 And let me shout out Yannis. It's my choice that it's safe, Yannis.

Speaker 1 This is basically like a Jolene. Yannis is basically singing Jolene to me.
He's like, please don't take my man. It's like, I'm good, man.

Speaker 1 I just want to fuck him a couple times.

Speaker 2 You can keep him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's the Chris Rock checker

Speaker 1 where he was like, men will, because women want to take your, take your husband. Like the joke is like, women want to take your husband.
Men don't want to take your wife.

Speaker 1 They want to fuck your wife, but they don't want to take her. No.
Great joke off of Tambourine. Great special.

Speaker 1 And that's how I feel about our relationship. You know, we come in, we cheat on our Eldis is Eldis is out here.
He's getting cucked harder than Giannis. 100%.
He has to watch this.

Speaker 1 He's watching this from closed circuit TV. Yeah.
He's watching.

Speaker 2 And he's just sitting out there with the guys who open for me, just asking him a million questions about his camera equipment.

Speaker 2 And he's just sitting there for two and a half hours talking about lenses.

Speaker 1 And Eldis thinks he looks like you, too. That's the other funny thing.
Eldis has like hilarious Albanian self-esteem where he thinks he's so much hotter than he is. Right.
He's looking at this.

Speaker 1 He's like, what the hell? Why am I a producer? I should be on the mic.

Speaker 2 Yes, Eldis looks like me if he was born in Hiroshima in 1945.

Speaker 1 If his dad's balls were just in nuclear goose. Yes, if he was born in Chernobyl.

Speaker 2 Chernobyl's it, absolutely. Yeah, so no, but I think that, yeah, it's...
Our relationship is, you know, we come and do this podcast, so we have sex, we have hot,

Speaker 2 gorgeous sex, but then we both go back to our committed relationships. Absolutely.
Gustavi's world to history hyenas, and everybody wins. We are kind of like, we're like a legal affair.

Speaker 2 We can have an affair with each other. We could be good.
And everybody's winning.

Speaker 1 We're podcast polyamorous. Exactly.
This is what we are, dude. Exactly.

Speaker 1 We come in, we fuck. We come into Burt and Tom's house and fuck each other.
So our wives don't know where we are. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then Burt and Tom can go do whatever they need to, and then they can come back and everything's good. We've kept the seats warm.
That's right. And this is what it is.

Speaker 1 We've kept the seats covered,

Speaker 1 immersed in jizz, basically. Yes.

Speaker 1 They haven't dried out.

Speaker 2 And this would be good, I think, moving forward for relationships in general because everyone always says the same thing.

Speaker 2 Like, oh, I would never cheat on my wife if she would just allow me to have sex with other women. It would be better for us if you let me have sex with other women.

Speaker 1 Everyone says that. It's not your internal monologue you're talking about right now.

Speaker 1 Because it's like, you know, this well-known thing that everybody says I should be able to fuck when I'm on the road. Everyone thinks that.
Everyone thinks that.

Speaker 1 As long as I'm a time zone away, it's a time zone and an ethnicity away. Yeah.
You can just everyone. The further the time zone, the closer you can get to fucking a Latina.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The entire borough of Staten Island is agreeing with me right now.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 But it's like people make this argument. Oh, if I could step out, it would make things better.
Now, who knows if it's true or not? I would never try. I love my family.

Speaker 2 But I will say that for podcasting, this works. You and I said, we were like, you know, because they said, oh, we want you and Stavi to do a show for YMH.
And we said, we can't.

Speaker 2 We're not doing this shit long term. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But coming in seasonal and hitting them with the few, this works. Yeah, it's like when you hire when they have to hire extra hands at Target on Christmas.
Yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 To really stock all the toys. That's what we were here for.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 we're the two guys with Down syndrome that come and help out the big markets like Walmart and Target.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 We're getting thrown a bone here.

Speaker 1 Absolutely.

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Speaker 1 What is going on with you, Chrissy? It's been a while. You know, how's the fam? How's the you've moved fully into your new home?

Speaker 2 Now I've moved fully into my new home. And what's interesting is I've moved fully into my new home.
And then as soon as I closed, I'm talking about day two.

Speaker 2 Come on, the insurance company told me I need a new roof. So I now am actively trying to get out of the house that I just purchased.

Speaker 1 Are you serious?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I'm like, this thing needs a new roof. I see it.

Speaker 1 Dude, you know, crazy.

Speaker 2 But here's my thing.

Speaker 1 How much does the fucking roof cost?

Speaker 2 I know. I should.

Speaker 1 Just get a new fucking roof stay. I know.
Your kids are going to be fucking like they're going to have like fucking PTSDs.

Speaker 2 I know. I want to get one of them Tesla roofs.

Speaker 1 So, but what your kids are having, somehow, your kids are growing up upper middle class, but they have the like the mentality of a war-torn refugee.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. My kids are growing up.
That's why they're pro-Palestine.

Speaker 2 And, and so, and so, but I'm not, I am, if, I wouldn't, I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind to sell my house.

Speaker 1 Of course. Absolutely has.

Speaker 2 Of course. I'm not going to do it.
And here, okay, but if I do do it,

Speaker 1 if I do do it,

Speaker 2 here's the big difference, which I think this is because thinking about the kids first, I would not move out of the town that I'm in. So I won't change their schools.

Speaker 1 Right. You already sent pies to the police officers.
Yes.

Speaker 1 You've already tried to bribe the police with a sweet potato pie. I did.
Oh, yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 And they have also been invited to the house for Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 So I, I, but I have been thinking about it, and I noticed what happens with me.

Speaker 1 You're addicted to moving, bro. I know.
You're addicted to Zillow. Yes.
You love fucking moving. That's who my speaker is.
You're boxing shit up.

Speaker 2 I know. And the thing is, too, is like, I don't even do it.
Like, I try to hire companies to do the moving for me because I don't want to do it. I think I'm addicted to being overwhelmed.

Speaker 2 You ever think about that? Like, I think I'm addicted to just having some type of constant chaos, overwhelming issue in my life.

Speaker 1 I get that because if you have that, you can't actually sit and be with your thoughts and your actual deficiencies. Yes.

Speaker 1 You don't want to be faced with the fact that you desperately want to cheat every moment of the day. All you want is a muffin and strange pussy.
That's true.

Speaker 1 And you've been having egg whites and been in a committed relationship. So if you're constantly boxing up your things and worried about new schools, you can't let your natural Italian mind wander.

Speaker 1 Wander, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, and then for me to top all that off, I'm gay.

Speaker 1 Even the furthest, even that is like a red herring from the real issue. Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 Every time, every single time I come up for air and start to meditate, I just see my face on Vito in the parking lot coming up, giving the blowjob in the Sopranos.

Speaker 1 That's so funny. You try and meditate, and you just, within three minutes, you're looking, you're thinking about vivid gay sex just right away.

Speaker 2 Right away. To the point where there'll be times where like we're just watching a show in bed, like Jazz and I, and she's like, it's okay if you're gay.

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 2 in fact it would probably that's actually such a best case scenario oh my god she would because she knows we would always I would always they're my family for life I'll always take care of them as long as I have things they have things but then she wouldn't have to deal with the pain of like moving on with another woman she'd be like oh he's just you know he's just in a committed relationship with a guy now you think if you were gay you wouldn't have because gay guys they love that they have to them cheating isn't even a concept right you know what i mean it's like how certain uh certain like uh

Speaker 1 different people can't see different colors. Right.
Or like, you know, coyotes and dogs can only see in certain colors. Gay guys don't even, or certain languages don't have concepts.

Speaker 1 You know, like they don't have the concept of cheating in the gay vernacular.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like, it's, I think in French society, too, I think it's okay to cheat.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 I've heard that French guys, the way it works in France is, is you can cheat on your spouse.

Speaker 1 That's allowed.

Speaker 2 You just not, you just can't fall in love.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 But you can bang and have sex.

