Amy Schumer: Pro Athletes, Porn & Pretending to C*m

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What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father alex cooper with call her daddy amy schumer welcome to call her daddy thank you so very much alex cooper i am so happy we're finally meeting me too no i need to tell you i was saying this this morning to my friends i said okay have you ever sent a dm and forgot you sent it and then they respond and you're like wait what did I send that was me to you so I for context everyone listening I sent Amy a DM in 2021 I don't even remember who I was at that point in my life no you were not yet born yeah born and I send her basically saying like you gotta come on the show like I love you blah blah three and a half years later I see you saying like oh my gosh just saw this and it was just in the preview yeah I'm like what the fuck did I say like I'm like what did I say to this woman like were you drunk no literally yeah I'm like hammered or high and I'm like Amy and thank god you were like sweet and nice and you're like okay I'll like see you soon well just so you know both Megan Thee Stallion and Britney Spears has one of those shady dms for me sitting in their inbox so I know the feeling and never has it been read never have they been read but I you know I was so happy to see that what is your angle with Megan the Stallion what are you trying to get in there for I don't remember no that's the thing you send them you know you're like you know you feel connected to someone and actually I have met her I'd met her at like I think an Oscar thing okay and um when we both won Oscars I don't know if you in your research came up but I won an Oscar and so did Megan maybe and uh so I think I just wanted to be like, should we have a friendship?

And she, in return, has not followed me.

So I respect.

I think she's smart.

I think that's a smart move.

I'm obsessed.

And then we'll leave the Britney one to the imagination.

No, Britney has it.

But she mentioned me in her book.

And goddamn, that felt amazing.

Street cred.

Street cred. Street cred.
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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash daddy to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash daddy i need to tell you one more story before i start asking you questions so just to get this off my chest okay um i'm not a freak like i'm not a freak fan but i do love you oh my god that's so nice okay i love you too okay good but oh if I were to have one note yeah this mic is real heavy oh my god do you do you ever think like no I don't care look I'm a stand-up like I hold a mic just roast me but this is like an actual weight no like I mean I want to support the brand obviously I'm honored to be on this show you're You're a, you know, a sultan. But this is a heavy microphone.

You're exhausted.

Yes. I'm honored to be on this show you're you're you're a you know a saltan um but this is a heavy microphone you're exhausted yes the thing is is I and I swim but I'm like this is 20 pounds can I just clear my name for a second I always have mic stands always oh you are the exception because I'm like I'm sweating and my hand's sweating but it's fine and I'm honored it's only because this is not my normal studio we didn't know where to put the mic stand and I didn't want it to cover your face because you look gorgeous no thank you so you're gonna have to buck up okay and you're gonna have to do a little weight training today okay so shut the fuck up okay let me engage my core and move on now let me tell you like a loving story while you engage the core yes Yes.
It was the year that train wreck came out and I live in Boston. I'm in college and I am literally at like what feels like the end of the road.
I am so fucking miserable. I'm at the worst place in my life.
What feels like it? Because like a boy was breaking up with me and I was miserable. My mom flies to Boston and it's like, I have to cheer you up.
It's getting really scary over there. And it is like a random Tuesday and we go to the movie theater and I'm walking around because my mom's like, we got to just see a movie.
And I'm like, train wreck like me. Like, let's just see it.
Like, here we go. I walk in, I sob the entire movie.
And then when I leave, I'm like, oh, I'm a new fucking bitch. Like I'm going to reverse the roles on the men.
Fuck this shit. Let's fucking go.
And that movie, I know it sounds corny, but like you didn't know me at that point, but

it literally changed my mindset in that moment.

And it helped me through like a really tough time.

I'm so sorry.

No, I'm really tearing.

It might be because the mic is so heavy, but I really it's not that that's a dream for

someone to say that to me and for you to say that to me.

I know.

I know.

It's like it's hard to give a compliment and it's hard to take a compliment, but I'm taking

it right, right in right now.

This is close to the Brittany mentioning me in the book and I'm not I'm not fucking with you I am honored thank you for saying of course no so I'm a huge fan so thank you for being here no it's good quite a while it's good it's good um okay I'm gonna ask you a bunch of just random questions to get us started are you ready okay okay I'm I'm ready. Okay, ready? Okay, I'm ready.
Whatever comes to your mind, you're just going to answer it. Ready? How would your friends describe you in three words? Loyal, psychotic, funny.
Love. Yeah.
What is your comfort movie? The Birds, Alfred Hitchcock. Oh.
I know. So hack, right? but I mean you know everybody's a couple comfort movies but for some reason that movie gets yeah gets me gets you in your field and i know this is gonna be like over when this comes out but like i'm so crazy about wicked right now did you see it i haven't seen it yet okay everyone's gonna be like wicked this was yeah yeah what year was this like it'll be kind of pregnant all like it's the wicked but yeah but obviously kind of pregnant's like the movie everyone's talking about but yeah it's the year i just needed to get it off my chest another oscar coming yeah um okay what is the craziest fan interaction you've ever had i guess them eating me out what right i mean that's crazy That would definitely top the chart.
Yeah.

I mean, okay.

You know what?

I'm just going to get right into this here. Okay.
Okay? And I've never said this anywhere. Okay.
But when I was sort of at my kind of peak, like touring arenas, whatever. And I'll say it because this is where you say it.
Were they a professional athlete? Sure. did I text them like late at night and they came over went down on me and then I said I'm so tired I'm so sorry and they left yes and you know who you are not the look into the camera and that's happened a couple times and I'm not proud of it and I think like you know and and keep the ambulance is good for this moment

