Ray Romano | Club Random with Bill Maher

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My book is out now. It's called What This Comedian Said Will Shock You,

and it's available now anywhere you get your books.

The one thing I miss is going up in a room full of strangers and winning that audience over.

That's the thing I hated the most.

I would get a student loan, I would register, and my parents thought I was going to college. And I would leave the house and never go.
Is this a gift already? Well, you know, it's like when the husband gives a wife lingerie. Who's the gift really for? Exactly.
It's my book. Yes, yes.
I know. I know the book.
I want to show you what I wrote to you, because I feel like it's so apropos for. Oh, it is a gift.
Oh, I thought you were using it to plug. To Ray, the lifelong friend I'm just getting to know.
I feel like that's where we are, right? Appreciate it, yeah. In another alternative universe, we've actually spent thousands of hours together, and we enjoyed every minute of it, but there just wasn't time on this Earth.
But how did we, we just missed each other coming up, I guess, because you were at the improv, right? We were like Captain Tuttle on MASH. Do you remember that episode where the captain, he just left.
They never really, they made Frank never... Yeah.
They kept... They made Frank Burns go mad.
They constantly just missed him. But were you...
Did you... Was your first place the improv? Improv LA.
Oh, oh. I was...
I mean, I did work the improv in New York. Oh, so you didn't start...
You started out here. No.
What? New York. So the improv was your home club? Was your place where you? Really was Catch a Rising Star.
Oh. Improv.
But, you know, when you got. What years? When you got to be a big act, you got to work all three clubs, the comic strip, the improv, you know.
Yeah. And then the cellar, too.
And then the cellar. Yeah.
But what years? What years were there? 1979 to 1982. That's exactly.
And I started in 83. See? Captain Tuttle.
Yeah. I'm telling you.
I started in 83, and then I quit for a while, and then started again. You quit? I had two tries at it.
You know, I started once.

The first time ever on stage was the improv.

Ever.

And I did well.

Did you do well the first time?

That kind of tends to be the...

Of course not.

How could you do well the first time?

Because it's audition night and the crowd is very generous.

And I don't know.

That seemed to be the way it went.

That's not my memory.

My memory was that.

It was terrible.

I was, you know, gasping for the oxygen of laughter,

rudely awakened to the fact that making my friends laugh

was a whole different animal than making a room

for a stranger's laugh.

I did obviously get enough laughs to get asked back. But I had the horrible experience the second time I went on stage.
So I had the false hope that, oh, this is easy. And then I was rudely awakened.
Well, you must have been if you actually quit. I mean, when you quit.
Yeah, I quit. It scared me so much.
And then I tried again. And I quit again.
And then the third time is when I said I got to give it a shot. So you quit and did what? I was, I mean, I did a lot of everything.
But at the time that I started working as a stand-up, I was delivering futons in New York for my friend. And you went back to that? I don't even think I was doing it then.
When I was 23, I wasn't doing anything. I was going to college, dropping out of college.
That's how painful stand-up can be when you're not good at it. It can make you go back to delivering food johns, right? It can make you quit.
Yeah, as exhilarating as the first night was, that's how equally horrible the second night was. Right.
And yeah, it scared me. No, it's an amazing phenomenon that people well first of all just that a human being would want to like take the mood of a whole room of people or a thousand people or sometimes 25 000 people and music 50 000 people and put that on your one back.
That alone is a little weird to want to do.

And then... and music 50,000 people, and put that on your one back.
That alone is a little weird to want to do.

And then to, like, endure that kind of apprenticeship.

I mean, every industry has a type of apprenticeship.

You're a computer program.

You're working and you're learning the computer.

It's not humiliating learning the computer.

It can be frustrating or, you know, you wish you were going faster or slower or something. But it's not, but we, like, rank humiliation.
I mean, real ego-crushing. That's what I tell, there's always young guys who kind of ask me about what's the best path or whatever.

Sure, Ray, you're a big star.

You're worth hundreds of millions in your big shows and movies

and acting career and television.

For stand-up.

Royalty.

Give us your advice, Ray.

Can I call you Ray or should I?

Mr. Romano, hold forth.

Who are you?

Are you mocking me or them? I'm mocking that whole syndrome that we've all lived through a million times. Where there was, I remember not to blame him for it.
He was good at it. But Lena, when we started, he was a little older than us comics who had started and was doing better.
And he would, he had smoked a pipe back then. And he would occasionally hold forth.
But I've seen Rodney do it and you know it's not. Do what like hold court? Well yes the young comics gather around and they want wisdom from the elders and I'm sure I've.
By the way I'm not saying I ever offered it I'm talking about when kids when guys ask me I don't say. I know they ask me too I'm just saying it's how you handle it but you know what? Something about the whole syndrome just creeps me out.
I heard Seinfeld give one of the best pieces of advice to, I don't know what it was, but he said someone was asking him, how do you make money in comedy, in stand-up? And he said, the way to make money in stand-up is to not care about making money in stand-up. Yeah, that's like Elaine May's famous dictum, the only safe thing is to take chances.
Right, right. That's show business.
Yeah, but I think also what he was saying was just do it. You got to do it and get better at it.
You feel like you lived up to that? The only safe thing is to take chances?

In some things.

In other things, I'm the...

But like, you could have done a reboot of Raymond for $12 trillion or something, I'm sure.

And you didn't bite it, that fat piece of bait.

No, because I knew it wouldn't be good.

It wouldn't be...

Okay, but that's taking chances instead of just playing it safe. Playing it safe would be doing it.
Yes. Yeah.
But to be fair, the money wasn't going to entice me anyway. I mean, yes, the money's good.
But I don't make choices right now for financial reasons. Because it all came out in the wash for us, didn't it? We're like so lucky.
Because when you think about the old days and how many people you started with, I always compare it to the army. Like, a lot of guys got shot.
I know. And a few guys.
And guys you thought, there's so many guys I thought, this guy's going to be a star. And did better than me, certainly.
I can't speak for you, but in the clubs. In the clubs, yeah.
The guys I didn't want to follow. Right, yes.
But see, that's the thing.

TV is a cool medium. This was the advice I learned almost as a child, but certainly as a teenager when I was thinking about going into comedy, I was very attuned to this shit.
And I remember knowing that message. It was Marshall McLuhan, who I guess my mother was interested in.
I think he was also on TV. He's famously in Annie Hall when Woody Allen is online for a movie.
Remember? Yeah. And he's with the girl.
And he wishes that somebody could come along and straighten out whoever he's arguing with. And Marshall McLuhan, who was like.
Right, right. Because he was thought of as like a very smart guy at the time.
And that was his big message, you know, cool medium. And TV is a cool medium.
People are watching you in a different setting than they are in a nightclub. That energy that blows people away in a small room does not permeate the screen.
So people like us, dull, plotting. We do much better.

No, but we're not like,

No, you're right, because there are character stand-up acts that would tear the house down.

Oh.

I mean, and to try to find them a sitcom or whatever,

they never panned out.

I probably have told this, but there was a guy. It's not that I won't say his name.
I just can't remember at the moment. But he did this thing with puppets.
But I mean, he would, yes, no one could follow him. I certainly couldn't.
He did close the shows. I remember certain clubs were opening, and he was getting, like, the toppest dollar that they were paying, $2,000 a week, you know? Yeah.
And the closing was he would put hand puppets, and then they would pipe in the Rolling Stones start me up, and the puppet would, I guess it was a Mick Jagger puppet. And I was in the back of the room thinking, man, I got to get glasses.
There's something in this I must be missing. The people are going fucking ameshit for this.
And then, you know, no, it wasn't the glasses. I just, I didn't understand.
Do you think that act would work now? Like, I look at the guys who were character stand-ups, and I wonder if they would go over in today's audience.