Speaker 1 That's a natural urge. Okay.

Speaker 2 It's my right as a Christian man to be able to do that.

Speaker 1 But to have sex.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And you even have your, you set your mistress up in

Speaker 1 a pit deterre. A little petitre.
Pi deterre.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I've actually tried to get that and pulled it off as a studio for the history Aines, but I've been denied the petitaire.

Speaker 2 But Giannis and I both have asked our wives, is it possible to just have a little petitaire? And the answer is a resounding no. Really?

Speaker 1 It's a resounding no from the I mean, I get even Giannis, though. Yeah, no, Giannis seems like he's over even getting pushed.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, dude. Giannis is 50 years old.

Speaker 1 He doesn't, he's pontificate

Speaker 1 and not nut anymore.

Speaker 2 100%, dude. He wants to hang out with Ethan Hawk.

Speaker 2 He just wants to talk about Ethan Hawk poems and movies all day.

Speaker 1 Listen, I respect that. Ethan Hawk.
I can't wait to see the new one,

Speaker 1 what is it called? Blue Something.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes. Yeah, I've seen ads for it.
Yeah, he, like before midnight, before sunrise, all those movies, Ethan Hawk, next level insane fucking actor.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Uh fuck the Paul Schrader movie.
What the fuck was that called?

Speaker 1 He's so good. He's the priest who like fucking

Speaker 1 anyway. Great actor.

Speaker 2 I saw it. Here's a funny thing about well not funny, just a random thing about Ethan Hawk is I one time was getting on first reformed

Speaker 2 fucking movie.

Speaker 2 I was getting on a flight on an American Airlines flight with Ethan and Ethan Hawk was there and we were boarding and I sat like I was sitting like right across from him and so like I would you know go to the bathroom or whatever and like just give him like little pounds.

Speaker 2 And I did it probably two or three times. Like, I was, I was, I was being

Speaker 2 like, yeah, what up, you know, like, whatever. He was very cool.
And then he was probably like, I'm happy. Like, that guy was annoying.
And I rightfully so.

Speaker 2 And then I stayed in LA for like a week and a half. And then on my flight from LA back to JFK, I was sitting in the same aisle as him.
And he said, I swear to God, dude, and I respect it for this.

Speaker 2 He took off his headphone seriously and was like, hey, man,

Speaker 1 are you following me? Wow. And I said,

Speaker 1 I know how this looks.

Speaker 2 And it was one of those things where I was like, so professional. I was like, Mr.
Hawk. I was like, I am not.
I was like, this is random. I was like, I've been thinking all week.

Speaker 2 I know I bothered you.

Speaker 1 You overbid it.

Speaker 2 I apologize. And I remember that, I believe it was the San Antonio Spurs when the NBA championship at that time.
Yeah, it was like a few years ago.

Speaker 1 This is a long time ago.

Speaker 2 Whenever the last time they made the finals, it was then.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude, we're talking

Speaker 1 when they face against the heat.

Speaker 2 Yeah, when's the last time

Speaker 2 the Spurs made? It was during that time. And I remember we were all watching the game on the way home.
And

Speaker 2 I think he was rooting for the Spurs. He might be from Texas because he was definitely rooting for the Spurs.

Speaker 2 And I remember I

Speaker 2 was like, oh, I can score. And then he looked at me and gave me a pound.

Speaker 1 Wow. I was like, okay.

Speaker 1 So he's a cool guy. He's scored.
I don't know that he would ever remember that. No, let me tell you something.
No, he wouldn't. And if he did, it's because he's like, has your, he has your face.

Speaker 1 He has like a picture of a, and you're on a list of like, don't let let these guys near the property.

Speaker 2 You know, two things are probably true. He doesn't remember me, and it wasn't Ethan Hawk.

Speaker 1 Just some guy with a beard. Yeah, some guy with a beard.
It was just some woman. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now, what about you, dude? What's been going on with you? You got a lot of stuff going on.

Speaker 1 You know, movie, which was cool, Begonia, go see it. It's still in theaters.

Speaker 1 That's going out. That's out there.

Speaker 1 I basically have just,

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 trying.

Speaker 1 This is the story of my life. Just not to try and get a little less fat

Speaker 1 every day. I have found out that I'm on, so I'm on Fat Guy Medicine.
I'm on not Ozempic, Zepp Bound. What's the difference? I think it's just a different

Speaker 2 peptide type shit. It's a GLP.

Speaker 1 It's a GLP. The GLP one.
That's the main one.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so I just went to a doctor who's not a doctor. He's a nurse practitioner that would just kind of.

Speaker 2 Okay, it's Dr. Drew.

Speaker 1 He would basically, yeah, he basically, it's literally just a guy you know what's funny he dress what's funny about him is he kind of dresses like a doctor and then you look at his card and there's no md to be found anywhere he's just a nurse practitioner which is fine respect the nurse practitioner you're looking at him you're like you know he's he's very smart but i saw him on kill tony

Speaker 1 yeah dude my dog oh my doctor if my doctor's a bucket pull no that's no good

Speaker 1 so what did what was he saying well he just was not it turns out i was and then i talked to a doctor who specializes in fat guy medicine Okay. And I should have been going up in dose.

Speaker 1 I was eating through the, there's like a 2.5, a 5, 7.5, 10, all the way up to 15. I was at 5

Speaker 1 for like four months. And you're supposed to go up in dose when it stops kind of being effective.
So basically, I would take the shot and it would work like one day. And then I would just power.

Speaker 1 0.5 is no match for, for like, for me, when I really want to fucking, I was eating a lot of pizza. I was getting a lot of sushi.

Speaker 2 Not cauliflower crust either.

Speaker 1 Not cauliflower crust, the good shit. Actually, shout out to the, if we're talking about, since we're talking about comedy club pizzas, the Greensboro Comedy Zone,

Speaker 1 where

Speaker 1 I did do a show,

Speaker 1 shockingly good pizza. Really? Yeah.
It was like, it kind of tastes like the best version of Chuck E. Cheese pizza.
Interesting. You ever get nostalgic for that old

Speaker 1 kind of buttery Christmas pizza?

Speaker 2 The other day, I ate an Elios pizza.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It just heated one of those puppies up.

Speaker 1 Wow. You remind me, you're remembering your latch key kid days in Brooklyn.
Yes. Just fucking heating up an Elios, sleeping, jacking off in your mom's bed

Speaker 1 after school.

Speaker 2 The old Chrissy D move. 100%, yeah.
You know, trying to join the army to defend this country from the 9-11 hijackers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Beating up an Indian guy because you thought he was from fucking Iraq.

Speaker 2 Yeah, calling every person who's a shade darker than me, Muhammad Atta.

Speaker 1 Fistfighting Dominicans.

Speaker 1 And then planting a Quran on them to make it look like a hate Yeah, and then going and practicing my free throws.

Speaker 1 But so yeah, so what happened? So anyway, I'm just, so now I'm on the new dose. I'm looking good.
I'm not, it's, it actually works.

Speaker 1 Cause it, dude, there's, there's nothing more depressing than thinking like, oh, I'm going to beat this medicine. Right.
I am going to fucking the miracle cure that the fattest.

Speaker 1 fat people the most classically a man whose name is fat joe got skinny off this medicine yes

Speaker 1 And it's like, I am going to lose to this. Like, I'm going to beat it.
There's nothing I can do. I'm going to just be fat as shit.

Speaker 1 Like, there were some depressing days, and then I realized, like, oh, I just wasn't on the right dosage.

Speaker 2 Now I'm pretty good. Now you feel good and you're feeling good.

Speaker 1 I'm feeling good. There were days where my brain hadn't matched.
I was still fighting the 7.5. Like, I ate a fucking pint of ice cream over like two and a half hours

Speaker 1 because it like hurt my stomach. But I was like,

Speaker 1 you're not going to beat me, you fucking pussy.

