The Skinny Confidential | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Speaker 1 How does Bill break up with someone? Like, what's your breakup?

Speaker 1 What's your monologue? Can you please give it to me?

Speaker 1 Saying, listen, we've run out of fuel. I can't.
I want to hear what you actually...

Speaker 1 You saw what happened the last time I tried it.

Speaker 1 But I have to tell you first,

Speaker 1 when you told me that I... Look good and you like my outfit, you made my day.
I did. Probably my week, maybe the month.
You did. I love the outfit.
The outfit's useful. I know, but I mean, it's great.

Speaker 1 Who doesn't like to hear that at my age? He looks hot. Right.

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 1 So funny, because whenever I think I'm like wearing something plain,

Speaker 1 that works better. And then when I try to do more, it works well.
Well, you don't want to, you don't want to be. I like plain stuff.
You don't want to have too many things going on. You know,

Speaker 1 you have to dress your age.

Speaker 1 I think that's one of the biggest tragedies is when guys start to age and then they try to, you know, they're dressing horrible. No, you got some swagger, too.
You got some style.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, like there's an old saying, don't let the old man in. And I have, you know, don't.
Just don't let him in.

Speaker 1 And look, not, we were talking about this on your show, whenever that was last week or at wink wink,

Speaker 1 when we were wearing the exact same

Speaker 1 like the golden bats were never changed. Yeah, exactly.
But, you know, I think not getting married. is what keeps me young anyway.
Because like marriage is, it's like a milestone.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like saying, well, well this part of my life is over not that that's bad and now I'm in this phase and then when you have kids you know you kind of trade your fun for theirs a lot and and you know it's the whereas like you could say I'm immature but like I'm always in phase one because I like phase one right

Speaker 1 you know I don't understand these couples when they they talk about you know they've been married a long time and they're like oh and and they reminisce about like the days when they first met and it's also like oh oh, and I was so nervous that I forgot to wash the dog the night we went out.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I thought he was cute when I saw him. But then he, I don't know, farted into a bag.
Whatever it is, they have all these memories. And then for the,

Speaker 1 and they kind of like, then are like living off those memories for like the next ever.

Speaker 1 Well, that's like, if it never happens again, this, this, this two-year period in their life, which they describe as like so wonderful. And so, and I'm like, yeah, I never want that to end.

Speaker 1 But the problem, I think, is when you stay in phase one after you've had a wife and kids and you're still trying to be. Well, that's not good.
No, you've got to think.

Speaker 1 No, you got to make the choice.

Speaker 1 I think a lot of people, though, if they were really brutally honest, would say that they're settling or they settled. Totally.

Speaker 1 And I'm sorry, that's a hard truth to swallow. But

Speaker 1 I talk to a lot of women on a daily basis because of our show. It's millennial women.
And a lot of them feel like they have settled. And that's just the truth.
And I don't know more about men.

Speaker 1 I mean, a lot of my guy friends tell me.

Speaker 1 But we talked about it on our show with you. It's like this thing where you feel it's something you're supposed to do.

Speaker 1 So you do it sometimes just because it's what you think you're supposed to do without actually thinking to yourself, hey, I'm going to be with this person for a very long period of time.

Speaker 1 And if you have kids, even if you separate, you're going to be. co-parenting for a very long time.
You guys have kids. Two kids.
We have two kids. We've known each other since we were 12.

Speaker 1 We have not been together that long. We dated out.
Had to do a couple of phase one activities for a while.

Speaker 1 I also had to do a couple of my own activities. But you know, but we've known each other for a long time.
We say to people. He wouldn't leave me alone.

Speaker 1 I don't want to say we're unique because there's a lot of people. I don't blame them.

Speaker 1 I mean, I thought she was a substitute teacher when I saw her. She came in fully developed.
I was 12 years old. I was like, does she look like this? I was like, I ignored him for about 15 years.

Speaker 1 He lined. Yeah.
She's hot.

Speaker 1 My question, it's always with married people. It's like, I look at her and like, take no disrespect.
I love it.

Speaker 1 Like, as just, let's not be coy.

Speaker 1 Like, I look at that, wow, that's hot. But you've seen it a billion times.
Can you see, can you still see

Speaker 1 that's one of the reasons I never got married is that it's very, and that's not. Oh, thanks for having me on the show.
It's just,

Speaker 1 it's not my fault.

Speaker 1 It's not your fault. It's the way we're designed.
It is.

Speaker 1 Robert Greene said that on her show. It's actually, it's human nature.
Like my, my lizard brain right now wants her more than yours does, probably.

Speaker 1 Because just because

Speaker 1 it's just the truth, because it's like, that's their lip. We can't, and it's because I never saw her before.
Yes. So I get what you're saying.
And people know, I mean, Dr.

Speaker 1 Joyce Brothers used to, you know who that is? She was this TV psychologist.

Speaker 1 Like, oh, forever. I guess she died maybe 10 years ago or something, but she was always on TV and, you know, every talk show.
And she was charming, not a comedian, but she was an expert.

Speaker 1 But she had a good sense of humor. And one of the things she used to always say was,

Speaker 1 when you see someone, you know within seven seconds if you want to have sex with them. Okay.
And I used to think, wow, you need seven?

Speaker 1 You know right away. It's just, it's innocent.
It's like, you know, eyes, skin, bone structure. you know, mate with that one, mate with that one, don't mate with that one.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's human nature, right? I don't know how to explain it, though.

Speaker 1 And I don't want to say we're unique because plenty of people are married and together for long periods of time, but we I think we have a better sex life today than we did when we were younger, hence maybe the kids.

Speaker 1 Awesome. I don't know what that, I mean, I think we've always, I mean, her dad caught us in the closet together when we were 12 years old.
I was trying to get a blowjob. 12.
12.

Speaker 1 I was trying to get a job. And he's good looking too.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's a very, you're a very good looking couple. Thank you.
You know, he's, he's a great looking guy. He is.
He's, I feel like you also have gotten hotter

Speaker 1 with age. But I feel like women, that

Speaker 1 doesn't

Speaker 1 affect women as much as men, you know,

Speaker 1 just it's just something about the DNA of wanting to spread the seed or something. The aesthetic sense.
Yes. And also, you know, women, it's not always just a physical.
No, it's got to be a brain.

Speaker 1 It's got to go through the brain. I got it.

Speaker 1 I have to be stimulated mentally. Of course.
If I'm not stimulated mentally, I don't care how hot.

Speaker 1 I would say that is one of the major red letter days in my life, turning point in my life, when fully realizing that, like, oh, it has to go through the brain.

Speaker 1 I know, you know, you're young and you're horny and the hormones are raging, so you just want to get right to it. And it's just never going to work.

Speaker 1 And of course, they're not going for it because that's not how women work. Unless, again, you're at the Puff Daddy party or you're one of those musicians who the groupies, you know, I'm telling you,

Speaker 1 there are guys who are just great looking. You must have had it happen where a girl just, you know, I mean, grabbed your Johnson.
It's like, well,

Speaker 1 it's not subtle. It's like.

Speaker 1 You must have a line of girls, though.

Speaker 1 Well, I never put them in a line.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, you must.
You haven't been struggling.

Speaker 1 I bet you you have a lot of girls who, because

Speaker 1 you are so intelligent that I bet you have a lot of options. We can call it.
Let me ask you this.

Speaker 1 Can you date or be with someone that even if they're super hot, can you spend a long period of time time with them if they're not intellectually? I was wondering that too.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm sure you can fuck them for a period of time, but can you spend a...

Speaker 1 Like if they're annoying or

Speaker 1 if they don't have a thought?

Speaker 1 At this age, annoying can never be anywhere near in the equation.

Speaker 1 Sex is great, but nothing is worth

Speaker 1 sketchy, worrisome, annoying. Now,

Speaker 1 dumb,

Speaker 1 that's not always a deal breaker. Okay.
Wait, wait. No, I take that back.
Ignorant. Ignorant and dumb are two different things.
Ignorant,

Speaker 1 you're never going to find someone who's way less years alive than you, who knows as much as you, because you learn something every day. Right.

Speaker 1 But smart, you can be smart and not know much because they don't teach anything in school. Yeah.
So, but someone who's smart and wants to know,

Speaker 1 nothing sexy. But my dad used to say.
And

Speaker 1 it makes for a wonderful relationship. He said, you can heal the sick and help the blind, but stupid's forever.

Speaker 1 So true. You know, you're stupid, you can't, stupid, you can't learn.
Ignorant just means you don't know something. And we're all ignorant of almost everything.

Speaker 1 I mean, there's infinite things you could know. Well, if you go on the internet, nobody's ignorant.

Speaker 1 With how busy you are and how much you have going on, though, how are you even meeting girls? Are they sliding into your DMs on Instagram? Like, what's the way to meet them? I'm not on Instagram.

