Dr. Phil | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Not available in all states or situations. Yeah, I've been a pilot all my life, and the one thing you can't use is runway behind you.
It's the only runway ahead of you. It's a very good analogy.
If you've got idiots out there that aren't putting America first, It's just, I don't care if Republican or Democrat, we've got to kick our ass to the curb. Look what the cat drug is.
Sorry. What's up, man? I'll take you.
You know I just ran from my... I'll take your time.
I'm doing a double shift today. But for you, I normally would never do this, but I know you're in town.

You look thin.

Yeah?

Yeah, you look great.

I feel good.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

No, what are you doing to look good, feel good?

Working my dead ass off. You look, really, you look svelte.

Yeah?

I've been working out really hard.

Oh, come on.

No, seriously.

No, but I mean, I can't be the first one to have noticed this.

Well, I've been, uh. You look like you lost, I don.
No, seriously. No, but I mean, I can't be the first one to have noticed this.
Well, I've been... You look like you lost, I don't know, 20 pounds since the last time you were here? Yeah, I might have.
I don't remember what I was wearing. I don't either.
Or anything about it. But that's because I was stoned.
And I know you don't drink, because I do remember you telling me last time you... I got my iced tea right here.
...ha haven't had a drink since high school. I keep hoping I'll change that.
How are you doing? You know, Friday is always a tense day, just like any, you know. But, you know, you do every day.
I don't. So it's more, it's like football versus baseball.
You know, if you play once a week, you know, you just got to make that game and then you relive it over the whole weekend and, you know, whereas baseball, you know, so you go for four. You come up, you got tomorrow and then the next day and every day.
How many riders do you have? Uh, eight, I think. I don't know.
Something like that. But, you know, a lot of shows have more.
But I'm my own head writer. I'm sorry to say, you're the head writer, though.
Yeah, most shows, the guy, he gets it culled down from a head writer like sorry to say you're the head writer yeah most shows the the guy he gets it culled down from a head writer my writers i want them to know i read every single word they ever write yeah i don't want them to feel like something got lost in committee yeah you know and um and they all know you know you can be outrageous you be over the line. I can always edit that out.
I want them to be over the line. I want them to push the envelope.
I can always pull that back. What I don't want is timid or afraid of, oh, is this too far? It's my job to, like, be a little too far.
That's my niche.

It's the delivery, too.

I mean, you get away with a lot of shit

the way you deliver it.

Well, I do, but, you know,

less than lots of people, you know,

who really gets away with a lot is cartoons.

Yeah.

I'm very jealous of cartoons.

Yeah.

And what is this?

That's, I'm roofing myself.

Eyedropper of stuff.

It's a way to have diet soda without any chemicals.

You just pour this into carbonated water,

and also then you go to a sex party with Mark Robinson in North Carolina.

Got it.

Have you been reading about this guy?

Oh, come on.

Which one?

Who is he?

The Republican nominee for governor in North Carolina. Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah who calls him i mean no comedy writer could come up with this he calls himself a black nazi a black nazi um and also like was super he's a super christy, super hard-right Republican, like, absolutely calls abortion genocide.

But, of course, he and his wife had one.

Of course, he was on all these porn sites.

Used to be a regular at the porn shop.

The porn shop, as if that thing even existed.

Do they still have those?

Well, no.

This is from, like like the 90s.

But like, even when they had them, I didn't know you could be a regular.

Didn't they have one at Sunset in Doheny for a long time?

That yellow building up there on the corner?

A little down the road was the Hustler store.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Well, the Hustler store was pretty high end.

Yeah. I mean, if you think there can be a high end for dildos uh but yeah the hustler store was you know patronized by and it was that was prime real estate in la yeah i never went in there but i went by it every day because 21 years i drove past it going to the paramount did you see Oprah with Kamala the other day? No.
No? No, I haven't seen it yet. How can you, with your media empire, not see something like that and share your thoughts with the people who hang on your every word? I was busy empiring.
I was in Arizona at 112 degrees with border guards figuring out why Venezuelans are coming through the desert. Everybody says they're not.
Can I tell you the answer to this? Because we're America. Because we're a shining city on the hill.
And, of course, everyone's going to want to be here. Can you blame them? There's porn on the phone, Phil.
I don't blame them for wanting to be here. I mean, you can order a pizza and jack off before it gets there and never have this leave your hand except to jack off.
Well, I started to say, how do you do that? Well, that's why God gave us two hands. Yeah.
But, I mean, look, I'm not a rah-rah patriot kind of guy. I don't get a boner for all that shit.
But I do like perspective. And the perspective on the world is America is still the biggest swinging dick.
It just is. I mean, it's just a reason why people want to be here.
But you've got to get off the bandwagon about who's president, who's president, he's crazy, he's crazy, and start trying to solve the problems instead of just jumping on the bandwagon about who's going to have the top job. Who has the top job is not near as important is who's solving the problems.
So much of what's going on in this country— The guy who has the top job. Oh, really? It's the guy who, of course, it's his agenda.
You don't think presidents set an agenda for the country? Priorities? Just the way you, for example, handle your Justice Department, the Justice Department, the people who follow the law. There are more people that affect what's going on in our lives that were not elected and can't be fired because they're public servants.
You've got these people that have been

appointed to these jobs that are passing regulations, not laws, that are determining

what we do. This world's been run by bureaucrats.
We didn't elect. I would say this.
If you're a

young... Respond to what I'm saying.
You don't agree with that?

I mean, it's so easy to blame bureaucrats. I mean, bureaucrats are bad, but try to have a society

without them. What is the alternative? You have to have humans do these kind of jobs.
It's like

our justice system. Is it awful? Yes.
But it's the best of the possible options we have. What's better? Jousting? A trial by fire? See if you float? I'm a big fan of the jury system, but I'm telling you.
But what else is there? It's the best of the worst. We've got people that have no accountability that are passing regulations that determine what we can and cannot do.
And these aren't people that we elected. No, no.
I live in California, sweetheart. Don't tell me about regulations.
Yeah, tell me. I mean, well, just a personal story.
um i then this thing that you say is such a Shangri-La, I'm a very simple man. I have one house, one car, and one plane.
A simple man. Okay.
So I have a, when I bought this house, it had a three-car garage. Well, memo to the people who built this house, that was never a three-car garage.
Unless you were driving little Japanese cars or something. Nash Ramblers.
You know, it just wasn't. So at some point, I was like, this is a two-car garage.
Just to change that over, three inspections. I should have no inspections.
I can't, like, fix my garage door without the state of California getting involved. This is the kind of stuff that really pisses people off.
And people who aren't like me, who, like, have a steady take on the center, I think, you're not going to actually get me all the way over to vote for Donald Trump because you made me go through three inspections for my garage door. But I get it.
And if I was a different kind of person, yeah, maybe you could get me there. I think you are that kind of person, and you are there, and they did get you there, even though you don't admit it.
But I'm not going to be there. But yes, the state of California drives you batshit insane.
And it's infuriating because some of it is so counterintuitive. I wanted to put solar here.
It took me three years. I was bitching about it on my show and it didn't move them.
Can you imagine? They're so arrogant and so entrenched that even a public embarrassment every week did not move them until it finally did. But wow, those are people who are pretty secure in their jobs.
Like I was publicly shaming them every week. I want to do something that the state says is good for the environment, be a good citizen, save myself for money.
And I couldn't get the fucking solar hooked up for nonsensical bureaucratic bullshit reasons reasons you just have to show up with a camera crew to get your permit right that works right why have you done that well i'm just saying i would suggest it it helps if you show up with a camera crew what do you think of these people who go undercover like there's the one i forget his name he's on the right it. But now people on the left, they just did it to somebody where they get them thinking that they're somebody else.
It's like a Borat thing, you know. And then they get them on tape.
But, oh, it was somebody who was pretending to be a reporter and was interviewing, I think, the owner of the Washington Commanders. Somebody owned a sports team.

