He’s Not “Just a Bad Texter”

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Speaker 1 Daddy Gang, welcome back to another Sunday session with your father. I am so excited to be back with you guys and to spend this lovely, lovely Sunday, just you and me.
I woke up this morning to

Speaker 1 probably

Speaker 1 one of the best texts that a girl can get from one of her single girlfriends. It was a screenshot of the conversation my friend was having with the guy that she recently started seeing.

Speaker 1 And she asked me,

Speaker 1 what should I say

Speaker 1 now

Speaker 1 this type of shit is my Super Bowl like in this moment I'm fucking stretching I'm warming up my thumbs I'm asking for more screenshots I'm like send me more context send me all the things like I'm setting up a game plan in this moment.

Speaker 1 This is the shit I fucking love. Like, do we want him to ask you out again, right? Like, I'm setting the scene of like, what do we want out of this, right?

Speaker 1 Like, do we want to start sexting in this moment? Do we need a one-liner to kind of put him in his place? Like, what exactly is our objective here? And all my friends know I fucking love this shit.

Speaker 1 So I'm always the person that they ask for this advice. Basically, he had asked her what her plans were for the weekend.

Speaker 1 So what she needed was for us to kind of craft the perfect answer that made her sound not too available, but it still left a little room for him to like ask her out on another date.

Speaker 1 And after a few texts back and forth, we successfully secured my friend a Sunday brunch date. And I am now on standby, ready to go for the next texting round.
Sunday morning, fat this Cautlin.

Speaker 1 Do do do do do do do do.

Speaker 1 Every Sunday's fat this day.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? That was pretty good, right?

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Speaker 1 Here's the thing, Daddy Gang. You know, I love the outdoors.
I love it. I love it.

Speaker 1 And I love it until I don't have service. Okay.
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Speaker 1 Here's the thing that I was thinking about, and I kind of want to talk about right now: is like,

Speaker 1 as sad as it may be,

Speaker 1 the truth is texting can genuinely make or break a new potential relationship. That's a fact.
This is the day and age that we live in. I know people may fucking hate it.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I do too, but it's the reality of the situation.

Speaker 1 If you are texting too much or not texting enough, or he doesn't get your tone or the cadence is off, it can literally make it feel like there is incompatibility and there is an issue that may actually not even exist there in real life, but the texting is the thing that is completely fucking the whole thing up.

Speaker 1 And this is why I personally feel really

Speaker 1 strong that in the initial stages of dating, the majority of your conversations need to be face-to-face.

Speaker 1 And I know sometimes that's not as easy as we want it to be, but like it is imperative that you are majority in the beginning face to face.

Speaker 1 And when it comes to texting someone that you are in the early stages of seeing, less, which I've learned throughout my years, less is so, so, so much more.

Speaker 1 Again, depending on the relationship you're going for, if you're just going to like have the fuck boy and you want him to like talk to you and you want to get into the plans, sure, texting can be like a game changer.

Speaker 1 But if you're looking for a real genuine relationship is is what I'm talking about here today, Daddy Gang, texting less is more.

Speaker 1 Texting, in my opinion, can really blur the lines in terms of getting to know someone.

Speaker 1 It can create this like false sense of closeness and you may end up falling for a version of this person that doesn't actually exist, right? Like

Speaker 1 when you're texting someone, you're not really talking to them the way that you would in real life. They are curating their side of the conversation.

Speaker 1 They have time to craft the perfect message back to you.

Speaker 1 There's also a chance that they're not even the one that is sending it.

Speaker 1 Maybe their best friend, aka me, is the one coming up with the response and that is actually the fucking person that you're texting.

Speaker 1 You're not actually texting the person that you had sex with the other night. You're texting their best friend, which like, you know, we are one in the same, but that's not the fucking point.
Okay.

Speaker 1 In real life, there is a natural flow that tells you if you guys click, right?

Speaker 1 But over text, you can can just never tell if the chemistry is actually real or is it like, God, we have such good texting banter chemistry.

Speaker 1 And I know sometimes texting can be a lot and it can almost feel like the security blanket in the early days of dating, especially emphasis on especially before the first date.

Speaker 1 It can make you feel way less nervous to go and fucking meet a random person.

Speaker 1 Like, yeah, I'm going to want to have a good amount of texting before I like randomly show up and be like, hey, Bob, like we want to have a little inside joke already.

Speaker 1 Like there's things that I totally get leaning into texting before you meet someone.

Speaker 1 It gives you reassurance that you will be able to even have a fucking conversation with them when you actually meet them in person. So I totally get that.

Speaker 1 But I think it comes to a point where the constant texting, it then just makes it almost awkward in person. Like light on the awkward.

Speaker 1 It depends, but it could be kind of awkward in person because you don't really know this guy, but now you feel like you do because you're having these long, deep paragraph conversations and then you meet in person again and it's like your third date and you've like had some like really honest conversations on text, but then one of you is not really leaning as much because you're kind of a coward because you're like, that was easy to say on text and now I don't know how to say it in person.

Speaker 1 Like it's confusing. It's genuinely confusing.
So you really only need to be texting someone, in my opinion, in early stages to just coordinate the next time that you're going to see each other.

Speaker 1 And like, obviously, a couple nice follow-ups of like, that was so fun. I'm so happy we got to hang out.
Like, let's do it again sometime.

Speaker 1 And then, like, maybe one quick check-in to be like, how was your day today? Blah, blah, blah. And then, like, when are we seeing each other again? There doesn't need to be this long span of texting.

Speaker 1 Like, when you're waking up and texting someone all day, daddy gang.

