Seth Green | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Neutrophall, because going bold gracefully is kind of overrated.

But that's a fair point.

Thank you, darling.

Our anniversary is going to be so fun.

Do you like cake?

There are options.

I was the first one to say that.

That was my job.

I'm not here to debate that, but he...

You got Seth Green?

Over here.

I'm going to do a fucking show.

What's up?

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you doing?

You look the same as Emperor.

Really, you do.

You have the same exact look.

Yeah.

I mean, I haven't seen you in person in forever.

It's been a minute.

I feel like the last time I saw you was like,

if it wasn't McFarlane's birthday party,

probably.

Maybe at like, do you remember that?

Maybe the chateau?

It feels like the last time I really saw you in the chat.

I mean, maybe after that at the Emmys something, something Emmys.

I mean, Seth and I, who I adore so much, and some of his paraphernalia is around here somewhere.

Yeah.

But one birthday party, we did have a big fight about it because it was COVID, you know, and he was like...

He was a COVID paranoid.

I'm sorry, I love him, but I think that's my view.

He would say, I'm whatever.

I'm not an anti-vaxxer at all.

But,

you know, we've had that.

We once had a screaming match in the middle of the tower bar over dinner about this.

But that's what friends do.

Real friends talk

and sometimes yell and then you come back to loving.

Yeah,

I've always valued civil discourse.

I brought some weed.

I know you like weeds.

Do you have your own weed?

I grow it here.

You do?

Yeah.

Right.

I mean, probably 10 feet away, there's a pot plant growing.

You're kidding.

What kind of is it like?

What do you have?

Indicas, what do you like?

Well, you know, I have an old friend who went to prison for pot, Todd McCormick.

He's a famous pot revolutionary.

Yeah.

Done a lot as much as anyone for the cause.

He now he's into seeds.

You know, he has got a huge seed business.

No, I brought my own.

I don't trust you.

You don't trust you.

I love you, but I don't trust you

because I only want to grow the stuff that I know is super clean, grown here.

Sure.

And

his thing is seeds now.

I'm happy to try yours if you're going to be.

Please do.

Absolutely.

It's $10.

Okay.

I got you take crypto.

Here, we don't have to share like it's the 60s.

We don't just do too far away.

Isn't that the best part?

Like, I remember super illegal weed.

And I remember, like, don't you remember when, like, I feel like it was the early 90s, Woody Harrelson got arrested for like planting.

Don't you remember this?

Not weed, hemp.

Yeah, just hemp.

Don't you remember?

But I mean, the reason why that's a whole

different kettle of fish is that he was making the point that hemp, which is also illegal, not weed, and if you don't believe me, try to get high on it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just, it's a cousin of weed, but you know, it was used to the parchment that the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution or some old document is signed on it.

Yeah.

And you can use it to make a sailboat.

You can use it to make a parish.

You know.

You can't use it to get high without a lot of chemical processing.

Yeah.

Well, it has to be mixed with the THC variety.

I mean, that's what a lot of CBD oils and stuff.

Do you use that stuff?

Do you rub that on your dick?

Yeah.

Oh, as hard and as vigorously as possible.

I don't think it's the CBD.

Me too.

I don't know if it's the CBD that's making me feel good when I do that.

Might just be the friction.

That's what I'm thinking.

I don't know.

But I don't know.

What kind of friction you into?

Not the kind with the Hollywood community, but there's certainly.

Wait, I'll tell you what, Bill.

Like, I just, that's why I don't go to anybody's house.

I just, I stay at home.

I don't tell

the press line.

I mean, not like that, but I kind of just never,

really early on,

I just

recognized before everybody was sort of toxified by social media in general or empowered to speak their.

most immediate reaction without any speak your truth

but but even more than just like react just react Like, I knew you just don't fuck with faith, right?

Like, you don't get at somebody about their theological core stuff, the stuff that they share with only themselves, truly.

Like, there's really no fucking with that.

If somebody believes something, like, that's theirs to believe.

But I also believe.

In differences of opinion.

I also believe in people being able to have a conversation and marvel at each other's differences.

Of course not.

Of course not.

It's gotten so much worse and so much shittier.

And I really struggle with that.

I think the most I struggle with that, like having to adjust my worldview to see this volume of active

division and hate mongering.

But of course, the difference with us is I have to, this is what I do for a living, is talk about issues.

That's why you got to get into it.

And you,

smart, shouldn't and don't.

Yeah, but here I am on your show.

This is funny.

But I realized this is going to be the show.

This is the first conversation.

Specifically for not necessarily doing that.

Oh, good.

But you and I have known each other long enough, and we both come from comedy enough to talk about that.

Like, I love stand-up.

I love

comedy.

It's probably one of my favorite.

I mean, obviously, we didn't do a very good job of communication because the number one thing we've tried to communicate, obviously failingly, is that I started this because I have a show about politics.

Right.

And there's a million other things to talk about.

Now, this show is...

I'm not saying I didn't do enough homework.

Which is not you.

They probably sent me a lot of emails and texts, and I have a really bad time reading any of that.

I get a lot of emails every day.

Okay, all right.

We'll blame it on that.

But whatever it is, now, sometimes it veers into that depending on the guests.

Sure, because I have no agenda.

I have pot and liquor.

No, that's not that.

And that's it.

And I...

all my life wanted to do a show.

Who rolls these in tobacco leaves for you?

Because that's a move.

No, no, this is not tobacco.

I promise.

There's no tobacco.

What is it?

What's this about with you?

You know, it's just

it's the

healthy kind.

Yeah, you got filters and everything.

This is smooth.

Yeah.

I'm telling you.

I'm trying to, I'm 70.

I'm trying to like live.

You're 70?

Yeah.

What are you?

I'm 51.

I would have put you at maybe 64, maybe 65.

Okay.

Well, I shaved off five years.

What a throw.

Don't you feel like it's so different now?

Like I even look at pictures of Ted Knight.

Ted Knight?

Yeah, Ted Knight.

And he was like 41 and he looked like he was 80.

Conrad Bain was like,

I don't even think he was 40 when he was making different strokes.

Like he was playing the young, rich guy on that show.

Why do young girls now want to like do shit that makes them look older?

What do you mean?

I mean like a lot of times they're like, well,

for example,

beauty, you know, Miss Universe types, you know, beauty contestants.

They're 19 and they look 40 like how do you just because they've done like surgery

I'm asking I mean yes and then you don't have to be a beauty contestant they do things to themselves I think that make them look older yeah yeah as a kid performer I can tell you that's always been the push is to make anything younger look older I don't know why.

I don't know what sense that makes.

I'm talking about a normal 19-year-old girl.

Why is she,

you know, doing plastic surgery at the very age when you don't need it?

Nature is...

I think that's the social media.

Totally.

Of course.

I think the social media is...

Absolutely.

You know, there was a couple...

I have to scientifically recognize that we're still in the early beta of any of these social constructs.

Like even the idea, we're just entering into generations that are born without it ever having.

not been there.

Like it's always been this way.

But I think there should be I see all these legal gatekeeps across internet porn.

I think the socials should have the same kind of

checks, right?

They're trying to dox people over internet porn.

You know what I'm saying?

What gatekeeps are on porn?

A lot of these

states and countries have passed laws that you can't watch anything.

Like you can't.

Seems like there's everything on there.

Right, right, right.

But

a lot of these sites, like your major traffic, it's now requiring you some kind of like personal doxing.

