The Best of Club Random with Bill Maher

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Speaker 6 We had so many fun things happen here at Club Random that you might have missed.

Speaker 11 Circumcision, if you haven't had it done, it's great.

Speaker 9 So we put together the special that just made me laugh the f ⁇ off.

Speaker 18 Be prepared to have your picture taken at the Spearmint Rhino at 2 a.m.

Speaker 20 Enjoy.

Speaker 21 Hey! How are you, Joyce Stan? Can I Joyce stay seated?

Speaker 22 I said only reigning MVPs.

Speaker 9 Oh, it is.

Speaker 23 If I said if I'm going to do a podcast, I'm going to do one that's very different.

Speaker 24 And there was none with a nighttime feel.

Speaker 11 One of my idols is coming toward me, and I have an ice-cold beverage.

Speaker 26 I'll gather you decorated yourself.

Speaker 23 Decorating is a strong word.

Speaker 12 That is the point of Club Random.

Speaker 9 We do not have an agenda here.

Speaker 24 I brought you something from my garden.

Speaker 5 Oh, that's nice.

Speaker 22 Nice.

Speaker 27 Have you ever seen a zucchini that big?

Speaker 23 I think it's a little better than night.

Speaker 28 It's substantial. Is this the show, by the way? I just walked out here.
Are we doing the show?

Speaker 9 I love that everybody asked me this.

Speaker 9 First of all, the answer is yes.

Speaker 22 Did you get a drink?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm doing sulfate-free red wine.

Speaker 31 It's organic. First of all, you already got it for me.
I got the Hennessy and Coke right here.

Speaker 10 You consider yourself health conscious.

Speaker 18 To the extreme.

Speaker 15 I pick up the liquor.

Speaker 33 Because

Speaker 34 I challenge you to find someone more health conscious than me.

Speaker 28 Can I get a light?

Speaker 24 I like Tiquita more and more these days.

Speaker 24 Oh,

Speaker 28 my God, that's good.

Speaker 36 Well, look, it's all poison.

Speaker 37 It's all poison, but different degrees.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Fuck.

Speaker 39 I'm drinking two gallons of vodka a day.

Speaker 20 Are you talking about yourself?

Speaker 39 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Gallons? Gallons, the big handle.

Speaker 28 I know what a gallon is.

Speaker 18 Something about music goes right to the pussy.

Speaker 24 If I was a plumber or a dentist, it wouldn't be the same thing.

Speaker 23 I get it. Well, you don't have to be.
If you were a dentist, you'd be a lot of drilling.

Speaker 7 Guy came back stage.

Speaker 11 He goes, I've got liquid LSD.

Speaker 27 And he filled our hands and we

Speaker 41 must have taken like 25 hits of LSD.

Speaker 11 You could have died.

Speaker 13 Fucking two days.

Speaker 43 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 30 Heaven's a pain.

Speaker 44 Really? It's gone.

Speaker 17 Okay.

Speaker 29 Just, Jeffy, just live for another 20 minutes.

Speaker 30 That's all you do.

Speaker 22 And then we're wrapped.

Speaker 47 I always get back to like having done a show for 10 years about the good old days.

Speaker 40 My conversation, I would get asked about mad men saying like, don't you wish, man?

Speaker 18 Don't you wish?

Speaker 40 And I go, I'm a fan of painless dentistry.

Speaker 39 I'm like, no, it's better now.

Speaker 37 The thing I liked about Olivier

Speaker 28 was that his ball is...

Speaker 48 Whenever I had...

Speaker 29 What?

Speaker 49 He wouldn't let me ask the question. He was always busy probing me.

Speaker 48 I'll bet he was.

Speaker 28 I'll bet he was very busy probing you.

Speaker 50 So a psychopath is a predatory parasite.

Speaker 25 And it's not, and that means they're very, very low in agreeableness, no empathy, tend to be callous.

Speaker 52 Look, who are some people who fit this description?

Speaker 50 Ted Bundy?

Speaker 23 Let me put it another way. Who are some people running for president now?

Speaker 15 Well,

Speaker 49 that's an open question, right?

Speaker 46 Well, you know, it's a true thing.

Speaker 30 Well, I will, excuse me, Bill, stop laughing like a dog, okay?

Speaker 46 Bilmar is a lefty lunatic. You have a case of the Trump derangement syndrome, and a lot of people are saying, he used to like me a lot more before we got a little too political for Bill.

Speaker 54 I had trouble saying no. Just put it there.
You know,

Speaker 54 to benefits and to gigs I don't want to do.

