Heather McMahan: Golf Wives, Hall Passes & Frat Daddies

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What is up, Daddy Gang?

It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Heather McMahon, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

Hi, honey.

How are you?

I am obsessed with you.

Just for context to everyone that doesn't know, we met virtually while I was in Paris.

Yes.

You popped onto my live show.

I had the best time with you.

It was so much fun.

And it was like 6 a.m.

at home.

And your team was like, hey, do you have a couple wigs that you could just throw on real quick?

And I'm like, yeah, sure.

Let me just go down to my office and get my wigs.

Yeah.

You pulled out all the stops, but I'm more at Heather, like, How the fuck have we never met before?

I know, I feel like this is now a Kismet moment, right?

We've been circling in this.

Well, we've been like on the you know, we've been circling around from the outside,

we were circling the drain, and now we're just fully going to the gutter.

You're close with Jackie Schimmel, yes, Jackie's like my best friend.

And every time I feel like she's ever, I've ever heard her talk about you, she's like, She's the funniest person I've ever met.

And I'm like, Well, at first, I thought Jackie was the funniest person I've ever met, and love you, Jackie.

You're funny, you're more hysterical.

You're funnier.

Um, I watched your stand-up, which we're gonna going to get to.

Yeah.

It's fucking amazing.

You're so sweet.

No.

Like, I was doing my makeup this morning, watching it, laughing like hysterically.

I like that.

It's fucking brilliant.

You like, that's the response I love when people are like, hey, I think I got a UTI after watching your special.

I'm like, I fucking did not.

It's how I felt.

Also, I just want to let you know that I'm on like too many cups of coffee right now because last night I didn't sleep for a fucking minute because my dog has

diarrhea.

Oh, I've been there.

Honey, I have two French bulldogs.

It is a dry heap.

It is a, every morning I wake up and I bought like expensive sheets.

That's one of the things I did when I started making money to treat myself.

There is, my thread count is so fucked.

There is a Frenchie barf every single night in the middle of the night.

But I feel like you would prefer a barf over diarrhea.

Honestly, at this point, it's all starting to look and smell the same.

So it's not great either way.

It comes out.

No, Heather, I literally was like, so I'm watching TV last night.

My husband husband falls asleep early.

It's like 11.30.

I'm watching like the perfect couple with Nicole Kidman.

It's ethical.

I have feelings.

I have feelings too.

But you know, there's nothing to watch.

So I'm like trying to enjoy myself.

Matt's like, I can't watch this trash.

I'm like, shut the fuck up and go to bed.

Right.

I hear the little noise and I'm like.

You hear up in the stomach, like the gurgle, that wet gurgle.

That's the word.

It's more of a little bit of like,

like some farts.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Some bubbles.

Like, my God.

I'm demure being like, did you, did your dog

It was more of like a splatter.

Like a like a big splatter.

People hate when I talk about shit on this show, but I don't give a shit.

Okay.

If you're in your 30s and you haven't shit yourself at a Costco in the last six months, then you actually need to see a doctor.

Get your life right.

Like, fuck off, okay?

So he's splattering.

Yeah.

And I wake my husband up and I'm like, Matt, Bruce, just shit all over the carpet.

Right.

And Matt is like, What do you want me to do?

Go clean it up.

Now, I have never cleaned their shit ever if it's like in the house.

Matt is the best.

And I want to talk to you about Jeff, your husband, today.

We'll get into that.

Yeah, let's talk about Jeff.

Yeah, yeah, we're going to talk about our husbands because I look at Matt like mortified.

Matt never makes me really do much around the house.

He's kind of like the house man, you know?

Ellen, we're the breadwinners.

Yes.

Well, Matt's also doing fine, but whatever.

Yeah.

So he won't get up, and I am on my hands and knees, and I am doing the Clorox.

I'm doing it all.

An hour later, he shits again.

And two hours later, he shits again.

So I, you are seeing a woman who is broken today.

I'm seeing a woman who has literally had herself elbows deep and golden doodle doo-doo.

So

I'm here for support.

I actually have been having like the worst anxiety the last few days.

Why?

Just there's so much shit going on.

And this is what I've been looking forward to most.

It's just like I wear 65 different hats and literally I was at dinner last night trying to enjoy a nice, you know, porcini risotto.

And I literally was like, kind of like, you know, geeking out.

Cause it's just, do you get it?

I was short circuiting.

I thought I had a stroke at dinner and I was like, is it the Aperol Sprints?

Do I need a beta blocker?

Do I need a Laura tab?

Like, whatever.

A little bit of both.

A little bit of both.

I just took a Benadryl and I just let it fly.

Do you get anxiety a lot?

I never really had bad anxiety until my life started getting good, which is weird.

I'm like, wait, why?

I think it's a pressure thing.

I think you just like, and I travel so much.

I think I don't know what time zone I'm in ever.

Yeah, it was like when life was tough, I was just cruising.

When life got, like things started to, you know, start flowing, I think that's when I started to get anxious.

Why?

Because you think it's like there's more to lose.

Like when you're on the up and up, you're like, I have nothing.

I am worth nothing.

I'm a loser.

Rock bottom.

I was like, fuck this.

And now I'm just like, oh, people are relying on me.

There are comments on the internet.

I don't know.

We're good.

This is a safe space.

The daddy gang is going to fucking love you.

And you're funny as fuck.

And so you're funnier than probably everyone that I've had sitting this chair.

Oh my God.

So just do your fucking thing.

I know everyone calls you daddy and father, but my dad is dead.

Can I just call you dad?

Because I'm looking for a father figure in my life.

Call me dad.

I'm here for you.

I've had a lot of girls reach out being like, I had a dead beat, dad.

Like, you're my dad.

You're my father figure.

Whatever way I can fit in fatherly to your life, I'm here for you, Heather.

I'm so sorry about your dad, but it happens, but I'm here.

Okay, great.

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Okay, we need to talk about golf because

It consumes my life, Heather.

And I know a huge part of your stand-up is you talking about your fucking husband golfing.

And the fucking golf.

It is like every woman understands it.

The golf widow thing is so fucking real.

Talk to me about like where you're at in your golf journey.

Have you seen him lately?

Has he been on the golf course often?

Like what's happening?

I was, you know, getting full glam this morning, running around, taking calls, answering emails.

And my husband's buddy put us in a group chat and sent me a photo.

My husband's playing some prestigious course in the middle of nowhere, like rock, you know, upstate New York.

And it's just like, look at, you know, look at Big Daddy Swing.

And I respond, I'm fucking working.

Go home.

Take care of our Frenchy children.

Get the fuck out of here.

You're like, I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck.

If he's, you know, letting it rip, I need, oh, you're stuck in a sand trap.

Not my problem.

It's so crazy.

Matt is having like the biggest existential crisis because his country club, even that word, it does make me kind of like clench my butthole a little bit.

He's a country club.

And you go, I say you're a country club.

He's like, it's ours, Alex.

Like, you're my wife now.

Like, you're a member.

I'm like, I'm never going.

I don't know.

Maybe Maybe I will.

Like, but he is freaking out because it's getting closed for like some construction.

Oh, just the core scene.

Oh, and so he's trying to get it, get it in, get it in.

Let's go.

We got to go play.

I'm like, oh my God, you're never home.

I have one stipulation.

So we're at our country club, and I actually think you would thrive as a country club girly.

I don't think people give country clubs.

Yes, there are archaic practices there, but I love going to my country club.

It's the one I grew up at, the one my grandparents were members of.

I hang out with a pack of like 75-year-old women.

They play bridge, we drink white wine, and nobody gives me shit.

You know what I mean?

but i did say there is a stipulation like in our prenup because i am actually the actual member of the country club because i was a legacy so my thing is if like we ever divorce like i get the club membership and if you don't think i'm going into the men's locker room and ripping jeff's plaque off of his locker you must not know me oh my god you're gonna be married forever even if you hate him he's never leaving you and i do have a great husband so shout out to jeff we won't shit on you this whole episode but i do when i'm there he got mad one day because they didn't know like under our membership, you know, they would always refer to him as Mr.

McMahon.

Okay.

And he got upset one day.

He was like, you know, it's just like they don't know.

I said, then, Jeff, correct them.

Let them know that you are Mr.

Daniels because I didn't take my husband's last name.

Okay.

I'm in entertainment.

I didn't want to do it.

It's fine.

Our kids will be Daniels.

Live your life.

And I was like, imagine what every woman feels like.

You know what I mean?

If I check into a hotel and they refer to me as Miss Daniels, I go, Gladly.

Like, don't let that bruise your ego.

You can pump the brakes, buddy.

You got a tea time to make.

It is so fucking true.

They get like, I will be sitting in the hotel and Matt will hear like, hi, Mr.

Cooper.

And he's like,

and I'm like, it's okay, Matt.

Stand up for yourself or shut the fuck up.

Like, I have, and I will continue to have to do for the X amount of years that people will say, like, hi, Mrs.

Kaplan, and I'm Mrs.

Cooper.

And I'm like, I don't care.

I don't care because it's not emasculating me.

My vagina is set and fine.

Like, fuck it.

Let's talk about the golf aesthetic.

Oh, yeah.

Let's talk about it.

The golf outfits look pretty bad for women.

Yeah, it's pretty farty.

It's rough.

It's like a pleated Shino short that tucks right underneath where your bra fat is.

It's, it's absolutely awful.

I'm trying to fix it.

So give me a little time.

No, it's trying to fix it.

How do you feel when Jeff saunters down in the morning wearing his golf outfit?

Like, are you okay with the male golf outfits or are you like?

