Jennifer Aniston

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Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert.

I'm Dak Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Lily Padman.

Hi.

Congratulations to my little friend from down in Duluth, Georgia, comes around the bend.

Oh, nice.

She loved this show show called Me and My Friends.

Her number one pals come down, Jennifer Aniston.

Wow, that was kind of good.

That was kind of not great.

I really liked that, actually.

Congratulations, Richard.

This was a big deal.

Huge deal.

Big full circle.

Humongous deal.

Jennifer Aniston's here.

And all because of you.

You wrote a beautiful letter to her.

Our good friend Melly McNearney passed it on to Jen.

And God bless her.

She read it and she said, yeah, I'm going to come meet this girl.

I know.

So nice.

It was so, so nice.

They say, Never meet your heroes, but so far it's worked out pretty well for me.

Yeah.

Okay, friends, just go with it.

We're the Millers, horrible bosses.

And of course, season four out now on Apple TV Plus, The Morning Show.

She also has the cutest book out now.

Cook with Clydeo.

A cookbook for kids.

Clydio is her dog, Clyde's foreign cousin dog, Clydeo.

So cute.

It's so cute.

And then on top of that, please, Madame, will you demonstrate?

Do your best Vanna White right now.

Okay, so we didn't really get to talk that much about Lola V

in the pod.

So I wanted to give it a little time right now.

She sent all of this incredible Lola V hair products, and they're

really good.

They're top-notch.

They're really good, as you can imagine.

You spray some in your hair right now to demonstrate.

Yeah, I'll spray

the peptide plumping volume spray because

I need a little volume up top.

Okay.

Plumping volume spray.

I hope that doesn't attract the wrong customer base.

It smells so good.

I bet.

And you want your hair to smell good because that's where the pheromones come from.

Sure.

That's where men are nuzzling their noses.

Yeah, exactly.

Getting their nose right in there.

Does it look nice and volume?

Oh, yeah, it really does.

It really picked up the volume.

It's really nice.

I mean, there's there's so much.

She has shampoo, she has so many products, and they're all great.

Well, you want to hear something embarrassing, she sent a box.

I went through it, and I saw there was doggy shampoo.

Oh, she makes doggy shampoo

went to put it away where our doggy shampoo is.

Guess what?

We already buy this product, our dogs already love this product.

Of course, you do.

God, I wish you would make some teeth brushing solvent for our dogs.

Ah, Lola V.

Lola V.

Lola V.

Get some Lola V.

Read, Cook with Clyde O and watch the morning show.

And please enjoy Jennifer Aniston.

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I love you guys so much.

This is so much fun.

A huge mirror.

What's happening?

Well, this is an offering for you.

If you want.

We both dressed for you.

Oh, you know.

Taco Tuesday.

It's Taco Tuesday, so I think that allows for a lot of funny business.

And technically happy hour.

In Atlanta.

That's right.

This is in your garage.

This is in the garage.

Yeah, the old thing is upstairs.

So we used to be upstairs, and now we're in the garage.

I've seen this setup because you were in a different chair.

Yeah, you were

full lazy boy.

We were both in lazy boys.

Yeah, I wore this for you, but I can't go much further now.

I'm a little hot.

Yeah, can I take this off now?

I'll put it back on for picture time.

But do you want to take a quick pic now?

Look at your friends on the screensaver.

Oh,

Claude,

and Lord Chesterfield.

Come on.

Okay, let me both know.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, great.

Okay.

Do you like Babar?

Do I like Babar?

She likes Babar.

She might not know she does, but yes, she likes Babar.

That was like my childhood books.

I know.

Scottish Dr.

Seuss and the Babars of the World.

Yeah.

Remember when?

Yeah.

I saw you say that you like Babar, and I like Babar, but then I started thinking, why do I like Babar?

Like, when I think of Shadows, I don't know the stories of Babar, do you?

Nor do I.

I just love the image of the elephant, but I'm not sure what he did or what he was up to.

I think he was a king.

Because he has a big crown on.

Could you imagine if we go back and we just read...

He was a predator.

Yeah, like it represented all of this awful shit.

I didn't know what that's what it meant.

It's sort of like when you realize that Wizard of Oz had all these hidden messages.

Yes.

Yeah.

Especially if you smoke grass and put on Dark Side of the Moon.

Is he playing backwards?

I think you do a little backwards.

I wanted to do that.

Okay, so one of my questions was going to be, what's your nervous level out of 10?

My nerve level right now is so nothing because i'm just talking with you that's all right good

have you been rolling the whole time is that how you guys do it well we always are rolling

always be recording actually you know what you say right after the hour just say okay let's start rolling exactly exactly action then the nerves will get up and then i'll be like oh and then you'll say joke it was done we we did it

you actually it's like coming out of anesthesia exactly no no no

it's over or like when a kid gets a shot you like distract them it's like we did

Yes, yes.

That's right.

I had a director actually once.

Oh, I'm not going to remember his name.

That's all right.

I don't need to.

Nope.

We'll keep it vague.

We would be talking and rehearsing, and then he'd go, okay, go ahead.

And did you like that?

Took us a minute to know what he meant.

Okay.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Oh, actually, go ahead.

Oh, so start acting.

Yeah, right.

Go ahead and do that.

But he would do it now, like it wasn't a big deal.

He was like, okay, go ahead.

And then walk away.

And then we just go ahead.

I like that because no pressure.

Was this person's name Clin Eastwood?

Is that the name you can't think of?

Marty Scorsese.

Well, I do think I've heard that Hitchcock would say, have you heard this one?

No.

Entertain me.

Oh, wait, yes, I have heard that.

Which is like giving your personality, like I would dig it.

But I could also, people be like, I'm not a monkey here to entertain you.

You know,

oh my God.

I am not here to entertain you.

But I was thinking if you were nervous, I was thinking we could do some transcendental transcendental meditation together.

And then I was curious, how do you sit when you do your TM?

And is this it?

This is pretty much it.

Or if I'm in a chair or if I'm in the back of a car or if I'm on an airplane or wherever it is, the many, many, many locations that I will go into a little if I need to sort of

chill it.

Yeah.

And I was wondering, because I have a couple different friends that do TM as well.

And one of my friends.

Do you?

I do.

Amazing.

I think you and I differ a bit on, it's hard for me to embrace something like that.

It's a little out there for me.

Which part?

It's religion adjacent, even though it's not, as I learned, but there's something metaphysical happening a little bit.

There's like spirituality, but just the notion of spirituality scares me a little bit.

Only because I'm afraid I'm not going to experience what everyone else is experiencing.

Which is actually all that's happening right now as we sit here and speak.

Absolutely.

But TM, I went into a little apprehensive, and it fucking worked the first time.

I was shocked.

Can I ask specifically what worked?

Was it the first time you meditated it worked, or the first period that you were doing it for a while is when it worked?

The first time Lynn came over.

Maybe, do you know Lynn?

I had Penny.

You had Penny?

Okay.

But all from the David Lynch stuff?

Yes.

Yes.

So Lynn came over.

And again, the scary stuff is like we've got some brass trays.

There's some smoke happening.

That's the stuff where I'm a little bit like when all of those pictures, the photo frame came out.

We're paying homage to some deities, maybe.

She gave me my mantra.

And I did it 20 minutes later.

I was like, oh, Lord, I like just experienced a level of calmness and lack of racket.

I didn't think I was capable of.

Holy shit, it works.

Yeah.

This mantra thing is real.

They tell you not to tell anyone your mantra.

I know.

I was going to ask this.

If it goes well, will you tell us your mantra?

Do you know?

It's really funny how they instilled it.

And no one's holding a gun to my head.

Penny's not outside.

No, she's not going to come in anyway.

No, did you just.

But I have a friend who told me his mantra.

Oh, no.

And it's he dead.

We lost him.

It's my test of friendship.

So Dax has never shared his, so we're not quite there yet, but maybe we'll get there.

Yeah, it scared me.

And I was like, normally I am so, I guess maybe punk rock, but I wouldn't tell him mine.

And I'm wondering, what would be the price tag for you to tell someone your mantra?

Would you?

Am I a rule follower?

Not always.

But in this case, I have chosen to commit to this practice.

And if that is the one rule around it, I have no problem.

I don't think anyone would pay me enough money that it actually would take for me to tell them my mantra.

I don't think they'd give a shit that much to pay me a billion dollars because that's how much it'll cost.

Okay, that's the number.

Write that down.

I do think there's something magic going on that I really am afraid to ever say it.

And I think it's funny that I feel that way.

I do too, because you don't come across that way to me.

The truth is, we're all here.

This is kind of wild that we're all here i agree we're all these bodies or we're all made of what atoms this is all energy yeah believe it or not and then there's something that's bigger than us and the other thing that is also so crazy to me is that we are all every human being on this entire planet made up of the exact same shit yeah yeah yeah and yet we have figured out a way with these wonderful brains that we've been gifted by, I don't know, whatever that is.

Gifted and cursed to do what we have done.

And I was driving over here and I was thinking to myself, I just get sad.

Yeah, yeah, me.

Of course.

Right?

I get sad that there's so much

fake and arbitrary difference.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And where does it come from and who creates it?

It's like, hey, man, believe whatever you want to believe.

And you do you.

But at the end of the day, you do think we're all the same.

Yes.

Even if our skin is a shade darker, darker, lighter, lighter hair, we are all made up of the exact same wonderful stuff.

And we're embarrassingly predictable given where we come from.

So it's like we think we have this really well-sorted identity.

And then you go like, well, but if you give me your zip code, I can tell you with like 90% likelihood exactly what your opinions that you've thought of really well will be.

I've been trying to read between the lines as I've watched a lot of interviews with you.

And maybe rightly or wrongly, I have felt like we agree on that.

My biggest thing that bothers me isn't any one of my issues that I also care about.

It's just like, how the fuck do we get out of this?

This is like madness and it's getting worse every day.

And everyone's yelling louder and louder.

And how do we get out?

Everything seems very Pollyanna, any kind of thought you have, but it is.

How do we get out of it?

You say about the spirituality.

I think the reason I lean more towards TM or that world of whatever faith is to me personally is because, you know, I'm Greek orthodox i was raised and i went to the greek church on sundays and my yeah yeah had all of the pictures of the women in black that terrified me and gave me nightmares and her beads and she would talk to the wall of all these people and it's a little morbid It seems it, doesn't it?

But for her, it kept her going.

And she died at 98.

Greeks are doing something, right?

Yeah.

I was christened at St.

Sophia's and they drink the holy water, which is basically mine.

And I vomited and she's like scooping up the vomit because it's sacred and the body of Christ is in there and that's the blood of Christ.

She's like old at that point already.

And so yeah, I was in the car and I had just had wine and bread at like one

or whatever.

I would have thought there might be a poltergeist in you.

If you rejected it, you might be evil

or a vamp.

Hey, who knows?

Who knows?

TBD.

All up for grabs.

That's right.

Life ain't over just yet.

But I want to say something really quick because I think that is the answer because we talk a lot about status here and DAX was the anthropology major.

So in-group, out-group comes up a lot.

Too much, you could argue.

I won't say that.

Wait, which comes up, say again?

In-group, out-group.

What is in-group, out-group?

Because we're very social primates and we're kind of designed to live in a group of 100, that was our in-group.

And the out-group, whatever group arrived, needed to be.

taken very seriously and with a lot of skepticism.

It's not like you could just trust a stranger.

So we have a lot of evolutionary things built in.

We're really immediately good at identifying who the out-group is and identifying who the in-group is.

So we have all this wiring.

When you hear tribalism, tribalism is really in-group, out-group thinking.

So like this political thing.

It's like, this is my group and that's your group.

And we're just stuck with this terrible vestigial evolution that we somehow got to figure out how to get out of in-group, out-group because we don't live that way anymore.

But if we remember that in-group is exactly what you said, we are all one.

We're all the group.

Is that just not as group?

Is it fun?

Yeah.

Is that just not as interesting?

Exactly.

So that's what I think this sort of spirituality or these new age or whatever you call it, super agers.

What does that say up there?

Trying to reach that.

I'd rather maybe get rid of these ages because they're very distracting to people.

A lot of people will be in the middle, like, well, that's when he pulled out the firearm.

Kings surrender fortunes.

No, no, hold on.

You were about to say someone shot you.

Yeah, but what is this book I'm seeing?

But religions, they all had the judgments about who you were with.

And it just felt like if religion is something that divides people based on absolutely nothing factual

about the human being and their heart.

The lottery of what house you were brought home to as a baby.

Yeah, because you grew up in this home and it represented that.

And that's what you learned.

And so that's what you go out and you believe.

And critical thinking, free thinking isn't sort of allowed or it's condemned or fear of God that you're going to go to hell for something.

So don't do it.

Not for me.

Not for me.

Also, you were in New York City.

What age did you?

You were brought home from the hospital to Sherman Oaks.

Yes.

Right around this corner from Casa Vega.

Ooh, I love it.

Very fun place.

I have early memories of crawling.

Mine was enchiladas with cheese.

And for folks who are not from here, crawling on that floor, it's not like you're on the floor of the four seasons.

It's a very active, heavily drinking salsa on the floor, chips, sitch.

It's like Times Square.

Crawling around on Times Square.

Probably good for your microbiome.

You got some germs in there.

Such a strong immunity.

that's right what age did you go to new york i went to new york at six years old we went sherman oaks pennsylvania greece for a year then to new york city oh wow and so you landed in new york city at six so you probably left sherman oaks four-ish like four-ish four and a half and do you have any memories in Sherman Oaks yeah besides crawling on the floor of Costa Van

yeah I remembered the backyard I remember my dad built a pool with his own two hands with his buddy An above ground, I'm imagining.

No,

a real in-ground.

Well, there was someone that, Doug, he was doing a lot of the work.

They were just back there, these guys.

And that was also when my dad was an out-of-work actor.

He had a little time.

Hobby, which leads to why we went to Greece of it all.

