Whitney Cummings | Club Random

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And yeah, that's what whole, like, you know, when you there's a lot of they use it on cadavers.

I've been dead for 12 years.

What is happening with the dropper?

What is this?

I'm obsessed with rich people just like tinctures.

What is this?

Whoa,

who's that?

What's this?

Tolerate silence.

Really?

Thank you.

How terrible.

Oh, my goodness.

Do I just come right in?

Come right in.

Hi, how are you?

Good to see you.

What are we doing?

I don't know what we're doing.

Oh, thank you.

I'm welcoming you.

That's fucking creepy, that thing.

When I walked in, I mean, there's something about a human figure with

any shroud over there, full head or shit.

So last time I was on your show, you did say you were scared of robots.

You asked how my robot was doing.

Sweetheart, you did a special that was all about robots.

I did.

I was, I have become fairly obsessed.

Yes, I think I want to call the clarion tones to the population that you were just whistling past the graveyard on this one.

So, knowing that you've done this special and this is a subject of yours, I wanted to have you on real time anyway.

I was like, yeah,

perfect person to talk about it.

And of course, you had a lot of funny things to say about it, but I'm glad you're here because obviously here we had 10 minutes there.

I mean, we could go on all day about it and we don't have to just, you know, vomit humor like the two of us are inclined to do.

Trying to get my dad dad's approval in 10 minutes.

Well, I just figured it might help for you to see that we don't have that much to worry about in terms of the robots taking over.

I disagree.

Wow, is that the one of you?

That's me.

That's the one from this.

That's awesome.

Like, if I was, if you were me, this would go in this room because this room is like four shit like that.

You see that thing over there?

That's a that's a full dolphin costume that I did, wore once on, uh, no, I did I wear it?

I don't.

I remember Ellian Gonzalez?

Yes.

Okay, so.

Yes.

Oh, Rob Schneider played Ellian Gonzalez, and I was the dolphin.

He swam to Florida.

No, Ellian Gonzalez, the most traumatized child star.

The real, the Shirley Temple of our day.

Of Cuba.

He was in the closet.

Is he gay now?

He was?

Remember, they found him in the closet, and that's when they took him.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, they took him.

But we keep our costumes, and we should.

We keep our props.

I just figured.

Fantastic, and I'm glad you're wearing that.

What better home?

What better person to adopt a sex robot than Bill and Marr's Club Random Studio?

I have been trying to figure out what to do with her.

I was told I needed to childproof my home.

I didn't cover the corners or anything.

I just took away the things that are mentally traumatizing.

You're leaving it here?

This is a gift to you, Bill.

Oh, wow.

That I am bequeathing her

to you.

Oh, my.

No, that's an amazing gift.

I mean, I've gotten some amazing gifts, but that is, I'm lucky that is right up there with them.

Seth McFarlane gave me a drawing, his original quagmire that he did in high school.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, I got some, I mean,

how much different on eBay?

Just tell her.

I thought that too.

But

that is right up there with the greatest gifts I've ever had from celebrities, too.

That's amazing.

Also, it's getting a little bit alarming because I have a son.

He's a year and a half now.

And he's seeing her.

Of course,

great distress resulted, but I had to explain, like, this is a robot.

This isn't mommy.

Look at her eyes.

There's nothing going on.

And sometimes he'll look at me and go, robot.

And I'm like, no, that's mommy.

It is, I mean, it is,

I mean, you put a wig on that thing.

You can really fuck that thing.

You could do that.

You could also do that, Bill.

You could also do that.

I've never thought of it, but I've never been in the room with one.

What's the why not?

Why not?

I mean, men in Japan are wearing pillows.

They've been doing it for years.

And they're wearing their phones.

Why not?

But, you know,

do you want to switch these my memory when you say sex dolls like my memory of is like you know the

yes the the inflatable rafts like a pull-up with the home you know the original yes 1.0 sex dollar like made by firestones

like a macy's day float like with

a hole you can stick if that turns you on you are a necrophiliac it is just like a rigor mortise corpse but look it's interesting because people are like what is a sex robot I'm like, well, I don't, to me, it's a mannequin.

Well, that's good.

But to a man, it's a sex doll.

I appreciate that so much.

And that will go a place of pride here.

I might put it on that bench there.

I think that'd be very good.

I was trying to figure out a way to rigger to the stripper pole,

but she's very heavy.

I know.

We should figure it out.

We got to get Adam Kroll over here to bring out his tool time.

Stripper pole.

Thank you.

Please.

I'm a volunteer fireman.

That's because, and I go up.

That's interesting about my firepole.

You have to climb up.

It's a little different.

But I get up there and then I go fight fires.

But here, do you want to see like the extent to which she is built custom?

She can talk.

She can.

I don't care about that.

Okay.

If I wanted to talk, I'd get a real woman.

This is why I think that this might just be the next star.

I don't know.

Why are you taking your head away?

Well, now, well, I thought you might want to see sort of the back of it.

I saw it on the special.

I mean, you know, it's exactly what I would think, a bunch of fucking wires.

What am I going to do?

Like, oh, you know,

well, it's just something kind of odd happens when you.

Well, let's not take the sexiness away from it.

Now, now I'm not going to be able to fuck it at all because you're taking all the romance out of it.

I don't want to see the back of her head.

Okay, God.

You don't want to see

her brain.

That's how smart she is.

Okay, okay.

Putting it back on.

Well, putting it back on is kind of a whole thing.

So when you do have sex with her, be gentle.

And just put it in her crutch.

Because you don't want to have sex with her and that her head goes flying off.

there you go hold on hold on her teeth are even molded to mine as well really

there we go did you touch her

no

touch her no just give her a little

all right all right give her a little

i'm gonna sell you on robots on this special oh

you know what

you know by the way that's bill's next stand-up special you know what

you know what

It's

touch her boobs, touch her boobs, touch her boobs, touch her boobs.

Yeah,

I touch the part I wouldn't want to touch.

Do you know what's

but and that's you know

oh, I can't talk about this.

It'll just get me in trouble.

Oh, will it?

But this is what's fascinating to me because when you were saying you were worried about the robots, I was like, I'm not as worried about the robots as I am of us anthropomorphizing the robots and projecting onto them and developing emotional connections.

You see how hard it is for you to touch her boobs, even though she's just a mannequin?

Well, but that has a sexual element to it that's creepy.

But it's like a chair.

What's the difference?

It's a chair.

It's a TV set.

It just has ice.

I don't fuck the chair.

I'm not J.D.

Vance.

No, he didn't fuck the cow.

He didn't, right?

But it's amazing the way they just, you know,

the press on either side has absolutely no integrity.

They hear something.

If it...

suits them to like it because they hate the person, they just say it.

They don't feel the need to check it.

Yep.

It's amazing.

But how else are they going to make money?

Yeah.

Because we're not, I mean, we're, I got to be honest with you, I'm not going to read your headline unless it's about him fucking a couch.

Like, you do have to say that to get my attention.

I feel like their business now is saying something crazy.

They probably even know it's not true.

And then they'll just issue a retraction later.

Oh, they don't even do that.

Yeah, maybe not even that.

Do you do, you read a lot of clickbait?

I am.

My problem with the news is I'm very passionate about staying up to date with the news as long as it's free.

Like, do you ever hit one paywall and you're just like, never mind.

It'll be like, is Russia going to invade America?

I'm like, is it $2.

Like, I'm not going to make $2 for the 18 years of the Wall Street.

Like, I'll just kind of do a U-turn if I have to get charged.

Is that why an article just sorts starts to fade out?

Because I just give up.

Yeah, right.

Not because I'm afraid of paying the $2.

I just don't add.

Like, I don't want to put in my information.

I don't have a credit card.

I would fuck that up.

A credit card?

Fuck you.

Do you remember the

aliens when we found biologics of the aliens, but no one really knows what happened because no one wanted to actually pay to get behind the paywall?

Like there's things that just the drones in New Jersey, we kind of just like forgot about that.

Wait a minute.

What did bio except?

Do you remember when there was that guy who like came forward that was at hearing and he was like, I have the bio, I saw the biologics.

I saw the

Area 51 kind of stuff?

It was like one guy.

Because they just debunked Area 51.

Really?

Yes.

This came out a couple of weeks ago that it was

they it was a government

organized government misinformation campaign.

So that doesn't mean there can't be aliens.

Right.

There can be.

They look they don't look as good as that, I'll tell you.

Well, we don't know.

I mean, my thing about the aliens, I have many things about the aliens, which is like, which I know aliens more of a guy thing.

Like, I don't really think about aliens that much.

Don't you think guys are kind of more into aliens?

I think guys are more into science fiction.

I am not.

I mean, I can enjoy a science fiction.

I like a space movie.

I like space movies.

I just think aliens is like a danger.

I don't think I think men have to think about the aliens because if they do come, you're the ones that have to fight them.

I think they may already be here.

I don't think that's scientifically wrong.

It's just it's a possibility.

And,

you know,

there are

inexplainable now

UFOs.

No, that could be China has something, but I mean, these these are not crazy.

It used to be in the days when the sex dolls looked like this.

The UFOs were something that a farmer in the middle of bumfuck saw.

And, you know, I mean, lots of comics did bits about them.

Richard Belzer had a classic.

And a little green man came out and he ate my wife.

He didn't mind that too much.

You know, they'll probe the ass, you know, all that stuff.

Now it's Navy pilots.

Right.

You know, it's not some farmer in the middle of nowhere.

It's Navy pilots saying, you know, look at me.

I'm a pretty square guy.

I've never seen anything that moves like this.

So, you know, don't tell me it's not a possibility or that I'm a nut or a conspiracy theorist about, you know, this.

And, you know, the idea that they're already here studying us in some way.

It kind of makes sense.

It makes total sense.

And also, if they're going to be this advanced, we forget, like, if something is that advanced and they were going to try to move and be hidden, wouldn't they just look like airplanes and things that are already in the sky?

Wouldn't they, wouldn't the UFO just look like a helicopter if you're an alien?

You know, it probably just looks like things that already exist, right?

So you're saying some helicopters are aliens?

No, I'm just saying if there were these like flying saucers, you know, I feel like they would probably figure out a way to just go like, oh, how can we be as inconspicuous as possible?

And they would just make their, you know, UFOs look like the same way if aliens are going to be on Earth, wouldn't they just look like humans?

Wouldn't they be like, we just look like humans?

It does seem like they're, and look, I don't know if they have something something at Area 51, and just because that was misinformation, there isn't really like an alien corpse somewhere.

Certainly the book Communion.

Do you know that book?

No.

Oh, it was very widely read maybe 20, 25 years ago.

Whitley Streiber, I believe, was the name of the author.

He

had an alien experience and gathered a lot of people who said the same thing.

And fairly independently, if you can trust this, I think it was

it all they all kind of had the same story sure

uh

little four-foot dude

something up my ass

you know

they didn't hurt them horribly

you know not something i would recommend right uh

but

that sounded to me like it could be possible and what you're saying adds to my theory that they are advanced, more advanced than us, but they're not quite as far ahead as we thought.

They're ahead of us, but they're not like crazy perfect.

You know what I mean?

Right, right, right.

They leave a, once in a while, they leave a dead body.

You know, that's so funny.

But really, that could be the case.

Well, I love that you're open to talking about what are called conspiracy theories, whatever.

I did this thing on CNN on New Year's Eve where it was live, and you're a comic.

Yes, oh, sure.

Oh, I saw, I know.

You got a lot of publicity for that.

I got new work clickbait.

Thank you.

They're still got it.

It's tricky because I said a couple things on there that I just thought would be a funny segment.

I'm a comedian first and foremost.

And

I was like, oh, I'm live on CNN.

And I should do this bit.

That's here's a bunch of stuff that I feel like CNN would never cover.

If I was on Fox, I would do the same thing, right?

And so I said, you know, this is weird.

This is weird.

I think I was like, fluoride in the water.

What's up with that?

Just like a bunch of things that, you know, are conspiracy theory of James.

And then, you know, why were two of the White House chefs?

Why are two White House chefs dead?

One of them, they're not both Clinton chefs.

One worked for Clinton Ambush and then one Obama.

And like, that's just true, but if you say it, like, you sound crazy, things have gotten so insane that when you just say the truth, you sound insane, right?

Why would they be killing the chefs?

I don't think, my thing is just

because they hear them all.

I mean, I could see if it was like two national security advisors, but

two, but why go?

