Ray Romano | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Speaker 1 My book is out now. It's called What This Comedian Said Will Shock You, and it's available now anywhere you get your books.

Speaker 1 The one thing I miss is going up in a room full of strangers and winning that audience over. That's the thing I hated the most.

Speaker 1 I would get a student loan, I would register, and my parents thought I was going to college, and I would leave the house and never go.

Speaker 1 Is this a gift already?

Speaker 1 Well, you know, it's like when the husband gives a wife lingerie. Who's the gift really for? Exactly.
It's my book. Yes, yes.
I know. I know the book.

Speaker 1 I want to show you what I wrote to you because I feel like it's so apropos.

Speaker 1 Oh, it is a gift. Oh, I thought you were using it to plug.
To Ray, the lifelong friend I'm just getting to know.

Speaker 1 I feel like that's where we are, right? Appreciate it.

Speaker 1 In another alternative universe, we've actually spent thousands of hours together and we enjoyed every minute of it, but there just wasn't time on this Earth.

Speaker 1 But how did we, we just missed each other coming up, I guess, because you were at the improv, right?

Speaker 1 We were like Captain Tuttle on MASH. Do you remember that episode where the captain, he just left.
There were never really. No, we never see that.

Speaker 1 They made Frank Burns go mad thinking he constantly just missed him. But were you, did you, was your first place the improv?

Speaker 1 Improv L.A.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, I was I mean, I did. I did work the improv in New York.
Oh, so you didn't start, you, you started out here? No, what? New York. So, so you, the improv was your home club?

Speaker 1 Was your place where you really was catcherizing star improv, but you know, when you got

Speaker 1 what years? Once you got to be a big act,

Speaker 1 you got to work all three clubs, the comic strip, the improv, you know. Yeah, and then and then the seller, too, right? And then the seller.
Yeah. But what years, what years were that? 1979 to 1982.

Speaker 1 That's exactly what I started in 83, like 80. See?

Speaker 1 Captain Tuttle. Yeah.
I'm telling you.

Speaker 1 I started in 83 and then I quit for a while and then started again. Yeah.
You quit?

Speaker 1 I had two tries at it.

Speaker 1 You know, I started once, the first time ever on stage was the improv.

Speaker 1 Ever.

Speaker 1 And I did well. Did you do well the first time? That kind of tends to be the...
Of course not. How could you do well the first time?

Speaker 1 Because it's audition night and the crowd is very generous and I don't know.

Speaker 1 That seemed to be the

Speaker 1 way it was. That's not my memory.

Speaker 1 It was terrible. I was, you know, gasping for the oxygen of laughter,

Speaker 1 rudely awakened to the fact that... making my friends laugh was a whole different animal than making a room full of strangers laugh.

Speaker 1 I did obviously get enough laughs to get asked back. But I had the horrible experience the second time I went on stage.
So I had the false hope

Speaker 1 that, oh, this is easy.

Speaker 1 And then I was rudely awakened.

Speaker 1 Well, you must have been if you actually quit. I mean, when you quit.
Quit. Yeah, I quit.
It scared me so much. And then I tried again.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I quit again. And then the third time is when I said, I got to give it a shot.
So you quit and did what?

Speaker 1 I was,

Speaker 1 I mean, I did a lot of everything. But at the time that I started working as a stand-up, I was delivering futons in New York for my friend.
And you went back to that?

Speaker 1 I don't even think I was doing it then. When I was 23, I wasn't doing anything.
I was

Speaker 1 going to college dropping out of college i was that's how painful stand-up can be when you're not good at it it can make you go back to delivering pujans right

Speaker 1 it can make you quit yes as as exhilarating as the first night was

Speaker 1 that's how equally horrible the second night was right and yeah it scared me into no it's it's an amazing phenomenon that people well first of all just that a human being would want to like take the mood of a whole room of people or a thousand people or sometimes 25,000 people, music 50,000 people and put that on your one back.

Speaker 1 That alone is a little weird to want to do. And then to like endure

Speaker 1 that kind of apprenticeship. I mean, every industry has a type of apprenticeship.
You're a computer programmer. You're working, you're learning the computer.

Speaker 1 It's not humiliating learning the computer. It can be frustrating or, you know, you wish you were going faster or slower or something.

Speaker 1 But it's not huge. But we'd like rank humiliation.
I mean, real

Speaker 1 ego-crushing. That's what I tell,

Speaker 1 there's always young guys who kind of ask me about

Speaker 1 what's the best path or whatever. Sure, Ray, you're a big star.
You're worth hundreds of millions in your big shows and movies and acting career. And

Speaker 1 what's a for standard royalty what give us your advice ray

Speaker 1 can i call you ray or should i mr romano hold forth who are you are you mocking me or them i'm mocking that whole syndrome that we've all lived through a billion times where there was i remember not to blame him for it he was good at it but lena when we started was a little older than us comics who had started and was doing better and he would he had smoked a pipe back then and he would occasionally hold forth but i've I've seen Rodney do it.

Speaker 1 Do what, like hold court? Well, yes, the young comics gather around and they want wisdom from the elders.

Speaker 1 By the way, I'm not saying I ever offered it. I'm talking about when kids, when guys ask me, I don't say

Speaker 1 that. I don't know if they asked me to.
I'm just saying it's how you handle it. You know what? Something about the whole syndrome just creeps me out.
I heard Seinfeld give

Speaker 1 one of the best pieces of advice

Speaker 1 to, I don't know what it was, but he said someone was asking him, how do you make money in comedy and stand-up?

Speaker 1 And he said, the way to make money and stand-up is to not care about making money.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's like Elaine May's famous dictum: the only safe thing is to take chances. Right.

Speaker 1 That's showbiz.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I think also what he was saying was, just do it. You got to do it and get better at it.
Do you feel like you lived up to that? The only safe thing is to take chances?

Speaker 1 in in some things in other things i'm i'm this i'm the

Speaker 1 but like you you could have done a reboot of raymond for twelve trillion dollars or something i'm sure and you didn't you didn't you didn't you didn't bite it that fat piece of bait no because i knew it wouldn't be good it wouldn't be okay but that's what that's

Speaker 1 That's taking chances instead of just playing it safe.

Speaker 1 Playing it safe would be doing it. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But to be fair,

Speaker 1 the money wasn't going to entice me anyway. I mean, yes, the money's good, but I'm

Speaker 1 well off.

Speaker 1 I don't make choices right now

Speaker 1 for financial reasons. Because it all came out in the wash for us, didn't it?

Speaker 1 We're like so lucky. Because when you think about the old days and how many people you started with,

Speaker 1 I always compare it to the the Army. Like a lot of guys got shot.
I know. And

Speaker 1 a few guys. And guys you thought,

Speaker 1 there's so many guys I thought. Right.

Speaker 1 This guy's going to be a star. And did better than me, certainly.
I can't speak for you, but in the clubs. Even in the clubs, yeah.
The guys I didn't want to follow. Right, yes.

Speaker 1 But see, that's the thing. TV is a cool medium.

Speaker 1 This was the advice I learned almost as a child, not a child, but certainly as a teenager when I was thinking about going into comedy. I was very attuned to this shit.

Speaker 1 And I remember knowing that message. It was Marshall McLuhan, who I guess my mother was interested in.
I think he was also on TV. He's famously

Speaker 1 in Annie Hall when Woody Allen is online for a movie.

Speaker 1 Remember, and he's with the girl, and he wishes that somebody could come along and straighten out whoever he's arguing with and Marshall McLuhan, who was

Speaker 1 because he was thought of as like a very smart guy at the time. And that was his big message, you know,

Speaker 1 cool medium. And TV is a cool medium.

Speaker 1 People are watching you in a different setting than they are in a nightclub. That energy that blows people away in a small room does not permeate the screen.
So people like us, dull, plotting,

Speaker 1 we do much better. No, but we're not like, bam, it out of that.

Speaker 1 No, you're right. Because there are character stand-up acts that would tear the house down.

Speaker 1 I mean, and to try to find them a pri, you know, a sitcom or whatever, they never panned out.

Speaker 1 I probably have told this, but there was a guy,

Speaker 1 it's not that I won't say his name, I just can't remember at the moment, but he did this thing with puppets. But I mean, he was, yes, no one could follow him.
I certainly couldn't.

Speaker 1 He did close the shows. I remember certain clubs were opening and he was getting like the toppest dollar that they were paying, 2,000 a week.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the closing was he would put hand puppets and then they would pipe in the Rolling Stone Start Me Up. And the puppet would, I guess it was a Mick Jagger puppet.

Speaker 1 And I was in the back of the room thinking, man, I got to get glasses. There's something in this I must be missing.
The people are going fucking ape shit for this. And then, you know,

Speaker 1 no, it wasn't the glasses. I just, I didn't understand.

