Henry Winkler | Club Random with Bill Maher

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I was not hireable. People said, oh, he's so funny.
He's so great. But he was the font.
He was the font. Thank you for saving that story for me.
That's awesome. Thank you.
And it's real. It is real.
Wow. Henry? Yes! Are you really here? No! How you doing? Oh, wow.
I am sensational. It is a pleasure to see you.
Did they tell you it's airing on St. Patrick's Day? No, I just like color.
Oh, you do? Yeah. You always dress like that? I dress in color, yeah.
I do. Well, I didn't expect you to wear a chatter like a Muslim woman in a conservative.
No, I tried that. that it just too damn hot in la um and the socks i

see are also i like socks right these i got in australia when i toured with my book yes let's

get to the book so i'm gonna let's do the plugs right away all right but did you read it not yet

that's for you okay okay but i heard great things about it thank you uh this is the kind right away. All right.
But did you read it? Not yet. Then that's for you.
Okay. Okay.
But I heard great things about it. Thank you.
This is the kind of book I get to read when the season ends, because during the season, I have so much. Yeah.
I mean, to try to keep up with all the news and all the people and all their opinions. Especially today, as we record it.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Yeah.
And this is a memoir? It is a memoir. It is my son, Max, who is our youngest child, said to me, Dad, you've got a lot of stories.
You should tell your stories. Right.
And I said, I can't really do that because I'm dyslexic. So I met a man named James.
And I flew him out here. I didn't know I had to fly him out here and feed him three times a day.
Who is he? He's a writer. Oh, to help you with the book.
Yes. And we spoke for about 70 hours and then we cobbled the book together.

So I'll tell you why I would never write a memoir, I think.

Because I just read Streisand's.

Oh, yes.

Which was awesome.

And I just read Woody Allen's. Yes.

Which is awesome.

Right.

Mine is not either that long or that controversial. No, but here's what spooks me about it.
Okay. When you write the memoir, and they're both 82, I think.
Right. So funny, so similarities, because they both grew up in Brooklyn.
Right. Same age.
When you write a memoir, it kind of is saying, I'm done with the living part of my life. Not necessarily.
Well, I mean, very few people- That is to you, and I understand that makes you uncomfortable. I'm still having a great time.
No, I know. But like, when you read a book and the person is 82, you don't expect to turn to the last page and see, and read part two of this when I'm 150.
You know, It's like you're not going to write part two after 82. And I don't want to ever say, announce to myself or the world, like I'm writing the memoir.
It means I'm kind of done. And again, you're not done.
You're kind of peaking. I'm having a great time.
I'm having a great time. Now, at the same time— You're working a lot.
I do. And at the same time that this comes out in paperback, because if people found the hard copy a little heavy to carry on a plane, I now—it is in a beautiful blue, the cover of the— I'm not kidding.
Really, it goes with everything.

Why not the pants color for the book?

You saved that for the pants?

My 40th children's book is coming out a week before.

40th?

Yes.

You've written 40 children's books?

I have.

Well, of course, they're short.

And there's only a few words of them because they're for fucking kids.

Well, you know what?

You might want to look at it...

You'll write one in the afternoon.

I'm kidding you.

I know you are.

Because that's your...

Thank you. words of them because they're for fucking kids that's well you know what you might want to write one in the afternoon i'm kidding you i know you are because that's you you're funny my my daughter zoe sends her best she never misses a friday night oh that's awesome that's i love that i i want to bring families together and you do and You do.
But, okay, so being Henry, and then my plugs are, I'm at the Orpheum Theater in Memphis, September 28th. This is stand-up, of course.
Taft Theater in Cincinnati, the 29th. Right.
November 1st and 2nd at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand in Lost Wages, Nevada. Do you ever get to Vegas? I do.
I get there about once a year, maybe once every two years. What do you say we go together and hit the Spearmint Rhino? Okay, so what I do- Would you do that? Would you go to the Rhino with me? I don't know what the Rhino is.
Oh, come on. I've never been to a club.
Any kind of club? I've never been to a club. You know, that's not true.
There was a club years ago that every 20 minutes, like, moist, cold steam came down. Yeah.
I've been to places like that. Okay, fine.
I was just at a restaurant in Miami that did that, that blew, like, fucking exactly what you described, like, every 20 minutes. And we're having dinner, and it's like a disco in there it's like loud as and this is a restaurant and can i also say bill that i mean i don't drink but that's only because i'm not good alcohol in my body but i could not pay fifteen hundred dollars for a small bottle of whatever it is? I'll pay.

Okay.

Absolutely.

First of all, you could.

I'm sure you're very wealthy.

No, no, no.

It's not a matter of that I can't afford it.

It makes me crazy.

Well, if you don't even know what the Spearmint Rhino is,

I'm hesitant to ask what my next question was,

which was going to be, would you wear the Fonzie jacket?

No, because it's so hot in Las Vegas.

Not in the club.

But that jacket is in the Smithsonian.

It's a strip club.

You could give it to one of the dancers.

It's a strip club.

Yes.

I can't go.

Why?

Because my wife, Stacy, would not be happy with me in a strip club.

And that's where you and I are different.

See?

Because you're not married to Stacy.

I'm not married. At all.
Well, I mean. Have you ever been? No.
Because where you and I are different. See? Because you're not married to Stacey.
I'm not married.

At all.

Well, I mean...

Have you ever been?

No.

Because if you're married...

Were you ever?

Well, I mean, I'm punching 70 in the mouth.

You don't look 70.

Thanks.

You don't look whatever you are either.

I'm 79.

That's amazing.

You look better than me because you look, I would guess...

Bill, you look great.

Early 60s.

Thank you. Well, I owe it all to uh to what the spearmint rhino no look we all have our you have a piece of that club uh no but i'm taking a few pieces out with you yes very well good timing i'm not kidding okay that It was great.
No, thank you. What is in that? What are you drinking? Tequila.
Oh, all right. Why? Well, it's cloudy.
Doctor? I'm drinking still water. It's not cloudy.
Doctor, maybe you can tell me what this cloudy sensation is in my urine. There's clouds in my coffee, as Carly Simon said.
But no, I've never been married because I'm just not the kind of man who can be told where to go and where not to go. And some guys, I'm not criticizing that.
We're all just individuals and different. No, listen, I admire that you know that about yourself.
I'm a lone wolf and I have a tiger. Like I have to like stay.
I'm like Willem Dafoe in Platoon where he's like, no, I can get there faster on my own. I got to travel late.
I mean, some people are like that. I know other people like – I've known men who like absolutely hate it if they get divorced or something and they're waking up alone.
They really don't. They like to meet the day with a person next to them.
Right. And even share a kiss, which I think is gross after sleep because of the breath and everything.
Yeah, but not everybody has bad breath in the morning. Oh, please.
I have met some people who don't. That's like saying my shit don't stink.
Is that true? No. No does.
No, I'm just saying it's like one's shit doesn't stink. To say that somebody's breath...
I have experienced good breath in the morning. Who are these women? My wife.
That's why you married her? One of the reasons. Well, we all got a list.
No, there was a Barbara who just, like never brushed, wouldn't talk to her again. Is that? Really? No.
I made that up. And how long have you been married? 46 years.
Wow. Yeah.
And still the breath is good. So you were at the height of your fame when you got married? I was a candle on her four-year-old son's cake.
The $6 million man and the Fonz. I was a candle on his cake.
And we met in a clothing store. And I took her to see a movie in Westwood, our first date.
So you just met by happenchance? I was there buying a jacket. I could afford the jacket.
So this was like a meet cute? I think so. I asked her, I said, which one do you like better? I held up two jackets.
She said both because I found out that she actually was the publicist for the store. It was the Jerry Magnon, very high-end boutique.
But you didn't ask her this question because you really wanted the answer so much as you were macking on her already, correct? Yes, that is true. I didn't care what she said.
I just wanted to meet this gorgeous redhead. I see.
Oh, redhead. Yeah.
I see. Yeah.
And then it just, and how much? Are you going to last this? You're not going to fall asleep? Oh, sweetheart, you're adorable. Yeah.
Am I going to last? You've just put so much of several and drops in there. Well, that's not, there's no drugs in there.
That's just a clean way of drinking soda instead of having chemicals. Oh.
That's to iron out the tequila I just put in there. This will get you high, though.
And I'm guessing this is not for you either. No, I can't do that.
I appreciate you putting up with my terrible habits, Henry. Yeah, but I'm very happy to be here.
Well. And we're also in your fun room, and apparently you're having fun.
Fun room. I am.
I love that. I'm going to call it the fun room.
Well well look at it i'm no it is a fun room you're right it is a wonderful place yes to have people over and i do and well before we built the cameras into the wall so we could do this i was often sitting in this exact chair just talking to somebody unfortunately they were not nearly as interesting as you half the time because they were just so nice of you to say's true. Like, I get to do what I always did in this room.
But now, you know, last week it was Quentin Tarantino. And the week before that, it was, I don't know.
It's such a great thing to be able to. I had lunch with Mr.
Tarantino in Israel three years ago. First time, no, I met him at Adam Sandler's wedding.
He was there. And I saw him years later in Israel.
Well, he loves to take people and rehabilitate their careers. Not that yours needs rehabilitation.
I could use it. If he's watching, I'm an actor.
I mean, if anybody's at and working, but like you have one of those careers that I would say I'll probably leave some a few people out who should go on this list. But there's a very short select list of people in television who the American audience has just said, we just keep wanting to see them.
So put them in whatever. Michael Landon was one of those.
Michael Landon. Always had his Ted Danson.
Ted, funny. But like always has something going on.
Yes. Like they just.
Ted and I were on Paramount at the same time. On? Cheers.
He was doing Cheers and I was doing Happy Days. Oh, they were both Paramount shows? Wow.
Different network, though. Different network.