Speaker 1 I'm stronger than you, medicine. And And then I woke up the next day, diary.
I was like, why did I do that?

Speaker 2 How do I start my morning every day? Well, I start it with the beautiful, gorgeous morning dump.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 2 Because I'm drinking AG-1.

Speaker 2 Okay. That keeps me flowing.
That keeps me healthy. AG-1, my asshole is, my whole body just runs good.
I feel clean on the inside.

Speaker 2 A lot of the men I've been hanging out with after hours have told me how that I don't even need to douche because AG1 is just keeping me clean.

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Come on, you want to be sick for the holidays?

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So AG1, all they do is they help you stay consistent with the rest of your routine is thrown off the one scoop. That's what I do.

Speaker 2 I do it in a scoop of water. Sometimes I throw it in a scoop of yogurt, and I have a good time.
I use it. You should too.
You're going to love it. Now, as always.
They always give nice offers.

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AG1 has the best offer ever going on right now.

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This has really helped me.

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Speaker 2 I said $126.

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Okay. Do you run a small business?

Speaker 2 If you do and you're not using Shopify, I honestly have no idea what the hell you're even doing. Okay.
Shopify, Shopify.

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Whatever you're shipping out from t-shirts to dildos, Shopify is the way to go. Okay.

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I mean, truly, if you're not using Shopify, I just don't, I don't even know if we could be friends anymore.

Speaker 2 I really don't. Okay.

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It's 22% better total cost of ownership and benefits. That's equivalent to an 8.9% uplift.

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Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com/slash bears.

Speaker 2 Go to shopify.com slash bears. That's shopify.com/slash bears.
Well, what does it necessarily do? It just makes you not hungry?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it kind of regulates your, yeah, exactly. In theory, people who are fat, and I, I really do believe this because I can just eat so fucking much.

Speaker 1 And it's just like, you're just, your chemistry is just wrong. Your internal shit is fucked up.
Yeah. So you don't regulate hunger the way normal motherfuckers do.

Speaker 1 Like, you actually, that button that tells me I'm full doesn't happen for it really doesn't dude like i i have to be in pain to stop eating right you know what i mean like i have to be i have to and i've figured out i mean it's so fucked up where i there have been times where i like know how to trick my body like i'll drink water yeah i'll drink a bunch of water like balloon up the stomach and then i'll just fill it up real fast with meats before it has it has time to realize it's not water it's meat that's in there and then as soon as my body realizes i have the most horrific diarrhea like one thanksgiving

Speaker 1 it was the pandemic, right? And so me and my brothers used to do Korean barbecue Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 Very American of you. It's very, yeah,

Speaker 2 exactly what Squanto wanted.

Speaker 1 I think you would have liked that.

Speaker 1 And so, but usually you go to a restaurant and you can't overeat at a restaurant. No, it's tough.
But it's the pandemic, everything's closed.

Speaker 1 So we just go to a H Mart, load up on meats and shit, and I just have a tin, like a big ass fucking tin full of fucking short rib. And I'm just eating it.

Speaker 2 No kimchi, nothing healthy.

Speaker 1 Little kimchi, little kimchi, a little rice, a little soy, a little

Speaker 1 sesame oil and salt, a little fucking

Speaker 1 bean paste. Yep.
Great, great shit.

Speaker 1 And dude, I just, I almost, it was like I was eating it on a schedule where it was like my timer would go off.

Speaker 1 So I would have just enough time for my body to think I stopped eating and then I would fucking eat some real quick.

Speaker 1 It was like when actresses talk, like when Hill, What's Her Face, Hillary Swank had to get to be Million Dollar Baby. She would like wake up up in the middle of the night to have like protein shits.

Speaker 1 I was every like hour waking up and just eating fucking short ribs.

Speaker 1 And I

Speaker 1 gave birth. Like I shit, like literally, I don't know if, I don't know how my ass is snapped back from that, but it was like a

Speaker 1 grapefruit of just like Korean scented shit, like just hard. And honestly, smelled kind of good.

Speaker 1 I didn't have time to really digest. I was eating it so much that the fragrant herbs overpowered the shit.
And it was like, I was kind of like,

Speaker 1 maybe I should eat this. Like, if I walked into a restaurant and it smelled like that, I'd be like, hey, what's that? That's a good thing.

Speaker 2 Dude, well, Koreans have an enzyme in their body where their sweat doesn't smell. So maybe

Speaker 2 you cannot get a Korean person's armpits to smell like B.O. It's not possible.

Speaker 2 Yes, exactly.

Speaker 2 I've captured a couple of them, just put them in the sauna.

Speaker 1 You're tickling their armpits with feathers. I'm like, come on.

Speaker 2 And nothing. So maybe there's something in the food.

Speaker 1 That is interesting.

Speaker 2 And by the way, let me tell you, I know, you know, I worked with Fat Joe in 2014. We did the show on MLB called an MTV2 called Off the Bat that nobody watched.

Speaker 2 Basically, MLB was like, oh, we want to make. baseball available for like a younger audience.
Right.

Speaker 1 So make it cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so they put it on Sundays at 11 a.m. I was like, the perfect time slot.

Speaker 1 Let's get Fat Joe and the first guy from Guy Code that replies yes.

Speaker 1 And you happen to be looking at your email before Schultz, and the job is yours. Yes, I beat him to it.
And so yeah, you beat John Gabriels and Schultz, and you got to do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And so, and so Fat Joe was like, you know, the other host, and Sway from Sway in the Morning was there and Melanie and Glacius, and it was a great show.

Speaker 2 But Fat Joe, he had lost all that weight back then in 2014. I remember, you know, this is years before Ozempic.
What was he doing? Was he a

Speaker 1 go ahead?

Speaker 2 No, so I'm sitting with him, right? And we're in the green room. Wow, look at that.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at that. Oh, wow.
You really looked way more like a fucking Brooklyn Guinea.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Yeah, like a puffy fat face.

Speaker 1 You have that fat fucking goomba face there, dude. You look so much better now.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I just, dude, I was, you know what that was, dude? That was me.
Like, I was eating a lot, but that was drinking. That was, I still drink a little bit, but that was like serious, like,

Speaker 2 drinking beers, like every day. Beers with fucking Pat Finnegan at O'Neill's.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 That was me and Mass Bith Queens just throwing back Bruce. I love it.

Speaker 2 And so, but Fat Joe, we're sitting in the green room one day before the show, and I'm like, dude, like, you know, because I was feeling fat and puffy. I was like, what do you lose?

Speaker 2 How do you lose all this weight? He goes, yo, man, you know what the secret is? One thing, baby.

Speaker 2 All I had to do, I still eat the way I eat, but now every single day, I make sure I have a black cherry seltzer.

Speaker 2 And I said, what? He was like, black cherry seltzers, baby. That's the only thing that I change, man.

Speaker 2 And he goes, Joey, crack. He goes, and I changed my whole life.
Black cherry seltzers.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh. No way that's true.
No way that's true.

Speaker 2 So that, but that was his claim. I mean, black cherry seltzers.
And the thing with Fat Joe, dude, he's such a funny guy. He would tell the best stories.

Speaker 2 Like, I remember one time he's telling the story. And he had like the whole like room like riveted, right? Because he was in front of a live audience.

Speaker 2 So he's telling us this amazing story once where he's like, he's like, yeah, he's like, you know, it's like 1994 or whatever.

Speaker 2 Him and Big Pun, when Big Pun was still alive, the tunnel, the famous club in New York City, nightclub in New York City is closed now. But he was like, you know, we were going into the tunnel.

Speaker 2 one night. He was like, and there were drug, there were gang members that were robbing rappers' chains or like athletes' chains going into the tunnel, right? So he said, one day me and Big Pun,

Speaker 2 you know, they're hardcore dudes from the Bronx. Yeah, of course.
So they walk into the tunnel and the gang members are right there with guns at like right at their chest.

