Cheers Bitches - Extra Dirty with Hallie Batchelder

Daddy gang, what's up fuckers? It is your father. I am here to feed you.
You guys are always asking for more content. And so I present to you another podcast, episode one of Extra Dirty.
You guys just listened to Hallie Batchelder on Call Her Daddy and now she's officially launching her own podcast. I am so excited for you guys to go on this journey with Hallie.
I am obsessed with her. She has the craziest stories.
She lives in New York City, and I just know it is about to be a wild ride. So enjoy, sit back, relax, and maybe have a cocktail for this one.
Listen to the first episode of Extra Dirty. Enjoy.
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Hi, my little fucking freaks.

We're having a little talk.

Okay, guys, I'm doing something really fucking stupid right now.

We have an emergency debrief situation.

Hi, this is Hallie from the streets of New York.

Guys, I had every intention of staying in last night. Welcome to my podcast.
Welcome to Extra Dirty. I'm so fucking excited to be here with you guys.
I know it's taken a minute. I know it's taken a long minute.
But guys, perfection takes time. I was going to come out with something that's like fucking shitty.
And like I would have to redo and like it was kind of ass, like whatever. I wanted this to be perfect for you guys.
Like I was just being a woman of the people at this point. Okay.
This podcast is going to be so graphic, so horrendous, so dirty, so slutty. You're going to look at me so differently.
Please keep your AirPods on when you're listening to this podcast. I will say, do not listen to it at church.
Do not listen to it at a classroom. Do not listen to it in front of your parents unless your dad is single.
Please, for the love of God, strap in. We're going to have a fucking fun time.
I'm so happy to be here. It's going to be epic.
I like might get canceled. Okay.
But if I do get canceled, guys, I want to be canceled for like a really hot controversial like athlete or maybe some like hedge fund guy that's gotten arrested. I don't know, like something interesting, but like not too deep.
We'll get into that later. But anyways, welcome to extra dirty.
This podcast will not only be extra dirty, but probably most of the time I'll be still like living on the fumes of my night before as I have consumed like 100 extra dirty martinis. Like they'll still be in my system as I sit here and talk to you guys.
If you guys don't know me, you know, I kind of just like fell into social media. I started posting on TikTok like a year, a year and a half ago.
And honestly, I was just making that platform more of like my private story. Honestly, I was like, no one's like being honest on this fucking platform.
Like no one's like telling the truth or like showing any flaw at all. Everything's just like a perfect little like clean girl aesthetic image of what their life is.
And that is just not what life's about. Life is fucking rough.
Anyways, all that shit was very short formatted content. And I was like I feel like I could yap for hours about like what's going on in my mind so here we are another fake blonde with a podcast I apologize but like here we are like I'm not that mad I feel like on TikTok I'm so like ambiguous like what's going on with my like love life I'm very good about like you know dropping little hints there in here like I definitely sleep around and I make that known but I'm never like name dropping I'm not like a fucking weird freak so the thing is like with what I do and like me just talking and doing like debriefs online like I have a lot of men being like I want to stay as far away from this bitch as humanly possible because at fear I might talk about them online.
I will. But like I'm only going to talk about you if you give me something like to talk about.
Usually like these men they like piss me off and they think they can do whatever. Hi.
Sorry I'm here to talk about it. Why not? So what is going on in my love life right now? My most recent conquest.
I call them conquests because what else are they? I made the mistake of hooking up with this man he was in the entertainment industry which by the way stays humanly far oh wait am I in that wait I'm considered this is the entertainment industry right he was in the entertainment industry and like red flag number. I feel like those men are just super narcissistic.
Their egos are bigger than my fake tits. Like it's just a lot of narcissism.
Let's call him Old Spice. I'm going to give a code name for the man.
Let me wet my whistle before I tell this fucking story. ASMR.
Also guys, look at my coaster. It says cock.
cock all right let's talk about it okay so i met this guy we got introduced in the middle of the summer whatever and he was fucking hot like he was sexy and honestly i don't regret a fucking thing because of how sexy he was and i'm the type of girl that i see a hot guy and say we connect i sleep with that man that night. And I don't feel bad about that.
I feel like that's pretty normal, but just no one says that. Like that's okay.
And I don't see why that's frowned upon. I feel like that's good work ethic.
Like you see your pride, go get it. Like go get it.
So anyways, we met. He wouldn't sleep with me upon first meet, which is probably a green flag for him.
I'll give him that. Probably a red flag for me that I was super pissed off about it.
So I never thought I'd see this man again. Anyways, I get a phone call like two days after.
I mean, I never thought I would talk to this man again. And I missed two phone calls like from this man.
I was like, okay, he must got like in a car accident. I don't know what happened.
So I go, is everything okay? Like I was in the middle of moving, whatever. And he was like, no, I just want to hear your beautiful voice.
I'm like, this voice? This vocal fry? You've got to be fucking kidding me. From then on, we started talking.
He would call me for like two hours every night. And I don't talk on the phone.
I'm also like a horrible fucking texter. Like text me if you're making plans or if someone died or if a baby was made.
But other than that, like, please do not bother me. So anyways, we would talk on the phone because this man was fucking hot.
So we would talk on the phone for two hours a night and he would tell me all these stories. He'd be like, what's your hobbies, baby? Yeah.
And I was like, hobbies. I don't have fucking hobbies.
I go out, I drink a little and then I do what I need to do to make money. And then I watch reality TV and rock in peace.
But anyways, he called me up and he goes, I wrote this beautiful short story about you and you were my muse. And I'm like, what the flying fuck are you talking about? But anyways, obviously I wanted to hear the story, guys.
The story was the most insane thing i've ever fucking heard of honestly i hope it goes into production because what so this is the story you told me goes so like this couple they meet on a farm this guy works at a gun range he teaches people i'm just giving you guys the bullet points he teaches people how to shoot guns essentially whatever they get set up they go on a date and she a date. And she's like, what do you do? He's like, I shoot guns.
She's like this prim and proper bitch. And she's like, oh, like I hate guns.
Like I'm so scared of guns, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They fall in love, whatever.
He goes to work and she starts like stealing the guns out of his cabinet and starts like fucking herself with the gun. And I was like, I don't understand how we got, how am I the muse? I was like, how, how am I the muse to this fucking story? I do not understand.
But anyways, this girl is stealing this man's guns, taking them out of the cabinet and using them as a big fucking massive rifle dildo. I was like, okay, continue.
The end of the story is he walks back into his apartment or his ranch. I don't't know they're on a fucking ranch and she's fucking herself with the fucking massive rifle and he's like what the fuck and she's like oh my god caught off guard and accidentally pulls the trigger and blows her head off through her body out of her head I was like oh he likes me oh my god I was like what the, he likes me.
Oh my God. I was like, what the actual fuck? It was the weirdest thing ever.
But honestly, me being the person I'm demented to in the head, I was like, this might be a match made in heaven. Anyways, he invites me.
Let's call it Canada. He invites me to Canada.
Okay. Beautiful old Canada.
I go, okay, let me just grab my bar. Let's go.
And I stay out there for like a week or so. And we eventually, like the first night we didn't hook up, but he brought me to this weird ass three hour cinematic movie masterpiece.
And then just drops me off my hotel. And I was like, I did not fly and take a kayak and a train and a bus and roller skates to get here for you to not fuck me.
So now I was pissed. And I was like, what is this? Like, I feel like I was getting punked.
I was waiting for production to pop out with the little cameras and be like, what the flying fuck? But no, the next day he was like, I have to build rapport with someone before I engaged in sexual activity. I was like okay like we get it like take your pants off I don't it was getting frustrating just because I was like I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way I paid for the hotel but I didn't spend all this money and fly all this way for us to not be doing cartwheels in your bedroom so anyways the second night and all the nights from there on we ended up hooking up and it was fucking crazy like he had studio grade bondage equipment in his drawers that looked like they had tags on him like i don't know if he went to home depot and purchased all this for me like oh my god i was so flattered but holy hell this man had put me in a hog tie do you know what a hog tie is production yeah you know what it is like it's like hold on so you had me like so it's like this and it was like okay as women we are constantly on the move we We're doing so many things.
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So we had me in a hog tie like this and I couldn't move. And then he had this extension bar.
Like, you know how you put like shades up or whatever. It's like a pole they put in between your legs.
I don't know what this angle looks like, by the way. So you put this pole between your legs.
And if you move your legs a little more out, you can't go back in. So I dislocated my hip.
I literally think I tore my ACL, but it was the craziest. I honestly, I would do it again.
Honestly, Mr. Old Spice, you can call me anytime.
You'll always have a seat at my table. But anyways, that ended tragically for a plethora of reasons.
For me, long distance, there's just,