Well, Mick Jagger's 80 now.

So what's the best premise

to energize the crowd with?

Although I hear the,

I've heard from a number of people,

the Rolling Stones,

he is 80 and they say

the show is fantastic.

Yeah.

And he especially

is just like as he ever was. It's pretty amazing.

I've never seen him.

My wife wants to go too.

You should definitely go. I've seen them like four

or five times.

I'm not a concert going guy.

The first concert I went to

I'll tell you, it was

John Denver and opening for him was the Starland Vocal Band. Do you remember that? I certainly know that.
Afternoon Delight. Yes, from Anchorman.
Yes. When they sing in Anchorman.
Yeah, yeah. Afternoon Delight.
I'm going to find my babies. Yeah.
Oh, my God. But then I saw Chicago once.
Chicago was like my favorite band growing up. What a band.
They're still one of my favorite bands. Right.
But, you know, they changed from the 70s. In the 80s and 90s, they got more softer and pop, you know? Yeah.
Yes, that's true. That's true.
But they had, you know, I don't know how much you know about him. Terry Kath, their lead guitarist, who Hendrix said was better than him.

Wow.

But he tragically accidentally shot himself when he was 29, maybe.

Oh.

Oh, he was unbelievable.

You should watch.

There's a YouTube video, 25 or 64, of them live in the 70s.

Boy.

That's unbelievable. That sure doesn't make me smile.
Yeah. Yeah.
Terrible. And the Beatles, we have that in common.
Yes. Yeah.
But Chicago, like, man, they're, you're right. When they were a rock band with a horn section.
Yes, yes. And as a kid, well, you know, 13 or whatever I was, horns were sort of like something from my father's era more.
So you're like, it had to be really hot for me to like it. Right.
And they hit it. Yeah.
There was another band, Blood, Sweat, and Tears. Blood, Sweat, and Tears, yeah.
That also had a horn section. Yeah, yeah.
They certainly didn't go to where Chicago. They're still playing kind of Chicago.
I mean, some of their guys are still there. I remember when they were inaugurated into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
And my friend Rob Thomas did it from Matchbox 20. It was great solo stuff.
And he kind of acknowledged that they said something about like, oh, know, oh, they're your mom's band. And, you know, he was just like, hey, if that's your mom's band, I want to hang out with your mom.
He wasn't saying it. He was.
When he inducted them, you know, he was putting down people who said that they were, you know, soft or. Well, yeah, because they don't remember, they don't know their early stuff where it was so soulful.
I mean, that's their most famous stuff. I mean, Saturday in the Park.
Saturday in the Park, that's in my movie. I put it in my movie.
Feeling Stronger Every Day was the song that got me through my high school breakup. Really, I'm not kidding.
You only had one high school breakup? I only had one girl.

Yeah, I mean, it was amazing I got one. And then, you know, she broke my heart in a million pieces, which I was deserved.
I'm not going to say it wasn't. But being young is so much harder than being old.
Yeah. If you have your health.
If not, then it sucks even more being old. but you put yourself in such pain with your stupidity.
Yeah.

And your . Yeah.
If you have your health. If not, then it sucks even more being old.
But you put yourself in such pain with your stupidity. Yeah.
And you're just the old, if I only knew then what I know now, you could spare yourself. But I went through that.
That was at least a year where every day was a knot in my stomach from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. Because of the girl.
Yeah. Because it was just like, how do I get her back? And I can't, because once you turn off the pilot light, I always say, it cannot be reignited in a woman.
You can make it go low, but if you turn the pilot light off, it will never go back on you. And then you are less attractive as a beggar, which is what you become, a supplicant.
You're like Oliver Twist. A little mall, please.
How long did you date her for? Like a year and a half. Yeah, it was two years.
Like from sophomore, was she a, I was a junior, she was a sophomore. It was my first date, taking a bus to mall in january in freezing cold weather to see a movie yeah and like being 17 like we all like get a little complacent but we as we mature we you know become self-aware of it and and fight like letting on that we're maybe not as thrilled as we used to be.
You were complacent with what? With the relationship. Oh.
You know, after what's gone on for a year and a half or whatever it was. Yeah.
You know, I just was kind of, I don't know. I think I was dickish about something.
But you still were into her. You know, I guess I was, the interest was waning, but once she dumped me, it was just about my ego.
And, you know, then it's just, you realize that it's not really about the person so much when you really go through that kind of, it's a lot about your ego, like, or your sense of survival, like, oh, it's a blow. it's just a blow to a emotional part of you yeah so then i was just beside myself and that song feeling stronger every day when that came on it was the summer i guess of 74 and it had been a year or so and it really helped me that was kind of the beginning of their more poppy kind of period.
But it still had that great horn. Yeah.
No, that's a good rock song. Yeah.
Please, don't ever say anything bad about feeling stronger every day. It's a good song.
They had great songs in there. Yeah.
Just You and Me, you know. Yeah, that didn't.
How It My World was earlier. How It My World was my prom song, which I didn't go to.
But that was the song they played at the prom. That was earlier.
That was on the early albums. What's important is that I was feeling stronger every day, Ray.
So who is your number one group, the Beatles? Yes, I feel like they're always the primers into Paris on the Mount Olympus of musicians and rock and roll. And I mean, everything they did first.
Everything. Like music videos, like things you don't even think of.
Yeah. Certain instruments, sound, whatever, stadiums.
Did you, because you played the Mirage, too, when I was playing it. Did you go to Love? Absolutely.
I would go. I've been there like 12 times.
12 times? Well, because I played the Mirage for over maybe 20 years. So every once they change it up.
So if I was. But aren't you performing when that show? No, my show was at 10.
Wasn't your show at 10? Mine now at the MGM Grand. It's at 9.
No, I know that. But at the Mirage.
You were at the Mirage, right? It was late, yes. Yeah, it was at 10.
So you could go see the other show? We would walk in the back. Oh, right.
Same building. Yeah, it's in the Mirage.
Oh, I should have done that. But I did see it.
Oh, yeah. I would tear up sometimes just sitting there.
I used to like sitting there and just, I used to like looking at the people and just seeing like when a song would come on, they just had to get into it and move, you know, how it would affect them. Oh, yeah.
And it was just nostalgic. Well, the sound system in there is amazing.
And then you have like midgets on tricycles. What? Isn't that what, is that my recollection? That's for Strawberry Fields or Lucy in the Sky.
Okay. I mean, I remember.
I love Circus Loy. It was Circus Loy, yeah.
You know what? The best one was, oh. I didn't see it, no, I never saw it.
That's the one that, it's on water. Yeah.
And this, you know, there's little people flying all around there. They're over your head.
They're just, it's amazing. Yeah.
And they do amazing stunts and, but the water and the, it's those shows. Vegas, you know, I was just in Atlantic City.
I'm sure you play Atlantic City, and you're a big... I did play, but I haven't played there in a long time.
Really? Why? Well, where do you play? It was at the Borgata. Well, I mean, I live here now, so I mean...
Yeah, it's called a road gig. Yeah, but a road gig for me is Vegas.
I don't do. Oh, look at you.
Well, I don't. Yeah, yeah, let them come to see you.
Right. Let them come to you.
I just did my first corporate gig in like 15 years. Oh, I can't do corporate.
Yeah. I've learned.
But it was in Vegas. That's why I did it.
They all think, and I get offered crazy money. Yeah, I know.
And it's not worth it because, see, they think, oh, we're hip. We're going to love him.
Because the person in charge of the entertainment committee is a big fan. But it's 2,000 lawyers or some shit.
You know, very often they're not that. And it's also a crapshoot to set up what it looks like, how big is it.
But, I mean, I feel like you could do this easily. You're not going to, you cannot offend a corporation.
Right, right. I cannot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to, I mean, I'm an atheist and all this stuff.
Yeah, but you just do, you do. What? You do Mr.
Salty, you do. Mr.
Salty. That's from like, oh, my God.
You do fuck you, Mr. Salty.
I hadn't thought of that. I remember that.
You're right. That was one of my big jokes.
I can't remember. That's timely.
That's still timely today. In this age age of low sodium you got to give them credit

they're like there's a few years of my life where that was very important to me that mr salty joke one of my biggest and now i can't even remember what the joke was it was it was you got to give i'm uh i roughly remember it you got to give mr salty the people of mr salty credit because in In this age of health and low sodium, they're like,

fuck you, Mr. Salty credit.
Because in this age of health and low sodium,

they're like, fuck you, Mr. Salty.

