Bobby Lee | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Speaker 1 When I did Jay Leno in the year 2000,

Speaker 1 no one called me the next day, not even my parents. That's my point.

Speaker 1 I remember the date it happened and where it was. No, you remember it.
December 8th, 1983 in Sacramento. Wow.

Speaker 1 God, you look so good. Ozimkik?

Speaker 1 I'm doing so good. Good to see you, buddy.
Good to see you. Thanks for having me on.
Thanks for being had.

Speaker 1 Okay, thank you. You're welcome.
Wow. So I have to say, Bill, the first time I met you, you don't remember.
May I say it?

Speaker 1 Was it on Med TV? No. I was never on the show when you did the show.
What years were you talking about? The last eight.

Speaker 1 Not the first seven. Wow, it was on for 15 years? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I must have been on the first seven. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. However, they used to also do me.
Who did that?

Speaker 1 They did a version of Politically Incorrect. Was it Michael McDonald? I don't remember.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So I met you.

Speaker 1 They used to have the Maui Film Festival. Yes.
What? I remember I got the Maverick Award. Right.
And I briefly met you. I think you were high.
Of course. Yeah, yeah, you were high.

Speaker 1 But you were so kind to me. Really? It was really quick.
Oh, good. And so, and then I ran into you one more time at the comments.
You're super sweet. But this is my only third encounter with you.

Speaker 1 I'm a huge fan. Thank you.

Speaker 1 I'm a fan of you too.

Speaker 1 I love you so much. Politically incorrect and religious, all that stuff, man.

Speaker 1 So, no, I'm so, you know, I was a little nervous coming here, but I'm fine now.

Speaker 1 I'm totally fine. I'm totally fine.
It's so funny, all the people who come here and they say, you know, for a guy who has a reputation of being such a hard ass, everybody comes on here.

Speaker 1 I met you, you were so nice.

Speaker 1 How did I get to be known? I guess because I do a debate show and I have to sometimes say things to Ted Cruz or somebody that's not particularly nice. Or people from the left, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but when we see you, we're not like, oh, that's who he is. I mean, obviously, you have a personal life and you're just a kind human being.
I'm the exact same person, like on real time.

Speaker 1 It's just that I'm doing a different thing with different kinds of people.

Speaker 1 But if they were sitting here, I would be no different. Well, of course, I actually am higher here, but

Speaker 1 that doesn't really affect me that much. I mean, I've been smoking so long, I can only get so high.
Yeah, yeah. You know, people sometimes say to me, oh, Bill, I got this stuff for you.

Speaker 1 It's going to kick your ass. I'm like, I would blow you if it could.

Speaker 1 I know you all think you can kick my ass. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And you don't, but, but I, but I appreciate the effort. Yeah.
But isn't there a strand or something new that comes out? You're like, oh, this is even heavier now.

Speaker 1 No, it's not COVID. I mean, it doesn't,

Speaker 1 it doesn't mutate.

Speaker 1 I mean, can they, what they can do. But they engineer stronger.
Well, what they do is just pack it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I may have explained this before, so forgive me of the people who listen every word, but like pot moves from the leaf that can be strong, but only so strong.

Speaker 1 If you then crush it down further, you get hash. That's what hash is.
That's what hash is. You just squeezed it.
Yeah. And then

Speaker 1 I squeeze it.

Speaker 1 You get hash oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then something called Keefe. Oh, yeah, I've heard of Keefe, yeah.
That's the strongest inversion.

Speaker 1 So I guess if you just did pure Keef or something, you would be like crazy. Okay, but you know,

Speaker 1 I mean, let's keep it an intro. That's ice.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm making a new tongue.

Speaker 1 I mean, the tongs here, no? Those are tongs. Okay.
Tongs. Also, your relative.

Speaker 1 I love it. I love it.
The tongs.

Speaker 1 And by the way, you're the earliest guest. I've never, is this like Asian time?

Speaker 1 Is that a thing? I live right next to you.

Speaker 1 You do? I mean, not next to you, but I live in like eight minutes away. Really? Yeah.
Like, I I live on the hillside of Studio City almost. Long enough to speak to someone about it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, great. Yeah, I bought a house from Joe Gallon.
I don't know if you know him. You know, Joe Gallon.
Joe Gallon, no. He's a producer anyway.
Let's move on.

Speaker 1 I also want to say this, dude. I want to say something that happened the other day.
Okay, Bill, if you don't mind. Yes.
I was at Floyd's Barbershop.

Speaker 1 In Maybury?

Speaker 1 No, they say.

Speaker 1 I think that's a chain. Oh, of course.
Yeah, it's a chain. I never knew that, though.
That's hysterical. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Floyd's barber.

Speaker 1 Explain to the young kids

Speaker 1 where that comes from. Right, which is interesting that you say that because I was getting a haircut and on the TV, Timothy Chalamet's ad came on for the Bob Dylan movie night.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I made a comment like, oh, shit,

Speaker 1 Shalomay kind of looks like Bob Dylan. You know what I mean? And the dude next to me goes, who's Bob Dylan?

Speaker 1 And then I stood up and I went around the fucking barbershop and I asked every single person, do you guys know who bob dylan no one who the bob dylan is so what i don't know why i'm getting am i getting too emotional no i'll lean back no no i think i'm getting too much let me calm let me comment

Speaker 1 bobby be yourself if you're passionate about something then plead thank you bill so what i want to say what i'm no i want to say what i want to say is is that yeah god's green earth i mean are we out of touch maybe i'm out of touch no no no no that's just the nature of the world i mean nothing lasts um what is that

Speaker 1 We got to make a reel of every single person on this show asking me what it is and me always saying I'm roofing myself.

Speaker 1 I can't explain.

Speaker 1 It's just to make soda. It's non-chemical diet soda.
Okay.

Speaker 1 You know, because I'm such a health nut.

Speaker 1 I'm smoking a giant

Speaker 1 pot snugging. Thanks.
Well, you know,

Speaker 1 the Chiron for your age. I always say when people say you look great, they should have put Chiron for your age.

Speaker 1 How old are you? 68. God, you look good.
How old are you? Dude, I'm like 52, man.

Speaker 1 I think 52. Well, my penis gets half hard now.
It doesn't get full. I might have to get on like,

Speaker 1 I don't know, something.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 I think maybe it's because I'm jaded. I don't know.
Yeah, that's a lot of very personal information. I thought about to listen to Baldimo.
No, no, that's why we're...

Speaker 1 Oh, well, let's talk about Baldimo then. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 See, that interests me because

Speaker 1 I've certainly heard other stories like that. I mean, I probably told this before, but Leno told me once he was in Vegas and they were taking down a big picture of Elvis or something.

Speaker 1 And he said to the guy, why are you taking it down? Isn't he one of the big attractions in this show? Or they go, it's like a, you know,

Speaker 1 people who imitate other people show. And the guy said, yeah, the kids don't know who he is anymore.
I mean, nothing. I mean, this is, did you ever see...

Speaker 1 like a footage from like an excavation where they find, you know, civilizations that are buried in the sand. And it's like you realize that, wow, not that much time goes by.

Speaker 1 They don't need to forget who these people are, but it's buried. Like, I always think, how does it, how does the whole city get buried? And it must just be like a little film of sand every year.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. See what happens.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? Obviously.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Sandstorms out of nowhere. What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, it's amazingly quick how things recede in, like, like you think, oh, it's only a couple of thousand years ago. They can't tell you what people were doing.
Not really.

Speaker 1 We have like these clues and like everything from the Stone Age.

Speaker 1 That's not really what the Stone Age was about. It's just that stone is the only thing that lasted.

Speaker 1 They made most of this shit out of wood, but it's gone. It's gone.
So we don't really know what they were doing. Exactly.

Speaker 1 So what are you saying then? What I'm saying is in that large context,

Speaker 1 it's not that weird that kids would not know who Bob Dylan is.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm glad you said that because now it makes me feel better about myself because it's like, now I don't have to worry about what people think of me and whatnot. I'm going to die soon.

Speaker 1 And all, you know, I mean, remnants of Bobby Lee will disappear and I could just be free. Well, some of that is true.

Speaker 1 But can I, but here's. At a certain point, all remnants of all of us will disappear.
But why do you think you're going to die soon?

Speaker 1 I mean, I have probably another 30 years left, right? You think that's soon?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, I have no idea. I mean, you see, like, you know.
First of all,

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 30 years,

Speaker 1 especially with AI now, it is really impossible to predict what three years from now will be like, let alone 30. You couldn't even.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're saying singularity is going to happen and they're going to have things wrong with robots? Well, things like that. I mean, we are moving to an era of, I mean,

Speaker 1 the change has been exponential.

Speaker 1 But, you know, when you get to that topper reaches of the exponential curve, you're just going at a dizzying pace of change. And I mean, it could all be gone by Christmas.

Speaker 1 I mean, really, I mean, the fucking

Speaker 1 robots could take over.

Speaker 1 New fears, man. What the fuck? Well.
Yeah, yeah. But can I go back to the Bob Dylan thing?

Speaker 1 Absolutely. When these kids have these arguments like, well, dude, that's not my generation.

Speaker 1 When I went to high school, Mozart wasn't my generation, but I know who he is.

Speaker 1 I've done lots of shit on this. I think it's in my book.
Oh, damn, I didn't bring my book for you. I wanted to bring my book.
I'll get it later.

Speaker 1 It's one back on

Speaker 1 now, number 10 on the

Speaker 1 10 weeks of the bestseller chart. What this comedian said will shock you.
Available from Simon and Schuster. What is this in your book, though?

