Jackie Schimmel: Confident Girls > Mean Girls (FBF)

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Speaker 1 What is up, Daddy Gang?

Speaker 2 It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Speaker 1 Okay, Jackie Schimmel, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

Speaker 2 Oh, are we on? We're on. Oh, fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 I figured we have Henry.

Speaker 1 Leo, can you maybe come and Richard?

Speaker 2 Richard. Oh, my God.
Richard, come here. Treats?

Speaker 1 Wait, look at his body.

Speaker 2 It baffles me. He's so low to the ground.
It's great. Look at his body type.

Speaker 1 How do you explain his body type?

Speaker 2 I'm going to get you in camera. Come here.
Leo, get your ass over here. Come here.
Come here, Baba Bitch.

Speaker 2 I would say that he is reverse pear-shaped. His father is pear-shaped.

Speaker 2 And he's reverse pear-shaped.

Speaker 1 Are you talking about his father as in your husband? Yes.

Speaker 2 Andrew is pear-shaped. He's 100% pair-shaped.
He should know.

Speaker 1 I dated a guy that was pear-shaped once. It's not bad.

Speaker 2 I don't love the shafing element.

Speaker 2 And speaking of shafing, I am wearing burlap pants. It's 100 degrees.
I feel like I have a white woman's like cocktail reception in my vagina.

Speaker 2 They look great.

Speaker 1 They look great.

Speaker 2 Itchy. In the wrong places.

Speaker 1 So you're a fellow podcaster.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was thinking about this. Someone, I asked people to write in, like, what do you guys want us to talk about?

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 1 And people were like, how are you guys friends? And I'm like, how do we?

Speaker 2 That's rude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, no, how are you guys? Like, how did you guys become friends?

Speaker 2 They're like, no, they're not like, how the fuck are the two of you friends? I'm like, it kind of makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 1 You guys don't get it? Like, we're kind of similar at all. No.
And I was like, how,

Speaker 1 how did we become friends?

Speaker 2 Okay, I totally know how this happened.

Speaker 1 Tell us. Also, I love that I'm drinking iced coffee.
I never do this before, but I figured I'm so comfortable with you that if I need to shit my pants during the interview,

Speaker 2 I can

Speaker 2 a full gallon of matcha and I probably will shit but you won't know because I'm wearing burlap pants what are burlap pants you know like when you go to like a sad live laugh love wedding and they have like those burlap tablecloths at the cocktail hour yeah yeah you're wearing them oh though oh yeah like I get that that looks like beach house vibes actually they're Gucci fuck off

Speaker 1 I actually love when you're wearing designer, but you have to clarify their designer because they don't. They're sad.
They don't appear designer.

Speaker 2 No, they really don't they do they do they're like itchy and like like they you need to pull this down i need to see your face you look great today yeah yeah i do don't you podcast for a living yeah but i don't do video oh that is by clear and concise design honey

Speaker 1 i will say that's one of my least favorite things about doing video is i've had to start putting like makeup on like a little tinted moist yeah yeah yeah even for a solo those are i'm definitely i look worse what's going on with the flowers in here it's so bad like what's happening what is this let me just be so clear.

Speaker 2 Why are they so erect? No,

Speaker 2 speaking of Midwest cocktail hour,

Speaker 2 let me be so clear. Marrying your cousin.
What is going on?

Speaker 1 Okay, you know what? This is a good conversation to start off with. Yeah.
My set, I started with like a vision.

Speaker 2 What was that vision? Can we just get some like hot pink orchids? Okay. Aren't you rich?

Speaker 1 Here's the issue.

Speaker 1 I started with the vision of like big, cozy, comfy chairs. No,

Speaker 2 what is that turquoise face?

Speaker 2 This is

Speaker 1 terse type balls.

Speaker 2 It's like an urn.

Speaker 2 It's like a sad, low-bud Shiva in here.

Speaker 2 What is going on?

Speaker 1 Okay, let me explain to you.

Speaker 2 Oh, sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm so happy someone called it out because every time someone comes in here, they're like, it's so cute in here. I'm like, it looks like a grandmother's room.

Speaker 2 No, I like this. You like this.
I don't understand what's happening with your floral concept.

Speaker 2 Richard, it's okay. It's anxiety.
It's okay.

Speaker 1 Wait, Richard is having a panic attack and Henry's like, get the fuck away from me. Are you okay?

Speaker 2 Are you about to?

Speaker 1 Is he okay? He's fine. We just need a break.
Leo.

Speaker 2 It's anxiety. Do you want to hold him? No, he's fine.

Speaker 1 It's okay, Richard. Don't fucking embarrass me.
I love how Henry has like zero give a fucks. Okay, we're swerving.

Speaker 2 Am I allowed to put my feet on here?

Speaker 1 Please, it's fine. Thank God.
We're going to get rid of these chairs anyways. Okay, good.
So when I designed this room, I really had a vision where I can't take it. I had a vision where the chairs.

Speaker 1 I think we need to take your dog to the fest.

Speaker 2 No, he does this all the time. It literally is like he gets overwhelmed.

Speaker 2 We went to the Bahamas a couple years ago and he was in such emotional distress that we left him that he had like a whole anxiety condition. We almost put him on Prozac.

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How the fuck are we friends? How do we become friends?

Speaker 2 Okay, you know what's so funny? I don't even know if you remember this. We met during the pandemic in person and we had DM'd a couple times.
Now,

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 didn't know who you were, but I knew that you and your ex partner had this show. I had heard of Caller Daddy.

Speaker 2 And then you had DM'd me a couple times, I think, or maybe your ex-partner had DM'd me a couple times. And I ignored them because I'm a lovely person.

Speaker 2 And then somehow during the pandemic, I think we started talking on Instagram

Speaker 2 and following each other. And then, like, so annoying met up became like internet friends and then did a podcast swap.

Speaker 1 I will never forget how bad that podcast was because you didn't know what a swap was. I had no idea.
I'll never do it again. It was so who's calling me? This is so unprofessional.

Speaker 2 I mean, you would never do this with Haley Bieber.

Speaker 1 I would have my phone in the different room. Meanwhile, I'm like, hold on, let me check.

Speaker 2 We would have fresh florals. The urns would be put away.

Speaker 1 This is some bullshit. You know what? No, you're right.
That's how we became friends. First, we we started as podcast friends.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then after we podcasted, I remember we were like, huh, we like each other. And then we had the connection where you know my boyfriend through childhood.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And it's like a whole thing.

Speaker 1 So it ended up working out. And then like family friends and stuff.

Speaker 2 100%. But you know, as a podcaster, you meet a lot of fucking people.
I don't fuck with that many people.

Speaker 2 I really don't.

Speaker 1 And you keep coming back around to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like you. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Speaker 1 I appreciate you coming on because I'm desperate for a guest right now. We're on the holidays.
We can't join anyone.

Speaker 2 You even look me in the eye and say desperate for a guest or I will shank you in the backyard. Desperate for a guest, Alex.

Speaker 1 You are like,

Speaker 2 I don't have guests.

Speaker 1 No, you know what? That's, I wanted to say to anyone that is new, you have balls. No, you've got a big vagina.
Massive. Massive.

Speaker 1 And don't you always talk about how you have to put like multiple tampons?

Speaker 2 But you know what? Here's the thing. And if there's there's one thing that I want to say on Caller Daddy today is that my vagina is not wide.
It is shallow. So for a long,

Speaker 2 I have a very shallow vagina and I'm a woman of extreme efficiency. So like I don't understand.

Speaker 2 light girlies. Like you go to fucking CVS and you're getting tampon lights.
We already have to deal with the pink tax. Now I'm having my Gloria Steinem moment.
Get ready for it. Oh, we love it.

Speaker 2 We already have to pay the pink tax. All boxes of tampons are the same price.
Okay, so why would you go light when you can go ultra?

Speaker 2 Just from a fiscal standpoint.

Speaker 1 Do you buy the ultras?

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 I will, I have fit two ultras inside of me, side by side, like fighter pilot jets. Like fucking top gun.

Speaker 1 One time I bought, I thought I was buying super, and I realized I bought super plus and I was like, oh, this is like in the big leagues.

