Terry Crews | Club Random with Bill Maher

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When I was President Camacho, I was my pastor. I'll give you my word.
He ain't gonna fix the dust stones too. I'm gonna tell you, man, and this is between me and you and everybody who's watching.
See what I mean about this show? Damn it. Terry.
Oh, how you doing, my man?

It's a pleasure to meet you, brother.

Well, I've seen you a couple times already at different events and whatever.

Have you been working out?

A little bit.

Jesus.

Don't scare me with your tits right away.

Hey, hey.

All right.

Well, sit your sculpted ass down.

Oh, that's good.

I'll put that on T-shirt.

Yeah, so I'll get along.

I was thinking I'm going to actually talk to President Camacho. Yeah.
And if you never did anything else besides that, do people, I must, I don't know, but ever since that movie came out, like, what year was that? Oh, my God. That was 2005.
Yeah. It technically didn't come out.
It was released in two theaters, one in L.A., one in New York, and then for one weekend, and then it was banished. It was really video that really happened for everybody with that.
Now, you're not going to smoke pot, right? No, not at all. Not at all.
No, no. Are you militantly against marijuana? First of all, I'm not against anything.
It's just that you got to understand. I mean, my past in regards to alcohol and drugs, it's just a lot of death around it.
I mean, from where I'm from. Well, and I feel...
No, I didn't have... You know, it's almost like people who swim.
Like, some people learn on the beach. Some people get kicked in at the community pool.
For me, all this stuff involved people dying. And I was like, huh? Yeah, no, I mean...
I mean, that's valid. I mean, that's valid.
Yeah, I get it. Again, it's like alcohol.
There's a lot of people who enjoy it and do great. And then there's a like, holy cow, what just happened? I think there's less people who do great with it.
Yeah. For me, it was just you know, I know weed and I had a lot of family members that started out like that.
And it ended up harder and weirder and crazier. Yeah.
You know, and I said, eh. And what drugs are we talking about? Like all of them? Yeah, crack.
I mean, with the crack. I came up in the crack era.
Right. The crack era.
You see what I mean? 80s. Flint, Michigan.
1980s. It was hell on earth.
Now, and another thing about my background, man. Now, my mother was extremely religious.
Extremely. Like, when I was a kid, I couldn't go to the movies.
I couldn't dance. I couldn't listen to secular music.
You couldn't dance? No, dude. It was viewed as, you know, everything was anti-God.
Everything was, it was like the world, and it was us. Is that Jehovah Witness? No, it was a thing called the Church of God in Christ, which was a Pentecostal.
So it was very, very But still one of the newer ones. There's these newer ones, newer Christian sects.
Yeah. You know, as opposed to the old school Lutheran and Episcopalian and Baptist.
The newer Pentecostal Jehovah Witness, they get more into that. I mean, I remember Michael Jackson, I think, was Jehovah Witness.
He was Jehovah Witness.

Like, you can't celebrate birthdays.

Right, right.

You couldn't either?

No, no.

This is where we were.

We were at this women couldn't wear makeup, that kind of thing.

We were called holiness, where you couldn't.

You had to separate yourself in every way.

You couldn't play sports.

Couldn't do any of that. So what was wild, though, is the pastor of that church

Thank you. separate yourself in every way.
Couldn't play sports. Couldn't do any of that.
So what was wild, though, is the pastor of that church was a massive crackhead. Bill.
He actually wrote a book about it, how he came out of it. But at the time, it was all about restricting everybody to everything.

And he was out doing drugs.

He was sleeping with all the women in the church because it's a very female-oriented denomination.

So Church of God and Christ, the guys were like, I ain't going there.

But it was like he had all these women to himself.

And it was so foul what he did. I mean, it was—and people saw him at the crack house.
They were like, ain't you the pastor? Church, you got a crack, ain't that you? And he was all, oh, excuse me. And this is a common theme, you know what I mean? Very, very common theme, and that's one of the reasons why I was like, this drug thing.
Because, again, this guy ruined lives. My ears always perk up when I hear about just the way guys have scams to get laid.
Like, there should be a scam store where you can go and you can pick out, like, cops. That's a scam to get laid.
Politicians, pastor, you know, the church, yoga teachers. Oh, my God.
Wait. Come on.
First of all, trainers. Trainers.
You know what I mean? Photographers. Oh, and this is what I love, acting coaches.
Acting, oh, totally. Oh, that's one of the biggest scams out here.
And directors. But I mean, but that's a little different because you really want to be a director.
It's just like a side that comes with it. I feel like these other things, it's like, no, I'm going to do this thing because it's the way I can get laid.
Straight up. I mean, it was so wild.
I went to audit these acting classes, you know, because they were like, man, you need to take classes and the whole thing. And I had already been acting, but I was like, let me try this out.
I saw this dude literally just hit on every woman in the room. Right.
And it's real. Let me see your emotions.
I know. Come here.
Come here, honey. Come here, honey.
Holding the hand, I'm going, oh, no, no. I know.
I was like, my wife will never be in this class. No.
He was after the draws, 100%. I was like, no, no, no.
I was like, my wife will never be in this class. He was after the draws, 100%.
I was like, no. But you're right about the scams.
And I must say, as the guy who is, we're not going to agree on religion or many things, and that's great. We can still be friends.
That's why this is a great way to do this and just talk it out. But, you know, I've always been an atheist and a religious skeptic.
And I find those kind of scams when they're involved with religion to be kind of the scusziest because you are pretending to be actually more moral. I mean, you're putting yourself on this plateau.
I mean, that's how priests get to fuck kids because we trust them more than anybody else. Like, you know, would you like to take my kid away on a weekend trip? Sure.
Of course you're, you're the priest. What could happen? It's, it's almost the worst way to do it.
I mean, it's a toss up. The thing is, thing is, it's just...
Listen, if you got a game... The thing is I appreciate

is honesty. Me too.

If you want to do your craziness

and this is why I like you, Bill.

I'll be honest.

I don't smoke weed, but I don't mind that you do.

Right. I don't mind

talking to people who don't agree to the same thing.

In fact, I want to learn something.

Me too. Thank you.
Show me something, the world in a different way. But when you're telling me you're about this, and then you're obviously not, that's the thing I got a problem with, man.
Like, yo, it's like, don't tell me you've never hit a woman and then they catch you on a video at a hotel room in a hotel lobby and you're smacking the people around. You're talking about profit? Kicking.
Oh, I know. For me, that's the worst.
To me, that kind of game that you want to play, I don't want to be part of that.

I mean, it's certainly not good.

But, I mean, I find the hypocrisy in the church

worse than the music industry.

Because I sort of expect the music industry.

I mean, how, and by the way, how the Me Too movement,

you know, which you had a little cameo in.

Oh, yeah.

I had a starring role, let's just say. The male, starring male role in that whole thing.
I mean, I was going to say, how it has taken this long to get to the music industry. I mean, they went for the movie industry, Harvey Weinstein, an actor.
And then it went media, went media. We certainly got people from NPR.

You know, we got 80-year-old guys who were posting limericks. Garrison Keillor, they can't.
I mean, they were scrutinizing. I mean, it's amazing the inconsistency, I think, in the whole movement.
And they got some true monsters. And they also caught in the net some people who really shouldn't have been caught in the net.
But the epicenter of the corruption of that kind of treating women as bad as you can is the music industry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. It's right in the song.
Most of the time, it's right in the lyrics. And you go, did you hear what he just said? Right, yes.
And, okay. I mean, but your thing was, what is it? You got your dick grabbed by an agent? Is that? Well, not only an agent, he was the head of the motion picture department at William Morris.
A place that I had been for years. William Morris Endeavor.

William Morris Endeavor, a place I had brought them millions of dollars.

And I'm at a bent.

Listen, I don't drink, don't smoke, never been high in my life ever.

Oh, never?

Ever.

Wow.

It's just not my thing.