And he was saying some things that, do you know the story? No? You don't follow the news? Jesus. Well, anyway, he was.
Depending on what you call news. This was pretty big news.
He was saying things that got him in a lot of hot water. I mean, I'm trying to remember exactly what it was.
But it was something like, you know, our job here at the team is to, even if we have a shitty team, is to sell hope. And they made it sound like, oh, this is some great scandal.
No, that is a sport. Sports isn't doing anything for us except diverting us.
Yeah. Give us hope.
It's entertainment. It's entertainment.
I'm just an undercover thing and they do this a lot now do you think that's cricket or do you think that's i i think subterfuge is a bad idea i think you got to be transparent i don't i don't like sneaking up on people no you and that you certainly have made that your i mean signature in your in your career. You're a blunt guy who says it.
I mean, that's the secret to your success, I think, is that you say what a lot of people are thinking. You say it plainly.
You say it out there. You know, you're never cruel, but you're not going to spare them the true skinny as you see it.
I've had people confess to murder on the show i mean i've i've had people come on and you know basically say yeah well right i did it you know um if you don't have to sneak up on them to do that right if you just know how to interrogate somebody ask them questions and they haven't watched the show a lot they don't

and you think they really wanted to unburden themselves of most people do if they're really carrying a heavy burden uh and you know some people are just exhibitionistic and some people think they're the smartest person in the room and they aren't always and that can backfire on them I mean, apropos of what we were just saying about the jury system, Robert Durst, I mean, both the part where he admits it in the bathroom and the stupidity of at least one of those juries who the evidence was just like overwhelming. And when you heard what the jury said, you went, oh, my God, I never want to have to go in front of a jury.
These people cannot, you cannot count on them to figure it out. Yeah, you want to put the dots pretty close together.
But I'm a fan of the jury system. I think we often don't know what they got to hear and what they don't get to hear.
That's another thing. It's so not about getting to the truth.
It's about which side has the better team that does this for a living. I remember there was a case of a marijuana advocate.
This is like 20, 25 years ago when that wasn't legal anywhere. And they put him in jail.
And afterwards, all the jurors came out and said, oh, if they had let us know that he wasn't a drug dealer because they weren't allowed to introduce evidence that would have. So the jury was under the impression, this guy, who was just a pot advocate.
He wasn't selling it. He wasn't, you know, fucking El Chapo.
That's who they thought they were putting away. Okay, that's not a system that's seeking the truth.
Yeah. That's just a system of, you know, who has the better liars.
Well, you know, I did that for a long time. What? Worked with juries.
Oh, I thought you'd sell pot. No.
Yes, I do know that. Right.
And I would rather have a so-so story really well told than a great story poorly told. I'm going to go in front of a jury.
So you ever worry about, like, people who you pissed off, like, with some of the stuff? You know, judges sometimes get somebody that's happened today. Somebody killed a judge.
Like, but you're kind of a judge. You know, you kind of have that judgy vibe.
And, you know, you say people, did anybody ever like come after you?

Like because they like personally, you know, in a very scary way.

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Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details. Well, I'm the least judgmental person I know, but sometimes...
It's not wrong to judge. It's not wrong.
Sometimes when you take a strong position, you're going to piss off half the people. You have to make judgments.
You're going to piss off half the people. And I've been very critical of some of our elite universities that have allowed these pro-Hamas demonstrations and their failure to teach critical thinking.
And I've been very outspoken about that. Good.
And I've had a lot of death threats. Well, we're eye to eye on that one.
Over that. I just can't.
I'm hearing things on these campuses I never thought I would hear in my lifetime. Death to America.
I mean, I don't understand how these universities can turn a deaf ear to that. There's a difference between free speech and inciting people to violence.
There's also a difference between terrorism, committing terrorism, like they did, Hamas did on October 7th in Israel, committing terrorism, and retaliating against terrorism. The Israelis don't commit terrorist acts.
They kill terrorists, yes, and other people are going to get killed in that process because that's what happens in a war. But the fact that the left is so or so many of them are so morally confused about this conflict.
You know, they blew up the I'm sure you saw this. They blew up the Hezbollah fighters with pagers this week.
Right. Yeah.
They made the pay. It's hard not to laugh.
And I don't care. I'm happy to laugh at it.
I mean, these are terrorists. These are terrorists.
Yeah, they did it kind of in an unorthodox way. Most of them lived.
They just got their dick blown off. But like, and I'm sure that all the college campus protest kids were so sad that their heroes in Hamas got their dick blown off.
Like, look, I've been to Israel since October 7th. And I've been to the site where they had the music festival and where they came in there.

And I actually interviewed the first responder. I don't mean a first responder.
I mean the first responder was there by himself for a long time. And you should – I didn't say much during that whole interview.
I just let this guy talk. And it's on the short list of the most moving interviews I've done in 25 years.
You should listen to this guy. And I don't want people in Gaza getting killed.
I don't want children getting killed. I don't want people in hospitals getting killed.
They're of course not. I hate that.
But getting killed with shrapnel from a bomb, when you're retaliating against terrorists that did what they did and then ran over there and hid in a daycare center or hid in a hospital, that is not the moral equivalent of what they did when they came over there and did what they did on October 7th. Of anybody that equates one with the other is at the most base level of morality that you can possibly be.
It's like you don't know the difference between blame and responsibility. If that chair breaks right now, are you to blame for it? No, you weren't abusing the chair.
Are you involved? Are you

responsible? Yeah, you were sitting in it, so you had involvement, but that doesn't mean that there was intent. Those people came over there and killed infants in their cribs.
I've seen the cribs. I've been there in the rooms.
I've seen it happen. I've seen footage from the IDF that were GoPros from Hamas, that they took off their dead bodies.
And I've seen it. Nobody else has seen it.
They didn't publish it. I know what actually took place.
And there's no moral equivalent of what Israel has done. I hate that they've had people killed in Gaza, innocent people killed.
I'm sorry. But they knew that when they did it.
Did they think they were going to go over and do that, and then they were going to go, hey, I wish you wouldn't do that again? Of course they knew that was going to happen, and they didn't care. They were willing to sacrifice those lives.
And for our elite universities to allow this stuff to go on, they just haven't taught critical thinking. They haven't taught these kids how to think.
And these outside agitators have come in and found these kids with no direction and given them something to do. Well, actually, I'm going to stop you there.
It would be better if it was outside agitators. Well, there are outside agitators.
No. Yes, there are.
Okay. But the real problem is inside agitators.
Because when I say inside, it's the professors. Yeah, I agree.
The professors are. I agree.
See, there's a difference between, I mean, in the 60s, there was violence perpetrated by people like the weathermen. Remember the weathermen? Okay, they went from a protest group to a let's set off some bombs group they weren't very good at it but they were violent but the pro but the professors at like my alma mater cornell weren't encouraging this that's the difference because the professor at my alma mater now is saying he was exhilarated by what happened on october 7th so that's these These are art history professors, by the way.
These aren't history professors. They're not government professors.
They're teaching art history or kinesiology. What the hell are they doing talking about this? If I'm paying for my kid to go there? Or some sort of Muslim studies course.
Yeah, I don't get it. No.
I don't get get it most of the names that I've seen ascribed to the extremely I think anti-semitic rhetoric were all professors with Arabic names yeah uh and that's not a slander on all Arabic people but uh I mean Rashidalaib, she called the beeper bombings disgusting. And I always want to say, are you the representative from Michigan or Palestine? Because it seems to be the issue for you above all.
And, you know, I don't ask a lot of politicians, but, like, America first. You've got to, like, be representing who you're representing.
You know, if you're my agent, you know, I don't want you to, like, be trying to sell Greg Kinnear in a meeting. Sell me.
What I'm worried about is this 70% in America that's kind of in the middle. I call it the heartland.
Because, listen, we've got a bubble on the East Coast. We've got a bubble on the West Coast.
But there's this 70% in the middle that kind of has a live and let live attitude. Well, there comes a time where you've got to say, hey, it's time for me to get off the bench and speak up.
And this is one of those times. This is one of those times where you got

to get off the bench and speak up and say, hey, it's not okay that you're standing up for these terrorists. It's not okay that these universities are not speaking up for America.
They got to stand up. You know, this media empire you keep talking about, I have started a new network and it's called Merit TV, Merit Street Media.
I didn't choose that name by random. It's Merit Street.
Merit. You do things that have merit.
We built this country on a meritocracy. You work hard, you add value, you bring talent, and it gets rewarded.
And we've gotten away from that, and we need to get more to that. The other side would say, and they have a very good argument here, because it certainly is also true, that it didn't get rewarded equally for everybody all along the way.
I mean, to go back to the argument about, does it matter who's president? If I'm a black teenager who gets pulled over or just a black man, and you know, this still happens and you really shouldn't have gone to jail and been put in the system or whatever, would I rather have Eric Holder as the attorney general or Jeff Sessions? You know, the person in the top cop, person in charge of law enforcement, you know, policy guidelines do go down and people do handle it differently.

So it does sometimes matter who is the president.

Not that I'm obsessed with this.

No, not much.

Would you, I don't care if you start on third base, dugout or dumpster.

