Mariska Hargitay: Love, Loss and Law & Order

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Speaker 1 What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Speaker 1 Marishka Hargate, welcome to Call Her Daddy. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I'm so excited to be here.

Speaker 1 No, you don't even know. Okay, you just walked in here saying everyone's so excited for you to come on.

Speaker 2 Everyone is texting me saying you should be on. And I said, sweetheart, that's why I'm here.

Speaker 1 Okay, everyone in my life, I feel like a lot of my friends and family have gotten used to my job by now. When they found out you were coming on, everyone's being a little nicer to me this week.

Speaker 1 Everyone's like, do you think you could get a selfie? I'm like, leave me alone. You have literally put me into a different strategy.

Speaker 2 Alex, am I giving you street cred?

Speaker 1 Without a doubt.

Speaker 1 I've never been cooler in my life. Everyone's like, holy shit, you got her.
I'm like, I got her.

Speaker 2 Guess what? What? I think this goes both ways. Okay, good.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Because now I'm cool with the kids. Okay, cool.
I'm cool with the kids.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're both giving each other a little street cred. I like it.
What are you up to this summer? Like, are you, do you have plans? Are you working? What's your life?

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, I'm here. Today's a very exciting day because my trailer dropped for my film.
Congratulations.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 2 So today I'm sort of buzzy and so exciting. And it feels newly real to me, right? When the trailer drops and the poster's out.
So I'm here doing that.

Speaker 2 I'm getting ready for my Tribeca premiere on the 13th.

Speaker 1 You're going to be at Tribeca too? Yes. I'm going to be a Tribeca.

Speaker 2 I told you. We need our own shows.
We're just warming up.

Speaker 1 Sweetie.

Speaker 2 Lovey. Honey.
Sweet Cheeks. Oh, my God.
Babe. Honey pie.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. Pumpkin.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Congratulations.

Speaker 1 Thank you. I know.
Isn't it weird?

Speaker 2 You have a documentary about you, and you're 12. No.

Speaker 2 And I'm so proud of you. You know who you are? You're the young Olivia Benson.
You are so badass.

Speaker 2 I am obsessed with you. No, but seriously.

Speaker 1 No, it's so, but isn't it scary? It's a little scary.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's a lot scary. Right?

Speaker 2 But can I tell you something? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there,

Speaker 2 that's the most badass thing you can do.

Speaker 2 It is. And it's the truth.

Speaker 1 But I'm curious for you with this documentary.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Obviously, you get into your childhood, which I love to talk about and call her daddy.

Speaker 1 Is it weird for you to have been playing Olivia Benson for so many years and now you're about to be on screen as yourself?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 No, because I feel like...

Speaker 2 And this is something I've thought about a lot. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I feel that I have been preparing for this

Speaker 2 moment or this project my entire life. It took me two years to make this movie.
I started two years ago in June. I did the first interview.

Speaker 2 I think it was the end of May or June. I can't remember exactly the date right now, but I decided to do it in the pandemic during COVID.
And once I decided,

Speaker 2 you know, it was off to the races. And so for me, I mean, it's such a loaded question, right? Because yes, I play Olivia Benson on TV and I ask people to come forward to tell their stories.

Speaker 2 So I wanted to do what I preach and to come forward and tell my story. And I believe that telling our story and being vulnerable is the thing that makes us the most

Speaker 2 authentic, the most badass, the most human. And it only brings people toward us because it levels the playing field of our humanity.

Speaker 1 That makes me feel really good because I feel like with a documentary, it is so vulnerable.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you are prepared, obviously. But a documentary is a piece of work, so you're ready for the critics, but you're also like, this is my life, go easy on me.
And so it's a little bit more.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I feel like this is, this is my life. This is my story.

Speaker 2 Everyone is obviously welcome to have their reaction and their opinion and to sort of metabolize it and assimilate it in their own way. But I find that there's such

Speaker 2 universality in this specific, right?

Speaker 1 So you're telling your story and is it about how you got here and the sort of genesis of yes, it's just I had a big part of my the end of my first episode, I talk about the sexual harassment I endured from my college soccer coach.

Speaker 1 And I had never really talked about it and I felt guilty because a part of me was like, I am similar in that way where I'm like, I'm having people sit in in this chair and tell me their stories.

Speaker 1 Why have I been holding on to this for so long? And so I kind of go through the process of

Speaker 1 telling it in a way that it was nice to have a director do it for me. I know you directed your piece, but for me, I almost needed someone to take it from me a little bit

Speaker 1 because I was like, I'm going to, I, I don't even know how to say this. Just interview me and I'll tell you what happened to me.
Yes. So it was very freeing.
But you.

Speaker 2 That is so beautiful and so brave. And you know what? Don't ever question why, seriously, why you didn't tell your story because you tell your story when you're ready and not a moment before.

Speaker 2 And I tell that to everyone. And I, I mean, you know, I disclosed my story of abuse and

Speaker 2 I told it when I was ready. So I don't, you know, I don't fault anyone.
They need to come forward when they are ready and they have the infrastructure and they have the scaffolding.

Speaker 2 and the support after

Speaker 2 to be able to integrate into the world. And so I just think it's amazing that you're doing that and so young.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 2 No, and I think I could be your mom like three times over.

Speaker 2 Stop. I would be 87 on Friday.

Speaker 1 Get out of here. You're perfect and you're Chanel.
Shut up.

Speaker 1 Can we talk about this documentary, though?

Speaker 1 It really focuses, obviously, on your mom, who you lost when you were three.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 What was it like revisiting this time in your life?

Speaker 2 It was so many things. And I allowed it to be so many things.
And, you know, it was like a archaeological dig for me. It was like the ultimate detective work.
Right.

Speaker 2 And I didn't know what I was going to find, but my, it was such a beautiful journey, a painful journey, a bumpy ride. It was E, all of the above.
It was so many things.

Speaker 1 Okay, my, I'm wondering, though, you're three years old when you lose your mom. Did you have any memories at all of her?

Speaker 2 I have a couple of memories that

Speaker 2 i don't know if they're memories or they're photographs or they're something that i wish happened or

Speaker 2 a fragment of a memory

Speaker 2 and i i don't know but it's been a life of trying to

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 of longing for her and trying to,

Speaker 2 you know, reconstruct connection which was

Speaker 2 so painful for me

Speaker 2 you know I say in the movie losing my mother felt like having a

Speaker 2 hole in your heart that's what it felt like to me and

Speaker 2 and so it's been a life of

Speaker 2 navigating that and trying to figure out how to do it. So this movie, being ready to make this movie and go on this, you know, expedition and go on this journey of finding her has been

Speaker 2 one of, you know, besides my husband and children and SVU, has been one of the most rewarding,

Speaker 2 profound experiences of my life.

Speaker 2 And because

Speaker 2 there was so much archival footage on my mom,

Speaker 2 it was the gift that just kept on giving. It was just, it kept on giving.
It was magnificent.

Speaker 1 When you just said that, though, it made me think, I feel like a lot of people, we have these memories from childhood that

Speaker 1 either come back up or are so specific. And then you do start to, as you get older, be like, did that fucking happen?

Speaker 2 Like, what? Exactly.

Speaker 1 And do you have any advice for people going through that? Like, have you just leaned in and accepted that maybe they're not real, maybe they are, but they're what I remember.

Speaker 1 So I'm going to live in them. Or are you, is it unsettling to not know if it's real?

Speaker 2 it's not unsettling and I think that was part of the journey of making the film is that

Speaker 2 I missed my mother

Speaker 2 what's true about memories

Speaker 2 doesn't really matter what matters is I missed her and I love her and we are forever connected and I'm finding new sort of avenues of connection

Speaker 2 as I live forward. And I remember, you know, one of the things was when your mom dies, when you're so young,

Speaker 2 you know, and pre-verbal, really, it's hard to remember anything. And you certainly can't express what you felt, right? Because it was pre-verbal.

Speaker 2 And that goes with, that goes for my trauma as well about living through the accident of her dying. And I remember when I got a, um, my star in 2011 on, on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Speaker 2 And I remember thinking like, oh, you know, it's nice. It's a thing that people do.
Oh, yeah, it's nice.

