John Leguizamo | Club Random

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contrary to what some people think working on yourself doesn't mean you're weak or flawed it makes you less unbearable to be around that's what it does and trust me we could all use a little less unbearable thousands have already trusted rula to support them on their journey toward improved mental health and overall well-being head on over to rula.com slash random to get started today and take the first step

You deserve quality care from someone who does care.

How do you do it?

Dude, it's not easy anymore.

I used to have a photographic memory.

It's really now there's a lens cap over it.

I don't know.

The hottest woman in the whole country.

Yes, none would talk to you, but they know the hottest.

That's it.

You're

here.

Hi.

I can't see you, but.

Remember Arsenio?

Did you ever do that show?

Yeah, I did a couple times.

I love that.

How are you, bro?

How you doing, man?

I know your hand up.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't want to mess your hand up.

I wasn't.

You're already messed up.

How are you doing?

Welcome to the Left Coast.

Left Coast is awesome, man.

Do you like it here?

I do like it.

I won't live here, but I love it here.

I love visiting and getting the fuck out of here.

That's how I feel about New York.

No.

Why?

Do Do I have to love New York to be a little bit of a corporation?

I think you've got to kind of love New York because New York, come on, it's the cradle of civilization.

It's certainly not the cradle of civilization.

It is a cradle of civilization.

Okay, it doesn't.

In America, in America.

And the world.

In the world right now.

America is an all of civilization.

We do know what the cradles of civilization are.

Were, were.

I mean, they're no longer.

That's so chauvinistic.

I mean, you know, you can love your city.

New York East.

Look at my shirt.

I get it.

I know.

I lived there twice.

I'm from New Area.

My father commuted from New Jersey into New York every day.

Oh, you're from Jersey.

Oh, that's not the same.

That's not the same.

Come on.

It's not.

Okay, it's not the same.

You're right.

And I think better because I like living in the suburbs.

I don't like living in a building.

I had all the advantages of New York.

By the way, never have given up on the New York teams.

Still root for the Knicks.

Can you believe this Knicks situation?

You fire the coach before you even hire the coach?

I'm so glad they fired him.

I think he was.

I agree with you.

I don't like him because he played.

First of all, he played, he did not give them enough rest.

No, no, he wore them out.

He broke them.

He broke them.

He learned to have a larger rotation during the play.

Yes, yes.

In game four, he started to rotate.

I'm so glad you agree with me.

He started to rotate.

It put the bench in, but it just went.

And it worked.

You don't learn to play.

But it was also too late because these guys hadn't warmed up all season, hadn't gelled with the team, and they came in like maniacs.

And they still played well.

They did.

And it just showed he should have been doing that all year long.

You can't wear these guys out like that.

You can't play

people like that.

Even if they could do it physically, which we saw the year before they broke down physically, mentally.

You can't.

You can't sustain.

You can't sustain.

You can't.

No one can.

He's like a nicer Bobby Knight, that coach.

Yeah, yeah.

He's a tough dude.

I'm so glad they got rid of him.

Yeah, but they didn't do it right, though.

I mean, you got to hire coach first and then you let him go.

Damn, there's they'll get it you know i bet you jason kidd will do it

i think they can i think they can get away i don't know he's how are they going to take him away from a winning team like that i mean i know they got more money i know jim don't will go into his pockets because it's new york john it's the cradle of civilization he agrees with me i don't you got it on camera you got it on camera i'm just mocking you it's not the cradle of civilization i could name the cradles of civilization there's four of them but contemporary contemporary wise contemporary well, you know, I mean, where was the birth of hip-hop?

The birth of punk was New York City.

The greatest playwrights were coming from New York City.

The greatest writers, the yeah, come on.

There's more to civilization than what's on

the 101.5.

You know, I agree it's part of civilization.

It's music and culture.

It's not, there are other.

Poetry, dude, poetry slams.

New York and poets.

Poetry.

Come on.

Pinheiro.

All of it was happening in New York.

So, okay.

I mean, that's a part of what civilization is.

But just because it's that important to you doesn't mean it's that way for everybody.

So, so do you think most people care about it?

Is it not important to you?

What?

Punk and hip-hop is not important to you?

Important?

No.

That's what you're saying.

I don't think.

That's an affectation you've picked up.

Because you don't talk like that if you're from Jersey.

Actually, I did.

My father was a newsman.

Oh, okay.

And so

the pushing was very important in our family and speaking like that.

Yeah, I never really had the New York accent, which is good.

But I always had the New York mentality.

I mean, I think one reason I did well out here is because they lack East Coast kind of vibe out there.

They don't.

They don't have that vibe.

And when you bring it,

it stands out.

It works.

It's electric.

Yeah.

You know, we're just...

We're confrontational.

I mean, you have to be confrontational in New York because you're confronted every day by millions of people, different cultures, different economic backgrounds.

You got to be alert.

You got to be on your game.

That's what I didn't like in New York.

You came out here.

I don't want to always be on my game.

People used to say,

you know, I get my energy from the people on the street.

And I would say, I use all my energy trying to get by these people.

I don't want to have it.

No, I hear you.

I hear you.

But I love it.

I feel

like it's a lot of fun.

And that's what makes the world go around

is that we just don't agree and we're still friends because

it's a beautiful thing.

And also, it's nice that you can have a place, like you say, where you go where you don't want to live, but you still like it.

That's how I feel about New York.

A beautiful fall weekend.

Oh, my God, there's nothing like it in New York.

Trees changing

and all that.

And the plague.

It's the beginning of all the theater season and all the TV series.

Ways back to the theater.

That's my thing.

That's my thing.

I'm a theater manager.

I know you're one of the most accomplished.

Don't you have a lifetime achievement from that?

Finally.

I mean, after years of being snubbed for all my one-man shows.

Really?

You think you were snubbed?

Oh, yeah.

I feel like I was snubbed.

I feel like I was changing comedy in America in really important ways, and I don't think I was getting the recognition I deserved.

Well, I could make the same claim.

So do it.

No, because

I don't think it's a good look to you.

No, it's not a good look, but sometimes

you have to pat yourself on the back.

Otherwise, who's going to, if nobody's going to recognize you, you've got to recognize yourself.

That's the New Yorker.

that's right recognize

i mean look i'm not gonna say i've never like in this very chair bitched about my 40 emmy nominations and they never would give me one i understand why and i have bitched why why did they give it to you because i'm too truthful because i'm not woke enough because you people like you get awards because it's the woke speaking to the woke so you know it's always good and that's okay i understand that i'd much rather have the um freedom to speak always as I have completely freely and completely truthfully as I see it.

Well, it's interesting you're saying that because you're right.

People who start seeking awards and recognition

start

couching their speech and their themes to get those awards.

So you have to hit certain,

you can't say certain things.

And it works, by the way.

It works.

Yeah, yeah, it can't.

It can't work.

Because, I mean, voters, you know, the award voters, they absolutely confuse the actor with the part

very often.

So, you know,

was Matthew McConaughey good in

Dallas Buyers club?

Yeah, he was.

He was good.

But I think it was

a given that he was going to win because the character he played was someone who fought for AIDS against AIDS.

Well, but also, come on, the Oscars and all these award shows.

I mean, I don't want to diss him because I want to get one.

But at the same time, the movies that win are never the movies that are the cultural

shifters and the cultural makers.

They're not the best movies of the time, of the era.

No.

They're like popular and well, they're not popular.

No, though, the winners of the Oscars, come on.

It's never the most

cutting-edge movie.

No, that's exactly what they're.

What they're not are the popular movies.

The ones that win are the ones that are saying to the audience, the movie used to say to the audience, this is Hollywood.

Welcome to our

show

that showcases who we are and what we do.

And we want to show you that we make the best movies.

Now what they're voting for is we want to show you that we're the best people.

So things like Nomad Land that no one went to see or wanted to see.

No, nobody went to see that.

Nobody wanted to see that.

Nobody went to see a lot of these ones.

But her previous movie was amazing, amazing.

The writers.

It was about, she started as a documentary about these Native American kids, and she turned it into a movie about about their own lives and scripted their own lives into it.

And one of the kids got, they were Bronco writers, and one of the kids got stomped on his head.

It was wild, wild amazing.

There is such a divide between

the

ultra-woke stuff that wins the awards.

There's no ultra-woke, bro.

I'm ultra-woke.

They're not woke enough for me.

I'm sorry.

They're not woke enough.

Well, that's quite a statement, and we probably should not pursue that at all.

America is a centrist country.

We don't have a real left.

We have a real radical right, but we don't have a real radical left.

We have center and then a little center left.

Real radical left wants to destroy government just like the right, wants to upend everything, wants to throw out the establishment.

We don't have any of that.

Come on.

What do we have?

The left,

the Democrats eat their own.

And they don't listen to the progressives.

They never.

They destroy them.

I don't even.

I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

I tell you.

Come on, let's talk.

Let me ask you about your personal life.

Like, when you're in a relationship, are you always having like political talks with your girl?

Or I'm assuming it's a girl.

