The Skinny Confidential | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Random. Say, listen, we've run out of fuel.
I want to hear what you actually... You saw what happened the last time I tried it.
But I have to tell you first, when you told me that I look good and you like my outfit, you made my day. I did.
And probably my week, maybe the month. You did.
I love the outfit. The outfit's beautiful.
I know beautiful i know but i mean it's great who doesn't like to hear that at my age he looks hot right what can i say that's thank you so funny because whenever i think i'm like wearing something plain that works better and then when i try to do more it works well you don't want to you don't want to i like plain you don don't want to have too many things going on you know you have to dress your age yeah you don't I think that's one of the biggest tragedies is when guys start to age and then they try to you know they're dressing horrible no you got you got some swagger too you got some style well you know like there's an old saying don't let the old man in and I have you know don't just don't in. And look, not that we were talking about this on your show,

whenever that was, last week or at Wink Wink,

when we were wearing the exact same clothes.

Like the Golden Bachelor never changed the dress.

Exactly.

But, you know, I think not getting married is what keeps me young anyway.

Because, like, marriage is, it's like a milestone.

It's kind of like saying, well, this part of my life is over. Not that that's bad.
And now I'm in this phase. And then when you have kids, you kind of trade your fun for theirs a lot.
And, you know, whereas like you could say I'm immature, but like I'm always in phase one because I like phase one. Right.
You know, I don't understand these couples when they talk about, you know, they've been married a long time and they're like, oh, and they reminisce about like the days when they first met. And it's also like, oh, and I was so nervous that I forgot to watch the dog the night we went out.
And, you know, I thought he was cute when I saw him, but then he, I don't know, farted into a bag or whatever it is. They have all these memories.
And then for the,

and, and they kind of like, then are like living off those memories for like the next ever.

Well, that's a little bit. Like it never happens again, this, this, this two-year period in their life, which they describe as like so wonderful.
And so, and I'm like, yeah, I never want that to

end. But the problem I think is when you stay in phase one after you've had a wife and kids and you're still trying to be.
Well, that's not good. No, you got to make the choice.
I think a lot of people though, if they were really brutally honest, would say that they're settling or they settled. Totally.
And I'm sorry, that's a hard truth to swallow, but I talk to a lot of women on a daily basis because of our show. It's millennial women.
And a lot of them feel like they have settled. And that's just the truth.
And I don't know more about men. I mean, a lot of my guy friends tell me, but- No, but we talked about it on our show with you.
It's like this thing where you feel it's something you're supposed to do. So you do it sometimes just because it's what you think you're supposed to do without actually thinking to yourself, hey, I'm going to be with this person for a very long period of time.
And if you have kids, even if you separate, you're going to be co-parenting for a very long time. You guys have kids.
Two kids. We have two kids.
We've known each other since we were 12. We have not been together that long.
We dated.

I had to do a couple of phase one activities for a while.

I also had to do a couple of my own activities.

But you know.

But we've known each other for a long time.

We say to people all the time.

He wouldn't leave me alone.

I don't want to say we're unique because there's a lot of people.

I don't blame him.

I mean.

I thought she was a substitute teacher when I saw her.

She came in fully developed.

I was 12 years old.

I was like.

She looked like this.

I ignored him for about 15 years. lied yeah she's hot my question always with married people it's like like i look at her and like to take no disrespect i love it like i just listen i'd be coy like i look at that wow that's hot but you've seen it a billion times can you see can you still see that's one of the reasons i never got married is that it's very and that's not thanks for having me on the show it's just it's not it's not my it's not your fault it's the way we're designed it is it's like robert green said that on our show it's actually it's human nature like my my lizard brain right now wants her more than yours does probably because just because we talked about just the truth because it's like that's their we can't and it's because i never saw her before yes so i get what you're saying and people know i mean dr joyce brothers used to you You know who that is? She was this TV psychologist, like, oh, forever.
I guess she died maybe 10 years ago or something. But she was always on TV and, you know, every talk show.
And she was charming, not a comedian, but she was an expert. But she had a good sense of humor.
And one of the things she used to always say was, when you see someone, you know within seven seconds if you want to have sex with them. Okay.
And I used to think, wow, you need seven? You know right away. It's just, it's instant.
It's like, you know, eyes, skin, bone structure, you know, mate with that one, mate with that one, don't mate with that one. I mean, it's human nature, right? I don't know how to explain it, though.

And I don't want to say we're unique because plenty of people are married and together for long periods of time.

But I think we have a better sex life today than we did when we were younger, hence maybe the kids.

Awesome.

I don't know what that—I mean, I think we always—I mean, her dad caught us in the closet together when we were 12 years old.

I was trying to get a blowjob.

Twelve.

Twelve.

And he's good looking, too.

I mean, it's a very good looking couple.

Thank you.

He's a great looking guy.

He is.

I feel like you also have gotten hotter with age.

But I feel like women, that doesn't affect women as much as men.

It's just something about the DNA of wanting to spread the seed or something. The aesthetics.
Yes. And also, you know, women, it's not always just a physical.
No, it's got to be a brain. It's got to go through the brain.
I got it. I have to be stimulated mentally.
Of course. If I'm not stimulated mentally, I don't care how hot the guy is.
I would say that is one of the major red letter days in my life, turning points in my life, when fully realizing that like, oh, it has to go through the brain. I know, you know, you're young and you're horny and the hormones are raging.
So you just want to get right to it and it's just never going to work. And of course, they're not going for it because that's not how women work.
Unless again, you're at the P puff daddy party or you're one of those musicians who the groupies you know i'm telling you there are there are guys who are just great looking you must have had it happen where a girl just you know i mean grabbed your johnson it's like well it's not subtle it's like you must a line of girls, though. Well, I never put them in a line.
Well, okay. You haven't been struggling.
I bet you you have a lot of girls who, because you are so intelligent that I bet you have a lot of options, we can call it. Let me ask you this.
Can you date or be with someone that even if they're super hot, can you spend a long period of time with them if they're not intellectually i was wondering that too like i'm sure you can fuck them for a period of time but can you spend a like if they're annoying or if they don't if they if they don't have a thought at this age yeah annoying can never be anywhere near in the equation. Sex is great, but nothing is worth sketchy, worrisome, annoying.
Now, dumb, that's not always a deal breaker. Okay.
Wait, wait. No, I take that back.
Ignorant. Ignorant and dumb are two different things.
Ignorant, you're never going to find someone who's way less years alive than you,

who knows as much as you because you learn something every day.

Right.

But smart, you can be smart and not know much because they don't teach anything in school.

Yeah.

But someone who's smart and wants to know, nothing's sexy.

What my dad used to say. And it makes for a wonderful relationship.
He said, you can heal the sick and help the blind, but stupid's forever. So true.
You know, you're stupid, you can't learn. Ignorant just means you don't know something.
And we're all ignorant of almost everything. I mean, there's infinite things you could know.
Well, if you go on the internet, nobody's ignorant of you. With how busy you are and how much you have going on, though, how are you even meeting girls? Are they sliding into your DMs on Instagram? Like, what's the way to meet them? I'm not on Instagram.
I'm not on any social media. I've never done any dating or knowing anything.
No apps. Well, I have.
Do I have Instagram? Yeah, I have it. Once in a while I look at it and it's only dogs doing crazy shit.
That's all I have. That's all they think I want.
And apparently I liked one there. Back in the day when it was just pictures, I did follow a bunch of hot models because it was just like, oh, it's like Playboy on my phone.