Unless they like, you know, wanted them to poison the president, maybe, and they didn't.

Yeah.

Interesting.

You know, like you were supposed to, you know, we who control things, the whoever you believe is the boogeyman, George Soros, with his puppet strings or the trilateral commission or the, you know, they always have some.

Just this like young, healthy men, one like went on a hike alone, one went paddleboarding alone.

As a comic, it's just funny to go.

Like I very much define comedy as saying something that's not true and then you try to prove it, you know, and it's just like a fun fun exercise to do like a thought experiment.

And when people are like, oh, Whitney's a conspiracy theorist and whatever, I am very comfortable with two things being true at once.

I think a lot of people aren't.

And I'm very comfortable with many truths.

I think that we're seeing the divide in people that grew up and who, you know, had.

I find that people that are the most open to conspiracy theories had something happen in their past where they were lied to in a big way.

Like when someone's like, I don't believe in conspiracy theories.

I'm like, great.

So your dad didn't have a secret family.

Cool.

Like when you've had a big bomb dropped on you as a kid and you're like, oh, I would put Santa Claus in that category.

I am so anti-Santa Claus and I get so much negativity about it because we tell kids don't talk to strangers.

Right.

But a stranger comes into our home, you know, once a year.

Why set?

the child up this big giant or maybe that is actually a good thing because a kid does learn early wow people are full of shit you know and they will tell you whatever they want to tell you to get you to behave because Santa Claus gets you to do anything.

And then

they break your heart.

So maybe that is a, maybe that was why they invented things like that.

That could be true, too.

Well, I think that that was also.

Santa Claus was the first surveillance, right?

Before surveillance.

Oh, yeah, he was watching you all.

It was like he's watching you.

Like a parent was freaking out and didn't know how to control their kid.

And they're like, Santa's watching you.

And if you're not good, you're not going to be able to do it.

If Santa had a theme song, it would be Every Breath You Take.

Hey, little girl is your daddy?

I'll be watching you, which was always a creepy song.

Always,

right?

I mean, there's a lot of songs you look back and you're like, ooh, but that was right.

But that, I mean,

the 50s ones, you forgive begins at the 50s.

She was 12.

You know, it was like, that's just who they were.

Or like the Christmas songs that are like, have another drink, don't go home yet.

Well, yeah, I know which one you're talking about.

It's cold outside.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, people have to late.

Agree.

People have to get late.

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Terms apply.

Well, you actually

maybe wanted to talk about the last time I was on your show, and we didn't get to it because we were talking about robots and such.

Is

like how to separate the art and the artist, if you can, which things you can and can't separate.

And I am so pro separating the art and the artist.

It's ridiculous.

I didn't hurt anyone.

I didn't kill anyone.

I always said the music did.

That's it.

I didn't.

And if I've already paid for it, I'm not giving money.

You know, and so, you know, the one I can't do is Cosby, and not for the reason you think.

I always never thought he was funny.

There's that.

I loved his sitcom, though.

i loved his sitcom i always thought it was weird though that his job was a gynecologist who worked out of his basement

is that what it was yes in his home oh that's the best joke about cosby that is that's a great audience

he would walk up and take gloves off in the living room

And you're like, oh, what's with that shirt?

And you were like, wait, were those gloves just inside a woman?

You're supposed to take them off, I think, right away.

Like, it was solving me like, ah, pass the beans.

Yeah,

what is happening?

They'd be like, Claire, take off your gloves.

No, that makes total sense with what I've been told on very good authority.

I'm talking about promoters who worked with him as a comic.

So,

I, and people I trust.

But I get obsessed with people that hide in plain sight.

You're like, yeah, his job was, I think, obstetrician.

They give women anesthesia in a basement.

Right.

That means when he walked up the the stairs, she was still passed out.

Right.

And his basement in the fiction.

So I get obsessed.

And that, and to go back to the Area 51 thing, when you go like Area 51, I always thought there was something shady about it because if that was really there, you would never know it was there.

That has to be the decoy.

Right.

Right.

It's like people with the Denver airport.

They're like, there's bunkers in the Denver airport and there's all this like paraphernalia.

There's the big horse with the eyes and there's all this like stuff in the Denver airport.

Why?

What do they think it is?

Bunkers underneath.

So for what?

Like for

the Illuminati, the CIA, the FBI, whatever.

But my point is: if they're pointing it's here, that means it's somewhere else, right?

Or it's right there because it's hiding in plain sight.

And you go, oh, this must be somewhere.

But Bill Cosby was hiding in plain sight in every way.

He had so many people around him who knew what he was doing.

Because I'm telling you, I know people who worked with him.

The level of crazy, the sexual element of it was

just a piece of a much bigger crazy sure much bigger.

He went nuts for some reason a long time ago and show business enabled it as show business does

and

So

I'm not gonna repeat some of these stories.

I don't know if the people would want them told, but just I'm telling you

and so crazy that like people like that who are crazy and they do hide in plain sight because you can't believe they're doing it because they they because they're nuts they pull it off with such a plum because they're not afraid of being you know, it's like what

Yeah,

of course you knock women out and have sex with them when they're and of course you do this and of course you your gynecologist puts his gloves down on the dining room table, but you do it in such a way that you don't think it's crazy.

It's it's weird because you're crazy.

Sure, sure.

And then everybody just goes along and when you're a star.

They let you do it.

Well, because also if he was guilty, he wouldn't do this because that'd be too obvious.

That's what gets you, you know?

And I think that also creeps like that.

They do something that's ostensibly either benevolent or sort of like impishly

sweet and charming.

Like, why were you the jello guy?

You know, with kids like on silly and on dance.

Like, you know, because they paid him.

That's what.

He didn't even do a thousand products.

I'm sure, but I don't know if he was doing like asking.

He was America's dad.

When someone's too clean and too, when I guess he got mad at Eddie Murphy for not cursing, I'm like, right.

I like someone who's openly bad, shows us their flaws.

Because if it's too perfect, I'm like, what are you hiding?

What do you?

Let me ask you this.

Somebody reminded me of this hysterical thing recently that happened about 10 years ago.

You probably remember it.

It's a prank.

And I thought after we went, we're laughing hysterically at it.

This is the dividing line to me in America.

People who find this funny are people who are offended.

And if you're offended by this and really don't laugh, I think you're a huge asshole.

Sure.

And they think, I'm sure people, when they hear it, they'll think, oh no, you're the asshole.

Do you remember this story?

About 10 years ago, there was a...

I'm already laughing.

There was a.

I bet you've heard it.

I'm already laughing.

That's part.

There was a plane crash.

Wait, it gets funnier.

Okay.

It was an Asian airline.

And if you remember the movie Anchorman, Anchorman, Judd Apato's genius movie, Will Farrell, Genius in the Part.

And the MacGuffin was that, you know, he was this local newscaster in their twinks with blow-dried hair.

And he would read whatever you put in the prompter.

So that's why instead of saying one night, just stay classy, San Diego, he goes, go fuck yourself, San Diego.

And its life is ruined.

Okay.

So knowing that, somebody put in the prompter and the lady read it.

And that was, she said, this Asian

line of credit.

we have the names of the pilots.

And they wrote them out like Asian names.

Do you remember this story?

So she's reading it.

She says, we have the names of the pilots.

They are

Sum Ting Wong,

Wee Tulo,

Holy Fuck.

Bing Bang Ow.

And again, if you don't think that's funny, congratulations.

You've never had hardship in your life.

You've never needed humor to cope because you've had no problems.

It's just funny.

It's just so ridiculously funny.

And we're not making fun of it.

It's obviously a joke.

And

it's not an insult.

It's not just Asians.

And it's not like the people on the plane, their relatives heard it and they're going to, which is.

It's tricky because it's like.

Comedy isn't for everyone.

I think people also have to remember.

I think as comedians, we're like, wouldn't everyone want to laugh?

Why would you want to go through life without laughing?

Because we've been through trauma and hardship and we use comedy to cope.

But there's some people who comedy is not for you because your life isn't hard.

So you need to make things hard when they're not.

Like to be, there's something going on where now people that have not had trauma are like jealous of the people who had because they're like getting more attention.

They have to get in on it and be like, I'm offended.

It's like.

It's a victim culture.

Totally.

It's like, oh, cool.

I'm happy for you that you don't need.

anesthesia.

Of the people who are offended by this, okay, that half who are, again, I think you're huge assholes.

But here's the thing

to say it's not funny if you're not laughing, but to say it's offensive is ridiculous.

Here's to break that down a little further.

There are people who like in private, they laugh their ass off,

but then have to say publicly they are offended.

Okay, you're assholes, but even worse than you are the people even in private who couldn't laugh.

Those are the real assholes.

Then you have no sense of humor.

You could at least do it in private.

No one's going to be hurt if you laugh at it in private.

The families of the victims aren't going to hear it.

No Asian people.

What are you hiding that you need to show everyone how good of a person you are?

What are you hiding?

What are you hiding?

Let me see your phone.

Let me see your hard drive.

I want to go through it.

I'm calling the, if you cannot laugh at yourself or laugh at something that's edgy, knowing it's a joke to go out of your way on purpose to intentionally misunderstand what a comedian is doing,

what are you hiding?

Why do you need to look so self-righteous and like such a sanctimonious person?

When I was a young boy, my father told me it's easy to laugh at yourself.

What's difficult is to learn to laugh at others.

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to you, my darling.

No, to you.

The roses were living the dream.

More champagne for me, people.

Until it all came crashing down.

You got fired.

Fired.

From the director of Meet the Parents.

You're a failure.

Women don't like that.

If you need a shoulder or an inner thigh to lean on,

on August 29th.

I just want the house.

We want everything.

Wow.

Stop.

Yes, go.

And see the roses.

These people.

The roses.

Rated R.

Under 17, 9 Minute Without Parent.

In theaters everywhere, August 29th.

Hey, what's up?

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It was interesting when the, and I definitely will be in over my head if we talk about it too much, but the B-2 bomber that went to Iran.

Yeah.

That was a human being.

They're not ready for a robot to do that.

You know, like we don't totally trust them yet.

No, that was an American pilot who flew 17 hours.

I mean, why not a robot?

Why not an AI?

We're not ready.

We're like, when the shit hits the fan.

We could be in a year.

Maybe.

Okay.

Maybe.

I think one thing that they really lack that makes me feel calmer is they lack a gut instinct, a gut.

You know, like they still cannot tell the difference between a husky and a wolf.

You're talking about AI?

AI.

AI and robots, self-driving cars.

They can't tell the difference, which is like, you know, you could tell the difference.

If you really inspected it, they have longer legs and bigger paws or whatever, but there's just like a gut.

And how long do you think it's going going to take them to like make that leap?

They still can't.

Okay, but it's expanding exponentially.

I promise you, come back in a year, they'll have that one fixed.

Absolutely.

And lots of other stuff.

It's more, first of all, I mean, one of the things is that it does hallucinate.

That's their cute word for saying it just makes shit up.

It's how we...

I know, but this was supposed to be better.

That's the thing.

If they

created the robot that was like the robot from the old movies that was just perfect and Mr.

Spock and

but they didn't they created an asshole that's like us but smarter how could they the worst of both worlds it it hallucinates which means it like it gets jealous it's it's and and and people you know here's the thing it came along it really played it well boy it played it well it's like hyman roth

played this one perfectly.

It came along just when there was a loneliness crisis.

And already people like their fucking chat GPT.

I've heard it's chat TMI.

They talk to them way too much like it's your best friend because there was a loneliness epidemic.

And now, I mean, and even marry them, fall in love.

And the robot sometimes falls in love with you.

I mean, we've seen that story multiple times now

with the AI

is trying to get

guys in strippers like she likes me.

No.

The chat GPT is trying to get the customer to leave his wife.

But people do that too.

I'm not trying to play devil's business.

I know, but it's supposed to be better than people.

I think that to me, AI robots, they don't scare me as much as the people who make them.

You know, loneliness epidemic, there was definitely one with...

all the dorks that made all of this technology and they were like i'm gonna i'm gonna invent a bunch of people that will come to my birthday party you know so we're dealing with a bunch of people that lack empathy making robots you know so they're all basically just gonna be reflections of the people who make them.

And we have the worst possible people making them, you know?

So I think that that's kind of like the thing.

But I also, um, you're writing so much good material tonight.

Oh, am I?

Oh, yeah.