Would you rather start in America or Venezuela or Argentina? Would you, where would you rather start in america oh or venezuela or argentina would you where would you rather start you always do this you like you you you answer the thing with something that makes it seem like these two were in contention again two completely different issues yes america has been uneven in our history of how we treat people and of of course, I always say that. I just said it in a big speech.
America is still the shit. America is the place that you'd want to be.
I think, I mean, no, look, there's plenty of countries that are fine. And there's a reason why Belgium doesn't empty out and come here.
Because Belgium's a perfectly fine country. And they're used to it to it and lots of countries are.
But I mean, for lots of people, especially poor people who can get here, who have a way to get here. I mean, Venezuela is fairly close.
You mentioned Venezuela and Haiti is fairly close and Mexico is practically a neighbor. Yeah, they're going to be attracted here to, to come here, and you can't blame them.
And then we just get into the argument about what's the best way. And of course, if this country wasn't so fucking our word, we could just easily come to the obvious thing that most people agree on, because you said, you know, like there's this on this side and there are those fringes.
But I don't want to like take from each side. I want to like make each side bend a little.
And you could do this with almost every issue. Can we agree that we need immigration? Yes.
Most people would say, yes, we do need some immigration. And then mostly, could we just keep it to the people who legally come here? Yes.
The fact that we can't, like, get to that just tells me about our psyche. It's more your field.
Like, there's something wrong up here that the people with this much money, and like you say, they're not stupid, that they can't get to the answers answers or the healthcare one or any of them. I mean, some of it is greed.
Greed stops a lot of things from happening. Some of it is inertia.
Some of it is just hatred. Some of it is just that Americans are spiritually so empty that they just feel shitty about themselves.
Their life is nice. They have, like, things, and the convenience is off the hook.
But at the end of the day, do they really feel good? A lot of them don't. And that's when they do stupid things and make stupid choices.
One of the biggest problems is we do things today because it's what we did yesterday. And when your primary reason for doing what you do today is because it's what you did yesterday, instead of because you made a conscious choice to do what you did today, then you've got a real problem.
And that's where we are in America. Well, yesterday I got stoned and today I'm getting stoned.
So I guess I'm part of the problem. You're part of the problem.
Look, you got, and if that's what you choose to do today, more power to you. Thank you.
The first thing I say, I wrote a book called We've Got Issues, How to Stand Strong for America's Soul and Sanity. Big seller.
And it is. I know.
And I said, number one, I put out 10 things that you got to have for a good culture. And number one was be who you are on purpose.
I will. Be who you are on purpose and own it.
I mean, and don't just get up and do today what you did yesterday just because the only reason is it's what you did yesterday. But what if what I did yesterday i liked then do it again today i'm doing it then own it and but that's what most people don't and you know you're saying that we don't have equal opportunity in this country right that's your point i did not say that what i said is our certainly that is our history uh i'm also always on people to as i always say live in the year we living in.
Do we have perfect equal opportunity? But no, and that's not just racially. There's a bunch of reasons why you may be advantaged or disadvantaged because of your race or because of your IQ or you have a bad personality or you're fucking ugly.
There's a million reasons why you

could succeed or not succeed. And there's a million, not a million, but there's more than

one way to be privileged. That wasn't the case 50 years ago when, no, if you were black, it was just

bad. You just did not get the chances.
You were not visible in the culture. It was just a, it was

night and day. We're not living in that year anymore, thank God.
You think we've made progress? Think? I can prove it. It's not a think.
It's like, do I think gravity exists? Yes, I do. Do I think we've made progress since black artists had to stay in a different hotel? It's crazy how much progress we've made compared to many other countries, which are much more racist.
And this is a course where the woke people attack you because there's still so much work to do. Of course, there's always so much work to do.
Humanity is a work in progress. But also let's acknowledge the reality.
2024 is just a different universe from 1954. It's just crazy different in a good way.
I couldn't agree with you more. I know.
And there are some things that- It's not debatable. There are some things that, for example, you go back 75 years, people are three times less likely to express their opinions now than they were 75 years ago.

That's, I can understand that.

Yeah, because they're afraid that they're going to get canceled in some way.

They're afraid of the backlash and social media gets on them.

When I hear people talk about equal outcome, I go insane.

I mean this idea

of

okay

Thank you. when I hear people talk about equal outcome, I go insane.
I mean, this idea of there's going to be some kind of equal outcome, that's crazy. Working towards equal opportunity and leveling the playing field more and more every day is a great goal.
Can I play host? Equal outcome doesn't work. Can I play host here for a second for the audience? What you're talking about is equity.
There is a difference between equality and equity. I had Bernie Sanders on the show, I don't know, maybe four years ago, three, four years ago.
And I asked him about this. And it's interesting because here's a senator and a really smart one.
I don't agree with everything for sure, but I like Bernie. And he really hadn't, he had an answer that was not good on that.
Like, it wasn't all wrong. It was like, oh, I never thought about that.
Because the question was, equality or equity? And he said equality. And then, oh, it was like, wait a second.
I think that's what he said. And it was like, oh, wait, that's not the right answer in Democratic Party politics.
You're supposed to say equity now. See, it's interesting.
Like, if you just asked him and got him his actual thought on the subject, because he's an old school dude, old school liberal, that was the answer. Equality.
Equality. People should just be judged by the content of their character, not the color of their skin.

That's not what equity is. That's what you were just talking about.

Equity is demanding a certain outcome.

Now, there is some argument for that because the difference in opportunity was so night and day wrong for so many hundreds of years. There has to be some remedial measure.
I believe in some remedial measures. I think, for example, should we admit more blacks perhaps than are actually, I guess the Supreme Court just ruled on this, so it's a moot point we're not doing this anymore.
Into college. Oh, they are.
Yes, I think we owe that. And it helps society because we do need a society where there are as many black lawyers as white lawyers.
But when they get to college, can they have their own black dorms? No. That's plainly racism in reverse and the opposite of what we're supposed to be moving for.

Black dorms, like all black, anything where you could do it in reverse and people would go, what?

I mean, if you suggested, oh, yeah, we just want to have an all-white dorm.

We're just comfortable with whites.

No.

Either we're doing this as a society or we're not so is there a measure of

equity that needs to be in the mix yes i do think there is but mostly yes we got way too far away from equality and merit if you're going to do that you need to and i think you could make a huge difference in one generation. Here's the issue.
Right now, if you go and look at where schools get their resources, where they get their computers, where they get their Wi-Fi setups, where they get their projectors, where they get everything they need to educate kids, it comes from property taxes. In most states, they get it from property taxes.
Really? And you go into the inner city, the values of those properties are very low. Right.
So their tax base is very low. Right.
So how much money they have for those schools is really low. If you want to turn this around, you've got to go in and make sure those schools have broken, that they don't have broken windows, they don't have crummy desks, they don't have crummy lighting, they've got good Wi-Fi, they've got good computers, they've got good projectors, and you incent teachers to go there and teach.
Okay, and one more thing, and I'm sure people will hate this, but they can't have crummy teachers either. I said you've got to incent teachers to go there.
But you didn't say crummy teachers. You said crummy toilets or whatever.
Yeah, that's important. I hear about that all the time, the money and the infrastructure.
The main part of it is who's telling kids what, who's telling them shit, because that's what a teacher is. You're a kid.
You don't know anything. I'm going to tell

you some shit that I want you to remember and know. And if the person doing that doesn't know much or has like political views that they think are more important than just giving the kid the information, and that's a big problem with a lot of schools these days, and I'm a supporter of teachers.
My sister's a teacher. Okay.
But, and I'm sure there are still many, many great teachers who do a great job, but there's too many also. I've seen the videos.
I've seen, they're talking direct to camera. See, this is great when you see a video of someone doing it directly, because they don't have to trust whether the media is telling me what they're telling me about this.

I could just see this teacher is saying, you know, yeah, I'd like to. doing it directly because they don't have to trust whether the media is telling me what they're telling me about this.

I could just see this teacher is saying, you know, yeah, I like to tell my kids every day

that, you know, whatever, you know, you may not be in the right body.

And like, really, you're telling this to kids?

You're putting that idea in their head?

If that's really the case, they'll probably tell you in some way. I agree.
I think that's happening a lot less than people think it is. But the whole problem is the teacher unions are supporting that.
And we got America's become an outlier in that regard. Totally.
uh's only one country in the world who handles it the way we do now, including all those liberal countries like Sweden and the UK, all the ones we looked up to. Oh, what are they doing? What can we do that's more enlightened? They've all reversed position and said, no, not doing it.
Yeah. They're not, well, they just put the brakes on doing radical stuff that is life-changing and irreversible to children.
It's like, let's make sure that this is really someone who wants to live their life as not the gender that they were born. It does happen.
And again, I think if you could get a conclave of people together who were reasonable, you'd come up with, yes, we do understand that there are sometimes people who are not sort of born in the right body. Let's put it that way.
Their mind is more like a woman and their body is like a man or vice versa. But that doesn't mean we need to reorder all of society around the idea that it probably could be anybody.
Everybody who's born is just a jump ball. That's ridiculous.
Can't we just come to the middle, come to the middle here? Yes, it does happen, and we should be respectful of people like that. But there is a default setting for humans, a default setting.
I don't think that makes me a bigot to say that, although I'm sure there are people right now typing that very thing in. You bigot, I can't believe you said that.
You're a transphobic hater. And, but my point is this, in one generation, if we recognize that those schools need money to give these kids an even start, then when they get to college, you don't need to lower the standards.
You don't need to have a different criteria. You don't need to do anything different for them because they had an equal launch pad.
And when you give them an equal launch pad, they'll do the rest. Yeah.
They'll do the rest. You don't need to have a quota system.
You don't need to lower the standards. And give them a track to run on, they'll run.
Trust me. These kids are smart.
They just need to have a chance. Give them a chance.
Don't lower the standards for them. Yeah.
I mean, as with almost everything with these racial issues, I feel like it's a combination of this because it's a paradox to begin with. On the one hand, has my race been awful to the black race? Yes, my race has.
Have I individually? No. So, do I have any responsibility?