Speaker 29 Why didn't you just say?

Speaker 9 You're like the Pete Davidson of your generation.

Speaker 6 Like the guy everybody goes, wow.

Speaker 9 How did he get all those girls?

Speaker 55 It's always how. It's so horrible.
It always starts with how.

Speaker 21 I lay on my back off the bed and they get to stand and just like be like right humping them, like right where the mattress hits.

Speaker 11 I feel like the chances of the Family Research Council repeating this show anywhere are.

Speaker 55 Who is the Family Research Council?

Speaker 46 Like a super Christian organization.

Speaker 56 I don't know any throuples.

Speaker 50 I know two.

Speaker 11 Can you describe them?

Speaker 27 There were two men, three men together.

Speaker 29 Like the three Stooges.

Speaker 29 Listen to this.

Speaker 23 This is way before I even knew what a gay person was.

Speaker 18 They slept in the same bed and they would introduce each other as my partner, even though they were in no specific business.

Speaker 58 You look cuter on stage than you do off stage.

Speaker 47 You know, there's something about that thing, you know.

Speaker 7 So, my theory that rock stars get a lot of pussy

Speaker 46 is absolutely correct. A lot of them are

Speaker 46 releasing.

Speaker 59 Cross a sacred thing when you go onto a stage. The stage is sacred.
Yes. Since then, Chappelle got tackled.
Yes. Salmon Rushdie.

Speaker 10 I mean, are you really afraid like that?

Speaker 59 I'm afraid on stage.

Speaker 23 Fast times at Ridge Run High.

Speaker 60 He was based on a guy from San Diego. His real name is very close to Spicoli.
Sean, he didn't really audition. He said,

Speaker 60 I know this character. I grew up with this character.
I lived in Malibu.

Speaker 43 He's a surfer dude.

Speaker 60 And we said, we'll do it. And he goes, hire me and I'll do it.

Speaker 43 And we actually hired him.

Speaker 61 I couldn't get a job in LA, so I went to New York. We paid $375 down, which included the security deposit on an apartment.

Speaker 47 So I got dressed and I get in the elevator.

Speaker 56 And next to me is is the most exotic, beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Speaker 26 And I've got to figure out a line and I'm shy.

Speaker 56 And the elevator starts going down and I got to come up with something. And my mind was, do you know where the garbage goes in this building?

Speaker 26 And her response was, yeah, you take it right down to

Speaker 22 there is a man.

Speaker 63 And I'm hearing Lou Reed in my head take a walk on the wild side.

Speaker 17 Hi.

Speaker 28 Michael Jackson.

Speaker 23 He's rehearsing, and, you know, it's intermittently with Dr.

Speaker 24 Conrad. Murray, currently now, my personal doctor.

Speaker 15 Is he, really? No. Oh, my God.
Yes.

Speaker 44 I'm like, wow. Yes.

Speaker 25 No wonder you look so good.

Speaker 43 Thank you. It's very strange, actually.
It's really strange because you just forget where you are.

Speaker 11 Well, that's the nicest compliment you could give me.

Speaker 9 Here I am, lonely in my little club random, all by myself, smoking my bloods.

Speaker 64 My wife won't be watching this. She's in Spain.

Speaker 65 Do you want any? No, thank you. You never smoke pie.

Speaker 51 Oh. What do you think?

Speaker 66 You mix it in the cigar?

Speaker 51 Because otherwise, that's the biggest joint I've ever seen in my life.

Speaker 16 Well, you must have seen a blood, Chris.

Speaker 15 No.

Speaker 15 Come on. No.

Speaker 11 Your family? You've never seen a blood?

Speaker 44 No, I have.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 67 A Cinitiste put Buser Keaton ahead of the other three.

Speaker 6 Who put them ahead?

Speaker 48 Sinites.

Speaker 33 Who?

Speaker 67 Sinitiste, you know, young, you know,

Speaker 48 you know,

Speaker 48 some bus.

Speaker 68 I thought you were saying the name of some Spanish intellectual.

Speaker 33 No, Sinatiste!

Speaker 30 Sinitiste! I am sorry.

Speaker 48 17th century Jesuit priest.

Speaker 43 We had dinner with Gregory Peck.

Speaker 39 Went up to my limo, we smoked a joint.

Speaker 29 Who's we? Me and you.

Speaker 15 Hey, Stoner.

Speaker 69 If you're truly following the way of Christianity, you will be a good steward of this place because this is where heaven is.