Like, this is who I am as a human.

This is my age and my driver's license.

And I just think that that's not cool at all, like asking people to sign up.

But isn't that just to make sure they're not underage?

It is.

But also, now you've got a database of that.

You know what I mean?

Now you've got a database of people that are watching porn.

Also, I think it defools Aaron to think that you can outsmart a 13-year-old.

Although you're talking to the original Napster.

Right.

Yeah.

No, right.

But aren't I right about that?

Yeah, of course.

Like the people will always figure out how to get it for free.

I don't think that's it.

It's more like the idea of the law coming into place where someone can get arrested for getting porn illegally or porn

before they're willing to give up their civil liberty of their name and their driver's license number.

It is amazing that at 51, you still kind of have retained your cred as, you know, a tribune of the youth.

You think so?

Yeah.

I mean, that's who you are.

Again, you don't look your age.

You know, it's like, you know, part of it is because you're short.

You know, I think so, too.

Nobody's like, they're like this kid.

Well, you know, it's like you look like I'm watching Wednesday, you know, which is such a fun show.

And it helps that she's so little.

Yeah.

You know, because she obviously is not a kid, but she, you know,

that size

against all the adults in the cast.

Yeah.

And the cast like big people too.

Right.

I think that's part of it.

But, you know, you just have a youthful way and, you know, I don't know.

Thanks.

It's very hard to do

to stay, to start as a child.

I mean, you started as a child.

I didn't get famous when I was a kid.

And I think that's really.

But you were in it.

I was in it.

But I was in it as sort of like a character actor in the weirdest way.

And since I was just sort of on the edges of all this shit, I worked all the time, but I never got any of these big, showy roles.

I was just sort of the other guy in the movie.

And that, I think, helped give me some credibility, helped me build my own skill set, helped me really build up discipline and also humility.

And then I got to watch person after person after person fuck it up again and again and again through all the different means to the point where I was like, wow, never going to do that.

Maybe if, maybe if you had become famous at that age, right now you'd be humping parked cars like some, like some of these fucking rights.

Hey, look, you know, don't kink shame, Bill.

I mean, you of all people.

No, but I'm just saying, I'm just saying, what do you mean, of all people?

Come on, man.

You try to keep everybody out of your bedroom, same as any American person.

Like, stay the fuck out of my bedroom.

We'll do whatever I want.

Yeah, but I don't, but you know what I mean.

If you want to hump park cars, Bill, like, I'm not trying to tell you that's not okay.

Just make sure it's your car and that the car is consensual.

I'm just saying there's a lot of nutty things that have happened with child actors.

I mean,

the percentage, it seems, I don't know, you know, I don't know people of other

pursuits in life as much as I know and we read about, of course, people in show business, but it seems like a greater percentage of them do crack up and become, I mean, kooky, you know, like homeless, crazy kind of kooky.

It's very hard.

And there's a thing that a lot of people don't understand is that even if you, you stay famous, even if you don't have any money.

And that's what happened to Gary Coleman, was like Gary couldn't get work

and he just couldn't get work.

So there's no way for Gary to make money.

There weren't the same kind of mechanisms in place now for people to do trade shows or fan expos to like make money being Gary Coleman.

And so he had to suffer indignity after indignity.

He lost all his money in one way or another.

His parents totally fucked him over so much so that there were like laws written on his behalf.

And it sucks that that kid had to go through all that just to show these other kids how to not do it.

But But there's nothing, there's no safety net for kid actors.

You know what I mean?

You're really on your own.

You make such a great point there that people don't think about

wealth is associated with fame.

Yeah, right.

So if you are, as you say, famous, but don't have any money, then you have this double humiliation of, what are you doing on the subway?

I know why I'm on the subway.

There's no shame in me being on the subway.

Why you work in the security guard gig?

Right.

Yeah.

Poor fucking Gary.

I remember Army Hammer was selling real estate in the Bahamas for a minute.

I buy a house from that guy.

The kitchen was a little different.

You know, it's got really big ovens.

He sat here.

I was happy to do my part in real estate.

Army did.

Sat here?

Yeah.

I loved him in there was a movie.

He said,

he and Henry Cavill did the man from Uncle, and it was so fucking great.

I love the man from Uncle with Alicia Bikander, which also isn't she the best.

She's very attractive, young lady, yes.

Well, yeah, yeah, that too.

Oh, that's what I thought.

Oh, that I was saying?

Nah, she's amazing.

I've seen her play a bunch of people.

And a fine action supercomputer meant to say.

Yeah, she looks the part, though, but most people.

And she, you know, could have been Wednesday, is what I.

You're not wrong.

You know.

No, that girl's Jenna Ortega.

She's perfect for that part.

She better kills it.

No.

Me neither.

I don't go out to a lot of...

I mean, I go out more than you.

Apparently,

you seem to be saying that you're just a complete stay-at-home.

But you're married, right?

I am married.

Yeah.

We have an almost three-year-old.

Who will look out?

You've got the...

When I go out,

I do the stuff that feels like the prom stuff.

You know what I'm saying?

Like I went to that.

Not really, but I kind of do what, like award shows?

Well, yeah, yeah.

You go to the stuff that is like your peers at this moment in the year.

I love the Vanity Fair Oscar party.

Why not?

So there's like a particular party you go to where it's like, I know everybody here.

This is great.

I don't know everybody there, but I know who everybody is there.

And it's fun, like a petting zoo is fun,

to stand in the middle of a room and see nothing but stars.

And everybody knows you.

Everybody knows you.

Yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't say everybody, because there are certain

demographics that are elusive.

Let's glide over that.

But, you know,

anyone

who knows

what the war in Ukraine is probably knows who I am.

But yes, there are, you know, look, this is Hollywood.

Never underestimate what people don't know in this town.

This is not a talent.

You're not wrong.

It is not a talent.

People's blind spots are not.

It is not built on knowledge.

It is built on talent.

They are.

Sally Field once said it.

She said, you know, this town is full of shit, but they adore talent.

And it is true.

And it's very good at finding finding it.

You know, I always think for the people who are like, well, I never got my break.

Well, it's possible you could have just gotten bad breaks.

That's true.

But genuinely, the cream rises to the top.

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It is tough.

I did notice in the because I've had different moments.

I've gotten to work on all kinds of sets like First Time Director, Indies, and

like massive studio projects that have the full weight of multiple companies behind them in it.

You mean like Austin Powers?

Yeah, like Austin Powers, Italian job.

Yeah.

What was that?

We made without a paddle, apparently.

Yeah, big aliens.

Yeah, yeah, that was.

Big budget.

Yeah, yeah, I got to do that movie.

Big box office movies.

Yeah, exactly.

The thing I got to do with Travolta and Robin Williams, they had a ton of money behind that.

What was that?

It's called Old Dogs for Disney.

Yeah, old dog.

Yeah.

Old dog.

I know, right?

It's got me with a costumed man.

I'm in a gorilla.

I'm like a gorilla costume.

There's a whole genre now.

I call them geezer movies, where, you know, these are movies where actors who were huge stars, you have to be a huge star to begin with for decades, now are 80.

And there obviously is an appetite.

from the public, a certain percentage, to still see Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Morgan Freeman.

So, I mean, what kind of script can you have for an 80?

They have to be geezer movies.

But this

is like grandpa, you know.

Or like that heist movie that

Zach Braff directed that had like Morgan in it and Michael Caine in it, the heist movie.

