Jay Leno | Club Random with Bill Maher

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I'm in the hall. I see guys turn what I think is a plate glass window.
It's a giant cue card. This has the word hello on it.
I like the old school pleasures, Jay. The old school, the men and women are glad of it.
Jay? Bill, what's going on? If that's not Jay, that's an amazing impression. Stay there, and I don't want you to hurt yourself.

I'm all right.

I got to bust a drink.

So listen, I wrote out the next six Get Well cards.

I thought with the price of postage these days.

I think it's so smart.

It saved your mind.

I mean, this one is for when you fall down a flight of stairs.

This has something to do with a knitting needle.

This is an elevator shaft. Very good.
Well, thank you. Thank you, Bill.
I'm concerned. Well, how are you, Jay? I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm all right.
I'm okay. You're Iron Jay.
I'm okay. I'm all right.
I'm all right. I feel like you are proving that you're Iron Jay, and you don't need to.
We always thought you were Iron Jay. I understand.
I uh but you heal very quickly i do heal quickly because like i saw 10 days ago this is totally black and white yeah yeah and you know my eye was shut for three days and i thought oh boy am i blind to one eye okay and then after three days it opened oh okay and i was fine now what do you attribute that to good italian it was swollen scottish italian yeah scottish scottish jeans that's what you want thinning hair bad teeth bad skin that's you want those scottish jeans but no combinations are always healthier just like in dogs i guess that's true i guess that's true the more um we are and of course when you're too alike as when you marry your cousin, we know that goes the wrong way. That goes the wrong way.
So that's, because you're not a young man anymore. No, I'm not.
But you certainly shouldn't be, and you're quite hell, but you certainly shouldn't be falling down hills, don't you think? I agree. But my only, I had to, it was either walk to an hour.
I said, it doesn't look that steep. Down! And then, yeah, it fell down.
But you know, Jay, when I started, someone told me, your edge is your sanity. Your what? Your edge.
Your edge is your. In show business.
Okay. Is your sanity.
Because so many people in show business are crazy in their own different ways. I think at the time we were talking about Richard Belzer, you know, who had his own, you know, he was a brilliant comic.
But he was sort of self. You know, he was a real good actor, too.
He did a great job on Homicide in the Streets. He really found the depth of that character.
Yes. Detective Munch.
Yeah. I mean, it was unique.
I hadn't seen a character like that. He made it his own.

And I assume it was, I don't think anybody guided him.

I think he just sort of developed it himself.

It's pretty good.

Well, I mean, I felt it was Belzer, as we knew Belzer, as a detective. If Richard Belzer, the comic, had chosen to be a detective, that's exactly what...
You know what's so funny? As a comic, he was a good comic, but he was the same comic. He didn't change his act hardly much at all.
What? He never wrote a word down. Well, I remember he...
He did the same bits. We all did.
When he did TV, he would always do kind of the same bits. Oh, well, you know, I mean, again, that's...
I mean, good improvisational comic. Yeah, he was good.
He good he was good yeah he was brilliant in the nightclub yeah um and many have found out that you know it

doesn't translate as well to tv you know some performers are hot as opposed to the cool medium

of tv right right you know you were number one for over two decades because you understood television

why are you putting eye drops in you're not eye drops oh i see i brought them for you

I don't know. You were number one for over two decades because you understood television.
Why are you putting eye drops in your drink? They're not eye drops. Oh, I see.
I brought them for you. I thought it was- In case you hurt yourself while you're here.
I thought they were visine. I brought you.
Now, this is just a way to have a healthier version of- Well, what are you eating lately? You're still on- Do you ever eat vegetables? No. Are you still the guy who doesn't eat a vegetable? I had one at 62, and I didn't like it.
What vegetable was it? I don't remember. It was a horrible experience.
I'm just not a vegetable guy. No, I understand.
And look, you're proving that obviously there's something in our genes that's more powerful than things like how you eat. Because a lot of people would think, if you never eat a vegetable, how could you possibly be healthy? But, yeah, I don't drink.
I don't smoke. I don't do drugs.
I'm not a stress guy. I don't stress.
You know, people say, oh, the Tonight Show must be too much. No.
Right, Joe? Tell Joe. Get checked.
Right. No, I do do drugs and drink.

Really?

And smoke.

Now, you see, I learn something every day.

I've known you all these years.

Now I find out you do drugs.

Yeah.

Jay, do you know, did you see what the Inquirer said about your spill?

No, what did they say?

They say, well, it's a conspiracy theory since you've had three accidents. Right.
That you actually have gambling debts and you're being beaten up by the mob. Well, that's why I love the idea that the mob would drive to Greenberg, Pennsylvania, wait outside the Hampton Inn in kind of a sleety kind of rainy day to throw me down the hill.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, that's not what they're saying.
Please don't mischaracterize the inquirer. They're saying throw you down the hill was your cover story, but they just beat you up like the mob always does, and that when you had the other accident where you fell off your motorcycle, wink, wink, and had your knees.
No, what happened was that guy had a rope across the driveway, and it cut my. Sure he did, Jay.
I just got a new face when my face caught fire. And then two months later, it tore my face.
I had to call him my face guy, and I need another face. So I went up and and gave me another one so you have the same face so you're not you're it's interesting the article started out saying jay leno was worth 450 million dollars has gambling debts i was like that is quite a gambling i like the idea that they wouldn't just take one of my cars for the gambling debt right yeah yeah why because they're worth, you know, I was pretty smart.
I remember years ago, I was a Catch a Rising Star. And I was on stage, and this guy, a mob guy, comes up to me afterwards.
He goes, hey, you funny kid. You funny kid.
I'm like, hey, he takes $100, he puts it in my pocket. Really? He goes, you funny kid.
He goes like this, yeah. I said, oh, thank you.
I said, look, I don't mean to disrespect, but, you know, give it to the church or something. I said, no, I'm okay, but thank you.
I don't want you to, I appreciate it, I'm okay. And he says to me, no, you're a smart kid.
You don't take money from people like me. That's smart.
And nobody ever bothered me again.

Nobody ever bothered me again.

I saw the mob kick the crap out of comics left and right.

What?

Yeah.

Really?

Well, one person we know was on stage.

Was he Italian?

No.

No?

Well, yes.

Yes, he was.

Yeah, he was.

An Italian name.

Yes, an Italian name.

I think I know who you're talking about.

Anyway.

And just beat the crap out of him because he was being a wise ass on stage.

To them.

To them, yeah.

That kind of thing.

He's not good.

That happened to Carson.

Carson...

Got beat up?

Well, Carson went to Jilly's one night with Bushkin.

His lawyer. Yeah.
And they got to have drinks. And they start hitting on these two girls.
Kind of rudely. Turns out their mob.
Oh, malls. Girlfriends.
Mall. Right.
So they threatened to put a hit out on Carson. So Carson stops The Tonight Show for the week.
He just goes, he leaves. Because this is real.
And then at the time, they had, you remember Joey Colombo, the guy, he had that whole Italian civil rights thing going to New York City. Sure, of course.
Well, they had the Italians, they had the Italian St. Genovese Parade, which was sponsored by the five families.
So nobody in New York City. Sure, of course.
Well, he had the Italian St. Genovese Parade,

which was sponsored by the five families.

So nobody in New York would cover it.

So Joey Colombo went to NBC and said, if you cover the Italian parade,

we'll pull a hit on Carson.

And they did.

They ordered it.

You never heard of that story?

I certainly did not.

You got to get out.

You smoke too much stuff.