Speaker 11 You know, this would be a really successful episode if you got me to be a Christian by the end of it.

Speaker 54 I'm telling you, this thing would fucking explode on the internet.

Speaker 32 This is a real Jesus.

Speaker 15 This is a Jesus moment. This is a real Jesus moment, dude.

Speaker 63 Who's the person that's been most wasted or stoned in here?

Speaker 13 You have to watch the Richard Dryfish episode.

Speaker 13 And that will answer your question.

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Speaker 29 So,

Speaker 9 this girl who was the picture of perfect innocence and beauty.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 10 oh God, now everybody's going to be doing the Dreyfus.

Speaker 29 Oh no, no.

Speaker 13 Well, he had had a rough day.

Speaker 37 Innocence, you say.

Speaker 12 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 25 I learned more about Richard Dreyfus than I ever wanted to know.

Speaker 53 Incestuous thoughts was the engine that drove my masturbation.

Speaker 18 Really? Yes.

Speaker 40 I'm telling you, Bill, I'm being honest with you. We're comedians, right? We're dated when it comes to laughter.

Speaker 24 When I laugh, it's an honest laugh.

Speaker 43 Right.

Speaker 3 But with Richard Dreyfus, I was truly like it actually broke kind of parts of my personality. And my girlfriend wife was screaming at me.

Speaker 40 She was like, you're going to wake up the kids.

Speaker 17 You have children, right?

Speaker 9 I do not have children.

Speaker 13 Thank God.

Speaker 29 No kids?

Speaker 39 Never, no slip-ups.

Speaker 9 Not to my knowledge. I don't enjoy them.

Speaker 13 I never have.

Speaker 48 I didn't like kids when I was a kid. Yeah.

Speaker 28 Really?

Speaker 56 You parents fucked it up having to negotiate with a child to what restaurant you're going to go to

Speaker 33 forget what is astoundingly i don't know why i'm so mad i don't

Speaker 20 for many millions and millions of people the purpose of living is to avoid having children you know do you like kids do you actually like kids why do you ask me this question for of course i asked you

Speaker 5 questions about kids i'm asking you what i just told you yeah but weren't you the one who said everybody has a plan until they get hit absolutely you know that's a great quote even with me with everybody and life in general we we have to realize that things can happen.

Speaker 66 The day my divorce became final, I literally got the news and went to do a politically incorrect.

Speaker 14 Wow.

Speaker 66 The next month,

Speaker 66 I had a Thanksgiving at home, and you came.

Speaker 66 You went to the children's table and you sat down and you said to my eight and six-year-olds, it's all okay. Are you ready now for your mom to start dating?

Speaker 15 I did.

Speaker 23 What did they say?

Speaker 66 They cried.

Speaker 18 When you're in the coffee clotch with your other eggs.

Speaker 38 Oh, what do we talk about?

Speaker 34 What's the gossip out there?

Speaker 18 What's putting a tingle in uranus?

Speaker 24 That would be uranus.

Speaker 9 Right when someone in an audience heckles, it's obvious they didn't get the joke. My friend George Wallace used to tell this story.

Speaker 9 He was on stage where I started out at Catch a Rising Star and it's July.

Speaker 11 He says, well, I'm going to go home and take my Christmas lights down.

Speaker 22 And the guy yells out, you're a little late, pal.

Speaker 67 I'm editing pulp fiction, and I'm watching this show

Speaker 67 politically incorrect on Comedy Essential that I think is just amazing. I remember.
And I like it so much that I'm going to my editor, Sally Minky, I'm like, hey, you know what they said?

Speaker 67 You know what they said last night?

Speaker 7 We were so buoyed by your fandom.

Speaker 45 You are our first fan.

Speaker 70 I swear to God.

Speaker 48 I grew up on Bill Mars.

Speaker 17 That's why I'm fucked up, a fucked up kid.

Speaker 39 This is so fucking cool. I'm just going to fanboy out for a second, please.
You bring me extreme fucking joy watching you say what nobody else will fucking say and mean it.

Speaker 10 You cut right through the fucking bullshit.

Speaker 15 My parents are a really big fan of your show.

Speaker 9 Because they're the ones who love me.

Speaker 15 Well, I love you too. Oh, good.

Speaker 3 You're still one of my favorite guys on TV.

Speaker 10 I appreciate it.

Speaker 39 Like it, you're a straight shooter.

Speaker 3 That's all you can ask for in this world nowadays.

Speaker 23 I never sell out.