But then they changed it, and I don't know.

And somebody said, oh, they'll think you're trying to get with them.

Really, if I just look at them?

So I don't think I have maybe one or two are left.

But mostly it's just dog things.

I don't even look at it.

I certainly have never communicated with anyone over Instagram.

I wouldn't do it.

I've seen people be embarrassed by it. I wouldn't go on a dating app.
First of all, I don't think you could ever know anybody through a screen. Can I trust what they look like first? And then even past that, to get to know somebody, you have to be right here.
I have to be able to see your face not through a screen i have to see what those eyes do that's why we won't do our show without being in person we won't we won't do the remote interviews because i can't i won't either i mean once in a blue moon i will do a uh satellite like with netanyahu okay that's but yeah we're not again we don't have prime minister of israel i was like i don't know good friend of bankman freed okay i'm learning today's a new day anyway but other than that i insist they all have to come because first of all with the with the delay i'm a comic i work on split second timing you know you have to have that in person thing And it's the same thing with mating. You know, you have to have that in-person thing.
And it's the same thing with mating. You know, you have to feel, you can feel it.
There's femurones involved. And you see people like just the little movements in someone's face as you're talking.
You don't even consciously know it, but it's communicating a million things. You can't do that through a screen.
And, you know, I missed a lot of the dating. I didn't have any of the dating apps thing, but I always find it funny.
I have my friends that are on there and they go and they show up to meet someone and it's like, who are you? Like, it's not the, it's not the, that's not with the person. It's not the true representative of the person.
Because there's filters and lighting and makeup and blah, blah, blah. And you're taking the best picture.
And so all of a sudden you get there and you think you're getting something and then it's completely different. So why is the sex better, you said? Yeah, go back to the sex.
I think the sex is better because, one, we're getting better at having sex with each other. Really? A lot of people don't think that, Michael.
A lot of people would say it gets stale and boring and it's the same old shit. But also, we're very open and talk about sex all the time.
We actually have a sex business. We've got to send you some stuff.
You have a what? We have a sex business. We'll send you some stuff.
Coconut oil lube. You can eat it, lick it, suck it, fuck it.
And it can turn a massage into a blowjob. It was a little side journey we took on as we were experimenting.
A massage into a blowjob. Okay, you know how when you get a massage from someone and it can turn a massage into a blowjob.
It was a little side journey we took on as we were experimenting. Massage into a blowjob.
Okay, you know how like when you get a massage from someone and it turns into sex or a blowjob, but like the massage oil? Well, we gotta... I do not know.
This is why we've lasted a while. But like the massage, it goes into a blowjob or sex and you get all the oil everywhere.
You want the oil to be like edible. You want be able to eat i don't feel like i need a segue for blowjobs you know i i feel like you're efficient with your time well i mean first of all i mean it's blowjobs are a little passive for my taste i mean you don't like a blowjob oh i didn't say i didn't like it but it's never been the focus of my i mean a guys are like, oh, if I could just get blown and go right to sleep or just get blown.
I feel like you can resonate with that. That's not my thing either.
I like the real act. It feels a little juvenile.
Well, it's passive. Like, whereas fucking is, I guess I'm a dominant type, you know.
So it's hard to be. Anyway.
If someone's listening, though, and they want to meet you,

and they're this hot, beautiful lady, what's the way to meet them?

What do they do?

You have to get set up. They're friends?

Be smart enough to figure it out.

Ah.

Smart enough to figure it out.

But again, I'm good.

You're good.

I'm good.

Your cup's full.

Yeah, I'm not, look, I'm just, again, I don't want to be specific.

Well, I say, again, that was on your show. Now we're on my show, so I guess people didn't hear that.
But they know. I like to keep my personal life close to the vest.
Well, that's why a lot of your life is so public, I think. Well, you know, nobody really gives a fuck about a 60-year-old man, except if I was doing something bad, which I'm not, or doing something scandalous.
I mean, one thing I don't do is go to high-profile restaurants with someone, you know, who they would just, immediately they would write, she's a gold digger and he's a cradle robber, even though they know nothing about us. That would be the story because the press is not your friends, really.
That's what they're looking to do. So I don't need to give them that.
And I also am over that phase of my life, the buying dinner, dating phase. That's just, it's like, come on, man.
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Legends with a Z.com is legendary fun. You know, let's just, let's just, I lived that life.
Let's get to the end. You know, there's a dinner date.
It's just an interview if you want to fuck somebody. It's like, please.
And I also live my life by one extremely important principle. Sex before food.
The rest of the world does it wrong. I used to do it wrong.
They have dinner and then they fuck. It's disgusting.
You're eating. Oh, I thought you meant like you don't get.
Oh, you're right. Ew.
You have to fuck and then eat. Both are better.
And then you're hungrier. You're hungrier.
You've earned it. You don't mind if you make your breath stink.
That's not hanging out. You're right.
And also, like. It's terrible.
I agree. To eat first and then fuck is your stupidest thing.
Rebrand it. And you will never get me to do it again.
I took it completely the wrong way. I thought you were saying you would not buy someone dinner unless they fuck you first.
I was not saying that at all. I was like, whoa.
If I like you, you can have all my money. I've never been about money.
I got more than I can use, and I'm not interested in anyone who's interested in me for that. And if you're truly not, then you can have a lot of it.
You know, it's just not a thing. But food and sex is.
You cannot eat and then fuck. It's just disgusting and stupid.
And you should be light and clean when you have sex. And then when you're done, you're worked up this great appetite.
The food tastes better. You don't have to worry about what it's doing to your breath.
It's one of the greatest things I've learned on the show. One of our friends made his girlfriend jalapeno peppers, and they ate them before they fucked.
And her pussy was on fire. The jalapeno oil on his fingers because he made the poppers.
Right. They ate before they fucked.
That's what happens. I thought I had a lot of people or stupid stories, but that one really...
That one's good. Wow.
I'm going to have to put that in the top ten. She wasn't very happy.
Well, anytime you're using food, I think, in sex, you are barking up the wrong tree. If your sex life is somehow lacking, food is, you know, that's not the book that you're sticking under that leg of the couch that's going to make it sit up.
It's just do something better. I mean, food is, I don't like food in general.
I mean, I eat, of course, and I, like anyone, like tasty food. But, like, I find myself going more and more hours into the day without eating.

What time do you eat? Well, I get up about 11. Sometimes I don't eat till five or six because I have coffee, I have maybe a little snack here or there, but like basically as soon as you eat, that's where most of the energy of the body goes to is digestion.
And, you know, you're just more alive. You're more alert.
You're more wiry. Food is a buzz killer.
It certainly kills if you're stoned or drunk and you'd eat. Yeah, now you killed it.