Speaker 2 So he's like, yo, run your chains. And him and Big Pun are like, you know, he's like, as much as we want to fight,

Speaker 2 they got the guns in our chest. So like, you know, what are we going to, what are we going to do?

Speaker 2 He goes, and it was like this moment that like felt, you know, like an eternity, but was five, 10 seconds, or all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they hear, yo, who got a gun to my manth?

Speaker 2 Who got a gun at my manth? Now, this is like 1994, 95. It's fucking Mike Tyson.
So, Mike Tyson, they said, walks into the tunnel. He has like four chains on, no shirt on.

Speaker 2 This is heavyweight champion Mike Tyson, and he looks at the gang bangs. He goes, Y'all gonna have to go through me.
Wow.

Speaker 2 And he said, The guys literally put the guns back, just like in the belt dogs of their pants, and walked out.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Mr.

Speaker 2 Tyson. Sorry, Mr.
Tyson.

Speaker 1 Yeah. God, he was.

Speaker 2 And I'm even forgetting, because he told me so long ago. I'm even forgetting like better parts of that story.
But he told, and we, I, the way he had us like in the palm of his hand. Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 And I was like, dude, you should come, you should come do stand-up comedy with me. I was doing a show at Caroline's that weekend.
I was like, you have like a natural gifter.

Speaker 2 You can rap and you can, you know, tell these stories. Like, yeah, I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it. And then he showed up and absolutely bombed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, you're an idiot for me.

Speaker 2 I'm a dumb shit. I just needed extra ticket sales.

Speaker 1 It was 2014. So I put up on my Facebook wall, Fat Joe is coming.

Speaker 1 You have had the most hilarious, fakest. Every TV show you've been a part of feels fake.
Fake, yeah. And has had no impact, no cultural impact.
Zero whatsoever.

Speaker 2 It gets canceled immediately after one season or mid-season.

Speaker 1 Let's run through it. You had that? I didn't even know about that one.

Speaker 2 MLB, I've also been a part of eight pilots, not one.

Speaker 2 So I'm 0 for 8 with my own show ideas. One of my pilots, I illegally put up on my YouTube, my CBS sitcom pilot.

Speaker 2 So you can go to Chris DeStefano's CBS pilot, my Christie Comedy YouTube, and you'll see that.

Speaker 1 You were hoping for like an internet ground swell. Yeah, we got to get this on, and just no one even watches it.

Speaker 2 I got a cease and desist letter from CBS that I violated a major part of the contract.

Speaker 1 So that's what happened there.

Speaker 2 And then, and I've been a part of Guy Code and Girl Code on MTV and MTV.

Speaker 1 Arguably the most

Speaker 2 culturally impactful. However, they dropped MTV dropped the ball on monetizing it on a tour.

Speaker 2 like the impractical at that time the impractical jokers and guy code and girl code were getting similar views but the impractical jokers you know obviously their show is iconic show but they were able to captivate they were able to generate into like a tour a name is that really what you want your life to be no and on a fucking bus with the rest of guy code and girl code on a bus with yeah with andrew schultz and murr

Speaker 1 no i i guy code and girl code at that time you want to be 40 being like, if your girl's got a body count of nine, she's take that bitch to the gutter. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You want to be a grown man to like slut-shaming teenagers.

Speaker 2 Well, dude, even when I wasn't, even when I was like in my late 20s, when I was doing guy code, I was still a physical therapist.

Speaker 2 I was a pediatric physical therapist working with like mentally and physically handicapped children.

Speaker 2 Like that's what I did simultaneously while I was doing Guy Code and Girl Code before I could transition to a career in comedy.

Speaker 2 And the principal of the school, I remember, comes, this is before the internet. Like they had seen it on TV.

Speaker 1 They come in and they're like, oh, it wasn't before the internet, by the way. What?

Speaker 1 Actually, you're right, it wasn't. It wasn't.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying, it wasn't like as rampant. It wasn't like social media.
It wasn't before the internet.

Speaker 1 He went to the library and looked up and got a VCR tape.

Speaker 2 Somebody sent me a slide.

Speaker 2 And no, but my principal of the school was like, this is before I had kids or anything. She was like,

Speaker 2 You know, we understand that you're moonlighting as a comedian, and it's been brought to our attention that you were recently appeared on an episode of a show called Guy Code.

Speaker 2 And I said, yeah, I said, you know, it's this and that. And they're like, that's fine.
They were like, but, you know, you do work with children here.

Speaker 2 And some of the parents of these children watch the show. And you just put on an episode where you're the featured of, and then the name of it is Guy Code to Hiding Your Boner.

Speaker 1 I swear to God. The Geicode to Hiding Your Boner.

Speaker 2 And it was like a whole, we did 20 minutes on that. And they were like, we just don't think that's not appropriate as you're working with children because they're seeing it.

Speaker 2 And now, you know, what the parents have said, they're trying to do some of the tips that you've said. And it's borderline.

Speaker 1 Children are trying to hide their boners guide code

Speaker 1 by following guide code. Yeah.
They don't want to be in violation of international guide code.

Speaker 1 So let's open that. This is a rich vein of discussion.

Speaker 1 Where did you land on the guide code to hiding your boner?

Speaker 2 So I said the guide code to hiding your boner depends what part of your life you're in. I said, if you're in school, it's very easy.
You just wear your book bag in the front. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 That's that's all you did. When Archbishop Molloy High School, all boy Catholic High School, shouted out, interesting.

Speaker 1 If you were where you were getting boners, yes. You were getting boners at Archbishop Malloy.

Speaker 1 Not a woman in sight. Zero.

Speaker 2 It was just, it was just, you know, guys in khakis. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so I remember if you had your book bag on in the front and you were walking through the hallway changing classes, the whole school would just go, boner. Even the teachers would get involved.

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, dude, Patty, we know you got a boner. And so that, and then the obvious classic move is hide it in your

Speaker 2 waistband is the way to go.

Speaker 2 And, and, and then I forgot there was other ways, like, I would pattern pants and things like that.

Speaker 1 But the main thing-an optical illusion to hide your right, exactly. If you want to get scientific with it, so it depends on what you're doing.

Speaker 1 Like, the swirl, like the hypnosis in pants, yeah, or like, or like one of those like lollipops, and then just come lick it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And, and so, I remember, I remember that my principal goes, you know, and you have to kind of choose right now because this is inappropriate.

Speaker 2 And I remember, like, I had this moment where I was like, you know, what my mom, I said, I had my mom on one shoulder saying, you got a, you have a doctor degree in physical therapy, you have health insurance, you're making money.

Speaker 2 Okay, not great money, but you're making money. You need to stay in this job.
And then I had my dad on the other side being like, yo, go live your life.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yo,

Speaker 2 nobody can hide that boner, baby.

Speaker 1 You go live your life. Quit it.
Yeah. Quit that show.

Speaker 2 Quit that job and go do comedy, even though I had no path at the time to comedy. Of course.
And I just, as always, chose my dad.

Speaker 1 You listen to your dad. I listen to my...
The man who made you hide out in Amish Country as a child. Yes.
The man whose life decisions made you wanted in Ridgewood, Queensland.

Speaker 2 The man who caused me and my mom to get very familiar with the Amtrak schedule out of Penn Station in 1989.

Speaker 2 So, so, and that's what I, I, I remember I chose that.

Speaker 2 And dude, for like the first week, I had like, I remember I had like $240 in my bank account Yeah, and I remember like I had quit right and my dad was like you can stay with me like live in my basement don't tell your mother that you quit and I didn't and then and then yeah and I remember that they the for like a week maybe two weeks like no money like what am I gonna do here try was trying to get any gig I could and then MTV came and gave me like an overall deal which basically like was my physical therapy salary maybe even more to like do comedy But then I worked, then I was in MTV.

Speaker 2 I belonged to MTV. So that's when I.