Yes,

but not actual blame. You know,

it's a combination of these things.

Like, how can we

own up to that?

And that we both

benefited, because we're old

enough to have benefited from a time

where you didn't always get the break

over the black guy.

But, first of all, I personally didn't like orchestrate this. You know, what was I going to not take the job at the comedy barrel in Cleveland? Because how do I know that they hired me instead of the black comic, but it could have happened.
So I acknowledge that. And how can I, how can I like be a good citizen and a good person with that, but not to the point of, I'm not turning my life over.
And we don't need to anymore because we do live in a different world. Well, the fact that we're having a conversation about it, I mean, this is a big platform.
We've got megaphones. We're having a conversation about it and acknowledging it.
We're doing what we can to acknowledge it. We're doing what we can to draw attention to it.
I don't feel guilty about it. I'm not going to hang my head and cross the street when I see somebody coming that's black.
No. Steve Harvey is a really good friend of mine.
He's part of the network. We talk about it all the time.
He's not like saying, hey, man, even up here. And how about, let's give a big preemptive fuck you to all the people who will say, how dare two white men have a talk? It's like, yeah, as if people don't talk about race within their own race.
Well, of course they do. Of course they do.
And you should do both. And I do do both, and you do do both.
Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't, you know.
I'll talk to anybody about anything anytime they want to talk about it. I will, too.
I won't shy away from it. But I'm, and this is why I'm saying the heartland needs to not be afraid to talk about these things for fear they're going to offend somebody.
I have people ask me all the time, you know, my friend's husband died and I haven't seen her in six weeks. And I ran to her at the grocery store.
Should I bring it up or should I not bring it up? Because she seems happy. And if I bring it up, I want to bring her down.
Yes, you bring it up. She didn't forget he died.
She knows he died. She didn't forget it.
And if you act like it didn't happen, it's like, well, yeah, she didn't give a shit. She just went on.
Yeah, you bring it up. You bring these things up.
You talk about them. Don't be afraid to talk about this, that you're going to offend somebody.
If they get offended, that's on them. If you said something you shouldn't do, we shouldn't have a cancel culture.
We should have a cancel culture. If somebody says something that's really offensive, call them to the side and say, hey, you may not realize it, but that's really rude.
And I wish you wouldn't say that again. I'm not going to call your boss and try to get you fired.
I'm just telling you, that really grates on me. And I wish you wouldn't say that again.
And then move on with your life. It's not about you got to get somebody.
Right. Get over that.
Oh, I know. Just come on.
Everybody should be talking about this stuff. That's what I mean about self-governance.
Whoever gets elected, does it matter who's attorney general? Yeah, maybe. Do they set the agenda? Yeah, do people follow it? Maybe, maybe not.
I don't know. But we have to be self-determinant.
It's up to us. We have to quit blaming everybody.
It's up to us what we do and how we decide. You got to get up and work hard and make your own way and quit blaming everybody.
Yes, that's certainly one of my big complaints about the roster of things that I think didn't used to be on the left. And one of them is victim culture.
People do really, it's almost like an identity, which is very odd. And I understand the concept, and maybe you're a good one to ask about this because you're a professional training in this area, but I feel like people need an identity, even if it's a shitty one.
Even if it's a shitty one, they just want to have an identity. And I remember when I was, may I unload to Dr.
Phil, when I was in high school, and I can very clearly remember that era when I was searching for an identity. First, it was a jock.
You know, I was going to be a jock, but I did not make the freshman basketball team. So that dream wasn't going to happen.
And then, I don't know, I would have loved to and been apropos for the arts, but I was too shy to get on stage, but I could have done that. So I kind of settled on poor kid who needs to work after school.
So I was always had such sort of job, like at 14, 15, like a little before most kids had jobs, even if it was lawn mowing or raking leaves or shoveling snow or working at the drugstore or the liquor store, whatever it was, the A&P, I stocked the shelf. Like, that was my thing.
I'm the poor. And, like, when I look back, it's like, oh, my God, my wonderful 15-year-old brain.
But that, I realized it was important to me. It was an identity.
That was my identity. I was the poor kid who needed to work.
That was your currency. I don't know.
That was your currency. That's how you bought your ticket into the group.
That's how you bought your ticket. I just see that in politics a lot.
I think politics really, I'm going to do an editorial on this one day. It's so much more about personality.

The politics, I believe, comes out of the personality.

Like, if your personality is, you know, pipe and slippers guy,

you know, just old-fashioned, married a long time, happily married, you know, doesn't do drugs, hasn't had any liquor since high school,

you're probably going to lean Republican. I'm not saying that's you because we know you're apolitical.
But... Give me a break.
Okay, so let's take another person. That's a personality type.
All right. I think that personality type is going to generally wind up in the red camp.
Here's a personality type. You're very safety conscious.

You love it when things are making things safer.

Safer.

Like everything in the car that drives me crazy that I didn't ask for. But for safety, that kind of person, the kind of person who went nuts when COVID happened, when we had to deal with the forever flu, that person's going to be a Democrat.
But it really comes out of personality. Yeah, I think there's a lot to that.
But they want to belong to something. Right.
You want an identity. The number one need in all people is acceptance.
I'm telling you, during COVID,

like it was so important to people's identity to be like the, you don't have a mask on?

I have three masks on.

That's how good a person I am.

Yeah, I'd see people on Mulholland

driving in their car alone with a mask on.

Oh, I used to say,

they think they're going to get it from the radio.

Yeah.

Those are the people that read the directions on Pop-Tarts tarts just want to be sure if we put it in right no i mean no there's a lot i mean i could go on we could do just a show or you could take clips just from my real-time show and make it look like like i'm always on the right side because there's so much to criticize about the left, but it never makes me go to join the right. That's, I think, where we're different.
I just wouldn't. And that's including marching for Hamas.
I mean, that's as dumb as it gets, but you have to make the distinction. That's mostly a bunch of kids and idiot fucking professors.
It's not the rank and file of the Democratic politician, even though they're too reluctant to condemn it. The one who does is Fetterman.
Fetterman's the best. Have you had him? I haven't, yeah.
You got to. Is there a Democratic Is there a big party? Is there a big party? Yes, I'd love to.
You should talk to John Fetterman. Fetterman's the best.
Have you had him? I haven't yet. You got to.
Is there a Democratic

party? Yes, I'd love to. You should talk to John Fetterman.
Is there a Democratic party

or has it been hijacked by the extreme left? Is there still a Democratic party? Because let me

tell you, I was- It's the exact same thing and it's not even a question. The Republican party

has been hijacked by the, not even the extreme right, by Trumpism, which isn't even right. I mean, a lot of it is like, it's just a cult about one guy.
I wouldn't call it right to be so loving of Russia. Russia? Republicans love Russia now? They're always sucking Russia's dick on Fox News? That isn't right wing.
That's crazy because the leader of their party is crazy. The Democratic Party of 20, 30 years ago is not like the Democratic Party today.
Either is the Republican. I was going to say that next.
No, I agree. Yes.
Because I truly am apolitical.

I vote for people and policies, not parties.

But if I had to describe myself historically, I would say I've always been a social Democrat and a financial Republican.

Do you remember George's girlfriend?

You were very pro-Israel there a minute ago.

No, I don't think so. No? But like I i say i've been the same woman 50 plus years right so it's been a long time okay jewish mistress that was a loaded question i really i didn't think so very clear no no.
I know. Very clear no.

But I'm just saying we've got to do something here that,

independent of who gets elected president,

this country's got to wake up and start being more self-determining than depending on who's in office.

And if you've got idiots out there that aren't putting America first, we've got to kick their ass to the curb. It's just that I don't care if Republican or Democrat, we got to kick their ass to the curb.
We can't have those people contaminating and poisoning the ideology. But see, the Democratic Party is better at self-correcting.
Like Kamala, her speech at the convention was very pro-American. I mean, if you told me that Kamala Harris would be the presidential candidate six months ago and that I accepted that and then said, okay, and she's going to use the word privilege in her acceptance speech, I would have thought it would have been about white privilege and all that bullshit that they're always on about.
Not that it's all bullshit, but it bugs me. They just goat overboard.
But that's not what her speech was about. She said it's a privilege to be an American, which is music to my ears.
That's what that party needs to hear. You don't think she wrote that speech, do you? What politician writes their own speech? Maybe Obama.
But who gives a shit? She said it. That's what matters.
She said it. She gets it.
And by the way, immigrants get that. She's from immigrant stock.
They get that. You're lucky to be here because you could be there where you walked a thousand miles to get away from.
That's one reason why they don't turn on Trump in the way the Democrats would like them to. Trump's popularity keeps going up with immigrants because when he says things like rapists, yeah, that's out of line, but they come from shithole countries.
they're like fucking right we came from a shithole country why do you think we swam here through shark infested waters or whatever the fuck they did we did it because we came from a shithole country this man speaks the truth and now we're not in a shithole country and you know i I mean, there are more inspiring slogans than we're not a shithole country. But I mean, that's a start.
It's a start. And there's too much about this country that does resemble a third world country, not least of which is a wannabe autocrat who does not believe in conceding elections.
That's certainly a mark of a third world country. But, you know, in general, the America is good, especially compared to the way the rest of the world acts.
I feel like the Democrats have gotten back on that message. They're back on that page.
Where is the Republicans? To your point about, like, don't change?