Right. Oh, I remember when I was in college at Cornell, and it was not a happy experience.
I'm sorry. Why? It's, you know, it was the passage of life.
Did you graduate? Of course. Yeah.
In seven semesters, not eight. Wow.
Right out of money. I was a pot dealer.
Not much has changed. Anyway, no, I don't deal it anymore.
I deal with it. Yes.
But happy that I was, you know, a strange kid. I did not make friends.
Where did you grow up? I grew up in New Jersey. In New Jersey.
What town? A little town called Rivervale. No one ever heard of it.
One of those thousands of bedroom communities that were populated after the GI Bill. My parents bought their house for way less than what a car is now after World War II.
Oh, yeah. What things cost now.
Yeah. I think the house was $24,000.
Yeah. It's amazing.
It couldn't get a hundred. I caught my first house where I had my first conversation with Stacy.
I got for $75,000 in Studio City. $75,000.
Wow. When in 1975-ish.
well that must have been a shithole because like my first house, which is small, like as small as you can get, like starter house in the mid 80s was over 200. And that was like the lowest end of the market.
It was not. It was a wonderful little house in Studio City.
Barbara Walters came and interviewed me there and literally said, you have no library. How can you live here with no library? And I said, easily.
I'm having a great time here. I mean, she meant like a formal library.
I think so. I mean, I'm having a great time here I mean she meant like a formal library I think so I mean I'm certain you had bookshelves I had bookshelves Yeah okay that's what most people have They don't have a full on library I thought that was weird Okay so and you're now what You live in a big baller mansion With a shark tank and all that shit? You know what? I don't have a shark tank, but I watch it.
But I do like the house we live in now is large enough so that our children and grandchildren can all come and be happy. Oh.
Yeah. That sounds like my perfect night, too.
We owned a house. Bill, I don't mean to interrupt you, but we owned a house in Bel Air that had too many rooms, and I couldn't go and use all of them.
It made me crazy. I never understand people who want giant houses.
I mean, you want space. I'm with you.
I always call them the where's the gift shop house because like you walk in and you want to say, where's the gift shop? Or kitchens that are bigger than this fucking room. And also you don't sleep well in a giant bedroom.
The more womb-like your room is, you just want to be comfortable. People are such

fucking pigs. It's also very hard

to cool a large

bedroom. Right.
High ceilings,

that kind of shit.

Yeah, I love our

house. But if I just can finish that thought

You go right ahead. I will

not interrupt you.

Especially when I'm complimenting you,

there are just not that many people

who the American audience

Thank you. No, no.
Especially when I'm complimenting you, there are just not that many people who the American audience has said, you know, like, okay, we saw him on Fonzie, but now we want to see him again. And then there's, you know, Arrested Development.
And we still want to see him. And then Barry, you know, like they just want to follow you as they watch you age and, you know, grow into some completely different person.
I'm going to interrupt you now. I mean, that's a...
I am very grateful. You should.
I do not take that for granted. No, you shouldn't.
It's rare. I'm knocking on wood right now.
It's rare, especially since you did one of the most Houdini-esque escapes that you can do in a show business, which is get out of massive fame in a typecastable role. That's a Houdini-esque maneuver.
That was hard work. Oh, I know.
That was sometimes painful. I'll bet.
I was not hireable. People said, oh, he's so funny, he's so great, but he was the Fonz.
He was the Fonz. And I could not get hired.
And one of those periods was when I started writing with Lynn Oliver, writing children's books, because I could not get hired. And a friend said, write books about your dyslexia for kids.

I said, I can't do that because I'm dyslexic. Oh, so you're dyslexic.
I am very. So that's probably why you don't have a library.
What point is it? Reading was difficult. No.
You know who I like to read? Dan Silva. Daniel Silva writes thrillers about a man who is the head of the Mossad.
Oh. Yeah.
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So this is the second time you mentioned Israel. Yes.
So that was the first time I ever went.

I would not go to Israel. I was convinced if I stepped terra firma on Israel, I stepped off the plane, onto the tarmac, a war would break out.

Why?

I don't know why.

It's a tick.

That's more than a tick.

Yeah.

That's psychotic.

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

Why you stepping off the plane? No, no. Not me.
Just... Oh, just bad timing? Bad timing.
Well, it is... No, I wouldn't cause the war.
Oh, I see. I would just be in the middle of it.
I thought they were like, fuck the Fonz. Hey.
It's on. Henry's here.
Allahu Akbar, the Fonz. Really? This is the last fraud.
Oh, my God. The Fonz is in Israel.

Now we have to get them into the sea.

Yeah.

Oh.

What about their prime minister?

Are we allowed to talk about that?

Of course.

You can talk about anything.

That's what I love about this.

I really think that he knows if, God forbid, he steps down or the war is over, he's in jail.

I mean, that's possible, and we hear that a lot. I mean, it's interesting.
I believe it to my core. Yeah.
Well, you don't know what to, I mean, that could be the case. You don't know what's in a person's heart.
Whether that's true or not, you can still be supportive of the decisions he's making, which I am. Okay.
It's very naive, I think, that this could go any other way. Right.
And any other country in the world would not be expected to act any differently. If you get attacked, you get to fight back.
And the war doesn't end when you start fighting back, which they always want with Israel. You know, when somebody...
You know what? A lot of what you're saying is true. However, I think that, you know, when somebody...
The job of a statesman and a leader and a prime minister to think long term and not just short term. Like if they don't eliminate Hamas.
They're not going to eliminate Hamas. Hamas is an idea, not a group of people.
That's a bullshit thing. It's not bullshit.
Well, let me tell you something. They've said that for years.
I just read, I think, Sam Harris on this and he said it right. I know Sam.
Okay, like Sam. Love Sam.
Great, I'm glad we both do. And he said this thing we've heard a lot of times, you can't kill an idea.
He said, well, we did after World War II. Until now.
We did kill a lot of Japanese, and that was unfortunate. Right.
But, I mean, if you do kill enough lunatics, and they were, Japan was led by lunatics, you know, died of the last person and a lot of suicide bombing and all that. Very similar to what we see with radical Muslims.
Right. Suicide bombing, cult of martyrdom.
Right. Okay.
So Japan became our good friend. So let's not pretend that you can't actually get to the root of this.
It is difficult. I'm not pretending.
No, no, no. I truly believe in this particular case.
You don't think that all those people that are now homeless and their families are destroyed, you don't think that they are now Hamas again? I think you have to make calculations. Of course.
Absolutely. That is going to happen.
You are also recruiting. So you want to kill every human being? No, no, no.
Is that what I said? No. But I think it is what you were leading to.
No, it is certainly not what I'm leading to. What I'm saying is...
If we kill enough of them, we're going to end Hamas. I didn't say that either.
I think you did. No, I didn't.
You said it. You want to play it back? Yeah, I didn't.
I didn't say that. I didn't say that.
I did not say if you kill enough of them, Hamas is over. No, what I said was the idea that you can't kill an idea.
Oh, that's what I said. Yeah.
That's what I was objecting to. And I was quoting Sam talking about the fact that after World War II.
We did not kill Nazism. Yeah, we did.
Except for like a moment but it's back almost in every country back in a tiny fringe i mean if you if you expect perfection you're i don't expect a perfection then well then it's a silly argument i believe i well that's not true but i believe i believe that um we are going to experience another kallnacht and could very well experience it here. Well, there's a lot of anti-Semitism, and that comes from people like Hamas.
Yeah, I see. So, I mean, again, when you think, when you're a leader, you have to think long term.
Right. If you don't know, they prosecuted this war for 11 months, as we're recording this in September of 2024.
So they're at the final stage. They're in the South.
Yes, there are probably still, I don't know, 80, 90 hostages left. It's horrible to think of the situation they've been in and if we can't get them out.
Again, if I could just finish. Yes, go right ahead.
You have to think in terms of long-term and numbers. Like those hundred people, we wouldn't want anyone to die, but what if we let Hamas off the hook and then it gets worse and 10,000 die? That's how- 10,000? Well, in the future.
In other words, if they are able to stage more attacks. I see.
10,000 more Israelis. Yes.
You've gone this far for 11 months. And my question to people who have this argument is always, do you know what's going on really underneath Gaza and all the tunnels and how close they are? I do not know.
I don't either. But you know who does know? The Israeli Defense Force.
Now, are they perfect? Absolutely not. But again, they're not the ones purposely killing civilians.
They try not to kill civilians. If you can't understand that difference morally, then you're very morally confused.

