The Best of Club Random with Bill Maher

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Visit servicenow.com. We had so many fun things happen here at Club Randon that you might have missed.
Circumcision. If you haven't had it done, it's great.
So we put together this special that just made me laugh the off be prepared to have your picture taken at the spearmint rhino at 2am enjoy hi how are you do i stand can i do i stay seated i said only reigning mvps oh it is if i said if i'm I'm going to do a podcast, I'm going to do one that's very different. And there was none with a nighttime feel.
One of my idols is coming toward me and I have an ice cold beverage. I gather you decorated yourself.
Decorating is a strong word. That is the point of Club Random.
We do not have an agenda here. I brought you something from my garden.

Oh, that's nice.

Nice?

Have you ever seen a zucchini that big?

I think it's a little better than nice.

It's substantial.

Is this the show, by the way?

I just walked out here.

Are we doing the show?

I love that everybody asks me this.

You know, first of all, the answer is yes.

Did you get a drink?

Yeah, I'm doing a sulfate-free red wine.

It's organic.

First of all, you already got it for me.

I got the Hennessy and Coke right here.

You consider yourself health conscious.

To the extreme.

As I said, I pick up the liquor.

Because I...

I challenge you to find someone more health conscious than me.

Can I get a light?

I like tequila more and more these days. Oh.
My God, that's good. Well, look, it's all poison.
It's all poison, but at different degrees. Yeah.
Fuck. I'm drinking two gallons of vodka a day? Are you talking about yourself? Yeah.
Gallons? Gallons, the big handle. I know what a gallon is.
Dude. Something about music goes right to the pussy.
If I was a plumber or a dentist, it wouldn't be the same thing. I get it.
And you don't have to be this. If you were a dentist, you'd be a lot of drilling.
Good enough. There's a guy who came backstage.
He goes, I've got liquid LSD. And he filled our hands and we must have taken like 25 hits LSD.

You could have died.

Fucking two days.

That's what I'm saying.

I have a pain.

Really?

It's gone.

Okay.

Just, just live for another 20 minutes.

That's all we need.

And then we're wrapped.

I always get back to like having done a show for 10 years about the good old days.

Right.

My conversation, I would get asked about mad men saying like, don't you wish, man?

Don't you wish?

And I go, I'm a fan of painless dentistry.

I'm like, no, it's better now.

The thing I liked about Olivier was that whenever I had... What? He wouldn't let me ask the question.
He was always busy probing me. I'll bet he was.
I'll bet he was very busy probing you. So a psychopath is a predatory parasite.
And it's not, and that means they're very, very low in agreeableness, no empathy, tend to be callous. But who are some people who fit this description? Ted Bundy.
Let me put it another way. Who are some people running for president now? Well, that's an open question, right? Well, you know, it's a true thing.
Excuse me, Bill. Stop laughing like a dog, okay? Bill Maher is a lefty lunatic.
You have a case of the Trump derangement syndrome and a lot of people are saying it he used to like me a lot more before we got a little too political for bill i have trouble saying no just put it there you know you have trouble saying no to benefits and to gigs i don't want to do why didn't you just say you're like the pete david of your generation like the, everybody goes, wow, how did he get all those girls? It's always how. It's so horrible.
It always starts with how. I lay on my back off the bed and they get to stand and just be right where the mattress hits.
I feel like the chances of the Family Research Council repeating this show anywhere are... Who is the Family Research Council? Like a super Christian organ.
I don't know any throuples. I know two.
Can you describe them? There were three men together. Like the three stooges.
Listen to this. This is way before I even knew what a gay person was.
They slept in the same bed, and they would introduce each other as my partner, even though they were in no no specific business you look cuter on stage than you do off stage you know there's something about that thing you know so my theory that rock stars get a lot of pussy is the correct is absolutely correct a lot of them okay you know we cross a sacred thing when you go onto a stage the stage is sacred yes Since then, Chappelle got tackled. Yes.
Salman Rushdie. I mean, are you really afraid like that? I'm afraid on stage.
Fast times at Ridgemont High. He was based on a guy from San Diego.
His real name is very close to Spicoli. Sean, he didn't really audition.
He said, I know this character.