Okay, so the way I feel about it is, you know, I say this in the special, but like any man who wears a visor, that's an immediate my vagina just shrivels up.

Because here's the thing.

First of all, it looks like he can't afford the whole hat.

You know what I mean?

I don't know these men in visors.

And then my husband will drive home from like the golf course.

You know, sunroof is open.

He's had a good match.

He's singing, you know, Nantasha Betting feel.

I feel the rain on my skin.

And his like hair is like flipped over the visor.

So he comes in sweaties and a Peter Millar shirt, grass on his Sheenos.

And I just go, I'm not trying to have sex with you right now.

Why do they come back horny after golf?

I don't know.

Because they feel empowered because they went out and won $5 on the golf course.

And then they're like, let's fucking do it.

So I was thinking about that in your special because I'm like, okay, they come come home and Matt does the same thing.

Like Matt is successful.

Like he does great in business.

He will come home and be like,

I want 50 bucks.

And I'm literally like, he's like, are you to blow me?

We're like, no, take a shower.

You smell like the outdoors.

Get out of here.

But they're so excited about like that $5 or that $10.

They conquered something.

It's work is one thing, but when you're out there, when you're in a force in with guys and they're, you know, it's all shit talking and they're like, oh, here goes Jeff.

He's got a 40-foot putt and he makes it.

There is nothing that gives a man a bigger boner than sinking a putt.

It's infuriating.

It is infuriating.

And I try and think about like, like, what makes me that horny.

And I think I'm really stepping up my golf game because I played growing up.

And now I'm like, I really do, I want to play because it's a great sport, but I also just want to steal the joy of the, you know, the one thing that gives Jeff joy.

And he's like, I love when you play with me.

And we have a great time.

We go out and it's like, I mean, I, you know, I drink wine and, you know, rip some old sigs and just have a blast in the outdoors.

But I am trying to get better to beat beat him because I do, I need that for my ego.

But you're like sneaky on the competitive.

You're like, oh, I guess I'll play too, Jeff.

Meanwhile, you're like getting sessions in the back.

You're getting full like coaching.

I'm getting three coaches right now.

I have a gal on the LPGA.

Shout out to Maria Fosse, who I send videos to.

And she literally is like, we got to tighten up the swing.

Oh, yeah, I'm getting good.

But Jeff doesn't even know.

So one day you're going to come through.

He's going to hear this and be like, you bitch, you liar.

Okay, so we don't roast our husbands this entire episode.

No, Jeff.

Jeff's the best.

He puts up with my shit.

I was Jeff is the only person who can look at me and be like, sit down, shut the fuck up.

You're being crazy.

And I'm like, yes, sir.

Yes.

Yes.

Daddy.

Yes, papa.

Yes.

I was going to say, give me some, like, talk about some of your favorite things about Jeff, because then we're going to keep roasting that.

Yeah, and then we'll get right back to the roast.

No, Jeff is honestly like, you know, it's interesting if you ever like hang out with other couples and you can tell they're not actually buddies.

Like, Jeff is my buddy.

I mean, yeah, we fuck hard, but like, he is my buddy.

I don't want to hang out with anybody else other than him.

Like, of course, I love hanging out with my friends, but like, we fucking giggle together.

And I think that's.

No, it's what you need.

It's what you need because you're stuck with this person.

No, and it's so true.

Like, I used to cringe online when I would hear people being like, he's my best friend.

Like, no, he is.

Like, Matt is my best friend.

Like, if you're not your friend, what are you doing?

Right, right.

Just don't like say it like that.

Like, you're always being like, he's my best friend.

And we bought our forever home together.

I don't just.

We have natching butterfly tattoos.

Like, I got one wing, he is the other.

Like, okay, then you're it's absolutely headed for a divorce.

Tone it down.

Also, Jeff is, you know, I mean, listen, I'm a comic.

I get up on stage, I rip him a new asshole.

I talk about, you know, personal, intimate things in our life, and he lets me do it.

And not that he like gives me permission, but I said early on, I was like, you know, I need you to be cool with me talking my truth and from my point of view and my perspective.

And he's like, honey, I never, he is so proud of me when I'm on stage.

And seeing him get excited when I'm having a moment, there is no ego in him.

He is never threatened.

He is like, go, let it rip, do your fucking thing.

And that's what makes me horny.

So he's horny on the golf course.

I come off stage and he's like waiting in the wings.

He's like, you fucking crushed.

I'm like, I am ready to sit on your face.

Yes.

I'm getting kind of horny right now.

I know.

We went from anxiety.

I'm a little horny.

I mean, I don't know.

This is a wave of emotions here.

No, it is.

When you start talking about sex on this show, sometimes people are like, oh, I got to leave and go fuck my husband or my fiancé or whoever the fuck.

So enjoy.

You're welcome, Jeff.

You're so successful as a comedian.

Have you always been funny?

Like, talk to me, you as a child.

Like, what was going on?

Is Heather funny?

Yeah.

Well, I, you know, I was a fudgy kid.

I, and that, I was the kid who, like, always had like a quarter pound of fudge in their, in their, uh, uh, backpack.

So yeah, I think I had to be, be funny.

But no, I, I always, you know, I was always in theater and I always knew I wanted to do comedy.

I mean, since I was like six, I was like, I'm going to be, I'm going to tell jokes.

And I, the first time I did stand-up was at my junior prom and I roasted the senior class.

And that was like one of those pivotal moments.

I was always doing theater and I was like, you know, think about how awkward high school is.

Most awkward time of your life.

Right.

I must be a sociopath if I was like, I'm going to go up there and roast the seniors and don't stand up.

Like that could have been social suicide.

We need to pause because

hold on.

You did stand up at your prom.

Uh-huh.

Pause.

Are you at the prom?

Like also with the date?

Yes, I am with a senior who invited me.

So you're in a gown.

I'm in a gown and no one knew.

So yeah, so I pop up literally like from under a table with a microphone.

I'm like, are y'all ready to rock?

Like so embarrassing.

Like we have the video of it and it's just, it's insane.

I have never heard of this.

Like at a prom, there's usually like a band.

No, I was the surprise entertainment.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was insane.

And so I get up and I do like 20 minutes and I remember walking off stage and thinking, oh, fuck, I have to do this forever.

So then I just, I kind of never stopped.

Cause you just knew.

I knew.

Yeah.

But like, were you confident?

Like, you didn't give a fuck what people were going to think about you at school?

I honestly, no.

And I, listen, I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade.

So I also wasn't trying to impress these fuckers anymore.

But no, I think that like, listen, as a comic, if you don't feel like a touch cringy when you're trying out new shit, then you're not doing it right.

Right.

But no, I just, there was nothing, there was no other feeling in my life that I wanted to chase as much as that feeling of making people laugh.

Love.

And I'll tell you another, we're really going to boost Jeff now, but when I, I was living in New York when I met Jeff, we've been together a long time.

And I looked at him one day and I said, listen, I got to go to LA.

I got to follow this.

I got to scratch that itch.

And he was sitting in like a Buka de Beppa or some shit.

And he's like, I love you so much.

And he's like, follow your dreams.

And in that moment, I was like, oh, fuck, I'm going to marry this guy.

Yeah.

We were long distance for like eight years.

Yeah.

What?

I know.

It's it's I have girls call me all the time like Heather, I'm long distance.

It's been like three months with my boyfriend.

I'm like, if you're not thriving in your own zone, and if that person can't handle y'all doing your own thing, then you don't need to be together.

Okay, long distance where you, he stayed in New York and you went to LA.

Yes.

And when I was only in LA for like four or five years, then I moved back to Atlanta after my dad passed and Jeff was finishing like a graduate program in New York.

We were just back and forth.

I mean, we, we just made it work.

Never in a breakup, never a pause.

It was just always me and Jeff Daddy.

Okay, because I'm going to be real, you and Jeff Daddy are defying the odds because I have been the little cunt on my podcast sometimes.

I've been like, I don't know if like long distance is worth it.

I used to say that also in college, mostly because I'm like, enjoying your college is it's also not worth it because if you're in college, you're, you're probably cheating.

Like, let's be honest.

If you're in college right now listening to this with a long distance boyfriend, you're getting cheated on.

Yeah, leave it.

Also, just say, hey, we're going to break up during college and I'll see you when you're working for Goldman Sachs and you're out of here.

Done.

What are we doing?

Done.

Yeah.

I think that was really my vision was like, it's just too hard in college.

However, when you are adults and you can make it long distance work, it's amazing, but that takes very secure people to have trust and to be okay with that long distance.

But like, good for you guys.

He used to come to all my comedy shows.

And this is like when I was in New York and I, you know, performing for 10 people in an audience underneath the Brooklyn Bridge and he'd be in his little suits from his real estate job and he'd sit on the front row and people thought he was my manager.

So we were like, wow, your manager is like really dialed into your career.

And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, I blow that guy.

Stop.

stop.

Honestly, that was probably kind of hot.

You're like, so hot.

You're like looking at him like he's your business manager.

You're like, ooh, we're not supposed to, but we should.

Let's go fucking my car.

100%.

I love that for you guys.

Yeah.

And the Jetta.

I only sold the Jetta about three years ago.

Kind of wish I would have kept it.

Wait, the Jetta was the first car I ever wanted.

And then I just could never get a first car until like I started making my own money.

My parents were like, we're never getting you a car.

So get a job.

And I was like, oh, okay.

But I always wanted a Jetta.

Jetta, shout out to Volkswagen.

They're a great Sponsor us.

Sponsor us.

I would love a new Jeddah.

I'm really, when I sold that car, I was actually sad about it.

It's a cute car.

And I got a sensible.

I didn't go G-Wagon.