I mean, I get high on working out.

I totally, exactly.

That's me.

Listen, I spend three hours in the gym and I feel like, oh, I got a great buzz. Right.
My drug of choice is drugs. I get it.
But one reason why that's okay for me is because I've never, I know that sounds counterintuitive, had an addictive personality. I really don't.
I use drugs situationally. And I don't even, I mean, it's been years since it ended except pot and liquor.
You know, I'm 68 years old. And I'm not stupid.
And I want to live. And I want to be healthy.
So people like me who can have, anyway, let's get back to your ball. No, no, yeah, let's get back to, well, first of all, I, again, was there with my wife.
What's the event? This is a party with Adam Sandler. For his movie? No, it was like we had just wrapped something, but it was just like a get-together.
He gets all the guys from Happy Madison together. At the agency? The whole thing.
And there was Adam Bennett, who was the agent there, who's head of the motion picture department, who's Adam's agent, or he was. He had Eddie Murphy.
He had Stallone. All these people I worked with.
Right. And I'd done movies with.
And he was out of his mind. Like, I don't know what he was doing.
I don't know what he was on. Right.
He was tweaking. It was weird.
He came up to me. He was like, I don't know.
He's just taking his tongue out. Doing crack with your pastor.
And I'm going, yeah, you know what I mean? I got flashbacks. I was like, am I in church right now? It's happening.
You know what I mean? And he's looking at me from across the room, and he's sticking his tongue out. Like, I'm going, hey, whoa.
And I'm just looking. Like, now, you got to understand, Bill.
Like, I'm the only black man in the room. Like, the way you walked in, you were like, whoa, look at this big, whoa, what? That's how everybody was.
I didn't think that. No, no, no.
What I mean is, you're like, look at you. Wow, he's muscular.
He's big. So I stood out.
I knew what to expect with you. What I mean is, I stood out.
OK. OK? I was there.
Right. But it was a room full of white people.
OK? And I was just like, why is this dude pinpointing me? Like, what is this? And then he comes over, and I had never met him. So I put my hand out like, hey, man, how you doing? And he's like, ah! And grabs all of my junk.
And I'm going, yo, yo, yo, get back, man. Whoa! Hey! Yeah.
And my wife is like, what is going on? And then he's like, and he comes back again. And I'm like, and he, I say, yo.
Now, look, I pushed him back so forcefully that he bounced around a little bit with other people because it was packed vent. It was at this place, Huntington, or something, what is it, Huntington? It's not even there anymore off La Cienega, on the top of La Cienega.
And I'm like, yo, man, what is your fucking problem, right? And he just starts laughing. He starts laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world.
I don't know what to tell you, dude. No, I'm glad you did.
Because hearing it from you, I'm totally on your side. I'd only heard, like, you know, as we all do, the headlines.
Wow. You know, the clickbait.
And it was just like, oh, a guy grabbed this guy. Was it a joke? The way you described it, because I've seen this guy.
Not this guy. But you know what I'm saying.
I know. I've seen guys in public places who are so fucked up on something and they, you know, I've been drunk enough to like, uh, I'm sure be, uh, obnoxious at times, but not like that ever.
Uh, but, but I don't, but that's a different kind of drug probably. And they really don't know what they're doing and they're saying, and they think it's funny.
I'm not sure whether this guy was truly sexually charged up by you or it was a gay thing. It sounds like he just thought, oh, this is a macho guy and I'm this big agent and he'll find this funny.
And, yeah. I felt like his fantasy.
He was like like no i i don't want to go there i don't want i'm not this is not happening well and this is another thing it was gonna flip me out i'm like dude you're the head of the motion picture department like i pay you it's like you listen man i don't go to vines to get molested right by the cashier You know what I i'm giving you money and he's like come here ah like dude what in the world right i pay you work for me right how can you even where's the joke here like how do you think this is funny uh no that's drugs you know what i'm saying like uh that's what i mean i said something's off. No, I'm telling you, I've seen this guy.
I haven't been as victim of it like this as you have, but I certainly have had guys. I've left many a party in this town.
Yeah. Because somebody just would not leave me alone.
And usually it's because they think they're a big fan. Right.
This guy probably thought he was a big a big fan. I mean, really big.
He wanted your dick. But I have left parties because they just, and they cannot take a hint because they're fucked up.
And they're fucked up plus they're starstruck. And the combination is deadly.
And they want to be around you. They want to be with you.
They just do the thing that, I don't know, they have this idea in their head. Everybody, this guy's a star.
Everybody kisses their ass. I'm going to be different and be obnoxious.
That's a lot of it. I'm going to be different.
Yes, you are. And I'm leaving and suing you.
But listen, but this is a whole other matter, though. I mean, that's still a guy who you don't pay.
Like, that's not your employee doing that. Right, you're correct.
Imagine. I'm like, hey, man, get the fuck out.
And he grabs me again. Right.
I'm like, all right, now. Now we have a problem.
Now we have a major, major problem. Well, he's lucky you didn't knock his teeth out.
See, this is the thing, man. You're a big guy.
You got to understand. But then it would have been, you were smart not to.
See, this is what I said. And this is what I told everyone.
And this is what I, Bill, would you have believed me if I would have knocked every tooth out of his mouth? Would you have believed me? If we had talked like this, definitely. But the story the next day.
That's why people have to come here. This is really odd.
It is true. First of all, podcasts weren't that popular back then.
I understand. I'm just saying this is the clearinghouse for actual honesty.
No one would have believed. But also, it would have become a giant, I mean, it was a minor story.

It was a story, but it wasn't.

It would have been all over because it would have been racial.

Right.

And that's what America feeds on.

That's what the media feeds on.

Yep.

And to this- I'm going to be real with you.

That's what they would have played.

Yeah.

They would have said, I did nothing.

I was standing there and he got, and he was pissed about something. Come on, man.
On MSNBC, it would have been, the guy was racist in some way, because that's always their narrative. Sometimes it's true, and it could be true here.
There could be a racial element into it. I mean, you can't ignore the fact that, like you said, you're the

only black guy, but you're also probably

the best looking guy of any

and the best in shape guy

and the sort of like, you know, there are

other things that it could be. He was

definitely turned on. We know that for a fact.

Okay.

Where he went, you're like,

okay, something was

on his mind. Because again, the way he was coming at me was, ah.
But, again, people can just think they're being funny. They think, like, oh, he's an ex-jock.
I'll do what they did in the locker room. That kind of stuff.
I know these guys in the locker room snapping the towels on their ass. And it's going to be funny.
But that's the thing, man, I don't think he knew where he was.

I'll be honest with you.

No.

I literally was looking, and he was gone.

He was laughing like a fool.

And it wasn't, it was like he was on, he was just tweaking it.

Hey, man, I know people on crack.

I've seen it.

Right.

And I'm going, oh, my God, that dude's hot.

He's on something.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know what the drug is.

Right.

So I'll go to Adam.

I'm like, Adam, hey, man, something's wrong with your boy, man.

He's grabbing my nuts.

That's a juke. oh, my God, that dude's hot.
He's on something. I don't know what the drug is.
Right. So I'll go to Adam.

I'm like, Adam, hey, man, something's wrong with your boy, man. He's grabbing my nuts.

I said, you got to get him or he's going to get killed.

I said, literally.

And he said, what?

What's going on, Terry?

What?

Oh, my God.

And he's looking at him.

He said, yeah, he is fucked up.

He sure is.

But this is the thing, man. Sitting there for a couple minutes, it started to change in my heart, in my head, in my belly.
I was going, this is so fucked up right now. I felt I started to get smaller and smaller.
I don't know how to describe it.

I hear you. But it wasn't like the party continued.

No, I feel you.

You know what I mean?

Because I was going.

Yeah, I felt the same thing.

What the hell?

Yeah.

And then I'm going.

Because it started to come to me.

When you're uncomfortable in a public space,

it's one thing being home and being uncomfortable in some way.