because this is like when I actually get actually canceled no but it's all about you know you want to be a giving lover and whatever whatever but at this moment it was like you know some people like will blow a guy and that's the end of the night so I kind of you know did it my way to quote frank sinatra first of all hold on a professional athlete was a fan of yours why is that so shocking no no sorry no why i'm saying it's not you know when you're young and you're in the spotlight you you know you you i mean i no look i know you ma'am no i'm more saying like was he at like a fan event no i've never i don't think I've ever been to a fan event but he was at a show he was at a show he was at a show can I ask of all the sports what sport and then we're moving on baseball have you had sex with my ex-boyfriend no and we didn't have sex oh right babe sorry sorry went down on me and then I yawned and was like it's been a I mean that's a moment in train wreck and that that's from real real life. I love that so much for you.
No, it's kind of amazing. That's like a full circle moment.
I'm appreciating that story right now. That's good for Caller Daddy.
Thank you for the tea. You're welcome.
And like, that's not, you know, the most popular move that gets the best response. But that's the truth.
I kind of feel like that would keep them wanting way more. I that that's happened probably in my life.
When I was in my hay. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. And, you know, one of them was furious, I remember.
And one of them was, like, totally fine with it. And you know what? The baseball player was pretty cool about it.
Well, because I guess, like, the furious makes sense because it's like because it's like wow are you saying i'm that bad like you're falling asleep no i think it's like i just made you come and now you're kicking me out and i'm like oh my god what does it feel like to be a woman you know and again this mic is so heavy no i know but you're young My bones are old and they're confused what if you prop it up on the pillow no okay okay i'm glad we tried it on who would be your celebrity hall pass hmm okay okay um i'm gonna say either christian bale or beyonce the range yeah but i don't think i would get a hall pass I would give a hall pass you wouldn't get but I wouldn't get one no but it's good to like think about it like it's I think it's even better when it's like a dream and like I don't know if you'd actually even want to do it yeah or don't be your heroes how many can I have you can have as many as you want okay method man can I get my phone out no um yeah yes yes and he knows and he knows and he's his beautiful wife and whatever and he's like so doesn't he's not interested yeah but why did he say something to you no well you know now that you say that wait can i ask who yours is specifically as the pirate johnny depp like as interesting as the pirate like i'm shocked with the you want the makeup i want the makeup jewelries the hair yeah i want the little cloak like a little skirt right the whole thing yeah yeah yeah get those rings what is your most embarrassing interaction in hollywood oh my god so many so many, so many. Okay.
This is a long time ago, but I was at an Equinox flex and Alec Baldwin was there. This is, this is 25 years ago.
Okay. And he was getting, he was getting water and I was behind him at the water fountain and I was like and I quoted Glengarry Glen Ross and I said water is for closers and I should have killed myself instantly I don't remember like I blacked out because it was so stupid I don't know if he acknowledged me but I am sorry did you ever see him again? yes he's been nothing but really nice to me.
Did he remember that moment or no? I don't think so. He just I didn't.
I didn't. I didn't.
I don't know. I don't know.
I can't remember anything. Like, do you do you do drugs? Yeah, like I did, but not anymore.
OK, right. Good.
Good. No, no.
I've never done cocaine. I've never done ecstasy.
You've never done cocaine. Never cocaine.
Never ecstasy. Mushrooms and weed.
You know, you know I'm not like a mushroom girl you're not I don't know if I need like I'm worried it's gonna like affect my brain like in the morning I'm like that's smart okay no that's good because like it has I I'm like I won't remember what we talked about today you're not with us anymore no I am no longer with but at least you're still funny thank you um what is the craziest rumor you've ever heard about yourself um oh god so many uh like you know there's so much out there but about me oh well this is fun um at my wedding people magazine reported some celebrities who were there and they uh said that jennifer aniston was there and she was not there but my mom who is 75 okay said i think what happened it was no from behind i look exactly like jennifer aniston and i'm like you just had knee surgery and you're in your mid-70s you know but but I just said,, Oh, okay. Yeah, mom.
So that was Yeah, that tells me a lot about your mom. That does tell you a lot about my mom.
Yeah. We love your mom.
Mom, I mean, love a little deluge. I mean, I've got it.
Obviously. I am so confused.
Yeah, this is good is good. Okay, what is one of your biggest pet peeves? Okay, this is really controversial.
Oh, why are you looking away from me? Because I'm already regretting saying it. Just go.
And it's not really even a thing. Okay.
It's not even a pet peeve. My pet peeve is men, but also, but also, and I already said men right yeah you said okay I said men my other my other this is kind of like a fun little not really okay okay I have a couple now that I'm going pickleball annoys me have you ever played no me either I'm just hating from a distance Me too.
So loud. And if you can vape while you're playing the sport, is it a sport?