Speaker 2 I didn't even know there was ultra. I can raw dog ultras.

Speaker 2 And you think about it. Okay, you're either like changing lights every 20 minutes or you ultra that shape.
You're ready to rumble. You can fly to fucking Abu Dhabi.

Speaker 2 Have you ever bled through an ultra? Fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's good. Came out of me.
Slid down the mountain.

Speaker 1 Isn't that the worst when you have a tampon and you can feel it's it's coming out?

Speaker 2 There is. Let me tell you something.
I was coming back from Paris

Speaker 2 a few months ago and I had an ultra in because I'm, you know, a feminist. And

Speaker 2 I was going through customs and I thought I was good to go because I did like a mid-flight switcheroo.

Speaker 2 And thank God I was wearing a jogger pant with an elastic ankle because something happened during customs where I was like.

Speaker 2 She is she has left my body and it fell out and it was just pulling at my ankle

Speaker 2 Sorry, I know her throat's closing up. This is really disgusting.

Speaker 1 Are you saying that your ultra tampon popped out of your vagina and slow and steady?

Speaker 2 Like a ski toboggan. It just slid up.
And I was like, I was trying to like

Speaker 2 tilt my pelvic floor and like kegele it back in, but it had it the ultra had left.

Speaker 1 And so it's sitting at the bottom of essentially the elastic pocket of your jogger. And what did you do? Because customs, there ain't no moving.

Speaker 2 like I said, thank God I had an elastic ankle and I just moved low and slow.

Speaker 1 Like, I was just like, Were you with your husband?

Speaker 2 No, I was alone, which is kind of unfortunate because I would have loved to like have that experience.

Speaker 1 I actually agree with you.

Speaker 1 When something like funny or embarrassing or just like out of body is happening, when you're alone, it can be even worse/slash/funnier because you're like, you're going through the internal self-dialogue of like, what do I do?

Speaker 1 What do I do? It would be 100%.

Speaker 2 And if that pops out, where are we going?

Speaker 1 What am I going to do?

Speaker 2 Where are we going from here? Do I just like turn a blind eye and like keep on moving with my fucking passport or do I pick it up? Like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 And I almost wanted to tell people in the line because I thought it was so hilarious.

Speaker 1 I have never, I will say to anyone listening, if you're having like a bad day, just think that you've never had an ultra slip out of your and like a twin mattress

Speaker 1 come out of your vagina and slip down your leg. When did you take it out?

Speaker 2 Oh, I went, I like, well, I didn't run because I couldn't run, but I did a very slow stroll to the bathroom. And

Speaker 1 yeah, I want you to like

Speaker 1 take me through iterations of yourself through life. So, like, start at like young Jackie.

Speaker 2 No, no, like a Barbara woman. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 But, like, do you know what I'm saying? Like, bring me back to young Jackie and walk us through. So people can really get to know like who you are and the evolution of you.

Speaker 2 I am

Speaker 2 embarrassed to say that my evolution has been pretty non-evolutionized. Like I have been like kind of the same my whole life.

Speaker 2 It was just about what I was able to get away with, you know, because like when you do have adhesive headgear and gingivitis and you're like,

Speaker 2 like things aren't landing the same way when you're in seventh grade as when you're 32. You know what I mean? Like it's it's taken years for me to like fully be like all caps myself in public.

Speaker 2 But as a kid, I was super obnoxious. I was annoying as fuck.
I hated socializing, but like, I did the thing because I didn't want to be a loser. Um,

Speaker 2 but I was always like, I loved like doing like characters, and I was always like doing bits, and I was like, just annoying as fuck. Like, my parents were like, literally, go play on the freeway.

Speaker 2 Like, that was like a, like, I wasn't allowed to be in the house, which is interesting because now I have this like weird thing where I can't be home from 10 to 4.

Speaker 2 Like, I have to be out of the house because I have like this weird, like, Nell energy about it. And I just don't like festering at home.
It makes me feel like a loser. Where do you go? Anywhere.

Speaker 2 I'll sit in parking lots. I don't care.
I do not like being home. Wait, what? It's the weirdest thing.

Speaker 1 Wait, okay, so can you.

Speaker 2 So as a kid, my parents were like, get the fuck out of the house.

Speaker 1 And you just go.

Speaker 2 Oh, I would. I mean, self-amusement is truly like the rhythm of my dance floor.
Like, I love being alone. I love being untethered.
I like doing weird shit. I don't care.

Speaker 2 I never have cared if other people get it or think it's funny.

Speaker 2 Like you just said, it makes it funnier when nobody else understands what's going on.

Speaker 1 So true. Someone DM'd me.
I posted something the other day where I was like, it's not that revolutionary. Like I'm just alone a lot.

Speaker 1 Someone messaged me like, I love how like you and Jackie always make me feel better because you guys are just always alone and like doing shit alone. You guys feel so comfortable alone.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, why would I want to be with anyone else? You have a husband. I have a partner.
I'm like, why would I ever want to be with anyone else?

Speaker 2 I feel like the most myself when and like comfortable. And yes, I do have like slight OCD tendencies as diagnosed by a licensed professional, but I feel like so alive and present when I'm by myself.

Speaker 2 I don't feel like I gotta start tap dancing.

Speaker 1 You know, yes, and I'm happier.

Speaker 2 Me too.

Speaker 2 Okay, bye, bye.

Speaker 1 Bye, guys.

Speaker 1 Gotta go. No, I appreciate that.
Can you explain what gingivitis is? And also, did you have to publicly wear an adhesive headgear?

Speaker 2 No, only no, no, no, I didn't. But like, sleepovers weren't a thing.
I did have like those rubber bands that like really.

Speaker 2 And unfortunately, I've always loved a mixed metal. So I would go like gold, silver, like brackets like on my braces.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you have gingivitis is a condition, a dental medical condition in which you have hypersensitive, inflamed gums.

Speaker 2 So I had an allergy to the cement on the braces, you know. So, my gums, like, I had no teeth.
It was just gum and metal.

Speaker 2 And then I would have to get my braces off every month, which is why I had them for almost five years because I needed to let the gums breathe. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they would just bleed constantly. I just always, I mean, bleeding out of my vagina, bleeding out of my gums.

Speaker 1 It's a, it's a whole why do I feel like that made you? This is so insulting. Why do I feel like that made you

Speaker 2 say

Speaker 2 A mouth breather.

Speaker 2 Am I a mouth breather?

Speaker 1 I probably

Speaker 1 feel like back in the day. Back in the day.
You would be a mouth breather.

Speaker 2 Cause, like, oh, yeah, there were so many fluids, and I always had a roll-on lip gloss to boot. So it was so shiny and so like, I was, it was a lot.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you were a mouth breather. You had gingivitis.
You had a headgear.

Speaker 2 But I was like in on it. And I was also hugged a lot as a kid.
So I was like, I would come home. Like, if I ever had, like, any type of insecurity, you're like, why this and that?

Speaker 2 And you know, like in middle school, I wasn't super cute, but I had, I really like leaned in.

Speaker 1 You got it. You got it.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I was like, whatever. I'm like, who wants to be hot in middle school? How embarrassing.

Speaker 1 That's something where I remember where people were trying to expose me for my younger photos. And at first, like, cause I had like not gone through therapy about it.
I was like, I was so ugly.

Speaker 1 Like, I was so awkward. And I was like, I felt like I was doing whack-a-mole to like try to get people to not know what I looked like.

Speaker 1 And then I was like, how incredible to know that I didn't fucking peek in middle school, you dumb bitches. Like, how great?

Speaker 2 How great? Okay. It's so not that big of a deal.

Speaker 1 And it's like, why, when you see people's middle school photos, most of the people, this is so fucked up, but sorry, but most of the people that were like, I don't want to apologize to me, Cooper.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 1 most of the people that were like the hot chicks in middle school are now addicted to like meth.

Speaker 2 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 1 It didn't go well. Exactly.
And I think, listen, if you're listening and you were a beauty queen since day one.

Speaker 2 Well, fuck you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I was going to say, we, we, you know, yeah, fuck you.