I'm telling you, don't you remember like Grumpy Old Men?

Don't you remember like short circuit, not short circuit,

Battery's Not Included or Cocoon.

Yeah.

Like this has always been a thing.

Like we always watch.

I think this is, I think it's more now.

Yes, they always did that.

But I feel like in the old days, no, they put you out to pasture and the actors had more dignity.

You know, they were Carrie Grant-ish, Greta Garbo-ish.

Like, I've had my moment.

You moved in the 80s.

You got your Hume Cronins, your Jessica Tanner.

Even that was one movie.

I feel like now what they do is they seg into,

they were known as great dramatic actors, but they seg into the comedy world.

You're talking specifically about Helen Mirren and stuff like that.

Helen Mirin.

I'm telling you, De Niro, Morgan Freeman, Al Pacino.

De Niro's got a lot of childcare to pay.

You know, he's doing those movies.

I'm not knocking it.

Oh.

I'm just saying it's a phenomenon that we did not used to have to this level.

I don't know.

We could compare release things, but I do take your point.

I'm arguing harder than this than I do about Tyrone.

No, this is fun.

Hey, here's the.

Here's the toasting about nothing that matters.

So tell me about your life.

so you're married.

You got married like what most people would say late in life, right?

I guess so.

Yeah, I was in my in my later 30s.

But I, you know, I

went.

Oh, later 30s.

Yeah.

How long have you been married?

We've been married 15 years.

Wow.

I know.

It's crazy, right?

That's crazy to think about.

Neither one of us thought that was going to happen to us.

Neither you or your wife or me or you.

No, neither me or my wife.

We both just had been through a lot of life.

We both had had a lot of experience and sort of learned a lot about ourselves and about what we wanted, what we didn't want.

You know, I learned a lot of.

That's smart.

No one's ready to get married before.

That's a perfect time to get married if you're going to do it.

It works for me.

It works for me.

I really can't like prescribe anybody anything, but

I felt like we lucked out in a lot of ways.

And I learned a lot of shit on other girls' time.

You know, there's really nothing you can do about it.

We all do.

And

we all, well, I'm not going to speak for everybody.

I have some guilt about that.

Of course.

Not that I really should have guilt, because how could you help it?

You're young and you're dumb and you got to learn.

And if you're learning, you know, comedy, you do it in front of an audience and you're bomb and it's painful and it's got to, you, you inflicted that pain on that audience who had to sit through your shitty

learning

phase.

And it's the same thing with relationships.

Yeah.

You know, there are things that I did, I go, oh my God, I can't believe I was that stupid.

Nothing horrific, just like dumbass shit that you just would never do now.

And, you know, yes, but

all I can assume is that the girl was to a degree doing that on guys too.

Now, of course, girls mature much faster.

So I think their phase of being...

dumb ends a lot quicker than ours.

I don't know.

It just depends on...

I think I have, I discovered at least for myself that each of the longer term relationships I was in, there was a bit of me trying on some other persona for size, right?

Where this was a girl who had this way and she came from this and seemed like that and liked these things and we had this in common and let's see how this goes.

You know what I mean?

It was not, like I look at other people and I see, oh, you dated all these girls with dark hair with bangs.

It's like a very specific, oh, never a girl without tattoos or only a girl from this city or.

You know what I mean?

Really?

Yeah, of course.

Don't you know people with

a type?

Yeah, a type.

I don't feel like I had a type.

I just sort of tried a lot of things on for size.

Yeah, I would say I'm the same way.

I mean, my type was hot because I was just young and horrible.

What kind of things drive you?

What do you think?

What do you consider hot?

Like, can a girl be hot if she's not physically attractive?

No.

What?

I mean,

that's not even 101.

Well, here's the thing.

Here's the thing I can give you.

I'm sorry, but that's just the truth.

No, no, no.

It's hot to you.

No, that's different.

What's different?

Hot to you may not be hot to me.

That's totally fair.

But, you know, it's totally fair.

And by the way, it's something everybody would agree on.

Wouldn't it be funny if I was like, that's not fair?

We're going to fight about this.

You seem to want to fight about everything which you fought before.

I'm more than happy to fight.

Do I seem like I want to fight?

I feel like you're like, I say X, you say Y, kind of person.

And I don't really mean to.

I don't mean to be like that.

You can be.

It doesn't bother me.

It's kind of fun.

Okay.

But for a half hour.

What are you talking about, Bill?

We're not going to do that.

But I had a girlfriend once who was just like that.

Like, why I was in this relationship, I don't know.

It was dumb.

But I'd say X, she'd say Y.

I mean, it's just tedious.

Yeah.

But no, I mean, look, people just don't agree on everything, and that's fine.

But

what were we talking about?

We were talking about pulling hot girls once you got famous.

No, we weren't.

We weren't actually talking about that.

We were talking about...

No, no, we were talking about that.

We're sort of just circling around.

You just wanted to get to that.

We were talking about what

constitutes attraction and if hotness was a part of it.

And I said, of course it is, but it depends on what you think is hot.

I mean,

you know,

Billy Corgan was here.

Oh,

that's so cool.

Yeah, very cool.

I really like him.

I just got to meet him for the first time.

I was at a...

There was a big music festival and Green Day played.

I don't know if you know this, but the touring, like the anniversaries of the show.

I love Green Day.

They do the theme through my show.

You're kidding?

No, they perform the theme to my show.

Wow, that's amazing.

If you had anybody on here, like Mike would come on here in a second, I'm sure.

I want them all.

I've had Billy Joe on the show on real time years ago.

This kind of long form, though, fuck.

You'd never,

I mean, I'd love to see you.

This is Tangent City, though.

I'm like trying to get appointed.

Yeah, they're the fucking best.

They put on a show,

but I got to see Pumpkins play beforehand.

They put on a great show at this festival.

And then

Green Day played the anniversary.

It's like the 20th anniversary of American American Idiot and the 30th anniversary of Dookie.

And they just put up a big balloon and play the whole fucking record.

It's so cool, man.

They sound unbelievable.

They look insane.

I can't believe it.

And they're all like really adults.

I've been seeing these guys play music over 20 years.

Like I saw them the first time.

Had to be like 94, 95.

Yeah, sure.

The first time I saw them,

it's amazing to see them now.

They're just unbelievable.

It's amazing.

I mean, they're a great band, and it's amazing how many great bands, and really, why shouldn't they?

But continue on.

I mean, the Rolling Stones were on tour this year.

They're post-80.

Have you gotten to see them?

Yeah.

I've only gotten to see them one time and they were awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Awesome.

They know what they're doing.

Yeah.

It is cool.

They're still doing it.

Oh my God.

Did you see the Spinal Tap movie?

Not yet, but Rob was.

Rob was here a couple months ago.

I love him so much.

I think I froze up.

Like, looking back, I went to the premiere.

I saw everybody.

I've known Michael McKeon for a long time because I made a movie with his wife when I was a child, which is hilarious.

So when we see each other at all the shit, it's like, oh, hey, remember me when I was a kid.

Anyway, I tried really hard to find an end to talk to Christopher Guest.

And I just, he,

you know how it is, man.

You have one of these things and you're like very far away from a person.

and you sort of catch each other's eye right and you like try to muster up the courage to give like a head nod or something and before you know it the other person's like

yes because it's kind of chris guest in a nutshell like that's every experience I've ever had.

I mean, I don't know him, but I met him once and I did have the same experience.

Yeah.