Speaker 1 This phenomenon that you're talking about, there's a piece about it where when you say to kids something from the past, they go,

Speaker 1 I wasn't born yet. Like, yeah, I know, but things happened before you were born, you spoiled fucking entitled brat.

Speaker 1 It's just so indicative of how they're raised wrong, raised wrong by, and now I'm doing it,

Speaker 1 by parents who blow smoke up their ass and make them feel like way more special than they deserve to feel. Like it just doesn't matter if I wasn't around for it.

Speaker 1 And there was an episode on real time about, oh no, 10 years ago, Megan McCain, McCain, you know who that is, right?

Speaker 1 That's McCain's daughter. Right.
She was on The View for years. And she was over.

Speaker 1 She's very nice. I like her too.

Speaker 1 But she was on with Paul Bagala, and he just devastated her with, she said something about, like, I didn't know I wasn't around, the same line about, I forget what, what.

Speaker 1 we were talking about, but something from the, I don't know, maybe the 70s or something. I wasn't around.
And he said, yeah, I wasn't around for the French Revolution, but I know about it. Yeah, wow.

Speaker 1 Get a big laugh.

Speaker 1 I believe she began crying.

Speaker 1 She did not cry, but she, no, she's a tough girl.

Speaker 1 But I think she wanted it. I mean, it was just, and of course, especially back then, the crowd was

Speaker 1 like rapidly. uh woke liberal.
I used to fucking fight with them every week.

Speaker 1 And so they, of course, relish because they're, they're all about just who's on the right team. So she's on the wrong team.
Paul's on the right team.

Speaker 1 He gets a shot in and it's like, you know, let's, let's go fucking to get the wizard of Oz.

Speaker 1 You know, we just killed the witch of the east or whatever. But can I ask you another question? Maybe kids are more, some kids are born more curious.
Like, like when I was in high school, true, right?

Speaker 1 We had no internet. This is the late 80s.
No, no. Bill, late 80s.
Where do we get movies? We had to go to Blockbuster.

Speaker 1 I ride my bike to Blockbuster, right? I remember. There was a little section called Criterion Collection, right? Criterion.
Did I not say that? Meaning. It's a collection of movies.

Speaker 1 Is that the right thing? It's a word.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, okay, so it's something.

Speaker 1 There's a collection of films. I don't know who Criterion is, but they buy like really, I guess they get the rights of really cool movies.
Sounds like a pretentious film company. Exactly.

Speaker 1 But then they had all the Kurosawa films. Right.
So I would go there and I go. I mean, obviously there's no internet or anything.
So I don't know who Kurosawa is.

Speaker 1 But obviously, you know, know, Seven Samurai, I just had this curiosity, right? And I was like, you know, I mean, I could watch gremlins, but I'm like,

Speaker 1 you know what? Let me check this out. And I liked it.
My point is, maybe some kids aren't curious and want to learn things. Maybe people just learn things that are shoved down their throat.

Speaker 1 Now, Kurosawa is one of the most important directors that you need to pretend you care about.

Speaker 1 I've always said.

Speaker 1 Wait, you don't like Kurasawa? I have no idea. I've never seen the movies.
I should. Maybe I'll get to it.
I certainly know.

Speaker 1 Bill,

Speaker 1 I don't want to yell at you.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Sorry.
I know it's your show. But what the fuck, man?

Speaker 1 No, stop, stop, stop, stop. Sorry.

Speaker 1 This is annoying.

Speaker 1 It's always annoying. All right, stop, stop, let's listen.
When people go, oh, oh, I can't believe you don't know this or you're not into this. I had this just at dinner the other night.

Speaker 1 You know, like they were saying to me, they were bringing up, I sent a friend of mine

Speaker 1 something from, I know she's a big fan of Patty Smith.

Speaker 1 Okay, that's not my kind of music. I recognize she's a great performer, artist, whatever she is.
I don't know. I'm sure a million years ago, I gave it a try.

Speaker 1 I was like, this is not pop music, which is great for some people. And so then there was like, you don't like, no, I don't.
And then it went to Leonard Cohen. You don't.

Speaker 1 Not what I've heard. Again, I sampled it.
It didn't make me want to go deeper. You know, Tom Waits.
I mean, all these kind of like,

Speaker 1 and it's like, how can you not? I'm like, well, apparently the thing I cannot get into is what like 98% of people cannot get into.

Speaker 1 You know, when I listen to music, I just want to hear what I want to hear, what makes me happy. Kurosawa,

Speaker 1 will I watch him someday? Yeah, I probably will. It hasn't happened.
Okay, Bill. That's it.
I apologize. No, no.
I'm just telling you.

Speaker 1 Because I could do it. You're right.
You're right. You're right.
Because I could do it to you about things. And I'd be like, you're not into.

Speaker 1 Well, don't do the do one. one?

Speaker 1 No, no, but it kind of reminds me of

Speaker 1 the way like

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. No, listen,

Speaker 1 it just reminds me of the way people politically do the same thing.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 you know, I can't believe that you

Speaker 1 don't love or I can't believe you don't hate Donald Trump. Like, I happen to, but I get it why other people don't and why they find the threat more coming from the left.
I don't agree with them.

Speaker 1 I'd like to talk them out of it, but I wouldn't be there going like, what? You don't see Trump's an asshole. It's like saying to a...

Speaker 1 I already apologize. It's like saying, let go of the Curosawa thing.
It's like saying to a gay man, what? You don't like pussy? No, that's not the same.

Speaker 1 No, that's not the same thing.

Speaker 1 Pussy's the best. No, no, no, no, no, that's not the same thing.
How can you not like pussy? No, it's like they just don't. No, but you have to accept people.
Okay, Bill, let me just say this, okay?

Speaker 1 All right. But that what I'm saying is, is that, yeah, I like pussy, okay? But I've tried dick.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yes. So what I'm saying, I don't like dick.
I didn't mean to say, oh, really? Yeah, yeah. And guess what, Bill? Wait.
Don't like it.

Speaker 1 Oh, you don't. Don't like the dick, but I'll try it.
And that's all I'm asking you. Did you try watching a Car Solo film? Just the fact that you would try it separates you from me by a lot.

Speaker 1 That doesn't mean either one of us is better. You're probably better because you're more adventurous.

Speaker 1 But like, like, like, even just, you know, the idea of just try some dick, that never appealed to me. Okay.
But

Speaker 1 how old were you? And why did you want to try it? Oh, my God. Here we go.
All right, let's go. Well, it's interesting.
Well, I was in middle school. Oh, that young.
Middle school? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 1 I didn't even see that. Eighth grade, maybe eighth grade.
I hadn't even seen a vagina yet. Yeah.
I'd seen it, but through, you know, hustler and stuff, whatever.

Speaker 1 Oh, but anyway, was it what it looked like? Was your first sexual experience gay? Yeah, oh, I see. So, you started gay and then went.

Speaker 1 I'm not gay, no, but you said, I never even started gay, but you said the first sexual experience

Speaker 1 and you know,

Speaker 1 so it was just like a camp thing, yeah.

Speaker 1 And when I say camp, like campy, well, no, anyway, here's okay, I went, I'll just tell you. So, you were away at camp, so I know here's what happened.

Speaker 1 So, as a kid, you know, I had a real violent upbringing, okay,

Speaker 1 anyway. Um,

Speaker 1 what do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? Start weeping?

Speaker 1 I don't really. My dad was like this rage aholic alcoholic, right? So then when I was like 10 or 11, I started drinking and doing drugs at that young.

Speaker 1 He wasn't one of those Japanese soldiers that was in the cave.

Speaker 1 I know. I'm just

Speaker 1 give me some poetic license on the age and joke.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying he wasn't one of the ones in the cave at the end of the war. They didn't tell him the war was over.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know those

Speaker 1 Iojima or whatever. Who?

Speaker 1 Irojima wasn't. Iwo Jima.
Did I just say that? You said Ijo. Iwo Jima.
Iwo Jima. Yes, it was an island, one of the big battles of the Pacific.
Was there a guy in the cave there?

Speaker 1 After the war, they found a number of Japanese soldiers in Iwo Jima and also Guam who they did not know the war had ended. And of course, the Japanese fought to the last man, to say the least.
Sure.

Speaker 1 So, you know, was it a lot of them? No, but I mean, it was quite a bit after the war ended. Well, to answer your question, no, my dad wasn't one of those.
And boy, was that salesman

Speaker 1 upset when he knocked on that gate?

Speaker 1 So anyway, so yeah, my dad wasn't, but he was a rageaholic.

Speaker 1 Then I started using early, right?

Speaker 1 And then... Using dick.
No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 Drinking. Drinking.
Oh, drinking. Yeah, yeah.
Dick wasn't available like just at a store.

Speaker 1 Did they call it using?

Speaker 1 Back then? I think you mean drugs, you mean? Well, I never heard the term

Speaker 1 when we were either the drank or used drugs. I never heard it for liquor.
Anyway. Yeah, I did drugs too.
You know, I did meth early. Meth.
Yeah, yeah. I was like a wild kid.
I sold meth. All right.
So

Speaker 1 that like in seventh, eighth grade, I would go to parties. I would get drunk.
And I don't know, this one guy just goes, hey, just suck. And I just did it.
For drugs? No.

Speaker 1 Like we were behind a bush or something, and I tried it. So you were the sucky? Yeah, I think he sucked mine too a little bit.
I'm not going to do like a one-way, you know, come on.

Speaker 1 Is that what gang guys do? What they switch off like that?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, if I'm getting so like with a woman, you know, I mean, if I'm going on it down on the ground, I don't know why I'm talking about this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, and afterwards, and when I will go, you wanna right, you know, it's a do two-way. I mean, I say right, like something I were, I wouldn't do that.
Let's not talk about that.