Speaker 1 Carson Daly got to fuck your ass whenever he wanted to. 100%.

Speaker 1 That's how he warmed up for TRL. Yeah.
You had to fluff him. Oh, yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 And then they started putting me on every MTV show because I were just paying for me. And I was on some shows that you've never heard of, like Little Duval's Make It in America.

Speaker 2 You know, I was doing this show and that show. I mean, I was just bomb after bomb.

Speaker 1 Yeah, a bunch. And then you had a weird home improvement show for a while.

Speaker 2 Yes, I had a weird home improvement show, Backyard Bar Wars, which was a great show um and then I uh was on uh was it true TV uh during the pandemic yeah and then I did that and I just you know did they wanted to do season two and I just didn't show up I was like I just don't want to go I don't want to go leave my family again and so that was a problem and then I was on a show on IFC called Benders that was a hockey show that actually Schultz was on

Speaker 2 me and Schultz did that.

Speaker 1 That's a fun show. That was early.

Speaker 2 That was a fun show.

Speaker 1 That was an actual attempt at art

Speaker 1 instead of like MTV schlock bullshit. Yes.
You at least tried to be in a sitcom. Yes, I tried to do that.

Speaker 2 And so that got one season, eight episodes. Then I had another show in Comedy Central called Stupid Questions.

Speaker 2 That was like a, you know, it was like an early days podcast. That's basically what it was.

Speaker 2 And then I have shows that I remember this. Yeah, that I forgot about.

Speaker 2 Like, I don't, I, I've been a part of so many things in the TV side that never have seen the light of day or have actually been on. Then I host, I hosted a show on Vibe.
I forgot about this.

Speaker 2 It was called the Super Maximum Retro Show. And I hosted that two years ago.
And that, the highest views that one got was 10,000 views. So, yeah, I swear to God, dude.

Speaker 1 10,000? Yeah, 10,000 views. Burton Tom got more views than me.

Speaker 1 That's fucking hilarious.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so that one I bombed. And now I have another sitcom in development.
So we'll see what happens.

Speaker 1 What do you do? You are getting ran through by these guys. You know, these executives are just tagging your ass left and right.

Speaker 2 They love it, dude, because they know that I'm just a good little network company boy.

Speaker 2 But you know what the difference is now?

Speaker 2 What I am thankful for, like with the internet all this, is like now I really can and will just say no if I don't like the idea because I'm like, I have what I want.

Speaker 2 I have, you know, I have the podcast. You'll definitely see.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You'll see. Just no one's asking right now.
So you're pretending you're taking a principled stance when it's like, hey, we want to do the Discovery Network wants to do

Speaker 1 Shave My Dog's Dog's Ball Wars.

Speaker 1 Who can shave their dog's balls closer?

Speaker 2 Who can get it closer to the skin?

Speaker 2 I need a host. Yeah, I'm like, Jazz, I got to get it out there.
We need the new roof. You know, like, you want a new tits? I got to just, this is what we got to do, babe.
I love you. I love my family.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I just, I am just whatever Jimmy Kimmel wants me to do, I'm doing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, that one was actually, that was a good TV appearance I had when I hosted his show. I guess hosted his show.
Oh, we haven't seen you since then, I don't think. Really?

Speaker 1 I don't know, Actually, I did guest, did we? We did. I'm an asshole.
Yeah, we definitely talked about it. And I think you told one of these stories already, but that's fine, dude.
Like I said,

Speaker 1 we are here to do a bad job. We didn't do a bad enough job last time, and we've learned our lesson.
Yes.

Speaker 1 We have learned a lesson, and we are not going to say anything funny for the next 20 minutes until this show is over.

Speaker 2 Well, that's what's happened to me now this deep into my comedy career is I've realized I've made up enough stories about my father that I have nothing left to say.

Speaker 2 Yeah, all the ones, all the ones that I've lied about now,

Speaker 2 I just have to kind of, what I'm doing now is just going back four specials and saying, I'll tell those stories. Because there's probably new fans.
Half these people are dead.

Speaker 2 They gave up on me. So now, like, let's do the bits.
I did that last night at the Houston Punchline. I just was running out of steam and my new stuff.

Speaker 2 I was happy with my new stuff, but I was like, okay, now I don't want to. And I said, you know what? Don't do anything from the last special.

Speaker 2 I went back to my Comedy Central half hour and started doing that close. And that felt good.
I was like, I got a different spin on it.

Speaker 2 And then I started to justify it to the other comics in the green room. I was like, hey, you know what, man? It's bullshit that

Speaker 2 we can't do our old stuff. Let's do it.

Speaker 2 This is what the fans want. And it was just because I've been lazy

Speaker 2 writing.

Speaker 1 They're like, yeah, they all work for you. They're like, yeah, Chris.
Yes. No, you're making a really good point.
Yeah, yeah. You're not lazy.

Speaker 1 You haven't taken it for granted.

Speaker 1 You're just putting an artistic spin on it. Yes.

Speaker 2 I was like, you know, you have saying things like Marcus Aurelius said, I'm like, you never step in the same river twice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And you were seeing these jokes downstream.

Speaker 1 Have you, have you, what's your new thing? You always have a new thing you're obsessed with. What's going on? Finance.
Finance. Yes.

Speaker 2 Finance. Now I'm a big guy.
Are you crypto guy now? No, not crypto. Now I'm going back old school.

Speaker 2 Now I'm all about financial advisors and the 1% fees and getting away from them and doing it yourself and really working on that. Simultaneously, that and the Revolutionary War.
Oh, interesting.

Speaker 2 Watching Ken Burns' Revolutionary War, just going. deep diving about what this country really means.
Really? Yeah, and the Native Americans and learning that. But mainly over the last week and a half.

Speaker 2 Week and a it's been mostly finance to the point where

Speaker 2 Jasmine actually said, Hey, Chris, like I noticed you've been really like going crazy with the finance stuff. She's like, Why don't we just set a time once every two weeks?

Speaker 2 Maybe you and I can like go into the backyard or something and just talk about the finances because you're getting like a little obsessed. Like, she was like, You know, my daughter Violet is four.

Speaker 2 She's like, You know, you were talking to Violet about bonds, and she doesn't know like what that means. And it's just like, I don't think you understand.

Speaker 2 And I was like, Well, I just want her to be absorbing it now and understand what a treasury bond is. She was like, I get that, but she just wants to watch Miss Rachel.
And we just got a puppy.

Speaker 2 Oh, we got a puppy.

Speaker 1 That's the new thing.

Speaker 2 That's the new thing. Puppies good.
Yeah, I said, what is what? How can I make my life? How can I put the treadmill to the highest incline? And I said, let's get a six-week-old Siberian husky puppy.

Speaker 2 Husky? A husky dude. They're stupid.
Stupid. The most energetic dog that sheds.

Speaker 1 They're like dickheads, too. They're like mean.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that needs to be walked all the time. It's not going to be hot as fuck.
Hot as fuck, shedding. It's around a Puerto Rican family who needs, who needs it, you know, who's always like,

Speaker 2 the jasmine is like constantly, constantly, constantly freezing when it's like 90 degrees. So now it's like you have this dog that it needs to be 20 degrees at all times.
So I've messed up.

Speaker 1 Why did you pick Siberian Husky?

Speaker 2 In fairness, in fairness, we were getting worn down by our daughters to get a dog when I didn't want to get one.

Speaker 2 I was resisting. And I was like, you know what? I want these kids to be happy.
So I said to Jazz, let's get it.

Speaker 1 Like, we're not going to to stay in a house for four months. We will get a dog.
We'll make it even more annoying to move in the future.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah.
And now we're not able to do anything. And I said to myself, I kept saying to her, if we're going to get a dog, then we're going to go with the best breed.

Speaker 2 We're going to go with the master, the one who knows what to do. And that's Adolf Hitler's Dobermans.
So I said, Dobermans are, that is the dog. They don't shed.