Speaker 2 And also, like, I, even now, I don't really think, I don't put like a lot of weight on how I look. Like, that's not where I get self-esteem at all.
Talk about that. Um, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, I think that, like, I've, I'm lucky that I had a good childhood and I've always felt pretty secure-ish.

Speaker 2 And I just have never, like, thought that that was a sustainable way to get self-esteem. Like, yeah.
I just don't think that's like like the thing that people should aspire to get attention for.

Speaker 1 I agree.

Speaker 2 I think granted, I'm gorgeous.

Speaker 2 You're like, don't get it wrong. Like, I just want you to know if you're not watching the video, I also happen to be super cute.

Speaker 1 If you're listening to this, quickly just tune in. You will swerve off the road if you see this beauty sitting across from you.

Speaker 2 You will get a boner that will go through your windshield. However, no,

Speaker 2 I have met like some of the most beautiful people in the world that I think are fucking busted because they're so boring.

Speaker 2 And especially nowadays in 2022, I think we really need to prioritize like some fucking personality and opinions because I'm bored with everybody on the fucking internet. It's called shelf life.

Speaker 2 Have fun.

Speaker 1 When I was doing research for this, which was minimal, I wrote down something that I thought was interesting and I was like, I I thought I knew you. Okay.
And apparently I don't know you at all.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I think Jackie Schimmel

Speaker 1 is subtly a version of Anna Delby.

Speaker 1 Okay, and then it really clicked because I was like, this bitch bought her fucking art. They're in on this together.

Speaker 1 You

Speaker 1 faked a college diploma from UCLA to get a job. Yeah.
Can you please confirm and clarify?

Speaker 1 And first of all, I just want to be clear: I wasn't like going onto Jackie's shit trying to find out if she's been arrested. It's like on your website.

Speaker 1 You're like, I faked my college diploma, blah, blah. So, first of all, did you ever attend UCLA? No.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 But I lived in off-campus housing. Like I somehow was able, it was a different time.
I was able to get to the UCLA like roommate housing site. What? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I lived with all UCLA students, like in an off-campus, like housing.

Speaker 1 Okay. Establishment.
I need you, I think that when I was reading about that, I was like, okay,

Speaker 1 I have cheated on tests. Duh.
Of course. Who has? And I've gone to extreme lengths of like cheating and I got caught a couple of times.
But I feel like it takes a certain level of like sick,

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 1 no fear of consequences to fake and to give someone a resume that you're applying for a job and be like, I went to UCLA here.

Speaker 1 How did you come up with this? How did you make it happen? And are you good at Photoshop?

Speaker 2 You know what? Photoshop didn't exist back then, but I did have the paint app, Humble Brag.

Speaker 1 So you created a fake diploma from UCLA?

Speaker 2 I had gone to community college for literally one day.

Speaker 2 Couldn't have been like less interested. I was like, this is terrible.
I graduated high school with a 1.8 GPA.

Speaker 2 Humble brag. It's like my favorite thing to drop in.
Wait, really?

Speaker 1 Literally, yeah. Just no interest in school.

Speaker 2 None.

Speaker 1 None. No drive.
No. No concern that like you wouldn't get a job?

Speaker 2 No, I wasn't like thinking that far ahead.

Speaker 2 I kind of just figured like, I'll just like get in there and like, you know, whatever. Confidence? Delusion.

Speaker 1 The fact that you were like one point, whatever the fuck GPA, how do you even also even get that?

Speaker 2 It's actually quite an accomplishment. You basically have to fail everything.
It's like straight Ds.

Speaker 2 It's like D's and C's, yeah. Through for four years.

Speaker 1 So then you go to community colleges for one day.

Speaker 2 For one day.

Speaker 2 Could not be bothered. I was like, this is not my fucking journey.
So I actually lied to my parents for like a year and said that I was going to college and I doctored.

Speaker 2 That's how I got my paint app Photoshop skills. I was faking report cards and my parents were like very hands-off.
They trusted me way too much. Like they like weren't asking questions.

Speaker 2 They weren't like, how was, like, they just didn't ask.

Speaker 1 What the fuck were you doing during this time?

Speaker 2 You know, there was this amazing cheese shop downtown. I was cooking.
I was eating. I was drinking boxed wine.
I was like going on walks. I was, I don't know what the fuck.
You didn't even have a job.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 And then eventually I, while I was lying lying to my parents i got an internship so then i and then lied to them and said i was graduating college but i was only a sophomore and then they offered me a job and that just kind of started kick-started my fraudulent uh life and then you literally just started giving people saying you went to ucla how i'm interested to know because i think when you start a lie it can tumble, tumble, tumble.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 How far did you, were you buying like Bruins UCLA gear? Like, woo, go, Bruins! Like, what, like, woo!

Speaker 2 Well, I only was lying to like human resources or like people like super high up that I wasn't with every day. So, like, every, by the way, I have no fucking chill.

Speaker 2 I am like the most, I have borderline Tourette's where I have to tell everyone everything all the time.

Speaker 2 So, I think that's, it was a real learning curve, but everyone that I was working with, like, kind of

Speaker 2 new, you know, interesting.

Speaker 1 And then HR didn't.

Speaker 2 No, and it didn't really, it didn't really cause a problem until I started working at like a really,

Speaker 2 you know, esteemed financial institution where they did this little thing called hot tip employment verification.

Speaker 2 So part of that is they call all the admissions offices and then they like confirm your degree.

Speaker 1 And what happened?

Speaker 2 Well, the good news is that I was in charge of employment verification. So I just kept taking mine and putting it at the bottom of the list.

Speaker 1 Stop. And then did you ever get caught?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 I'm going to honestly say I respect it because I think it takes a level of,

Speaker 1 I don't know the word. Like, it's really a ballsy move that I don't think a lot of people could pull off.

Speaker 2 Like, what would be the worst that could happen? Oh, no, I'd get fired from my receptionist gig at the financial institution where it was miserable all day.

Speaker 1 Like, no, you're right. I guess it's actually really innovative and crafty.
Um, where do you get your confidence from?

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 think that I'm myself all the time,

Speaker 2 and I like myself,

Speaker 2 and I

Speaker 2 understand that not everyone is gonna fuck with me, and that's totally cool.

Speaker 1 I appreciate that because I feel like it takes, I feel like no one says, like, I like myself. Because now it'd be like, you're a narcissist and you're an egomaniac.
It's like, no, I just like myself.

Speaker 1 I've got to live with myself here.

Speaker 2 Totally.

Speaker 2 I don't think I'm like the prettiest person in the entire world. I don't think I'm necessarily that smart.
I don't think I'm the funniest person.

Speaker 2 I don't like, I don't think any of those things about myself. I'm just like happy I get to like do the thing is me.

Speaker 2 Because what else am I going to be? Miserable, I need to wake up and be like, God damn it, Jackie, you need veneers. Like, whatever.
Who cares? Like,

Speaker 2 that's such a waste of time.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about the real reason you're here today.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 You are here.

Speaker 2 I'm actually sweating too.

Speaker 1 You're here to defend a woman's right to wear an ankle boot.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 yes.

Speaker 1 For anyone that has no idea what I'm fucking talking about, Morgan Stewart came on the podcast.

Speaker 2 Bitch.

Speaker 1 That fucking bitch came on my podcast and had the audacity to fuck up my.

Speaker 1 Every single person that works at Call Her Daddy ruined. I've been on team Zooms of people being like, oh, Alex, what am I supposed to do? Do I have to throw up my ankle boots?

Speaker 1 Let me just clarify, to anyone that has no idea what we're talking about, Morgan Stewart came on Call Her Daddy and basically took a hard stance against ankle boots.

Speaker 2 I have a lot of thoughts about this. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have known Morgan and love her dearly for years and years. A very good friend.
And I know that when Morgan assassinated the ankle boot

Speaker 2 in early November of 2022, I

Speaker 2 can close my eyes and envision what she was talking about. I think she's thinking of like a round toe, Louboutin, chunky heel, like

Speaker 2 club rat, one oak shoe. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I will say as a woman with very long femurs, I'm talking about myself,

Speaker 2 and gorgeous sculpted chins, talking about myself, that I look

Speaker 2 very good in an ankle boot. Dare I say, stunning leg porn only fans.