I went, you know, hybrid Audi Q5.

Shout out to Audi.

Sponsorship.

I think I want the Cayenne because that was the car

my dad had.

And I really want it.

I was like, that's when I know.

I think I might buy it.

No, that was like, I realized that shit from your childhood really sticks with you.

When I went to a private prep school that like I really couldn't afford, I got like a soccer scholarship for high school.

And I didn't have a car.

And so I'm taking the bus every day.

And these bitches are rolling in with like Maseratis because their daddies are so fucking rich.

And I remember there was this one bitch that had this cool Porsche.

It was the cayenne.

And she had it, like, it was a white one with like black wheels.

And I was like, whenever I get my first paycheck, that's me not working at my smoothie shop job.

Like I'm getting the fucking Porsche.

And the first thing that I bought for myself for a car was the Porsche.

And I'm like, the only reason I still got it was because I think of that girl.

I can't say her.

It's that core memory.

But it's that core memory being like, fucking Michelle has it.

I'm getting it.

I was like, and I'm like, I don't even know if I actually wanted the Porsche.

I was literally just like living out my high school insecurity, being like, I finally got it.

Now I'm like, do I like it?

I actually do.

Sponsor me.

Okay, you went to University of Mississippi.

Oh, yeah.

Hotty toddy.

Can you explain your experience in three words?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Unhinged.

Okay.

Full throttle.

That's two.

That's two gives a fuck.

Okay.

Unhinged.

Mayonnaise.

What?

And

just

elated.

I had the best four years of my life.

Shout out to the University of Mississippi.

I just did a show for them last week, and I loved it.

My college experience was out of this world.

Wow.

Yeah.

Like from freshman year.

From freshman year.

Here's the thing.

I, even being from the South, because I grew up in Atlanta, I didn't know anything about Mississippi.

The reason I ended up at Ole Miss is because it was the only college that went.

You're like, actually, when I got accepted, I was like, fuck.

So you got there and you're like, I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine and do like theater arts.

Like imagine me in Malibu.

No, absolutely not.

So I thought I was going to go to Pepperdine.

It was two weeks before graduation and I didn't get in because I thought I was going to go to their prestigious theater program.

Well, here's the thing.

I was student body president, but a blind cat could have done better on the SATs.

I'm not a scholastic test taking copy.

I'm not either.

On paper, it's rough.

Okay.

So I didn't get in and I was, I remember sitting down with like the college counselor and she's like, there's two schools that have good theater departments and they still are taking applicants.

It was Alabama and Ole Miss.

I swear to God, out my hand on the Bible.

I visited Alabama.

I'm in Tuscaloosa.

I'm at like the Sigma Chi house.

I watched a man snort cocaine off a chicken tender.

And I said, I called my daddy and I said, I'm going to Ole Miss.

Like, I like to party, but this is, this is another world.

This is some next level shit.

So I showed up in Oxford, Mississippi.

I didn't know anybody.

I did the sorority rush.

I had the time of my life.

I don't know how I got into a good sorority.

Like all of the things, it just clicked.

And I, and I, we own a home there now.

I bought a house in Auckland.

You did?

I go back all the time.

I love it.

Hold on.

Cocaine on a chicken finger?

Yeah, it was a lot.

It was, and you know, in the South, we got juicy Tinders.

It's not like a light, it's not like a, like a, it's not a slim Tinder.

It's a thick boy.

It's a thick boy.

And I just remember going, I don't know if I'm going to.

That's some real shit.

No, I love that your honesty is like, I love Old Miss.

Like it was my, it's the only place I got accepted.

But like, who cares?

You end up, and that's, I think, a great note for anyone that's in high school school listening god maybe there are people that listen in high school there are you'd be surprised you guys like it really doesn't matter where the fuck you go it does not matter and you'll find your spot like i remember being so devastated thinking okay i'm not gonna be this like you know shakespearean actor what is going on and i ended up like it's the it's the greatest joy of my life and also i would not have met my husband because my best friend tina who works with me and helps me run my production company she was from new york so this bitch flies down we're both in the theater department i'm like where the fuck are you from she's like where the fuck are you from and she's the one who introduced me to my husband.

So I had to go all the way to Mississippi to find a Yankee.

It's, oh my God, it's so meant to be.

Also, you mentioned sorority life.

Uh-huh.

I played soccer, so I didn't, I still to this day don't fully understand sorority life.

And I feel like what I'm seeing on TikTok may not be the exact representation of what it maybe used to be.

Cause now bitches are like synchronized dancing and stuff, which maybe it was back then.

But let me know.

Can you walk me through?

It is really wild.

I get asked this a lot about what my sorority life experience was like.

I do think you're right.

Social media has completely changed the game.

I mean, when I went to college, I hate to date myself, but it was the first year that Facebook came out.

So, you know, I didn't have to worry about somebody looking at my online profile.

I just showed up in a Lily Pulitzer skirt and was like, y'all ready to fucking do this or what?

I was pledged class president.

I was bid day chair.

I had the best time.

And also, like, I see girls online that talk about hazing.

No one hazed my ass.

I showed up to the Delta Gamma house at the University of Mississippi.

I had a monogram pillow with my name on it and a new, you know, bottle of

like barefoot white wine.

I had the time of my life, but also I'm 5'10.

You don't really haze them.

You don't

margin in charge.

No, I would stop.

I was gonna fucking say, like, I feel like what I'm watching on on TikTok right now is like, first of all, the dorm situation.

How are they, like, I showed up with the Jansport backpack and I had like a duffel bag and I like threw shit in that I like bought off of eBay.

I don't know what you got, like a bed, bath, and beyond.

I had a bed and a bag.

That's what you did.

I called my roommate who I had never met before and I said, what color scheme are we going with?

We did lime green, hot pink and black.

And literally,

you got the comforter, the one sheet.

You only had one set of sheets.

That's it.

And you're changing your sheet.

That's it.

And then I got, I remember like when the first day of school started, they had those like poster sales and I got like channing Tatum on one wall.

Of course.

And then I got like hot girls' asses because I was like, this will really, like, the guys will think we're cool for this.

I love this.

Exactly.

I'm hot if they see hot girls on my wall because that makes sense.

That makes so much sense.

Yeah.

So I don't understand when they're like, let's let's do a transformation and they do the click and it goes from like a dreary dorm room to immediately, it's like, you look like you're in a fucking palace.

I have a sorority sister who, that's her job now.

She runs, has a whole business where she redoes the olemas dorm rooms.

Wow.

They have like antiques in the room.

They're built.

I mean, I had literally like three, those stacked from plastic bins that you that you get at like staples.

I didn't even go to a container store.

I went to like Office Max and I put my thongs in there and like a bottle of like bourbon that was rolling around in the back.

Like nothing about my room.

I had a desktop, Alex.

I didn't even have a laptop.

My dad ran an IT company and he was so afraid that somebody was going to like steal my identity.

And finally I called him.

I was like, dad, I got to get a laptop.

Like I can't be the person lugging the desktop on a dolly all the way up to the library.

Like what the fuck are we doing here?

What is happening?

Yeah.

I was also a theater major, so I didn't really need, you know, a computer, but

still the point is, is like it was, it is different right now.

And I do believe some of the bitches on TikTok are really going above and beyond for social media like if you're someone at college right now that is literally just bringing your PB teen sheets and you got a book bag and that's all you

got pottery barn teen.

Oh my god.

That was luxe.

That was the shit.

Do you remember when jersey sheet like jersey sheets came out and it felt like you were rolling around on a pair of Levi jeans really actually not comfortable and not sweat wicking?

I remember my mom is like a give send me the jersey pottery barn teen sheets and I was like in flames when I woke up.

I thought I had the flu.

So So fucking odd.

I remember I got like these dark gray ones.

Yeah.

And the first time a guy came on my sheets, and I only had again one fucking pair.

So I was just looking at that shit like, damn, I'm fucked.

And I just left it there.

I was like, I'm a credit card later on after the come had dried and you were like trying to scrape it off.

You were like, we'll just get that off at the end.

It's fucking disgusting.

Anyways, okay, so you were rushing.

You got into your shorty.

Can you like tell me, like, do you remember like your chance?

Do I remember my chance?

I thought you would never ask.

So interesting enough, so I went to the home chapter.

Delta Gamma was founded at the University of Mississippi.

It was a big deal that they led a woman not from Mississippi into the sorority.

I don't know who wrote me a rec, but they saw my ass coming and they said, she's got potential.

Damn.

Yeah.

So I, it was funny during Rush.

So we used to do this thing called a door song.

Okay.

And you might have seen it on Bama TikTok.

Now they banned it.

But like, so somebody comes and knocks on the door.

Okay.

The door opens and like 200 girls hit the deck.

I was always on the bottom because I was beefy.

So I'd be on the bottom of this door holding up the weight of my story sisters on me and we'd be like, D, E, L, T, A, Delta, D, E, L, T, A, and do this whole thing.

And then what would happen is everybody would get off the dog pile and run out and grab a girl who's rushing.

So you're like running through the lawn being like, Emily, Emily, where are you?

And you had to pretend like you didn't know who they were, but you had like had giant cards.

I mean, you're studying them.

And then you're like looking around like, I can't see her.

And then this little girl, Emily, pops out out of the bush.

She's like, it's me.

And then we would run them through the DG house.

And of course, since I was on the bottom, I was like breathless.

So by the time I got up, I would literally be like, where's Emily?

Emily from Jackson, Mississippi.

Are you here?

They're like,

all your makeup is gone.

You're drenched.

I am so moist.

It's like, it's not helping.

Your back is blown out.

It's awful.

You have nothing left to get.

I have nothing left.