Speaker 1 Do you think that act would work now? Like, I look at the guys who were character stand-ups, and I wonder if they would go over it in today's audience. Well, Mick Jagger's 80 now.

Speaker 1 What's the best premise to like energize the crowd with? Although

Speaker 1 I've heard from a number of people, the Rolling Stones, he is 80, and they say the show is fantastic.

Speaker 1 And he, especially, is just like, as he ever ever was. It's

Speaker 1 never I've never seen him live.

Speaker 1 And my wife wants to go too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You should definitely go. I've seen them like four or five times.

Speaker 1 I'm not a concert going guy.

Speaker 1 The first concert I went to, I'll tell you, it was John Denver.

Speaker 1 And opening for him was the Starland Vocal Band.

Speaker 1 Do you remember them? I certainly know that.

Speaker 1 Afternoon Delight. Yes, from Anchorman.
Yes. And when they sing in Anchorman,

Speaker 1 Afternoon Delight.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But then I saw Chicago once. Chicago was like my favorite band growing up.
What a band. They're still one of my favorite bands.
Right. But you know, they changed from the 70s.

Speaker 1 And in the 80s and 90s, they got more softer and pop, you know. Yeah, yes, that's true.
That's true. But they had, you know, I don't know how much you know about Terry Cath, their lead guitarist,

Speaker 1 who Hendrix said was better than him. Wow.
And he, but he tragically accidentally shot himself when he was

Speaker 1 20. Yeah, 29, maybe.
Oh. Oh, he's he was unbelievable.
You should watch, there's a YouTube video, 25 or 624 of them live in the 70s.

Speaker 1 That's unbelievable. That sure doesn't make me smile.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Terrible. And the Beatles, we have that in common.
Yes. Yeah.
But Chicago, like, man,

Speaker 1 you're right. When there were a rock band with a horn section.
Yes. Yes.
And

Speaker 1 as a kid, well, you know, 13 or whatever I was, horns were sort of like something from my father's era more. So you like, it had to be really hot for me to like it.
Right. And they hit it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was another band, Blood, Sweat, and Tears. Blood Sweat and Tears, that also had a horn section.
Yeah, yeah. They certainly didn't go to work.
I mean, Chicago.

Speaker 1 They're still playing kind of Chicago. I mean, some of their guys are still there.

Speaker 1 I remember when they were inaugurated into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and my friend

Speaker 1 Rob Thomas did it

Speaker 1 from Match Fox 20 and this great solo stuff.

Speaker 1 And, you know, he kind of acknowledged that they

Speaker 1 said something about like, you know, oh, they're your mom's band. And he, you know, he was just like, hey,

Speaker 1 if that's your mom's band, I want to hang out with your mom. He wasn't saying it.
He was. When he inducted them, you know,

Speaker 1 he was putting down people who said that they were, you know, soft or. Well, yeah, because they don't remember, they don't know their early stuff where it was so silly.

Speaker 1 So I think, I mean, that's their most famous stuff. I mean, Saturday in the Park.
Saturday in the Park. It's in my movie.
I put it in my movie.

Speaker 1 Feeling stronger every day was the song that got me through my high school breakup.

Speaker 1 Really? I'm not kidding.

Speaker 1 You only had one high school breakup? I only only had one girl. Yeah.
I mean, that was, I mean, it was amazing. I got one.

Speaker 1 And then, you know, she broke my heart in a million pieces, which was deserved. I'm not going to say it wasn't.
But being young is so much harder than being old. Yeah.
If you have your health.

Speaker 1 If not, then it sucks even more being old. But

Speaker 1 you put yourself in such pain with your stupidity. Yeah.
And you're just, if, you know, the old, if I only knew then what I know now, you could spare yourself. But I went through that.

Speaker 1 That was at least a year where every day was a knot in my stomach from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. Because of the girl.
Yeah. Because it was just like, how do I get her back?

Speaker 1 And I can't. Because, you know, once you turn off the pilot light, I always say,

Speaker 1 it cannot be reignited in a woman. You can make it go low, but if you turn the pilot light off, it will never go back on.
And then you just, you are less attractive as a beggar,

Speaker 1 which is what you become a supplicant.

Speaker 1 You're like Oliver Twist.

Speaker 1 A little more, please. How long did you date her for? Like a year and a half.
Yeah, I was a little bit more. Like from sophomore.
Was she a, I was a junior, she was a sophomore.

Speaker 1 It was my first date, taking a bus to the mall in January in freezing cold weather to see a movie.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 like being 17, like we all like get a little little complacent, but we, as we mature, we, you know, become self-aware of it and fight like letting on that we're maybe not as thrilled as we used to be.

Speaker 1 You were complacent with what? With the relationship. Oh.
You know, after it was gone on for a year and a half or whatever it was,

Speaker 1 you know, I just was kind of, I don't know. I think I was dickish about something.

Speaker 1 You remember still we're into her big, big,

Speaker 1 you know, I guess I was, the interest was waning, but once she dumped me, it was just about my ego.

Speaker 1 And, you know, then it's just, you realize that it's not really about the person so much when you really go through that kind of hard.

Speaker 1 It's a lot about your ego, like, or your sense of survival. Like, oh,

Speaker 1 it's a blow. It's just an it's just a blow to an emotional part of you.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So then I was just beside myself.

Speaker 1 And that song, Feeling Stronger Every Day, when that came on, it was the summer i guess of 74 and it had been a year or so and it really helped me that was kind of the beginning of their more

Speaker 1 poppy kind of period but it still had that great horn no that's a good rock song yeah please don't ever say anything bad about feeling no it's a good song it's a good song they had great songs in that yeah just you and me

Speaker 1 you know uh um yeah that call of my world was

Speaker 1 my prom song which i didn't go to but that was the song they played at the prom. That was early.

Speaker 1 That was earlier. That was on their early albums.
What's important is that I was feeling stronger every day, Ray. Who is that? So who is

Speaker 1 your number one group, the Beatles?

Speaker 1 Yes, I feel like they're always the premises into Paris on the Mount Olympus of

Speaker 1 musicians and rock and roll. And I mean,

Speaker 1 everything

Speaker 1 they did first. Everything.
Like music videos, like things you don't even think of.

Speaker 1 Certain instruments, sounds, whatever. Stadiums.
Did you, because you played The Mirage, too, when I was playing it. Did you go to the Go to Love? Absolutely.

Speaker 1 I would go, I've been there like 12 times.

Speaker 1 12 times? Well, because I've played The Mirage for over

Speaker 1 20 years.

Speaker 1 So every once they change it up. So if I was...
But aren't you performing when that show was? Oh, my show was at 10.

Speaker 1 Wasn't your show at 10? Mine now at the MGM Grant. It's at

Speaker 1 9. But at the Mirage, when it was at the Marage, you were at the Mirage.

Speaker 1 It was late, yes. Yeah, it was at 10.
So you could go see the other side. So we would walk in the back and it's.
Oh, right. Same building.
Yeah, it's in the Mirage. No, I shouldn't have done that.

Speaker 1 But I did see it. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I would tear up sometimes just sitting there. I used to

Speaker 1 sitting there. And just, I used to like looking at the people and just seeing like when a song would come on,

Speaker 1 they just had to had to get into it and move, you know, how it would affect them. Oh, yeah.
And it was just nostalgia. The sound system in there

Speaker 1 is amazing. And then you have like midgets on tricycles.

Speaker 1 What? Isn't that what it is? My recollection. That's for Strawberry Fields.

Speaker 1 Or Lucy in the Sky. Okay.

Speaker 1 I remember it was. It was.
I love Circus Alex. It was Circus LA.
You know what? The best one was O. I didn't see it.

Speaker 1 That's the one that's on water. Yeah.
And there's little people flying all around. They're over your head.

Speaker 1 It's amazing.

Speaker 1 And they do amazing stunts. but the water and the, it's, it's those shows.
Vegas, you know, I was just in Atlantic City. I'm sure you play Atlantic City and you're a big,

Speaker 1 I did play it, but I haven't played there in a while. Really? Why?

Speaker 1 Well, where do you play? I don't know. It was at the Borgata.
Well, I mean, I live here now. So, I mean, it's kind of a road gig.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but a road gig for me is Vegas. I don't do.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at you. Well, I don't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you let them come to see you, right? Let them come to you. I just did my first corporate gig in like 15 years.
Oh, I can't do corporate. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've learned. But it was in Vegas.
That's why I did it.

Speaker 1 They all think the car, and I get offered crazy money. I know.
And it's not worth it because, see, they think, oh, we're hip. We're going to love him.

Speaker 1 Because the person in charge of the entertainment committee is a big fan. But it's 2,000 lawyers or some shit.
You know, very often they're not that.

Speaker 1 And it's also a crapshoot to set up. What does it look like? How big is it? But I mean, I feel like you could do this easily.

Speaker 1 You can not offend a corporation.