Are you watching the same footage I'm watching?

You think they are trying to kill civilians?

I think that it is indiscriminate.

That's what war is.

Okay.

War becomes that.

There is no war you can name that didn't.

Sherman burned Atlanta to the ground, and it wasn't just the military people he was killing.

It's a shame, but again, there's a very simple solution to this. Stop attacking Israel.
Right. Jews used to know this.
Right. Okay.
Still love you. I love you.
Okay. I have no judgment about your point of view.
Great. And I not of yours.
I disagree a little bit with what you're saying. Yeah, that's okay.
I don't think that the head of Israel at this moment is a soulful human being. That may be true too.
I didn't say he wasn't, and I didn't say even that he might not be doing what you suggested he might be doing. What I was saying is even if those things are true, it could also be true that this is the correct policy, which I believe it is.
I think you've gone 11 months to do this. Let's finish it while we're there.
Okay. How does it finish? Tell me that.
How does it finish? Is there a... What do you see? You have extirpated

enough of Hamas

that some other entity can

be brought in to rule that country.

Because that was always a

coiled snake right

at the foot of Israel. You can't

live like that.

There's only one side

in this who wants a two-state solution. That would be at least part of Israel.
Maybe not everybody in Israel, but that they've certainly offered that many times. Hamas has been very plain.
They do not want a two-state solution. They want a solution where all the Jews die.
Again, Jews used to be kind of on the page that this is a bad thing. Again, we can disagree.
Oh, I think that Jews are on the page that it's a bad thing. Okay, let's just say, and I'm not even a Jew, but let's just say you're more equivocal about it than I am.
You are an atheist. Yes.
And I went and we made the movie Religious. We spent 10 days in Israel all over.
And it was fascinating and eye-opening and i'm so glad i did it right and um historic i also find israel to be one of the most delicious countries i've ever been to you're talking about gal gadot i'm talking about i'm talking about that great delicious food oh that is delicious food the food? The Jews? Delicious food, yes. Oh, I miss that.
You did? I mean, I don't really remember the food. You know what I remember so vividly? And it was like, oh, such a memory.
The last day we were filming in a place called Megiddo, which is where the Bible says the world will end. It was the perfect place.
It's a ruin to shoot this and do my final monologue. And it was a long shoot day.
And at the end, we were all starving. And we went to a restaurant.
And this is in Palestinian territory. And the bodyguards were very nervous going into this restaurant.
We were all starving. And they spent an hour in there, an hour, before we could even just go into the restaurant.
Right. And then when we got in there, they were happy to sell us the food and we were happy to eat it.
And it just made me think politics. Yeah.
You know, like you could make this work. It's not impossible.
No. But some people don't want to.
And mostly the people who haven't wanted to are people like Yasser Arafat and other people, dictators in the Arab world and people who are their own reasons. I mean, the West Bank was in Jordan's control for 19 years, from 1948 to 1967.
If it was so important to the Arab world to have a Palestinian state, why didn't Jordan do it? And why didn't the other ones demand they do it? Why didn't they? Because they wanted it as a problem that they can focus their citizens on so they can go on and have brutal dictatorships. Sounds kind of like our politics.
Not as worse.

Ours is not quite that bad. We could get there.
Yeah. We definitely could get there.
We only have, what, 60 days. Why, are you expecting the worst in the election? No, I don't.
I am very optimistic about our country and that most of the population has got to see that we live a pretty great life. Oh, I'm so on that page.
And it seems like to me also for you, I don't know, but this is why I love doing this. I find out we can in 90 minutes cover like a whole lifetime when we should have been friends.
Yes. Okay.
My guess on you is that you're, from seeing you publicly, is that your default setting is just very optimistic. I mean, you're just very.
I am very optimistic. You just, and that's what people love about it.
I had to be. It just, you exude it.
You talked about my career, that I went from project to project, and there were droughts where I was distraught, I was dismayed, and then you get— And still had optimism, you're saying? I had optimism. I see myself as that toy.
You blew it up. And when I was growing up, there was a cowboy on it.
And you punched it. It went down and came right back to center.
You know that toy? I know vaguely of it. I don't know toys too much.
A weeble wobble? I don't have kids. Never had kids.
I mean, I can imagine. It goes down and it comes right back to the center.
I get the concept. Yeah.
That is the way I live my life. Right.
But I wish I could have been the ghost of me back then. Not that I would be a ghost, but younger, wiser me who didn't know this back then.
But if I did, I would have told you and spared you this. Yes.
Like, very often someone does a hit TV show. Yes.
And they're famous from it, but they get typecast and then they never recover. Yes.
The difference with the Fonz is all that was true. Hit TV show, famous for it, but the level of fame was on a rock star level.
Until it wasn't. Wait a second.
It was on a rock star level, which is unlike those other in that category that I'm in. Therefore, even though you wandered in the wilderness, the public, when you get to that level, is always going to want to come back to that.
They're always going to want to come back to someone who was on a rock star level, whether it's Lindsay Lohan, whoever it fucking is. Right.
When you get that high, you're kind of always guaranteed a comeback. Wow.
But you got to do the work. You got to work for it.
Right. Yeah.
But they do want to see you because it was so big. Right.'s what the Fonz was.
Very, very few sitcom TV characters in any way. When Quentin was there, I was saying, you're one of the few rock star directors.
It's just not a category that has a lot of people in it. And you were like a rock star sitcom.
It almost isn't compatible.

I love doing it.

I loved it.

Yeah, it all fucking came out the right way.

I was going to say before, when I was in college at Cornell,

I did not have much going on in my life.

Right.

Certainly no women.

Right.

Why is that? You have a tremendous amount of charisma. So how is that possible? Did you just hide it? I was.
Were you scared? Painfully shy. Right.
Well, you made up for that. Of course I did.
Right. But painfully shy, stupid.
You're not stupid. I was, as we all are at 20.
Right. Painfully stupid.
I've talked about it here before. I thought whenever I couldn't get over with a girl, I thought I'm not good looking enough.
Now I look at pictures of myself. I was very good looking.
Right. I had it completely backwards.
My personality was the problem. Right.
I thought that was perfect. You thought your personality was perfect, but you were not good looking.
And it was the exact opposite. Like, that's what I mean.
Stupid shit like that. Right.
And also, there were very few women at Cornell. One of my favorite phrases that I hate that is true is youth is wasted on the young.
Because?

I wish I knew then, as you just said, if I knew you, I could have saved you.

Right.

You did say that.

It makes me crazy that we have to go through so many steps to find the wisdom.

And also that it's ridiculous that you gather it all, and then just when you have it all, then you're going to die. It's like, it's such a waste.
I don't think it's a waste. Well, that you collected all this in the brain.
And then after all that collecting, it's useless because you're dead. I do forget names now.
My children do wear name tags. They do not.
You don't look like, you don't present as old. People either present as old or don't.
This was Biden's problem. He was almost the same age as Trump, but he presents as old.
Yes, he does. You don't present as old.
So that joke does not land with you about name takes because it just... No, but here it is, Bill.
Here's the truth. There are times when I cannot remember somebody I know and it literally kills me.
You mean come up with a name? I can't come up with a name and I have have to sound it out. And then I blurt it out in the car going home.
That's everybody all through your life. That didn't just start when you got a little older.
I don't know. I knew my wife's name.
I really didn't. No, I mean, you have to forgive people when they do that because we've all, no, we've all done it.
We've all had it done to us. You know what I don't forgive? I don't forgive people who don't see you, who don't acknowledge your existence.
That kills me. People who brush you out of the way.
Who does that to you? Oh, there are people who have done that to me. Name two.
The first time I met a man who's running for president at the time. Who? Trump? Trump? Yes.
Brushed you out of the way? I met him at a ball at a big event, and he literally pushed me out of the way like the president or the premier. Montenegro.
Yes, Montenegro. That should be shown every day, every hour.
Why? Because I think it is the very definition of a soul.

Yeah, we already know that about him.

Okay.

I'm bored with that.

Okay.

I made all those.

Nobody has been meaner or more.

I want to say your intake of whatever it is you're having.

What?

I'm having two drinks.

Two drinks.

I had one and now I'm having another.

Yeah, with that.

What does that do? Make soda? It soda? Those drips? Those drips. No, I call it rhino juice.
It's what we drink before we go to the club. We're going to the club later.
No. What club do you go to here? I don't go to any club here.
That's not the kind of thing you do in L.A. No.
It's the kind of thing we're going to do in Vegas. Yeah.
Which the wife doesn't have to know. Yeah, well, she knows everything.
She knows everything? It's amazing. And you're okay with that? Well, you know what I am.
It's like living in China. Not exactly.
Not exactly. Very similar.
I'm not kidding. Surveillance state.
Yeah, I know. But no, I don't have to make little toys.

I know guys who, when the phone rings, they go, oh, it's the boss.

Yeah.

But you know what? They say it like, yeah, like, oh, good.

But you know what, though?

It gives you peace of mind.

That's great.