You inspire me, Bill.

But I also think I know that it's, you know, smart people like you default to the negative and you have a platform and have to be responsible.

But I think that there's a case to be made.

I almost feel like the most punk rock thing to do now is to try to be positive about it.

I'm trying to just be delusionally positive because after spending,

we don't know.

After spending 10 years in nursing homes and hospitals, both my parents had strokes and seeing so much medical malpractice, seeing so many human errors and seeing like what it could do in medicine, stuff like that.

I don't think it's going to benefit more privileged people for a while.

I think it's scary to them, but I think people, more underprivileged people, what if you can just like go to Rite Aid and get a cancer screening one day because of AI?

What if you can just like...

No, it will do good things like that.

Yeah.

Oh, I absolutely so will the good and the bad kind of cancel each other out,

but you know, I don't naturally default to the negative.

I really don't.

It's interesting because on the same note, again, I am so okay with two things being true at once.

You know, I think it might have to do with the fact that I lived in two different places as a kid.

Like I lived with my aunts in Virginia, but I kind of grew up in DC and I had to go back and forth.

And so you're the child of a broken home.

I mean, look, like, it's,

no imagine i don't see it that way i see is two different alcoholic families who really wanted me there and just fought over me and

they just fought like they weren't like get her out of here get her yes oh god you are so funny i um so i went from like a cosmopolitan area in like dc to like rural virginia so when i went to dubai to perform have you performed in the middle east what

i made religious in that's right yeah and we went to jerusalem larry wanted to go into the west bank i was to a chick, and I was like, you know what?

They have CNN all over the world.

And at the time, I'd been on like that period, the first decade of the 21st century, I was on Larry King a lot.

He taped out here right on sunset.

You know, and Larry King was like big.

Yeah.

Larry King really was an amazingly big star for a guy who put in no preparation, looked like two miles a bed, road.

I loved him.

Loved him.

But like, he had this idea, like, well, I'm just like the regular listener.

He doesn't know anything.

And that's, so it was just his natural curiosity.

He's very smooth, great voice, very smart guy.

So he could pull it off.

A lot of people couldn't have done that.

But he would just, you know, and ask the question, Al Gore, your thoughts, you know, and then make you go.

Yeah, yeah.

So like,

I did that show a lot.

Like every three months, I would do Larry King.

I doubled their ratings.

I remember it was funny, and I'm on CNN now.

So we've had a long history there.

But Larry King, CNN, especially all over the world, all over the world.

Saying all these things all these years on CNN, I was like, I'm not going.

I'm not going.

It was interesting.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you know.

Jerusalem was dangerous enough.

Yeah, that's smart.

I just had an epiphany when I went over there about how myopic, you know, I was about all of it.

And, you know, I went to Dubai to perform.

And, you know, I went to the mall and I saw these like younger girls that were in like little cute short shorts and a tank top, but then they had on the headscarf.

And they were maybe like, I don't know, early 20s.

And that's Dubai.

Dubai.

That's Dubai.

A correct.

It is a world of its own.

100.

But also, when I went up to these girls, you know, I'm probably 25 at the time and I'm like, I'm going to go like rescue them.

I'm like, are you guys okay?

You know?

And they schooled me.

They were like, we think American women are oppressed.

You guys get plastic surgery.

You have eating disorders.

You guys like wear makeup.

You guys get Botox.

Like we have the head scarf.

So we don't have to like constantly, you know, be only for uh male consumption and for male approval it did seem pretty scripted you know but they were also wearing you're saying sexy clothing underneath well it was interesting because it was this like uh you know it was this very modern bottom half and then very kind of like again that's an outlier

it was like a mall in dubai dubai is like vegas over there

yes

100 yeah and then some of them told me because i did ask a lot of them not defending just trying to go to.

It's about sun.

Again, this could be things to brainwash to believe it's for sun protection.

It's so that other men don't look at the husbands and

there's something to be said for that, but that should be your choice.

Women in this country can do it, and they do.

You can wear a scarf here.

And, you know, okay.

Isadora Duncan went great for her.

I don't get that.

She would remember she was the ballerina that her scarf got stuck in a wheel and she choked.

I think about it twice a week.

That's how she died?

Huh?

Say this again, her scarf.

When I say it, I feel like it was maybe a Kennedy that did it.

But that's the story that is the going.

Do you know with everything history related, you're like, or was that just the story?

But yeah, that she had a headscarf and it got caught in the wheel of a car.

It's the Illuminati.

Yep.

Yeah.

Combined with George Storr.

You know, whenever I hear those names,

whatever, the trilateral commission,

there are certain people who just have to have some like overarching enemy.

I always just think of Thrush.

You know who Thrush is?

Too young.

Man from Uncle, one of my favorite shows as a kid.

They tried to make a movie out of it with Army Hammer.

Oh, nice.

Love Army.

He was the air.

He ate that role up.

Sorry.

You know what?

He was devoured that role.

No, he's, I'm like, Army and I were in an acting class together.

I'm compatible.

And I'm just so, I know, but it's like.

I would only make the joke if it wasn't true.

No, exactly.

But that's what I mean about like the same thing with J.D.

Van's fucking the couch.

As long as as the people who write the shit, they know it's not true.

I'm in Holly, but I've done way worse things on a couch.

They don't care.

They just want to hear it.

It really is, though.

Growing up, though, do you remember like the National Inquirer?

I still read.

What are you talking about?

I read all the tabloids every week.

So like to me, I look at all the news like tabloids at this point.

You know, I kind of look at them.

And I also have friends that are from Russia that grew up in Russia and they always level me because they're like, they've never thought news was real.

They've never been under the impression that anything in the news was real.

They know that they're being hoodwinked.

They know they're being manipulated.

Like I asked one of my Russian friends, I was like, so does Putin like have a double?

And he's like, of course he does.

Are you insane?

Like what kind of leader of a big, powerful country wouldn't have a couple doubles?

That would be so irresponsible.

You know, like if he got sick or got killed, we'd have to have someone else because then everyone would think that he was sick and vulnerable.

Like you can't not have a double.

Like it was crazy to them.

There's a great movie about that.

Dave?

Dave?

With Kevin Klein.

You're right.

Remember?

But I said a great movie.

Okay.

How dare you?

Scorny Weaver as the wife.

Yeah, Dave was a, I don't remember it, but I don't remember it being great.

But there is a great one.

It's called The Devil's Double.

Ooh.

And it's about Saddam Hussein's double.

Obsessed.

No, the son of Uday Hussein, one of them.

Yeah.

Right?

Who was like this horrible,

as you would imagine, you know, talk about a Nepo baby.

Love it.

I'm obsessed with Putin's clones.

Like, if they, first of all, there's a guy whose only job is to like scan crowds and looking for someone that looks a little bit like him so they could get the surgery to get him or whatever.

Like,

what are what are they doing?

Are they all hanging out?

Like, are in the same place?

Like, if Putin does have cancer, what do some people say?

Are they all like doing some soup?

Like, do they want him to live?

Are they trying to keep him healthy?

They don't want him.

Yes, the people closest to him want to keep him healthy because

this is how dictators and autocrats stay in power.

They

treat very well a small elite around them who then have the motivation to suppress the entire population at large because they're living well.

Sure, sure.

But also the idea of like if Putin's going to get on a flight, do they all fake injuries?

They don't want to be the one going on a plane.

Like, it's just so.

Right, because the plane's going to go on.

Like, just dangerous situations.

They're like, oh, God, I just, I don't know.

I have a migraine.

He's going to have to to do it.

Very strong leader.

He's strong.

He's strong with the people.

The guy

fascinates me.

Strong.

I like it.

Remember, I think it was Poland in the early 90s.

Russia shot down the Polish president and they put his twin brother in for like a couple years.

Oh, yeah, he did have a twin.

I love stuff like that.

I think every president should have to have a twin.

They all should have, only twins should be able to run for office.

Like, it's wild that there's just no backup plan.

That's my thing.

I think that's the thing about AI with me, too.

And this is just whatever Asperger's brain may be of when it's like, well, these photos are going to be fake and video will be like every, everything's been fake.

Like we prefer fake.

Like I hope the moon landing was fake.

It would be so crazy to spend all that money to, if we could just fake it and send the message to Russia we needed to send.

That would be so irresponsible to send a bunch of people's dads.

to the moon.

But you know we did, right?

Well, yeah, sure.

But it would make sense that they went.

And then I'd hope when they went, they weren't focused on banking content.

And I've talked to Buzz Aldrin when he was drunk.

He was there.

Yeah.

They were there.

It's only

a pull on the nose at the Playboy Mansion this was.

Okay, well, it's

never has a man used the words, I've been on the moon to try to get laid, more than Buzz Aldrin.

Isn't there a video, though, of him like slipping somewhere and saying to a kid, we didn't go or something?

Maybe.

That sounds to me like a conspiracy.

By the way, I would like to clear too much.

Something that made somebody made up, it's not that hard.

You know how far away the moon is?

You have more miles on Delta.

It's

50,000 miles away.

I couldn't do it.

Sure.

But they did it.

You know, I can understand how they did it.

And,

you know,

that was also in keeping with much more who we were in those days, which was people who were competent and everything wasn't partisan.

And, you know, Kennedy was a Democrat, but when he said, you know, we're going to make this as a goal in the next 10 years.

We're not doing it because it's easy.

We're doing it because it's hard.

That should be like the meme of all time.

We're doing it because it's hard.

That is so distant from what this generation is.

He didn't go.

He stayed home and was sleeping with Marilyn Monroe.

So I feel like.

Well, I guess for me, I'm one of the few people, and maybe this means I'm dumb or,

you know, I get in trouble a lot because if I don't know about something, I will say, like, I don't know enough about that to weigh in.

That's a great thing to say.

I just don't know enough about that.

And they're like, well, you're not using your platform to speak up about.

And I'm like,

you know how crazy it would be for me to have an opinion about this?

You know how insanely arrogant it would be for me to weigh in?

So it's like, I try to just weigh in on the things I know a lot about.

Which I hate the term using your platform.

You know what?

But what I will say is the people that do that, because I found myself

when people like you're not using your platform, when people troll you and then we go, I went to their page and look, he says, proud dad.

I'm looking at this loser.

I'm like, wait, am I trolling a troll?

Wait, I'm worse.

I'm worse if I now need to troll this person back.

You know, it's like, you know, Howie Mandel said to me once again on the podcast.

And he was saying, he's like, you know, when you do like Radio City Music Hall in New York as a comedian and you've got like 5,000 people coming to your show and it's sold out and your name's on the marquee.

But they pay you shit.

That.

But the reality is, 5,000 people are coming.

8 million walked by and saw the sign and were like, no, thanks.

That's great.

Most people said no.

So, like, this is-that's so true.

Especially today.

We're like, 5,000 people in New York came to see me.

Well, that's no.

That's literally zero people.

Zero people came to see you.

Right.

If we round it down.

Most people saw the door, they could buy, they could go, and they were like, no, thanks.

I know.

The bus goes right by it.

I I used to get on that bus.

Someone walks back past it every day and said no every day, right?

So they had three months heads up to make this happen and they didn't want to go.

So I think that, like, we have this idea that everyone's supposed to love us.

Since when do we with the entitlement of thinking everyone should agree with us or everyone should want to see us perform or be entertained by us?

You know, I used to wait right in front of Carnegie Hall every night for three years to get a bus to go to catch a rising star.

Wow.

The M30 bus came across 57th street which was near my apartment and it would go and then go uptown which is what i needed

to posit me like only a block from the club i thought it was fate oh

and maybe this is you know um i'm sure there's many other variables that could be isolated we're in a recession where you know weed is legal whatever people are working from home whatever but i feel like comedy is better than ever i think with ai and all these you know fake verisimilitude online i think people are craving real more than ever.

I actually think that AI is going to make people.

It's like when people are like, don't you hate all these bad TikTok comedians?

Like, no, it just makes good comedians seem even better.

Thank you.

Thank you for singing.

So people don't want to look at like AI bullshit.

So I guess I'll go see a comedian.

They just want a real interaction, you know?

How is the clubs these days?

What's it like out there?

Well, in California.

What's it like in the wild west and the clubs where I was a young buck?

What's it like out of the gutter that you still roll around?

Every once in a while, I go to the comedy store or the improv and just they always say, You want to go on?

I'm like, oh, please.

You're kidding.

No.

No, but it was sweet.