Speaker 1 And I don't mean to hurt your feelings because I have been there. That's a pen pal.

Speaker 1 That's a pen pal. I remember I had a seventh grade pen pal that like my teacher set up for us though in like a different country.
And we would like write to our pen pals. Like we don't need that.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like you don't need a man with a dick that you're trying to actually have a relationship with to become your pen pal.

Speaker 1 And it, honestly, it can become extremely boring, extremely fast, or it can be the opposite where it's so thrilling.

Speaker 1 You talk about fucking everything and more and your trauma and your wants and your needs and your hope.

Speaker 1 And then you're literally about to go on your second date and you've texting-wise, already covered A to fucking Z, they know everything about your life.

Speaker 1 Then you're kind of like, What else is left? Like, you can only

Speaker 1 think about this. You can only ask someone, How did you sleep so many times before? It's like, What are we doing here?

Speaker 1 I actually don't give a fuck how you slept because it's past 17 times I've asked you, you said, Great. Like,

Speaker 1 I totally get it. Can be fun to have someone to text.
Let's be really honest about the current stage of life that we're in.

Speaker 1 Everyone is addicted to their phones and it can be really nice to have someone to text, especially on days where you're bored or you're feeling lonely. But then I think we need to realize like

Speaker 1 this person is just filling a void for you and that is not a good way to enter into a potential real relationship, right?

Speaker 1 Like, and listen, like there's no shame in doing this because again, I have been guilty of doing it. I remember.
So in my early 20s, I was in one of those phases.

Speaker 1 I had gotten out of a long-term relationship and we all know how that goes. You get so used to texting your boyfriend all the time.
And then he was gone and I was single.

Speaker 1 And I was like, I'm just looking for some attention and some companionship. And so I saw this guy on a dating app and we both started talking on the dating app and we transitioned into texting.

Speaker 1 And he was in the NFL. He was hot.
He had tattoos. He was tall.
He was successful. And I was super interested in him.
Like, I was like, oh my God, this guy is like

Speaker 1 everything I needed in my 20s. But he didn't live in this, in the state that I lived in.
So early days, we started just texting. All of the talking that we were doing was just texting.

Speaker 1 And then at first, the texting was so fun. You guys, we were sending fucking paragraphs like I just referenced.
Like we were obsessed with each other.

Speaker 1 Like I would literally get my fucking dinner in and I would sit down and I would like craft my next paragraph, send it.

Speaker 1 And then he would sometimes answer in 30 seconds or we would like give it 30 minutes and then we are back to, he would send his paragraph. And it was like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 What I wish I could have said is, Alex, that's your pen pal, honey. That's your fucking pen pal.

Speaker 1 Why are you, if you are putting your fucking thumbs to work for a paragraph that is not making you money, stop.

Speaker 1 Let's just, let's put that into action. Daddy gang, anyone on the internet, if you think about that, why are we spending that much? Pick up the phone, go see them in person.

Speaker 1 Oh, you can't because they won't take you on a date. Then stop fucking putting sweat equity into a fucking text that's going to do nothing for you.
Nothing for you. We're just fucking mailing it in.

Speaker 1 We're like, let me give you my funniest one-liners. Let me fucking tell you my life story.
For what? For what? It's going to go fucking nowhere.

Speaker 1 It's a fun little pen pal flang that was a fucking love romance on a fucking text chain and then poof. Then you're bored.

Speaker 1 You're like, we've literally talked about every single fucking thing and I haven't even met you yet. Done.
So obviously, you know where the story goes.

Speaker 1 The texting then got boring, but then we went on to voice notes. Ah, voice notes, great, loving it.
Then the voice notes got boring. Okay.
So then I tried sexting him naturally.

Speaker 1 The only thing you can do where you're like, where do I pivot? Where do I pivot? Pussy. We started sexting.
That got boring. Then we started FaceTime sex, but it was only FaceTime sex.

Speaker 1 We weren't like having FaceTimes and talking. It would be like we'd start sexting and then it'd be like, okay, okay, okay.
And then we'd get on FaceTime sex and it would basically just be like finish.

Speaker 1 And then like the phone would land in the pillow. And then like, I don't know who ended up hanging up each time, but like we never talked much.
Okay.

Speaker 1 The point is, then it finally got to the point of like, okay, we need to plan to meet up, right? We got to meet up.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 we finally ended up meeting up in person and I realized why everything was getting boring and every part of it was getting stale and why I felt like I kept having to ramping shit up was because this man and I had zero fucking chemistry.

Speaker 1 He was not fucking interesting in my opinion. He was really fucking dumb.
He was really dumb.

Speaker 1 He was, and I was glamorizing this man across the country that played in the NFL and I was like, oh my god, you're stupid. Like

Speaker 1 we cannot intellectually connect. And that's fine.
Like, that's totally fine. But like, oh my God, how did I last when it was six months

Speaker 1 mentally not well on the head, but like, how did I last that long? We had nothing to fucking talk about in person.

Speaker 1 Now I've wasted months of my life getting excited about him and thinking about where things could go when I could have been prioritizing someone actually in my city that I could have started dating and I actually could have clicked with in real fucking life.

Speaker 1 But the texting got so in my head because it was good because no one is that fucking real on text. Think about that.

Speaker 1 I started this whole fucking story at the beginning being like, my best friend fucking told me, what should I respond to this?

Speaker 1 What? Well, what I should fucking say to her is like, what do you want to respond? But like, no, that's not fun. It's the part of the game, right? But when do you stop the game and transition to real?