And I don't like how a lot of people, and I don't know if you do this, so I'm so sorry. Just hit me.
Okay. The way that I think especially people, I don't know, both coasts.
Say it. Have turned the word and into like a 10 syllable word like and and i'm like what okay i definitely don't do that no but do you know you know what i mean i say and yeah and like and let's keep it right right right but and it starts e they go and who the fuck are you hanging out with no you're gonna notice it now you're gonna notice it now i don't think i've ever noticed that you're gonna listen back to um so we were at the store yeah and oh i know what you're talking about you know what i'm saying when you put it in the context of that done okay i also agree with all of those things and you haven't insulted me yet so this is good which i'm fine if you roast me at some point at some point in this interview, don't hold back, but I hate pickleball too.
Actually, I've never played it. So I can't say that.
I've never played it either. That doesn't mean we can't.
Yeah. Okay.
That doesn't mean. Right.
Just play tennis. Everyone's just so smug and they've got their racket and they're like, and they look so happy.
Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's just the joy that they're feeling.
Yeah. And I'll, and I'll never feel that joy.
So joy so I mean I guess that's what it's really about if you play let me know and I'll like go for the first time with you okay great no but I'll like tear a meniscus or something and I like I just like when people are like you just hear these people like I got a pickleball injury and you're like that's it loser absolutely get on a boat and And guess who plays pickleball? Who? My mom. Jennifer Aniston.
Jennifer Aniston plays pickleball. Jennifer Aniston.
You heard it here first. What is the greatest length you've gone to get out of plans? Oh, this is fun.
This is fun. So my dad is MS.
He's in a wheelchair. Okay.
What was the question? No, I'm just kidding no i'm just kidding so but i love that you're you're such a good interviewer i am may i give a compliment oh sure of course you're a great interviewer oh my god you haven't even gotten into it yet no no i'm just not based on today okay not based on today um uh wait let me just get some of the hands wet um no but wait what was i talking okay so my dad your dad so my dad so i was starting to date this comedian okay i don't know if he still does comedy but this is you know 20 years ago and we were supposed to work a weekend together at this club like in the middle of nowhere and i was like and the way he like kissed me like he like it was like soap opera like he like had a real moment with me you know like slow and i was like i want to go home and so i pretended like i didn't feel well and then in the morning i texted my mom at like 5 a.m and i was like in an hour call me and tell me that dad's in the hospital and so i'm laying next to this guy and so my mom who is a real gangster calls me goes your dad's in the hospital and the guy's still sleeping I'm trying to cry like I'm like oh my god what you know I have to leave on a plane you know so I think that's the biggest lie no no no do you ever feel guilty about like doing a lie when it has to do with actual illness like i think i like lied a couple times about my grandma dying and i like they're like again i was one of those people for a while but it was to like each different man so i was like this isn't like making headway like right to different people but then i started to be like oh fuck like someone's gonna die because i keep saying someone's fucking dying i know but whatever um yeah but no my dad lives on he will not die yeah yeah no he is very much with us but he did tell me the other day that he what he wants done with his ashes oh and um I don't remember I need to write it down you know but this looks like a nice place is that an urn no no no but what he said was I just want to be with you and I'm like I don't remember. I need to write it down, you know.
Oh, wait. But this looks like a nice place.
Is that an urn? No, no, no. But what he said was, I just want to be with you.
And I'm like, I don't think I can commit to eternity with my dad right now, you know. Yeah, I think that's like a little much.
Yeah, like I don't know. I want to see what my sister's up to.
Like I want to see what everybody else is doing. Yeah, like your husband.
Yeah, like what I'm just going to be with my dad forever. Like me and my dad.
Like that's it. Yeah, i think you can kind of do one of those where you're like absolutely and you look him in the eye and then once he's gone flush his ashes right into the sea yeah i'll put him somewhere nice do you think the people that wear like ashes like around their neck or a little um or do you do that i don't wear jewelry at all because it like i just feel weird it looks weird on me what i don't know it just looks weird on me yeah i'm nothing yeah do you say i'm nothing i'm nothing i have no i am not bejeweled anywhere not even an earring no i let my holes close including my vagina gone but the asshole ready to go really ready um okay we're currently in Brooklyn in a random person's house I like literally have no idea where we are yeah so they'll come in at any moment and kick us out but until then what would you say is the most New York quality about you I think that I uh like don't give a fuck and that like just in terms of like on the subway or whatever i'll be like move in you know like this thing that like if it's just just in you and it's like i should be like trying to keep a low pro yeah but you know i just i can't and i'll just get you know involved in anything that goes on and that's what's nice about New York is like that especially public transportation everybody's like together the community aspect yeah yeah but yeah we does anyone ever be like fuck you Amy Schumer like at the fuck like what yeah no I mean yes but no like you know no no not really I feel like I'm like anonymous here in New York, no one cares.
And they're expecting to see you. And they're almost mad that it's either like, this is a famous person we're running into.
Can we get Rihanna? What the fuck? True. They expect to see me.
They're like, where were you? We went to the 30 Rock today. OK, you grew up in the city, but you were born in Long Island i was born in the city and then i grew up on okay yeah backwards sorry um how would you have described yourself as a kid i would say i think i'm exactly the same uh what what what is what am i now um i would say like my friends loyal psychotic and funny you always psychotic.
I was always psychotic. I was always just trying to make myself laugh.
Oh, that's nice. You know, like have a good time.
I mean, and I would want to make my friends laugh and other people, but it was really about, I think, just trying to, you know, combat boredom and just like have fun. Completely.
Yeah. Entertain myself.
I need to picture you like in school like little Amy little Amy was voted the class clown classic and teacher's worst nightmare but I was I played volleyball okay so I was pretty serious about volleyball so I wasn't like doing theater but I did start plays when I was five but then I got real into volleyball and you're? You did your research. Don't you like when someone's like, I guess I looked at Wikipedia and feels like a hero? Wait, did you want to be like an actress growing up or did you want to be like a pro volley? Well, I was like actress, but I got really into volleyball.
And then I had a bad surfing accident. And so I was taken out for the season.
And I don't know if I could have played D1, but I was definitely going to play in college. You were going somewhere.
Somewhere. But you couldn't play volleyball and do the plays.
So then you leaned into theater. Majored in theater.
OK. What was the most unhinged thing you did at school? Like you're the class con, like you're fucking shit up.
Oh, God. I mean, I ran for I believe I ran for president of student council as a freshman.
That'll put a target on your back. Just to make a speech.
But I could be getting it wrong. It might have been junior high, but I believe it was, I believe it was, I believe it was high school.
And I just, I made a speech and it was all lies. I talked about growing up on a farm in in Iowa I would you know if there was a bake sale I would bring in a ton of toast you know and like have a sign like toast like I just was an idiot and just like thought I was so funny we that the confidence it takes if it was freshman year to go for president and seniors are looking at you like you fucking piece of shit back up yeah like where did you get confidence from like that I know I don't know I really think my parents lied to me so much and I just believed it and then when I found out they were lying I was too late and I had this like inner confidence and it was just too late it couldn't be shaken it couldn't wait are either of your parents funny yeah my, they're both funny.
My dad's really funny. My mom is like, is funny too.
Cuckoo. In a good way.
Yeah. I say that in a good way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they're both really funny.
He's hilarious. How would you have described your social life? So you're funny.
Like, did people like the funny kid or were you like alienated? No friends. I was cool.
Sorry. No, was I was cool.
Like things weren't like easy. I had major trauma and stuff when I was like 12, you know, which I'm totally happy to talk about.
Yeah, because I know your life kind of flipped upside down around like 10. Yeah.
Yeah. My dad got MS and we went bankrupt.
Like we had money, we were comfortable. Yeah.
And then we were like poor. And my parents got a divorce and my mom started dating my friend's father.
Like it was a whole nightmare. And I, you know, I really, I really was traumatized and didn't think I was traumatized you know of course and then no it was really hard but I still had a boyfriend I was still like making jokes and yeah you know going out and popular and that kind of shit to go from like being comfortable to then all of a sudden having your parents go bankrupt do you remember that conversation like how did you find out because usually that's an overnight thing right where everyone's like um it was overnight it from what i remember it was like um i mean we went from like living in what i would consider like a mansion you know by real housewives standards not not decorated well or anything but a big house with a pool and whatever to a like you know maybe two bedroom tiny home or like we moved every year and we lived we would live in someone's basement or someone's attic and that kind of stuff and And what happened? Well, it was like, I really feel like that part of it was all good.
And so, you know, I can make fun of my mom and whatever. But I never, you know, I had, I always had like, this sounds bad, but I was gonna say we always like had somewhere to live.
We always had food. I was never like embarrassed of my outfit and like, you know, because also my friends didn't have any money, which was nice.
Like none of us were dressed well. None of us had a nice car or a car, you know, it was so there was no like class distinction or anything.
And I was just like, you know, wanted. I just my mom says that I was embarrassed of our new house, like that I asked the school bus, like I, I don't know something where I was like, can you drop me off somewhere else? Um, I don't remember that, but I don't remember the loss of money being anything that I really felt just like the relocation.
Yeah. Do you remember how it was explained to you? Like how your parents lost all the money? I don't't remember that I think it's just it's you know like trying to the revisionist history that each of my parents give like I really can't tell what's true of course you know that is like so disorienting when you become an adult because you're like which one of you is a compulsive liar right and am And am I going to do that to my children one day?