Speaker 24 August 19th, he'll be at the Ovens Auditorium in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Speaker 56 June 16th, it's Saturday.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm in Vegas.

Speaker 19 We got to go to Vegas together sometime.

Speaker 11 The Hard Rock, Northfield, Ohio, Saturday, May 20th.

Speaker 24 September 2nd, the Grand Prairie.

Speaker 9 I think that's Dallas.

Speaker 20 Texas Trust.

Speaker 19 Texas Trust See You Theater.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 28 So. Can I do a plug?

Speaker 46 Yes. And Bobby, you're running for President of the United States.
I I think we have a clip of...

Speaker 62 I don't want to win this election by seeing a political opponent eliminated by the federal police statement.

Speaker 34 Because it happened.

Speaker 15 It's like they made it up.

Speaker 11 But this country has done one thing that was more amazing than any other, the peaceful transference of power. So many countries cannot get this right.

Speaker 41 Yes.

Speaker 54 And one guy, your boyfriend, Donald Trump

Speaker 29 broke this action. Come on,

Speaker 49 don't give it up.

Speaker 17 That's exactly what he is.

Speaker 29 Come on, come on.

Speaker 26 I'm running against him in this race okay i think you're running to be his vice president well i'm glad you smoked that view out i've already said and i'll say it again i'm not going to work for any administration so you would say no to it i would say no somebody better wake the fuck up joe biden's a good democrat donald trump a republican trump would be a betting favorite and any 50-ish not stupid woke democrat that person can win i've had senator murphy's chris murphy on my podcast there's another guy chris murphy yes so how old is he?

Speaker 32 50-ish. Yes.

Speaker 29 He looks like he's done.

Speaker 15 But I'm just saying that. Chris Murphy.

Speaker 38 He sucks.

Speaker 24 You know nothing about him. Can we make him gay?

Speaker 11 It would help so much in the primary.

Speaker 22 It really would.

Speaker 50 Well, maybe he's ambitious enough to ask him.

Speaker 48 Have you ever had a homosexual experience?

Speaker 70 No. Why? Are you.

Speaker 30 But it's early.

Speaker 9 I was never destined to be a gay man.

Speaker 27 I don't know that I was destined to be a gay man.

Speaker 24 I happen to be married to one. Sometimes I'm in a store or something, and then they're like, there's some new way to pay or something, and I feel like the mermaid in split.

Speaker 15 I want to go, meh!

Speaker 57 Well, I still don't know why you haven't gotten married, but I am fully understanding why nobody has ever married you.

Speaker 53 Just talking sports is a waste of your time.

Speaker 66 I worked for them for 16 years.

Speaker 2 They won't call me white.

Speaker 1 Right. They know that I'm not afraid.

Speaker 72 They don't want that.

Speaker 73 And he finally said, so, are you a comedian?

Speaker 65 And I said, yes, Mr. Lenov.
And he said to me, How much time you got?

Speaker 73 And I said, about eight minutes. He said, good.
You know, most people I ask ask how much time you got.

Speaker 72 I got six hours. I got to do six hours.
I got two hours to clean. Two hours to dirty.

Speaker 47 You know,

Speaker 47 I called Jimmy Kimmel and I said,

Speaker 47 I'm getting off some ABC. If they're trying to put me on 11.30, do you want to go on at 1230? I think he said, yeah, you'd like to.

Speaker 3 I said, oh, okay.

Speaker 47 But I think maybe he was hurt by that, and I apologize to him for that.

Speaker 69 But I don't want to make this all about, because I'm fine with him now we've spoken. Okay.
It's fine.

Speaker 7 But just for the, you know, whatever, just think.

Speaker 6 When two people I love don't like like each other.

Speaker 59 Oh, I do like John.

Speaker 22 Oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 59 We're not, but we're not

Speaker 15 harmonious in any way.

Speaker 41 Okay. We just have different directions

Speaker 41 and have had since about 1975.

Speaker 9 Oh, geez, look what I've stumbled into here.

Speaker 18 Why did JFK Jr.

Speaker 57 die?

Speaker 43 I get into all this stuff.

Speaker 3 Well, wait a second.

Speaker 70 I know why JFK Jr.

Speaker 10 died.

Speaker 64 Tell me there was no bomb in the back of a plane.

Speaker 23 You think there was a bomb in the back of the plane?

Speaker 28 Possibility, that's all. I don't trust the government.
I do.

Speaker 1 See, do you trust the government?

Speaker 34 I trust the people who work in the deep state.