It not only gives you peace of mind, it is something that you have to establish is part of your life. The woman is the CEO of the Winkler life.
My wife is the CEO of our life. Woody Allen made a great movie called Whatever Works.
Right. That's it.
Yeah. Larry David basically played the Woody Allen part, and I thought it was one of the better.

I don't know that I saw it.

You never saw Whatever Works?

I'm not sure I'm going to look for it, but I didn't see it.

You like Woody Allen.

I do.

Okay, great.

I love him.

That's one of his better.

Have you interviewed him?

No, but we are efforting him.

You're working on it?

He's not against it.

He is a fan, and I'm a fan of his and a defender. Okay.
I'm a fan. Oh, come on.
Oh, no. I'm not going to get into that.
Okay. I am not going to get into that.
I did, however, see that Mia Farrow is on Broadway. Yeah.
Well, I'm sure there's been many. Listen, I just saw that yesterday.
I thought I'd mention it. I like personally going to the theater a lot.
It's one of my favorite things. As a matter of fact, on my bucket list is to get back to Broadway.
And yet you're heterosexual. I am.
I know, married 46 years. um you want to oh my god why do you want to go on broadway you know what bill have you ever done it no and i never do stand up yeah that's different no it is not well i'll tell you how it's different okay tell me i don't have to memorize lines exactly what are your jokes you you your your evening is constructed it is it's constructed that's different than memorizing lines word for word no yes it is it is not true it's not different trust me i know because i've done if one word is out of line your joke will fall that's that's very true thank you but as a, they don't fall out of place.
You're right. Because you know your stuff.
Yeah, but it's not this... It's not word for word.
It's thrilling. I'm sure it's thrilling.
I'm going to tell you something. You don't get paranoid that you would go up on your lines.
I have. I have.
What could be worse? Not being in that what happens when you forget your lines you i'm able to improvise so i i get there somehow wow yeah you mean you just fump for around i fump for around when my audition for the yale drama school do they know the fump foring? They don't. The fump foring goes on.
Now I will tell you, there's two things I want to tell you. One is when you're on stage, yes, you say the same thing over and over again, but for the first nine months, you are always discovering something new.
You say something and it hits you. Oh my God, I have a whole other vision of how to attack this scene.
Okay. That's number one.
Number two, I'm on stage with John Ritter, rest his soul. We're in a Neil Simon play.
I did not do preparation. I didn't take my time to concentrate on what I was about to do.

I walked on stage and for some reason I burst out laughing and I did not stop. And now John,

and I have the first line of the play. I walk in on John in a dining room and he now has walking me around the set going, you've got the first line.

Come on.

What are you doing?

Now he's slapping my back.

And all I am doing, I cannot stop laughing.

It was horrific.

What year did this?

2000.

Okay.

In 2000.

And that play ran for nine months. So you did eventually get back on track.
I got back on track. But until I did.
What did you say to him after, or to you? I apologized to him. Was he mad? No, but I was disrespectful to the play, to my fellow actors.
You weren't trying to be. I was not trying to be.
No. I did not do a concentrated preparation of get yourself together.
But that's a human error. Yeah, but you know what? That's not an error you want to make.
Well, that's... I'm not allowed.
I will not give that to myself. Yes, and of course you would say that.
And that's why you are in this town, like one of the very few people who is like, everybody likes. I hear Harvey Levin talk about you all the time.
Harvey, I know Harvey for many years. Oh, I love him.
He's been at my dinner table. I like him a lot.
Oh, I love him. Yeah.
Yeah, and he loves you, and you can tell, but you just have that reputation. But my wife knew him before I did and introduced me to him, you know.

But, okay, so you're doing the play nine months. Right.
Nine months in, you discover how it really should be done. Do you feel bad about those audiences who came for the first eight months and they saw the shitty version? No, because I made them laugh in a different version.
I'm just kidding. I did not.
But I will say that you, when you're on the stage, we were in a theater that was the Music Box, which is kind of a small theater. There were a thousand people.
And you can feel if an audience is with you. Yes.
An audience wants to see. Of course.
An audience says, show me. Or they're coughing when they're really bored.
You know what, Neil? This is how brilliant Neil Simon was. He watched every preview.
If he heard somebody cough, he rewrote the scene so they had no time to cough. I'm not kidding.
No, that's a great story. He wrote the cough out.
That's awesome. It was unbelievable.
Thank you for saving that story for me. That's awesome.
Thank you. And it's real.
It is real. Wow.
I watched him. He knew every line.
And there, that's one of the reasons I know about your timing and your presentation of whatever the monologue is that you're giving to the audience. But stand up.
Come on. No, I'm sorry.
First, so difficult. I don't think I could ever do it.
I love you. But don't argue with me about stand up.
But I want to. Because I know it and you don't.
I've done it. But you keep on saying that.
You're so definitive about what people know and what they don't know. I say instinctually I know something.
You can argue with me about anything except me. I know me.
I know me. You don't know.
I wouldn't argue about you with you. I'm seeing a different you than I have seen.
Like if you say I like to kiss in the morning. I'm like, great.
I'm seeing a completely different you than I have seen on TV. Of course, that's why we do this.
But don't argue with me about me. Why don't you let some of this humanity come out? Sometimes I think you don't listen.
On TV? On TV. Oh, you're so wrong about that.
Am I? I'm the only talk show host who does listen. Oh, my God.
I just listen to different people, some of whom you don't... Who are not in the room.
Who you don't like because they don't agree with you. No, no, no, that's not true.
Okay, maybe it's not. That's not true.
You're right. I admire that there are lots of people on your show I don't agree with, but they are interesting to hear their points of view.

I do listen to everybody.

Okay.

I really do.

Okay.

I mean, I am never afraid of dead air.

That's not that we have it, but that's the reason. That's pretty lively.

You know what is great is your interview

with whoever it is in the chair

before you get up to meet the panel.

Yes, the one-on-one. Oh, my God.
Those are great. Thank you.
I appreciate that because I feel like I don't get the credit I deserve as a one-on-one interviewer. You know what? You don't need the credit because you live it.
Yeah, you're right. It's so true.
It's right there. How long have you been on that show? How long have you been on TV? I'm going to embroider that on a pillow.
I've been doing real time for 21 years. Oh, my God.
And politically incorrect for nine years before. I know.
But here it is. 30 years.
30 years you get the credit. Oh, I do.
Because other people have fallen down and are left in the dust, and you're there for over 30 fucking years? Give me a break. Yeah.
That's credit. And it was always...
You know what? You just have to look at it differently. Oh, I do look at it that way.
Yeah, I'm not sure. I'm not sure.
I think that I hit a nerve, and I think that that bothers you. Not me, but that it bothers you that you think you don't get the credit.
And I'm telling you, nobody survives 30 years, and that is the credit. That is an award.
Well, both things are true. That is everything.
But as your new friend, let me tell you exactly what percent, because what we're talking about is what percentage of that bothers you. So if you say that bothers me, you're right.
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What makes this podcast different? And there's a billion of them. The room.
The room is so fun. The room.
Everybody should be in this room. We're not young.
We don't have time to bullshit. So if you want to see two people, Yeah.
to know each other yes like deeply yes in a really short amount of time listen to this podcast this is it okay like we're doing okay and it's exhilarating it is it's it's like there's sex and then there's mental ping pong those are the two most exciting things in not going to have sex with you. I have one.
Thank you. No, no, really, because that would hurt.
But can I just say. Oh, you don't know the half of it.
Fly fishing for trout. I'm going.
I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding.
All right. So you made me spit a little longer.
I spit take. Yeah, but that was a spit dribble.
Yeah. I didn't want to spit.
Yeah. You didn't think I was going there.
What about it? Fly fishing? What about it? Oh, my God. The fish are majestic.
But why are you suddenly bringing it up? Because that's another thing that takes a great deal of passion and concentration. But we weren't talking about it.
No, we were talking about wonderful things. You said sex.
Oh, okay. I forgot what the other thing you said.
This is like how Kanye was. Kanye.
Yeah, I mean, he was here. Suddenly we're talking about Pete Davidson.
It's like, what? We were never talking. Yeah.
Okay, fly fishing. Did you interview Pete? Fly.
What? Did you interview Pete? No, I'd love to. No.
He seems lovely. I'm sure he's a very sweet guy.
He's got his. The shoemaker I have trouble with.
The shoemaker? Yeah. Who's that? Kanye.
Oh, the shoemaker. What's that? Doesn't he make those sneakers? The shoemaker.

Yeah.

He's got a side gig as a rapper, but, um. I think maybe his wife should get dressed.
Well, that's interesting. Interesting in the sense that, um, some people just get away with things other people can't get away with.
That is true. I mean, can you imagine if, say, just to pick a name out of a hat,

Ryan Reynolds was making his wife dress like that?

I could not.

I could not imagine that.

Okay, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, I could not imagine.

Now, his first wife, not Ryan, the shoemaker,

I've known since high school, she is a lovely person.