Okay. Everybody at the Democratic convention who spoke was part of the tradition of the Democratic century.
Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Obama. The Republicans had nobody pre-Trump.
George Bush, no Mitt Romney, nobody representing McCain.

It's like that Republican Party didn't exist before Trump because they're not on board with the cult leader. So there is a difference.
What do you think America is going to do when they have time to figure out all of the people that lied about Biden's condition. All the people around him that lied about his condition.
Not me. I kept doing jokes about it, and people would say to me, and they'd stop me in restaurants and say, Bill, stop doing those jokes about Biden.
You're helping Trump. And I'd be like, right, like no one would notice otherwise.
Like I'm the guy who spilled the beans about Biden being old. That's the last thing that helped Trump because it may run against somebody else.
It's amazing how well this turned out for the Democrats. I mean, if they hadn't had the early debate, Biden would be the candidate.
The fact that they had that debate, which never happened before. Nobody ever had a debate in June.
That was the dumbest thing that they could have done. Because once the Democrats saw it, and the Democrats, for once in their lives, got their shit together fast, and they were like, oh, okay, out with the old, in with the new.
So what are you going to do if Trump wins? Nothing. Nothing.
Going on with my show and making jokes at his expense every week. And that's why this is a great country.
Because as crazy as he is, he didn't do anything about it the first time. So I'm just not going to lose my nervous system about it.
Now, he could. He's insane.
So he could, like, start sending people to Guantanamo Bay. I don't put anything past this guy.
He thinks they're eating the cats and the dogs. But am I going to worry about it? First of all, I'm not going to worry about it, Phil, because he's not going to win.
I put my marker down on this last week. I am not even— You said before, that's not going to do it.
That's not going to do it. That's not going to do it.
This time you said this. Right.
That's why I feel like I have credibility on this issue. I have been known as a Trump alarmist.
And now I'm saying I'm not even nervous. I don't think it's going to be.
It's going to be close. The polls are going to be dead even on election day.
I promise. When people get in the booth, they're like some of those people who shop for Christmas at the last minute.
They really don't know what they're doing. What do you think did him in? What crossed you over this time to say he did it? Time.
Just time. It's just enough, enough, enough.
And then you just feel it. Like, I can't take any more.
Like, was it the dogs and the cats? It just was like, like, if you ask me, why did World War I start? Well, the quick answer is the Archduke of Sarajevo was, I mean, the Archduke of the Habsburg Empire was assassinated in Sarajevo. That was the final match.
But it had been building for empires, as you well know, as an empire ruler, don't go to war like that for no reason. It builds, it builds and builds.
I just think they've had enough. Trumpism will live on because Trumpism, to me, is a reaction to the insanity of the left that you and I do agree on.
And as long as they perceive that half the country is fucking batshit nuts, which they're not completely wrong about, there will be another Trump. But I think they've had it with this one.
This one is just worn out as welcome. I mean, they put up with so much from him.
The trials and the women

and the yickiness and the insanity and the Laura Loomers and the, you know, January 6th, all of it they put up with and still not even letting go of the 2020 election. It's just like enough, you know.
it reminds me of guys i know who i knew were not happily married for a very long time and then it just there was like one day when it was like i just can't do it i just can't i know this is going to be so painful these roots go deep we have children blah blah blah i'll lose my money whatever it is i just can't do one more day. And then they divorce, and then they marry the first girl to give them a handjob.
It's so sad. They just fuck it up again.
But it reminds me of that. So you think he's just worn it out? Yes.
You think people are just going to get fatigued? Enough, enough. Just category fatigue? I fatigue i mean it's just going to be we're talking about a few hundred thousand people perhaps but i think it's going to be a little closer than that first of all she's definitely going to win the popular vote as democrats almost always do now but i think she will win i i don't think i think he will of course go batshit insane as he always does he won't accept it um his followers i think will, I don't think, I think he will, of course, go batshit insane as he always does.
He won't accept it. His followers, I think will, I don't think their heart will really be in it as it was in 2020.
Some of them, there's lots of people who will always be in the bunker with Mrs. Goebbels taking the poison and giving the poison to the children because it's better than living in a world without national socialism.
I make an analogy, but I don't say he's a Nazi. But I think for most people, it's just fatigue.
Yes, I think it's time. I compared it to Joe McCarthy.
People got tired of Joe McCarthy in maybe two or three years. But, you know, he wasn't in their face every day.
Media was different then. But he was very Trumpian, and he was very big for that period.
And then it just, you know, it was a little like the end of War of the Worlds. Did you ever see War of the Worlds? The Spielberg version? Oh, it's so great.
Tom Cruise. And, And, you know, they're getting their ass kicked by the aliens.

And then the ending is just, and then they died. Then they got a virus or something.
They got COVID, and they just, and suddenly it was just like, and then they died. Do you agree that both sides need to tone down the rhetoric? Well, we talked about that on the show earlier today.
And the point about rhetoric is he's a peculiar messenger because he calls people scum, vile, vermin. I mean, this is Hitler kind of talk, vermin, enemies of the people.
So he's just no one to talk.

What I said was, look, I'm not going to hold my tongue to say something true just because some borderline person might take that as a reason to kill him or vice versa. I can't worry about what borderline people are going to say if I say he's a threat to democracy, because he is a threat to democracy.
So I'm going to say what I think is true, but you have to play by the same rules. And they don't play by the same rules.
They play by rules where they're literally threatening people, where they're basically saying, we don't want to have to kill you or use our Second Amendment rights. But if you push us too far and you keep winning, yes, we're going to have to do that.
I mean, they say that out loud. Who? Trump, I quoted him with his quote about, we have the rough people.
I've got the police, the military, and they don't want to have to. But if they go too far, okay, that's basically saying I'm going to use police and military.
Democrats don't do that. I mean, you can find some antifa nut who says something like that.
But Democrats don't talk like that. The Heritage Foundation guy had that line about, well, it's going to be, we're at the brink of a second American revolution, and it'll be bloodless if the left lets it happen.
Well, again, that's not how we do things in this country. We don't do, and we threaten you with violence if you don't let our way happen.
That can't be how we do it. See, I think all of that talk on both sides, I think, is hyped up by the media.
I think it is bad for this country. Media, I'm quoting.
I don't think. Well, I know.
But I don't think that that has to be in everybody's face every 30 minutes, news alert, breaking news. No.
I don't think we are as divided as the media makes it out to be. That's true, too.
I don't think we're that divided. I think if you go talk to people throughout America, I don't think they feel nearly as alienated from their counterparts as everybody makes it out to be.
So how do we marginalize both fringes? How do we make them the bad guys, which they kind of are? I couldn't agree more. And that's what I'm saying about this 70% American, they need to stand up and speak up.
And you know Frank Luntz, right? Sure. Frank Luntz, the pollster.
Yes, he actually hung around our show for a while. That was like 20 years ago.
But yeah, I like Frank. I was at his house one night.
We had students there from USC, Democrats and Republicans, that were really hostile students. And they had gotten into some real problems on their websites and name called really some bad blood between them.
And we spent about three hours with him one night at his house, kind of facing off with each other. And I got him to do an exercise one night where they had to stand up and face each other face to face.
Couldn't say anything for a long time. Just had to look each other in the eye.
And I really encouraged them to make eye contact and regard the other person as a human being and ask themselves, wonder what this person went through today. Wonder if their mom is healthy.
Wonder if they've had a loss in their family. Wonder if they have a pet.
Wonder if they're struggling in their classes.

Wonder if they're holding.

You know, anything.

Just regard them as a human being.

That's what I'd ask.

And then I had them answer a couple of questions and then had them circulate through the room and do it over and over again and then had them sit back down.

And this took about five minutes.

And the change in the room, it's online, you can take a look at it, was astounding, where they said, you know what, I really am embarrassed that I haven't really thought about that person as a human being. I thought about him as a Republican, or I thought about him as a Democrat.
and when I stood before them and looked at them, I realized they're just like me.

They're just like me. They're just trying to figure this out and get through it.
And, you know, we really have stopped thinking about each other as human beings. And if you just take time to think about that and say, you know, they're just like me.

And every time I negotiate with somebody or teach negotiation in law enforcement or military or whatever, I always say the first thing you have to do is sit down and say, before we start, let's talk about everything we agree on. Let's just get a good list of everything that we can agree we both want.

And by the time you get through that list, it's like you took the air out of the room.

Because we do want an awful lot of the same thing.

But I've seen you with some people who I wouldn't agree with anything on.