Speaker 18 Bureaucrats. Yes, I do.
The people with stale pizza on their desk and cold coffee.

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Speaker 66 a sphere that is ruled by satanists yeah who are the satanists at the very top sits the bank of international settlements in bern switzerland i've got my savings account with them

Speaker 43 If I say, okay, I agree with you on everything, can we move on?

Speaker 33 So there's no Russia involved in the United States.

Speaker 46 Just tell me what the safe word is. They keep saying Russia invades Ukraine.

Speaker 9 I agree.

Speaker 37 They don't want Ukraine.

Speaker 10 It's so true.

Speaker 37 Who wants Ukraine? It's a fucking mess. It's a sewer.

Speaker 17 As I've always said.

Speaker 10 Okay, but just to be clear, people did land on the moon.

Speaker 41 I don't know.

Speaker 28 Okay, there we go.

Speaker 38 I don't know.

Speaker 10 I do know.

Speaker 51 I just want to know why we didn't go back.

Speaker 41 We did go back.

Speaker 51 What did we go back?

Speaker 44 What year? To the moon?

Speaker 37 In that era when Putin first came into office, you know, there was that famous poisoning of the,

Speaker 37 what's his name? The guy from... the United States.
You've got to look at the London intelligence agencies, the English ones. MIFON.
For 10 years, he was worthless as an agent.

Speaker 17 He wasn't neoconstructed.

Speaker 37 Don't forget the project for the new American century, the people who sent us into Iraq.

Speaker 15 We automatically assume that

Speaker 37 Putin is responsible for everybody. He's like a James Bond film.
Dr. No does this, he does that.

Speaker 34 It's exactly like a James Bond film.

Speaker 15 But he's not.

Speaker 29 He's exactly like a Bond villain.

Speaker 34 He should be stroking a cat every time you see him.

Speaker 37 You haven't proven it to me. God damn it.
Can I take the leap?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 34 you mean putin was like we have got to do something about this problem of people falling out windows i think the floors are too slippery by the window that is what we must work on

Speaker 44 so where were we we were on something interesting

Speaker 44 before we'd got boring what were we talking about it was very interesting uh people

Speaker 17 having different viewpoints i think or something we're talking about the cancel policy and the cancel world we're just talking about the first the early funny comedies.

Speaker 53 How many times do you get a prostate check and enjoy it before you're gay?

Speaker 29 Five?

Speaker 30 There you go. Tia, right there.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 21 I just don't like joking about.

Speaker 72 I know that you like to, but I'm just funny.

Speaker 45 Oh, for fuck's sake. It's funny.

Speaker 70 What a shame.

Speaker 9 Is there anything more pathetic in that fucking generation than begging for people to like you?

Speaker 30 Like it.

Speaker 15 Like me.

Speaker 30 Like this thing I did.

Speaker 30 Like it, please like it.

Speaker 15 Please like, John.

Speaker 34 The drink I made you, was it good?

Speaker 15 Like it, please like it, John.

Speaker 5 Please like it.

Speaker 69 My daughter came with me. My 18-year-old daughter is like woke as fuck.
I mean, that's that generation. Of course.
Comedy is the

Speaker 31 is the villain. And her dad is the fucking joker.

Speaker 69 So I bring George on the road and I watch her and her best friend Daisy go like this.

Speaker 61 I said, I saw you laughing at that trans joke about dot, dot, dot. George goes, dad, hold on.

Speaker 43 The way he says it, it's different.

Speaker 58 It's not, he's not, it's like he surprises you with the thing and I go, yeah, it's called fucking comedy.

Speaker 16 So who's at your shows? Every age?

Speaker 42 Every night I'll say, how many people is your first time seeing Limp Biscuit? The whole place raises their hand. How many people are under 30 years old?

Speaker 53 The whole place raises their hand.

Speaker 42 I think the people people who grew up liking Limp Biscuit probably are a little older and they'd probably rather me do a Paul Newman and give them some salad dressing or some soap.

Speaker 52 If we were sitting here with a couple of guys from the Chili Peppers and a couple guys from other bands, we would all agree on one thing, which is that U2 is the ideal of being in a band that we all look up to because they function.

Speaker 52 They're more or less grew up on the same street and went to the same schools.

Speaker 11 That's true of a lot of bands. That's the Beatles.

Speaker 52 But the Beatles also, I mean, they lasted six years.

Speaker 36 You experienced the Beatles.

Speaker 56 The end, I was old enough to know what I was experiencing.