But when you're a bunch of people, it's the worst.

It's the worst.

It's the worst.

Because it's everything, plus they're all going to see it.

And whatever it is.

But this was the thing.

Everybody saw it.

Right.

And everybody continued as if it didn't happen.

And I was a little like, I don't like this.

And then I was, then I wanted revenge.

Now, in my head, I was like, I got to fuck this dude up.

In my head.

That's when you called Will Smith.

Yeah.

Well, I've got a situation.

I needed the power of Will at that moment.

Will, I've got a situation.

What would be your recommendation here?

Hey, man, look.

Can you handle this for me, please?

First of all, I knew, and this is another thing, because I've been on that dark side. I have a massive temper.
There were times when I would pick people up and slam them on their heads. And I've done this many, many times.
And this is where I had my wife. We've been married 35 years as of end of July.
OK. Oh, my God.
She told me years before this all happened, she made me promise. Because this is after the police had come and after somebody's on the ground.
And again, she's like, Terry, because I felt he had disrespected me and her and the whole thing.

But this dude, he ended up on the ground.

And she said, Terry, you're going to end up dead.

You're going to end up in jail.

And she was just pregnant with my son at the time.

And he's now 19.

He just left the house.

He just went to college.

But this was 20 years ago.

And she, around 20 years ago.

And she said, you have to promise me you will never get violent. She goes, we're going to lose everything.
This was a sit down. This was a talk.
This was way before George Floyd. This was way before.
She's like, dude, they won't stop. They will kill you.
Because when she saw the police show up and point their guns right at me. Right.
And this old white guy came out of the crowd and was like, oh, no, he was messing with them first. And they believed him, but they didn't believe me and my wife.
You know what I mean? On why I put this guy on the ground. She said, you know what? She said, you're not going to win.
You're never going to win this. And I promised.
I made a promise to her. And everything in my head came back that night.
And I said, oh my god, I'm going to kill this dude. And she said, she looked at me, because she saw the whole thing.
And I grabbed her hand, and I said, let's go. Now, I'm going to tell you this, man.
I was in the car. I remember pulled the car back up.
I got in the car. I wanted to drive the car back through the club like Terminator.
You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Girl, it never stopped. My mind was still going.
I was like, I can't let him get away with this. I can't let this happen, right? But I get in the car, and all my wife did.
And this is, man, I get choked up thinking about it right now.

She just kept saying, I'm proud of you.

Right.

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you, man.

I'm proud of you.

It's just to keep the mental thing, because she saw it.

And she saw me just going, wait, wait, like, I got to.

And she's like, I'm so proud.

Hey, Terry, I'm proud. So it saved his life.
I'm going to tell you that right now. What are your other memories about working with Jews? I can't, agents.
Anyway. I ain't touching that.
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Additional terms apply. Look, nobody's been harder on Trump than me.
But, you know, just putting that aside, the people who hate Trump, one of the big things that they hate about him is that he said, I grab pussies. So, like, if we're talking about grabbing crotchal areas, I mean, it is kind of...
It's bipartisan. It's apples to apples.
You know what I mean? Everywhere. It's apples to apples.
You don't have to go far to see the hypocrisy there. But it all turned out well.
I mean, right? The agent, what happened to the agent? Well, what happened is, you know, you don't rob the biggest bank in town. What happens is you robbed a bunch of little ones on the way up.
You know what I mean? Me, I'm City National sitting up on the corner. What he was doing was all these little ATM hits and all this stuff.
And so what happened is when I decided to sue him, and this was the thing, man. Oh, you did sue.
Oh, yeah. You got to understand, they had, you know, David Pecker and all those guys from the National Enquirer, they had the making up stories on me.
They said, Terry, we have proof that you were in Monaco with two prostitutes. How are you going to handle this story? And we're going to publish it tomorrow.
And I said, well, one prostitute is my wife. The other one is my publicist.
So what are you doing? So what I did, I took the letter they gave me and said they were going to put it.

I put it on Twitter.

And I said, see this?

And he was like, I said, so I'm not scared of that.

Right.

And he really thought I was going to be scared of something that was going to be revealed.

So they started to make stuff up.

And I was like, nah, I'm not going to do that.

There's nothing more liberating than honesty.

Oh, it's so good.

You know, like to not have skeletons or, you know, whenever they, if I'm like at a restaurant or something and they're taking pictures, like, guys, I'm not gay and I'm not married. I don't know what you think you're getting.
I like girls. This is, yeah.
Now, this is. So what? I got to go back because you said, you know, you don't have an addictive personality, but I do.
I was addicted to porn.

I could not stop on

pornography. Well, then I

take something back. I am addicted.

Because

I'm addicted to porn.

First of all, I don't see it as an addiction.

It's something I enjoy

on a daily basis.

Why is it a problem? I'm going to tell you

why.

A lot of this stuff in the religion world and the whole thing,

you know, sex was also something we never talked about.

At home.

At home.

Never.

To this day, I never had a talk with my parents about it.

Same here.

Are you doing it?

And I'm like, nope, nope, not doing it.

I'm good.

We never did either.

And I discovered it at my uncle's house.