Speaker 1 I cannot.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to, I mean, I'm an atheist and all this stuff. Yeah, but you just do, you do, what? You're Mr.
Salty. You do.
I'm Mr. Salty.
That's from like, oh my God. I do fuck you.
Mr. Salty.

Speaker 1 I hadn't thought of that.

Speaker 1 I remember that.

Speaker 1 You're right.

Speaker 1 That was one of my big jokes i came i would that that mr salty that's timely that's still that's still timely today in this in this that was in this age of low sodium you got to give them credit they're like there's a few years of my life where that was very important to me that mr salty joke was one of my biggest and now i can't even remember what the joke was it was it was you got to give i'm uh i roughly remember it you got to give Mr.

Speaker 1 Salty,

Speaker 1 the people of Mr. Salty credit.
Because in this age of health and low sodium, they're like, fuck you, Mr. Salty.

Speaker 1 They're not changing the name.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like Seinfeld's. You got to give the Chinese credit.
They're sticking with the chopsticks. That's always

Speaker 1 classic.

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Speaker 1 well i i should have remembered i don't know someone slipped something into my clove cigarette before i came on here so i was i forgot to plug my book what this comedian said will shock you went to number one last week we're hoping there will return come in today for week two but it is perfect for Father's Day.

Speaker 1 So I thought a dad like you're perfect to father. If your kids are watching.
Right.

Speaker 1 Your kids are watching. Yeah.
That's right. Buy this book for Ray Romano.
He's your dad. He deserves it.
They'll love it.

Speaker 1 I just got to find a way to get my kids to watch you.

Speaker 1 No, they do.

Speaker 1 They don't have to. They're fans.
They're fans. All right.
All right. Appreciate it.
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Speaker 1 I did a corporate gig at the Bellagio just a month ago. Yeah.
You did? Yeah.

Speaker 1 First time in 20 years, man. And I bet you it was good.
I got out alive. You know, they, they.

Speaker 1 Alive. Come on.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. But, you know, the conditions can be crazy.
They can be.

Speaker 1 Are they eating now? Are they this? Is it in a convention center that's true? I mean, those kind of crowds can be rough. I mean,

Speaker 1 I was at a charity event about 10 years ago, and the Eagles.

Speaker 1 Out of the goodness of their heart, it's a charity event, were playing it. And they go on stage, and they had just put out an album.
It was

Speaker 1 an awesome album. It was their album.
They hadn't put out one in 28 years.

Speaker 1 And I think this is like two, I guess this is like 2008, maybe seven.

Speaker 1 So they opened with a song, new song from the album. So new.
They didn't open with Hotel California. And the crowd just, I mean, it was just like it was a garage.
You got restless?

Speaker 1 Just restless, just completely ignoring it and talking. And Henley was pissed.
You could tell after. And I don't blame him.
I I very nearly stood up and just shouted, fucking shut up. It's the Eagles.

Speaker 1 Yeah, really. Well, who were they? Who were the people? Lawyers?

Speaker 1 No, it was a charity for. Oh, the charity.
It was a charity for,

Speaker 1 you know. Yeah, that's why they were there.
I was, you know, that's the thanks you get.

Speaker 1 One of the worst gigs I ever had, and I'm not, I don't want to trash the gig because it wasn't, it was the Gator Growl. You ever do the flu?

Speaker 1 No. Gator growl?

Speaker 1 I think I know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 I heard about this gig. Yes.
It's in the stadium.

Speaker 1 Where Jackson don't know.

Speaker 1 I think so.

Speaker 1 It's the Gators.

Speaker 1 See, I don't know college football. Yeah, I don't know what that is.
It's very big. It's very big.
And in Florida, it must be like, I have heard of this gig. I avoided it like the play.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, it was the second year of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Speaker 1 And so I was one of the, and Chappelle was on it.

Speaker 1 Larry the Cable guy was on it. A couple of,

Speaker 1 and when I went up, there's, there's, I guess, 20 or 30,000 people. You know, it's homecoming.
So there's some parents, but mostly students.

Speaker 1 And my stuff, I never did, I didn't do the college circuit a lot. No, me neither.
Yeah. And now it's unthinkable.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Now it's just, I mean, you would be.
Even you.

Speaker 1 Well, you could, you would have, you would have half this way and half this way, maybe. I would be sure.
First of all, they would protest before I even even got on the campus. Half of them.

Speaker 1 Some of them. I was uninvited when I was a invited to be the keynote speaker at the Berkeley graduation and then reinvited.
But

Speaker 1 today, are you kidding?

Speaker 1 These kids,

Speaker 1 that would be the first thing they would do is try to get me thrown.

Speaker 1 They don't want to hear anything they don't already agree with. They don't want their minds pried open.
And you know what? Let somebody else do it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 I'll do it from my perch here in L.A. I'll be a little

Speaker 1 white tower about this one. No, I could see where you, because you do

Speaker 1 speak about them

Speaker 1 a lot on your show, which is, you know. I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't do it because I have anything against

Speaker 1 people in their 20s. I probably spend more time with people in their 20s than most people my age do.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I love kids. I mean, there's a exuberance that you cannot quench.
There's a love of life and of possibility, and it's all the things

Speaker 1 we know about

Speaker 1 youth. But I'm not going to hold my tongue when they embrace stupid ideas.
And of course, then they'll just say, you know, the tritest, easiest, most erroneous thing lobbed at people like us is.

Speaker 1 You're old.

Speaker 1 Now it's about just get off my lawn. It's like, okay, so you put zero amount of thinking into the actual point I'm making.
You didn't engage with the actual idea. If you did that, I would respect you.

Speaker 1 But when it's just like, you're old, get off my lawn. Oh, wow, you learned a cliche about age and you noticed I'm a lot older than you.
But what about the idea? Am I right?

Speaker 1 Should we bring communism back? Because I think it's a bad idea. Maybe because I remember what happened the first time and you don't, and you don't care to learn, but somehow I'm the asshole.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I don't have that issue

Speaker 1 when I do my stand-up. Um, but do you ever why? What do you mean? Because I don't

Speaker 1 talk about the things that you talk about, yeah. No, but your stuff

Speaker 1 obviously, look, your stuff is universal. Oh, would I? I still don't think I'd go over with a college crowd.
I don't think that's why I didn't go over at the gate of growl, I don't think, you know.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you didn't? No, what I'll never, this was 30 years ago, and I remember

Speaker 1 30,000 people, and I remember after about five, three or four minutes, hearing a girl from about 10,000 people over.

Speaker 1 And I heard her voice go, you better start being funny. Oh.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that kind of shit. It was rough.
That's rough. And that's not early in your career.

Speaker 1 That's after you're a big success. Well, I wasn't.
It was the second year of the TV show.

Speaker 1 To most people, having your own show is a big success. I mean, it wasn't the

Speaker 1 landmark it became, but it was a success.

Speaker 1 You know, it was like when I was on politically incorrect. Yeah.
It wasn't a giant, you know, but it was, you know, that's a success for, for, for, when, for when we started. That's our goal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, that's why they had me there. Yeah.
But

Speaker 1 whatever.

Speaker 1 I remember

Speaker 1 we were supposed to spend the night there, and I told my manager was there. And I said, let's just go to the airport.
And the airport was like 40 minutes away, so it must have been somewhere.

Speaker 1 But do you have. And I said, let's just go.
Let's just get out of here. yeah

Speaker 1 i yeah i didn't even want to sleep in the town i wanted to get we slept at the airport i once got i once did horribly on a gig i was not ready to do yet in 1980 in cleveland

Speaker 1 in a restaurant

Speaker 1 in a restaurant did terribly like

Speaker 1 almost to the point of you know

Speaker 1 asked to leave

Speaker 1 almost asked to leave level bad you know like in the middle middle of your

Speaker 1 did not work. It was a tough room and I was a real rookie.

Speaker 1 And it just, and then the next day, wouldn't you know, I get snowed in and I'm at the airport for 12 hours watching them like plow the runway,

Speaker 1 just wanting to get this city off me.

Speaker 1 Not that it's the city's fault, but just I wanted to get Cleveland off me, get home and take a shower. And I have to live with it for 12 hours.
Did you ever do cruises? Cruise shows? Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I paid my dues.

Speaker 1 I can prove it, but that is a, I've had beer cans thrown at me opening for rock stars, but I will not do a cruise. Yes.

Speaker 1 Well, then, because then you're, you're with the audience for the next five days. And I only did it twice.
And the second, the first time went okay. Second time

Speaker 1 they had,

Speaker 1 they said, we're going to have late night comedy.

Speaker 1 And me and the other comedian were like, we did a regular show. And then they said, now it's late night comedy the next night.

Speaker 1 It was still us. It was still us.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 so,

Speaker 1 yes.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Of course, it didn't go well. And I remember walking

Speaker 1 in a cruise ship,

Speaker 1 I walk into my room and I'm, you know, this way, this way. And I hear the people, a couple, well, where do they get these guys from?