And he was a door-to-door sales.

He kind of was doing that stuff.

I drove a tricycle into that pool.

My brother had to save me.

Because I didn't.

And it was full of water or not.

Yeah.

Water.

And we almost walked.

I don't have a fear of water for that reason.

Maybe that makes sense.

What happened in Pennsylvania?

He wasn't chasing an acting role there.

No, but that's where my grandmother lived and my cousins and my aunt, my dad's sister.

He left us there so he could go set us up in Athens with my Aunt Mary and my cousins.

Was he going to work there?

He was going to go to medical school in Greece because he could get into medical school in Greece.

Oh, boy, there's a lot there.

Yikes.

Well, listen, he's dead.

So he kind of told me all of these stories.

You and I have the unique freedom to talk quite honestly about our fathers at this point

yeah i think there's a lot there oh there's a lot that feels so out of the blue to say okay i've been pursuing acting for thirty well not 30 years but if he was 30 i've been pursuing acting for 12 years i'm gonna go to athens and become a doctor feels borderline insane yeah Was he the type

dude that would get something in his head and just chase it?

I wouldn't know because once he really became a person that I was able to sort of take in, he was an actor and he was barely there.

He was like, where's John?

Little bit.

But when we were in Athens, he was going to school.

Okay.

How far did he get in his medical training?

Not far.

We were only there a year.

Did he come home and take your temperature?

No, but we would watch all those shows.

I remember watching a lot of medical stuff while eating dinner.

That's why I love watching some weird shit.

I'm watching pretty much anything.

I love a good surgery.

I love to scrub up if they let me in.

Mom was getting drug along as well.

And mom also was an actor, yeah.

She was.

She wasn't very good.

She'd be the first person to say it.

She was on Beverly Hill Billies, the Red Skeleton Show, all those fun things that people will be like, what?

And she was a model.

And then she became a mom.

Okay.

And so when she had gotten drugged to Greece for her husband's medical pursuits, how was she processing that?

Was she resentful at him?

I would be pretty pissed, I think, if I met another actor and we're going to do this acting thing.

And then I wake up in Athens and you're becoming a doctor, I might feel like a little false advertising.

I don't think they had that sort of, let's go do this together.

They met when she was modeling.

My dad was the roommate of the photographer at the time, and he just thought she was beautiful.

She was dating the guy who owned the chain El Toritos.

Ooh, she should have stuck with him, maybe.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

She says that, said that.

She writes

all the time.

Nothing I love hearing more than that.

Yeah.

Oh, God, that's so funny.

If I had stayed with Mike from El Toritos, we would be on a yacht right now.

But no, I followed your stupid dad to Athens so he could be an optometrist.

And look at me now.

These are all stories.

I'm just remembering.

And then she told the story.

I mean, my dad tells the story about how he just walked into the El Toritos one day or wherever they were on a date and kind of like slammed his hand down on the table and he claimed her.

I don't know if he clubbed him and then dragged her out by the hair or what actually happened, but it all sounded very romantic.

Well, yes, that's right.

That was the version of romance back then.

Yes, claiming.

Correct.

I'd pay slightly more than I'd pay for your mantra to be sitting in a booth by myself at El Torito and watch some Greek man walk in, dragging his girlfriend to confront the proprietor.

Don't even think about it.

She's with me now.

She's mine.

It's so deep because that is

the paradox, right?

Like it is romantic at first when someone's like, I love you so much.

I need you.

You're mine.

And then that's actually the problem that ends up being the problem that they feel ownership.

Yes.

I think they call that narcissism.

That is correct, right?

If I don't have it, if I have to have it, now I have it.

What do I do with it?

Yeah.

Do with this toy?

Because that thrill is gone.

You're not thrilling anymore.

Yes.

You don't validate me in the way you once did.

Now, they go to New York.

This is pretty mind-blowing and impressive.

He was recurring on Days of Our Lives for 37 years.

He was on that show forever.

In fact, the last episode he shot aired like a week after he died.

Whoa.

So he worked right up until that was it.

Wow.

That was literally a wrap on John.

And when you guys got to New York, they made it another three years before they got divorced?

Yes.

I was nine.

So we got to New York six.

And you went to live with mom, which was very customary.

So he found us an apartment, 92nd in Columbus, and $800 a month, rent control, three bedrooms.

She gave it up.

Anyway, oh, no.

21st floor.

It was like, you could see the Hudson River all of downtown.

It was like Sherr's Dollhouse.

I'm saying way too many references and people won't know anything about it.

Are you kidding?

I was just playing with Sher's Dollhouse.

You were the Sher Doll

house that you could take the view in and out for daytime or slide in the nighttime view.

And it was just twinkling lights of the Empire State Building and the East River and the Hudson River.

And that was our view.

Anyway, she let that go.

Where were we?

He set you up in the apartment.

Yep.

And then he just opened up a restaurant while he was shooting.

He was doing Love of Life at the time.

He hadn't been on Days.

It was Love of Life at CBS.

And then he moved uptown to be on a show called Search for Tomorrow.

But before that, he met his co-star on Love of Life.

Oh, it was that scenario.

And then there was a scenario.

A little one of those oopsie moments.

And was your mom outwardly saying, I hate him?

What were you getting implanted with?

Parents weren't taught what I think parents are taught today, which is you be kind, you lead with kindness.

Your partner, you can talk bad about them behind closed doors, doors, not in front of your children, because that is abuse.

Abuse.

Yeah, yeah.

Unfortunately, I do have some today that do that, but they almost just can't help themselves.

It's some very strange.

You have to remember I'm talking about someone's parent at the end of the day, even though they're my ex, this is someone's parent, they only get one.

They get a parent and they get one and let them have their experience with them.

And when they grow up and leave the house and then can create their own opinion from what they've experienced personally, let them have that.

Right.

But up until that point, don't plant negativity because I'm a little impressionable brain.

But you, it sounds like, sadly, I've read a few times, you did want his attention.

Yeah.

I would have given anything.

I'm not going to cry.

I actually just need to take water.

You're allowed.

You're not allowed to cry.

I'm over it.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm so over it, guys.

No, I truly am.

But don't you think there are many things I'm like, oh, I'm totally over that.

I tell that story all the time.

And then I tell it to a therapist.

And then all of a sudden, I feel, I guess, safe enough to allow the emotions to come in.

And I go, oh, wow, this is confusing.

I was certain this had no power.

And here I am quite emotional about this.

And this is a shocker.

And it lived right there.

The question is asked, and then you're like, what?

And literally, like when they talk about those spies that can walk up to somebody and just go like that to the neck, and then the person collapses.

It's kind of like the same thing.

Isn't it exhausting?

There are some things we'll just never.

It is exhausting, but it shows you we're a constant work in progress.

We are constantly, no matter what was imprinted into our neural pathways as children, they're there and we can think we've worked on them.

But just as we experience life, new moments here and there and new people here and there, someone is going to come in and hit a little something

somewhere that you go, whoa, that just made me think of that.

Yeah, that's here now.

And that, I guess, is still to be looked at.

And how wonderful that we have therapy and that we have people that we talk to, a friendship group that we can bounce that stuff off so that we don't flip out.

I don't know about your parents or your parents.

How old are your parents?

My parents are 49 and 48.

Nope.

They are not.

So they are 63 and 70.

63 and 70.

So it's a different generation.

You guys are who's what?

Oh, wouldn't it be cool if it was reversed?

No, it's the normal.

They weren't taught how to process emotions.

They're also from India.

Oh, yeah.

Mine are also immigrants.

So that's another layer on top of zero.

Both born in India.

Yes, both born in India.

Where were you born in India?

No, I was born here.

I was born in Georgia.

No, in this garage.

I was born right here.

This is where I came to be.

This is kind of where I came to be.

She's never left.

Look at you now.

They're Indian and emotions are not to be touched.

Ever.

Ever.

And how do they feel now?

No emotions has really cost them some stuff.

And so I think they've come around, but it's still like we've we've talked about it a lot.

Dax will be like, you need to tell your dad you love him.

And I'm like, I can't.

He'll freak out.

He'll think I'm dying.

He will freak out.

I don't want to kill him.

Yes.

And I called them this weekend about something kind of emotional.

And I can see the panic starting to happen.

And I was like, dad, this is why I can't tell you things.

Yeah.

Because now I'm trying to protect you.

from your emotions.

And that can't be what's happening here.

I have totally surrendered.

It is true.

I'll go like, your dad wants to hear you love him.

Everyone wants to hear that.

I'm wrong.

She's right.

Are you witnessing?

You are right.

I'm right.

I surprised her one time.

We were doing a live show in Chicago and I secretly called them and I said, can I please bring you to this live show so you can see your little girl and how much people love her?

God, see, now that's going to make me cry.

I don't know.

Like, I didn't even say that.

I think of me getting to go see.

So I'm like,

it's a surprise.

And then I'm like, I can't tell her.

If she finds out they're there, she'll recognize how much is happening.

And she'll start getting very worried about them just witnessing her.

Sure.

Be loved on that level.

They did say they were proud of me.

That's the first time I've ever heard it.

It was so cute.

Her dad was like.

Everyone knows her.

He just really thought it was so funny.

People wanted to get her pitcher and stuff.

It was pretty clear.

Had he even seen that before?

That was probably overwhelming.

They were overwhelmed.

For them.

They were very overwhelmed in a good way because all they want is safety for me.

They don't care about any any of this stuff.

I'm sure we'll get to that with you, but all you want is your kid to be safe.

And then all this other stuff, it's proof that I am.

I'm good on my own.

These 5,000 people agree she's safe.

Yeah.

They were relieved for the first time.

That was a gift.

That's a huge gift.

Yeah.

How long ago was that?

Five years ago, probably.

And they said, Your mom and I are proud of you.

Do not take offense at this.

No.

When I've met you, I don't go like child of New York City.

How immersed were you in the quite eclectic and colorful world that was manhattan in the late 70s and 80s were you partaking in the like we just interviewed mark ronson yes he feels very new york

or even the incredible director jordan peel peel yeah yes love you know he's on a block that's quite scary he's got to walk to school and it informs then the rest of the ride that's where i was what was your childhood like being in new york city well we lived in this building on 92nd and columbus but the block between Columbus and Amsterdam and then Amsterdam, Broadway, that was all abandoned buildings.

I was on a bus by myself at 11.

Yeah, exactly.

Can you imagine?

By yourself,

throw your key in your sneaker and see a mom.

In a much different New York.

Much different New York, especially up there.

It started to become Preppyville and Upper West Side and all that stuff, but no, not when I lived there at all.

Oh, you'd have to go around the block.

There's a sniper in one of the buildings, one of the abandoned buildings.

So it was all just normal.

As I got older, I was mugged.

I was mugged a couple times.

Ross.

What did you say?

It's like Ross.

Like Ross.

He was mugged by Phoebe.

Oh,

never forgetting.

Never terrifying Phoebe.

And did you have a lot of fear or did you quickly kind of acclimate?

I oddly didn't feel fear.

I worked at Jackson Hole at 85th and Columbus.

And then I'd walk home at midnight.

You know, it's not a lot, but it's still from 85th and Columbus to 92nd and Columbus at midnight.

And what was your niche?

You loved her and Duran.

Were you in a new wave?

Did you dance?

I danced.

Me and Dre, my best friend, who also has a podcast called Circle This.

Shout out, Circle This.

Go listen to it now.

Pause this, listen to that, come back.

Is she still your best friend?

Still my best friend to this day.

14 and 15 when we met, we would go to Danseteria.

We'd go to the limelight.

The palladium was where we really liked to go.

And not a lot.

We didn't drink.

We didn't smoke.

I mean, we might have smoked the ground.

no drugs or anything.

We just would get dressed up and the amount of aquanet in our hair.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Extra firm hold.

The pink cam.

The blue, pink.

It was like, yeah, yeah.

Throw it all in.

And I would get like the 26-ouncer, like the big boy, where you'd be wrestling that fucker.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And your eyelashes would have to be like

dance on those boxes that were surrounding the dance floor.

Oh, good.

So you were devouring the city as much as you can at that age.

And we could.

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Oh, God, I just watched the Charlie Sheen dock last night.

Me too.

I love it.

Oh, my God.

It's so fun.

And you just go, well, wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All of them.

George Glooney.

Yes, he's in those little videos.

Those videos.

And Penn and Nicholas Cage.

Yes, to find out they were best friends was a real revelation.

And that little friend group and Laura Dern, who was in everything then, and she's in everything now.

It's just wild.

It kind of feels impossible that they were all this little ragtag group.

It's sweet.

When Sean Penn says, I can't believe he said this on camera.

It's my favorite thing I've heard.

Read which one?

I'm trying to know it.

He goes, when people do, men do cocaine, copious amounts, they have heightened sexual desires

while diminished sexual competency.

And I'm like, wow, you said coke dick in the most elegant way I've ever heard someone describe coke tick.

That's so interesting and makes so much sense.

Yeah.

You have no competency.

What a purgatory.

Wow.

And yet they keep doing it

over and over.

In all sincerity, the moment that I realized, oh, we have a real problem was I was at a bar and I was talking to a very attractive girl and things were going very well.

And I was like, I'm going to get an eight paul.

And I was like, if I get an eight ball, I'm not going to be pursuing this anymore.

I'm gonna get an eight ball.

Oh, so did you weigh it out for a second?

I had this snap moment of clarity of like, wow, you're choosing this thing over a girl, which for me, girl was everything.

You really liked this particular girl.

You know, she's very attractive.

It was very fun.

It was going very well.

This is going to be so fun.

Normally, that's the funnest thing in the world.

Right.

And I'm like, wow, we've elevated something above this thing that I previously thought was the most attractive thing we could do.

But that was more attractive and prettier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you were choosing between two drugs.

Yeah.

Yes, my first drug and then my first two lovers.

That's right.

Okay.

So then you went to LaGuardia High School of Performing Arts, which is the fame school.