Speaker 2 I didn't really know how to take it in, I guess. And I thought, like, oh, yeah, I mean, it kind of dismissed it.
I'll be honest with you. And then I got there that day.

Speaker 2 And when I saw my star

Speaker 2 on the ground next to her star,

Speaker 2 I was so overcome with emotion.

Speaker 2 And somehow into that moment

Speaker 2 of seeing her, this visual of these two stars with her name on it and my name on it, was one of the most

Speaker 2 emotionally connected moments that I've ever had with her. And I tell you this, it took me by surprise to be connected with her and the stars because it was on such a

Speaker 2 primal level and it was in my cells. It was in my cellular DNA.
And I was so again, I was so surprised by it, but I just took it as a gift.

Speaker 2 So there's been these moments and during the making of this film and on this journey, I've had so many moments where I got to see

Speaker 2 our similarity or

Speaker 2 what I came from and what I

Speaker 2 admire and revere and respect or the things about her that I'm in awe of and the things about her that are so similar to how i am so in that way it has been this gift it's beautiful it's so it's so magnificent and it's beautiful too because anyone that's lost a parent or a loved one or whoever like there's such pain when you think about it but the more you're universal pain yes right and the more you're able to slowly allow yourself to be open to those moments where you're looking at the star and then you feel connected to your mom or you're going through this archetypal footage that's exactly what you said is the truth is allowing ourselves to be open that is so exactly right.

Speaker 2 And this kind of like broke me open, right? Because it was a struggle for me. And there were things and decisions that

Speaker 2 and choices that my mother made that were so painful for me or I didn't understand. I was like, why would you do that?

Speaker 1 Or I think you could have done it a different way.

Speaker 2 And maybe me not understanding and groking.

Speaker 2 the time, the 50s, all that stuff.

Speaker 1 And now the making of this film has reframed all of that for me, even like as simple as someone not being able to, you know, whether you're not doing a documentary, one, if you have photos or you have film or even journaling about your memories and your experiences, anything that can allow you to feel a little bit closer to your memory of and have that intact, because you don't want it to feel like this scary void that you can't remember this person, so then you just feel shut down.

Speaker 1 The more you're open to it, I feel like you almost come back to feeling whole and full Completely.

Speaker 1 Your dad, your mom,

Speaker 1 after she passes, you're raised by your dad, Mickey.

Speaker 2 And my stepmother. Yes.

Speaker 1 Can you talk to me about your relationship with him growing up? Like, what was it like?

Speaker 2 Amazing.

Speaker 2 He was

Speaker 2 everything to me. He was

Speaker 2 my

Speaker 2 mentor, my inspiration. I revered him.
I modeled myself after him.

Speaker 2 I, um, he made me feel safe and seen.

Speaker 2 And he was such a great parent because

Speaker 2 he was reasonable. And what I mean by that is, you know, I'd like do something wrong.
And then back in my day, we used to talk on the phone.

Speaker 2 Not the cell phone, but we used to like, that's what you would do. You talk to your boyfriend or you talk to your friends every night on the phone, rotary phone.
And so I'd do something wrong.

Speaker 2 And then he's like, no phone one month.

Speaker 2 And I would go, okay, dad, okay, you're out of control. That feels unadjusted for what I did.
And I think you need to think about that because it's not fair. And he would go, okay, fine.

Speaker 2 Do you know what you did wrong? Yeah. Okay, you could use the phone.
And it was stuff like that. And he also raised me when I did something wrong to go,

Speaker 1 you know what you did.

Speaker 2 You know what you did. And then not punish me.
And then I had to sit with it. So he really nurtured nurtured my own sense of

Speaker 2 my conscience, my sense of responsibility, my sense of wrong and right.

Speaker 2 And he was just so true blue. You know, he showed up to every one of my athletic events.
You know, I was a swimmer in high school and did cross-country.

Speaker 2 And when I was, you know, middle school, volleyball and cheerleading and, you know, all the activities, whatever I did. And he was so supportive.
And it was like I was his life.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, working his ass off and providing for a family and teaching me gymnastics. And the fact that he was, his mentality was that of

Speaker 2 a champion athlete. He,

Speaker 2 you know, was a speed skater. He played soccer.
He came to America and wanted to be a weightlifter and a bodybuilder. And they said, how old are you? He said, I'm 26.

Speaker 2 They said, you're too old to do that. And he said, you're too old.
And then he went on to become Mr. Universe.
And so everything that he set out to do, he did. So he taught me,

Speaker 2 if there's a will, there's a way.

Speaker 2 And if there's one avenue gets shut down or foiled, then what is plan B?

Speaker 2 So I modeled myself and I wanted to be like him. And I just

Speaker 2 felt like I knew what love was

Speaker 2 because of his commitment to me. That's why I found, like, that's why I could recognize it in my husband.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Well, I was going to say, cause even someone listening to this, it's like, wow, what an incredible father you had.

Speaker 1 And then obviously there's this big reveal in the documentary of like, you find out that he's not your biological father.

Speaker 1 How did you find this out?

Speaker 2 Oh, my gosh, it was so rough. So I had been invited

Speaker 2 to this guy named Saban Gray's house, and he was

Speaker 2 head of the Jane Mansfield Fan Club.

Speaker 2 And he was this lovely guy and, you know, just obsessed with Jane and loved her so much and was a huge collector of, you know, memorabilia and movie posters and anything related to her.

Speaker 2 So he invited me to his house once, and I

Speaker 2 went over there.

Speaker 2 And then he walked me around. And, you know, it was a little overwhelming for me because there were life-size cutouts and it was truly like a museum or a shrine to her.

Speaker 2 And I, that was hard for me at that age to sort of

Speaker 2 understand.

Speaker 1 I was like, and can just for anyone that doesn't know about your mom and like what, like, can you explain what

Speaker 2 her background was when you're talking about this? Oh, so my mom was just in case. Oh, yes, no, please.
So, my mom was an actress and

Speaker 2 sort of an iconic sex symbol in the 50s, like Marilyn Monroe. So, she

Speaker 2 was one of the most photographed women ever

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 a big, you know, movie star and, you know, legendary, really. And so I went to his house.

Speaker 2 And again, I'm seeing all this stuff, stuff that I had never seen and kind of grew up away from all of that and didn't have a very sort of Hollywood childhood. My dad was a builder.

Speaker 2 My stepmother was a flight attendant. So we traveled a lot and just had a really normal, I would say,

Speaker 2 life.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 so I went to his house and then he's showing me around. He's showing me all these photos.

Speaker 2 He's showing me, you know, whatever it is, dresses that she had that he'd collected, you know, earrings that she wore, things from movies, from the movie set, you know, props or whatever.

Speaker 2 And then he says to me,

Speaker 2 Do you want to see a picture of Nelson?

Speaker 2 And I just looked at him

Speaker 2 and this jolt went through my body.

Speaker 2 And I said, who's Nelson?

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 I knew in one second, you did?

Speaker 2 How?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I think my whole life, all the just like millions of like

Speaker 2 millimoments, I don't even know if that's a word, little fragments of a memory, of a moment, of a thing, things I caught that my sort of subconscious that went into my subconscious moments.

Speaker 2 And then I said, who's Nelson? And then he,

Speaker 2 you know, I saw the drain blood out drain out of his face and he sort of panicked and turned white. And then he said,

Speaker 2 you know, he panicked and he said,

Speaker 2 oh, it's probably not true. It's probably not true.
And that's when I knew.

Speaker 2 And I think that he couldn't believe

Speaker 2 that i didn't know

Speaker 2 i was 25 how could i not know

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 i understand that

Speaker 2 and then

Speaker 2 he said it's not true i'm sure it's not true and then he showed me his picture And you're like, it's true. On a cellular level, it was just like a DNA talking to DNA.
And I knew it was true.

Speaker 2 And I just really thought my life was over. I mean, I remember leaving and

Speaker 2 driving to my brother's house and I thought I was going to crash my car because I was so not present. I was totally like dissociated and out of my body.
And I got to my brother's house.

Speaker 2 I didn't even know how I got there, but I knew that I shouldn't be driving.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was a nut. It was crazy.

Speaker 1 25 years

Speaker 1 thinking

Speaker 1 you know your story and your narrative and

Speaker 1 your mom, also, you're trying to process like not having your mom, and you're at this man's house, and you're seeing, like, oh my God, everyone was obsessed with my mom and loved my mom, and I don't get to have her.