Speaker 1 And they turn the corner.

Speaker 1 And as I'm walking towards them, it's not wide enough to just walk by.

Speaker 1 We have to shimmy this way like our faces. And I have to, and he just insulted me.

Speaker 1 Was he aware that it was...

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. It was me.
Yeah. It was only two comics.

Speaker 1 Wow. Now that.
And then you're living on the boat with them for the next couple of days. It's kind of like you do a show at a club or somewhere.

Speaker 1 And right, you're just, the club is with you for the next two days. That's how ridiculous it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So and so do you like when you were you're at the buffet, you would see people and did anybody, did anybody like come up to you at the buffet? No, I don't think,

Speaker 1 hey, you were good last night?

Speaker 1 Like anyone, I don't, I don't.

Speaker 1 I probably stayed in the room for and stayed lay low for a while. People think they're doing you a big favor when they say, I laughed.

Speaker 1 So I'm like, fuck you. You know, so did lots of people.

Speaker 1 You know, what's funny is you think you're immune to that now at this point in your career no and basically well you kind of for the most part you are because they're coming to see you now yes but people can still dam with faint praise yes and you we work so hard yeah at what we do

Speaker 1 stand up especially i've talked about with jerry you know why i might stop doing it uh at least for a while

Speaker 1 just just like it's playing the cello you have to practice two hours every day

Speaker 1 or whatever it is with the cello. And it's that kind of thing.
And I love that. And I have loved it.
I will miss it if I don't do it. But yeah, you got to be on it.

Speaker 1 Or, I mean,

Speaker 1 to do a show, to do a one-hour show. Yes.
You can't just. You know what?

Speaker 1 The more popular you are and the more the audience loves you. And yes, when you've been around as long as us, the people who come to see you really do love you.

Speaker 1 You just don't want to disappoint. No.
You just want to give them what they want you to give them and give them the best version of it. But you know what?

Speaker 1 The thing that I miss, because I still like to play, when I go to New York, I go to the cellar. Any night I can go.
I go. Really? You still play the old clubs? There's just the cellar.

Speaker 1 I do the cellar. But still, that's amazing.
I live 11, I have an apartment, 11 minutes. I can walk there.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I still get charged up. Yeah.
And I, you know, nobody knows you're there. And I do 20 minutes.
You do 20.

Speaker 1 But when do you like you go up with a yellow legal pad and just from no because you have the because they're new stuff? I do a couple new, I try a couple new things, but otherwise.

Speaker 1 Oh, you just do your regular act? Well, if I'm doing 20 minutes, I'll have a, yes, I will have a piece of paper with thoughts and ideas. Let's hope so.
Try this, try this, try this, try this.

Speaker 1 I don't have 20 minutes of it. All right.
But I don't have 20 minutes. These people are getting you for a bargain

Speaker 1 basement price. The least you could do is try out new material on them.

Speaker 1 care. They don't, but some of them don't, most of them don't know the stuff, even the older stuff.
You know, not old, but you know, no, but I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 I don't do anything I did on my, the one special I did a couple years ago. I retired that material.
That audience is there for you to use. That's a showcase club.

Speaker 1 That's different than a real club or a real theater.

Speaker 1 But they're only paying, what, $5 to get in? Well, it's a little more than that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, it was when I was there. Well, when's the

Speaker 1 did you do the seller?

Speaker 1 Yes, I was talking to, I think it was Sandra Bernhardt who was recently here, and I mentioned the funny night where I was so bad that when I left, the MC Bill Grunface said,

Speaker 1 Bad Man went away. Oh, yeah, I remember hearing that.

Speaker 1 That wasn't Sandra, because I listened to her yesterday.

Speaker 1 It might have been Seinfeld.

Speaker 1 Again, another.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you didn't go there, frequent it a lot. I did.
There was a time when I remember because you were a big act, which is like, okay, my like third year in comedy.

Speaker 1 Okay, you can work all the clubs, and then you do, because you're greedy.

Speaker 1 First of all, you want the stage time, but you also want the money, you know, which was just basically like glorified cab fare. We're talking about 15, 20 bucks.

Speaker 1 But if you worked on the weekends where there was an early show and a late show, if you worked all the clubs, that would be six sets. I did that frequently.
Me too. And of course, the sets were fine.

Speaker 1 It was like you were getting into cabs. And

Speaker 1 I drove. I drove.
I drove from Queens and I would pop you out. To all the different glasses.
And where would you park?

Speaker 1 If I had to park by a hydrant, I'd park and run in. Right.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, see, that's better than what I did because you were always sweating getting to the next set because you booked three sets in a two-hour time series. Yes, yes.
And you just made it.

Speaker 1 And I did

Speaker 1 record was seven. I did some.
I remember running often from the cab to the stage. Yeah.
Like you walk, you come into the club and they're like, they're waiting for you. Come in.
And they push you on.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And

Speaker 1 your clubs were the strip, the catch, and

Speaker 1 improv, strip, catch, and then

Speaker 1 I remember doing Comedy Seller. But that was like so far downtown that it was hard to get to the.
Do you know what it's like now, the seller? It's it's because when I

Speaker 1 started,

Speaker 1 they were lucky to have an audience on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

Speaker 1 They would have the staff sit there, and

Speaker 1 you would have to go up for the staff so people walking down would see that

Speaker 1 they thought they were customers.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But now,

Speaker 1 do you, you know, it's like the hottest, it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, three shows a night. Three shows.
Three shows.

Speaker 1 Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, four Friday, four Saturday, and a waiting list only. Oh my God.
Yeah, yeah. And now he's buying.
Good for him. He's buying another.

Speaker 1 And yeah, they opened the one around the corner where the Village Underground was. That's all comedy now.
And then he just bought the McDonald's. The McDonald's went out of business and he bought it.

Speaker 1 No one bought it. And he's going to open up there.

Speaker 1 So what we did, where we had to go uptown, downtown, this time, that's the done.

Speaker 1 You could stay on one corner. on that Friday and do seven shows and never leave that, never leave that one block radius.
Yeah. Yeah, but it didn't teach them grit, right?

Speaker 1 They didn't, they came out a bunch of pussies, okay? That's what you get when you put all the comedy clubs on one quarter. Yes, that's true.

Speaker 1 We had to, I mean, I do look back and shudder, but I also look back and am in a way so grateful that I had to.

Speaker 1 We were talking about this in my office today because we have Abigail Schreier on this week, and her book is about this: that kids just are not

Speaker 1 asked to go through things anymore. Like if you're,

Speaker 1 you know, if the math test stresses you out,

Speaker 1 don't take it. That's okay.

Speaker 1 You know, and so they don't have the memory of like accomplishing something when they're young, of overcoming something, even shyness. You know, I mean, no one was more shy than I was.

Speaker 1 There was no suggestion that this was some sort of defect.

Speaker 1 of humanity and and and and so you know just um yeah it's a it's an you're a marginalized victim of something. Yeah, but just shy and get over it.
It's not the world's problem. It's your problem.

Speaker 1 All right, all right.

Speaker 1 And again, this is where they go, get off my lawn. It's like, engage with the idea.
Is the idea wrong? Argue with me on that level. I will respect you.

Speaker 1 Hey, I'll be at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino, June 21st and 22nd in Las Vegas.

Speaker 1 The Orpheum in Minneapolis, Minnesota, July 13th, and the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee on July 14th.

Speaker 1 July 26th, the MGM Music Hall at Fenway Park, Boston, Massachusetts, and July 27th, Toyota Oakdale Theater in Wallingford, Connecticut.

Speaker 1 I learned so much about Jerry Seinfeld this last month because of all the promotion he did and all the shows he did. And I've known this guy for a very long time and

Speaker 1 look up to him,

Speaker 1 not a phrase I use with very many people.

Speaker 1 And also, I'm just deeply friendship, deep friendship with him. But I didn't know a lot of these things.
I saw him say to Howard Stern,

Speaker 1 like the secret to life is getting comfortable or something like that with your torture. Because he was saying to Howard, all day long, all I'm doing all the time is looking for bits.

Speaker 1 And Howard said, that sounds like torture. And Jerry said, it is.
The secret of life is to just embrace, to find the torture that you're comfortable with. Something like that.

Speaker 1 And he said, he mentioned that and then marriage kids it's all that and are you that is not my life philosophy do you look for bits all the time because i don't no i don't i don't either even when i was young uh and didn't have three kids yeah

Speaker 1 and was just crazy mad about like finding bits everywhere because it's like this new thing you're actually getting paid for it even if it's 35

Speaker 1 i remember literally in bed like in the middle of coitus writing something down on the nights. That's amazing.
Without taking my dick out of the bunani.