Yeah.

And fame was on TV when we were kids.

Yeah.

Well, I saw the movie when I was a kid.

I'm sorry.

Was it a magic movie?

And then it became a TV show.

Okay.

Oh, you have to see the movie.

Am I right?

Alan Parker was the director.

It is so magnificent.

All due respect to the television show.

You'll go, what?

What was that?

I mean, the cinematography, the characters, the acting.

What'd I do?

I know.

I wondered too, but it was also looking cute.

It's very cute.

I'm very known for her protective.

I know, yeah.

Your hair is good.

Yeah, she's known for her hair.

You know what?

I had a whole bag of Lola V for you both, and I walked out of the house without it.

So this will be coming to you.

I have hair paste for you, a shampoo and conditioner for Kristen, too, and then shampoos, everything.

I can't wait.

And I have a bottle of Aquanet for for you.

Aquinette for me?

Super extra firm hold.

Okay.

Not animal tested.

No.

No.

No.

Exclusively animal tested.

I think even orphan tested, maybe.

Might have been little children.

I think they went above.

They might have just said, screw it.

Let's hit the kids.

Okay, so was it hard to get into that school?

I was a very last minute get into that school because, oh, God, I was such a bad student.

I'm going to say this.

You embarrassed me forever.

I was a terrible student.

We have this in common.

You're dyslexic, right?

Yes.

Me too.

Frustrating.

I thought I was the dumbest person alive.

If only someone thought to take this young kid who struggles to take him to get tested, they didn't have it then, I don't think.

What I immediately thought when I learned you were dyslexic is you don't have the same chip on your shoulder.

I do.

I've observed you don't have the same chip on your shoulder.

What does it look like?

My chip is like, I'm a know-it-all.

Everyone thinks I'm dumb.

I got to prove I'm smart all the time.

And it's exhausting for you.

I think that's interesting.

I kind of just know what I know and I know what I don't know.

There was a period, though, where I was mortified to walk into a room or be at a party.

I would just think, I don't know.

I don't know how to carry on a conversation.

And the truth is, the best thing to do is just ask questions.

What does that mean?

Explain that to me.

Knowing what you don't know is the smartest person in the room, the person who knows what they don't know.

Listen, textbook smart, street smart.

I could say I'm expert street smart.

My EQ versus my IQ.

Exactly.

So we're doing pretty good.

But when they start writing on the chalkboard, and you knew there would be questions that would follow that, if it wasn't auditory, if they weren't telling me something, they were just writing on that chalkboard.

I was like, oh, man, I hope to God they don't ask me what just happened.

I don't know what the fuck is happening on that chalkboard.

It's like hieroglyphics.

I was doodling.

I was writing little scenes, sketches that we were getting backed out at recess.

Or I'd write a note to somebody and then I would just get real good laughs and I'd be like, awesome.

And then I'd be like, what?

Oh, I'm sorry.

In the hall.

Oh, shoot, bummer.

Yes, in the hallway.

And I'd stand there for the rest of the class.

I was just constantly maneuvering my way.

So I went to performing arts.

This sounds terrible.

I wanted to be an actor, obviously, because that's all I thought I could do.

This could sound awful, but between grade nine and 10, and we were given four books to read.

And I was like, I'm never going to read these books.

I got to go to another school.

Oh,

this is not going to happen.

I got to change locations.

Like you saw those four books.

It's like, I've just been kicked out of this school.

And I was like, all right, so where are we going?

Because that's not going to happen.

This is absolutely not going to happen.

These books are not going to get read.

And I don't have any way to figure out a way around that.

Can't go stand in the hallway around that.

There's no audio books back then.

So, yeah.

Do you love audiobooks?

I do love audio books, but I used to drift and I'd have to rewind.

That's right.

That's part of my dyslexia, though, too, whereas you'd be reading and then I'd go, oh i just read a whole page and i don't know what i read because i'm not comprehending anything yeah and then my mind would wander do you think you might have a little adhd i think i might yeah i don't think that about you but i know my wife is really coming to terms with the fact once i hear those symptoms and how they express in women especially today we have so many things that can distract us yes at once look at this room a lot of symptoms i mean just look at

i don't know if you can see who's behind you guys

They're just taunting you.

There's like some weird word I can't see clearly up there.

It looks like a

no.

You're going to tell me that the only way that you can be on this podcast is to read these books.

You also look like Chris Cornell in that weedy spots for some reason from where I'm sitting.

I'm feeling a little intimidated as well about the books now.

They always

do you audition to get into so yes.

It was like late audition for last minute.

I don't know why.

I can't honestly remember.

Yeah.

You just kind of woke up there one day.

I just woke up one year.

I learned two monologues.

I auditioned and then I came back.

And the next thing you know, I was accepted.

Did it live up to your, I'm sure you had concocted a pretty good fantasy and expectations about what the experience was going to be like.

And did it live up to that?

No.

Okay.

Great.

Well, it moved buildings.

So it wasn't in the olds building on 46th Street, which was half of the charm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was just a big block building.

A soulless building.

It was just thousands of kids.

Oh, it was huge.

Sort of the charm wasn't there but the theater teachers were still there they were also in the movie oh that's nice a couple of them mrs shine mr moody did they appreciate you because the previous teachers were putting you in the hallway did it feel like at least you were kind of appreciated there i was a pre except from one teacher Murat Youseem, who was one of our acting teachers who said I was a disgrace to the theater.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

A little early to make that happen.

Were you?

I probably was.

I think I might have been pretty disgraceful.

I was doing checkoff and people were laughing.

Trying to look for the laughs.

Always.

Always.

Okay, so you make it out of there.

You come to L.A.

You're probably 18.

To L.A., 19.

19, 19, 19.

Oh, I'm 20.

You're 20 years old.

Because I do three years of waitressing college.

And you telemarketed, which is great.

Telemarketed.

When I first moved here, I worked at Jackson Hole.

It was run by the wonderful Greek family.

So I got an off-Broadway show for two months.

They'd let me do it.

Then I'd come back.

Oh, that's nice.

You arrived here.

You had a couple pilots really quick.

You guest starred a few times.

Quantum's Leap.

That's exciting.

That's not the name.

Quantum Leap.

It's not plural.

Burke's Law.

Burke's Law.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You did that.

There's a third one in there.

There's a couple.

I did Molloy.

I did Barris Bueller's Day Off.

The spin-off TV show.

Television show version.

Yep.

Speaking of fame and the spin-off.

So we're keeping a theme.

Now, my question there was: when I came here and I got on TV,

no matter what it was, it was so exciting because I was the first Shepherd to ever be on TV.

And I wondered, how does having two parents that had pursued it, one of them's on TV, how did it impact your excitement about getting on these shows?

There, having been in the business.

Were you thinking, oh, this isn't good enough or it should be better?

Was there already a bar?

Well, the bar was just work.

My dad was telling me, please don't do this.

You're just going to suffer rejection.

You're going to be learning science in Athens.

Yeah.

You're going to end up in Greece anyway.

Just go get a real job.

All the cliche things.

Yeah.

That's so shitty.

You would think at least two actors would be supportive, but no.

Yeah.

Although, I mean, I think some actors today are like, oh, please don't.

I hate that.

Whatever drives you, if you find passion in something and you love it, go do it.

Back to safety, though.

Your parents generally want safety for the children, and it's not safe.

It is not a safe profession as far as like

it's a high risk.

It's a high risk.

Mentally, I get it.

Yeah.

Emotionally.

Let me just talk about Charlie Sheen.

Exactly.

Well, no, he wasn't a kid actor.

How old was he?

Well, he wasn't.

He was young.

He was 20 when Platoon won Best Picture.

Right.

But it wasn't like Bateman on Little House.

That's true.

But he had made, that was surprising to me, and I kind of admired it.

They had made a quatrillion movies, these kids.

Yes.

Charlie Sheen and his buddies.

They really did.

Specialists.

And yeah.

You could go like, oh, Nepo Baby, blah, blah, blah.

But it's like, no, these people have been practicing and were passionate about this since they were little kids.

That Nepo baby thing.

It's kind of annoying.

Well, you know why?

Because here's the deal.

Simon, I mean, look at all the law firms.

Blanky, blank, blanky, and blanky, blank.

I mean, all right, isn't that a version of

the family?

Okay, so maybe you got into a door because you're so-and-so's kid, but if you suck, guess what?

Exactly.

You're not going to continue to do it.

They don't give a fuck after one or two.

No.

No, you might get one or two.

My point is, like, what you're underestimating is you're only focusing on that you've inherited someone else's status.

I get it.

I would object to that.

That's not fair to everyone else.

But what they're not thinking about is like, our children have been to sets many times.

My kids understand about lenses.

I was walking with my daughter when she was six.

She made a joke.

I laughed.

A minute later, she made the same joke.

I didn't laugh.

And she said out loud at six years old, I went back to the well too much.

Whoa.

And I'm like, yeah, that's the house she grows up in.

She has a knowledge of this industry that I had about the automotive automotive industry with automotive parents she knows a lot more and she'll show up knowing a lot more when she's competing with other kids now is that because the door was open for her just she has the skill set already she was privy to having the education growing up in detroit the commercial was on non set was father and son we build them all no one's mad that yeah that kid was probably 10 carrying bricks and helping the dad build houses and now they got father and son construction company yeah okay i'm only going to ask you a single question

about friends that's it

I can't guarantee that.

Yes, I make no promises and nor would I want to because this is her Sopranos.

My thing I found really interesting when I was reading about all this, and I just have such a crush on them, I want to bring them up.

But you were kind of

feeling like you might want to throw in the towel.

You were doing pilot after pilot and they weren't working.

And then you ran into Warren Littlefield at a gas station.

Is this apocryphal or real?

Oh, God, that is true.

Yes, because I had gone to the final stage, go to network, and then I think I definitely said something to him at a gas station.

It was on Crescent and Sunset Boulevard and Crescent Knights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what did you say?

I might have given him a headshot, or I said something like, please cast me, please.

I don't.

Love it.

At another time, I said, will you please give me a washer dryer?

And he wrote that down on a napkin.

As part of your negotiation?

I just kept hearing that all these actors were getting cars and getting these things once they got hired and friends had happened and we were, I don't know, at the upfronts for something.

And I wanted to.

You wanted a congratulatory wash.

He's like, why?

Where's my, what are all these actors?

Why do they get these treats for shows and stuff?

And I said,

treats.

Actor treats.

Actor treats.

These elaborate, these very expensive gifts.

And he was like, well, what do you want?

And I was like, really?

And he's like, yeah.

And I couldn't think of anything.

And I was like, I need a washer and a dryer.

No kidding.

And did he deliver?

Yeah.

Oh, really?

I lied.

There were actually two I wrote down.

The other one was, I had no idea until yesterday that you had been offered SNL.

That would have been impossible for me to turn down.

Well, you know, I always thought I was such hot shit.

The story of that is all very confusing.

Honestly, today

I'd have to ask Lauren because I remember I was in New York City and I had a meeting.

with Lauren Michaels and I ran into Sandler and Spade in the room right outside and I I knew Sandler forever.

You knew him pre-friends.

Yes.

Wow.

Because he was very good friends with Charlie Schlaughter, who played Ferris Bueller in the television version of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Wow, you guys go so much.

So we met at Jerry's Deli in like 1912.

Just before the Spanish Revolution.

Just before.

Right before.

So I don't know why I had this self-righteous attitude of like, I don't know if women are treated the way they should be treated on this show.

It's a very male-dominated.

I would love to be here if it was in the Gilda Radner day.

I mean, this is the brain that semi-remembers things that are back that far.

Yes.

Something like that.

I can't remember, but I just remember friends then happened and then that's where I went.

You really fucked up.

You chose wrong.

You think so?

Oh my God, yes.

Well,

when people say regrets,

I could be interviewing you and I could be going, so you turned down friends for SNF.

And people would be like, that would be the saddest story of all time.

it all works out it works out everything is sort of meant to be do you think that in the middle when something is bad currently are you like it's gonna work out are you positive that way well you have to be it's hard it's hard but you have to then consciously turn towards

what's positive I mean I feel like a broken record we're not designed to take in this much information

it's our brain

we're not designed that way there's way too much information from all over the world within a blip of a second.

Every single bit of information.

No wonder mental illness is through the roof and anxiety.

This is a different time.

I totally agree.

Back to the, when we lived with 100 other people our entire life.

Sure.

You probably would never even hear about a murder your whole existence.

Or maybe there'd be one.

And you can hear about hundreds of murders a day.

There might be one natural disaster in your lifetime.

Here you'll hear about all of them.

You're so right.

We don't have the capacity for it.

We don't.

No, we think we do.

We have this arrogance.

Like, oh, I can handle all this.

I can watch news all fucking day long and not be affected.

I don't think that's true.

I would rather live in the ignorance is bliss.

I understand that.

I need moments of that.

Okay.

I know you have friends' thoughts.

I actually, I don't have friends' questions, really.

I'm just grateful for it.

That's it.

Here's what I wanted to connect the dots on.

Yeah.

So you didn't have a VCR.

And you're obsessed with Laverne and Shirley.

And you used to record audio tapes on cassette tape of the episodes and then listen to just the audio and I was like if I've ever heard a Monica Padman thing in my fucking life oh we have some real crossover I VHS taped every episode of friends this is before the DVDs and I had a whole color coded system

yeah where like each season was a color and I would write the episode on the tape in the right color then there was these pictures with the number of the tape and I had 32 tapes and you know, the finale was the day before an AP exam.

And fuck the AP exam.

I had a choice too.

No, horrible.

I had to watch, you guys were on something after, Leno, maybe, and then Oprah the next day.

I had to tape it all, and I didn't study.

Why would I study?

The most important thing is that

exactly, exactly.

So I probably failed that test.

I feel I owe you an apology.

No, you know what?

It all worked out.

You're welcome.

Exactly.

Oh, my God.

That's the highlight of her.

