Jay Leno | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Speaker 1 I'm in the hall. I see guys carrying what I think is a plate glass window.
It's a giant cue card. This has the word hello on it.

Speaker 1 I like the old school pleasures. The old school, the old school.

Speaker 1 Amen. Amen.
Women will glad of it.

Speaker 1 Jay?

Speaker 1 Bill, what's going on?

Speaker 1 If that's not Jay, that's an amazing impression. You are.
Stay there. I don't want you to hurt yourself.
I'm all right.

Speaker 1 I got a bust of drinks. So listen, I wrote out the next six get well cards.
I thought

Speaker 1 with the price of postage these days, if you don't want to... I think you're so smart.
You save your money. I mean, this one is for when you fall down a flight of stairs.

Speaker 1 This is something to do with a knitting needle. This is an elevator shaft.
Very good.

Speaker 1 Well, thank you. Thank you, Bill.

Speaker 1 You're concerned.

Speaker 1 Well, how are you, Jay? I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm all right. I'm okay.
You're Iron Jay. I'm okay.
I'm all right.

Speaker 1 I feel like you are proving that you're Iron J, and you don't need to. We always thought you were Iron Jay.
I understand. I understand.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 you heal very quickly. I do heal quickly.

Speaker 1 Because like I said. Because 10 days ago, this is totally black and white.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And, you know, my eye was shut for three days, and I thought, oh, boy, am I blind to one eye? Okay.
And then after three days, it opened. Oh, okay.
And I was fine.

Speaker 1 Now, what do you attribute that to? Good Italian. It was swollen.
It was swollen. Scottish, Italian.
Yeah, Scottish, Scottish genes. That's what you want.
Thinning hair, bad teeth, bad skin.

Speaker 1 You want those Scottish genes.

Speaker 1 But no, combinations are always healthier, just like in dogs. Well, I guess that's true.
That's true. The more we are, and of course, when you're two alike, as when you marry your cousin,

Speaker 1 we know that goes the wrong way. That goes the wrong way.
So

Speaker 1 that's

Speaker 1 because you're not a young man anymore.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. But you certainly shouldn't be

Speaker 1 f on you're you're quite hail, but you sh certainly shouldn't be falling down hills, don't you think? I agree. But my only I had the, it was either walk two and a half.

Speaker 1 I thought, it doesn't look that steep. Damn.
And then fell down. But you know, Jay,

Speaker 1 when I started, someone told me, your edge is your sanity.

Speaker 1 Your what? Your edge. Your edge is show business is your sanity.
Because so many people in show business are crazy in their own different ways.

Speaker 1 I think at the time we were talking about Richard Belzer, you know, who had his own, you know, he was a brilliant comic, but he was a very good person. You know, he was a real good actor, too.

Speaker 1 He did a great job on Homicide in the Streets. He really found the depth of that character.
Yes, Detective Munch. Yeah, I mean, it was unique.
I hadn't seen a character like that. He made it his own.

Speaker 1 And I assume it was, I don't...

Speaker 1 I don't think anybody guided him that. I think he just sort of developed it himself.
It's pretty good. Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 I felt it was Belzer, as we knew Belzer, as a detective. If Richard Belzer, the comic, had chosen to be a detective, that's exactly.
That's what's funny is a comic.

Speaker 1 He was a good comic, but he was the same comic. He didn't change his act hardly much at all.
What? He never wrote a word down. Well, I remember he was.
He did the same bits. We all did.

Speaker 1 Well, when he did TV, he would always do kind of the same. Oh, well, you know, I mean, again, I mean, good

Speaker 1 improvisational comic. Yeah, he was good.
He was good. Yeah, he was brilliant in the nightclub.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And many have found out that, you know, it doesn't translate as well to TV. You know, some performers are hot as opposed to the cool medium of TV.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 You know, you were number one for over two decades because you understood television. Why are you putting eye drops in your jaws? They're not eye drops.
Oh, I see. I brought them for you.

Speaker 1 I thought you were. In case you hurt yourself while you're here.
I thought the Vienzine, I didn't know what you're doing.

Speaker 1 No, this is just a way to have a healthier version of

Speaker 1 well, what are you eating lady lately? Are you still on, you're still on the do you ever eat vegetables? No. Are you still the guy who doesn't eat a vegetable?

Speaker 1 I had one 62 and I didn't like it.

Speaker 1 What vegetable was it? I don't remember. It was a horrible experience.
I'm just not a vegetable guy. No, I understand.
And look, you're proving that

Speaker 1 obviously there's something in our genes that's more powerful than things like how you eat, because a lot of people would think, if you never eat a vegetable, how could you possibly be healthy?

Speaker 1 But yeah, I don't drink. I don't smoke.
I don't do drugs. I'm not a stress guy.
I don't stress.

Speaker 1 You know, people say, oh, the tonight Joe must be too much. No, write Joke, tell Joe, get check.
Pretty simple.

Speaker 1 No, I do do drugs and drink. Really? No, you see, I learn something every day.

Speaker 1 I've known you all these years. Now I find out you do drugs.
Jay,

Speaker 1 do you know, did you see what the inquirer said about your spill? No, what did they say? They say, well,

Speaker 1 it's a conspiracy theory, since you've had three accidents,

Speaker 1 that you actually have gambling debts and you're being beaten up by the mob. Well, that's what I love the idea that the mob would drive to Greenberg, Pennsylvania,

Speaker 1 wait outside the Hampton Inn

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 kind of a sleety, kind of rainy day to throw me down the hill. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, no, that's not what they're saying. Please don't mischaracterize the inquirer.

Speaker 1 They're saying throw you down the hill was your cover story, but they just beat you up like the mob always does.

Speaker 1 And that when you had the other accident where you fell off your motorcycle, wink, wink,

Speaker 1 and had your knees.

Speaker 1 No, what happened was a guy had a rope across the driveway and it cut my... Because sure he did, Jane.
I just got it.

Speaker 1 i i got it i got i got a new face when i'm when my face caught fire and then two months later that it tore my face i had to call my face guy and i need another face so i went up and he gave me another one so you have the same face so you're not you're it's interesting the article started out saying jay leno was worth 450 million dollars has gambling debts i was like that is quite a gambling well i like the idea that they wouldn't just take one of my cars for the gambling debt

Speaker 1 right yeah Yeah. Why? Because they're worth that much.
No, you know, I was pretty smart.

Speaker 1 I remember years ago, I was a catcher rising star and I was on stage. And this guy, a mob guy, comes up to me afterwards.
He goes, hey, you funny kid, you're funny kid.

Speaker 1 I'm like, well, hey, he takes $100, he puts it in my pocket. Really?

Speaker 1 Really, you're funny kid. He goes like this.

Speaker 1 I said, oh, thank you. I said, look, I don't mean any disrespect, but,

Speaker 1 you know, give it to the church or

Speaker 1 something.

Speaker 1 He goes,

Speaker 1 I said, no, I'm okay, but thank you. I don't want you to know.

Speaker 1 I appreciate it. I'm okay.
And he says to me, no, you're a smart kid. You don't take money from people like me.
That's smart. And nobody ever bothered me again.
Nobody ever bothered me again.

Speaker 1 I saw the mob kick the crap out of comics left and right. What? Yeah.
Really? Well, one person we know

Speaker 1 was on stage.

Speaker 1 Was he Italian? No. No.
Oh, yes. Yes, he was.
Yeah. Yeah, he was.
An Italian name. Yes, I think I know who he was.

Speaker 1 Anyway. And just beat the crap out of him because he was

Speaker 1 being a wise ass on stage.

Speaker 1 To them. To them.
Yeah. That kind of said he's not good.
You know, that happened to Carson. You know, Carson.
Got beat up?

Speaker 1 Well, Carson went to Jilly's one night with Bushkin.

Speaker 1 His lawyer. Yeah.
And they got him drinks.

Speaker 1 And they started hitting on these two girls kind of rudely.

Speaker 1 Turns out their mob oh mauls girlfriends with mall callback

Speaker 1 so they threatened to they put a hit out on carson so carson

Speaker 1 stops the tonight show for the week he just goes he leaves because this is real

Speaker 1 and then at the time

Speaker 1 they had you remember joey colombo the guy he had that that whole italian civil rights thing going to new york sure of course well they had the italians they had the italian st.

Speaker 1 Gianovici VC parade which was sponsored by the five families so nobody in New York would cover it. So Joey Colombo went to NBC and said

Speaker 1 if you cover

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 Italian parade we'll pull a hit on Carson and they did they ordered it you never heard you never heard of that story I certainly did not you got to get out more you know you're smoking too much dove you got to get out and see what real people are doing I bring people in here and then they tell me things yeah yeah yeah yeah no but yeah that's that's true.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that was for real. I mean, you know, it's just.

Speaker 1 So just for the record, you were not beaten up by the mob because you were. No, I was not.