I grew up with this character. I lived in Malibu.
He's a surfer, dude. And we said, well, do it.
And he goes, hire me and I'll do it. And we actually hired him.
I couldn't get a job in LA. So I went to New York.
I paid $375 down, which included the security deposit on an apartment. So I got dressed and I get in the elevator.
And next to me is the most exotic, beautiful woman I've ever seen. And I've got to figure out a line.
And I'm shy. And the elevator starts going down and I've got to come up with something.
And my line was, do you know where the garbage goes in this building? And her response was, yeah, you take it right down to it. It was a man.
And I'm hearing Lou Reed in my head. Take a walk on the wild side.
Michael Jackson, he's rehearsing. And, you know, it's intermittently with Dr.
Conrad Murray, currently now my personal doctor. Is he really? No.
Oh my God. Yes.
I'm like, wow. Yes.
No wonder you look so good. Thank you.
It's very strange, actually. It's really strange because you just forget where you are.
Well, that's the nicest compliment you could give me. Here I am, lonely in my little club random all by myself, smoking my blunts.
My wife won't be watching this.

She's in Spain.

Do you want any?

No, thank you.

You never smoke pot.

Oh.

What did you think of that?

You mix it in the cigar?

Because otherwise, that's the biggest joint I've ever seen in my life.

Well, you must have seen a blunt, Chris.

No.

Come on.

No.

Your family, you've never seen a blunt?

No, I have.

Okay.

I sent a tease, put Buster Keaton ahead of the other three. Who put them ahead? I, I have.
Okay. I sent a tease put Buster Keaton ahead of the other three.

Who put them ahead?

I sent a tease.

Who?

I sent a tease.

You know, young, you know, film buffs.

I thought you were saying the name of some Spanish intellectual.

No, I sent a tease.

I sent a tease.

I sent it.

I sent it clearly.

That 17th century Jesuit priest.

I sent it.

We had dinner with Gregory Peck. Went out to my limo, we smoked a joint.
Who's we? Me and you. Stoner? If you're truly following the way of Christianity, you will be a good steward of this place because this is where heaven is.
You know, this would be a really successful episode if you got me to be a Christian by the end of it. I the end of it this thing would fucking explode on the

internet this is a real jesus this is a jesus moment this is a real jesus moment dude who's the person that's been most wasted or stoned in here you have to watch the richard dreyfus episode and that will answer your question.

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slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones that's a u r a.com slash defense certain terms apply so be sure to check the site for details so this girl who was the picture of perfect innocence and beauty and oh god now everybody's gonna be doing the dreyfus no no well he had had a rough day and innocence you say oh yeah i learned more about richard dreyfus than i wanted to know. Incestuous thoughts was the engine that drove my masturbation.
Really? Yes. I'm telling you, Bill, I'm being honest with you.
We're comedians, right? We're jaded when it comes to laughter. When I laugh, it's an honest laugh.
Right. But with Richard Dreyfuss, I was truly, like, it actually broke kind of parts of my personality.

And my girlfriend, wife, was screaming at me. She was like, you're going to wake up the kids.
You have children, right? I do not have children. Thank God.
No kids? Never no slip-ups? Not to my knowledge. I don't enjoy them.
I never have. I didn't like kids when I was a kid.
Yeah. Really? You parents fucked it up having to negotiate with a child.

Well.

To what restaurant you're going to go to. But let's not forget, we've also...
That is astoundingly I don't know why I'm so mad. For many millions and millions of people, the purpose of living is to avoid having children.
You know? Do you like kids? Do you actually like kids? Why do you ask me this question? Of course I don't like kids. You ask me questions about kids.

I'm asking you.

Oh, Jesus, but I just told you.

Yeah.

But weren't you the one who said

everybody has a plan until they get hit?

Absolutely.

That's a great quote.

Even with me, with everybody in life in general,

we have to realize that things can happen.

The day my divorce became final,

I literally got the news

and went to do Politically Incorrect.

Wow.

The next month,

I had a Thanksgiving at home,

and you came.