It was everything

to me.

That's so.

It was such an escape.

I was thinking about it recently because I was like, what?

I have so many reasons why.

But one is we don't have comedies like that anymore.

We don't have shows like that where you do kind of know it's going to work out.

Even though, you know, there's stakes.

I'm not saying there's not, but it is going to work out and it makes you feel safe.

And it brings hope.

My favorite shows now don't have hope.

I love them, but they're scary and you you don't know if it's going to work.

The best shows are the ones where they might kill the lead character.

You're like, fuck, I'm on pins and needles.

Yes, the anxiety is at a distance.

It's the game of thrones of it all.

So true.

It's the opposite of what that was, which is just reassurance.

They can't hurt a friend.

They would never hurt one of the friends.

They won't kill one of the friends.

They won't kill one of the friends.

They won't get hit by a cab.

And when you're like a teenager, you don't know what's going to happen.

Everything's scary.

People are going to make fun of you, but this is a constant.

I can't really explain how important it is with words, but I'm grateful.

I can feel that.

I love that.

I wish you could have come to a taping.

I had a recurring dream that you guys got back together, and then I went to a taping.

And so for a while, I was like, I think I

think I saw.

I think, and then it was

there.

Crazy dream.

Come to the reunion.

That was here, right?

We were here.

I was here.

It was perfect.

I didn't need to do that.

And here we are.

We just were with somebody, Kristen and I, and we were discussing this exact thing.

Obsessed with her show, by the way.

Oh,

have you ever seen a better kiss?

No.

On television?

No.

Maybe you had some, but I might have missed it.

No, none of us.

I don't think anyone on the planet Earth.

I also like, was it the putting down of the cups and all of the things?

Like, were there something just on the beautiful?

It was just this foreplay.

It was a set piece.

Yeah, it was beautiful.

Like, it was a kiss that was actually, they took the time, they made it like a set piece.

It built, built, built, built.

I'm going to fucking die if they don't kiss.

They fucking kiss it, and it's great.

Yeah, yeah, it was so good.

I guess that's the show that's the closest to that feeling right now.

Just like it's probably gonna be okay.

It felt good.

We needed that.

I binged it.

I don't binge things.

Yeah.

And I could not get.

I'm also so happy for my friend Aaron, Sarah, as well.

It's great.

Happy for everybody.

Yeah, they created a cultural phenomenon their first time at bat.

It's incredible.

Thank her for that.

I only had one single question about your movie career, which is

Bruce Almighty.

Oh, mega hit of a lifetime.

Yeah.

What is it like acting on the other side of Jim Carrey?

Does it rattle your own sense of reality?

And like, what is the experience?

Because he is pulling off something that is the most heightened we've ever seen and he is landing it.

I just can't really imagine what it's like being opposite of that.

He's a big kid at that point.

It's quite

enjoyable.

You would think it's going to be, you're like, what do I do?

How do I keep up?

We just had fun.

We just volleyed.

And you never had the sense you were leaving your own tone.

No, because I was the grounding.

He's sort of the whirling.

That guy.

I can't remember his name.

It wasn't Bruce.

Was it Bruce?

It should be.

I think it was.

You would hope.

Bruce Almighty.

I hope so.

I'm really hoping.

Like, I don't know either, but I'm doing reverse engineering.

It's not like God's name was Bruce.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I think it was Bruce.

Bruce.

Yeah.

When you say Bruce right now, it's like, why would you name a character Bruce?

He does not read as a Bruce.

No, no, no.

He doesn't read in my memory as a Bruce.

No, he was Jim probably the whole time.

And then there was Evan Almighty and Evan Almighty Morale.

So he must have been Evan if we're putting the pieces together.

Yes, it's even more proof of his name.

Sorry, Jim.

I did the math on this, and I want people to think about this for one second.

So I was reading this.

article that you were in and they had done the research.

This is not my research.

And they had said,

cumulatively, 2,000 tabloid covers.

Like, that's the total number of tabloid covers.

And I did the math, which is.

I do.

I love math.

See, I failed.

Terrible.

Let me hold your hand and want you to just math.

To help me.

And I'd be like, gosh, can you just figure this out?

I just asked for a washer and dryer.

Was that financially?

Am I winning on this?

He got a Ferrari.

I don't know what model number, but are they calling it?

I got a GE washer and dryer.

2,000 tabloid covers

is a tabloid cover every single day for the next 5.47 years.

I'm sorry.

So sorry.

I just want people to think about what that experience would be, that there's a tabloid cover of you every day until 2030.

Yeah.

It's so out of this world, bonkers.

Yeah.

And you said to that when they hit you with that number, you said, yeah, I took it all very personally.

Of course I did.

I don't know why.

I mean, of course, I know why, because I was a kid growing up.

I'd look at those covers and I'd be like, Really?

Is that true?

A main alien and a hair boy?

Yeah.

What?

An alien?

A hair boy.

Wasn't there always like a hairy boy on those covers?

Yes, like, oh, he's like a Sasquatch kind of a thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe he's a monkey boy.

Yeah, something.

That's so funny.

I think there's a generation now that doesn't understand tabloids.

It's Instagram now.

Is it?

I guess it's the internet.

Way more people allowed access to participate in it.

Not only is the cover there, but then we get to hear what everyone's takeaway from the cover was.

It used to be that there would be a week or two weeks later that you'd open the first two pages and it would be letters from readers.

Uh-huh.

Five little letters of what they thought.

Someone would be like, meh, snark.

And then there was one that was like, loved it, loved it.

And I'm like, ooh, hate it, hate it.

But it would only be like a couple.

It went through some filter.

Sure.

Like they're not going to let something insanely misogynistic land in that letters to the editor.

Right.

And in some ways it was worse because that's the only way people were getting this salacious information was the tabloids.

And now there's a new thing every 45 seconds.

So like you could be in an article, but then tomorrow you're not going to be in an article.

Something else is going to wash it away.

AI is going to come in and then it's not even you saying things.

Exactly.

Like there was a tabloid story about Chris and I that we were swingers and I don't think people even remember that we were swingers.

That's not true.

It's not true.

We could perhaps, under the right circumstance,

you know,

we could send a letter and they can have a very open dialogue about that if the right participants presented themselves.

But see, that's such a headline that you go, that's so ridiculous.

But yours were too.

No, it's true.

It's very true.

Yours were more ridiculous.

Did you ever consider?

Because you have the leverage.

I want to say, we are both so fucking grateful you're doing this.

I think it's nothing but high risk for you.

You don't need any press and we both really appreciate it.

It's such an honor.

But did you ever consider, I'm just never going to do press again.

I'm going to go act in things and they can pay me whatever reduced amount for not promoting it.

Have you had those debates with yourself?

You have.

Right?

All the time.

All the time.

It says, don't fucking bring this up.

Because I actually love to go into a conversation with people.

That's the sad part, right?

Yeah.

I love it.

I love this.

I love watching you.

I love listening to you.

I enjoy it.

I find it interesting.

This is safe.

Do I get nervous?

Obviously, that's just because I do.

Well, and you've been fucking brawny.

Exactly.

There's little things.

There's things that get, even recently, something came out referring to a question that was asked about the Met Ball.

Why haven't you been to the Met Ball?

The answer was simply, I don't know, it intimidates me.

You're not my thing.

Period.

That was all.

But an elaborate answer was created out of it.

Things will always get misconstrued.

But I always go into a conversation really happy to have the conversation.

And it used to be even more so because I hadn't been burned.

And when we say burned, it just means the writer's doing their job to make it more interesting.

I don't think they're intentionally trying to do something.

That's generous of you.

Yeah, that's generous.

Because they are.

They're trying to get clicks.

I mean, it is their job.

It is how they get paid.

Also, to make me sound a little more interesting than, no, I like it.

I mean, you're like, that's that's the answer

but what's the gossipy part of this like that's what they want did you ever go in disguise places no you haven't no have you ever considered that hat glasses scarves that doesn't cut it though no you mean like when they put an actual mask on well so meela and ashton told me they bought a piece of shit car yes like a twelve hundred dollar car yes and they had masks and they'd send their real car out with a friend they'd drive and the poppers and then then they get in this fucking clunker and drive on i was like this is incredible and would they go out into the night or have

they just needed to leave their neighborhood and not get followed and then i assume the masks i doubt they went to el chorito right and ate the whole meal with masks on

that they didn't do that i've done all sorts of things i remember wanting to write a book called stories from the floorboard where i'm getting in the back seat of cars and just sort of maneuvering through and then switching out and getting to a different car i've done that yeah okay i have a pitch for you would you like to go to Burning Man with me?

No.

Yep.

Correct answer.

That is the correct answer.

I didn't hear the rest of the question.

Sorry, go on.

Finish your question.

I don't think it's worthwhile.

Wait, I'm dying to hear the rest of it.

Because you can go to Burning Man in feathers.

You could be an ostrich and I could be a donkey.

Right.

We could mill about and we could see all the art.

You could be completely anonymous.

Yeah.

And everybody else is just like on all sorts of drugs, so they won't even know what's happening.

You get those street smarts, the walking home from Jackson Hole, all that would come up.

That comes back.

I don't know.

Do you go to Burning Man?

No, but I want to.

I think it's going to be my New Year's resolution for 2026.

Really?

Yeah.

I have a lot of friends who I trust deeply and I value their

opinion.

And they love it.

My friend Joy Bryant in particular.

He's like, you can't miss it.

If you're on planet Earth, you must go see this.

She's like, the art is insane.

The things that are happening are wild.

You can kind of pick what experience you want.

There's a lot of different camps you can be in, and they vary in extremeness.

So that's a thing I would love to see.

Why haven't you done it yet?

I don't think I had been pitched so fullheartedly by this very trusted source.

I got you.

And now I'm like, yeah, you're damn right.

I don't want to leave this planet without having seen that spectacle.

Have I intrigued you at all?

No.

No.

Only because my friend group, my girls and their husbands have gone many times.

They went 12, 15 years straight.

So I've seen the photos, I've seen the videos, I've heard the stories, and I just go,

I just don't think think I could.

Not for me.

That's fair.

I also don't love crowds.

Yes, understandable.

But since I was a kid, I don't like crowds.

That's just, I don't know what that is.

Are you the type that can be peer-pressured, or are you like, I made my decision?

I'm pretty, no, cut and dry.

I can think about it, but no, I would never be peer-pressured.

Okay, about the tabloids.

Because of all this, because everyone knew your business, and there was a lot of public information.

How do you feel about being pitied?

Hate it.

Yeah.

There's been so much pity towards you over the years, and it feels so unfair.

It's like, she seems good.

I really just like it a lot.

Hate is such a strong word.

It's exhausting.

That's my most hated, so you know.

Like, if someone pities me, like, so you think I'm weak, that's my number one.

Being labeled the poor anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No point in even trying to rewrite it because that's just stuck.

Yeah.

That's the role they assigned you, and that's what it is.

Probably.

Not much to really undo that.

And that's okay.

Yeah.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert,

if you dare.

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So I've been genuinely obsessed with this AI called Clawed, and I have to tell you about it because it's completely different from what you'd expect.

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So over the years, you took it really personal.

Do you think you have transcended that?

Or is still a little bit?

Like I say at its height, it was a 10.

Oh, yeah,

I was just so upset.

I mean, I would always take, how did this happen?

Or how do we write it?

Because if they give you the heads up, you're like, that's just not true.

At this point, I just don't pay attention.

And I realize it doesn't matter.

We're still here.

I love my work.

I do my job.

I have a gorgeous, stunning group of friends

that know who I am.

And that's all that really matters.

I like your group of friends.

I was learning about your group of friends in my research.

A lot of crossovers.

We do have a lot of crossovers with the Batemans, Amanda, Jason, Jimmy Molly.

Jimmy Molly.

But the two I liked that I learned about was I admire Gwyneth Paltrow so much.

I think she's such a badass.

I just think she's so cool she's the epitome of i don't care yes right

take a page out of her book she's a really good person to look to for that sort of who said it who cares yeah ask yourself is that true right right or even before they would say it is it true first thing i would say is that actual fact right no so then what's the problem the problem is this other part of my brain that so wants to be the get off i know i know those little two voices well i have the thing that'll trap me is i'm stubborn to the point where I like even the going to the Burning Man thing.

It's like I refuse to not be able to do the things I want to do.

Has that increased as you've gotten older?

I think it came out.

It came out that way.

Has that lessened at all?

Have you sort of relaxed out of it in terms of I should not be so stubborn.

I should be a little more flexible.

I've had to because I am in a family and I have these two little girls who have an opinion.

They're stubborn as fuck.

There's not enough room for another one of us to be stubborn.

Chris is very stubborn.

I'm very stubborn.

And now we've got two other stubborn people in the house.

Yeah.

And so, Chris, I think both were like, okay, well, one of the variables has to change in this equation.

It's certainly not going to be these little kids.

So I think that has definitely helped me get over some of it.

What's your sign?

Could you guess?

I would say Taurus.

Okay.

Or Virgo.

I'm Capricorn.

Or Capricorn.

Okay.

He's very, very Capricorn.

Too Capricorn, Monica might argue.

I didn't say that.

Stop putting things on me.

What are you?

What do you think?

I feel like you're like a Pisces or a Gemini.

No, I am not water.

I'm a Virgo.

Virgo.

I'm a double Virgo.

Double Virgo.

In particular, do you see things out of the corner of your eye and you just want to move it?

I'm going to move it.

Definitely.

What are you?

Oh, February.

I'm like, I'm an Aquarian.

Aquarius.

I think that's what my dad is.

We're talking about kids, and this might be a no-no, but I'm curious.

Get it.

You can ask me anything.

Okay.

I froze my eggs twice.

It went very badly.

I did a podcast about it.

It was part of the journey.

It was a whole thing.

And I'm 38

and I am single and I'm feeling like time to start making some big decisions.

It kind of feels like now or never-ish to even try with some of those eggs.