The fact that you think She is a lovely person. The fact that you think Conor is a shoemaker.
Especially since shoemaker sounds Jewish and he hates the Jews. Yeah.
But not in a bad way. Not in a bad way.
No, I talked to him. I tried to talk him out of it.
Did you? No. You can't talk somebody who you can't.
Well, he listened. No, no.
He listened. He's not maliciously evil.
He's just you know, he's got I think a little on the spectrum stuff going on. And fed some bad information.
Yeah. And also, by the way, doesn't hold opinions that are exactly alien to lots of people in this country.
Right. You know, there are lots of people who think the Jews are this or are that.
And, you know, Jews are successful. You know why? Because everything over the years, and we're talking centuries, people have tried to take everything away from the Jewish community.
What they understand is you can take anything I have except what's in my mind. That's so Jewy.
Thank you. But great.
Yeah. Right.
Well, to give you a little perspective on the word that they love to use when they're in their encampments protesting genocide, you know, genocide Joe and genocide this. Okay.
Even by Hamas's estimate, which is just for a minute, which is their estimate, and they're always full of shit. But okay.
Even by the worst estimate, the Israelis have killed 2% of the population.

Poland- And you're looking for, what do you think? Tell me a percentage. I'm just gonna finish this, because I have to.
No, no, no, I'm with you. Because why bring up half the, okay.
I'm with you. So 2%.
During World War II, or for it and during it, Poland's population of Jews went from like 3 million to 5,000. Right.
Something like that. I may have those numbers slightly wrong.
That's a genocide. Right.
I'm just talking strictly words have meanings now. Yes, they do.
Nothing, not a genocide. Right.
Even though that side screams it, that's a genocide. We've had it.
And lots of people have had a bad run in this country. Nobody, not even black people in America, have had as recent a catastrophe number-wise as have the Jews.
That was in this, in the last century. In physical death.
The Holocaust, yes. But in disrespect.
Disrespect is not as bad as. In not being, in not the.
Okay, I'm going to stop you right there. Okay, fine.
I'd say physical death has to kind of trump not being respected. As bad as not being respected is.
I disagree. Well, it's not just disrespect.
It's disrespect it's not just rather be dead than disrespected well here's the thing i'm not talking about a disrespect in i respect you or i don't i'm talking about um uh diminishing the ability to live a life.

Yeah.

Again, I got to think not allowing... Death is worse than not living, but not living up to your capacity because it is not recognized is a terrible thing.
Yeah, I mean, it's not a competition like who's had it worse, but I'm just saying there was no catastrophe to any ethnic group in the last hundred years worse than the Holocaust. Right.
I really think it's hard to refute that on numbers. I don't know any Jew who wants to take over somebody else's life.
I don't. As opposed to who? As opposed to what they say, you know.

We're not going to whatever they were chanting with those tiki torches looking adorable in their khakis.

See, it's interesting.

When you think of Jew haters,

you think of the tiki torch people.

Some.

When I think of Jew haters, and I understand those are Jew haters to a degree, when I think of Jew haters, you think of the Tiki Torch people. Some.
When I think of Jew haters, and I understand those are Jew haters to a degree, when I think of Jew haters, I think of something I think far more virulent, which is the campus protests and the people in this country now who are not just out there chanting for Hamas, a terrorist organization that wants to wipe out and avowedly says they want to commit genocide on a group of people. That to me is the worst.
Now, tiki tortures, no, they're not good people. Jews will replace us.
They have a screwy idea. I don't want to replace anybody.
No, I know. I'm just saying there are Jew haters on both left and right i think where we would differ because i think you're like very like straight up on the left side is you think the tiki tortures are the worst no and i think no i see them as the surface and just below that surface is everyone you're talking about.

But the people on campus very often—

It's like a volcano that hasn't broken the shell yet.

Oh, you think that's what's going on with the tiki torture?

I think they are just the bubbling. But like Trump, he's their hero.
He doesn't hate the Jews. He did more for Israel, and I fucking hate him too.
I get it. But moving the embassy to Jerusalem, every American president said they would do it.
They didn't. That's just a fact.
And every nation,

every people has the right to have their capital in their capital city. There has been a continuous Jewish presence in Jerusalem since like 3000 BC.
If it's about who got there first, they're the Indians. So to say that, and his daughter married a Jew, their big hero is not an anti-Semite.
And he's rich. He fucks around with lots of billionaire rich types.
And many of them are Jews, business people. Roy Cohen was his hero.
Oh, wait, now that's Roy Cohen. He may not be Jewish.
I don't know. I don't know.
He was...

But it's COH.

That was hard to even say he was human.

I think he was. Anyway, I'm not that worried about the anti-Semitism, although it exists on that side.
I'm worried about the useful idiots who think that Hamas is some sort of trendy, like, countercultural group to get behind, fighting the man, fighting racism. No, that's a good point.
They're fucking morons. That's a good point.
And they're dangerous. And they're dangerous.
And they're dangerous. And they're dangerous.
And they're dangerous. And they're dangerous.
And they're dangerous. And they're dangerous.
And they're dangerous. And they're dangerous.
And they have professors on the campuses who say the most virulent anti-Semitic things who were exhilarated.

One of them said it, my alma mater, by October 7th. He was exhilarated.

So, of course, if the professor says it, how can you blame the kids?

Right.

Well, that's not giving the kids any responsibility for their own thinking.

I think that this country really needs to teach critical thinking once again.

Well, good luck with that.

Thank you.

Because it's not...

I mean, you see what's going on in the schools.

I do.

Nothing.

So your kids are how old?

My children are 53, 43, and 41. So you can leave them alone.
I can. I do.
I'm proud of them. Oh, so they're full-ass adults.
And they are lovely human beings. And they have lovely children.
That interests me. What's it like to have, as your children, people who are now old enough to be the kind of person you would really be a friend with? Because when they're 10, they're not really.
You know what? It is relief. I feel relief that they are so lovely.
I'm proud. I am sometimes just in awe of how responsible they are on this earth.

Well, you've probably taught them that.

You should be happy with yourself.

Well, I don't know.

Whatever it is, they picked up the lesson, the mantle.

That's what it is.

You know, Max said he was going to be a director when I took him to see Bottle Rocket by Wes Anderson. And he kept his word.
He is a wonderful director and showrunner. Does he make movies like Wes Anderson? When he did, when he made his first movie, he dressed in a suit and a tie like Wes Anderson.
Yeah. We got him for a birthday present an autographed copy of a script from Wes Anderson.
What are some of Wes Anderson's movies? I just did one called The French Dispatch. He did Butter Rocket, which was amazing.
And he is... What are some others? I mean, I feel like I've...
I get... There's a few of them that I get kind of confused, like Paul Thomas Anderson.
No, that is a completely different director. I know it is, and I should know this.
Now, his... Paul Anderson's wife is one of my idols.
Why? Because she's one of the funniest people on the earth. Is she in show business? She is in show business.
Is she famous? Yes, she is famous. She was one of the stars of Saturday Night Live.
Who is she? Why are we playing 20 questions? Who is she? I'll get back to you on that. Well, it must be public knowledge.
It is. Who is she? She is.
You're putting me on the spot. I'm going to...
Oh, you did that name thing again. I did.
Oh, I was going to tell you the funniest story. Yes, go ahead, please.
While I'm looking up her name. I'm not going to...
I'm not going to name the person here, but a huge A-list actor. Yes.

Saw him at a part.

Here?

Yeah, some part, some event, something, something, something.

I've seen him before.

I like him.

Nice guy.

Great actor.

Great star.

But you can tell when somebody, like, they know they should know you.

Right.

They even know that they should love you. Right.
But they really don't. Right.
They're doing you. Right.
And they even know that they should love you.

Right.

But they really don't.

You know, they're doing stuff.

Right.

Okay.

This is at a party.

This is, yeah.

Okay.

And I could see it in his eye.

Like, we're going to have to say hello,

but he can't come up with my name.

And he just went, my hero. Okay.

Yeah.

But I want to tell you.

I was like, what a brilliant out. It's so embarrassing.
My hero. a brilliant house so my hero it's so that's me that's my name your hero i was your hero she is my hero and i am and i i i know her she's in my phone that's how terrible this is.
I'm going to turn all the cards over.

Lucille Ball.

No.

Give it a shot.

However, Happy Days was shot on stage 19 on Lucy's side of the Paramount studio.

And it's where she invented the three-camera format. How about that? That was great.
So when you drove onto that iconic Paramount lot under that Paramount. I told my wife when they said, hello, Mr.
Winkler. Hello, Mrs.
Winkler. I said, do not get used to this because there's going to come a time when I'm going to have to call to get a drive-on.
That's heavy, dude. It's true.
No, it's very true. And you did? I did.
To get a drive-on because you were auditioning for something? Or I had to call. Or I had to auditioning or I had a meeting.
I had to get permission to drive on the lot where I had an office for 14 years where I I did Happy Days and produced MacGyver and sightings. Had no history.
But that's very wise to be able to foresee that. Yeah.
And to even say it to your partner. I did.
And how'd she take it? She could not. Bye.
No, you can't believe that that is the truth.

You know, the first night we went on a date,

we saw Walkabout, the Nicholas Rogue movie in Westwood,

and I said, you know, it's better if we sit in the back of the theater.