Thank you. Same here.
Are you doing it? And I'm like, nope, nope, not doing it. I'm good.
We never did either. And I discovered it at my uncle's house.
It had a chest full. Discovered what? It's porn.
Straight up. Porn.
Magazine. How old? Weed.
Player. Playboy.
All this stuff. In the old days.
I was probably nine, 10 years old. OK, that's a little early for caring about that.
I was messed up. Like messed up.
Like, it literally changed my brain. Because the thing is, you have to be over 18.
But nobody discovers porn at 18. You're always a little bit before that or more.
Well, I'm a little older than you. When I first discovered it, it was a little past nine.
I was still into baseball cards, I but by 11 yes i was and all we had was like to some if somebody had a playboy and it was so tame i mean it was back there wasn't even any pubic hair for me i mean again at 10 years old 9 10 years old looking at hustler or we and player which was a whole... This was another thing.
We. I remember We.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to tell you. I have one.
I think I saved it because Demi Moore was on the cover. She was 19.
Listen, you know what? You're going to send me back into it. It's so good.
They call this recall. This is called a euphoric recall.
I can't do this. I can't talk about this stuff.
Because it's like, oh. But let me get to the point.
Because the point was the porn was something that was activated in me. And I felt guilty all the time.
You know what I mean? What happens is you, and I remember watching, like looking at it and the whole thing, and then when my mother would come pick me up, I was at my uncle's house, my mother would pick me up, I'd slam it down, I'll never do it again, never do it again, but I couldn't stop thinking. But why were you feeling, why was it wrong? What was it hurting? Well, again, what I'm talking about is that religious mode, you know, where you're in the world where it's like, no, good people don't do this, right? So it just kept me on this thing, man.
And I'm going to tell you, then we had the Playboy channel. Like, this is when cable, the early days of cable.
I remember that in New York. Oh, my God.
I figured out, and this is one thing that everybody in the world, all my kids, all my friends as kids, we figured out at the cable box, if you held the channels in between, the blurred pictures would come in clear. All you had to do was hold the channel in between the channels, like just hold it a little bit.
And all that would come out. So here I am, I'm at 11, 12, watching these pornographic movies like Alice in Wonderland or Snow White and Seven Dwarfs and all this.
But it wasn't hardcore. They were more like sexy, hardcore, R-rated.
Yeah. But it was still like, I couldn't get enough, Bill.
I could not. I was like, oh, my God.
Yeah, I couldn't either. And I did not find it a problem.
But for me, but this is what the thing. Washing my pajama bottle.
You know when it becomes a problem? What? It becomes a problem when I couldn't tell anyone. Like, meaning, like, you could say, hey, I'm good with it.
I couldn't tell anyone either. Who's I going to tell? My mother? My father? Even my friends.
But it was, when you're that horny at that age. I was.
Of course. We all are.
I was. And you just have to, and so your dick gets hard anyway.
You know, of course it's like a cow that needs to be milked. You've got to do it.
But it was at the same time. But you didn't have somebody always telling you you shouldn't be doing this.
You understand what I mean? I mean, I was raised Catholic, so it wasn't complete. No, I didn't.
I mean, certainly. Catholics, for us, where we were, we looked at Catholics like, y'all, wow, y'all out there.
You can do whatever you want. Compared to what we were.
Right. You know what I mean? I see what you're saying, yeah.
No, we always looked at, oh, Catholics can do whatever. They're smoking and drinking.
Right. Like, you couldn't even drink.
You couldn't have, you couldn't smoke. We do it in the church, we drink.
No one. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, you guys.
They would look at Catholics like, oh, my God, that's crazy. Now, if you can't wear makeup and you can't dance, I mean, that's footloose shit.
It was footloose. It was Amish.
It was Jehovah's Witness. It was a smidgen of all that.
So all I could do was sit down and shut up. But now you're free of all that, right? All free.
You're free of all that. All free.
But that was part of the rehab part. But because it took me years to get out of that, because I learned to have a secret life.
You understand what I mean? Yeah. Even when I was married.
Sure. As a married man, I knew, okay, I could never tell her this.
I could never reveal this. This could never, ever.
So I realized I had to be one face to her and another face private. I certainly know that syndrome.
I certainly know that feeling. And it's taken me a long time in life to realize this, that as long as it's that way, that's not the right relationship.
As long as you have this kind of always walking on eggshells around a lot of topics, like, you know, if I just even mention about an old girlfriend or something, I know it's just going to cause a chill in the room. That is not the right girl for you.
For me, anyway. I mean, and...
But first of all, the key to a relationship is intimacy. Meaning, you, I know I could see you for who you are, honestly, and you see me for who I am, honestly, and you love me anyway.
Like, good and bad. Right.
You know what I mean? Like, that doesn't mean you're perfect. That means, eh, she got this issue, whatever, but I know it, and I'm fine with it.
And you've made the decision to be fine with it. And she knows you got these issues and the whole thing, but she makes the decision like, I choose to be with you anyway.
Okay. But one bad thing that many women would say about men, if we're going to be honest about accepting what's bad, is that we do find other women attractive.
Not that women don't find other men attractive. They do too.
They just are a little more constant, shall we say. It's in the biology of just like, it's not good to have like a million different dicks in you.
Whereas our biology is quite different. Unless you can be honest with a woman, unless you can say to her just what you would say to a guy.
And I know this is asking the world to most women are like bill you are nuts well maybe i am but i've tried the other way and it doesn't work um you know i don't want to be able to not be able to be like wow that girl's hot and have the girl i'm with be like i'm going home right it's like of course yeah it doesn't mean I'm going to fuck her or hit on her. But let's not make me pretend.
Because once you start with the pretending, it never ends. Well, I pretended.
I pretended for 20 years. I pretended.
I didn't see nothing. I don't know what you're talking about.
I didn't do anything. I don't know anything.
And I lied my ass. Well, I'm sure you also had the issue that many men, most men, don't have to deal with, which is that I'm sure the girls are attracted to you.
And especially once you become famous, they are going to, shall we say, make themselves very available to you. That's very...
I had a rock star here, Darrell Hall, one night, and I said, you rock stars... I mean, when the women are throwing answers like that, when you're a giant rock star, how can you resist? And he went, you absolutely can't.
He said, you know, it's at a point where you cannot even try. It's just.
I'm going to tell you this, though, man. And this is kind of weird.
And this is where I'm a lot different. Because this is something I heard with Andrew Uberman.
He was talking about how the way porn works is that you get used to watch. like, whatever you're looking at is what turns you on.
So if you're watching people have sex, it's better than actually having sex. Like, if that's what you're into, you know what I mean? Like, if it's like, if you're watching it.
And so he's saying, and it's weird because now, this is why a lot of men have a lot of issues. Because they don't really want to actually have actual sex.
It's like, I'd much rather you, I'd rather be a voyeur. I'd rather kind of watch it and then jack off or whatever.
Because that's safer. Because I really, I would look at it like, what if this girl's got an STD? You know, I'm a health nut.
I'm also a health nut. So I was always like, I don't know who you've been with.
I don't know what you're about. That would always keep me from actual.
But you can have sex that's safe. Yes, you can.
You can even fantasize about it. But again, when you're talking about porn, it's too easy.
It's so easy. It's safe.
You feel like, hey, man, oh, man, let me just... No, it is a big problem that kids have this kind of explicit porn from the moment they reach puberty.
You see, I'm in a clear because it was... I never even looked at it on the computer until about five years ago.
I was still with magazines. That was my era.
And I was afraid of the computer and still am a little. I don't like anything that they might be looking at me and there could be cookies and all that kind of stuff.
And what if they, you know, the Republican convention is going on right now yeah and their platform is super hard on pornography you probably love it i haven't seen yeah but i don't think you do because you're for freedom for other people it's just not for you but they want to out i mean this this vice president jd vance they they talk about porn like this is something that should be outlawed. You can't do that.
You can't do that. You can't.
Because you got to say, if you know the way the mind works, as soon as you restrict it, you want it more. This is the way it works.
I could not possibly want it more. I already want it maximum.
No, believe me. If someone all of a sudden said you can't, it's all you think about.
No, I'd be in the street. It's crazy.
Porn flag. I'd become a one-issue candidate.
Trust me, this would be an issue that would get a lot of people to the ballot box. I got to say, that's why I'm not against, like, you can't.
It's freedom for everything. You know what I mean? But for me, and this is the, I'm the kind of guy, when the computer came out, I would wait a half hour for a computer image to download and be sitting there waiting for it to come.
This is the early days of like dial and AOL. That just shows you got a problem.
It took a half hour for a picture to come in? It was bad. My internet, the Wi-Fi was non-existent.
You got to plug in and the images would come in slowly. See, you only knew this five years ago.
In the early days, like in the late 90s, it took a freaking 15 to a half hour for an image to come in. I blame racism.
I'm saying, that's how bad. Are you sure that wasn't just your computer? But I would freaking wait.
And see, again, man, I knew I had a problem when you go into, like, bookstores, and you just, and I'm already famous. Right.
But it felt weird. You know what? And people are like, hey.
I have to tell you something that you'll find, so let me grab your balls. Oh, yeah.
I used to go out. This is the days when porn movies were on VHS.

Right.

I would go out on Halloween when I could be in a full mask

to buy the porn for the whole year.

You see what I mean?

You see?

I hadn't thought of that in a long time.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, it's coming back to you.

With my fucking, like, from the scream guy.

Nobody knows.

I'm good.

And you would go in and just get the whole year's worth.

See, talk about, hey, look, that wasn't honest.

Who says we haven't made progress?

OK.

Now I get.

See, that's me.

Like, I would get my hat and have a ritual.