Then you crowd them in this room, this chapter room.

And, you know, we're like sitting at them, like breathing hot fire breath on them, just being like trying to get them to cry to be like, do you want to be here?

This is the greatest day of my life.

I ate it up, though.

I had the time of my life.

Oh, my God.

What do you think you loved about it?

Because it's a little culty, no?

It is, but.

I really just met all my best friends there.

And again, there was not hazing.

So when I see girls that had like a really, like if they ever lined us up and like circled our fat, I would have been like, I win.

I get it.

Just y'all go home.

I'm the fattest one.

I put on 45 pounds my freshman year.

Like, just y'all go home.

Right.

I, it was a lot of, I mean, we did like philanthropy work.

We had raging parties.

It really was not toxic.

I'm sure a couple bitches, you know, I mean, we fought a couple times, but I was also kind of the black sheep.

Like, I was always sent to standards because I was smoking cigarettes, standing up.

That's, that was a weird rule.

If it, you know, if you want to smoke a cigarette, if you want to rip a heater, you got to sit down.

Cross your legs.

Wait, what?

Yeah, because you got to look ladylike.

Oh my God, dude.

You can smoke cigs, but you just have to do it.

You just have to sit down.

So if I was standing up, I couldn't, but if I was sitting down having a cigarette,

that's kosher, you know?

Do you still to this day sit down or do you stand up?

I only have,

I hope my life insurance policy doesn't hear about this.

I love a, I'm kidding, hypothetically, allegedly, I love just a sig when I'm in Italy.

It's my vacation sig, but I'm not a smoker.

Okay.

Contrary to popular belief, people hear my voice.

I'm not a smoker.

You've got a great voice.

But can I also say to this younger generation, I really get concerned about, I was at the college bar the other day, and we have a bar in our town called the library.

Oh, cool.

So when my dad would see my, all my charges, he called me one day and he's like, god damn it, Heather, return your fucking books to the library.

This is insane.

He didn't know it was a bar.

Oh, yeah, it's my favorite bar in the bar.

But, um, but literally, I see these kids like everybody's ripping the vape and they're all passing it around.

And I turn to a young man in the bar and I go, honey, this is how you get mono or cold sores.

I don't know what we're doing here, but y'all all need to just have your own vape.

I'm

Heather.

No, no, I thought you were going to say something completely different.

What do you think you're supposed to say?

This is how you're going to get lung cancer.

Oh, you're going to fuck up.

No, no, no.

I'm worried about Epstein-Barr virus.

I am not worried about their lungs, okay?

Come on now.

I don't have time for that.

Instead of being like, you don't, you shouldn't have them, you're like, just each of you get your own.

Back up.

I'm like, this is why you guys are all going to have strep throats.

Get your own.

Put your life together.

Daddy Gang, stop jeweling.

Stop jeweling.

We're done um okay i know you refer to yourself as the elder millennial is that that's true right well yeah i mean i i am uh i'm you know 30 you're a young woman be a thank you

i am young youthful you're very young thank you i want to talk about some of the millennial trends okay and i want to hear your take is do you think we should bring them back or how do you feel about them in general i'm so excited for this side parts Oh, let me tell you, there is nothing more dramatic, more old Hollywood glam than a side part.

I was actually in my sorority house the other day and I found my old composite photo.

It was such a deep side part.

It started at the base of my jaw.

Okay.

It was just a thin comb over.

I had no eyebrows.

But

I think the middle part, like I'm fighting for my life right now.

I have an intense cow lick.

And if you knew the amount of time, effort, and orbay, dry texture spray that is holding me together.

Wait, because which way do we go?

Which way does your hair usually go?

Actually, it should go this way.

So it wants to be comb over.

It wants to go full Donald Trump.

Yes.

It really does.

I love a deep side part.

You know, obviously,

you know, if you do the deep side part and we do the stick straight, like the cheese straightener, it's not a good look.

It's really not a good look.

And I feel like, depending on what phase you're at in your life, like when I look back at pictures of myself as a young girl,

I was objectively not.

I wasn't like the cutest.

Okay.

I really,

it really wasn't.

It wasn't.

I didn't know that, though.

No one pulled me aside and said, let's blend a smoky eye.

Let's draw in our eyebrows.

Let's maybe go for a, a leisurely walk so we can get some steps in.

I was deep, deep throating like, you know, hot pockets, chugging bourbon.

I had not a care in the world.

But you were happy.

I was, I've never been happier.

Now I'm getting everything I want.

And I'm like, God, this fucking sucks.

You're like, I want to go back to the good old days.

Yeah.

But it's true that like when you don't have the eye for it, I guess I can say when I look back at pictures of myself, there is a difference between a side part and the comb over.

And when you do the comb over and you're not going for Hollywood glam, like you're not going to an event and you're just looking for the side part, it can really look busted.

So I think, I think you're right.

It depends on what you're doing with it.

But I would say the side part is usually a flop.

Okay.

All right.

You know what?

Fair enough.

But you also have a perfect straight line through your head.

So I just think that you need to be a little more inclusive to the Cowlick community.

No, that's all I'm saying.

You want to hear something crazy?

What?

I have a fucking Cowlick.

Where?

Yeah, exactly.

The amount of time that I spent

pushing, pushing, moving.

Gel starts at 7 a.m., bitch, and it's fucking almost two o'clock in the afternoon.

This sit was, it was sitting, setting, melting, pressing.

And the little clips and the clips.

I'll go to an event.

I'll be about to walk the red carpet and I'm like, take the clips out.

Remove the clips.

Last minute, always.

The amount of gel and like shit that I had to get to this point.

And I sleep with it sometimes like that.

Wow.

Yeah.

I'm dedicated.

Physiopath.

I love it.

It's the trauma from childhood where I like look back at those curvatures that I was putting over my fucking.

It looked so fucking bad that I am straight part and I will never deter.

Have you ever had side bangs?

No.

Well, I did go through a little bit of an emo phase.

I was always, yeah.

But I would be at the like the band's warp tour in like junior high and I would always be in like a full Hollister outfit and a Puka Shell necklace.

I still dress like Dave Matthews band-esque, but I was at Cussing, you know, something corporate, Simple Plan, or one of those bands.

Stop.

I feel like we would have been friends.

Like, I was, I went through such an emote phase, and I would do the colorful, like, skinny jeans with like a band t-shirt.

I was obsessed with Simple Plan, Blink Winnity 2.

Then I went into all-time low.

I had all these different, like, I was obsessed with Avril Levine.

I wanted to be her.

Oh, Avril Levine is, I remember being like a, you know, a chubby sixth grader, and I'd come home and I'd put her CD in.

I like, I, because, you know, we, we, we had a little money, so I had this six-disc changer, and I would just literally be like, I'm fitting in the sun, yes, sitting in the sun, it's just like

rage out.

My mom would be like, this one.

I was naturally, I would think, like, happy.

Like, I didn't want to be emo, but I loved the concept of being emo.

We're just dramatic.

Yeah, we're dramatic.

Yes, we're a little dramatic.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

That's annoying.

Um, okay, how do you feel about tall Uggs?

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Oh, God.

Okay.

Well, here's my thing.

My best feature on my body is my thin ankle.

Okay.

I never, I mean, look at that.

Have you ever seen a nice, more developed, thinner ankle?

That is a very, it's a very nice ankle thing.

Because it gets thin.

It's very thin.

And I also have nice toe cleavage.

I've been told from the toe, the foot fetish community that my foot, while very wide, in a shoe, the top of my toes is apparently very sensual.

Really?

Have you ever thought about making a couple bucks?

I have, but I did see that one person left me a bad review on WikiFeats, and it's knocked my rating down to like a 3.5.

Very upset.

You're not actually on WikiFeets, are you?

What the fuck?

I didn't know it was a thing.

And somebody at one of my shows was like, hey, by the way, I just want you to know, like, your rating went down on Wikifeets.

I was like, what the fuck is WikiFeets?

Dude, Heather, I'm not kidding you.

I'm convinced that almost every single man in the world has a foot fetish.

You know, here's the thing.

It's not hurtful.

No, it's not hurtful.

It's just,

I would do OnlyFans in a heartbeat if dudes want to send me money to look at my little piggies.

Dude, you're fantastic.

And it's just, it's natural too.

It's natural.

It's either you got it or you don't.

No one's getting like foot implants.

No one's getting like really fake.

It's you got it or you don't.

And if you got it, flaunt it.

I would like to say, because you have such a huge international platform, I, you know, big Nike fan, but I've got a wide, wide, girthy foot.

And if you guys could send me some pairs cut in a wide, that would be fantastic.

I go online and the only pair that's in an extra wide is an orthotic.

So please, for the love of God, make a wide in an Air Force One.

Okay.

No.

I had to take that opportunity.

I could have said something to like find peace in the Middle East, but instead I'm like, can I get a custom Nike in a wide?

Because my toes are falling asleep.

Nara, they're literally coming on here and be like, what other brand deals did I want to get out of this episode?

Yes.

What are we getting?

We're getting a Porsche.

We're getting a Jeddah.

Jeddah.

An Audi.

Audi.

And free shoes for life.

And Orbay.

And Uggs.

And Uggs.

Okay.

Thank you.

Back to the Uggs.

Okay, so the Uggs.

I'm going to tell you, I'm having a lot of fun.

I'm having a lot of fun with you, too.

Okay, back to the Uggs.

Okay, here's the thing.

To be fair, sometimes it's also hard to podcast with people that, like, my favorite podcasting usually is when people podcast for a living because like you know how to how to do it.

So thank you.

Thank you for showing up today.

Okay, tall Uggs.

Okay, tall Uggs.