They're not changing the name.

It's kind of like Seinfeld's.

You got to give the Chinese credit.

They're sticking with the chopsticks.

That's always classic.

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Well, I should have remembered, I don't know, someone slipped something into my clove cigarette

before I came on here. I forgot to plug my book, What Discomandian Said, well, Shaggy,

went to number one last week. We're hoping the returns come in today for week two,

but it is perfect for Father's Day. So I thought a dad like you would be perfect to sell it to.
So if my kids are watching. Right.
If your kids are watching, that's right. Buy this book for Ray Romano.
He's your dad. He deserves it.
He'll love it. I just got to find a way to get my kids to watch you.
No, they do. They don't have to.
They're fans. They're fans.
All right. All right.
Appreciate it. I'm taking it.
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I did a corporate gig at the Bellagio just a month ago, yeah.

You did?

Yeah.

First time in 20 years, man. And I bet you it was great.
I got out alive, you know. Alive? Come on.
No, no, no. But you know the conditions can be crazy.
They can be, are they eating now? Are they this? Is it in a convention center that's just- That's true. I mean, those kind of crowds can be rough.
I mean, I was at a charity event about 10 years ago, and the Eagles, out of the goodness of their heart, it's a charity event. We're playing it.
And they go on stage, and they had just put out an album. It was an awesome album.
It was their album. They hadn't put out one in 28 years.
And I think this is like 2008, maybe seven. So they opened with a new song from the album.
So new. They didn't open with Hotel California.
And the crowd just, I mean, it was just like it was a garage band. They got restless? Restless, just completely ignoring it and talking.
And Henley was pissed. You could tell after.
And I don't blame him. I very nearly stood up and just shouted, fucking shut up.
It's the Eagles. Yeah, really.
Who were they? Who were the people? Lawyers? No, it was a charity for, you know. It was a charity for, you know.
Yeah, that's why they were there. I was, you know, that's the thanks you get.
One of the worst gigs I ever had, and I don't want to trash the gig because it wasn't, it was the Gator Growl. You ever do the floor? The Gator Growl.
Is this, I think I know what you're talking about. It was in Florida, the stadium.
I heard about this gig, yes. Yeah, it's in the stadium.
The, where, where, Jacksonville? No. I think so.
What, it's the Gators. It's, see, I don't know college football.
Yeah, I don't know it that well. It's very big.
It's very big. And in Florida, it must be like, I have heard of this gig.
I avoided it like the plague. Yeah, well, I was, it was the second year of Everybody Loves Raymond.
And so I was one of them. And Chappelle was on it.
Larry Cable Guy was on it. A couple of.
Wow. And when I went up, there's, I guess, 20,000 or 30,000 people.
You know, it's homecoming. So there's some parents, but mostly students.
And my stuff, I never did. I didn't do the college circuit a lot.
No, me neither. Yeah.
And now it's unthinkable. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Now it's just, I mean, you would be, even you. Well, you could, you would have, you would have half this way and half this way, maybe.
I would be, first of all, they would protest before even got on the campus. Half of them would.
Some of them. I was uninvited when I was invited to be the keynote speaker at the Berkeley graduation and then re-invited.
But today, are you kidding? Yeah. These kids, that would be the first thing they would do is try to get me thrown off.
They don't want to hear anything they don't already agree with. They don't want their minds pried open.
And you know what? Let somebody else do it. Yeah.
Okay. I'll do it from my perch here in L.A.
I'll be a little white tower about this one. No, I could see where you, because you do speak about them a lot on your show, which is, you know.
I mean, I don't do it because I have anything against, you know, people in their 20s. I probably spend more time with people in their 20s than most people of my age do.
But I love kids. I mean, there's an exuberance that you cannot quench.
There's a love of life and of possibility. And it's all the things we know about youth.
But I'm not going to hold my tongue when they embrace stupid ideas. And, of course, then they'll just say, you know, the tritest, easiest, most erroneous thing lobbed at people like us is, you're old, now it's about just get off my lawn.
It's like, okay, so you put zero amount of thinking into the actual point I'm making. You didn't engage with the actual idea.
If you did that, I would respect you. But when it's just like, you're old, get off my lawn, oh, wow, you learned a cliche about age, and you noticed I'm a lot older than you.
But what about the idea? Am I right? Should we bring communism back? Because I think it's a bad idea. Maybe because I remember what happened the first time and you don't care to learn.
But somehow I'm the asshole? Yeah, I don't have that issue when I do my stand-up. But do you ever...
Why? What do you mean? I don't talk about the things that you talk about. No, but your stuff, obviously, look, your stuff is universal.
Oh, I still don't think I'd go over with a college crowd. I don't think.
That's why I didn't go over at the Gator Growl, I don't think. Oh, so you didn't? No.
This was 30 years ago, and I remember 30,000 people, I remember after about five three or four minutes hearing a girl from about 10,000 people over and I heard her voice go you better start being funny oh yeah and oh yeah that kind of shit it was rough that's rough and that's not early in your career career. That's after you're a big success.
Well, it wasn't. It was the second year of the TV show.
To most people, having your own show is a big success. Yeah.
I mean, it wasn't the cultural landmark it became, but it was a success. Yeah.
You know, it was like when I was on Politically Incorrect. Yeah.
It wasn't a giant, you know, but it was, you know,

that's a success for when we started.

That's our goal.

Yeah, well, that's why they had me there, yeah.

But whatever.

I remember we were supposed to spend the night there,

and I told my manager was there,

and I said, let's just go to the airport.

And the airport was like 40 minutes away,

so it must have been somewhere.

But do you have... And I said, let's just go.
Let's just get out of here. Yeah.
I didn't even want to sleep in the town. I wanted to get...
We slept at the airport. I once did horribly on a gig I was not ready to do yet in 1980 in Cleveland in a restaurant.
In a restaurant, did terribly, like almost to the point of, you know, asked to leave. Almost asked to leave level bad, you know? Like in the middle of your? No, it just like it did not work.
It was a tough room. I was a real rookie.
And it's just, and then the next day, wouldn't you know, I get snowed in and I'm at the airport for 12 hours watching them like plow the runway. Just wanting to get this city off me.
Get home. Not that it's the city's fault, but just I wanted to get Cleveland off me, get home and take a shower.
And I have to live with it for 12 hours. Did you ever do cruises, cruise ships? Oh, no.
I paid my dues. I can prove it, but that is a, I've had beer cans thrown at me opening for rock stars, but I will not do a cruise.
Yeah, well then, because then you're with the audience for the next five days. And I only did it twice.
And the second, first time went okay. Second time they had, they said, we're going to have late night comedy.
And me and the other comedian were like, we did a regular show. And then they said, now it's late night comedy the next night.
And it was still us. It was still us.
And so, yes. Right.
Of course, it didn't go well. And I remember walking, you know, in a cruise ship.
I was walking to my room, and I'm, you know, this way, this way. And I hear the people, a couple, well, where do they get these guys from? And they turn the corner as I'm walking towards them it's not wide enough to just walk by we have to shimmy this way like our faces and he just insulted me and I got him like Was he aware that it was Oh yeah, it was me it was only two comics.
Wow. Now that I.