Speaker 2 They are guard dogs, but they also are good with families. This is the breed to get.
And then she has a friend who got a litter of Siberian husky puppies and sent Jasmine a photo of them.

Speaker 2 And then Jasmine said, I'm in love now with that one. Wow.
And next thing you know, this dog is on a plane from LA.

Speaker 1 LA?

Speaker 1 You flew the dog out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, all of a sudden, in my credit card, I thought somebody stole my info in Philly two weeks ago because I'm seeing these pet nannies that I'm getting all these hits and they're on American Airlines.

Speaker 2 I said, what the hell's going on? Jasmine's like, oh, yeah, I'm flying the dog out.

Speaker 2 I was like, what the the hell? And then we didn't really look into it, but now we have this dog. Now the whole family's attached to this dog.
And we see that it sheds.

Speaker 2 It needs to be walked four to five miles a day. It's not good with families.
And

Speaker 2 the main reason why I said, you know what, if we can get a dog, it has to be this way when I'm on the road. At least we have, you know, an extra layer of security, whatever, for my family, you know.

Speaker 2 And now we come to find out these dogs are called alert dogs and they're negotiators.

Speaker 2 So they are not going to, they will alert you that someone is breaking into the house, but they will do nothing to stop it.

Speaker 2 And as a matter of fact, they will make a decision when the burglar comes in, and they might actually leave with them

Speaker 2 because they negotiate what's better for me. So, I got one of the biggest piece of shit dogs you could possibly do.

Speaker 1 You maybe did. That is the worst kind of dog possible.
Yes, unless you're fucking riding the Iditarod trail or whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there was, and as a proud 1776 red, white, and blue American, I got an enemy Russian dog.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It's a Russian dog.
Siberia. You're right.
The Siberian husky. Wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So now I really just absolutely messed up.

Speaker 2 And I actually said to, because she, you know, the dog is shitting and pissing all over the house. It's seven weeks old.
So it literally is a seven-week old puppy.

Speaker 1 It's so fucking stupid.

Speaker 2 So down. You love ruining your life.

Speaker 1 Exactly. You really love it.

Speaker 2 So I found another way to get myself just entrenched in it. But I did say, because my daughters now, especially my older one, she's been like, you know, I want this dog.
I want this dog.

Speaker 2 And now we're like, you know, you have to kind of

Speaker 2 Responsibility for it. And so, so far, she's been pretty good.
But if she goes a few days with zero responsibility, I'm going to take that as an opportunity to say, we mean what we say.

Speaker 2 You weren't responsible for these last two days. So now we're giving the dog away.

Speaker 2 No second chance.

Speaker 1 That's it. And you just fucking shoot it in the back of the head.
You yell her up.

Speaker 1 A healthy puppy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I will say that so far, I was very, not ant, I'm not anti-animals. I like animals, but I was like, I got kids.
I don't want to deal with the dog.

Speaker 2 But even though it's a nuisance, shitting and pissing everywhere, I actually am very connected to the dog.

Speaker 2 There's something in a human, like we're connected to them in a way that I don't think science, or maybe science can explain. I just haven't gotten to that phase of being obsessed with it yet.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right now I'm just busy about the Iroquois.

Speaker 1 Of course, of course.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Dogs are fucking awesome, but I've just, it's too much fucking work for me. And I mean, someday I've talked about it.
I really want a fucking fat bulldog. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I just want, because I like, like in 101 Dalmatians where, you know, they have all the owners look exactly like their dogs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want that fat bulldog with a little fucking little I had a Dalmatian too when I was a kid for three months in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn and this is actually when my dad started this is the very first time I ever heard my father ask my mother if he thought I was gay because my mother let me name the dog the Dalmatian and like if you had a dalmatian

Speaker 2 I named it Cruella

Speaker 1 Cruella which is like a you know like a gay

Speaker 1 kind of thing to to do. Cruella is a gay icon.
Gay icon.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Glenn Close, Cruella.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 my.

Speaker 1 And your own young Cruella.

Speaker 2 Yep. And I heard my dad say, like, oh, who named Cruella? And she was like, oh, your son.
Like, you know, because my parents were divorced, my dad would come get me on the weekends.

Speaker 1 And he was like, he named it Cruella?

Speaker 2 And then I said, yeah. And then he didn't know that I had a small apartment.
And he was like, Lynn, you think he's gay? And she was like, Tony, stop it. He's 11.

Speaker 1 Cruella. And then she was like, yes, I do.
I do.

Speaker 2 Well, no, I just remember thinking, oh, it's a Dalmatian. Like, I could have, you know.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like, no, I'm not gay. I'm stupid.
Yes. I just, I named it after the thing that was trying to kill it in the movie.
Yeah. It's like Cruella hated the Dalmatians.

Speaker 1 That's the whole point of the movie.

Speaker 2 And then in three months, my mom was like, I can't take this anymore. It was like, you know, because she, we also, you know, I was in school, my mom was.

Speaker 1 Well, Dalmatian is another bad.

Speaker 2 For an apartment in the city, and they're hyper and they need to be walked all the time. That's why they're good for firehouses.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 2 We weren't doing that. So the only saving grace I thought is like, oh, I have a yard where I live now.
I'm like, I can let the dog out in the yard. But then the vet said, actually, you can't.

Speaker 2 You can, but Siberian Huskies need to be walking on a trail. They are bred to go 30 miles in the frozen tundra.

Speaker 1 So you need to walk.

Speaker 2 If it goes in the yard, that'll work for like a couple of days. But then once it's explored, all that, that's not enough.
You have to have it go in different directions at all times. That's hilarious.

Speaker 2 So I do feel a little like daunted because you realize, like, oh, now,

Speaker 2 if I want to just pick up with my family and like go somewhere, you can't do that. Yeah.
Now it's like, who's going to watch the dog?

Speaker 1 All that.

Speaker 2 But I don't know. That's fine, dude.
I mean, whatever, dude. My talk.

Speaker 1 If anything, you can just stay on the road. That's your wife's problem.
You know,

Speaker 2 I left here. I came here and like, my, my wife's got the dog.
The kids, and my dad and stepmom are staying there.

Speaker 2 So she's just dealing with all that while I'm here with you, just eating muffins, no care in the world, just getting paid to make fun of Burton Tom.

Speaker 1 Of course, of course, yeah. Yeah.
That is fucking hilarious. Yeah.
That's, I mean, you really picked the shittiest fucking dog you possibly could.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so it's got beautiful blue eyes, though.

Speaker 1 It is, yeah, they are cute. I mean, my brother had a half, half something

Speaker 1 like half husky, and she was great, but she's still, to this day, so fucking energetic. And they literally, they had a kid, and they were just like, they just gave it to my mom.

Speaker 1 So now my mom just has a dog that she'd never want.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And her,

Speaker 1 literally, an old, the dog almost, my grandma, like is hangs out with the dog, and we're talking about maybe the least mobile person on earth.

Speaker 1 We're talking about a 94-year-old, half-senile Greek woman, and the dog just keeps fucking her up and like licking her too much. But they're friends, man.
It's a fun little duo.

Speaker 2 But it is interesting because an old-school Greek woman would, she will stab that. Yeah, absolutely.
The thing is with old-school Greek women, it's like they've slaughtered lambs. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's just like a Sunday.

Speaker 1 No, no. My grandma, one of her first memories is like having a piglet as her pet and just like the classic.
She loved it.

Speaker 1 I think the pig's pig's name was Buncho.

Speaker 1 She loved Buncho, and then they just fucking had him for dinner one day.

Speaker 1 She got attached, and it was like, that's how the world works. It's what it is.
We're eating Buncho. Yeah, well, I mean, I get it.
I get it.

Speaker 2 You know what's interesting, too, about this time doing the Winter Bears is last time we had so many topics that Benson Spoon had prepared. We had videos from Tom and Bert.