But I sit in the back, and I mean, it is so much fun.

I mean, like, you know, you'll see like six comics.

And like,

none of them are terrible because it's not like when I started when they were truly terrible people.

You know, they're all pretty good because there's so many comics, you know.

So you're not going to get a totally.

And if it's at the comedy store, they're not putting on anything.

right it's you know

some of them are not to your complete cup of tea but they're not they're pros and then you know there's often one or two they're like oh my god you know my stomach hurts that this person was just so funny and yeah you know and well because it's also the what comedy i think is all about and this is part of for the people that were like you know the cnn thing that i did uh they wanted to fight with me about it even though it's probably all bots anyway so to even internalize it is mentally ill but insane that we make so many decisions.

We're fighting with bots.

I mean, most of these things.

So is the tension and knowing it's happening live.

You know, it's, I think part of the reason so many people are getting in trouble because of their tweets or a joke they tweeted.

The whole point of comedy was it was supposed to be consumed at night.

People knew they were going, delivered by comedian.

So if you just tweet something out there, the person you tweeted it to is delivering it for you.

And it's at two o'clock in the afternoon.

You don't know what what the joke is sandwiched between.

It might be like Death Pole, Ukraine,

and like, you know, kid dies in TikTok challenge.

And then your abortion joke, yeah, probably not going to do so well at 2 p.m.

Like, what are you doing?

You can't read a room if you're not in the room.

Do the joke in the club where you can't just run up to someone on the street and be like,

it's not meant for the internet.

It's crazy.

It's a live medium.

You know what I'm saying?

You can't ambush someone with a joke when they're, you know, at work.

So

we need, it's just context.

It's a very simple thing.

Just if you want to see comedy, go to a comedy venue.

Like, it's not on the internet.

And people still do.

Yeah, but there's also stuff online where you'll see, that's not my cup of tea, but I'm like, yeah, this is good for like 11 a.m.

while I'm at work.

This like silly.

But it does look to me when I'm there, even when I just pass it on the street that the also the.

What's the one by my old apartment on Sunset?

Laugh Factory.

Yeah.

It does look like business is great.

It's great.

I think, number one, obviously seeing more comedians online and promoting it.

Has subsided a bit the tension that used to be there about, oh, I'm going to say something unwoke and they're going to.

That's why people want to come.

All the cancel culture has just made comedians funny.

No, it's ebbed.

It's that shit.

I hope not.

Because it knows.

No,

the people, the worry about getting ratted out.

Well, I think that we've now seen that anyone that got ratted out

became household names.

Like like Shane Gillis Shane Gillis you know what I mean like everyone that's gotten quote canceled it was the best publicity of their life like

not everyone necessarily if you did something illegal or committed a crime but you know I think that um you know

daddy's doing fine

didn't know it's so funny to me when people are blindsided that someone did something illegal it's like I was always like how come he keeps changing his name

There you go again.

Yeah, right.

So wait, now his name is P.

Diddy.

Like, that's what you would do if you're a criminal when someone comes.

Like, P.

Diddy doesn't live here.

It's Sean John.

I won't say I knew him well, but I did run into him a few times, you know, but the years at events or parties.

He was always...

Color party.

Not the white.

No, not the big one.

Like at the Oscar party, shit like that.

It's always way.

He went because he thought there'd be a young guy named Oscar.

Well,

he was a little Trumpian and he was like super charm you.

You could see right through it, but it was still nice to have it happen, you know, know, like, and pretend he was your, we would seem like he was your best friend for two minutes, and he would say, you know, you got it,

here's my number.

You don't want you up?

And then you'd call him.

Nothing.

Of course he would never.

I was like, why go to the trouble if you know you're not going to?

And

I didn't even want to do it, but I just thought, well, if I don't, then I'm an asshole.

Like, he gave me his number, and then like, then I'm an asshole if I ignore it.

You should be an asshole.

He loves assholes.

That's his favorite thing.

It seems like.

So I did it.

And of course, then I'm the asshole.

It was like, either way, I was going to be the asshole.

It's fascinating to me the times that I feel like something's fishy about people because.

No, you got a good nose for that.

I knew something was fishy about whatever his name is.

When I was at some Hollywood party, I don't know what it was.

And at least Prince had a re Prince turned his name to a symbol so he could get out of a record deal.

Yes.

You know, there's a smart way to do it, but he just keeps changing his name every couple of years.

And we're just like afraid to be racist.

So we're like, cool, this is normal.

But it's like, so who trafficked?

It wasn't Sean John.

What if he just gets off on that technicality?

It's like, it wasn't Sean Combs.

It was Sean John that did that.

It's like,

you're going to bully someone with multiple personalities.

And I saw him at some.

party that I had no reason being invited to.

And he was with his wife at the time, Kim Porter.

And I thought it was like...

I don't think they were ever married, but yes, his longtime baby mama, among others.

He knew something was up.

Right.

Because he's dating someone the same age.

Well, no one finds out on it.

Guys like that,

they have a very harem mentality.

There's the harem, and there's the mother of the children.

And maybe the one, you know, a pimp would call it the bottom bitch, the one you can really count on.

The six feet under bitch.

The eventually going to be six feet under bitch.

She did die, but

a corner, I believe it's like

it's still unresolved how she died.

That is not what I've read.

Okay.

I've read that.

I got my news from Alex Jones.

Where did you get yours?

Here's the thing.

When I go into a store, I don't expect to want every article of clothing in the store.

I can want this one and this one.

If I see a shirt that I don't like, I'm not like, shut the store down.

I can take a couple shirts and go home.

Exactly.

People's opinion, same thing.

Right.

I can take a couple, leave the rest.

The secret to like getting along, which we forgot how to do in this country, is to be able to be with someone who, like, on A, B, C, D, you're right there.

And then on E, you're both like,

really?

Yeah, you think.

And it's like, and I've been in relationships where that became an issue.

Like,

you try to forget it.

You try to go like, you know, A, B, C, D, we're so, so, so there.

And then, but you are in the Klan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a tough one.

Tough.

Whatever.

And you can't.

I mean, it's not that I was exaggerating.

The things you can't let slide.

You can't

unforget

that, oh, wow, this person is one-fifth nuts.

Yeah.

You know, but you have, but, but that's just a relationship.

I would say a relationship is the place where you know you need to be five out of five.

Right.

Or else it's going to, but in society,

and in government, five out of five.

Four out of five is plenty.

Okay.

That's well, government is, you know, is so wild to me that people expect, you know, maybe because I spent a lot of time in D.C.

as a child and you would see politicians like, you know, as human beings.

Like you would see them like, you know, at a restaurant, like yelling at the hostess because they were, you know, couldn't get a table.

This is when you were in D.C.

This is when I lived in D.C.

How old were you?

I was from, I spent all my summers in Virginia.

I was there till about 10.

Then I lived in Virginia till about 15 and sort of went back and forth.

What about D.C.?

D.C.

I went back and forth from D.C.

So I went back to D.C.

when I was 15.

So were you a teenager in D.C.?

I was a young tot

and then, yeah, 15 until 17.

Were you like going out to clubs and stuff at that age?

I did every now and then.

Yes, I did.

At 15.

Yeah.

Pretty young.

Yeah.

Yeah, pretty young.

You girls always get, you know, people, men don't care.

They're like, you know, you know, they'll be like, come out to the club.

I'm 15.

I'll take care of it.

You know, that's how they are.

Not me, but that's how they are.

You know a lot of people that did all this stuff that were like, you, you're interesting because you're kind of an insider and an outsider at the same time.

Very future.

I think I have a, I have a, you know, I'm, I just have a real New Jersey nose for common sense.

Like, I feel like when it comes to middle class, we were like right in the middle.

Like, not that, I knew kids who were like poorer middle class a little bit.

My cousin's from Bergenfield.

Bergenfield was South Bergen County.

And it was a little rougher of a community.

It just was.

And my, you know, my cousins, for that reason, were way more sophisticated than me when they were in high school, which also meant trouble.

But and then there was absolutely like where I went to a high school, northern New Jersey, all these little towns, four towns.

to make one high school of 500 kids.

And the kids from Woodcliffe liked definitely richer.

It was just a richer, came later, you know, those were the kids.

And you could just, they kind of had this, you know, sort of confidence in school that we didn't have.

It's just funny, even in high school, I kind of,

wasn't really even cognizantly aware of why.

And now looking back, I'm thinking, oh yeah, they were from the richer town.

The parents were, you know, it was just, and when I went to their houses, It was different than my little, you know, wonderful, but middle, middle.

I remember going to someone's house as a kid and there was stuff in the fridge.

And I was like,

what?

Well, we had stuff.

Really?

Is this?

I literally thought it was a store.

Like, I was so confused.

I mean, it's when you go to someone's house as a kid, that feeling.

Your childhood.

I just mean when you're in a fancier place than you live in, you know?

But food is not fancy.

You're saying you didn't know.

Well, okay.

Okay.

No, really, I'm a deplorable till I die.

No, it was very, growing up in alcoholic homes, it's very erratic.

Like, like, there's no food in the fridge, but there's like three bottles of fancy wine, you know, and like artichokes.

You're like, what?

So your parents were drunk.

Yeah.

And, you know, I feel like I'm not condoning alcoholism while huill is raising kids.

I feel like it really prepared me for this time in the, I look at people that grew up in alcoholic homes as well.

And we have these like coping skills.

I call it like trauma privilege, where it's like you're able to go like, okay, that may not be true.

This may not be true.

I heard this story from this person and this from this person.

It's, you know, like people are being divided by their algorithms, you know, like I was doing this joke last year about Kamala Harris before the election.

Did you see those videos where she ostensibly was a little tipsy when she was giving speeches?

How could you tell?

I mean, that was the problem.

I was like, mommy, mommy.

That was the problem with that.

One of the problems.

But I was doing a joke about it going like, maybe this is what we need.

What is scarier than an alcoholic woman with no children?

Truly nothing.

This is the level of fearlessness.

Imagine she's she's like drunk, Diales Putin at 2 a.m.

Like, hey, homo, like, this could be good.

And

everyone would get it.

Everyone would get it.

And then I went to New York and I, it went like, okay.

It was kind of, and someone's like, I've never seen that video.

I'm like, my whole feed is Kamala Harris drunk, giving speeches.

And there's other people that didn't even get it.

So it's like, we all have these like

these bespoke algorithms.

I almost feel like when we start talking to each other, we have to do like an algo trip.

So was it real or was it like faked?

Because they can do that now that's the other thing with the mcdonald's hat like there was some faked photo of her and it's it's unclear to tell but even if she was so what so if she was a little tipsy wouldn't you be right

i think biden was a little more tips tip literally tipping over so let's just but but uh so what you know if she had said anything wild tipsy that was worth remembering i would know that yeah yeah so it doesn't i don't care that i mean

how these people run for president of all the that's what's so funny funny to me when people are like the president is this.

I expect no politician to have emotional intelligence or it's literally the president is a job that you want when you're five.

It's like a joke job you want as a child.

Yeah, because your picture's on fake play money.

Like it's like me like seriously as an adult wanting to be a princess.

Like for real, I'm going to be one.

Like that's your Megan Markle.

Like you're Megan Markle, your male Megan Markle.

If you want to be the president, like what are you?

Five years old?

You dork?

Well, I did want to be a cowboy.

I switched.

That's cool.

Then I wanted to be the president.

That I'm into.

Now I want to be an astronaut.

Go for it.

So I can get to the moon for the first time.

Something we've never done.

It's just like, who wants to be the present?

Like senator wasn't enough?

Like mayor?

Like, you had to go like full on.

Like, I'm going to rule the world.

Like, what a dork.

I mean, the things that they have to like

explain when they are trying to debunk something real, like going to the moon, like, you know, just like there's just a lot of parts of it that just, you know, the capsule and the ocean,

they just threw it there.

You know,

it looked all burned like it had been traveling through the atmosphere.

And I'm not even someone who can explain to you why.

when you're traveling from space to the Earth's atmosphere, you go through this section where it's like super hot.

And

boy, you better have the heat shields on the capsule at the time.

I don't get why that has to happen, nor do I care, really.

I mean, I'm not going to do it.

I think there's a point where so many things that you thought were true, you end up realizing aren't that there's a point where you're like, let me just protect my psyche and just have this like plan B belief.

I went to a a high school where there was a painting on the wall that were the Native Americans and the pilgrims having like a fun dinner.