You got to get out and see what real people are doing. I bring people in here and then they tell me things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but yeah, that's true.
And that was for real. I mean, you know, it's just...
So just for the record, you were not beaten up by the mob. No, I was not.
Have you ever gambled? No, I don't gamble. I said it doesn't sound like shit.
No, I don't get it. You know, losing $100 makes me feel stupider than winning $1,000 makes me feel good.
Because I go, I could have taken my wife to dinner or I could have done something. I don't get it.
Plus, I'm dyslexic. So to me, sir, you have 28.
What? You have 28. Oh, it's not 21.
No, it's 28, sir. Oh, okay.
No, so I'm not, no. No, I'm not a gambler.
No, your life is comedy, and that's why you're at the Hampton Inn. Here's a question, Jay, getting back to my thing about your sanity is your edge.
Why is a guy who's worth $450 million staying at the Hampton

Inn? You know, my plane landed at one in the morning. I'm there for seven hours.
I just grab a hotel and I go to bed. Where would I stay? You know, I remember once we had MC Hammer came to the tonight show and he had 300 people

no he didn't. Not 300.
300 people in his staff. I mean, I don't know if all 300 were there, but there were hundreds of people there.
It was like, and they're all cousins, they're all being paid. And then I realized he's having tax problems.
Oh, what could go wrong? but isn't there a middle ground between that and the hampton inn i'm just saying middle ground to me you'll find me a better hotel in greenberg pennsylvania i'll say that yeah i mean what do you well but even playing greenberg pennsylvania uh it sort of reminds me of elvis the day he died you know where he was headed portland maine. I mean, well, he's Elvis Presley.
You know, I feel like... Muhammad Ali fought in Portland, Maine.
Sonny Lussin. Biggest fight ever up to that point.
Portland, Maine. And I have nothing against Portland, Maine.
But Elvis, you know, should have and could have, I think, been playing more major venues. He never went to Europe because of that horrible manager.

Yeah, the horrible manager.

That was a sad story.

I think there's a certain empathy for Elvis.

I always liked Elvis.

He seemed like it.

You know, he was a great guy.

He had African-American backup singers

when that was not even, don't even mention it.

Really?

In the South.

Yes, he did.

And he always gave credit. He always In the South.
Yes, he did.

And he always gave credit.

He always gave credit to black artists, to Chuck Berry. That's true.

And everybody else stole their songs and performed them.

But Elvis always said where they came from.

Speaking of beaten up by the mob story,

do you know the one about Sammy Davis?

How We Lost the Eye?

Well, no.

Maybe that was the same thing.

No, I thought it was a car accident, wasn't it?

Okay.

Well, I mean, the thing I'm referring to is

he met a white girl.

I think she was an actress.

I think she was kind of semi-famous.

Yes, it was...

Brit something?

A Brit Eklund. No.
Not a Brit Eklund. Made Brit? Something like that? Something like that, yeah.
Something like that, okay. A blonde white girl.
Yeah. And this is what I've heard.
The mob told him, like, either you're going to break this off tonight, you know, or we're going to kill you. Right.
Why it was their business to enforce racism, I don't know, but I guess they took it seriously. And that night, he, on stage, proposed to one of his African-American backup singers to solidify his commitment to living.
I don't know. You've never heard that? I work with him.
Did you ever work with him? No, I saw him once, and it was awesome. The greatest entertainer ever.
I mean, he could act. Oh, funny.
I saw him on a Twilight Zone where he played, you know, all those half-hour ones? And he was the little guy, and everybody made fun of him and so on so in in in the uh in the army you know so one of the guys say hey let's let's uh let's let's screw screw with him you know so they had a fake hand grenade and they threw it in the ground on the ground in front of and he jumped on it oh jesus you know to save all oh that's the yeah that was the start i see but he played it so well it was like it was just gut range because these guys just trash him dump water on his head and they're just always messing with him he had great empathy even when they thought they were just being funny i mean one of the things that dean martin used to do when they were on stage together, the Rat Pack, him and Frank and Dean,

is that he would lift Sammy up, who of course was diminutive.

Right, right.

And say, thank you for this NAACP award.

Right, right, right.

Which today would probably not be the appropriate.

That would not be.

The double of short and raised.

He was the greatest guy.

If you work with Sammy and you said, it's a beautiful watch,

oh, you take it, you give it to her.

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I mean, he was that kind of guy. He traveled, when I worked with him, every place he went became his house.
So he brought his Barker lounger chair, his 119 photos, put them on the wall of every dressing room he worked in.

Like we would do Harris for a week.

You go into his room.

It was his den at home.

They have all the pictures, him and Sammy and all the guys.

It's insane.

Yeah.

That's what I mean about people in show business are insane.

It's an insane thing to do for a week.

You have to understand, though, when he was with the Will Maston trio, he's always been a performer since he was a little kid so you lived on the road you're like gypsies you know you'd be that was your house so you brought all your personal things with you so when he put all those pictures on the wall he went home every night yeah but now he's not a child and he's not on the road all the time well he was he how old do you think he was when he died 64 i know isn't that unbelievable when i was a kid it was like love seemed about right you know it's funny because i used to do a bit back like when he died in the 90s about basically you know as i have often defending libertarianism and doing drugs if you want to not basing how we should make drug laws based on the people who fuck up with it.

If that's your choice.

And I said, Sammy Davis lived that kind of life, drank drugs, you know, and lived to 64.

And I used to say, give me 64 Sammy years, then 100 Ken Starr years or some Republican like that.

Right, right, right.

Then I got to be 64 and I was like, well yeah exactly exactly well let me finish yeah you know but he was a he was a wonderful human being he's a great guy he just remembered him hugging nixon and then so what i know but but at the time he was yes you've seen as a traitor it's so funny you mentioned, like, today we live in this time when you're not allowed to have friends from the other side or cross lines politically. And I forgot that there's an example of that way back when.
A guy who crossed lines politically. Ooh, the worst thing you could ever do, be friends with a Republican? Ah 9-1-1 yeah this is what i fucking hate about the left like you know and they're not going to get me over to the trump side which they think they will sometimes but just the idea that you know cut your family off for thanksgiving if they voted for the wrong guy well yeah fuck off you fucks well i i don't know and sammy yeah but but when he hugged nixon he was ostracized yeah oh yeah by the left a lot that was an early harbinger of that because you also had black panther and you had that whole movement like back plant back the black panther movement was very big on college campus and stuff at that time 72 is this yeah 71 72 yeah yeah man but i remember what what sammy said at the time.
72 is this? Yeah, 71, 72. Yeah.
But I remember what Sammy said at the time when they asked him about the Nixon thing, which was he went through like his economic achievements. The Nixon administration was not an unsuccessful administration before Watergate and said, you know, you got to go with the man who has results.
Now, I don't remember exactly what the economy was with Nixon. I was 13.
But that attitude, that idea, I admire so much, as opposed to the virtue signaling and the stuff that they do just to make themselves feel better about being ally. You know what? You want to be a good ally? Address the actual problems.
Any racial problem in this country is not addressed by DEI and having programs like that.

It's three things.

And John McWater, the great African-American writer, names them.

You know, better schools, don't graduate kids who don't know anything and have no skills, more dads, and the drug war.

Those are the practical things. And that's not what they care about talking about.
Right, right. So Sammy Davis, here's to you.
But that story about the mob threatening to kill him, you don't know that one? You don't think that's true? I don't think it's true. Sammy told me it wasn't true.
Oh, you asked him about it. Well, it just came up.
Wow. I didn't know you were that close to him.
Yeah, I worked with him. I opened for him.
He was great. You were like Tom Dreesen to Frank Sinatra.
When he would do Mr. Bojangles, I mean, people would be in tears.
Oh, when I saw him. And he could stand up and click his heels.
He could kick his feet out to the side. And it was like a marionette.
It was like, what? Right. It was unbelievable.
So I saw him once. I was playing Reno.
Yeah. Which, as we know, what does the sign say? The smallest, largest city? The biggest little city in the world.
Whatever it is. It's no offense to reno i love of course not but it is no it's not just a smaller version of vegas it's not really a city a big city you want a great reno story okay i was playing reno so maybe i go let's go we had no money so we'll go down to circus circus and have the 99 cent dinner or whatever it was.