You went to the children's table,

and you sat down,

and you said to my eight- and six-year-old,

it's okay, are you ready now

for your mom to start dating? I did. What did they say? They cried.
When you're in the coffee clutch with your other egghead. What are we talking about? What's the gossip out there? What's putting a tingle in your anus? That would be your anus.
Right when someone in an audience heckles. It's obvious they didn't get the joke.

My friend George Wallace, he used to tell this story.

He was on stage where I started out at Catch a Rising Star, and it's July. He says, well, I've got to go home and take my Christmas lights down.
And the guy yells out, you were a little late, pal. I'm editing

Pulp Fiction

and I'm

watching this show, Politically Incorrect, on Comedy

Essentials, that I think is just amazing.

I remember.

And I like it so much that I'm going to my editor, Sally Minky, and I'm like, hey, you

know what they said last night?

We were so buoyed by your fandom. You were our first fan.
I swear to God. I grew up on Bill Maher.
That's why I'm fucked up. I'm a fucked up kid.
This is so fucking cool. I'm just going to fanboy out for a second, please.
You bring me extreme fucking joy watching you say what nobody else will fucking say and mean it. You cut right through the fucking bullshit.
My parents are a really big fan of your show. Because they're the ones who love me.
Well, I love you too. Oh, good.
You're still one of my favorite guys on TV. I appreciate that.
I like it, you're a straight shooter. That's all you can ask for in this world nowadays.
I never sell out. August 19th, he'll beat the Ovens Auditorium in Charlotte, North Carolina.
June 16th and 7th. Oh, I'm in Vegas.
We've got to go to Vegas together sometime. I'd love to.
The Hard Rock, Northfield, Ohio, Saturday, May 20th. September 2nd, the Grand Prairie.
I think that's Dallas. Texas Trust.
Texas Trust CU Theater. Okay.
So, can I do a plug? Yes. And Bobby, you're running for president of the United States.
I think we have a clip of... I don't want to win this election by seeing a political opponent eliminated by the federal police state.
Because it happened. It's like they made it up.
But This country has done one thing that was more amazing than any

other. The peaceful transference

of power. So many countries cannot

get this right. And one guy,

your boyfriend, Donald Trump,

broke this and fucked it.

Don't give me the boyfriend, Steph.

I'm running against him in this race.

I think you're running to be

his vice president. Well, I'm glad you smoked

that view out. I've already said, and I'll say it again, I'm not going to work for any administration.
So you would say no to his? Yeah, I would say no. Somebody better wake the fuck up.
Joe Biden's the Democrat, Donald Trump's the Republican. Trump would be a betting favorite.
And any 50-ish, not stupid, woke Democrat, that person can win. I had Senator Murphy's, Chris Murphy on my podcast.
There's another guy. Chris Murphy.
Yes. So how old is he? 50-ish.
Yes. He looks like he's...
Done! But I'm just saying... Chris Murphy! We know nothing about him.
Can we make him gay? It would help so much in the primary. Okay.
It really would. Well, maybe he's ambitious enough.
I can ask him. Have you ever had a homosexual experience? No.
Why are you? But it's early. I was never destined to be a gay man.
I don't know that I was destined to be a gay man. I happen to be married to one.
Sometimes I'm in a store or something and then they're like, there's some new way to pay or something and I feel like the mermaid in Splash. I want to go.
Well, I still don't know why you haven't gotten married, but I am fully understanding why nobody has ever married you. Just talking sports is a waste of your talent.
I worked for them for 16 years. They won't call me white.
Right. They know that I'm not afraid.
They don't want that. And he finally said, so are you a comedian? And I said, yes, Mr.
Lone.

And he said to me, how much time you got?

And I said, about eight minutes.

He said, good.

You know, most people, I ask how much time you got.

I got six hours.

I can do six hours.

I got two hours to clean.

Two hours to dirty.

You know, I called Jimmy Kimmel, and I said, I'm getting off some ABC.

If they're talking to put me on 1130, do you want to go on at 1230?

I think he said, yeah, you'd like to.

I said, oh, okay.

But I think maybe he was hurt by that,

and I apologized to him for that.

But I don't want to make this all about,

because I'm fine with him now.