Speaker 1 I mean, that is a love of comedy, ladies and gentlemen. But I'm the same way.
The bits would, especially with kids, because I started talking about that, and it would happen.

Speaker 1 And I would say, hold on, and I would write it down and then go to it later. That's the thing.
I was never a... a purpose-filled creator.
That's Jerry and Bill Cosby. Same thing.

Speaker 1 You have to write every day, get in front of the yellow legal pad, whatever.

Speaker 1 I could never do that. I was more the, I'll get stoned.

Speaker 1 Funny things will fall out of my mouth. Just be vigilant about writing them down.
Now, over the course of my lifetime, this is one of my big bugaboos: that

Speaker 1 lots of gold I let fall to the ground

Speaker 1 because I didn't write it down at the time. Because I thought, I'll remember, and I'm like, oh, fuck, what was that bit? It was going to work perfectly.

Speaker 1 Like, but I would say over the course of my lifetime, I probably

Speaker 1 guesstimating got 67.2% of what I thought of. I did record.

Speaker 1 When you were high?

Speaker 1 Well, all my life. Whenever, whenever.
All my life. It would just come up.
Restaurants. I mean, I have.
Yeah, same for me. Same for me.

Speaker 1 I wasn't one who said, time to write. I didn't set my clock and say, time to write.
But

Speaker 1 when I had premises and bits, oh shit, that's something funny. Oh, that's what

Speaker 1 I would put it in the book. Then at some point, I had to stretch it out and make it into something, right? So, and it's, it's work, it's like homework a little bit.

Speaker 1 But then when you get on stage and you, when you get a laugh from something, that's the thing.

Speaker 1 Playing the cello, it takes a lot of practice, but it's worth it when you're up there with the orchestra and you get the big laughs. But do you miss, because the one thing I miss is as hard as it was

Speaker 1 You know, back then, but when you were good, when you got better and you were a stand-up,

Speaker 1 is going on in front of a crowd that have never seen you before. Because that's never going to happen again.

Speaker 1 That's what I miss is going up in a room full of strangers and they paid their cover charge. And now here comes this guy, and now it's your job.
And there's a little bit of a,

Speaker 1 you know, you got to prove yourself to them and winning that audience over. That's the thing I hated the most.
I swear to God. Now, that probably...
Wait, but I'm talking about when it worked.

Speaker 1 when it when it worked it was great that's i'm sure it was but but you like it and it doesn't speak highly for my character in this sense because it is it does come off as a little haughty i would rather have been like you that's the that's the preferable way to be that you know no i'm going to win you over but i was like

Speaker 1 more haughty about it. But you're talking about if the if if

Speaker 1 they gave you attitude during your set, right then you would you would be like kind of like larry david was like that where larry would turn on the audience right no first of all i wasn't yes i'm not great starting you're not great that's part of the equation but another part is that you know see When I when I play now and for God knows how long, I'm attracting the people who know what they're getting.

Speaker 1 So it's my audience. So the stuff works because they're my people.
Yes.

Speaker 1 When you're in the clubs, it's not that. It's potluck audience.

Speaker 1 And a lot of times I did have great jokes that went over their head. See, I could see where you

Speaker 1 there's a difference. Mine stuff is more mainstream, right? So

Speaker 1 I know you're not talking about just specifically political humor, but

Speaker 1 you do have stuff, but mine's neither...

Speaker 1 Whoever you are, you could probably identify with something I'm saying. I was never meant to be like this mass act that was going to play state stadiums.

Speaker 1 I'm more like HBO.

Speaker 1 HBO is the, you know, Netflix has thousands more movies, and it's great. But HBO is a boutique place.
It has a great audience, a nice-sized audience, but it's not the biggest thing.

Speaker 1 And that's as best as I can do or want to do with the kind of crowd. I'd much rather have that smaller audience that's more sophisticated.
I mean, that's what I'm selling, is sophistication. I mean,

Speaker 1 I owe it to my New New Jersey upbringing. But this, a lot of entertainment is just not sophisticated.

Speaker 1 When I was a kid, and I'm sure there are people who go, you vulgar potty mouth, you think you're sophisticated.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, in this arena that we're in, where everything is like very unsophisticated, you know, like I'm I like this lane, yeah. You know, but it is always going to be somewhat smaller.

Speaker 1 But you're never going to have it.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to have it. Has it gotten smaller? Oh, no, it's gotten bigger, but it, But it has a ceiling.

Speaker 1 Because it's, you know. Not your audience, but it's my audience.
In general, in general. No, my.
Specifically, my audience has a ceiling.

Speaker 1 Much more.

Speaker 1 Yours has a much bigger arc, I feel. Right.
I mean, not to.

Speaker 1 We're not competing.

Speaker 1 I love you as you are. Oh, I got to do that.

Speaker 1 And it's just different.

Speaker 1 It's just different. And that's what's good is that.

Speaker 1 Yours is different from mine. Mine's different from Seinfeld.

Speaker 1 It's like in the Godfather when Don Carlion says to Berzini, you know, like,

Speaker 1 good luck with your business. I'm not going to invest.
But since I don't, inflicts, yeah, interests don't conflict with mine. You know,

Speaker 1 we don't walk the same.

Speaker 1 We would be good on it on the same show because we'd...

Speaker 1 Could we co-have? Yeah, we'd be great because we both appeal to a sophisticated audience, but it's just two sides of the thing. All right.
So do you want to? Yeah, I would love it.

Speaker 1 I've been, you know, I used to, I did the Mirage with Spade. Spade and I did the Mirage.
We would co-headline. I was like, I could do it myself, and I have been doing it myself now.

Speaker 1 But now the Mirage is closing, you know, so I went to the Venetian. I'm at the Venetian.

Speaker 1 But I was like, it's more fun doing 30 minutes. You know what? That's a great, you know, that's a great compromise I should think about for instead of just not doing it at all.

Speaker 1 Like do a little co- and well maybe you do something and then how and then we did a q so instead of 90 minutes you do it one hour is that right we had an opener and then david would do 25 minutes i would do 35 minutes

Speaker 1 and then we'd both come out and do a little q q a thing for 10 minutes yeah yeah and it was it was like

Speaker 1 so really you know when you got to do do you do an hour and a half yeah wow well you got to it because it's just you in vegas though yes don't you have have an opener? Don't you have an opener? No.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. No, no, no.
I have an opener. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I can't do it. I don't want to do an Aaron Hale.
No, I never want to. I'm tired of myself for 45 minutes.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 it goes fast, but I mean, that's one reason I'm thinking about hanging it up for this.

Speaker 1 Well, you want to do your editorials, right? That I want to do forever. Yeah.
That I want, because that's, but they're different every week.

Speaker 1 You know, I mean, an act is something you build and it's I always love that I'm a builder by nature but it is like building a ship inside of a bottle it's just a more elegant way to do it or maybe less elegant I don't know some people like a ship in a bottle I like an act the one thing but you're constantly tinkering and making it

Speaker 1 is that good or bad that's I love it I love tinkering but you can't but with your editorials you can only tinker up to the point where

Speaker 1 you say it the first time and then you don't get it all week right but you know with your act you get feedback from the audience of course and then you and then you tinker a little more and then oh i know yeah yeah of course it's all that it's that they're the director right i'm the actor and they're the director and it's it's great um no i love

Speaker 1 i know what you're

Speaker 1 i understand the kick you're getting out of doing your thing because that's why i'm doing that's why i write i wrote the movie yeah

Speaker 1 You always got like a million fucking things going.

Speaker 1 No, it doesn't really.

Speaker 1 As far as like actual projects, projects i read more about your shit yeah but you read about they announce stuff and yeah and thumbs up what's that what's the next one you have i bet you have one supposed to do a bio pic on jim volvano you know jim volvano no who's that

Speaker 1 you should know him

Speaker 1 he was college basketball he's the no i don't follow college but this was sports really take it take it easy i have a no i have a very this is a sore point because people like are on your case now if you don't follow women's basketball.

Speaker 1 And my answer is, I don't follow women's basketball for the same reason I don't follow college basketball.

Speaker 1 I only want to watch athletes at their very best. That's not a knock on any of them.
I don't watch golf. I don't watch hockey.
I don't watch soccer.

Speaker 1 Sports is a waste of time. I enjoy it.
You need a waste of time, but I'd like to limit that.

Speaker 1 So I'm only going to watch baseball, football, and basketball, and mostly only in the playoffs. But But the other sports.

Speaker 1 They're at their very best in the other sports.

Speaker 1 You just aren't into those sports. But that's the same sport.
It's the same sport. Oh, you mean the best in that sport? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I see.
I mean, even

Speaker 1 and I watch big tennis matches too.

Speaker 1 Of course they're great. The women athletes are great, but women and men are different.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 And even Serena Williams said,

Speaker 1 she kind of backed up McEnroe when he said, you know, the... Oh, yeah, that's ridiculous.
That's the number 300 player could beat her. Something like that.
Yeah, yeah. And she said, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's just

Speaker 1 when you play against a man, it just comes in faster. Right, right.
You know, because of nature, because of biology, which I'm sure the kids are very angry about me even mentioning.