I don't want to be, I don't want, I want to be woke enough to say I don't know.

Thank you.

It could be anything and everything would be fine.

And that's true.

Everything would be fine.

But I know you're a straight man.

But does it, do you, do you have to be with someone who agrees with you politically, or could you be with someone and would you then always be arguing?

My wife and I are always arguing.

Oh, you're married now?

I've been married.

I've been married almost tomorrow.

Tomorrow is our anniversary.

How many years have you been married 25 years?

You've been married 25 years.

Yeah, yeah.

I got bad information.

Yeah, no, it wasn't.

I mean, we've had our ups and downs, and you know, we got past it.

And I think we're doing great right now.

We're doing amazing.

So your marriage came along just with the century.

Yes, it was.

25 years.

25 years.

Isn't that something?

That's something that's in Hollywood.

That's like 100 years.

Oh, that's a lifetime achievement award.

Where's that award?

I want that one.

Well, congratulations.

And do you argue politics or do you argue?

Yeah, we argue politics.

We argue a lot.

She doesn't see things exactly as you do.

No, she doesn't.

She sees things very differently than I do.

And sometimes you're uncomfortable.

Yeah, I think you should be.

But if you like to fight, if you like to argue.

I don't.

I really don't.

People think I do because I wind up doing it.

I mean, if you left New York and you don't like New York, it's because you don't like to argue.

Because

everybody loves to argue.

All my friends argue with me 24-7.

They do.

Yeah, New Yorkers argue all the fucking time.

Even when they shouldn't be arguing, they're arguing.

Yeah.

Well, that's one of the things I just did not like about the city.

And John, I lived there twice.

I lived there.

First of all, again, I grew up with New York TV, New York sports teams.

My father worked there.

So yes, we were a satellite of New York, but come on,

New Jersey.

No, I know.

It's New York adjacent for real.

I mean, it's, I mean, look, you're from what Woodborough.

Queens, Jackson.

I'm Bridging Tunnel.

There are people who, yeah, who would say

New York Tunnel.

My wife tells me that.

Yeah, she does.

She says you're Bridging Tunnel.

You'll always be Bridging Tunnel.

And Staten Island is off again.

It's not even New York.

It does it really belong to New York.

It's like they toted from off of North Carolina or something.

What is that?

Staten Island.

It doesn't even look like a city.

Except for Wu-Tang.

That's the only great thing they've ever done.

Of course.

Well, it's the cradle of civilization where the Wu-Tang clan emerged by the river.

God, I'm so thankful for that.

It makes me almost want to believe and thank the Lord.

So civilization began by four rivers because you need to...

Or Western civilization, European civilization.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Rivers transcend ethnicity, John.

One of them was the Yangtze in China.

Yeah.

Okay.

Again,

this is before there was even politics.

So there couldn't be any prejudice about where it started.

It was just about the river brings fertile soil.

Let's live here.

Yeah, but there were a lot of places that that happened.

Four.

Okay, go ahead.

The Yangtze,

the Tigris, Euphrates, and Mesopotamia.

More, thank God, not white people.

Because what's worse than that?

The Nile, more not white people.

Great.

It's amazing.

And the

Amazon.

Oh, you got it.

You did get it.

Damn, you're good.

Yeah.

Are you a historian?

Are you like a historian?

Wait, no, I know that it's the Amazon because

they had to migrate into South America.

No, no, no, but no, no, but you're right.

No, no, but you're right because the Nile, the Yangtze, the Tigris, Euphrates, and

it is the Amazon because, you know, they just did Laser LiDAR and they found all these incredible civilizations underneath the jungle forest and the Amazon.

Oh, I'm sure.

And chilies, avocado, tomatoes all come from the Amazon.

So how did they get all the way to Mezzo?

Chili's the restaurant?

Say what?

Chili's the restaurant?

No, chilies,

all chilies come from.

Latin food is the mother cuisine of all great modern cuisine.

It's the cradle of eating, obviously.

Yo, hot food, there would be no hot food if it wasn't for us.

No chilies, chocolate.

There would be no chocolate.

There would be no vanilla.

Corn created the Industrial Revolution that fed everything.

And potatoes helped Europe grow during the Industrial Revolution.

Without our potatoes, our corn, our chocolate, our vanilla, you got nothing.

My people, the Irish, had a little something to do with potatoes, I must say.

Yeah, you got it from us that we got potatoes from South America.

The Irish got potatoes from South America.

I don't think that's historically accurate.

And it's good for you because that'll help.

Want some?

No, no, no.

Because I'd have to talk to you.

I need to be sharp.

No, you don't.

I'm not.

No, do you not smoke weed at all?

No, I take edibles, like to go to sleep and to travel and whatnot.

And a cap and a stem now and then to tea happy.

Oh, it's mushrooms.

Yeah, they've learned how to like micro-dose it well, haven't they?

Really good.

With chocolate as well.

And that's also a Latin thing.

Cybos mushrooms or they're from Meso.

They're from Mesoamerica.

Okay.

Why don't we make it easier?

Name a thing the Latins haven't done.

And that seems like a much shorter list.

What about

bronze statues of businessmen at bus stops?

Is that from the because that seems like a very white yeah, yeah.

Rodin is white.

Yeah, well, we'll give you Rodin.

The monster or the sculptor?

Oh, my God.

Don't you love those monsters?

Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra.

Mothra.

Yes.

Mothra?

Oh, God.

Was that Jaguars and Butterfly?

Yeah, yeah, all the Godzilla creatures.

Was Rodan the turtle?

No.

I mean, didn't you play

mutant?

No, no, I was in Spawn,

the black comic book.

But didn't you play some

William Luigi?

Super Mario Brothers,

first video game.

Right.

Wasn't very successful then, but now it's become cult.

Mulan Rouge, you were

tolerous Lautrec.

That's a great painter.

Right.

Incredible director.

I mean, Baz Luhrmann, one of the greats, a world builder.

He creates worlds.

Romeo and Juliet?

Yes.

Right.

Tybalt.

I remember all those because you made that comment once about like James Franco shouldn't be playing Castro.

Yeah, he shouldn't be.

And I was like, but John, you've played all these parts of people who

aren't Colombian.

How does it, why does it work one way and not the other way?

Because it hasn't worked in our favor in centuries.

When the founding fathers of Hollywood came to Hollywood, it had just been Mexico 60 years prior.

And they came into a predominantly Latino community that had been lynched, massacred, burned alive, shot, redlined, segregated, sterilized, Jim Crowed, and they came here and they didn't include the people into any of their movies for centuries.

Drink?

Yeah, please.

No, no, no.

I'm sober.

You know,

it goes with the light conversation.

Cocktail.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Should we move to the veranda?

No, I'm sure that.

And then there was Brownface for like decades, bro.

Brownface, I mean, Charlton Heston and Touchdown.

That was a while ago.

I mean, since then, we've had Raul Julian and Andy Garcia.

We're 20% of the population with less than 3% of the leads on film and television.

We're 30%

on the box office.

And we're still like under, we're the most aggressively underrepresented ethnic group in America.

Well, okay.

I'm sure there is work to do there.

And I'm.

I need your help doing it.

How How could I help?

What could I possibly do?

I need $50 million.

I don't have $100.

I don't have $500 million.

I just need a little

bit.

And if I had it, I wouldn't spend it on that.

Let me tell you something.

What would you spend your money on?

You know, I'm a very simple dude.

Oh, I can see by this huge property.

Well, I do have some land.

That's nice.

But I like land.

I like land too.

I like land is good.

Yeah, land is good.

It's one reason I, again, would not want want to live in New York.

I do not like living in a building.

I like landing.

I grew up in the suburbs.

New Jersey is the suburbs.

And I grew up with a lawn.

You know, we were middle class.

We didn't have any special or spectacular.

And I still don't.

I have, you know, I'm a simple person.

This house is not simple.

My actual house is...

This is amazing.

My actual house.

Two bedrooms.

Is that a lot?

No, it's not a lot.

It's not a lot.

What square footage?

I don't even know, but it's not a lot.

It's got a kitchen.

It's got a, you nice kitchen.

Look, it has a kitchen with an island, which when I was a kid, my kitchen was the size of this chair, like an island.

The kitchen was an island.

Now everybody's got an island.

Yeah, you've got to get a good thing.

You've got to have space for an island.

Yeah, but it's not like what kitchens became.

Houses got bigger.

So I have a kitchen, I have a small dining room, a nice living room.

That overcompensates.

A nice living room.

And then upstairs, there's a family room, which I don't go in a lot because I don't got that.

Family.

You could have a family room.

And then, you know, my bedroom, a spare bedroom, a nice closet.

I mean,

I have a great office.

It's built sort of for one, that house, but I don't need a lot.

I'm a simple guy.

One house, one car, one plane.

That's oh, you don't have two homes.

You don't have too much plane.

It's just a simple jet.

No helicopters, no, no, no.

That stuff doesn't make me happy.

It's just stuff that means stuff to me.

You know, could they take my politically incorrect sign?

They could have, but.

Oh, politically incorrect.

I love it.

loved.