Speaker 1 I'm not on on any social media. I've never done any dating or knowing

Speaker 1 anything.

Speaker 1 No apps.

Speaker 1 Well, I have.

Speaker 1 Do I have Instagram? Yeah. I have it.
Once in a while, I look at it and it's only dog doing crazy shit. That's all I have.
That's all they think I want. And apparently I liked one there.

Speaker 1 Back in the day when it was just pictures, I did follow a bunch of hot models because it was just like, oh, it's like Playboy on my phone. But then they changed it.
And I don't know.

Speaker 1 And somebody said, oh, they'll think you're trying to get with them. Really? If I just look at them? So I don't think I have maybe one or two or left.

Speaker 1 But mostly it's just dog things. I didn't even look at it.
I certainly have never communicated with anyone over Instagram. I wouldn't do it.

Speaker 1 I've seen people be embarrassed by it. I wouldn't go on a dating app.
First of all, I don't think you could ever

Speaker 1 know anybody through a screen. Can I trust what they look like first? And then even past that, to get to know somebody, you have to be right here.

Speaker 1 I have to be able to see your face, not through a screen. I have to see what those eyes do.

Speaker 1 That's why we won't do our show without being in person.

Speaker 1 We won't do the remote interviews because I can't.

Speaker 1 I won't either. I mean, once in a blue moon, I will do a

Speaker 1 satellite like with Netanyahu. Okay, that's, but yeah, we're not getting, we don't have that.
That's the prime minister of Israel. I was like, what?

Speaker 1 I don't know who that is. Good friend of Bankman Fried.
Okay, I'm learning from

Speaker 1 J for you today.

Speaker 1 Anyway, but other than that, I insist they all have to come because, first of all,

Speaker 1 with the delay, I'm a comic. I work on split-second timing.
You know, you have to have that in-person thing. And it's the same thing with

Speaker 1 mating.

Speaker 1 You know, you have to feel, you can feel it. There's femorons involved.
And you see people, like just the little movements in someone's face as you're talking.

Speaker 1 You don't even consciously know it, but it's communicating a million things. You can't do that through a screen.
And, you know,

Speaker 1 I missed a lot of the dating. I didn't have any of the dating apps thing, but I always

Speaker 1 find it funny. I have my friends that are on there and they go and they show up to meet someone.
And it's like,

Speaker 1 who are you? Like,

Speaker 1 that's not what the person, it's not the true representative of the person. Because there's filters and lighting.
There's filters and there's makeup. Blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1 And you're taking the best picture. And so all of a sudden you get there and you think you're getting something and then it's completely different.
Different.

Speaker 1 So why is the sex better? You said.

Speaker 1 Yeah, go back to the sex. I think the sex is better

Speaker 1 because,

Speaker 1 one, we're getting better at having sex with each other. Really? A lot of people don't think that, Michael.
A lot of people would say it gets stale and boring and it's the same old shit.

Speaker 1 But also, we're very open and talk about sex all the time. We actually have a sex business.
We've got to send you some stuff.

Speaker 1 You have a what? We have a sex business. We'll send you you some stuff.
It's a coconut oil lube. You can eat it, look it, suck it, fuck it.
And it's turned a massage into a blowjob.

Speaker 1 It was a little side journey we took on as we were experimenting in our own life.

Speaker 1 It turned a massage into a blowjob. Okay, you know how like when you get a massage from someone and it turns into sex or a blowjob, but like the massage oil.
Well, we got to. I do not know.

Speaker 1 Maybe this is why we've lasted a while. But like the massage, it goes into a blowjob or sex and you get all the oil everywhere.
You want the oil to be like

Speaker 1 edible. You want to be able to eat it.
I don't feel like I need a segue for blowjobs. You know, I feel like

Speaker 1 you're efficient with your time. Well, I mean, first of all, I mean, it's blowjobs are a little passive for my taste.
I mean, you don't like a blowjob.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't say I didn't like it, but it's never been the focus of my. I mean, a lot of guys are like, oh, if I could just get blown and go right to sleep or just get blown.

Speaker 1 I feel like you can resonate with that. That's not my thing, you know.
I like the reality. Yeah, I like.
It feels a little juvenile. Well, it's passive.
Like, whereas whereas fucking is

Speaker 1 I guess I'm a dominant type, you know, so it's hard to be anyway. If someone's listening, though, and they want to meet you, and they're this hot, beautiful lady, what's the matter?

Speaker 1 What do they want to do? What do they do? You have to get set up.

Speaker 1 Be smart enough to figure it out. Ah,

Speaker 1 smart enough to figure it out. But again, I'm good.
No, you're good. I'm good.
Your cup's full. Yeah, I'm not.
Look, I'm just,

Speaker 1 I'm just,

Speaker 1 again, I don't want to be specific. Well, I say again, that was on your show.
Now we're on my show. So I guess people didn't hear that.

Speaker 1 But they know. I like to keep my personal life close to the vest.
Well, that's because a lot of your life is so public, I think.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, nobody really gives a fuck about a 60-year-old man,

Speaker 1 except if I was doing something bad, which I'm not, or doing something scandalous. I mean, one thing I don't do.

Speaker 1 is go to high-profile restaurants with someone, you know who they would just immediately they would write, she's a gold digger and he's a cradle robber.

Speaker 1 Even though they know nothing about us, that would be the story because the press is not your friends, really. That's what they're looking to do.
So I don't need to give them that.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I also am over that phase of my life, the

Speaker 1 buying dinner, dating phase. That's just, it's like, come on, man.
Come in.

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Speaker 1 You know, let's just get Zin. I lived that life.

Speaker 1 You know, know, there's a dinner date. It's just an interview if you want to fuck somebody.
It's like, please. And I also live my life by one extremely important principle: sex before food.

Speaker 1 The rest of the world does it wrong. I used to do it wrong.
They have dinner and then they fuck. It's disgusting.
You're eating. Oh, I thought you meant like you don't eat.
Oh, you're right.

Speaker 1 You have to fuck and then eat. Both are better.
And then you're hungrier. You're hungrier.
You've earned it. You don't mind if you make your breath stink.

Speaker 1 That's not hanging out. You're right.
And also,

Speaker 1 it's terrible to

Speaker 1 eat first and then fuck. That's your stupidest thing.
Rebranding.

Speaker 1 You can never get me to do it again. I took it completely the wrong way.
I thought you were saying you would not buy someone dinner unless they fuck you first.

Speaker 1 I was not saying that at all.

Speaker 1 I was like, whoa.

Speaker 1 If I lie to you, you can have all my money. I've never been about money.
I got more than I can use. And I'm not interested in anyone who's interested in me for that.

Speaker 1 And if you're truly not, then you can have a lot of it.

Speaker 1 You know, just not a thing.

Speaker 1 But food and sex is.

Speaker 1 You cannot eat and then fuck. It's just disgusting and stupid.
And you should be light and

Speaker 1 clean when you have sex. And then when you're done,

Speaker 1 you're worked up this great appetite. The food tastes better.
You don't have have to worry about what it's doing to your breath. It's

Speaker 1 one of the greatest things I've learned on the streets.

Speaker 1 One of our friends made his girlfriend jalapeno peppers, and they ate them before they fucked. And

Speaker 1 her pussy was on the jalapeno oil on his fingers because he made the poppers.

Speaker 1 They ate before they fucked. That's what happens.
I thought I had a lot of people or stupid stories, but that one really

Speaker 1 laughed.

Speaker 1 I could have to put that in there. But she wasn't very happy.
Well,

Speaker 1 anytime you're using food, I think, in sex,

Speaker 1 you are barking up the wrong tree. If your sex life is somehow lacking,

Speaker 1 food is, you know, that's not the book that you're sticking under that leg of the couch that's going to make it sit up. It's just do something better.
I mean, food, food is...

Speaker 1 Food is, I don't like food in general. I mean, I eat, of course, and I, like anyone, like tasty food, but like I find myself going more and more hours into the day without eating.

Speaker 1 What time do you eat? Well, I get up about 11. Sometimes I don't eat till 5 or 6 because I have coffee, I have maybe a little snack here or there, but like basically as soon as you eat,

Speaker 1 that's where most of the energy of the body goes to is digestion.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 you know, you're just more alive. You're more alert.
You're more wiry. You know,

Speaker 1 food is a buzzkiller. It certainly kills,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 if you're stoned or drunk and you eat, yeah, now you killed it. Now you ruined that buzz.
You work so hard to get it. You're going to go to bed if you wake up at 11.
What's this?

Speaker 1 What time are you going to bed?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 I mean, I used to go to bed crazy late, and now I only go to the bed. Most typical of comedians, yeah? Yeah, totally, because, you know, we are in the clubs when we start out till late.

Speaker 1 I was always on a late clock. The fun happens at night.
I mean, it just, you know, it is just more fun than the day. Like the things you would do at night.
If you're in phase one.