Okay.

I walk in.

In the middle, they got a boxing ring set up.

Okay.

I go, it's the next fight.

Oh, let's sit with this.

Okay.

Little guy comes out.

They called them midgets then.

Now we're called a little person.

And they got a kangaroo.

All right.

Come on.

Now listen to this.

And the kangaroo is like.

Come on. They got the kangaroo on a trophy.
They're fighting? Yeah. Well, no, the kangaroo's got boxing gloves on.
Right. And they're just like, come on here.
Come on. I'm not scared of you.
Come on. And they got the kangaroo on a choke chain, right? And they're leading him out.
He's like. And the kangaroo goes, bam.
It's just a boom. The guy goes down.
Boom. And then the trainers are out.
They give him a little something to eat. They squirt water.
They pet his fur down, you know. And the little guy gets up.
Ah, that didn't hurt me. And he's got a big welt on his face.
Come on, come on. Okay, they lead him a little more.
And this, you know, this is the kangaroo's life. He doesn't know this is a game.
Jay, that was what the sixth card was for. Oh, yeah.
When you get on that. So anyway, kangaroo's like a down, down, down.
And boom, hits him again. And now he's out.
He's just out cold. Hey, and they lift the paw up at the kangaroo.
And the guy lies in. And here's the worst part.
Here's the worst. They put the kangaroo back on his chair.
They're all hosing him down and petting him. The midget's lying on the ground.
And the guy puts the thing up. Next fight, 45 minutes.
The guy had to do it again. I'm thinking, oh, my God, this is show business.
This is the most horrible show business thing I've ever seen in my life. And this guy is like, and his face, you know the way my face looked when I fell down the hill? Yeah.
It looked like that. His face, it was like leather.
So a kangaroo can just throw a punch like that? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, you ever seen kangaroos? No, I never saw an animal throw a punch.
I mean, animals have their- Kangaroos box. Yeah.
Boxing kangaroos, of course. Yeah.
But is there, I mean, if you get with a bear, he's going to kill you, but he's not going to punch you. A kangaroo will punch you.
I mean, if the bear isn't like this. A kangaroo will punch you.
I see. Tell that to the midget.
He didn't really hit you in the face. But this guy, I mean, I'm thinking that was like the worst show business job I'd ever seen.
I think you should write a memoir and call it Tell That to the Midget. The Jay Leno story.
It was horrible. Horrible.
Because you have the best show business stories. You really do.
It's so stupid. How many shows do you think you've done? I don't know.
I mean, I used to do 250 a year, and I do about 175, maybe 200, something like that. You know, I just did my last one.
Why? Two days ago. Why? Because I'm not Iron Jay.
Don't you enjoy? I do enjoy being on stage. I don't enjoy a hundred other things about it that don't really get better.
I don't want to start on how people in hotels don't do anything good. I mean, I get mad when the TV doesn't work.
You fall down the hill. But, you know, I'm staying at the best hotel, and they can't get it right.
Right. I would expect it.
Yes, but see, nothing funny happens at the best hotel. When you stay at the bad hotels, funny things.
You know what? I played Cincinnati once and I stayed at the Hotel Cincinnati which was a men's hotel. What year is this? This is 1971, 72.
A men's hotel? It was a men's. I don't know what that means.
Men only. Why? Because it was a men's hotel.
They used to have male and and female. What was different about it? There were just urinals? I'll tell you what's different.
I'm in my room, and I hear a noise on the door. What's that? And I see water.
And I open the door and go, and there's a guy peeing on the door. And I go, what are you doing? What are you doing? They don't stop that.
And he goes, I always pee on this door. And then he looked at the door and the paint was all crumbs.
Apparently he did always pee on that door. And I went, well, not tonight.
I'm here tonight. All of a sudden.
Men's hotel, there would be like guys. How did he get near your door? He in the, he's in the hall.
It's on the first floor?

No, it was on the second and third floor.

So he went up two floors to pee?

No, he stayed in one of the rooms.

Why didn't he pee in the room?

Because there was no bathroom in his room.

That's why it's a men's hotel?

Because it was a communal bathroom?

It would be a communal bathroom, yeah.

Geez, why couldn't you stay there instead of the Hampton Inn?

It would mean you'd be okay now. It was two bucks a night.
Two bucks a night? Yeah, yeah. Geez, why couldn't you stay there instead of the Hampton Inn? Why? Maybe you'd be okay now.

It was two bucks a night.

Two bucks a night?

Yeah, yeah.

1971!

I know.

I just had never heard of anything.

But my Reno thing with Sammy, let me just tell you,

because it was the 80s and I was playing there.

Yeah, I was opening for somebody.

Somebody like Melissa Manchester.

Because again, to finish with the Reno thing,

lovely city but smaller.

So you could see the big stars.

They all played there.

But you could see them in a room with 400 people.

I mean, small rooms.

Almost like a comedy club.

Very intimate.

I saw Dr. Cosby there.

Oh, Bill Cosby, yeah. Yeah.
Amber was a fan of that comedy. But okay, he was there.
And I saw Sammy. Sammy was, first of all, he's sitting in a stool, a cloud of smoke, you know, the cigarette going.
And he tells the audience, you know, don't be stupid like me as he's looking like the coolest guy in the world. Right, right.
I never wanted to smoke cigarettes so much. It really does work.
And then I remember he sang Bojangles, but not at the end. And he tells the audience, don't think this is the end.
I know you think Bojangles is my big ending song, but I'm just doing it now because I want to change up the show, whatever. And he sang it.
And of course, it did bring down the house. But everything he did.
Yeah, it was fair. I mean, so, okay, I'm playing Reno in 1984.
Right. I cannot compete with your stories.
No, no. This is my best Reno story.
In 1984, I'm 28, and I have this sport jacket made of leather. Oh, yeah.
Leather. I bought it in the mall.
I think I was shopping at the mall with Jerry Seinfeld. Right, right.
So I blame him partly for this, for even suggesting I get this. But so it's, yeah, it's a sport show.
You know, it's not like a leather, but like a sport coat made of leather. Right, right.
And the opening comic, the one before me, was a woman. And she did like, she ended with like 10 minutes about what assholes macho guys are.
And then I come out, and the audience just starts laughing. And I didn't understand.
And I say to the people, what are you laughing at? And they told me that, you know, it's like she was just making fun of macho assholes. And you come out wearing a leather sport coat.
Yeah, I remember playing. I was opening for Tom Jones at Caesars, my first time at Caesars.
I come off stage, and I walk out in the front, and this girl comes up and goes, great show. I said, oh, thanks, thanks.
Yeah, how are you? Good. She goes, what are you doing? I i'm just gonna get something to eat oh okay i'll join you this is before you were married yeah before i was married yeah okay i was just sitting there we're talking and she goes you don't have all night i said what are you talking about well she was a hooker i didn't know she was a hooker she said great show to everybody i thought she saw me on stage oh so i went oh oh oh i was oh she likes me what show was she referring to no she she just showed me step out on stage no she no she no i was on stage but why would you say great show to somebody because i just stepped out of the showroom oh and she went a great show I said, oh, thank you.
I'm thinking, oh, this girl saw the show. This is, you know.