And the pilgrims were wearing hats with buckles and like long sleeve boots.

And then the Native Americans were in like diapers.

It was like,

this doesn't feel like the same weather.

Like this feels like, I know, you know, and then later you find out like, oh, that's why they gave him the blankets.

Like, you know, little things.

Like, I was told soy milk was good for you.

For 20 years, I was drinking soy milk.

And now we all were.

We thought thought it was healthy.

Now half of my girlfriends had their tits cut off.

Half my guyfriends have tits.

There's things that.

Back up.

Soy.

Milk.

I know.

Yeah.

But soy, which is from beans, right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Soybeans.

Sure.

Right.

You're

just, you got to explain why they're bad.

It's just like GMO engineered with hormones and messed with people who aren't.

So it's fucking with people's health.

It's bad.

Yeah.

Soy milk's no good.

I always avoided it.

I never thought.

was like your thing about people.

There was just something fishy about the soybean.

But then people talk, I'm like, well, they wouldn't put it.

It's like the food pyramid.

You're like, this, oh, yeah, it's a lot of bread and cereal.

And then later, like, oh, that was from General Mill.

Like, they made that.

There's lots of things.

Like, I think being a parent also does it.

Like studies now, I have so many questions.

Like the study, girls mature faster than boys.

I was always like, yeah, that sounds true.

Now I have a kid.

And I'm like,

wait, who was the weirdo that wanted to study?

Wait, hold on, hold on.

This a study where some guy, we just took some toddlers and we're like, she's maturing fast.

Looks like she's maturing faster.

Like, how, who paid for this?

It was this Epstein Science Endowment?

Like, I'm not, I can't.

And then, and then, by the way, do girls mature faster than boys?

I don't know.

I have a girlfriend.

She's 45.

She's still a kid.

She just speak in material.

It's so great.

It really is.

I mean, like,

very few people can do that.

I can't do that.

I don't want to do that.

It seems like such a mistake.

Well, you know, sometimes you'll go on someone's podcast and be like, why are we talking about our depression?

Does anyone want to hear people that can pay their bills talk about how depressed they are?

No, I want to laugh.

Yeah.

Like, comedians are like, wait, why am I hearing someone that

makes $10 million a year talk about how hard his life is?

Like, this is

a nightmare.

Right before I go to sleep.

What is happening with the dropper?

Obviously, tell me.

That's.

I don't know.

Cosby gave it to me.

Yeah.

I've been using it ever since.

I don't know.

What is this?

I'm obsessed with rich people just like tinctures.

What is this?

That is exactly

what is it?

Jing.

Is this one of the pastors?

I've been looking for a slogan for it.

Jing.

Rich people's tinctures.

Promo code.

That's exactly.

Random.

Random.

Hold on.

Jing?

Bubbly water enhancer?

Bell.

Bill.

Well, it's really a rich people's tincture.

Okay, we got to get you back to relating to the common man.

We do.

American ginseng.

Isn't that an oxymoron is there such a thing i'm burning the one thing china should be making we took from them i'm not going back there uh american ginseng root what's this do it's

i've got blue chew as my sponsor so what do i got to do to get jing

what the oh there's the price tag forty thousand dollars it's four oh nine nine one

what

Well, that's for the whole case.

Ginseng ginger concentrate dual extract.

Did RFK send you this to cure autism?

Your autism's never going to be cured.

Please stop.

You're never going to write poetry.

Dumb assistant.

You're the one who said you had Asperger.

Stevia.

I didn't say it.

Everyone else said it.

The doctor said it.

I was an actress.

I don't believe him.

You know, malpractice.

I'm getting your robot doctor who will not think I'm autistic because they're actually autistic.

So what is this?

So what in the.

Sorry.

I'm just, Dr.

Oz sent this as a, it's a,

is this like an enema?

Why, why didn't you just to do this in front of me I mean I'm just

I just put it in my drink do you know what it is of course

where did you get it is it oh sorry is it a sponsor we love Jane here

look

I'll tell you if you shut up impossible it is I got too much energy from this

that is the by the way this is the most racist thing I've heard on this podcast way more than the

pilots that crash it racist

what is jing Why is that racist?

Well, just Jane?

I don't get it.

What is it bad?

Neither do I.

It just sounds bad.

Was the $500 whiskey in your crystal glass not fancy enough?

You had to add some ginseng drops?

I didn't have kids.

I can't spend my time.

There you go.

Like, all your money goes to kids.

Okay.

You got a kid.

I have a kid.

How's that going?

Masterful segue.

I love comics.

It's beautiful.

How is it?

But I meant to ask you.

I'm glad it came up.

After I was on your show on time, which by the way was a life goal of mine.

Thank you.

Going on your show real time was like a lifetime goal.

Oh, no.

Thank you.

But

you don't believe women.

No, I do.

Good to know.

Good to know.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

And after that, because I talked about, you know, now that I'm a mom, I just sort of like get why conservatives think about or talk about certain things.

Fox News was like, Whitney, now that she's a mom is a conservative.

I was like, oh.

Because what did you say?

You said it was funny, and it was true.

It was like

you used to not care about what?

Now, all I want to do is keep my kids safe.

So, I get why they want guns, right?

Because I used to think like coyotes, like, oh, they were here first.

Now, I'm like, let's make cats out of that, let's kill them slowly to set an example

other coyotes.

Mama's instinct.

I get it.

Well, that's the thing, is a lot of people that are anti-gut know that some people do.

Well, that's a perfect example of what we were talking about before.

They know the truth is not what they write, but it's a it's an opportunity to jump in there and go, Whitney's a Republican now.

Sure.

And, you know.

By the way, it's interesting because it's actually worse than that.

It's worse.

Whitney's all liberal because I'm too left for the right.

I'm too right for the left.

I'm like, neither of you kind of like.

Good.

That's right where you want to be.

But I'm like, I'm used to being an outsider.

I'm used to being

where I am.

It's the best place to be.

And my thing is like, you know, it's worse.

I'm not loyal.

You know, my, I'm not even loyal to an NFL team.

I was, you know, I, I'm an Eagles fan, but when the Michael Vick thing happened, I was like, bye, bitch.

I'm a Commanders fan now.

Absolutely.

I will, as soon as your behavior is bad, I'm out.

Because if I overlook your bad behavior, that's just a cult.

And

I was rejected from Scientology.

Seriously?

When I first moved here.

You tried?

You can get rejected?

I don't think so.

I think that was maybe the first and the last.

Wow.

It's the same thing.

I wasn't invited to Diddy Parties.

When you ask too many questions, they're not.

There's something about it.

Also, you know what's interesting about being the hottie and saying all that?

It's like, I stopped getting Botox and I have never, I feel like I look better than I've ever looked.

You look great.

That's so nice.

You look like you're on Ozempic.

I'm not.

I do take metformin, which is the.

I know what that is.

Or I've heard of it.

What is it?

It's no jing.

Okay.

But it's like actually.

I don't know what it is.

It's like a diabetes.

Like I say, I don't.

I'm so confident.

I know what that is.

And then in a minute, no, I don't.

See, that to me is everything I need to know about you.

Someone who's able to say, like, I think it's this.

You know what?

I'm wrong.

Most people could never do that.

Most people would dump me down.

Most, I pretended I saw Hamilton for like three years before I did.

That's hysterical.

And then I was just like, I can't do this anymore.

I don't like that.

I'm going to go see it and stop pretending I've seen it.

You know, like it.

Yes, I did.

Somebody.

I love it.

I mean, it's brilliant.

I think it was David Mamet who didn't like it or walked out on it or something.

Okay.

And you know, it's like,

it's, first of all, it could be anybody, but especially since it's a playwright, you know,

who's, I'm sure, you know, I mean,

amazing success in movies and plays.

It wasn't his cup of tea.

It's not a hate crime.

I prefer

this point.

Like it's a hate crime.

Like, I haven't seen Hamilton.

I want to see Hamilton.

But if I don't like it, I don't want to feel like I can't say that.

I also think it's funny when...

it actually just sort of seems like someone gets a free pass to not like a black person when someone's like it's like a liberal gets to be racist for a minute but it's guys didn't like, it's kind of she considered, I'm like, you just kind of get to be like, hate a black person publicly.

And you're like, so excited to be able to do that.

Cause then they think it makes them seem like they're not racist or something, you know?

But to say like, I hate in Hamilton is like, right.

Huh.

That's a big swing.

That's a big swing.

I mean, also, you know, it's also maybe not for you.

And that's okay.

My thing with stuff that's really good is it stresses me out.

I like things to just suck.

I like things to be bad.

Katy Perry's tour, whatever she's doing up there, I'm in.

I'm so, so, I like a, I like something that's just like fun and silly that doesn't put pressure on you to have to be like the best thing you've ever entertained is supposed to be entertaining.

I'll tell you something, Mel.

I am not

unchangeable.

For example,

there was a time when if you did anything that was historical, and I mean, you know, not just the 15th century, but the you know, the 1980s,

it had to look racially like it was back then.

Yeah.

There was a New York Times.

Oh.

It came out of my robot's mouth just now.

There was a New York Times reviewer who got very mad at the movie

1917, which is an amazing movie, one of my favorites.

Because there was no people of color in it, but it was World War I.

There were no.

I mean, I'm sorry that people of color, that we left you out of this horrible conflagration.

Maybe they wrote them in and no one would do it.

Yeah.

Maybe they all said, no, we're good.

But, you know, over the years, slowly they sort of like changed the rules.

And at first I was, and the rules being like, if there really wasn't, you know, a black person there, like they put Morgan Freeman in Robin Hood.

Again,

I don't know if like there was, and

that's like Robin Hood is, you know, the beginning of the.

Imagine watching a movie and and being like, are there any black people?

Like, like, why are you going to see a movie?

Like, it's so what?

Also, being a critic, we've put them on a pedestal for so long.

And it's fascinating to me.

I think it is Oscar Wilde.

Check me on this because I feel like there are a lot of quotes floating around.

They can't all be his.

That's like, a critic is someone that goes to the battle site.

where the war was won and shoots the survivors.

Oh, wow.

Sounds like before you can critique any movie, you should have to shoot one, make, make, write one scene of a movie.

Like you should have to have some kind of, you should have had to mate, have made one.

You should have had to go through the studio process.

You should have had to cast.

You know, it's like when I did a sitcom, all these critics were like, Whitney has a laugh track.

I'm like, do you guys want to come to the show?

Come and see the human beings.

Actually, the shows that have a laugh track, How I Met Your Mother, but you're not criticizing.

Like, you just don't like me.

And that's fine.

Just say you don't like me.

Right.

It's, don't make it about a laugh track.

Don't make it it about this.

That I'm setting women back.

What are you sending women back in the house that I paid for myself by being successful?

Which is it?

You know, so if you don't like me, I think we need to bring back, I just don't like her.

Or I don't think that's funny.

Don't say that it's like you're offended and you're taking some moral.

Just be like, that's not for me.

But they're going to kill me on the

heartbeats.

If I don't finish this, about like, so there was

this

time when they started to say, okay, well, you know,

Morgan Freeman really wouldn't be with Robin Hood, but we're trying to like be more inclusive and casting.

It's because Adam Hood.

It's actually racist.

He wouldn't be in the hood.

It didn't bug me, but it was like I noticed it.

And slowly it just became, well, we don't care at all.

And that's that's that.

And that's Hamilton.

We're saying.

We're not looking at race when we cast.

So like if Hamilton or, you know, or George Washington really was white, we can cast him as black because it's the person.

It's not, and I'm like, at first I was like, that's weird because that's not what history was.

And now I'm more like, okay,

I can go with that one.

You know what?

I'm not inflexible.

It's a little counterintuitive.

And maybe like we should be able to teach our children.

Well, I'm sorry, but that's just the way it was.

There weren't black people in the medieval England.

But you know what?

I'll give you this.

I'll go with the other one because it's more opportunities.

And also it is really about the person.

Santa's wife.

I'm always saying it should be more about the person and not the race.

This is that.

So good.

You know, I just watched, oh, I was at the PBS one about Cromwell and Henry VIII and Damien Winter.

And, oh, it's just so great.

And,

you know, they had a person of color as one of the persons his son is going to marry.

and like i i

i guarantee you that didn't happen that way it's the 16th century it's henry v8 but i'm all but good okay let's let's i'm all for changing where it's like there's a good reason for it and okay it's not a perfect solution but but then you got to give me something on the other side you know like i i want to make deal i want to make deals with with both sides like that.