Speaker 2 Now none of that has been provided. No, no.
They actually weren't even here when we got to the studio. They were like, we forgot.

Speaker 1 Eldis is doing the boards back there. Yeah, yeah.
Bench and Spoon is like,

Speaker 2 you know, yeah, nobody cares. I mean, they had to call in Nadav.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They had to call him back in. Yeah, they had called him in from Tel Aviv.
It was hard. It was hard to get out.
It was hard to get a visa out.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He was working drones. He was dropping bombs on hospitals.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 2 Nadav left here. He'd rather work for Hamas than the YMH network.

Speaker 1 Social media for Hamas. Honestly, if he's doing social media for a monster, he's doing a great job.

Speaker 2 I mean, the edits,

Speaker 2 some of the things they put out there on YouTube, really great quality, good stuff.

Speaker 2 Which, by the way, that whole piece that I just read on the way, I mean, this is probably coming out a month from now, but I just read that whole peace deal fell apart immediately.

Speaker 1 Oh, I mean, it's a complete lie.

Speaker 1 You want to talk about how we ruined

Speaker 1 their advertiser sponsors? It's me talking about my views on

Speaker 1 the conflict all in the Middle East.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, truly, though, it's like those peace deals are such fucking bullshit.
And they immediately, Israel immediately started fucking bombing people.

Speaker 1 And also, it's so funny that what's funny now is that you thought everyone joked that it's like, oh, I guess the world is run by all these rich secrets.

Speaker 1 And someone's got tapes of them having sex with children. And then it's like, wait, that's literally how the world works?

Speaker 1 Like they lit, like Israel fully has videos of Donald Trump getting snapped off by a child.

Speaker 1 Like 100%

Speaker 1 every time. Whatever the fuck's going on.
Whoever it was on Epsom's Island, they got that in HD. I promise you.

Speaker 1 They got better angles than they have here. They have fucking Bill Clinton double teaming a fucking, double teaming

Speaker 1 14-year-old gymnast with like fucking Bill Gates.

Speaker 1 They got that in 4K. I promise you that.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Lovely.
And yeah, and Nadav is there cutting up the clips.

Speaker 1 And Dav's like, what's the best part of this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's get the funniest riffs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's like, he's like, Mr. Clinton, do you want me to zoom in and out on the subtitles? What are we thinking here?

Speaker 1 Do you want subtitles? Subtitles?

Speaker 2 I don't know if that's great for the algorithm anymore.

Speaker 1 They have the dark web, they have TikTok. Where's just the best highlights of them having rules with strong?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. I mean,

Speaker 2 that is a funny bit that we could do. It's like anytime we're really picking up steam, we just talk about Mom Donnie.

Speaker 1 Just watch the fans just. Shout out to him, man.

Speaker 2 Emperor. Well, it seems like Trump and Mom Donnie had a good conversation.

Speaker 1 That's the funniest thing. Trump is, he's so fucking funny, dude.
All you have to do is be like, hello, smile. If you have the juice and you smile at him and give him a handshake,

Speaker 1 like he's smitten with him. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you see that picture of him smiling at him? It was fucking, it was literally cute. Yeah.
It was like your old, it's like your grandpa who likes your.

Speaker 1 It's like when you bring your socialist boyfriend to Thanksgiving and your racist grandfather actually ends up loving him because he's just a charming guy. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 It was so fucking funny. Dude, well, so, but that is good.

Speaker 2 I mean, as long as they said, I liked when they had the little interview and Trump, they were going to say, oh, one of the reporters said something to Mom Donnie, like, are you, do you still think he's a fascist?

Speaker 2 And Trump was like, you don't have to answer that.

Speaker 1 He's like, you know, he said, you can say yes. It'll take too long to explain.

Speaker 1 It's like, we got it between us. Don't worry about, don't worry about them, baby.
Yeah. And so, and even said, like, I think he'll do a good job.

Speaker 1 It's so sometimes, I mean, Trump really is like, he just, whoever's got the juice,

Speaker 1 if you flatter him and, you know, just shake his hand and yeah if you're if you just stand up to him i think he respects that dude he does and he also he knows who's got he knows who's like doing well yes he's sort of like uh he he knows like he he like if you were a loser and you fucking treated him the same way mom donny did he wouldn't give a fuck yeah you know what i mean he would he would demote you but he sees like his sons you dude imagine how don jr sees this oh yeah he's like you're he's probably he's never smiled at his sons the way he smiled at mom donny

Speaker 1 it's just so funny.

Speaker 2 He's so mad. Yeah, it's like an Austin Powers gold member.

Speaker 2 Scotty, Scotty, and he's just connecting with Minnie Me, and Scotty's like, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Tell him Minnie Me. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, dude, well, that's why, you know, like, obviously, Zoran Mom Dani, you know, first Muslim mayor of New York.

Speaker 1 And the flags, the Italian flags in Ridgewood are flying at half mast right now.

Speaker 2 And listen, dude, all I, for me, I'm about preparation. And I said, you know, we have an incoming first Muslim mayor of New York.
That's why I went to Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 1 Because I said, let me see.

Speaker 2 But it's like, it was a preparation.

Speaker 1 Of course, you got your prayer rugs.

Speaker 2 Got my prayer rugs. I understood what it is.

Speaker 2 And so, yeah, so I'm confident now moving forward.

Speaker 1 I did love that where people were like, literally just, he was like, 9-11 happened and we're going to let a Muslim be mayor?

Speaker 1 People were saying that like it was a real point. It was like terrorists who happened to have the same faith 20, whatever years ago.

Speaker 1 It's like, they were like, they couldn't understand why people didn't have a problem with it. Yeah.
They were like, yeah, we're just, we're racist.

Speaker 1 We can't have a money. Dude, it was so funny.

Speaker 2 Like, my group chat, you know, obviously was like anti-Mom Donnie, of course. So, so it was funny, like, all the guys in the group chat being like, we are defending our city.

Speaker 2 We're getting out to the voting booth. Nobody voted for mayor.
You know what? Even though Cuomo's gay, we're going to vote for Cuomo.

Speaker 2 And then, like, that more, you know, I don't live in the city anymore. So I like texted them at like two o'clock.
I was like, what'd you guys do? How was the, how was the lines long or whatever?

Speaker 2 And everyone's like, dude, I got hungover. I didn't go.

Speaker 2 Then, you know, Patty Patty was like, I forgot I had to do a golf outing in Jersey.

Speaker 1 Like, nobody voted. No, dude.
Yeah, now it's just everyone's mad. Because Cuomo is like a fucking, I mean, it was so funny.
That guy is such a fucking loser. Just like

Speaker 1 sexually harassing people and just being like, and losing and then being like, let me do it again. Yeah.
I want to try it again. I deserve to.

Speaker 2 Well, it's one of those things, too, now, like his political career in New York is over because like to his, you know, to the base that he could get, like the old school, like white guys that would vote for him, all his opponent ever has to say to Cuomo is like, Didn't you lose to a Muslim?

Speaker 2 And then Dubai, Yep, he did.

Speaker 1 I didn't vote for him. But I also grabbed my secretary's breast.
Yeah, come on. So that's one for me.
He cancels out and taxes. I'm just like you.
Voting block. Yeah.
Oh, my God, dude.

Speaker 1 Well, what are you going to fucking do? Well, you know, I'm ecstatic. You know me.
You know I'm Mr. Fucking.
You're ready to go, did you? You got social services. You got a Burke lined up.

Speaker 1 You're the Burke again. Listen,

Speaker 1 I'm ready to have like, you know, well, dude, a Middle Eastern diet will help with your weight weight loss.

Speaker 2 So you can just eat what mom Dony.

Speaker 1 Yes. I'll get some kebabs going.
Dude, just go over to his house, whatever they're doing. I'm going to Islam now.

Speaker 1 It's a beautiful religion.