Yeah, you were on it.

Yeah, I was.

I love it.

Yeah.

So, you know.

Yeah, you were very influential.

I mean, your show was incredible.

I mean, because nobody was talking like you back in the day when you came up with

being really aggressive about thoughts and calling people on shit.

Nobody was doing gotcha.

And I'm still doing it.

Yeah, you still are.

Yeah.

Look, we all know speed and quality rarely go hand in hand.

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You deserve quality care from someone who does care.

No, I mean, I was funny reading the paper today, and there's Curtis Sliwa on the front page.

Wow, crazy.

Right.

Running for New York mayor.

Right.

And it was, I just remember him on like the

first season of Political Being Career.

Yeah.

Because we would have, he was, we had like a budget of nothing.

And so we would have local New York types on very well.

And he was interesting.

Remember the angels?

Of course, I see him on the subway all the time.

Right.

With the red hat.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, and he, I think his girl was with him, and she was kind of like a hot guardian angel.

She was really fine.

She was like some kind of Russian chick.

Yeah, yeah.

And now I see him, and you know, we look, we all look older, although you look fantastic.

You really don't look like you still look like.

Brown don't break down.

So, you know.

Another thing in the brown column.

I'm so glad.

I'm so glad.

Let me keep scoring it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

White people, bronze statues.

White people have done some good things.

Bronze statues.

Wait.

We were the first ones to combine avocado and toast.

You're wording.

The Winter Olympics.

Avocado toast is incredible.

The Winter Olympics.

That's amazing.

That's us.

Skiing.

Music and elevators.

Oh, I got to love elevator music.

Come on.

It really relaxes me.

White people have done a lot of things.

I know.

A lot of bad things.

But, you know, everybody in the world has done a lot of bad things.

Oh, yeah.

No doubt about it.

Being horrible and racist and colonizers and all that shit, it is not the province of one race no no of course not of course not i mean my my my 15th i go back 500 generations on both sides in my marriage 100 yeah on both sides how do you know that because i went on uh finding your roots five but they don't go back 500 generations you can because no

they can't

they can because the the catholic church kept crazy records not 500 john you got that money no i promise they traced me back my 15th grandfather.

That's not 500.

Human.

1400s?

Humans.

What's the 1400s?

Well, think about it.

How many generations in a century?

500 years ago, brother.

I know you're on a little bit of a weird, but I'm going to help you with the math.

No, you're the one who's going to be embarrassed.

How many generations in a century?

Well, it depends.

Let's say we're Latino, it might be 20 or 30.

In a century, you have children every

years.

Say 20 years.

Okay, all right.

So there's five generations in a century.

So in 500 years,

that's five generations.

That's if everybody's having kids at 20.

Yeah, yeah.

That's 25 generations.

I'm the only person on the show that they could trace my lineage 500 years on both sides in the Americas to conquistadors who were genocidal murderers.

I'm sure you related to conquistadors, but they don't go back 500 years.

Conquistadors.

1492.

Conquistadors were like 500 500 years ago.

Again, that's 25 generations, not 500.

That's 400 years.

I didn't say 500 generations.

I said 500 years.

You said generations.

No, no, I said my 15th grandfather was

Ben Al Cazar, right-hand man to Pizarro.

And he came to Colombia.

before he genocided a tons of Ecuadorian women and children, and then he came to Colombia and

created four cities.

Yeah, I mean Mexicans are a mix of the indigenous people and the Spanish.

So, you know, when people are like, oh, yeah.

I mean, and the Spanish were as.

You got to go on finding your roots because you're going to find.

What did they find?

Did you have roots?

Yeah,

they knew basically what they were.

My father, Ireland.

Yeah.

My mother, that family originally was from Hungary,

Hungarian Jewish on that side, although the Jewish kind of melted away as they came to America.

I mean, that wasn't really put into me, but it's my heritage.

And my father's side was pretty standard, like came right after the Civil War in this country, the potato famine in Ireland.

Oh, sure.

You know, they traced it certainly back 1818.

I remember that number sticks in my head when they had the name of, it was what, great, great, great, great-grandmother or something like that, born in the church.

You know, they go back to like the church.

Yeah, because the the catholic church kept kept yeah of course they kept the record yeah so they knew the people absolutely their full names and who came here and then married and o'too married bliss one and and uh yeah i mean it was a very standard history the irish came to this country around that time and they've also faced horrible pressure oh yeah they're irish and actors need not apply or they're something

like that and you know every ethnic group that that comes here gets the shaft you're like at the bottom of the of the

right but we've been been here.

The first European language spoken in America was not English, was Spanish.

And we've been here since then.

Absolutely.

And

we

Irish, because they're white people, can move up, but we haven't moved up.

We've stayed in the same place because this is the fourth mass deportation of Latinos since 1830.

We've been

after Mexico, after Mexico became America and they took the land and invaded and took from the Mississippi to the Pacific, they started lynching people, stealing their land, stealing the political wealth, and then they mass deported in the

1930s with the Repatriation Act.

Two million Latinos, most of them were American citizens.

And what the president is doing, scaring the shit out of people who shouldn't have the shit scared out of them and should be able to stay here.

is awful.

And I told that to him to his face.

You did?

Yes.

That's amazing.

That takes a lot of courage.

Yeah, well, we kind of famously

had dinner a few weeks ago, months ago.

You called him out.

You called him out.

We had a, you know, don't let me go through this again, but, you know, it was a big controversy at the time.

You must have been.

It was huge.

Yeah, no, it was insane.

So, like, they were mad at me for going there, the woke, but, like, I kept saying, well, among other things, one, when I left the dinner and before I got there, I never stopped tearing him a new asshole about the things I thought he deserved, a new asshole torn about.

And he took it.

He took it with a lot of people.

And what they got mad at me about was just explaining that in person he's a completely different guy.

Oh, totally different.

And that is not on me.

I'm just reporting.

And yes, you can have a conversation.

And I did at one point say to him those exact words.

I said, you're scaring people.

Why do you want to scare your own citizens?

And

in public, he would have exploded at that.

And you're a terrible person.

And in private, he talks to you like a human being being and listens a lot better than a lot of other people who are in those kind of positions have.

That's just the truth.

I know.

Right, right.

I know they hate to hear it.

And a lot of people are involved.

But it's the presentational, performative side of him that's so dangerous and heinous.

So dangerous and so heinous.

Yeah, I mean, that's

it.

Because I've met him, too, because we all met him in New York.

He was always in the clubs, sitting on some model or something, whatever, you know, sitting on some corner trying to hit on all the hotties.

And what were you doing in the 90s?

The same thing.

I always had a date.

I always came with a date.

I met him once at Moomba.

Do you remember Moomba?

Yes, of course.

You do?

I saw him at Moomba.

Yeah, he was always at Moomba.

Okay, well, that's where I met him twice before he was present, once at the Playboy Mansion and once at Moomba.

Yeah, Moomba was hot.

That was where all the models were going.

And I think he was once on Howard Stern and Sarin.

My name came up, and

Howard is always asking about girls, and I guess I was with someone.

And he went, yeah, he was with someone.

not bad.

You gotta make it back, yeah.

Yeah, he got the nod of approval from Trump.

That's crazy.

I met him a time.

I was giving an award at the Trump Tower before he was even a political person.

And I was giving Baz Luhrmann an award, and he came up to me, and he goes, oh, you're so articulate.

Because you know why people always tell you that if you're

a Latin person and you can speak, that you're so articulate, which I know is code for I Thought You're All Dumb.

But he was so meek.

He was so,

I was astounded at how incredibly meek he is.

I wouldn't call it meek.

What I would call it is

knowing how to make everybody.

It's ironic because he's known as the greatest egomaniac and he is quite an egomaniac, but to make the person you're talking to feel like they're the ones who are important and you're interested in what they're saying.

He's good at that.

I remember remember that at the Playboy Mansion, and I saw it again at the White House.

It's obsequious.

It's obsequious.

He's not obsequious.

He's just...

I mean, I'm telling you what I experienced.

It seemed obsequious, even though he gave me

the old,

you're so articulate.

Well, that's just obnoxious because it's a terrible thing.

But, you know, people say, is he a racist or not?

He's an 80-year-old or soon to be a year away from 80-year-old guy whose father was a virulent racist.

Oh, yeah.

He marched with the the KKK.

His father was arrested for his father was definitely a racist.

And his grandfather was a pimp?

Like of the times.

Like the people are a product of their times.

He is a product of his times.

Yeah, but some of us overcome our times.

Yeah, exactly.

That is absolutely true.

He hasn't overcome that.

That is true and fair to say.

But he's not on the level of racism that

Stephen Miller is.

No, nobody's at the level of Stephen Miller's racism and who's the architect of all this mass deportation.

Grew up here in Santa Monica with Latinos, and I guess they bullied him, and he's got a chip on his shoulder over that.

But, I mean, part of this is a backlash to how badly Biden handled the immigration situation.

It can't just be like, come one, come all, which it was.

There's plenty of room here, and we need...

Room.

There's plenty of room in America.