Speaker 1 So this is controversial because she said not even Irina, how do you say her name? Irina Shank? Shank. Shank.

Speaker 1 Could look good. So you're essentially saying you are more gorgeous on the lower half than Irina Shank.

Speaker 2 I do suffer with dermatitis on my legs, so I'm working on it. But

Speaker 2 I fuck with an ankle boot. Now Morgan has since specified.
Now let's call her. Let's call her.

Speaker 1 I just sent Morgan my location. Come through, bitch.

Speaker 2 Maybe let's call her. That is drama.

Speaker 1 It's very drama. I'm like, where are you?

Speaker 2 Roll up.

Speaker 1 She should be nervous. What else is she doing? She just got some kids, whatever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, big whoop.

Speaker 2 Wow. No.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 1 Hi, Morgan.

Speaker 2 Hey, Morgi.

Speaker 4 Hi, anyway. I'm putting you on.
Am I not doing this right? Okay, here I am. I'm so stressed out.
I got it.

Speaker 2 Tell her she's being recorded.

Speaker 1 Curly, you're being recorded.

Speaker 4 I'm being recorded, okay? I like it.

Speaker 1 I like it. And I'm sitting across from Jackie Schimmel.
Oh, we love her. We've been talking shit on you for 20 minutes.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Have you?

Speaker 4 No, you guys like me too much to do that.

Speaker 1 Okay, we need you to settle ankle gate, ankle boot gate.

Speaker 1 I just want to let you know the amount of women that have now thrown out all of their ankle boots because of you, it's been honestly an uproar that's happened.

Speaker 1 And I want to give you the chance to clarify what did you mean?

Speaker 2 What did you mean, Morgan?

Speaker 4 This is literally what Oprah said she wasn't eating meat anymore. This is what I've done to the ankle boot industry.
Like, I have not realized. this is

Speaker 4 the DMs are flooded. It's very clear.
First of all, to use our dear friend Jackie as an example from dinner, a flat combat boot is not the ankle boot I was referring to.

Speaker 4 I was referring to the black suede heeled ankle boot with the inner zipper where the zipper's inside the boot.

Speaker 4 And the only real issue I have is when that is being used as a heel and it is an exposed ankle boot.

Speaker 1 Like an ankle boot with a a sheer tight and a mini skirt not doesn't work doesn't work okay okay i actually want to go ahead and say i agree with you i agree with that thank you okay okay because i think this is the thing how many people wear an ankle boot and then there's like your pant goes over it and you're wearing a fucking boot with a jean great great you don't know fine no problem with that but when you're wearing shins yes yes but when you're wearing a dress or a skirt or even shorter jeans a little 2012 yeah it's like aldo steve madden We're giving

Speaker 1 Inland Empire Northwest.

Speaker 4 And also, just to be very clear so everybody at home understands is you're also wearing a skinny black pant or jean and it fits into the ankle boot. You still don't tuck the pant into the boot.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 4 Unless it's a baggy ankle boot and it's like an Isabel Morant style, that works.

Speaker 2 I was just going to use that as a counter argument.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, oh, I literally morgan stewart i was just gonna say that as someone with gorgeous shins you know how isabelle morant does that little dip in the front yeah that little dip dip me looking good in the dip dip yeah so jackie's been um bragging about her shins um oh we just hung up okay apparently

Speaker 1 I don't know if I hung up on her or her phone died. Goodbye, Morgan.
You've already had your time on Caller Diet. This is Jackie.

Speaker 2 This is about you, Morgan. This is about me.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I actually think that clarifies clarifies a lot, and I do feel better about it. I'm really not just now, I'm not going to answer her if she calls.
Yeah. I think I feel better.

Speaker 1 Do you still stand by, though? Like, are you going to go to an event with a dress and an ankle boot?

Speaker 2 I would never wear a heeled ankle boot. Okay, meet me either.
Not, I would wear like a Western-style ankle boot with like a little bit of a heel, but not like a stiletto ankle boot. Of course not.

Speaker 2 Now I could never. I mean, even if I was, I would lie about it.
I don't want Morgan to harass and bully me.

Speaker 1 I, I, it's really interesting to see how powerful that conversation was. And I'm like, Jackie, are you going to say anything today that is going to traumatize my audience? Probably.

Speaker 1 Let me get myself some water.

Speaker 2 I know. I've been screaming about ankle boots.
Hold on. Ooh, I'll put this in the cute cup.
Oh, wow. Paper straws.

Speaker 2 I'll give you a fucking hot take.

Speaker 2 Say it.

Speaker 2 Fuck the turtles.

Speaker 1 I like plastic straws.

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 1 Although

Speaker 1 I actually agree with you in terms of

Speaker 2 by the way, I love that that's like the most controversial thing you could ever say. I was at like a fucking dinner and I said something like it was like an influencer dinner.

Speaker 2 We don't, we'll never talk about it again. I'm sorry.
You went to one of those? I only went to one and then I got like basically kicked out.

Speaker 2 And I said something about like bring back the plastic straws and it was like I had just said like I had done like a Hail Hitler or something.

Speaker 2 Like it was like, it was like the whole, like there was like a rogue wave of shame and disappointment. These girls were like,

Speaker 2 That's just like not cool. And I'm like, I can't make a joke about plastic straws.
I cut them up when I'm done to save little baby Franklin. You know, Franklin, of course, I know Franklin.

Speaker 1 I think you're right. There's bigger issues of how to solve the issues with the environment.
Like, stop going on your private planes.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. How about that? Let's like tackle bigger issues.
Yeah. Yeah.
You think you're superior because you suck out of a paper limp dick straw that's compostable.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me too. I love it.
Love it. Shout out.
No single-use plastics, guys.

Speaker 1 Okay, so let's talk about our dinner the other night.

Speaker 2 We'll start with this.

Speaker 2 We went to Tower Bar, which is like a great place to go, right? Great vibe. Dark.

Speaker 1 We had a great conversation about mean girls and like adult mean girls. And we're talking about, we're not talking about the movie mean girls.
I'm talking about like real life women that are.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 I want to know

Speaker 1 how do you define a mean girl?

Speaker 2 I think a mean girl is probably someone that's dealing with insecurities and therefore is deeply threatened

Speaker 2 and put off by people

Speaker 2 who feel

Speaker 2 who feel like it highlights what they dislike about themselves.

Speaker 2 I think a mean girl is someone who projects a very different version of themselves to the public and then, you know, behind closed doors is just like spewing mad shit that says nothing about the other person.

Speaker 2 It's all about them. Or someone who, someone who can't be friends with someone who's doing better than them is a fucking mean girl.

Speaker 1 I completely agree with, I think every single person is a girl. Or dude.

Speaker 2 Dudes are the same way. It's it takes like if you can't be happy for someone that's doing better than you or or has something that you want and there's not a

Speaker 2 there should never be a sting. Yeah, I don't feel like there should be a lingering sting.

Speaker 1 I agree with you, and I, something I was thinking about was like, I agree with you on the mean girl thing.

Speaker 1 I think there's like such a deep-rooted insecurity, and there it almost feels like there's this underlying like anger in them.

Speaker 2 Everybody deals with like feeling like they're not enough or they're not funny and smart, successful, whatever it is. Everybody has those feelings.

Speaker 2 You need to buck up, grab your vagina, and differentiate that how you're feeling has no merit to what other people are doing. You need to be like this.
Yeah. You need to like, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 Like, I just find that to be, it's so embarrassing.

Speaker 1 Listen, I think there is a different level of like, everyone talks shit.

Speaker 2 It's a bonding technique, A, it's therapeutic. Yeah.
And it's really not that big of a fucking deal.

Speaker 1 You can tell when someone's talking shit and it's like a genuine like, oh, you're like really upset about this.

Speaker 2 If you're like bothered.

Speaker 1 Yes. Like it's a joke.
Yeah. Like we're chilling.

Speaker 2 You're too close to it if you're so bothered.

Speaker 1 How would you handle a mean girl who you can tell is like genuinely trying to like make you feel like shit?