Speaker 1 I don't know why we've even got a dick. Oh, yeah, like Kurosawa.
Let's go back to Kurosawa. Was he gay?

Speaker 1 No, no. He's autistic.
That's why you're so mad. I love old Japanese actors.
That's why you're so mad. I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So listen, so you've never seen Carroll and find out what's going on.

Speaker 1 You're right. I was a two-grouse.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 Are they really great? Is that why you got upset? What? The Curricella films. Are they really great?

Speaker 1 I think he was the greatest director of all time. Yeah, that's like Seven Samurai? Seven Samurai, High and Low.
He did Rashimon,

Speaker 1 Hidden Fortress. I mean, the list goes on.
Godzilla? No. No.
Although Godzilla minus one was great. You see it? No, I can't watch any movie where animals get hurt.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right. That's right.
That's right. No, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you have dogs? Yes, of course. How many? Two.

Speaker 1 Cats?

Speaker 1 No, I believe cats only make sense as pets in a world where dogs do not exist. Interesting.

Speaker 1 Other than that. I have three cats.

Speaker 1 Okay, so... Let's go back to you're gay.
I'm not gay. I know, I'm kidding.
No, like, but you first tried the dick. And so that was the little...

Speaker 1 Was that the first and last time you ever did dick? Yeah, man.

Speaker 1 It was the first and last time? Maybe a couple more times.

Speaker 1 Maybe a couple more times.

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Speaker 1 Visit PrizePicks.com for restrictions and details. My point is that I'll try something once.
This is the point. Well, apparently it was more than once.
Yeah. But we'll have to figure out five times.

Speaker 1 Okay, five times.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 that was all before

Speaker 1 I was 16.

Speaker 1 Claim that you're a strapping heterosexual man.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What's your,

Speaker 1 are you currently, have you ever been married? No. No, me neither.
I know.

Speaker 1 No children, right? Not to my knowledge. Him either.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think, you know, I call it the David Spade path.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I look to him and I do what he does pretty much. Well, I think my path is even better than Dave's.
What's yours? Well, he got somebody pregnant and

Speaker 1 had to deal with that.

Speaker 1 I feel like if we're going to name this after anybody, I should get the

Speaker 1 better. And you'd like pull out King or something? I don't know.
What? You pull out good or well? Do I pull out good?

Speaker 1 No, it's not rocket science to prevent pregnancy. Okay, let's move on.

Speaker 1 And I mean, it depends on what, you know, some people are into sex for various reasons. I mean,

Speaker 1 and a lot of it includes like not really the sex itself. Whereas I've always been like, I'm really into it for the sex, just like with the drugs.
Like, my drug of choice is drugs.

Speaker 1 Like, I like drugs. Like, I don't do any heavy drugs anymore.
I'm too old. Yeah.
But I did all along the way. I did whatever my body would tolerate.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 You know, I drank heavy for years, and then my body wouldn't tolerate it, and I throttled back. That's all you can do.
Yeah. You know, your body will tell you what you can take.
Well, I'm sober.

Speaker 1 I mean, did you ever think like, you know, I mean, I do the traditional 12-step group thing. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Yeah, sure. I do.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've read about it. Yeah, you understand what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely. Have you ever thought about taking that path or not? Of course not, because I'm not addicted to things.

Speaker 1 That's not what I'm saying. No, I'm just saying.
I'm just telling you. I'm being honest.
What? Why are you so jumpy about everything? Just talk to me.

Speaker 1 No, I'm just telling you.

Speaker 1 There are people who are addictive personalities. I am not.
I am a situational user. I use it when I want to.

Speaker 1 The only thing I ever got addicted to was fucking cigarettes, which was stupid because it's the worst drug in the world because it didn't do anything for you

Speaker 1 except make you want to do more cigarettes. Cocaine has the same thing, just makes you want to do more.
But at least there were moments on it. I mean, I did finish my novel.
on it.

Speaker 1 I don't think it would have happened without the cocaine. It didn't make me smarter.
It just made me stay at the desk like it was you know it was really great for that

Speaker 1 but you know

Speaker 1 cigarettes just yeah how long did you smoke bro because i i

Speaker 1 smoked for a while and then i just

Speaker 1 went back and it's it's terrible 20 stupid years although it was a bell curve i started with just a few worked up to a pack a day and then the last eight years was always trying to quit so you know but look

Speaker 1 what's done is done yeah hopefully ai will fix that too yeah I'm really counting on AI.

Speaker 1 I found that because when I relapsed the last time I smoked a lot of weed, I felt like it did a lot of damage. Because when you smoke weed and you smoke cigarettes at the same time,

Speaker 1 it's really bad. Well, it's the cigarettes.
I mean, I was just talking to a doctor who said, yeah, it's not health food, but what we see isn't really a lot of cancer from cigarette smoke.

Speaker 1 It's bronchitis and stuff like that.

Speaker 1 So, you know, and I try to be circumspect. I'll tell you what is not a good sign.
I have a little device in my office, and it's to tell you the air quality.

Speaker 1 And it has pictures of two men, but they're human.

Speaker 1 I assume this is for all humans. And one is the air quality inside the house.
One is the air quality outside. And like if they're green, it gives you a number.
Green's good. Air quality good.

Speaker 1 Oh, maybe not so good outside, but it's better inside. And then yellow is, you know, whenever I light up a joint in the office, the fucking head is red

Speaker 1 and it has to look on its face like this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm guessing that's not great.
Yeah, a great sign. Do you mind if I dip? No, please.
Dip. Oh, I haven't seen one of those in ever.

Speaker 1 So now that's chewing tobacco. It's just a pouch.

Speaker 1 A pouch. Yeah, it's a pouch filled with chewing tobacco.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I don't think I've ever seen anybody do that. But then again, I didn't grow up in Kentucky.

Speaker 1 No, that's such a ball player or hick thing to do. I'm so surprised you're doing it.
Yeah, I mean, you're neither.

Speaker 1 I did a movie once, and I can't tell you who did it, but there was an actor that I really admire started doing it, and I'm like, let me try one. And he just, I just, I've been hooked since.

Speaker 1 What does it do for you? It gives you a buzz. It does? Yeah, and I don't need to smoke a cigarette.
What kind of buzz? Like a coffee buzz?

Speaker 1 You know how when you used to wake up in the morning, you had your first cigarette?

Speaker 1 vaguely yeah and you would get a kind of a light buzz it's like that it also calms the nerves i feel so good right now thank you so much for having me oh yeah yes thank you

Speaker 1 i love doing this podcast once a week because it it's a great excuse to fucking get high which i probably would do anyway but you know i get to do it with somebody like you who would love to talk to it's it's and also bill i've i love your show but i just would never be able to do politically and the correct because i just don't know much well Well, that show hasn't been on since 2000.

Speaker 1 I mean, I mean, I've real time with Bill Maher. My bad.
Yeah, Terry.

Speaker 1 You definitely couldn't do politically incorrect. I feel like that was.
Because we're out of time. I'm a Shua Girl right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 She was on Whitney and she didn't know who I was, right? She was here last week. I know, and I found out she didn't know who you were either.
Right. She doesn't know who anybody is.

Speaker 1 But she loves Dylan. It's so weird.

Speaker 1 Bob Dylan. Yeah.
She loves Bob Dylan. She's an incredible Dylan fan.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Blonde Blonde. She loves blonde up blonde.
Like, knows all the bootleg stuff. It's amazing.

Speaker 1 Wow, wow.

Speaker 1 No, she didn't know what he was. I'm going to spit in here.
I'll clean it out later.

Speaker 1 Oh, you got one. Sure.

Speaker 1 All right. I'll clean it out later.
Yeah. Okay.
Do you need? I didn't know. No, this is perfect.
We've rarely gotten the request for a spittoon

Speaker 1 here on the podcast, but in the future, you know what? I have a fucking spittoon. It's really this is great.
No, no, no. I've never

Speaker 1 used this.

Speaker 1 It's,

Speaker 1 You know what it is? Yeah, yeah. It's for champagne.
Yeah, yeah. You fucking spit it.
I can spit it on this? Absolutely. All right, all right.
Doesn't it look good for

Speaker 1 exactly? You don't want to spit in a little thing like that.

Speaker 1 Okay, you're here in your face.

Speaker 1 Get it on your.

Speaker 1 There you go. Yeah, there we go.

Speaker 1 See, this is a

Speaker 1 friendly podcast. Thank you so much.
It's a friendly podcast. We want people to be happy.
Let me ask you something, Bill.

Speaker 1 May I ask you a question?

Speaker 1 No, we're so formal here.

Speaker 1 Bill, so you you know, you know, I'm coming out in a movie. I have a couple scenes of that.
You're coming out? In a movie. I mean, in a movie.
Oh, in a movie. I mean, a fucking movie coming out.

Speaker 1 I thought it was the dick thing. No, no, no, no.
Can we let over the dick thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I hate it. It's not my thing.

Speaker 1 But.

Speaker 1 So you say. No, go ahead.

Speaker 1 No, I'll just fucking. I know.
I love you. So,

Speaker 1 you know, you're doing promo for this movie. And then you kind of think to yourself, it's like, I just feel like, you know, because that was my dream, right?

Speaker 1 As a young guy coming to LA, it's like, I'm going to do movies and TV.

Speaker 1 And you have, you've got, I have done it.

Speaker 1 But then you kind of realize that it's kind of like not relevant anymore almost.