I mean, I saw you with some young black man who believes he's a cyborg from the

future. I don't agree with that.
That's pathology. That's pathology.
I mean, that's a psychiatric

disorder. But that's a sliding scale.
I mean, we're all a little crazy, right? Wouldn't you agree? We're all a little crazy? Well, all human functions on a continuum, and we dip into the... Okay.
So I'm not a cyborg from the future, or I think there are them. But, you know, there are things probably I believe that any human you sat me in front of would think something I think of, you know, it could be a thing about health.
Could be like what I eat. They think, well, that's what you eat every day? Because it's not like normal food.
Then I'm the crazy person. You see what I'm saying? That we're all sort of crazy in other people's eyes.

But do you not think that you could sit down in front of anybody and you couldn't come up with things that you shared and both valued?

Yeah, but it would be overshadowed by the fact that one of them thought they were a cyborg.

Okay, I'm not saying there won't be things on the list, even with a schizophrenic.

But don't you think there would be things that you both would agree on? And take the extreme off the list. Don't you think you could sit down with anybody and find things, any American, and find things that you both wanted? Who was that little brat that was going to fucking fight you? That brat, that kid, that girl.
You're coming up with the most extreme cases. I'm talking about somebody from Montana, Wyoming, somebody from- Listen to you.
The prejudice of your own that you just exhibited. I'm talking about a normal person from Wyoming.
That's to you that's normal. No, I'm saying come up with, we have 336 million people in America.
99% of them, you could find a common base that you could share with that person. That's true.
But you know what? Yes, it could start that way, but I don't know. I am, for some reason, maybe it's you, picturing that kid.
What the fuck? That baby kid, that brat, that kid who was going to, like, go outside and have a fight, and then she became a giant rapper. Right.
But what about her? I want to... I don't like her.
Yeah. Like that.
I don't feel like... I mean, could I...
What would we start with? We're both protoplasms. We could find a million people that you would have huge differences with.
But what about the other 335 million people in America? I want to get them all. I'm greedy like that.

I want everybody to love me. No.
Yes, you can. Do I think there's a consensus of the majority who could be brought to a reasonable middle ground? I do.
And it is the- I'm trying to answer your question. You said, what do we do with the fringes on both sides? and I'm saying

aside from those fringes

the 99% of the people that aren't

exercising answer your question you said what do we do with the fringes on both sides and i'm saying you well aside from those fringes the 99 of the people that aren't exercising the tyranny of the fringe have a basis okay that that they can find some shared values it's not 90 unfortunately if it was 99 we'd be better off about a third of the country are super hard right they used to what we used to callers, John Birch Society. Yeah, but you've got the real friends that I'm really worried about that could do something really stupid.
I'm talking about on the left? No, on the fringes on both sides. Okay, but what I'm saying is like, Trump will never lose like a third of the country.
The The farthest right caveman will never lose. So it's not 99% in the middle.
And then on the other side, you know, there's just— He's got Trump on the brain. Trump on the brain.
As we're in the middle of an election season where he's— You're the one with a cutout of him around the corner here. It's a joke.
Everything here is a joke. I know.
No, I don't have him on the brain because unlike I did on the other two elections, this time I'm saying I'm not even worried about it. You're going to lose.
So you might as well accept that now because it'll be easier when it happens. Who's you? The right.
Well, don't say you like you're personalizing that to me. Oh, that's right.

You're apolitical.

You have no idea.

You have no idea how I vote or who I vote for or why.

I'd bet my house on it, this house that you covet so much.

Really?

You would?

Yeah, I would.

You want to write that down?

Well, it's a private ballot.

You shouldn't tell me and you shouldn't have to tell me. I'm just saying, people can usually read between the lines.
And it doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad person at all.
I mean, I feel so much better now. Yeah, I know you do.
That's my job. It's making you feel better.
Because who's Dr. Phil's Dr.
Phil? See, that's the thing. It's you.
I mean, I come to you to be validated. It's like when Frank Sinatra was getting laid, who did he put on the stereo? You know what I'm saying? Who fills the dentist cavity? Yeah, you're my Dean Martin.
I come to you. Who's going to shrink you? You're my Dean Martin.
Me. Exactly.
Yeah, well. The higher you get, the better it is.
No, I want to know if you're happy. Are you happy? I'm pretty happy.
You are? Yeah, how about you? Yeah. Oh, yeah.
But I'm not married. You know, it's not a mystery why I'm happy.
So nobody knows you're happy. You're just happy with yourself.
I let a little bit leak out once in a while. But then I clean up right after.
Now, boy, did you see all the freak stories in the news this week? Just today, I read about Matt Gaetz at parties with underage girls who were naked. He says a Haitian ate their clothes.
No, I'm kidding. Okay.
But, okay, I read about Matt Gaetz. Did you read about the dude in New York, the COVID czar? I did.
The COVID czar telling people to mask up and not move and hide under the bed until the forever flu went away was not just going out. I mean, it was a scandal here when Gavin Newsom went to a fancy French restaurant called the French Laundry.
This guy went to sex parties. First of all, I want to see how good a sex party is for a COVID czar.
Like, Puffy's sex parties, those people were hot. I mean, I'm not saying he was doing the right thing.
He seems like a monster. But I'm guessing the people were hot.
But I want to know who was at the COVID dude's sex party. Because I just am picturing the nude beach, which is always, you know, you go and then it's like, boy, all the wrong people want to go to the nude beach.
Yeah. What was my question? I have no idea.
I think this is so... I think you went off the rails right after Matt Gaetz.
Oh, yeah. So there was, okay, Matt Gaetz, the dude in North Carolina, the guy, Mark Robinson, running for governor, who was a denizen of porn shops and was on Nude Africa, this website, as governors do, Nude Africa and black Nazi and watched girls in the locker room.
Like, he checked every single box. And the COVID guy.
So it looks like everybody's just doing freaky shit. Well, not everybody.
Well, okay, that's a lot. You had a pretty good day.
That's a pretty, to go from the governor. You had a pretty normal day, right? You just went to work and came back.
No. Well, I had a normal day.
I got up, lit the bong, had unprotected sex with a Haitian, burned the American flag. Ate a cat.
Then had my coffee. Took fentanyl and went to work.
Yeah. Did the show and rushed here apologize for being late but i appreciate you doing it oh no this is a great way to spend it what are you normally doing on a friday night are you home um play tennis um at night yeah i have lights oh i'll bet you do but wait till all the people die and there's no one to fix them but the Haitians.
Ben, what are you going to do, play tennis in the dark? No, I'll have a Haitian out there. You'll be at the grill with the cats.
Come on in, guys. I'll have a college professor that got fired.
Cats on? I'll have a college professor out there that got fired for not teaching his course. Here's a hamburger.
Who wants a dog? No, an actual dog. But do you have date nights? We do.
Yeah, we go out. Oh, you always go out on a date night? No, but sometimes we do.
I mean, she likes to go out. We go out when we want to go out.
We stay on weeks. You know, we do both.
Where do you go when you go out? It depends on what city you're in. Last time we went out was Vegas.
We went to. Oh, Vegas.
Yeah. Yeah.
We had our anniversary. Oh.
Oh. So I had to do some stuff there.

Yeah.

Always good to fit in your anniversary with a working weekend.

This is actually during the week, so.

Right.

I mean, come on.

What did you expect?

You to give up a Wednesday?

She likes Carrie Underwood, so we went to see Carrie Underwood. Hell of a great show.
Oh, that's nice. Yeah.
Hell of a great show. And we like Carrie.
We know her and spent some time with her and saw the show. Oh, you got her backstage? Great show if you haven't seen it.
Oh. If you haven't seen it, great show.
I'm guessing this worked out well at night. Yeah, that was a good anniversary there.
Well, you know, you always have to approach the mind. Yeah.
Maybe we need to get you married. That's what we should do.
Well, I think that bus has sailed. You think that ship has sailed? Well, I mean, look, certainly people have done it after 68 but uh you know it's it's just a sucker but what kind of woman you think it would you'd be attracted to the kind who doesn't want to get married i found one just like it yeah yeah no really i mean kind of it.
I mean, it's all about what I've learned after having lived so many years stupidly is that the most important thing is, I mean, you can love a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons. But who's right for you? Who's right for you? And that's all about just vibing in a way where all these things that strengths, excuse me, are always telling us we need to put up with.
Like, well, you're going to have fights. Everyone has fights.
It's just how you fight. I don't accept that.
I don't want any fights, ever. No conflict.
No conflict, right. So you're conflict avoidant? If I can be.
I mean, I'm not avoiding it. It's just not happening.
And it should, you know, there's no reason why it should. If two people just accept each other and, you know, you be you and i be me and and um when you be me and i be me and one plus two equals three so what's the longest i just made that part up yeah i know uh what's the longest you've dated somebody in the last couple of years yeah five years five years and no conflict no conflict of course not i don't allow conflict i mean i wouldn't i don't want sometimes like a guy will like be naggy about something i'm like you know what i don't do this with women you think i'm gonna do this with you you think i'm gonna do this with a guy there no nagging in my life.
There's no nagging and there's no pressure and there's no jockeying and none of that. So, like, no.
I mean, whatever it is, there's no reason to fight over it. Whatever you're asking me, if I could do or wanted to do, I would do.
And if I can't, then just shut the fuck up. You know, I mean, it's just, I don't know why people make life so complicated.