Yeah.

And like,

are we all just completely remembering things in the way that allowed us to

just move on?

Well,

it's,

yeah,

you're right.

It's,

it's,

it's really disorienting and,

and destabilizing.

Cause you're just like,

is any of what I was told true?

I don't at all know.

I don't,

I don't feel like I know anything about where

about my actual past can I ask you because I know you mentioned it earlier like the your mom sounds

amazing don't you love the preface don't you love when like live for her she's the greatest

Jennifer go Jen I will say it's so funny having like public platforms because my parents are

always like we love how you just like talk about us and I'm like well it's my fucking life sorry

I don't wear socks with shoes no i usually do I usually do what happened this morning I just um I mean I just like came over here it took 13 minutes in a car you know so yeah so no socks do you do that often if it's like I'm just gonna be out for a little bit yeah well how does that strike you like is that are you like your feet are cold or one feet is a nude foot like do you not even have nail polish on there no look at my nails okay look at my look at like okay your hand is my hand is shaking okay exhausted you guys from holding the mic I'm panting back to your mother oh yeah sorry yeah so your mom had an affair with your best friend's dad. Right.
How was that told to you? It was told to me like. We're in love.
I'm for the first time in love with someone. I realize I've never been in love before.
And I was like conditioned to be like,

well, I'm so happy for you.

Go girl.

You deserve happiness.

I love you so much. Like, you know, just kind of, you know,

brainwashed to worship your parent, your mom.

And vilify my dad. And so I was just kind of like I got you you know did you stay friends with that friend we tried but no did they end up like living together ever like your mom and the guy like did it ever go viral they they were they they were together I think for like two months oh oh quick yeah like almost destroy like a family and then like you know i met someone new and like and now i really know what love is like 10 times god bless her love she is so self-aware and we are in a good place love but yeah and you know what and I really like judged her when I when I was 30 because I kept crazy journals I read back from you know from 12 to 21 I kept these journals and I'm like oh my god this woman you know and then but now that I'm a mom and I'm around the age she was, I'm like, look, you don't know.
I know. OK, like there's a lot of fucked up shit that goes on.
Yeah. She kept a roof over our heads.
I don't know. That's true.
I also feel like when you get to that age, like again, like there you're told such different things because you don't know really what's going on behind the scenes and your mom and your dad's relationship and all these things. And now that you're like and you have a child you're like oh i'm seeing it a little bit more clearly not that you would do that but yeah unless one of my son's like friends has a dad that's like at all even a little interested then we're fucking popping over go are you someone that typically handles bad news well like do you like black out are you people pleasing are you like i handle it i handle it well i i handle like kind of emergencies and that kind of stuff like i stay very chill just know that everything you're asking me in my mind i'm like and you and you you're not asking me a fucking question this is about you we only got a amount of time like we are focused on amy is someone coming in here after me no oh my god i only do one basically like a week i gotta be i gotta be lubed up for you you are my beauty rest for you you're not like on the casting couch and we're not rotating this shit it's you and only you look at my favorite porn yeah now i feel attacked that's your favorite porn no not no but I had a phase with that sure oh you did yeah sure what's your favorite porn uh well the thing is and I was hoping this would come up yeah I figured um I feel like I can't say it because you know a lot of porn is like from real life situations like oh or I and then and then I'm getting a massage or i'm in a car or i'm whatever and i don't want like the driver or the you know i don't want them you know you have to live your real life yeah yeah um so you know i'll tell you later okay yeah you don't want anyone to get the right idea is podcast porn a thing they should make that where it's like you're like and then all of a sudden i'm like amy give me that yeah but give me your bare foot you start massaging your foot mid interview

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Check out the VIP treatment at T-Mobile.com slash benefits. You are one of the most successful women, obviously in comedy.
When were you like, I'm turning this shit into a fucking career. Let's go.
right i well i didn't start saying until after college i was 23 um and i did not even think about the possibility of making a living from it but the first time i got a college gig and they were like we're paying you eight hundred dollars for one hour and i ran oh my god around my apartment do it like laps around my apartment like it's like the best feeling i've ever felt i was like well i feel this good if i ever have a baby um and as someone who's had a baby no no okay and i was like oh my god for an hour eight hundred dollars it was a gig it was so far upstate colleges pay well

and it was so far upstate New York that it was like you flew into Canada

and just no one else wanted to do it so I got it and uh yeah and then I was like oh my god if I can

just make a living doing this that's all I want but then you know you you start you get there and

you go what's next what's next what's next and so yeah and then like you know I really want to try