We've spoken.

Okay.

It's fine.

But just, you know, whatever, just the facts. I hate it when two people I love don't like each other.

Oh, I do like John.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

We're not acrimonious in any way. Oh, okay.
We just have different directions and have had since about 1975. Oh, geez, look what I've stumbled into.
Why did JFK Jr. die? I get into all this stuff.
Well, wait a second. I know why JFK Jr.
died. Tell me there was no bomb in the back of the plane.
You think there was a bomb in the back of the possibility? That's all. I don't trust the government.
I do. You trust the government? I trust the people who work in the deep state.
Bureaucrats. Yes, I do.
The people with stale pizza on their desk and cold coffee, a sphere that is ruled by Satanists? Yeah. Who are the Satanists? At the very top sits the Bank of International Settlements in Bern, Switzerland.
I've got my savings account with them. If I say, okay, I agree with you on everything, can we move on? So there's no...
Just tell me what the safe word is. They keep saying Russia invades Ukraine.
I agree. They don't want Ukraine.
So true. Who wants Ukraine? It's a fucking mess.
It's a sewer. As I've always said.
Okay, but just to be clear, people did land on the moon. I don't know.
Okay, there we go. I don't know.
I do know. I just want to know why we didn't go back.
We did go back. What, did we go back? What year? To the moon? In that era when Putin first came into office, you know, there was that famous poisoning of the, what's his name, the guy from...
You've got to look at the London intelligence agencies, the English ones, MI5s for 10 years. He was worthless as an agent.
He wasn't. Don't forget the project for the new American century, the people who sent us into Iraq.
You don't automatically assume that Putin is responsible for everybody. He's like a James Bond film.
Dr. No does this, he does that.
It's exactly like a James Bond film. But he's not.
He's exactly like a Bond villain. He should be stroking a cat every time you see him.
You haven't proven it to me, goddammit. Can I take a leak now? Yes.
You mean Putin was like, we have got to do something about this problem of people falling out windows. I think the floors are too slippery by the window.
That is what we must work on. So where were we? We were on something interesting before we got boring.
What were we talking about? It was very interesting. People having different viewpoints, I think, or something.
We're talking about the cancel policy and the cancel world. We're just talking about the early funny comedies.
How many times do you get a prostate check and enjoy it before you're gay? Five? There you go. See, it was right there.

Yeah, yeah.

I just don't like joking about...

Oh, Bella.

I know that you like to, but I don't think it's funny.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I don't think it's funny.

What a shame.

Is there anything more pathetic in that fucking generation

than begging for people to like you?

Like me!

Like this thing I did!

Like it, please like it!

Please like, John, the drink I made you, was it good?

Like it, please like it, John!

Please like it, man!

My daughter came with me.

My 18-year-old daughter was like, woke as fuck. I mean, that's that generation.
Of course. Comedy is the villain.
And her dad is the fucking Joker. So I bring George on the road.
Right. And I watch her and her best friend Daisy go like this.
I said, I saw you laughing at that trans joke about dot, dot, dot. George goes, Dad, hold on.
The way he says it, it's different. It's not, he's not, it's like he surprises you with the thing and I go, yeah, it's called fucking comedy.
So who's at your shows, every age? Every night I'll say, how many people is your first time seeing Limp Bizkit? The whole place raises their hand. How many people are under 30 years old? The whole place raises their hand.
I think the people who grew up liking Limp Bizkit probably are a little older and they'd probably rather me do a Paul Newman and give him some salad dressing or some soap. If we were sitting here with a couple of guys from the Chili Peppers and a couple of guys from other bands, we would all agree on one thing, which is that U2 is the ideal of being in a band that we all look up to because they function, they're more or less grew up on the same street and went to the same schools.
That's true of a lot of bands. That's the Beatles.
But the Beatles also, I mean, they lasted six years. Ten.
You experienced the Beatles. The end, I was old enough to know what I was experiencing.
Let me rephrase it. You experienced the Placigono band.
Paul McCartney flies commercial? He was in Heathrow Airport, yeah. And a friend of a friend said, your Uncle Paul's outside.
And I said, what? And we sat there chatting away for a little bit. Well, I mean, you have so much history with that guy.
I mean, and again. Yeah, but we've never, you know, even done this.
Really? You know, he keeps telling me, I've got so many stories about your dad that I've never told anybody. But we've just got to find the time and lock in the time to do that.
Do it like yesterday. I know, I know, I know.
I've never been, you've never invited me over. You've never invited me.
This sounds like the beginning of The Godfather. No, but look at this place.
In all the years, you never asked me to come for coffee. And now you come here on the day of my daughter's wedding.
You're doing precious. I remember watching your stand-up.
You're doing precious. Let me do a Rut Butler speech for you.
I think it's very hard to win a war with words, gentlemen. What are you saying? I'm saying there's not a cannon factory in the whole South.
Well, what difference does that make to a gentleman?