Come on.

There's no lack of room in America.

But it's never about room.

It's about resources and about

like having a countries have to have a border.

It just can't be I mean they've done surveys and something like 200 million people around the world when asked would you come to America you could yes I would why wouldn't they lots of countries excuse me are shitholes right and they would love to be here you can't just

know right the places aren't shitholes but well they are that's why they want to come and it's usually because of America what America has done especially in Latin America is beat up every democracy that was burgeoning in Latin America they destroyed it to keep their oil or their resources or bauxite or bananas.

Like if you don't really have rights, like as far as like

women's rights in most

majority Muslim countries, women just don't have

close to the rights we have here.

If you can't dress the way you want.

If you are in a country where there's just extreme poverty,

which a lot of countries have, or if there's like

the kind of corruption, and we have corruption here, of course, but on a level...

Well, we have extra corruption with the meme coin.

But it is on a level in some countries that's way, way more.

We're catching up.

We're catching up.

We're catching up, but we still.

But there's a reason why people want to come here because it's still better.

But I got to tell you, I mean, if you live in a country where you can take a chicken on a bus, that was always my standard.

Okay, I think I have the right to call that

a shithole country.

And I see why you want to come here.

It's not your fault you live in a shithole.

It doesn't mean you're a shithole person.

But you're the misfortune of being born there.

And I get it why you would want to move here.

Right, but the thing is that the the immigrants that are coming here are building the country.

They're the essential workers.

They are.

They're the first responders.

They're doing all your construction, painting, plumbing,

raising all your food, cooking all your food, serving all your food.

Kids, taking care of your kids.

Taking care of your kids.

We do all the work that nobody wants to do and keep and keeps the country going.

I mean, immigrants are the life source of this country.

Yes, they are, absolutely, because, again, we're both products of them.

Yes, yes, we are.

But what most Americans, I think, sensible middle-of-the-road people would say is, yes, of course, we are an immigrant welcoming country, but there has to be some order to it.

It just can't be come one, come all.

No,

you know, I mean, there was like video people would see of people, just the border guards just looking as people or

just like giant trains of people.

And, you know, that's why, and then where do they go?

They went to cities on the borders who then were like, you know what?

If you people in

New York

think that it's such a great idea to let anybody in, we're going to bust them to you.

And then what did the people in New York say?

I mean, even the governor of New York was like, we can't take all these people.

Mayor Adams was like, and he's right.

It's like, you know, these people live here.

And now this is their burden to this degree.

But I mean, those people.

No, I agree.

I get to see that.

Those cities on the border call the bluff of the sanctuary city.

It's very easy to sit there from far away and go, we're a sanctuary city.

Okay, well,

here's all the people sanctuary.

And then they didn't like it.

Let's fix the immigration problem.

That's the kind of hypocrisy.

And let's fix the legal immigration because it's a broken system.

Right.

People who've been here for 30 years can't be naturalized.

That's insane.

Who've been working here and giving their lives.

And just fix the legal immigration.

Stop creating migrant voters and this blockage.

He did finally have to go back on that and say, you know, the people who work here.

because, like, who does he think cleans the rooms in his hotel?

Right, exactly.

Who do you think Moses was?

At the golf club around your first wife's race.

Your golf ball is for you.

You know?

So, you know, he has a way of like always going too far and just doing.

And then tacoing.

Yes.

Just tacoing.

Tacoing.

Everything is Latin.

You know where

it's coming from taco.

That's right.

Come on.

Well, the Iranians found out it's not always tacoing.

Oh, my God.

They found out it was not always tacoing.

Yeah, yeah.

See, it's kind of good to have that reputation of like, oh, he never follows through.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It's so crazy.

So, well.

Well, here we are.

So what's your, what are you doing out here?

Are we hustling?

Selling.

I'm hawking wares.

Like, for what?

Smoke.

Oh, that's your series?

Yeah, yeah.

Apple.

Apple, True Crime, Dennis LeHane, one of the great preeminent critics.

How's Apple to work with?

Good?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

I'm catching up to your...

I'm a humble man.

You're a humble man.

With a humble.

Hey, you know what?

I was poor.

No, you've earned it.

I'm not.

When I lived in New York, I was like, it's funny.

I used to hear old comics talk about this and think they were so corny, but now I'm saying it, and it's true when they would say, you know, we were poor when we were young, but we didn't know we were poor.

You didn't know you never knew you were poor.

I'm sure I knew.

I was living on a

shithole apartment above a bus stop on 8th Avenue and 55th Street.

But you didn't know it was shitty.

You were kind of loving it.

I did, but I was reminding you.

You were an artist, yeah.

I was living in New York for the first time.

The hottest women in the whole country.

Yes, none would talk to you, but they were hottest.

That's the thing about New York.

There's one reason I didn't like New York.

I did not get along with the women.

You know, you vibe with certain cities.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I came out here, I found paradise.

Oh, my God.

In New York, just there was.

But you also came here when you had mad success.

No, I, well, more success.

Yeah, no.

I did not come here when I had mad.

I came here in 1983 when I had done three tonight shows.

I did not have success.

Oh, my God.

That's success.

I had a little apartment and a Toyota, and my sound system was

in the car was a boom box in the back seat.

Did you have a Toyota Corolla?

Is that what you had?

That plugged into the cigarette lighter.

Those are some sad times.

That was my sound system.

Yeah, yeah.

Where I put a tape into a boom box

in the back seat of the car.

But didn't you think you were cool?

Come on.

You thought you were so dope.

No one could think they were cool with a boom box in the back seat.

But you started, but then you started, you know.

I remember I was going out with a girl in 1985 who was like so out of my league, and she would just unmercifully make fun of me about it.

That's incredible.

You got to love that.

You got to love that.

I do.

You know, it doesn't work to have things if you can't look back and know what you didn't have because it just doesn't.

Somebody was mentioning sometime recently that, oh, nice bathtub.

I said, you know, I never had a bathtub.

that I wanted to get into until I was 45 when I moved here.

Wow.

I never took a bath.

I mean, I hadn't that like

you took like a sink shower because, like, the idea of sitting in this little narrow shower.

You do horse baths?

Like, horse baths, you know, like

at a sink.

They used to call it, they had an ethnic name for that, but I won't say it.

No, I know, I know they know.

Because it would make you so mad.

I'm just saying I've heard it.

I know.

That's good restraint.

I appreciate that.

But it was a blankety blank shower.

Yeah, yeah, no, I know.

And I've taken many of them.

Yeah, yeah, we all have.

I still do it sometimes.

Yo, I found out that when I realized that I was really poor was when I went to the fresh air fund.

Do you remember the fresh air fund?

They used to take Latin and black kids that were poor, and they would send us to a rich white family in the country for two weeks.

And then I realized, oh my God, they have TV dinners, they have TVs, two TVs, they have all this space, they have a yard.

It was incredible.

Then I realized I was fucking poor.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was super poor.

I mean, that apartment was horrible it was a you know what they called a studio which meant one room i often woke up with roaches around me oh yeah that was the sometimes crawling on me oh yeah no i've had that i mean that's i've had one if you don't crawl on my list yeah if you don't know you're poor then and when you wake up with a roach in your mouth that is the most disgusting not this kind of roach no no that kind of roach you wake up with that one that's okay that means you had a great night

yeah i i mean i i got talent because that's that's the only way you could get girls if you're broke is if you have talent and it's like a magnet and girls come to you otherwise without cash yeah you're not going to get girls not in new york city let's talk about angie anyone who owns a home knows how much work it takes whether you're dealing with daily maintenance emergency fixes or even a dream renovation it is so hard to find the right help and luckily angie's been connecting people with skilled pros for 30 years and they've made it easier than ever to get your home projects done well because Angie gives you access to a nationwide network of tradespeople with the right skills, experts in over 50 categories, from plumbing and landscaping to roofing and remodels.

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Take me through that.

How did the talent, because I don't remember this happening to me.

I don't remember being a starting out young comedian and, oh, I've got talent and the girls were there.

They were not.

Oh, my God.

They were all over there.

I was at First Amendment Improv.

I don't know if you remember that.

It was on Bond Street.

What was your first thing?

You were in an improv troop?

Yeah, I was an improv troupe in New York.

Yeah, and there were all these.

Where were they headquartered?

Bond Street, Bond Street.

Wait, downtown.

Downtown.

And Robin Williams would come in.

Bruce Willis would come in.

Yeah.

I was in the C company.

I wasn't part of the A Company.

I never got to the A Company.

Well, they're lost, huh?

Yeah, they look sick.

So they look sick.

They had like leagues like that?

Yeah, yeah.

So there was like varsity and junior version.

Yeah.

Wow.

C was the worst.

But they kept promising.

So you had to like clean their bathrooms, do the bars, sweep, and clean up the whole place.

Who from the A group would we know today that went on to good things?

Oh, wow.

Maybe nobody.

Michael.

Oh, my God.

What's his name?

Michael.

No, no, he was in talk radio

on off-Broadway with Eric Bogosian.