Speaker 1 I also want to clarify, like, this isn't to say that relationships can't start out long distance and start out on text, right? Because you guys know Matt and I were long distance at first.

Speaker 1 But I think the key difference of why I look back of like, why did Matt and and I work compared to me and that NFL guy, aside from like IQ,

Speaker 1 was Matt and I had like actual deep in-person conversations before we had to virtually try and get to know each other. We established our rhythm and got to know each other as real human beings.

Speaker 1 We had in-person dates. We were physically connecting and emotionally connecting in person.
And I think that's honestly the reason why we were able to work out even with long distance.

Speaker 1 Also, I will say another point of why I guess it worked is that Matt and I were not texting all day, every day when we were apart. We

Speaker 1 kind of saved talking about our days and catching up on things until we set time to have FaceTime calls at night.

Speaker 1 So like we would basically not talk all day and then it basically left us room to miss each other throughout the day.

Speaker 1 And then we would get on FaceTime and talk for like an hour to two every single night. But I think when you're just nonstop texting, you get addicted to the rush rush of hearing your phone buzz.

Speaker 1 And it's hard to tell how you're actually feeling about the guy because it's this excitement of like, I wonder what he said to me. You're really, it's almost just a mirror.

Speaker 1 You're really just kind of seeing like, was my text good enough to respond to? What is he going to say to my joke? How did he respond to it?

Speaker 1 Like we're looking for validation in a really fucking weird way. And I think especially with social media, we've gotten so used to like, how many likes did I get? How many views did it get?

Speaker 1 I do think it's kind of trickling into our relationship with men on texting of like, how fast is he replying? Like it's all almost this like game that's getting a little unhealthy.

Speaker 1 I also think texting only really flows once you do get to know someone's tone. And I like, I personally have a really dry sense of humor.

Speaker 1 And there were guys, I remember when I was single, where I would be texting in the early stages. And they just like completely did not understand when I was joking about something.

Speaker 1 I remember there was this one hockey player. He was a Leo and I was a Leo and it was like a fucking disaster.

Speaker 1 And in the beginning days, I was like, oh, I think we're going to like hate fuck each other because we,

Speaker 1 like, I would send a genuinely funny, sarcastic joke, I thought. And then he would be like, what's your fucking problem?

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh my God, no. Like.

Speaker 1 I'm like, it was a joke. And he's like, why is everything a fucking joke to you? And then I would be like, oh my God, like, I'm, I'm so sorry.
I wasn't like joking about that with like your family.

Speaker 1 Like, I thought you had joked about it before. And then meanwhile, I didn't know he was being like, yeah, I know, I'm kidding.

Speaker 1 And then I'm literally like about to shit myself being like, this man thinks I'm actually a terrorist. And meanwhile, he's like fucking with me back.

Speaker 1 Completely went over both of our heads though. And we both eventually did want to kill each other.
And it was like, we did hate fuck each other.

Speaker 1 And then it went nowhere because the texting set us up for this like aggro relationship where we like actually couldn't find our rhythm and dance.

Speaker 1 And to be fair, I was so sexually attracted to this person.

Speaker 1 But had our relationship not started on texting and we had just gone on a fucking date before and just hung out and talked, I would have understood that he is a sarcastic fuck like me.

Speaker 1 But on text, I thought, I'm like, Jesus Christ, this man is so fucking emotional half the time. Why can't he take a joke? He was.
And that he was being even darker than me back to me.

Speaker 1 And I then didn't get it. And that he didn't get it.
And it was a disaster. Okay.

Speaker 1 So the point is, I think this can lead to issues that truly might end a potentially good relationship before it even starts, daddy gang.

Speaker 1 You could drive yourself crazy wondering if a guy doesn't like you because you are reading into a text that he didn't even fucking think twice about sending just because the tone got lost.

Speaker 1 Okay, R.I.P.'d at me at 20 fucking five. Shout out, really thinking I was like getting berated over text.
He was having a chuckle over a glass of fucking vodka. Okay.

Speaker 1 I was like, oh my God, had only I had been in person, I would have understood it.

Speaker 1 And now that isn't to say that you can't tell if a guy is into you or not when you're texting, because there are definitely signs that you can look out for, Daddy Gang.

Speaker 1 But it isn't him texting you, good morning, beautiful, every fucking morning, because he may have 17 other beautifuls that he's copying pasting to. You guys know one of my exes,

Speaker 1 I was like, oh my God, he would call me, good morning, beautiful. Good morning, sugar tits.
Good morning, queen of my world. Like, good morning, whatever the fuck.
I mean, this guy was creative.

Speaker 1 And little did I know when I got a hold of his fucking passwords, which I did, it was

Speaker 1 actually the craziest. Like, you think this is like lies.
When you see girls online being like, he was doing it to 32 other women, no, he was doing it to 32 other women.

Speaker 1 And it's, good morning, beautiful. Good morning, beautiful.
Good morning, beautiful. Good morning.
I'm like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 It's almost like he downloaded an app that it was like, send to every blonde in my phone.

Speaker 1 Boom, blast off hundreds of texts every fucking morning and then whoever answered he would engage with like it's real daddy gang So don't get it fucking twisted when you get the good morning beautiful.

Speaker 1 I'm not trying to make you feel like okay Alex I thought he really liked me he might but we have to be realistic about what's going on.

Speaker 1 Okay, there is a chance that that freak behind the fucking phone He could be laying next to a fucking bitch while he's sending you that so you have to be cautious. Okay.

Speaker 1 You just need to look in my opinion at the real effort he is putting in when you guys are apart and it is not a good morning beautiful. Does he check in when he knew you had a big day, right?