like, I feel like a physical aspect of relationship is so important. Yes, the emotional connections also fine.
But also, I just don't think I have enough emotional maturity. I'm very self-aware, but like I'm very toxic.
And I guess like I have very low emotional IQ. So I just think long distance for me wouldn't work because I would be plotting how to pick fights with someone that's in a different time zone, like all day long, just for like my own entertainment.
I don't think it was the right fit. Not because he was the wrong person.
I think I just have like a lot of growing to do, which you'll probably see on this podcast. Like I'm probably going to come off as a fucking mess most of the time.
I'm not going to tell you like, this is how you should be doing things. Honestly, if anything, this is how you should not be doing things maybe, but it's entertaining and it's the truth.
Enough of that nonsense, guys. Let's go back into the nitty gritty.
I want to get into my childhood, the origin story. People need to understand the lore, the true lore.
How did I become this product? And honestly, a lot of it goes back to childhood. A lot of people don't know this.
As a child, I was super fucking chubby. Like it was really cute, but like not During the time period where sugar lips were really popular I was the youngest my grade the last to hit puberty like all of that stuff So I remember like all my friends were like so petite and skinny and blah blah blah And I was this like chunky monster like little chunkster With a boy haircut because you know, my mom has a really short, cute little pixie haircut.
And we thought that would look really cute on me. It doesn't look really cute on a nine-year-old that's a little obese.
Also, like maybe don't get that right before you attend an all-girls Catholic school. I remember my first day, fifth grade, I walked into the school and Mr.
Fucking Helm, yeah, shout out Mr. Helm.
I'll always remember this. He goes, oh, where's your sister? Fuck you, Mr.
Helm. Like that stayed with me forever.
I was super chubby. So honestly, I felt like the way I was able to make friends was through like being funny.
I feel like my sense of humor had to carry because my looks weren't like people weren't my friend because I was like this hot, cute little like thing. Wait, is that weird to say about a nine year old? I don't like I was like not a popular girl.
I wasn't popular because I was like pretty. I was popular because I was funny and I was kind and I was able to make friends with everyone.
But I remembered in eighth grade was when I first got really skinny. We had a little bit of an eating issue there.
I got really thin and it was the first time boys recognized me. It was the first time I made friends with like the cool girls in my grade.
So from that point on, I attributed like being super thin to having value as a person, someone that you could be friends with, which started this whole other fucking series of drama. We'll get into that on another date.
But yeah, anyways, high school, I had one boyfriend. He was at the brother.
I went to an all girls Catholic school, like how fucking ironic that is. I'm sitting on a podcast called extra dirty and I went to an all-girls Catholic school for eight years.
PSA to all the parents watching, don't send your child to an all-girls Catholic school. It's like caging a wild animal and then releasing them into college.
Like I turned hoe because of that. The thing that is interesting about like the all-girls Catholic school lore is like I went to that school for eight years.
I'm not even Catholic. I don't even I'm Protestant.
I'm a CEO. I'm a Christmas Easter only type of bitch.
OK, like that church, like a church hates to see me coming. Like, trust me on that.
Like I've literally had sex in a church parking lot. Like I am not like your typical Catholic school girl.
Maybe like the kind of Catholic school girl you see in pornos. But like I'm not your typical like prim and proper, like Blair Waldorf type of bitch.
Like that's just not who I am. But it was a great school.
It was a private school. I wasn't a great student.
I was like probably a B average student just because I didn't give a fuck. I didn't put like my whole pussy into like academics, which is fine.
Whatever happened in the great war of 19, like I'm not using that right now as I sit on this couch. I just feel like there was no need for me to really dive into academics.
I mean, it works for some people, but it just, it wasn't my thing. Okay.
Anyways, my parents weren't very strict. I mean, I think some of you have seen my dad online.
Like I post him a lot on my TikTok. He is me personified.
Like I, the apple does not fall far from that tree. He's fucking funny.
He's so unserious. And he's like, like a little cringy, but like in a fucking funny way, which I think I am too, to be honest.
And then my mom is like the complete opposite. They're in like in a rock star relationship.
You have to have a rock and you have to have a star and you both need each other for the whole machine to be well oiled. I feel like that's super important for a relationship.
Like I don't want to date someone that has a bigger ego than me. Like we would kill each other.
I think we'd act like it would be on like the Daily Mail. Like we would kill each other.
But yeah, they weren't strict at all. My mom was more of like the emotional support.
My dad is more like the financial support. He still is.
Shout out dad for this beautiful apartment. I love you so dearly.
Thank you. Oh my God, dad, I love you.
You're my favorite. When I think about it, actually, have I dated more rocks or more stars? The men I've dated are fucking, no offense, duds.
And then they would like cheat like cheat on me I remember my first boyfriend he cheated on me while I was in rehab for an eating disorder so it's not like I could break out the cage and go like confront him about it I was dealing I wasn't like I was in knitting class I don't like I couldn't deal with his bullshit he was cheating on me with my best friend's twin. And I was knitting and coloring inside the circles and like my little kumbaya group trying to heal myself.
And he was out there like playing me. I was like, after that, didn't trust any men, even if they're a rock or they're a star, men just suck in general.
I don't know. I'm still figuring out.
It's a whole thing. Going back to my parents, they are amazing.
They're like my best friends. I feel like as I've gotten older, I've appreciated spending so much time with them.
Like I like look forward to hanging out with them. They're way cooler than I'll ever be, but they're great people.
But no, they were not strict. Honestly, I think they just sent me to the all girls private Catholic school so they can get me into a good college.
And my dad's rich. So I feel like he can afford the private school.
I don't know, guys. You can have to ask him when he's on the podcast.
He always used to say 42, five down the drain, which was my tuition, like per year, 42, five down the drain. I would say like something dumb or like uneducated or just like, I can't believe this is the product I've made.
He'd be like 42, five down the drain. Fuck.
Like I've created a monster. It's his fault.
We go to Bergdorf together. Like he brings me there.
Like it's not like I'm going alone. He comes with me and he approves of every purchase.
Not only does he approve of every purchase, he picks things out. So speaking of my dad, he does commercial real estate development.
He fucking absolutely crushes it. He like really wanted me to be in it just because our personality types are so similar.
At one point in time, when I had first moved to New York City, I had literally no idea what I wanted to do. This is before social media.
I had no job and I was luckily able to get away with that for some time. I would host us here and there in the summer on Nantucket.
But for the most part, I was not doing anything during the year. So my parents were like, you need to get a job.
Like, this is like you're 24 years old. Like, I don't know what the fuck you're doing with yourself.
And also at the same time, I really wanted a new rack. Like, I really wanted new tits.
So I told my mom, I was like, mom, like, I think I need new tits. They kind of look like a rock and a sock.
Like my weight really fluctuated and like, like picture a rock and a sock. It's kind of like, you know, it's like not cute.
So I was like, all right, I need a new chest. And my mom's like, we'll pay for it if you get your real estate license.
So I was like kid in a candy shop. I was like pen to fucking paper.
I was like, I got my real estate license within two weeks. I think it was honestly a world fucking record.
I got that shit so quickly. At the same time I was seeing this billionaire and he was, oh my God, this is, he's going to be a whole chapter of this podcast, but I'll go a little into the, cause he kind of goes into this story.
He called me from London one morning and he was like fucked up 7am there. And I was like, so head over heels over this man who was like 15 years older than me, like hedge fund, daddy saw like he was checked all the boxes besides the fact he was like a Peter Pan man.
Like this is never going to grow up never wants to grow up has a lot of money can get any fucking bitch he wants he's also like semi-attractive I miss him he was fun all right I'm getting distracted so anyways at the same time he also thought I needed new tits honestly I think he planted the seed which is kind of fucked up but like'll pay for them. He was like, Hallie, like I'll vemo.
So him and his best rich daddy friend both vemoed me four grand for my tits. It was like 12 grand, but like they both vemoed me four grand.
They think they own each tit. They named them like Francesca and Consuela.
I don't know. Like they think they own my chest, but little do they know I pocketed that money.
It was just like play New York money at that time. I pocketed that money, got my real estate license, and then my parents paid for it.
So I ended up getting the fake tits and I've never sold a fucking house in my life, but I love a crown molding and I can appreciate good interior, a one bed, a one bath.