And Nancy Lombardo coached Josh from Drake and Josh.

Okay, it's not really a huge success, but it's...

I'm not a culture vulture, John, but I do occasionally go to the theater and

enjoy it when I do.

And I went to see a play by John by Eric Bogosian when I lived in New York in the 90s.

Park Radio?

No, I don't think it was.

Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll.

Maybe it was that.

It was down.

It was on It's in the Village, and it's this little, it's the theater is the name of the street, like the Maryland.

Barrow Street Theater.

Barrow Street Theater or

Manila Lady.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

That's it.

Yes, Waylor Theater, yeah.

Okay.

I saw that there.

Oh, I think that was sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

That was a big one, yeah.

Right.

And

yeah, I was

drinking in America or yeah, one of those.

They were great.

I mean.

Oh, you didn't like it?

No, I did.

Oh, yeah.

I did.

I thought it was kind of revolutionary.

Yes,

he had quite a moment there.

Yeah, yeah, because he brought rage.

He brought anger to it.

Yeah, he brought a lot of great stuff to one-man shows and to comedy.

Right.

I mean, I would say, you know,

in many ways, what you did on, you know, brought similar stuff, like one-man, like, I'm just going to bring it as me.

Yeah.

You know, he was one of my, yeah, one of the people who inspired me, Lily Tomlin, Goldberg.

Yeah.

And, of course, the great Spaulding Gray, who was, I think, the forefather to all of us.

He gave me my first OB for Mambo Mouth.

Spaulding Gray gave it to me.

What was the name of the big show he did?

I remember.

And we're talking about a waspy white guy.

Oh, he's the waspiest, waspiest dude you ever met in your entire life.

Are you still okay?

Swimming to Cambodia was a big name.

That was it.

Yeah.

Swimming to Cambodia.

What a name for a

wow.

I don't.

Yeah, you would think that would be a hit, but it was.

I think they ran it on PBS, and I saw it there.

Sounds like the kind of thing that would happen.

I read all his plays.

I read everything.

And his new documentary is incredible where, you know, he talks about.

So girls would come to your no no they would be part of the troupe and would be hanging in that yeah and they were all super fine really and the headliners in comedy dude they were so fine wow jane bruckner was one of the hottest women i ever saw pat i can't remember her last name pat was a waspy chick she was fine too yeah

emmy gay she was yeah yeah there was some tamara yeah there was there was a lot of like great you're sure they were fine or maybe they were just making you laugh so you liked them more.

I like that too.

I'm easily

too, but I've never, I've never seen it.

No, no, they were fine.

They were fine.

Really?

Yeah, because you're right.

There weren't a lot of hot chicks in the standards.

But improv.

No, there have been very attractive.

I mean, Sarah Silverman is a woman.

Oh, yeah, she's fine.

She's fine.

Yeah.

You know.

And lots of the ones that had a reputation because in the old days, they had to sort of like play that up to get over on the audience.

Lucille Ball and

yeah, she started out as an ingenue, not as a.

As a model, she was a model.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, you know, and she married that Latin guy.

Yes.

And back to Latin-ness again.

And he was a success in the 50s.

So, I mean, is America really that terrible?

No, dude, the one guy, one guy

with a whole population around you, and there's one guy who's making it, who they couldn't even get the show on the air.

She had to fight and say, I'm not going to do your show, your radio show, unless my husband's in it.

america's not going to believe you're married to a latin guy and she goes but i am it's so hard to imagine that show without him

lucy you got a lot of explaining to do yes

because and you know times were so different there was an episode where she purposely gets a sunburn

so that ricky won't hit her

because she bought a dress that she shouldn't have and just the idea that america was super cool with this complete notion of, oh, sure, you know, your husband's going to beat you.

Spousal abuse, you know, it's part of the marriage.

Ralph Crane.

Oh, yeah.

To the moon, Alex.

I mean,

it's hard to imagine, I don't know, Ray Romano threatening his wife with a closed fist every week at the end of everybody loves.

Modern family.

O'Neill's going to go, yeah.

Come over here, Sophia Vergara.

I'm going to knock you.

And the gay guy is going to hit the other gay guy.

Yeah, yeah.

We got to do it right.

It's just, I'm just saying.

It's a different time.

I'm just saying

the amount that this country has changed, as much as we have problems, is just astounding.

And I just don't think that's something that they want to acknowledge enough on the left because they always want to feel like I'm the better person because I say things are worse than you are saying.

And that doesn't make you better just because you're glummer.

And what glomming, that's a very New York word.

Did you say glomming?

No,

I do say that word all the time.

My mother used to say it.

I said glummer, but glomming, yes.

My mother would always say it's a great Yiddish gloming.

Glomming on

the gloming on.

And the Ghanivs, those Ghanifs coming over.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Emmis, you know that one?

No, I don't know what Emmis is.

That means like the real truth.

Oh, wow.

Nobody ever gave me the Emmis.

That's exactly how you say it.

Give me the Emmis on whether that's...

Oh, that's so dope.

I never heard that.

Whether that bomb wiped out the Iranian nuclear stit or not, you know, like give me the Emmas.

Give me the Emmis.

But, you know, and I only know some of these from TV, like Spilkis.

Spilkis.

And what's the other one?

Taveling of Cavelling over there.

Cavelling Verklem.

Look at that Punim.

What a lovely name.

Punem, yes.

Right.

Punham.

I said Punim.

Yeah, Punim.

But we have a lot of Latino phrases in the language.

Oh, yeah.

Ton, tons.

Okay, so.

Yeah, go ahead.

Like homie.

Homie?

Yeah, you're my homie.

What's up, homie?

That comes from California.

That was black.

No, no, black.

It was black adopted, but it was Latinos here who were in jail.

And you're a homie.

You're from my hometown.

You're my homeboy.

You know the movie, I'm sure you do, the

name of it.

It's the

fighting queen, no.

Which one?

Which one?

It was a

three years ago.

I think

it was about the African kingdom of Dahomey and the warrior queen.

Oh, yes, yes, with Viola Davis.

Correct, correct.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they gloss over the little fact in the movie to a degree, not completely,

but they play it down that it was a kingdom based on slavery.

Wow.

Blacks taking other blacks as slave, which happened all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

And the name of that kingdom was Dahomey.

Dahomey.

D-H-Y.

And I remember Dahomey.

Well, I could think of it.

The homies ain't my homie.

These slaves were captured.

They ain't my homie.

And there was

the country used to be called the homie for years.

I remember seeing it on the map.

And now I think it is Benin.

Benin.

I mean, everybody changed names.

They do change names from colonial names.

I mean, Beijing, when I was a kid, was Peking.

Remember Peking?

Yes, King Duck.

King Duck.

That's where it came from.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow, things have changed.

Sri Lanka was Ceylon.

Mumba was Bombay.

Right, right, right.

You know, I mean.

It's incredible.

Yeah.

How do you keep up with all this?

You have to read a lot more.

It's my job.

It is your job.

It's always been my job.

It was always my passion because, again, my father was a newsman.

Oh, so the news was a big deal in your house.

It was, you know.

I mean, they didn't force it on anybody, but, you know, kids, they just absorb the...

biosmosis.

So, you know, and I could also, we could hear my father on the radio.

My father was a radio news guy what I have heard him

you may have if you listened to mutual broadcasting or WOR WOR I listened to WOR you probably heard Bill

70s

70 into the 70s yes by then he was more transitioned to editor but 50s and 60s mostly but maybe early yes early 70s and this is the days when every radio station had you know news at the top of the hour yeah yeah just five minutes of news you know like like wins wins news

Exactly.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Yeah, top of the hour.

Top of the hour, Winswinds News.

The whole world and

Secretary of State Kennedy Howell has met

with President Khrushchev's premier

in Vienna.

The radio.

The talks were described as productive but frank.

In other news, the hula hoop is.

Yeah, yeah, the hula hoop is all the rage in America.

And that was just how it was, you know.

So it was always what I was interested in.

History and news.

History and news.

The New York Times is a good idea.

What college did you go to?

Cornell.

Oh, that's a good college.

What'd you major in?

English history.

English lit.

Yeah, I mean, I think I started in the middle.

Dad let you major in English lit.

He was okay with that?

Well, I mean.

If he's paying for it, doesn't he want you to be in a career that's going to bring you a...

He wasn't paying for a lot of it, but he was out of work at that time.

Look, I was a drug dealer in college.

I mean, a pot dealer.

That's how you paid for your credits?

At a certain point, yeah.

I mean, look, I say pot dealer

because primarily a pot dealer.

But if our dealer got something else, we would sell that too.

Oh, damn.

Yeah.

So, you know, this is the 70s.

Yeah, it's a different.

And

I'm lucky.

Well, you had to make, how are you going to pay for college?

You wanted education, which is a great thing.

And the only way for you to get it was dealing.

I mean, it was.

I'm not hating on you.

I'm not hating on you.

It was a victimless crime.

Yeah.

You know, college.

For a little pleasure.

I mean, lead is now legal everywhere.

What the fuck?

The college kids are going to get high.