Speaker 1 And then it's like, you're hit in the face again.

Speaker 2 It's like, oh, by the way, the one thing I did have, the one thing that I was rooted in, the one thing that was my constant

Speaker 2 was no longer mine. And my identity was,

Speaker 2 it was just smashed. It was like it broke into.

Speaker 2 It's like I had

Speaker 2 a thousand

Speaker 2 pellets of hard truth going. My brothers aren't my brothers.
My Hungarians, I'm not related to, I'm not Hungarian. I'm not related to all my family that I grew up with in Hungary.
What about this?

Speaker 2 What about this? I'm not related to my sister, who's my dad's

Speaker 2 my dad's first daughter. I'm not related to, oh my gosh, all the times when, you know, I spent so much time as a kid in Italy.

Speaker 2 And every time I was there, and you can see I'm a big gesticulator and I talk with my hands. I can't, I get in trouble on SVU because they're like, Mirska, sit on your hands.
And I can't.

Speaker 2 I just can't. It's just like a cellular genetic thing.
But my whole childhood, everyone asked me if I was Italian, my entire childhood.

Speaker 2 And it was like that, being barrazed by,

Speaker 2 it was just like a million missiles of these mini micro moments going,

Speaker 2 God.

Speaker 1 And you're not allowed to, I'm not allowed. You can't talk to your mom.
So when you obviously at some point go to Mickey, do you immediately go to him? I did.

Speaker 2 I drove from, I went to my brother's house first and asked him if he knew. And he said he didn't.
And I'm very, very, very, very close with my brother. And he, he didn't.

Speaker 2 So then that was also confusing.

Speaker 2 And then I went up to my dad's house and I was, you know, hysterically crying and in a state. And he was, and here's, here's, here about this metaphor.

Speaker 2 My dad was building me, physically building me a house.

Speaker 2 So I drive up to the house that he is building me

Speaker 2 and confront him. And he was like, what?

Speaker 2 What are you talking about? Are you crazy? That's so not true. He kept saying, you look like my father.
You look exactly like my father. You're a hargate to the end.

Speaker 2 And, you know, the irony is that I'm more like my dad than anyone in our whole family. Like I am Mickey, Minnie Mickey, right?

Speaker 2 And so it was just a very extraordinarily painful moment. And I always like and I say, I say that this is the moment that I became an adult.
And it's so visceral for me because

Speaker 2 I was in so much pain. I was so overwhelmed.
And I was in the, you know, me, me, me, me, I, oh my gosh, my life is over.

Speaker 2 And then looking at this man

Speaker 2 who's been nothing

Speaker 2 but loving to me and nothing but this amazing father to me. And I saw his pain.

Speaker 2 And I said,

Speaker 2 it doesn't matter what I feel. I love him.
And I'm not,

Speaker 2 we're done here. We're done here.
And so I said, okay, thank you for telling me. And

Speaker 2 I pretended that I believed him.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 we never spoke of it again.

Speaker 2 And then he used to say, even before he died, remember when you thought that crazy thing? And I go, I know, wasn't that nuts? Stop. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, and you just went with it because you're like.

Speaker 2 I went with it. And then I felt like I became the parent in a way.

Speaker 2 And I was grateful to be that.

Speaker 1 But there was no way that he genuinely thought. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'll never know. Right.
I think that he

Speaker 2 integrated it in,

Speaker 2 this is my new reality.

Speaker 2 He made a choice. And that was his new truth.
And whether it's true or not, emotionally, it was his truth. And I'll tell you something.

Speaker 2 I understand it because I have two adopted kids and they are no different,

Speaker 2 no different than my biological son. No different.

Speaker 2 And so to me, I go, I get it. It didn't matter.
It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Cause when he, even when that moment he's speaking to you, which is so beautiful, it's like, I've talked a lot about on the show that obviously there are so many people who don't have the privilege of family.

Speaker 1 And, but you can then make your own family. Blood family is one thing.
Family is family, the family that you choose. And so it's like, I think there's a lot of people that maybe would look at that.

Speaker 1 And it's actually so beautiful that he's like, no, you are mine. Like, you've been my daughter.
I love you so much.

Speaker 2 Talk about being claimed. Right.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 He's like, but the irony is, Alex,

Speaker 2 I know that now, right? In hindsight. Yeah.
But when I found out at 25.

Speaker 2 That was where the injury was is why wasn't I claimed? He must have known. He didn't care.
He didn't care. He didn't love me.
I wasn't worth it. I was nothing to him.

Speaker 2 He knew, he had to know that I was his daughter, Nelson, I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 And I wasn't worth it. I wasn't valuable enough.

Speaker 2 And that's what I lived with, is that I wasn't enough. My mother left me.
And when you're a kid, you know, listen, mother is everything. We know.

Speaker 2 Mother is everything until, you know, at least you're three, right? It's your survival.

Speaker 2 and so having that feeling of

Speaker 2 my mother left me and then again

Speaker 2 my father abandoned me

Speaker 2 was so hard to

Speaker 2 integrate or make sense out of and the irony this is the irony is that i lived with these

Speaker 2 I mean, they were my truths and they were real to me at the time, but I go back now and I go, I was claimed like nobody's business.

Speaker 2 And that's why I think I love so hard and can love so hard because I was so loved.

Speaker 1 Time also just gives you such different perspective. And

Speaker 1 you can never fault yourself when you're younger for the reactions you have because you just, that's who you are in that moment. And that's all you're capable of

Speaker 2 trying to figure it out.

Speaker 2 So all of that. And with limited information.
Exactly. And that's why it's hard because young people, and when I say young people, I'm talking about myself.

Speaker 2 I couldn't, I didn't have the whole picture. So you think, you know, when people say to you, feelings aren't facts.

Speaker 2 And I remember when people would say that to me and I would go, but yes, they are because that's what happened. And I would argue it.
And I did not understand.

Speaker 2 I could not comprehend what that meant, that feelings aren't facts. I was like, this is my facts.
These are my reality. And now, you know, this is what wisdom is.
This is what age is.

Speaker 2 This is what perspective is. And I'm just, I'm so grateful for this life to grow into

Speaker 2 the miracle of my story and

Speaker 2 having this comprehensive understanding and getting the full perspective. And now seeing that I had such a limited, like teeny, teeny, teeny sliver of the truth.

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Speaker 1 Here's the thing, Daddy Gang. You know, I love the outdoors.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 And I love it until I don't have service. Okay.
I'm like, ooh, this hike is so gorgeous, Matt. My dogs are so hot.
Wait a second. Daddy Gang, I'm here to tell you, we are going to be fine.

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Speaker 1 Check it out at t-mobile.com slash magentastatus. Can we talk about your career? Did you always want to be an actress?

Speaker 2 So, no.

Speaker 2 When I was young, as I said,

Speaker 2 we traveled a lot. I spent a lot of time in Italy, a lot of time in Hungary,

Speaker 2 you know, a lot of time in Colorado and Dallas, Texas to visit my grandmother. I spent a lot of time, my parents, you know, would take us around the world.

Speaker 2 And we, I was very privileged in terms of traveling. And I loved it.
And I still love it. And so I loved connecting with different cultures and languages and took French in high school.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I think I want to be either a translator or like a French diplomat, but something where I could bring people together.

Speaker 2 And my favorite teacher, who was a nun

Speaker 2 named Sister Margaret, pulled me aside and said, Marishka, because I used to get in trouble for talking all the time. I'm sure you

Speaker 2 know that one.

Speaker 2 And she said, I think that you should try out for a play.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what? She said, you're an extrovert. And I wonder if you

Speaker 2 would like to try acting.

Speaker 2 And I went.

Speaker 2 And I never had thought about it. As a matter of fact, I was like, no, I don't want to do that.
It's not.

Speaker 2 And then I tried out out for the play

Speaker 2 and it was a comedy.

Speaker 2 And I had

Speaker 2 the best time. And it was a crazy French farce.
So I got to be nuts, which was very comfortable for me.

Speaker 2 And I always thought that my career would be in comedy, by the way. I mean, I started in comedy.
You're funny. I know.
No one knows that except you.