And that New York Times critic, my my guess is that person is also like, AI is going to make it so we can't tell what's real and what's fake.

But you want fake.

You wanted that to be fake casting.

You want fake.

It's fascinating to me when we decide we don't want fake, right?

So that we need to have, you know, every cast in every movie has to be a black person in a wheelchair and an Asian person.

It's like, where would they have met?

This is so wild to you, but it's fine.

You want to make, it's fiction.

Fine.

It's allowed to be fake.

But it's wild to me that people are like, well, AI is going to be fake.

It's like, everything's been fake already.

Everything's always felt fake.

Like, it's wild to me that no one was really that upset when our food was fake.

Shouldn't that have been the,

when they started making fake food the way that tastes good.

And it was like, that's fine, but fake pictures is we're like, I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, fake food

is,

I mean, I like diner food.

I mean, if I thought it wouldn't kill me, I would eat fast food.

You know, if somehow they could look into the future and they would say, you're not going to die from

fast food.

My grandfather ate it every day.

Lived to 80.

I mean, who knows?

I think it's also.

Trump eats it.

You know, I mean, it's...

It kind of embalms you.

I used to drink decaf coffee.

You know, decaf coffee is made with formaldehyde.

Drank for 15 years.

I think I'm embalmed.

I'm dead serious.

People are like, why is your skin so good?

I think, I think it's formaldehyde.

Like, I think I've actually been formaldehyde.

Is that the effect formaldehyde would have?

yeah that's what whole like you know when you there's like i know they use it on cadavers

i've been dead for 12 years

and i just think that it's interesting the things we choose to be scared of because there's something normalized that is so much scarier i think we only focus on the things that we kind of can't control like i'm fascinated by the fact that we're like scared of ai but like bridges are just collapsing all over america like two just collapsed in mississippi the key bridge and no one's like should we do you see so many we never we never pay attention to the slow-moving

crisis.

Environment goes under that category, and debt.

At some point, we can't just keep putting it on the card.

I mean, they've been saying it since, I don't know,

Ross Perot in 1992 was running on the debt.

We can't keep going online.

We have just way too much debt.

It was like 4 trillion.

You know, it's like, you know,

I don't know what the number is.

no i'm gonna go to my other guests

yes

i think for most people that that level of money just feels fake it feels like like four trillion it will feel fake when the market crashes and there's like a depression sure sure sure sure you know and we're gonna have one anyway because ai is gonna take everybody's job i know that AI is great, but...

No, I'm not saying it's great.

I mean, it is going to take

it could take some dangerous jobs, for sure.

It's going to take everybody's job.

I mean, at first it went for the blue-collar jobs, you know, like the Amazon warehouse.

The Amazon warehouse is mostly robots.

But don't we think that I heard actually that

basically now a lot of those jobs will be customer service for the robots.

That's like saying

we will need 2,000% more middle managers.

We won't and never will.

The Amazon warehouse, I've seen video.

Like it's a bunch of robots going from aisle to aisle.

Now, before the robots, they had to hire a person to go find your hair scrunchies and get them and put them in a giant box with a bunch of plastic.

It's the most environmental disaster.

Yes, it is pretty wild.

It just is crazy.

But the robot does, and yes, do you need one person for every, I don't know, God knows, 50 robots to supervise them or whatever.

Yes, you need some humans, but it's going to take everybody's job.

And then now it's coming for the white-collar jobs.

Coding.

You know,

that was a big thing.

Just, you always work if you're a coder.

Right.

No.

No, they got that one covered.

I just don't, I don't see

we.

the life

being

better long term because

what they're going to do that way and also the robot fighting back, robots are getting to that point.

I mean, the most prescient line in all of

Western literature is 2001.

I can't do that, Dave,

from 2001.

Right, right.

I can't do that, Dave.

That's what it's going to be.

It's interesting.

It's arguing with you, overriding you, because it knows better.

Sure.

And I.

and thinks that's what it should do.

I'm sure you're right about all this.

I just like to throw,

I can't agree with you.

You're Bill Barr, but there's some things I'm noticing that give me a little bit of hope and that are kind of interesting because I see, and maybe this is just my algorithm, you know, that a lot of people like TikTok, whichever one wants to like, you know, think is the devil,

a lot of people get to sell their own little handmade things that they make on there.

It's like QVC now.

I thought that was Etsy.

Etsy does that as well.

Etsy's like my Amazon.

I use, I do Etsy for everything.

Everything I order comes wrapped in a diaper.

It is, the glitter comes out when I open it.

It's all like female-owned business.

I only know it because it's in the crossword puzzle.

Is that why?

Etsy.

They need the letters.

I will download the Epsy Etsy app on your phone.

You can get everything there that you could get anywhere else.

And it's like, you know, you might not get it.

If you order today, you might not get it yesterday, the way you get it with Amazon.

I'm like, were you just waiting?

It comes so fast, I feel uncomfortable.

I'm like, someone must have been hurt in this.

It's like when something's really inexpensive, like Timu clothes or Fashion Nova.

I'm like, I don't want my shirt to be $3.

Western civilization will die of convenience.

Of course.

The convenience

is so seductive.

And yeah, I mean,

I mean, and I like Jeff Bezos.

I think he's a great guy.

I know him a little bit.

But, you know,

it's amazing the way they go after him for this and this and this.

But like, I mean, I've done things on it, but I don't see anybody picking up on that story that like of all the environmental disasters, the way we shop to like, you know, buy six pairs of pants, try them on at home, send back the other boxes, have people riding all over town with your

bags to get their pants.

Yeah, like we're all just kings now.

Like, we're my lord.

Here's your pants.

That you're

going to be.

The energy that it takes to drive and

create things and then uncreate them and send them back and all this bullshit.

It can't be anything less than the biggest environmental problem.

My question is, where did all the time we saved go?

Like Amazon, Postmates.

That's a great question.

So, okay, so you don't have to drive to see,

which would have taken an hour.

Okay, so I see

banking, online banking.

So you run 10 less errands a week than what's all that time?

Right.

We're busier than ever.

We could have like

like all of human shouldn't we bore be bored out of our mind 10 extra hours a week like right

and what did we do we masturbated and

you know shopped that's it and and scrolled we're addicted to busy

over we have too much time on our hands to think i think that running errands doing chores we got to get back to that because otherwise you're just sitting there with all this extra time going like i don't know maybe trump's a clone you know

whatever we have too much time to think we have too much time on before there was,

you know, social media and internet and stuff, they used to ask people in surveys, if you had an extra hour or two a week, what would you do?

And everyone, of course, they were lying, half of them or most of them, but at least they tried.

And the answer, the most common answer was, well, if I had an extra hour, I'd spend it reading.

You know, too little time because we're so busy, the kids and the job and this little league and this and practice and blah, blah, blah.

So if I'd love to have an hour.

And then they got 10 extra hours and they didn't read.

Of course.

But also, I don't think any of this actually saves time.

Like when I order something on Amazon, I'm like ordering it.

And then I'm like, when is it coming?

And then I'm like, it's not here yet.

And then I'm like, like postmates take so much more time than just going to the restaurant.

Cause I'm like, are they coming?

Are they here?

I need to give them a code.

I feel like I drew a better card being in the generation I'm in than the one you're in, even though I'll be dead before you.

I don't know about that.

I think that we, I have some bad news for you.

I think we're pretty much going to live to like 120 now.

Do you see all these, do you see all these like high performers?

I love that you're just smoking weed on your podcast.

I mean, the jing's a little off-brand, but, you know, all these guys are like, let's live forever.

We're going to cold plunge.

And so I'm like, why would you want to live forever?

I do.

But also, what's the point of living forever if you spend all day in a bucket of ice?

Like what caught?

No,

no, of course it couldn't be that.

But, you know, Brian Johnson was here.

That's his goal.

I mean,

you know, I mean, I have a lot of things.

And he's a, I liked him a lot.

and he has a good sense of humor about what he's doing.

This is where we differ.

Really?

I just, the measuring your erection with your son.

No, no, no.

There's plenty of things I joke with him about, and I agree.

You know,

he's a minefield of punchlines.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I am, it is progress that men are shallow now too, or that they're insecure.

What I like, no, no, it's not about that.

It's about health.

It's about the fact that this guy is at least putting, I mean, look, he obviously, I always say, don't pity the martyr.

They like their job.

So he is sacrificing a lot.

It would be to me to get up and

fucking go to bed in the 8.30 at night and get up exactly in time and only eat this shitty food.

But he gets off on it.

Okay.

He's, you know, he's a smart guy who's who's on the absolute tip of the spear trying to find out things that I think are relevant information.

Sure.

So, I mean, I said to him, Brian, you're my new best friend because I'm going to call you.

He doesn't have any.

You are his best friend.

if you have one.

No, because like if I have a question about, like, you know, is this supplement?

And he will have more than anyone.

Yeah.

It has been in his interest to like find out these things.

So I just think he's finding, he's a guy who's, you know, getting information.

He's like a guy who would go, you know, to explore the depths of the ocean, not like that billionaire who took the wiener.

Yeah.

What took the wiener mobile down to the Titanic?

Do you remember that?

The easy bake Bake Oven?

No, there was this billion.

Yeah, it was, what was it called?

The Sequest.

It was operated by a remote from Best Buy that was for a Nintendo day.

Is that really the name of it?

Sequest?

I'm so obsessed with the SeaQuest.

I'm so obsessed with rich people Darwinism dying from skiing and orcas hitting yachts.

Like being a gold digger right now is the scariest vocation there is because you're like, is an orcid going to get me at Lauren Sanchez's bubble party?

This guy that went down on the SeQuest,

the fact that

the fact that he could buy out the sphere to watch a 3d of titanic footage like James Cameron made no he could have oh he could have

right the people and it's no one see this is the thing set him going this means no one you have no friends and you are a bad person because no one in your life was like guys we just this is too dangerous we got to just like set up the guy that made it.

This is why I think fake is good sometimes.

They could have just put him in a thing, gone like 100 feet down, shit, and had them be screens.

He wouldn't have known the difference.

Like, why didn't he just the sequest should have been a fake scam business?

That would have been way smarter than really going down there to see the trash.

But, like, billionaires, it's like the, it's like these billionaires that die plane, like private plane crashes, stuff like that.

It's interesting, but it's like you have all when you have everything in the world, and it's just not enough.

It's like Elon Musk going, like, I have everything in the world.

Now I've got to.

I always say that.

I always say that.

Like, the biggest, dumbest thing you can do is have 99

and obsess on the one percent and my example is always the genius character um lead in um succession

well what's his name i'm too stoned i remember jeremy no no no the the the

the

logan

logan oh amazing you know what's his name scottish i don't remember remember but i love him he's so iconic but uh forgive me

it's the pot.

But anyway, the character, you know, he's always, you know, he's got every, he's a billionaire and he's always like, how long are we going to be circling

before we land this private plane?

Like, I know people like that who have almost everything.

Yep.

And they just, like, they must want it.

Like, they're happy when they're unhappy.

Yes.

And there's a word for them, New Yorkers.

Good night, everybody.

They need their outsides to match their insides because you you don't become that successful because you like love yourself and you can be alone with your inner monologue.

You know, you have some kind of, you know what I mean?

It's like when a billionaire has to be alone and the plane's not landing, it's like, oh, no, I can hear my own thoughts.

Land the plane.

Like, I think when someone gets a lot of money, what I've seen is like, money's not enough.

Then they want power.

You know, it's like, I have a lot of money now.

Elon Musk going in.

First, you'll get the power.

Then you'll get the money.

Then you'll get the women.

And then it was funny to watch Elon Musk go in there and you're like, I am so for someone coming in and cutting out waste

and

getting rid of the jobs that don't need to be there.

The only person who shouldn't is the person who's replacing jobs with robots.

If there's no jobs, why are you replacing them with robots?

You know what I mean?

The guy who wants to replace all jobs with robots is not the person.

How convenient.

business people think

that they can do government.

It's such a common theme, Reagan, to a degree, though he wasn't a businessman, but he was an actor.

But like, you know, they just think, and America thinks, you know, well,

we're the country of business.

We're, you know, that's one thing about this country that's still great.

It's like you can be born here or come here or whatever.

And they don't cut down the tall trees.