And I know what areas of New York are the best in the city.

I know where the daddies are.

I know where the rent is the highest.

And that's where I typically hang out

because I know they can afford nice things.

You know, the thing about real estate,

it's like location, location, location.

Just like you guys right now,

sitting at your little laptop or your phone or whatever,

you're in the right place right now,

watching the right podcast. Like, look look at us we're just growing together daddy gang when I think about my wedding I think of a lot of things I think about a lot of happiness I think of stress but I also think about oh my god had Matt and I not had incredible wedding planners, had I not also had Matt who was basically also helping plan the whole thing, like I would have been a disaster.
Okay. If you are someone that is helping plan a wedding, if you have a wedding coming up, if your best friend has a wedding and you're the bridesmaids or you're the maid of honor, whatever it is, make sure your friend that is a bride or if you are a bride, you have help, okay? That is where Zola comes in.
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That sounds like my cup of tea, okay? And not only does Zola have every tool you need to make planning enjoyable for making your vendor search non-anxiety inducing to wedding websites and an instant registry that you can literally build with one click. They also really get you.
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It is so stressful, daddy gang. Don't let yourself go through this like decision fatigue.
I feel like that is a real thing. When I think about my friends that are now getting married, I'm like, you guys, I know it's so hard to make a decision.
You need someone