And then you're living on the boat with them

for the next couple of days.

It's kind of like you do a show at a club or somewhere,

and right, you're just, the club is with you

for the next two days.

That's how ridiculous it is.

Yeah.

And so like when you're at the buffet,

you would see people, and did anybody come up to you

at the buffet?

No, I don't think.

And hey, you were good last night?

I don't know. I probably stayed in the room and stayed laid low for a while.
People think they're doing you a big favor when they say, I laughed. I'm sort of like, fuck you.
So did lots of people. You know, what's funny is you think you're immune to that now at this point in your career.

No.

And basically, well, you kind of, for the most part, you are.

Because they're coming to see you now.

Yes.

But people can still damn with faint praise.

Yes.

And we work so hard at what we do.

Stand up, especially. I've talked about with Jerry, you know, why I might stop doing it at least for a while.
Yeah, I saw that. Just like it's playing the cello.
You have to practice two hours every day or whatever it is with the cello. And it's that kind of thing.
And I love that. And I have loved it.
I will miss it if I don't do it. But yeah, you've got to be on it.
Or, I mean, it doesn't matter who you. To do a show, to do a one-hour show, yes.
You can't just pop up. The more popular you are and the more the audience loves you, and yes, when you've been around as long as us, the people who come to see you really do love you.
You just don't want to disappoint. No.
You just want to give them what they want you to give them and give them the best version of it. But you know what? The thing that I miss, because I still like to play.
When I go to New York, I go to the cellar. Any night I can go, I go.
Really? You still play the old clubs? There's just the cellar. I do the cellar.
But still, that's amazing. I live 11, I have an apartment, 11 minutes, I can walk there.
And I still get charged up, yeah. And I, you know, nobody knows you're there.
And I do 20 minutes. Like you go over the yellow legal pad and just, because they're new stuff? I do a couple new...
I try a couple new things, but otherwise... Oh, you just do your regular act? Well, if I'm doing 20 minutes, I'll have...
Yes, I will have a piece of paper with thoughts and ideas. I hope so.
Try this, try this, try this, try this. I don't have 20 minutes of it.
All right. But these people are getting you for a bargain basement price.
The least you can do is try out new material on them. They don't.
But most of them don't know the stuff, even the older stuff. Not old, but whatever.
No, but I'm just saying. I don't do anything I did on the one special I did a couple years ago.
I retired that material. That audience is there for you to use.
That's a showcase club. That's different than a real club or a real theater.
But it's... They're only paying, what, $5 to get in? Well, it's a little more than that.
Yeah. Well, it was when I was there.
Well, when's the... Did you do The Cellar? Yes.
I was talking to... I think it was Sondra Bernhardt who was recently here, and I mentioned the funny night where I was so bad that when I left, the emcee, Bill Grundfest, said, bad man went away.
Oh, yeah, I remember hearing that. That wasn't Sandra, because I listened to her yesterday.
It might have been Seinfeld. Again, another...
Oh, so you didn't go there, frequent it a lot. I did.
There was a time when I remember because you were a big act, which is like, okay, my third year in comedy. Okay, you can work all the clubs and then you do because you're greedy.
First of all, you want the stage time,

but you also want the money, you know,

which was just basically like glorified cab fare.

We're talking about $15, $20.

But if you worked on the weekends where there was an early show and a late show, if you worked all the clubs,

that would be six sets.

I did that frequently.

Me too.

And, of course, the sets were fine.

It was like you were getting into cabs.

I drove.

I don that frequently. Me too.
And of course, the sets were fine. It was like you were getting into cabs and...
I drove. I drove.
I drove from Queens and I would pop here. To all the different clubs? And where would you park? If I had to park my hydrant, I'd park and run in.
See, that's better than what I did because you were always sweating getting to the next set because you booked three sets in a two-hour time span. Yes, yes, and you just made it.
I did, my record was seven. I did seven.
I remember running often from the cab to the stage. Yeah.
Like you walk, you come into the club, and they're like, they're waiting for you. Come in, and they push you on.
Yeah, and your clubs were the strip, this catch, and... Improv, strip, catch, and then...
Stand-up New York. And then I remember doing Comedy Cellar.
But that was, like, so far downtown that it was hard to get to the... You know what it's like now, the cellar? It's...
Because when I started, they were lucky to have an audience on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, you know? They would have the the staff sit there and you would have to go. You would have to go up for the staff.
So people walking down would see that they were they thought they were customers. And yeah.
But now. Do you know, it's like the hottest.
It's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, three shows a night. Three shows.
Three shows. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.
Four Friday, four Saturday. And a waiting list only.
Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah.
And now he's buying. Good for him.
He's buying another. And, yeah, they opened the one around the corner where the Village Underground was.
That's all comedy now. And then he just bought the McDonald's.
The McDonald's went out of business. And he bought it.
No one bought it. And he's going to open up there so the the what we did where we had to go uptown downtown this time that's it you could stay on

one corner on that friday and do seven shows and never leave that never leave that one block radius

yeah yeah but it didn't teach them grit right they did they came out a bunch of pussies okay

that's what you get when you put all the comedy clubs on one quarter yes we had to i mean i i

I don't know. grit, right? They came out a bunch of pussies, okay? That's what you get when you put all the comedy clubs on one quarter.
We had to, I mean, I do look back and shudder, but I also look back and am in a way so grateful that I had to, we were talking about this in my office today because we have Abigail Schreier on this week and her book is about this, that kids just are not asked to go through things anymore.

Like, if you're, you know, if the math test stresses you out,

don't take it.

It's OK.

You know, and so they don't have the memory of, like, accomplishing something when they're young,

of overcoming something, even shyness, you know.

I mean, no one was more shy than I was.

There was no suggestion than I was.

There was no suggestion that this was some sort of defect

of humanity, and so, you know, just...

Yeah.

You're a marginalized victim of something.

You were just shy.

Yeah.

And get over it.

It's not the world's problem.

It's your problem. All right, all right.
And again, this is where they go, get off my lawn. It's like, engage with the idea.
Is the idea wrong? Argue with me on that level. I will respect you.
Hey, I'll be at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino June 21st and 22nd in Las Vegas. The Orpheum in Minneapolis, Minnesota, July 13th, and the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee on July 14th.
July 26th, the MGM Music Hall at Fenway Park, Boston, Massachusetts, and July 27th, Toyota Oakdale Theater in Wallingford, Connecticut. I learned so much about Jerry Seinfeld this last month because of all the promotion he did and all the shows he did.
I've known this guy for a very long time. And look up to him, not a phrase I use with very many people.
And also just deeply, deep friendship with him. But I didn't know a lot of these things.
I saw him say to Howard Stern,

like, the secret to life is getting comfortable or

something like that with your

torture. Because he was saying to Howard,

all day long, all I'm doing

all the time is looking for bits.

And Howard said, that sounds like torture.

And Jerry said, it is. The secret of

life is to just

find the torture that you're comfortable with.