Speaker 1 Which I have stayed in.

Speaker 1 If you're in phase one, you're that's right. Okay.
That's a good one in phase one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's why I always wanted to live right in the middle. I won't say exactly where we are in L.A., but it's one of those cities that's right in the middle because if you're married, yeah,

Speaker 1 you live in Malibu, you go to work in the city, and then you go home. You're at home for the night.
Like I would go to work. I'd come back.
I was like, yeah, but I'm going to go out again at 11. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So just getting started. Yeah.
So I know. I mean, I don't do that much anymore.
But yes, if somebody has, sometimes somebody has something at the last minute or it's, and it's usually in this area.

Speaker 1 And, or if it's not, you can get to the other areas because you're in the middle.

Speaker 1 I like that. Do you enjoy being friends with celebrities or are most of your friends not celebrities and comedian?

Speaker 1 Well, celebrity certainly doesn't determine one iota of how much someone is a friend of mine. I mean, I have

Speaker 1 one of the wonderful things I would say about getting to this point in life is that you have such a great collection of friends from all the different periods of your life.

Speaker 1 I have a couple of friends from childhood, couple from college, a couple from early, more than a couple probably from early stand-up days.

Speaker 1 And then people I've met from doing either politically incorrect or

Speaker 1 real-time over the years that have organically become friends. You don't want to push that on anyone as a talk show host.
You don't want to the first time, hey, let's exchange numbers. No.

Speaker 1 But over time, it just happens. So that's a wonderful thing.
And so some of them are celebrities and some of them are not. I mean, but they would all get along because they all think I'm great.

Speaker 1 So, you know, they have that in common. And so they must have good taste.
Who's the coolest off air? Like out of all the people that you know, who's the absolute coolest?

Speaker 1 That's such a great question that I'm not going to answer because whoever I didn't say would be so pissed. I think you would say Rogan because one of them was not.
Oh.

Speaker 1 First of all, I don't know him off air. Oh, because you only know him.

Speaker 1 But you guys have a good rapport. I can't believe that.
I have good comrades with everybody I talk to.

Speaker 1 I really do. I mean,

Speaker 1 I like Joe a lot. Do we agree on everything? No, he's going to vote for Trump, which I think is insane, but you know, that's him.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's you, and it doesn't

Speaker 1 make me like you one bit less.

Speaker 1 I and I was having this argument with a very famous close friend of mine last night who believes you cannot, he would not be friends with someone who votes for Trump. And I am like not on that page.

Speaker 1 We had somebody on the show the other day, and one of the things they said to me is, well, think about how many miserable liberal people, you know, and my response was, think about how many miserable conservative people.

Speaker 1 I just think this whole idea of like you have you have to base your friendship and your ideas on a side is so foreign to it. I hate it too.

Speaker 1 And we get so much shit on our show for having everybody from every different thought process on the show.

Speaker 1 And like for Lauren and I, I can't imagine being put in a position where I have to decide who I'm going to be friends with based on their political ideology. I just think it's insane.

Speaker 1 Some people will say, well, these people are actually harming people's lives and whatever issue that is. And they'll take it that far.
But I just don't see it that way.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's not untrue. I mean, this person was saying, you know, Trump,

Speaker 1 you know, he's racist and this thing with the Haitians.

Speaker 1 It's like, yeah, it is. That's not untrue, but it's also way more complicated than that.

Speaker 1 I mean, the Muslim mayor of that town, Hamtrack in Michigan, the, I think, only Muslim-majority town in America, endorsed Trump.

Speaker 1 The guy who asked for a Muslim ban.

Speaker 1 So there's nuance. Yeah, there's nuance.
It's just, it's so much more complicated. And also,

Speaker 1 like,

Speaker 1 I know some of the people that this friend of mine that I was talking to know, that we have in common, who are Trumpers.

Speaker 1 And I was like, really? You mean

Speaker 1 you don't want to be friends with that guy anymore?

Speaker 1 And the answer is usually, oh, well. You know, it just really gives you pause.
Like,

Speaker 1 really, I mean, maybe he's not your best friend of the world, but we have to cut off.

Speaker 1 And even if it was, if you thought you had the moral high ground, which you don't, it's just counterproductive because you're going to have to talk to these people anyway.

Speaker 1 It's half the country, and they're not going away. They're not self-deporting.

Speaker 1 They're probably not going to change their views on a lot of stuff unless you talk to them. They're certainly not going to change at all if you don't talk to them.
That much I can guarantee.

Speaker 1 We We talked about this on our show a little bit. I said, you know, how we're basically 9-11 happened our freshman year of high school.
We were young.

Speaker 1 And I think our generation has watched a lot of, honestly, my opinion, a lot of warmongering for the last 20 years. And I said, like, it's hard to even distinguish which side is which and what.

Speaker 1 Like, there's people on the left now that are fans of Dick Cheney. Like, if you would have told me people on the left would have been...
And his daughter. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that to me, like, it's so the line, like, the extremes have gone so far, you don't even, I can't recognize which is the one that's. The is the same we were talking about on that other show,

Speaker 1 yours that we were doing. You know, as soon as Bobby Kennedy said processed foods were bad, suddenly we all switched teams on that one.
It's just amazing the way they will switch teams on a dime.

Speaker 1 And it's just, it's, first of all, it's kind of childish. I know you think you're the you're the

Speaker 1 sophisticated ones. It's not really sophisticated to only see,

Speaker 1 you know, your team, who's on your team, what can, what can I, what can I learn that supports my team or what I already know already.

Speaker 1 It's just not interesting to me. First of all, you're boring me.
Boring. Bore me.

Speaker 1 Speaking of that,

Speaker 1 let's get more specific about what it is you're doing to each other that makes the sex better. Like specifically.
I want to know

Speaker 1 specifically. I don't want to hear about the folks.

Speaker 1 Everything was on the table.

Speaker 1 Wait, can I say what, like, can I just let it rip? You're 30-somethings, right? I think that

Speaker 1 you got it. You're doing it since you're 12 in the closet.
I think that I

Speaker 1 am very comfortable

Speaker 1 with my sexuality. And I think that that makes it a lot.
As women get in their 30s. Yeah, I've been comfortable since I was 12.
But yes. Ask my husband.
Oh, come on. There must have been a...

Speaker 1 No, she's been, she's always. I just, I grew up pretty.

Speaker 1 What I would say is Lauren has always been open to all possibilities.

Speaker 1 What a nice way to say anal.

Speaker 1 No, that's not really my cup of tea. Here's what it is.
My need. I think we're...
Which never did it, never will.

Speaker 1 That's not my thing. That's not my thing.

Speaker 1 Never did it in the naughty place.

Speaker 1 Never, you never have? No. Ever.
No, no need.

Speaker 1 No desire.

Speaker 1 It's just not my thing. It's not my thing either, but I just, but I'm surprised that it.
Each its own. I have friends that love it.
That's not what.

Speaker 1 When you said Lauren was open to anything, that does that.

Speaker 1 I was not alluding to anal. No, that's actually not our thing, but I'm surprised in 63 years.
68. 68.
Oh, 68. Okay.
Oh, no. That never once.
I mean,

Speaker 1 no, I mean, I never wanted to imagine eating before anal. They were always eating before anal.
We're not putting that thing in. Woof.

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 Too much food before anal. That's not.
No, no, no. Wow, that's another

Speaker 1 disgusting.

Speaker 1 I think we talk to a lot of people. It's so funny doing like the show that we've done for so long.
And people get so squeamish around the topic of sex.

Speaker 1 And you realize that most people are probably not having a great time in the bedroom because they're so uncomfortable even talking about sex, let alone the act of having sex.

Speaker 1 Most people are just not, they're not comfortable talking about it. They're not comfortable doing it.
They won't talk about it with their partner. They won't tell people what they really want.

Speaker 1 Lauren and I talk a lot about, you know, what's on both of our minds and what we both want. And I think

Speaker 1 does it for me

Speaker 1 it's kind of like saying to somebody you know my birthday's tomorrow yeah i get what he's saying

Speaker 1 you know but i think and then when they

Speaker 1 well of course i told you you know

Speaker 1 when you're in the act you can ask for something

Speaker 1 yeah i should be better at that i don't i i am not good at that you bought a ask like what if you want something and someone not if they know what they're not well maybe even even better if you didn't have to but you might even better that's why the sex gets better than you asked me earlier why the sex gets better because that's how you know who's the one yeah you don't have to ask you don't have to ask

Speaker 1 once you ask it's kind of over yeah well happy birthday

Speaker 1 you know i'm turning 33 today

Speaker 1 sex as you go on in a relationship can get very tricky if you're not evolving the sex i think the sex has to evolve but you keep avoiding the question like you say you got better at it yeah what are you actually doing no you get it like what

Speaker 1 you get better at it because one, to your point, you don't have to ask for the things you like as much because the person knows and you know your body. What are these things?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Michael, what are the things? What are these things? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't have to, I don't know how to say that. Michael,

Speaker 1 you'll have your balls grabbed.