Speaker 1 It's not just on his time of like, what's up? Like, what are you up to? It's, oh, he remembered last week that I told him that I was going to see my grandma.

Speaker 1 We hadn't talked for 12 years and this was a make or break before she croaked. Like, that is the kind of shit that you need to be like, does he remember I'm on my way to see Nan?

Speaker 1 And like, what's going on with me and Nan? And he's like, hey, how'd you and Nan's convo go? And he's not just sending you a blanket. Hey, how was your day? It's like, I don't know, Marty.

Speaker 1 What do you think happened to me this day? I told you four days ago what I was going to be doing. Does he remember the shit you tell him? Is he asking you questions when you're having conversations?

Speaker 1 Like, are you just lightly engaging in a pretty

Speaker 1 blank conversation you could be having with anyone? Or is it very specific where he's remembering things about you and asking you questions back to yourself?

Speaker 1 I know this sounds really, really, really fucking straightforward, but you guys, if you pause, like, trust me, there are so many men that I look back and I'm like, oh my God,

Speaker 1 oh my God, he never asked me a really intimate call question that pertained to me.

Speaker 1 He could have thought I was Alex from the club, not Alex from the bar. Like, he doesn't know which Alex I am in his phone.
You know what I mean? Like, is he texting to set dates for your next date?

Speaker 1 Like, is he even asking to see you? Or is he just constantly being like, oh my God, I miss you. I can't, like, we need to see each other soon.
But it's never legit.

Speaker 1 It's very just like, oh my God, I know we got to get to it. Get to it.
What are you doing tomorrow? Oh, oh, I don't know. Non-committal, get him the fuck out the door.

Speaker 1 Like, that is the way a guy can show you over text that he likes you, personalizing things, connecting with you, remembering shit. Okay.

Speaker 1 Because I don't care how many sweet things that he says or how many fucking dick pics to the ground he's sending.

Speaker 1 He is not that into you unless he's actively putting an effort again to see you, daddy gang, in fucking person.

Speaker 1 There is no such thing as a guy being just a bad texter, right?

Speaker 1 Like I can say that Matt was a horrible fucking texter, but I'd never even said that because my God, every five fucking minutes, the guy was like trying to FaceTime me.

Speaker 1 So I never even thought that he was a bad texter because of how engaged he was on on phone calls and on FaceTimes.

Speaker 1 But if you're only relying on text to communicate with this man and he's doing a bad job, babe,

Speaker 1 like raise the bar by a fucking centimeter. You know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 1 if he only texts you when he's bored and never makes real plans, he isn't a bad texter. He does not care about you.

Speaker 1 He probably has your fucking number saved as big tits one and he keeps getting confused with big tits two. He's like, which Which one was that?

Speaker 1 Was that the one from the fucking amusement park that I was standing next to as I was ordering my hot dog? Or is that the one that was at the fucking NASCAR race when I was with all my fucking boys?

Speaker 1 Like, which one was big tit one? I forget. Who cares? I want to fuck them both.

Speaker 1 If his texting is so fucking minimal, but he puts in the effort to make a plan, that's the only reason he's texting you, and then he fucks off. Perfect, ideal.

Speaker 1 Let's, I would take rather take that than a million fucking paragraphs. Whoa, whoa, whoa beginning middle end

Speaker 1 and then it's like you want to hang out on Tuesday oh I'm so sorry I'm so busy with work like truly spare me all you need to know is the next time that you're going to see him and you can save the rest for when you are face to face okay daddy gang I honestly think it's kind of a turn off in my opinion if a guy has too much time to text you Every day, all day.

Speaker 1 What are you doing? Like, let's get a job. Let's have a fucking hobby.
Like, it is a little concerning if he's only texting you all the time.

Speaker 1 So, to the girls that actually aren't getting texts back, like, you should feel amazing right now. You are hopefully fucking guys that have jobs.
I'm just kidding.

Speaker 1 He probably also doesn't like you, but you know what I mean. Like, there's got to be a balance.
So,

Speaker 1 do not double text a man. Don't try to see what he's up to all day.
Just put your phone down, go buy a lottery ticket and see how you feel on your real life dates. Just be busy.

Speaker 1 Be busy looking for a different guy. Like when you're at the coffee shop, be busy.
Put that phone in your pocket. We're busy looking for a different dick.
And if he's texting you, you're busy.

Speaker 1 We're always busy, okay? How boring if we're just looking at our text all day, waiting for him. We're not waiting for him.
The biggest thing is just prioritize.

Speaker 1 You have to get to know each other in person. And if you get to know each other in person, you enjoy each other in person, boom, bada bang, we're good.

Speaker 1 But if you're falling in love over text, aka 22-year-old Alex,

Speaker 1 sweetie, you're in the fucking gutter, okay? He hates you and he's using you and wake the fuck up, okay?

Speaker 1 If you have good communication in real life, then texting really doesn't fucking matter is what I've realized. And you shouldn't be putting too much mental energy into it.

Speaker 1 So next time you want to text a guy just because you're bored, just please write into me instead, okay?

Speaker 1 That's a perfect way to just swerve that little fucking piece of shit dickhead who hasn't texted you in five days, but you're still triple texting him because you're like, ah, his phone service must be down.

Speaker 1 Ah, he must have lost his phone. Ah, his phone plan is dead.
Ah, he got a new phone. Ah, he lost it.
Oh my God, he forgot. He lost my note.
He didn't. He has your number.

Speaker 1 He knows exactly where you are. And he hasn't texted you because he doesn't want to text you.