She said, why?

Yeah.

I said, I don't know how to explain it to you.

Trust me, it's better if we sit in the back of the theater. She didn't know you were a giant star? She said, why? And I said, okay.
And we sat in the middle of the theater. The entire theater stood up and came over to say hello.
And she looked at me and went, oh. Right.
That's what I mean, rock star. Yeah.
Yeah, that doesn't happen. Even in show business, that doesn't happen a lot.
So then how'd you get out of the theater? We left during the credits before the lights came up. Oh.
Then I drove her to, we were going to have, at that time there was a restaurant called La Restaurant, and we were going to have dessert after the movie.

And I'm waving.

And she said, who are you waving to?

You couldn't possibly know that many people.

I said, I don't know who they are.

They're waving.

I'm waving.

Where did this chick grow up?

Bulgaria?

No, here, in L.A.

I know, but she seems to know nothing.

Her dad was my dentist.

Her dad was my dentist. But why didn't she know

who you were? You know what? I didn't ask her. I don't know.
To this day? No, now she knows.

I know, but like you never said to her, honey, why on our first date? Why? Why don't you go there?

I never, but I don't want to and I don't need to. You think possibly she did know and was faking it? You know what? I don't know that to be true.
She certainly knew because I was a candle. She went out and bought me as a candle and put me on my kid's can.
Henry, I've heard this from so many chicks. I was on a plane.
I didn't know who he was.

Yes, you did.

Well, you know what?

There's a lot of people I never know.

I just went to see, wait a minute, Paul Michael Anderson, right?

Oh, my God.

You're still looking that up.

This is killing me.

Bill, this is killing me.

You're as bad with technology as I am.

I need to know.

You know, when I get out of my car.

Paul Thomas Anderson.

Here we go.

When I get out of my car.

Yes, I'm listening.

Sometimes the car says to me.

Yes.

You've left your phone, which I didn't.

Right.

It's because I have an iPod connected there, and it thinks it's my phone. Right.
And I just want to say technology brings out in me something that never happens in real life. I'm really quite even-tempered.
I don't yell at people. Right.
And when my car says, you left your phone, I'm like, shut the fuck up fuck up really i did not leave my phone and i don't talk that way to people oh here we go wait a minute this has got to tell me oh my god i know i know i'm listening to every word no and and i am i'm sorry that your car is so annoying no i want to get back get back to your first date. Okay.
That fascinates me. Because I've got to say.
How does it tell me every single thing about this man and not his wife's name? I hope she is not listening. Google wife.
Google wife. Google his name plus wife.
Oh, God. That's so good.
Oh, my God. Okay, wait a minute.
Oh, I found someone dumber with technology than me. I'm telling you.
Thank you, Jesus. Well, I'm so happy that you said that.
Wife. I can actually spell that word.
Yeah. But, you know, we're all just humans with lizard brains.
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.
You don't even know where i'm going no i don't i have a lizard brain okay wait i'm and your wife does my wife is a lizard no she has a lizard brain like we all do okay i'm just saying when you're with a guy on a date like there's certain things that go on that excite the lizard brain in the woman. Right.
And there's certain things. What do you think that is? Well, I'm going to tell you.
Oh. There's certain things that give her the ick.
Yeah. You know what the ick is.
No. I don't.
I love it when I feel like I'm in a scene with you. Thank you.
Because your timing is so good. You know, you hit that ball right back over the neck.
I swear to God, I don't know what ick is. Unless it's icky.
Okay, the ick, it comes from that. The ick is something that a man...
Would somebody in the back room tell me what this man's wife's name is? No, there's no one in the world but us. Okay.
The ick is when a man, usually a man, anyone can do it, but it's usually a man, does something so icky that the woman is permanently turned off.

Like if he's mean to the waitress.

Yes.

That's horrible. Something like that.

If he pays with a coupon.

Right.

It's just the ick.

Maya Rudolph.

Okay.

Victory.

The eagle has landed.

Okay.

Now I'm with you.

I'm back 100%.

Thank you. I'm back 100% in this room.
Okay. So Maya Rudolph, very talented.
Oh my God. I think she's one of the funniest people on the planet.
And she just is. Anyway, the ick, that's the ick.
The opposite of the ick is something that wetens panties. Right.
And that could be... Being nice to the waitress.
That could do it, yes. That's things like that, listening.
Oh, I mean, women are... Do you know, do you know, Bill Maher, when you have wet a girl's panties without seeing her panties? I think at this point in my life, I have a good idea.
You do. And I'm just saying, if I sat down in a movie theater and everybody started to get close to me, my panties would get wet.
Gotcha. I'm just saying it's a panty wetener.
Okay. It just says, this is an alpha.
Right. Right? I'm an alpha pretty much everywhere except my house.
I'm just saying, why go the one place where you don't? No, I'm kidding. But that must have been exciting for her.
I guess. She married me.
Right. How soon after that was? Three beautiful children.
We have six and 15-16s. So how long after that date did you get married? I would say it was a little more than a year.
We dated. We lived together.
And that was big because she brought her son. Were you exclusive at the time? the moment you met her yes i was not from the moment i met her but eventually uh totally exclusive not from the moment you met her no i love it yeah so i would be a liar i and i was dating her and uh we were not dating some then we were exclusive.
Yeah, exactly. And then her son, who was four, is now 53.
And my son. We're all playing a version of The Bachelor.
Right. And there was a time you met her and you were giving out roses.
And you gave out fewer and fewer until you just wanted to give her the rose. That's right.
I gave her the dozen. So what did you say to the chicks that you let off? Oh, that's a good question.
You know what? I don't know that I ever made that phone call. I don't think I ever said.
You just faded away? I faded. Oh.
I think I did. That's low.
Should I write them now? No. Shut up.
I would definitely do that. You would? Absolutely.
Hey, I'm so, 50 years ago, I'm so sorry. I should have said something.
That I was an asshole. But you know what? I started therapy about nine years ago with this incredible doctor.
And if I were to give her a present, I would have to give her the size of a skyscraper. And I am a different human being.
I was closed off from my emotionality before that. I feel the same way about pot.
Pot opens you up? Well, apparently. Yeah.
Do you smoke every day? No. No.
Never have. No.
Doesn't work as good if you do. No, that's true.
You know, I smoked in drama school, and it was amazing. My first time was with Peter Covett, who unfortunately is no longer with us, but we did.
We then went to a rehearsal of Coriolanus. And Harris Ulan was the head of the Volscian Army.
And Stacey Keech was his enemy. And we had swords and a sword fight.
And I smoked before audition what and i hit stacy keech on the head and i ran off stage and hid behind the scenery and he came running off who the fuck hit me on the head i never told him until today if if he if he's listening i i was the one and then you're gonna get together with all these women who you should have called. I don't think I'm going to get together.
I don't think. I think maybe I'm going to use your podcast to say we don't see each other anymore.
Yeah. Sorry.
Right. Like a civil suit.
And I hope you've had a good life. Like a class action.
Yeah all you're saying to all the women that i was seeing yes because i was a big star who they but do you think it made you more attracted to your wife that she wasn't impressed by you do you know what i I will say that there is a thing where you don't know why the young lady is with you. You don't know whether it is because you are a star, because you're on television.
Do they like me? And with Stacey, I was pretty sure it was the human being first. That's profound because, and it's certainly something I relate to.
I totally get it. Very much so.
I totally get it. You know, but look, there's a lot of bad, shitty things about getting older.
But one of the great things about it is you're not, as we were saying before,

young and fucking stupid.

So you can see that a mile

away. Like, no one can fool

me up. And I don't even hold it

against you, if that's who you

are. But don't insult

my intelligence. I see you and we're moving on.

And don't insult my intelligence to

think that I don't see it. And it's okay.

We all gotta make a living. I tell the gardener every time he's here, don't kill the groundhogs.
You know, I have groundhogs. You do.
And they ruin the lawn. Yeah.
But I'm like, everybody's got to make a living. Wow.
No, I don't know if I could be that big. With the groundhog? With the groundhog.
Or the mole. I think they're the same thing.
Yeah, maybe. Anyway.
Well, the mole is blind. The groundhog, I think, can see.
But I will tell you, I toured with this book in Australia, and I met a meerkat, and it was thrilling. What's a meerkat? A meerkat.
I'll show you a picture. No, no, no.
They can't see it. You don't want to see it.
Just describe it. They are.
They're listening. They stand up and they see everything, and they are this high, and they stand on your head.
You're talking about an animal. I'm talking about an animal.
How big? I would say they are a foot or a little more tall. Is it a type of cat? It is, no.
The cat is misleading. Yes, the mere, I think the cat.
Is it a mere cat? It's called a mere cat. No, but I'm saying.
No, it's not just a mere. Is it a mere cat? No, it is not a mere cat.
It is the most adorable animal. It's a mere cat.
Yes, a mere was a cat that was like just beer exactly just so unimpressive really that people called it well i'm not crazy about cat i am not crazy about cats i am a dog person you know what i've always said this i'll say it again cats as a pet only make sense in a world without dogs. Yeah.
You mean if there were no dogs at all, then you would have to have a cat to have something. That's the best you could do.
But if you could find something that smothers you in love versus somebody who looks at you, you know, with the disinterested sneer of a supermodel. True.
True. My first job out of drama school was I babysat two Siamese cats who were bald.
Black guys? They- Oh, cats. Cats.
You mean like actual cats? Siamese cats. Okay.
Yeah. And they were bald because all of their hair was on my clothing.
It was horrific. But did you answer my question? No, I did not answer.
The, yeah, it's so hard to know. But I guess after 46 years, I think the jury's in.