Speaker 1 There you go. Now we're talking.
What are the things? What are the things? We talked about it on our podcast. I don't know why you're being gunshotted.

Speaker 1 Well, your dad's going to listen to this at some point.

Speaker 1 Your dad's a big fan, by the way. He's going to listen.
Yeah, my dad's going to listen to this episode. That's okay, though.
My dad encouraged openness.

Speaker 1 I think that that's important to not make it weird. Your dad didn't want his balls cracked, please.
Yeah. Yeah, your dad wanted his balls a couple of corners.
My dad had a couple of girlfriends.

Speaker 1 That's from what I hear. My dad lived a life like you when I was young.
So I saw a lot of different

Speaker 1 situations. Yeah.
But tell me about that. What do you mean? I saw a lot of this.
My parents separated. My parents separated, and I saw a lot of different women coming in and out.

Speaker 1 And I saw the woman that ended up getting him compared to the women that didn't. What was the difference? It's basically essentially what you said is that

Speaker 1 she was like, I'm never going to marry you and I don't like you. And he was obsessed with her.
Whereas the other ones leaned in with sort of like a desperate energy. And I think that

Speaker 1 it was very interesting as a young child to see that experiment done in front of my face because even some ones that were so hot and even smart, they didn't know how to sort of play and finesse the game.

Speaker 1 And that's how you got him oh yeah i got you i i ignored you for 15 years that's true yeah wow that

Speaker 1 that is a slow burn it was a slow burn it was a slow burn like i said i had to do a couple phase one side missions from you had a lot of you had a lot of a lot of that's ever actually worked out better it's way better because we went away you'd be so much more tired of each other oh no that wouldn't have been good that would have been that would have been sufficient i also think we like

Speaker 1 at the end of the day this is like a weird thing to say but what yeah we're we're also, this is maybe gonna sound cheesy, but we're so close. We're best friends.

Speaker 1 And it's like, and I know that sounds weird in a sexual connotation, but it doesn't sound weird. It's what everybody says.
I never get it.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's that we're best friends. I think that I actually and you actually, we like being around each other.
That's the thing. You also said something else.

Speaker 1 There are a lot of people don't like. There's pheromones that are important.

Speaker 1 There's something that, like, listen, I've been with a lot of other women and

Speaker 1 I never took any of it very seriously. I didn't have that pheromone.

Speaker 1 They were like, yeah, we had fun and all that, but there was never that kind of real connection where you, where it was going to be something long chemistry.

Speaker 1 Like you just felt like, okay, this is a thing you're doing for a small period of time. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm not going to, again, divulge my life, but let's hypothetically say there was one girl who I'm insanely in love with. Like,

Speaker 1 I would say to her,

Speaker 1 I think, I like you. It's so much sexier than I love you.

Speaker 1 Way sexier. Not that i love you isn't appropriate and and i of course we want love and i it's not a very sexy thing to say but

Speaker 1 when i say i like you uh-huh it's just like so much realer and it's just sexier and it's like you can love somebody and not like them anymore and people get there and that's the secret keep the like alive people say keep the love alive

Speaker 1 Love, you know, at a certain point,

Speaker 1 it starts to pass into codependency and lots of other things that maybe are sort of wearing the cloak of love but I'm not sure they are but like

Speaker 1 like has to be real like

Speaker 1 you know you asked me before like have I gone out with girls who are dumber

Speaker 1 quite a few you know

Speaker 1 now when I was younger would I actually be stupid enough to make them my girlfriend? Yes.

Speaker 1 Because when I was 25, it was just about, oh, she's good looking. I could be with her.

Speaker 1 You know, that ended a long time ago. But you could have a nice relationship with someone who's not your intellectual peer.

Speaker 1 As you get older, that's not going to happen anyway. But, you know, that's not love.

Speaker 1 And love, I've learned more from

Speaker 1 relationships that had ended.

Speaker 1 Meaning you missed them after? Like, no, meaning like I helped them after.

Speaker 1 Like I was there for them.

Speaker 1 Like if they needed me, and sometimes they did. Because like the love stayed, you know.
You just didn't like them that much anymore. I totally like them.
But, you know, when.

Speaker 1 So there's never been one that's come close where you're like, I could see myself with this one. I went to this girl.
This is

Speaker 1 women will like this because the arrow goes right through me on this story. But

Speaker 1 this kind of subject was afoot. And I said, you know, it's like the relationship is the plane and the sex is the fuel.

Speaker 1 The plane runs out of fuel.

Speaker 1 The plane crashes. And you know what she said? She said, through tears, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, my fuel is love.

Speaker 1 It's like, boom, okay.

Speaker 1 You got that. You got that one.
We don't need to throw the red flag. Men and women are different.
Men and women are different. They are different.
Sometimes they win.

Speaker 1 Sounds like a different type of thing. The like like is very important.

Speaker 1 That is, well, that is why we've been together so long, though. Everyone asks what the trick is.
We like each other. It's not about very important.
It's so important.

Speaker 1 I mean, we go out to parties and dinners and stuff, and we, we like,

Speaker 1 I don't have to go on the guys' trips and the boys. I'll do those things, but I'm not trying to escape my.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Like, I see a lot of these guys like, it's a golf trip. Well, that's like, it's not, it's if you're at that point.
But

Speaker 1 to me, is the biggest problem with lots of relationships is that it gets to a point where the guys, when they're talking real, they talk to the guys.

Speaker 1 And the women, when they're talking real, talk to each other.

Speaker 1 And the couple doesn't really talk to each other about real shit. You know,

Speaker 1 there's this myth that the more you get to know each other, the more intimate. No, actually, the less.
Because there's more things that have built up over the years, more little fights you had,

Speaker 1 more

Speaker 1 little things that would trigger somebody, you know, a memory of something bad. God forbid, you ever actually had a cheating scandal, and people try to get over that as if she ever forgets it.

Speaker 1 You know, all these little landmines,

Speaker 1 all these little landmines, these eggshells that you're constantly walking around.

Speaker 1 That to me is not a relationship. I mean, a relationship is like, I don't want to ever walk on any eggshells.
You know,

Speaker 1 there's nothing I can say that will make the person,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 make me feel bad about it because it's honest and real. And if you have real love, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know. And

Speaker 1 yeah, I guess that's rare. But

Speaker 1 people just live these eggshelly lives that

Speaker 1 we're very careful to give relationship advice, even with the platform we have to people, because I understand to your point how it's rare and everyone's circumstances are different.

Speaker 1 And I don't ever want to think that our situation is the same as somebody else's situation.

Speaker 1 And my dad used to tell me when he's like, you never give anybody relationship advice because you tell somebody, hey, Bill, you need to be with this girl the rest of your life or whether or not she ruins your life.

Speaker 1 I've just ruined your life. Or you say, hey, Bill, you need to break up with this girl.
And it was the love of your life. And I've also ruined it.

Speaker 1 It's just too difficult to tell people what to do. You can't win as the outside advisor.
No,

Speaker 1 you can't win in a lot of those kind of situations. You definitely can't win like when you're breaking up with someone.
No matter what you do,

Speaker 1 they will say you handled it wrong. What they just want to yell at.
How does Bill break up with someone? Like, what's your breakup?

Speaker 1 What's your monologue?

Speaker 1 Can you please give it to me? Like, pretend you're not. You're saying, listen, we've run out of fuel.
I can't. I want to hear what you actually.

Speaker 1 You saw what happened the last time I tried it. How do you break up with someone? I got crazy shot down by the greatest line ever.
Yeah, that's a good one. Sit her down.
My fuel is love.

Speaker 1 I mean, talk about a Trump card.

Speaker 1 Talk about a mic drop like a fuck you. What do you say? Maleness.
What's your woman's crying in front of you? I wouldn't even try after that. I would just, I mean.
No, I mean, it's not an issue.

Speaker 1 First of all,

Speaker 1 here's the most important thing at any age is total honesty. If you're totally honest from the get-go.

Speaker 1 I'm 68. Nobody thinks we're going down the primrose path.

Speaker 1 I love being, whenever I got, I don't don't know, late 50s, to a point where it was like sort of unrealistic that we would start on the path, it was like, thank you, Jesus.

Speaker 1 My whole life, I've been looking for the excuse for what I wanted my whole life, which is to stay a bachelor, to stay single. It wasn't easy.
It wasn't easy.

Speaker 1 But at this point, you're saying it's like, it's not. He's thinking

Speaker 1 about it. I haven't really had an excuse.
I don't have to make it up. It's actually amazing.
He doesn't have to worry about it.