Speaker 1 It's like, I feel like what I'm doing with my two podcasts, you know what I mean, and going on the road, I mean, it just, it's kind of reinvented, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 me and it's it's also easier to do it's up my wheelhouse you know i mean i have muscles for that and i just feel like when i'm promoting other things now it just doesn't seem as relevant or it's almost as like it's it's a dead you know what i mean platform almost i i get i get your feeling on this yeah

Speaker 1 first i have the hawk tua girl now i just got the tua guy so interesting

Speaker 1 this show um i i get i get the feeling of that i think you're i think you're exaggerating i it's not dead i i feel similar about this podcast.

Speaker 1 Like if you had told me 10 years ago, podcast, I'd be like, what the fuck? I've got a show on HBO. Why would I want to do a fucking podcast?

Speaker 1 It became a phenomenon, and it became a venue where I can do something I could never do on political.

Speaker 1 Now you've got me covered.

Speaker 1 On real time. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because we're not going to talk about your dick on real time. It's just, but that's, this is also me

Speaker 1 talking about your dick. We do it often.
And so it is great. And it's just more available to people.
I mean,

Speaker 1 real real-time does great, always has, but it will always be a niche because not that many people know what the fuck is going on.

Speaker 1 So they're just like not going to watch the show. We're speaking in Chinese to them.

Speaker 1 But this, anybody can, this is available to everybody. Yeah, yeah.
Everybody knows about your dick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thank you. It's something everyone can relate to because they've all sucked it.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about the guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, I regret it. But anyway, you know,

Speaker 1 did you ever get close to getting married?

Speaker 1 Well, it's interesting that you asked that because, you know, one of my podcasts, Tiger Belly, you know, I started it with my girlfriend of 10 years. 10 years.

Speaker 1 Then we broke up and we're still doing the podcast together still. Oh, like Sonny and Cheryl.
Like Sonny and Cheryl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's going okay. It's going okay, but it's like

Speaker 1 weird.

Speaker 1 I don't think it's weird. No, I think that people's response to it is weird.
Which is?

Speaker 1 I think they followed the podcast because of the, it was like a sitcom and they were together. And now that we're not, you know what I mean? They want that.

Speaker 1 And if it's not going to happen, then he's going to move on. It's weird.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 people's investment in characters is weird. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, soap stars have talked over the years tales of fans, like if they're on the show, their character in the show has a baby, and then the fans send them baby presents and things.

Speaker 1 It's like, no, I didn't really have a baby, you fucking nut. Yeah.
And that's, it's just, yeah, it is weird.

Speaker 1 And also, people don't understand, people have a problem with, and I don't know if you're like this, but

Speaker 1 with women that I've dated, I don't really have a problem with them if we break up. I mean, in fact, a lot of them are still in my life.

Speaker 1 Exactly. I mean, are you like that or no? Of course.
I mean, I said it on the show recently. I'm going to say it again.
A sex life is like a dog.

Speaker 1 You love it when you first get it. It gives you so much pleasure, but it's not meant to live forever.
And at a certain point, it's going to die.

Speaker 1 And it's going to break your heart.

Speaker 1 But unlike the dog, it's still around.

Speaker 1 And you can have, and the love is not gone.

Speaker 1 So you just have to accept that the one facet does die. Now, people handle different ways.
People stay married, of course, and God bless them. I mean, it's just a different way of handling it.

Speaker 1 and the relationship moves into a kind of more of a friendship or whatever. I've heard lots of married couples talk about, I'll have to ask my roommate, meaning their husband or wife.

Speaker 1 It's sort of like a winking, funny way of saying.

Speaker 1 Maybe there's a little bitterness behind it, like he doesn't fuck me anymore.

Speaker 1 And it's like, if that's the way you want to handle it, I get it. Sometimes people have kids.
You want to, whatever. That's fine.
It's not the way I would handle it.

Speaker 1 And, you know, don't blame me for the way the world is created. I didn't make this thing where people just get bored of each other, especially with the fucking.
Yeah. I didn't make that up.

Speaker 1 I didn't give that to mankind. Yeah.
I'm just dealing with it the only way I think is sanely to deal with it. And you're not going to know how that is.
I'm not going to tell you.

Speaker 1 I do have a formula, but I'm not going to get it. But would you tell me, like, off-camera? Oh, absolutely.
Okay, good. I want to know.
Absolutely. After this, you're going to tell me.
But

Speaker 1 is there a way to keep it alive? Is the question.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 To keep the sex and the sex appear. Well, the problem is that sex is in opposition to security.
And in a way, lust is in opposition to love. Wow.

Speaker 1 Especially in a man's mind, which is sort of fucked up. I mean, over time, you love someone more, but you lust for them less.

Speaker 1 How do you change this balance so the one keeps going up and the other one keeps going down? The women would say, no, the more I love them, the more I want to fuck them sometimes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's more a women's thing because they're deeper and better. What do you want me to say?

Speaker 1 We're different. You know, again, I didn't bequeath this.
This is just what I'm playing the hand that I'm dealt.

Speaker 1 So that's the tension between

Speaker 1 security and excitement. And I think there is a way, but again, you know,

Speaker 1 fuck the public for

Speaker 1 making fun of me all these years. Who I am.
I'm not going to give you my formula. Okay.

Speaker 1 I can't wait. I'm going to know, guys, after the show is going to be great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so, I mean, but we

Speaker 1 love each other. We're like family.
And I don't know when I'm going to end it, but and it's not threesomes, by the way, for those guessing. That does not work.
That never works. It never works.

Speaker 1 It's fun, though. It's a great, it's what you try when you're like, you know, late 20s, 30s.
You just

Speaker 1 have just enough in the world to be dangerous and you think you're going to be James Bond. And, you know, first of all,

Speaker 1 it's just

Speaker 1 one person is always going to be a little jealous.

Speaker 1 And it's just always, it's just never as cool as it should be. Unless, you know, maybe there are some people who can pull it off.
I think they're faking. I think there are women who like

Speaker 1 love the guy and

Speaker 1 trying to make the guy love them so much that they pretend that they love this, but they really don't.

Speaker 1 And I never want anyone, that's rule number one. No one can ever, do not ever fake anything with me

Speaker 1 because it insults my intelligence and makes me very angry.

Speaker 1 I recently faked orgasm. Have you done that?

Speaker 1 No, but I remember Gilbert telling me a joke about that, which bladder, yada, yada, yada, yada ended with, and spit on her back. Okay, I'm not gonna

Speaker 1 go through the whole thing, but I did a whole thing where I was like, it was in the dark and I... I go, uh-uh, uh, I'm gonna go.
And then I pulled away and I went to the other side of the room.

Speaker 1 But why are you... I went to the other side of the room and then I quickly went to the bathroom as if I was squashing some stuff off Why did you feel the need to fake or fake or noise?

Speaker 1 Because I felt like it was never gonna happen.

Speaker 1 I you I I smelled something you what smelled smelled smelled yeah, I smelled something smelled what I don't know what and it made you not want to come I went I don't know what that is.

Speaker 1 I don't like it But what I mean, what was it? Ass? No, it wasn't even abs. It was like curdled blood, maybe.
Curdled blood?

Speaker 1 Who are you fucking? Dracula? What the fuck? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 It smelled like something. Was she having a period? I don't know.
It was in the dark. Why are you in the dark? Well, there was a little dim light, but you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Anyway, I'm like,

Speaker 1 no, but yeah, but I pulled out and it worked. And the acting was great.
I would have won an Oscar now. I went, ah, I did the whole thing.
You know what I mean? The body trembled.

Speaker 1 I did the whole thing. That's interesting because you don't usually hear about men

Speaker 1 faking an orgasm. I mean, they they make sex robots now that i that are they say are so realistic that they can fake an orgasm just like a real woman

Speaker 1 well uh have you have you ever thought about doing that a sex robot oh a sex robot no

Speaker 1 no i think that i would like to try i would try it once i would try it once but

Speaker 1 let's go but can we go back to so yeah you don't think that

Speaker 1 you don't think that the television movies are dead right it's just no i don't think they're dead they're certainly not dead.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you, I can prove it with money, which is the bottom line for everything.

Speaker 1 Even

Speaker 1 commercial broadcast TV, which you'd think is the most anachronistic, and it is, like, still people sitting there waiting through commercials for fucking headache medicine and fucking beans. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They every year have the upfronts in the spring

Speaker 1 where the networks sell their shitty shows to advertisers

Speaker 1 and they kick in like nine billion dollars that's not dead that's not dead it's not what it used to be yeah but there's still a lot of people watching Tim Allen that's true I mean I've gotten a lot because I used to do I did like 15 episodes of magnum TI

Speaker 1 Wow yeah the one in Hawaii of course yeah yeah the new one

Speaker 1 I say of course for us your agent yeah yeah but what I'm saying about television and movies Bill

Speaker 1 is that do you you remember a day when they would say they would say Bill is my dad?

Speaker 1 Call me this guy. Call me Mr.
Barn. Yeah, yeah.
When they said, when you did like Carson, right, as a stand-up. Yeah.
And then you were an overnight, you know what I mean, household name.

Speaker 1 No, I wasn't. That's so wrong.
I know, but you know, but it would do, it would do, it would do way more than it did if you did a late night experience now. Can I disabuse you? Oh, my God.
What?

Speaker 1 I mean, you have to admit.

Speaker 1 Let me just finish.

Speaker 1 Okay, I'm calm. this is how i talk but okay this is about something i actually know okay firsthand okay i want to listen so there's no reason to argue okay

Speaker 1 because i lived it okay let's go like i always say to people you can argue with me about anything except me okay go ahead i know me like that's why i would never go to a psychiatrist like really

Speaker 1 I've been living with me all these years and you just met me and you're okay. I lived it.
I did 30 tonight shows.