Something like that. And he said, he

mentioned that and then

Thank you. And Jerry said, it is.
The secret of life is to just find the torture that you're comfortable with. Something like that.
And he said, he mentioned that, and then marriage, kids, it's all that. Are you? That is not my life philosophy.
Do you look for bits all the time? Because I don't. No.
I don't either. Even when I was young and didn't have three kids.
Yeah. And was just crazy like, finding bits everywhere because it's, like, this new thing and you're actually getting paid for it, even if it's $35.
I remember literally in bed, like, in the middle of coitus, writing something down on the nightstand without taking my dick out of the punani. I mean, that is a love of comedy, ladies and gentlemen.
But I'm the same way. The bits would, especially with kids, because I started talking about that, and it would happen, and I would say, hold on, and I would write it down and then go to it later.
That's the thing. I was never a purposeful creator.
That's Jerry and Bill Cosby. Same thing.
You have to write every day, get in front of the yellow legal pad, whatever. I could never do that.
I was more the, I'll get stoned. Funny things will fall out of my mouth.
Just be vigilant about writing them down. Now, over the course of my lifetime, this is one of my big bugaboos, that lots of gold I let fall to the ground.
Because I didn't write it down at the time. Because I said, I'll remember.
And I'm like, oh, fuck, what was that bit? It was going to work perfectly. But I would say over the course of my lifetime, I probably guesstimating got 67.2% of what I thought of.
I did record. When you were high? Well, all my life.
All my life. Restaurants.
I mean, I have... Yeah, same for me.
Same for me. I wasn't one who said, time to write.
I didn't set my clock and say, time to write. But when I had premises and bits, oh shit, that's something funny.
I would put it in the book. Then at some point, I had to stretch it out and make it into something.
And it's work. It's like homework a little bit.
But then when you get on stage and when you get a laugh from something, that's the payoff. Playing the cello, it takes a lot of practice, but it's worth it when you're up there with the orchestra and you're getting the big laughs.
But do you miss, because the one thing I miss is as hard as it was back then, but when you were good, when you got better and you were a stand-up, is going on in front of a crowd that had never seen you before. Because that's never going to happen again.
That's what I miss is going up in a room full of strangers, and they paid their cover charge, and now here comes this guy, and now it's your job, and there's a little bit of a, you know, you've got to prove yourself to them and winning that audience over. That's the thing I hated the most.
I swear to God. Now, that probably...
Wait, but I'm talking about when it worked. When it worked, it was great.
Well, that's... I'm sure it was, but...
But you like it... And it doesn't speak highly for my character in this sense, because it does come off as a little haughty.
I would rather have been like you. That's the preferable way to be.
No, I'm going to win you over. I was more haughty about it.
You're talking about if they gave you attitude during your set, right? Then you would be kind of like Larry David was like that, where Larry would turn on the audience. First of all, I, I wasn't, yes.
I'm not talking about that. When you're starting, you're not great.
That's part of the equation. But another part is that, you know, when I play now, and for God knows how long, I'm attracting the people who know what they're getting.
Yeah. So it's my audience.
So the stuff works because they're my people. Yes.
When you're in the clubs, it's not that. It's potluck audience.
And a lot of times I did have great jokes that went over their head. See, I could see where you, there's a difference.
Mine stuff is more mainstream, right? So I know you're not talking about just specifically political humor, but you do have stuff. But mine's neither.
Whoever you are, you could probably identify with something I'm saying. I was never meant to be like this mass act that was going to play stadiums.
I'm more like HBO. HBO is, you know, Netflix has thousands more movies, and it's great, but HBO is a boutique place.
It has a great audience, a nice-sized audience, but it's not the biggest thing, and that's as best as I can do or want to do with the kind of crowd. I'd much rather have that smaller audience that's more sophisticated.
Yes. I mean, that's what I'm selling is sophistication.
I mean, I owe it to my New Jersey upbringing. But there's a lot of entertainment is just not sophisticated.
When I was a kid, and I'm sure there were people who were like, you vulgar potty mouth, you think you're sophisticated? Well, you know, in this arena that we're in, where everything is like very unsophisticophisticated, you know, like, I like this lane. Yeah.
You know? But it is always going to be somewhat smaller. Do you think it's gotten smaller? Has it gotten smaller? No, no, it's gotten bigger.
But it has a ceiling. Right.
Because it's, you know. Not your audience, but in general.
Yes, my audience. In general.
No, my. Specifically, my audience has a ceiling.
Much more. Yours has a much bigger arc, I feel.
Right. I mean, not to.
Yeah. What I'm.
We're not competing. No, I don't.
I love you as you are. Oh, I can click.
We have to. And it's just different.
It's just different. And that's what's good.
Is that, you know, it's like. Yours is different from mine.
Mine's different from Seinfeld. It's like in The Godfather when Don Corleone says to Brasini, you know, like, good luck with your business.
I'm not going to invest, but for Joe, interest don't conflict with mine. You know? Yeah.
We don't walk the same... We would be good on the same show because we both...
I was going to say, could we co-headline? Yeah, we'd be great because we both appeal to a sophisticated audience, but it's just two sides of the thing. Right.
So do you want to? Yeah, I would love it. I've been...
You know, I used to... I did the Mirage with Spade.
Spade and I did the Mirage. We would co-headline.
I was like, I could do it myself, and I have been doing it myself now. But now the Mirage is closing, you know, so I went to the Venetian.
I'm at the Venetian. But I was like, it's more fun doing 30 minutes.
You know what? That's a great, you know, that's a great compromise I should think about for instead of just not doing it doing it at all. Do a little co? Well, maybe do something.
And then we did a Q&A. So instead of 90 minutes, you do one hour.
Is that right? We had an opener. And then David would do 25 minutes.
I would do 35 minutes. And then we'd both come out and do a little Q&A thing for 10 minutes.
Yeah. Yeah.
And it was like so really, you know, when you got to do, do you do an hour and a half? Yeah. Wow.
Well, you got to, because it's just you. In Vegas, though? Yes.
Don't you have an opener? Don't you have an opener? No. No, no, no.
I don't have an opener. Yeah.
I don't want to. I can't do it.
I don't want to do an hour and a half. No, I don't.
I never want to. I get tired of myself for 45 minutes.
Well, it goes fast. But I mean, that's one reason I'm thinking about, you know, hanging it up for this.
It's a. Well, you want to do your editorials, right? That I want to do forever.
Yeah. That I want.
Because that's. but they're different every week.
You know, I mean, an act is something you build. And I always love that.
I'm a builder by nature. But it is like building a ship inside of a bottle.
It's just a more elegant way to do it. Or maybe less elegant.
I don't know. Some people like a ship in a bottle.
I like an act. But you're constantly tinkering and making it.
And is that good or bad?

I love it.

I love tinkering.

But with your editorials, you can only tinker up to the point where you say it the first time.

And then you don't get to go.

Yeah, but I have all week.

Right.

But you know, with your act, you get feedback from the audience.

Of course.

And then you tinker a little more.

Oh, I know.

Yeah, of course.

It's all that.