The jury's in.

That you went through good times, you went through bad times.

Yeah, you do.

And the same person was there.

Yes.

You know.

When every time I had a major crisis, Stacey was the first to be the support system. Yeah.
And in the worst of times. Yeah, I've heard people say to me, like, when you get sick, you're going to want someone there.
And I always say, when I'm sick, it's the least thing in the world I want. You don't know that, Bill.
I don't want someone there. Okay, you don't know that because the fact of the matter is it might be so lonely and so fear-producing.
I know. I know me.
Oh, yeah, that's true. I don't like people to see me when I'm not at my best.
It's like there are times when you're not at your best. Like why inflict it on anybody else? I don't see that it's inflicting, but I understand you feel that way.
Yeah. I mean, if I was sick, I would want to be taken care of, but like I can't really offer anything and I can't pretend we're really having a good time.
you know i'm not a good pretender right right right okay i'm not a pretender okay so like if i got the tube if i got the tube in me don't tell me i look sexy i get i it just what happens if that's not the only thing that someone who is there is going to say to you that they're they're not necessarily going to say it all depends on whether you're sexy or not. They are loving you and they want you to be comfortable.
I want to make you comfortable. I will tell you I have tickets to the Philharmonic five times in the season.
We go Saturday afternoon when we're not traveling. And it is uplifting.

I think everybody should go to a symphony hall, but be that as it may. I'm not kidding.
You and I are. It transforms you, Bill.
We are so different. But you've got to go there to know what I'm talking about.
I don't. I'm not going.
On the way, very good friends, Frank and Lynn, we were talking about

at the end of life

do you want to be resuscitated?

And we all said, no, except when I have witnessed a few people at the end of their life and the will to live, the will to hang on is so much stronger than when you are fully in your brain and you say, no, I don't want to be, don't, don't resuscitate me. There's nothing stronger than the will to live.
Nothing. Which is why suicide is so funny.
Yeah. Not funny in a funny way, but funny weird.
It's so strange. Yes.
Because it's so against the primal urge. But can you imagine where the pain must be that someone can actually do it? Do you remember the joke Woody Allen quotes in Annie Hall where he talks about the, okay, where he says, you know, there's these two Jewish women.
Yes. And they're eating the dinner that they've been given probably in the catskills yes and they keep complaining about everything like oh my god it was cold and and there were the noodles weren't right right and this wasn't right the other one says yes and the portions were so small you know it's like and he's like makes the announcement this is life you know yeah do nothing but complain, but we want more of it.

Right.

And we do. You just, you know.
Well, I have to say, at this moment, I am so grateful to be on this earth. Yeah, you should be.
I mean, you're vital at 79. A lot of people aren't even alive right let alone working and right and not again presenting as that age which is great that's about as good as you can do yeah um thank you yeah but uh it is sobering it's sobering to have and feel the breath of death on your neck it's not like on my knees i am not kidding when i take the dogs down at about 10 o'clock at night in order for them to go to the bathroom uh you hear me walk down bathroom 16 yeah well go outside why don't you have a doggy door well we do but that's locked why because it's so scary at this moment in history you lock the doggy door we do you think not not yes i do jd vance is gonna crawl through your house and kill you on the couch he could fit and i don't want him near my couch what are you afraid of crawling through the dog i don't, but I don't want to talk about it.
It's too scary. But anyway, the point of it is there are 16 stairs to go down and you hear, oh, oh, oh, for 16 stairs.
Which is? My knees. I see you're saying that.
I'm saying that because it is shocking. Don't lock the doggy door.
I mean, there's solutions. You cannot convince me not to lock the doggy door.
I can't believe you think that anything... When I get home tonight, when I get home after this wonderful chat, I'm locking that doggy door.

But whatever is out there that's going to crawl through the doggy door and get you, wouldn't it get you when you're taking the dogs for the walk at 10 o'clock at night? I don't think in the same terms. And I feel pretty confident.
Okay. Well, you do that, and I will not poison the moles in my lawn.
Thank you. You know, people have to live underground.
Look at Hamas. Yeah.
Oh, my God. We're back to that.
I just thought I would do one callback.

Very good.

You wove it back in.

You know, the weave.

I worked on sitcoms, too.

You did?

I did three sitcoms. What did you do?

I did a show called Sarah in 1985 with Gina Davis and Alfre Woodard in Bronson Pinchot.

Gary David Goldberg, I'm sure you remember. He was a friend of mine.
Okay, well, that was his show. Amazing.
Big show. Big.
He's a, what a writer he was. Yeah, it was on In Between Family Ties, which was.
His wife, Diana, started a school, the Archer School. Oh, I see you didn't have to look her up.
No, I did not. And I'm going to tell you, I'm grateful that I didn't remember Maya Rudolph's name is going to haunt me now for months.
Let yourself off the hook. I want to.
You know what? It's not possible. I'm a short Jew.
Disc. Disc full.
Disc full. Disc? I mean, there's only so many places.
Can I change the disc? You know what? You're my hero. Okay.
Just use that. When you see her, go.
I swear to God. You're my hero.
But I have said that to her. The last time I saw her, she was having a meal with her children, beautiful children.
But the time before that was, I love music, but I can't make music. But I saw Brandi Carlile live, which is something everybody should do.

Again, you're always suggesting these things I'm not going to do.

Is that true? You don't go to concerts?

I don't go to concerts.

Oh, wow.

But if I did, I'd knock against her.

Have you ever seen Bruce live?

Have you ever seen Bruce?

Bruce Wings? No. No.
Four hours, can't do it. No, you could.
No, you could. No, you could pee and he's still going.
You would not miss a thing if you go to pee, but he is like magic. Oh, I'm sure.
Louis Cabaldi, I'd like to meet him. Who's that? Louis Cabaldi is an English singer who's got Tourette's.
And if he has an attack in the middle of his concert, the audience keeps singing the song so that when he comes out of it, he'll know exactly where he is. What are you, trying to get a GLAAD award or something? No.
No, I'm telling you the truth. It's something exciting.
I know. But I love, and Bruno Mars.
You ever see Bruno Mars? No, but I was at his club. Oh, Bruno Mars.
Where you would never go in Vegas. It's not a strip club.
A strip club. It's a club club.
Did you ever meet him? It's awesome. It's called Pinky or something.
I only went once. Forgive me, I'm a little stoned.

I forget the name.

But you can look it up.

Bruno Mars has a club.

It's got an amazing band.

It's got an old school feel.

It's great.

I know I'm doing it.

He is absolutely brilliant.

Yeah.

He plays every instrument.

And we saw him at the Bowl, and he said something that just stuck.

He said five years ago.

I don't know. He plays every instrument.
And we saw him at the bowl, and he said something that just stuck. He said five years ago, I was down La Brea at a pub singing for 15 people.

Really?

And here I am, and this place is sold out.

I saw Billy Joel.

Billy Joel.

At the Unicorn, which was a little coffee house in Ithaca, New York, when I was in college. Now, here's a great thing.
Billy Joel, I met him, and he said, my mom loves you, and I sent her an autographed picture. You Jews really stick together.
We do. But, oh, my God, is he unbelievable? Oh.
I love people who make music. Look, I probably am going to get in trouble with some people for saying this, but the American lyricists in pop music are better than the ones from, let's just say, other countries, in my opinion.

I'm talking about Billy Joel.

Right.

I'm talking about Bob Dylan.

Elton?

No, that's another country.

Oh, that's another country.

And he didn't write his own lyrics.

And that's my point.

Okay.

The lyrics, they're not horrible, but they're not on the level of-

Are you saying Bernie did not write-

Wait, are you saying he did not write great lyrics? Let me say what I was going to say. Absolutely.
I'm going to stop now. Okay.
There are lyrics that work with the music. Without the music, if you had just read them, you wouldn't be that impressed.
Okay? Rocket Man, Rocket Man, it's called... That's one song.
It's called... That's one song.
It's just, you know... Did you ever hear the last song? Did you ever hear the song called The Last Song? It's on the album one.
It is the last song. And it is a son talking to his father.
Who wrote that? Finally, Bernie and Elton. Okay.
Well, not Elton, just Bernie. Just Bernie.
Bernie, Elton never wrote a lyric. Okay.
So, okay. You know, that's my opinion.
Okay. I really think I could back it up in a literature course.
Yes. But Paul Simon, Billy Joel.
Yes. Jackson Brown.
Yes. Bob Dylan.
Brandi Carlile. That may be true Jackson Brown, Bob Dylan.