And that just could, that might just be because he's shy.

I mean, some people are just legitimately shy.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's why I'm not, I don't take it personally.

I just always wish I could.

And let's not be cooler.

Let's not be hypocrites.

I'm sure there are people who you've done the head turn to because you didn't want to talk to them.

Yeah, never on,

it's never like, oh, I don't want to talk to that person.

It's always like, oh, shit, I'm personally, I don't know.

It's always like I'm embarrassed of something and don't feel comfortable talking to the person.

You know what I mean?

Some kind of like insecurity.

Okay, two words.

Andy Dick.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm just saying that.

Buddy, I was there the night that Marilyn Manson punched Andy Dick in the throat.

Oh, I don't know about this.

When and what was it?

I mean, this could be anytime, anywhere.

That's the worst part.

But when was it and why?

It's about 2003.

It was,

God, where were we?

We're at some, is that right?

It's 2003.

2003.

I can see it now.

Jarul is on the charts.

Sounds about right.

Yeah, so Mac and I were making that movie Party Monster.

We were in New York going out quite a bit.

And Manson was in the movie too.

So we all traded numbers and then eventually all went out one night.

And

you know, Andy.

We're like walking down the street to go into this club.

And Andy is like putting on a show.

And he just screams the second he sees me, Seth,

Rick James is dead.

And I go, oh, fuck.

I didn't know him, Andy.

Did you know him?

And he's like, kinda.

And I was like, hey, man, we're going to go in the club.

And he was like, me too.

And I was like, fuck,

we got to get inside.

And then we get inside and we're like seated.

And Mac is there and Manson is next to him.

And Andy gets in there.

And it's just that Andy comes and sits down.

And Manson just makes meaningful eye contact with me.

And I just pull my hat down.

I'm just, I was drinking tequila at that time.

I just drank this tequila.

I was like, this is a great beat.

I'm just going to listen to this.

I'm just going to dance in this vibe.

And then I see,

it's this.

And I saw it so clearly.

Okay, it's Andy

tries to talk to Mac and then tries to talk to Manson.

Try to talk to who?

Mac, Macaulay Culkin.

He tries to talk to Mac.

He like turns to Mac and he goes, Macaulay Culkin was there.

Yeah, yeah, we made, we just made this movie together.

So we're spending a ton of time together.

Yeah, he's an adult, two kids.

I know, you know, I just do that when I hear the poor guy.

You know, how many years does it have to be before people stop

doing the it's like the guy, the thing from Scream, you know?

I know, but two things: he's not poor, so you don't have to worry about it.

And B, every third quarter, he cleans up, so you don't have to worry.

Like, you might as well call him Santa Claus.

Yeah, it's Christmas.

Oh, right.

Christmas.

That's his month.

So here's the point.

Andy leans over to Mac and he goes like this.

And Mac just goes like this.

Just literally like this.

He's saying something as somebody else.

What was he saying?

Who the fuck knows, man?

I was dancing.

I couldn't hear anything.

And then he goes like this.

And he turns to Manson and he goes.

And I swear to you, Manson goes like this.

Just hits him right in the fucking throat.

And Andy just like sort of takes that hit.

And just like has a funny...

That's

Dewey and Man.

Well, Andy was, I think,

you know, there's that old thing of, you know, gay when drunk, or in Andy's case, gay when on crack.

Or maybe, I don't know.

But

what could Andy have said?

I don't know.

He said all kinds of inflammatory.

I know, but to the most

provocative sole I ever met.

But so personally offended that they hauled off and clocked you in the face.

Yeah, I'd love to say that Manson wasn't quick to punch people.

He was?

Yeah, of course.

I didn't know.

Oh, well, if you're like too close to him, he's definitely going to push you.

Really?

Yeah.

I was not close to him.

I mean, I used to see him.

He did a politically incorrect ones that got amazing press because he was like the biggest star

and very controversial.

Incredibly eloquent.

So whenever I used to see him, I mean, first of all, I used to always just say, hi, Brian, because he's just a guy with a good Halloween costume.

Like, I was always wanted to let him know, you know, I'm not falling for the, you know, you've got a great act.

It's great.

And even enjoyed a lot of the music.

I mean, the dope show.

And,

some great songs there.

But, you know, it was just, again, a Halloween costume.

I get it.

You got a shtick, but High Brian.

Yeah.

How did he take that?

Loved it.

Right.

Was not.

He got, it was a twinkle in his eye and mine.

I think it felt better.

I get it, and I'm not offended.

Coming from you, I think it felt better than when it came from like Courtney Love, like Courtney Love would have been a bit more.

Courtney Love did that?

Yeah, yeah, Courtney would hit him with that high Brian shit.

And I don't think he picked it.

I didn't know I was on the same beat as Courtney Love.

I don't think y'all are on the same beat.

Have you had her on this show?

No, but I would love to.

I would love to talk to Courtney Love.

There's a part of me that will always love her, always love her.

You know, Hull has some good music.

Yeah, they've got to be.

You know, and very commercial.

I mean,

her image is, you know, really out there.

Her records are not.

Not the ones I have anyway.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I love the

Live Through This and what's it called?

Hollywood.

Yeah, she's got some good records.

I mean, like well-produced,

just my kind of music.

She put on the show too.

I saw her tour Live Through This and it was fucking incredible.

So funny, the 90s.

Yeah, right.

What a time.

Can you even believe we got to do that?

That's so insane.

I mean, you were really young.

Yeah, yeah, but I was right in my 20s and in an age, like I had already made enough money that I could just like make some decisions.

No, it was

so hard hustling.

It was idyllic in the sense that it was post-AIDS, not that OIDS went away, but AIDS in the 80s, for the kids who don't,

this is all history to you, people were freaked out.

Because people die from sex in a way that never seemed possible.

I mean,

we don't have to get into the politics of how much was, as they would love to use the word these days, misinformation.

But yes, there was absolutely reason to be scared.

But you know, people were not having sex or wearing three condoms or I don't know what they were doing.

You know, at least two condoms is not a bad idea.

No, it's good to have safe sex.

There's also a lot of stuff that was misleading.

Anyway, absolutely.

Point is that like in the 90s we kind of got over that.

Like it was, it kind of reminded me of when we got over the pandemic.

It was like, ah, ah, ah!

And then, well, no, for we're just coming back.

Let's just go back to, yeah, let's just move on.

I think we love panicking.

We love panicking, and then we get enough of it, and we pretend it never happened, like it was just a dream, like it was the shower sequence in Dallas.

It's just bullshit.

Okay,

so we were over AIDS, and terrorism hadn't happened yet here in America.

Not to that extent.

I mean, we had like hijackings and things like that.

But it wasn't 9-11.

It wasn't between 9-11.

Right.

Well, Columbine became a little bit more than 10 years ago.

Column was 9-9.

So it was between...

Just go with this one.

You got to get it.

Don't say X.

Yeah, yeah, fuck it.

But there's no timeline.

Time's a circle.

Just go with this one, darling.

I'm with you, bro.

I'm telling you, the 90s was, it was post-AIDS and pre-terrorism paranoia.

So it was like a very, and the issues were like not much.

I mean, Clinton, who was a centrist, was president.

And the big issue is he got blown.

I know.

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The family that vacations together stays together.

At least, that was the plan.

Except now, the dastardly desk clerk is saying he can't confirm you're connecting rooms.

Wait, what?

That's right, ma'am.