If not, I tutored, I tutored the

disadvantaged.

I tutored handicapped kids.

And I read for the blind.

That's how I paid for my college.

Yeah.

And took crazy loans that, you know, ruined my credit for 20 years.

I read to blind children every Tuesday night.

Children.

Yeah,

that's how I paid for it.

I didn't drug deal because, yeah, that wasn't my thing.

But in New York, you never got sucked into a drug lifestyle.

No, no, no, no, no.

I grew up in that neighborhood.

Everybody was like, there were so many addicts, and I was like, I'm never going to be like that as long as I live.

Well, you don't have an addictive personality.

No, I have an addictive personality, but you do?

To what?

To caffeine and

reading, success.

Everything you like is not an addiction, and some addictions are good.

I never understood the term sex addiction, they would say.

He's got a sex addiction.

Is that a bad thing?

How is that a bad thing?

What's the problem?

What do you get?

Wrinkles from smiling too much?

I mean,

yeah.

I mean, but people have gone to, I mean, Tiger Woods, Michael Douglas.

Well, it's a performative sort of act of contrition.

Exactly.

We know know what that is.

Well said.

A performative act of contrition.

They went away to say...

Don't tell them Catholic because I'm talking about contrition and

penance.

I was raised the same way, Catholic.

I'm a recovering Catholic.

That's the dictionary.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

My father thankfully pulled out.

And Catholics, that's their method of birth control.

It is, it is.

That was my method for years.

I pulled out of the church when I was 13, right before the church.

That's what I meant, out of the church.

I pulled out of the church.

So you're not Catholic anymore?

No, no, not at all.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

No religion?

No, my wife's Jewish, but she's not practicing.

And

my kids, yeah, they went to a crazy St.

Anne's and Grace Church, but they're not practicing either.

Do they ask you about spiritual matters sometimes or say, you know, daddy, what do we believe in?

No, they never asked that.

That's interesting.

We never really talked about.

Yeah.

I mean, I talked to them about spirituality.

I did talk to them about that and meditation and

finding your inner voice and all that stuff.

I think it's as far as children go, I think that kind of stuff is something you'd have to tell the kids to begin with because it's just not something that would cross their minds anyway.

You know, if you're eight years old, you're not like worrying about the cut.

What do you believe in?

Do you believe in God or do you believe in a higher power?

Yeah.

Yeah, they're not going to ask that.

I believe in another toy.

That's what I've

got in chocolate.

I believe in baseball.

I believe in not getting beat up.

But I talked, I mean, obviously,

you want to have great philosophical conversations with them when you can.

But I always talk to them about spirituality and

meditation and all those things that matter to me.

Are they grown up now?

Yeah, my kids are 24 and 25.

Yeah.

So what's that like?

I mean, can you talk to them exactly like a friend and should you?

I think at this age, if you want to have a great relationship, you got to stop being a parent at some point.

otherwise you just scare them away you're right because

you're being judgmental basically because they're not doing it the way you want it to be done so you have to shut up a lot and also they're grown up yeah they're grown up they gotta you know at some point they gotta let the bird fly but I'm a Latin dad I want them to be around me 24 7 I want them to live near me I want I want to I want to have you know their their spouses come and stay with us I want all of that I do so you have to be no they're not married

my son's been with the same girl for about two and a half years.

So, you know, they're living together.

But you could be a grandfather at some point.

I would love that, man.

Really?

Yeah.

That's what I'm with.

I'm 64.

I long for that.

Wow.

We're closer in age than I thought.

How old are you?

69.

Get out of here.

You're not 69.

Yeah, 69.

You're just trying to impress me.

No.

Show me a birth certificate.

I am really.

I don't believe you.

What are you, Trump?

What am I ICE agents?

What am I, Obama?

But, wow, I'm really falling behind in this race to get to grandchildren.

Dude,

if you don't have kids yet, that's before marriage.

I think you're going to be grandfather and father at the same time.

Are you planning to have kids?

Are you kidding?

Well, that's a good decision.

Of course, it was a great decision for me.

I don't think everybody has to have kids.

We certainly don't.

The place is overpopulated anyway.

I think so.

You got to do it if that's what you think your mission is.

There's a very big movement.

I mean, Elon Musk is one of these guys.

Oh, my God.

Like, repopulated with all of his sperm.

I mean, if you're a billionaire, I guess

there's a lot of billions of people.

But he's not the only one.

A lot of people are on this tip that

we need to have more babies.

The Trump industry.

But what kind of babies, though?

White babies?

That's part of it.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's talk about the real

mission.

I think that is definitely part of it is that they see themselves getting outbreeded.

And it's true, you know.

Well,

I mean,

this country was

a Native American country.

That was the big population here.

We were all Native American.

And then until the Great Extermination, 95% of us disappeared off the Americas, out of the Americas.

When you say us, you're talking about indigenous people.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm Indigenous, so yeah.

But you're, I mean, Colombian, and come on, this Spanish.

You're Spanish blood in you, too.

You're not.

Oh, yeah, no, no, no, I'm not fully.

You're not one of those, you know, with the bowler hat.

Oh, my God, the Peruvians.

I love that.

The women adopted that hat.

That is the dopest.

What is that all about?

That black.

I think it was a bad shipment of bowler hats that got sent to Bolivia.

And the women loved them, and they did a whole shipment of it, and they became part of the culture.

But it was a British bowler hat.

I wonder if you looked up on Pornhub, you could get one where the girl was wearing that while she's blowing a guy.

I bet you I bet you can find anything.

That's what I'm saying.

You can request that.

You got to do that.

I'm just curious.

Go on the app Field.

F-E-E-L.

No, I don't want to do it.

I don't want to see it.

I'm just trying to help you.

I don't use Field.

But if you want to ask for

bondage or I don't.

I don't.

If you want to ask for spanking or pinky up the ass, go to Field.

I don't have any stake in it.

I'm looking for Bolivian blowjob.

I'm not.

I'm just curious about things.

You're a curious man.

I'm very curious.

And that's what keeps you young.

I think so.

Absolutely.

Well, I think a few things keep you young.

What else?

What else keeps you young?

The pot.

For me, works for me.

What else?

It's an energy drug for me.

It's energy.

Yeah, I'm more energetic.

I would never do it before I slept.

That would be the opposite of.

Wow, that's crazy.

I take them to go to sleep together.

Yeah,

many people do.

Yeah.

We all have different body status.

Yeah, yeah, we do, absolutely.

You know, that's why we all have.

Like cap and stems

make me feel the most content I've ever felt in my life.

But then some of my other friends get serotonin depletion, and I get so mad depressed the following day.

Well,

you are definitely getting serotonin depletion from mushrooms.

That's a fact.

How much it affects you like the next day?

Not barely.

That's good because it's a micro dose.

Yeah, yeah.

I remember doing mushrooms the first or second time I did it and it was at that point.

I just left college.

I was just I was living in New York in a work in an apartment in Spanish Harlem.

Oh look at you.

It's Spanish again.

99th Street.

99th Street, definitely.

Spanish Harlem.

I remember I had one of my first jokes was like, I live in such a cultured neighborhood.

Everyone is practicing their Spanish all the time.

Did you pick up any good words?

Conyoputa.

Por favor.

I learned.

Porvor is good.

That's good.

Please.

He always pleases.

That's about it.

I'm not a cunning linguist.

But a lingual cunning linguist.

I was living on 99th Street.

Spanish Harlem.

Spanish Harlem.

On the east side.

What was I telling you?

Yeah, it was a five-floor walkup.

Five floors.

It kept you in shape.

Oh, really did.

And,

you know, it was between third and lex.

Oh, yeah.

Deep in it.

Deep in it.

And, you know, it wasn't in the triple digits, 99th.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you know.

You're not, you're not in.

Yeah, yeah.

But it was, it was right there at the border.

I think the border was, what, 96th Street or something like that?

Of Spanish Harlem?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Cause my cousin lived on 98th and Fifth Avenue in Spanish Harlem.

What were what were the addresses you remember in Manhattan?

Well, I lived in Queens.

All your life?

Yeah.

Corona.

You never mo you never lived in the college.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

When I went to college, I went to NYU, so I was in Manhattan, yeah.

And then I lived all over the place.

I lived at the Whitby.

You must be ecstatic about the new mayor.

We don't have a new mayor yet.

You know, well, I mean, you must be ecstatic that the Democratic candidate is

Mandami.

Bandani.

This is Emboli.

Zorhan Mandani.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm still learning the name.

No disrespect.

No, no, no.

I don't feel disrespectful.

You must be thrilled about that.

I like him, yeah.

I'm a Democratic socialist, so yeah.

Right.

I mean,

one of yours is getting in.

Yeah, yeah.

And,

well, we'll see how that goes.

We'll see how that goes.

I mean, we still have a long way to go.

Everybody's now backing Eric Adams.

Well,

not everybody that I'm friends with, but I know a lot of New York

movers and shakers are backing Eric Adams now.

They feel like Cuomo.

I realized today that the people Cuomo did the best with were the people that

Mamdani was targeting the most,

the working class black and Latino.