That reminds me of David Brenner's great bit. Remember when he said the first time he did The Tonight Show and he gets on the subway? Oh, yeah.
You're funny, yeah. Right.
And the guy on the subway goes, you're funny. Oh, yeah.
And Brenner's like, oh, this is awesome. I'm in showbiz.
People are seeing me on the Tonight Show. And then a guy comes on, sits next to Brenner, and the guy goes, you're funny.
Yeah, that was funny. Yeah.
It was great. Oh, Jay, where did the years go? I know.
There you go. I mean, we, no, I'm very comfortable with this decision, honestly.
All year long, as I knew as i knew and you know i didn't book anything in 2025 and i didn't make some announcement because i might go back to it you're right i don't know i i but i have to see whether it's just an addiction or whether i really love it whether it's worth it and i don't think i see to me to come up with a new joke like the other i know i came up with a new joke i know i'll try my new joke on you i know but and i want you to but that's is that's the sore point that's you just hit the bone on this one why well because i know i'm going to come up with bits and then it's like you know it's like uh when you're horny and you can't come it's just going to back up in you i mean I going to do with the bits? You know, that would be perfect for my next act. I mean, I cut a half hour out of this act to make it fit for 60 minutes, but it's still good stuff that I could start a new act with, as I always did.
Yeah, but for me, that's half the fun. It just keep adding on to it.
I know. It's like building a wall.
You've got a brick at a time. But you know i just i just don't want to drag my ass out of bed i'm not like you i'm not iron jay i'm not up in the morning anyway you're up anyway you only sleep at four hours right yeah i mean that's that's very rare in humans well i know i i've actually i've been up since four actually i went to bed last night i went to bed last night at midnight i usually go to bed at two or three i I go to bed at midnight, and then I've been up since four, actually.
I went to bed last night. You haven't seen this.
I went to bed last night at midnight. I usually go to bed at two or three.
I don't go to bed at midnight. And then I was up at four, and I was just dragging my ass around reading and doing stuff.
But you don't feel shitty? No. And you don't drink coffee? No.
No hot liquids. What are you, Mormon? No hot liquids.
I don't like hot liquids. Okay.
You don't drink. you don't drink.
Soup is just a way to screw you out of a meal. That's my attitude.
Well, okay, well, I don't know why we had to shit on soup. I mean, soup's good.
I'm not a big soup guy. I'm not a big soup guy, but, you know, I don't blanketly hate all soups.
I don't. It's just a way to screw you out of a meal.
Oh, I could have had something to eat. Oh, you give me a dish that's wet.
Okay, thanks. Well, I think that will serve you well as you go forward in life because a lot of the times what they make fun of older people for is liking soups.
That's right. And, you know, if you're the guy who's still eating steak.
That's the old joke, you know, a Jewish joke? Guys walking down the street, hey, oh man, how'd you like some super sex? He goes, soup. Yeah.
That joke worked better back when people used to say the word super. Yeah.
Now kids are like, what is, I don't get it. Yeah.
Because Super around, where was it, the 70s, the 80s?

I think David Frost was the first one who said it.

It was a British thing.

Oh, that's Super.

That's just Super.

And then, of course.

Well, there was Glenn Super, the comic.

Remember him?

Oh, I do remember the name.

Glenn Super.

Yeah.

Well.

There you go.

So where are you off to next, Jay, in your 170 days on the road? I don't know. I'll pick up the envelope Monday and see where I'm going.
What? Yeah. You still do it that way? Yeah.
You know, so I... Oh, my God.
I open the envelope. Oh, I'm going to Wilmington.
Oh, this is great. So I got on the plane.
You know, private planes. I fly, land in Wilmington.
Camera crew. Hey, Jay.
I'm going to walk. Yeah, great.
You know, last summer I was here, I played a little club downtown. What club is that? They went off on Main Street.
Oh, wait. Oh, yeah, you don't know? Yeah.
So I talked a little bit. They don't seem to know.
And the guy picks me up, and he's got a bit of an accent. Then we get to where we're going, everybody else has an accent.
And I realize, oh, I'm in Wilmington, North Carolina. I thought I was in Wilmington, Delaware.
But when I got off the plane, I was talking about Wilmington, Delaware. I said, oh, so I got to pay more attention.
Jay, you're ridiculous. It's just, you're just ridiculous.
I mean, why, I mean, I mean.

But see, I'm happy.

You're not happy.

I'm very happy.

Oh, you're not happy.

Yeah, I've been happy doing stand-up all the time.

Yeah.

And now that the balance has shifted, I think, just, even if it's 51. Yeah, but see, the thing is, once you quit, you can't go back.

Yes, you can.

What are you talking about?

I've done it for over 40 years. Yeah, but you never really quit.
You did the show. You did monologues.
No, never quit stand-up. But I'm saying, like, you don't think after over 40 years of doing it, if I took a year off, I'd forget how to do it? Not a year, but a couple of years.
I mean, I've seen people try to do it. No, it would just take a while to, you know, it's like spring training.
Yeah, but people, we live in an era now where people show up and they tape every set. I saw him, he was terrible.
You know, I mentioned I was doing some new material, and a guy said, oh, no, I heard you do this new material two weeks ago. Well, yeah, it's still new material.
It's not new. I heard you do it two weeks ago.
Let me write a new act just for you, sir. Yeah, that's it.
And that's what people think. That's what people think.
Yeah, yeah. So you were with this hooker.
No, I wasn't with her. You just said you went to dinner with a hooker.
No, I didn't know she was a hooker. Well, that's what you say now.
She said, you're wasting my time. I said, are you going to pay me or not? I go, for what? Wow.
I went, oh, I just thought I met a nice girl who said, great show. I mean, the same thing happened to me.
I mean, I think we all, when we're that age, we're naive. Oh, yeah.
And yeah, I just, yeah, that's hysterical that they actually, you actually.

But yeah, she probably at some point. Here's how long ago it was.
I played Caesars when it was the only hotel that far out. There was nothing else around it.
I remember that. Yeah, yeah.
So I figured one day I said, I'm going to go for a walk. So I leave the hotel.
I walk about a half a mile

and I see

bellmen in golf carts

coming at me at a high rate of speed. They go, get in, get in.
I go, why? Get in, get in. There's a flash flood coming.
I go, what are you talking about? And then two minutes later, golf carts engulfed in water. Just hilarious.
I said, where did it come?

It's flat.

Where did all this water come from?

I don't know where it came from, but it was a flash flood.

Where does it come from?

I don't know.

It came from the hill somewhere.

So you never thought about gathering all these stories

and putting out a...

Oh, too much trouble.

Too much trouble to write a book?

I would rather just tell them and have fun with it.

You know.

Oh, I read that. Yeah, I put out a book this year, and it was.
The book was great. It's a terrific book.
Oh, thank you. It was really good.
I enjoy those because each one is different, has a unique point of view. No, I thought it was a terrific book.
I appreciate it. I really liked it.
But it took so much. I could have never done it without the strike that put us out of work for six months.
Yeah. It was very fortunate.
That's what I did. You know, I had my game show, and I figured, you know, I'm a union guy.
You know, everybody else, I'm going to do a union show. This way, keep everybody happy.
Okay. Strike! So every other game show stayed on.
Mine got taken off. And then I lost it because, yeah, because it's in the union.
There you go. Yeah, I was talking to somebody the other day about Broadway.
And, like, I couldn't believe that what he was saying was literal. But it is literal.
Like, if you have a piece of lint on your suit, you can't pick it off like a union person has from wardrobe has to be from the right department i did the tonight show and we took it to new york city we had a uh some editing stuff in the room and so you know we'd shoot shoot a jay walking thing on the street whatever let's just do a rough edit so we see what we like. No, we had to have a guy come in.
Big guy comes in with, you know, big giant fingers. Press stop.
They go. I'll play it again.
You just saw it. No, just play again.
We just saw it. Yeah, I mean, I'm arguing with this guy.
No, we want to see it again. And he had to press stop, stop, yeah, yeah.
I mean, that kind of stuff, stuff that goes so beyond the realm of what anyone, I think, normal person would call common sense. To me, that has been the downfall of the Democrats.
Because I don't know if a Democrat is specifically responsible for the person who can't pick lint off your suit.