Speaker 1 Have you ever gambled? No, I don't gamble.

Speaker 1 I said it doesn't sound good. No, I don't care.
I don't care.

Speaker 1 You know, losing 100 bucks makes me feel stupider than winning $1,000 makes me feel good. Because I go, I could have.

Speaker 1 I could have taken my wife to dinner. I could have done something.

Speaker 1 I don't get it. Plus, I'm dyslexic.
So to me, sir, you have 28. What? You have have 28.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's not 21. No, it's 28, sir.
Oh, okay. No, no, so I'm not, no.
No, I'm not a gambler.

Speaker 1 No, your life is comedy, and that's why you're at the Hampton Inn.

Speaker 1 Here's a question, Jay, getting back to my thing about your sanity as your edge.

Speaker 1 Why is a guy who's worth $450 million staying at the Hampton Inn?

Speaker 1 You know, my plane landed at one in the morning. I'm there for seven hours.

Speaker 1 I just grabbed a hotel. I go to bed.
Why, where would I stay? You know, I owe, I remember once we had MC Hammer came to the tonight show

Speaker 1 and he had 300 people.

Speaker 1 No, he didn't. Yes.
300. 300 people on his staff.
I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't know if all 300 were there, but there were hundreds. There were hundreds of people there.
It was like, and they're all cousins, they're all being paid.

Speaker 1 And then I realized he's having tax problems. Oh, what could go wrong?

Speaker 1 But isn't there a middle ground between that and the Hampton Inn? I'm just saying, middle ground to me. You find me a better hotel in Greenberg, Pennsylvania, and I'll stay there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, what do you, yeah, I'll be. But even playing Greenberg, Pennsylvania,

Speaker 1 it sort of reminds me of Elvis the day he died. You know where he was headed? Portland, Maine.
I mean, well, he's Elvis Presley. You know, I feel like...
Muhammad Ali fought in Portland, Maine.

Speaker 1 He bought Stanley Listen. Biggest fight ever up to that point.
Portland, Maine.

Speaker 1 And I have nothing against Portland, Maine, but Elvis, you know, should have and could have, I think, been playing more major venues. He never went to Europe because of that horrible manager.

Speaker 1 He had a horrible manager. Yeah, that was a sad story.
I always like, I think there's a certain empathy for Elvis. I always liked Elvis.
He seemed like, you know, he was a great guy. He had...

Speaker 1 African-American backup singers when that was not even, don't even mention it. Really? In the South.
Yes, he did. And he always gave credit.
He always gave credit to black artists, to Chuck Berry.

Speaker 1 That's true. You know, everybody else stole their songs and performed them, but Elvis always said where they came from.
Speaking of Beaten Up by the Mob story,

Speaker 1 do you know the one about Sammy Davis?

Speaker 1 How He Lost the Eye? Well, no, maybe that was the same thing. No, I thought it was a car accident, wasn't it?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, the part, the thing I'm referring to is is he was, he met a white girl. I think she was an actress.
I think she was kind of semi-famous. Yes, it was Brit something or Epric Eklund.
No.

Speaker 1 Not Epric Eklund. May Brit, something like that.
Something like that. Yeah.
Something like that. Okay.
A blonde white girl. Yeah.
And

Speaker 1 this is what I've heard. The mob

Speaker 1 told him. Like, either you're going to break this off

Speaker 1 tonight, you know, or we're going to kill you. Right.

Speaker 1 Why it was their business to enforce racism, I don't know, but I guess they took it seriously. And that night, he

Speaker 1 on stage proposed to one of his African-American backup singers

Speaker 1 to solidify his commitment to living.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You've heard you ever heard that? I work with him. Did you ever work with him? No, I saw him once, and it was awesome.
The greatest entertainer ever. I mean, he could act.
Oh, I saw him

Speaker 1 on a Twilight Zone where he played, you know, those half-hour ones? And he was the little guy and everybody made fun of him and telling so and so

Speaker 1 in the army, you know. So one of the guys said, hey,

Speaker 1 let's screw him, you know? So they had a fake hand grenade and they... threw it on the ground in front of him and he jumped on it.
Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 1 To save all. Oh, that's the.
Yeah, that was the start. I see.
But he played it so well. It was like, it was just gut-wrenched because these guys just trash him, dump water on his head.

Speaker 1 And it was just always messing with him. He had great empathy.

Speaker 1 Even when they thought they were just being funny, I mean, one of the things that Dean Martin used to do when they were on stage together, the rat pack, him and Frank and Dean, is that he would lift Sammy up, who, of course, was diminutive.

Speaker 1 Right, right. And say, thank you for this NAACP award.
Right, right. Which today would probably not not be the award.
Yeah, it would not be.

Speaker 1 The double of short. And he was the greatest guy.
If you work with Sammy and you said, it's a beautiful watch, oh, you technically give it to you.

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Speaker 2 Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

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Speaker 1 I mean, he was that kind of guy. He traveled.
When I worked with him, every place he went became his house.

Speaker 1 So he bought his barker lounger chair, his 119 photos, put them on the wall of every dressing room he worked in. Like when we would do Harris for a week, you'd go into his room.

Speaker 1 It was his den at home. You'd have all the pictures, him and Sammy, and all the guys.
It's insane. Yeah.
Well, that's what I mean about people in show business are insane. Well, it's an insane thing.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you have to understand, though,

Speaker 1 when he was with the Will Madison trio, he's always been a performer since he was a little kid. Yeah, a little kid.
So you lived on the road. You're like gypsies.
You know,

Speaker 1 that was your house. So you brought all your personal things with you.
So when he put all those pictures on the wall, he went home every night.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but now he's not a child and he's he's not on the road all the time. Well, he was.

Speaker 1 How old do you think he was when he died? 64. I know, isn't it unbelievable? When I was a kid, it was like, well that seems about right, you know, 60.
It's funny because I used to do a bit back

Speaker 1 when he died in the 90s about

Speaker 1 basically, you know, as I have often, defending libertarianism and doing drugs if you want to, not basing how we should make drug laws based on the people who fuck up with it. If that's your choice.

Speaker 1 And I said, Sammy Davis lived that kind of life, drank drugs, you know, and lived to 64. And I used to say, give me 64 Sammy years and 100 Ken star years or some Republican like that.

Speaker 1 And then I got to be 64. And I was like, well.

Speaker 1 Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Well, let me finish. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, but he was a wonderful human being. He's a great guy.
He just remembered him hugging Nixon. And then.
So what? I know, but at the time, time he was you've seen as a traitor.

Speaker 1 It's so funny you mentioned that because like today we live in this time when you're not allowed to have friends from the other side or cross lines politically.

Speaker 1 And I forgot that there's an example of that way back when, a guy who crossed lines politically. Ooh, the worst thing you could ever do, be friends with a Republican? Ah, call 911.

Speaker 1 This is what I fucking hate about the left. Like, you know, and they're not going to get me over to the Trump side, which they think they will sometimes.

Speaker 1 But just the idea that, you know, cut your family off for Thanksgiving if they voted for the wrong guy. Well, yeah.
Fuck off, you fucks. Well,

Speaker 1 I don't know why. And Sammy, but when he hugged Nixon, he was ostracized

Speaker 1 by the left a lot. That was an early harbinger of that.
Because you also had Black Panther and you had that whole movement.

Speaker 1 The Black Panther movement was very big on college campus and stuff at that time. 72, is this? Yeah, 71, 72, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But I remember what

Speaker 1 Sammy said at the time when they asked him about the Nixon thing, which was he went through like his economic achievements.

Speaker 1 The Nixon administration was not an unsuccessful administration before Watergate. and said, you know, you got to go with the man who has results.

Speaker 1 Now, I don't remember exactly what the economy was with Nixon. I was 13.

Speaker 1 But that attitude, that idea, I admire so much as opposed to the virtue signaling and the stuff that they do just to make themselves feel better about being allied. You know what?

Speaker 1 You want to be a good ally? Address the actual problems. Any racial problem in this country is not addressed by DEI and having programs like that.

Speaker 1 It's three things. And John McWhorter, the great African-American writer, names them.

Speaker 1 You know, better schools, don't graduate kids who don't know anything and have no skills more dads and the drug war those are the practical things and they and that that that's not what they care about talking about right right so Sammy Davis here's to you

Speaker 1 and but that story about the mob threatening to kill him you you don't know that one you don't think that's true I don't think it's true he

Speaker 1 Sammy told me it wasn't true oh you asked him about it well it just came up wow

Speaker 1 I didn't know you were that close to him. Yeah, I worked with him.
I own from him. He was great.
We were like, when he liked Tom Dreessen to Frank Sinanti. When he would do Mr.

Speaker 1 Bojangles, I mean, people would be in tears. Oh,

Speaker 1 when I saw him. And he could stand up and click his heels.