Speaker 1 Was not anything close to a household name. It just wasn't like that.
That was the 80s. That era that you're talking about was more like the 60s, maybe the 70s.

Speaker 1 David Brenner was maybe the last guy who became a household name just from stand-up on late night shows.

Speaker 1 Then that went away, and you had to have the sitcom. And even after that, Roseanne, Freddie Prince, Robin Williams, all got sitcoms from the late night shows.

Speaker 1 But the the late night show itself did not make you a star. There you go.
May I ask you something? Yes, please. Right.
But it still puts you on the map when it comes to maybe

Speaker 1 Hollywood. You were legitimized.
Right. You could do.

Speaker 1 When I did Jay Leno in the year 2000,

Speaker 1 no one called me the next day, not even my parents. That's my point.

Speaker 1 It had a bigger bite to it if you did it with Carson in the 80s. Yes, yes.
Okay. But

Speaker 1 still not a star maker. Sure.
But I think that the same thing has happened to maybe television and film. It just doesn't have the same impact.
Well, certainly where you're talking about.

Speaker 1 The comic who comes on at the end of the late night talk show. Yeah.
That is nothing. What came along and blew everything out of the water was the Netflix special.

Speaker 1 That made legitimate comic stars. Yeah, Ali Wong and aka yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You made me one.

Speaker 1 James Gillis's?

Speaker 1 Sebastian Maniscalo. Maniscalo, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But there's plenty, there's a number of them.

Speaker 1 Chris DiStefano. Chris DeStefano, yeah.
Stand was here. Same thing.
Like, you do a Netflix special. A lot of people see it.

Speaker 1 A lot of people see it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I want to ask you another question.

Speaker 1 Are you,

Speaker 1 and don't get angry. I'm not.
And I'm never angry. And I'm so calm right now, Doug.

Speaker 1 Look at me right now. I'm so nominated, dude.
I'm not combative at all. It's disbitting.
It helps you.

Speaker 1 Would you do club spots again or no? Club spots. Like when I'm at the, like, tonight I have two shows at the improv.
Oh, God.

Speaker 1 You would never do that again? No, I'm on the road all the time, but I do the theaters in the cities. No, I know.
I know. You're a big draw there.
No, I'm not a giant draw.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't want, I'm stopping at the end of this year.

Speaker 1 I'll make up entirely. Yeah, I may go back to it, but certainly in 2025, I will not be on the road.
I just want to see, I've not done that in 40 years. I want to see what it's like.
Wow.

Speaker 1 But one reason is like, I'm just better than ever, and I sell half the tickets of guys who I don't think are half as good as me. Wow.

Speaker 1 And it's just, it's just, that's not why I'm quitting, but it's like.

Speaker 1 You know, and I understand there's certain reasons for that. I'm sort of like Typecast is a political comic, even though everyone can enjoy my show and laugh at it.
And a lot of it is not political.

Speaker 1 But I get it. And when you're 70 almost, a lot of people people just want to see people their generation.
I get it. And they just think, oh, it's going to be too smart for me or something.

Speaker 1 And for some people, that's true, but you have to be a pretty big idiot for my show to be too. Anyway,

Speaker 1 yeah, it'll be an interesting change. And I think,

Speaker 1 especially when you get into the years I'm in, it's important to like, like.

Speaker 1 Keep putting yourself out of your comfort station,

Speaker 1 try out new things

Speaker 1 or stop doing things. See, you know, you can always.
So here's my fear right now. I'm having a really difficult time trying new stuff because,

Speaker 1 you know, a lot of times now when I perform, you know, they're pretty much all there to see me. They're generally always packed.
And I'm feeling like this pressure to kill. Right.

Speaker 1 And so, and I'm, and now I'm like, oh,

Speaker 1 I didn't try that because it's a longer pin and I don't want to eat it.

Speaker 1 I get it. So how do you still push through?

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, all, I never go to the clubs anymore. I do try out new stuff, but I do it in my regular shows.
And after doing it 40 years,

Speaker 1 I'm almost never wrong. I don't remember the last time I tried out a new bit and it just got nothing.
It's like, I've just been doing it too long. I can tell if it's going to work or not.

Speaker 1 Now, do I keep everything in the act after one or two times? No, because, but it didn't die. It just didn't get as great as it, as you know.

Speaker 1 It's like, okay, they like it. They don't love it.
Goodbye. But I'm only going to put what they love.
But it doesn't like upset the show. It doesn't look weird in the show.

Speaker 1 It just looks like a joke that wasn't a 10. It was a five.
And it's fine.

Speaker 1 But like, when was the last, I did something. Oh, I did a whole thing about being

Speaker 1 about to be 69. A whole routine, which I had never done before.
I did it this weekend in Boston and then Connecticut. It killed.

Speaker 1 I just knew it would. Yeah.
You know, it was the first time you tried it. Ever.
Wow.

Speaker 1 It's, you know, 40 years. Yeah.
It's a long time, dude. Yeah, I gotta, I gotta, I think I have, I'm stuck and I gotta figure it out because it's like,

Speaker 1 like tonight, like, I know I'm gonna kill. No, you haven't figured out.
You, you've analyzed exactly what it is, and I get it. You don't want to disappoint your fans.
Yes.

Speaker 1 When I go up on stage, I mean, as, and again, going on for a long time, if you asked me, what mostly do I want to be tonight? I would say their hero. Yes.
I want to be their hero.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, they don't want to see the hero like fumfering and doing things that may not, you know, work. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, well, first of all, you know, if you do a set of, I don't know, how long are you doing? A half hour? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 If you do a half hour, three bits, if you do one every 10 minutes and it doesn't work, you're fine. Right.
You're fine. I'm fine.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's what you have to. You just have to be disciplined about it and just slip it in.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's it. I'm slipping in.
And tonight. Or you could use the method that a lot of comics we did.
I did it. Lots of comics did it in their first five years, maybe even more.

Speaker 1 Strong openings,

Speaker 1 strong ending, and put the shit out of the middle of the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you have plenty of great shit. I mean, I'm sure you do a killer half hour.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so just, you know, they, they probably, they judge you so much more just by how you end.

Speaker 1 It's amazing. It's funny because I feel like my growth spurt in comedy was,

Speaker 1 I could see it, it was higher when early on earlier on in my career, when I had, I just, you know, I mean, there was no name to me. And so I could just experiment.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And I'll try this and that. And as I get older and the more famous I become, it just be, I just get bogged down with like, you know, I mean, what people expect.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And it's just like, I just feel like it, I'm at a point where it's like, I either have to change or I have to get out because it's driving me crazy. Wow.
That's heavy. It's pretty heavy.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like I can't even, like, I'm on stage killing and I don't even want to be up there anymore. You know, like, you know what I mean? And it's not why I did comedy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I'm stuck.
I mean, it's, it's crazy. It's funny.
Um, I only do two days in a row ever. Like, I do Friday and, or usually not Friday, because I take real time on Friday.

Speaker 1 Saturday morning, goes to a place like went to Boston this past weekend, did the show Saturday. Wilburg Theater? No, the Fenway Park.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 I had a bucket list night. I've always wanted to see Fenway Park of all the baseball studies.

Speaker 1 And the MGM Theater is connected to. We just played it.
Oh, Fenway Way. Yeah, it's a great theater.
So yeah.

Speaker 1 I used to be a minority owner of the New York Mets. So I have connections among the owners in baseball.
And I said, I'm going to be at Fenway.

Speaker 1 So they were super nice. Let me, I said,

Speaker 1 my show is going on mostly when the game is going on. But it was the Yankees.

Speaker 1 I got there. went to the owner's box.
They had me in super nice, John Henry and Tom Warner. Yeah.
And they

Speaker 1 I saw the first inning, went, did my show, ran back over, and saw the end of a super exciting 9-7 game

Speaker 1 where

Speaker 1 they were behind, they tied it up. And of course, Fenway was going nuts.
And I don't give a shit about the fucking Yankees. I'm a Nuts guy.
So, I mean, I was thrilled for the fans. It was amazing.

Speaker 1 But anyway, the point is, I was, so I fly to the first city, do the second city, and then fly home. And so I'm only ever gone over one night because I'm just a real baby about being on the road.

Speaker 1 But it's amazing. Even just those two nights, the first night, I'm frustrated because I haven't done my act probably in two weeks.
I'm not on the road every weekend.

Speaker 1 So it's not quite in my head enough. So like some things I'm not hitting as great as I could if it was like really fresh in my mind.
So I'm like, oh, I got about 80% out of that joke. And I feel bad.

Speaker 1 They laugh, but I I know that it could have been better. Right.
The second night, because I just did it the night before, I'm a little bored with it.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Yeah. Wow.
Some things it's like, no, oh, yeah, I remember exactly how to do that. So I'm just, I feel like a hack.
If I go, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, they laugh a lot.

Speaker 1 And if I go, da, da, da, da, da, da, they don't. You know, it's like, that's stupid, but yeah.
I mean, you know, you get into ruts of how you say a joke sometimes

Speaker 1 because it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you haven't probably have dealt with hecklers in a long time then.

Speaker 1 Not hecklers. I wouldn't define them as that because hecklers are antagonistic.

Speaker 1 I get lots of people who are just too enthusiastic and they think they're helping or they just want to say something or, you know, and they just, they don't get it that, you know,

Speaker 1 comedy's timing and the fact that you just yelled out when you did.

Speaker 1 You deprived the entire audience here, like a few thousand people of that punchline. And there's no no going back.
There's no going back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You cannot go back.

Speaker 1 So they were about to have this. I mean, this is what they're paying for, to have their gut exercised by laughter.
And you took that one away from you.