Right, right. But in the mind of people, and for not wrong reasons,

they associate that with left-wing things,

and they associate Republicans with more like freedom and libertarianism,

getting the government off your back kind of stuff.

That was Reagan's big thing. Did you ever meet Reagan? No.
No. The 80s? How could I meet Reagan in the 80s? Well, I had dinner with him.
He was a funny guy. He was a funny guy? He was funny.
You know, we're sitting talking. Yeah, I bet he was.
He says, Jay, Jay, were you a good student? I said, no, Mr. President, I was a terrible student.
I was dyslexic. Jay, I wasn't a good student either.
And every day I kicked myself thinking how much further I could have gone if I had just applied. And I thought that was the greatest.
That is great. It's a great.
It's a great humble brag. You were like an Indian motorcycle.
Is that right, Jay? I had an Indian motorcycle. By the way, that thing was fast.
Yeah, he was a fun guy. Where was this? At some state dinner? No, at the White House.
Well, he just invited you over? No, I did one of the- Oh, the correspondence dinner. Here you go.
I'm backstage. I am waiting to go on.
This general comes in. General? Well, some military guy.
I see. Hey, you know what that is? That's my commander in chief.
You don't make fun of him. You don't degrade him.
He's poking me like this. I go, well, I'm a comedian.
No, you're not here. He's just yelling at me.
I'm thinking, well, okay. I'm thinking, I've got to change my act.
What am I going to do? So then he leaves. And then what was his chief of staff?

What was his name?

Jim Baker.

No, no, not Jim Baker.

Yes, he was.

James Baker.

The second term, the other guy.

After Weinberger?

No.

Regan.

Donald Regan.

The guy with two pegs.

Donald Regan.

Who was it?

And Nancy had him fired.

No, no.

It wasn't that.

Well, it was Jim. No, he was somebody who had a bad toupee who was in the administration.
And he comes in. He goes, come here.
We need to go out there. Nail Ronnie's ass to the wall.
And I go, and I said, well, you know something? This general, screw him. You know what he's talking about.
You make fun of that thing. You think it's his hair color? You think his hair's really black? I mean, it's 74 years old.
I go, well, just nail him to the wall. I'm thinking, oh, jeez.
I honestly didn't know what to do. What did you do? My opening joke was, I said, I want to congratulate Nancy Reagan.
I'm being named humanitarian of the year. I'm glad she beat out that conniving little bitch, Mother Teresa.
I remember you saying that joke. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. And Reagan fell off the chair.
He thought that was so funny. That is funny.
And he was like, oh, okay. And I said, oh, it was okay.
It's funny, and it's not a slam on her. No, no.
So they can laugh at that. Yeah, yeah.
But that is the worst, the single worst crowd in the world. Oh.
I did it one year because, of course, they can't be seen laughing at the wrong thing. Right, right.
And everything that would be any meaningful joke would have something that would get people upset. I did it one year, and I screwed up one line, and I was fumpering for it, and I finally just, under i finally just under my breath going oh fuck it and the next year people magazine wrote about whoever was doing it that year and said uh last year bill maher delivered an obscenity laced monologue yeah yeah one little fuck it yeah yeah but in the 90s that was i guess pretty yeah it was a tell it was like it was like i remember when I hosted Saturday Night Live, he'd be in the writer's room, and Rooney was with me.
So we were writing jokes here. And we noticed the writers wouldn't laugh, but some writers would.
And I said, yeah, they only laughed at the wrong jokes. Because it was so competitive.
It was so competitive. You know, you got picked up for like 13 weeks at a time, and if you don't score, you don't come back.
And now it was a horrible place. Do you still have writers? Not anymore, no.
You don't use anybody? Well, you don't need to now. I know.
Yeah. But no, and you, I mean, I've told this to 1,000 people.
During the strike of 2007, which was different than this one. Right.
They weren't that opposed to us going on, which we both did. But we just couldn't use writers.
Right. And you wrote your own monologue without any writers, and it didn't look different than when you had a gang of writers.
Well. And I always say nobody else could do that but Jay Leno.
Well, I know that. That is the, Jay, why are you always so compliment-resistant? Well, I guess it's, you know, I try not to believe the good stuff or the bad stuff.
That's how you get through show business. Well, that's the good stuff.
You know, because when you host a tonight show, it's like people just, everybody's mad about something every day.

I mean, I'll tell you one of my favorite Tonight Show stories.

I love Charlie Sheen.

I don't want to be Charlie Sheen, but I love Charlie Sheen.

Right.

So one day, Charlie Sheen's good.

Well, you don't want to be him now.

In the 80s?

What?

It probably was a lot of fun.

Well, here it is.

Here it is.

I'd say, gee, it's almost 4 o'clock. Charlie Sheen's not here.
Ring. Jay, it's Charlie Sheen on the phone.
Charlie goes, Jay, man, I'm sorry, man. Limo got T-boned.
Are you all right? He goes, yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay.
Is Joe okay? Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, you're just, I said, look, man, just take it easy.
The hospital has not had the gospel. Just shaking up a little bit.
It caught fire. They put it out.
I'm thinking, all right, look, man, just take it easy. The Eagle House, no, I don't have the gospel.
Just shaking up a little bit. It caught fire.

They put it out.

I'm thinking, all right, look, man, just take it.

Look, we'll get somebody to fill in.

We'll get a comic.

We'll get a comic to fill in.

Don't worry.

OK.

Yeah, I can tell.

So I said, yeah.

So wait, this happened multiple times?

No, no.

Because he was always so loaded?

No, no, this happened.

This happened one day.

OK.

So I said, Debbie, Charlie had an accident.

Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, OK.
oh okay something check in call the you know whatever the thing you know he's gonna fight about Charlie's accident so I said you know you got Joe's number the limo driver hello Joe Jay Leno Joe where are you I'm sitting out in front of Charlie's house he hasn't come out what so. What? So I call him.
I go, what are you, nine years old? Like there's a monster under the bed? You really? The limbo gets T-boned on the 101 freeway. It catches fire.
You're not injured. You don't think that's a story? And hilarious.
And what did he say? He apologized. And I had him on the show.
And he said the greatest thing the greatest thing he said you know i just like hookers and cocaine yeah and i went thank you for the most honest answer ever ladies and gentlemen hilarious but there's something wrong with that but um you know he has done some things and i'm amazed at how he is able to skate.

And I'm not knocking him.

I had a dinner with him once.

He couldn't be more charming.

I hope I wish him well.

But he has gotten away with things that are so much worse than other people have gotten canceled for.

Oh, yeah.

And it's just because he's a different time, too.

No, no.

The women saying he gave me AIDS knowingly, I mean, I can't think of a more cancelable thing than that. That wasn't that long ago, but it just shows it's not really what you do.
It's how much they like you. Yeah.
They just fucking like him. He had a Super Bowl commercial two years ago.
Could Louis C.K. get a Super Bowl commercial? Yeah.
No, and Louis C.K. didn't do anything.
I mean, this guy, like, hit hookers, hit hookers with other hookers, locks them in the closet, held a knife to one of his wife's throats, is on tape calling his second wife the N-word, and she's not black. I mean, that's pretty, and yet nothing, because we like him.