Now you ruined that buzz you worked so hard on. What time are you going to bed if you wake up at

11? What time are you going to bed? Well, I mean, I used to go to bed crazy late, and now I only go. That's typical of comedians, yeah? Yeah, totally, because, you know, we are in the clubs when we start out till late.
I was always on a late clock. The fun happens at night.
I mean, it's just more fun than the day. Like the things you would do at night.
If you're in phase one. Which I have stayed in.
Stay in phase one. If you're in phase one, that's right.
You're good. That's a good run in phase one.
Yeah. That's where I always wanted to live, right in the middle.
I won't say exactly where we are in L.A., but it's one of those cities that's right in the middle. Because if you're married, yeah, you live in Malibu, you go to work in the city, and you go home you're home for the night like i would go to work i'd come back i was like yeah but i'm gonna go out again at 11 yeah so just getting started yeah so i no i mean i don't do that much anymore but yes if somebody has sometimes somebody has something at the last minute or it's and it's usually in this area or if it's not, you can get to the other areas because you're in the middle.
Um, I like that. Do you enjoy being friends with celebrities or are most of your friends, not celebrities and comedian? Well, celebrity certainly doesn't determine one iota of how much someone is a friend of mine.
I mean, I, I have, uh, one of the wonderful things I would say about getting to this point in life is that you have such a great collection of friends from all the different periods of your life. I have a couple of friends from childhood, a couple from college, a couple from early...
More than a couple, probably, from early stand-up days. And then people I've met from doing either Politically Incorrect or real-time over the years that have organically become friends.
You don't want to push that on anyone as a talk show host. You don't want to the first time, hey, let's exchange numbers.
No. But over time, it just happens.
So that's a wonderful thing. And so some of them are celebrities and some of them are not.
I mean, but they would all get along because they all think I'm great. So, you know, they have that in common.
And so they must have good taste. Who's the coolest off air? Like out of all the people that you know, who's the absolute coolest? That's such a great question that I'm not going to answer because whoever I didn't say would be so pissed.
I think you would say Rogan.

I would not.

First of all, I don't know

him off air.

You guys have a good rapport.

I can't believe that.

I have good camaraderie with everybody I talk to.

I really do.

I like Joe a lot.

Do we agree on everything? No.

He's going to vote for Trump, which I think is insane. But, you know, that's him.
Maybe it's you. And it doesn't make me like you one bit less.
I. And I was having this argument with a very famous close friend of mine last night who believes you cannot.
He would not be friends with someone who votes for Trump. And I am like not on that page.
We had somebody on the show the other day. And one of the things they said to me is, well, think about how many miserable liberal people, you know, and I, my response was think about how many miserable conservative people.
I just think this whole idea of like, you have, you have to base your friendship and your ideas on a side is so foreign to it. I hate it too.
And, and we get so much shit on our show for having everybody from every different thought process on the show. And for Lauren and I, I can't imagine being put in a position where I have to decide who I'm going to be friends with based on their political ideology.
I just think it's insane. Some people will say, well, these people are actually harming people's lives and whatever issue that is.

And they'll take it that far.

But I just don't see it that way. I mean, it's not untrue.
I mean, this person was saying, you know, Trump, you see, you know, he's racist. And this thing with the Haitian disorder, it's like, yeah, it is.
That's not untrue. But it's also way more complicated than that.
I mean, the Muslim mayor of that town, Hamtrak in Michigan, the only Muslim-majority town in America, endorsed Trump. The guy who asked for a Muslim ban.
So there's nuance? There's nuance. It's just so much more complicated.
And also, like, I know some of the people that this friend of mine that I was talking to know that we have in common who are Trumpers. And I was like, really? You mean you don't want to be friends with that guy anymore? And the answer is usually, oh, well, you know, it just really gives you pause.
I was like you pause like really I mean maybe he's not your best friend of the world but we have to cut off and it's just for and even if it was if you thought you had the moral high ground which you don't it's just counterproductive because you're going to have to talk to these people anyway it's half the country and they're not going away. They're not self-deporting.
They're probably not going to change their views on a lot of stuff unless you talk to them. They're certainly not going to change at all if you don't talk to them.
That much I can guarantee. We talked about this on our show a little bit.
I said how 9-11 how we're basically, 9-11 happened our freshman year of high school, but we were young. And I think our generation has watched a lot of, in my opinion, a lot of warmongering for the last 20 years.
And I said, like, it's hard to even distinguish which side is which anymore. Like, there's people on the left now that are fans of Dick Cheney.
Like, if you would have told me people on the left... And his daughter.
Yeah to me like it's so the lot like the extremes have gone so far you don't even i can't recognize which is the thing we were talking about on that other show that yours that we were doing you know as soon as bobby kennedy said processed foods were bad suddenly we all switched teams on that one it's just amazing the way they will switch teams on a dime. And first of all, it's kind of childish.
I know you think you're the sophisticated ones. It's not really sophisticated to only see your team, who's on your team, what can I learn that supports my team or what I already know already.
It's just not interesting to me. First of all, you're boring me.
Don't bore me. Speaking of that, let's get more specific about what it is you're doing to each other that makes the sex better.
Like specifically, I I want to know specifically. You want to hear about the sex? Everything is on the table.
I'll give tips. Wait, can I just let it rip? You're 30-somethings, right? I think that you got it.
You're doing it since you're 12 in the closet. I think that I am very comfortable with my sexuality, and I think that that makes it a lot.

As women get in their 30s.

Yeah, I've been comfortable since I was 12.

But yes, ask my husband.

Oh, come on.

There must have been a...

No, she's been, she's always...

I just, I grew up pretty, very free.

What I would say is Lauren has always been open to all possibilities.

What a nice way to say anal.

No, that's not really my cup of tea.

Here's what it is.

Mine either.

I think we never did it, never will.

It's kind of, that's not my thing.

That's not my thing.

No, never did it in the naughty place.

Never, you never have?

No.

Ever.

No, no need, no desire.

I feel the same. It's just not my thing.
It's not my thing either, but my thing either but i just but i'm surprised that each of them i have friends that love it that's not what when you said lauren was open to anything that does that i didn't i wasn't i was not alluding to you know that's actually not our thing but i'm surprised in 63 years 68 68 oh okay no no that never once I mean, no, I mean, I never wanted to.

Imagine. 68 68 oh okay no no that never once i mean no i mean i never wanted to imagine eating before anal they were always like you're not putting that thing in no no no much food before anal that's not no no no oh that's another no that's disgusting i think we talk to a lot of people it's so funny doing like the show that we've done for so long and people get so squeamish around the topic of sex and you realize that most people are probably not having a great time in the bedroom because they're so uncomfortable even talking about sex let alone the act of having sex most people just not they're not comfortable talking about it they're not comfortable doing it they won't talk about with their partner they won't tell people what they really want like lauren and i and I talk a lot about what's on both of our minds and what we both want.
It kind of works out for me. It's kind of like saying to somebody, you know, my birthday's tomorrow.
Yeah, I get what he's saying. Well, of course, I told you.
That was no big deal. When you're in the act, you can ask for something.
Yeah, I should be better at that. I am not good at that.
You've got to ask. Like, what if you want something and someone's...
Not if they know what they're not... Well, even better if you didn't have to.
Of course. You might be...
Even better if you just didn't have to. That's why the sex gets better, though.
You asked me earlier why the sex gets better. Because that's how you know who's the one.
Yeah. You don't have to ask.
You don't have to ask. It just happens.
Once you ask, it's kind of over. Happy birthday.
You know I'm turning 33 today. Sex as you go on in a relationship can get very tricky if you're not evolving the sex.
I think the sex has to evolve. But you keep avoiding the question.
Like you say you got better at it. Yeah.
What are you actually doing? That's a good question. Okay, here's more specifics.
You get better at it because one, to your point, you don't have to ask for the things you like as much because the person knows and you know your body. What are these things? Yeah, Michael, what are the things? What are these things? I don't know.
I don't have to. Michael, you love your balls grabbed.

What are the things?

There you go.

Now we're talking.

What are the things?

What are the things?

We've talked about it on our podcast.

I don't know why you're being gunshot.

Well, your dad's going to listen to this at some point.