Speaker 1 You walked in here and like, understandably, I didn't know what to expect because it's like, dun, dun, and I'm ready.

Speaker 2 And then you walk in Olivia Benz. You're like, girl, girl, I'm like, oh shit, I love you.
It's different. It's so funny.
I know I got cast. You know what's funny? I always get cast as cops.

Speaker 2 I'm like, what is the deal? I'm a comedian. But anyway,

Speaker 2 not a comedian, not a real comedian. Don't take that back.
I have serious respect for real comedians, believe me. Living another life.
You're a comedian. Living in another life.

Speaker 2 But anyway, the point is,

Speaker 2 so then I had so much fun. And then my senior year, I tried out for the lead in

Speaker 2 the play, which was a drama. And I

Speaker 2 got it and fell in love. And I was like, this is the end of it.
And then I applied to USC and UCLA, and I decided to be a theater major. And that was the end of it.

Speaker 1 How long into you going for auditions did you get SBU?

Speaker 2 My 20s was really hard. And then I did a couple of guest star things, but then it dried up for me.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I just went to acting class. And then it was when I I turned 30

Speaker 2 that I started working in a consistent way.

Speaker 1 I mean, even that

Speaker 1 is such just like a nice thing to hear because I feel like obviously people are going to watch this and be like, oh, you have the best fucking life. Like, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 You're so successful. Let me tell you something.
My 20s were not cute.

Speaker 2 Not only were they not cute work-wise, but I found out this when I was 20, which by the way, I think that also really

Speaker 2 took me apart. So I didn't work, you know, I worked in my early 20s and then I don't remember working so much 25 to 30.
Like it was a dark time for me.

Speaker 2 And I really wasn't confident. I had an identity crisis, which I'm, you know,

Speaker 2 I like telling people that I'm not, it's true. It's what happened.
We all have our demons. We all have our skeletons.
Life is hard. It's hard navigating it.
It's hard figuring it out.

Speaker 2 There's so much to figure out.

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 then at 30

Speaker 2 is when I started working in a more consistent way. And then it was at 34.
I'll tell you a fun story. This is a great story.
You'll appreciate it. Okay.

Speaker 2 So I used to go to New York twice a year and just see theater.

Speaker 2 So I went on one of my trips. It was, I was 30, I think it was in like January.
I was 34. And I'd come to New York.
And a friend of mine said, oh my gosh, Mirchka, you have to go to the psychic.

Speaker 2 You have to go to the psychic on Long Island. I didn't even know where Long Island was.
I mean, I was, you know, I don't know. Of course, you're going to Long Island.
I'm like, I'll go to Long Island.

Speaker 2 So I drive out to this guy's house on Long Island and

Speaker 2 he gives me a psychic reading. And I'm, because my mom was famous, I always was like,

Speaker 2 you are just probably going to Google me and, you know, from Jay Mansfield's daughter and then come up with some bullshit.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 2 So I sit down with this guy and we're talking, we're talking, we're talking. He says some things.

Speaker 2 And then he says to me, and I was listening to him and I'm like this.

Speaker 2 And he goes, I swear to God, he says, you see that face? I have this on recording. You see that face right now? I said, yeah.

Speaker 2 He goes, you're going to be famous for that face, that face, that serious face. And I said,

Speaker 2 no, I am

Speaker 2 funny and a pretty deadly combination. I'm going to be a comedian, I say.
And he says, this is my favorite thing I think anyone's ever said to me. He goes like this.

Speaker 2 I don't give a rat's ass

Speaker 2 what you think.

Speaker 2 You're going to be famous for that face.

Speaker 2 And then he says to me, and you're moving to New York? And I said,

Speaker 2 no,

Speaker 2 I have this gorgeous house my father built. I was living in a house with like 32 roommates because I had this house and it had five rooms, obviously couldn't afford it.
So I rented out rooms.

Speaker 2 So I'm like actually living out an episode of friends, not an episode, but the whole season because I had so many roommates. And I was like, I live in LA.
I, this is my town. I have my roommates.

Speaker 2 I have my house. What am I going to do with my house? Swear to God, six months later,

Speaker 2 I got SVU. I swear this is true on my children.
This happened.

Speaker 2 He said, I don't give a rat's ass.

Speaker 2 First of all, how great is rats' ass? It's in every

Speaker 1 psychic in Long Island. I'm like, holy shit.

Speaker 2 He also said that there was going to be an issue with a cocktail ring.

Speaker 2 And then there was.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to get into that story. Okay, wait.
But I just want you to know that this happened. This is good stuff.
I need to write a book and put it in. You heard it here, people.

Speaker 1 Okay, wait. You get the script finally for SBU.
What is your first impression of your character?

Speaker 2 So I read it

Speaker 2 and I said, and I never had this experience.

Speaker 2 I've never loved anything more. This is my show.
This is the most progressive show I've ever seen. I love it.
I need it. I have to do the show.

Speaker 2 And then I had the audition.

Speaker 2 And then I got a callback. And on the second callback, Dick Wolf was there.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I see

Speaker 2 another girl in the waiting room.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, oh no, this is not happening. So I walked in there and I said, listen to me.
I didn't know that Dick Wolf was like the king of television.

Speaker 2 And I go, I don't know who that is out there, but let me tell you something. This is my part.
And he's like, oh, is it? And I said, yeah. So you tell her to go home.

Speaker 2 So I do, I do my audition and then he gives me notes. He gave me notes.
And then I go, those are good notes. Thank you.
And he's like, oh, are they?

Speaker 2 Are they good notes?

Speaker 2 It was so funny. I had like lost myself.
I didn't even know what overtook me, but I was so clear about it.

Speaker 2 And then it turns out that the beautiful, talented actress that was in the waiting room was there for another part.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 And she was in the pilot and she's a fantastic actress.

Speaker 2 I was like, get her out of here. And then, of course, you know, we're friends now for life.
But

Speaker 2 she was so magnificent and she was in it. And so they all told me this after.
And then the next audition was for the network. And

Speaker 2 that's when I met Chris Maloney. And that was the rest of this history.

Speaker 1 The rest of history. What do you think is the biggest similarity between you and Olivia?

Speaker 2 Compassion, empathy,

Speaker 2 and feel the fear and do it anyway.

Speaker 1 What do you think is the biggest difference?

Speaker 2 You're funny. Comedy.

Speaker 2 You're fucking funny.

Speaker 2 She's not as funny as I am, and she doesn't have this much

Speaker 2 joy and balance.

Speaker 2 But she's awesome. So we give her a pass on all her flaws.

Speaker 1 Not only do we give her a pass, we love her. Taylor Swift named her cat after Olivia Benson.
Can we just...

Speaker 2 Can we just for a second? But I will say, as epic as that is,

Speaker 2 I did name my cat Karma.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 payback's a bitch, isn't it?

Speaker 2 So I leveled the playing field there. And my cat's name is Karma because Karma is a cat.
And she and Karma vibe like that.

Speaker 2 Hold on.

Speaker 2 That happened. Did you name your cat Karma before or after the song came out? Right after.
It was the only thing. It seemed fair.

Speaker 1 So you went and got a cat?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I named it Karma.

Speaker 1 Did you go get a cat just to name a cat Karma or did you want a cat?

Speaker 2 Oh, actually, there's two things. That's a great question.
I didn't want a cat. I wasn't planning on getting a cat.
And I was walking to Starbucks with my daughter and... well, all my kids.

Speaker 2 And there was a pet store there. So embarrassed about this because I don't like buying animals from pet stores.
And I really don't because my dog is a rescue and I'm all about a rescue.

Speaker 2 However,

Speaker 2 and parents understand this, there are moments as a parent when your kids lose their shit.

Speaker 2 They lost their shit. And then my husband, who is the kind of guy that would go, we're not buying a cat.
We're not, guys, no, we're not buying a cat.

Speaker 2 And I said, Peter, just get in here for one second. And we're in the little room.

Speaker 2 like you know they have little sections in the in the pet store and and then peter gets in with the cat and peter's like this is he picks the cat no and then the kids are like we want this one and peter goes no we're getting this one and it was so hilarious and then peter picked the cat so i guess peter and karma vibed like that i don't know what i'm saying so we went home with the cat the kitty the cutest little kitty who now we call it kittis

Speaker 1 that's your cat voice Kittis.