By the way, everybody should be treated that way, because he's not a bad guy.

No, no.

At all.

No, I don't like that. And we all make mistakes, and he was just who we were.

That's what I like about show business.

I could be around Charlie without being Charlie.

Hose and I chose great, because I could be in and amongst all of this and observe it as an observer and really enjoy it, as opposed to being in it. I never went to any of P.
Diddy's parties, but it was funny to stand on the outside. Well, that's not what I've heard.
Yeah, that's me. Well, what do you think is going to happen with that rule? I think he's probably going to prison for the rest of his life.
Right. You know, they cut you a break, and then you jump the shark.
Okay, now you've got this thing with a 13-year-old girl. Right.
And boy, that's not good. No.
That's not good. I've been saying forever that the Me Too movement, which, of course, was a necessary and should be, in anyone's mind, welcome corrective, skipped over the one part of society where it was absolutely the worst.
I mean, they got the people, like, in news, and they got the Harvey Weinsteins. You know, they got people, they went after, like, NPR got like eight people, like conductors who were in their 70s who like said the wrong thing.
They went after that artist. What's his name? I forget.
He's a famous artist, but he was in a wheelchair. And, you know, he was going to wheel after her.
And, I mean, you know, his dick didn't work. He didn't rape anybody.
Whatever he did. And he went away.
Right. I mean, they just went.
But the music industry, where it is worse than anything. Well, you know what's interesting? I watched that Leonard Bernstein movie.
Me too, Maestro. Maestro.
I thought he did a great job. Bradley Cooper did an amazing job.
But here's my thing. Yes.
I'm watching this movie. Okay, that's great.
And I like it in Leonard Bernstein. So he winds up having sex with his student.
But he really loved his kids. Gay sex, for people who don't know.
Right, gay sex. But it was okay because he loved the kids.
And I go, really? Well, how does he come away with that? How do you pull that off? I thought, wait a minute. I mean, shouldn't he be accountable for, what did I miss here, you know? No, I mean, the difference in standards of what was seen as, you know, acceptable or even heroic.
You know, I mean, James Bond in the 1969 version, he punches Diana Rigg in the face heroically because she wants to come with him on the mission, but it's too dangerous and she won't listen to reason. So he fucking push and knocks her out.
She has that there are no medical repercussions to actually inducing a state of unconsciousness. I mean, she went into the blue tent.
Did you know him at all, Sean Connery? I don't. Do you ever meet him? You are so ridiculous.
Do you? Do I? Yeah, me and Sean. No, I don't know.
Well, I'll tell you it's so funny. Oh, I mean, I've gotten tons of.
People don't know. He was Mr.
Universe, third runner-up, 1953. Mr.
Universe? Yeah, third runner-up. He's a bodybuilder? He was in 1953.
Sean Conner? Sean Conner, Mr. Universe, third runner-up.
It must have been different in those days. He wasn't like super overdubbed.
No, they didn't do it in those days. In those days, you were just- Right, you were just good looking.
A beefy looking guy, you know. But he- Yeah, I can see that.
He was a longshoreman, and he was a tough guy.

Yeah, tough guy.

And he was doing extras, extra work.

And he was in a movie with Lana Turner.

Lana Turner.

And he was flirting with Lana Turner.

And Lana Turner was going out with Johnny Stompanato.

You ever hear that name?

Back to the mafia.

Yeah, Johnny Stompanato.

What family was he?

So Johnny Stompanato, I don't know. Johnny Stompanato hears about this guy flirting with his girlfriend.
So he goes down to the studio. He puts a gun to Sean Connery's head.
And Sean Connery takes a gun, empties a bullet out, smashes him in the head and goes, you don't bring a gun to my workplace. Just throws him.
Just like any untouchables. Oh, yeah.
Just like the line he had. he had.
When I would have him on the Tonight Show, he'd go, gee, gee, what's the latest filthy joke going about, gee? And when I'd tell him, he'd laugh like a pirate. He'd laugh like that.
Sometimes when the newsroom went, hey, shut up down there. You tell Sean Connery to shut up, you know? He was the only star ever took a shower in those little showers they had.

Yeah.

Nobody.

He was the only one.

Oh, Scotland!

And they're screaming and yelling.

Apropos about who they cancel and don't just because they like them,

he, on a Barbara Walters, I think it was, interview, said outright,

sometimes a woman needs a good slap. Right, right.
You got to slap them. A little pushy.
And it was like, oh, Sean, you can slap me. You know, if it was Wallace Shawn who said this, it would not have been funny.
Right, right, right. It would not have been.
But he was the most dangerous James Bond. He was really a tough one.
I never got Roger Moore as the pillberry. Roger Moore, he was a lovely man.
He was a lovely man. He once bought me dinner with about eight people just because I was with a party, I guess, that knew him.
But I remember he picked up the check, and I'd never met him, and he was charming as fuck. But, yeah, he shit the best James Bond.
But it wasn't all his fault. It was the era that he did it in.
And just like you, it's funny. We were looking at the tribute I wrote to Johnny Carson in 2012 for Newsweek.
I don't know if you remember this. And I said, look it up today because Jay's coming over.
And it was a nice tribute to Johnny. but I did say at the end of it, Jay Leonard was the right guy for now.
You know, Johnny would not, if Jay went up against Johnny now, Jay would win. And if it was 1965, Johnny would win.
He was right for his era. And Jay is right for this era.
Right, right. And like Sean Connery was right for his era.
It was dangerous. It was the 60s.
Well, see, the idea was. And Roger Moore was the 70s when things were lame, and they wanted a lame James Bond.
You take a thug and you put him in a Savile Row suit so he gives off that danger. You know, I had Roger Moore.
Which was recaptured by Daniel Craig. Yeah, Daniel Craig did a great job.

A sense of danger.

He did a great job.

Like this guy, and I had dinner with him and a few people one night,

and you did get that sense of danger that, you know,

you might say something that amused him, but if you didn't,

he might punch you in the face.

Right, right, right.

I had Roger Moore on the Tenant Hill.

I said, where do you go on vacation?

He goes, I like to go to India. India? Yeah, how often do you go there? Oh, every weekend.
I say, you go to India every weekend. Yes, yes, of course.
I look at Debbie and Debbie's like, oh, isn't that rather involved? Oh, could have been snowed. No, not at all.
That's quite a long flight. Oh, no, we drive.
I said, you drive to India. Okay, you came from where? Were you from Los Angeles? No, what he thought he was saying was Indio, California.
Indio. But, you know, we're sitting there going, what? That's hysterical.
This edit, you know know i'll tell you one of the great edits of

all time we had bob bob hope was almost a hundred i had him on the show oh and he didn't like to wear his glasses or his hearing hands he goes jay tell you what you asked me to 10 questions i got 10 jokes you just say the question i got the jokes memorized we do we go down the line okay great Bob, how you doing?

Big laugh.

Hey, Bob, how's that?

Big laugh. The joke's memorized.
We go down the line. Okay, great.
Bob, how you doing? Da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da.

Big laugh.

Hey, Bob, how's that?

Da-da-da-da.

Big laugh.

So I'm throwing it, and I go, da-da-da-da.

And I go, oh, that was funny.

Da-da-da-da.

Okay.

Now I'm one joke ahead, you know? And I say, no, let me ask you.