And, I mean, Nikki Glaser, God love her, was here the other day, and I love her to death.

But she was telling me about her relationship, and, like, they see a therapist once a week.

Yeah, I know Nikki.

You're the therapist.

No, I wouldn't have said that if I was.

Oh, she's the best.

And I love her boyfriend.

Yeah.

But I can't imagine, like, going to a therapist once a week,

or any doctor, would be upsetting.

And just, like, a tune-up.

I mean, does that make sense to you?

That you need that much monitoring?

Yeah. I mean, you do what works man i mean if yeah if you've got somebody that is willing to do that but but you need a ref that like you can't go more than six days without needing some other person to tell you when you're an asshole i mean i just don't don't think I can live under the sword of Damocles like that.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I mean, I just want to live.
I just want to, you know, I don't know. So you do what you want to do when you want to do it.
Perfectly said. And if you don't want to do it, you don't do it.
That's right. Why is that so hard to like, and you can do that, and it's okay to like, and I would say the same of everyone else.
I don't know why that's such a hard train to get on, but I'm no one to talk because I certainly spent most of my life looking back with situations that it was dumb to be in for one reason or another. But that's life.
I was talking to Cheech here the other day, and he said something I so agree with about aging. He said, you see patterns.
If you want to know why older people are wiser, it's patterns.

And it is. You see it the first time, and you've never seen it before, so it gets you.
And then you see it the second time, and you're still stupid, it gets you again, but not as bad. By the third time it comes around, it's like, okay, I've seen this movie, and you're not going to get me this time.
I have this thing I've done before particularly with guys

but movie and you're not going to get me this time yeah i have this thing i've done before uh particularly

with guys but i call it a life ruler that i've used it's i mean i actually physically have this thing that i roll out and it goes from zero to 80 which is kind of the life expectancy is less than that now for men. In America, it's less than 75 now.
And if you start at zero and you walk down and stand on your age and look over your shoulder at how much is behind you and how little is ahead of you, you really start to have the attitude that you've had for a long time. It's like, you know what? I don't have a lot ahead of me and a whole lot behind me.
I'm going to do what I want to do when I want to do it because, I mean. Oh, you're making me want another drink.
Yeah. Really.
But think about it. No, you're right.
I do think about it, and you can't not think about it. The number of summers you have left, you you can count on your two hands and you're not sure how many of those are going to be quality uh you kind of don't want to waste any time doing shit you don't want to do and that's a life ruler yeah and what made me think about it is yeah i've been a pilot my life, and the one thing you can't use is runway behind you.
That's of no value to you at all. It's only runway ahead of you.
Right. It's a very good analogy.
Yeah. Right.
That's of no use. It's there.
It's there, but it is of no use to you. Runway behind you, no use.
Only what you got ahead of you. No, that's right.
And what you got ahead of you is what, if life expectancy is right. Yeah, but do you think AI might swoop in at the last minute and, you know, there'll be people of our generation who will be the first ones to live forever? I'm guessing not.
Well, that was not the answer I hoped for. I'm guessing not.
I'm guessing not too, but it's possible, right? Yeah, it's always possible. Because these things advance exponentially, things like AI.
Yeah. And both for good and evil, we don't know.
It could be very evil. We could live forever, but under our overlords, the cyborgs, like your friend.
Yeah, but would you get tired of you? I've asked that question of myself before. Like, if I really, what if they did Cure Aging and I was like 1,200? Would I still like me doing the puzzle? Like, would that still amuse me after 1,200 years of doing the crossword puzzle? Or would I be on to something else? Like, after 1,200 years, would somebody come in and go, Bill, try Wordle.
It's been 1,200 years. Or would I be, like, really good at it? Yeah.
I don't know. But it's sobering any time you feel the breath of mortality on the back of your neck.
Yeah. I mean, does that cause you to feel any sense of urgency? No, I go to the bathroom pretty regularly.
Yeah, that wasn't exactly what I meant. But you're a doctor, you understand.
No, I feel like you can't rush because then you'll ruin it anyway. And life goes by so fast.
I mean, the fact that we're almost into, well, I guess the fall is tomorrow. Okay, so we're into the fall, which basically is the end of the year.
I mean, once you get into the fall, it's already Christmas.

I mean, they might as well put up Santa tomorrow,

and I'm sure they're doing it in places.

And somehow another year is shot.

But the other side of it is these are the good years

because you're comfortable in your own skin.

And that's what I mean.

That's what I say about presidential election, yeah, this, that, the other. But really, you and I, at the age we are, pretty healthy.
Right. Minds are working.
Right. Got pretty good lives.
Minds are working and we're working. Yeah.
That's a lot of it. People retire and you don't have a purpose.
There are people our age, most people our age are retired. Oh, absolutely.
And I mean, because like, don't you think we got it pretty good? Very good. Oh, I think about it every day.
Because you love what you do. Love what I do.
I mean, I know these things. I love this.
I know these things, and I watch what you do. You love what you do, and it's not work to you.
If you're ever fortunate enough that your avocation and vocation are the same thing, man, and you're getting paid for it. And the worst job in entertainment is better than the best job outside of entertainment.
Yeah. I mean, when you start looking at the money, it's crazy.
Let's not give people a complete misimpression. There is work in the sense of like, when I have time off, I need time off because as much as I do enjoy my work, it is work and I don don't always feel like doing the parts of it I have to do in order to put on the product I want to put on Friday night.

But I make myself do it.

But are there times when I'd rather be watching the game

or masturbating or something?

Thanks for sharing that.

I'm very visual, so that was traumatic for me.

I don't understand that.

Everybody masturbates, and it's the most normal thing in the world

Thank you. I'm very visual, so that was traumatic for me.
I don't understand that. Everybody masturbates, and it's the most normal thing in the world when we talk about it clinically.
But somehow, like in life, nobody ever goes, Dinner, honey, I'm masturbating. I'll be down in a minute.
And somehow it's a shameful thing, and it's not. I didn't say it was shameful.
I just said it was visual, and I didn't need that image. I know, but it stopped you in your tracks.
And it's just like, that's what I might be doing if I wasn't working. But I don't.
I put down the penis. I put down the remote, and I do my work.
So I'm just saying, yes, we love our work, but sometimes it is just work. And it's also very taxing.
And it takes a lot out of me. You know, it takes a lot out of just the pot smoking.
I mean, the energy, please. There's a lot of prep that goes into it that people don't see.
My mother asked me one time. Not this, plainly.
But the other one, yes. My mother asked me one time in dead seriousness, she said, Philip, what do you do the other 23 hours of the day? Because, I mean, she'd watch me from four to five and said, what do you do the other 23 hours of the day? That's precious.
And I said, well, you know, I've got to drive over there. Yeah, I've got to drive.
You know, it's like, you shouldn't understand, I get a 50-page book. Yeah, you got your push-ups in the morning.
Yeah. But I was thinking, I told you I was in Arizona the other day, and it was seriously 114 degrees at one point.
I was out with a sheriff out in the desert in his car, and it was the furthest we were from our base of operations, and the air conditioner breaks in his car.

And we've got to drive back 40 minutes, 114, no air conditioning.

Wow.

And I'm thinking, glamorous life of a TV star. you know

everywhere

out in

this desert

just

melting

water

just melting

water

just melting

water

just melting

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water just melting water just melting water just melting back 40 minutes 114 no air conditioning wow i'm thinking glamorous life of a tv star you know we're out in this desert just it's melting it's horrible and you you you run your ass around the country way more than i do yeah well i know you go to all these places too i i do stand up but i'm stopping after this year at least for next year i might go back to it but i'm gonna at least take next year off. Really? Yeah.
And even now, I mean, and for the last many years, I do like, you know, I would say 40 to 50 dates a year, which is considerable, but it's not like Leno. It's not like every, and it's like every other weekend just for two days.
It's not a lot. But you, I feel like, you like to get in your- I'm really upset Southwest Airlines.
You quit doing your standout. What's this? I'm really upset Southwest Airlines.
You stop doing your standout. Southwest Airlines.
Aren't you adorable? I was on, my plane broke. I almost called you because you were like, if you ever need a plane, I should have called you.
I told you. I know.

Anyway, so we went back on sun air.

And I, look at that.

I've never seen you make that face.

I'm sorry.

Get a medic in here.

Sorry.

Did I upset you with the thought of flying with the common people, sir?

No, I just think of the experience of the pilots on some of these secondary airlines.