You know what I mean? And it was dark. And it was a lie to my wife.
No one knew. But see, I mean, I feel like when you're in a relationship, it's even more necessary.
Because the relationship, of course, there's no variety there. We know this is the big problem that many people have.
I don't know anyone who hasn't had to deal with that in some way, that you're going to, as the years go by, it's just inevitable. You know the person better.
You've had sex many times. It can't be quite as, you know, maybe it can up and down a little.
But, you know, basically, you know, I always say a sex life is like a dog. You want it to live forever.
I mean, you love the thing so much. It's so great.
And who doesn't love a puppy? But at some point, that dog is going to die. I'm sorry.
You're going to keep living, but the dog does not live forever. I know that's a horrible thing.
Listen, this is where I want to give you my perspective, which blew me away. Because I felt the same way with what you just said.
I think my sex is dead. We were 20 years married, and our marriage was basically over.
I mean, really, it was literally done. We were like, but this was the thing.
And this is one reason why I went to this rehab. I kind of learned what made me tick.
I went on a sex fast, okay? 90 days. Just like, you know, anybody from a drug or alcohol where you clean out or whatever.
And I said, okay, I'm going to make it through this 90 days, no sex. But my wife is still there.
So it was still like, okay, the desire is there, but what was funny? And I don't know if this is just my makeup or, you know, I was just what I could do. But all of a sudden I started to see her as if, you know, when you were a kid and you were like 10 years old, and there's another girl you liked, and you gave her a flower, and it didn't have anything to do with sex.
Oh, right. You see what I mean? There was a moment where you're like, I just like you.
Right. I think you're beautiful, and I just want to be your friend.
After 45 days, 50 days, 60 days, it turned into that. Like, I was like, I saw her for her.
Whereas before, I was like, I saw her in positions and saw her love and, you know, I'm getting bored with that. But then all of a sudden, it was like, you're so beautiful.
Like, this is a person. And I was like, and I saw her as a true human being that I could really love and appreciate.

And then I knew, I said, I think I crossed the,

I think I turned a corner here.

Like, it's almost like, you know,

people who've been drinking Coke so long,

the water is like, I don't want this water stuff.

And then all of a sudden you get,

you haven't had it in a while.

You're like, man, it's some good water.

Woo. Let me tell you, you just't had it in a while.
You're like, man, it's some good water. Woo.

Let me tell you, you just made a lot of panties wet.

That's not a scam.

That's not a scam.

I know it's not.

But as long as we're talking about porn, that was lady porn.

First of all, that's what they want to hear. Hey, man, that's what my acting coach would have.

He would have told a story like that.

You know what I mean?

Hey, girl, I see you as this. Yeah, I was going to say, it sounded a my acting coach would have told a story like that.
You know what I mean? Hey, girl, I see you as this.

Yeah, I was going to say, it sounded a little acting coach.

No, no.

No, I agree.

No.

There's many.

No scam.

I see the difference.

But again, it changed the nature of our relationship.

Because now, and this is another thing, too.

I didn't go there to save my marriage like my marriage was over and everything in me was like hey man hollywood doesn't care and now i can get any girl i want you know what i mean like at first that was the thought absolutely and i was like but then all of a sudden it made me think like damn you know what if it's me like because before it was like, damn, you know, what if it's me? Because before, it was like, it's her. You know what I mean? Like, it's her.
She doesn't turn me on anymore. And she's always whining about this.
And now I can be free. And now I can be honest without her ball in check.
But the problem was, and this is the thing, and this is what I discovered in all this stuff. It had shit to do with her.
It was all me. Wow.
It was all me. It was all me.
And nothing was wrong with her. She's just being who she is.
She's honest from the get-go. It's me who's lying.
Like, the phrase I would say is, you know, like, why doesn't she believe me? But the question I should have been asking is, why am I lying? You understand what I mean? Well, I can answer that because you have to, because if you don't, that's what, that's my thing about, wow, that girl's hot. You have to lie about that.
Do you think that girl's hot? No, you're the only beautiful girl in the world. Lie.
Yeah, that's a lie. But are you, are you responsible for lie? Or is the person who is making you lie, unless they're going to get a puss on their face, unless you do the lie, we have to both take, participate in the lie.
If for that reason, right? You are right on that respect. But this is the thing.
I would never, I don't have to lie to my wife about whether a woman is pretty or not. I'll tell her that woman is beautiful.
You know what I mean? And she can be like, yep. In fact, she'll tell me.
She's so pretty. But she also knows, wait a minute, this dude can hold out for me.
Like, she knows I waited 90 days. It's almost more of a compliment.
Yes other woman is beautiful and no i don't want her right and now it's you right you see and to me that made

it deeper you know what i mean oh we're getting deep here oh no no what's he done hey what's up

this is joe from past gas podcast by donut media we're an automotive history podcast but you don't

have to be a car person to enjoy our show we tell the craziest stories like the first race across

Thank you. Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Pass Gas Podcast by Donut Media.
We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show.

We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America.

It was basically 45 days of hell.

Or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper.

We've been doing this podcast for over five years now,

and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it with your friends hanging out good vibes so check out past gas wherever you get your podcasts that's another thing too man i mean it also comes with age you know i'm 56 yes i'll be 56 oh it's the best age and i'm really is uh 20 i was stupid you're so 20 how about 30 and 40? Yeah, let's go there.
I'm starting at the beginning. You know, I'm not even so sure about 50, but like, yes.
I mean, it's not great when you have less days than you, you know, as they always say, less tomorrows than yesterdays. But the wisdom, the comfort in your own skin, I mean, you're actually happier.
Hey, man. You're actually more cool with your life every day.
And you have more. You've accumulated more.
More money, more friends, more respect, more... Listen, another fact.
You've seen the cats didn't make it, and why they didn't. Correct.
You lived long enough to watch cats oh yes and i've seen i'm going oh snap like no i mean that's the thing about america i mean we got a zillion problems there's no doubt about it but it is still a place and the reason why people still love it where you can reinvent yourself you certainly did yeah and every day is sort of a new coin for the pinball machine you know you can keep playing a lot of countries you're like sort of set at 18 when you your life is sort of mapped out and here we are free in that way yeah i mean you know it's not corny or conservative to say you're lucky to be an American in 2024. No, it's not.
It's not. But, you know, there's a lot of people who feel like, oh, man, you know, the country's done a lot of bad things.
I'm going to tell you a story, man. This is so crazy.
One thing that blows my mind is that, you know, there are a lot of people who I saw, there was a video on TikTok about these black guys.

They were amazing dancers, man.

They were like the Mitchell brothers, but there was another group, but they were just, the big band was behind them and they were doing all these amazing splits and flipping over each other.

It was art.

It was 100% art.

And people were in the comments were like, too bad they were oppressed. And I just went, hey, man, hold up.
Like, wait, wait. This is the thing.
They were like, too bad they couldn't go to the fountain. And you're like, man, wait, wait.
It just can't, yeah. And this is the thing that blew my mind.
My uncle, he told me, he said, man, you don't understand. These people, back in the day, they were our heroes.
They were. The fact that we saw, if you played a maid in the movie.
Right. We cheered.
Yep. We cheered.
We were like, that's wow.

Look at her.

And we were in the second balcony.

We couldn't go down on the first balcony,

but we were up in the roof on the second balcony

because we weren't allowed to go down there.

But we were happy.

These were our heroes.

And you want to talk.

And what happens is everybody's all so, like,

everything at its time

was what

the best it could be. You understand what I mean?

And everything continues

to grow and continue. Of course

we wouldn't do that now. Of course

there's a lot of things. There's so many things

that I wouldn't do that I could do now

that I wouldn't have done 10 years ago.

But we're all growing

and we're learning.

But to go in hindsight and

pick everything apart

Thank you. that I wouldn't have done 10 years ago.
But we're all growing and we're learning. But to go in hindsight and pick everything apart and not give them the props that they had for being as great as they were.
It's just that's what I hate most about wokeism. It's just such performance art.
It's like you don't really care about solving anything. You just want to pick apart something in a way that can make you feel morally superior.
And it doesn't change anything or mean anything. If I watch Gone with the Wind, it doesn't mean I'm a racist.
It just means you're, oh, you watch Gone with the Wind. You're a bad, I'm not a bad person.
I'm a sentient person who understands it was made in 1939. But see, I'm going to tell you, man, and this is between me and you and everybody who's watching.
See what I mean about this show? I know. Damn it.
You got me in here. You sucked me in, Bill.
That's why it's good. You sucked me in.
Oh, I love it. You have nothing to hide.
I know. I'm going to tell you, that stuff is religion.
It's the same thing I grew up with. You're totally right.
It's the same. If you don't do, where I was from, you couldn't play sports.
You couldn't do that. Now, you can't go see what got on with the wind.
You can't do that. You can't like this guy.
You can't do that. And I went, whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's the same rules. And I went, oh, my God.
It's a new religion. It's a new religion.
Well, you know John McWhorter, the great author? I mean, his book was called The Religion of Anti-Racism. Wow.
I mean, another thing I really hate about those far left types is they hate me because I won't hate someone else. You know, like people I'm supposed to hate,

and I won't hate them.