It's that they're the director. Right.
I'm the actor and they're the director. And it's great.
No, I love that. I'll miss that.
I know what you're going to do. I understand the kick you're getting out of doing your thing.
Because that's why I'm doing, that's why I wrote the movie. Yeah.
You always got like a million fucking things going. No.
No, really. As far as like actual projects, I read more about your shit.
Yeah, but you read about the announced stuff. Yeah.
What's the next one you have? I bet you have one. I'm supposed to do a biopic on Jim Valvano.
You know Jim Valvano? No, Who's that? You should know him. He was college basketball.
He was the- Oh, I don't follow college sports, really. Take it easy.
No. I have a very, this is a sore point because people are on your case now if you don't follow women's basketball.
Yeah. And my answer is, I don't follow women's basketball for the same reason I don't follow college basketball.
I only want to watch athletes at their very best. That's not a knock on any of them.
I don't watch golf. I don't watch hockey.
I don't watch soccer. Sports is a waste of time.
I enjoy it. You need a waste of time.
But I'd like to limit that. So I'm only going to watch baseball, football, and basketball, and mostly only in the playoffs.
Except for football, that's every week. They're at their very best in the other sports.
You just aren't into those sports. But that's the same sport.
It's the same sport. Oh, you mean the best in that sport? Yeah.
Oh, I see. I mean, even, and I watch big tennis matches, too.
Of course they're great. The women athletes are great, but women and men are different.
Yeah. Okay? And even Serena Williams said, she kind of backed up McEnroe when he said, you know.
Oh, yeah, that's ridiculous. That's the number 300 player could beat her? Something like that.
Yeah, yeah. And she said, yeah.
I mean, it's just when you play against a man, it just comes in faster. Right, right.
You know, because of nature, because of biology, which I'm sure the kids are very angry about me even mentioning, how dare you bring up biology in a discussion about biology? But yeah, biology matters, kids. Again, engage with the idea.
Engage with the idea. Don't just say, get off my lawn.
Well, where is everybody on that, on males who become females participating in female sports? Where is that now? Are they allowing it? It's a great question. I don't think it's settled.
People have different ideas. One is a third division.
Yeah, the division where they compete with each other, right? The LGBTQ division, like males, females, and everybody else. Whatever stripe.
I never understand why the LGBTQ community wants to be lumped in like that. It's so, you know, remember Gilligan's Island theme? And the rest.
And the rest. That was only two people for crying out loud.
You couldn't just say, and then they did. The amount it takes to say, and the rest, you could fit in Mary Ann and whatever.
The professor and Mary Ann. Oh, then they did.
Yeah, then they did. Because their agent got on the phone and said, come on.
Yeah. What was their credit? You may have seen her as The Rest.
She played one of The Rest on Gilligan's Island. Anyway, that's my analogy to the LGBT.
There's so many different... But we were talking about sport.
Oh, yes. What were you going to say there before I...
Well, Jim Valvano was a... Oh, Jim Valvano, yes..
He's the coach who's the Jimmy V, you know, the Jimmy V with the ESPY awards. You have to educate me on college.
I know nothing. Jimmy V, he coached NC State in the 80s when they beat.
That's Duke? No, NC State? North Carolina State. That's Duke? No, it's North Carolina State.
Duke is Duke. North Carolina State.
Yeah. Duke is, they're both in North Carolina.
Yeah. I thought one was that.
No, Duke is. I thought North Carolina State was at Duke or something.
Duke University, that's Coach K, and North Carolina State was Jim Volvano. He was an Italian guy from Queens.
And he was this fish out of water that became this coach who... You play him? Yeah.
One of the biggest upsets was when they beat Yusit in the NCAA championship. I don't even know this, but I think you're perfect for it.
No, really. Just listening to this, it does sound like you are.
You know who... If you see him, you know, because he gave a famous ESPY speech.
The first year of the ESPYs, he gave the speech about don't give up, don't ever give up when he was dying. He died two months after that.
He died like 10 years after he won the championship. Anyway, whatever.
Can I tell you a college sports story about Mr. T? Yes.
So it's 1983. I'm on the set of DC Cab.
Yes. Mr.
T. Yes.
And, you know, a lot of time in between shots, as you well know. Yeah.
All your acting work. And I'm doing the New York Times crossword puzzle because that's what 27-year-old actor Billy Marr did.
What day? What day of the week was it? I don't know. Good question.
One I could handle. Because I do the Monday and Tuesdays.
Yeah. OK, so I say, and the theme was college sports teams.
And I'm struggling. And I say, hey, Mr.
T, do you know what the name of the Penn State team is? Nittany Lions. And I'm like, oh, my god, it does fit, Nittany Lions.
I said, hey, why did they call them nittany lines?

He goes, I should know what some stupid white man did.

Remember it to this day.

How should I know what the white man did?

What some stupid white man did.

It was just, it was either, you know, that was his character. It was surly.
Were you a Rocky guy? Rocky was big in my childhood. Of course.
Well, the movie, you mean? Yeah, the movie. Well, I was 20 when Rocky came out.
Yeah, I was 18, yeah. So, I mean, it was a big movie, but I had much bigger problems when I was 20.
I mean, that's right in that age where you're just, you're an adult, but you're, I always call it the infancy of adulthood. Because just like an infant, when you're an infant adult, which is 18, 19, 20, you're powerless in the same way you were when you were an infant.
Like, everyone is more powerful than you about everything, you know. You don't really get to control your own life, whether it's what you can afford and, like, what you have to do to survive.
Were you home still? No, I was in college. You know, again, by living in places I didn't want to live with people I didn't want to live with.
You're not controlling your life, just like an infant. I don't think I liked childhood because I wasn't in control.
I'm smaller. People can boss me around, tell me what to do.
It all just grated against me. Yeah, but there's also something special about being a child and not having all the shit that you have now as an adult, the knowledge of it.
Everything is magic, kind of, isn't it, as a child? There is a magic still. There's an innocence.
For me, the magic came later. You know, there is magic in life.
There absolutely is. That explains the stripper pole? You're sitting by a stripper pole.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, people are just, you know, molded into different personality types. And I know from talking to parents, they always tell me, like, you can tell at the age of two what they're going to be like.
Like, oh, that's a wild one, you know? I wouldn't know this, but is that what you found? I don't know if that's true. My 26, my youngest, was a lot of, him and my wife just, boom.
Punched each other? No, no, no, no. What? Just butted heads so much.
That's odd for a boy to butt heads with the mom.

Usually the boy butts heads with the dad.

Well, yeah.

I mean, he did.

He did.

He was not easy.

He was not an easy kid.

You know, he was rebellious.

He's the youngest.

He's the youngest.

Is there a syndrome with being?

And he got out of it.

He grew out of it.

I mean, he was a kid.

I laugh sometimes. He would, I remember when he was eight and he was trying to go outside.
And I was like, Joe, you can't go out without your shoes on. And he just looked at me and went, my shoes are on.
And he was in bare feet, standing there in bare feet. That's like something Trump would do.
Really? My shoes are on. Yes, I've made that now.
But he's mellowed out. Yeah, I've heard that story.
I hear a lot about kids in their 20s and teens because my friends are always talking about their kids or if I'm close with them, I ask them about them. And I've heard this story also.
The kid who is just not getting his shit together, and it's almost always a boy, not a girl. It's the boys who are in crisis more than the girls at that age.
Well, girls are too with suicide. That's my experience.
My daughter is the oldest, and she was the A student, hard worker, go work, get a job, do this. And the boys were more like me.
I was not that. I flunked.
I went to three high schools. I flunked out of two high schools.
Flunked out? Yeah. But from not, from just being irresponsible, from just cutting school, not going, not caring, just wanting to have.
I was the exact opposite. You were? Exact opposite.
I was number seven in my class, which was as high as I, I mean, that's about right. I'm not the smartest.
That tracks, though. That tracks.
Yeah. No, I was definitely afraid of not doing well in school.

Yeah.

I didn't know what they were.

It's not like my parents were going to beat me.

I mean, they weren't.

They, you know, that's not who I'm.

I finally graduated high school.

I went to college.

I went to Queens College.

But I would register.

I would get, here's what I would do.

This, you know, I talk about stupidity.

I would get a student loan.

I would register. There'd be money left over on that student loan, and I would have money all of a sudden.
And my parents thought I was going to college, and I would leave the house and never go. Really? Yeah.
And so after, like, two years probably, I had 20 credits, you know. And then as I got a little older, I got a little more serious,

and I went back.

I studied accounting, and I got about 100 credits.

And I never graduated, but I actually graduated.

I got a two-year degree, but I never got the four-year degree.