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Now that I've told you guys that different men own each of my tits, I have a little secret to share with you guys. There's actually currently right now, as we speak, a man in my bed.
I didn i didn't want to like tell you that but like don't ask questions you don't want the answers to um but i feel like we went so hard last night i feel like he could use a little bit of the hair of the dog right now so let's get him up i feel like cookie come here lover surprise i don't know what I feel worse from the fucking dominoes or the vodka here get your fucking mic okay hi guys this is graden cookie cutler okay guys i feel like most of you know who graden is but if you don't he's like my best most funniest friend we sleep together all the time he's so good in bed this is true we do sleep together a lot no yeah and you turn on your sound machine it's always like super magical we get cozy no i actually do but i do have my airpods in watching real housewives oh okay well this morning i woke up hallie woke me up and she said i took it was 11 sorry i didn't mean to interrupt you but it was 11 45 okay okay but that's my morning Hallie told me that I was taking up the whole entire bed but this morning I woke up and her head was on my shoulder and he hates physical touch you don't like when I cuddle or hug you or anything I don't like that because you have a vagine okay if you were a man I wouldn't mind I can't picture you like cuddled up with someone like i can't picture you like being the big spoon are you the big spoon or the little spoon um i just think anatomically i have to be the big spoon one time i was cuddling with somebody and i fell asleep and i woke up and they were just gone and i'll be honest with you i really haven't cuddled since so have you ever fucked a woman are you like a like a gold star? Do you know what a gold star is? It's like they had a C-section, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, a gold star is when you have a C-section.
No, it's like you did not even like come out of a vagina. Not only did you not sleep with a woman, you didn't even come out of a woman.
You came out of their stomach. That's actually a good point.
Not me teaching you about well that's not like actually gold star but like that like could be a thing that's platinum star like never touched a vag um yeah i'm a gold star yeah i'm your mom had a c-section no hallie that's not actually what a gold star is a gold star is when you're gay and you've never been with a girl so you're not a gold star because i'm a gold star okay yeah i'm a gold Loud and proud. So like let's get back to like our origin story.
I feel like a lot of people don't know like how we became friends, how we met. We should tell them the story of how we actually met.
Okay. Let's tell it.
You would remember more than me probably. Are you really counting on me for memories? So I walk into this party on Nantucket.
Obviously shit face. This was like my first time actually going to Nantucket.
The year I believe was like 2021, right after COVID. So this is my first like taste in Nantucket kind of.
And I see this girl and she's like snatched. She's like her skin's pulled back.
I'm like, did she get a facelift? Like what's going on? And I was like, your skin is so amazing. Like what do do you do when you told me you like get your botox at this girl in new york but like you live in boston so at the time you were living in boston and you would go to new york to get your face done i remember this flash forward i didn't know this bitch lived in was from boston i didn't know she had a house in nantucket so i thought i was never gonna see you again and then we were in boston on a cold rainy ass night you set the mood set the tone we're on this yacht that's where hallie and i really rekindled and i was like oh my god you like are from boston like you're here oh my god let's hang out so that's how we started hanging out and then i look over and there's this man and he was like a tech ceo founder i think think he is in prison now.
Yeah. I worked for him for a little bit.
Like when I was like, didn't have a job trying to figure out what I was doing. He was like a crypto baddie.
Like he like promised me all these things. He used to put me up with the Nomo Soho and like work on his like computer for like this new app he was creating.
Okay. No events.
But like that's all he could afford if he's in crypto was the nomo soho no that was a red flag yeah and he had like a no hate to the nomo soho and he had this really good friend who was bald that was like working on his crypto this is like such a side note i went on this day with this man he was like bald and like it was the sketchiest thing i've ever done he promised me like ten thousand dollars and like physical cash no and he said he would only give it to me if i sucked him fucked him i didn't suck him i didn't fuck him he was bald so he looked like mr clean so he shows up to this date with a suitcase of 10 grand in cash and gave it to me did you keep it yeah what'd you have to had a UTI and I couldn't hang out with him for the rest of the weekend. So you left.
That made me sound like kind of an escort. It wasn't like that.
I didn't even kiss him. Honestly, I feel like he got bamboozled that night.
Anyway, I hope he's well, but I looked over my shoulder and his pants were down to his ankles and his whole entire asshole was out. No, ladies.
Cheeks spread. Cheeks spread, blackout drunk, and I i was like is somebody gonna put this guy's pants on i can't be looking at this insane we had people seasick the waves were tumultuous and this man is like ripping his asshole apart like basically in a futile position like i like anyway i've seen darker parts of that man then yeah his internal organs i could see his throat from behind it was crazy you can't say that yeah you know i think we shared that moment of seeing this man's asshole and that's when we became friends we've been through it wait speaking of men with gaping assholes when was the last time you have entered or have been entered via throat via ass via ear with a man via ear like yesterday it's been a really long drought and i feel like i'm like in the sahara desert like one of those animals who like can't really access the watering hole and it's not I don't think it's the rain that's like blocking me from accessing water I'm starting to think it's me no I think your type is bad your type is straight men so that automatically sets you up for failure okay I would just like to correct like it's not straight men no it is just mass like i like a more masculine man which is totally

fine but i don't know i mean i definitely don't think my tiktok videos help when was your last sexual encounter flaying romance a spark that lit a fire under your beautiful plump ass that's so sweet thank you um the last time let's just go with the last time i got diddled or diddled somebody else.

That sounds illegal.

I'm going to be honest with you.

I don't remember no like you have to like i'm telling you right now how to pick a date um over over a year ago probably that i fucked i've sucked you're the sucking queen i used to be not anymore we're going out tonight again tonight hallie is having a party i think tonight's my night where like i really. I used to be.
Not anymore. We're going out tonight again.
Tonight, Hallie is having a party.

I think tonight's my night where, like, I really want my eyes to cross.

Last night, we were pretty drunk.

But tonight, I want to be even more drunk.

Anyways, I feel like we could go on and on about fucking crazy stories we've been.

Like, we've seen so much together.

Like, besides, like, the darkest parts of people's assholes.

Amen.

I think we've seen a lot of...

Lauren! Wait, fucking freak of the week's here. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Bondi Sands.
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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash daddy. Lauren's here.
Cook it out. Cook it out.
Guys, this is Lauren. Lauren's here.
Guys, we're the three best friends that anyone could have. We're the three best friends that anyone could have.

Welcome to the casting couch.

Thank you, guys.

I feel very welcome.

I know.