They're mad at me that I won't hate Elon Musk now

because, I mean, he has gone completely conservative.

You know, he's contributing to Trump and everything.

But no, I'm sorry, I don't hate him,

and I will never hate him.

I'd love to talk to him about it, and we might.

I mean, I've talked to him many times.

But this is a very good thing. I don't hate him, and I will never hate him.
I'd love to talk to him about it, and we might. I mean, I've talked to him many times.
But I hate you because you don't hate someone who's on our list of the deplorables who we hate. I don't want any part of this America.
Listen, when I was a kid, we hated Catholics. Really? Again, we thought you were wild.
We thought, as a Christian, we're the church. Well, what did you think of Jews? Well, see, that's the...
But listen, man, I'm trying to tell you how dangerous this stuff is. When you're talking about the way we grew up, we knew the answers.
Everybody else was wrong. Every religion says that.
Every religion. That's the thing that makes religion so dangerous is to believe all the things they believe that are so existential, like how we got here and who God favors and who's the chosen and all this kind of stuff.
You have to believe that only you have the answer. You can't believe, well, it's debatable.
It's not debatable. You ask so many of those jihadis, like, why do you want to blood? Because Islam is the superior.
And they're ready to blow you up. And they're ready to kill you.
They love the word supremacist these days. And there is racial supremacist here in this country still.
And people sometimes lean that way. And yeah, we still have work to do.
But what's really supremacist is religion. Religion is totally supremacist.
It's like our God is the best. No argument.
We're not debating that. We'll debate like how we treat the people who aren't real believers.
Maybe we'll be nice to them or maybe the infidel should be smited with extreme prejudice. Maybe.
That's what I grew up in. That's, let me tell you, I get triggered even to this day about certain things.
And I hear certain words and I'm like, hey, hey, hey, what do you mean by that? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And this is the thing.
I still, I am not atheist. I still believe in God.
But I think people mess this stuff up. You know what I mean? For me, I think it's always something.
Like my pastor, who ended up on crack and sleeping with women in the church. Pastor Fuzz.
You know what I mean? It's like, hey, man, he didn't live by the words he was saying. You see what I mean? Very few pastors.
Very few religious people. There are some.
There are sincere priests. There are some good people.
They're absolutely sincere priests. But I'll tell you this, man.
And I see where this stuff goes and how it sounds exactly the same. These extremes on both sides have made me go, there's no nuance.
Can we bring nuance back into conversation? My whole thing. This is one reason I'm even sitting here with you today.
That's why I signed this book to you. Oh, thank you.
I hope this is the one I signed. And you know what, man, Bill? I got to tell you, man.
This is all about nuance. And let's not, my book, I'm plugging it now.
I got to tell you, man, one thing I admire about you. What this comedian said, well, it's eight weeks now on the bestseller list.
I'm very proud of it. You'll love it.
You're going to love it. First of all, I got to give you props.
You are going to love that. I'm going to give you your props because you took the heat head on.
You keep taking it head on, which is a whole nother level of courage. I got to give you props.
Thank you. Because all you can say, anybody, no matter, anybody can say they don't like you, but they can't say you're not courageous.
Or that I'm not honest. Even my enemies don't say that.
Even my enemies don't say I'm a liar. But yeah.
I respect that. It's also liberating.
There are certain things that you have to sacrifice for that because America is so tribal. So if you're not in one of the two main camps, it's a little like, in this book I think I compared it to prison, where you can't just, if you're not with the Muslim Brotherhood, you're with the Aryans.
You know, there's no like, hey, I agree with everybody. I think everybody should get along.
You know, that doesn't happen in prison. And the country is getting like that.
But I do speak for a different group. There is a large group in the middle who are not ideologically captured and have had it with both fringes, which control the debate way too much.
And that's who I speak for. There are Democrats, independents, non-drooling Republicans.
They're all welcome in my tent. And they appreciate that I don't hold my tongue on either side.
And you mentioned nuance. Exactly.
They get it that when I go after the left, It doesn't mean I'm a Republican now. Because I'm not.
It just means I'm not. I mean, for the last year when I've been trying to get Biden out of the race because he is too old and I thought I had the stature to say it because I was always so against ageism.
But I always said it's a case by case. This is the case.
And people would be like, oh, Bill, don't don't make jokes about Biden's age. It'll help Trump.
Right. Like we wouldn't have noticed.
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Terms, conditions, message, and data rates may apply. Hey, I'll be at the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Center in Atlanta on September 7th, September 8th, the Riverside in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and September 28th, the Orpheum Theater in Memphis, Tennessee.
September 29th, the Taft Theater in Cincinnati, Ohio. And November 1st and 2nd, the David Copperfield at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.
But I got to tell you this, when I was a kid, they knew the pastor was doing all these things. And they were like, can't say anything bad about them.
Because, you know, and I went, but we're the ones who should. You're right.
You know, like, we're the ones who's here. We're in the church.
We see it. Right.
And we weren't allowed. And I go, that's just a sign of what extreme religiosity is.
They did the same thing with Jim Jones, the same thing with David Koresh. No one could say it.
And people died. I'm telling you, man, I just have to start with me because I know that I was,

there was a time when I was fake.

You know what I mean?

Like that time, because again,

I didn't go with all this stuff to get my wife back.

It was like, I need to be a better person.

Like I was like, I don't like me.

You know what I mean?

I don't like this dishonest, sneaky version of me.

But see, Hollywood doesn't care.

Like that helps you. Hollywood loves that.
That's what I'm saying. They're like, dude, that's called being in a movie.
Hey, man, how many love stories are made by people who molested many people? You know what I mean? Listen, Miramax made plenty of love movies, love stories. And they were like, in the back alley.
It was like, whoa. So I said, I can't.

And that was the big thing for me, man.

Like I hit this thing where I had to decide.

I was like, I'm out.

I'm out.

This is one reason why.

And because I had this come to Jesus with myself,

that's why when the Me Too thing happened,

I was so like, I'm joining us.

Thank you. With myself, that's why when the Me Too thing happened, I was so like, I'm joining us.
Because the way anybody even knew, nobody even knew until I tweeted about it. Because I said...
And the man part of that was, of course, it doesn't happen as much. Men are not nearly as vulnerable, but it does happen.
Dude, you know how many men came forward to me? Right. Literally like, dude, that same thing happened to me.
People in my case, there were guys and women who came forward. I wish I could say a man once tried to grab my ball, but sadly, nobody did, and I don't know why.
I was very attractive. But let me ask you this.
When you go to the sex rehab, what is it about? They just punch your dick? No, no. You get up in the morning, and they start wailing on your cock? You know, I guess that's the only way I could really describe what it was.
But what it was was just counseling. You know what I mean? I call it sex rehab, sex addiction rehab.
Is there ever a small voice in the back of your head that says, you know what? Maybe this is all just brainwashing and indoctrination. Oh, yeah.
They call it counseling, but they sent me away to some place like McMurphy in Cuckoo's Nest, and they are really just kind of lobotomizing me so I'm now compliant to the women's demand? I felt that way the first two days.