And I'm starting to just feel like I think it's never.

And why?

Because.

Can I ask you a bigger question?

Yes, please.

Are you doing that, the freezing?

Yeah.

Have you always wanted children i've always not known if you wanted them yes so it's not like we had chelsea on that podcast chelsea handler who i know we both love and she's kind of always been like no i don't very cut and dry no yes not my thing i respect it and i wish i had that because it's not that it's very much like oh i'm very close with their kids and it's like oh my god to have one of these that's mine you know you get kind of wrapped up in it but also my life is also very full what you just said about all your friends in your life i have the same thing so it kind of feels like maybe it's okay that i don't you've said you're on the other side of that and i wonder if there's peace there oh it's so peaceful but i will say

there's a point where it's like it's out of my control there's literally nothing i can do about it when people say but you can adopt i don't want to adopt yeah i want my own dna in a little person yes that's the only way i'm selfish or not whatever that is i wanted it but is there the moments of

Well, this goes around into probably a topic I don't really want to discuss, but when you meet someone and you go, God, we would have made some good kids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, of course.

So that might come up and then that'll pass within three seconds.

Right.

Right, right.

And you're like, but guess what?

You'll plan a trip to Mexico.

Yeah.

You'll be on that trip.

Just take a look at that vacation for five minutes and you're like, oh, good night.

Bye.

See you later.

What are we going to watch?

Yes.

It's a romanticizing, but once you are on the other side of it, because it's out of your control.

Yeah.

Just wasn't in the plan.

Whatever the plan was.

Exactly.

I do think some people, though, can't let it go.

Let it go.

I worry, I guess.

That would be me.

Come over and I'll help you let it go.

Okay.

I'll take that invite.

Yeah.

It's a lot.

It is a lot.

And by the way, it's very emotional, especially in the moment when they say, that's it.

Because there is a weird moment when that happens.

Yeah.

It's getting too dark for this podcast.

No, no, no.

But it's like there's a moment when it's actually, oh, yeah, this is not even viable.

Exactly.

So,

oh.

That's probably a blessing and a curse.

It probably hurts really bad.

And then probably you move into acceptance mode, and it probably is liberating on the other side.

Yeah.

Last personal question, and then we're going to end the morning show.

How many dogs do you have?

Two.

Okay, that's nothing.

I had three.

Well, I've had three at a time, and I have two.

And then there might be, you know, there's.

Yeah.

And Claudio takes a bite out of life.

Yeah, Claudio.

is a very cute book.

Yes.

Yes.

And it's about finding your passion and your life.

That's right.

It's my contribution as a dog mom and a mother, whether dog to human, but to the children's book world.

I know you don't read anything, but I do hope you that book I can read.

No, no, no, no.

Do you want me to read it to you?

And there is an I can read book that's also coming out.

Shoo, shoot, shoot, shoot.

That's really good about a neighborhood cat.

Wait, is it a forthcoming book?

It'll be the third.

Yeah, super cute.

I know you're not consuming what's out there in the world, but I kind of do hope the comments Bateman has made recently about your contribution to his kids' lives.

I hope that filtered through to you.

She's so sweet.

You said you're like a coma.

I know.

Really beautiful.

It's the sweetest thing.

And those kids were since that like, yeah.

And now she's in my bikinis,

like really working on.

And you're just like, oh my God.

Why am I having an issue with this?

Yes.

Her first vacation, she was going on a trip to Italy with all these kids by themselves.

And I was like, didn't they pack condoms?

Yeah.

And they both looked at me like, why?

I'm like, are you kidding?

Yeah, pull your ass.

Italy?

Bikini?

Have you seen?

Oh, my God.

It's because the kids are such an active reminder of time.

It's so wild.

Like, it's easy as adults to forget that it's moving, but they don't let you forget.

No.

And they can just chill out.

I know.

We'd love if they'd take a break.

They're going to break down a little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Bump the brakes.

How old are yours?

10 and 12.

Yeah.

Okay, morning show.

Oh.

Okay, season four of morning show.

I'm caught up.

I'm waiting.

Tomorrow I'll get another installment.

You're dealing with a tough one.

You go to interview this athlete.

Oh, they were in your first episode.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And then the father puts in your hand this piece of paper that says, we want to defect.

They're in town for the Olympics.

And you're like, I got to help.

How would you not?

But you don't know that really he wants to defect because he's a nuclear engineer in Iran.

So now this is a very very big geopolitical

switch.

It was.

He a little bit misled you.

A little bit of a mislead there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just goes to show you, pause and think about things

before you just

pump it.

Yeah.

Well, now waiting to see what happens.

Oh, boy.

I can't wait.

Oh, boy.

This show's scary.

It keeps predicting things that happen that are very bad.

I know.

Tell me.

All of it.

Also, the space ladies that predicted.

Oh, well, that was...

That wasn't very bad.

That was the billionaire and their rocket ships.

And then there was the cruise with a mysterious virus.

That was the end of the first season.

I mean, there's also...

There were others.

I'm blanking.

Well, it rides this line of like, it's very much tackling the issues that are happening in pop culture.

And yet it's also fiction.

And then so people are trying to connect dots that don't connect.

Right.

Which would kind of drive me nuts if I were you.

Like you were dating John Hamm, and he was a billionaire who went to rug.

So people are like, oh, that's Elon Musk.

And you're like, my career wouldn't fucking date.

And still, it's not.

You've gone too far.

That's John Hamm playing a billionaire.

Yes.

But your character, I mean, it's not hard at all to draw the parallel between you and the character in that you're an incredibly powerful woman and you are navigating still what is still a very male world.

Right.

The challenges being a woman in the very male-dominated world and dealing with public perception, the private world that's going on behind the scenes.

The price that you can't help but pay.

The drive to get what it is you know you have the ability that you can do.

Yeah.

I am capable of this.

Women are capable of this.

Yes.

So when you've seen these scripts come in, are you so excited and that like, yeah, I can't wait to shine a light on this?

Or are you like, this is a little too close.

I don't want it to be so me.

What's that balance?

I don't look at it that way, actually.

I do look at it in a way of women need to know that they are able to be in in positions of power.

It has happened and it will keep happening.

And this is a version of that happening.

Yeah.

And I love to represent that as an idea that you can strive for.

I guess a better question would be, where are they parallel and where do they diverge?

I'm not as angry.

I'm not as cutthroat.

Fearless.

Interesting.

I don't think I am as cutthroat.

There's a very alive and well people pleaser inside of me that would love to make more swings at some things than I do.

The other fun real life parallel is it's a show about two women.

It's about two women who are both sharing power in a very finite vacuum of power that's available.

And the show itself is a breakthrough in that you have you and Reese, who conventionally would only have your own show and probably be pitted against each other, deciding to come together and be like, no, no, there's room for both of us here and the pot's big enough for both of us.

How did that come about?

We both believe that, that there's room for all of us.

Right.

Actresses should not be pitted against each other because there's opportunity and it's only increasing.

Forgive the example, but it's like Ocean's 11.

No one said, like, well, there's no way we can do it.

They're all too big.

How will we pay them all?

Right.

Right.

Right.

Exactly.

That was fine.

We're like, oh, we'll figure it out because we want to see this.

And they did figure it out.

They figured it out.

They tried to remember what they did.

They might have done it a couple of times.

Just one or two or three times.

I think there was only one female version of that.

Exactly.

We haven't seen that again.

Who approached who?

Michael Ellenberg approached us both with the book.

Were you friends prior to that?

We're cousins.

I'm friends.

Oh, I know.

Oh, no, I do know that because you guys interviewed each other.

It was a battle of the blue eyes.

I was like, whose eyes are bluer in this interview?

My fucking.

Depending on who got the better light, hers are really beautiful blue balls.

No one was suffering in the blue eyes department.

It was like, test your friendship.

This is very talented.

Oh, well, that's the other thing.

We're friends.

We know each other, but we don't wake up together.

Right, right, right, right, right.

I'm not bringing her coffee in bed.

Yeah.

I felt terrible.

She doesn't even live here.

No, she really left all of us.

Yeah, she abandoned us.

She abandoned us.

She's our neighbor now, actually.

She is.

Yeah.

See?

But she's a special gal, right?

I love her.

She is a Spitfire.

She works harder than anyone.

She's Tracy Flick to some degree.

Toe Tracy Flick.

She'll be the first one to say that.

She is fearless.

She will speak her mind.

She's the sponge for sure.

Yeah.

How are you guys, yin and yangi?

She loves to read and learn and probably face tests and work, work, work, work, work.

And I want to go outside and lay in the sun and listen to a podcast, talk to a group of girlfriends, group of friends, have a barbecue, talk about what's going on, listen to another podcast,

and then go to work on Monday.

I don't know if I get to say I'm a little more laid-back.

But we'll

see how they have it comparably interesting.

I'll start in a couple of weeks.

Oh, God.

We'll ask her.

We'll see if this matches up.

You said that you know your value at work, though.

You said, I know my value when it comes to career.

Do you feel that about the other places in your life at this point?

I do.

That's

your hearing.

She's like, I'm not going to fucking Burning Man with you.

Did you hear how easily that was?

She's like, fuck you.

I knew this hurts your feelings.

I don't know what fantasy you've cooked up where we're going to go.

By the way, I'm psyched for you because you are going to have a good time since you are dying to go.

I'm built for chaos.

It arouses me.

Okay, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, did I say say bring a medical kit?

Someone will have one.

No, but they won't.

They're all on drugs.

I'm not.

I'm not kidding.

Please bring a medical kit.

Okay, but they won't be able to find it.

A nice

phone that you will know you can use.

What do they call them?

Yeah, satellite.

Thank you.

Satellite phone.

Okay, I'll bring a sat phone if that makes you feel better.

That will make me feel much better.

Okay.

Because I won't tell you the other stories of other friends.

Sure, a lot of things go down.

But I think it can be tricky, though, because if you have such a big career, you can say, well, maybe that's why some of these other things haven't worked out for me the way I want.

I think that all the time.

I'm like, Well, I have this.

So I won the lottery in this area.

So maybe I don't get these other things.

I don't think that's the smart way of thinking, but yeah, I wonder if you've experienced that.

Oh, sure.

Knowing your value, it's kind of like you know what you know and you know what you don't know, right?

I know where I excel.

Are there parts of me that wish and want to be in some of these other areas of this business?

Absolutely.

Doing other kinds of movies?

Absolutely.

Working with certain other directors?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

But I also find that to be the fun of still being excited about, like, I'm going to go make that happen.

You know, we're not done.

Yeah.

We're not like, and this is where we coast.

We had Jeanette McCurdy on to talk about, I'm glad my mom's dead.

Yeah.

I'm glad my mom died.

Yeah.

I'm glad my mom died.

I think that's a brave role to sign up for is what I wanted to say.

Oh, yes.

First of all, Jeanette is so lovely.

We fell so in love with her.

It's great.

Isn't she just so funny and clever and smart?

She's unbelievably smart.

And the way she channeled that life into that book

and with that humor and sort of the wink in the midst of a lot of pain and suffering.

So she's remarkable.

And I can't wait to start playing that part.

It's been almost two years now that we've had it and I started prep end of the summer.

So that's a character that gets me nervous.

Oh, yes.

That's why I'm so excited about it.

Like I said, it's a very, very brave.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's out of the comfort zone.

If a job is making me nervous, it means it's something obviously that I know will challenge me.

Not that the others aren't challenging.

I mean, certain comedy is super fun, and I've done that for so long.

But it's okay that that's easier.

It becomes easier.

I've been practicing being a clown from the get-go.

Yeah.

It was our salve.

It's what helped us grow up without dying inside.

Yes.

Right?

Yes, yes.

Make people laugh.

Then you're like, oh, bring joy.

That's a good way to ease it, regulate, be happy.

So playing that woman, because Jeanette's mom and my mom had some odd parallels.

So it'll be cathartic in many, many ways.

And we just couldn't believe the amount of stories that we had in common.

Oh, yeah.

It's an important story to tell.

And it'll help a lot of young kids, just parents, adults process life that they've lived.

Okay, I save this as the last thing I want to say to you because I don't think you're going to take it well.

I have to imagine you two have found yourself in these conversations.

They're very fun.

It's like you're sitting around with a bunch of other actors and cumulatively, we've met nearly everybody in the business.

And you kind of go like, who's magic on screen that in real life is magic?

Like, you're working with the perfect example, which is Billy Crudeau.

Oh, I'm like, oh, this motherfucker off screen?

There's only one adjective for that guy.

It's magic.

He is pure magic and committed because he really lives up to it.

Like, if you looked up thespian in the dictionary, you'd see Billy's face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's nothing that matters more to him than the work.

For 10 years now, every time this conversation comes up, I always, always say the person that just completely blew my mind is I thought Jennifer Aniston was hot on screen.

Oh my gosh.

And then I saw her in real life and I was like, oh my gosh, she's like the most beautiful person I've ever seen.

I've said this 150 times.

I think I've said it on here before.

That's so sweet.

I just think you're so overwhelmingly beautiful in real life.

You're my example.

I always give 100% of the time.

Oh my gosh.

I don't even know what to say.

I'm so blushy.

My Mac to the couch.

Are you blushy?

I'm so so impressed.

You're so humble because how many people have said that you are the most beautiful person?

I mean, everyone's said that.

I don't think we all look at ourselves and feel that way.

You know what I mean?

I mean, that's interesting, though.

I think that'd be interesting for people.

You are still blushing hearing that.

Still blushing hearing that.

You said, friends, you had a color coordinated thing, and I'm like, I want to cry.

And I'm still going, what?

Sound means your ego is so

correct.

And it did not have to be.

You could be so off on another planet, and I think most people in your position probably.

You could have been like, No shit, dude, get in line.

Yeah, you're like, Yeah,

everybody.

I agree.

I've been told before.

That's the first thing I've agreed with you about today.

I thought you were going to say to me, Who is the person?