Speaker 1 How dare you bring up biology in a discussion about biology? But yeah, biology matters, kids.

Speaker 1 Again, engage with the idea.

Speaker 1 Engage with the idea. Don't just say, get off my lawn.
Well,

Speaker 1 where is

Speaker 1 everybody on that,

Speaker 1 on

Speaker 1 males who become females participating in female sports? Where is that now?

Speaker 1 Are they allowing it?

Speaker 1 It's a great question. I don't think it's settled.
People have different ideas. One is a third division.
Yeah, the

Speaker 1 division where they compete with each other.

Speaker 1 The LGBTQ division, like males, females, and everybody else,

Speaker 1 whatever stripe. I never understand why the LGBTQ community wants to be lumped in like that.
Why it just, it's so, uh,

Speaker 1 you know, remember Gilligan's Island theme and

Speaker 1 the rest. And the rest.

Speaker 1 That was only two

Speaker 1 people for crying out loud.

Speaker 1 It doesn't just say, and then they did.

Speaker 1 The amount it takes to say and the rest, you could fit in Mary Ann and whatever. The professor and Mary Ann.
Oh, then they did.

Speaker 1 They did because their agent got on the phone and said, Yeah, come on.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So was their credit.

Speaker 1 You may have seen her as the rest.

Speaker 1 She played one of the rest on Gilligan's Island. Anyway, that's my analogy to the LGBT.

Speaker 1 There's so many different.

Speaker 1 But we were talking about sport. Oh, yes.
What were you going to say there before I... Well, Jim Volvano was a...
Oh, Jim Volvano.

Speaker 1 He's the coach who's

Speaker 1 the Jimmy V, you know, the Jimmy V with the Espy Awards. You have to educate me on Kali.
I know nothing. Jimmy V, he coached NC State in the 80s when

Speaker 1 they beat. That's Duke?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 North Carolina. North Carolina State.
That's Duke? No, it's North Carolina State.

Speaker 1 Duke is Duke. North Carolina State.
Yeah. Duke is they're they're both in North Carolina.
Yeah. I thought one was that.
No, Duke is

Speaker 1 at Duke or something. Duke, Duke University, that's Coach K.

Speaker 1 And North Carolina State was Jim Volvano. He was an Italian guy from Queens.

Speaker 1 And he was this fish out of water that became this coach who. You play him?

Speaker 1 Yeah, one of the biggest upsets was when they beat Usid in the NCAA championship. I don't even know this, but I think you're perfect for it.

Speaker 1 No, really.

Speaker 1 Just listening to this, it does sound like you are.

Speaker 1 You know who. If you see him, you know who, because he gave a famous Esby speech.
The first year of the Esbys, he gave the speech about don't give up, don't get ever giving up when he was dying.

Speaker 1 He died two months after that. He died like 10 years after we won the championship.
Anyway, whatever. Can I tell you a college sports story about Mr.
T?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 So it's 1983. I'm on the set of DC Cab.

Speaker 1 Yes. Mr.
T.

Speaker 1 And, you know, a lot of time in between shots, as you well know, all your acting work. And I'm doing the New York Times crossword puzzle because that's what 27-year-old actor Billy Maher did.

Speaker 1 What day? What day of the week was it? I don't, that good question.

Speaker 1 One I could handle. Because I do the Monday and Tuesdays.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. So

Speaker 1 I say, and that's the theme was college sports teams. And

Speaker 1 I'm trying to, and I'm struggling. And I say, hey, Mr.
T, do you know what the name of the Penn State team is? Nittany Lions.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God, it does fit Nittany Lions.

Speaker 1 I said, hey, why did they call them Nittany Lions? He goes, I should know what some stupid white man did.

Speaker 1 Remember it to this day.

Speaker 1 How should I know what a

Speaker 1 man? What stupid white man did?

Speaker 1 It was just, he was either,

Speaker 1 you know, that was his character, was surly.

Speaker 1 Were you a Rocky guy? I was... Rocky was big in my childhood.
Of course. Well, the movie, you mean? Yeah, the movie.
Well, I was 20 when Rocky was a big movie. Yeah, I was 18, yeah.
So

Speaker 1 I mean, it was a big movie, but I had much bigger problems when I was 20. I mean, that's

Speaker 1 right in that age where you're just, you're an adult, but you're, I always call it the infancy of adulthood because just like an infant, when you're an infant adult, which is 18, 19, 20, you're powerless in the same way you were when you were an infant.

Speaker 1 Like, everyone is more powerful than you about everything. You know, you don't really get to control your own life, whether it's what you can afford and like what you have to do to survive.

Speaker 1 Were you home still? No, I was in college. You know, again, by living in places I didn't want to live with people I didn't want to live with.
You're not controlling your life, just like an infant.

Speaker 1 I don't think I liked childhood because I wasn't in control.

Speaker 1 I'm smaller. People could boss me around, tell me what to do.
It all just graded against me. Yeah, but you, you, you,

Speaker 1 there's also

Speaker 1 something special about being a child and not having all the

Speaker 1 shit that you have now as an adult, the knowledge of it. Everything is magic, kind of, isn't it, as a child?

Speaker 1 There is a magic still.

Speaker 1 There's an innocence. For me, the magic came later.

Speaker 1 You know, there is magic in life.

Speaker 1 That explains the

Speaker 1 stripper pole. You're sitting by a stripper pole.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, some people are just, you know,

Speaker 1 molded into different personality types. And I know from talking to parents, they always tell me, like, you can tell at the age of two what they're going to be like.
Like, oh, that's a wild one.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I wouldn't know this, but is that what you found? I don't know if that's true.

Speaker 1 my my my 26 my youngest was a lot of him and my wife just boom and punched each other no no no no just what just just

Speaker 1 butted heads so much it was that's odd for the a boy to butt heads with the mom usually the boy butts heads with the dad well yeah i mean he did he did he he he was

Speaker 1 not easy. He was not an easy kid, you know, and he was

Speaker 1 the youngest. He's the youngest.

Speaker 1 Is there a syndrome? And he got out of it.

Speaker 1 He grew out of it. I mean, he was a kid.

Speaker 1 I laughed sometimes. He would,

Speaker 1 I remember seeing when he was eight and he was trying to go outside. And I was like, Joe, you can't go out without your shoes on.
And he just looked at me and went, My shoes are on.

Speaker 1 And he was in bare feet, standing there in bare feet. That's what something Trump would do.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 My shoes went on. Yes, I've made that

Speaker 1 relationship. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 he's mellowed out.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I've heard that story.

Speaker 1 I hear a lot about kids in their 20s and teens because

Speaker 1 my friends are always talking about their kids, or if I am close with them, I ask them about them.

Speaker 1 And I've heard this story also. The kid who is a...

Speaker 1 just not getting his shit together, and it's almost always a boy, not a girl. It's the boys who are in crisis more than the girls at that age.
Well, that's right. Well, girls are too, with suicide.

Speaker 1 And That's my experience. And my daughter is the first, was the oldest,

Speaker 1 and she was the

Speaker 1 A student, hard worker, go work, get a job, do this.

Speaker 1 And the boys were more like me. I was not that.

Speaker 1 I flunked. I went to three high schools.
I flunked out of two high schools. Flunked out? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But from not... from just being irresponsible, from just cutting school, not going,

Speaker 1 not caring, just wanting to have... I was the exact opposite.
were the exact opposite i was i was number seven in my class which is as high as i i mean

Speaker 1 that's about right i'm not i think the smartest that tracks though that tracks yeah no i was definitely afraid of not doing well in school yeah i didn't know what they were it's not like my parents were going to beat me i mean they weren't they you know that's not who I finally I graduated.

Speaker 1 I went to college. I went to Queen's College, but I would register.
I would get, here's what I would do. This, you know, I talk about stupidity.
I would get a student loan.

Speaker 1 I would register. There'd be money left over on that student loan.
And I would have money all of a sudden. And my parents thought I was going to college, and I would leave the house and never go.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah. And so after like two years, probably, I had 20 credits, you know.
And then as I got a little older,

Speaker 1 I got a little more serious and I went back. I started, I studied accounting, and I got about 100 credits.
And I never graduated, but I actually graduated.

Speaker 1 I got a two-year degree, but I never got the four-year degree.

Speaker 1 But when did you,

Speaker 1 where in your childhood did you have the idea that you wanted to be a comedian? Or was it not in childhood at all?

Speaker 1 In my teenage years, it was. Yeah.
Yeah. I was always a fan of comedy, stand-up to, you know.
I I knew before I was 10. Yeah.
Like, I always wanted to do that.