Speaker 2 Um, I think like in any situation, you have to get ahead of it. And like directness is always the best way.

Speaker 2 It throws people off, especially you get one of those kinds of girls that's like really trying to like whip in nay nay and like fuck you up. You're like, you want to dance?

Speaker 2 Let's start fencing like the parent trap. Like you want to play.
Let's fucking play. I'll stab you right in the eyeball.
Like, we're not doing this dance.

Speaker 2 So, I like to nip shit in the bud and let them know what time it is. Like, I'm, I see, we're watching a different movie.
You're watching Mean Girls, and I'm watching poltergeist.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like, I do not fuck like that.

Speaker 1 So, what the fuck would you say to someone?

Speaker 2 I'd be like, what is your intent here? Are you trying to, like, you just have to like get a high beam flashlight and just roll and be like, like, what is your agenda here?

Speaker 1 just cutting right because i think could people could also argue like just killing people with kindness if that's i don't know journey

Speaker 1 that's personally not mine also i will say i think sometimes with my energy i'm like i just like don't have the energy for you like be a bitch and i'm literally like this is so embarrassing for you and then you can just sit like a little shiva and you just clip it right we're not you we're not friends i've had people write in i've like if someone's being a bitch to me you can really just say hey caroline like caroline i don't know anyone caroline what's the agenda of this conversation yeah What's your agenda?

Speaker 1 Or what my dad always told me to say is, what's your point?

Speaker 2 Yeah. What's your point?

Speaker 1 Because then they're like, well, my point. No, no, no.
What's your actual point?

Speaker 2 Where are we going here?

Speaker 2 And there's something that's so off-putting about being like very brazen in a conversation when you can feel that someone's trying to like mince you, put you into a corner to say something so you look stupid or embarrass you.

Speaker 2 Just you just lean the fuck in. Go harder.
And humor diffuses everything and is like the ultimate, like, it's just, it's the card. It's the card that always fucking wins.

Speaker 1 You're right. You're right.

Speaker 2 So you can diffuse anything and say exactly what you need to and make it like light and fluffy and not drama because I don't play that game either. There's nothing more cringe and embarrassing.

Speaker 2 You don't want to be the girl crying at a dinner because like Katie from Milwaukee hurts your feelings because she doesn't like your ankle boots.

Speaker 2 Making it about me. No, literally.

Speaker 1 I get what you're saying.

Speaker 2 Just like take control of the narrative, make it funny and be unbothered.

Speaker 1 How do we make it funny?

Speaker 2 How do you make it funny? I think you get ahead of it. I think, like, self-deprecation always really works.
Yep.

Speaker 1 But, like, if someone said, say, some, say, a girl's in a room with everyone, and like, a guy didn't end up texting the girl back, and her friend's a fucking mean girl asshole.

Speaker 1 And she's like, yeah, well, Johnny didn't text Sarah back. Oh,

Speaker 2 I'd be like, yeah, it's probably because I have herpes.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, it's probably because I have like small tits and no ass. And like, it's something like making fun of yourself that you're.

Speaker 2 It's probably because I have herpes, but like, like i'll just like kill him tonight

Speaker 2 and you kirsten

Speaker 2 you just like get ahead of it be like yeah oh my god what will i do i'm probably just gonna like die alone because i'm just like so unfuckable and you say that maybe not that exact thing but you say like yeah i'm gonna die alone right um kirsten what's your point yeah kirsten do you feel good yay kirsten yeah kirsten you're like kirsten you good now richard and henry you look cooler to everyone in the room we good now kirsten woo okay let's all go back to having a good time Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Airbnb.

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Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Shopify.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 1 it's the shopping season, and I love to buy clothes, things, and treats, and gifts. And it's like, I get so giddy during this time.

Speaker 1 On one hand, yes, I'm a consumer, but I'm also a business owner, daddy gang, okay? And I have new merch on the block.

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Speaker 1 What do you think is a character flaw of yours?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 without a doubt, no hesitation, I can lack empathy.

Speaker 2 I can be very, very

Speaker 2 unempathetic towards myself and towards everybody else. I don't have like an amazingly large sensitivity chip.
So sometimes now I've learned to just fake it a little bit. Scarlett

Speaker 2 because it's the best I can do. But I don't really have like the threshold

Speaker 2 to sit at a lunch and like hear my girlfriend complain about her boyfriend over and over, and then they break up and then they get back, and then she hates him, and then this happened, and then that happened.

Speaker 2 I have little to zero empathy for, like, and even things that are worse than that. Like, I'm a little desensitive.

Speaker 1 You're gonna be more like the friend that's like, okay, so we've had this conversation 10 times. We can't talk about this anymore.
Like, you got to break up with him or shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Do you think that comes more with like experience and age?

Speaker 2 I think it comes from a lot of things. I think I'm like pre-dispositioned to just be like that.
I've kind of always been like that, which is terrible. And then I've like been through shit.

Speaker 2 I lost my mom pretty suddenly. I lost, like, I've been through like a lot of like seemingly traumatic events, and I don't use those like as a crutch.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I just, I, and you're not supposed to do this.
You're never supposed to like compare like traumas or tragedies, but like, I would, I just,

Speaker 2 I think that a lot of complaining is so counterproductive.

Speaker 1 I actually

Speaker 1 can totally see where you're coming from. My, my best friend had lost her father.
Yeah. And I remember having a conversation with her where she was like, everything now just sounds so dumb.
Like dumb.

Speaker 1 Like dumb. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. And then like, I mean, you'll get friends that, that call you that need to talk about like something that is so trivial.

Speaker 2 And if you're someone who doesn't, like I, and I'm working on it, but I would, I'm not someone who like leans on people.

Speaker 2 I've, I try, I've been better about it, but like I don't like attention for sad stuff.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 I have a hard time

Speaker 2 understanding and comprehending and like being a pillar of support for people who are so comfortable getting attention for sad stuff.

Speaker 1 You know what? I think it's also, there's a lot of people that find like

Speaker 1 almost get fueled and find like connection through

Speaker 1 connecting, being like just complaining about everything to people, their person.

Speaker 2 And trauma bond, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I actually, I am similar to you in that aspect of like, I remember, I would be interested to know if this affected you with your husband, but like, I remember in the beginning of dating, my boyfriend would always be like, okay.

Speaker 1 I am your partner. I can tell you're upset about something.
Like, do you want to share it? Totally. I'm like grossed out by like talking about my issues

Speaker 1 because I feel like I'm too aware that they're like, it's trivial. To me, it's big right now, but this is trivial.
Like, I don't need, we don't need to talk about it. I'm upset about this.

Speaker 1 Like, let's move on. Where then my partner's like, yeah, but like, this is like, if you're upset about this, like, let's talk about it.
Totally.

Speaker 1 Does Andrew ask you to be like, babe, can you give me like a little something here?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think that he, yeah, my husband definitely like feels close and wants to share and wants to, and I'm,

Speaker 2 I just,

Speaker 2 I've worked on it a lot. I still have a lot of room to grow because it's just not my thing.
Like it is not my default setting. It is so uncomfortable for me.

Speaker 2 I get like, just, I'm just like icked by it. I'm a self processor and I just, it's where I do the clearest thinking and healing.

Speaker 2 healing and I get defensive sometimes even with friends because I feel like they it validates them

Speaker 2 for me to dump or to you know emotionally it validates the relationship or that I'm turning to them or I'm leaning on them and maybe that's me being like fucked up and guarded which it could be but I don't need to do that

Speaker 2 so I don't want to do that.

Speaker 1 I just think, listen, if you feel like you're, you process shit alone, I think especially for women, you almost feel like, what's, why do I not want to like

Speaker 2 guarded or you're like secretive? It's so not, everyone's fucking different. Like, if you don't feel like sharing, you don't have to share.
I agree. Share.

Speaker 1 I agree.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 You brought up your mom. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I have a lot of people write in that are like, how do I handle grief? And I understand everyone deals with it differently.

Speaker 2 Totally. Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How would you give advice to someone that is like recently going through grief? Just like how to even understand it, handle it, move forward?