Well, I'm afraid it's going to make a great deal of difference to a great many gentlemen.

Marty's a huge Sinatra fan because he and I both know this album that we can't find anybody else who knows this.

I live alone.

That hasn't always been easy to do for a single man. I had to introduce this album to Seth McFarlane, who is a Sinatra adoré.
I've been to town. I've crossed the highways and the harbors too.
I've done some things I never thought I'd ever do. She's a gold digger, but she ain't fucking with her, bro.
Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me. Yeah, oh my God.
Because I'll just, and I'll set you free.

There's a great line in that where he goes, and it's warm where you're touching me. She rides around in a brand new foreign car.
The chances are the lady's a star. Yeah.
Whatever I did right in life, this to me is like one of the ultimate payoffs. Just leave it at that.
I'll drink to that too. That for whatever road led me here, where I have enough cachet to have you want to come here and talk to me.
Come on, buddy. Like, dude, old white guys, we don't know.

Should we do this?

I gotta go to bed, Bill.

Oh, that's honest.

I gotta go.

I gotta go back.

What happened to you from the ages of zero to two?

I was modeling.

I started modeling at six weeks old.

Literally.

We're not filming.

When we're not filming, the drinks are not free.

I'm staying here, by the way, because this is...

First of all, I can't get up.

And secondly, it's so comfortable.

All right, I'm up.

Are you running away from me now?

I know when to wrap up an interview.

Since you were such an amazing guest,

and since I've loved you for so long...

You can't go down.

I'm going to blow you.

Oh look there's my zucchini that I gave to I was looking for that look at that thing. That's a very respectable zucchini.
Would you like it? I actually would I actually love zucchinis. The fact that you and I disagree makes me sometimes question, like, well, maybe he's wrong about the outer space shit.
Because birds are very dirty, aren't they? They're clean enough. That's all they do all day is clean themselves.
Could you talk to them about the shitting? Our attention span is shorter than that of the goldfish. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
Inquiring minds want to... Club random.
This podcast is brought to you by Aura. A magic...
Club Randall. sounds like a nightmare, but for millions of people each year, it's reality.
And here's the scariest part. By the time companies tell you your data was stolen, it's already been nearly a year, 277 days.
That's how long on average hackers have to use your social security number, open accounts, take out loans and destroy your credit before you even know you've been exposed. By the time you get that breach notification email, the damage is done.
Your identity stolen, your financial future at risk, and the company that lost your data, they'll just apologize and move on. Hackers aren't waiting.
Why are you? This can all sound really scary, which is why I'm so glad we're partnering with Aura. Hackers don't wait, so why should you? Aura monitors the dark web 24-7 for your phone number, email, and social security number, because the moment they show up for sale, criminals are ready to use them.
If Aura detects your info, you'll get an instant alert, so you can act before the damage is done. What if your identity is already stolen? Criminals can take out loans, max out credit cards, and vanish.
That's why Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance and a US-based fraud resolution team that works around the clock to shut down fraud fast and get your life back on track. Your personal data is a gold mine for hackers and Aura helps lock it down.
With a VPN for private browsing, data broker opt out to

stop companies from selling your info, and a password manager to help secure your accounts,

Aura gives you the tools to fight back. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a

14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free when you visit aura.com slash defense.
That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's A-U-R-A dot com slash defense.

Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details.