and make a lot of money. We, after the roast of Charlie Sheen, I'd like that was like, you're obviously like a huge moment.
That was big. On your Wikipedia, at least.
That's what it reads. How often are you? Barbara Walters is back.
Babs is here. I'm fucking dead.
How often are you using your roasting skills? Like, are you someone like fucking roasting your friends? Yeah, like my, yeah, your best friends. Like, that's all you do.
We just trash each other the whole time. But yeah, my friends.
Yeah. But really but really like I wouldn't do that to an audience again I wouldn't do a roast again why I just was young and like didn't realize that people's feelings really get hurt oh you know I mean that's so that sounds so stupid but it was like you know and especially when you're starting out you just think okay these people are so famous i'm a completely unknown comedian who cares what i say but then you know like oh that probably really did hurt that person's feelings or something you think well i know it's people's feelings but i also feel like there's been like a random rise again and like the netflix specials are roasts and people are roasting and people are like liking it like obviously we saw nikki glazer had like a huge moment because people were like oh my god like keep fucking roasting oh my god she killed no i love watching roasts and they're so funny i just don't like i couldn't do it because hard i don't i absolutely go for like the jugular bring a gun to a knife fight but also um i don't know like i just feel and with the audience i wouldn't you know i used to be like if you're gonna like heckle me or something like you're gonna be handed your ass and and now I'm like it's just better to diffuse it yeah and and you know I think just from therapy and maybe becoming a mom you're like I kind of want like peace yeah like I I don't I will not feel better if I hurt you but you're good at it good to know it's in your arsenal in your arsenal.
But hold on with my husband. If we're talking shit about other people like you know.
You could not. Every night.
The worst people in the whole world. I wish I could like be a fly on the wall.
Disgusting human beings. Isn't it the best where you're like no I am a good person.
But the shit I say with my husband. Oh God.
It's so yeah. I i mean that's i think that's why we i think that's why we click so much it's just the evil yeah working beneath obviously comedy is like such a male-dominated industry not to get too fucking deep here well whatever they're all male-dominated industries every single one yeah we're talking about comedy today but any other industry that you pick up yes it is male-dominated at all times but yours happens to be comedy so we're going to talk about the men in that industry yes um did you ever have an experience like that was so obvious to you where you were like wow I'm literally not being taken as seriously because I don't have a dick I would say only every single day all day every moment of every single day every day yeah all day wow yeah okay yes yes it's so sad it is sad and I would love to say something different but the the only thing to do is be in the highest position of power and call the shots because the second you're in somebody else's you know um i was almost gonna say ballroom i'm like i don't i don't know why are you in a ballroom but it's just if you're not at the and even when you are yeah at the top of the food chain it's still it's it's there's no relief and and um i i've and any woman that you think might have it different does not at all and at no point ever yeah well what's there's like some glorious item quote yeah it's like any woman who'd like i'm gonna butcher it but like who decides to you know live an interesting life or something will be treated as a cruel joke and she'll need her sisterhood and and i'm sorry because i butchered it but no no the concept i get it and i wish it wasn't like that and i god damn i wish it wasn't like no it is like it's I appreciate you saying that.
Yeah. As sad as it is.
You're like every day, every waking minute of my fucking life. Like I want to be one time a promoter.
But I'm like, no, every second of every day, every set, every everything. And how sad that like we are in these privileged positions.
And I'm like, wow, like I'm like a privileged white woman and i fucking feel it all the time like can you i everyone just thinks that women at at any point might lose it and they're just waiting for you and so every day it's like memento you have to like start over and and remind everyone that you're in your position for a reason every day every day and I just want to say this since you asked every year you're in like a chain like a whatsapp chat or text chain with the other moms in class I mean without with the other parents and then they pick they designate class moms you know they go like and they and they haven't changed it to be pc they haven't made it to class parents okay class mom it's class moms because the moms are the ones handling shit and communicating and we text and we never and then once in a while like a dad will pop in there and we'll be like rick are you lost you know like the moms are really getting things done right and and i just like think like i want people at home to imagine like imagine if your dad one year was in charge of planning your birthday party i wouldn't have had no okay your dad is like i'm gonna handle it this year okay any dad is like i got it and or or anything or planned anything they like communicate they can't and i think this is and and men are in charge of the world it's terrible the world and that's why we're in so many wars i think that it's not even on purpose i think probably these men were probably just trying to plan a birthday party right someone quote that that's gonna be like on the internet like no you're right you know what i'm saying it's so true and it's really i appreciate you saying this because i was gonna ask you that like the state of our world, we don't need to get into it. No, it's like we would be here for 19 hours and we would start crying.
Yeah, right. We would have a suicide pact.
But I think especially as women, it's interesting because I've had people ask me like advice. And in some capacity, I try as fucking hard as I can.
But I'm also like, like I mentioned earlier, we're privileged. And on top of that, like it literally hasn't gotten that much better.
If anything, it's like people do it like sneakier around me. But I'm still experienced like misogynistic fucks that are like essentially criticizing me for X, Y, Z or saying stuff about like, oh, if she if she ever talked about sex, then she's just like forever a whore.
Like, I feel like at one point people really tried to pin you as just like a sex comic every every woman is like a whore what woman is what woman like steps out of into the spotlight and is not just like you're a whore and you're a whore it's just a level of whoriness but why do you think men are so frustrated when women talk about sex i think they're afraid of women and they're afraid i i really do i think i think i think men are terrified of women i think they're it goes back to how they feel about their moms i think they feel guilty about their mom i mean we all feel feel guilty about our moms. And just scared at everything we've ever seen, all the old movies, all the books, all the, you know, it's like, it's all from the guy's point of view.
It's all the male gaze, a slow pan up from her heel. And it's just starting to get better.
And so if I were to say to Gloria Stein, I'm like, what the hell? She'd be'd be like it's so much better than it was but what it was was that not that long ago you needed you know your husband to get a credit card and we couldn't vote we couldn't vote and like you know here we are and here we are and here we are yeah losing rights by the day um in your dating life did you ever feel like because you were in the beginning so open about talking about sex, did you ever feel like guys had specific expectations of you if you were going to hook up with them because of how open you were about bedroom stuff? That's a good question. I don't think they did.
I think they could tell I was full of shit. But I remember in college, I would kind of try to talk a big game and be really confident,

like Mae West or maybe I more up-to-date reference. And then we would, like, I would go home with them.
I remember I went home with this guy one time and he had like, I don't know, like pit bulls or Doverman pinch. I don't know, he had these like dogs and he was like just, I think he had like an ankle on you know like he was on parole or something and like we were and we're like kissing and like we're like in the laundry room of my dorm and it was like it just all happened so quick and i was like naked and and i was like i am in way over my head i am not this experience sexually i have been completely bullshitting this guy trying to like act like i know something and yeah i still but no nobody ever yeah he knew i was full of shit too he probably just wanted those are the worst moments where you're there and you're like wait i was bluffing i don't actually like this like i was like trying to say a big game and like please stop like I'm actually super vulnerable and scared of your penis terrified behind closed doors like in your 20s and 30s how did you like what was your relationship to your sex in your body I 20s and 30s I think like I remember the the first time when I was a teenager and my first boyfriend was like fingering me or something and I was like wet and I was really embarrassed and I thought it was a bad thing so I kept going to the bathroom and like wiping it up you know I had no idea and uh and then in college I think I was so drunk all the time like I I just I feel like my self-esteem was super low because I went to Towson University