Speaker 1 He could kick his feet out to the side. And it was like a marionette.
It was like, what? Right. It was unbelievable.
So I saw him once. I was playing Reno.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which, as we know, what does the sign say? The smallest, largest city.

Speaker 1 The biggest little city in the world.

Speaker 1 Whatever it is. It's no offense to Reno.
I love Reno. Of course not.
But it is no.

Speaker 1 It's not just a smaller version of Vegas. It's not really a city, a big city.
You know, a great Reno story. Okay.

Speaker 1 I was playing Reno, so maybe it's like, let's go. We had no money, so we'll go down to Circus Circus.
and have the 99 cent dinner or whatever it was. Okay.

Speaker 1 I walk in. In the middle, they got a boxing ring set up.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I go, so next fight, Tim, oh, let's see what this is.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Little guy comes out. They call the midgets then.
Now we're called little person.

Speaker 1 And they got a kangaroo.

Speaker 1 Yeah, come on. No, listen to this.
And the kangaroo is like, come on. They got the kangaroo on a choke chain.
They're fighting? Yeah. Well, no, the kangaroo's got boxing gloves on.
Right.

Speaker 1 And the midget's like, come on here, come on, I'm not scared of you. Come on there.

Speaker 1 And they got the kangaroo on a choke chain, right? And they're leading him out. He's like,

Speaker 1 the the guy's gone. Kangaroo's bam! It's just a boom.

Speaker 1 The guy goes down, boom. And then the trainers are out.
They give him a little something to eat.

Speaker 1 They squirt water

Speaker 1 on.

Speaker 1 They pet his fur down, you know. And the little guy gets up, ah, it didn't hurt me.
And he's got a big welt in his face.

Speaker 1 Come on, come on.

Speaker 1 Okay, they lead him a little more. Dannin.

Speaker 1 And they just, and this, you know, this is the kangaroo's life.

Speaker 1 He doesn't know this is a game.

Speaker 1 Jay, that was what the sixth card was for.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, kangaroos,

Speaker 1 and boom, hits him again.

Speaker 1 And now he's out. He's just out cold.
Hey, and they lift the paw up of the kangaroo, and they get the guy lies in. And here's the worst part.
Here's the worst. They put the kangaroo back on his chair.

Speaker 1 They're all hosing him down and petting him. The midget's lying on the ground.
And the guy puts the thing up. Next fight, 45 minutes, the guy, the guy had to do it again.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking, oh my God, this is the horrible. This is show business.

Speaker 1 This is the most horrible show business thing i've ever seen in my life and and this guy is like and and his face you know the way my my face looked when i fell on the hill it looked like that his face it was like leather because so a kangaroo can just throw a punch like that like a

Speaker 1 oh jesus yeah you ever seen kangaroo no i never saw an animal throw a punch i mean animals kangaroo kangaroos box yeah boxy kangaroos of course yeah but i is there i mean if you get if you get with a bear he's gonna kill you but he's not gonna punch you

Speaker 1 Kangaroo won't punch you.

Speaker 1 The kangaroo will punch you.

Speaker 1 I see. Tell that to the midget.

Speaker 1 He didn't really hit you in the face.

Speaker 1 But this guy, I mean, I think that was like the worst show business job I'd ever seen. I think you should write a memoir and call it Tell That to the Midget.

Speaker 1 The Jay Leno story. It's horrible.
Horrible. Because you have the best show business stories.
You really do. It's so stupid.

Speaker 1 How many shows do you think you've done?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I mean, I used to do 250 a year, and I do about 175, maybe 200, something like that.
You know, I just did my last one. Why?

Speaker 1 Two days ago? Why?

Speaker 1 Because I'm not Iron J.

Speaker 1 Don't you enjoy that? You don't. I do enjoy being on stage.
I don't enjoy a hundred other things about it that don't really get better.

Speaker 1 I don't want to start on how people in hotels don't do anything good. I mean, I get mad when the TV doesn't work.
You fall down the hill.

Speaker 1 But, you know, you chose, but I'm staying at the best hotel and they can't get it right. Right.

Speaker 1 I would expect. Yes, but see, nothing funny happens at the best hotel.
When you stay at the bad hotels, funny things. You know what? I played Cincinnati once and I studied the Hotel Cincinnati,

Speaker 1 which is a whole, it was a men's hotel.

Speaker 1 What year is this? This is 1971, 72.

Speaker 7 A men's hotel. It was a men's.

Speaker 1 I don't know what that means. Men only.
A men only. Why?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 it was a men's hotel. They used to have male and female.
What was different about it? There were just urinals. Well, I'll tell you what's different.

Speaker 1 I'm in my room and I hear a noise on the door. What's that?

Speaker 1 And I see water.

Speaker 1 And I open the door and go, and there's a guy peeing on my door.

Speaker 1 And I go, What are you doing? What are you doing? He don't stop that. And he goes, I always pee on this door.

Speaker 1 And I looked at the door and the paint was all crumbs apparently he did always pee on that door and i went oh well you know not tonight i'm here tonight all the side

Speaker 1 but you know men's hotel there would be like guys how did he get near your door guys in the light he's in the hall it's on the first floor you're no it's on the second or third floor this is so he went up two floors to pee no he he stayed in one of the rooms why didn't he pee in the room because there's no there was no bathroom in his room that's why it's a men's hotel because there was a communal bathroom it would be a communal bathroom yeah Geez, why couldn't you stay there instead of the Hampton?

Speaker 1 Maybe you'd be okay now. It was two bucks a night.
Two bucks a night? Yeah, yeah. 1971.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 I just had never heard of

Speaker 1 anything.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 my Reno thing with Sammy, let me just tell you because it was the 80s and I was playing there. playing there.
Yeah, I was opening for somebody, somebody like Melissa Manchester.

Speaker 1 Because again, to finish with the Reno thing, lovely city, but smaller. So like big, you could see the big stars.
They all played there. And you could see them in a room with 400 people.

Speaker 1 I mean, small rooms, like almost like a comedy club, very intimate. I saw

Speaker 1 Dr. Cosby there.

Speaker 1 Oh, Bill Cosby, yeah. Yeah.
Never was a fan of that comedy, but okay, he was there. And I saw Sammy.

Speaker 1 Sammy, it was, first of all, he's sitting in the stool. a cloud of smoke, you know, the cigarette going.

Speaker 1 And he tells the audience, you know, don't be stupid like me, as he's looking like the coolest guy in the world. Right, right.
I never wanted to smoke cigarette so much, then it really does work.

Speaker 1 Um, and then I remember he sang Bojangles, but but not at the end, right? And he tells the audience, Don't think this is the end.

Speaker 1 You know, I know you think Bojangles is my big ending song, but I'm just doing it now because I want to change up the show, whatever.

Speaker 1 And he sang it, and of course, it did bring down the house, but everything he did, yeah,

Speaker 1 I mean, so, okay, I'm playing Reno in 1984. Right.

Speaker 1 I cannot compete with your stories, but this is my best Reno story. In 1984, I'm 28, and I have this sport jacket made of leather.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Leather.
I bought it in the mall. I think I was shopping at the mall with Jerry Seinfeld.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 So I blame him partly for this, first, you know, even suggesting I get this. But so it's, yeah, it's a sport joke.
You know, it's not like a leather, which, but like a sport coat made of leather.

Speaker 1 So it's, and the the opening comic the one before me was a woman and she did like she ended with like 10 minutes about

Speaker 1 what assholes macho guys are right right and then i come out and the audience just starts laughing at my and i didn't understand and i'm like i said to the people what are you laughing at and and they told me that you know it's like she was just making fun of macho assholes and you go out wearing a leather sport coat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I remember playing. I was opening for Tom Jones Jones at Caesars, my first time at Caesars.

Speaker 1 I come off stage and I walk out in the front and this girl comes up and goes, great show. I said, oh, thanks, thanks.
Yeah, how are you? Good.

Speaker 1 She goes, what are you doing? I'm just going to get something to eat. Oh, okay.
I'll join you.

Speaker 1 This is before you were married. Yeah, before I was married, yeah.
Okay. I was just sitting there.
We're talking and she goes, you don't have all night. I said, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Well, she was a hooker. I didn't know she was a hooker.
She said great show to everybody. I thought she saw me on stage.
Oh. So I went, oh,

Speaker 1 she likes me. What show was she referring to? No, she

Speaker 1 just saw me step out. She wasn't on stage.
No, she knows on stage. But why would you say great show to somebody? Because I just stepped out of the showroom.
Oh, and she went, great show.

Speaker 1 Oh, I said, oh, thank you.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking, oh, this girl saw the show. This is, you know.
That reminds me of David Brenner's great bit. Remember when he said the first time he did the tonight show and he gets on the subway.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. You're funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. And the guy in the subway goes, you're funny.
Oh, yeah. And Brenner's like, oh, this is awesome.
I'm in showbiz. People are seeing me on the tonight show.