Speaker 1 I could just say, if I got you pregnant tomorrow, I'd be 85 when the kid got out of high school. Is that what you want? Yeah.
And discussion over.

Speaker 1 But I mean, look, the great thing about young girls is that they don't want it either. We're at the exact same place, oddly, at different ends of the spectrum.
Like, they're not looking for.

Speaker 1 So what's the tip of the girl? And

Speaker 1 they're so just over. The guys, their age are so horrible.
Oh, I don't blame them. They're so horrible.
I hear nothing but the complaints about these. They don't know how to talk to a girl.

Speaker 1 They're pussies. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They

Speaker 1 grew up on the phone and porn, so they think anal is like first base and choking is second.

Speaker 1 We're the last.

Speaker 1 I could be a thousand years old and it would be better than talking to that douchebag. Do you know what's funny?

Speaker 1 This is why, though, I just said on our show, I would never be married if it wasn't for Michael because of what you're saying. This is this is the kind of that's you know, you know what's funny, Bill?

Speaker 1 We're closer,

Speaker 1 it's slim pickens, we're closer in age to the people you're describing than to you, but we probably relate more to you because we were the last generation to have to not have phones.

Speaker 1 Like, we didn't, we didn't get one of these with social media until we got out of college. That is a key difference.
So, you're right.

Speaker 1 I went through college, high school, middle school as you did, basically. Right.

Speaker 1 You know, and it's funny, we have younger siblings, and they grew up with nothing but this, the dating apps, the social media, like we didn't have any of this.

Speaker 1 And so we had to go through normal interactions.

Speaker 1 But from a relatability standpoint, I think a lot of older cus millennials actually relate less to the age younger and more to the.

Speaker 1 That is the key demarcation. It's the technology.
That's when is when

Speaker 1 people grew up with it as an appendage. as they never knew anything different.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, we, like I said,

Speaker 1 I remember you had to go outside, you had to play you. When I, when you would find a girl, you would have, like, there was one girl.
There wasn't, you didn't have endless supply of snakes.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what it is for me. It's made people lazy and it's made men that are my age lazy.

Speaker 1 And the problem for me isn't the porn or the anal or the no to conversation, but it's, it's the laziness and it's the lack of discipline and the distraction of the phone. It's a turn off.

Speaker 1 It's not multifaceted. It's not interesting.
There's not, it's not different layers. It's just boring.

Speaker 1 I couldn't agree. I'm fucking lazy.
I could not agree more. Although to Duanal, I do think there does take some discipline

Speaker 1 and some planning. Yeah, and definitely they can't go to dinner first.

Speaker 1 I do not plan to do. Yeah.
But yes, it's,

Speaker 1 yeah. I guess there's something going on in there.
that uh but i look at uh that like heroin like it's the one drug i never did Maybe it's that great. I don't want to know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm kind of good with what I have. Maybe it would be worse if I found something that made me feel that good.
Well, the way I think about it is getting fucked in the ass while I'm on heroin.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you could try it as a last hurrah.

Speaker 1 That could be the last.

Speaker 1 That's what you're going to need.

Speaker 1 If you wanted to do like a blackout show, that's your last show.

Speaker 1 That might be kind of

Speaker 1 the way to go out. Yeah, kind of a soprano's ending.
Yeah. But me on heroin getting fucked in the ass.

Speaker 1 Pull that clip. So we'll pull that clip.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 you're never tempted to do anything like

Speaker 1 out of the box to keep the spark alive.

Speaker 1 Sure, we do out of the box. No, but

Speaker 1 what do you consider out of the box? No, I mean, like, is it going to show you? Because, like, girls and guys think of that differently. I remember one time, listen to this.
I'm on a...

Speaker 1 plane and I'm going somewhere and I'm meeting this girl in,

Speaker 1 I didn't want to say the city, but a sexy city. And she's like, oh, you know,

Speaker 1 when we get there, it's blood, this, and that, all the sexy.

Speaker 1 And I knew, I mean, it was just rose petals on the floor. Yeah.
You know, like, but if I was younger, when she had done it, I would have thought, oh, great.

Speaker 1 She's bringing a girl, gonna have a threesome. No, that's what the guy thinks.
It's like, we found a lot of threes.

Speaker 1 There was candles and rose petals leading to the bird.

Speaker 1 But with the younger girls that you're dating, they've got, I feel like they are suggesting threesomes. No,

Speaker 1 well, first of all, dating, please. I spend all my time on improving America.
I don't have time. Okay, what do you want to say? I just want to go to dating or anything.
What about all those?

Speaker 1 There was that line of women when we walked in.

Speaker 1 They are never in a line.

Speaker 1 I feel that's wrong, and we don't call them extras. Okay.
We call them background. No, we don't use that term anymore.
They're midgets. Wait, that's wrong, too.
I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got to be careful what you use nowadays.

Speaker 1 Is there anything that you've said that's taken you close to the edge where you're like, ooh, maybe that one's like I shouldn't have said. Yeah.
Or I've been fired, bro. No, I know.
Are you kidding?

Speaker 1 I was thrown off the ABC Disney network. But at the time, did you think? I don't know that Disney's the right match.
Yeah, I wouldn't. I mean,

Speaker 1 you know, they saw it as defending the terrorists, which I don't know. Something bothered people about that.
But, you know,

Speaker 1 look

Speaker 1 if I started to pull my punches I would lose the bond I have with my audience which is the key thing in my life and what gives me what I have everything I mean that's how I got these pool cues I mean everything came from that so well you know it's funny is like I run my day job is I run a media business that produces a lot of shows and I always do I always tell people I said listen If you want to play the safe middle where you don't really say anything, you don't really share how you feel, like I, if I'm bringing my executive out, I watch the numbers on people that do that, and it, it's, it's just like nobody cares.

Speaker 1 It's boring, it's, it's vanilla. Yeah.
And those

Speaker 1 are also successful. There are many of them.
To a degree. Yeah.
I mean,

Speaker 1 in ways that I am not.

Speaker 1 But I don't wish I was them.

Speaker 1 But yeah, you can be very successful not offending people.

Speaker 1 Honesty is something that people say they want. and not a giant majority want that.

Speaker 1 Yes, there is a great audience, and I think it's a much more sophisticated and better audience that wants honesty and likes that, but it is not

Speaker 1 everybody. I know some people very, very close to me who don't want that.
They just want to hear what their team already believes and says. They do not want anything

Speaker 1 entering their headspace that makes them question this Manichaean one side versus the other world we live in. They're on the good team.
There's this bad team. There's no difference in between.

Speaker 1 One side lies. One side always tells the truth.
It's wrong. It's bullshit.
But that's it.

Speaker 1 For some people, nuance equals nervous.

Speaker 1 You don't want nuance. But it's to your point earlier, it seems like a lack of intelligence to not continue to question and

Speaker 1 to be so fixated on just your side.

Speaker 1 It's not smart.

Speaker 1 I believe that completely.

Speaker 1 I could sign my name to that statement. You can't hear any other one's opinion.
But

Speaker 1 it's not that simple.

Speaker 1 It's very similar to the question I asked when I made my religious movie, Religilist. that like how my question wasn't you know uh am i going to find my spirituality or am I really an atheist?

Speaker 1 That I knew already. It was how can so many people who are otherwise super intelligent

Speaker 1 believe in the bullshit that religion tells them? How can you be a scientist and believe in the virgin birth?

Speaker 1 And so my point is that it's just never that simple. It's tempting to say, oh, you people are just stupid because you don't get it.

Speaker 1 They're not stupid.

Speaker 1 They just perceive reality differently and everybody has gaps. I mean, I feel, because I'm me in my head, I don't have those gaps, but maybe I do.

Speaker 1 I feel I can easily see the gaps in their logic.

Speaker 1 But, you know, I don't know. Francis Collins is head of the

Speaker 1 National Institutes of Health, brilliant man. I think he helped on mapping the human genome.

Speaker 1 Christian

Speaker 1 believes that God flew down like a dove and fucked a Palestinian girl named Mary and

Speaker 1 that she had this boy Jesus

Speaker 1 who walked on water and

Speaker 1 raised the dead back and then he came back to life.

Speaker 1 I can't explain that. And while we're still on this earth, unless AI takes over, maybe maybe our brain soon,

Speaker 1 the people will always be that complicated.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I think people, like I was listening to somebody talk about this, and he was a guy that was basically saying he's had,

Speaker 1 there's so many forces stacked against you in life that at some point,

Speaker 1 humans inherently have to start looking to some kind of higher power just to get through the bullshit and the odds that are already stacked against you.

Speaker 1 So I think a lot of people look to spirituality or religion or somebody, one, for that extra push, but also just for answers as to how does this all i mean some people thinks there's a simulation some people thinks there's a heaven and some hell there's there's so many there's so many different things that people think but i think nobody's done a good job of answering and that's very analogous next very analogous to our discussion earlier about medicine uh doctors are a priesthood

Speaker 1 people are scared when they go to the doctor. Medicine is about your mortality.