I don't like a sweaty calf.

Okay.

You know, I would wear them.

I went to a Christian school, so we had to wear the uniforms.

And in the winter, that was a thing.

You wore the tall Ugg.

You could wear them with your uniform.

We could wear them.

We didn't.

I didn't wear like Mary Jane's or anything.

I'd wear a tall Ugg with my little like Catholic schoolgirl uniform.

And I just remember huffing it, you know, through the parking lot, just like, these are fucking hot.

Sweet.

Did you have boys at your school we did what the fuck heather i went to an i went to a full co-ed um k through eight i was like in catholic school and i had to wear the plaid skirt and i used to have to say this to like my boyfriends i'm like i know it sounds hot like i was fucking hideous and it's not a sexual fantasy okay now i'd look hot in it but back then it was like to the knee and if not they'd slap you with the fucking ruler like literally old school and then we had to have the thigh highs they weren't thigh highs they went to the knee and they were the big socks with the mary jane shoe jane and then they changed to saddle shoes at one point which was like like the black and the white shoe and then we had the collared shirts that wasn't hot the whole uniform we could wear the socks but we in the winter they would allow us to wear the ups okay and then eventually they got pants because i think i like walked into the principal's office and said i'm fucking freezing okay and i'm a heavy set so if i'm cold imagine what these thin bitches are feeling this is unbelievable we have rights we do have rights fuck you

um okay

Soul Cycle.

Oh, well, that's a little triggering.

And you should have warned me that you were going to bring that up on such a trigger warning.

I worked at Soul Cycle.

Okay, in West Hollywood, around the corner.

Yeah.

What?

When I moved to LA, I needed a part-time job.

Okay.

And I couldn't get a job at a restaurant, which was really weird because I had worked at some of like the best restaurants in New York.

I had this crazy, you know, Michelin star experience and I could not get a job working as a bartender, even like a hostess in LA.

Why do you think?

Because I wasn't a porn star.

That's why.

I wore a sensible, supportive bra to work.

I would show up to these like interviews with this insane New York resume and they were like, but are your nips hard?

You know, I was like, I can make them hard.

Give me 10 seconds.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, I mean, I would go and I would think that I was going for like a nice, you know, like

an interview at Spago and they were like, actually, we have a nightclub and we were wondering if you want to be a promoter.

I'm like, I'm 23 years old.

I should not be roaming the streets of Los Angeles trying to get people to come to your nightclub.

That's annoying.

So I ended up at Soul Cycle and I remember my interview.

I was interviewing to be on the front desk, but I said, because I wanted to let them think that like I was here for the long home.

Of course.

I remember saying, like, obviously I'd start with the front desk.

And I understand you have to work your way up, but my goal is to eventually be an instructor.

No.

And the girl interviewing me was just like, yeah, we're good.

Nothing about you says like, you know, star of the fitness community.

But I actually had a great time.

Soul Cycle was so fun.

I met my best friends, my buddy Raymond.

Shout out to Ray.

He's still one of my best friends.

We used to get in trouble because we would work at the front desk and be like, you know, gravely hungover.

Of course.

And I'd be eating like a Chipotle burrito bowl and a Diet Dr.

Pepper.

And finally, my manager said, Heather, this is like a fitness studio.

People don't, celebrities don't want to come in and work out when you're like dry heaving over a Barbacoa bowl.

Get your shit together.

No.

Yeah.

I kind of love that for you.

You're like, you know what, though?

Like, this is me and this is who I'm going to be.

And I'm only at the front desk.

So like that, you can go back there and fucking work out.

I'm sorry, Heather, I've gone on one of the bikes before.

Yeah.

When I was working this ad sales job, they were like, team bonding, let's go across the street and like during lunchtime, go on the fucking soul cycle bikes.

It's hussy throbbed.

Yeah, it's not great.

It's not like a good horseback riding where you're like, I'm getting a little turned on.

It's rubbing my clit in the right way.

This is like physical pain.

No, this is where your urethra is just ripped off.

Like you have road rash, but it's on your pee hole.

I'm getting like bruises.

And then like you go to sleep that night and you can feel like your pelvis area like pulsating, not in a sexual way.

But then actually once you do it two or three times, then you're in it.

But see, I knew how to work the system there.

I would, you know, all these big celebs would come in and I would slip my little business card that I made on like Vistaprint.

Okay.

I'd have my head shot on it.

And I would slide it into their like bags.

And I'd be like, if you ever need an assistant, if you ever need somebody to open for you on the road, please ask me.

Oh my God.

It's so funny.

I did that to Whitney Cummings and I must have given her 10 business cards.

She never once called me and then we're buds now.

And I literally was like, Whitney, I need you to just know that I used to drop my business card.

I mean, this was 10 years ago.

You're like, Whitney, I was either down to be your assistant or open for you.

And I did neither.

So fuck you, but I also.

Fuck you, but now I'm a guest on your podcast.

It was amazing.

I loved it.

So we love Soul Cycle.

Okay, skinny jeans.

Oh, again, I am pro skinny jean because I do want to flex my best asset.

But

I mean, God, that for me, you know, you said your crotch here during Soul Cycle.

I always had a yeast or a UTI from a skinny jean.

It just was so tight, right in the grundle.

It can't be worse than jean shorts, though.

Oh, I don't fuck with jean shorts.

You don't?

No, what are we doing here?

I don't.

know what absolutely not i'm no with the jean short

i'm pushing 40.

i need to be in a jean short get out of here we are so are you just

what are we doing here i also do of course i wear jean shorts um you do i think i do are you lying no i i is that the first time you've lied on this podcast say are you it is i here can i tell you i'm in a i'm in a tough spot i put on a little weight and i had all these jean shorts that i bought from zara and i just i tried them on the other day and i was like it's it's a no-go so i'm just very bitter about that no no no and i get it like jean shorts you have to be really like you have to be tan you need to feel good yeah it needs to be the perfect thing or just a short dress that's flowy is always a great go-to like i'm always like oh i can like relax here but jean shorts are like yeah they're kind of the i'm a baby doll dress kind of gal and i know this had a moment on tick tock but i've got giant jugs and i like a little i like to just sit right here titties under my neck are they real they're real yeah oh yeah and i'll tell you what i got perfect nips really Really?

For a large breast, I got a really nice breast to aerial leratia.

Fuck.

Yeah, that's my one.

That's my best.

You have so much good shit.

Fuck you.

You're like, let me show you my thin little ankle.

Also, perfect fucking nibs.

I've literally come in here and been like, I had a great sorority.

My husband is fantastic.

Life is great.

Now, I haven't shit today, and I do have anxiety.

But other than that, I'm thriving.

No, but I, I mean, listen.

Great tits.

I am always now, especially, you know, being in the spotlight, I pick apart myself all the time.

No, it's nice to like be like, yeah, I fucking like something about myself.

And you know what?

They're not where they used to be.

I definitely would love a lift, but they are, the areola is nice.

I'm fucking jealous and I'm already picturing it.

Like, I'm thinking of it sexually.

Your husband is lucky moving on.

Super thin eyebrows.

Oh, no, those

they should never come back.

Okay, but what's worse?

The like giant.

I mean, mine are looking a little big today.

I mean, mine are thick too.

I'd rather more than less.

Really?

Because you can always pull a friend aside, take them to, you know, a coffee bean and just say, hey, what are we doing?

You know, this comes from love.

Where we can peel it back.

Yeah.

But you can never.

But the amount of growth serum, castor oil, you know, and all the eyelash serums apparently make you go blind and they ruin the collagen underneath the eyes.

Wait, what?

Oh, yeah.

That's a whole thing now.

Yeah.

Apparently we've been using all the lash serums and they apparently dissolve all the fat underneath your eyes.

And I think perfect.

I mean, you know, maybe I should start rubbing this all over my body.

But no, thin eyebrows should never come back.

That is a crime against humanity.

It should be outlawed.

You should have to do hard time.

If you're over plucking, you need to get your life.

But then like, it's so unfair because I look at Pamela Anderson and like in my twisted mind, I'm like, God, I wish I could pull that off.

No one can pull it off but her.

But her.

And just let her have it and move on.

I really, I suffered.

And I think because you said earlier, you didn't have eyebrows.

I growing up had, I had the hair.

I had nothing to show for the hair because like if you saw me in in the right lighting, you'd see like what looked like a unibrow and it's like all just peach fuzz.

I finally dyed them when I was in high school and I had never felt better in my life.

I was like, oh my god, my five head is gone.

I've got the angles.

It looks good.

But then I just kept building on it.

And I feel like I really took it to a level where I see pictures of myself in the freshman year of college.

It's bad.

They got too much.

They were black.

Yeah.

We definitely over dyed for a long time.

And they were cinder blocks.

I always had thick, natural bushy brows, but I would go to the nail salon and you know, they would just like hold you down in the back.

I never went to like an eyebrow specialist.

Oh my god.

I'm like, I'm getting a fresh gel set and I'm getting my eyebrows done in the back.

And I came out one day and the tips were gone.

I mean, they ran away with them.

And then, you know, how long it takes to grow that shit back?

Oh, you're fucked.

You're fucked.

So my entire college career, I have my deep side part.

I'm in a pair of gaucho pants.

I'm in a halter top.

My, you know, perfect nipples are hanging out.

I put on 45 pounds and I got no brows and I didn't blend a smoky eye.

I mean, I've really come a long way.

Picturing you smoking a fucking sig with a sig and a nice, you know, Jessica Simpson wedge.

Oh.

Gauchos.

Gauchos.

Yeah.

Oh, that was good.

God, they were good.

Gauchos were great.