Brandi Carlile.

That may be true.

Oh, my God.

And people would probably also say Joni Mitchell.

Joni Mitchell.

But I don't know her work that well because the music didn't make me want to listen to the lyrics.

And if the music doesn't work, then.

All right.

All right.

So we're leaving.

I have a great Joni Mitchell story.

But I just feel like Billy Joel's lyrics.

You ever hear Angry Young Man?

Yes.

I don't know. And if the music doesn't work, then...
All right, all right. So we're leaving...
I have a great Joni Mitchell story. But I just feel like Billy Joel's lyrics...
You ever hear Angry Young Man? Yes. I mean, that's an opus.
A lot of them are. They are amazing.
And they're just on a level of poetry that lives without the music. Yes.
I agree with you on 100%. I'm sorry, but a lot of the Beatles stuff does not live without the music.
Somebody on Twitter. Hello, goodbye, goodbye, hello.
Somebody today. You say yes, I say no.
It's just not. All right.
It's just not something that lives. I love the song.
Don't make me pretend the lyrics are anything. I understand.
Okay. I'm with you.
So that's my thing on Billy. Today on Twitter, somebody said, do you really like the Beatles or do you like them because you're supposed to?

Well, that's not a hard question for me to answer.

No.

I met all of the Beatles except George.

Ah.

Yeah.

I was very, when John Lennon came to the set of Happy Days with his nine-year-old son, Julian.

Holy fuck. Really?

In the 70s?

Oh, I have one of my favorite pictures of all time that I have.

So, it was... set of happy days with his nine-year-old son, Julian.
Holy fuck. When was, really? In the 70s? Oh, I have one of my favorite pictures of all time that I have.
So was this during the lost weekend when he was living out here? I don't know. What he was completely- Like 73? Yeah.
No, a little later. A little later than that.
But he came with his son, Julian, and he was very shy and I could not get him into a conversation

until I talked to him about the song Mother, which was the primal scream on his solo album. And he opened like a garden.
Really? Oh, my God. And what did he say? That it was so important to him that, oh, you actually heard it.
It was not the most popular song on that album. Do you know who covered that song? No.
Streisand. Wow.
You should listen to that. Okay.
Barbara Streisand did Mother. Okay.
Because she had issues with her mother. Yes, she did.
And so it's... I mean, both of them are very powerful.
Yeah. Yeah, that was a great album.
I mean, he also had the song God. God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
One of the best lines he ever wrote. And then he goes through that long litany, I don't believe in, and he mentions like 20, I don't believe in Dylan, I don't believe in Buddha.
I don't believe, and he mentions all the gods. And at the end is, I don't believe in Beatles.
Wow. I just believe in me, Yoko and me, and that's reality.
Wow. It was like his message to the fans.
Yes. And then there's a great melody part.
The dream is over. What can I say? The dream

is over yesterday. And it's like, you know,

you have all the old records,

but the fucking Beatle thing

is done. Right, right, right.
Get on with your lives.

Right. It's the 70s now.

It was a really

gutsy and also

considerate thing to do, I thought,

to the fans, to himself and to

the fans. That's right.
How revealing, just what you said. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. But that's great that you had that moment.
I'm telling you. I met Paul on Lexington Avenue.
He went, La Fonze. And then...
Really? I swear to God. And then he, I've told this story before, he gave me his number.
Wow. He said, we should get together.
Wow. And I called him like an asshole.
But I called him every 10 minutes because it never picked up. And then, so if he's listening, he could call me back.
I'm an okay guy. I could name a couple of stars who that happened with me like there are some people who are um they just you see why they're so popular because like when they're with you they just turn it on yeah like and you're like the only one and they love you and and then you realize they do it with everybody yeah it's still a skill it's still a skill it's.
Right. To be respectful and to be present in the moment.
Well, and, but also to, I mean, when we use the word charming, what do we really mean? We probably mean somebody really likes us. They're interested in us.
Right. Who's a bore? A bore is someone who talks about themselves.
A charming person is someone talking about you. Right.
Right. What a charmer.
Yeah, because he was like, what are you doing? You know, like. Yeah, or he told a good story.
You know who's like that, who everyone says was like that, and I found like that before he was president? Trump. Really? Yes.
Everyone who ever met him says that. He had that thing.
You know, like, you didn't think he was the asshole he became in office. He was like this guy who was interested in you and looking at you and talking to you and complimenting you.
Don King used to do it. Oh, wow.
You're the greatest American. Right.
There are people who just like... You should have combed his hair.

Make you feel like a million bucks in two minutes.

Right.

It's just their skill.

And then you realize it's just their skill.

And then you realize it's just a magic trick they do on everybody. Right.

But it's not necessarily a magic trick because sometimes it is really fun to see who is in front of you and experience them for as long as you're together.

Yeah.

I'm not kidding.

No.

I never think you are.

I take you completely at your word.

Thank you.

I'm not kidding. No.
I never think you are. No.
I take you completely at your word. Thank you.
I forget why we were talking about that. I don't know why.
It was important to me, though. It was important to me.
It'll come to you. Like Maya Rudolph came to me.
Well, came to your strong words. Said you were on your phone for 20 minutes.

I was.

Not 20, but I was.

I couldn't stop until I found the woman I adore.

I know.

I could not find her name in my mind.

But you personally called the NSA.

I felt that that was a little over the top.

Yeah, if I only knew.

Yeah, they probably are monitoring you because you're a big radical.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to... only knew yeah they probably are monitoring you because you're a big radical yeah well uh i'm gonna release you back into the wild so i want a pleasure this one yeah i don't know how i don't know how long we've been chatting i don't either that's an amazing thing that's a good thing yeah you have You have that with your wife still? I do.
That's amazing.

Yeah.

That's amazing to me that you can have it after so many years that you don't run out of conversation.

No, but that is the humanness of the relationship.

But like you said earlier that when you do a theatrical piece, you're doing it for nine months, you're still finding new things. Right.
To me, there is an analogy there with marriage. Because I know Yul Brynner, for example, did 3,000 performances of The King and I.
You mean he was still finding new things? You know what? There comes a moment. You think one night he just said, I'd love to do Fiddler on the Roof.
You know what? I bet that's true. But that's kind of like in a marriage.
He was great in The Magnificent Seven. Yul Brynner? Yeah.
Oh, I know somebody who knew him quite well. He was like everything you think, like a badass.
Really? You know, like, let's just say women were, he was not now's man of the year. Right.
Wow, I did not know that. Well, he was just a very macho guy.
But can I just say. Who women could not resist.
Wow. And smoked himself to death.
Really? Yeah, Yul Brynner? Yeah. I didn't know that.
I think that eventually doing that musical was not discovering something new. It was keeping him alive.
You don't do something 3,000 times and still discover. You do it because it is keeping you in the forefront, giving you a living.
Yes, giving you a living. Like that, yeah.
I think Tevye did 3,000 performances of Fiddler. Yeah.
I mean, also... Zero Mostel or...
No, I think Tevye. I don't think Zero.
Tevye is the name of the character oh so you're talking about

the guy from israel yes zero um but oh my god and also uh matthew broderick and um nathan lane nathan lane producers did producers for like a crazy long time and Nathan Lane has the ability to make moments in between moments. He literally, when he says a joke, he can find another moment before he starts his next line.
He's an amazement.

Yeah, I saw him in, I don't go to a lot of shows, but I saw him on one called November, written by Mamet. David, yeah.
So funny. I mean, you don't think of Mamet as the kind of playwright where it's like, laugh a minute.
No. And he is, at least in that one.
I mean, that's a straight up funny comedy with a lot of political. Overtones.
Yeah. It's about politics.
It's about an election and a politician. And that was Nathan Lane.
And that was... I was impressed.
I'm telling you, there are far and few between like that. Yeah, he's a real throwback to the stage actor.
Yes. He does...
You know, he's famous enough from work in television or movies. but he is, yeah, you kind of have to see him live to appreciate the full.
Can I thank you for inviting me here? Yeah. Oh, I'm wanting to make it happen for the longest time.
I mean, you're like one of those people who, like, I'm always all around and I'm sure we've seen each other at parties and we never got to talk. We saw each other at a wedding, I believe, not too long ago.
Maybe it was Carol Liefer. Oh, yes.
Yes. Carol Liefer, one of my greatest, oldest friends from the club days in New York.
Really? She went to the clubs? Yeah. She was a comedian that we all started with.
Yeah, she is great. I mean, she married a, I mean, her first husband, her first spouse.
Right, her first spouse, yeah. Was, yeah, a great friend of ours, comedian, rich.
Like in 1980, they got married or something like that. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I love her. I did a show where we traveled around the world, and better late than never, and she was the writer who would watch the interviews and everything and then run in and give you a line from what she just heard.
That was like... She's the model for elaine on oh no kidding on seinfeld yeah sure i

didn't know that the funny female friend yeah that's kind of wow all right well i'm sure we'll

see each other again i hope so can i give you a hug you can give me a blowjob no i won't do that but i'll give you a hug? You can give me a blowjob, a hug. No, I won't do that, but I'll give you a hug.
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