Speaker 2 Kiddis. I can't believe it.
And you know what? The sad part is the cat ignores me. The cat is so bitchy.
If I didn't have my dog, I'd be the most insecure person on the planet.

Speaker 2 Because I come home and our dog, right, she goes crazy. She jumps on Peter.
She's like,

Speaker 2 she can't come down for a half hour. She loves us so much.
She can't see straight.

Speaker 2 Like, I have to send her to the shrink when we're gone because she's so upset if the whole five of us are not together. And I come home, my cat's like, what?

Speaker 1 Marma's like, I don't give.

Speaker 2 She walks by me and goes, Whatever.

Speaker 2 How's your chip? Okay, that's

Speaker 2 she's so bitchy, but I love her. And the whole hard to get thing, I play it right back.
You love it, yeah. I love it.

Speaker 1 Okay, you don't strike me, well, maybe as a music video girly.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm still music video. You are so tell you something.
I did a music video before Taytay.

Speaker 2 What did you do, sweetheart? I did Ronnie Milsap, She Loves My Car. Okay,

Speaker 2 because I was on a car in a bathing suit throwing a beach ball. What? Oh, yes.
Guys, someone pulled this out. This video is going to make

Speaker 2 a huge

Speaker 1 Ronnie Carmack.

Speaker 2 What did you say? No, sorry.

Speaker 2 I forget. See, this is when you're 12 and you're showing your age.

Speaker 2 Ronnie Milsap. Radi.

Speaker 1 Ronnie Milsap.

Speaker 2 Say it, Raddy. Ronnie.
Ronnie. Ronnie.
Ronnie just made my voice crack. Ronnie Millsap.

Speaker 2 She loves my car.

Speaker 1 She loves my car.

Speaker 2 I'm in it with X, Exine. There's a lot of cool stuff.

Speaker 1 We don't need the audio. We just need the video.
No, no, you're going to lose.

Speaker 2 That's... Hold, please.
Where are you?

Speaker 2 Jess, hope, please.

Speaker 1 Guys, we're watching the music video.

Speaker 2 One sec. Hulplease.
Oh!

Speaker 2 Is that you? Yes.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm going to tell you a funny story about this. This is the night I got arrested.

Speaker 1 Okay, pause. Excuse me.
Olivia Benson?

Speaker 2 What? I was arrested and thrown in the slammer. Why? I was thrown in the clink.
Why? Is it called the clink? Yeah. Okay, here's what happened.
This is an excellent story. Okay.

Speaker 2 So in that video, we were shooting, and

Speaker 2 I think it was a two-day shoot, but on the last day, we were losing the light. As you can see, it was shot in the day.
And we were shooting in

Speaker 2 Santa Monica. So as we were losing the light, I had to go back into two outfits.
One was like a pink situation, the other was blue, and I had pink and blue lipstick on. So we were losing the light.

Speaker 2 We didn't have time to switch the makeup palette. So she started adding

Speaker 2 a lot of makeup on me, a lot.

Speaker 2 And at that night, my parents were leaving for Africa. So as the sun set at, I don't know, eight o'clock, I

Speaker 2 jumped in my car, full face of makeup, hair out to here, no shoes, like in fishnets and a questionable outfit, let's just say. I've always been known to have a bit of a lead foot.

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 and stop signs well you know i always saw them as optional um i've changed and i've changed my way since then but i would i wouldn't not stop it was just about like rolling through the red light i'm not proud of it i'm not proud of it and don't don't do this at home but um so i was trying to race home to see my parents all of a sudden

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 2 pull me over and they're like man

Speaker 2 you just ran a stop sign. I was like, I wasn't, but like, I just, I'm going home to see my parents.
I, please, please, da, da, da, da. Can I have your driver's license?

Speaker 2 They pull up my driver's license, and he says, ma'am, please get out of the car.

Speaker 2 I go, what? For a stop sign? What? He says, ma'am, please get out of the car.

Speaker 2 I had

Speaker 2 three.

Speaker 2 I can't say this. People won't look at me the same way.
Say it. I had $3,000

Speaker 2 in

Speaker 2 outstanding in parking tickets

Speaker 2 because at UCLA, I didn't, I was late to class and I didn't always use my parking pass because the garage where my classes were was so far away. I was like, I'll just be fine here.

Speaker 2 I'll just really quick. I'll just really quick go to class and come back out.
And I would get tickets every day. And I was in like a fantasy denial world.
And so I had $3,000.

Speaker 2 And when this guy told me to get out of the car, and of course I don't have shoes on and he's like thinking, making a lot of judgments about me.

Speaker 2 And he puts me in his car, locks me in the back, and throws me in the clink.

Speaker 2 He throws me in the clink.

Speaker 2 I can't call my parents after I've just said, hey, guys, I'm coming home. I want to see you before you go to Africa.

Speaker 2 And so I was like, hey, the video, the shoot has gone over. I don't know that we can.
So I called. Also, I never, I'm a girl that never, not anymore, but during my 20s, I never have cash.

Speaker 2 I never had cash on me. Never.

Speaker 2 That night,

Speaker 2 I had $160 in 20s and I think bail was like 180. I was 120 short of making bail.

Speaker 2 Oh, they throwed me in the, they threw me in the slammer. The clink.
The clink. That was so good.

Speaker 2 It's so good. They threw me in the clink.
And I'm standing there and everyone's like, what are you in for?

Speaker 2 And I asked everybody what they were in for.

Speaker 1 Are you not supposed to do that?

Speaker 2 I don't know, but I made friends with everyone.

Speaker 2 And then they all gave me phone numbers when I got out because at the time a friend came and picked me up. And I got everyone's phone number and they said, Will you call this person?

Speaker 2 Will you call this person? So I had four phone numbers when I left. And I was calling, going, Hey, just want to let you know your friend is in the Santa Monica jailhouse.

Speaker 2 And it was so funny. People were like, What are you in for? And I was like, I got a speeding ticket.
But the point is,

Speaker 2 it was.

Speaker 2 You got arrested after your first music video yep thank god that didn't happen after bad blood

Speaker 2 can you imagine after bad blood if they threw me the plank again and i said sweetheart i've been here before you can't scare me that is i just realized that that is so funny so

Speaker 1 okay so you are a music video girl yeah would you ever do another one again if taytay asked me

Speaker 2 i'm hoping i'm standing by for taylor i only do taylor swift videos now

Speaker 2 i hit the big time. I've hit the big time.

Speaker 1 The fact that you can say that is such a flex. Like, oh, I only do Taylor Swift videos.

Speaker 2 I only do Taylor Swift videos.

Speaker 1 Okay, you need to give me a little behind the scenes of the music video with her. Like, give us anything.
You know the world is all shit.

Speaker 2 It was so fun.

Speaker 1 It's the best music video.

Speaker 2 It's the best music video. And I'd already, wait, I think I'd already gone to the music.

Speaker 2 The music

Speaker 2 video awards. Like, I can't even think of what it's called.
What's it called? The music awards. Yeah.
When I got to go with the squad. No, it was after, right? After we made a bunch of people.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah.
That was the most fun. Being in the squad with all the cool girls and soaker models and all of it.
It was like the most fun ever.

Speaker 2 It was just so great. And she was just warm and smart and kind and such a boss lady.
And,

Speaker 2 and it was so amazing. Cause what, what year was that? And I learned so, I learned so much from her.
That's what I love about her is she's so young, but she shows us

Speaker 2 so in such beautiful ways how to be fearless and a boss lady.

Speaker 1 I literally was trying to fall asleep last night and I turned on the Eras tour to like put me to bed, and then I watched the entire thing and I was up till 3 a.m.

Speaker 2 That's right. My daughter watches the same thing.
We have it on repeat, it's the best.

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Speaker 1 Obviously, I know that you've talked a lot about how people

Speaker 1 will come up to you and feel comfortable to share, yeah, disclose their stories. And sometimes they're telling it for the first time to you.
Like, how does it feel to know people trust you like that?

Speaker 2 It's such a privilege. It's such an honor.