You have rooms 201 and 709.

No, we cannot be five floors away from our kids.

The doors have double locks.

They'll be fine.

When you want connecting rooms confirmed before you arrive, it matters where you stay.

Welcome to Hilton.

I see your connecting rooms are already confirmed.

Hilton, for this day.

Can you believe the way we lost?

our shit.

No, I've been to Versailles and they showed me the separate house for the flip-lettes, you know, so you're like the favorite

other girl.

They're like, hey, listen, this king, he probably had like five, six women.

Two of them had houses.

One of them had a house right next to their house.

Hell yeah.

They just, nobody gives a shit.

They're just like, you guys are, it's so puritanical, it's shocking, right?

Like, what is, what is the beef with that?

Well,

that's true.

But also, I mean, what I was getting at was that

we were so innocent in a way of the kind of existential issues that we have now that we were disposed to obsess about this guy getting blown for two years, that this was.

We were.

I wasn't.

I didn't.

But it became the.

The place.

It was a national obsession.

Yeah, yeah, I remember.

And it wholly influenced culture in ways we couldn't even imagine.

Like, all of a sudden, everybody's like, I could wear a thong.

I could wear a thong.

We'll write a whole song about it.

Why?

Because she wore a thong.

She wore the thong.

And because.

Brand new?

Brand new.

Brand new.

Really?

Dancers and prostitutes wore thongs

pre-Monica Lewinsky saying that what got the president

to whip his dick out was her having the song peek out over the skirt.

And immediately it flipped culture.

Everybody's like, no shit.

You're right.

That was a big thing that she kind of baited him with the song.

Baited him.

My favorite thing is pop culture.

Like I love the way that this shit just ripples through full culture and there's no avoiding it.

Like you think that history is the most critical influence, but history is defined by pop, like the stuff that we really remember, the stuff that really collects an audience.

It is as powerful as any theology.

History is really decided by technology.

The new technology comes along, and we are just always slaves to it.

Are you into that?

Do you follow, do you keep up on it?

That's just the truth.

I mean,

I am not good at technology.

No, I mean, but do you like it?

Like, I'm super curious about tech, so I'm always paying attention to stuff.

Super curious about what?

Technology.

So I'm always paying attention.

I'm curious about it, but I'm not native to it, and so I'm poor at it.

I keep up enough to not be completely out of it.

But, you know, the way a 13-year-old is today, how they grow up, this new generation, I mean, or even Gen Z, even millennials, you know, people who grew up with computers, I did not.

Me too, man.

We're that generation.

I guess I'm just a little behind you, but you're Gen X, still.

You're a boomer.

It's funny.

But your generation is the last sane generation.

Then it went right off the end of the cliff.

But we were the legit, like, good luck.

last year.

You were the last generation that the parents allowed to have a free-range childhood.

Yes.

Did you have a free-range childhood?

So much.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, you motherfuckers.

I mean, I think about, I grew up in Philadelphia and New York.

I lived in New York anytime I was working, which was, you know, from the time I was seven to the time I was 16 and moved to Los Angeles, which was 91.

But in that time, growing up in Philadelphia and all around New York, it was like, good luck.

Here's your your key don't forget your phone number like when you talk I mean so I'm wondering if you like grew up around I think that over time I've gotten very lazy about policing what could be somewhere between a Delaware and a New York accent Delaware yeah yeah

cuz it's uh the Philadelphia accent what is like south and west and north and east Philly.

It sounds like the most

did you grow right in the city?

I grew up in Westerly.

Where's that?

It's the same place that Will Smith was born and raised.

Is it nice?

Is it a dark suburb?

It's like lower middle class.

Lower middle class.

So right.

My neighborhoods were all black and Italian.

My school was all black and Italian.

See?

Good practice.

Yeah.

Sorry, Bill.

It's all right.

You got me high.

I'm supposed to follow these questions.

I got you high.

Yeah, I really foisted it upon you.

What do you think of the pot?

This is great.

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, it's mellow, which I like.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But, But okay, so you grew up in this I would say we probably had very similar backgrounds, although I grew up in an all-white town, but I would say it was middle to lower middle class.

I mean, when I went back to the house like a few years ago, whoa, first of all, they completely remodeled it.

It's unrecognizable.

That's crazy.

Because it was so tiny.

People were happier back then, but they had tinier houses.

They had tinier everything.

They were not crazy, made crazy because they were mind-raped by the internet.

Don't you remember watching Cribs in the

mid-90s?

Yeah, the MTV show Cribs.

Of course.

So when I watched that show, I was like, oh, this is the end of culture.

Like, we're watching this.

We might as well be watching lifestyles of the rich and famous.

And MTV was popularizing this.

And I thought it was camp at first, but then I realized, like, I knew people that were like, I'm getting a shark tank in my

house.

I was like, I loved it because it gave me permission to say to people, okay, now get the fuck out of my house.

Right.

Because that's the way every episode ended.

I know, right?

I knew a couple that was on that show, and then, like, the next week after the show, they got robbed.

Oh, really?

Because they know.

Because I was like, oh, shit, I see these multiple points of entry.

It looks like they've got a really failing security system.

That's where the safes are?

Okay.

That's also so fucking insanely stupid.

And punked.

Remember, that was like.

Yeah, yeah, I was on like the second episode ever of Punk.

So before the concept was even.

Yeah.

Yes.

That's a badge of honor.

Yeah.

They never punked me.

Well, I was really lucky that

I couldn't look.

I was lucky that it wasn't a thing that made me look too stupid.

What was it?

What was the punk?

They invited me to

what was supposed to be like a charity gambling night.

Right.

The

Sunset Tower.

And it was after a taping in the 70s show.

And so we, like all those kids and I knew each other and we would have a habit.

They'd tape on Friday and then we would all go out together to one of these clubs and you roll into a place with like 15 or 20 people and you get to take over a section and you're not concerned about anybody getting in or making you feel unsafe or any of it really being dangerous.

So it was a very cool vibe.

If you just like to dance and drink and we all had like cars that were there so nobody was driving or anything.

Anyway, so they were like, hey, instead of that after the show tonight, we're going to do this charity gambling thing.

And I was like, okay.

And so we get to this place.

And I had just been in the place before for a table reading.

So immediately I noticed that this room had been recently renovated.

Yeah, yeah, I love that.

Thank you.

I don't know how much of the story do you want.

It's real simple.

They tried to.

Well, as you can see, we have to go to commercial.

Isn't it great that we don't?

But we have to, like, I mean, like a zero.

Do I ever think about this?

Because like I was saying at the beginning, I wanted to finally do a show that was exactly what my life is like.

So zero difference between if you just came over, if you just came over, would I have a series of questions?

I see these podcasts, and they're just like talk shows used to be.

They have cards, they have microphones.

Okay, I'm not knocking them.

I'm just saying, this is different.

I love that.

I love it too.

You got to put your spin on it.

But what were you saying?

Because I was very

pleased.

Oh, what was the punk?

The whole punk.

So you're in a charity thing?

yeah yeah but they took me out so the guy was like yo man can i talk to you and this guy looked really familiar and i realized later it looked familiar because he was on 106 in park um

i was like oh this guy i didn't even know and then uh but he takes me outside and you know there's like nobody in this party i'm like this is not a party guys the lights are so bright right i'm like there's no music like what is this and i'm looking at all these doors i'm trying to find an outlet i'm gonna like plug in my speaker i was like

y'all are not going to raise any money.