Da-da-da-da. And I said, okay.
Da-da-da! So we had to edit. It was like a nightmare.
If you want to see something fun, when you watch some of the Bob Hope shows, one day I'm in the hall, I see guys carrying what I think is a plate glass window. It's a giant cue card.
This has the word hello on it. Bob wouldn't wear his glasses.
Come on. No, he wouldn't wear his glasses.
But when you watch... But he couldn't remember hello.
No, that was the... They flip him.
He couldn't have lived that. Apparently not.
Johnny didn't think he'd go. But here's the funny part.
They would drop the cue cards. They would drop the cue cards like this.
And his hair would go. So when you watch the monologue, after every joke, you see his hair go like this.
It must have been a wig at that point. Yeah, well, the hair would just go up from the cue card dropping down.
No, Johnny did not like hoax. I still can't get past.
I can't get past. He can't remember.
Hello. Come on, man.
That was how the cue card. down.
No, Johnny did not like Ho. I still can't get past.
I can't get past.

He can't remember.

Hello.

Come on, man.

That was how the cue card.

Just a big hello.

I like the old school pleasures, Jay.

The old school.

The men were men and the women were glad of it.

Wooden ships, iron men.

That's Bill Maher, ladies and gentlemen.

Exactly.

Yes, I like the old school.

What's that, me coughing? Because I'm smoking. Jay, step up to the cool, refreshing flavor of camel.
That's right. There's nothing wrong with a good camel, unfiltered.
That's my favorite thing. I love watching Mad Men.
What's this cancer nonsense that the cigarette comes, you know? You watch Mad Men? I love Mad Men. Such a great show.
Isn't that the great show? I watched it twice. The greatest.
I thought it was the best show. Yeah, I should do.
I should watch it again. It's been a long enough time.
Oh, it's good. It's really good.
Oh, it's so good. I mean, the writing, the acting.
I mean, John is perfect in the lead. And just how much things cost.
You know, secretaries make $45 a week, you know. Oh, yeah.
But also the value system. I mean, I love the storyline.
He was always cheating, of course, the wife. And one storyline was with the Jewish.
Yeah, right, right. The Jewish woman who was the scion of the department store, because in that era, and of course this is all accurate, I mean, Jews had their own department store.
Right. I mean, these people today who think, you know, that racism is worse than ever, it's just another one of those silly things that people say.
They go, you know what? People were actually alive for this.

That's not to say that there isn't work to be done.

There always will be work to be done.

But it's way.

When my parents got married, a Jew and a Catholic in 1951,

that was way more controversial than an interracial marriage today. But I always say what used to be, what is now against the law used to be the law.
That's the difference. Well, interesting.
An Asian could not marry a white person in the 30s. Yeah.
Missignation. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, 1967 was the loving case in the Supreme Court, and before then, it was not even legal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No, I mean, it's a shame that the progressives don't seem to want to sell progress because it is, after all, the product that they're supporting and should be selling.
Well, you know, Mark Twain said, I like progress. It's change I don't like.
And it's a great quote. And did you know him? Did you have dinner with him, Jay? Didn't know.
Did Zelensky come by for that? Didn't know Mark. Didn't know Mark.
No? No. Oh, come on.
Sadly, never had a chance. Not even in high school? Not even in high school.
No, no. Just a very sad time.
Well, Jay, what's your next accident coming up? I don't know. You know, it's great for tickets.
People love when rich people get set on fire or have accidents. I mean, they love it.
I mean, it's great. People think it's fantastic.
It sells tickets. So you say you do 170 dates now.
You used to do 250. Yeah.
But you must see that there's a pattern there that you are doing less, that you are, that is a scaling of back. Well, I'm doing a little bit less now because I'm taking care of my wife.
Right. Stuff like that.
So I try, I come home every night and I try to fly home. You never stayed over places.
You would do the gig and come home. I would go to Italy on Friday, do the show Saturday, be home again Sunday.
Italy? Yeah. For the pope no not for the pope i'm not what was he like jay i don't know the pope oh i don't believe that you had a night come on you know the pope you know the pope was a bouncer when he was like two years old of course you know he was he was he was which pope the pope now pope francis pope francis he guy in Argentina.
He's the Argentinian one. Of course.
He was a bouncer. Francis Bergoglio.
But he quit the job because he wasn't mean enough. It was then later given to a woman who became a nun.
And she got the job. Is that right? How do you know that? That's a joke.
Oh. A nun became a bouncer, you see.
No, but he was a bouncer. He was a bouncer.
I don't get that joke. Okay, let me explain the joke.
Yeah, dude, explain that to me. Pope Francis could be a bouncer because he wasn't mean enough.
Yeah, so a nun being mean enough. The job was then given to a woman who later became a nun.
Yeah, let's see. I would just say it was given to a nun.
There it is. Nuns were mean.
I had nuns. I went to catechism.
I never did any of that. You didn't? I'm not Catholic, no.
Leno? No, I'm not Catholic. My mother was from Scotland.
My mother would not. What were they, Calvinist? No, we really weren't much.
My dad, when I was a kid, my dad put his bathrobe on, drive me up to church and go, go in there and listen to the fuller. That's what my dad would say.
Go in there and listen to the fuller. You know, the preacher.
The priest? Yeah. No, not priest.
Just minister. And I would pretend to go in and I'd go down in the basement and play with the soda machine.
But your father wasn't Catholic, Leno? My father was, but not practicing. I see.
No. And your mother didn't care about the prize? No, no.
God, no. Really? None of that.
So you had none of formal? No, I had no formal, no. But that was weird in that era.
So I like everybody, so that's all right. Yeah, it has always been such a contradiction that you can absolutely have certainty about who God is.
And then when somebody doesn't agree on that here in this country anyway, we're like, oh, that's cool. You know something? I had a foster kid for a number of years.
She had spina bifida. And she lived to be 21 years old.
And she's from the South. Does that kill you that early? Well, yeah.
I met her when she was six. And when she was six, she was cute.
And we became good friends. And as she got older and her body got more deformed, she wasn't the cute poster kid anymore.
So I got to know her family better and help take care of her. And they were very religious.
And I would go down there, like we would go to McDonald's and we would hold, have to hold hands and pray while we can. And then one time we're in there and the Madonna song, Like a Virgin comes on the radio and we had to go outside until the song ended.
I'm thinking, well, this is stupid. Why? Well, just because it's a Madonna song.
I don't know. Okay.
But then I went to their house. And these people, they adopted every kid nobody wanted.
All the kids from other countries. Like Mia Farrow.
Huh? Like Mia Farrow. Well, I guess you'd say, but they had Vietnamese biracial kids that had mentally retarded.
That's Mia Farrow. And they loved these kids, and they took care of them.
And I said, you know, I'm not doing this. They live their religion.
They're better than I am. So I just respect it for what I go.
God bless it. You know, the people that don't live it, you know, like the Jimmy Swagger types, you know.
But these people, they lived it. And, you know, they took everybody in.
And they took care of them. And they raised them.
I'm not sure Mia Farrow loved them in the right way. But that's another story.
But, Jay, you know what? I can top you any time.

I've adopted over 100 strippers.

Really?

You know that from all over the country.

And I have changed lives from here.

Over 50 girls.

No girl under 50.

Remember those?

Well, I will not miss the road, but I'm so glad that you-

Well, I will bring you tales from the road.

You're still making tales.

That's what's important.

Yeah, yeah, it's fun.

No, I mean, like, these stories about your health accidents,

they will be your stories in 10 years.

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

I didn't tell my new AI joke I had for you.