Speaker 1 I was probably the, you know, the class clown, I guess. Class comedian.
Different than the clown. Yeah, yeah.
The clown threw spitballs.

Speaker 1 The comedian said things that even the teacher sometimes laughed at. Did you ever make the teacher laugh? I don't remember that.
That's when I knew I was fucking sophisticated.

Speaker 1 I had nugs, but nugs didn't laugh. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I used to work in a theater. I used to, in a, in a movie theater.
I was an usher.

Speaker 1 And I remember it was a Neil Simon movie.

Speaker 1 And I remember I would know exactly every moment in that movie. And I'd be out in the lobby, you know, sweeping up the popcorn, whatever.

Speaker 1 And I knew when a funny part was coming up, and I wanted to go in there and listen to the audience. I wanted to have the audience experience.
And I wanted, yeah, to feel that. This was,

Speaker 1 I didn't know that I wanted to do stand-up yet, but I knew. I was a, that's what I was drawn to that, you know.
And then stand-up

Speaker 1 was just,

Speaker 1 I had heard about an audition night at the improv. Someone told me about once a month they do audition night.
And I got five minutes up, and that was the first time.

Speaker 1 And then when I do think about those years, what mostly stands out is

Speaker 1 being able to just survive on fumes. Like, what was I actually surviving on? It wasn't money.

Speaker 1 It wasn't any women. It wasn't

Speaker 1 the promise of a better tomorrow, because that certainly was in doubt. Like whether you were going to make it as a comic,

Speaker 1 it seemed very far away. It was the one thing it kind of had was the respect of some of those people who were a little ahead of you.
The ones who said, yes, you passed the audition.

Speaker 1 You're a funny guy. You know, that is really what I was surviving on in those years.
But also the

Speaker 1 audience, right? You liked being

Speaker 1 that feeling. No, because Dan wasn't bad either.

Speaker 1 The first year. Yes, you would bomb.
You would bomb. Well, first year, I don't think I even get on stage.
First of all, you have to hang out

Speaker 1 at the club. Yes, same as for a long time.
Okay. Then you get on last.
Right.

Speaker 1 No, but

Speaker 1 listen, that's what I tell them. We talked about this sooner earlier, but I never got to it.
The first few years is the hardest thing.

Speaker 1 I think in any business. They always say it.

Speaker 1 The first two years. Yes, you go on, like you say.
You hang out, you go on last.

Speaker 1 So now you're the comic who's up in front of three drunks and two people. Yes.
And you're the guy who can't handle that. Exactly.

Speaker 1 You don't have the experience. It's kind of like what they do in medical school when they make you go to a residency and work 80 hours a week.

Speaker 1 Because that's who you want looking at you is some bleary-eyed. I know what it's like to be overtired.
To think that they do that in hospitals.

Speaker 1 But yes, you go on last. David Say,

Speaker 1 God bless him. Loved him, still love him if he's around, once brought me on with the words, here's the last guy, I forget his name.

Speaker 1 And then walked off the other side of the stage into the bathroom. I'd catch the rising.
That's funny. I love his memories.
I really do. Because they're memories.
I want to relive them.

Speaker 1 Like people say, would you like to go back? Not if I've done relive that. No.
Yeah. Well, no, but I don't.

Speaker 1 I look fondly back at when I was a comic and I was a working comic in the city and my kids were little. So that was hard too.
But I kind of

Speaker 1 am nostalgic about that, you know? Of course.

Speaker 1 What did your kids think when they were little and daddy was a celebrity? Did they I'm always fascinated about that moment Paul McCartney tells that story about

Speaker 1 his kid when he was little and he said he was riding by on a pony and the little kid goes, hey, you're Paul McCartney.

Speaker 1 You know, the moment it dawns on the kid that the parent is also this personage.

Speaker 1 I mean, well, I remember when I was

Speaker 1 working comic and my daughter was the only, when my daughter was born, we didn't have any, she was like three. And I had a gig in Delaware.
I had to drive to a gig in Delaware.

Speaker 1 And my wife decided to come away with my daughter. So she's in the back of the room with my daughter.
And she's three. She doesn't know what I do.

Speaker 1 Right. And she's coloring in the room.
I'm on stage now, in the room. You know, my wife's with her.
And I'm on stage. And after about five minutes, I'm getting laughs.
I'm getting laughs.

Speaker 1 This is my wife told me. And my daughter just looked up and went, Daddy's funny.

Speaker 1 That's funny. So she didn't know what I was doing, but she realized I was making people laugh, I guess.

Speaker 1 She said, Daddy's bombing.

Speaker 1 Daddy's doing that same shit. Yes.

Speaker 1 Daddy's a hack.

Speaker 1 Jesus Christ. Daddy needs to change the tag on that one.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 The Gilligan's Island routine, dad. Yeah.
Boy. But, you know,

Speaker 1 my kids

Speaker 1 came to the show when I got the show. So my twins were like three.

Speaker 1 four when the show started and the show was on for nine years.

Speaker 1 So we moved to LA. You know, we were in New York when I got the show.
And the first year, I went back and forth.

Speaker 1 We didn't move out because I didn't know if it was going to get canceled or not, you know.

Speaker 1 So my wife and kids stayed in New York. Second year, we moved out.
All right. So now I'm on a show.
My kids are three. When the show goes off the air, they're 12.

Speaker 1 So that's basically

Speaker 1 daddy. That's how they know daddy's universe, you know.
And now it ends. Right.
And they took it harder than I did. My twins, they're 12 years old now.
It was, it was not an easy.

Speaker 1 Because they couldn't get a good table anymore.

Speaker 1 They knew we were going to fly private, but

Speaker 1 the transition was hard, man. I mean, it was,

Speaker 1 I don't want to get into details, but it was rough for them. Yeah.
And I realized, yeah.

Speaker 1 All of a sudden, that world that they saw daddy in ends.

Speaker 1 Do you remember that? Of course you do. You did it.

Speaker 1 do you remember that show you did uh after i loved that show it was like a dramedy men of a certain age yes yeah yeah yeah with back scott bakula right and andre brour and andre brower and yeah that really spoke to me i mean it was at the time of my life

Speaker 1 that was a very uh i mean that's on the list of

Speaker 1 things I'm most proud of. Oh, really? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't blame you. That's a really.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It was a really.
I mean, it was just two seasons and

Speaker 1 we won a peabody award which means you're in danger of getting canceled it means people

Speaker 1 think there's quality there but nobody's watching really uh we a month after we won the peabody award we got canceled yeah what is the peabody award

Speaker 1 the guy peabody i've certainly heard of it he was a guy some smart guy from some college university and they named an award after him i have zero respect for any awards.

Speaker 1 It used to be

Speaker 1 a stone in my shoe and now I like, I love it. Like I don't want them to give me anything because they have they're almost like the media.
They've like

Speaker 1 exposed themselves to be just not something people respect for good reason.

Speaker 1 Like the like an Oscar? Any of them.

Speaker 1 Emmys is my category. Yeah.
But also Peabody.

Speaker 1 I mean, Larry King, every time I was on, he would say, you are more like Mark Twain than anybody that we've had in a long time. And I would take it as a great compliment.

Speaker 1 Now, I don't know if that's gospel or if it's true, but it always amused me that the Mark Twain Award did give out the award to like 20 people who might have been, I'm sure there are many of them, all of them probably, are fine comics, but are not like Mark Twain.

Speaker 1 There's one guy who's actually like Mark Twain, much more than the people. Again, great actors, comics.

Speaker 1 That kind of stuff stuff is very funny to me did you

Speaker 1 you never did the the

Speaker 1 washington press correspondence theater right i did you did yes i did it in 95 i did it too yeah what year

Speaker 1 clinton yes yeah clinton and i did it for and that's the reason they had me because that was during uh

Speaker 1 What's her name?

Speaker 1 What's her name? Oh. The woman who had the affair with Clinton.
Monica Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky.
Yeah, it was during Monica Lewinsky. And so they hired the innocuous.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, they didn't make that

Speaker 1 cagey calculation with me. And I remember I said one bad word.
I did say the word fuck in front of the president of the United States.

Speaker 1 And the next year, People Magazine wrote about whoever was hosting and they said, they wrote,

Speaker 1 last year Bill Maher delivered an obscenity-laced model.

Speaker 1 I loved it. In one year, one fuck became an obscenity-laced monologue.
Oh, that's a...

Speaker 1 For them,

Speaker 1 one fuck is all it takes. How did it go over?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 it's a shit room because, first of all, like, nobody wants to be seen laughing at what they're not supposed to be laughing at. Right.
So you do need a juggler.

Speaker 1 or somebody like who is not political at all.

Speaker 1 The mistake they make is going, oh, this is a political event. We'll get the political comedian.
It's the last person.

Speaker 1 Yes, but that's, I look back at mine and think, although I shouldn't have done it because... No, I wish I hadn't.