This party sucks.

Then the guy,

the guy like takes me outside and he says, hey, man, I got to let you know I'm a cop.

And I was like, oh, cool.

I know a lot of cops.

And he's like, yeah, I'm undercover.

We're about to bust up this game.

And I was like, oh, weird.

I thought this was a charity game.

What do you mean you bust it?

And he goes, this is an illegal game.

And

I think you know who's running it.

I was like, Wahoo.

And he said, We know that you know.

And I go, I don't know what you're talking about.

My friend said that this is a charity game.

Are you saying there's something going on?

Is this like an illegal charity?

What are you talking about?

That is so.

And he's like, You got to tell me whose game this is.

And I was like, Ah, well, these are the people that invited me, but I don't think they organized it.

What were the punksters expecting you to do that would be so embarrassing?

Like, suddenly we're going to be like, It's Aston Kutcher's game.

Aston Kutcher.

Aston Kutcher is by Aston Kutcher.

He invited me.

A-S-H-H.

It gets so silly, too.

Because there's a moment where, like, I go back.

He's like, he's like, hey, the cops are going to come in here in about 45 minutes.

So you got to, you got to get the fuck out of here.

And I was like, okay, cool, cool, cool.

So I go back on the table and I'm like, hey, Kutch, we probably got to get the fuck out of here.

Like, man, you get your money off the table.

Like, maybe we get out of here.

He's like, what are you talking about?

We're staying.

We're doing this thing.

And then some motherfucker somersaults through the window.

And all of a sudden, the doors explode and there's people.

And they're like, everybody on the ground, kind of shit.

And this is how many times I've been in handcuffs.

I immediately look around and I'm like, well, none of these have guys have guns.

So

this is obviously going to intend to be like a peaceful takedown.

This isn't, I don't think anybody's going to get hurt tonight.

So then everybody's like, well, that's your white privilege talking, Seth.

I'm out of here.

None of them had guns.

There's nothing to talk about.

None of them even had tasers.

They didn't have utility belts.

I'm like, well, whatever this is, is different than like cops.

So

you know what I mean?

Yes.

So then they're blah, blah, blah about like whoever knows whatever.

And like I make eye contact with Kutcher because they're like everybody on the ground, get on the ground on the ground.

And I make eye contact with Kutcher and I'm just like, don't say anything.

Don't say shit.

They don't have, there's nothing to say.

I love blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, the blah, blah, blah.

Because that's what they were like, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then whatever.

Illegal, whatever.

Well, then the same guy made me stand up and he was like, why don't you tell everybody what I said?

So really, you punked them because they didn't get you you to look stupid.

And when that happens, I feel like that show should have then had this mea culpa, like, okay, the contestant who we played this game with, they won the game because they didn't do something stupid.

Because I've seen them do stupid things.

I've seen the ones where it's like, don't you know who I am?

Oh, my God.

Ooh, you look bad to know I'm not.

I've seen so many times.

People do the, you don't know who I am because we just caught you being the asshole that you pretend you're not in public.

They did it one, they punked, it was like Penelope Cruz or maybe Selma Hayek, where there's a giant shit in the bathroom and one of them is like asked to take credit for it.

And they're like, which one of you shit in the back?

And I'm like, bitch.

They did that to Penelope Cruz?

Yeah, Penelope Cruz and Selma Hayek.

Can you imagine that?

But wait, so

the Selma Hayek punk was that there was a giant.

Yeah, they went out to a public restaurant and

she was like, I got to go.

And she was supposed to throw a fit about that?

No, she was supposed to.

I got to tell you, I would throw a shit about that.

I would.

I think she was supposed to find the shit.

And then

they come out and they're like, hey, listen, you clogged the toilet.

And then she's like, no, I don't.

Accuse her of it.

Accuse her of it.

Because if anyone looks like they take massive shits, it's like Penelope.

No, I think it was Selma Hayek.

But similar figures.

Oh, so you just said Selma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, you know, Latina ladies are all the same.

No, no, absolutely.

It just looks bad.

They have a similar figure.

They do, and there's nothing wrong with that.

And by the way, I think we're past that era.

That was the peak woke era.

It is

like how freaking delicate it got.

It was almost Red Scare kind of

era.

And now, of course, we have the, because nothing ever happens in the middle in this country, we have the pendulum swinging all the way to the other side.

It's scary like this when they start talking about the hate speech not being protected under

the pressure.

But Peak woke was, how dare you mix up with Selma Hayek with Penelope Cruz?

And insanity is just, I'm sorry.

I get stars mixed up sometimes.

It's not a hate crime.

Nobody died.

And nobody hates Latinos.

He's not in the Klan because he got two actors mixed up.

I know I was at a party and saw Seth Rogan there.

And we were standing next to each other talking for a minute and two different people came up and almost glitched at the idea of us being together.

Why?

Because we're both named Seth.

Oh.

And they don't have room in their brain for more than one Seth.

Yeah, I hate people like that.

Now when you were unmarried with children, right?

What was that?

You know, it's so funny.

What was the cast like?

Ed O'Neill, great to work with.

So great.

Ed is like a dad to me.

Like he still calls me every once in a while to just be like, hey,

you get those residuals.

And Christina Applegate, national treasure you know i was a guest star on that show you were yes in my uh what are you talking about married with children or yes her other show the situation

now married with children i mean in my uh did you too well in my oh my god what did you play in my wandering years you know i came out here in the early 80s comic and in those days we all wanted to get on a sitcom and i did and i got on a few of them and then it was like that was going down uh but i was still like you know somebody who they were interested in putting in a show maybe so i would do guest spots.

I did Roseanne.

And I did Married with Children.

Amazing.

And she could not have been nicer.

As far as like,

as far as like

inviting someone into the sort of inner circle of the cast, which is, you know, we've been all been on shows.

It gets very clicky.

But making someone who was a guest star feel like, oh, you're part of the family this week, too.

I will never forget that.

And

I think we all do.

We remember the people who treated us like that.

And we remember the people who don't.

You're right.

I always try to be the former.

Like

I had enough really positive experiences, especially as a kid,

to take,

I wouldn't say responsibility, but I have sympathy for, and I have empathy for anybody who's like going through this.

I've been,

my whole career was defined in guest spots and like day player parts.

You know what I'm saying?

Like just trying to find a way to make somebody notice me.

But as a result, I worked on all of the shows.

So I got to know everybody from a very young age and see how people

do it poorly.

And you got into the slipstream that was like the right one to get into, which is like comic book stuff.

Isn't that funny?

Well, all of this shit that nobody wanted to talk about.

pre-2007.

Which now rules showbiz.

Yeah, isn't that crazy?

That's the funny thing.

I have to remind all of my nerdy friends that it's like week one, everybody chill out.

Good for their college funds.

It's not bad.

My child will be able to love Fantastic Four without ever worrying about being beaten with her own metal Fantastic Four lunchbox.

Yeah, there's good money in that, right?

It ain't bad.

Well, with anything, man, you get anything that hits.

Like, the margins are so much bigger now than they ever were before.

It makes it a little bit harder for the independents, but it just means that you got to find the little money for little things in other places.

Those comic book people went after me once really hard because I said something about when

Stan Lee died.

Yeah.

You know, and I wasn't making fun of Stan Lee.

I wasn't happy Stan Lee died.

I was sorry that comic book fans lived.

No, I'm saying.

No,

I mean, enjoy.