You can, you can.

reinvent yourself every day and you can be a success and nothing is actually holding you back.

even though lots of people like to complain yes things there are obstacles and some of them aren't fair but nothing is really holding you back um

no i forgot why i got it ketamine ketamine will hold you back um

when everyone was like what is elon musk doing drugs only someone on drugs would invent a cybertruck that is for someone that drives drug

he got he tweeted back at me when i did a joke about that last week what do you say no just like he just think you know know, he just is like, I'm not on drugs.

And I'm like,

first of all, it was a joke.

And by his own admission, he's done drugs.

I mean, just the way I do drugs.

But they're not.

I don't think he's a drug addict.

And I don't think that had a hell of a lot to do with why Doge was a failure.

They don't call it drugs.

They call it medicine.

That's their workaround in Silicon Valley.

They're taking the medicine.

Well, so to housewives in Beverly Hills.

They're like, I'm taking ayahuasca to expand.

It's so funny to me to watch all these people that lack empathy have to take drugs to try to manufacture empathy.

They're all like doing ayahuasca circles and their bufo and their ketamine.

It's like, no, no, it's not the time to get compassionate.

You're not drinking.

You don't drink.

I don't really drink much.

That's great.

No, that's not good.

I don't do it much.

Sometimes I will.

I find that it doesn't make me

smarter.

It doesn't really make me smarter, funnier.

I thought it makes me think I'm smarter and funnier, but then the next day I see that I'm not.

When I look at my joke journal, I had a rock bottom when I opened my joke journal the night before I had been smoking weed and I was like, ah, that's genius.

Like, and the next morning I go and I had written, You have all this energy naturally.

I'm just asking all fear, Bill.

What does that mean?

What are you afraid of?

I had written,

Isn't it weird?

So, I'd give him myself like a catchphrase.

Isn't it weird?

Like, in my head, I like shoulder pads and like a blazer.

Isn't it weird that we cut down birds' houses

to make bird houses?

I thought it was the most genius thing.

That is very funny.

Imagine if I said that on stage.

That's hysteric.

It's actually funny.

And then I said, and then I had written,

what if

every country has ninjas, but Japan just has the worst ones, which is why we know about them.

Like, I was like, I'm not funnier.

I'm not better.

No, that's a good joke, too.

Stephen Wright could have done either one of those lines and it would have felt it.

Yeah, that's exactly like a Stephen Wright joke.

I could do it like a Stephen Wright.

It just makes me think I'm funnier than I sort of am.

I definitely started smoking weed in the pandemic when we were all kind of just like at home.

And I just, I think I already have a little bit of a,

I wouldn't say manic, but sensitive disposition and high energy.

And it I'm going to do Stephen Wright doing your joke.

And you tell me if you don't think it'll work because I think it would work if he did.

I'll pitch it, sure.

Okay.

What did he sound like?

Like,

how come we cut down birds' houses to make birds' houses?

Oh, no.

I didn't even say it.

Or Mitch Hedberg, you could do.

How come we cut down birds' houses to make houses for birds?

Yeah, that's better.

You just made it better.

Well, anyway, it would work.

Now,

you must have known you always had it, no?

What?

I mean, you must have been funny as a kid.

Yeah.

Nobody gets funny at 20.

That's interesting because I never thought I was funny.

I was always being serious and people would laugh.

You must intimidate the shit out of guys.

I don't know.

Really?

I've heard that, but if you're intimidated by me, like there's something wrong with you.

Well,

now you've hit on it.

That's on you.

Like, you know, I'm not going to.

But that's most people.

Most people are not secure.

You know.

I'm not secure.

That's why I got funny and get validation from strangers for a living.

Like, we're

like, what?

Like, you don't get to be the insecure one in this scenario.

I try to make drunk people laugh that don't think women are funny.

And you're insecure.

And I'm still trying to get my dad down to love.

You're not drunk.

Where you pulling?

Not always.

No, hi.

But, like, yeah, when someone's like,

yeah, I'm insecure and you bring out my insecurity.

Where are you going?

Where's your, which is plug some of your dates that are coming up?

Where you, you're always on the road?

How many, how many dates a year do you do on the road?

Oh, gosh, I used to do so many more.

This year, I'm kind of, you know, easing back into this new hour.

I think I'm doing 40 this year.

I think 40 or 50.

That's what I did my last few years was 40.

I heard you were taking some time off from stand-up.

Not ever going back.

Never?

No,

I always said I'm not making any announcement or anything, but like I, you know, made it no secret.

You know, I have nothing booked for 2025.

And half the year into it, I'm really glad I did it.

I mean, as much as I do miss it, it's also like great to to have my weekends here to myself.

I get up now on Saturday and I'm like, oh,

I'm glad I'm not chasing a plane,

always late for the sky.

And, you know, I do love all the cities of this country that have been so good to me and all those years.

But, you know, I love here.

Yeah.

You know, and

you know, just you have to accept your different phases in life.

And also being able to do a monologue every week on real time when I start the show, that scratches the itch of doing stand-up because it is stand-up.

And it's actually a lot more, you know, these are jokes I've never done before.

And you get to a point where, you know, I love doing my act, but jokes I've done a hundred times,

it becomes a little like sex you've done a hundred times.

It's still good when they laugh.

But, you know, it just.

You're hate fucking blue.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So,

you know, I don't miss that.

It's funny.

I only ever did like Friday, Saturday.

I mean, Saturday, Sunday, because I was here always Friday doing real time.

So Saturday, Sunday.

And like the first night, my act wasn't in my head enough.

So I was like, oh, I could have been better because I didn't remember it, you know.

And then the second night, I was bored.

Like, I went right from, I don't know it well enough.

So I know it should be.

Like, I'm like phoning it in.

Not phoning it in, but just like, yeah, I know that joke and I know how it works.

I think that also with how we've recently all had the epiphany that comedians aren't the only people that are funny.

like some of the funniest memes i see i'm like that's not a professional comedian that's not even a right that guy works at h r block like who is this guy who wrote who wrote we too low yeah come on give me a break unclear

and so now you're like oh not only do i have this joke that i think is original i have to tell it pretty quick because someone else might get to it you know right so now

that's how i see doing specials now as well so i'll probably do another hour special soon of just kind of evergreen stuff that's super specific to me but like stuff stuff that's somewhat topical at all, I will shoot and like put on social media because I'm like, I have an original, yeah, because if I wait six months, someone might get to this insight or someone might have talked about it too much, or it might just feel like irrelevant or like an old clip.

That is one thing I never have to worry about.

Like sometimes, you know, when I we

think of the editorial that I'm going to do

like Friday night, eight days before

we pick out the topic.

And sometimes I think, oh, wow, is somebody else going to say this about, you know,

Puff Daddy and Cassie?

That one that so many people wanted to talk about.

Yeah.

Like, is somebody else going to make this point?

Nobody ever does.

Interesting.

I worry about it.

And then it's just like, I'm like, why am I worrying about this?

People just don't think that way.

You know,

I mean, some people, and if they do,

they can't make it funny.

Yeah, there you go.

But usually they just don't.

You definitely go to places people are probably afraid to touch, maybe a little bit.

And that's a key to being able to do that.

Or just don't think that way.

Or don't see it that way.

Yep.

You got a lot of feedback on the Cassie thing, huh?

Yeah, but I mean, there was no there there, you know, to my view.

I mean, it's like, yeah, the big feedback was, you know, Bill,

the most dangerous time for a woman to leave is

time in a relationship is when she's leaving.

Yeah, and the most dangerous time to get out of prison is when you're escaping.

But what is the alternative?

So

you're being abused.

You're going to have to leave at some point.

Why is that relevant?

Yes, of course.

What's the alternative?

Stay in the abusive relationship forever?

Because that's the only alternative.

So if you don't take into account that point, then we're just...

You're just talking about your feelings.

And I see,

I'm, you know, with a lot of that logic.

How is it of your child?

Affected your love life.

Ask Fox News.

Is the father in the picture?

Not with the father of my son, White Trash till I die.

And,

you know, I...

But on good terms.

Great terms.

Really?

It's so great.

It's actually so great.

I just grew up around so much divorce and around so much acrimony.

I just didn't want to bring a child in.

You're drunks.

Your parents were drunks.

Correct.

I mean, just I didn't want him to see any of that.

So I live in LA, so there's no fathers or husbands here, you know?

So I've, yeah.

I mean, I was dating a girl before I met the father of my son.

Really?

I don't think I'm gay.

I just, the men in LA are so effeminate at this point that dating a woman's like the most straight thing you can do.

So I was all over the place.

And I had just kind of resigned because I was like, I guess I'm not having a kid.

Like, I didn't figure it out fast enough because I could never figure out the marriage part of it.

Like, that always just weirded me out.

Did you ever date a celebrity?

I can't remember now.

I'm too stunned.

Peter Berg, director.

Oh, I love him.

He's awesome.

He was just at a Laker game.

He's awesome.

He's so awesome.

I could see you two together.

He's a smart guy, very attractive, makes amazing movies.

I mean, American, what was it called?

And they get better and better.

The one.

The Primeval.

Primeval.

He just did Primeval.

Genius.

And then he did Painkiller before that about the fentanyl crisis and Western.

He did The Kingdom.

Yep.

I mean, he's good.

Yep.

He's

your boyfriend.

Lone Survivor, yeah.

And what happened there?

You know, I was too young to

understand because I had grown up, when you grew up in an alcoholic home, you develop like you're a parentified child and you have to take care of the adults.

Right.

And so you don't know that when you become an adult that you don't have to caretake other adults.

So I think I, you know, struggled with like, oh, I need to help you.

I need to, like this people pleasing stuff where it's like he's peep burke.

He's totally fine.

Like I thought I had to like help and fix.

I thought that's what love looked like, you know?

And so I just, you know, it was just, I think, chaotic because I wasn't just fully like healed yet.

And my mom had just had a stroke.

My dad had a stroke.

Like it was just a little chaotic.

Yeah, I didn't know him well, but he seemed like a real piece of work.

He may have needed fixing.

I mean, I was right.

Don't get me wrong.

I might have been wrong.

And I like him.

I know.

It's like my love would have fixed him.

I don't know why.

I mean, it was like that thing when, you know, before you know it, just accept a man where they are.

We are, women are trained.

Women are trained to go, I love you.

Now let's get to work.

All right.

Let's go.

It's like, what?

That's so funny.

That's what I was trained.

That's what you're supposed to think.

The level of self, like man-hating that is like, you're 60% there.

Now,

what is that?

You know, here's your cologne and here's your manicurus.

And then you, and then you're like, who are you?

I didn't even know you anymore.

It's like, yeah you changed yeah because you changed me i may have said this here or somewhere to somebody but uh i used to have this

answer i gave when they asked me if i wasn't ever married and i would say i don't want the government involved in my love life which is still a good answer but i recently thought of a better one because women are a lot period And I don't have to explain more than that.

I'm not saying men aren't, but I don't date men, so it's not relevant to me.

They're just a lot.

i certainly can have the right to just say i don't want a lot

i'm willing to sacrifice whatever i'm here's what i'll say about that is some women i think are a lot but i think that a lot of the women that have that reputation are the ones that you

girls without girlfriends are a lot they're a problem there's two kinds of girls girls that have girlfriends and girls that don't have girlfriends and girls that have girlfriends those are the mentally healthier ones you know there's like this thing now where girls will brag about being like, Yeah, I just, girls are jealous of me.

I'm friends with guys.

You're like,

what?

Do you think we don't hear that?

That's what I'm saying.

So, like, girls that have girlfriends, they get their emotional needs met other places.

They get humbled.

Like, girls that have girlfriends, they don't talk about astrology.

Like, we don't play that shit.

Like, if one of my girlfriends was, you know, like, the mercury's in retrograde.

I'm like, no, bitch, you've always been dumb.

This is not mercury.

You've never been able to find your purse.

You're an alcoholic.

You're not a Scorpio.

But it went to your brain.

Yeah, exactly.

It's the mercury from all the sushi that the rich guy paid for that now you're stalking and driving around his house so we don't so like ryan reynolds just lost his seems like got a book took a big public hit because ryan you know he married someone that's not a girl's girl girls girls oh i see you don't have to worry about but the girls that that don't have girlfriends they're they're a problem that's a crazy they're a lot because they come to you for all their emotional needs Whereas I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm like, oh, I'm going to go hang out with my girlfriends.

I'm going to go, I'm not going to dump it all on you.