Speaker 1 And the only reason that he hasn't texted you is because you guys have sent so many paragraphs to each other that he feels like he knows you inside and out that he doesn't even need to get inside of you because he's basically been inside of you and it wasn't that interesting because it was over text.

Speaker 1 Get in person get the fuck in there daddy gang okay that's my ted talk um let's answer some

Speaker 1 let's answer some let's answer some yay

Speaker 1 yay

Speaker 1 i wanna go

Speaker 1 i wanna go on a ride i wanna go I wanna go to a place. I wanna go to a place I feel free.

Speaker 1 I wanna go to a place that has Escargo.

Speaker 1 I wanna go to a place that has men who look at me with their cigarettes and want to fuck me upside down in the Eiffel Tower.

Speaker 1 I wanna go to a little place I like to go.

Speaker 1 Oh, questions,

Speaker 1 questions, questions

Speaker 1 of

Speaker 1 the motherfucking, the motherfucking, the motherfucking chalk, Dion, Dorota, Deon, Chalk. I wanna go, I wanna go to Paris, I wanna go to the end of the world for you.

Speaker 1 I'm gonna text you because I love you and I wanna fuck you. I don't know where this is going.
How do I transition to a French accent? I want to go to a little plate and let the fucking car

Speaker 1 questions of the mother, the mother, the motherfucking week. Questions of the mother.

Speaker 1 Questions of the motherfucking week. I'm so sorry.
Let me answer some of your questions. Here we go.

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Speaker 1 Question one.

Speaker 1 Hi, Alex. I cheated on my ex during a year abroad.
I know it was wrong, but we weren't right for each other, and I was young and immature.

Speaker 1 Now I've been with my current boyfriend for almost four years. He knows everything about me except this.
I'm not sure if I should tell him.

Speaker 1 Part of me feels like I want to be fully honest, but I'm worried about how this might affect us. What do you think I should do? Whoa.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You should absolutely not tell him. Like, not because I'm encouraging secrecy within a relationship.
I just feel like

Speaker 1 here's why you would tell him is if you just started dating this man, you guys are getting serious and you're getting to the point in your relationship as most relationships should, which I encourage everyone to do, is you start talking about your past because when you are about to take the next step in a relationship and get more serious, you want to understand who someone has been with and what were things that hurt them and things that worked for them and things that they never want to repeat or whatever.

Speaker 1 And if your boyfriend at the time was like, have you ever cheated? That would have been the right time to be like, yes, and I regret it so much and blah, blah, blah, blah, and tell the story.

Speaker 1 But babe, you're four years into dating this man. From what you've written, he hasn't brought this up.
He hasn't asked you.

Speaker 1 So my fear for you is you are having this level of guilt for whatever reason. This is coming back up for you.

Speaker 1 And you're almost feeling like you need to tell him for whatever that guilt is bringing up. My problem with that is like, put yourself in his shoes.

Speaker 1 Imagine one day he's fucking making you avocado toast and you're just like, hey, I just wanted to let you know because like I never told you this and I want to be honest with you. Like

Speaker 1 I cheated on my last boyfriend.

Speaker 1 He'd be like trying to like finish spreading the avocado and he's like,

Speaker 1 okay.

Speaker 1 And it's like, well, I just want to be honest with you because I know like I never told you that I had cheated before.

Speaker 1 Where is this man's head going to go? Four years into a relationship, you know where my head would go is, okay, so do you want to finish the sentence? Are you saying you cheated on me?

Speaker 1 Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Like, I think sometimes the guilt that we have, and listen, sometimes guilt can come in such weird ways and we can have random things that trigger memories of like, I have it sometimes, of like past relationships where I'm like, why did I do that again?

Speaker 1 That has nothing to do with Matt. That has everything to do with something that I did individually before I met him.
And that's for me to take to my therapist if I'm having a weird day.

Speaker 1 Now, if it's actively impacting my relationship with Matt because of something, sure, you can tell him, but I don't know how cheating would would actively impact the way you're treating this guy unless you're getting anxious that he's cheating because you cheated.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't know. So my

Speaker 1 advice is we sometimes feel like we're doing the right thing by telling partners things from the past or things that happen, but really sometimes I think we need to look inward and be like, are you actually just dumping your baggage onto them?

Speaker 1 Because you're almost looking for them to absolve the guilt that you have. And by saying it to someone, we'll make you feel less guilty and less shame.
That's normal as a human being.

Speaker 1 It's just not your boyfriend that you should be doing that to, babe. It's you getting into therapy is my personal opinion.

Speaker 1 Big picture is to everyone listening, before you approach a partner with anything,

Speaker 1 try to put yourself in their shoes, especially when you're the one coming forward with negative information. How, if you were them, would you want to react or how would you react?

Speaker 1 And that's what I was kind of saying, like, put yourself in this man's shoes. This guy is going to be like,

Speaker 1 what the fuck is the point of you telling me this? And I do think there is also, which I don't fully understand, there is a level, and I've done this with every relationship.

Speaker 1 I wanted to know every detail of Matt's past because I've done that with every man I've ever dated. I'm like, tell me everything.

Speaker 1 So I would have known had Matt cheated, had Matt done this. I know everything about Matt because I've grilled him to the core before I actually got into a serious relationship with this man.

Speaker 1 And he he kind of like wanted to know about my past, but not as much as I wanted to know about his.

Speaker 1 The time to have told him this was in the beginning stage when it was appropriate to give him that information. It is no longer appropriate to give him that information.
So

Speaker 1 case closed. Okay, next question.

Speaker 1 Hey, Alex, I'm in a weird situation. My best friend offered to watch my dog while I was out of town.