Should we all touch each other?

Yeah.

Let's all hold hands.

No.

Just let us.

No.

Thank you.

I'm not.

All right.

I see how it is.

All right.

Hey.

Guys, if you don't know Lauren, Lauren's the one that makes, she's the reason I'm alive. i feel like she keeps my schedule together it sounds like you work for me no i like might be production no she's when i call it production in my tiktok she is production i'm calling for yeah like i wouldn't show up to anything on time i'm not a planner i am just a personality higher yeah yeah fish is just good at getting shit done.
She's also really good in bed. Oh my gosh.
Wait. She shows me her sex tapes all the time.
It's like watching. We're getting right into it.
You know when you're like on like a sports team and they like rewatch tape to like see where they like could have like done better. I'm that person for you.
Yes. Do you have any feedback? You're amazing.
Recoil's insane. What happens to you in that? I don't know.
We'll go into that. But anyways, this is Lauren.
Introduce yourself, my little freak of the week. I'm Lauren.
I'm from New Jersey. That's like probably the most uninteresting thing about me.
Me and Hallie have been best friends for like six years now. Six years.
Yeah. So my college roommate was Hallie's best friend from high school and then we met and we fell in love we did we did we had a week of just going out straight together every single night we would go to bed sounds like you're legit let's suppose a week it was like a year last week we went accidentally ended up at a gay bar and it was like all lesbian couples with there was flags everywhere we had no idea there was like a lot of lesbian couples and we were just like sitting there yeah no yeah we might have been one of them we were one of them i think people thought that we were one of them definitely definitely people thought i was chowing down on you yeah in the lawn yeah putting from the rough the whole nine yeah munching muffin

anyways we have known each other for how many years like six years now you've never seen me

in a relationship i haven't but i've seen you in multiple situationships i think that's always

crazy that you've never seen me committed yeah and you've only seen me committed i i was committed

to them they weren't they weren't committed to you no no you thought they were i thought

Thank you. seen me committed yeah and you've only seen me committed i i was committed to them they weren't they weren't committed to you no no you thought they were and i was always trying to like tell i was like they're not hot even though some of them were i was like they're not hot hallie like like you could do so much better and now looking back we're like fuck the cross was hot cross was hot the cross was really hot but i was trying i'm i was very convincing i was like he's not hot trust me it's the hottest guy i've ever caught with ever in my whole entire life yeah so you have a boyfriend we love him we love him actually you didn't like him at first though i didn't i didn't like that i had he hit on hallie in front of me no he didn't yes he did he added you on snapchat in front of me when he didn't like me no yeah to do it's out no no here's what happened here's what happened my boyfriend now at the time like didn't want anything to do with me and yeah and like in order to like show me how he didn't want to have anything to do with me he was like i'm just gonna like flirt in front of her i'm gonna like add her add her best friend on Snapchat.
And would put his phone down so I could see everything.

This was when he was mean.

And then the second.

Didn't he have a fuckboy face?

He had a fuckboy face.

No, he's perfect.

No, he's an angel.

He's an angel.

But he wasn't an angel until the second that he asked me to be his girlfriend.

Up until then, I was a doormat.

And the Holland Tunnel.

Did you like being a doormat? And I was thick. And you were thick.
I was thick. You were so thick.
Lauren used to like show up at my house in Nantucket and be wearing like AF1s and Jordans. Yeah.
I wore like Jordans with like Nike mid calves to the beach. No.
And to Gali Beach. No, that was fake Dior Jordans.
They were fake? Yeah, they were like custom made. Like they just like took Dior.
Oh, with the fabric? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
That is extremely ghetto. And you wore leather pants to the beach, but here we are.
They were real leather. Then you met Jordan.
You guys fell in love so deeply. He also has a massive piece.
Who? Jordan's like a walking tripod. You know, like that thing that's holding up this camera right now, that looks like Jordy has a third leg.

That man,

if like a gust of wind

ever hit him from behind,

he would be standing up still.

I love that for him.

He's gonna hate us.

And I love that for him.

He deserves that, honestly.

He does deserve that.

He deserves a big dick.

He has like short arms,

but he's making up for it.

Sounds like a T-Rex.

He has short limbs,

but a big dick.

Short limbs.

He's like Tyrannosaurus.

I also think he like lifts so much that his arms

progressively get higher.

Oh, yeah.

Totally.

He does have short biceps.

Yeah. He's got a really long torso.

We're not body shaming Jordan on episode one.

We love Jordan.

We're complimenting.

We're going to talk about this later.