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 it really is like case by case. And I think that people who are like going through like a very difficult time should know that literally everything is temporary.

Speaker 2 Like everything in the world is temporary.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 for me, I was I like went through like a really weird time where I was just like my whole world was shook. Like everything I thought I knew was different.

Speaker 2 Like everything, like every security anchor was gone. And I was like freeballing.
And I was like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 So in those situations, whether you're grieving or not grieving, like, and your life is uprooted and you're in transitional. periods, it's like you either sink or you swim.

Speaker 2 But for me, stagnant is not an option. So obviously, like I go through so many things.
It's like a random Tuesday where you're just like crying in a car and you're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 I've always used humor to deal with everything. It makes everything easier.
And for people who don't understand, I totally get it. I've got friends that are like, you're so fucking weird.

Speaker 2 This is so dark. What is wrong with you? I understand that too.
For me, I've always used it. It makes everything easier to digest.
It's not like, it's not deflective coping. It's kind of like,

Speaker 2 it is what it is. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 and i would say like you kind of have to make like an internal decision are you gonna sink are you gonna swim for me my whole agenda when my mom died my throat's closing up

Speaker 2 you're like can i drink my juice i'm like sweating do you have any vodka um

Speaker 2 when

Speaker 2 i like really got in the mindset where it's like i don't want attention for for I don't want to walk into a room and get like the loose clutch on my shoulder of people being like, how are you doing?

Speaker 2 And how's your dad? And are you okay? And oh, your mom loved you. I'm like, no shit, bitch.
I know my mom loved me. She hated you.
Like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, you start getting in that mode where it's like, now people, your whole identity is like you're walking around with a black veil. Some people love that.
We call them grief groupies.

Speaker 2 This is the problem. There are human beings who are finally getting attention and they fucking love it.

Speaker 2 So you go through something terrible and then everyone feels bad for you and then everyone shows up with the casseroles and you feel like you got a little gold validation sticker on your fucking forehead.

Speaker 2 That's where you get into a weird rhythm of being the victim.

Speaker 2 That's not the vibe because that has an expiration date and then everybody goes back to work in three months and everyone fucking forgot because it's no longer relevant. To you, still very relevant.

Speaker 2 To all the other people, it doesn't matter. So I think like you have to,

Speaker 2 I just always said that I was gonna like commemorate my mother's life with living the fuck out of mine. It doesn't mean that you don't have terrible days.

Speaker 2 It doesn't mean you don't feel sad or you miss them. That's always going to exist.
But

Speaker 2 why would you not

Speaker 2 want it?

Speaker 2 want to experience your like why wouldn't you want to just have a good day when you can have a fucking good day and a lot of that is about like emotional boundaries and people who don't who don't serve you like it's it becomes like this whole aftershock wave.

Speaker 2 You have to kind of just like dial it in and do the best you fucking can. Yeah.
It's, it's really, I don't even, I feel like I haven't said anything.

Speaker 1 No, no, I think you said so much. And it's helpful to hear because.

Speaker 2 It's just a decision.

Speaker 1 I think that's really.

Speaker 1 I don't want to use the word powerful, but like you, the way you articulate it, you said, you did say so much because I think that there's a mentality of like, I mean, I've talked to my friend Lauren about this, like her trying to decide like, where, where am I going to go with my life?

Speaker 1 Because I have my life and my dad has his life.

Speaker 1 And like, there's just a lot of shit you have to deal with internally of like separating your own self from then what happened, if that makes any fucking sense.

Speaker 2 A thousand percent.

Speaker 1 But also still knowing like that's your parent and you like, it's, it's, it's

Speaker 2 there's so many layers to grief and like every instance is different.

Speaker 2 All I can say is that you just have to like make a conscious decision that you're not gonna walk around with a vigil candle and a fucking deli platter and Shiva flowers like Alex Cooper.

Speaker 2 It's all coming for full circle back to the end of the day. Shiva flowers.
This is why I was triggered.

Speaker 2 You're literally like, do you know how many funerals I've been to with the sad fucking deli platters?

Speaker 2 I can't even go to a valley deli anymore because I've been to so many fucking funerals and the Jews love deli platters.

Speaker 2 And then you're like, can you imagine you just put a family member in the ground and then you're making like a pastrami sandwich?

Speaker 2 And then you look around and you see these urns and the fucking shitty ass Ralph's flowers. It's terrible.

Speaker 1 Jaggie is fully triggered. She's like, why did you bring me here? I thought this was supposed to be fun.
No, I really do appreciate my last question about this, which I think is very important,

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 there are people that on this unself-aware spectrum

Speaker 1 have no idea.

Speaker 1 how to handle if a friend is going through something and has lost someone in their life. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And can you just quickly explain

Speaker 1 things that have like been, you don't have to give examples, but you could have things that are said that you're like, don't say this, you fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 Please don't say everything happens for a reason, or you will get slapped.

Speaker 2 Everything happens for a reason. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Katie. Have fun with your mom.
Like, shut the fuck up. Don't do not.
Anything that is on some spiritual religious bumper sticker. Don't you fucking dare drop that shit.
Don't do it.

Speaker 2 When you see a butterfly, don't say, that's, I could tell that was your mom.

Speaker 2 I fucking hate butterflies.

Speaker 1 You get a fucking fly swatter. You're like, fuck.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I saw a rainbow yesterday and I knew it was your mom. I was like.

Speaker 2 Do you want to get hit?

Speaker 2 Do you want to get hit? Do you want to get hit?

Speaker 1 It's, this is, this is what

Speaker 2 it's fine. Did you, oh, she did this for you.

Speaker 2 So when I bought my house,

Speaker 2 I, this is like a whole other conversation. Okay.

Speaker 2 I found my house. It was unlisted.
It was off-market. My realtor calls me.
He's like, hey, there's this house coming for sale. I only wanted to buy it in this one neighborhood.
Whatever.

Speaker 2 So I go to the house. I break in.
It was vacant. The guy was dead.
Whatever.

Speaker 1 Broke in through the back. The guy's dead inside?

Speaker 2 No, thank God. He had died.
Went to hospice in Texas. Dead, out, fine.
Great. Vacant.
So I like, you know, jimmied my way in, and I was like, oh my god, I love this house.

Speaker 2 So I'm talking to my grandparents, and they said, oh, how's how's your guys' house hunt coming? And I'm like, oh, it's good. I think I found a house today.
We're going to put an offer.

Speaker 2 And they're like, which house is it? We used to live in that neighborhood. And I give them the address, and it was my mother's childhood home.
So I now live in my mother's childhood home. Okay.

Speaker 2 I did not know. I had never been there because when my grandparents like lived in a different state, we never went there.
It would, it, right, I, I wasn't alive, right?

Speaker 2 So that automatically made me hate the house because I was like, oh my god, that's so weird. Now it's gonna be like this whole like butterflies and rainbows and like becher bullshit.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I'm not dealing with it. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 So I then got into like a severe bidding war where I had to basically bankrupt the entirety of our bank accounts to get this fucking house because I loved it so much.

Speaker 2 It was locked up in probate, blah, blah, blah. It took me like a year to get this fucking house.

Speaker 2 Very ruthless-spitting war. So, I overpaid by like

Speaker 2 an obscene amount of money that I can't even really say out loud because it will be alienating and disgusting. Whatever.

Speaker 2 So, I get into this house, I have my family over for like the first holiday, and every single motherfucker looks at me with that fucking hand, with that loose little grip, the little shoulder grip, and the upper, the lip quiver, and says, Your mom got you this house.

Speaker 2 Your mom brought this house to you. And I'm looking at them, and I'm thinking to myself,

Speaker 2 I've had to spread my legs metaphorically behind a microphone and hawking every product under the sun on Instagram like a shameless, ruthless prostitute for years so that I could buy this house because I bought the house.

Speaker 2 I wanted to buy the house. Me.
I bought the house. Bled my bank accounts dry.
And you have the nerve to tell me that this bitch, my dead mother, brought me the house.

Speaker 2 If that was the case, I would have fucking inherited it. I would have bought it before the pandemic when the housing market was a little more stable.
Okay, how dare you?