and like that was like number one for playboy for hottest women that year and are you serious so I was just like an actual troll with like the physique of Brian Cox and I was like you know like I just look like an MMA fighter and you know I'd have to wait you know like I would black out and so I you know I didn't even think about work like trying to have an orgasm probably until I was I probably didn't have the confidence to to try and have the the guy make me come until I was like in my 30s which I think is like probably more normal than not like I'm telling you there are so many women that message me and are like, I literally have no, I don't, I don't feel anything. And I'm like, it's because like half of the time when you go to have sex for the first time, the guy is enjoying it.
No woman is having an orgasm the first time or second time they're having sex. Like you don't know what you're doing.
So I think that's like a normal thing to say. I have never come from penetration, ma'am.
it like a normal thing to say I have never come from penetration ma'am it's a scary thing to say out loud no it's not I mean it's scary because nobody talks about it you know because we're all like you know getting an Oscar but getting an Oscar but no I I you know I've had generous partners who understand like that you know I need first. And I know you subscribe to that.
100%. On your Wikipedia, it says to make her cum.
Is that the third line or the fifth? Which one was that again? No, listen, I get it. I think in the early days of my show, I used to talk so openly, like over the top openly that maybe it made some people uncomfortable, but it was like almost like trying to go above and beyond to normalize it for women because it's not normalized for women right so I appreciate you saying that because I think there's so many women that are going to listen to this not that you need to be like the advocate for like no coming through penetration but it's it makes people really mad it does it makes me well I.
Well, I mean, not about me, but like, oh, shoot. There was this documentary about this woman who had.
She was doing all these studies and was like, shoot, do you have an information person? Yeah, we can Google the height report. The height report or the kite report.
The kite report. The height or the kite.
Very different different but could be the height report and the height report and she was like she was reporting on women's real sexual experiences and like giving feedback and she was like completely of course shunned and of course had to like move to europe which is what we do with all of our famous shun people like do you pull your dick out when no one wants that go to europe no i appreciate you saying that i think there's a lot of people that have experienced that and

i am absolutely not coming every time whatsoever from penetration but my vibrator does the trick

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Okay. When do you feel you're most confident? On stage stage doing stand-up i think that's amazing is it yeah you feel your most what if i was like as a mom no i'm like okay um yeah because i'm like you know it's like you're playing a little bit of a part you know even though my like stage persona is pretty close to who i am yeah it's still like you're in charge and empowered and you know whatever when obviously like i think every again woman in the industry i'm not saying men don't experience it but women obviously like tenfold like there's so much conversation about the way we look and who we are and our bodies and all the conversations and people feel so inclined to be like I have so many thoughts about it which is fucking insane um was there ever a point around like the conversation around like how you looked like impacted your self-worth I mean it hurts to have a lot of hate thrown at you from the internet it doesn't feel good I was definitely coming up in comedy when it was you know the height of like people on the internet like letting you know giving giving me feedback um yeah and I I don't know I have always I have always thought I've always felt hot I've got to say it I've always felt hot and then you have moments where you know you look in the mirror and you're like I'm Shrek and then but like it's like it's like I have a little secret that I'm like I'm secretly hot you know what I mean and I've always had that and I don't know I'm 43 I'll see we'll check in um I think that's in a couple years when we're both living in Europe yeah yeah true oh fuck this interview like everyone's like get the fuck out no i think that's like really great to hear because i i you can almost see when specific women that are public figures because those are the only people we get to watch unless you're like staring at your neighbor um like a freak um there you can tell when someone's going through it you can tell when like everyone is picking her part everyone is and i'm always like god damn this is not natural I wonder how she's doing so it's nice to hear that you're like I'm fucking hot bitch I like I believe that I'm hot you are when I was going through I guess it was like a year ago and the internet really came for me after doing a bunch of press and um and was like, okay, everybody like relax.
But then I was like, but then like doctors were chiming in in the comments and they were like, no, no, we think you like something's really up. Like your face looks so crazy that we think something's up.
And I'm like, I'm like, wait, I'm getting trolled by doctors, you know? And they were like, we think you have something called Cushing. And it's like about spiking cortisol, like about, you know, cortisol levels and, you know, steroids, you know, injection, whatever.
And I was like, wait, okay. I was like, fuck off.
And then I was like, wait, I have been getting steroid injections for my, in my scars. God, here, you know, you're, everybody in your audience is going to want to fuck me.
Um, um, I had a breast reduction, you know, C-section, whatever. And I'm like, you know, and so I got these, I was getting these steroid injections.
And so it gave me this thing called Cushing syndrome, which I wouldn't have known if the internet hadn't come for me so hard. So right before I started filming Kind of Pregnant, which you guys have to check out on Netflix.
We're getting there. I was like before, right before we started rolling was when I learned I had this condition and that I had something called moon face.
And then there's just, I'm starring in a movie and there's a camera right in my face and I'm'm like and they're like rolling. And I'm like, oh, my God.
And, you know, I asked some of the people close to me and everyone's like, you look great. You know, but then you have like your one friend from high school that's like your face is looking like a little bit insane.