Speaker 1 You took that one. I get so mad when they do that, though.
Especially it's one of your favorite jokes. Right.

Speaker 1 But again, it's probably the same thing because they like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. You know, but just still, there's a little bit of a music.

Speaker 1 It's terrible. And then you have to like yell at them.
And it's like, I said it the other night. I said, I just hate it when my own fans are assholes

Speaker 1 because they did it again. Yeah.
Like they did it twice. I was like, I just told you you deprived these people and you did it again.

Speaker 1 You're my fan and you're an asshole. That's so hard for me to

Speaker 1 compute.

Speaker 1 It just bugs me. When's the last time you did a weekend at a club? Probably thousands of years ago.
A club? Yeah, hundreds of hundreds of years ago.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It certainly wasn't in this century.

Speaker 1 What? It wasn't. I know.
I mean, politically incorrect went on in 93. Yeah, yeah.
So I was doing, I certainly was doing theaters by the end of the century. Wow.
But

Speaker 1 what? I mean, because

Speaker 1 you forgot what it was like Friday night's second show at a club. I haven't forgotten at all.

Speaker 1 I can be

Speaker 1 a billion years old. I couldn't forget that.

Speaker 1 Of course. I did it so many times.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did three shows. Wow.
There were three shows when comedy was really peaking in the 80s. It was like the thing.
They could sell three shows.

Speaker 1 A Saturday night, you could probably sell five, but of course. So there was 7.30, 9.30, and 11.30.
Now, I hated doing two. Three.
I mean, you don't even know what you're saying after the.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And of course, you have to do the show in exact order because the last thing you want to do.
Repeat jokes. Right.

Speaker 1 This is the greatest fear I ever had. I did it once in my whole life.
Yeah. Yeah.
Once. Yeah.
And it was enough. I hated.
I didn't want to have it happen even then, but it did.

Speaker 1 And if people don't know what we're talking about, like in the second show, you're not aware sometimes if you don't do it in exact order of what you said in which show.

Speaker 1 So you say the joke you already said in this show, thinking

Speaker 1 you hadn't said it. Oh my God.
And of course, the people just look at you like you fucking fraud.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You fucking fraud.
I had an Oprah at Phoenix Live, and she was new at comedy, and she was on stage. And, you know, you're in the green room, you see the screen, and you're watching her.

Speaker 1 And she poses?

Speaker 1 A local MC that they hired, right? I forgot her name. And she

Speaker 1 said, she was going into the same joke the second time. Halfway during the joke, she goes, have I said this joke already? And the whole audience goes, yeah.
And then she burst into tears on stage.

Speaker 1 I wanted to.

Speaker 1 I know. I remember the date it happened and where it was.
No, you remember it. Yeah, Yeah, it was searing.
It was just horrible.

Speaker 1 I don't remember the joke, but I remember it was December 8th, 1983 in Sacramento. Wow.
Yeah. Wow, you remember.
I do. It was just, it just seared in my mind.
So three shows.

Speaker 1 I mean, you just, and by the way, even when you do that.

Speaker 1 You're trepidatious when you get to the, for some reason, the end of your show, because that's the last thing you said in the last show was that last routine.

Speaker 1 And half of your mind is telling you, you, fuck, I think I said this in this show. And the other half of your mind is going, no, no, I know it seems that way, but you didn't.
Just stick to it.

Speaker 1 So you can't really concentrate on making it great performance. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're just like sticking your toe in the water. Did I say this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It's horrible.
So I haven't done two shows. in this again in this century i i will will there is no amount of money that could get me to do two shows wow wow you're so lucky.

Speaker 1 Yeah, have you ever had? Because I've had,

Speaker 1 I mean, I've been booed off the stage before. Have you ever arrived out? Oh, I opened for Rock Acts and had things thrown at me.
Wow. I mean, they're booing when you walk out.

Speaker 1 They don't want to see you.

Speaker 1 They want to see the band. Yeah.
So the worst is like, you know, I've been doing these shows called The Great Outdoors in Canada. And it's all, it's during the day.

Speaker 1 It's thousands of people, but they're out on picnic benches eating, you know.

Speaker 1 And it's hard, man. Yeah.
You know what I mean? It's like to get

Speaker 1 at the laugh, because it's outside, so the laughs dissipate.

Speaker 1 First of all, outside.

Speaker 1 Nightmare. I tap out already.
I mean,

Speaker 1 outside is just horrible. Nightmare.
And I've done it even recently.

Speaker 1 The last show I did in Hawaii, I did Hawaii for 12 years on a

Speaker 1 New Year's show. And the last year, for some reason, they changed the venue in Honolulu and it was outside.
I couldn't do anything about it. Did you look at the Hawaii theater?

Speaker 1 Maybe. I don't remember.
I don't remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We did used to do one show in Maui, and that was on the 30th, and then on the 31st, it was always Honolulu. Yeah.
It was magical, that 12-year run.

Speaker 1 But the last year, it was one of the reasons I was like, okay, I'm out. This is.
You can't do it. Well, you know, I mean, everything comes to an end.

Speaker 1 But outside, it just, well, I just hate it outside.

Speaker 1 It's a nightmare. Well, people have to know

Speaker 1 the acoustics are so important for comedy. When you're in a rat scaler, when you're in a closed

Speaker 1 environment with hard wood or this kind of thing,

Speaker 1 it's great because the laughs bounce off and it sounds awesome. And if you're outside, the laughs just go up into the atmosphere.

Speaker 1 Even a Vegas showroom, very often the ceilings are high the furniture is plush it's terrible for comedy yeah yeah and then it's like you think you're bombing yeah yeah yeah and you're not right you're not Seguro told me because I just did it with Winnipeg with Tom Suguro last Friday and he said because I was like dude I hate outside he's like just play to one table

Speaker 1 So I just looked at one table that really liked me. Wow.
You know what I mean? And I kept looking at them and like referring to them, you know what I mean? And it seemed to help, man.

Speaker 1 But it was like, you know, because sometimes i do i would i did a show once outside where in two minutes i got booed off a stage it was it wasn't a rock it was a comedy show leslie jones why didn't they like you right away because it was more it wasn't my audience it was more i don't even know how to say this it was more white people

Speaker 1 more black people more black people white people black people yeah more black people it was more black people and um leslie jones black people don't like you no they love me i love black people but leslie jones had hopped off the stage kind of dry humped this white guy in the you know it destroyed and i was back there and i was like oh

Speaker 1 this is gonna be tough right right and as soon as i went up there it just they just didn't like as soon as i opened my mouth and i drowned i did two three minutes i got off stage i was gonna do 20 minutes It was so, I burst into tears about it.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 audiences can just be

Speaker 1 like, it's almost like the way a mob becomes something different different than the individual does something worse because they don't feel collect, they feel no individual responsibility for it.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've certainly seen it in the Catskills with Jewish audiences. You used to play the Catskills?

Speaker 1 Well, we all did. When we first came up,

Speaker 1 there was something called the Raleigh Showcase. Wow.
I did it. Seinfeld did it.
We all did it. It was at one in the morning.
That was horrible.

Speaker 1 But I played New Year's Day, I think New Year's night, New Year's night, not New Year's Eve, at Grossinger's, which was the archetypal Cat Skills in 1984.

Speaker 1 I opened for, I was 28, I opened for Roberta Flack, who at the time was one of the biggest recording stars.

Speaker 1 The first time I ever I Saw Your Face was a huge hit.

Speaker 1 And what's the other one? Killing Me Softly. Isn't that Roberta Flack? I mean, those are classics.

Speaker 1 So, okay, okay,

Speaker 1 the show is 20 minutes late. The audience, 20 minutes, which is not a really long time, but again, this is the Catskills, Jewish audience, very demanding.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Mrs. Grossinger Eddis, the matron of the hotel, walks out and is booed unmercifully because the show is 20 minutes late.
Yeah, yeah. I go out.
I'm the opening chimp. Wow.
Okay, so I do okay. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I remember.

Speaker 1 Are you nervous or no? Yeah, I'm 28. It's like I did three Carsons or whatever, and I was, you know, this is,

Speaker 1 look, I'm working grossing years. To me, this was like big.
Yeah. This is not the clubs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not in the clubs anymore.

Speaker 1 I'm, you know, doing, I'm opening for somebody, but it's still, that's what I, that was the next step on the ladder. That was big.
I mean, Roberta Flack was huge.

Speaker 1 I'm working with a huge star. That's not working with, you know, you know, Peter Schmong

Speaker 1 at the comedy barrel. Okay, so

Speaker 1 I I do okay. Roberta Flack walks out there, and before she is finished with the first song, half the audience gets up and leaves.
Wow. They're just like, this is not for us.

Speaker 1 This is not our kind of music. Did she open with Killing Me Softly? I don't remember.
I don't think it matters. Open with that.
I think it didn't matter. This is 1984.

Speaker 1 We're talking about elderly Jews.

Speaker 1 We're talking about, and I'm not saying that they were racist, but it just wasn't their thing.

Speaker 1 But instead of being polite and at least waiting, you know, for the show to, I don't know, half,

Speaker 1 not even the first song, just like, no.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying audiences of all stripes,

Speaker 1 all ethnicities,

Speaker 1 they can all be just horrible. Their view collectively is like, you're there for us.
And if you're not doing the job, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 You know, we're paying you or whatever it is whatever their rationalization is they're not there for your was she visibly upset i don't remember that i guess she went on with her show i'm sure she got paid yeah yeah i do i don't remember what happened after i think i was gone by then um i don't know i i i do remember being

Speaker 1 brought into the prayer circle with the Roberta Flack band and her before the show. They was like, we're doing that.
And I'm like, what? Okay. All right.
Sure.