I was just saying, like, these people who think that comic books are great literature.

I mean, I heard from the Stan Lee Society who said like, you, Bill Maher, you're a terrible person.

You think comic books are immature they said the same thing about Dostoevsky and Melville and Shakespeare no they didn't nobody ever said that if you read a book without pictures you'd know that to be true nobody ever said that so you know you could enjoy an everlasting childhood I mean everybody does what they want it's a free country but just don't tell me that it's that this is the same thing as literature because it's not because the plots are not resolved the same way.

The Godfather is a great movie because of the way the plot is resolved.

Comic book movies, the plot is resolved because somebody shoots rays through their fingers.

That's not, that's fine, but that's not for adults.

You know, I want material for adults.

It's just me.

You can enjoy that, but you know, don't get on my case if I call you out on it.

Yeah, yeah, I don't...

I don't agree with the getting on each other's cases about your likes or dislikes.

The great thing about living in this country, at least for the moment, is you're

still have this freedom.

moment, we'll see.

No, it's true.

We still have this freedom of expression.

We still have these, what we imagine to be inalienable rights.

Like when our forefathers escaped,

left what they felt was the tyranny of the

king and decided to forge this new union without any of the dumb shit that they felt they'd endured under the king.

And here we are, you know, it's almost 300 years later.

You could also argue that like which empire lived more than 300 years like most of these empires go through some kind of very significant change i just didn't expect ours to be like this kind of apathetic resignation to autocracy like it just seems so silly everybody's like oh well i guess we'll just never have elections again i'm like well guys you forget the power of the people like the fucking power of the people guys that's it even if they say you can't vote you could still I couldn't have expected a guy like this guy to be the guy.

And I think, you know, we both knew this guy.

Like I had never met him but I know this guy the this guy the guy that's in the office is this

yeah that's just a sparkling water this is just sparkling water I swear to you said I think it's this it's this one right somebody say something

what is that I'm gonna refill what do you want I've got another drink oh that's yours that's this is mine yeah all right what are you drinking I'm drinking a Moscow mule I stayed on vodka I find it mixes really well with the the weed yeah you don't have to apologize for it no no I was just telling you I'm just

you don't have to give me a reason to drink vodka you're at club random dude that's not what this show is talking about

you could be doing heroin here you think i would give a it's not really that true thing i mean wouldn't that be crazy you know what the most romantic thing a girl ever said to me let's hear it

i went and said to the girlfriend um

what would you do if i started taking heroin and she said start taking heroin oh i mean i thought she was gonna say i'd get your help right we'd get the best people in the world and really get a needlework.

And I mean, it's wrong, but it's also like the most romantic thing I've ever heard in my life.

That is very sweet.

Don't you remember that rock bit?

Chris Rock had that bit where he talked about,

it dovetailed into the whole thing about Clinton.

getting blow jobs and making the comment that men are only as faithful as their options.

I thought I was

going to say that.

That was my joke.

I'm not here to debate that, but he

men are as loyal as their options.

Yeah, yeah, he said that, but the joke that he made that I thought was so funny: he's like, listen, man, if you smoke crack, your wife has to smoke crack.

That's it.

Okay, that's it.

You got to have the same hobbies, which I thought was a very funny comment.

Pretty accurate.

I know I said that first.

You know why?

Because I remember who said it to me, who I stole it from.

Who's that?

I'm not going to say the name, but I was living in New York from 1979 to

1982.

And I was dating, of course, a waitress in 1982.

Remind me to tell you something about that.

In two seconds, I will.

Yeah, give me a tweet.

And she said that to me, those exact words.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

I remembered it.

I stole it.

I used it.

What is your story?

Waitress.

So Mac's mom.

Mac's mom at one point.

Who's Mac's mom?

Macaulay Calkin's mother.

Oh, Mac.

Yeah, at one point.

Is he still like your fucking bro from another?

Yeah, movie in the club.

We're good for you.

Really?

Yeah, I love that boy.

And how's he doing?

He's fucking great.

Really?

Sorry.

Yeah, he's so wrong.

Oh, my God.

He's so wrong.

Well, he's done like a little bit of acting.

Like, I forced him out of retirement to make this movie.

Yeah, where is his mind at?

His mind is clear and great.

He's

not having kids.

He doesn't care that

the

rocket that went up when he was a child didn't stay up.

I don't know if you understand.

His dad

was not a great dad, but his dad made sure that Mac has money.

Mac never had a drug problem.

Mac never had a gambling problem.

Mac still has all that money.

And there are so many different points of income for him annually, and he's only introducing new ones.

So I got to tell you, he is of sound mind and body and like not even

getting started.

Like he did a bunch of acting stuff, pulled him out of retirement to do this movie in Thailand.

And then he was like, oh, I think I like acting.

Wound up, it's the best.

And people are like, you want to do some acting?

He did a Vanity Fair cover, got a star on Hollywood Boulevard,

showed up in Righteous Gemstones.

Can you make him come here?

Can I make him come here?

Can I talk to him?

I bet he would chat with you as long as you don't want to talk about Michael.

I don't.

Yeah.

Do I look like I don't think?

He has an agenda.

Dude, no, he loves comics too.

I would love to talk to him.

Yeah, he'd love to.

I bet he'd be down to talk to you.

I bet you'd be good for him, too, because people just have no idea who he is.

It's like,

and look, I understand what you're saying about his father not being a good father.

Of course he's not a good father.

That kid had to booby trap the house himself.

Okay, I'm not going to do any.

I'm not going to tell you that.

No, no, he loves all that shit.

But he's

buddies.

We'll get along.

Yeah, yeah.

It'll be so much fun.

He loves comics.

He's buddies with Jeff Ross.

He was buddies with Sagat.

Tell him to come here.

I'll treat him so good.

I never, this is not a gotcha show.

It doesn't feel like it.

It's not.

Although they're getting drunk, like this can easily leave.

Everybody leaves here.

The only thing they all have in common is they want to stay longer.

Yeah.

But we only got 90 minutes, man.

Well, we have whatever we want.

How do you cut this show?

Do you like

cut it?

You just let it rot.

So if it's like too much.

The only way we cut it is if the guest complains, because we, you know, we want to be guest friendly.

Yeah, but talking about.

I don't cut anything.

But we shouldn't talk about

gerbils being a great name for your gerbil.

Gerbil.

This is gerbils, the gerbil.

It is a great name, though.

It's not bad, right?

A terrible person and really rotten guest.

Yeah, yeah, I bet he's just a real bummer.

Doesn't have any good stories.

But what about Mac?

Oh, this is the best story.

So I said to Mac's mom, yeah, I gotta get a crush on this waitress at this bar.

And she goes, Of course, you're gonna have a crush on the waitress because she's serving you.

And I was like, ah, that's fair.

Yeah, but I mean, we've all had waitresses that were serving us, and we didn't also want to date.

Plenty.

Yeah.

Plenty.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mostly the guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was definitely selective in the people that I

would give.

You know, this, and you probably had the same kind of thing.

Like, there was a point in the 90s where I realized that I couldn't predict

anyone's

purpose in talking to me.

You know what I'm saying?

I was like, well, I'm very recognizable at this point to the point where I can't underestimate the reach of that and whether someone would be pursuing me.

I had people pursue, but even before cell phone cameras and social media, I had a lot of people try to take advantage of me or trick me or like rob me, all kinds of crazy shit.

But you get pretty savvy about sussing them out.