Her dad's a big fan, by the way.

He's going to listen.

Yeah, my dad's going to listen to this episode.

That's okay, though.

My dad encouraged openness.

I think that that's important to not make it weird.

Like your dad didn't

want his balls grabbed please yeah yeah your dad wanted his balls my dad my dad from what i hear my dad lived a life like you when i was young so i saw a lot of different really situations yeah well tell me about that what do you mean i saw a lot of this is what i'll say my parents separated and I saw a lot of, this is what I'll say. Your parents separated.
My parents separated, and I saw a lot of different women coming in and out. And I saw the woman that ended up getting him compared to the women that didn't.
And what was the difference? It's basically essentially what you said, is that she was like, I'm never going to marry you, and I don't like you. And he was obsessed with her.
Whereas the other ones leaned in was sort of like a desperate energy. And I think that it was very interesting as a young child to see that experiment done in front of my face.
Because even some ones that were so hot and even smart, they didn't know how to sort of play and finesse the game. And that's how you got him? Yeah, I got you.
I ignored you for 15 years. That's true.
Yeah.

Wow.

That is a slow burn.

It was a slow burn.

It was a slow burn.

Like I said, I had to do a couple phase one side missions.

You had a lot of side missions.

That's how it probably worked out better.

It's way better because we went away.

You'd be so much more tired of each other.

No, that wouldn't have been good.

That would have been suffocating.

I also think we, like, at the end of the day, this is like a weird thing to say, but we're also, this is making it sound cheesy, but we're so close, we're best friends, and it's like, I know that sounds weird in a sexual connotation. It doesn't sound weird.
It's what everybody says. I never get it.
It just, we. I don't think it's that we're best friends.
I think that I actually, and you actually, we like being around each other. That's the difference.
You also said something else. A lot of people don't like being around each other.
There's pheromones that are important. There's something that like, listen, I've been with a lot of other women and I never took any of it very seriously.
I didn't have that pheromone. They were like, yeah, we had fun and all that, but there was never that kind of real connection where it was going to be something long term.
Chemistry. It just felt like, like okay this is a thing you're doing for a small period of time yeah i mean i'm not gonna again divulge my life but let's hypothetically say there was one girl who i'm insanely in love with like i would say to her i think i like you so much sexier than I love you.

Way sexier.

Not that I love you isn't appropriate.

And of course, we want love.

It's not a very sexy thing to say to you.

When I say I like you, it's just like so much realer.

And it's just sexier.

And it's like you can love somebody and not like them anymore

and people get there and that's the secret keep the like alive people say keep the love alive

love you know at a certain point it starts to pass into codependency and lots of other things that

maybe are sort of wearing the cloak of love but i'm not sure they are but like like has to be real

Thank you. Lots of other things that maybe are sort of wearing the cloak of love, but I'm not sure they are.
But like, like has to be real. Like, you know, you asked me before, like, have I gone out with girls who are dumber? Quite a few.
You know, now when I was younger, would I actually be stupid enough to make them my girlfriend? Yes. Because when I was 25, it was just about, oh, she's good looking.
I could be with her. That ended a long time ago.
But you could have a nice relationship with someone who's not your intellectual peer. As you get older, that's not going to happen anyway.
But, you know, that's not love. And love, I've learned more from relationships that had ended.
Meaning you missed them after? Like, no, meaning like I helped them after. Like I was there for them.
Like they needed me. And sometimes they did.
Because like the love stayed, you know. You just didn't like them that much anymore.
I totally liked them. But, you know, when.
So there's never been one that's come close where you're like, I could see myself with this one. I went and said to this girl, this is, women are like this because the arrow goes right through me on this story.
But this kind of subject was afoot.

And I said, you know, it's like the relationship is the plane and the sex is the fuel.

The plane runs out of fuel.

The plane crashes.

And you know what she said?

She said through tears, yeah, well, my fuel is love it's like boom okay you you got that you got that one we don't need to throw the red flag men and women are different men and women are different they are different sometimes they win sounds like the like is very romance comedy that is that is why we've been together so long though everyone asks what the trick is We like each other. It's not about...
Very important. It's so important.
I mean, we go out to parties and dinners and stuff, and I don't have to go on the guys' trips and the boys'. I'll do those things, but I'm not trying to escape my...
You know what I mean? I see a lot of these guys like, it's a golf trip.'s you know like it's not if you figure out that point but that to me is the biggest problem with lots of relationships is that it gets to a point where the guys when they're talking real they talk to the guys and the women when they're talking real talk to each other and the couple doesn't really talk to each other about real shit you know they there's this myth that the more you get to know each other and the couple doesn't really talk to each other about real shit you know they there's

this myth that the more you get to know each other the more intimate no actually the less

because there's more things that have built up over the years more little fights you had

more uh little things that would trigger somebody you know a memory of something bad god forbid you

ever actually had a cheating scandal and people try to get over that as if she ever forgets it