The thing is that's nice about me and lauren is like we have very different tastes in men i think we all have very different tastes in men honestly yeah like especially me actually i feel like you guys have the same taste in men i feel like you would go for someone like jordan like a pretty boy no you would go for jordan i would go for jordan i'll go for Jordan right now. Tell him to come over.
Jordan. Jordan loves you.
Jordan loves you. You and Jordan have a very special relationship.
Yeah, we do. Anyway, enough about him.
So we're going out tonight. What is the pregame going to look like, you think? I'm terrified the fact that we have to get ready in like an hour and a half.
Should we tell them what the pregames usually look like? Yeah, let's tell them. Okay.
Let's run through it. Well, I don't really drink that much.
Which is amazing for us. Yes.
Because I'm always driving if we're in Nantucket or I'm always directing. I used to hate it.
I feel like when you're younger, you're like, you're not taking shots. And now we're like, don't take a shot.
I feel like you should. Should I take the shot? Because I don't want an Uber on Nantuckucket and she is the dd she is trusted by my parents that's the vehicle that is she's on the car insurance like yeah you should be other than some other siblings fish is the type of person where she can go out and like have like you'll have like one drink yeah but like you don't need to be like shit face to have fun like you you always have fun.
I'm there for the music. I'm there for the networking.

You used to go out to network.

Yeah.

Hallie would drink for us and I would network for us.

And honestly, it worked.

It worked about pretty well for us. Here we are.

Here we are.

But yeah, no, Hallie and Graydon are probably ripping shots together.

I am looking on in amazement.