Speaker 1 And then the guy comes on, sits next to Brenner, and the guy goes, You're funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was funny. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was great.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jay.

Speaker 1 Where do the years go? I know. There you go.
I mean, we

Speaker 1 no, I'm very comfortable with this decision, honestly. All year long, as I knew, and, you know, I didn't book anything in 2025, and I didn't make some announcement because I might go back to it.

Speaker 1 You're right. I don't know.

Speaker 1 But I have to see whether it's just an addiction or whether I really love it, whether it's worth it. And I don't care.

Speaker 1 See, to me, to come up with a new joke. Like the other day.
I know. I came up with a new joke.
I said,

Speaker 1 I'll try my new joke on you. I know, but and I want you to, but that's is that's the sore point.

Speaker 1 You just hit the bone on this one. Why? Well, because I know I'm going to come up with bits.
And then it's like,

Speaker 1 you know, it's like when you're horny and you can't come, it's just going to back up in you. I mean, what am I going to do with the bits? You know, that would be perfect for my next act.

Speaker 1 I mean, I cut a half hour out of this act to make it fit for 60 minutes, but it's still good stuff that I could start a new act with, as I always did. Yeah, but for me, that's half the fun.

Speaker 1 I just keep adding on to it. I know.
It's like building a wall. You got a break a brick at a time.
But you know what?

Speaker 1 I just don't want to drag my ass out of bed. I'm not like you.
I'm not Iron Jay. I'm not up in the morning anyway.
You're up anyway. You only sleep at four hours, right? Yeah,

Speaker 1 I am. I mean, that's very rare in humans.
Well,

Speaker 1 actually, I've been up since four, actually. I went to bed last night.

Speaker 1 I went to bed last night at midnight. I usually go to bed at two or three.
I don't go to bed at midnight. And then I was up at four.
I was just dragging my ass around reading and doing stuff.

Speaker 1 But you don't feel shitty? No. And you don't drink coffee?

Speaker 1 No. No hot liquids.

Speaker 1 What are you, Mormon? What do you like? No hot liquids. I don't like hot liquids.
I don't like all that. Okay.
You don't drink, you don't drink coffee. Soup is just a way to screw you out of a meal.

Speaker 1 That's my attitude. Well,

Speaker 1 okay. Well,

Speaker 1 I don't know why we had to.

Speaker 1 Shit on soup. I mean, soup's good.
I'm not a big soup guy. I'm not a big soup guy, but, you know, I don't, don't blank at least hate all soup.
I don't. It's just a way to screw you out of a meal.

Speaker 1 Oh, I could have had something to eat. Oh, you give me a dish that's wet.
Okay, thanks.

Speaker 1 You know, well, I think that will serve you well as you as you go forward in life because a lot of the times what they make fun of older people for is liking soup. That's right.

Speaker 1 And, you know, if you're the guy who's still, you're still eating soup. That's the old joke, you know, a Jewish joke.

Speaker 1 Guys walking down the street, hooker goes, hey, old man, how'd you like some soup or sex? He goes, soup. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That worked, that joke worked better back when people used to say the word super. Yeah, in number.

Speaker 1 Now, kids are like, what is it? I don't get it. Yeah.
Because super around, where was it, the 70s, the 80s? I think David Frost was the first one who said it. It was a British thing.
Oh, that's super.

Speaker 1 That's just super. And then, of course, it was Glenn Super, the combat.
Remember him? Oh, I do remember the name. Yeah, Glenn Super.
That was it. Yeah.
Well, there you go.

Speaker 1 so where are where are you off to next jay in in your 170 days on the road i don't know i'll get pick up the envelope monday and see where i'm going what

Speaker 1 yeah you still do it that way yeah you know so i i i i i oh my god i i opened the envelope oh i'm going to wilmington oh this is great so i got on the plane you know i did private planes i fly and land in wilmington Camera crew age

Speaker 1 yeah great you know last time I was here I played a little club downtown what club was that you know it's off on Main Street

Speaker 1 oh wait. Oh, yeah, you don't know it.
Yeah. So I talked a little bit.

Speaker 1 They don't seem to know it.

Speaker 1 And the guy picks me up, and

Speaker 1 he's got a bit of an accent.

Speaker 1 Then we get to where we're going.

Speaker 1 Everybody else has an accent. And I realize,

Speaker 1 oh, I'm in Wilmington, North Carolina. I thought I was in Wilmington, Delaware.
But when I got off the plane, I was talking about Wilmington, Delaware.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I said, oh, so I got to pay more attention.

Speaker 1 Jay, you're ridiculous. It's just, it's just you're just ridiculous i mean why i mean i mean

Speaker 1 but see i'm happy you're not happy i'm very happy oh yeah okay yeah i've been happy doing a stand-up all the time yeah and now that it and now that the

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 balance has shifted i think just even if it's 50 but see the thing is once you quit you can't go back yes you can what are you talking about i've done it for over 40 years yeah but you never really quit you did the show you did monologues no never quit stand-up but i'm saying like, you don't think after over 40 years of doing it, if I took a year off, I'd forget how to do it?

Speaker 1 Not a year, but a couple of years. I mean, I've seen people.
Oh, it would just take a while to, yeah, it's like spring training.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but yeah, but people, we live in an era now where people show up and they tape every single day. Oh, I saw him, he was terrible.
You know, I was,

Speaker 1 I was, I mentioned I said it's doing some new material, and guys said, Oh, no, I heard you do this new material two weeks ago. Well, yeah, it's it's it's still new material.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I heard you do it two weeks ago. Yeah.
Let me write a new act just for you, sir. Yeah, that's it.
And that's what people think.

Speaker 1 That's what people think. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So you were with this hooker.

Speaker 1 No, I wasn't with her.

Speaker 1 You just said

Speaker 1 that. You went to dinner with a hooker.
No, I didn't know she was a hooker. No, that's what you said.
You said you're wasting my time, you know. I said, well, you know, are you going to pay me or not?

Speaker 1 I go, for what? Wow. I went, oh, I just thought I met a nice girl who said a great show.
I mean, you know, the same thing happened to me. I mean, I think we all, when we're that age, we're naive.

Speaker 1 And yeah, I just,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's hysterical that they

Speaker 1 actually, you actually, but yeah, she probably

Speaker 1 at some point.

Speaker 1 Here's how long ago it was. I played Caesars when it was the only hotel that far out.
There was nothing else around it. I remember that.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So I figured one day I said, I'm going to go for a walk. So I leave the hotel.
I walk about a half a mile and I see

Speaker 1 bellmen in golf carts coming at me at a high rate of speed. They go, get in, get in.
I go, why? Get in, get in. There's a flash flood coming.
I go, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 And then two minutes later,

Speaker 1 little golf carts engulfed in water. Just hilarious.
I said, where did it come? It's flat.

Speaker 1 Where did all this water come from? I don't know where it came from, but it was a flash flood. Where does it come from? I don't know.
It came from the hills somewhere.

Speaker 1 So you never thought about gathering all these stories and putting out a

Speaker 1 too much trouble. That's too much trouble to write.
I would rather just tell them and have fun with it.

Speaker 1 I read that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I put out a book this year, and it was. The book was great.
It's terrific. Oh, thank you.
It was really good.

Speaker 1 I enjoy those because each one is different, has a unique point of view. No, those are terrific books.

Speaker 1 I really liked it.

Speaker 1 But it took so much i could have never done it without the strike that put us out of work for six months yeah um it was very forceful that's what i did you know i had my game show and i figured you know i'm a union guy

Speaker 1 you know everybody else i'm gonna do a union show this way keep everybody happy okay strike no so every every other game show stayed on mine got taken off and then i lost it because yeah

Speaker 1 because it's in the union.

Speaker 1 There you go.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was talking to somebody the other day about Broadway and like, I couldn't believe that what he was saying was literal, but it is literal. Like

Speaker 1 if you have a piece of lint

Speaker 1 on your suit,

Speaker 1 you can't pick it off. Like a union person has from wardrobe, has to be from the right department.
When I did the tonight show and we took it to New York City, we had

Speaker 1 some editing stuff in the room.

Speaker 1 And so, you know, we'd shoot a jaywalking thing on the street or whatever. Or let's just do a rough edit so we see what we like.
No, we had to have a guy come in.

Speaker 1 Big guy comes in with, you know, some big giant fingers, press stop. Bagel, I'll play it again.
You just saw it. No, just play again.
We just saw it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, I'm arguing with this guy.
I said, no, just, we want to see it again. And he had to press stop, stop.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, that kind of stuff, stuff that goes so beyond the realm of what anyone, I think the normal person would call common sense, to me, that has been the downfall of the Democrats.

Speaker 1 Because I don't know if a Democrat is specifically responsible for the person who can't pick Lint off your suit,

Speaker 1 but it's in the mind of people, and for not wrong reasons, they associate that with left-wing things.