Speaker 2 It's insane. You know, I live a very

Speaker 2 unique existence that way with such a deep connection, like soul connection to

Speaker 2 my, you know,

Speaker 2 people,

Speaker 2 survivors and fans. And it's so different than I think

Speaker 2 maybe other

Speaker 2 artists have because

Speaker 2 they share with me the deepest, most sacred, most tender, intimate parts of themselves with me. And there's such a beautiful, you know, understanding or a feeling of safety.
And that's been

Speaker 2 it's hard really to put into words to have such a connection with a person that almost requires no words because it's an understanding.

Speaker 2 And I

Speaker 2 am so grateful. And I think it's part of the reason of SVU.
I obviously it's been a marathon and I, and I love it, and I'm so not done with it.

Speaker 2 But there are times and there have been years where I am, you know, I've been running a marathon and I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted.
But

Speaker 2 there's so much,

Speaker 2 there's so much

Speaker 2 healing and so much beauty. And we know that bearing witness to someone's story is healing.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I'm just profoundly grateful that I get to be whatever part of somebody's healing journey. So it's magnificent.

Speaker 1 It is. Last year, then you shared in an op-ed that you are also a survivor and you were assaulted in your 30s.
What made you want to speak about it publicly?

Speaker 2 It was very interesting.

Speaker 2 I was doing the People magazine cover and it was a feature on,

Speaker 2 you know, milestones, right? It was, I turned 60, Joyful Heart was 20 years old. I was married for 20 years,

Speaker 2 you know, 20-year anniversary, and my oldest son going to college. And there was just milestone after milestone after milestone.
And

Speaker 2 what's so beautiful about that is

Speaker 2 this the woman, the journalist came over, and I wasn't planning on talking about that. And I had so much to talk about,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 it just came up organically. And so, the way I see that is

Speaker 2 it was about me being present,

Speaker 2 and I was ready. I was just ready,

Speaker 2 and that felt

Speaker 2 also like a gift, that it just came up. And

Speaker 2 there was no shame. There was no stigma.
There was no fear.

Speaker 2 I was unencumbered

Speaker 2 because of the work that I had done on it. And

Speaker 2 I had some work to do

Speaker 2 to process it. And again,

Speaker 2 I was so happy to.

Speaker 2 I I was so happy to because it just came up and that's where it was. And that was real.
And I was ready to talk about it.

Speaker 1 Because I was thinking, like, I noticed, obviously, there's like a parallel in

Speaker 1 this character that you've been playing is investigating these types of crimes, right?

Speaker 1 But then behind the scenes, you're processing trauma. Like.

Speaker 1 What was that like for you? Being on SVU and

Speaker 1 having these heavy hitting topics every single week, did it ever impact you emotionally with what you've gone through?

Speaker 2 So much. And I think that's the

Speaker 2 deep

Speaker 2 compassion and

Speaker 2 empathy and understanding and connection of really understanding it on, you know,

Speaker 2 a visceral level. And that's why I wanted to talk about it, because so many people blame themselves, myself included.
And I couldn't process

Speaker 2 that I couldn't get out of it. I couldn't.

Speaker 2 I have gotten out of so many things through

Speaker 2 my intellect, through

Speaker 2 comedy, through just outsmarting, through,

Speaker 2 you know, physically.

Speaker 2 And I couldn't get out of this and I couldn't metabolize it. I couldn't understand that I

Speaker 2 couldn't.

Speaker 2 And that just lived in me. And so I

Speaker 2 blamed myself.

Speaker 2 And then it got to the point where I went, it just became so clear what happened. And I was ready to.

Speaker 2 I was also in denial about it. And I remember I told my husband, and he said,

Speaker 2 he looked at me like,

Speaker 2 Ishka,

Speaker 2 you said that you were never

Speaker 2 sexually assaulted.

Speaker 2 You were.

Speaker 2 He said that.

Speaker 2 And I remember going like,

Speaker 2 and that's why I understand about denial

Speaker 2 and dissociating. And I have so much room for that in people because now I look at it and I say, I'm grateful.

Speaker 2 for that part of myself that kept me safe, for that part of myself that said, you're not ready to deal with it. So there's no blame.
There's only integration. And,

Speaker 2 you know, we have to

Speaker 2 scaffold ourselves. We have to support ourselves.
We have to be ready.

Speaker 2 We have to build an infrastructure within ourselves and external support that we know that will be heard and that will be understood and timing is right.

Speaker 2 And so I was very excited to share that because I know that, you know, as Olivia Benson, I know that people like project on me and think, oh, she's so this, she's so that, it could never happen to her.

Speaker 2 Well, guess what?

Speaker 2 It did.

Speaker 2 And there was nothing I could do about it.

Speaker 2 And even if I could,

Speaker 2 fight or flight is real, and people freeze. And that is the neurobiology of trauma.
That is what happens.

Speaker 2 We freeze. And so

Speaker 2 understanding that and studying that, and I think that in all my, you know, research and all the studying that I've done and, you know,

Speaker 2 really learning about trauma and understanding, you know, the body keeps the score and how we hold trauma in our body on a cellular level and, you know, fracturing and memory fracturing and all the things that happened to us.

Speaker 2 I had to fully understand that

Speaker 2 to be able to talk about it because I couldn't understand.

Speaker 2 And so many people couldn't understand.

Speaker 2 And my favorite thing was after I shared that story, so many women came forward and said

Speaker 2 that happened to me. And they couldn't believe that they couldn't.
They didn't understand what happened to them physically.

Speaker 1 It is like incredible

Speaker 1 the way you talk about it and that you're doing this publicly, though.

Speaker 1 Not that it is like for you to have to do, but it does help hearing someone really put it in perspective because there are so many people that are like, well, why did it take so long? And I've had it.

Speaker 1 I know it's going to happen. Like, well, why didn't you come out with this? Why does it take a decade later?

Speaker 1 And it's like normalizing that there is no timeline of when it is correct for someone to speak up about what happened to them that was traumatic. Trauma is not linear.

Speaker 1 It, you could come out with it the day of, you could come out with it never, or it could be 50 years. We don't know, but I think that question is such a question of privilege.

Speaker 1 You'd be like, well, why didn't you? Well, then you probably haven't experienced something like that because then you wouldn't be asking that question, or you're projecting.

Speaker 2 Or, but also, Alex, or

Speaker 2 they're also in denial. Yeah.
And they're also not ready to deal with it because I've had so many people that I've heard them talk about that.

Speaker 2 And certainly, you know, I mean, in my movie, I am Evidence, you know, about the backlog of the untested rape kits, you know, we have an expert talk about the neurobiology of trauma.

Speaker 2 And listen, when law enforcement said she was gang raped, well, she just lied there and she must have wanted it. They don't understand.
So part of it is truly a lack of education and understanding.

Speaker 2 And also,

Speaker 2 for example, one out of, you know, three women is sexually assaulted in their life and one out of six men.

Speaker 2 It has been my experience that the men who have disclosed to me that were assaulted many times in their teens, all the men that have disclosed to me, and there's been a few,

Speaker 2 were all in their 50s. And that's just not an accident.
It took them that long to process it.

Speaker 2 So I think that the people that are

Speaker 2 judging

Speaker 2 either

Speaker 2 are a little

Speaker 2 disconnected

Speaker 2 or they don't, are not educated in trauma.

Speaker 1 Something that you wrote in your op-ed that I thought was really beautiful is you really talk about how your mission is to take the shame off of survivors and put it on who it belongs to, which is the abusers.

Speaker 1 What do you think, though, is the first step to doing that?

Speaker 2 Women say,

Speaker 2 I was raped.

Speaker 2 Where's the perpetrator in that?

Speaker 2 There's no perpetrator, so there's a weird ownership, right?

Speaker 2 I think the blame has to be named.

Speaker 2 He

Speaker 2 raped me.

Speaker 2 Name it.

Speaker 2 One of the greatest

Speaker 2 pieces of advice that I've ever received,

Speaker 2 and I'll tell you two. Well, there's three.
One is slowing down.

Speaker 2 Everything.

Speaker 2 The second is

Speaker 2 noticing things.

Speaker 2 Just notice it. Don't need to change it, but notice it.

Speaker 2 And the third is naming things, right?

Speaker 2 We push through our emotions to not feel because it's too painful.

Speaker 2 So for me,

Speaker 2 being able to slow down, notice a feeling.

Speaker 2 And honor it, not have to do anything. You take the pressure off.
Just sitting with yourself and noticing that. You go,

Speaker 2 and it's like,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And then you name it.