Thank you. would trigger somebody, you know, a memory of something bad.
God forbid you ever actually had a cheating scandal and people try to get over that as if she ever forgets it. You know, all these little land, all these little landmines, these eggshells that you're constantly walking around.
That to me is not a relationship. I mean, a relationship is like, I don't want to ever walk on any eggshells.
You know, there's nothing I can say that will make the person, you know, make me feel bad about it because it's honest and real. And if you have real love, you know, I don't know.
And yeah, I guess that's rare. But people just live these eggshell-y lives.
It's not worth it. We're very careful to give relationship advice, even with the platform we have to people.
Because I understand, to your point, how it's rare and everyone's circumstances are different. And I don't ever want to think that our situation is the same as somebody else's situation.
And my dad used to tell me when he was like, you never give anybody relationship advice because you tell somebody, hey, Bill, you need to be with this girl the rest of your life. You're with her and she ruins your life.
I've just ruined your life. Or you say, hey, Bill, you need to break up with this girl.
And it was the love of your life. And I've also ruined her.
It's just too difficult to tell people what to do. You can't win as the outside advisor.
No, you can't win in a a lot of those kind of situations you definitely can't win like when you're breaking up with someone no matter what you do they will say you handled it wrong what they just want to yell how does bill break up with someone like what's your breakup what's your monologue oh can you please give it to me like pretend are you do you say listen we've saying, listen, we've run out of fuel. I want to hear what you actually...
You saw what happened the last time I tried it. How do you break up with someone? I got crazy shot down by the greatest line ever.
Yeah, that's a good one. My fuel is love.
I mean, talk about a trump card. Talk about a mic drop.
Like, a fuck you maleness. A woman's crying in front of you, you say? I wouldn't even try after that.
I would just, no, I mean, it's not an issue. First of all, here's the most important thing at any age is total honesty.
If you're totally honest from the get-go, I'm 68. Nobody thinks we're going down the Prune Rose path.
I love being, whenever I got, I don't know, late 50s, to a point where it was like sort of unrealistic that we would start on the path. It was like, thank you, Jesus.
My whole life, I've been looking for the excuse for what I wanted my whole life, which is to stay a bachelor, to stay single. It wasn't easy.
It wasn't easy. But at this point, you're saying it's like, it's built in.
He has an excuse. I have a real ineligible.
I don't have to make it up. It's actually amazing.
He doesn't have to worry about it. It cuts the shit.
I could just say, if I got you pregnant tomorrow, I'd be 85 when the kid got out of high school. Is that what you want? Yeah.
And discussion over. But I mean, look, the great thing about young girls is that they don't want it either.
We're at the exact same place, oddly, at different ends of the spectrum. Like, they're not looking for that.
So what's the typical one? And they're so just over. The guys their age are so horrible oh i don't blame horrible they i hear nothing but the complaints about these they don't know how to talk to a girl they're they're pussies yeah um they uh grew up on the phone and porn so they think anal is like first base and choking is second or so i mean they're just yeah it's we're the last we're right i could be a thousand years old and it would be better than talking to that douchebag do you know what's funny though why though i just said on our show i would never be married if it wasn't for michael because of what you're saying this is this is the kind of that's but you know you know what.
It's slim pickings out there. It's slim pickings.
We're closer in age to the people you're describing than to you, but we probably relate more to you because we were the last generation to not have phones. We didn't get one of these with social media until we got out of college.
That is a key difference. You're right.
I went through college, high school, middle school, as you did, did basically right you know and it's funny we have younger siblings and they grew up with nothing but this the dating apps the social like we didn't have any of this and so we had to go through normal interactions um but from a relatability standpoint i think a lot of older cuss millennials actually relate less to the the age and more to the older people. That is the key demarcation.
It's the technology. It's when people grew up with it as an appendage, as they never knew anything different.
Yeah. I mean, we, like I said, I remember you had to go outside, you had to play.
When you would find a girl, you would have, like there was one girl, there wasn't, You didn't have endless supply of swag. I'll tell you what it is for me.
It's made people lazy. And it's made men that are my age lazy.
And the problem for me isn't the porn or the anal or the note conversation. It's the laziness and it's the lack of discipline and the distraction of the phone.
It's a turnoff. It's not multifaceted.
It's not interesting. It's not different layers.
It's just boring. It's fucking lazy.
I could not agree more. Although to do anal, I do think there does take some discipline and some planning.
Yeah. And definitely they can't go to dinner first.
Planning I do not plan to do. Yeah.
But yes, I guess there's something going on in there. But I look at that like heroin.
It's the one drug I never did. Maybe it's that great.
I don't want to know. Yeah.
I'm kind of good with what I have. Maybe it would be worse if I found something that made me feel that good.
The way I think about it is getting fucked in the ass while I'm on heroin. Yeah, you could try it as a last hurrah.
That could be the last. That's what you're going to need.
If you wanted to do like a blackout show that's your last show. That might be kind of cool.
That's the way you end the show. The way to go out.
Yeah, kind of a Sopranos ending. Yeah.
But me on heroin getting fucked in the ass. Pull that clip.
Someone pull that clip. But you're never tempted to do anything like out of the box to keep the spark alive.
Sure, we do out of the box box. What do you consider out of the box? Well, I mean, like, is it going to show? Because, like, girls and guys think of that different.
I remember one time, listen to this. I'm on a plane, and I'm going somewhere, and I'm meeting this girl in, I didn't want to say the city, but a sexy city.
And she's like, oh, you know, when we get there, I'm like this and that, all the sexy things. And I knew, I mean, it was just rose petals on the floor.
Yeah. You know, like, but if I was younger, when she had done it, I would have thought, oh, great.
Bring in a girl, going to have a threesome. No, that's what the guy thinks.
It's like. We've had a lot of these.
Oh, there was candles and rose petals leading to the bed. But with the younger girls that you're dating, I feel like they are suggesting three sons, no? Well, first of all, dating, please.
I spend all my time on improving America. I don't have time for any sort of dating or anything.
What about all those... There was that line of women when we walked in there.
They are never in a line. I feel that's wrong and we don't call them extras.
Okay. We call them background.
No, we don't use that term anymore. They're midgets.
Wait, that's wrong too. I don't know.
Yeah. You've got to be careful what you use nowadays.
Is there anything that you've said that's taken you close to the edge where you're like oh maybe that one's like i shouldn't have said yeah i've been fired bro no i know i was thrown off the abc disney network but at the time did you think i don't know that disney's the right match yeah i mean you know they saw it as defending the terrorists which i don't know Something bothered people about that. But, you know, they saw it as defending the terrorists, which I don't know, something bothered people about that.
But, you know, look, if I started to pull my punches, I would lose the bond I have with my audience, which is the key thing in my life. And what gives me what I have? Everything.
I mean, that's how I got these pool cues. I mean, everything came from that.
Well, you know what's funny is like I run, my day job is I run a media business that produces a lot of shows. I know you do.
I always tell people, I said, listen, if you want to play the safe middle where you don't really say anything, you don't really share how you feel. Like I, if I'm reading my executive, I watch the numbers on people that do that.
And it's just like, nobody cares.

It's boring.

It's vanilla.

Yeah.

And those people are also successful.

There are many of them.

To a degree.

Yeah.

I mean, in ways that I am not.

But I don't wish I was them.

But yeah, you can be very successful not offending people. Honesty is something that people say they want, and not a giant majority want that.
Yes, there is a great audience, and I think it's a much more sophisticated and better audience that wants honesty and likes that, but it is not everybody. I know some people very, very close to me who don't want that.
They just want to hear what their team already believes and says. They do not want anything entering their headspace that makes them question this Manichaean one side versus the other world we live in.
They're on the good team. There's this bad team.
There's no difference in between. One side lies.
One side always tells the truth. It's wrong.
It's bullshit. But that's it.
For some people, nuance equals nervous. They don't want nuance.
But to your point earlier, it seems like a lack of intelligence to not continue to question and to be so fixated on just your side. It's not smart.
I believe that completely. I could sign my name to that statement.
You can't hear any other one's opinion. But it's not that simple.
It's very similar to the question I asked when I made my religious movie, Religious, that my question wasn't, you know, am I going to find my spirituality or am I really an atheist? That I knew already. It was how can so many people who are otherwise super intelligent believe in the bullshit that religion tells them? How can you be a scientist and believe in the virgin birth? And so my point is that it's just never that simple.
It's tempting to say, oh, your people are just stupid because you don't get it. They're not stupid.
They just perceive reality differently and everybody has gaps. I mean, I feel because I'm me in my head, I don't have those gaps.
But maybe I do.

I feel I can easily see the gaps in their logic. But, you know, I don't know.
Francis Collins is head of the National Institutes of Health. Brilliant man.
I think he helped on mapping the human genome. Christian believes that God flew down like a dove and fucked a Palestinian girl named Mary and that she had this boy Jesus who walked on water and raised the dead back and then he came back to life.
I can't explain explain that and while we're still on this earth unless ai takes over maybe our brain soon the people will always be that complicated yeah i think i i think people like i was listening to somebody talk about this and he was he was a guy that was basically saying he's had he's there's so many forces stacked against you in life that at some point humans inherently have to start looking to some kind of higher power just to get through the bullshit and the odds that are already stacked against you so i think a lot of people look to spirituality or religion or something is it one for that extra push but also just for answers as to how does this i mean some people think there's a simulation some people. Some people think there's a heaven.
There's so many different things that people think, but I think nobody's done a good job of answering what's next. Very analogous to our discussion earlier about medicine.
Doctors are a priesthood. People are scared when they go to the doctor.
Medicine is about your mortality.

And you want to believe, not me, I want to handle it a little differently, and I think you do, but lots of people want to believe there is this one man, my doctor, who has the answer. You're right, it's godlike.
And it's just easier.