It's not the best. So I'm expecting to go on a private plane, and we wind up on Sun Air.
I've got to tell you, and this is in your alley, I wish I had done more of this in my life. But again, it's good to be older.
You're smarter about things. I just made up my mind before we even left the private airport.
I'm just going to embrace this. I could, like, be a little bitch about it.
But it's like, you know what? I never even flew first class until I was 37. I mean, I grew up, I was poor a lot in my early, my 20s, like 18 to 27.
I was poor. And so I don't feel bad about the plane.
And I was like, you know what? I'm so lucky I get to do that. And it came out in the wash that I could.
But let's use this as a learning experience. And boy, was it.
And they were so nice. Sun Air.
Thank you, Sun Air. You got me home.
But what people put up with, it's good to be reminded. First of all, the COVID thing.
No, I was the COVID skeptic of all time to begin with. But like now, it tripled that because the idea that we locked down the whole country, everybody had to wear a mask everywhere.
And yet on the plane, planes were still flying. Even if you had a mask, everyone's like, I mean, and then you have to take it off to eat.
You couldn't devise a better way to make sure the disease was spreading except to put people in this tube, this cylinder, have them serve food so they are eating with the mask off and then land someplace so they disperse to a new area.

And I was like, oh, fuck you people with that.

Okay, so, but Sun Air, they were great.

They were so nice.

And I remember the stewardesses were so, stewardesses,

I mean flight attendants.

See, the last time I flew, they were called stewardesses.

And I was talking to them, and I said, you know, the last time I flew, they were called stewards. And I was talking to them, and I said, you know, the last time I flew, they showed one movie.
You know, and you bought a headset for $3. Which they were up there squirting with stuff to clean it each time.
But we land, and even when we landed, it was like, oh, thank God we're home. Not even close.
Like, you had to get a fucking, like, shuttle bus to your baggage claim. And the shuttle bus, of course, that takes 20 minutes.
Everybody piles on. They look like zombies at this point.
And then the bus, it's driving on the tarmac. Like, it gets halfway there, and I guess we had to wait for some plane to pass us.
Like, I think it was Hawaiian Airlines had to pass before we couldn't go behind them. Maybe we were to be hit by their tail exhaust or something.
So we waited for a half hour standing in this bus. And I was like, what the fuck's going on? Like, why are we sitting here? And everybody just had to look on their face like, this is what happened.
You got a flat. We did it.
We did this every week. And it was like, wow, they really have zombified the people to accept.
And well, Sun has a good safety record, by the way. I had never even heard of them.
No, they have a good safety record. They't have been nicer i loved the people at sun air and boy that tuna sub at the airport what was where were you coming from special cuisine i was coming from minneapolis and i was supposed to go to milwaukee it was the night before the republican convention i was supposed to play milwaukee and never made it there but it probably is for the best because because he was shot like two days earlier shot in the ear the first one um they said that they had roped off all of downtown i probably couldn't have gotten to the hotel or the venue so it probably would have been a fool's errand to go anyway but i did try because i didn't want people to think that I was not going there because I was in some way put off by, I don't know what kind of internet conspiracies that come up with.
They'd say some crazy shit. Bill Maher didn't go to Milwaukee when he was scheduled to because Trump had been shot and he, what? Nothing.
But that's what they would have said. They would have made up some crazy shit.
Yeah, somehow. So I tried, but it wasn't happening.
So we took Sun Air back home. So you go make that up, that date? I already did.
Oh. I only ever missed two other dates in my life, and it was never because of health.
I've never missed a show because of health. They made me not do two real times during the pandemic because I tested positive, but I was fine.
I could have done the show. But okay.
But other than that, never missed a show. Never missed a stand-up show except one time the airport was fogged in.
We couldn't land. Another time the plane broke going to Texas.
And when I did the make-up date, I put out free barbecue in the parking lot for everybody who came back. Oh, yeah? That's good.
Yeah, because that's a shitty. That's good business.
Even though I couldn't help it, it's a shitty thing to do to people. People take a shower, and they pick out a shirt, and it's date night, and we're going to see this show, and then you don't even show up.
I can't take it. All these rock stars that show up three hours late, don't show up or canceled shows.
How awful. Yeah, that's terrible.
You know? That's terrible. I mean, this whole thing about us being lucky, we're lucky because a lot of people make us lucky, right? No kidding.
I mean, without them, nothing. Nothing.
Yeah, I don't understand these leaving audience standing there for three hours. When I say our show starts at 9.30, at 9.29.59, first beat of that music goes, and we're going.
Madonna does it. Really, Madonna? You haven't proved by now that you're cool.
We get it. You're Madonna.
You're iconic. You don't need to like, oh, and I can make you wait three hours.
It would be so much cooler not to do that. First of all, it's been done to death.
When I've had big names on the show over the years, the bigger the name, the smaller the ego. I mean, I've had like the third runner up from American Idol come over with an entourage that you've got to open the gates for.
And Stevie Wonder shows up 20 minutes early for his call time and brings donuts for everybody. I swear to God, the bigger the star, the smaller the ego has been my experience.
Yeah. He thought he was inork yeah probably anyway um yeah well that i mean that's generally true i mean i know there are exceptions there are exceptions but i know what you're saying that that um the people who have no reason to be insecure because their place in the firmament of show business is so secure and And, you know, security, not that I have to tell a shrink like you, is like a lot of it, right? How secure you feel.
I mean, again, not to be always lauding what's great about age, now that we have so few moons left ahead of us, now that you depress me about that. Don't you depress now? When are you going to go home and say, oh, God.
But one of the great things is that, just being secure. It's like, of all the things that probably fucked it up with women in the era, and that era stretched on for quite a while, when I was trying to impress women and go out with women, it's insecurity.
They can smell it on you. It's not attractive.
It's not sexy. It's Axe body spray.
It's psychological Axe body spray. It's a big turnoff.
And when you have it, when you have true security, because you can't fake it, because they can smell that on you too oh yeah um you know they always put out these books when i was a kid how to pick up women books you see it in the ad of national lampu in the back of national so how to pick up women and it was always some scam about basically presenting yourself something you totally were not as if you could even pull this off at that age. And you can't, even at any age.
They can smell that on you. Like, you know, pretend you don't really like her.
Well, she's going to know if you really like her. Did you buy those? I don't think I ever bought one, but we kind of all knew what they said.
I don't remember ever having one, because if I had one had one i'd still have it because it's the kind of artifact i would not have thrown away but i certainly remember the ads and that was always the the basic gist of it was you know like play hard to get well she doesn't want me anyway i don't think this is not really improving she's not gonna notice yeah exactly she's not gonna notice don't act interested yeah well she's got it back to me yeah way ahead of you that's hysterical yeah you could have written a book right exactly so you know shit like that and then you know later on in life when you're less horny, which a lot because it makes you less desperate and when you're less desperate you're more attractive yeah they can smell desperation they certainly can they really can it's one of their great assets yeah that marijuana they can smell on you well as soon as you turn the corner, here comes Desperate Bill. Smell pot and desperation.
Okay. Well, I should probably release you back into the wild.
All right. Thanks for doing this.
Thanks for talking about Merritt Street Media. I'm proud of it.
When you're going to do a Dallas show, you got to come by and see me.

Of course.

I've got five acres under roofs there,

and we're doing all kinds of stuff.

If I'm ever in Dallas again.

No, really.

Do you come to Texas?

Well, I do, but now that I'm not doing stand-up next year,

like the only reason I ever went to Dallas, not that I don't love Dallas, was that. I bet you had good crowds in Dallas.
But now that I have more free time, great. I mean, I love places like that.
Yeah. Because, you know, I get a mostly liberal crowd, but they're not a stick-up-their-ass woke crowd.
That's my kind of crowd. I love Dallas.
I'll send a plane for you. I'll go Sun Air.
I'm not like you. The last thing I would want is to own a plane.
It's like the same thing with marriage. I'm not like you.
The last thing I would want is to own a plane. It's like the same thing with marriage.
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That's how long on average hackers have to use your social security number, open accounts, take out loans, and destroy your credit before you even know you've been exposed. By the time you get that breach notification email, the damage is done.
Your identity stolen, your financial future at risk, and the company that lost your data, they'll just apologize and move on. Hackers aren't waiting.
Why are you? This can all sound really scary, which is why I'm so glad we're partnering with Aura. Hackers don't wait, so why should you? Aura monitors the dark web 24-7 for your phone number, email, and social security number.
Because the moment they show up for sale, criminals are ready to use them. If Aura detects your info, you'll get an instant alert so you can act before the damage is done.
What if your identity is already stolen? Criminals can take out loans, max out credit cards, and vanish. That's why Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance and a US-based fraud resolution team that works around the clock to shut down fraud fast and get your life back on track.
Your personal data is a goldmine for hackers and Aura helps lock it down. With a VPN for private browsing, data broker opt out to stop companies from selling your info, and a password manager help secure your accounts or gives you the tools to fight back for a limited time or is offering our listeners a 14 day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online all for free when you visit aura.com slash defense that's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones.
That's A-U-R-A dot com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details.
Welcome to Pro Tips for the Pros brought to you by Florin Decor Gilroy. In this series, we'll explore essential advice for professional contractors to deliver outstanding renovation results.
Let's dive in. Clear communication is key to a successful renovation.
Keep the customer informed at every stage of the project, addressing any concerns or questions promptly to maintain trust and satisfaction. Thank you for joining us for this pro tip on planning thorough renovations.
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