I was going, this is... And then the brainwashing worked.
I was literally like, this is bullshit. I literally was.
And then I started to really just see... It was wild because I saw the difference between who I was and the person I wanted to be.
That's where it was. It wasn't them.
I would say, like I said, it wasn't the power of people talking to me. It was the power of me sitting in my room and saying, I don't want to be that.
I want a different life. And you're talking about America.
You're talking about the fact that you can reinvent yourself. I said, I want to be different.
I don't want this dude. I don't like who I am.
And I said, I want to change this. Well, you hit it well.
Because I always loved you in everything I saw you. I mean, you never stopped working.
No. I love Everybody Hates Chris.
Thank you. Love that show.
Never missed one episode. So funny.
Now, this is the thing, too. One thing I love is coming out of all that stuff, I could see, I could really, I'm king of nuance, because you see people who are so extreme, you see all this, you see the extremes of everything, and that's where comedy is.
That's where funny is. That's where idiocracy was.
Dude, you know who I was? When I was President Camacho, I was my pastor. That's why it was like, I'll give you my word.
He ain't gonna fix the dust stones too. It was charisma that allowed people to cheer, but he was saying nothing.
This is how much I love this movie. Do you remember the scene where Luke Wilson, he's getting the tattoo for who his identity is and name, and he goes, well, I'm not sure.
Not sure. No, I was going to say, I'm not sure whether he was.
Not sure. Remember when they had to either put the stick in his butt or in his mouth, and then they forgot which one it was? But listen to this.
So I got a new car about a year ago. And that makes you, you know, what is your name? You have to say so that when you turn on the car, it can say hello to you.
I fucking hate this, but I'm not sure. But you know what name I use? What do you use? Not sure.
Not sure. So when I turn on my electric Mercedes Benz, it says, welcome, not sure.
Hey, man, me, Maya Rudolph, Dax Shepard, dude, Mike Judge, we did not know. We thought, oh my, because the movie was originally called 3001.

Maya Rudolph?

Maya.

Yeah.

She was in the movie and Scarface from the Ghetto Boys.

But this is the thing.

It was called 3001. And Mike said, wait a minute, we got to rename it.

But some of the stupidity that it evokes, we just see having, I mean, go through an airport, you know, and, you know, or just anything that is so frustrating because it's automated. I mean, it really is amazingly prescient, that movie.
You know, one thing that happened in that movie that not a lot of people are talking about is this slow rewriting of history through movies. Like, you know, they had it where the dinosaurs were in like a theme park.
I visited there and I made a movie about this, Religulous. Yeah.
And we went there. We shot there.
It's in the movie. And it starts to change history.
Like right now,, even now, I think this movie, Fly Me to the Moon, is like the moon. They actually put a fact in, like, they faked the moon landing.
And I'm going, but that's not a fact, is it? No, no, no. That's not what the movie's about.
No, it's not what it's about, but it's in the movie. You see what I mean? I haven't seen it yet.
It's important to the plot. The plot of the movie is that they're going to the moon, but if it doesn't work, they don't want to scare the people, so they're going to shoot a fake version just so they can show them that.
Now, there are people, I mean, Candace Owens, who can be very intelligent, I am, you know, she can get on a roll on something, and I'm like, wow, she is saying it so right. She sat right there, and she knows this.
We don't agree on everything. She doubts the moon landing.
Wow, yeah, yeah. I mean, flat earthers.
Neil deGrasse Tyson is one of my good friends. Yes, he sat there too.
Amazing, amazing. Atheist.
Right. But I learned so much from it.
Exactly. I learned.
That's why I love, I got to hear it, man. I want to hear everything.
Give me all the information. Atheists, I mean, there's a theory that atheists are like doctrinaire.
Like there is no God. That's not what we say.
Atheist, as Richard Dawkins pointed out, just means atheist. In other words, like asymmetrical.
Atheist. Like you believe in a God.
We just don't. We're not saying, oh, for sure, we know the answer.
We don't know the answer. No one knows the answer.
Nobody does. I agree with that.
It's ridiculous that we're here. We act ridiculously.
It seems so unlikely. And we certainly don't know.
We know the age of the universe. But what was before that is a question you can never ask.
Okay, Neil deGrasse Tyson will tell you 14 billion years, that's when the Big Bang, the Big Bang itself seems more ridiculous than Jesus is a virgin birth. But okay, fine, everything in the universe fit inside of a marble and then it exploded.
Great. Maybe I'm simplifying.
But listen, me and Neil, some of the best conversations I've ever had in my life. Oh, yes.
Because I'm just like, wow. When you can follow these things up with facts, and I'm a big physics guy.
So is Mike Judge. Mike Judge was like a physics major and all the things.
But I just love knowing that out there the rules are different. You know what I mean? But all the laws are the same.
But when you're talking about speed and time and gravity and the relation between electrons and just magnetism, those rules that are so beautiful, like, whoa! Well, it's very easy to find people who, like, have no clue about anything. And I'm not, this is not my area either.
I'm a social studies kind of guy. Okay.
But I truly am interested in science, and I know the basics. When you try to explain to somebody, a lot of people don't even know what a light year is.
They don't know it's a measure of distance. Yeah, yeah.
And when you explain, the distance is, okay, light travels at 186,000 miles per second. Per second.
Yes. Now, so a year of those would be very far.
And then if you're talking about like 10,000 light years, really far. Dude, I love getting my brain exploding.
You know? Yeah. It's kind of like they show like a computer reenactment of what a black hole would look like.
And I remember looking at it and just replaying it over and over again. Like, oh my God.
Like, light itself can't escape. It's just beautiful.
Like, to me, everything is malleable. You know, that blows my mind.
You know, time itself. Yes.
It's so, and it's all, like, I even think about when I'm doing something wonderful, and it's like, it's over like that. But when you are doing something you hate, it just takes forever.
It's just like, what? Yeah, you know, whenever people complain to me about time, and I complain about this myself, time is going so fast. I always say to them, go to prison.
You want to slow it down? Oh, my God. They'll take you? That's a great one.
Go to prison. And trust me, time will not go so fast.
Oh, my God. That's brilliant.
I mean, I'm glad time is going fast. But yeah, it does.
And of course, as you know, now that you're over 50, as you get older like that, it does go even faster. Dude, it's like a roll of toilet paper.
Oh. The closer you get to the end...
It starts getting... I must say I never thought about it.

I'm telling you, the first couple of sheets is like,

ah, we got plenty.

All of a sudden, you're like, oh, hey, hey, hey, it's over.

I, again, we just became empty nesters.

We have five kids.

They're all out of the house.

Wow.

Now it's me and my wife.

How is that?

Huh?

Dude, it was a minute ago I was holding this dude. And he's my youngest.
All my kids are grown, and I love it. But what's it like to be an empty nester? Are you enjoying it? I'm literally, we're three weeks in.
Right. And we're like, we can go anywhere we want.
Right. We went to Santa Barbara.
Right. We're going to Hawaii this weekend.
We just, I'm like, wow. You know, there's a movie I got to recommend to you.
What is it? I don't remember the title, but it's with, maybe you saw it. It's about 10 years ago.
Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones. What is the name of this movie? Whoa.
And Steve Carell is a therapist, a psychiatrist therapist.

Anyway, the whole movie is about Meryl Streep is determined to teach Tommy Lee Jones to re-fuck her.

That's the movie.

Yes.

I don't think I saw this movie.

You would have remembered.