Like, I've kept a detailed log of every health event I've ever had. Really? Since 1975, when I was 19.
Give me an example of what would be in that log. Anything that ever, like any medicine I started to take, any, you know, just if I, you know.
Would you say, like, I've had a bout of headaches these last three weeks? Yeah, or cut my toe or, you know. if if i you know would you say like i've had a bout of headaches these last three weeks yeah or really cut my toe or you know unfortunately the law gets more fulsome as the years go by because when you're younger but does that not make you more like neurotic you know i could look up did i ever have a urinary tract infection oh yeah i see here it is i was 28 that time i i had sex in pho Phoenix with that waitress and then fell asleep.
Are you sure it was a waitress? With the condom on or whatever it was, like stupid shit. Just hanging there like a loose sock.
Yeah. I mean, I could tell you how many antibiotics I took.
That's important. You want to be- So you track that so that when you go to a medical professional, you can say, this is the as opposed to just going to a guy.
Yeah, but they don't care. I can send it to him.
A lot of them don't care. Well, not the ones I would be with.
Yeah. That's what I was saying before, yes.
If you're just in some sort of co-op or something, because I hear these stories from younger people I know, and they say, yeah, I went to the doctor. Did you know him? No, never met him before.
Okay, well, he doesn't know anything about you and your medical history. This is going to be shit medicine at best.
You know, he's going to read a chart, read a number. He's going to prescribe something.
Yeah, maybe it'll get rid of it now, but it's just really not the way medicine should be practiced. But, you know.
Well, we get labeled as like woo-woo people because I think we take a lot of our personal health into our own hands. I mean, fortunately, we get to speak to so many people on the show that have different backgrounds in medicine.
And so we're getting these different opinions. But we're the first people to say, hey, pump the brakes, buddy.
We're going to kind of do our own research before we... You do have to be your own guru.
You have to take accountability for your own health. You can't just...
Totally. It's like...
Exactly. You'd be surprised.
I mean, maybe you wouldn't be surprised. So many people get so mad at us when we say, hey, just because you have a doctor doesn't mean you're right.
It's so easy to catch your doctor at being wrong at something. Not because he's trying, just because the facts are changing all the time.
Medicine is changing all the time. What they know, what they don't know, and you can't expect your doctor to know everything.
So, okay, no problem. But then don't give him these priestly-like powers.
We had a doctor here in LA when, you know, we live in Texas now, but when we lived in LA and we had a child, and this is like a personal story, but basically when the COVID vaccine came out, don't worry, doesn't affect kids, no harm for kids. They don't need to do anything.
This is so fucked. They get sick.
They're fine in a week. No problem.
A few months later, hey, you need to get your kid these vaccines if we get all these emails get your kid he told me to my face don't worry about it and if we didn't basically it was like you've got to be removed and we said hey pump the brakes buddy three months ago you were saying kids have no issues with this like why and I think like as parents a lot of people felt gaslit I don't go to that and they felt they felt disheartened because you were told one thing one moment and then a different thing in another moment. Yes, and this is where it gets super.
Now you can't trust people. Well, and it also gets where it gets super political because this kind of stuff, yeah, this is a far left thing.
Like vaccines are God's gift to the world. Let us not question anything about them.
You cannot do wrong by getting as many vaccines as we can pump out into as many people as we can find, including children. And that is just so stupid.
It is so unscientific. And it's just wrong.
I mean, diseases are different. The Spanish flu of 1918 killed young people.
Sure. If this thing had been the Spanish flu, I would have been very scared of it.
And I would have fought you for the vaccine. But this was different.
And kids, I mean, probably of all the collateral damage, and there is a lot to how we handled it, probably what we did to kids is the worst. Not just keeping them out of school.
Dr. Phil came on our show and said that we're going to see the repercussions of what we did to children for years and years to come.
I think we're seeing it now. I mean, they were stupid enough to begin with.
I mean, I don't know. How old are your kids? Four and two.
Four and two? Luckily, they were so young. Yeah, they're trying to give a four-year-old the COVID vaccine.
Well, our son got born in 2022, so he kind of missed a lot of that. But our daughter.
But anyways, we have a lot of friends that had kids that were pulled out of school or sat at home and had to learn on screens. You want kids off the screens already.
You know, even before COVID, I was speaking frequently as a vaccine skeptic and have paid the price.

But that was a left thing for a while. It was one of those issues where the far left said, enough of Bill Maher.
But don't you think, the left at one point were the ones that were the most skeptical of vaccines. Some of them, yes.
There was always those, the hippies, yes. But that wasn't a right issue.
It became that. It became completely political, whereas, yes, it is a little bifurcated because there is a division of the left hippie types who are anti-vax.
But the majority of the left viewpoint is always super safety. Like, we're the good people because we believe in the maximum amount of safety and what you have to do for safety.
And yes, if we put this in the car, this law that says a bing goes off if you leave your child in the backseat, which will cost everybody, I don't know, $2,000 more for every car they buy. We're good people.
As if that's a thing. You know, yes, people do leave kids in the backseat sometimes, usually because they intend to, which is how sick humanity is, or they're crackheads, and a little bing is not going to change it.
Anyway, that's always their thing, more safety. So more vaccines was better, always better.
And again, it's just not scientific. And you probably hurt your kids because, look, nobody knows the answer to this.

I was going to say before even COVID, I was always questioning this by saying, look, I don't know what causes cancer.

And I'm not saying it's vaccines, and I don't think it is.

But what we don't know is that it is some confluence of things we're doing to ourselves that we weren't doing 100 years ago when cancer rates were much lower. So is vaccine something that is in that mix if we actually could study this, along with electromagnetic energy and lots of other things that mercury and chemicals that weren't around before, plastics, a million things.
We just did an episode. God forbid you ask that question, though.
It's a legitimate question for which I don't have the answer, and neither do you. We just did an episode.
And neither do you. So if I'm going to have to make the choice between a vaccine or not, I'm going to go in general, I would rather trust my immune system as I have learned to treat it and nourish it as opposed to a vaccine.
But again, if it's the Spanish flu. Then it's different.
Was it on our show where we were just talking about how you do some form of intermittent fasting at times where you don't eat? That was another thing. My biggest problem was I trusted my immune system and my metabolic health at the time.
And I hated the idea that we were categorizing every single person of every single age group as the same. You totally don't need that vaccine.
I can tell by looking at you. Of course.
You don't need it either. Of course.
I can tell that with the naked eye. You don't need that vaccine.
And I'm sure there are people, oh, Bill, look at that, a comedian diagnosing two people. He's not a doctor, and he's saying you do it just with the naked eye.
Yeah, you know what? There's a small chance that couldn't be right, but everything is a small chance it couldn't be right. But actually, I'm right.
I can just look at you. I know your age.
I know I can see you're healthy. I've had many doctors say to me, usually I can tell when somebody walks into my office if they're healthy or not.
You literally wear it on your face. Now, there are things obviously that are more complicated than that, but you don't need the vaccine.
Other people did, and I'm glad they had it. It saved

millions of lives. I say that every time this comes up because I want the people to understand.