But when did you, where in your childhood did you have the idea that you wanted to be a comedian?

Or was it not in childhood at all?

My teenage years.

Teenage years?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was always a fan of comedy, stand-up, too.

I knew before I was 10.

Yeah.

Like, I always wanted to do that.

I was probably the class clown, I guess. Class comedian.
Different than the clown. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The clown threw spitballs. The comedian said things that even the teacher sometimes laughed at.
Did you ever make the teacher laugh? I don't remember that. That's when I knew I was fucking sophisticated.
I had nuns. The nuns didn't laugh.
Yeah, yeah. But I used to work in the theater.
I used to, in a movie theater. I was an usher.
And I remember it was a Neil Simon movie. Oh.
And I remember I would know exactly every moment in that movie. And I'd be out in the lobby, you know, sweeping up the popcorn, whatever.
And I knew when a funny part was coming up, and I wanted to go in there and listen to the audience. I wanted to have the audience experience.
And I wanted, yeah, to feel that. This was, I didn't know that I wanted to go in there and listen to the audience.
I wanted to have the audience experience,

and I wanted, yeah, to feel that.

This was, I didn't know that I wanted to do stand-up yet,

but I knew I was, that's what, I was drawn to that, you know?

And then stand-up was just,

I had heard about an audition night at the improv.

Someone told me about, once a month they do audition night,

and I got five minutes up, and that was the first time. And then when I do think about an audition night at the improv.
Someone told me about once a month they do audition night. And I got five minutes up, and that was the first time.
When I do think about those years, what mostly stands out is being able to just survive on fumes. Like, what was I actually surviving on? It wasn't money.
It wasn't any women. it wasn't the promise of a better tomorrow, because that certainly was in doubt.
Whether you were going to make it as a comic, it seemed very far away. It was the one thing it kind of had was the respect of some of those people who were a little ahead of you, the ones who said, yes, you passed the audition, you're a funny guy, you know? That is really what I was surviving on in those years.
But also the audience, right? You liked that feeling. No, because it wasn't that either.
Yes, you would bomb. Well, first year, I don't think I even get on stage.
First of all, you have to hang out at the club for a long time. Okay.
Then you get on last. Right.
Listen, that's what I tell them. We talked about this earlier, but I never got to it.
The first few years is the hardest thing, I think, in any business. I always say it.
First two years. Yes, you go on like you said.
You hang out, you go on last. So now you're the comic who's up in front of three drunks and two people.
Yes. And you're the guy who can't handle that.
Exactly. You don't have the experience for that.
It's kind of like what they do in medical school when they make you go to a residency and work 80 hours a week. Because that's who you want looking at you is some bleary-eyed, I know what it's like to be overtired, to think that they do that in hospitals.
But yes, you go on last. David Say, God bless him, loves him, still love him if he's around, once brought me on with the words, here's the last guy, I forget his name.
And then walked off the other side of the stage into the bathroom at Cats Arising. That's funny.
I love his memories. I really do.
Because they're memories. I want to relive them.
Like people say, would you like to go back? Not if I have to relive that, no. Yeah.
Well, no. But I don't, I look fondly back at when I was a comic, and I was a working comic in the city, and my kids were little, so that was hard, too.
But I kind of am nostalgic about that. Of course.
What did your kids think when they were little and Daddy was a celebrity? I'm always I'm always fascinated about that moment. Paul McCartney tells that story about his kid when he was little, and he said he was riding by on a pony, and the little kid goes, hey, you're Paul McCartney.
You know, the moment it dawns on the kid that the parent is also this personage. I mean, well, I remember when I was a working comic, and my daughter was the only, when my daughter was born, we didn't have any, she was like three.
And I had a gig in Delaware. I had a drive-to gig in Delaware.
And my wife decided to come away with my daughter. So she's in the back of the room with my daughter, and she's three.
She doesn't know what I do. Right? And she's coloring in the room.
I'm on stage now, in the room. You know, my wife's with her.
And I'm on stage, and after about five minutes, I'm getting laughs. I'm getting laughs.
This is what my wife told me. And my daughter just looked up and went, daddy's funny.

That's funny.

So she didn't know what I was doing,

but she realized I was making people laugh, I guess.

Terrible if she did.

Daddy's bombing.

Daddy's doing that same shit he does.

Daddy's a hack.

Jesus Christ. Daddy needs to change the tag on that one.
Oh, yeah. The Gilligan's Island routine, Dad.
Yeah. Boy, right.
But you know, my kids came to the show. When I got the show, so my twins were like three, four, when the show started.

And the show was on for nine years.

So we moved to L.A.

You know, we were in New York when I got the show.

And the first year, I went back and forth. We didn't move out because I didn't know if it was going to get canceled or not, you know.

So my wife and kids stayed in New York.

Second year, we moved out.

All right, so now I'm on a show. My kids are three.
When the show goes off to the air, they're 12. So that's basically how they know daddy's universe, you know? And now it ends.
Right. And they took it harder than I did.
My twins are 12 years old now. It was not an easy...
Because they couldn't get a good table anymore? They knew we were going to fly private, but the transition was hard, man. I mean, it was...
I don't want to get into details, but it was rough for them, yeah. And I realized, yeah, all of a sudden that world that they saw Daddy in ends, and I don't know.
Do you remember that? Of course you do. You did it.
Why? I said, do you remember that show? You did. After I loved that show.
It was like a dramedy. Men of a Certain End.
Yes. With Scott Bakula, right? And Andre Brower.
And Andre Brower. That really spoke to me.
I mean, at the time of my life, that was a very... I mean, that's on the list of things I'm most proud of.
Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah, I don't blame you.
That's a really... Yeah.
It was a really... I mean, it was just two seasons, and we won a Peabody Award, which means you're in danger of getting canceled.
It means people think there's quality there, but nobody's watching, really. A month after we won the Peabody Award, we got canceled, yeah.
What is the Peabody Award? I don't know. The guy Peabody is a guy.
I've certainly heard of it. He was a guy, some smart guy from some college, university, and they named an award after him.
I have zero respect for any awards. It used to be a stone in my shoe, and now I love it.
I don't want them to give me anything because they're almost like the media. They've exposed themselves to be just not something people respect for good reason.
Like an Oscar? Any of them. Emmys is my category.
But also Peabody. I mean, Larry King, every time I saw you, he would say, you are more like Mark Twain than anybody that we've had in a long time.
And I would take it as a great compliment. Now, I don't know if that's gospel or if it's true, but it always amused me that the Mark Twain Award did give out the award to like 20 people who might have been, I'm sure there are many of them, all of them probably are fine comics, but are not like Mark Twain.
There's one guy who's actually like Mark Twain much more than the people. Again, great actors, comics as they are.
That kind of stuff is very funny to me. Did you, you never did the Washington Press correspondence dinner, right? I did.
You did? Yes, I did it in 95. I did it too.
Yeah, what year? Clinton? Yes. Yeah, Clinton.
And I did it for, and that's the reason they had me, because that was during, what's her name? What's her name? Oh, the woman who had the affair with Clinton. Monica Lewinsky? Monica Lewinsky, yeah.
It was during Monica Lewinsky, and so they hired the innocuous. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, they didn't make that cagey calculation with me.
And I remember I said one bad word. I did say the word fuck in front of the president of the United States.
And the next year, People Magazine wrote about whoever was hosting, and they said, they wrote, last year Bill Maher delivered an obscenity-laced monologue. I loved it.
In one year, one fuck became an obscenity-laced monologue. Oh, that's a...
For them, one fuck is all it takes. How did it go over with...
You know, it's a shit room, because first of all, like, nobody wants to be seen laughing at what they're not supposed to be laughing at. Right.
So you do need a juggler or somebody who is not political at all. The mistake they make is going, oh, this is a political event.
We'll get the political comedian. It's the last person you should get.
I look at mine and think, I shouldn't have done it because. No, I wish I hadn't.
Well, but you for that reason, me for the reason of, you should speak to what's going on. You should make jokes about, I wasn't even aware.
No, the one person, and he and I are not really friendly. I don't know why.
I don't hate him at all, and I hope he doesn't hate me. Stephen Colbert.
Some people just don't vibe. But I got to give it the one he did in front of Bush when he was in character.
Yeah. Was genius.
And was the best one anybody ever did. Right.
And was ballsy. Yeah.
It was everything that, to me, marks excellence. It was truly funny.
It was original, and it was courageous. And it spoke to what was going on at the time, right? Colin, did you see this? Here's Colin Jones.
I thought he did a good job. No.
Yeah. You know he is.
Of course. Yeah, I'm sure he did.
He's a brilliant joke writer. Yeah.
But I remember I just did my act. And I said, I don't do political.
I just do my act. And they said, yeah.
That's good. They said, we'll pay you double.
That's what they need to do. But then, you know, Arianna Huffington's looking at you like, why is he up there? You know? Exactly.
But you never did anything, to your great credit, that like embarrassed your kids, your family. I mean, so many stars have to walk some sort of walk of shame because they just...
Well, I've done movies. I've done stuff that hasn't...
That's not... You've had bombs had bombs everybody has bombs that's not the same thing i'm talking about you know getting out of your car and you could see your ball you know just anything that brings like where people i always say it this way whenever you if you can get through show business life without ever doing anything where it made people go, oh.