They're like this married couple. I mean, that's long ago.
So they're 50-ish. Yeah.
And he's, you know, gets home at night, watches the Golf Channel, and falls asleep in his Barca lounger. Gets up in the morning and, like, breakfast and, you know, kiss on the cheek.
And she's just furniture. She could say the house is on fire.
He wouldn't even hear her. Goes to the office.
That kind of. He's a dull guy.
Well, he's certainly, his senses are dulled as far as his attraction to her. And her, just be nice.
You know, it's one thing if you stop fucking. But you don't have to stop, like, touching and caring and making something.
You know, that's what. I'm going to tell you, this empty nest thing, it's the best thing that's happened to me in years.
Because again, I went back to that image of me giving her a flower and I was saying, like she was my girlfriend. And I'm like, it's just us, babe.
And let me tell you, man, nothing like having this woman who knows everything about you, good and bad, and you can honestly, honestly share. And that doesn't mean we agree.
That's how we fight. I said, but you know what I tell her? I said, you know you're annoying, and I love it here.
That sums up our relationship. Like, wow.
It's a good pain. It's a good, like, it's a challenging.
Like, it's not a, okay, what do you want? What do you want? No, it's like, I'm challenged. I'm facing you.
I love you. But that doesn't mean we got to be all simpatico.
It's like, oh, I didn't see it like that. That's like the third thing I've heard in the last month on that theme of what you just said was like, you're annoying, but I love it here.
I read Sean Penn quoted in Maureen Dowd's profile of him, and she was asking him about smoking, and I think he quoted Charles Bukowski, who said, find what you love and let it kill you. And then I heard Jerry Seinfeld talking to Howard Stern, and he was saying something like, you know, it's all torture.
You know, marriage is torture, and, you know, getting a new act is torture, but, you know, that's what it is. I don't agree with any of this.
I don't agree with any of these. You're like, no, that's not it.
No, I don't want to find what I love and let it kill me. I don't want to have anything kill me.
I don't want torture. I don't want to be annoyed.
I hear you. I'm just a different kind of dude.
Listen, man, I'm that guy who wants to take the long trip. And there are people who like to go to Epcot and just go pretend they went to Germany and France and all these other places.
And it's like, it's so much easier. You know what I mean? Oh, look, we're at Oktoberfest in Germany.
No, you're in Florida. But I'm like, no, let's go.
I want to go. And it takes a lot of effort.
You should go. Did you ever go on Magic Johnson's yacht? No, I haven't.
I've been following it, though. It's beautiful.
Every summer, what a vacation. I feel that this is just a terrible miscarriage of justice.
You should be on that trip. Not me.
White people are not allowed on that boat. And I perfectly respect that.
I love magic. I love magic cookies.
I totally respect that. I want to.
Listen, let me tell you. But you should be on that boat.
First of all, me and my wife last year did the vacation of a lifetime. It was so good we didn't tell anybody.
We didn't post. We didn't do that.
We rented a yacht. Where? Oh, rented a yacht.
Oh, yeah. We did a yacht.
We went to San Tropez. We did the whole French Riviera.
It was just me and her and a staff. And we didn't take no pictures.
We didn't send any. And no other guests.
No other guests. Just you and her.
That's very romantic. It was the vacation of a lifetime.
Wow. You're both very lucky.
That's what I mean. Very few people married, as long as you have, would ever do anything just by themselves.
That's why I know. Listen, that's why I'm saying I'm not saying this is for everybody.
But I know what's for me. No.
You know what I mean? Lucy and Ricky always brought Fred and Apple. Yeah.
You know. I don't need anybody else, dude.
I learned a long time. I feel so comfortable with her.
All those wet pussies just came. Yeah, I know.
I didn't say that, man. That was him.
No, he can't help doing it. It's a beautiful thing.
I appreciate this, man. I appreciate you.
And you made me laugh and entertain me so many times. I'm telling you, you never stop working.
Amen. And I will never.
First of all, this is another thing, too. It's great.
I want to say this. First of all, show business, we love it, right? I love it.
It's the greatest. Cool.
I mean, it's full of shit. If you complain about this, you don't deserve it.
Exactly. What the hell? I mean, it's crazy, but it's fucking better than whatever else.
You know what, man? Please. My grandmother spent 40 years putting a nut on a bolt at AC Sparkplug.
Right. Bought her house.
Right. Did her whole life, but that was what she did every day for 10 hours a day, nonstop for 40 years.
That's rough. Hey, man, I'm living.
Right. What a life.
Right. And I'm so great.
So great that you recognize that. And, you know, because if you can't enjoy it while you're going through it, I mean, you might as well be light years away.
And I like the new stuff. Like, for me, I'm not complaining about the changes in business and all this stuff, man.
It's like, I think we're going to, my thing is, there's more opportunity than ever. Like, remember, first of all, I'm from a day when I was a kid, there was three sitcoms that you, as a black man, you could be on.
It was Good Times, The Jeffersons. And there was only maybe one other.
Now you can make your own freaking show and put it out. Did you see Eddie Murphy's speech when he, about, I don't know, three, four months ago, he received some award.
I forget what it was. I didn't see it.
And he made a speech and he said, when I started in the business, there was like one black movie star, Sidney Poitier. And there was very few directors and very few people who ran the whole shebang there.
And he said, now we got all of that. I thought it was like really great, talking about honesty, that he was like not doing what a lot of people would do and saying, we need more.
Of course, we always need more work. And work is never done.
Progress is never completed. We're never at the end of the journey.
But just to say, it was honest, we got all that now. Can we just celebrate when we do something right? That's what I'm about.
Yeah. I'm literally like looking at all the black people that got Emmy nominations.
Let's celebrate them. But you know what? That's the thing.
You look at it and go, there needs to be more. The snubs.
I'm going, huh? Huh? Huh? Why are we concentrating on who got snubbed? Give them some props. I am the single most snubbed person.
So on that note, oh, plug your movie. Don't you have a movie? Yes, yes, I got a movie, The Killer's Game, coming out with Dave Bautista action comedy.
Oh, yeah. We're assassins.
It's beautiful. Scott Adkins.
It's about time I say someone made a movie about assassins. When is someone going to make a movie about Hitman? First of all, one thing I'm happiest about, it's less than three hours, which is, right now, everybody's on this three-hour movie kick, and I can't handle it.
I'm literally like, hey, man, I'm not in the theater. Even the ones that are 220 should be 150.
Come on. It's a beautiful, beautiful popcorn, fun.
You'll be able to check the girl, get some pieces. Is this in the theaters? September.
No, this comes out in September. In the theaters? In the theaters.
Only theaters only. It's beautiful, man.
And what's it called? I love it. It's called Killer's Game.
Killer's Game. My man, J.J.
Perry, Dave Bautista. How could there not have already been a movie called Killer's Game? Isn't it great? Isn't it great? I love it.
I love it. And you play, I'm guessing, a massage therapist.
I play this killer named Love Doll, who was actually, you know, this guy who's trying.

What happens is he gets sick, and he decides he's going to put a hit out on himself.

And we're all in this, like, we're in the, like, killer's union.

So we have an app where we're all, like, on.

He's like, OK, oh, wow.

He puts the money out.

And then he finds out it's a mistake. It's a misdiagnosis.
Now he's trying to call it off. It's too late okay, oh, wow.
He puts the money out. And then he finds out it's a mistake.
It's

a misdiagnosis. Now he's trying to call it off.
It's too late. Too late, buddy.
Just say assassin and you have me. Isn't it great? Isn't it great? Interesting ways to kill people.
The number of movies they've made about hit men and assassin, it's just amazing. Because in real life, there's not that many.
No, no. You know, for hire.

But if life was movies and you went into the old phone book, there'd be like pages after pages. It's the fantasy, man.
I just called Acme Hitman because it was the first one. I don't know.
First of all, think about how good the revenge movie is. It's like it never goes away.
It's always reinvented itself. Oh, my God.
I was in the days of Billy Jack. Remember that? Oh, of course.
Billy Jack. Billy Jack.
And then Charles Bronson. Right.
And then it was Clint. Yes.
And then it moved to Liam, you know, and taken. Yes.
Mel was like, you know, payback. Everybody.
Come on. John Wick.
Everybody has to have. Better than sex.
I ain't gonna lie to you. A good revenge movie.
Now I see. Jake Gyllenhaal just did.
Yes. Roadhouse.
Everybody wants to have a franchise where they're a badass who kills many, many people. And walks away.
And gets away with all of them. All right.
And you better get yours very soon. All right.
I love you, man. Quick arm wrestle.
I don't want to. Come on, asshole.
I knew it. That was inevitable.
Bill Maher. Damn you.
That was so much fun. We got to do it again.
I love this bit. I want to do it.
We got to do some comedy together sometime. Yeah.
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