And I was like going, Oh my God.

No, but you and I have dinner.

We know.

We know.

I can't wait to have dinner with you again to tell you more.

We know.

We know.

Yeah.

And you'll forever be my example.

Well, I'll tell you who can blow your fucking doors i adore you i'm so so grateful you came

and i want to of course monica if there's anything

your letter moved me so much i really did for the listener i did send a love letter via molly mcnearney big shout out molly yay malls love her so much and she did send it to you and then i got an email from steven the next day and it was right before my birthday oh and i was like happy birthday to me what a special

so glad that timing happened i know it was perfect yeah very fucking cool of you for reading money's letter and then coming.

I think that's so sweet.

And you know, these are not my, I don't, you don't do it.

This isn't your well, I go, what do I have to talk about?

I don't have nothing to say, but this was so fun.

We had so much fun.

It was so fun.

I felt like I had a really great conversation with two people I adore.

This was so wonderful.

Everyone watch Morning Show is out currently.

It's on Apple TV Plus.

It goes to November 19th.

So if you're not caught up, binge and I adore you.

Thanks for coming.

Adore you too.

Thank you.

So fun.

I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom, Mrs.

Monica, comes in and tells us what was wrong.

New merch coming.

Well, you're already in it.

Yeah.

Limited dip.

So we're working with a new like company, and it's really good quality.

You're liking the quality a lot.

Yeah.

I can't wait to pop some on.

Yeah.

Is that the only color it comes in?

This one, yeah, but we have other stuff too.

Great.

And you got some enormous stonewash jeans on with patchwork yep i think those are new i haven't seen those yet

what i've worn them to this show i mean you've worn them in real life i think i've worn them to this show

i have to replace i sometimes have to wear the same clothes twice you know

sometimes yeah yeah we're on different trajectories like i I put on a pair of pants and I wear them for about eight days.

Yeah, sure.

And then I switch pants.

Now, do they start to smell?

No.

You sure?

To smell them.

Okay, all right.

How many days have you worn those?

Well, to be fair, I washed these when we got back to Nashville after our motorcycle trip because I was about to say these have a thousand miles of open-air road on them, right?

But I did wash them a few days ago.

And did you travel in them yesterday?

Yeah, all right.

All right,

P you.

Oh, come on now.

I'm just kidding.

There's no way they don't smell they don't smell i did have um my prostate examined this morning oh my gosh yeah what happened well i wasn't expecting this um but i had a follow-up appointment with my primary caregiver internist my internist that's right And I thought I was just going to chat.

And then I gave some more blood and some more yan.

And then he said, okay, why don't you drop your slacks and turn on your side?

Yeah.

I want to feel your prostate.

And did you say, I know you want to, but do you need to?

No, I just comply.

Oh, my God.

You never do that.

Well, at the doctor, I tend to.

Wow.

Although that's not true.

No, because he wanted me to get a flu vaccine.

I said, no, thanks.

But then he said, what about the pneumonoma cocamoma, pannonia vax?

And I said, sure, I'll take that one.

Pneumonia, yeah.

The pneumococcal.

Pneumococcal pneumonia.

Pneumococcal.

Pneumococcal.

Guys, why?

I know.

Not everyone has a hard time with it, though.

But Haley and I were just lamenting about this.

Why do all these prescriptions have to have an X, a J, a Z?

It's like they're going out of their way to make it difficult.

Pneumococcal pneumonia.

I think it's fun.

It's like alliteration.

Okay.

Okay.

It seems excessively hard for no reason.

It is a lot.

What's the goal?

To let people know what it is or to like flex with how many letters you can put.

I don't think it has to be about letting people know what it is.

So maybe it's Latin and stuff.

Okay.

Anyway,

anyways, okay.

So, yeah, so I did pee, I did give blood.

Then he went in there.

And

I mean, I had anxiety, but not for the reason you might think.

What do you think my anxiety was?

During the exam?

Him putting his finger up.

Coop.

Yes, like I had gone this morning, but it was not what I wanted because I had.

So he puts his finger up there.

Of course.

What else?

How is he going to my prostate?

I don't know.

But he didn't even ask me, like, have you had a movement or anything?

He just, I guess, assumed I had.

You shouldn't assume some people don't have regular movement.

No.

And again, I didn't have like what I would call a completely satisfactory movement this morning.

Anyways, he went in there.

I guess there was no obstructions.

And he said that my prostate felt tiny and healthy.

Oh, great.

Tiny.

That's generally that's not a good descriptor, but in this case it is.

Okay.

Yeah.

Wow.

Uh-huh.

I just feel like there should be a way to do that without having to stick your finger in there.

Hmm.

Like in 2025.

Although some part of me is like, I love how old school it is.

Sometimes it's as old-fashioned as that.

His finger, my prostate.

Yep, that's the right size.

Wow.

Which I trust more than a gizmo.

What's a gizmo?

Oh, like an ultrasound that looks like a music.

Oh, I trust that.

Then you have the actual image and it can probably be measured yeah yeah just based off his little finger what if his finger it's what if his finger was enlarged and my process just smelled small yeah

relative to his wow do you feel violated today no it was it was fine okay it was really fine and then they he gives you some tissues to wipe your butt with afterwards because there's a lot of jelly oh jelly yeah not just like a random butt wipe but it's a it's an emasculating or something experience to wipe your butt on the side of the table.

Like,

you know, it's,

it's very vulnerable.

That image is rough.

Yeah, wiping on my side.

I felt like a prostitute who had just like, you know, like I was gathering myself up.

Sex worker.

No, I felt like a prostitute.

I'm not calling other sex workers sex worker.

Sex workers have respect.

I felt like a prostitute from the 80s.

Okay.

Wow.

Back when they were prostitutes.

Did you look at the tissues?

It was clean as hell, thank you.

But you were worried.

Yeah, just you're wiping your paw in front of a doctor.

Oh,

I know.

I'm glad you're having the same reaction.

You should leave so that you can wipe.

I'll let you.

I'm going to step out while you wipe.

Yeah.

That's crazy, too.

No, it's not.

It's here.

You can wipe.

I'm going to go do some.

No one should be wiping out away from a toilet is what the issue for me is.

I know.

Wiping happens on a toilet.

Yeah.

You're right.

Not like, I'm going to bring you to the lobby, wipe, or I'm going to bring you to this closet.

No, lobby.

No, he goes to do some, quote, paperwork while you clean.

While I do paperwork.

So, anyways, I think that's all good.

That's positive.

Okay.

The prostate was the normal size.

Well, actually, I think it's kind of nice that they give you the tissue because when you get like a pap smear,

they, or when like I got my eggs frozen, they like you a lot of ultra internal ultrasound.

And they lube the hell out of that?

Yes.

And then you don't get tissue.

And so it's all like gooey.

Yeah.

It's a jelly too

yeah it feels so weird in your underwear

it does

underwear it does yeah wow wowsers oh my okay you've had quite a morning i've had quite a couple weeks but today is my last day of antibiotics which oh that's good i'm delighted about the idea

um speaking of fingers yeah i had another hand injury oh no what happened um it's not as exciting as my other ones right But weirdly, okay, so I get a flower delivery every two weeks.

It's like the highlight of my month.

Yeah.

It's so exciting.

Twice a month.

Yeah.

I have two highlights.

And it's really exciting.

Yeah.

And they came.

How long do they last?

So it depends on the flower.

Normally a week, but I think these are going to get me a little longer.

Okay.

Because the stem is like wood.

Okay.

It's a branch.

Yeah.

It's more branch-like.

And that's good, but also, so you're supposed to cut the ends of all the stems, you know, before you put them in water so that they'll leach up the water.

Yes.

And cutting the branches is harder than cutting regular flowers.

Right.

And I have special scissors.

Packs are.

Well, I probably should have because I was using my scissors and, like, you know, it was like really hard to cut.

Yeah, you need pruning shears.

I have, I have

flower ones that are sharper than regular scissors, but they're not for wood.

I don't think so.

Yeah, right.

Anyway, and I was like squeezing really hard.

And then all of a sudden I was like, oh, my finger hurts.

And I looked and I had this huge hole in my finger and I had a bunch of wood in it.

Oh, you po you poked yourself with the wooden brain.

I guess, but it was so deep.

Yeah, puncture.

My mother always said punctures are the worst.

Oh, she's right.

She would know.

Because she's right, Because I, you know,

yesterday I realized there's still some wood in there.

So I got some out, some more out.

But you can see it looks better today.

Oh, up top.

Yeah, here.

Oh, yeah.

That's legit.

That's a puncture.

My mother would agree that's the worst.

I hate the way it looks.

And then you're liable to get an infection with a puncture.

I know.

So I put neosporin and stuff on it,

but I didn't do a great job getting.

I didn't know what happened.

I didn't know if I like punctured with the scissors or I punctured with the wood or both or something.

I still don't know.

Let me ask you, did your

grandfather, did he, would he just start bleeding out of his hands all the time?

Did you notice that?

No, he wasn't like, what do they call those demons?

No, no.

Stigmata?

Stigmata.

Yeah, no, not that.

Rob, did your grandpa's hands bleed a lot?

I mean, I guess a little bit.

What am I talking talking i'll tell you what i'm talking about when you're a man and you get old your your skin gets thin oh you mean dry and no and you just like you bump nothing like my papa pop was always driving with a paper towel wrapped around his hand because he had like scuffed it on nothing and then it's just gushing blood that's how my dad is now your dad's currently that way yeah well aaron and i have been we've both been noticing that we're heading in that direction where it's just like I always have six or seven cuts on my hands and it's not like I'm not a machinist.

I'm not well.

Are you using lotion?

No.

I think part of it is dry because then it cracks.

It's not dry is not the issue.

Oh, I can't wait for a dermatologist to weigh in.

Well, yeah, and I encourage them to.

I invite them to.

But what Aaron and I were theorizing.

Also, I have a tremendous blister from riding a motorcycle.

Something is my thunder.

I'm sorry.

I am the one with the finger issue.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, go on.

Well, no, I can just leave it.

No, I want to hear about that.

I just want to hear about the blister.

Okay, well, the blister is what's hurting right now, currently, which reminded me.

Okay.

Anyways, I guess it's okay that you talk about the blister because as we learned, it's not as bad as a puncture.

Punctures are the worst.

Okay, because it's your mom.

But we were theorizing, like, let's say that all of this

medical technology is heading where we think it's heading and that we're going to live to 165, right?

Peptides and stuff.

Yeah.

How thin is the skin going to be?

Like, sure, your organs might be good and you might be living, but we were just imagining us at 120 just kind of be like a sieve of leaky blood everywhere

just because your skin what if they figure everything out except for that your skin's getting thinner and that you're just you're you can jog and climb a hit mountain but your blood gonna bleed a lot you're gonna be wrapped in a lot of gauze wow yeah so that's like people aren't predicting that outcome but i'm i'm I'm theorizing that could be where we're headed.

I feel like they already have, you know, skin skin-firming serums and moisturizers and things.

Women have been dealing with thin skin for a long time on their neck and yes, your hands and your face and fine lines.

So I feel like...

But is there a skin thickener, a pachydermer?

I mean,

like, that's what we need to sell you on that.

We need to splice in

just a little bit of elephant.

DNA because they're a pachym.

Sure.

We'll see pachodermis.

And a hippopotamus.

And a hippopotamus and a rhinoceros yes pachyderms yeah we just need a little bit of their dna an infusion of their dna when you hit 130 and that'll really thicken up the skin i mean as long as it doesn't hurt them i think it's fine i mean well they're dumping dna all over the spot right they're just walking it shedding off just gather that yeah gather that because um i mean we're already doing salmon sperm facials and stuff so it feels like this is soon this yeah is around the corner.

But it's just, you know, elephants have such good memories that

I don't want, what if it has like a reverse, what if it has a side effect that like now our memories are even better.

Yeah, but in a bad way, like you only remember the bad stuff.

Isn't that already what you already exactly?

So I feel like I don't want more.

Actually, that's not true.

I remember the good stuff.

I do too.

But I was having a moment, I think, because we were riding in North Carolina.

the whole reason I even know about Asheville

is because I had a stepdad whose parents had retired there.

And we went there for a few days on our way to somewhere else.

And I fell in love with it.

I went to the Piggy's Ice Cream Place, all you can eat.

You know, I had the shirt.

And I just fell in love and went to Biltmore, set off the alarms.

But it's all stemming from Looking Glass False Lightning Rock.

It's all from that trip.

So, of course, while I'm riding through there, I'm thinking, how ironic that I really have him to thank for my yeah my love for and then i was like because i'm currently writing about him uh i was also thinking like how completely unfair your memory is my memory at least is to people who i don't like okay

because all i've held on to is like the 40 things the 40 events

that

made me come to that decision that I don't like that person.

And even if I added up the length of all 40 of those events, i don't know what we'd be talking about three days or four days out of several years with this person who for sure the majority of time was uh innocuous at worst just like present but nothing's wrong and then probably more often they were really nice and to me and maybe even funny do you remember that i don't so are you sure it's real though well it has to be right because we i don't think so you don't think i mean i don't know which one you're talking about yeah but well you kind of do because the controlling one well just i can't i don't want to get sued but the dead ones i can talk yeah well we love one of the dead ones is wonderful yeah love barton yeah three of my

four

dads are dead yeah oh i hated that sentence

i have a lot of dads myself as you know yeah

They're all

alive.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's just put it this.

Like, no one's one note.

No one's good or they're not bad.

He's not evil or good.

There were all these things that made me go, I don't like this person.

Yeah.

I tell you, the side note to that.

As I've written about him and I read it back.

Yeah.

Because I read this section to my kids and then my mom.

I mean, it's a description of me.

It's insane.

What a description.

I know.

No wonder now you're like, he was so funny.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not any self-preservation.

In fact, I'm just owning the fact that, like, I'm reading this and it's like, yeah, oh my, that's me too.

I mean, this could easily be a description of me, which is really interesting.