Speaker 1 She lives out of state, so I bought her a flight for her to come stay at my beach house for the week.

Speaker 1 Two days into her stay, she texted me that her brand new boyfriend was able to get off work and fly down to stay with her at my place. I had never met this man, and she never asked if this was okay.

Speaker 1 I later found out via my ring camera that they left my front door unlocked the whole weekend, probably because there was only one key for the two of them.

Speaker 1 I live in a popular beach town, so this is not okay. I'm so mad, but I don't know how to approach this with her, especially since she was technically doing me a favor staying there.
Wow, okay, that is

Speaker 1 there's a lot unpack here.

Speaker 1 One that is

Speaker 1 so valid for you to be upset. I think

Speaker 1 there must be a lot of confusion on your part, which I want to just kind of like vindicate you from. Is technically you were asking her to do you a favor.

Speaker 1 So whenever you're asking someone to do a favor for you, yes, you're going to be a little bit more lenient. You're like, oh, I can understand, but pause.

Speaker 1 It's actually not a favor anymore because you bought this girl a flight. She's staying in this gorgeous beach town.
And then she invites this new guy that she's seeing.

Speaker 1 So, you basically paid for her to have a nice free vacation on your dime, and she couldn't basically do the one thing that you were asking her to do, which is like make sure her dog, your dog, was safe.

Speaker 1 Although, your dog ended up being safe, you're watching physically, your front door is not being locked. All these things are happening.

Speaker 1 You're finding out that she brought a guy without fully asking you on your ring camera. Like, I can only imagine the level of

Speaker 1 like kind of like that, like

Speaker 1 gross feeling of like betrayal and being like kind of violated.

Speaker 1 Like, you're, I can only imagine as you're gone, you're watching your ring cameras and you're like creeping on your best friend, but you're like, but you're in my house and you're watching my dog.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't like, she put you in a position that you shouldn't have had to be in. That's point blank.
You should not have had to feel like the creepy person like watching her over ring camera.

Speaker 1 That's your property that she is staying in and she's taking advantage of. So, full stop.
I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 What I want to kind of back up a little bit here of two is like, you said this is your best friend. And so I hate to even like validate her at all, but I think any

Speaker 1 girl, and we hate to admit it, but we've all been there where we are

Speaker 1 not ourselves when we start to fall in love. Like you will

Speaker 1 sometimes you'll do dumb fucking shit, right?

Speaker 1 You miss your best friend's birthday because the guy is taking you on a dinner and then your friend calls you out a couple of weeks later and you're like, I am so fucking sorry.

Speaker 1 I didn't even like see it that way because you're just enamored and you're infatuated and it's the time and you're seeing this guy and you're excited and then you're like, oh my God.

Speaker 1 And then as you get older, you stop doing that and you stop fucking your friends over for boys.

Speaker 1 But there are little moments everyone has where you need a wake-up call where it's like, hey, glad you're happy with this guy. You just almost fucked my whole shit up.
Imagine if they lost my dog.

Speaker 1 Imagine if someone broke into my house and you're so lucky that didn't happen, but it could have the way that you were treating my situation. So my advice to you is

Speaker 1 I would text her and say, hey, can we find time to get on the phone? I want to talk about this past weekend or this past week or when you were staying at my house.

Speaker 1 And I think you get on and you have to probably be aware, like she doesn't know what you've seen on the Ring app. And so

Speaker 1 I think as much as you want to be like you fucking bitch like what the fuck were you doing the only way she's gonna hear you like anyone will hear someone is like you have to kind of go in calm and level head and i know that's gonna be hard but i think you approach it and you say hey i

Speaker 1 hate that we're having this conversation.

Speaker 1 First, I just want to say that because the reason I trusted you to go to my house and stay at my house and watch my dog is because I trust you more than anyone.

Speaker 1 And I felt really betrayed betrayed and I felt like a line was crossed and I was put in a really bad situation when I realized you brought this guy, that you didn't ask me if he could come stay.

Speaker 1 And then I'm watching my house not be taken cared for in the way that I just asked you to do.

Speaker 1 And I will be honest, I sat there stressed the whole weekend, making sure that my dog wasn't running out because the door is not locked and you're having this like gallivanting fun weekend.

Speaker 1 But that's not what I asked you to do. And I felt like I was getting getting taken advantage of, honestly.

Speaker 1 And I just wanted to give you the chance to kind of like walk me through what happened that weekend, because I'm going to be real, I feel really fucking shitty and like

Speaker 1 really grossed out about the whole thing. And I can't stop thinking about it.
And then you give her the floor. A good friend, what you hope will happen is she is like.

Speaker 1 I literally am, I want to throw up right now. I'm so fucking embarrassed and I'm so sorry.
I don't know what came over me. I think I thought I could do both.

Speaker 1 I was like, I'm just going to be sitting here. There's no harm.
Like, I like this guy. It will be a perfect time to just like have a fun thing and we can play house together, whatever it be.

Speaker 1 But if she gets on the phone with you and she is trying to be at all, not even defensive, but like defiant of like,

Speaker 1 first of all, that's fucking weird that you were watching me. I locked your house.
I don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 Whatever it be, even if she did lock your front door, the way that a friend would actually go about it after having done this to you would be like, I want you to know, because I can imagine on the Ring app, it was confusing.

Speaker 1 I want you to know every single day that door was locked, I was watching her like a hawk, and I apologize I brought someone in, but I promise you my number one priority was your dog.