Speaker 2 And I said, It took everything in me. I was clutching my martini glass, like with a white knuckling it, and I just wanted to bash it over everyone's head.

Speaker 2 And I even said to my dad, I'm like, if one more motherfucker says to me that my dead mom got me this house, I'm gonna live.

Speaker 2 Somebody's gonna die in this house, and then the property value will really plummet.

Speaker 2 And we'll have to borrow your flowers for the Shiva.

Speaker 1 It's so shocked.

Speaker 2 Fuck you.

Speaker 1 You are leaving today with them.

Speaker 2 I'm not taking them. I hate them.

Speaker 1 These are real. These are real.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 We couldn't go low and tight. Had to go.
Couldn't go low and full.

Speaker 1 He's crying.

Speaker 2 Come here. Sorry.

Speaker 1 Okay, he's crying. He's upset.
Sorry, Henry.

Speaker 2 Because, okay,

Speaker 1 this is my thought.

Speaker 1 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 1 Please. Just shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Just be like, this sucks so bad. I'm so fucking sorry.
This is terrible. Like, what do you, what can I do?

Speaker 1 Okay, that's what I was going to say. Everyone deals with grief differently.
So follow your friend's lead. If it's also not your fucking friend and it's acquaintance, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Please don't. I had, it was so funny.
Like, I had a friend that would like weaponize like my grief. Like, it wasn't like, I wasn't like, like, I wasn't like coming to her to cry.

Speaker 2 Like, I was going to other people. And then she, like, was like, do you not like feel comfortable with me? Or do you not like feel close to me? And I'm like, you're literally the worst.

Speaker 1 Like, you're making this about you.

Speaker 2 How are we? You suck so bad. And honestly, like, I should send her an edible arrangement because I need to thank her because she made the whole experience like so diffusive.
Cause I was like, oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Like, you just took me out of my grief because now I just want to fucking headbutt you. You're so stupid.

Speaker 1 Wait, like, what? What do you mean? How is this? How did we make this about you?

Speaker 2 what movie are you what what it was like i had a stroke i was like poor qua do i need to like

Speaker 2 do i need to apologize to you because i'm not like sad enough for you yeah i think that's the wrap of up of that is like if it's if it's not your shit shut just just literally you don't need to like not talk but like it's not like that it's just like read just let the person read the room do their thing yes thank you and that's totally okay that is such an extreme place of privilege to not understand and I honestly think that's amazing and you should just like run with that it's fabulous you lucky son of a bitch but um yeah it's like an it's an extreme it's an extreme tier of privilege to like not understand that that level of and that's cool too totally but if if acknowledge you don't know it and so don't act like you have any fucking comprehension of what happened oh my god i love one like a friend who was like i know like i lost my um my pet kitty when i was three and i was like cool.

Speaker 1 Even, like, sorry to say this, I need to move these.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Um, please.

Speaker 1 Even, even, and I'm not trying to be an asshole, but even grandparents, grandparents.

Speaker 2 It's the circle of life.

Speaker 2 Q symbi.

Speaker 1 Let me guess they were 80, 90. Like, lie down.

Speaker 2 Go to sleep, as Kelly Bensma once, or Bethany Franklin once said, go to sleep. Right.
Like, they had a good run.

Speaker 1 Right. And that's, like, natural.
Like, what were you expecting? They were going to have like a revibe and just start. Like,

Speaker 1 that was how it was supposed to go.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. My grandpa was like, literally, I was prepared for him to die for like 12 years.
My parents were like, listen, grandpa's like not super healthy.

Speaker 2 He's like totally overweight, like, had a terrible lifestyle. They told me this when I was seven.
That fucker hung around till I was like 25. It became like a bit in my family.

Speaker 2 I was like, you're still here.

Speaker 2 I've been prepared for years. I grew out of my fucking funeral dress.

Speaker 1 No, you're so right.

Speaker 2 It's like I have one black outfit. I don't even fit in it anymore, grandpa.
Jesus Christ, you're milking the clock.

Speaker 2 Turn.

Speaker 1 So I can put you in the urn.

Speaker 2 Urn.

Speaker 1 And Alex can put you in here. We can play.
He made a much bigger

Speaker 2 urn. He was

Speaker 2 a very obese man.

Speaker 2 It would take up the whole room.

Speaker 1 Shout out, Jackie's grandpa. Love you.

Speaker 2 Love you.

Speaker 1 Is he still here? No, he's dead.

Speaker 2 Wow, Alex.

Speaker 2 Okay. Long gone.
Okay, we're off.

Speaker 1 We're moving off the grief topic.

Speaker 1 I think my last thing is this.

Speaker 1 This is actually just out of curiosity.

Speaker 1 What happened to your Zimmerman dress?

Speaker 2 This is still on the topic of grief, by the way.

Speaker 2 I've experienced so much loss.

Speaker 1 You're like, fuck my grandpa.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about the Zimmerman dress. The Zimmerman dress.
Honestly, you know, hindsight's 2020. I'm like, I'm too cool for a Zimmerman MIDI dress.

Speaker 2 Like, I've evolved.

Speaker 2 Jesus, this is funny. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, give it to me.

Speaker 2 Well, I was attending a baby shower. Okay.

Speaker 2 And I was trying to find something. Like, I found this dress.
It was a Zimmerman dress. It had like a molded cup balconet with a cutout.
Pockets. She loves pockets.
I love pockets. Wow.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And it was in my size. I didn't have to wear a bra.
I looked cute. Like, I had just had a parasite.
so I was very gaunt.

Speaker 1 You were like, winning!

Speaker 2 Like, literally, my clavicle was protruding, and I had like an upper rib cage thing because I was shitting out my colon for weeks.

Speaker 1 No, this is like people are going to be pissed. When we were at Tower Bar, and you were like, I've just been feeling like a little, like, just like blow to whatever.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And Jackie turns to the waiter.

Speaker 1 She's like, could I get

Speaker 1 some like expired salmon?

Speaker 2 I'm like, do you have a raw salmon filet

Speaker 2 that's unrefrigerated?

Speaker 2 The guy did not get that at all. He was like, pardon? I was like,

Speaker 2 never mind. I'll just have the brands, you know.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you're gaunt. You're ready with your dress.

Speaker 2 I was ready to rumble. Found this dress.
I had it hooked in the back of my car.

Speaker 2 And I have a convertible. And I was doing a bathroom renovation.
I'm very hands-on with my renovations. I love the Home Depot.
It makes me feel alive. I love it.
Insecure girls, go to Home Depot.

Speaker 2 Wear something tight and sexy. You will get accosted.

Speaker 1 You know what's crazy? It's already cut you off, but I remember back, back, back in the day where I said some controversial shit.

Speaker 1 I was self-aware enough to know that if I went to the University of Arizona, I was going to be like a five on the scale. Austin University?

Speaker 2 The same thing at a Home Depot. Give me a 12.
If you go to a Valley Home Depot, you've got better odds. If you go to like anything off the 405, it kind of depends.
It's all about geography.

Speaker 1 You could run into Giselle, so you're going to be the toad.

Speaker 2 Canoga Park Home Depot, you'll never feel anything like it.

Speaker 1 So you're saying you go there and you feel the hottest, most beautiful version of yourself.

Speaker 2 It is the Victoria Secret fashion show reboot at the Home Depot before 10 a.m. when all the contractors are there.
Like there's no like women, like, you know, you're it. That's it.

Speaker 2 So I was there at about 7.35 in the morning. Jesus.
I know. Rise and grind.
Okay.

Speaker 1 She's got construction.

Speaker 2 Literally grinding with contractors in aisle four.

Speaker 2 And I was in a bike short looking so cute, sawing my own fucking trim. I needed like one piece of trim for a door.
I was trying to wrap it up, you know?

Speaker 2 And the trim was very long. So I had, I figured the only way I could fit it in my car was to put my top down and shimmy it in the front so it could hang out the back.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Super safe.

Speaker 1 In your convertible.

Speaker 2 In my convertible. This is like final destination shit.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So in

Speaker 2 the transportation of my

Speaker 2 trim piece, I had the dress hooked on the back. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And I'm driving on the freeway and I'm holding my holding the trim because I didn't really feel like having it. God forbid.