And then if you wanted to hook up with somebody, I'm kind of in a gaucho now.

You didn't even have to take them off.

They could just slide a hand up there and just finger you, you know?

And that was, that was fun.

The width was impeccable.

I think we should maybe bring gauchos back.

I think we should.

I know people are trying to do do the barrel jean and I'm not

you know what you can't do is finger somebody in a barrel jean you can't even get half a fist up there

also who wants to finger somebody in a barrel jean if I see a bitch coming down the street in a barrel jean I'm like I'm not attracted no it's not no it's not the look gals that's what we need to the barrel jeans are out but don't you think that is where that that's a definition of women dressing for women where they like the girls will think these are cute I don't know though well as a full woman just you know, right now here in the bush, I say no, don't fucking do it.

Let's get rid of it.

Bring the gout shows back.

Buy to the barrel.

Yeah.

Okay.

This is controversial because I'm staring at your ankle, and I guess

this goes against everything that we've talked about today about this one body part that's really a highlight for you.

Ankle socks, I don't know if you realize, are

they're currently out.

What do you, oh, ankle?

Oh, but what do you have?

These are

is that not an ankle sock?

No.

Ankle socks is where you're showing your fucking ankle.

Okay, but I have a no-show.

I thought that was a no-show.

Oh, you're going to say you have no socks.

Get out.

You stinking.

I had a wide fucking foot.

If you think I'm letting these cheddar blocks just marinate in here, I'm not trying to bake a casserole, okay?

Again, Nike, I'd like a wide.

Okay, wait.

So I thought that was a crew sock.

So this is whatever the fuck you want to call it, but this is not an ankle sock.

This is that like Haley Bieber.

Yeah, like Princess Diana.

Yeah, trendy.

And I did not know that I was, I feel, no, I feel attached.

No, the problem is this would cover your, one of your best assets, yeah.

Um, but I will say, I, I, my husband, one of his favorite looks is the look you have on right now.

He likes the bike short, the oversized sweatshirt, and I'll do the, you know, the scrunch socks.

Oh, you will.

I will scrunch the socks because your outfit right now, you wouldn't technically look at you.

I know now I'm like, I don't, I don't know what to do.

Like, can I get, like, can I sit like this?

I don't know what to do.

Okay, well, can

You love me.

It's getting hot in here.

I'm so sorry.

I'm just adjusting.

I started this fucking podcast saying to you, I was breathing and now it's fucking hot.

Can someone turn on the air?

Okay, let's talk about, obviously, you mentioned your family went through a hard time.

You lost your dad.

And so that kind of like...

Thanks for bringing that.

No, I know.

I'm your father, sweetie.

Yes, dad.

R.I.P.

We love you, Kyle.

Yeah, we love you, Kyle.

You moved in with your mom.

Yes.

And you moved in with Jeff, with your mom.

And at this point, you weren't married, right?

You're engaged?

So, okay.

Backtrack.

When my dad died, I was living in LA.

I picked up my shit.

I moved home.

Okay.

And then I moved at some point up to New York.

But then when the pandemic hit, Jeff and I moved from New York back to Atlanta and I'm living in my childhood home.

So Jeff and I are, and we haven't moved out.

Like, like we are, we are still threes company.

Why?

Great question.

Because I talked to my financial advisor the other day and he's like, Heather, you're living pretty cheaply.

You could, you could move on.

I don't know why.

I think,

I mean, listen, I adore my mom.

She's my buddy.

I constantly think like the thought of her sitting at home alone on a Friday night hits me in a deep way that like it just gets me like chills down my spine.

I don't know.

It's not normal.

My husband loves it because he gets treated like a king.

You know, I'm the one who can't, I'm the one who gets yelled at.

Wait, I was going to say, walk me through this.

So it's you, your husband, your mom.

And it's like a normal day.

Are you guys able to like slightly, like, what's the room setup?

Like, where is where?

Like, so you would think that I'd be in like the primary bedroom.

I am not.

We just blew out a couple closets, so we built like another primary.

My mom is still in the main bedroom.

Oh, yeah, I'm in my childhood bedroom that we like blew out two closets to expand.

And you know, it's funny, somebody asked me the other day, they're like, What's the wildest like place you've ever had sex?

I'm like, Where I currently have sex in my home with my mom down the hall, who sometimes will chime in and be like, Jeff, I can tell from that sound, she doesn't like it.

No, no,

no.

had you ever had sex in your childhood room or like even gotten fingered or felt up where you were allowed to go in there oh oh no i was allowed to have boys in there but i also you know i don't think a lot of guys called

ever

no i'm cute come on um no i it is funny being back in my childhood home but you know my husband my mom adores him and he just gets treated like a king where It is funny being back at my house because my mom, even though like I'm running the ruse and like make money and pay for everything, she'll throw shit in a basket.

Okay.

I don't know if your parents did this growing up.

Like my mom, I'll walk in the door from being on tour.

Heather, you got 14 things you need to carry.

It's all in your basket.

I opened all your mail.

Your taxes are due tomorrow.

You know you've got some money in your bank account.

And I'm like, quit going through my shit.

Doesn't matter that I'm an adult.

She still treats me like I'm 13 years old.

I kind of love it, though.

Yeah.

It's kind of cozy.

It is so cozy.

I mean, it's insane.

But my mom is, you know, my mom and dad were each other's truly loves of their life.

And my mom was 11 years older than my late dad.

Oh.

Original cougar.

Oh, yeah.

So, my mom, it's been wild trying to watch her date now, and she's been bamboozled on like these dating apps multiple times.

It's like she thinks she's talking to an architect from New York.

Of course.

He's, you know, somewhere in another country, and he's trying to steal all her social security number.

So, really, I have to live with my mom because it's Fort Knox.

She's just trying to get, you know, a little dick on the side.

And I'm not going to have an inheritance because some guy

on the other side of the world is stealing all of the funds.

Oh, my God.

It's bad.

Oh my fucking God.

And my mom's great and she's kind of at this point.

She's 76, doesn't look a day over 40.

My mom's hot.

Perky titties, like tiny, she's spunky.

She travels.

And I keep trying to, you know, I ask my audience all the time, I'm like, anybody got a rich uncle or a great dad who...

My mom doesn't want to get married again.

She just wants to travel.

She wants to feel something with a guy.

She wants to try something.

Yeah.

And she's like, Heather, I'm not dead yet.

I'd still like to be intimate.

I said, you get up on that horse and ride, girl.

Fuck.

That's so incredible.

And I actually agree.

Like, the thought of a parent being alone as you're getting older makes me want to start crying.

So, I think you're like a lovely human being for do that.

But, like, are you guys caring at all?

So, you're not caring when you're having sex that your mom's going to hear you.

No, but I do, I have much better sex when I'm on the road and I'm in a four seasons.

And we kind of feel bad.

Like, the parents got away.

And it is funny.

We do call my mom the toddler because when we like go to dinner with her, she sits in the back seat and she watches her iPad and she's giggling to her YouTubes.

You know.

And Jeff gets along with her.

Jeff gets along with with her.

I mean, listen, he is so patient, but Jeff is, my mom's from up north and my husband's from up north.

So they kind of like had their own banter.

And I'm just sitting on the porch drinking an ass tea going, I do declare, why are y'all yelling in this house?

I'm obsessed with that.

I also just think, like, the fact is, as a comedian, like, it's a really good dynamic.

It works.

It works.

It's working.

It's working.

That's, I'm like, I'm not going to be able to do it.

Now, I would like a little bit more money because if I could expand, if we could upgrade, we need, I would like a big chateau with like a guest house.

So I at at least get to be in my own four walls without Robin barking down my throat.

But, you know, we're putting that on the vision board.

Something,

something that you talk about in your stand-up special that had me cackling.

Well, two things.

We have to talk about two things.

One is blowjobs because love them and hate them.

Sweetie.

Sweetie.

Sweetie.

The way that you described heading downtown to the wiener

and seeing the wiener hole and The wiener hole and approaching it.

There is a goofy ass hole down there.

It is.

Yeah.

The wiener hole.

But it works if you like swirl your tongue in there a little.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's a little.

If you don't get in that little hole, then they're not getting in yours.

And we all know this.

Give them a little surprise to talk.

But I never try and go over the other hole.

You know what I mean?

I'm like, that is, you do, you.

You know, when you're married, at least, you know, when your spouse has diarrhea.

It's every 30 minutes, just like your sweet dog.

So it's like when people are like, oh, you know, like eating butt.

I'm like, no, Jeff had, you know, jalapeno poppers at TGI Fridays on a golf outing and he's been bitching about it all day.

No, I don't want to lick his butthole.

He's already know it's fucked when you do.

Like I have never like been opposed and I know that's like bad of me to say, but like I'm in the blowjob and it's the accessory to a blowjob moment.

Yeah.

But you know in between that little gooch.

I mean,

I'll tickle the gooch.

I'm in the gooch.

I am hitting the taint.

I slap it around a little bit.

I take the dick, just hit me on both sides like I'm doing a little, you know, get ready with me.

I mean, I'm doing the layers of blush, Patrick Taub, a whole works.

But I'll tell you right now, I'm not getting, I'm not going for the bath.

What I love about it.

Unless he is rinsed out in the yard.

No, that's what's crazy is if, like, I've had guys before be like, go down there, go down there.

And I'm just like rubbing it because I'm like, I can smell it through the tunnel.

It's

the waterfall.

It's wafting.

It's wafting towards my nostrils, and I'm uninterested in the the fecal matter.

I got a long nail.

You just tickle, you take the skin, you roll it around a little bit.

Because it's also not lost on me.

If I go down there and then I go to the wiener and then he puts it in, your shit is in my fucking V.