Speaker 1 Like, you know what I mean? It's like everything in life, especially when it comes to friendships as you get older, it is all about being genuinely

Speaker 1 kind

Speaker 1 in the and

Speaker 1 caring and thoughtful in the way you're communicating back to someone. Everyone is coming from their own perspective.
Maybe this girl had not had a vacation and couldn't afford it in literally years.

Speaker 1 And she got so ahead of herself. And when she got to the beach town, and she's looking around, and she's so excited.
And she knows in her core, she's like, I've got this.

Speaker 1 Of course, I've got the dog in the house. This is easy work.
This will be so fun to invite him. I'm not saying she's right.
I'm just saying think about it from her perspective. So,

Speaker 1 but again, I'm really sorry. And I think

Speaker 1 this is where, like, blurring friends and asking favors and all that stuff, it's fucking hard, you guys, because as we all get older and even when you're younger, we all have our level of what we will show up as as a friend.

Speaker 1 And unfortunately, I think life, a lot of it is about finding out that a lot of friends won't meet you where you would go for them.

Speaker 1 And so it's disorienting, it's disheartening, it's heartbreaking sometimes, but you will probably never ask this person to do that again for you.

Speaker 1 But now you need to see how she treats you for the next few weeks after you have this conversation. But you need to have the conversation.

Speaker 1 Always have the conversation, daddy gang, even as awkward and difficult and uncomfortable as it is.

Speaker 1 If you don't have the conversation, you will sit and you will ruminate on it and you will resent the person. And there's no way forward in any relationship unless you have the conversation.

Speaker 1 So So I love you, and

Speaker 1 fuck. I'm sorry.
That one sucks. I would fucking kill someone if they did that with Henry and Bruce.
I'd be like,

Speaker 1 we're done.

Speaker 1 I'm like, yeah, take my advice. Be so mature.
Meanwhile, I'm like, done, bitch. I fucking hate you.
No, but I get it. I don't fuck around with my dogs.

Speaker 1 Okay, next question.

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Speaker 1 Father Cooper, help. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.
He's my best friend and hasn't done anything wrong, but something feels off.

Speaker 1 I've been craving time alone to be young, single, and figure myself out. I want to break up, but I don't know how to end it when he hasn't done anything bad.
What should I say to him?

Speaker 1 Okay, first of all, I want to give you full props for even being able to acknowledge this and own this, because I think it is so hard to end a relationship when something catastrophic doesn't happen.

Speaker 1 Like, I think a lot of times, especially I think as women, we feel this guilt of like, but he didn't cheat, but he hasn't done anything wrong.

Speaker 1 And so sometimes as women, the safe option and the comfortable option seems like,

Speaker 1 why wouldn't we stay with that? And then you kind of manipulate yourself into believing like,

Speaker 1 wow, am I being ungrateful? Like, I'm never going to find better. Like, maybe this is the best that I could ever find.

Speaker 1 And like, maybe I should just, you know, and we don't say settle in our heads, but we say every other word but settle.

Speaker 1 And it's like, maybe I should just stick with this and ride this through and it will all make sense at some point.

Speaker 1 And it's like, if something doesn't feel right to you in a relationship and you are in your early 20s,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 oh my God, oh my God.

Speaker 1 You guys, I am 30 and I literally feel like I've lived 15 decades since my relationship when I was 22, when I was 25, when I, like, I am a different person since those years and I've grown so much and I wouldn't have grown if I was with them.

Speaker 1 So like your inclination is right. If you know you are not happy, if you know this is not the right person for you right now, then you need to end the relationship.

Speaker 1 Now, how do you end the relationship?

Speaker 1 That is like always the hardest fucking part because realizing it within yourself, it takes five fucking seconds, but actually getting the courage to do it, it can take some time.

Speaker 1 So let's basically walk through how you're going to do it because you basically need to do the like, it's me, not you thing, but you need to do it in a way that is

Speaker 1 very straightforward and not complicated and not confusing to this person. And that is a dance and a literal skill in itself.
So, step one,

Speaker 1 you are going to text your boyfriend and you're going to be like, hey, I

Speaker 1 have something I want to talk to you about. And I'm hoping that we could have like a serious conversation.
Could you come over later tonight around like seven?

Speaker 1 He's immediately going to probably spiral and be like, what, what is going on? Like, are you you breaking up with me? Like, what is happening? And be like,

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 know this text is like probably really overwhelming, but like, let's just talk in person. Like, I don't want to go back and forth on text.

Speaker 1 Like, I really want to have an honest conversation, but do it in person.

Speaker 1 Once you get him and he comes in, immediately, most men, I feel like every time I've done this with my friends, they're always like, Are you breaking up with me? Are you breaking up with me?

Speaker 1 And you're going to be like,

Speaker 1 Yes, but I need, like, let me, please let me explain myself right now. And what you need to say to him off the bat is:

Speaker 1 I want you to know that I care so much about you, but I have had this feeling and it has been back and forth. And I didn't know what it was for a while.

Speaker 1 Cause what you don't want is they always will hold it over your head. Wow, how long have you been thinking about this? Wow, you've thought about this for a year.

Speaker 1 Like, you want to be very vague on your timeline and just be like, I've had this feeling, and I couldn't really locate what it was. And now it's become very clear to me that

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 am not in this. I'm not in this relationship in the way that I want to be and that you deserve to have someone to be in a relationship with you more.

Speaker 1 And the more that I've thought about it, I've realized I'm not ready for a serious relationship that is like, this is my last relationship leading to marriage. Like I need to learn more about myself.