Yeah, I gotta go.

I'm gonna do Philadelphia and New York.

I got to make my first movie when I was eight years old with a lot of very successful people who I had.

No, but I'm saying, so the people who weren't sincere, who were trying to get in your drawers,

you kind of get it.

Whether it's man for his things, business stuff, or a woman, you kind of,

I mean, you can do it in a sentence or two.

It's true.

I got very street smart from all of that.

And I think that's why.

Because here's the thing.

I knew a lot of kids that died.

I know a lot of kids that got molested.

I know a lot of kids that got into all kinds of shit that never happened to me.

And I had this moment when I was, you know, in my 20s when all these kids start kind of coming out and talking about it.

And I was like, oh, my God, I stayed at that guy's house for a month.

Nobody ever tried to molest you?

No.

And I had- Kind of insulting, isn't it?

Well, I had that moment.

I was like, what the fuck?

Am I just like so unfuckable?

well, I mean, that is the conclusion one would have to draw.

Yeah, yeah.

So I was like, all right, well, I got to work harder for this.

I just started doing crunches like crazy.

You know what I'm saying?

Squats all day long.

Like, just trying to put it out there.

Making breakfast with no shirt on.

Maybe a thong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can guys wear thongs?

Always.

Go to Europe.

But I feel like in the 90s era, early 2000s, I think that's like when our

overlapped as guys who were out a lot.

Yeah, right.

When I saw you out.

I saw you.

I think I was more monogamous.

I saw you on longer periods.

You know what I did when I saw you on?

I just kind of...

I was like, oh, shit.

We did it to each other.

No, no, I liked it.

Because you're smart and you're not crazy.

And you're like, there's something about comics, I think, where you inherently love the audience as much as you find reason to resent them.

Like,

you kind of can't help it.

It's what I love about guys like Robin.

You just sort of need, you know, life is fucking terrible.

And you just sort of want to make people smile sometimes, you know, even if it's like feeling not alone.

I think that's the thing that comics really share and I've always related to that.

But somehow we wound up both being the kind of guy who,

per the old phrase, would go to the opening of an envelope.

I went to a bunch of things.

We just.

I did go to parties.

Yeah.

Because

it was fun.

Well, it's also, like I said, it's a little bit like

your winter formal or your social at your school, right?

These are our peers.

And you sort of,

but like, I remember, I mean, I didn't, you were younger when it happened to you.

I was older, so it was like, I remember the normal life when you would just go to Dingleberry's on Friday night, you know, and hope to get lucky.

And now I'm

Dingleberry.

You go to residuals.

I like residuals.

And

there was a great disco, Enema.

Oh, it was fantastic.

Three levels.

The top was hip-hop, then it was 80s.

But okay.

So it was like, okay, but now I'm invited to this thing, which is like red carpet.

I know.

And, you know, maybe it's a shitty fucking horror movie, but I'm invited.

Yeah.

And I'm going to go.

And there was a period.

I went to the MTV awards a bunch because it's crazy.

You go to the MTV.

You like meet Buster Rhymes.

I got to meet Cee-Lo.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

It was fun for me.

I get to see all these crazy things.

I got to see things that are

on much lower level than the MTV awards.

That's at least an award show.

I'm talking about movie premieres and just parts.

It had to be somebody I knew.

It had to be somewhere I felt safe.

We started going out.

That club thing really worked, and it was a couple years that we did it just because it was safe.

You'd go to a spot, there's this place on La Brea called AD that was really chill.

And it was just, we'd roll in there a bunch of, you know, I think I was the oldest at 29.

Are you talking about the nine?

Is this the 90s?

It was the end of the 90s, the early 2000s.

I feel like that, yeah, that was my era to be out a lot.

And I feel like...

I was just in tighter spaces, I think.

My focus was on like dancing and not getting photographed.

But what about, but you were obviously not married.

You were obviously out there.

Oh, and I was definitely meeting people.

You were single and ready to mingle.

Yeah.

Well, also, just like you, I got invited to like the Playboy parties.

I got invited to like the Perfect 10 parties.

And all of a sudden, you're in a position where a girl who looks like a photograph is like, I fuck you.

You know what I'm saying?

So I definitely,

there are plenty of instances where we both got a story to tell for the rest of our lives.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

yes.

And

yeah, as like a short Jewish kid with red hair named Seth that grew up in West Philadelphia and got constantly his ass kicked with his own like pop culture accessories.

It was really cool to have girls say, I'd fuck you.

And I mean, what is the lesson there that life evens out, right?

I mean, like, I don't know why.

I think for me, the lesson was, man, you got to have a really good personality because you're not going to pull this off on first glance.

Well, fame.

Yeah, but even before that, I think the reasons I got famous is because I pushed my personality.

It works so hard.

Your fame, your personality comes through in the roles you play.

Right.

But, I mean, let's not guilt the Lily too much.

I mean, it's also just fame.

It's also just the best.

Well, there's plenty.

You know, Warhol is my favorite, favorite, because Warhol was the one who really talked about the power of the camera.

Talked about the audience's obsession with self, talked about the audience's inevitable individual 15 minutes of fame.

I mean, that is the most prescient thing anybody ever said because when you see that everybody has a podcast,

everything is so fractured.

When was the last time you read 1984?

I read it in 16.

I read it in 1916 when Trump was running.

And it was the, you know, the thing that Orwell never presumed was something like the internet.

There was no way to imagine social media.

And so it all took the form of the telescreen, which could always be on, which could always be recording.

But the main thing was getting down to thought crime, like a real separation of the classes and the cultures and the point where you thinking something is an arrestable offense.

And then they go and put you in a corporate crime.

But that's a hate.

Well, so I.

Well, this is it, right?

We're edging that territory.

We're not edging.

It's been decades since we said we believe in this country that there is such a thing as a hate crime.

Now, that's basic liberal dogma.

I consider myself a liberal, but I never agreed with that.

A hate crime is a thought crime.

It's more punishable than something else.

It's a thought crime.

And I don't think we should go down that slope.

It's a crime is a crime.

If you kill somebody, you should be punished for it.

The law should not be involved in what is in your mind, your fucking fucked up mind.

I don't really give a shit.

I hadn't really thought about it that way, but that's a fair point.

Wow.

Thank you, darling.

Our anniversary is going to be solid.

Do you like cake?

All right.

Well, listen, I really enjoyed enjoyed you.

Yeah, it's great to talk to you.

I had this realization is the longest conversation we've ever had.

Oh, by fuck.

Like one-on-one.

We always see you in green rooms.

Yeah, because when we were on stage and saw each other before, we gave each other the look and then went after the hottest girl.

Good look out there.

Girl in the room.

Well, I'm like, you know, 5'10 and under is usually where I'm aiming.

Okay, I'm glad I got to know you.

Yeah, good to see you.

I'm glad I got to know you more.

Okay.

You trying to go?

All right.

I'm going to go back to my real job.

That's sweet.

So this is like your thing.

How long did it take to build this room?

I didn't build it.

I bought it.

You're kidding.

This came on the property already?

Yeah, this was on the property and it was a mess.

But

what was it?

Like a wine cellar or something?

No, a movie star owned this house.

It was full of video games.

It was like an arcade.

Right.

And

it was just terrible.

It was full of termites and mold.

But I just was like, you know, there's a vibe to this place.

I mean look at that crooked door.

I love it.

Like there's some somebody like

did something

like Tell Rubin.

I've always loved it.

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