Speaker 1 And you want to believe, not me, I want to head a little differently, and I think you do, but lots of people want to believe there is this one man, my doctor, who has the answer.

Speaker 1 You're right, it's godlike. And

Speaker 1 it's just easier. Like, I've kept a detailed log

Speaker 1 of every health event I've ever had. Really? Since 1975, when I was 19.

Speaker 1 Give me an example of what would be in that log.

Speaker 1 Anything that ever, like any medicine I started to take, any, you know, just if I, you know.

Speaker 1 Did you say like I've had a bout of headaches these last three weeks? Or

Speaker 1 cut my toe or, you know, unfortunately the law gets more fulsome as the years go by because when you're younger.

Speaker 1 Does that not make you more like neurotic? You know, I could look up. Did I ever have a urinary tract infection? Oh, yeah, I see.
Here it is. I was 28.
That time I

Speaker 1 had sex. in Phoenix with that waitress and then fell asleep.
Are you sure it was a waitress? With the condom on or whatever it was, like stupid shit. Just hanging there like a loose saw.

Speaker 1 You know, yeah. I mean, I could tell you how many antibiotics I took.
That's important.

Speaker 1 You want to be.

Speaker 1 And so you track that so that when you go to a medical professional, you can say, this is the history, as opposed to just going to a guy. I could send it to him.
A lot of them don't care.

Speaker 1 Well, not the ones I would be with. Yeah.
That's what I was saying before. Yes.

Speaker 1 If you're just in some sort of co-op or something, because I hear these stories from younger people I know, and they say yeah i went to the doctor did you know him no never met him before okay well he doesn't know anything about you and your medical history this is going to be shit medicine at best you know he's going to read a chart read a number he's going to prescribe something yeah maybe it'll get rid of it now but it's just really not the way medicine should be practiced but you know well we get labeled as like woo-woo people but that because i think we take a lot of our personal health into our own hands.

Speaker 1 I mean, fortunately, we get to speak to so many people on the show that have different backgrounds in medicine. And so we're getting these different opinions.

Speaker 1 But we're the first people to say, hey, pump the brakes, buddy. We're going to kind of do our own research before we...

Speaker 1 You do have to be your own guru. You have to take accountability for your own health.
You can't. Totally.
It's like. Exactly.
And you'd be surprised. I mean, maybe you wouldn't be surprised.

Speaker 1 So many people get so mad at us when we say, hey, just because you have a doctor doesn't mean it's. It's so easy to catch your doctor at being wrong at something.
Not because he's trying, just because

Speaker 1 the facts are changing all the time. Medicine is changing all the time.
What they know,

Speaker 1 what they don't know. And, you know, you can't expect your doctor to know everything.

Speaker 1 So, okay,

Speaker 1 no problem. But then don't give him these priestly-like powers.

Speaker 1 We had a doctor here in L.A.

Speaker 1 when, you know, we live in Texas now, but when we lived in LA and we had a child, and this is like a personal story, but basically when the COVID vaccine came out, don't worry, it doesn't affect kids, no harm for kids.

Speaker 1 They don't need to do anything.

Speaker 1 They get sick. They're fine in a week.
No problem.

Speaker 1 A few months later, hey, you need to get your kid these vaccines. And we get all these emails.
Get your kid. We

Speaker 1 told me to my face. And if we didn't, basically, it was like, you've got to be removed.
And we and we said, hey, pump the brakes, buddy. Three months ago, you're saying kids have no issues with this.

Speaker 1 Like, why? It's. And I think like as parents, a lot of people felt ghastly.
They knew And they felt

Speaker 1 they felt disheartened because you were told one thing one moment and then a different thing at another moment. Yes, and this is where it gets now.
You can't trust people.

Speaker 1 Well, and it also gets where it gets super political

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 this kind of stuff,

Speaker 1 yeah, this is a far-left thing.

Speaker 1 Like, vaccines are God's gift to the world. Let us not question anything about them.

Speaker 1 You cannot do wrong by getting as many vaccines as we can pump out into as many people as we can find, including children.

Speaker 1 And that is just so stupid. It is so unscientific, and it's just wrong.
I mean, diseases are different. The Spanish flu of 1918 killed young people.
Sure.

Speaker 1 If this thing had been the Spanish flu,

Speaker 1 I would have been very scared of it.

Speaker 1 And I would have fought you for the vaccine.

Speaker 1 But this was different.

Speaker 1 And kids, I mean, probably of all the collateral damage, and there is a lot to how we handled it, probably what we did to kids is the worst, not just keeping them out of school. Dr.

Speaker 1 Phil came on our show and said that we're going to see the repercussions of what we did to children for years.

Speaker 1 I think we're seeing it now.

Speaker 1 I mean, they were stupid enough

Speaker 1 to begin with. I mean, I don't know how old, how old are your kids? Four and two.
So they

Speaker 1 luckily, they were so young. Yeah, they're trying to give a four-year-old the COVID vaccine.
Well, our son got born in 2022, so he kind of missed a lot of that.

Speaker 1 But our daughter, but anyways, there's, we have a lot of friends that had kids that were pulled out of school or set at home and had to learn on screens.

Speaker 1 And all, I mean, we want kids off the screens already. No, even before COVID, I was speaking frequently as a vaccine skeptic and have paid the price.
But that was a left issue.

Speaker 1 This is one of those issues where the far left said, enough of Bill Maher.

Speaker 1 But don't you think

Speaker 1 the left at one point were the ones that were the most skeptical of the vaccines? Some of them, yes. There was always those, the hippies, yes.

Speaker 1 But that wasn't a right issue.

Speaker 1 It became that. It became completely political, whereas, yes,

Speaker 1 it is a little bifurcated because there is a division of the left hippie types who are anti-vax. But the majority of the left viewpoint is always super safety.

Speaker 1 Like, we're the good people because we believe in the maximum amount of safety and what you have to do for safety.

Speaker 1 And yes, if we put this in the car, this law that says a bing goes off if you leave your child in the backseat, which will cost everybody, I don't know, $2,000 more for every car they buy.

Speaker 1 We're good people.

Speaker 1 As if that's a thing.

Speaker 1 You know, yes, people do leave kids in the backseat sometimes, usually because they intend to, which is how sick humanity is, or they're crackheads, and a little bing is not going to change it.

Speaker 1 Anyway, that's always their thing, more safety. So more vaccines was better, always better.
And it's just, again, it's just not scientific. And you probably hurt your kids because,

Speaker 1 look,

Speaker 1 I don't, nobody knows the answer to this. I was going to say, before even COVID, I was always questioning this by saying, look, I don't know what causes cancer.

Speaker 1 And I'm not saying it's vaccines, and I don't think it is. But what we don't know is that it is some confluence of things we're doing to ourselves that we weren't doing 100 years ago

Speaker 1 when cancer rates were much lower.

Speaker 1 So is vaccine something that is in that mix if we actually could study this, along with electromagnetic energy and lots of other things that mercury and chemicals that weren't around before and plastics, a million things.

Speaker 1 We just did an audience. God forbid you ask that question, though.
It's a legitimate question for which I don't have the answer, and neither do you.

Speaker 1 We just did an answer. And neither do you.

Speaker 1 So if I can, if I'm going to have to make the choice between a vaccine or not, I'm going to go in general, I would rather trust my immune system as I have learned to treat it and nourish it as opposed to a vaccine.

Speaker 1 But again, if it's the Spanish flu.

Speaker 1 Then it's different. Well, you were

Speaker 1 talking about was it on our show where we were just talking about how you do some inner some form of intermittent fasting at times where you don't eat? Like that, that was another thing.

Speaker 1 I mean, if people, my biggest problem was I trusted my immune system and my metabolic health at the time and i hated the idea that we were categorizing every single person of every single age group you totally don't need that vaccine i can tell by looking at you of course you don't need it either of course i can tell that with the naked eye you don't need that vaccine and i'm sure there are people oh bill look at that a comedian diagnosing two people he's not a doctor and he's saying you can do it just with the naked eye yeah you know what there's a small chance that couldn't be right But everything is a small chance it couldn't be right.

Speaker 1 But actually, I'm right. I can just look at you.
I know your age. I know I can see you're healthy.

Speaker 1 I've had many doctors say to me, usually I can tell when somebody walks into my office if they're healthy or not.

Speaker 1 You literally wear it on your face. Yep.
Now, there are things obviously that are more complicated than that, but you don't need the vaccine. Other people did.
And I'm glad they had it.

Speaker 1 It saved millions of lives. I say that every time this comes up because I want the people to understand I'm not unreasonable about this.
I get it.