And I'm heading to the hospital.

Thank you.

That's happened before to me.

And you know what we're trying not to do?

Have a repeat.

Yeah.

Okay, so.

Yeah, we get back to blowjacks.

What I do appreciate you doing, and I could feel the energy in the stadium when you were saying this.

It was a stadium.

It was a theater, but yes, I am also playing stadium.

She's in a stadium.

it was a stadium it was a fucking stadium is you talking to men and just being like you say it better but like not really thinking about the dick while you're on the dick the last thing i have ever thought about while i have a dick in my mouth is that dick in my mouth I am thinking about the drama that is going on in the next door app.

I am thinking about, you know, the rogue raccoon I possibly may have run over in the Audi Q5 hybrid.

Wait, are you deep in the next door app?

It's insane.

Do I need to to get on that?

No, don't.

You don't have time.

I mean, you're like, you're not running an empire, but you're running like a shempire.

Okay.

No, I love it.

I'm in a group chat with all the ladies of my neighborhood.

And when I tell you, it is so fun.

We had a car burglary like two weeks ago.

If you give a pack of women, and I do say pack of women because we are like wild wolves.

We are.

If you give a pack of women in a suburban community two clues, they have already found the perpetrator.

They found who's linked to.

We have taken down a full cartel.

So I just want to say, fuck the FBI.

Little white suburban women and we are off to the races.

Not Karens.

We are more Sharons.

You know?

I am like not kidding you.

I've heard people talk about this and I think I, even if I'm just on the periphery and want to read about, like read in on my community, I'd kind of like to get in there because I like dumb shit drama that kind of has nothing to do with me.

Unless I guess they're saying that there's like a murderer in our neighborhood.

It's so refreshing.

If you're like, I can be on the periphery and just kind of like chime in every now and then.

Fantastic.

But yes, if there's a there's a murderer in my bushes please let me know have you heard of stalker you know what no but like not yet bitch challenge accepted

no i've had one person that has

lightly kicked it up a notch

that

it could be equivalent to like getting a little stalker but i've done a pretty good job at really like putting things to an end when it gets a little out of control but someone's kicked it up a notch recently and matt's handling it i like that.

Jeff.

You?

My husband runs his own meet and greets at my shows by the bar.

So, you know, because I have a ton of gals that come to the shows and he's in the corner just being like, oh, did you want to get a photo?

And I'm like, Jeff, she's fucking nuts.

I told you about her.

Socker.

That's Carol Ann.

Run away.

Yeah, he loves that.

Do you have a soccer?

No, but I did have a woman break into my backstage once.

Oh.

Yeah, but it was my fault because I had given the security guards a couple of Chick-fil-A party platters.

So they were just raw dogging some nuggets.

Meanwhile, I'm back there completely out in the nude because I like to like really dress up for my shows.

So I come out and I sweat like a beast on stage and then I rip off my suit.

So I was, had just taken off my glitter suit and I'm about to put on my jeans and a woman's in the doorway and she's like, I found you.

You know, so one thing you say to somebody, you don't say to somebody, I found you.

And then she followed with, don't worry, I'm not going to touch you.

No.

I was like, that's worse.

I'd rather you just fucking grab my cooter and let's call it a day.

You know what I mean?

Like, let's get to the point.

So what do you want?

So what did you do?

Did you?

So I said, say can i i literally was like can i just put on some clothes and i put on my clothes i was like what's up girl and she's like man i just told i said how'd you get back here she said i just told the security guard you know like my name's lane

No, no.

That's what's so funny about the moments.

It's like when they tell the security guards, like, oh, we're friends.

We're from this.

Sometimes you're like, oh, go in.

Go in.

I'm not worried about a mael stalker.

I think I'd like a little bit of a boost to the ego, but I have always said that I will probably be murdered one day in a TJ Max by a, you know, a white gal named like, you know, Michelle or Tanya.

Like, that's going to happen.

That's who's taking you to.

I think that's who's taking you.

Like, you didn't read my DM.

I'm like, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I think a light stalker is always good because it keeps you like, oh, we're doing something.

Like, we're kind of a big deal.

We're actually like doing things.

We're really big deal.

Yeah.

Back to the blowjobs.

Absolutely.

Great transition.

I actually think I'm done with the blowjobs.

The point is, is, ladies, you don't have to feel bad.

And in your special breadwinner, you really, really touch on the important fact of like no one is thinking about giving head when they're giving head and it's okay if you're multitasking and that's fine and what did what was the other thing you said that was so funny oh oh my god that you believe that all men are slightly on the spectrum and all women have adhd i do

i think so here's the thing men are really good at getting dialed into one thing my husband is incredibly successful but he's successful at one thing at a time meanwhile i will be on stage delivering jokes i already have my like uber eats order in my head Yep.

And I'm like, oh, fuck, I've got to call my attorney on Monday about the thing with the thing.

And I'm multitasking all the time.

I mean, there are some days where I feel like ADHD can cripple you, but I've realized it's actually, I feel like all women superpowers.

Yeah, it gets it.

It gets shit done.

We get shit done.

But yes, I do not think about anything sexual while I'm blowing my husband.

And I tell women the best thing.

And when people come to my show, you know, they used to be like, oh, I drug my husband.

And then the husbands have the best fucking time.

My show is for everybody.

But my job is I like to, I know it's so fucking annoying.

I drug my husband here.

I'm like, you didn't have to put a gun in his head.

She said,

I blow them backstage.

If you come to my show, I will put your dick in my mouth.

I thought you were saying the people were saying they drugged their husbands.

Sorry, I probably said that with a little country twang, like they drugged them husbands to my show.

I'm like, all these men are fucked up.

So what that did is the husbands were out working in the yard, and then the women gave them a little night, you know, a little pill

in a poor slot and next thing you know, they're at a Heather McMahon show.

Could you imagine?

No, I don't know.

If all of a sudden you just came to and you're like in a room and there's a glitter,

you know, a full-figured blonde woman in a glitter suit just being like, this is what happens if there's a dick in your mouth.

That would be like the worst trip of your life.

I'm happy that I clarified Heather because I'm not fucking kidding.

You multiple comments would have been, damn, like, why didn't you talk about how like she drugs her?

No, no, no, no, no, I'm so sorry.

I meant, I meant when you drag, like, like you force them to come drag, yeah, yeah.

And then the guys are like, fuck, I never saw it that way.

And they have a great time.

But yes, I don't think guys realize we're always, the mind's always swirling.

We're always on the move.

We're always on the move.

We need to talk about the hall pass situation.

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We need to talk about the hall pass situation.

Okay, great.

Yes.

I'm not, I'm not trying to give away too much of your special because everyone needs to go watch it and there's so much good fucking shit.

But this hall pass situation, you almost can't help but be like, did this actually fucking happen?

This is insane, Heather.

This is insane.

Walk us through.

also legally i don't know what i don't know what i'm allowed to say but no i my my husband's hall pass is the incredible gorgeous model kate upon love and we were down at the terks of cakeos and she had like dm'd because we had mutual friends hey saw you're down here like would you like to come over for like a cocktail what a nice dm what a nice dm and i hadn't gotten my husband a christmas gift and i leaned over and i was just like hey let's go to a you know let's go have some cocktails i i told him that my sorority sister was down there it's so good and so i get him there i drag him over to this cocktail hour.

The door answers and it's Kate's husband, Justin Burlander.

And Jeff immediately, because, you know, my husband's the biggest sports fanatic, he had a full boner, full boner standing on the welcome mat of this like, you know, of my job.

Holy fuck.

And I just kind of turned around.

I remember it all having in slow motion.

I just kind of gave him that like, like, fuck you, Jeff, look.

And do you think he knew Kate was in there at that point?

Or did he just think this is a random coincidence?

No, he immediately, like, he immediately, as soon as he locked eyes, Jess and he was like, let's fucking go.

You're kind of like a brave woman to bring your husband into the same room as his hall pass.

Well, also, Justin Berlander is an incredible athlete, makes a billion dollars, and is like a model himself.

So I wasn't worried about it.

If Jeff ever made anything weird, this guy is, you know,

an all-star athlete.

I feel like he could have body checked Jeff.

No, you're right.

And by the end of the time, you're probably like, if he's going to go with her, I at least could go with this.

And it's not a bad option.

You know what?

I told Jeff later on, he was like, I can't believe you made that happen.

I said, of course, and we never told Kate.

She didn't know until I sent her the clip from the special.

I was going to say, did you run it by her?

No, I was just like, hey, I just want you to know, like,

and Kate is the coolest chick in the world.

I want you to know she was so great.

And of course, I did not tell her at that dinner.

Like, we're sitting at this table with all their friends, and I'm kicking Jeff.

I'm like, Jeff, you've been staring too long.

Like, he's in the corner, just kind of frothing at the mouth.

And one of their friends had mentioned, they're like, yeah, it's so weird.

You know, like, Kate is just the coolest chick.

She's so awesome.

But, like, guys get really weird around her.

And I was like, I was like, shut the fuck up, Jeff.

Smile, eat a shrimp cocktail.

Getting weird.

But no, they were awesome.

But I do think that I have really,

you know, exposed Jeff to these cool opportunities.

He's gotten to meet all of his sports heroes.

And what have I gotten?

Let me tell you, all I wanted, all I wanted were two tickets.

I wanted an Aerist tour ticket and I wanted a Beyonce ticket.

Did you go?

I went on, because I made it happen.

Doc.

We were in, actually, this is a great story.

We were in,

I was in Australia.

Okay.

And I was doing my tour in Australia in February.

Well, Taylor Swift just happened to be there at the same time.