Speaker 1 okay, sure, whatever, you know,

Speaker 1 I mean, you know, bring atheist me into the prayer circle, sure, I'm, I'm down, whatever. I mean, I acquitted myself that night, but she, that was, um,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 So I'm just saying, I don't know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 I'm saying if you, if it doesn't feel right to keep doing stand-up, yeah, I'd be the last one to tell you to keep doing it because I'm also not doing it after this year.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, I'm going to keep doing it. I just have to

Speaker 1 figure it out because, you know, I got to take some risks here because it's either that or i'm out you know what i mean

Speaker 1 because can't you aren't there places you can go where they don't where it's specifically for the experimental what's that place on um typewriter no largo largo yeah yeah yeah isn't that something like that yeah i mean that's a little too alternative for me too alternative yeah yeah right you know i you know i don't know if you

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't, did you guys back have back like club comics and alternative comics back in the day?

Speaker 1 I mean, alternative to me sounds like a fancy way of saying not that funny,

Speaker 1 but I could be wrong. No, there's so many funny alternative comics.
I mean,

Speaker 1 how do you define alternative? I mean, to me, it's such a pretentious term. Like, oh, I'm alternative.
Like, are they laughing or are they not?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think it's the approach of, like, in terms of like,

Speaker 1 you know, I rely on switches and getting a laugh every 15 seconds and those kind of things. Let me put it this way.
If you're getting laughs, it can't be that alternative. Right.

Speaker 1 Because the alternative. It's a label.

Speaker 1 But I'd like to show me an alternative joke versus a real one or an old school one.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I can't really. Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, the audience isn't that him.
If you're making them laugh, it's not really alternative.

Speaker 1 It's just, it's just working or it's not. I don't, I, I, I think there are many ways to do it.
I think it's, I think, um, I want to say this. Um,

Speaker 1 their jokes are smarter.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess. And, you know what I mean? And it's more Ivy League and it's more like, they're more of a club.
There's that club. And I'm more, you know.
Well,

Speaker 1 I sure don't think of Ivy League as smarter. Okay.
I think of there,

Speaker 1 these are the assholes, and I went to an Ivy League college

Speaker 1 who are protesting for Hamas. Yeah.
They're morons. They're ahysterical America.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 1 ahistorical

Speaker 1 America-hating hysterics. Yeah.
That's who they are. They're not smart.
Yeah. I mean, I've always been about like just meat and potatoes.
I talk about sex. I don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 You're funny.

Speaker 1 You're a funny comedian.

Speaker 1 Don't apologize. But you have to admit, though, that there is a section of comedy.
They're a little bit more arrogant. They look down on you.
And it's like. Are they the most successful?

Speaker 1 Some of them are very successful. Like who? Who's alternate? I can't nail it on your name because I want to start a war.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 My whole career has been me starting wars. I'm not starting any more wars.
And I'm not doing Largo.

Speaker 1 I don't need to.

Speaker 1 I get paid when I do it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, what I've been doing is doing Bobby Lee New Joke Night.
I'll do it. You know what?

Speaker 1 I do the most, if you really want to talk about what's alternative, I do the most alternative comedy out there by my definition.

Speaker 1 And I think some people would agree with me, because I do a show that, yes, has a lot of political stuff in it. Certainly, most of it is about stuff that are issues and not just trivia.

Speaker 1 I do a lot of personal stuff at the end, stuff about sex sex that isn't political at all, but a lot of it, and I play to a ideologically mixed audience.

Speaker 1 In other words, it's not just a bunch of fucking liberals.

Speaker 1 There are conservatives in the audience, and I go after both sides. I let them know for sure that I think the right is much more dangerous, but I don't hold my tongue for the left.
That's alternative.

Speaker 1 I don't think a lot of people are doing that. Yeah, they're not working.
Could. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's well received by a lot of people who like really feel the same way.

Speaker 1 Like, we're just the normies in the middle. We're tired of the assholes on both sides of the extremes.
That's, to me, the most alternative kind of comedy you could do.

Speaker 1 Now, that sounds self-aggrandizing, but you know, prove me wrong.

Speaker 1 I'm glad you said that because there is like politically, I mean, I have my views that I don't express. And I think there's just such fear there too, that it's like, I'm so afraid to say anything

Speaker 1 because of just the trolls. It's not your thing.
Don't. You're great at your thing.
I know. But I do have opinions.
Yeah. I have opinions about things I don't express.
Oh, you do? No, not really.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. So do you have stuff? No, no, I do.
Are you locking a fucking box? No, just the thing about the sex and the

Speaker 1 thing. Yeah, that you'll tell me later.

Speaker 1 Just a secret. Just between us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what is the greatest?

Speaker 1 What movie should I start with? The Seven Samurai?

Speaker 1 No, really. Would you ever see The Magnificent Seven? Yes, of course.
Well, that was based on 7 Samurai. That I know.
Right. So, I mean, let me start with that.

Speaker 1 The original or the Magnificent 7? Magnificent 7. Really? Yeah, you're not a Star Wars fan.
Hate it. I know you do.

Speaker 1 I've heard you say it. Yeah.
Why?

Speaker 1 Why not? I mean, you know why? Because I'm an alternative movie watcher.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just not my thing.
And, you know, if you saw R2 D2 walk in here, you'd be offended? Not offended. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There he is right There he is right there. See?

Speaker 1 Isn't that Archie?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, that's a space reader. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I just, look,

Speaker 1 to the credit of George Lucas and the people who work on that movie,

Speaker 1 I always give props to success. Obviously, it is successful beyond almost anyone's ability to compete.

Speaker 1 So good for you.

Speaker 1 But in 1977, when that movie came out, what were you fucking doing?

Speaker 1 You were like, fuck Star Wars?

Speaker 1 I still am not fucked Star Wars. I'm just like, just leave me alone.
And I'm not interested in it. But you never saw it.

Speaker 1 I tried.

Speaker 1 You saw the first 15 minutes. I'm getting more too aggressive again.
Like, you said the first 15 minutes. Like, look, I love to try things, not dick sucking.
Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 But, I mean, you know, within reason. Yeah, yeah.
I do. I will try anything.
Any music, any, and I will, I am absolutely putting on my list now.

Speaker 1 I've got to see Kurosawa, and I want to to see the original.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I tried a couple of times. I found it to be

Speaker 1 just wooden and obvious and not sophisticated.

Speaker 1 And it just wasn't for me.

Speaker 1 I found nothing

Speaker 1 to recommend it. And then in later years, like when they made sequels,

Speaker 1 I sometimes would be in the kitchen where I watched some of my TV while I'm making food. And there was some Star Wars stuff.
Oh, I see it. Okay, let me let me try that.
Maybe I was wrong.

Speaker 1 No, just same

Speaker 1 reaction. Like, what is this? You know, they're in the desert and there's lots of billowy

Speaker 1 flowing clothes and they're just having this dialogue. This is not interesting.

Speaker 1 Like an everyday. It just did not.
Yeah. You know, something.
So if I say, if I asked you, you knew who Legolas is, would you know who that is? No, never heard of that. You never heard of Legolas?

Speaker 1 No, but to the credit of Star Wars, and again, it's

Speaker 1 success. I know that.
Oh, I wouldn't watch that either. I know you're R2 T2.
I know that.

Speaker 1 What does R2T2 look like?

Speaker 1 I don't know, but

Speaker 1 what does he look like? I don't know.

Speaker 1 But I know his sexual harassment lawyer. Yeah.

Speaker 1 RD Me Too.

Speaker 1 That's a good one. That's Clip Pat.
Uh, really funny. Clip that.

Speaker 1 No, but

Speaker 1 I know that there's the Star Wars bar. Yeah, yeah.
And I know Jabba Walkie, no. Jabba Walkie, I know.
Something like that.

Speaker 1 Jabba the Hut. Jabba the Hut, yeah.

Speaker 1 I know that. I mean, when things get into my conscious, by the way, I have a term for that, mind rape, is when something gets in my mind that I didn't ask for.
Right. That's mind rape.

Speaker 1 I mean, they are so successful. They have mind raped me about what's it? I know who Princess Leia is, or I know that she's the character.
And I know Han Solo. Yes.

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 Very good.

Speaker 1 It's working. Wait.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I don't really, but I don't follow them or care about it.

Speaker 1 You never saw any Lord of the Rings movie? No. That's also for you.
You like fantasy. I do not.
Yeah. I mean, what do you watch then?

Speaker 1 Right. Ken Burns documentaries all day.
I mean,

Speaker 1 like, really, really? There's nothing between Ken Burns and Lord of the Rings? Yeah, yeah. No, this.

Speaker 1 What does Bill Moore watch? I'm curious. Oh, a million things.
I mean, you know, generally, first of all, I have TVs in four different rooms. So it really depends on what room I'm in.

Speaker 1 Like, in bed, I watch stuff that I really just watch. I'm not doing anything else.

Speaker 1 But I have TVs in my office, in the bathroom, and in the kitchen. And in those places, I'm doing something else.
Like I'm in the bathtub, I'm making food. I'm in my office, unpacking my briefcase.

Speaker 1 It doesn't have to be like in those rooms. I usually watch

Speaker 1 boring.

Speaker 1 I watch movies

Speaker 1 that I hadn't seen in years. I'm like, oh, yeah, I like this one.
I recently watched one I had seen years ago, and I remember not liking it too much. It was called The Box.

Speaker 1 Just for example. Okay.
Okay. It was with Cameron Diaz

Speaker 1 and James Marston. I like them.