No, no, he did.

Mandami did well with Latinos.

He didn't do well with blacks.

Okay, there you go.

I don't know why.

I think because they've seen this movie before about being somebody who has promising stuff that cannot possibly be delivered.

No, he might be able to deliver.

I mean, do you feel like Eric Adams delivered?

Please.

No, no, but

tough on crime.

Yeah, right.

He wasn't.

I like it.

He wasn't tough enough, man.

I mean, New York is doing fine.

I think it's doing okay.

We just have to deal with the, like you guys got to deal with the homeless situation.

Yeah.

But you know, Reagan, in the 1980s, before 1980, you were able to institutionalize people.

The thing they got Eric for was the connection with Turkey, the bribes.

Remember that?

Yeah, yeah.

Like the country of Turkey.

And it was like, okay, it wasn't what he should have been doing exactly, excepting, you know, hotel rooms or whatever.

We shouldn't be accepting anything.

I know, but it was like, of all the things people do in this world.

I mean, the meme coin, Trump's meme coin.

Like, come on.

That's real.

That's a real Trump.

Right.

Or the dude in New Jersey, Menendez.

Oh, Menendez.

I'm sorry.

And the Egyptian guy.

He took how much money they had.

Menendez on the gold bricks.

He took how much.

We're going to put one for the white.

When the whites get one there.

Menendez putting gold bricks.

I'll give you that one.

i'll give you that one menendez putting gold bricks okay and his wife too when she was taking the other gold bricks of all the corrupt things that people do to like be like that apoplectic about his i know but i i'm looking at about a hotel room from turkey like turkey

but you know okay so he did some favors for turkey it just it reminded me of when they threw um

winona rider out of show business for like 12 years because she shoplifted.

I'm like,

of all the crazy things that people do and the sins and the crimes and the shitty stats.

That's insane.

And I mean, that's canceling.

This is the biggest deal breaker for you is that you can't.

No, no, that wasn't my deal breaker for you.

Not for him for you, but I'm just saying, like, it just, like, there was just no rhyme or reason.

His mismanagement is what bugs me.

No rhyme or reason to like the punishment level for the crime that goes on in show business.

People do the worst sort of things, and the punishment is fairly benign and then they do nothing like shoplift.

I mean, so she had a bad day

and just wanted to lift.

I don't know.

She wanted some stuff that she liked and she didn't want to pay for it.

Or she just was having a moment and said, Opi nail polish, I'm going to just fucking take it.

Take it.

It's like, and you can't.

Who hasn't shoplifted in their life?

Come on.

I shoplifted a ton when I was a kid.

Baseball cards.

Baseball cards, toys.

All I cared about was

did you play baseball growing up?

Yes.

What position?

Well, I was a second baseman.

Oh, you got to have a good arm.

I was also a pitcher.

I remember one of my wonderfulest moments was I was brought in as a relief pitcher

and like won the big game.

I did.

I remember leaving Hoffman Field.

That's the best feeling, man.

And

it was like my first time.

You felt like a star.

First time I ever felt like a star.

Yeah, yeah.

Just like people were like, patting me on the back.

And like, I was, and I was like, yeah.

And I must have been all of eight years old or something.

Oh, out of eight.

Well, it was, it was little.

Peewee League.

It was Pee Wee League.

Wow.

And my father was the coach of the team because he worked nights radio.

So he had, I did like, we could practice on a Wednesday afternoon or something.

And,

you know, he kind of was like more hard on me because he wanted to like overcompensate for being dad the coach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So like, I should have been the starting pitcher.

I had a very strong arm.

And he put this other guy who just grooved it.

And they started to like light him up.

And they brought me in.

And I.

Close.

You're a closer, man.

Clutch, you're a clutch.

That's the most fun, man.

And I was a little wild, but scared the kids.

I was a little Don Drysdale, like, fuck you.

Get off that little gin music.

Come on, get out of here.

Maybe you'll be crowding the plate.

But are you a big Mets fan?

Yeah, I'm a big Smets.

Coming from Canada.

You know, I was a minority owner for 10 years.

No.

Absolutely.

With

the Willpons.

The Willpons.

From 2011.

Steve Cohen is now the owner.

He's a great one.

The one who bought it.

His wife's Puerto Rican, yeah.

Whatever money I do have

is partly because of Steve Cohen.

Really?

I'm just comfortable.

Oh, good, good.

You know, I just deserve to be comfortable.

Absolutely.

I'm not begrudging you anymore.

All the years that I did stand-up, I just stopped doing it six months ago.

All those years, I always took a private plane.

That was my.

That was your thing.

That was your guilty pleasure.

Yeah, exactly.

I wanted

how much was it?

I mean, it's not that much.

Well, I mean, plainly, I don't know.

You didn't own the plane.

You just rented it for every time because I didn't want to own it.

Was it 50K?

Didn't want to own one.

Depends on where you went.

Right.

I mean, you could go to Vegas or San Francisco for $15.

From here.

From here.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

So close by.

But New York?

No.

I mean, it was.

New York would be like a 60, 70?

Yeah.

Yeah, maybe

if you want to get home.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah,

if you don't want to drop in the middle.

On the way back, you were fighting the wind, so you'd refuel and invest in Kansas, you know.

I've taken a few private

days in my life.

But that ate up a lot of the profit from

stand-up.

But I wouldn't have done the gigs if I couldn't have done it that way.

I mean,

you're not going to drive there.

No, I mean, I tape real time on Friday.

You're not going to bus it.

Have you done the tour buses?

I literally couldn't

get in there.

Oh, I did once, yes, when I was young.

It's exhausting.

I couldn't sleep, and then I had to do a show.

And then another show.

The bed was a hammock.

Yeah.

This was the Frankie Valley tour.

I was opening for him in 1982, 20th anniversary of Cherry.

Sherry.

Okay, so they're.

So singing's not your thing.

Not my thing at all.

You were opening for him, but not singing.

You were opening to do a comedy.

Thank God.

I was the chimp.

I was the chimp up there while they were getting their seats.

And I was on the tour bus.

And man, yes, it was a hammock.

That's what you slept in while a hammock on a bus.

Oh, my God.

Bouncing the whole entire time.

I was nauseous.

I didn't sleep a wink.

No, I couldn't.

And then I had to do a show and a two-hour show by myself and one-man show.

No, I got to the next gig, and of course, it was blinding light.

It was nine in the morning or whatever.

We drove all night i went to the hotel and went to sleep the crew had to like go to work oh yeah they didn't sleep on the bus they just didn't sleep they went right from the bus to building the stage that is a that's a rugged life that's tough you know it's a touring is not i mean touring it can be inspiring and amazing but it can also be freaking exhausting you know it's exhausting acting acting i just did you know what did you do in the 80s i was did a lot of acting.

Did sitcoms and silly comms.

I didn't know that.

Yeah, yeah.

What shows?

What shows?

Okay.

Well,

my debut was as a guest star on Alice.

Alice.

Oh, I love that show.

I did,

I played a cop who arrested Flo or one of the ding bats.

And then

I did two episodes of Murder She Wrote as a guest star.

Oh, Angela Lansberg.

Absolutely.

That was 90s?

That was 90s.

DC Cab DC Cab winner of 11 Academy Awards.

Pizzaman, of course, which everyone remembers.

I mean, yeah, Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.

I mean, I did a lot of

B movies.

Well, B to you.

I did

Sarah with Gina Davis in 1985.

Gina Davis.

How tall was she, huh?

She was tall.

Tall drink of water.

Yes.

Did you hit on her?

No.

It was great.

I mean, every guy I knew was like, oh, my God, you're working with Gina Davis.

She's a beautiful woman, not my type.

Not your type.

And it just did.

So there was no sexuality.

So you had a great time.

Right.

Then I did

a Showtime when Showtime was a network starting out.

called Hard Knocks.

I was,

if you can believe it, John, two mismatched detectives.

And who was the other detective?

Tommy Hinkley.

He was a redneck, and I was a hippie.

We were mismatched.

Oh, yeah, odd couple.

The odd couple.

It was the odd couple as detective.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Two strange guys together.

And see what

hilarity ensues.

Hilarity.

Maybe.

And I did a series with Sam Kinnison.

Oh, the late, great Sam.

Oh, I love that guy.

Oh, oh, oh.

That yelling.

That's not how I felt about him after we worked together.

Oh, he was an ass?

Well, he was on heroin, so he would always.

I didn't know.

keep everybody waiting for like eight hours while he was like this in the makeup chair.

Damn.

So, you know.

But

that was called Charlie Hoover.

And he played a little miniaturized devil on the main character's shoulder.

They mini, okay.

And I was, of course, the office creep.

Of course.

Of course.

Typecast.

I did the movie House 2, the sequel to House.

Remember House?

No, which

was House.

House.

Is that a horror movie?

It was a horrible movie.

Horror, horrible.

What's the difference?

It was...

No,

the first one was such a hit, they made a sequel.

It was like a comedy about a haunted house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, I know what you're talking about.

And I almost...