Speaker 1 And they associate Republicans with more like freedom and, you know, libertarianism, getting the government off your back kind of stuff that was Reagan's big thing

Speaker 1 did you ever meet Reagan no

Speaker 1 the 80s why how could I meet Reagan in the 80s well I had dinner with him he was a funny guy he was a funny guy he was you know we're sitting talking yeah I bet he was he says Jay Jay were you a good student

Speaker 1 I said no Mr. President I was a terrible student I'm I was just like so Jay I wasn't a good student either and every day I kick myself thinking how much further I could have gone if I just applied.

Speaker 1 And I thought that was the greatest. That is great.
That's a great.

Speaker 1 It's a great humble bread. You were like an Indian motorcycle.
Is that right, Jay?

Speaker 1 I had an Indian motorcycle. Bye, Carly.
That thing was fast. You know, yeah, he was a fun guy.
And where was this? At some state dinner? At the White House. Well, he just invited you over.

Speaker 1 No, I did one of the. Oh, the correspondence dinner.

Speaker 1 Here's a backstage. I am waiting to go on.
This general comes in, you know.

Speaker 7 General?

Speaker 1 Well, some military guy. He's got a to go like, oh, hey, you look comic.
Come here. You know who that is? That's my commander-in-chief.
You don't make fun of him. You don't degrade him.
You don't.

Speaker 1 He's poking me like this. I go, well, I'm a comedian.
No, you're not here.

Speaker 1 He's just yelling at me, you know. I'm thinking, well, I'm

Speaker 1 okay. All right.
I'm thinking, I was thinking, oh, geez, I got to change my hack. What am I going to do?

Speaker 1 So then

Speaker 1 he leaves. And then

Speaker 1 what was his chief of staff? What was his name? Jim Baker. No, no, not Jim Baker.
Yes, he was.

Speaker 1 James Baker.

Speaker 1 The second term, the other guy.

Speaker 1 Just for Weinberger? No.

Speaker 1 Regan. Donald Regan.
The guy with

Speaker 1 Toupe. Donald Regan.

Speaker 1 And Nancy had him fired. No, no, it wasn't any.

Speaker 1 Well, it was Jim Beach. No,

Speaker 1 he was somebody

Speaker 1 who had a bad toupee, who was

Speaker 1 in the administration, and he comes, he's like, hey, he goes, come here, we need to go out there, nail Ronnie's ass to the wall.

Speaker 1 And I go, and I said, well, you know something? This general just, screw in. You don't know what he's talking about.
You make fun of that thing. You guys get his hair color.

Speaker 1 You think his hair is really black? The man's 74 years old. You know, I go, well, just nail him to the wall.
I'm thinking, oh, geez.

Speaker 1 I honestly didn't know what to do.

Speaker 1 What did you do?

Speaker 1 My opening joke was, I said, I want to congratulate Nancy Reagan. I'm being named humanitarian of the year.

Speaker 1 I'm glad she beat out that conniving little bitch, Mother Mother Teresa. I remember you said that joke.
Yeah, yeah. Wow.
And boy, and Reagan fell off the chair. He thought that was so funny.

Speaker 1 That is funny. And he was like, oh, okay.
And I said, oh, it was okay.

Speaker 1 It's funny, and it's not a slam on her. No, no.
So they can laugh at it. Yeah, yeah.
But that is the worst, the single worst crowd in the world.

Speaker 1 I did it one year because, of course, they can't be seen laughing at the wrong thing. And everything that would be any meaningful joke would have something that would get people upset.

Speaker 1 I did it one year, and I screwed up one line and I was fumfering for it and I finally just under my breath kind of went, oh, fuck it.

Speaker 1 And the next year, People Magazine wrote about whoever was doing it that year and said, Last year,

Speaker 1 Bill Maher delivered an obscenity-laced monologue.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
One little fucking. Yeah.
But in the 90s, that was, I guess, pretty. Yeah, it was a total.

Speaker 1 It was like, I remember when I hosted Saturday Night Live, you'd be in the writer's room and Rooney was with me. So we'd be writing jumps.

Speaker 1 And we noticed the writers wouldn't laugh.

Speaker 1 But some writers would. And I said, yeah, they only laugh at their own jokes.
Because it was so competitive. It was so competitive.
You know, when you got picked up for like 13 weeks at a time.

Speaker 1 And if you don't score, you don't come back. And now it was a horrible place.
You still have writers? Not anymore, no. You don't use anybody.
Well, I don't need to now. I know.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, no, and you, I mean,

Speaker 1 I've told this to a thousand people during the strike of 2007, which was different than this one. Right.

Speaker 1 They weren't that opposed to us going on,

Speaker 1 which we both did, but we just couldn't use writers. Right.

Speaker 1 And you wrote your own monologue without any writers, and it didn't look different than when you had a gang of writers. Well, I always say nobody else could do that, but Jay Leno.
Well, I know that.

Speaker 1 That is the, Jay, why are you always

Speaker 1 so compliment resistant well it's it's

Speaker 1 i mean you know i i don't i try not to believe the good stuff or the bad stuff that's how you get through show that's the good stuff you know because when you host a tonight show it's like people just and everybody's mad about something every day you know i mean i'll tell you one of my favorite tonight show stories i love charlie sheen i don't want to be charlie sheen

Speaker 1 but i love charlie sheen right so one day charlie sheen's well you don't want to be him now in the 80s what okay we're probably went out of fun.

Speaker 1 I say, gee, it's almost four o'clock. Charlie Sheen's not here.
Ring. Jay, it's Charlie Sheen on the phone.

Speaker 1 Charlie goes, Jay, man, I'm sorry, man.

Speaker 1 Limbo got T-boned.

Speaker 1 You're all right. He goes, yeah, okay, I'm okay.
I'm okay. Is Joe okay?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, you're just like,

Speaker 1 I said, look, man, just take it easy. Needle has not had the gospel.
Just shaking up a little bit. It caught fire.
They put it out.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking, all right, look, man, just take it. Look, we'll get somebody to fill.
We'll get a comic. We'll get a comic to fill in.
Don't worry about it. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I said, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, wait, this happened multiple times because he was always so loaded? No, no, this happened. This happened one day.
Okay. So I said, Debbie, Charlie had an accident.
Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Something, check in, call the, you know, whatever the thing. You see, we can't find about Charlie's accent.

Speaker 1 So I said, you know, you got Joe's number, the limo driver. Yellow, Joe, Jay Leno.
Joe, where are you at? at? I'm sitting out in front of Charlie's house. He hasn't come out yet.
What?

Speaker 1 So I call him and goes, what are you, nine years old? Like there's a monster under the bed? You really,

Speaker 1 the limo gets T-boned on the 101 freeway. It catches fire.
You're not injured. You don't think that's a story? And

Speaker 1 hilarious. And what did he say?

Speaker 1 He apologized. And I had him on the show.
And he said.

Speaker 1 He said the greatest thing. He said, you know, I just like hookers and cocaine.
And I went, thank you for the most honest answer ever, ladies.

Speaker 1 There's nothing wrong with that, but um, you know, he has done some things,

Speaker 1 and I'm amazed at how he is able to skate. And I'm not knocking him, I had a dinner with him once he couldn't be more charming.

Speaker 1 Um, I hope I wish him well, but he has gotten away with things that are so much worse than other people have gotten cancelled for. Oh, yeah, and it's just because he's at a different time, too.

Speaker 1 No, no, the the The women saying he gave me AIDS knowingly. I mean, I can't think of a more cancelable thing than that.
That wasn't that long ago, but it just shows it's not really what you do.

Speaker 1 It's how much they like you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They just fucking like him. He had a Super Bowl commercial two years ago.
Couldn't Louis C.K. get a Super Bowl commercial? Yeah.
No. And Louis C.K.
didn't do anything.

Speaker 1 I mean, this guy like hit hookers, hit hookers with other hookers, locks him in the closet, held a knife to one of his wife's throats,

Speaker 1 is on tape calling his second wife the N-word, and she's not black.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 that's pretty,

Speaker 1 and yet nothing because we like him. And by the way, everybody should be treated that way because he's not a bad guy.
No, no, no. At all.
No, I don't. And we all make mistakes.

Speaker 1 And he was just who I was. That's what I like about Showbiz is I could.
be around Charlie without being Charlie.

Speaker 1 And that host I chose great because I could be in and amongst all of this and observe it as an observer and really enjoy it as opposed to being in it. You know, I never went to any of P.

Speaker 1 Diddy's parties, you know, but it was funny to stand on the outside. That's not what I've heard.
Yeah, yeah, that's me. Yeah, that's me.

Speaker 1 Well, what do you think is going to happen with that?

Speaker 1 I think he's probably going to prison for the rest of the rest of his life. Right.
You know, they cut your break and then you jump the shark.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Now you got this thing with a 13-year-old girl. And boy, that's, yeah, that's not good.
No. That's not good.