Speaker 1 I think it's a horror movie. It's certainly a horrible movie.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would kill myself if I had to watch it just sitting in bed, but it's just, it's sort of like I was in the kitchen.
I was like, oh, yeah, I remember this.

Speaker 1 It's about this this couple and they get a box from an unknown person and it says, if you push this button, you'll become rich. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 But you'll kill this anonymous person somewhere else. Right.
And I just thought, oh, yeah, I remember that part of it. It couldn't have been that bad after that.
It was.

Speaker 1 I was right all those years ago. It was just.
So if I called you, Bill, and I go, hey, Bill, what's up? It's me, Bob.

Speaker 1 Right? And I go, hey, let's go watch Long Legs. Would you go to a movie theater and watch Long Legs? What's Long Legs? It's a horror movie that just came out with Nick H.

Speaker 1 No, I don't watch horror movies. Okay.
Any movie. Is there any movie that I could call you and go, what's up, Bill? You want to check out Avengers?

Speaker 1 Not Avengers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't watch movies for children. Okay, I'm an adult.
But when's the last time, Bill? I went to a movie? A movie theater. In the theater? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think the last movie I went to was Bridge of Spies. Oh.
Tom Hanks. Yeah.
And Steven Spielberg directed an adult movie about something, but also that was very entertaining.

Speaker 1 That's when I plug a movie that I'm in. Please, you're here to absolutely.
Oh, I have two podcasts. Yes, we know that.
Iron Belly, Bad Friends. Check that out.
They're very, very successful.

Speaker 1 And then I'm in a movie called Borderlands coming out August 9th. Borderlands.
Yes. You know, this is between North and South Korea.

Speaker 1 No, I play Kim Jong-un.

Speaker 1 And Il. It's an there's flashbacks.
No, I um, no, it's a, it's a, like a side. You know, you all might, you're not gonna see it.
It's based on a video game called Borderlands.

Speaker 1 And it's got, why are you leaning? Why not? Okay, good. It's your show.

Speaker 1 It's a little aggressive, but it's your show.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Anyway, um, it's got me, Kevin Hart,

Speaker 1 Jack Black, wow, Kate Blanchett. That's a lot of Jamie Lee Curtis.
That's a lot of funny people. Kate Blanchett is a riot.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Kate Blanchett, that's that's an I love her.

Speaker 1 It's a lister nice person a lister yeah a lister and we shot it during who else did you say after her what hey kate blanchett and who jamie lee curtis jamie lee curtis sweetheart and their a lister yeah a lister and um

Speaker 1 it's based on a video game and it comes out in a couple of weeks i think well i mean any watch it but that i'm in it i have two scenes

Speaker 1 you know once you say based on a video game you've got me hooked Oh my god, Bill, seriously. I mean, you don't play Warzone? I've never played a video game.
I never even...

Speaker 1 Dude, Bill Maher playing Warzone. You'd be so good, I think.

Speaker 1 Warzone. Yeah.
Why do I want to be in a Warzone? It's great. So what you do.
Yeah. Just hear me out.
I'm listening. All right.
So get an Xbox. No.
Yes. I'll buy it for you.
Okay.

Speaker 1 If I sent you an Xbox, would you play Warzone? No. Please.
We'll play with yours one day. That's not how it works.
Just play with it.

Speaker 1 You play from your house and I'll link up from my house and we'll talk on the thing. Just Just hear me out.
Can you just hear me out? I'm hearing. Correct.
And just because I know.

Speaker 1 You're a soldier. You'll be a soldier.
You and I will be dropped into like, you know what I mean, a country or a piece of land and we fight against other people. It's happening in real time.

Speaker 1 And we get to converse back and forth, like, Bill, get on the hill. Snipe, snipe.
You know? It sounds awful. It's so fun.
It sounds awful and unhealthy.

Speaker 1 I mean, why do I want to be sniping people in my fantasies? That's sick. Yeah.
Okay. Like, I don't don't want to be in a war zone.
Okay, well, then let's play Stardew Valley. What's that?

Speaker 1 Can I picture to you? Sure. All right.

Speaker 1 So we're farmers. We're farmers.
Oh, yeah. Okay, we're farmers.
Okay. And I'm planting.
So, you know, there's four seasons where you have spring, summer, fall, and winter.

Speaker 1 And you can only plant certain things in certain areas, but you can visit my farm. We can also get married.
I know we don't have to suck each other's dicks, but like, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I knew it was always going to come back.

Speaker 1 i knew it was always gonna come back to that yeah you don't have to do that there's no mechanism that you can do that i'm just saying that we can be married and have kids in the game so we have a farmhouse let me just

Speaker 1 two men we can have kids yeah we can adopt them oh that's right men can get pregnant yeah

Speaker 1 i forgot yeah yeah of course uh so anyway we start a farm right and then um i mean there's adventures as soon we can go to the we can go to the mines and mine for like copper and stuff like that to build stuff.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think I'd rather be a sniper than

Speaker 1 yeah. Okay, I live in reality.
I like my reality, and I'm going to stay. Have you ever heard of escapism?

Speaker 1 Yeah, there is escapism. How about this then, Bill? Check it out.

Speaker 1 We'll go to an escape room. Would you do that with me? What happens there? We're in a room, and there's puzzles we have to solve to get out of the room.
It's a real place that we go.

Speaker 1 I do crossword puzzles.

Speaker 1 i know but that's not the same man oh i know okay it's what i like okay like you haven't bro you haven't even tried any of these things how do you know you're not gonna like it you made a decision before you've even tried yeah you're right i mean that's kind of true if i send an xbox will he get it yeah it's like don't talk to the wall okay sorry um it's like it's like um you know asking me if i want to like chew something and spit in a bucket sometimes you just know you don't you

Speaker 1 Okay. See, the difference between our generations.

Speaker 1 I never liked empanadas. Our generations is showing.

Speaker 1 These are like things of your generation that you understand. What are you talking about? It is.

Speaker 1 I'm 52 years old. I understand.
That's a different generation. You're 16 years different.

Speaker 1 You're into video games and that kind of stuff. They're alien to me.
Another indication of our different generations is this.

Speaker 1 When you get a little older, you're approaching it, you'll understand that the most important

Speaker 1 attributes in any other human beings, I think, I think a lot of people my age come to this, are, well, comfort, you like your comfort, but more than that, above all, acceptance.

Speaker 1 You just have to accept people for what they are. You can't nag them.
You can't nag them. You can't

Speaker 1 just try to browbeat them into being who they're not. You can suggest things.
If they spark to it, great. But the hard sell on you're not like me.
I didn't do that. Well, I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 I literally didn't do that.

Speaker 1 I was just saying, maybe. It came out that way to me.
Yeah, yeah. Like, how can I?

Speaker 1 I never had an empanada. You're not like pussy.
Okay. How can you not like? I love pussy.
I love pussy. How can you? No, I'm just saying that my analogy to the.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is that there was a time I never had an empanada. I refused to do it.
I don't like the name of it. Right.
And then I tried it and I loved it. That's my point.
I understand. Okay.
So

Speaker 1 all I'm asking you to do is maybe create a username, log on, get a gamertag, and let's play one day, maybe six hours of Warzone.

Speaker 1 And we'll stream it. It'll get millions of views.
I see. It'll be great.
Stream it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what we should do?

Speaker 1 What's the

Speaker 1 sport, the esports, where they watch other people playing video games? I've seen that. I've done that.

Speaker 1 What is that called? Esports. Esports, right? So you're watching other people

Speaker 1 do something virtual. Yeah.
Right. And you don't see why your generation is fucked up.
When I fucked, no. That's so fucked up.

Speaker 1 When you're watching a soccer match, we're watching two people play soccer. They're actually

Speaker 1 playing. Yeah, you're just watching people.
They're not playing video games, they're actually playing a video game. You're watching people type, basically.
No, that's not the same thing. No.
I get it.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, you don't get it.

Speaker 1 I don't want to get it. No, can I just

Speaker 1 one-on-one basketball?

Speaker 1 I'm 5'2 ⁇ , man. I'm not going to play basketball.
You think I'm Yao Ming?

Speaker 1 I've never made a basket in my life.

Speaker 1 I don't get how many tried. I don't know how to do that.
Ping pong.

Speaker 1 But you could learn. See, you could get good.
There have been short, good short basketball. But see, it's the same thing.
No, it's not Bill. I'll tell you.
And I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 I've tried basketball. That's the thing.
You haven't tried Warzone.

Speaker 1 That's true. Right? It's like I'm willing to go, okay, this is a ball, that's a basket, and I've tried

Speaker 1 under it. Were you leaving now? Yes,

Speaker 1 why are you leaving now? Because they told me you have to get to a set at the comedy store. Yeah, just give me three more minutes to convince you here.

Speaker 1 Just give me, right? I'm just saying, I want you to be willing to like because you know, you're 68 years old, right? All right, no, I agree, okay. And so I will pay for your Xbox.

Speaker 1 I'll even pay for the internet, whatever it costs. You'll do it.
Great. That's the easiest way out.
What did we learn today? We learned

Speaker 1 why I'm not married.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 if I ever gotten nagged like that, I'd be out so fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I remember way back in the day being in a couple of relationships where it was just like that, where they go at you until you just go, yes. And then they keep going, yeah, I agree.
Okay. Done.

Speaker 1 It still goes on. Yeah.
So that's what I'm saying to you.

Speaker 1 Everyone listening right now. I cannot wait till we play

Speaker 1 on the comments or direct message. Make them play the game.
I'll give them the console. Anyway, like I'd ever see them.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Club.

Speaker 1 All right, Bobby. You got to get to the comedy store.
Improv. The improv.
That was my club. I do both, buddy.
Thank you.

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