Yeah, but you've never done it. Only things you've said.
Things you've said, right? Let's not go there with me. But things you've said.
But you're the guy. That's your job.
Your job is to go. Part of it is, yes.
And I've also done stupid things. But yes, it's much more likely if you're mixing dangerous chemicals

that there's going to be something blow up.

Or to use another analogy, you are going to make more errors

at third base than second base.

Yes.

There's just more sharply hit grounders your way.

Right.

But you're the guy.

Yeah. You're the guy in the arena.
I want to play the hot corner. Yeah.
They don't call it the hot corner for nothing. So you don't even drink or you do drink? I don't drink.
You know. I have vices.
I have my vices. What? I gamble too much.
Really? You gamble like heavy money? No, not heavy money, but I was in Vegas yesterday. We went for a poker tournament.
I drove home this morning. I got home at 1.30 this morning.
A poker tournament? Yeah, there's a... You mean you're that serious about poker? Yeah, but it's nothing.
The stakes are low. How how much is lower do you not want to say because this was a it's a world series of poker they have tournaments every day for three months this was a thousand dollar buy-in you you put a thousand dollars in then so how much can you lose it that's it a thousand balls it's that's how much the entry is for each hand or no no no no oh1,000 entry.
There's 3,000 people who are in the tournament. They play, and when you get knocked out, you're eliminated.
They play until there's one winner, but they're like the top 400 cash in. I never understood gambling, why it was amusing to people.
It just made me nervous. I'm losing money slowly.
I realize that even if I'm up, I won't be in five minutes. You know, it's just I'm just going to slowly lose this money, which is OK if you know you're going to lose it to begin with.
But to, like, really go there thinking and then be so disappointed because, of course, you know, you're not supposed to win in a casino. Well, you know what? They say psychologically the gambler really wants to lose.
Is that right? I don't get it. I don't get that, but they say subconsciously.
Really? Yeah. They want to punish themselves.
Well, you know, I think it was one of those Jimmy the Greek, maybe somebody said the most favorite thing for him to do in his life is to gamble and win. And his second most favorite thing is to gamble and lose.
Yeah. Is that right? Yeah.
It's just the thrill. Yeah.
You know, I mean, I've never got a thrill. I also think it's amazing what they get away with.
I don't know if you saw recently, but the Supreme Court heard this ruling about affirmative action at colleges. It was brought mostly by Asians who said they were being discriminated at Harvard and a number of other schools.
Because, you know, if you admit it, if you just did it by blind admittance, like 50% of Harvard would be Asian. They just do well.
When I'm saying anything about anybody, the Asians, they can fucking do it. So they were kind of penalized for winning at the game.
And I feel like the same thing goes on in a casino. Like a card counter, that's not cheating.
No, I know. That's what I say, too.
Cheating is if I have a piece in my ear, and there's a guy across the way. You can see the card.
That's cheating. Card counting is just being good at it.
I agree with you. Just being good.
He's not breaking any rules. No.
He's just good at it, and you throw him out for being good? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's...
I'm running as a one-issue candidate on this and only this. This is my one issue.
I can't take it anymore in this country. I agree.
I agree. Yeah, what is he doing? He's just being smart, that's all.
He's just... All right, do you have anything to plug? I got to pee.
I have a movie that I'm in coming out July 11th that I'm... Well, look, this is the worst plug I've ever seen in my...
Yeah, it's like an old Jewish man on the porch. I'll not delete.
I don't want to bother anybody with my movie. It'll be a nuisance to you.
If you're there. If you're there.
I'm fine here on the porch. I don't need to come in.
If it's raining and you got nowhere to go. Anyway, the movie's called Fly Me to the Moon.
Oh, okay. Fly Me to the Moon.
It's with Channing Tatum and Scarlett Johansson. July 11th comes out.
Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum? Yeah. I got a nice role.
It's not super big, but it's not... I'm guessing you're the love interest for Scarlett Johansson and Channing Tatum is just like the butt boy that you're both.
It's about Apollo 11. It's about the moon lady.
It's like a historical fiction. Oh, so it takes place in 69? Yeah.
Yeah, we went to NASA. We went to Cape Kennedy.
It was cool. But anyway, yeah, that's it, July 11th.
And then this. Well, Fly Me to the Moon is also one of the great songs of all time.
Yeah. Not just done by Sinatra, but there was a very funny movie that was done in 1997, I'm guessing, called Down with Love.
If you never saw it, I recommend it highly. It's with René Zellweger and...
From 97, yeah? Yes. It's a parody of the Rock Hudson Doris Day movies.
Yeah. So if you don't know the Rock Hudson Doris Day movies, it's not as funny.
Right. It's genius.
The writing. What's the name of it? And they have a, it's called Down With Love.
Right. But refresh yourself with the Doris Day Rock Hudson movies first.
And then they play Fly Me to the Moon as done by Astrid Roboto, who was married, I think, to the guy who wrote Antonio Carlos Jobima, wrote all those great, brought samba to America, the girl from Ipanema, tall and tan and young and lovely. And she does a rendition of Fly Me to the Moon.
So now I have, but you're saying I kind of have to watch a rock Hudson. No, but you don't remember those rock Hudson.
Yeah, kind of. You know, they were really funny.
I mean, they were of their time. And the one, the big one they did, the plot is they're on a party phone.
A party phone. People, kids have no idea what I'm talking about.
It's even before our time.

But you'd get on the phone and then be,

you have to share the line with other people.

Would you please get off this line?

I have to make a call.

I mean, it's.

Yeah, I saw, I watched Marty a little while back.

It came on somewhere.

Marty, yeah.

Talking about things that are dated.

And the mother was talking to her sister. You know, she had an Italian accent.
And she, I want Marty to get married. Come on, I wanted to see him get married.
Look at me. How long am I going to be here? I'm 57 years old.
I said, what? Right. I said, oh, no.
Well, we still have the future for us, right? All right, we're up.

All right.

You didn't have to take a break.

No, I was having too much fun.

I couldn't tear myself away from you.

You pre-gamed it, right?

Yes.

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