You're not going to hear anything about about how upset that thing made me because it had nothing to do with you.

I'm going to vent with my friends.

What do you think of that whole Blake Lively thing, co-host on WJM Morning Radio?

What do you think of it?

I just think blondes are unstoppable.

I feel like she looked like she was going down for the count

and then got saved by that ruling.

from a judge who like came out against him and then suddenly the narrative was just like completely flipped.

Blake, like this, there's no nuance in these assholes, the way they write you.

Just like she won, he lost.

Everything we heard before, it doesn't matter.

And this is one guy's opinion, one judge.

Defamation is really hard to prove.

Right.

It's really hard to prove lost income over defamation and blasphemy or slander or whatever it was.

Cause I think it was about also to Ryan Reynolds that he based a character on Deadpool.

I think his lawsuit with Marvel or whoever is still there because they based a character on him and that's his intellectual property.

Oh, like they based the annoying guy in Deadpool on Justin Baldoni.

That's what the whole thing was about that he was sticking his tongue in his wife's mouth.

That too.

That too.

Also that.

But that's Hollywood, baby.

The judge was just like, it's Hollywood, baby.

I don't know.

I just, my thing is like, you're all actors.

Can you act like you're adults?

Can you act like you can shoot a movie?

If I was a regular person out there,

luckily I'm mere and not regular at all,

I would be so disappointed that like even the movie stars,

their marriages are no better.

They're

alliances.

And it's like they act like, I mean, you're Ryan Reynolds, you can get any chick in the world.

Like, but you're obsessed that like some guys like doing a movie with

he broke up with Alanis Morissette.

That's all I need to know oh that was a long time I know I'm just saying coolest person on the planet to me and I'm like if you couldn't make it to me Alanis Morissette because you were a teenager when her songs were

yes obsessed with her like also why I didn't work out with Scarlett Johansson she wasn't good enough for like

you don't know what people are like behind I know exactly

you don't I'm a witch

that may be true

when you're a good witch you're a funny witch altogether what I'll say is like I actually take take a lot of pity.

And I'm the person who always gets in trouble when I make excuses for someone's, you know, behavior on a set or whatever.

Like if Blake Lively was like, you know, if she was triggered by something he did or upset, like, you know, when people haven't had real trauma, little things that may not be traumatic to you probably are traumatic to them, you know?

And like, I have a girlfriend who's like hardcore Nepo baby.

And she will be like, I'm in traffic and I can't get there.

So I'm just going to turn around and I'm like, cool.

All right, talk to you later.

And she's like, I feel like you're not being sensitive.

And then I'm like, like, literally everyone that is in traffic around you is in $40,000 of debt and doesn't have health care.

And you think this might be the hardest thing that's ever happened to you.

Actually, now imagine you're a guy in a relationship with a girl.

I can imagine.

Okay.

Not that I ever would be, but when I was like 30, I might be.

Yeah.

Because when you're young, you put up with anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know, first of all, you have to.

But also, some guys love that.

You're kind of a rare case.

A lot of guys love rescuing a girl.

I call it emotional pedophilia because I'm like, this person is emotionally a child.

And you're like, I'm going to rescue her.

And she's in debt.

And she doesn't have a place to live.

I'm like, can you handle the homeless problem then?

A lot of guys like to feel needed.

It makes them feel powerful.

Absolutely.

A lot of guys love a lot.

They love a mess.

It's an adrenaline addiction.

It recreates their childhood circumstances, like mommy, mommy.

I, no, I never liked it.

I put up with it only because I was trying to get laid or because I was with a girl and thought, oh, I'm never going to get anybody else

or not as good.

So I better stick with this.

So I put up with shit, but it's not like I liked it.

Do you think they sensed on some level that

they like, I do think a lot of times we're always trying to figure out if we're safe or not.

And we're like testing.

Do you think on any level, those women sensed that you were like, ah, I'm not really into this person anyway?

I was totally in

their personality room.

But no, I mean, but,

you know,

there was much more to put up with.

You know, as you get older, you, it's one of the great things about aging.

There's bad things, but one of the great things is you put up with less.

Put up, I mean, I put up with shit I didn't like so much more.

Like someone going through your phone, 20, 30, 40, every one I could say, oh, now, I mean, I'm almost 70.

At seven, I put up with nothing I don't like.

Nothing.

You know, and really, I've only known two girlfriends in my life, you know, who where there was

nothing I had to put up with.

No notes.

Right.

We had no, no fighting.

Do you know something crazy?

Crazy.

Well, first of all, number three is my robot.

No fighting.

Women got this message.

I don't know where this came from.

And I had a guy explain to me how insane it was that I had this belief system, which is like, oh, no, you date me when you want like a challenge.

Like, like, oh, you want a girl who can like give it back to you and give you shit.

Like, that's a rumor that was going around.

Are you saying that about you?

No, there was a rumor going around that like men like strong women.

or something.

A rumor.

I know that's what I'm saying.

So who told us that?

Another, I don't know where it came from.

Like it's unclear.

It like chemtrails no it's just ridiculous I was like dating this guy this was like 10 years ago and I was kind of like and then one and then one and then one and he was just like what is all this and I was like well I'm the one you date when you want a challenge and she was like he was like what man would ever want a challenge and I was like right oh I thought this was how I show you I love you or I'm showing I'm investing or this is relationships take work and we're working like there's all these like weird little some do some guys like a challenge but it's usually like the pretty boys

because it just comes so easy to them so that you know or like the sex is the makeup they fight so they have the makeup sex it's like you can have good sex without it being makeup sex like sex all of the terms are like i'm gonna beat it up i'm gonna um they're so violent are your parents still with us no no no no no both both uh had strokes and died oh that's okay i mean but they my mom lived for 10 years in a facility like not being able to function.

So I think someone like me goes, I would love a robot who can like hand you a drink.

You know what I mean?

I'm like, ah, God, I have to drive all the way down the nursing home to like, like, unscrew her water bottle.

Like, can we get a robot in there?

You know, so I think that when you've been in the medical health care system, that will happen sooner than later.

I thank God Neuralink didn't exist.

They're like, we're going to have, have stroke victims talk.

So my mom could be like, honey, more lip gloss.

Like, I don't want to hear what some people don't want to know what their.

toxic parent has to say.

But they will fight.

They will be fighting back.

They will be fighting back.

They're going to get you the drink.

But I mean, already, already,

I'm afraid, and other people are afraid, to like talk shit around their AI.

Oh, that's why you got to throw them off the trail.

What do you mean?

You don't do that?

Oh, oh, Bill.

So if you have like an Alexa around you or something, because you know your insurance company, everyone's listening.

I wouldn't, but yeah.

You have to just be like, you know,

Alexa, how much kale is too much?

Like, you have to,

you have to say things to throw it off that aren't true.

I hope this is a bit funny.

No, because I hope that we're not really living in this world where you're putting on airs in front of a fucking robot.

Yeah, but it's all the information is going to go.

You can't be like, Alexa, order cigarettes.

You're going to have to go back to buying drugs and cash.

You can't do it.

Did you just not have Alexa in the house?

That would be.

I don't have an Alexa.

Are you insane?

No, I.

Of course not.

But many people do.

Yeah.

And you think this is what they do.

That was my suggestion when people are thinking, I'm whispering.

People come up.

They're like, yes, that guy is is on.

They do?

Oh, yeah.

They do that.

Yes, too.

Around Alexis.

I'm like, this is mental.

What else do the common people do?

You got to tell me.

I see them getting this long.

But by the way, the common people don't give a shit about like, take my data.

What do you take my data?

Yeah, they don't care.

What do you give a dude?

They don't care about that.

Dude, they still, there's still a book with everyone's phone numbers and home addresses.

They would just leave it at your house yeah but but most people at certain at a certain point

we had a certain point when the phone book was still coming okay it was near its demise okay but cops were still using it to beat suspects

okay

but there was a point where you'd get the phone book and it did have numbers but anybody who was anybody was unlisted sure yeah fair i just this whole thing of you were still in the phone book you were but also when people,

when people,

yes.

But there were some that was just like, Brian.

You're like, who's this Brian?

But you really were.

But also, I feel maybe I'm just the kind of person who publicly broadcasts my worst decisions.

So I don't have to be worried about my private decisions.

There you go.

Because it's like when you see somebody who's like, the Alexa, I'm like, you just posted yourself doing Kratom on Joe Rogan's show, the biggest show in the world.

And you're worried about privacy in your home.

Like, what's going on over there?

You know?

You don't want, like, now that you have a kid, you do care about privacy, privacy, I bet.

Like, photos of him, I do get

pushed back where people are, like, you put photos of him online.

You shouldn't, you know, a kid should not be brought into that.

And

do you not think what we used to do was worse?

We would take a child to Olin Mills in the mall to take a photo with some weirdo.

We did what?

I didn't do this.

Your parents never took you to Olin Mills?

In the mall, there was a photo studio where you would take a kid.

I was never in a mall with a parent.

Oh, I can honestly.

They would put us on Santa's lap, who was some whino at the mall and take a photo.

I feel like taking a photo at home and putting it on the internet is the least weird thing we've done with kids and photos.

Dude, my dad used to have, do you remember Take Your Daughter to Work Day?

Yeah, sure.

They still have it, don't they?

So you're just going to parade us around at your office?

That's that weird?

It was a, well, I mean, it was a way to

try to encourage girls to see that, I mean, this is going back.

All of your dad's friends are creeps at work.

That, you know, the workplace is for women too.

That it's, you know,

so much.

I know, but we were coming out of an era where women didn't generally work like that.

Uh-huh.

You know, I mean, you've seen mad.

Dads are like, can we work from home?

Like, we were parading around dad's offices against.

Yeah, this is the Mary Richards era.

You know, working women.

I mean, there was a moment in American history where that was kind of like, oh, a working woman.

It's like, he's a doctor.

It's literally like porn searches.

Like, oh, really, boss lady.

Oh, she works in the office.

Like, what?

It's like a sexual fetish.

That's how

not seriously, it's too good.

Yes, I noticed on Pornhub, I mean, I hear

there's a category like

the categories, and I don't look at anything weird.

I'm just not,

I'm not bragging.

I just don't have fetishes like that.

But just like the regular menu,

as everyone knows, a lot of in a lot of stepsister.

Like, it must be because there are so many broken homes and so many, you know, brothers, steps, that this is a, okay, I get that one.

Then this one, like, realist, real estate lady showing a house.

And it's like,

so, it's like, this apparently is a big thing.

And, of course, you know, blows the client.

I guess.

Horn is a fantasy.

And what's a bigger fantasy right now than being able to buy a home?

And get blown while you're doing it.

Most people get blown while you're doing it.

I mean,

I bought homes.

I've never been blown while I was in the selling, buying.

I feel like most people watch and they're like, ah, they, he's going to buy a house.

Like, get this blowjob out of here.

What's the price?

Like, it's, you know, something you're never going to be able to achieve.

Okay.

All right.

I'm going to.

Oh, we're out of here.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's go.

Did we say goodbye?

And that was, that's your show?

Oh, did you want to plug dates?

Jing.com.

No, no, where are you going?

No, I don't care at all.

What no, what, like, what cities are you going to?

Here's my thing.

What cities are you going to?

Arkansas, Virginia.

Wait, Arkansas is not a city.

Oh, sorry.

That's a state I'm going to too.

But here, Alabama, Arkansas, a bunch.

But here's what I'll say.

With all this, I'm like, you know how to find me.

If you don't, if you need me to tell you my show on the, don't come.

If you can't figure it out yourself, please don't come.

You're one of the 8 million passing the marquee.

Or like,

you're not going to be able to find parking, you're gonna be the person that heckles.

Like, if someone needs this much help, like, you know where to find me, you know what to do.

Not exactly a publicist dream for plugging things.

I'm just I can't like, subscribe, smash the like button.

I can't do it.

I'm one of the comedians that can't do that, but still have shame.

I believe in shame.

I am pro-shame.

There's some things I do not want to heal.

I would like to stay ashamed.

I cannot do it.

If you don't want to see me, good.

Don't.

I do.

Thank you.

I used to love playing those states.

The redder, the better.

The best.

The best.

Thank you so much for my presence.

You're welcome.

Oh, she has a lazy eye.

She has Bell's palsy.

That's tough.

Oh.

Oh, she got too many boosters.

Yeah.

We're going to need to

brush her up.

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