I'm not unreasonable about this. I get it.
But the lives it saved were mostly people

who had done to themselves ill health to begin with. Not all to themselves.
Yes, there's lots

of people of compromised situations, not their fault. We shouldn't even ask if it's their fault.
Doesn't matter. They should get life-saving treatment no matter what.
We all do shit to ourselves that hurts ourselves. We don't want to start down that road of, oh, you're a smoker, so you don't get to.
No, you know, we all are doing something, even if it's like stress or martinis or whatever, drugs. But, you know, if you're healthy and you don't need something, that's it.
That's all people like us are asking. And again, the irony is it's the most reasonable position, not the most unreasonable.
So you, you as somebody who has traditionally, I think, leaned, more modern, but leaned a little more on left during that period of time, what was it like when you started catching flack for speaking out like this? Famous with all these issues that the left has gone nuts about. I mean, it's the subject, basically, of the book I put out this year.
It's probably the subject of the special I'm going to do at the end of the year. I haven't changed.
I'm basically what I've always been, left of center, but not afraid to call out the bullshit that happens anywhere, including on the left. They just didn't used to be as crazy.
I noticed it. They do this all the time.
They do nutty shit. And then I notice it and they blame me.
Okay, it's not my fault. And I'm not going to hold my tongue when you do nutty shit.
And the response to COVID was nutty to my view. And it was driven.
I mean, look, part of it happened under Trump, but I mean, most of it was driven by the hypersensitivity, hyper-safetyism of the left. And again, always about the identity politics.
In this case, obese people. We could not mention that.
I mean, this is, again, a scientific situation. Let the science rule.
Isn't that what the liberals are always saying? Follow the science. Okay, the science told us who was vulnerable.
It would be like saying, well, you know, AIDS. We don't know who it attacks.
Well, we do. Gay men and intravenous drug users in America, that's not saying I'm against those groups.
I'm all for helping those groups or any groups that need our help medically. But that's just the scientific fact.
And if there's a certain specific segment of the population that's most vulnerable, we should protect them more and also inform them more and let the rest of us live our lives. You know? If I wasn't fat during COVID and I wasn't taking it up the ass during AIDS.
And that's my position. It's so funny.
You're pretty funny. Pretty? Jesus.
I can report he's very funny and he's wearing a very stylish outfit. The boots, the belts, the jeans.
If Trump walked in here right now. You're like my key.
You're like my obvious demographic. You know me, like me, watch me.
You don't know the fuck about me. Yeah, I...
But now you're going to get her... I'm into it.
...to more... No, I'm into it.
Good, that's why we're doing this. I love that.
I know what's so funny is... I love new people at my sex party.
She'll bring people on the show. I'll be there.
I saw a lot of baby oil. I'll teach people some techniques.
She brings a lot of people on our show, and I am in the boat where I'm like, what's going on here? And I can't watch her. They do until after I meet them.
And then, so I feel like now she's going to- No, I obviously know who Bill is. No, it's a know who Bill is.
I do. After 31 years, she knows who I am.
Yeah, hi, nice to meet you. Yeah.
I'm very excited to be on his show. I'm not very savvy with politics.
I'm not afraid to admit that. Which we're going to ask if Trump walked in what? I was going to ask you if Trump walked in right now, right here, and wanted to sit down, what's your energy? Would you do Club Random with him? Yeah, what's your energy? Yeah, you would do Club Random with him.
I think you would. Well, I get your advice on how to blow him and then do that.
Maybe that's the first anal experience.

I can't even.

Anyway, would you interview him?

Of course.

Have you ever interviewed him?

Did you see the tweet he sent out about me this week?

No, I didn't see it. No, but I'm sure it was me.

What do you say?

I'm not telling you.

I'm going to go look.

It's on Google.

Okay.

So you would interview him? I can't even. 100%.
He would or you wouldn't? He would. I can't even.
He would 100%. He just literally said the whole conversation, he's open to hearing other people's opinions.
He would 100% sit with him. That's the whole conversation.
You're right. He wants to hear both sides.
You're right. What are you wearing right now? Lip gloss here? Yeah.
This is the lip gloss I use. Every girl should get it.
It's great.

It's interesting that we had the blowjob discussion

and immediately you went to that thing. Every girl

should. You know what? I've been married for a long time.
I know the

secrets. One of them's lip gloss.

I wonder if I have a contact hire yet from this.

Why? Because it makes the lips

look glossy? It makes them plumpy

and wet. It smells good if you get

the right one. You're right.

I know.

I am right.

Listen, you tell me about politics, I'll tell you about blowjobs.

All right.

It's going to be a little lopsided.

I think I have a lot more ground to cover, but okay.

Let's start with the Declaration of Independence.

All right.

It's 1776.

Benjamin Franklin is already 92. My dad is not allowed to listen to this episode.
No. We're going to block it from his devices.
Why? What are we saying that's so bad? No, her dad's personal. Hi, Brad.
After you get married, I feel like all bets are off. All bets are off.
You're allowed to do anything. You're allowed to do it.
No, her dad sends me, it's funny, you know, like guys will send memes or pictures about it. Her dad sends me more wild shit than my friends.
Like of what? When he's looking at her ass. When he's out to dinner with the wife and he's looking at the ass.
Her dad's just sending me always the funniest shit. Who's looking at whose ass? When? What? Explain the meme.
Her dad just sends me wildly inappropriate memes all the time. Oh, really? You love it.
I think it's hilarious. We have that kind of relationship.
Oh, that's, yeah. Yeah.
Well, I came from my dad. Wildly inappropriate.
Right. And your dad did settle down at some point? He did settle down.
How long has that been now? It's been 20 years. Oh, wow.
He's around your age. Yeah, he's around your age.
And how old is the wife? The wife's younger, 15 years younger, I think. But listen, she's the one that said, I'm never...
Not a bad start. I'm never marrying you.
You're never going to get me. You wish.
Just like you. Yeah, it works.
Pamela Anderson says the way to get a guy is to tell them that you'll never marry them. They can't help it.
It's the truth. do find that amazingly attractive if some girl says i really am not like the chase married but it's not like we're it's not like because i'm chasing her i mean at my age i'm not chasing anybody i mean i i think i've earned it you got to chase me i mean i've done it for 50 years do you ever, though? No.
First of all, they wouldn't want me if I did. There's nothing less attractive.
I like to be pursued. I like to be a little...
Not at my age. You cannot do it at my age.
It's just wrong. I like to be hinted.
It's just wrong. I would never hit on a girl at my age.
If they hit on me, that's a different story. Okay.
But I would never hit on them. That's just wrong.
I would never hit on a guy. So you wait for the approach.
I'm not doing anything. I told you, I'm good.
Girls are taking notes. I'm good.
Okay, he's good. I'm good.
He's playing the old, I'm good, I'm not available. We're going to get the lowdown from you off here.
You're holding back on us. Yeah.
You're not telling us the full story. I told you right up front I'm holding back on you.

I don't want to talk about misphysic.

But you don't want to be a hot friend?

Bill, I just met you today, and you're asking me about anal,

and you're holding back on us.

I didn't.

Well, I did, I guess.

Well, I mean, come on.

You asked my wife about anal, Bill.

I have to tell you, I once had a distant relative who was married, like my second uncle or something, and he was married to somebody, and they worked together like you do in a furniture store. They got up in the morning and made breakfast together and then got in the car together and drove to the furniture store and worked all day in the furniture store together and then went home and then had dinner together and uh sounds like us we're not working we don't work in a fucking furniture store even as a child i thought wow it's a lot this let me tell you something i don't even like girls yet and i'm already tired one.
If I was selling couches with my wife, we wouldn't be sitting here. Right.
So, yeah, you only see each other when you do the podcast. We have our own businesses.
We come together to do the show. It's like a side hustle that we do together.
Coming together is so important. I also think I'm a big believer in ignoring your husband.
I do a lot of different tricks and tips where i just ignore him tricks and tips yeah like i'll decline his call i don't text back right away i'm unavailable like i still i don't notice this stuff though yes you do because you won't leave me alone oh my god you won't leave me alone he likes it it's like i just figured you're doing something has to constantly has to pursue. You'll have to interview me alone.