And you're like, OK. I love you.
Yeah. And so anyway, I got rid of like it just has to to work itself out there are two there are two kinds of cushioning where in one of them you could die oh my god so for like 24 hours i was like i'm dead yeah so i was feeling really down on myself before i started filming this movie i am so sorry but i'm happy that you're okay thank you um but i want to say something else yeah i was feeling so down on myself and I was like really having trouble figuring out how I was going to star in a movie while I had this going on.
And it just took one friend who this girl Lorraine who lives in New Orleans who's a director Lorraine Cafferty. She was like, you know what and you know I think you look fucking great and you're gonna like she just and I just needed one person to just amp me up and I you know right and you're like let's go which is also did you see the movie young adult no oh with Charlize Theron wait no okay you have to see this movie okay anyway that's just I don't want to spoil the end for you but i'll watch it you know you just need one person to be like go i think that's like really incredible but you did the fucking toe i can't i can't wait are you like chelsea handler like you get grossed out by feet well oh it's just that i don't have a like a pedicure no i don't give a shit about the pedicure i'm just shocked you don't have socks on that's my only note and then i'm gonna keep because of the cold no because like who the fuck shows up to an interview with no socks on and shows up also with sneakers on with no socks on okay but ma'am you also are dressed like you're in hospice so like why like but why so why you copied me i did i couldn't i wanted to come here i mean that's it you dress like you're in hospice and i love it it's like yeah cozy it's so cozy come on um can we talk about your husband I'd love to Chris Chris and he's a chef yep okay is it true that if you are married to a chef like they never cook for you because they're cooking all the time no that's that's not true oh my god I have to tell my friend who literally is married to a chef and she's like it just sucks because he never cooks for me he literally hates you wait oh my god oh my god yeah no your friend's husband hates her oh my god they just got engaged well that's gonna that's gonna be called off that's fucked up he doesn't cook for her i know he's too he does it so much like he's tired this is this is like and chris knows too it's like i can never leave him yeah like what what what am i gonna do yeah you're indebted to him yeah he's what's the main dish he that's the thing it's always yeah he's so last night he made shrimp pad thai but also you know i keep in the back of my head you know for a rainy day yeah i can just get takeout okay but no um you know when you're in fights and he's like well then i won't talk and you're like i'm already on door dash i have never yelled at him i can just get takeout but i am keeping that tucked in the pocket kind of iconic yeah no we uh like we get along like we're just like toxic together and you know those are the best relationships yeah um when obviously you're like very famous and yeah thank you yeah still at the height you know i try to remind him yeah like you're a big fucking deal yeah he's like can you why don't you go in and i'm like i'm like very famous and he's like okay he just is not interested he doesn't care i was gonna say like what does he think of this fucking chaos no it's like the same with my son or my husband it's like your mom and you're my wife like i like i you know i think sometimes he'll try to empathize with it uh-huh uh he doesn't care he doesn't give a shit he doesn't care he's been around he like grew up on martha's vineyard oh so he's so rich no it's like on martha's vineyard there's like the rich people and then there's like the people that work for the rich people and that was him and that was him and and you know there's a nice community when like and i feel lucky that i grew you know grew up most of my life like very like without any money because you know chris had really hustle to make it as a chef I had to really hustle to make it like didn't have a relative to ask for a hundred dollars yeah and um so but he did grow up with like some famous friends and oh that's kind of nice wait how old is your child I want to say five yeah he's five and a half we have you shown him any of your movies he has seen trolls three okay which i did a voice in yeah and he has seen the moment in train wreck when i fall like when i try to dunk and he's he came in a lot when i was editing kind of pregnant what does he think is like mommy he's like he thinks that the stunts are funny he does um yeah like the zamboni scene do you understand that i don't think he saw the zamboni scene why not too aggressive probably it probably would have scared him it's a little much yeah that was the first couple hits were good and then when you guys took out the whole like sidecar of the restaurant i was like jesus that was i i have to be honest and just say that that was not the that was not written by me that part and also the part in train wreck where i come out and dance was not my idea either it wasn't no this is this is that's the male intervention okay it was kind of funny we'll give them that yeah the zamboni was funny yeah um okay and also thank you for just like telling everyone the end of my movie no it's the beginning of the movie fuck cut this cut this something crazy happens no nobody would nobody would remember no no no and it's not too like no well i mean you know not to just quickly because i know you've talked about this before but um you talked about how your husband has autism how did you guys like decide to be public about that not that you shouldn't i'm just curious like it's kind of i didn't ask him no i'm just kidding um just one night well we were the way it happened was I was gonna document making this special okay stand-up special and then i found out i was pregnant and we're like okay great that'll be part of the doc and then i was so sick um i had something called hyper hyperemesis gravidarum which this is good anybody listening if you have severe nausea and vomiting and everyone's going it's the first trimester and you're like i don't know hyper emesis gravidarum that's a word wait hyper hyper emesis gravidarum so say like slow slow hyper no hyper hyper it means like a lot i know what you know emesis means means nausea emesis emesis emesis means vomiting i just wanted you to say it slow so i could say it with you hyper emesis gravidarum gravidarum i feel like we're in like the craft and we're like hyper emesis gravidarum like we're gonna make this spell but yes and they