Speaker 1 I've been saying forever that the Me Too movement, which of course was a necessary and should be in anyone's mind, welcome corrective,

Speaker 1 skipped over the one part of society where it was absolutely the worst. I mean, they got the people like in

Speaker 1 news and they got the Harvey Weinsteins. You know, they got people, they went after like NPR.

Speaker 1 They got like eight people like conductors who were in the 70s who like said the wrong thing. They went after that artist.
What's his name? I forget. He's a famous artist, but he was in a wheelchair.

Speaker 1 And, you know, he was going to wheel after her. And I mean, you know, he couldn't,

Speaker 1 his dick didn't work. He didn't rape anybody.

Speaker 7 He, whatever he did, and he went away.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 I mean, they just went. But the music industry, where it is worse than anything, and has.
Well, you know what's interesting?

Speaker 1 I watched that Leonard Bernstein movie.

Speaker 1 Me too. Maestro.
Maestro. I thought he did a great job.
Bradley Cooper did an amazing job.

Speaker 1 But here's my thing. Yes.
I'm watching this movie. Okay, that's great.
And I like it in Leonard Bernstein. So he winds up having sex with his student, but he really loved.

Speaker 1 Gay sex, for people who don't know. Right, gay sex.
But it was okay because

Speaker 1 he loved the kids and i go really well how did how does he get away with that how do you pull that off i thought i was at wait a minute i mean shouldn't he be accountable for

Speaker 1 oh i i go what did i miss here you know

Speaker 1 no i mean the the difference in standards of what was seen as um you know, acceptable or even heroic.

Speaker 1 You know, I mean, James Bond in the 1969 version, he punches Diana Rigg in the face heroically because she wants to come with him on the mission, but it's too dangerous and she won't listen to reason.

Speaker 1 So he

Speaker 1 knocks her out. As if there are no medical repercussions to actually inducing a state of unconsciousness.
I mean, she went into the blue tent. Do you know him at all, Sean Connor?

Speaker 1 Do you ever meet him? You are so ridiculous.

Speaker 1 Yeah, me and Sean. No, I don't know.
Well, I'll tell you something. Oh, I mean, I've got a ton of people.
People don't know. He was Mr.
Universe, third runner-up, 1953. Mr.
Universe?

Speaker 1 Yeah, third runner-up. He's a bodybuilder? He was in 1953.
Sean Conner? Sean Conner, Mr. Universe, third runner-up.
It must have been different in those days. He wasn't like super overdumped.

Speaker 1 No, they didn't do in those days. In those days, you were just

Speaker 1 good looking. A beefy-looking guy, you know.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 he was a longshoreman, and he was a tough guy. Yeah, tough guy.
And he was doing extras, extra work. And he was in a movie with Lana Turner.
Lana Turner. And he was flirting with Lana Turner.

Speaker 1 And Lana Turner was going out with Johnny Stampanado. Did you ever hear that name? Back to the mafia.
Yeah, Johnny Stampanado. Okay.
What family was he? So Johnny Stampanadado, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Johnny Stampanado hears about this guy flirting with his girlfriend. So he goes down to the studio.
He puts a gun to Sean Connery's head.

Speaker 1 And Sean Connery takes a gun, empties a bullet out, smashes him in the head, and goes, you don't bring a gun to my workplace. Just throws him.
Just like in just like anything touchables. Oh, yeah.
He

Speaker 1 had a lot of fun. He was, when I would have him on the tonight show, he'd go, Gee, gee, what's the latest filthy joke going about, gee? And when I'd tell him, he'd laugh like a pirate.

Speaker 1 He'd laugh like that. To points when the newsroom went, hey, shut up down there.
You tell Sean Connie to shut up.

Speaker 1 You know, he was the only star ever took a shower in those, you know, the little showers they had. Yeah.
Nobody. He was the only one.
Oh, Scotland and

Speaker 1 screaming and yelling oh apropos about who they cancel and don't just because they like them he on a barbara walters i think it was interview said outright sometimes a woman needs a good slap right right you gotta you gotta slap them

Speaker 1 And it was like, oh, Sean, you can slap me. You know, if it was,

Speaker 1 it was

Speaker 1 Wallace Sean who said this. It would not have been funny.
It would not have been funny. But

Speaker 1 he was the most dangerous James Bottle. He was really a touch.
I never got Roger Moore as the Pilbury name. Roger Moore was a lovely man.
He

Speaker 1 once bought me dinner with about eight people just because I was with a party, I guess, that knew him. But I remember he picked up the check and I'd never met him.
And he was charming as fuck.

Speaker 1 But yeah,

Speaker 1 he should have the best James Bond.

Speaker 1 But it wasn't all his fault. It was the era

Speaker 1 that he did it in.

Speaker 1 And, you know, just like, you it's funny we were looking at the uh tribute i wrote to johnny carson in 2012 right for newsweek i don't know if you remember this right and i said look it up today because jay's coming over and you know it was a nice tribute to johnny but i did say at the end of it uh jay lennon was the right guy for now

Speaker 1 you know johnny would not if jay went up against johnny now

Speaker 1 Jay would win.

Speaker 1 And if it was 1965, Johnny would win. He was right for his era.
and Jay is right for this era. Right, right.
And like Sean Connery was right for his era. It was dangerous.
It was the 60s.

Speaker 1 And Roger Moore was the 70s when things were lame. And they wanted a lame James Bond.
You take a thug and you put him on a Saval Rose suit so he gives off that danger. You know, I had Roger Moore.

Speaker 1 Which was recaptured by Daniel Craig. Yeah, Daniel Craig did a great job.
The sense of danger. He did a great job.

Speaker 1 Like this guy, and I had dinner with him and a few people one night, and you did get that sense of danger that, you know, you might say something that amused him, but if you didn't, he might punch you in the face.

Speaker 1 Right, right, right. I had Roger Moore on the Tonight Hill.
I said, where do you go on vacation? He goes, I'd like to go to India.

Speaker 1 India? Yeah. How often do you go there? Oh, every weekend.

Speaker 1 I say, you go to India every weekend. Yes, yes, of course.

Speaker 1 I look at Debbie and Debbie's like,

Speaker 1 oh, isn't that brother involved? Oh, good heavens, no, no, not solving.

Speaker 1 Well, it's quite a long flight. Oh, no, we drive.
I say, you drive to India. Okay, you came.
From where? Where were you? I know. Los Angeles.

Speaker 1 And then, well, no, what he was, what he was, thought he was saying was Indio, California.

Speaker 1 But, you know, we're sitting there going, what? You know what? That's hyperical. This edit, you know.
I'll tell you one of the great edits of all time. We had Bob, Bob Hope was almost 100.

Speaker 1 I had him on the show.

Speaker 1 And he didn't like to wear his glasses or his hearing aids. He goes, Jay, tell you what, you ask me the 10 questions, I got 10 jokes.
You just say the question, I got the jokes memorized.

Speaker 1 We do it, we go down the line. Okay, great.
Bob, how you doing?

Speaker 1 Big laugh.

Speaker 1 Hey, Bob, how's that?

Speaker 1 Big laugh.

Speaker 1 So I'm gonna throw it and I go,

Speaker 1 I go, it was funny.

Speaker 1 Okay, now I'm now one joke ahead, you know, and it's

Speaker 1 I said, no, no, let me ask you, banana!

Speaker 1 I said, okay, banana!

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 we had to edit. It was like a nightmare.
If you want to see something fun,

Speaker 1 when you watch some of the Bob Hope shows,

Speaker 1 one day I'm in the hall, I see guys carrying what I think is a plate glass window. It's a giant cue card.
This has the word hello on it.

Speaker 1 Because Bob wouldn't wear his glasses.

Speaker 1 No, he wouldn't wouldn't wear his glasses. So wait, but when you watch, when you couldn't remember hello.

Speaker 1 No, that was the only, it's just, did they flip him? He couldn't have lived that. Apparently not.
Johnny didn't think he could. But here's the funny part.
They would drop the cue cards.

Speaker 1 They would drop the cue cards like this. The joke,

Speaker 1 and his hair would go.

Speaker 1 So when you watch the monologue, after every joke, you see his hair go like this.

Speaker 1 It must have been a wig at that point. Yeah, well,

Speaker 1 the hair would just go up from the cue card dropping down. No, Johnny did not like it.

Speaker 1 I can't get past. He can't remember.
Hello. No, come on, man.
That was how the cue card. Just a big hello.
I like the old school pleasures. The old school, the old school.

Speaker 1 The men were men and the women were glad of it. Wooden ships, iron men.
That's Bill Maher, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 1 Exactly.

Speaker 1 Yes, I like the old school.

Speaker 1 What's that? Me coughing? Because I'm smoking.