The

synthesized.

Interesting.

Now, when you do that, when you have that realization, which I think that's a great realization,

and

good self-awareness,

Do you think like, oh, fuck, like I then need to try not to do that because that was pretty, that was pretty unbearable.

Well, I've already had that reaction and I've even shared about it on here.

Years ago, I've gone like, I got to shut up about the sink.

It's like living with so-and-so.

Like, I've already had that awareness.

Right.

But when I just go through the actual, like, the description of like, he was so type A.

He was so routine.

He was like, ran marathons psychotically fitness raced motorcycles drove too aggressively got in front of people everywhere he went um it's really funny and then of course in my mind there's some difference because i think my spirit is kinder and more loving right but just on paper again and that's what helped me look at like well i've listed some qualities about him and then you could list those about me but also my kids might choose to list that i'm really patient and generous or whatever, you know, a whole other suite of behaviors.

Yeah.

Don't you think also, though, I've been thinking about this a lot, like people,

I think especially actually people like him.

I mean, I don't, I never met him.

Yeah.

I probably won't.

You wouldn't have liked him.

Right.

I have a sense of- He wasn't playful and fun.

He was rigid.

And mean.

Like being mean, like it's, I think it's nice of what you're doing.

You're trying to lend some generosity and compassion and understanding and like yes no one is one thing and acknowledging the subjectivity of my memory yeah which is like I've held on to the things that reinforce this opinion I have of this person and I've really let go I'm sure he bought me ice cream a million times that I don't remember once no but like buying ice cream doesn't make up for horrible stuff I guess that's sort of it's like okay yeah there are good moments great

but like because obviously your mom wouldn't have married him if it was all bad moments that's how all of this happens right yeah yeah and then but it doesn't justify uh beating her up or being so controlling everyone's walking on eggshells and wants to die yes like

you know and i guess my other layer of compassion in writing about him is like he suffered the most from this personality type Again, how mad can I be at someone when they're like, he was paying the price of this intensity?

Yeah, you don't have to, you don't have to hold anger.

Yeah.

But you can still have understanding that like, it was good you guys weren't around that for much longer because like that was not a tenable environment.

Yeah.

And it does suck for him.

It sucks that he has to live in that brain.

Like that's really, really hard.

Yeah, that's the thing.

I guess if he was like, if he was loving life and we were the victims of that, I think I'd have one opinion of it.

Yeah.

But I think I'm old enough now to go like, he was a pretty unhappy person that couldn't figure out how to be in jive with with the world around him.

Yeah.

And then he paid the price and we paid the price.

And

everyone.

Yeah, and that's kind of like

humanness.

Yeah, it is.

Stay tuned for more armchair expert.

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Speaking of this, a great transition.

Oh, great.

Without, I hope it's not a spoiler.

So, Beth Stead's coming on October 30th.

Yes, how is there a billboard?

Yeah, New York.

Patreon put up a billboard.

Oh, Patreon did that.

Yeah.

Did Monica buy a billboard?

Patreon did.

It was so cool.

Oh, very.

Okay, so a week from today, which I guess will be

the 27th.

Yeah.

October 27th.

Elizabeth, Andy, and I are going to do a live stream on Patreon.

Nope.

I'm sorry, on the 26th, Sunday.

Forget the date.

I know.

Sunday.

It's a live stream.

Sunday.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

We'll sell you the whole seat.

You only need the edge.

Exactly.

Sunday, the 26th at 3 p.m.

PST.

That's 6 p.m.

East Coast, 5 p.m.

Nashville.

Yeah.

And that's.

4 p.m.

Mountain.

Yeah.

If you're in Mountain, don't listen.

I'm just kidding.

Come, please, come, please come to the live stream.

But listen to it at 3 p.m.

Pacific, not 4 p.m.

Mountain.

Just get the day.

We'll put some stuff up.

You can find it.

But on paid, on our Patreon, Bethstead Patreon, we're going to do a live stream so you can chat with us, ask us questions.

And I've never done a live stream, so I'm excited about it.

I haven't either.

I think we're contractually obligated.

Oh, then I'll practice for us.

We learn how to do it so we can fulfill that.

Anyway, so I'm really excited.

And then that is leading up to the launch on the 30th, which is very exciting.

And that's a complicated story as well.

That's what just reminded me of it.

I'm so excited for you guys.

I hope everyone listens.

Anyway, so come to the live stream.

Check it out.

That's that.

Give it a checkout.

Give it a checkout.

Okay, I have updates from my.

Well, why don't you tell me what happened while I was on this trip?

Okay.

Because I was gone for six days.

Oh, you saw a great movie that I've seen too.

I did.

I saw saw one battle after another.

That is the hardest title for me to remember.

As hard as pneumococcal pneumonia?

Not because I can't remember that one.

Okay.

Okay.

One battle after another.

Yeah.

So,

so good.

I loved it so much.

I saw it at the Vista as it was intended to be seen, Vista Vision.

And do we think that's a real thing?

Yeah.

I know it says Vista Vision.

Yes.

But do you think they just invented that name because it's the Vista Theater?

No, it's called the Vista Theater because of Vista Vision.

Are you sure?

Yes, oh, wow,

they installed a special screen for it there and everything.

It's the way it's filmed, it's a specific well.

I know it was filmed in a larger format, and I saw it at IMAX for that reason.

And I do think they have a 70-millimeter projector there at Vista.

I'm just wondering if Vista Vision was proprietary before

the Vista.

And I don't want to offend anyone.

I'm just going to.

Vista Vision refers to a high-resolution widescreen film format developed by Paramount Pictures in 1954.

Oh, wow.

It works by running 35 millimeter film horizontally through the camera, which uses a larger negative area to capture a higher quality image with less grain than traditional vertical 35 millimeter film.

While its use in full-length features has declined since the 1960s, the format is still occasionally used for visual effects and has seen recent high-profile feature film applications.

There's only four or five

Vista theaters in the world.

Really?

And we have one right down the street.

Oh, I love that theater.

The seats are so comfortable and the spacing so that's what I like: you get a couple feet in front of yourself.

Yes, you can stretch your whole legs out.

Okay, so I saw with Jess.

Now, there was a hiccup.

So we, there was a, it's sold out.

Like you can't, those Vista ones are sold out, but there was availability at the 2 p.m.

Great timing, actually, because then you have time for dinner.

Yeah.

So

we're driving up and I had plans to get coffee from Pam's Coffee, the coffee shop that's next to it.

That's also owned by Quinton.

That's after Pam Coffee, Pam Greer.

And this is notoriously the coffee shop that I thought was owned by a black woman and it was a black-owned business.

And I thought I was supporting, but really, I wasn't.

Right.

Anywho, so it's a white-owned business, as it turns out.

It's a white male business.

So anyway, I was like, planning on getting a coffee, and we're driving up the line.

So at the Vista, there's no, you don't buy your seat, you just buy tickets.

Okay.

So the line is wrapped around three

blocks.

Like it is so fucking long.

And I was like, what is that for?

And then he was like, it better not be for the movie.

And I was like, it can't be.

It won't fit all these people.

This is insane.

And he was like, oh, no.

If it is, like, we can't go.

And I was like,

yeah, I know.

Like, I don't think we can stand in this line.

I don't.

Sit in the front row.

Exactly.

So then he was like, well, you can't sit in the front row.

And I was like, yeah, okay.

Well, here's our plan.

We'll go into Pam's coffee.

We'll kill time.

Well, that wine dies.

Yeah, the whole line will go in and then we'll see.

Like, if

there's only seats in the very front, we won't watch it.

We'll go to Bucatini, the store down the street that I'm really excited about that I love.

Okay.

And Armchair works there.

And I was getting kind of excited about going to Bukatini.

You are now like actually more excited to go to Cincinnati.

I moved on.

I moved on and I was like, ooh, Bucatini.

Like, I'm going to buy this cute little dish there and maybe some pasta.

And then we get the coffee and we do have to end up getting in line.

It's moving at this point, but we do get in line.

And

Jess keeps asking,

he asked like eight people, have you guys been here?

Do you think we'll all fit?

He's like, so he's very worried.

Yeah.

And he's getting verbal about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And this poor guy behind us was seeing White Lady or some other movie.

And I'm like, well, there's a second cinema there.

Yeah, there's two screens.

Oh.

Oh, he said, oh, I'm actually seeing White Lady or whatever.

And Jess said, no one.

one.

So anyway, we get in and it's packed.

There's like some random one seats, but it's, it's hard.

And so we do, we go to the front

and

there are some seats like four rows back.

And we were like, all right, let's try it and we'll leave if this is bad.

Shout out to an armchairy Chris who sat next to us.

He introduced himself and he was so lovely and sweet and loves the show and it was really nice.

Was he single?

No, but that's funny because Jess was like, he's cute.

This is one of those times you got to like, and I was like,

no, I don't know.

And then Jess started talking to him.

Sure, sure.

And then they went on a date?

No.

And then he was like, we just moved here.

And he was like, we, who's we?

He did, he was winging very well.

Yeah.

Well, he's very good at this kind of thing.

And he was like, my wife and I.

Open, open relationship or close?

No,

we didn't get that far.

Anyway,

so then the movie starts and we're in immediately.

We're not leaving.

We love it.

Yeah, yeah.

It's such a thrill.

It doesn't take its foot off the gas the whole three hours.

I know.

And the woman.

Which one?

I mean, at the beginning, his

Tiana Taylor.

Tiana.

She's amazing.

What a monster.

I know.

And then they're like kissing and licking each other.

She's so horny.

Every time she gets in the car, she's trying to fuck at all the crime scenes.

Fuck everywhere.

She's so hot.

And he's so hot.

Yeah.

It's incredible.

It's incredible.

The acting's unbelievable.

Leo's impossibly good.

He's just the greatest actor.

Sean Penn is

absolutely unhappy.

I mean, what a fucking performance.

It's incredible.

The only thing I can think of that is on the same level is D'Onofrio in

Men in Black as the monster who has a monster inside of his body.

I mean, the physicality in the, I mean, that walk he has.

I know.

Oh, I know.

I know.

It's so bizarre.

It's, it's really, it's

so good.

I was just crying at the end uncontrollably.

Yeah.

Father-daughter.

It's interesting to me because I'm, I am a, a big sucker for father-daughter as a daughter.

As we talked about, I have many dads.

Yeah.

The daughter of many.

Yeah.

And I'm a sucker for that.

I mean, interstellar.

Oh, my God.

What a, oh, my God.

I did expect to be slightly more moved by that storyline, but I think it's because there's just so much going on and it's and it's funny and it's but it's like hectic.

It's hectic and you're on pins and needles but um i mean it's still it still got me but i i was expecting a little a little bit more from from that also like it's just so annoying that he still looks like that he still looks so good and that made me annoyed you were annoyed by that and and horny and horny i was both so i think what you're describing is agitated i was agitated you were agitated in your groin i mean i did spend like four or five minutes after the movie thinking about

if it really would be a possibility to get some of his sperm to impregnate my egg.

Oh, okay.

Because they have, so

the baby in the movie is so cute.

Oh

my God.

And it's a mixed baby, not Indian.

Actually, there's a hilarious line about

Mick.

So a lot of the movie is

like calling out/slash parodying these like very extreme

white supremacy groups.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's some, it's like, it's wild and there's some hysterical lines in there.

Yeah.

And I just thought he nailed it.

And I also was like, oh, yeah, he can do this.

He is married to a black woman and has mixed race children.

Like he understands this.

That's also, I was like, I can't believe he's married to Maya.

And they just like are out in the world.

Like he seems so, he seems like such an enigma, like Quentin, that it's like, you went to Ola's with him.

Is that what it's called?

Olga's.

Olga's.

Where he thought he was dead.

Yeah.

You went to Olga's with him at a Greek restaurant in Michigan.

No, no, no, in Austin.

Thousand Oaks.

Oh, in Thousand Oaks.

Yeah.

And weirder than actual either of those states.

Yeah.

And that's just like so weird to me that he's a real person.

Yeah, he's a normal dude.

Yeah, that's so cool.

Yeah.

It made me, it made me feel very grateful for creative brains.

Sure.

Yeah, that's such a unique, singular kind of take on all this.

Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was great.

It was great.

Do you think Maya ever just like looks at him and like he farts in the bed and she's like, how are you, him?

No.

I bet she's not.

I bet she doesn't feel about his art the way you do.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

I bet she thinks he's good, but I don't think like you're, you've infused a little bit of magic.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like the, uh, the world has.

I mean, the world puts him in this, like, you know, legendary.

That's just hard.

That'd be so interesting for me.

I'll try it.

If Leonardo, you know, it's a similar situation if I date him and he gives me a sperm.

Uh-huh.

That you'll be.

And he farts in the bed.

I don't.

Yeah.

I don't think people can be in relationships if they're enamored with one another.

Oh, I agree.

I think they can respect each other, but I don't think they can be enamored.

So, no, I don't, I doubt she's ever in bed thinking like, God, he's so good at filmmaking.

I bet she never, ever thinks that.

Well, no, I guess I mean more like, like, I agree with you.

And actually, I think I'm someone who like from afar is enamored.

And then 40 seconds into meeting someone, it is gone.

Because by the way, who gives a fuck if someone's good at their job?

Well, I do.

There's a respect there.

Their job has nothing to do with your life is what I'm saying.

Like if they're great at their job, that's away from the house.

It's not with your kids or you.

And then you suck when you get home.

Well, yeah.

No, like no one cares about the work because you're not even involved.

Well, no one's preferring it.

By the way, I'm not saying Paul sucks at no of those positions, but it's just like you don't care if someone's good at their job.

What you care about is if, are they a good partner in your household with your family?

Yeah, but you still like you, you respect when someone is good at something.

And you do, you talk about Kristen constantly being like

one of the best actresses, which she is.

And you can see that and respect it and be proud of it.

That doesn't mean.

This is a direct one-to-one.