Speaker 1 Well, but you, for that reason, me, for the reason of

Speaker 1 it, you should speak to what's going on. You should make jokes about it.

Speaker 1 I wasn't even aware of that. The one person, and he and I are not really friendly.
I don't know why. I don't hate him at all.
And I hope he doesn't hate me, Stephen Colbert.

Speaker 1 Some people just don't vibe. But I got to give it the one he did in front of Bush when he was in character

Speaker 1 was genius and was the best one anybody ever did and was ballsy.

Speaker 1 It was everything that to me marks excellence. It was truly funny.
It was original and it was courageous.

Speaker 1 And it spoke to what was going on at the time, right?

Speaker 1 Colin, did you see this? Years, Colin Jones? I thought he did a good job. No.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, you know, he is.
Of course. I've seen that live.
Yeah, I'm sure he did. He's a brilliant joke writer.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But I remember,

Speaker 1 I just did my act. And I said, I don't do political.
I just did my act. And they said, yeah.
That's good. They said, we'll pay you double.

Speaker 1 That's what they need to do.

Speaker 1 But then, you know,

Speaker 1 Ariana Huffington's looking at you like, why is he up there? You know?

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 um but you never did anything to your great credit that like embarrassed your kids your family i mean so many stars have to walk some sort of walk of shame because well i've been in movies i've done stuff that hasn't that's not you've had bombs everybody has bombs that's not the same thing i'm talking about you know getting out of your car and you could see your ball

Speaker 1 you know or any just anything that brings like where people I always say it this way.

Speaker 1 Whenever you, if you can get through show business life without ever doing the, ever doing anything where made people go, oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you, you've never done it only if you're saying that

Speaker 1 things you've said, right? Let's not go there with me.

Speaker 1 But things you've said, but you're the guy,

Speaker 1 but you're, you're, that's your job. Your job is to party.

Speaker 1 Yes, and I've also done stupid things, but yes,

Speaker 1 it's much more likely if you're mixing dangerous chemicals that there's going to be

Speaker 1 something blow up.

Speaker 1 Or

Speaker 1 to use another analogy, you are going to make more errors at third base than second base. Yes.
There's just more sharply hit grounders your way. Right.

Speaker 1 But you're the guy

Speaker 1 in the arena. I wanted to know about what's going on.
The hot corner. Yeah.
They don't call it the hot corner for nothing. So you don't even drink or you do drink? I don't drink.

Speaker 1 I have vices. I have my vices.
What?

Speaker 1 I gamble too much. Really? You gamble like heavy money? No, not heavy money.
But

Speaker 1 I was in Vegas yesterday. We went for a poker tournament.

Speaker 1 I drove. I drove home this morning.
I got home at 1.30. A poker tournament? Yeah, there's a lot of...
You mean you're that serious about poker? It's, yeah, but it's nothing.

Speaker 1 The stakes are low. Well, how's it going? How much is lower, do you not want to say?

Speaker 1 it's a World Series of poker. They have tournaments every day for three months.
This was a $1,000 buy-in.

Speaker 1 You put $1,000 in.

Speaker 1 So how much can you lose it?

Speaker 1 That's it, $1,000.

Speaker 1 That's how much the entry is. For each hand? No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's a $1,000 entry. There's 3,000 people who are in the tournament.

Speaker 1 They play, and when you get knocked out, you're eliminated. They play until there's one winner, but they're like the top 400 cash in.
I never understood gambling, why it was so amusing to people.

Speaker 1 It just made me nervous. Like, I'm losing money slowly.
I realize that even if I'm up, I won't be in five minutes.

Speaker 1 You know, it's just, I'm just going to slowly lose this money, which is okay if you know you're going to lose it to begin with, but to like really go there thinking and then be so disappointed because, of course,

Speaker 1 you know, you're not supposed to win in a casino. Well, you know what?

Speaker 1 They say psychologically

Speaker 1 the gambler really wants to lose. Is that right? I don't get it.
I don't get that. But they say subconsciously, they want to punish themselves.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, I think it was one of those, Jimmy the Greek, maybe somebody said

Speaker 1 the most favorite thing for him to do in his life is to gamble and win. And his second most favorite thing is to gamble and lose.

Speaker 1 Is that right? Yeah, it's just the thrill.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've never got a thrill out of it. I also think it's amazing what they get away with.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you saw recently, but the Supreme Court heard this ruling about affirmative action at colleges.

Speaker 1 It was brought mostly by Asians who said they were being discriminated at Harvard and a number of other schools. Because

Speaker 1 if you admit it, if you just did it by blind admittance, like 50% of Harvard would be Asian. They just do well.

Speaker 1 When I'm saying anything about anybody, the Asians, they can fucking do a test.

Speaker 1 So they were kind of penalized

Speaker 1 for like winning at the game. And I feel like the same thing goes on at a casino.
Like a card counter,

Speaker 1 that's not cheating. I know, that's what I think.
Cheating is if I have a piece in my ear and there's a guy across the way, you can see the card. That's cheating.

Speaker 1 Card counting is just being good at it. I agree with you.
Just being good. He's not breaking any rules.
No. He's just good at it.
And you throw him out for being good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, no, it's. I'm running as a one-issue candidate on this and only this.
This is my one issue. I can't take it anymore.
This country. I agree.
I agree. Yeah.
What is he doing?

Speaker 1 He's just being smart. That's all.
He's just. All right.
Do you have anything to plug? I got a P.

Speaker 1 I have a movie that I'm in coming out July 11th that I'm. Well, look at this is the worst plug I've ever seen in my.
Yeah, I got

Speaker 1 old jerky man on the porch. I'm not the least.

Speaker 1 I don't want to bother anybody with my movie.

Speaker 1 It'll be a nuisance to you. If you're there, if you're there.

Speaker 1 If I'm fine here on the porch, I don't need to come in. If it's raining and you got nowhere to go.
Anyway, the movie's called Fly Me to the Moon. Oh, okay.
Fly Me to the Moon.

Speaker 1 It's with Channing Tatum and Scarlett Johansson, July 11th.

Speaker 1 Comes out. Yeah, and it's about.
Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum. Yeah.
That's amazing. I got a nice role.

Speaker 1 It's not super big, but it's amazing. So I'm guessing.
And you're the love interest for Scarlett Johansson. And Channing Tatum is just like the butt boy that you're both.

Speaker 1 It's about Apollo 11. It's about the moon lady.
It's like a historical fiction. So it takes place in 69? Yeah.
Yeah, we went to NASA. We went to Kate Kennedy.
It was cool.

Speaker 1 But anyway, that's it, July 11th. And then this.
Well, Fly Me to the Moon is also one of the great songs of all time.

Speaker 1 Not just done by Sinatra, but there was a very funny movie that was done in in 1997, I'm guessing, called Down with Love. If you never saw it, I recommend it highly.

Speaker 1 It's with Rene Zellweger and from 97, yeah? Yes. It's a parody of

Speaker 1 the Rock Hudson-Doris Day movies. Yeah.
So if you don't know the Rock Hudson, Doris Day movies, it's not as funny.

Speaker 1 Still, it's genius. The writing.
What's the name of it? And they have a... It's called Down with Love.

Speaker 1 But refresh yourself with the Doris Day, Rock Hudson movies first. And then

Speaker 1 they play Fly Me to the Moon as done by Astra Girobato, who was married, I think, to the guy who wrote

Speaker 1 Antonio Carlos Giobimo wrote all those great brought Samba to America. The girl from Ipanima, tall and thin and young and lovely.
And she does a rendition of Fly Me to the Moon. So now I have...

Speaker 1 But you're saying I kind of have to watch a Rock Hudson.

Speaker 1 No, but you don't remember those Rock Hudson? Yeah, kind of. You know,

Speaker 1 they were, they were really funny. I mean, they were of their time.
I mean, in the one, the big one they did, the plot is they're they're on a party phone.

Speaker 1 A party phone.

Speaker 1 People, kids have no idea what I'm talking about. It's even before our time.
But you'd get on the phone and they'd be, you have to share the line with other people.

Speaker 1 Would you please get off this line? I have to make a call. I mean, it's yeah, I saw,

Speaker 1 I watched Marty a little while back. It came on somewhere.
Marty, yeah. Talking about things that are dated.
And the mother was talking to her sister. You know, she had an Italian accent.

Speaker 1 And she goes, I want Marty to get married. Come on.
I wanted to see him get married. Look at me.
How long am I going to be here? I'm a 57 years old. I said, what?

Speaker 1 Right. I said, oh, no.

Speaker 1 Well, I know.

Speaker 1 We still have the future for us.

Speaker 1 All right. We're up.
All right.

Speaker 1 You don't have to take a break.

Speaker 1 No, I was having too much fun. I couldn't tear myself away from it.
You pre-gamed it, right? Yes.

Speaker 1 Time.

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