Speaker 1 Jay, step up to the cool, refreshing flavor of

Speaker 1 camel. That's right.
There's nothing wrong with a good camel, unfiltered. That's my favorite thing.
I love watching Mad Men. What's this cancer nonsense that the cigarette company?

Speaker 1 You watch Mad Men? I love Mad Men. Such a great show.
Isn't that the great show? I watched it twice. It was the greatest.
I thought it was the best show. Yeah, I should do.
I should watch it again.

Speaker 1 It's been a long enough time. Oh, it's good.
It's really good. Oh, it's so good.
I mean, the writing, the acting. I mean, John is perfect in the league.
And just how much things cost.

Speaker 1 You know, secretaries make $45 a week, you know. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But also the value system. I mean,

Speaker 1 I love the storyline. Well, he was always cheating, of course, the wife.

Speaker 1 And one storyline was with the Jewess.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right, right. The Jewish woman who was the scion of the department store, because in that era, and of course, this is all accurate.
I mean, Jews had their own department store. Right.

Speaker 1 I mean, these people who today who think, you know, that racism is worse than ever, it's just another one of those silly things that people say. They go, you know what?

Speaker 1 People were actually alive for this.

Speaker 1 That's not to say that there isn't work to be done. There always will be work to be done.
But

Speaker 1 when my parents got married, a Jew and a Catholic in 1951, that was way more controversial than an interracial marriage. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I always say what used to be, what is now against the law used to be the law.

Speaker 1 That's the difference.

Speaker 1 Well, actually. An Asian could not marry a white person in the 90s.

Speaker 1 Missing Nation. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, 1967 was

Speaker 1 the loving case in the Supreme Court. And before then, it was not even legal.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I mean,

Speaker 1 it's a shame that the progressives don't seem to want to sell progress because it is, after all, the product that they're supporting. And shouldn't you support?

Speaker 1 Mark Twain said, I like progress. It's change I don't like.

Speaker 1 And it's a great quote. And did you know him? Did you have dinner with him? Didn't know, didn't you? Did Zelensky come by? Didn't know Mark.
Didn't know Mark. No.
No.

Speaker 1 Sadly, never had a chance. Not even in high school.
Not even in high school. No, no.
This is a very sad time.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 Jay, what's your next accident coming up? I don't know.

Speaker 1 You know, it's great for tickets. People love when rich people get set on fire or have accidents.
I mean, they love it. I mean, it's great.
People think it's fantastic. It sells tickets.

Speaker 1 So you say you do 170 dates now. Yeah, but you used to do 250.
Yeah. But you must see that there's a pattern there that you are doing less, that you are, that is a scaling of bad.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm doing a little bit less now because i'm taking care of my wife right stuff like that so but i try i come home every night and i try to fly you never stayed over places you would do the gig and come home i would go to italy on friday do the show saturday and be home again sunday italy yeah for the pope you know enough of the pope i'm a cat what was he like jay i don't know the pope oh i don't believe that you had a night come on do you know the pope you know the the pope was a bouncer when he was 22 years old of course you know no he was he was he He was a bouncer.

Speaker 1 Which Pope? The Pope now? Pope Francis? Pope Francis. He's a big guy in Argentina.
He's the Argentinian. Of course.
He was a bouncer. Francis Bergotti.

Speaker 1 But he quit the job because he wasn't mean enough. It was then later given to a woman who became a nun.
And

Speaker 1 she got the job. Is that right?

Speaker 1 How do you know that? That's a joke.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 none became a bouncer, you see.

Speaker 1 No, but he was a bouncer. He was a bouncer.
I don't get that joke.

Speaker 1 Okay, let me explain the joke. Yeah, Jukes, explain that to me.
Hey, Pope Francis quit being a bouncer because he wasn't mean enough. Yeah.
So a nun being mean enough.

Speaker 1 The job was then given to a woman who later became a nun. Yeah, see, as she sees, she wouldn't.
I would just say it was given to a nun.

Speaker 1 There it is. Nuns were mean.
I had nuns.

Speaker 1 I went to Catechism.

Speaker 1 I never did any of that.

Speaker 1 You didn't? I'm not Catholic. No.

Speaker 1 Leno? No, I'm not Catholic. My mother's from Scotland.
My mother wouldn't,

Speaker 1 my mother would not. What were they, Calvinist?

Speaker 1 No, they just,

Speaker 1 we really weren't much.

Speaker 1 My dad, when I was a kid, my dad put his bathroom on, drive me up to church and go, go in there and listen to the fuller. That's what my dad would say.
Go in there and listen to the fuller.

Speaker 1 You know, the

Speaker 1 priest? Yeah. No, not priest.
This minister. And I would pretend to go in.
I'd go down the basement and play with the soda machine.

Speaker 1 But your father wasn't Catholic, Leno? My father was, but not practicing. I see.
No. And your mother didn't care about the Protestant.

Speaker 1 God, no. Really? None of that.
So you had none of formal. No, I had no formal.
No. But that was weird in that era.
So I like everybody. So that's all right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it has always been such a contradiction that you can absolutely have certainty about who God is.

Speaker 1 And then when somebody doesn't agree on that here in this country anyway, we're like, oh, that's cool. You know something? I had a foster kid for a number of years.

Speaker 1 She She had spina bifida, and she lived to be 21 years old. And she's from the South.
Does that kill you that early? Well, yeah. I met her when she was six.
And when she was six, she was cute.

Speaker 1 And we became good friends. And as she got older and her body became more deformed, you know, she wasn't the cute poster kid anymore.
So I got to know her family better.

Speaker 1 helped take care of her and they were very religious and i would go down there like we would go to McDonald's and we would hold, have to hold hands and pray. Well, we would can't.

Speaker 1 And then one time we're in there and the Madonna song, like a virgin, comes on the radio. And we had to go outside until the song ended.
And I'm thinking, well, this is stupid. Why?

Speaker 1 Well, just because

Speaker 1 it's a Madonna song. I don't know.
Okay. But then I went to their house.
And these people, they adopted every kid nobody wanted. All the, you know, kids from other countries.
Like me or Pharaoh. Huh?

Speaker 1 Like me or Pharaoh. Well, I guess you say, but they had

Speaker 1 Vietnamese biracial kids that were had mentally retarded. That's me a pharaoh.

Speaker 1 And they loved these kids and they took care of them. And I said, you know,

Speaker 1 I'm not doing this. They live their religion.
They're better than I am. So I just, I just respect it for what I go.
God bless.

Speaker 1 The people that don't live it, you know, like the, you know, the Jimmy Swagger types, you know. But these people, they lived it.

Speaker 1 and, you know, they took everybody in and they took care of them and they raised them. You know, yeah.
I'm not sure Mia Farrow loved them in the right way, but that's

Speaker 1 that's another story. But Jay, you know what? I can top you anytime.

Speaker 1 I've adopted over a hundred strippers. Really? You know that from all over the country.

Speaker 1 And I have changed lives from here. Over 50 girls.
No girl under 50. Remember those?

Speaker 1 Well, I will not miss the road, but I am so glad that you are. Well, I will bring you tales from the road.

Speaker 1 You're still making tales. That's what's important.
Yeah, yeah, it's fun. No, I mean, you like

Speaker 1 these stories about your

Speaker 1 health accidents,

Speaker 1 they will be your stories in 10 years.

Speaker 1 I didn't tell my new AI joke I had for you. Yeah, go ahead.
I had an AI experience. I got flipped off by a driverless car.

Speaker 1 It's not a bad joke. No.

Speaker 1 Do you purposely write or did it just come to you? A little of both.

Speaker 1 I mean, something happened the other night that I got a good bet out of.

Speaker 1 I was on stage. I said, when you get to be over 65, you lose muscle mass.
You lose like 2% a year. I said, I'm at the point now where opening a bag of pretzels is like tearing a phone book in half.

Speaker 1 So this kid who's like 25 goes, what's a phone book?

Speaker 1 I said, it's a book.

Speaker 1 Like in your town, everybody's phone number. He goes, what? How'd they get everybody's number? And I go, well, they have the number.

Speaker 1 He goes, what if you want to be in the book? I said, well, then you pay money to get an unlisted number. So you pay not, that's extortion.
I said, you know, we're not having this conversation.

Speaker 1 But I just laughed. I said, it was just no idea what a phone book was.

Speaker 1 But that's, but I'm surprised that you would not have replaced phone book with another word because I could have told you this, that this is going to happen.

Speaker 1 Phone book isn't, you don't want to like, we're old enough without reminding people that we're old. I know, but

Speaker 1 you can't be like, you know, kids, Bat Masterson once said.

Speaker 1 But, you know, you also have to be true to yourself. And it works for me.
But this must be another way to convey that idea without using it. Yes, but I wouldn't have had the interaction with the guy.

Speaker 1 And that's what's funny. The guy never, not even understanding the concept of a phone book.