You're cheering us on. Looking on is crazy.
I am looking on in amazement. I'm like, wow, I would die.
I would be in the hospital. Sounds like shade you're throwing.
No. But anyways, we might die, but in a positive way.
In a way that like we'll go out with a bang, hopefully. But the pregame, what are we having people over tonight? And then I'm throwing a party later in the evening and the wee hours of the night i will be so cross-eyed i will be caught crossing both streets at once because i'm gonna be like people used to like or i don't know if people do still think this but like some people think it's a bit like you're cross-eyed no no like you fully i had meningitis no i had meningitis as a toddler.
I had it too. We both almost died.
But you're not cross-eyed. We did you? I almost died.
No. But I'm not cross-eyed.
I had a brain infection when I was two that affected my equilibrium. So they used to call me Headwound Halley.
I would just fall over, tip over, like just simple tasks like walking. So then I turned completely cross-eyed like this.
Production zoom in. I at both screens right now no literally i would get so cross-eyed so at six i got contacts but when i drink the muscles behind my eyes that keep them straight normally even right now i'm like give out teetering if i'm tired or a little tipsy my eyes will just give out strength and i'll just go like this so that's when lauren knows that it's time to take to close the tap and you know it's great and i think i've said this before but when someone looks at us and like they're like you're leaving you're leaving so early i'm like look at her that's what you do yeah that is such a cop out you just like nod your head you're like look over here look at oh, of course.
Take her home. Oh, yeah.
That's how you get out of going. Like, leaving.
Yeah. Yeah.
They're like, we totally understand. Take your time getting out.
I hope you get home safe. I hope you want to get back.
You're so strong. Make sure you get her home safe.
I'm screaming. And honestly, Holly, I think we should start using that moving forward.
Like, if we're just not having a good time. Yeah.
You're look at her that's so real wait we should do that yeah i think that's our new cop out because i hate like i hate being like pressured to stay it's a good cop-out but just like loop me in yeah i got you next time but like sometimes like you're just out of it i can't loop you in you're you're looped never that out of it. Don't drink.
Stay in school. I really don't want to go out tonight.
I'm not going to lie, guys. It's your party.
Literally hosted by you. You're on the invite.
You are hosting the party. You have to go.
Honestly, what's fun is Hallie's hosting a pregame. And I think what's so great about- Is my glassware.
Is your glassware. Are you going to no not can I use it yeah you can use it you're not a drunk like the rest of people coming over also though like I love that all our friends have meshed yeah that's so important well us but also like your home friends my school friends I have really I feel like besides you guys I don't really have that many more friends real friends that would consider like oh like i could trust them with your dirtiest darkest secret i mean i'm telling everyone else here my dirtiest darkest secrets but yeah things that would probably get me like in trouble with the police yeah those things i feel like i wouldn't help me get away with anything yeah yeah like would you bury your body for me yeah great and what's our relationship yeah so how does the dynamic work here you're probably wondering because i'm so perfect and like they're like oh my god hallie you're so perfect like how can we like share time i have to split up between the both of them it's like i'm a divorced parent it's like the product of how do you guys get along how do you co-parent this beast i would so i'm a cancer leo cusp and i couldn't really tell you what the fuck that means i can't wait i'm a leo cancer cusp she's a wait what leo cancer cusp yeah wait no no sorry sorry sorry cancer leo yeah yeah i'm a day we're the same you're july 22nd and i'm july 23rd oh yeah i'm the first day of leva so we have the same oh my god significant we have like the same cost but different like uh like like fire sign no no no no like main main sign we need to get our charts or something but fish and i just have a really sensitive like loving connection we do you know although she's way more sensitive than me i'm sensitive and i'm thinking she might start crying like you will like have my back yeah yeah sometimes hailey goes for her throat well sometimes i get very angry yeah sometimes hailey gets like at the end of the night she'll be really drunk and she'll sometimes jump on the neck and like not in a mean way i'm just very sensitive like i take everything so seriously like it's really hard to argue with you yeah Because you will cry.
I will and i'm like that's it like she never wants to see me again like that's it our friendship is over like all over because she was like i don't know like what what if she said to me before i'm like thinking about a time where like i took it so personally like the summer summer on your birthday. Like, oh, yeah.
You were so sensitive. I was so sensitive.
People that were staying at my house wanted to go to dinner with me. Yeah.
They were staying at my house. But you would auction them off to my house because they couldn't stay at your boyfriend's house.
No, no, no. Actually, we should talk about this.
Because that was bad. Oh, no.