Speaker 2 And once you name it,

Speaker 2 things get put in the right piles.

Speaker 2 So for me,

Speaker 2 this person

Speaker 2 raped me.

Speaker 2 I was not raped.

Speaker 2 He raped me.

Speaker 2 There was nothing I could do about it.

Speaker 2 And I have clarity about what happened. And I don't blame myself at all.

Speaker 2 I'm, I survived it.

Speaker 2 My unconscious and myself and my whole being did what I had to do to survive. And if that was going into denial about it,

Speaker 2 then so be it. I'm grateful for the part of me that said, we're not ready to deal with this.

Speaker 2 And you'll be ready when you're ready. Now, what did I do? I started a foundation for victims of sexual assault and domestic violence.
So I did something about it. And I did something great about it.

Speaker 2 And I talked about it.

Speaker 2 And I dealt with mine. when I was ready.
And I'm grateful for that. And I have patience for that.
And I have empathy for the part of myself that wasn't ready to deal with it.

Speaker 2 So that's what I feel like. I don't have judgment.
I look at, I say, when you're ready, when people can't deal with it, when they judge, when they blame, when they go,

Speaker 2 you go, okay, I understand.

Speaker 2 That's about them. And you don't take that on.
What you're doing is brave. It's powerful.
You understand the power of healing.

Speaker 2 You know, I talked to so many people since you invited me to come be on this show. And

Speaker 2 people have a very emotional connection with you. And that's what I found so moving, right?

Speaker 2 Because you're so funny and you talk about, you know, fun stuff and comedy and frivolous things and silly things. And

Speaker 2 you go in

Speaker 2 and you do it all. I had somebody say to me last week, I said, what do you like about it? I wanted to understand.
And they said, I grew up in a house where nobody talked about sex.

Speaker 2 I grew up in a house where it was so,

Speaker 2 I didn't know anything. I learned she's like my sister.
And that made me, I was like, oh my God, I don't love her. But you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But what you do, I mean, we're not, we're similar, I think, in a way. I really do.
And I, I, I have, I feel a weird

Speaker 2 connection to you because

Speaker 2 you give people permission. You talk about things where people don't.
What do I tell people in this field? Talk about it. Talk about it.
Go to your dinner table and say, I want to talk about it.

Speaker 2 Talk to your sons. Talk to boys.
Talk to your friends. People didn't talk about it.
And now they do. And guess what? Everyone goes, me too.

Speaker 1 Immediately. Immediately.
It's like conversation is such power. And it makes me happy to hear that because it's power.
It is. And it's like people are just looking to feel connected because we're so

Speaker 1 isolated.

Speaker 2 We're looking for community.

Speaker 2 You give that. I give that.
We give that. Connection is everything.
It makes us feel less isolated, less ashamed, less alone. Those were the things when people wrote to me.

Speaker 2 Those were the things in the letters that I got when people started disclosing their stories of abuse.

Speaker 2 I'm ashamed. I'm alone.
I'm alone. They're so isolated.
They didn't know to tell people. And as soon as you tell people, everyone says, I have a story.
I have this, I have that.

Speaker 2 That's how we change the culture.

Speaker 2 That is what's so exciting. And I'm so happy.

Speaker 2 I'm so, I don't know, it's not appropriate, but I'm so proud of you for what you did. I'm so proud of you for what you built and what you made and your fearlessness and your badassery.

Speaker 1 I feel the same exact way with you. I think like when you meet women who are trying to do their best, it's like we're not,

Speaker 1 we're just sharing our experiences.

Speaker 1 And yes, it's uncomfortable, but I've always said if me being vulnerable online can help anyone at home sitting in their room be like, oh my God, Alex, me too, then I did my job today.

Speaker 2 You did your job today. And that's why I said people are like, oh, are you, do you feel vulnerable? And I go, yeah, I feel really vulnerable.
But guess what?

Speaker 2 When people are vulnerable to me, you know what it makes me want to do? Hug them. Yes.
Hug them.

Speaker 1 And get and get vulnerable again.

Speaker 2 And get vulnerable again and tell them everything. You're like, oh my God, I do.

Speaker 2 And then you have a connection with somebody that you may have out of fear or insecurity, you may have projected on them. And then you don't even see them.
Truly.

Speaker 2 And they could be awesome and you're bestie. Right.
And then you have a connection forever.

Speaker 2 Because if somebody goes, I don't know, like,

Speaker 2 then you go, you know what? Do you know her story? She's been through a lot.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 2 And then you explain

Speaker 2 how much you get curious about somebody. And even I say that to my daughter.
It's one of my favorite things. You know, she's in middle school and it's tough to navigate.

Speaker 2 And she's like, this person was mean or this person was rude. And she didn't talk to me.
And I always go, why, why? Why do you think? Do you think she was having a bad day?

Speaker 2 Do you think she felt, do you think she felt insecure or jealous? Do you think she saw you as somebody else and did this, this?

Speaker 2 Because we're all so tender and like tender, and we just want to feel cozy and connected.

Speaker 1 I know when people are acting out, a lot of times you're like, oh my God, don't even get mad. Be like, what is this person going through?

Speaker 2 What's wrong? What's wrong? What Robin Williams said? We're all carrying. What's that beautiful quote? Everyone is fighting a battle that you know nothing about.
Be kind always.

Speaker 2 Boom.

Speaker 1 I know we only have so much time, so I have to ask.

Speaker 2 I have a heart out at five o'clock. No, you.
Five o'clock.

Speaker 2 No, I am jumping on a plane.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I know, I know.
So let me ask some of like the questions I need to ask. Okay, go.

Speaker 2 Because the SVU is

Speaker 2 here for it.

Speaker 1 First of all, I could talk about this with you.

Speaker 1 We could go on a fucking retreat together and sit and talk and write nine books together, but I only have so much time with you, so I need to ask these questions too. Okay.

Speaker 1 SVU fans are obsessed with you and Chris Maloney's on-screen dynamic. Obviously, talk to me about your friendship in real life.

Speaker 2 We

Speaker 2 are just connected. We are so close.
It's like we've been through the battle together. We know each other so well.
We love each other so much. We respect each other so much.

Speaker 2 We

Speaker 2 connected, obviously, by living these stories and living

Speaker 2 and going so deep together for so many years acting. And

Speaker 2 he and I

Speaker 2 really bond over comedy. We have a very similar sense of humor and we just have, you know what it is? It's shared perspective.
It's shorthand. We are so comfortable with each other.

Speaker 2 We deeply trust each other. We know like whatever he needs, I will always be there for him.
And that's mutual.

Speaker 2 And we have grown together. We've known each other 27 years.

Speaker 1 When he left the show, I felt like obviously the entire world was just devastated. Like,

Speaker 1 how did you handle that? Did you know? How do you guys talked about it? Like, what was, and how did it affect the cast and everything?

Speaker 2 I was devastated.

Speaker 2 I was devastated.

Speaker 2 No, it.

Speaker 2 It happened very quickly and it was surprising. It was over a negotiation and I tried everything I could to fix it and change it.
And you know, again, it's one of these things in life where you

Speaker 2 I have these. I'm sorry, I don't mean to have ADD, but I have these chandeliers.
You're lying. I swear to God.

Speaker 2 Sophie,

Speaker 2 pull up my

Speaker 2 chandeliers in my dressing room.

Speaker 1 You're lying.

Speaker 2 We have the same separated at birth.

Speaker 2 Yes. We look so much alike.
When I saw you, I was like, this is like a mirror.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I'm going to show you my.
I'm sending you photos of my dressing room. This is, she has the sconce version of my chandeliers.
Sorry, ADD moment. Come back.
What would you ask me?

Speaker 1 Oh, contract. He left.

Speaker 2 You were left. I was devastated.
And, and,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 it was awesome. He was ready to go.
He did, he went on and did all these other great shows, great work.

Speaker 2 I got to meet some of my favorite humans,

Speaker 2 all the people that, all the actors that have come on SVU, it's a, I will say this.

Speaker 2 It's a magical place. It's a magical place to work.
Everyone is deeply, deeply invested. And my favorite thing

Speaker 2 of all of it is when guest stars come and say to me,

Speaker 2 Is it always like this here? And I go, Yep. What?