Speaker 1 Explain a paper route to a kid. Why don't you just get on the internet? No, you put on a piece of paper, you go to each house.
What? What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 They don't know what you're talking about.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm not so sure reminding them that we're old is really the best way to go. They can just look at us and see.

Speaker 1 I know, but there's a difference between something that goes on in the mind, which says, okay,

Speaker 1 they're not young anymore, but they're still hip and they're still funny and

Speaker 1 they still get a crush without go. Don't give them a reason to roll their eyes.
Because that's what that generation wants to do is roll their eyes at you. Don't give them a reason.

Speaker 1 But see, I don't dwell on it. I'll do 40 minutes of material before I even bring that up.
And then I'm merely stating the obvious. I mean, I remember one day.

Speaker 1 The Stones are on one of their endless last tours.

Speaker 1 I was in my office and a bunch of interns from the Tonight Show are there. And the stones came on the news.
I said, God, they got to admit, they still look pretty good. I look over and they're like,

Speaker 1 These kids

Speaker 1 look good. Mr.
Little. They're like,

Speaker 1 I go, well, don't they look?

Speaker 1 No, they look awful. I mean, they just thought that was the funniest thing.
And it just made me laugh because I did the same thing when I was a kid.

Speaker 1 Tell the story about you and Mick Jiger at Plato's Retreat.

Speaker 1 Come on, there must be a story. No.

Speaker 1 Look at the time. Oh, gosh.
Give me some rock store stories.

Speaker 1 Who are your rock star friends? I mean, you know everybody. Everybody calls you.
I don't really have a rock star. You know one day? Really? You know who I got friendly with? Was Prince.

Speaker 1 Because he didn't drink.

Speaker 1 Prince. The one nobody could ever get friendly with.
No, well, I'll tell you a great Prince story. He used to come on the tonight show, La.

Speaker 1 He once talked about politically incorrect. Yeah.
He was a fan. Do you remember that? Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 1 That meant a lot to me. Yeah, yeah, we talked about that.
Yes. But one day I knew he was coming on the show.
So I dress up as a security guard. I have a bald wig on and I have a mustache.

Speaker 1 You know, I got a big fat suit on. And he pulls in.
And I go, Caviar name, please. Prince? He says, Prince.
Prince.

Speaker 1 Prince. Prince what?

Speaker 1 Prince, the musician.

Speaker 1 Your name is Prince and Musician? He goes, no. And now he's getting mad.
He goes, no.

Speaker 1 I'm on the show. I'm a performer.
My name is Prince. I said, I understand.
Prince what? I don't have it now. Prince what? He goes, it's not Prince What? It's just Prince.

Speaker 1 Now he's getting really pissed, you know, and I'm.

Speaker 1 He doesn't see that it's. No, well, I'm starting to laugh.

Speaker 1 You think this is funny? I go, yeah, it's funny.

Speaker 1 He goes,

Speaker 1 oh, fuck you.

Speaker 1 He just, he really, he fell down. He really started laughing because he really got mad at me.

Speaker 1 Because he just had this.

Speaker 1 Here I am. I'm a huge star.
All these Garmins. I get it.
The security guy doesn't know who I am. But I said, no, it's me.
I got to think. Oh, yeah, he was, he was great.
He was very funny.

Speaker 1 It was fancy because it could have gone the other way. No, no, not with him.

Speaker 1 He was great. You know, after the show.
Yeah, there were rock stars who were. Yeah, I know, but he wasn't one of them.
Good. He kept the audience there.

Speaker 1 And he said, Can I play a couple of songs for you guys? Okay. You know, he played and they kind of jammed with him.
And he was great.

Speaker 1 He was really a nice guy. What did he play that night? Do you remember? I don't remember what he played that night.
What year?

Speaker 1 Well, let me see.

Speaker 1 90s?

Speaker 1 No, no, probably.

Speaker 1 Remember your guest hosting? Six, seven, eight.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 in the art years, oh, seven, oh, eight, oh, nine. Oh, far, that far.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, I left in 14, you know.
Right. Yeah.
I remember when I did the, they moved you the 10 o'clock thing. That was stupid.
I mean, that whole episode.

Speaker 1 I only took that because they said, if you do this show, I said, I don't think it's going to work. If you do the show, we'll pay your staff for two years.

Speaker 1 And I love my staff. And I said, all right, you get everybody two years guaranteed works.
You guys want to do it? Okay. All right, we'll do it.
But I knew it wouldn't last any day. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I thought it would. I thought, oh, that's the right move.

Speaker 1 No, I knew it wouldn't work. You know why? Because Kavit tried it.
Kevott tried it.

Speaker 1 You're not Kavit. And he tried it in the 60s

Speaker 1 at 10 o'clock. That's really.
And it didn't work. Well, not really.

Speaker 1 No, but it.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's like pizza versus sushi no it's just you know

Speaker 1 more people are going to choose the pizza you're the pizza jay yeah but phoebe still had uh a sort of

Speaker 1 you know you know it's funny when you read early reviews of johnny oh where's the erodite jack parr where's it so and so you know johnny was sort of like the the people skip because don't forget when television in the 50s it was playhouse 90 a live lawrence olivier had a show where you'd come out and greet people and talk i mean it was a very classy medium and then it gradually gradually

Speaker 1 went to the masses but again you have to ride the wave that comes from the ocean right i know this as a body surfer and you rode the wave that was going toward the shore and you rode it right i think i've told you this once i remember talking to a

Speaker 1 oh god i don't know what year this was probably the 90s but you know uh you know she was a young girl and a part of my mentoring program.

Speaker 1 And I asked her, do you watch Letterman? Do you watch Leno? And she was like, oh, no, Leno. I was like, why? She said, like, it's just more of a party.

Speaker 1 You know, you got that, that like the era of the straight talk show was over. People weren't, didn't have that acumen anymore.
Right.

Speaker 1 They didn't have that ability to certainly when Johnny started, sit through a discussion with Gorvid Dahl. Right, right.
When he he did it, Johnny used to do an hour 45. Right, I remember.

Speaker 1 And they would have authors on at the end. I mean, sorry, but you got to live in the world you're living in and the society you're living in.
And you understood that. Right.
You know,

Speaker 1 you always, and you always kept,

Speaker 1 you know, in a way we are connected because I feel like I'm the only guy on TV who really isn't like ideologically captured by the left. That is basically my politics, old school liberalism.

Speaker 1 But I don't hate the the other side.

Speaker 1 No, but you have the most honest show on television. Thank you.
I always know exactly how you feel. I don't have to agree, but at least I know you're not trying to appease the audience.

Speaker 1 And I don't just go with one side because that's the side. I know, no.
And you, and you, you know, you.

Speaker 1 Remember, I told you this year. You kept Middle America

Speaker 1 and the coast.

Speaker 1 I told you. You used to sort of get mad because you weren't as popular as some of the other guys.
And I said, but you're going to have longevity.

Speaker 1 You're going going to be around longer because you're interesting and you make people think. When you start, you're young.
People don't want to think. They just want to laugh.

Speaker 1 Actually, I was more popular than almost all the other guys

Speaker 1 and often all of them.

Speaker 1 If you went by the ratings numbers, it was just media

Speaker 1 did not want to acknowledge

Speaker 1 because I wasn't in the perfectly woke one true. Right.

Speaker 1 Whatever the reason would be. I remember you used to get so frustrated.
And I used to think, you know, no, you,

Speaker 1 it's going to work out fine. And it has.
Absolutely. You're on the air for 30 years.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 It's unbelievable. I got to go.
I got to take care of my wife.

Speaker 1 Jay,

Speaker 1 I was going to say it's a shame that the only time we see each other now is when we do this, but I don't really give a fuck why we see each other. I love it.

Speaker 1 The fact that I can sit here with you and talk to you. I'll do it under any circumstances, even if I have to go under a car and get burned or some shit.
I will make that happen, my friend. Some

Speaker 1 accident.

Speaker 1 Accident again.

Speaker 1 Don't think.

Speaker 1 How about a man? Oh my gosh, a hundred for me.

Speaker 1 You look good, by the way. Thanks, thanks.
Yeah. How is that opening the pickle jar? Is that a good idea?

Speaker 9 Hey, this is Sarah. Look, I'm standing out front of AMPM right now, and well, you're sweet and all, but I found something more fulfilling, even kind of cheesy, but I like it.

Speaker 9 Sure, you met some of my dietary needs, but they've just got it all.

Speaker 1 So, farewell, oatmeal.

Speaker 9 So long, you strange soggy.

Speaker 10 Break up with planned breakfast and taste AMPM's bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit made with K-tree eggs, smoked bacon, and melty cheese on a buttery biscuit. AMPM, too much good stuff.

Speaker 1 Be our guest at Disney's enchanting musical, Beauty and the Beast. Experience this timeless, classic tale brought to life like never before.

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Speaker 7 Coming to the Orpheum Theater July 14th through August 9th. Tickets on sale now at BroadwaySF.com.