When you play in that,

not the part I wanted.

Looking at me really hard for this, I guess, like the lead, and I think Michael McKean got it.

Oh, Michael McKean, yeah yeah so i'm still bitter about great actor so yes i had quite the career you had the you have a resume there that's for sure so anyway um last week my new friend chris pratt yeah he does a great series

on amazon uh called the terminalist he plays a navy seal and he wanted me to do uh you know lens

well as myself yeah on the set with you know two of the people who I know because I watch the series that are, and it's as if, you know, to lend verisimilitude to the situation.

So, but it was like a three-page scene.

I mean,

so I wanted to do my best.

I learned my lines and we shot it after the last taping of real time.

It took a couple of hours.

And I just remembered, wow, this is hard.

First of all, learning lines.

Oh, my God.

At our age, forget it.

That shit is like a.

How do you do it?

Dude, it's not easy anymore.

It's so shitty.

I used to have a photographic memory.

memory.

It's really?

But now there's a lens cap over it.

I don't know.

It's foggy.

My photographic memory does not photograph anymore.

I have to spend months learning lines now.

Months.

Yeah.

I mean, especially like the series Smoke I did, I had so much dialogue.

I had to learn it months ahead because it's five episodes that I'm in.

And

I had a ton of dialogue.

Like pages and pages.

It's a lot of work.

And then there's a lot of waiting, enacting, just waiting.

And they pay you to wait is what they say.

But it's like you can never really relax when you're waiting.

No, you're not relaxed because you're relaxing.

Because you're going to do another take.

So you can't let your mind just go.

No, you can't.

So you're kind of like anxious all day.

You're like in a coma state.

You're just like frozen.

And then you're waiting for to be called on to give your best

emotions.

And maybe your best take

is not going to get used because they were on somebody else or because it was a plane or something.

The best take is always off-camera when you're doing off camera for somebody.

And I've talked to every actor and they all say Matt Damon, Tom Holland,

they all say that your best take is always off camera when you're relaxed and you go, oh, that's what the fucking scene was because you're relaxed, you know, and you're not tense anymore.

That's what I'm saying.

It's a maddening business.

But it's a high, but it's a high when you get it is a high.

When you do get it, you want to chase that.

It's magical.

I remember

it.

Nothing in life equates to it.

Absolutely.

When you nail it in your clothes.

Yeah.

You know, like, and you feel that in comedy as well.

You feel it.

Yeah.

Yeah, but comedy, I don't have to remember lines exactly.

You know, I don't have to.

Oh, so we did different things.

I'm saying my own lines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mine would all script it.

My one-man shows are very written.

Yeah.

And I'll improvise a little bit, but most of it is like really structured.

And yeah, it's a different thing.

You're riffing.

But it's

like on a subconscious level.

Yeah.

Yeah, you have a structure, but you can, you know, you can drift from shore knowing you'll come back to shore.

But, but this acting shit, I mean, like,

I told the guy they set it all up, and like, man, the equipment they have these days is like so insane from what I remember.

Oh, you know, like, damn, this camera, like it looks like that thing in Dune.

It's like this giant snake that comes right at you from 30 feet away.

The Jenny, the Jenny, and the cranes.

Oh, my God.

200.

I just did a Chris Nolan movie, The Odyssey.

Wow.

I had never seen.

The Odyssey.

Oh, it's incredible.

Well, who do you play?

I play Eumaeus, the most loyal character in Western literature.

Right.

That's how he sold it to me.

Yeah, probably true.

No, it is true.

No, Japan is the cradle of civilization, The Odyssey.

Well, I mean, we're talking about Western European literature, yeah.

Okay, but it's 800 BC.

Yeah, I mean, it's incredible.

I love the Odyssey.

Come on, I love

it.

And The Odyssey is just always great.

Oh, yeah.

It's a great read.

It's a great read.

It's a great read.

I mean, do you remember Jason and the Argonauts?

Vaguely, yeah.

Yeah, those movies were kind of similar based in Bad The Sailor.

Yeah, Jason.

He was a Greek mythology character.

So, like, do you, when you were younger and your kids were younger, would you make certain movies that the kids would like, oh, daddy's in this one?

And that was like the

Georgia Exploradora for them.

Oh, for them.

Yeah, yeah.

For them.

Yeah, so they could hear my voice.

But they didn't really, I don't know if they really liked that.

I tried not to work as much, that's for sure.

I tried to be home a lot more

for myself.

But what about when you played a bad guy?

Because you have a great range.

I mean, I've seen you play really, you know,

the bad guys are always the fun, the

funner roles, the most exciting roles.

You can really do fun things with that.

Yeah, I enjoyed that.

I mean, yeah, I tried when once you have kids, you do think about your legacy and you do think about about what am I putting out into the airwaves.

And I tried to play a lot less villains because I just didn't want to put that out there.

You know, I mean, I wanted my kids to see me in ways that were more positive, especially being a Latin man.

I didn't want to be always a villain because there were so many roles for villain.

Dude, when I started out,

the Ross Report, do you remember the Ross Report came out every Monday and told you what roles were available?

It was like Jim Crow.

It'd be like white actor, white lawyer, white doctor, white lover, Latino drug dealer.

And they wouldn't see you for any other role except the drug dealer.

So I was like, you know, my chances of making it in this business are going to be difficult.

I did a piece on my show a couple of years ago, probably around Oscar time, about, and I, you know, I've since become friends with this director, Nancy Myers.

Oh, Nancy Myers.

Yeah, yeah.

She's complicated.

Oh, many

great rom-coms, yeah.

And, you know, we laughed at it when I finally met her because she would turn out to be a big fan.

And she said, boy, I saw you kind of go after me.

I was not going after her.

I just used one of her movies as an example to say that for all the people who think they're so liberal, if you look at movies only from 15 years ago, you will see movies that are like so amazingly completely white.

And these are made by the biggest liberal.

We're bigger.

We're not talking about 1975.

No, no.

We're talking about 2010.

And you could see lots of movies where they,

I was making jokes about it.

I said, you know,

it looks like you would need a, you know, a restraining order

to get people.

They were so all white.

They were all white casts.

It was insane.

And she's not, and she wasn't the only.

I could have picked so many different movies from that.

That was just an example.

It was just an example.

All these super liberal people were in her movies, Alec Baldwin and Carroll Streep.

It was Steve Martin.

It's like these people who are like

the liberalist of the liberal wokest and I'm like...

But they weren't aware.

They weren't aware of the situation.

It was not that long ago.

No.

And you were completely okay to make a movie where, again,

there must have been a restraining order.

No, I agree with you.

People of color keep 500 yards away from

the movie.

Because it's a white-only movie.

And it's just like, it's just saying that.

We all, life moves at the pace it's going to move.

Yes, we should always be trying to move it faster, but it's only going to move as fast as it's going to move, even among the people who are supposedly the most enlightened.

Right.

No, I agree with you.

I mean, I feel like liberals are trying to do the best they can,

but

they

aren't always aware of what's going on.

I mean, they're not totally aware, and it's our job, activists, to make them aware, to bring it into the forefront and to not let people forget the issues.

I mean, yeah, that's what we got to do.

I'm glad you're out there doing that.

Yeah, I got to.

And I'm glad, I mean, I'm wrapping it up because they told me you had to get to a thing, so I know you do.

But what a pleasure, man.

Total pleasure.

Yeah, it's always a pleasure.

I'm so glad that we can not agree on everything and still be friends.

Because I always like

to do that.

You always entertain me so well.

I've seen you in a trillion things over the years, and it's always like, oh, you know, that guy's good.

He's just good.

You know, he's

entertaining, and he does.

You deliver.

Yeah, like you do.

You used to deliver.

I never phone it in, I'll tell you that.

No, no.

You got the biggest show in podcasts ever.

Do I?

Yeah.

I think that's why I'm here.

I think that's Joe.

That's what I was told by my public.

I think that's Joe Rogan.

No, no.

I think you're about to unseat it.

No, but we're doing it.

We're doing it.

You kept it up, baby.

Come on.

Let me grab this because we're going to do one last thing.

And while I do, yes.

I'm sorry.

And

what do you get out of this?

Is it raffle?

No, it looks like that.

But before you do,

Pluguizamo does America.

Yeah, so I got this MSNBC show on the very liberal network, MSNBC.

They call it MSDNC at the White House.

Oh, they do.

That's fucked up.

But this show is, I go around America looking for Latin excellence, Latin exceptionalism, genius.

And I go to six different cities every season.

And this time I went to Philadelphia, Denver,

San Antonio, Phoenix, and Raleigh.

Wow.

Yeah.

And then I meet all these great Latino activists, Latino politicians, chefs, artists, actors.

Yeah, and we sit down and we talk.

When does this start?

This starts July 6th.

July 6th.

Perfect timing.

What a pleasure, Bill.

Thank you for having me.

In your mansion.

Not a mansion, just a piece of land.

You know how long it took me to walk here?

It was like a a 15-minute walk

from the entrance.

It wasn't.

That's what we like about California.

We can light up.