So I'm never in bed, ever, ever, ever, thinking, God, she's such a great actor.

When you're watching her.

When I see her in a show,

I think, God, she's so fucking great.

Yeah.

And then additionally, I'm happy for her, right?

I'm like, I'm so happy for her.

I'm sure Maya's so happy Paul got the thing in his brain onto the screen so successfully.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

But I guarantee she just never, ever thinks in bed, I'm so glad he's good at his job because you just don't care.

You don't care about I know what you mean, but like when you're watching Kristen together, if you guys are watching Good Blaze, like I've been there and hit and run, we just did, we

run.

Yeah.

So, so you're like,

I do this when I'm watching her on stuff.

I'm just like, God, she's so good.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

And,

and yes, when I am around her as a person, she's my friend.

She's a person.

You're never thinking about how good she is.

No, I don't.

I don't.

But I mean, actually, I guess maybe.

Maybe sometimes even if I'm watching her, she's doing something incredible.

And I'm like, God, she's so good.

I do think sometimes I'm like, it's crazy.

That's the person I know.

Like, it's definitely, it's like, they're separate.

They're kind of, and I can see it.

So I guess what I'm saying is I wonder if she's watching, she's at the premiere.

She's watching this movie.

And she's like,

holy shit, my husband made this.

Like this person, yeah, this person.

For sure when she's watching the movie.

No, this person I procreated with, like, made this.

Yes, for sure.

When she's watching the movie.

Again, the guy farts in the bed, I assume.

He does.

He's a human, and all humans fart in the bed.

You even told me you fart in your bed.

No, like one time.

I already know that you do.

Okay, one time.

But again,

let's say your husband is the greatest accountant in the world.

Yeah.

You're never laying in bed being like, oh, man, he's so good at work.

Because,

again, you're not, that's something he does completely separate from you and your family.

So him being good at that job has no impact on you other than financially.

Yeah, it does.

But if he comes home and he didn't take the trash out and then he leaves his dishes on the thing, it's like, how good of an accountant he is?

No one gives a fuck.

Yeah, I don't know.

I hear what you mean.

And I think you're right, but I still think there's a respect that happens when someone is

good at what they do.

And my parents have it for each other.

I see it.

And they're right.

They respect each other and admire each other.

But the things that are annoying your mom about your dad, she never goes, but he's a great engineer.

No, I know.

But the problem is, is a lot of actors and directors and writers act like in their house they should be being revered as an auteur.

Right.

That's bad.

And they find people who are fans and allow them to act

completely lazy in all departments because they're a genius in this one domain.

Yeah, that's why I don't want to date an armchair.

And it's bad.

No, it's bad.

Yeah.

It's bad for a partner to care that the person's good at the job.

And it's bad for the person who's good at the job to think that being good at the job has anything to do with your real life and in your interpersonal relationship.

I think you're meshing it a little bit.

I think it's, I think it's, I don't think it's bad to be like, my husband or my wife is impressive.

So so talented.

And so talented and not and just

a hard work.

Good.

They're good at that.

Yeah.

And I'm impressed by it.

Yeah.

That's one thing.

That doesn't mean that you're just in full, like, oh my God, I just, I can't, I can't believe how amazing he is.

And I just want to, like, I'll do anything to keep him.

But most specifically, it doesn't get you out of a single thing.

It shouldn't get you out of anything.

No.

I think people fall in love with rock stars because they see them on stage.

And on stage, they're absolutely magnetic in once in a lifetime.

And then they get out to dinner with them and they're just, they're a normal people.

No, I am so, I mean, I could not be in more agreement.

You're actually saying the thing I say constantly, which is like, no one should be like afraid of anyone's status.

Like everyone should,

but those are often combined.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And so like, for me, no, that's one thing they do, but you're in a group of people.

You're a person.

You're a regular person.

Everyone's the same.

and this reverence is dangerous.

Yeah, if Kristen slaps one of our daughters on the same day she wins an Emmy, well, she deserves that because she's she is full of emotion, like it's a lot.

I just would, yeah, I just, I wouldn't give a shit about, yeah, yeah,

anyway, anywho, on do some facts

now.

I want to begin

by saying that we had a bunch of alcohol on the table during this interview.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

People might be confused by that, yeah.

Where did it all go?

Robin made me take it.

Oh, okay, great.

And

that is because you thought she would be nervous and that it might be fun to have some libation.

Is that what it's called?

Yeah, libation.

Yeah, okay.

Libations.

Yeah.

To like, you know, loosen her up.

But when she arrived, you offered it to her and she was like, what is going on here?

I don't even think I got to offering it for her.

She's like, what is who's going to drink it?

Like, she made it really clear that that was sounding crazy.

So I was just like, oh, yeah.

yeah we think we just walked over from a party we had last night in the studio

in the cloud

so no one partook just fyi but it was a nice arrangement i don't mind it as like a a table piece yeah it's like they need to pay us for that oh okay well if we took the labels off i just like the idea of some cocktails and lime sitting out for guests like if i was willing to offer it to her yeah this is where it's not fair i should offer it to everybody well we have a a lot of sober people in here.

Offer to them.

A test of sobriety.

It's a test.

Anyway, that was that.

That was booze.

Oh, by the way, someone got it.

Like, I had said vodka and limes and a lot of limes because I had asked our mutual friend Amanda what's her cocktail?

And it was vodka with a lot of limes.

Yes, this was on a previous fact check where you it was on a fact check and someone wrote in the comments, vodka limes is Jennifer Anison.

And I was like, yeah, people are, they know everything about her.

Wowie, wow.

Wowie, wow.

Yeah.

That's cool.

It's not like they pitched anyone else.

Surely other people drink vodka and limes.

I didn't see another name in the comments, but it was like, bingo, it's Aniston.

Wow.

Yeah.

Good job, that person.

I didn't know.

So I feel dumb.

I'm shocked you didn't know.

What is Taylor?

She likes wine.

Taylor likes wine.

People know that.

She likes sourdough bread.

And she likes sourdough bread.

I put a hot loaf of sourdough bread in front of her.

Well, some people did that while she was on this tour selling.

Oh, they did.

Yeah, someone gave her sourdough.

Is she liking it or not?

She liked it.

Okay, so but it worked, but it's already been done.

It's already been done.

I will give you a ton of water.

What about sourdough saturated in wine?

That sounds gross.

Sounds good to me.

It does.

You do with a fork and knife.

It's kind of like jello shots.

It's also, it's very biblical.

It is.

You eat the bread.

Bread and wine,

the body and blood of Christ.

Ding, ding, ding, Jennifer Anderson.

um okay babar oh yeah i learned all about babar and also i was right he is a king

the book is based on a tale elephant character named babar who first appeared in 1931 in the french children's book

his history of babar okay it's in french such the most appealing title for a kid's book histore or whatever de la babar yes exactly the book is based on a tale that brunhoff's wife cecile had invented for their children it tells the story of a young African elephant named Babar, whose mother is killed by a big game hunter.

I know, it's sad.

Babar the elephant escapes and in the process leaves the jungle in exile.

This is Lion King.

I know.

Visits a big city and returns to bring the benefits of civilization to his fellow elephants.

Just as he returns to his community of elephants, their king tragically dies from eating a poisonous mushroom.

Because of his travels in civilization, Babar is chosen king of the elephant kingdom.

Uh-oh, he marries his cousin Celeste, and they subsequently have children and teach them valuable lessons.

Oh, that's lovely.

It does remind me of my favorite book of that nature, which is Lefkado the Lion by Shel Silverstein.

Have you ever, speaking of Becoming Tree, Shel Silverstein?

Right.

Lofkado the Lion, no?

No.

There are some hunters out on the...

He's a lion.

Yeah.

And

somehow they scare off these hunters and they leave one of their rifles behind.

Okay.

And Lefkado starts learning to shoot the rifle and he's like incredible at it.

And he spins it on his tail.

Lefkadio.

Lefkado the lion.

Lefkadio the lion, huh?

We always in my house said Lefkado.

Oh.

But

yeah, that's unfortunate.

Anyways.

So he becomes a real, what do they call it, a crack shot.

Oh.

And then he gets famous.

And then someone sees him.

Then they bring him to the big city and then he gets rich.

It's kind of like Sid Arthur.

He goes to the big city.

He loves marshmallows.

That's his favorite thing he's discovered of the human world: marshmallows.

He's eating way too many marshmallows.

He's rich and he just gets to.

Yes, he wears furs now and he likes to spends a thing, but he's lazy about it and he barely cares when he's putting on a show.

And then he's got to return home eventually.

It is, it's Sid Arthur.

I don't know if Shell.

This is your whole story.

Your Lucadio.

You think so?

Levcadio?

Levcadio.

La Lion is shot back.

Levcatio.

At least he's taking a little dump.

Yeah, that is you.

He's got a Catherine.

He might have his catheter in him.

Shell Silverstein is full of like

tales.

And he's got a perverted book.

I used to love it.

There's this huge, tall book that was in our thing.

And I remember removing it.

I was like, I was being naughty when I would look through that one.

We forgot to ask her about 11-11.

That was a huge mistake.

Yeah, we fucked up.

I know.

I'm upset about that.

I didn't even even see on her wrist if that was there.

Exactly.

I didn't either.

I wonder if that was like a temp for a movie.

Maybe.

We don't, we'll never know until she comes back.

We could know, but I don't know.

No, we have to wait till she comes back.

I'll send her another letter.

Okay.

I wonder if it will work the second time.

Okay.

Share's dollhouse.

Share the pop star or...

That's what, yeah, I think.

I'm also kind of confused by this.

So you

fill your little shared dressing room with many little pink hangers of many little shared doll fits.

Um,

they were designed either from Bob Mackey, or maybe like in her sunny and shared days, she had a line of toys or something.

Yeah, I think so.

Also, ding, ding, ding, Bob Mackey designed a lot of the outfits that Taylor is wearing in Life of a Showgirl.

Oh my goodness, I know,

I know, wow, wow, wow.

Um, Alan Parker did direct fame, she was right about that.

Bruce Almighty, his name is Bruce.

Yeah, thank God.

The big mystery.

Jim Carrey's name was Bruce.

That shouldn't have been so hard for us to accept immediately.

I know.

He just doesn't look like a Bruce.

But look, we don't always match our names.

No.

Although very few people don't.

Well, I'll tell you one that's not, they have the right name, but someone was using an iteration of it.

Uh-huh.

That was insane to me.

Okay.

I was talking to somebody who knew.

Sorry, that's what you're doing.

You rascally with the monitor.

Yeah, I was running.

I was talking to someone yesterday who knows Eric.

Uh-huh.

Our good friend, Eric.

Yes.

And he was like, Yeah, E's crazy.

And I was like, oh, no, that's not.

That doesn't sound right.

For Eric, that doesn't work at all.

You can't, he's not like a B-boy where you can be like, oh, fucking E, to see

well maybe to that guy he was he used to do a lot of drugs no but he's never had a b-boy vibe he's never a b-boy

basketball boy like a boy who's into hip-hop and he's got the hat you might you know like like uh entourage all those guys or the mark mark wahlberg's whole world his name was e on on there you go there there it is oh yeah but but for eric i was like no we can't We can't assign him E.

That's right.

Gosh, this is a good question, though.

I can't think of anyone we know that has really the wrong name.

I guess you're right.

I'll report back.

I'm going to think on this.

Yeah.

The problem is we knew

Jim

before

we knew the word Bruce.

Now, if he had always been Bruce Carey, if we had met him as Bruce Carey, it might have been fine.

Bruce Carey?

He's good.

Bruce Carey.

Yeah.

What were we watching last night?

Oh, we were watching Jim Bond.

007.

I introduced the kids to 007 and they like it, which I'm so excited because there's 35 007s.

Right.

Six different actors that play him.

Yeah.

But I kept calling him Jim Bond the whole time, which sounds insane, right?

Right.

Jim Bond.

Jim Bond.

Huh.

Because now even like Tom Cruise, like Tom Thomas, Thomas is.

Thomas Cruz sounds crazy.

Yeah.

People, yeah.

We kept going,

me and the girls were like, who wins in a fight between Jim Bond, specifically Daniel Craig, because he's such a beast.

Yeah.

So he's got the body on Ethan Hunt, Mission Impossible.

But the girls decided Ethan had more moves.

And I think I agree.

I think in a battle to the death between Jim Bond and Ethan

that Ethan wins that fight.

Okay.

But Jim looks way better doing it.

Okay.

If people call him Dan, that doesn't work.

Dani Craig.

I don't like like that.

Now we're getting close to Danny.

Danny.

Jenny Craig.

Then it's the discount food or not discount.

I don't think it's discounted calories.

Okay.

Oh, some of the things the morning show predicted or like was kind of like right ahead of.

Yeah, billionaire space race.

Me too.

It wasn't really,

I think it was.

They didn't predict it, but.

It came after Matt Lauer.

The whole thing is like people thought was about Matt Lauer, right?

So I predict

we're fast and loose with predictive.

Well, the no, the first season of the show, which premiered in 2019, yeah, focused on the immediate fallout after co-anchor Mitch Kessler was fired for sexual misconduct.

But was it me to 2020?

Or was it not?

Was it not?

It was earlier.

Okay.

And Matt Lauer was probably

18?

Maybe.

Okay.

But they filmed this in 2013.

So it predicted.

Oh, and they delayed it for six years?

Yeah.

Oh.

What year was Matt Lauer?

Rascal?

2017.

Oh.

17.

Okay.

So they predicted it had happened two years before.

Okay, COVID.

Okay.

And some other stuff.

Oh, war in Ukraine and catastrophic floods in Eastern Australia.

And we're sure that, again, that those

happened.

Yeah, those before.

They wrote it before.

Okay.

Sorry, my memory is spray malfunction.

Yeah, it's on your lip.

You have spray on your lip.

All right.

Well, that's it for one of the loves of my life.

All right.

Love you.

Love you.

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