Speaker 1 I love the chanting, huh?

Speaker 1 You go to a fucking halal cart and it's just like, no.

Speaker 1 It's fucking awesome. Dude,

Speaker 1 I mean, Franciscan chants are pretty good, too. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Gregorian chants.

Speaker 1 Gregorian chants, but I just, there's something about the

Speaker 1 skin.

Speaker 1 It just feels, you know.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude, when I went to Saudi Arabia, the dates, they all had dates and little Arabic tea. I love it.
I brought it home. I started, you know, telling, I told my jazz, go with the dates.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Go with the dates.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I said, cover up a little bit.

Speaker 1 I've learned something from the Emir. Yes.
From the

Speaker 2 beloved Emir. Yeah, as Yanis and I said, well, Yannis says it on the pod.
He's like, you know, the Islam, they have some interesting amenities when it comes to having a wife.

Speaker 2 Don't talk back.

Speaker 2 You can show your eyes, and that's it.

Speaker 1 Well, it appeals to you, too, because they also just

Speaker 1 have sex with men on the side.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 1 They just have like this like brotherhood. Like they hold hands and they kiss.

Speaker 2 TT Jerry, Jasmine's uncle, who did 20 years in prison and all that, he used to tell us that most of the guys he'd blow in prison were the guys who led the Muslim gangs.

Speaker 2 And then he said what one Muslim, this is interesting. They would play the game there.
This Muslim guy was like kept threatening to like kill Jerry, whatever, whatever, prison beef.

Speaker 2 And then he had, he was able, he was also blowing a prison security guard and like sucking him off.

Speaker 2 right so he said to pretty sick to be in jail if you're gay as hell yeah if you like sucking guys off if that's your thing yeah why would you even leave 100 wouldn't you have a great time so he was he was he was sucking off um a prison guard and he said uh to the prison guard like look dude i'll continuously giving you blowjobs but i'm gonna blow this muslim guy who's threatening to kill me can you secretly film it so so well they pulled an epstein island yeah because because the muslim guys you know that it can't be out that they're gay like that of course so he's so when this guy threatened to kill him jerry was like oh, yeah, well, how about I just post that?

Speaker 2 Or how about I just show everyone that and then no more beats?

Speaker 1 We put it on the CCTV. Wow.
Sucked his way out of a business.

Speaker 2 Sucked his way out, which is what he's taught me a thing or two.

Speaker 1 Chris, just in case you ever go to jail.

Speaker 1 Well, I also wanted to say, I forgot to bring this up, but it is. It's the end of the year, which means 2026 is coming, which means people are going to need a new calendar for the year.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 And we have the official Stobby Baby 2026 calendar.

Speaker 1 We have it all here, folks. Great.

Speaker 1 Jack Off Uri. Yep.

Speaker 1 Get Head Brewery.

Speaker 1 Let's skip ahead to Gapril.

Speaker 1 I know you like this one, Chris. So I just want to I want to let everybody know.

Speaker 1 We've gone on here. We talked about Chris's Husky and gay sex.
Yes. And

Speaker 1 we also want to plug our own stuff.

Speaker 2 And also, I want to say, go get that Stavi calendar because I believe, I have full faith in my friend, that 2026 is going to be the last year that he's, it's a heavy, it's a fat boy calendar.

Speaker 2 2027, it's going to look snobby with AIDS.

Speaker 1 I promise that will not happen.

Speaker 1 2027, it will still be fat.

Speaker 1 Maybe by 2029, I'll be in a large. Yeah.

Speaker 2 One of these, you're going to take it too far and you're going to start looking like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

Speaker 1 Dude, that would be...

Speaker 1 My head is gigantic. I would look like a fucking Pez dispenser.
I would love it. It is funny how so many fat people just happen to have humongous heads.

Speaker 1 And when they lose weight, they look fucking dumb as hell.

Speaker 1 Remember Al Sharpton when he lost weight? He was skinny as fuck. He's kind of normalized now.
But he was little.

Speaker 1 He had that mirror selfie where his head looked huge and he looked like it was like a little boy's body.

Speaker 2 Because maybe it's like you just really, like, it's not, you don't mean to be fat. You're just feeding your head.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, just head just needs a little extra energy, but it just goes dispersed to your body.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 2 That's possible science.

Speaker 1 That's an interesting, interesting theory that we will continue to develop and look into. We're going to take a break, and by break, I mean we're going to end the episode.

Speaker 1 And when you see us next week, we will have researched this and we will pick up right where we left off with the fat head theory.

Speaker 2 100%. Go get those calendars and then listen to history hyenas.
We got that. And go to ChristyComedy.com.
I got one date so far in January and it's in West Virginia.

Speaker 1 Ooh, I'm going to West Virginia, too.

Speaker 2 You doing the casino down there? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I'm somewhere in Morgantown. Oh, no,

Speaker 2 I'm in like something falls.

Speaker 1 Oh, wow. Not even the A market in West Virginia.

Speaker 2 No, I'm in a casino in West Virginia.

Speaker 2 So if you can do what you can and please

Speaker 2 support HelloFresh in this podcast,

Speaker 2 I'd like screw bears mightn't be a necessity for me.

Speaker 1 That is true. Yeah, you come back.

Speaker 1 It's you and let's see. What Fat Guy are they going to get instead of me? Yeah.
You and Sagalow are doing this. Yeah, me and Sagalow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, then he doesn't want to do it. Then it's me and Zach and Miko.

Speaker 2 Then they're weighing Bobby Kelly. Like, if you were a little fatter, man, but you've lost too much weight now.

Speaker 1 Wow, that would be the great irony.

Speaker 1 Bobby just gets too skinny

Speaker 1 instead of making a bunch of money podcasting yeah the moment when he needed to be fat he was skinny that would be a that actually would be like uh the greek tragedy of bobby's life yeah the second it was i mean because it's so funny he also is the he literally is the last guy to not use those like as soon as ozepa came out he had already like he'd already done surgery or whatever yeah and it's like that's so funny the last guy yeah and it's funny too having a having a relationship with with bobby kellers you know we've both known for so long like i can just i was just at the comedy cellar and he walked right past me and didn't say hello so now this is like the fifth iteration of finding out what Bobby Kelly is mad at you for.

Speaker 2 And you have no idea what you did, but you just eventually you'll get a text and he'll blow up on you, and then you say, Bob, I'm sorry, and then you're friends again for another two years.

Speaker 2 But the way he walked past, I said, Okay, so now there's a new thing that he's mad at.

Speaker 1 What did you think? What did you do?

Speaker 2 I honestly don't know. I honestly don't know, but I will find out.
And then, hopefully, I'll find out by the next episode and I'll read the text on the show and then get him mad at me again.

Speaker 2 I can't wait.

Speaker 1 Well, thanks, guys. That is episode one of the Winter Bears.
We are here here with you for four weeks, I believe. That's what, so far.
So, and, you know, we'll have some holiday stuff.

Speaker 1 Let us know topics you want us to cover in future episodes. We won't be able to do it.
Of course. And we won't listen.

Speaker 1 These are pre-recorded in an even more hilarious fashion than the last ones were.

Speaker 1 But just we'll pretend we listen to you. Yeah.
Well, in fact,

Speaker 1 let's make up questions for the people asked next episode. Perfect.
Thanks, guys. We love you.
We'll see you next week. Bye.
Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert.

Speaker 1 One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.
There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call

Speaker 1 two bears, one cave.

Speaker 6 This isn't just a game, it's a once-in-a-generation event. The Harlem Globetrotters 100-year tour.

Speaker 6 Celebrate 100 years of high-flying dunks, 100 years of show-stopping moves, and 100 years of changing the game. Bring the whole family and be part of the legacy.
This game is once in a century.

Speaker 6 Be there at Chase Center on January 18th. Go to HarlemGlobetrotters.com for your tickets to the 100-year tour.