really under diagnose everything with women of course including endometriosis hello you're not

supposed to have vile cramps that's not normal it usually takes 10 years to get a diagnosis for

endometriosis fucking insane anyway you sum things up yep it's not just normal you're not being

dramatic anyway and then my husband was on the spectrum no i'm just kidding so then um

Thank you. Anyway, something's up.
Yep. It's not just normal.
You're not being dramatic. Anyway, and then my husband was on the spectrum.
No, I'm just kidding. So then after we were married, like, a couple months, he would just do things where I'd be, like, it would be such a different response than I was, that, like, sort of we were used to, you know? One time I fell, and, you know, it's, like, everybody would be, like, like are you okay you know and he would just kind of like like just stare you know and it was like oh and uh and he would also just say things in front of people it's part of what I fell in love with was that he'd be like you know why is your like outfit so weird are you you know and uh says exactly what he thinks and i was like would you be interested i i just did like a little online test just me and uh and i was like oh for my test i was like he's on the spectrum and i said to him would you be interested in learning more about your brain like would you want to find out if you were on the spectrum and he was like yeah that's a nice also way to like approach something yeah and he uh had he said like no i would have been like all right but he went and he was tested and um yeah and like and it's it's been amazing like it's it's been amazing for him yeah and for me it's like but it's because it's public and there aren't many adults out.
Yeah. Like everyone's like quiet about it because there's such a stigma.
So it's, you know, I think he's like really cool and brave that he's like out there. Like, yeah.
And how many, and like how many people do you know where you're like, this person's on the spectrum? Who cares? They're like my favorite people. I agree.
Like, I think it's nice. Obviously, it's not like his burden to bear to be like the poster child.
But like, it's nice. I agree because there are so many people, but it's like there's a stigma around it, which there shouldn't be.
No, it's stupid. And I remember when I was a kid, people were embarrassed about ADHD.
And now like people, that's the second thing they'll tell you about themselves of course you know and so I just I hope that it gets more normalized and like and I you know I feel like he's done his part and um I think it's great yeah great and you know what I like you know he of course annoys me and like there are days where I like you know want to kill him but we I would still choose him out of everyone I've ever met um yeah I love it and not just because he's a chef but god that doesn't hurt and someone you can talk shit with done um can we talk about your new movie even though I ruined the entire ending yes I'm gonna cut it yes did you have any more spoilers you wanted to I'm gonna go through the entire movie um no I was cackling I was saying to everyone this morning I'm like I it was so nice seeing you lead another movie because you are so physically funny comedy wise like no the way you that sounds so creepy but like move your body and you're just like very very physically funny and that is like a hard thing to do obviously you're like verbally funny yeah but you're just so fucking good that's so nice and it's an honor to sit on this couch with you oh my god this is such a nice couch um no when i saw this like suede ass couch i said's really nice because I haven't, I haven't starred in a movie in a while. This script was sent to me, you know, and like, I'm like a little snot, like I won't do, you know, I'm like for me to like give that much time and energy to something, I have to be into it.
And I was like, I think this is a really good idea. A woman faking a pregnancy is so insane.
Yeah. And, just there was like the backbone was there like the skeleton was there to like you know i to to to shape a bunch of it and you know i like i'm trying to just show women having fun and being equals you know and like female friendships and so it was like that was also there for me and clearly the point of the movie like it's you know it's described as a rom-com and it is but it kind of isn't it's like more about like the the love story of the friendships so the entire movie is like hilarious it's like every single scene i feel like just keeps ramping up ramping up like the knife in the child scene i was like oh wait now this movie no one's gonna see it because it's like no no when you stab no i said no i didn't say that i said knife in the child scene yeah yeah but do you now hear it out loud and like see that knife yeah yeah like it's a horror film no no it is one of the funniest scenes.
No children are stabbed in this movie. No, he's holding a knife.
Okay. Okay.
Just like, they're like, Amy Schumer goes on Call Her Daddy and they talk about the child. No child gets stabbed.
No child is stabbed. Child holding knife.
Funny. Funny scene.
Funny child knife. Scene.
And scene and scene um but one of my favorite like themes in the movie is the fact that these women it's all about timelines and I feel like that is the most fucking realistic conversation I have on the show so often it's like everyone comparing like the timeline here and oh you're having a baby but I'm not engaged yet but you're divorced and oh my god and I'm single and I want kids or I'm doing IVF or I can't get pregnant like there's so much and the reason that we get anxious is because we're looking around and we're like where am I where am I like how do I always asking you it's insane how do you think this movie does a good job of like kind of embodying the concept of like stop constantly comparing yourself to other people around you yeah I think you know this movie is about a like I think my character's Lainey and she when she's a little girl loses her mom and is just like doesn't want to be alone so she's like has the idea of like wants a lot of family around her and I didn't have a lot of family around me as a kid and I connected to that and I would my friends would have like big families and I would kind of go and hang with them and be like oh one day I want a family and like she just thinks that's a way to not be alone and then um you know realizes that you're I mean for me my my favorite times are with my girlfriends and like laughing and having a dinner or whatever my i'm really close with my girls from home and and my friends that i've made since i've been older and like that's where a lot of my joy comes from um i don't ever say joy in real life so i feel like just because i'm on this couch can you just like believe can you voice over and have someone say something i would say like joy like what um wow wow wow wow but my good my good vibes and having fun you know it's like i love joyful yeah i love my family um but you know you're girls yeah no it's so true and I feel like also as you get older especially with kids or someone that's not having kids like there feels like there can be this disparity within friendships where I have so many women right and being like oh my god I I like I feel like I'm getting disconnected to my friend because she just got married and I'm single and I'm like I so get that that could be a feeling yeah but that who gives a shit where you're each at like the reason you're friends is because you like each other as human beings yeah and I think I was the last one of my friends like to have a kid yeah and I didn't I was not someone who was like always knew she wanted to be a mom and uh yeah it wasn't until Chris was literally like we're gonna have a family and i was like oh um but i am also like if if you were like if someone's like should i have kids i'm like probably not you know like it's not looking good you know things aren't looking good so right i just i think it's and also i think people get intimidated if you haven't like ever spent time around little kids, you, you feel confused. And so your friends can kind of alienate themselves because they're like, okay, I don't understand this and I don't understand children, but you, you know, you don't, you love your friends and you want them to be a part of your life and, but you don't want them to be uncomfortable.
It's like, I would love for my friends who don't have kids to like be in my life or my child's life um but because you but then it's like you have a kid you you understand that I don't need you don't like you don't need your friends to phone over your kid you you have such a good thing with your kid yeah and you know they're cute and you know they love you so you don't you don't need and I think people think oh I'm supposed to to play some other role. Yeah.
Like you don't even need to mention like the kid's name. But I'll be like obsessed with some of my friend's kids.
And like, you know, but then also like I don't remember all their names. And it's like you have your own.
You're like, I'm good. Me and my kid are good.
Like, you know, but really I'm not like if someone were like, you know, I just don't feel like everybody has to have kids no and that's what i was gonna say like i feel like people can read the room better if you are a mother and you know your friend has been struggling and whether she can't have kids or she doesn't want to have kids stop being the one being like let me just show you one more photo like that's sick knock it off my every one of my friends i I would say i would say like almost 100 of my friends have had miscarriages and and i feel like lucky that we all like yeah feel comfortable sharing that with each other yeah because like it's so painful and you know whatever i'm like gonna say people don't talk about it but they do because i've heard people say they don't talk about it but i just feel like it's the it's so painful and, you know, whatever I'm like going to say people don't talk about it, but they do because I've heard people say they don't talk about it. But I just feel like it's the it's the most sensitive thing.
I think for any woman, like that's the most painful thing I can imagine. Yeah.
And I feel like your your movie, though, brings light to what is a very sensitive topic. And I found a lot of like, I don't know, I just enjoyed it because yes, there is so much negative around it of like you, we aren't allowed to talk about this.
And then it's like, oh, we're bitching if we talk about it too much. But if we don't open up about it, then we're not honest and real.
And like, there's just so much that goes into being a fucking woman. Like we've talked about this entire episode.
And I promise I'm wrapping up, but I'm having the best time. You are, you are, you have a good time yeah like are you gonna leave here and be like i'm gonna leave here and be like i feel like i just hung out with a good friend i hope that's not embarrassing no no i i was so vulnerable at the beginning of this telling you i was like kind of like a fucking fan and i'm like dming you like a creep and now so nice now we have like cred like now if I DM you you're gonna answer me not in like three years

you'll that's right you'll answer tomorrow

two years

Amy Schumer thank you for coming and call her daddy

thanks for having me you're amazing