Speaker 1 I need to be on my own. I need to be single.
I need to explore. Like I feel like this is not right for me anymore.
And you are so amazing and you've been so amazing. And I hate to say this, but like

Speaker 1 I just know it's not you.

Speaker 1 And I know I'm not

Speaker 1 in love with you. And I'm so fucking sorry.

Speaker 1 And I can only imagine how much that hurts, but you deserve someone that's going to be in love with you and want you and want to take the next step with you.

Speaker 1 And I don't know what that looks like for me yet, but I need to go on that journey. Here is where I will pause, Daddy Gang.

Speaker 1 What I want for everyone knowing when you're entering into breaking up with someone is

Speaker 1 you cannot leave the door open in the fucking slightest. And sometimes that means making very uncomfortable definitive statements.

Speaker 1 They're not mean statements, but they are very clear definitive statements, aka.

Speaker 1 I am not in love with you. What the fuck is someone going to say to that? And I know even saying it on this podcast, like getting it out, like being like, I'm not in love with you, it's uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 It's awkward. Sometimes your knee-jerk reaction is to be like, I love you and I care so much about you.
No.

Speaker 1 Imagine you're on the other end of it. How fucking confusing and what a mind fuck for someone that you've been in love with and you're in a relationship is like, I love you, I care about you.

Speaker 1 Fuck off, then why aren't we going to be together? So you have to, you owe it to the person sitting across from you.

Speaker 1 If this is an amicable break and they've done nothing bad and it's just you knowing in your heart, it's not them.

Speaker 1 You really owe it to them to not blur the lines and you owe it to them to be so upfront, as uncomfortable and hurtful as it is, they will be able to then go to bed at night with that in their head of like,

Speaker 1 but she did say she's not in love with me, right? Like, where do you go from there? If someone says, you're not my person.

Speaker 1 I don't, I'm not in love with you. I don't feel we're compatible.
Literally those three to the core, you can't come back from that. So I think that's where you have to push yourself.

Speaker 1 And then my last note when you do this is this person, especially when they didn't do anything bad, most of the times they're going to be in shock, right? They're going to be like

Speaker 1 crying, they're going to be angry, they're going to be something is going to happen.

Speaker 1 And my biggest advice once you hit them with those hard truths is you have to, for a little bit, reiterate the same exact statement, not in a condescending way, but just in a really like,

Speaker 1 no, this is, this is all I can give you. And I'm not willing, you can, do not get into the weeds.
When you are in a breakup, do not get into the fucking weeds of the details of why things didn't work.

Speaker 1 It doesn't fucking matter. You're out.
Give them enough so they feel like I got some answer, but you don't need to get into the weeds of your relationship. And then you need to leave.

Speaker 1 And leaving is the hardest part. I've had so many friends and I've done it myself where it's like, how was a breakup conversation three hours?

Speaker 1 That can almost be like a closure conversation that comes weeks later.

Speaker 1 If you're going to pick up stuff and you both are like, we know it's over, but hey, just for my soul, like, could I get some answers? Fine.

Speaker 1 But the initial conversation, you need to keep it fucking tight, Daddy Ging, because what happens is you will start to lose the plot.

Speaker 1 And as someone you actually do care about is crying in front of you, you are going to inevitably say things to try to comfort them that is going to warp your initial message.

Speaker 1 Not that you're trying to give them mixed messages. It's just you can't help yourself.
And then you're gonna fuck yourself and do not fucking have sex with them in that moment.

Speaker 1 Maybe in the closure conversation, you can have fucking breakup sex with them and be like, one more time and we're done, but you cannot, when you're telling them, I don't love you anymore, one and done.

Speaker 1 And I know some people are gonna be like, What do you mean, don't ever encourage breakup sex?

Speaker 1 Well, I've had so many fucking friends do it, and it actually worked because they had the initial conversation, then you go back a month later if you need to get stuff, or a couple weeks later,

Speaker 1 done.

Speaker 1 So I know this is hard hard for you, but you can't stay in something that is not making you happy.

Speaker 1 And you can't also lie to the person that you're going to sleep with every single night, telling them you love them. You can't lie to that person because guess what? It's their life too.

Speaker 1 It's their life and they also deserve to find someone that's madly in love with them.

Speaker 1 So yes, you are having doubts, act on it immediately and end it because I wouldn't want to be with someone that's having active doubts about me at all times and just feels bad for me.

Speaker 1 So they're going to stay. Can you imagine being on the other end of that? You guys, no one in the daddy gang should ever want to be with someone as like a pity.

Speaker 1 Oh, I feel so bad for her. She was going through a hard time.
No matter what it is, whether you had a bad time because you had family shit going on, trauma going, none of it.

Speaker 1 You should not stay with someone because you feel bad for them.

Speaker 1 Point blank and period. I will go toe to toe with anyone that wants to argue me of why you should stay with someone because you feel bad for them.
No, we aren't fucking doing it. Cause guess what?

Speaker 1 They deserve better. They want to be with someone that loves them, doesn't feel bad for them.
And they can find that too. Have a little bit more respect for them.

Speaker 1 So I love you, Daddy. I know it's really hard to end relationships, but what's also weird is everyone that's ever done it, then you like look back and you're like, yeah, that was fucking shitty.

Speaker 1 And that was so awkward. And now I'm happier than ever.
And that's what sucks. It's like once you get out of it, then you're like, oh, fuck.
I should have done that a little bit earlier.

Speaker 1 um okay daddy gang i love you so much i am so happy that sundays are back make sure you guys always write into me on the website or dm me your questions and i will try to get to all of them as fast as i can and uh you guys know the drill i will see you fuckers on wednesday goodbye

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