Love.

You can't get tickets resale in Australia because they don't have like a stub hub.

It's like illegal.

Okay.

But I was like, Jeff, figure it out.

Call my agent.

Figure it out.

Surprise me.

I want to go.

It's my last night in Sydney.

I've been in Australia for a month, Tori.

Okay.

Jeff's like, I have a surprise for you tonight.

I'm like, this is it.

He got tickets.

I'm going to the Aeros tour.

I've got the friendship bracelets ready.

Let's go.

And next thing you know, our hotel was right around the corner from the Sydney Harbor Bridge.

Okay.

So it's five o'clock.

I'm like getting ready.

He's like, no, no, no, no, just go dress casual.

I'm like, oh, he's got a surprise.

He probably has like an outfit for me.

Like, this guy thought of everything.

He made me climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge instead of letting me go to the aeros door.

Now, mind you, I have a fear of outdoor heights.

If I'm on a tall balcony, I'm always like, not that I would ever want to harm myself.

I don't have intrusive thoughts, but I'm always kind of like, what would happen if I just left?

Right.

You know?

It's just a little bit like, what if?

What if?

Right.

You can't help.

So I am on the top of the bridge in this like full windsuit, windbreaker onesie, gripping the side.

And they, they put me at the

back of the

group.

I can't even talk because I'm having like flashbacks of how dramatic that was.

They put me in the back of the group.

I'm clinging onto the side of the bridge.

And the guy comes up.

He's like, are you good?

And I was like, I was supposed to be at the air restaurant and I'm freezing on top of this bridge.

And we got off the bridge.

We take a photo.

The photo that we have on top of the bridge is the funniest shit.

They're like, smile and i'm like doing a peace sign like just like i hate my husband oh i had stroked out at that point i was completely like there was no mind-body connection i cried when we got off the bridge and i'm not a i'm i'm a tough cookie yep and jeff wanted to give me a hug he's like wasn't that the best and i was like i don't know if this is gonna work out like get away from me you piece of fucking yeah

men that can be so fucking dumb like so don't like you knew i wanted this and because we're not going like figure out something that we could at least and also surprise me and also probably let you know beforehand the surprise ain't gonna be Taylor, but I got something else for you to make it as big, like as great as I could and to make up for it.

His defense was, it was our last night in Sydney, of course, we'd never get to do this again.

And the fun, the best part was when you go to do the climb on the Sydney Bridge, they have all these celebrities that are up and they play the photos while you're doing the safety briefing.

They play the photos of all the celebrities, and there's a couple like D-list celebrities.

And I was like, they didn't even ask to take my photo at at the end of this.

Like, do they know why?

So not only did I shit myself on top of this bridge, they don't even have a record of it for when other people go to climb the Sydney bridge.

They don't know that the number one comedian of all time, Heather McMahon, was on the bridge.

Heather.

Yeah, against my will.

But it was a great memory.

So have you ever gone and seen the Aristotle?

I did.

I saw it a couple weeks ago in London.

And let me tell you what, it was awesome.

I,

I'm a, you know, I'm a theater nerd.

I love, I wanted to see the production.

Yeah.

And it was just fucking awesome for Taylor.

It is so incredible.

Like, I went once and I'm going to go again.

And I am,

I just fucking love her.

I love her too.

And I didn't really, I think I kind of missed literally the era of Taylor, like for the breakup moments growing up.

I was just like two years older than that.

Okay.

So while the girlies were crying to, you know,

yeah, when the girlies were crying to all these songs, I was in my dorm room listening to 36 Mafia.

That was what, you know, I was doing drive-bys in the jetta past the ato house just being like nook if you book nook if you book you know like that's and i was like it's a love story baby just say yes

yeah yeah that was not i was i was in revenge mode that's why reputation is my favorite album oh it is that's why i wear snake skin you know yeah i'm a reputation girly i'm literally like a folklore girlie really

but that's great i mean i have a softer side but i i love that when she's in the full snake skin and the one legs out, oof, I love it.

When are you going on your cruise?

That's in April.

I'm doing a cruise.

And again, you know, I talked about possibly getting murdered in a TJ Maxx.

It also might happen on the Lido Day.

I was going to say, I don't know if you're coming back, but you'll have a good time.

I will.

And I might not come back because I'll get a res in the Bahamas.

I don't know what's going to happen, but we are doing a cruise and it's like 2,000 fans on the cruise and it's other comedians.

And it's just going to be four days at sea of us just letting it rip.

And so will you just like roam around in a mu moo?

Yes, absolutely.

With a piña colada and a rum runner in my other hand, absolutely.

And are you going to just like next to you could like saying next to you could be like one of your fans and like you could be knocking on the wall and they like, oh, you're just like one with the people?

I'm one with the people, but also, you know, when you do comedy too, like I, I have meet and greets after my shows and I, I know everybody.

Like, you know, I'm one with the people.

Um, I mean, you did have to, you know, the cruise isn't a super cheap thing to do.

So I'm hoping that people who are making a financial investment are also like maybe a little touch less crazy, but actually the richest ones, you know, are the ones that are crazy.

They'll bring you the gifts to the show.

And it's like, you think like, I bought you a Virkin bag and I put an air tag in it.

So I know where you are at all times.

And you're like, I don't, the Virkin bag for me is a little too cumbersome.

Okay.

I think it's a bad investment.

I said it.

I'm going to get absolutely burned at the stake for saying agree.

It's heavy.

It's

just big.

It's also like, it's clunky.

It's not that cute.

And you can't, like, you can't put it over your shoulder.

So if you're trying to like, like, look thin in a photo, you know what I mean?

You're like, it's like, it's just, it just squeezes the arm.

It's not a good thing.

It's cumbersome.

It's cumbersome.

But yeah, we're doing a cruise.

It's going to be insane.

Comedy at night.

My mom's going to be there.

My husband's going to be running poker tournaments in the casino.

Taking pictures of the fam.

Yeah, my sister's a criminal defense attorney.

So I'm keeping her on land because I might have to, you know, we don't know what's going to happen.

She's going to be at the port in Miami as people are getting off the boat or not getting off the boat.

So she's going to get a couple new clients.

I'm sure.

Will you be posting on your social media about it when you're there?

We really should make a full documentary about it.

Why Friday turns like

Firefetts and it turns like super dark.

And then at the end, it's just all of us with like the neurovirus just like, and that was the day that the ship never came back.

I wouldn't.

No, it will never happen, but I honestly.

But then I'd have like an in-memoriam at the Emmys.

And I have, you know, I haven't been nominated yet, but at least I'd be there.

At least I'd be there.

Last half full, baby.

I am so excited for you.

Okay, can we talk about the special now?

We're wrapping up.

Yeah.

I mean, we've been talking about the special the whole time, but I do want to know, like, I was talking to Hannah Berner about this the other month.

My girl.

I just am so, it's so incredible to watch people that truly deserve it and are actually so fucking funny, like, get what they deserve.

And I'm so happy for you.

How did this even come to be?

Well, so I, um, I produced my own special and I did the first one.

I did the same thing.

So I, I didn't, in this business, you cannot wait around for people.

I mean, listen, you're a self-starter.

You just, if you build it, they will come.

So i uh just shot it i shot at the fox theater in atlanta which is like my home theater i mean talk about like a real full circle moment for me

um and and then i you know then you take it out to market and you sell it so it is so cool the one thing the one thing i really love about stand-up is nobody can tell me no you know it is in this business you get in tv developmental deals they take forever you know you got to get a thousand attorneys involved all this shit but through stand-up i can just pop into a place get on stage say my piece do the damn thing.

And as long as there are asses in seats, listen, there could be one person in the fucking audience.

I'm like, we're going to have a good time.

But, like, that is, it is the greatest love of my life, other than my family, is

a getting to do stand-up.

And it just brings me so much joy.

It's so incredible.

It's going to be on Hulu, right?

Yeah.

What is the exact date it comes out?

That's a great question.

I don't know, but we will post on Instagram.

It's coming out very soon.

I know it's going to be insane.

I was going to say the date.

Can I just tell you right now, I do think it should win a Peabody.

I should at least get nominated for the ME.

Hi, my name is Heather McMahon.

My comedy special breadwinner is coming out on Hulu.

And when I tell you, I'm a bad bitch, I'm wearing a denim outfit that's bedazzled, and it is probably going to be one of the greatest pieces of art and comedy ever seen.

It should be nominated for awards, or at least give me a Mark Twain comedy award.

Thank you so much.

God bless.

Live, laugh, love.

Tune in on on bleep.

It's very soon.

I'll fucking put it in the chat.

I've never been great with details.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm so excited for you.

Oh my God.

That was like a, we're like, bleep, hello.

Okay, we're back.

Wrapping up.

We're like, we need to shut the fuck up and go film some content.

This has been really fun.

Has it?

Can I tell you?

I really enjoy you.

I'm not blowing smoke up your ass.

This has been fun.

I'm so proud of you.

I know we just met, but it...

It is so fucking cool to see fucking bitches doing it.

I know what they do.

Just doing it, period.

And you should be so proud proud of yourself.

Thank you.

I feel the same way about you.

That's why it's so fun to do what we do because I feel like we get to like see each other on social media.

And it's always funny to be like, what is this bitch going to be like?

I'm sure you thought that when you were coming here, like, what is Alex who we're going to be like?

And I, I'm so happy you're so fucking normal and like you're humble and you're amazing and your tits are fucking amazing.

Thank you.

I really appreciate it.

And I just want y'all to know, you know, be the you today that you want to be tomorrow.

Heather, I love you.

Thank you for coming on call.

I love you.

Thank you for having me.

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