No. That was bad.
And you're like, you weren't coming to my thing. And I was like, wait, they're staying at my house.
No, no, no, no. I was bad you're like you aren't coming to my thing and i was like wait they're staying at my house no no no i was just i felt left out because normally in nantucket i always stay at your house and this is the first time that i wasn't staying at your house where like everyone was there so i was like feeling left out and because i was feeling left out i just started crying at cisco and actually i'm mortified and my boyfriend's brother likes to bring it up now he's like are you gonna cry are you gonna cry like you cried at Cisco I'm glad he does yeah because you should have been embarrassed yeah you're being a little freak then I was being a freak yeah and I was like and then I came home and I was like Hallie I was like you can come to dinner too but like I was like no and I walked around the block You were also staying at your boyfriend so i was like are you gonna leave your boyfriend and their family and their cook other yes do the thing that they're throwing for you and come to my parents look at me in the eyes yes i will leave him that's fucking just kidding yeah i'm thinking about the hamptons trip now oh the hamptons trip guys that's what I was referring to no guys we were at it was a brand trip it was like one of the first brand trips I've ever been on but like we were sharing a room the three of us Liv was there too no it was just us three she was there for another one this one was just us three and I was being the I got there.
I opened up every single present. I got into the pajamas that were on my bed immediately.
As you should. As you should.
I stole some of Graydon's products. Like, I was fucking there.
But, like, we went to Surf Lodge. A guy in your building.
Wait, I ran into him today, yesterday. I run into him every single day.
His name is Chowdown? his nickname is Chowdown he lives in my building I literally have the exact same schedule as him I saw him this morning I saw him yesterday that's a story we went out at surf lodge and I was drunk and I said come back and he's really cute he's really cute he's really tall he's was weird though his giggles he's like hyena I wasn't here I think he was really nervous you weren't there this is the weekend with Liv yeah yeah you weren't there and we brought him back he went down on me in front of yeah in front of us me and Liv were like hiding in the bathroom and we were like okay well it's been like two minutes maybe we should come out now we come come out. You giving me two minutes to work my masterpiece? Yeah, it didn't seem like you were feeling it.
Because his laugh was really weird. I don't know.
Yeah, and then we came out and we were like, show us what you were doing. Okay, I received a video this night.
Do we want to talk about that? That was Chowdow. Was that from you? No, that was from me.
or live and then group shot it was liver fish sent it to me and there's this i see this hair underneath the sheet and hallie's there and i'm like is she like playing with like a stuffed animal like what why is her hair under the sheets it was mr chow down chowing down chowing down underneath the giving the name all the name yeah he's a nice guy and then we sent him on his way it's funny because i'll get those videos and i will not think one thing of it we're like all right you have to go bye we like literally the way that we like hurried that man out of the room like he didn't even have time to put his shoes on he was like by the time he was outside he was weird though he was a weird little freak yeah but anyway i live in the same building as him and i see him every single day and i'm like hey and he's like hey how you doing and then you know we talk about something for like the 30 seconds of the elevator ride the minute the fucking outdoors and yeah every day that's the worst yeah poor man mr chowdown okay like we need to wrap this up with the get ready with the shower the bathe i'm sure graden has to take a nap i need to take a couple shots i think before we go guys we should give a little like real housewives tagline like what would like you know zhoosh up the ending of this okay yes you can start and then lauren and then i have to think of mine because okay i love this okay let's run it this This is your moment to shine If you won't suck my Kwaki At least drink one Period You like that? I suck your Kwaki Alright Lauren you go I may not drink but I eat everyday every day. No, you do.
I used to be. I was thick.
I see. More than once a day.
I don't even know what mine would be. You got it.
Like, you miss 100% of the cum shots you don't take. Period.
Period. All right, guys.
Cheer. Like, hey.
Hey. Woo.
All right. So, like, let's wrap it up, guys.
We have to get ready with Go Take Shots. This has been so much fun.
I'm so excited for everyone to be here, even if, like, you're just here to, like, make fun of me. If I'm crazy, I don't fucking care.
We're going to have so much fun. This was amazing.
You're going to see a lot more of this situation going on. It's going to be a lot of chaos, a lot of raw energy we're gonna raw dog this whole fucking thing subscribe like review give us five stars all that fucking shit you can find us on all platforms wherever you watch your podcast youtube whatever whatever floats your fucking boat anyways happy to be here love you all and thank you episode one let's fucking do it.
Bye. Bye.
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