Speaker 2 It's a team. It's fun.

Speaker 2 We laugh and we get it done.

Speaker 2 Like we are so focused and so, listen, it's shorthand. Everyone knows a drill.
Everyone's so good. And

Speaker 2 we know when to play. We know when to work.
We have been together so long. There's a real intimacy.
I'm like very close with my crew. Like we text yesterday.
We

Speaker 2 love each other and we are a team. And if somebody's not invested, they're out.
Like we bring our A-game, best idea wins.

Speaker 2 And it is a joy. And I look forward to going to work every day.

Speaker 2 And you can't believe how much we laugh. What time do you have to wake up? Well, now that I've been on the show since 1926, my call is seven every day.

Speaker 2 Everyone else gets up at like five, but I'm like, sweetie,

Speaker 2 i'm gonna roll in around 730. i hope you're cool with that there's a little mama mama has mama sets the mama's the boss mama's the boss now i hashtag boss lady what

Speaker 2 i don't wield it around but they're not confused do you know

Speaker 2 i'm obsessed no it's really good but i'm the hardest worker of all of them too there you go i don't play i set the standard i say this is what we're doing and if it's not working i go we're that's not good let's go again okay svu talk for the really, really, really crazies they need me to ask.

Speaker 1 Olivia and Elliot had a will they, won't they relationship for years?

Speaker 1 Do you think they'll ever end up together?

Speaker 2 Maybe on the last episode.

Speaker 2 I think that's when they should be together.

Speaker 1 On the last episode. Yeah.
Do you want them to be at the end?

Speaker 2 If it's right.

Speaker 2 We'll see when we get there.

Speaker 2 We are soulmates in a way.

Speaker 1 Yes. We are.

Speaker 2 And I think that

Speaker 2 I,

Speaker 2 I mean, Chris has had a

Speaker 2 profound

Speaker 2 impact on my life,

Speaker 2 my artistry.

Speaker 2 I think we've had a big impact on each other. And so

Speaker 2 Olivia and Elliot are, but let's see where the story takes us, you know.

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Speaker 2 Okay, quick rapid fire.

Speaker 1 Who has been your favorite guest star to work with?

Speaker 2 Are you fucking kidding me? There's so many good ones for different reasons. Name a couple quick.
Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, the first thing that comes out of my mouth right now is Bradley Woodford and Amy Landecker. Boom.
Okay. Just because it's recent and they're so funny.
Okay.

Speaker 1 What episode of SVU are the most proud of?

Speaker 2 Rapid fire?

Speaker 2 The one I directed, maybe,

Speaker 2 what's it called? In the

Speaker 2 one in the sky with Bradley Woodford. Boom.
Okay.

Speaker 1 What has been your craziest fan interaction?

Speaker 2 Craziest fan interaction.

Speaker 2 Hold on, there's a lot.

Speaker 2 I like it when, like, you know, because I get so much love on the street. And I mean, I get a lot of love.
Somebody's like, I don't get SVL.

Speaker 2 I don't got it. Somebody came up to me and I'm like, oh, my God.
Well, I'm so sorry. Thank you.
I don't know what to say. Sophie, do I have another fan interaction?

Speaker 1 Oh, that's good. Sophie's not even.
Sophie's not.

Speaker 2 Sophie. Sophie.

Speaker 1 But you live in New York City. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it

Speaker 1 like, are you getting, are you, can you walk to the bagel shop?

Speaker 2 No. No.
No. It's so awesome, but you have to understand, I walk.

Speaker 2 It's such a joy because I walk and they're like, I got to love you. You know, it's like

Speaker 2 yeah, and they, I hug it out, I'm a hunger. It's a, it's very intimate

Speaker 2 relationship in New York. So one time I was, um, I was, uh, well, I was getting in my car and I, uh, was,

Speaker 2 saw a man fall. And so I went over, I jumped out of my car, I grabbed the man and I picked him up and I put him in my car and I took him to the hospital and then I took him home.

Speaker 2 Like I do like stuff like that a lot. If I see, if I see something, if you see something, say something.
If I see something, I just handle it.

Speaker 1 There's stuff like that. Has anyone ever mistaken you while you're on set for being an actual cop?

Speaker 2 Well, there was the time when I was shooting a scene in a park and we were shooting a scene and the little girl came up to me crying and said hi. And she was just crying and she wouldn't talk.

Speaker 2 And I said, what's the matter, honey? And she said, she was crying. And I said, did you lose your, did you lose? Is your mom? Can you, where's your mom? And she was like,

Speaker 2 and so I just picked her up. I said, can I pick you up? And I picked her up.
And then I walked around the park until I, until I found her mom. So I think she thought I was a police officer.

Speaker 2 And, but either way, she trusted me. So that was beautiful.

Speaker 1 Olivia, we love it. Have you ever taken anything from set?

Speaker 2 Like, do you have any?

Speaker 1 Do you have any of like Olivia's memorabilia in your house?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, take whatever I want, whatever I want.

Speaker 2 I just go, can I have this? I always ask, can I have this? And they're like, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Or they're like, no. And you're like, okay, thanks.
And you take it anyway.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They don't say no, but I don't ask for stuff like that.
You know, they gave me like my real badge because I wanted that, and I framed it, and then they made a new badge for me.

Speaker 1 That's really cute. Yeah, um, okay,

Speaker 1 with all that you've achieved, how do you define success at this point in your life?

Speaker 2 Peace,

Speaker 2 space,

Speaker 2 um,

Speaker 2 balance.

Speaker 2 I feel

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 peaceful and present in a new way. I haven't always.
I used to have a lot of anxiety. I'd be scared, and I'm just not anymore.
And I trust.

Speaker 2 I think that I trust. I think I had a lot of catastrophic

Speaker 2 thinking and was waiting for the shoe to drop, which is understandable, losing my mother. And then this thing happening with my father.

Speaker 2 And now

Speaker 2 I feel

Speaker 2 steady and grateful and

Speaker 2 loved.

Speaker 2 I think my family is my biggest

Speaker 2 place of success in my life.

Speaker 2 It's everything that I wanted. My husband is everything that I wanted.
My husband is my

Speaker 2 home,

Speaker 2 my cheerleader, my

Speaker 2 makes me laugh if he can fix anything.

Speaker 2 And the best dad.

Speaker 2 I call him daddy. I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2 I so don't. Don't use that.
It was shtick. That was that.
That's the headline. No, and then my, my, my kids, like our family.

Speaker 2 I love my kids so much. And I just love our family.
I love our family. The fact that I get to go home right now to my kids and my family, I'm like, what else is there?

Speaker 2 What else is there? And integration. I say integration.
This is what I was talking about, all the parts. I feel success because I'm integration.
Everything's in balance.

Speaker 2 There's no like highs and lows. I'm like, oh, yes, okay, the movie is great.
But I'm just settled being with you and being present and connecting. It's, I just feel

Speaker 2 settled and hopeful. And now I go back to SBU and I'm like, oh, I wonder what I'll do.
I'm not as fearful.

Speaker 1 I think that's incredible advice. Like even thinking back to the beginning of this episode when you were talking about, you know, your 20s, you were like, that was the worst era of my life.

Speaker 1 And I know I have a lot of women in their 20s listening. And I think it's so beautiful to hear from you how.
they should feel so hopeful that it's going to get better.

Speaker 1 You're going to know yourself more. You're going to grow into yourself more.
You're going to learn how to heal your traumas. You're going to learn how to love yourself more.

Speaker 2 It's all coming. Be patient and be gentle with yourself and know that there's parts of you at work and they're all trying to figure it out.
And they're all parts that want your attention.

Speaker 2 So be gentle and listen. Listen to that inner voice.
My inner voice has guided me. And when I'm still enough to listen to it, it has all the answers.
You already have everything you need.

Speaker 2 You already have it inside and that's the thing that we that we need to grow into

Speaker 1 this was so lovely this was so lovely i feel like i was just like at coffee with a girlfriend chatting truly you are so inspiring you're so talented you're so smart you're all the things of like a dream guest that i could have asked for and my family and friends are so jealous right now and i had the best time so thank you so much for coming on colour daddy this was a dream i truly am honored to be here.

Speaker 2 Let's do it again. Woo! Woo!

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