Speaker 70 Let me rephrase it.

Speaker 36 You experienced the Plastic Ono band.

Speaker 12 Paul McCartney Flight Commercial?

Speaker 75 He was in Heathrow Airport, yeah. And a friend of a friend said, your Uncle Paul's outside.
And I said, what?

Speaker 75 And we sat there chatting away for a little bit.

Speaker 11 Well, but I mean, you have so much history with that guy.

Speaker 24 I mean, and again.

Speaker 75 Yeah, but we've never, you know, even done this.

Speaker 29 Really?

Speaker 75 You know, he keeps telling me I've got so many stories about your dad that I've never told anybody. But we've just got to find the time and lock in a time to do that.

Speaker 10 Do it like yesterday.

Speaker 75 I know, I know, I know.

Speaker 36 I've never been, you've never invited me over. You've never invited me.
This sounds like the beginning of the godfather. No, but this, look at this place.

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 70 You never asked me a cup of coffee. And now you come here on the day of my daughter's wedding.

Speaker 36 You're doing impressions.

Speaker 71 I remember watching your stand-up.

Speaker 36 You're doing precious.

Speaker 29 Let me do a rutt butler speech okay for you i think it's very hard to win a war with words gentlemen what are you saying

Speaker 56 i'm saying there's not a cannon factory in the whole south well what difference does that make to a gentleman well i'm afraid it's going to make a great deal of difference to a great many gentlemen

Speaker 16 Marty's a huge Sinatra fan because he and I both know this album that we can't find anybody else who knows this.

Speaker 30 I live alone.

Speaker 6 I had to introduce this album to Seth McFarlane who is a Sinatra adorate.

Speaker 22 I've been to town

Speaker 17 I've crossed the highways and the harbor too

Speaker 3 I've done some things I never thought I'd ever do.

Speaker 17 She's a gold digger, but she fucking with her broke.

Speaker 15 Don't give up on me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, oh my God.

Speaker 46 Cause I'll just

Speaker 10 and I'll set you free.

Speaker 22 There's a great line in that where he goes, and it's warm where you're touching me.

Speaker 12 She rides around in a brand new

Speaker 29 foreign car.

Speaker 17 The chances are

Speaker 17 the lady's a star.

Speaker 8 Whatever I did right in life,

Speaker 9 this to me is like one of the ultimate payoffs.

Speaker 29 Just leave it at that. I'll drink to that too.

Speaker 12 That for whatever road led me here, I have enough cachet

Speaker 12 to have you want to come here and talk to me.

Speaker 44 Come on, buddy.

Speaker 18 Like, dude, old white guys, we don't, should we do this?

Speaker 66 I got to go to bed, Bill.

Speaker 3 That's honest.

Speaker 29 I got to go. I got gotta go back.

Speaker 16 What happened to you from the ages of zero to two?

Speaker 33 I was modeling.

Speaker 21 Tried modeling at six weeks old.

Speaker 15 Literally.

Speaker 36 When we're not filming, the drinks are not free.

Speaker 29 I'm staying here, by the way, because this is...

Speaker 47 First of all, I can't get up.

Speaker 43 And secondly, it's so comfortable.

Speaker 15 All right, I'm up. Look at that.

Speaker 24 I know when to wrap up an interview.

Speaker 16 Since you were such an amazing guest, and since I've loved you for so long,

Speaker 15 I'm going to blow you.

Speaker 11 Oh, look, there's my zucchini that I gave to.

Speaker 27 I was looking for that.

Speaker 51 Look at that thing. That's a very respectable zucchini.

Speaker 20 Would you like it?

Speaker 1 I actually would. I actually love zucchinis.

Speaker 23 The fact that you and I disagree makes me sometimes question, like, well, maybe he's wrong about the outer spaceship.

Speaker 29 Do you like

Speaker 43 because birds are very dirty, aren't they?

Speaker 5 They're cleaner than enough. That's all they do all day is clean themselves.

Speaker 56 Could you talk to them about the shitting, though?

Speaker 66 Our attention span is shorter than that of the goldfish.

Speaker 13 I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

Speaker 65 Inquiring minds wanted.

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Speaker 71 Coming to the Orpheum Theater July 14th through August 9th, Tickets on sale now at BroadwaySF.com.

Speaker 68 At Arizona State University, we're bringing world-class education from our globally acclaimed faculty to you. Earn your degree from the nation's most innovative university.

Speaker 29 Online.

Speaker 68 That's a degree better. Learn more at asuonline.asu.edu.