Speaker 1 But the lives it saved were mostly people who had done to themselves ill health to begin with. Not all to themselves.
Yes, there's lots of people of

Speaker 1 compromised situations, not their fault. We shouldn't even ask if it's their fault.
Doesn't matter. They should get life-saving treatment, no matter what.

Speaker 1 We all do shit to ourselves that hurts ourselves. We don't want to start down that road of, oh, you're a smoker, so you don't get to...

Speaker 1 No, you know, we all are doing something, even if it's like stress or whatever, teenies or whatever, drugs.

Speaker 1 But, you know,

Speaker 1 if you're healthy and you don't need something,

Speaker 1 that's it. That's all people like us are asking.
And again, the irony is it's the most reasonable position, not the most unreasonable.

Speaker 1 So you, you, as somebody who has traditionally, I think, leaned, more modern, leaned a little more left during that period of time, what was it like when you started catching flock for speaking out like this?

Speaker 1 Famous with all these issues that the left has gone nuts about.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 it's the subject basically of the book I put out this year.

Speaker 1 It's probably the subject of the special I'm going to do at the end of the year. I haven't changed.

Speaker 1 I'm basically what I've always been, left of center, but not afraid to call out the bullshit that happens anywhere, including on the left. They just didn't used to be as crazy.
I noticed it.

Speaker 1 They do this all the time. They do nutty shit, and then I notice it, and they blame me.

Speaker 1 Okay, it's not my fault, and I'm not going to hold my tongue when you do nutty shit. And the response to COVID was nutty to my view.
And it was driven.

Speaker 1 I mean, look, part of it happened under Trump, but I mean, most of it was driven by the hypersensitivity, hyper-safetyism of the left.

Speaker 1 And again, always about the identity politics. In this case, obese people.
We could not mention that. I mean, this is, again, a scientific situation.
Let the science rule.

Speaker 1 Isn't that what the liberals are always saying? Follow the science.

Speaker 1 Okay, the science told us who was vulnerable. It would be like saying, well, you know, AIDS, we don't know who it attacks.

Speaker 1 Well, we do.

Speaker 1 Gay men and intravenous drug users in America, that's not saying I'm against those groups. I'm all for helping those groups or any groups that need our help medically.

Speaker 1 But that's just the scientific fact.

Speaker 1 And if there's a certain specific segment of the population that's most vulnerable, we should protect them more and also inform them more and let the rest of us live our lives. You know?

Speaker 1 I wasn't fat during COVID and I wasn't taking it up the ass during AIDS.

Speaker 1 And that's my position. So funny.

Speaker 1 You're pretty funny. Pretty.

Speaker 1 Jesus.

Speaker 1 I can report he's very funny and he's wearing a very stylish outfit. The boots, the belts, the jeans.
If Trump walked in here right now. you're like my key, you're my obvious demographic.

Speaker 1 You know me, like me, watch me. You don't know the fuck about me.
Yeah, I but now you're gonna get her

Speaker 1 to more

Speaker 1 into it. Good.
That's why we're doing that. I love that.
You know, it's so funny. I love new people.
She'll bring

Speaker 1 people on the show.

Speaker 1 I'll be there. She'll

Speaker 1 baby. I'll teach all of these people some techniques.
She brings a lot of people on our show, and I am in the boat. I'm like, what's going on here? And I can't watch a video until after I meet.

Speaker 1 And then I feel like now she's no, I obviously know who Bill is.

Speaker 1 I've seen him. You know who Bill is.
I do. She's been 31 years.
She knows who I am. Yeah.
Hi. Nice to meet you.
Yeah. I'm very excited to be on his show.

Speaker 1 I'm not very savvy with politics. I'm not afraid to admit.
But you were going to ask if Trump walked in what?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was going to ask you if Trump walked in right now, right here, and wanted to sit down, what's your energy? Did you do club random with him? Yeah. What's your energy?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you would do club random with him. I think you would.
Well, I get your advice on how to blow him and then do that. I mean, maybe

Speaker 1 that's the first anal experience

Speaker 1 i can't even would like what anyway but would you interview him

Speaker 1 of course have you ever interviewed him

Speaker 1 he

Speaker 1 did you see the tweet he sent out about me this week no i didn't see it no but i'm sure it was me what'd he say i'm not telling you i'm gonna go look it's on google okay

Speaker 1 so would you you would interview him

Speaker 1 i can't even

Speaker 1 100%. What are you winning? We would.
I can't even. He 100%.
He just literally said the whole conversation. He's open to hearing other people's opinions.
He would have 100% sit with him.

Speaker 1 That's the whole conversation. You're right.
He wants to hear both sides. You're right.

Speaker 1 What are you wearing right now? Lip gloss? Yeah. This is the lip gloss I use.
Every girl should get it. It's interesting that we had the blowjob discussion and immediately you went to that.

Speaker 1 Every girl should. You know what? I've been married for a long time.
I know the secrets. One of them's lip gloss.
I wonder if I have a contact high yet from this. Why?

Speaker 1 Because it makes the lips look glossy. And it makes them plumpy and wet.
It smells good if you get the right one. You're right.
I know. I am right.
Listen, you tell me about politics.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you about blowjobs.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 It's going to be a little lopsided. I think I have a lot more ground to cover, but okay.

Speaker 1 Let's start with the Declaration of Independence.

Speaker 1 All right, it's 1776.

Speaker 1 Benjamin Franklin is already 90. My dad is not allowed to listen to this episode.
No. We're going to block it from his devices.
Why? What are we saying? That's so bad. No, her dad's personal eyebrows.

Speaker 1 After you get married, I feel like all bets are off. All bets are off.
You're allowed to do anything. You're allowed to do that.
No, her dad's.

Speaker 1 Her dad sends me... It's funny, you know, like guys will send memes or pictures about it.
Her dad sends me more wild shit than my friends. Like of what?

Speaker 1 When he's looking at her ass, when he's out to dinner with the wife and he's looking at the ass. Her dad's just sending me always the funny.
Who's looking at whose ass? When? What? Explain the meme.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 her dad just sends me

Speaker 1 wildly inappropriate memes.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? You love it. I think it's hilarious.
We have that kind of relationship. Oh, that's

Speaker 1 where do you? I came from my dad. Wildly inappropriate.

Speaker 1 Right. And your dad did settle down at some point.
He did settle down. How long has that been now? It's been 20 years.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 He's around your age. Yeah.
He's around your age. And how old is the wife? The wife's younger, 15 years younger, I think.
But listen, she's the one that said, I'm never got a bad start.

Speaker 1 I'm never marrying you. You're never going to get me you wish.
Just like you. Yeah.
It works. This Pamela Anderson says the way to get a guy is to tell them that you'll never marry them.

Speaker 1 They can't help it.

Speaker 1 It's the truth. I mean, I do find that amazingly attractive if some girl says, I really am not into marriage.
Like the chase.

Speaker 1 I'm married, but it's not like we're, it's not like because I'm chasing her. I mean, at my age, I'm not chasing anybody.
I mean, I think I've earned it. You got to chase me.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've done it for 50 years. Do you ever chase a girl, though?

Speaker 1 Oh, first of all, they wouldn't want me if I did. There's nothing less attractive.
I like to be pursued. I like to be a little out of it.
Not at my age. I like to be pursuing.

Speaker 1 You cannot do it at my age. It's just wrong.
I like to be. It's just wrong.

Speaker 1 I would never hit on a girl at my age. If they hit on me, that's a different story.
Okay. But I would never hit on them.
That's just wrong. I would never hit on a guy.
I would want to be honest.

Speaker 1 You wait for the approach. I'm not doing anything.
I told you, I'm good. Girls are taking notes.
I'm good.

Speaker 1 Okay, he's good. I'm good.
He's playing the old, I'm good. I'm not a good one.
I'm going to get the lowdown from you off here, but

Speaker 1 you're holding back on us. Yeah.
You're not telling us the full story. I told you right up front I'm holding back on you.
I don't want to talk about

Speaker 1 it. I just met you today, and you're asking me about anal, and you're holding back on us.

Speaker 1 I didn't, well, I did, I guess.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, come on. That's

Speaker 1 it. I have to tell you, I once had a distant relative who

Speaker 1 was married, like my second uncle or something, and he was married to somebody, and they worked together, like you do. Okay.
In a furniture store.

Speaker 1 They like got up in the morning

Speaker 1 and like made breakfast together and then got in the car together and drove to the furniture store and worked all day in the furniture store together and then went home and then had dinner together and uh sounds like us we're not working we don't work in a fucking furniture store

Speaker 1 even as a child i thought wow

Speaker 1 this

Speaker 1 let me tell you something i don't even like girls yet and i'm already tired of this one

Speaker 1 if i was selling couches with my wife we wouldn't be sitting here

Speaker 1 right so yeah like you only see each other when you do the podcast we we have our own businesses we come together to do the show it's like a side hustle that we do together coming together is so important i also also think I'm a big believer in ignoring your husband.