This goes under the category.

Because you're not dealing with it.

Well, definitely not.

You don't know.

But this goes under the category of.

Psychotic?

No.

We're just all different.

This is such a personal thing.

Yeah.

How we relate.

Which is why we should never judge.

No one judge me.

I don't judge you.

What works for you.

You know what?

When she's doing that, I'm just playing my video games. Being like, man, this is great.
Why is it so quiet in the house? That's such a lie. Like anything like that would never work for me because I would know it's contrived.
Yeah. It's not contrived.
I really am busy. I really am busy.
I'm doing my own thing. I'm running my business.
Sorry. But you say it turns him on.
Yeah. He likes it.
Okay, well, that sounds a little contrived to me.

A little manipulation never hurts.

Hey, you know what?

If whatever gets the flag up the pole.

I honestly just thought that it was really quiet in the house for a few hours.

Right.

And that, Bill, I do enjoy.

I have a little bit of a...

But like, yeah, that wouldn't work for but but i like to starve in with my presence starving i totally get because that's you know not to give away too much but that's a little bit of my secret starvation i would rather miss somebody for a period of time and then when i'm with them when i missed you. Hence why you don't really mean it.
This makes sense. Then be with them all the time and not be able to say that.
I always talk about this on our show. Absence is actually more important than presence.
And people don't seem to understand that with social media. They constantly think that they have to be present, but what it actually ends up doing is saturating.
But you guys live together with kids. You don't have absence.
I have absence. I have all different kinds of tricks on my screen.
No, but I think people look at us and I think, that's not real absence. We've been married for a long time.
Oh, I understand. No, I'm just saying.
I go away. But real absence is like absence.
No, we're not away from it. We're not apart from each other.
And again, whatever works. But I need real absence.
Microdosing absence. Yeah.
Well, that's why I don't microdose. I tried that once with acid.
I tried it with mushrooms. I was like, this sucks.
You'd be interesting on mushrooms. Oh, I've done mushrooms a zillion times.
I was like, when I microdose, I was like, this sucks. If you're going to do mushrooms, let's do them.
Oh, you like to do it full on. Let's go.
Yeah. I got it.
It's going hard. Yeah.
What is this finger fucking? And, you know, let's see the fucker go home. I mean, what? Right? That makes sense to me.
We've covered a lot of ground today. We've covered a lot of ground we sure have so so again when the no ever temptation to do anything like out of the box puff daddy ish like you know i'm not i'm not going to puff daddy ever did a threesome oh we've we've we've had micro experiences micro i don't know what that means here's the thing we've had all sorts of people come on the show and they talk.
We've had these open relationship people come on the show. No, we're not an open relationship.
And tell us how this is going to work. You shouldn't be.
It's stupid. And by the way, every single one of those people that's come on and said that, eight years have gone by since they've done their first, it's all ended in disaster for them.
It always does. And they come on and they- Nobody.
My line of that was that nobody's that hip. Yeah, nobody's that hip.
There are things that people think they can do. Uh-huh.
Like 69, no one can do that. But like...
Not well. Not well.
But like... You're not going to walk in on that and be like, man, that looks great.
Like, you know... Good form.
When you're like 30 or whatever age, you think you're so hot shit, you go through that phase where you do threesomes and you just realize it's, first of all, someone is always jealous. Yeah.
It's, like, you could know one woman in the threesome only 10 minutes longer than the other one, and she would be jealous. Yeah.
They call it a unicorn, though, if they're not jealous. Have you heard of a unicorn? Sure.
Yeah, but Damon told me about a unicorn. Oh, Damon.
Damon. Please.
You should have Damon in here. No, I shouldn't.
Yeah, it's pretty. I like him.
He's a sweet guy, but we don't need to be taking his advice on. I just think it's hard enough to manage two people's emotions.
I don't think he managed either his professional version of sex or the personal life that great to be taking advice. He said that there's something called a unicorn where it works.
This is his mouth, not mine. Let's talk to him in eight years.
Well, of course, everybody... Yeah, I agree with you.
Well, first of all, there is. No one's that hip.
There's always a unicorn for everything no one's that hip you're right i'm just saying like if i've never had one where the one person wasn't jealous because the second you look deep into somebody's eyes when you're fucking them which is the only way you should do it if you're doing it right they're going to be jealous the only way to make them not jealous is if you're fucking the other person and you're kind of like looking off board, you're playing with your phone. Then you'd be okay.
You should have a three-step expert. Oh, I didn't realize I was fucking her.
Then you'd be okay. Other than that, somebody's going to be jealous.
I can rationalize it in my brain, and I can see it going wrong in so many ways that it's just off the dinner menu for me, if that makes sense.

I can see it being exciting for a minute, and then a total train wreck right out. First of all, you and I are similar like that.
I go through, and I think about, it's not worth the problem. Be super into the one person you're doing.
It's not designed for three people. It's just, it's so funny now that we live in the age where everybody is non-binary and on the spectrum and gay and fluid and trans.
I'm like, yeah, but you know what? Whenever I'm like having actual sex and the penis goes in the vagina and it feels amazing to her and amazing to me, I'm thinking like, geez, it's almost like we were designed to do it this way. And like, even a threesome is like a violation of that.
It's like, yeah. I'd also like to think that I'm that manly, but I don't know.
I don't believe that I'm going to be that great in being able to go in both places. You're not.
You only have one dick. Yeah, I can't, you know, I don't have, men are not good multitaskers in general.
Oh, the worst. I'd rather dominate one than disappoint two.
Okay. I like that.
I bet you they're going to pull that clip. That's how you end the show.
That's the title of this episode. I'd rather dominate one than disappoint two.
That is the clip. That's the name of this episode.
Well, we don't name the episodes, but I know you're going to plug it

on your show. I will plug it on my show.

You've got to get everybody on your show

All the women. To watch this show.

Yeah. They should anyway.
They'd enjoy it.

Yeah. A lot of women.
A lot of millennial

women. I'll get them to come.
This is probably the

best thing you could do for your

phase one life. Yeah, I'm

scared of all the applications that you're going to get. I'm good.
No, I don't think he's good. Well, you might be better now.
I'm good. No, thank you for having us.
Thank you for being had. Yeah.
This is fun. I think I got a good contact.
I'm ready. Maybe I'll stay up past 11.
You guys don't smoke the wacky weed? I don't know how you smoke and you don't get high. You're like normal.
I don't? No. Jesus, what a disappointment.
I was feeling great. What do you mean I don't get high? If I smoked one hit of that.
That's you. I know.
That's you. That's your whole point of the episode.
Well, I mean, we are all different like that. You are all different.
There are things people do that I, like, people who can, like, rap rhymes off the top of their head or.

When I was in college, I tried.

It never, it never, it never hit right with me.

I couldn't.

And people would say, oh, you did it wrong.

It only works for about one third of the people.

Yeah.

It didn't, it didn't work.

It didn't.

I couldn't.

Every time I did it, I couldn't get.

And then they'd say, oh, you did too much or you did too little.

It only really agrees with about a third of the people.

But luckily it agrees with me on everything. That makes me want to eat.
Thank you for listening. Thank you very much.
Thank you. That was awesome.
So much fun. I want to take a selfie with you outside.
Alright. Is that okay?, what a cool setup you have down here.
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