Yeah, go ahead. I had an AI experience.
I got flipped off by a driverless car. It's not a bad joke.
No. Do you purposely write, or did it just come to you? A little of both.
I mean, something happened the other night that I got a good bet out of. I on stage I said when you get to be over 65 you lose muscle mass you lose like 2% a year I said I'm at the point now where opening a bag of pretzels is like tearing a phone book in half so this kid who's like 25 goes what's a phone book I said it's a book like in your town everybody's phone number You go, what? a phone book? I said, it's a book.
Like in your town, everybody's phone number. He goes, well, how do they get everybody's number? And I go, well, they have the number.
He goes, what if you want to be in the book? I said, well, then you pay money to get an unlisted number. So you pay not, that's extortion.
I said, you know, we're not having this conversation. But I just laughed.
It was just no idea what a phone book was. But I'm surprised that you would not have replaced phone book with another word.
Because I could have told you this, that this is going to happen. Phone book is, you don't want to like, we're old enough without reminding people that we're old.
I know. So you can't be like, you know, kids, Bat Masterson once said...
But you know, you also have to be true to yourself. And it works for me.
But there must be another way to convey that idea without using the word phone. Yes, but I wouldn't have had the interaction with the guy.
And that's what's funny. The guy, not even understanding the concept of a phone book.
Yeah. Explain a paper route to a kid.
Why not just get on the internet? No, you put on a piece of paper, you go to each house. What? What are you talking about? They don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, I'm not so sure reminding them that we're old is really the best way to go. They can just look at us and see.
I know, but there's a difference between something that goes on in the mind which says okay they're they're not young anymore but they're still and they're still funny and they only still they still get across without go don't give them a reason to roll their eyes because that's what that generation wants to do is roll their eyes at you don't give them a reason reason. But see, I don't dwell on it.
I'll do 40 minutes of material before I even bring that up. And then I'm merely stating the obvious.
I mean, I remember one day, the Stones are on one of their endless last tours. And it's in my office and a bunch of interns from The Tonight Show are there.
And the Stones came on the news. I said, God, they've got to admit, they still look pretty good.
And i look over and they're like these kids are laughing look good mr little they're like i go well don't they look no they look awful i mean they just thought that was the funniest thing and it just made me laugh because i did the same thing when i was a kid tell the the story about you and Mick Jagger at Plato's Retreat.

Yeah, I didn't know that.

Come on.

There must be a story.

No.

Look at the time.

Oh, gosh.

Give me some rock star stories.

Who are your rock star friends?

I mean, you know everybody.

Everybody calls you.

I don't really have a lot of rock stars.

Really?

You know who I got friendly with was Prince because he didn't drink.

Prince. The one nobody could ever get friendly with.
No, I'll tell you a great Prince story. He used to come on the Tonight Show.
He once talked about politically incorrect. Yeah.
He was a fan. Do you remember that? Yes, yes, yes.
That meant a lot to me. Yeah, we talked about that.
Yes. But one day, I knew he was coming on the show.
So I dress up as a guard I have a bald wig on and I have a mustache you know I got a big fat suit on and he pulls in and I go Kevin please Prince he says Prince Prince Prince Prince what Prince a musician your name is Prince the musician he goes no and now he's getting mad he goes no I'm on the show I'm a performer Your name is Prince the musician? He goes, no. And now he's getting mad.
He goes, no. I'm on the show.
I'm a performer. My name is Prince.
I said, I understand. Prince what? I don't have it now.
Prince what? He goes, it's not Prince what. It's just Prince.
Now he's getting really pissed, you know. He doesn't see that it's you.
Well, I'm starting to laugh. He goes, you think this is funny? I go, yeah, it's funny.
He goes, what? Oh, fuck you. He just, he really, he fell down.
He really started laughing because he really got mad at me. That's awesome.
Because he just had this, you know, I am, I'm a huge star, all these grammys I get, and that security guy doesn't know who I am. But, you know, I said, no, it's me.
I got to think. Oh.
Yeah, he was great. He was very funny.
That's gutsy because it could have gone the other way. No, no, not with him.
With a rock star. He was great.
You know, after the show. Yeah, there were rock stars who aren't.
Yeah, I know, but he wasn't one of them. Good.
He kept the audience there and he said, can I play a couple songs to you guys? OK. You know, he played and they kind of jammed with him.
And he was great. He was really a nice guy.
What did he play that night? Do you remember? I don't remember what he played that night. What year? Well, let me see.
90s? No, no. Probably 6, 7, 8.
In the aught years. 07, 08, 09.
Oh, that far out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I mean, I left in 14, you know.
Right. Yeah.
I remember when I did the, they moved you to the 10 o'clock thing. That was stupid.
I mean, that whole episode. I only took that because they said, if you do this show, I said, I don't think it's going to work.
If you do this show, we'll pay your staff for two years. And I love my staff.
And I said, all right, buddy, two years guaranteed works. You guys want to do it? OK.
All right, we'll do it. But I knew it wouldn't last anything.
Really? Yeah. Because I thought it would.
I thought, oh, that's the right move. Because.
No, I knew it wouldn't work. You know why? Because Cavett tried it.
Cavett tried it. You're not Cavett.
And you tried it in the 60s. That's a.
At 10 o'clock. That really awesome.
And it didn't work. Well, not really.
You're not Cavett. No, but it.
I mean, that's like pizza versus sushi. It's just, you know.
Cavett was. More people are going to choose the pizza.
You're the pizza, Jay. Yeah, but TV still had a sort of, you know, it's funny when you read early reviews of Johnny.
Where's the era of Jack Parr? Where's the so-and-so? You know, Johnny was sort of like the people. Because don't forget, in the 50s, it was Playhouse 90.
Lawrence Olivier had a show where he'd come out and greet people and talk. I mean, it was a very classy medium.
And then it gradually went to the masses. But again, you have to ride the wave that comes from the ocean.
Right. I know this as a body surfer.
And you rode the wave that was going toward the shore. And you rode it right.
I think I've told you this once. I remember talking to a, oh, God, I don't know what year this was, probably the 90s, but, you know, she was a young girl and part of my mentoring program.
And I asked her, you know, do you watch Letterman? Do you watch Leno? And she was, oh, no, Leno. And I was like, why? She said, like, it's just more of a party.
You know, you got that. That, like, the era of the straight talk show was over.
People didn't have that acumen anymore. Right.
They didn't have that ability to, certainly, when Johnny started, sit through a discussion with Gore Vidal. Right, right.
When he did it, Johnny used to do an hour 45. Right, I remember.
And they would have authors on at the end. I mean, sorry, but you've got to live in the world you're living in and the society you're living in.
And you understood that. Right, right.
No. And you always kept, you know, in a way we are connected because I feel like I'm the only guy on TV who really isn't like ideologically captured by the left.
That is basically my politics, old school liberalism, but I don't hate the other side. No, but you have the most honest show on television.
Thank you. I always know exactly how you feel.
I don't have to agree, but at least I know you're not trying to appease the audience. And I don't just go with one side because that's the side.
I know. And you kept...
Remember, I told you this years ago. You kept middle America and the coast.
I told you, you used to sort of get mad because you weren't as popular as some of the other guys. And I said, but you're going to have longevity.
You're going to be around longer because you're interesting and you make people think. When you start, you're young.
People don't want to think. They just want to laugh and move.
Actually, I was more popular than almost all the other guys, and often all of them. If you went by the ratings numbers, it was just media did not want to acknowledge me because I wasn't in the perfectly woke, one true opinion.
Whatever the reason would be. I remember you used to get so frustrated, and I used to think, you know, no, it's going to work out fine.
And it has. Yes, absolutely.
You're on the air for 30 years. I know.
It's unbelievable. I've got to go.
I've got to take care of my wife. Jay, I was going to say it's a shame that the only time we see each other now is when we do this, but I don't really give a fuck why we see each other.
The fact that I can sit here with you

and talk to you, I'll do it under any circumstances, even if I have to go into a car and get burned or

some shit. I will make that happen, my friend.
Some accident. Accident again.

Thank you.

How about a man?

Oh my gosh, a hunger.

You look good, by the way.

Thanks, thanks. How's that opening the pickle

jar?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
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