Speaker 1 I do a lot of different tricks and tips where I just ignore him. Tricks and tips.
Yeah, like I'll decline his call. I don't text back right away.
I'm unavailable. Like I still

Speaker 1 notice this stuff, though. Yes, you do because you won't leave me alone.
Oh my god. You won't leave me alone.
No, I don't. He likes it.
It's like

Speaker 1 has to pursue. You'll have to interview me alone.
This goes under the category. Because you're not dealing with it.
Well, definitely. You don't know.
But this goes under the category of... Psychotic?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 We're just all different. This is such a personal thing.
Yeah. How we relate, which is why we should never judge.
No one judge me. I don't judge you.

Speaker 1 What works for you? You know what? When she's doing that, I'm just playing my video games being like, man, this is great. Why is it so quiet in the house? That's such a lie.

Speaker 1 Like, anything like that would never work for me because I would know it's contrived. Yeah.
It's not contrived. I really am busy.
I really am busy. I'm doing my own thing.
I'm running my business.

Speaker 1 Sorry. But you say it turns him on.
Yeah, he likes it. Okay.
Well, that sounds a little contrived to me, like a little like. A little manipulation never hurts.
You know what? If whatever,

Speaker 1 whatever gets to

Speaker 1 the flag up the pole. You know,

Speaker 1 I honestly just thought that it was really quiet in the house for a few hours. Right.

Speaker 1 And that, Bill, I do enjoy. I have a little bit of a...
But like, yeah, that wouldn't work for me. But, but.

Speaker 1 Starving with my presence.

Speaker 1 Starving, I totally get because that's, you know, not to give away too much, but that's a little bit of my secret. Starvation.

Speaker 1 I would rather miss somebody for a period of time and then when I'm with them, when I say, God, I missed you. Hence why you don't.
I really mean it. This makes sense now.

Speaker 1 Then be with them all the time and not be able to say that. I always talk about this on our show.
Absence is actually more important than presence.

Speaker 1 And people don't seem to understand that with social media. They constantly think that they have to be present, but what it actually ends up doing is saturating.

Speaker 1 You guys live together with kids, you don't have absence. I have absence, I have all different kinds of tricks on myself.
No, but I think people look at us as well. You gotta keep it.

Speaker 1 That's not real absence. We've been married for a long time.
Oh, I understand. No, I'm just saying.
I go away. But real absence is like absence.
No, we're not away from each other.

Speaker 1 We're not apart from each other. And that's a hundred seconds.
Again, whatever works. But I need real absence.
Micro-dosing absence. Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that's why I don't micro-dose. I tried that once with acid.
I tried it with mushrooms. I was like, this sucks.
You'd be interesting on mushrooms. Woo.
Oh, I've done mushrooms a zillion times.

Speaker 1 I was like, when I micro-dose, like, this sucks. Let's, if you're going to do mushrooms, let's do them.
Oh, you like to do it full screen? I got it. I got it.
It's really hard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is, what is this finger fucking? And, you know,

Speaker 1 let's either

Speaker 1 fuck or go home. I mean,

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 That makes sense to me.

Speaker 1 We've covered a lot of ground today.

Speaker 1 We've covered a lot of ground. You sure have.
So

Speaker 1 again, when the no ever temptation to do anything like out of the box, puff daddy-ish.

Speaker 1 You know what?

Speaker 1 I'm not going to puff daddy. You never did a threesome.
Oh, we've, we've, we've had a

Speaker 1 micro experience.

Speaker 1 I don't know what that means. Here's the thing.
We've had all sorts of people come on the show and they talk, we've had these open relationship people come on. No, we're not an open relationship.

Speaker 1 They tell us how this is going to work. You shouldn't.

Speaker 1 And by the way,

Speaker 1 every single one of those people that's come on and said that, eight years have gone by since they've done their first, it's all been, it's all ended in disaster for them. It always does.

Speaker 1 And they come on and they nobody, my line out of that was: nobody's that hip. Yeah, nobody's that hip.

Speaker 1 The things that people think they can do. Uh-huh.
Like 69, no one can do that.

Speaker 1 But like, not well.

Speaker 1 Not well. But

Speaker 1 like. You're not going to walk in on that and be like, man, that looks great.
Like, like you know good form when you're like

Speaker 1 30 or whatever age you think you're so hot shit. You go through that phase where you do threesomes and you just realize it's first of all someone is always jealous.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like you could know one woman in the threesome only 10 minutes longer than the other one and she would be jealous. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They call it a unicorn though if they're not jealous. Have you heard of a unicorn?

Speaker 1 Sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but damon told me about a unicorn oh damon damon please you should have damon in here no i shouldn't yeah he's pretty it's pretty i i like him he's a sweet guy but

Speaker 1 we don't need to be taking his advice on i just think it's hard enough to manage two people's in the world i don't think he managed either his professional version of sex or the personal life that great to like be taking advice.

Speaker 1 He said that there's something called a unicorn where it works.

Speaker 1 This is his mouth, not mine. Let's talk to him anyway.
Well, of course, everybody.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I agree. I'm sure.
Well, first of all, there is. No, there's always a unicorn for everything.
No one's that hit. You're right.

Speaker 1 But I'm just saying, like, if I've never had one where the one person wasn't jealous, because the second you look deep into somebody's eyes when you're fucking them, which is the only way you should do it if you're doing it right, they're going to be jealous.

Speaker 1 The only way to make them not jealous is if you're fucking the other person and you're kind of like looking off board, you're

Speaker 1 playing with your phone.

Speaker 1 Then you'd be okay. You should have a three-second.
Oh,

Speaker 1 I didn't even realize I was fucking here. Then you'd be okay.
Other than that, somebody's going to be jealous. And it's, and it's.
I can rationalize it in my brain.

Speaker 1 And I just think, I just, I can see it going wrong in so many ways that it's just off the dinner menu for me, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1 Like, I can see it being exciting for a minute, and then a total chain is right out. I don't.
First of all, you and I are similar like that. I don't need, I go through and I think about

Speaker 1 the problem. Be super into the one person you're doing.
It's not designed for three people.

Speaker 1 It's just, it's just, it's so funny now that we live in the age where everybody is non-binary and on the spectrum and gay and fluid and trans. I'm like, yeah, but you know what?

Speaker 1 Whenever I'm like having actual sex and the penis goes into the vagina and it feels amazing to her and amazing to me, I'm thinking like, geez, it's almost like we were designed to do it this way.

Speaker 1 And like,

Speaker 1 and even a threesome is like a violation of that. It's like, yeah, but.
I'd also like to think that I'm that manly, but I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't believe that I'm going to be that great and being able to go in both. You're not.
You only have one dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't, you know, I don't have, I'm not, men are not good multitaskers in general. Of course.
I've never seen that. I'd rather dominate one than disappoint two.

Speaker 1 Okay. I like that.

Speaker 1 I bet you they're going to pull that clip.

Speaker 1 That's how you end the show.

Speaker 1 That's the title of this episode. I'd rather dominate one than disappoint two.
That is the club. That's the name of this episode.

Speaker 1 We don't name the episodes, but I know you're going to plug it on your show. I will plug it on my show.
You've got to get everybody on your show

Speaker 1 to watch this show. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They should, anyway. They'd enjoy it.
Yeah. A lot of women, a lot of millennial women.
I'll get them to. This is probably the best thing you could do for your phase one life.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm scared, though. The applications that you're going to get.
I'm good. Now I think he's good.
Oh, you might be better now. I'm good.

Speaker 1 No, thank you for having us. You're the best.
Thank you for being had. Yeah.
This is fun. I think I got a good contact.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'll stay up past 11. You guys don't smoke the wacky weed?

Speaker 1 I don't know how you smoke and you don't get high. You're like, no.
You don't? No. Jesus, what a disappointment.
I was feeling great. Wait, what do you mean I don't get high? If I smoked one hip.

Speaker 1 That's you. I know.

Speaker 1 That's your whole point of the episode. Well, I mean, we are all different.
Like,

Speaker 1 if I, you know, there are things people do that I

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 people who can like rap rhymes off the top of their head. Or

Speaker 1 when I was in college, I tried, it never, it never, it never hit right with me. I couldn't, and people would say,

Speaker 1 and I was like, mine only works for about one-third of the people. Yeah, it didn't, it didn't work for, it didn't, I couldn't,

Speaker 1 every time I did it, I couldn't get no, but they'd say, oh, you did too much, or you did too little. It only really agrees with about a third of the people.

Speaker 1 But luckily, it agrees with me on everything.

Speaker 1 That makes me want to eat. Thank you for

Speaker 1 watching. I told you.

Speaker 1 Thank you. That was awesome.
So much fun. I want to take a selfie with you outside.
All right. Is that okay? I'll sing.
Like, what a cool setup you have down here.

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