Speaker 2 I mean, honestly, in hindsight, I wish that that trim would have fucking hightailed it out of the car and like punctured the car behind me and I could have kept the dress because I didn't have something something to wear to the shower.

Speaker 2 I couldn't find anything.

Speaker 2 I'm holding the trim. I'm driving, like, cursing the day that my husband was born because he's like off at a trip somewhere.
And I'm just schlepping lumber, literally schlepping lumber.

Speaker 2 And I look behind me and I, all of a sudden, like, I'm driving, and I just see like a pink, like a... like a pink parachute rising into the sky off the 101 freeway at 7.34 in the morning.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, huh. I look behind.
It was like like slow-mo. I see my fucking dress catch wind

Speaker 2 and fly the fuck out of my car. Okay.
So now I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Like,

Speaker 2 what do I even do? So I call Highway Patrol. I get off the freeway.
I didn't even know who to call. I literally was like, I have a dress.
It was $850, by the way. Okay.
Okay. Tags attached.

Speaker 1 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Glad I did, you know,

Speaker 2 it wasn't my journey aesthetically, but it was an expensive dress that I never got to fucking wear. And it was sold out in the size I needed because everyone kept sending me the certain sizes.

Speaker 2 I needed a two, two for the tits. Two for the tits.
Two for the tits. Sold out.

Speaker 2 So I pull over on the side of the road. I'm now like pilfering through bushes.

Speaker 1 You get out of your car?

Speaker 2 I kind of, I did a little peruse. Okay.
I did a little peruse, but then I thought, you know what? I called the Highway Patrol. They're going to return it.

Speaker 2 Like, they're going to get it dry cleaned for me. I had a massage.
And I was like, what world are you living in? I don't know. Listen, I live in suburbia.
I figured, listen, I call these guys.

Speaker 2 i'm like i have a dress that flew out of my car yeah i feel like they get abusing no literally you're abusing someone was stabbed yeah usually it's like there's a rug on the side of the road someone was stabbed there's an animal that's dead there's a car kidnapping my zimmerman dress was 900 could you guys do a loop yeah could you guys one of those zigzags you know where you shut the freeway down during rush hour I'm like, it has cutouts and pockets.

Speaker 2 It's like so cute. It's so good.
It's so hard for me to find a dress where I don't have to wear a bra.

Speaker 1 They're like, ma'am. You're like, no, no, no.
Side.

Speaker 2 And like, I just, like, I don't know, like, should I pull over on the rest? Like, I don't know. Like, I just feel like this is like a safety breach.

Speaker 2 I've already been like sexually harassed at Home Depot. I'm not trying to, like, get picked up.

Speaker 1 And what are they saying?

Speaker 2 I mean, they were laughing. Of course.

Speaker 1 We all are now, Jackie.

Speaker 2 We were laughing. Like, we were having a good time.
I'm like, here's where I live. Like, there's a dry cleaner's down.
I was like making all the jokes. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So I thought, 100%, they're going to fucking, they're going to pick it up, drop it off. So then I, like, you know, I had to deliver my trim pieces.

Speaker 2 I've got guys on the clock okay i'm not fucking around

Speaker 2 and this is all so relatable and likable daddy gang's gonna love this then i had a massage and i

Speaker 2 so my phone was in my locker whatever and i had posted all of these stories in one of the stories that i had posted on instagram you can see the dress off the freeway you can see its exact location like under a fence under a pickup truck that was parked on the side of the road like it's like behind you while you're filming you can see the pink someone spot i missed missed it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So all of a sudden, I've been getting like so many messages of people circling, like, I see where your dress is.
I see where your dress is. I knew exactly where it was.
I get back in my car.

Speaker 2 I drive back. It's not there.
The next day,

Speaker 2 the dress in my size, tags attached, sold out everywhere, is available for sale for pickup in the Los Angeles location of the Real Real.

Speaker 2 Full price. Full price.

Speaker 2 And I'm like,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 So, some shady fuck,

Speaker 2 honestly, love them. If you did this, I will like please show yourself.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we respect you.

Speaker 2 I respect you. I like you.
I will go to tower bar with you and we'll get raw salmons together.

Speaker 2 Some shady ass bitch rolled up because I was giving like

Speaker 2 very specific geographics.

Speaker 2 I remember you posting about if you get off at Canoga and make a rap, it's going to be somewhere near there.

Speaker 1 What are you thinking? These are people that love me and support me. They will bring bring the dress to me.
They will get it dry cleaned and bring it to me.

Speaker 2 I thought someone, like, I imagine like a bunch of girls, 25 to 35, in bitch by bull merch and like fucking highway patrol, like neon vests with flashlights, like searching for this dress.

Speaker 2 That's in my head where I like just Hawkin matcha with their shihhtzus like patrolling the valley for my dress. A search and rescue mission.

Speaker 1 You didn't think.

Speaker 2 No, I never thought. Naive.

Speaker 1 That a little cunt is going to say,

Speaker 2 and you know who'd do something like that? Me.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something. When I was 18 years old, if I found out some bitch

Speaker 2 had, you know, a Zimmerman dress go airborne off the side of the 101 freeway and it was tags attached for $8.50 and I was eating bagel bites for three weeks, you think I wouldn't be tits deep on the side of the freeway searching for that fucking dress?

Speaker 2 You are dead wrong. So I can relate and I respect it.
it.

Speaker 1 I have no words.

Speaker 1 I guess we have to, we end it by respectfully respecting the cunt that went out of her way.

Speaker 2 This one's for her.

Speaker 1 This one's for her.

Speaker 1 Whoever you are, I actually

Speaker 1 would fucking love. Love.
If you reached out to us. Show yourself.
We would actually really respect you. I will.

Speaker 2 You're like, well, no, no, no. If this person exposes themselves with receipt, we need a receipt from the real reel.
I need need like all, like, I need a full manila folder to showcase that it's you.

Speaker 2 I will take you to Zimmerman and I will buy you a full outfit.

Speaker 1 It was me.

Speaker 2 Alex, we're going to Zimmerman.

Speaker 1 Jackie, I know.

Speaker 2 I'm sweating. I'm sorry to bring the mood down.

Speaker 1 No, no, I love how when I'm like grief and then you're like, no, I'm going to bring it down even more.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Grandpa,

Speaker 2 hold your vigil candle.

Speaker 1 I love you. Thank you so much for coming.
I'm sweating. I'm going to pee my pants.
This was a great episode. Henry, wait, let's pull the dogs up for one quick restaurant

Speaker 1 come on pixel

Speaker 1 support for call her daddy comes from google pixel okay daddy gang listen to me let me set the scene. You are on a girls trip.
Everyone's dressed up. It's the perfect golden hour lighting.

Speaker 1 And somehow, it is impossible to get a group photo where everyone looks good. Okay.
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Camera coach, results may vary. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Dominoes.

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Speaker 1 You know, listen up, okay?

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Speaker 2 Okay, can I defend the flowers now?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 2 What? I need to defend the flowers now. Oh, did you do this? I do them every week.
They're

Speaker 2 one of my greatest prides. Okay.
Takers A. B.
Let me just tell you. Okay, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 But this week, I went to both Bristol Farms and Rouse, went twice, bought a pair, still didn't think they looked good enough. Okay, okay.
No, no. Went back for more.
Those pink ones I hate.

Speaker 2 They're the only ones that I could find, and it's been a journey.

Speaker 1 Jordan, let me also defend you.

Speaker 2 It's not

Speaker 2 the vase.

Speaker 1 The vase is not your fault.

Speaker 2 No, it's not the flowers. It's The turquoise?

Speaker 2 She paints it off.

Speaker 2 Alex is like, I really wanted your flowers. She went to color be mine?

Speaker 2 I was like, your Christmas gift. I was like, oh, what the fuck is that?

Speaker 1 Alex is like, I really want a green vase.

Speaker 2 I thought I wanted it to be like a color.

Speaker 1 And Jordan said she's great at 2001 degrees, and that is the best news.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 1 we don't take it personally. We are, we need to get it together.
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