Paul Reiser | Club Random with Bill Maher

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Where can we see your special? It's on Al Jazeera. And you know what? I thought that was not

at all a good match. I think you can believe yourself with that pressure.

There's nobody waiting, nobody expecting you.

So a singer and then you.

They promised me Rich Scheidner.

Hi, Billy.

Yeah.

I've got Shelley Ackerman.

And then Les Belzer comes in.

And then it's D.F. Sweedler and then you.

No, well, and Richard T. Baer also might want to do,

he says just two songs, so it'll be five.

One of them is In the Garden of Davida.

So, by the way, nice digs.

You bought the whole neighborhood.

No.

Don't say things like that because then.

What do you do? You got five houses. How many friends do you have? No, no.
I'm a simple guy. I've got one house, one car, and one plane.
A simple guy. You're a man of simple needs.
Very beautiful. Well, I never got married, and I never had children, and I never had alimony, and I never had stupid hobbies.
So the money piles up. That's it.
And this is all from late night weekends at Catch, you say. Wow.
You really saved. Well, remember when we had the union fight? Yes, I do.
And what did we end up with? $10 a night? Yeah. Well, is that what it was? I don't know.
I think it was $10 and then $25 on the weekends, perhaps. Well, for me, it was the perfect thing to write my novel about.
I wrote a novel about it. Which I enjoyed very much.
You did. You write a story.
I did. Yeah.
There's a big Michael Caine theme in there. Michael, well, that's the thing is that he was very pro-union, i was very anti and it made a great sort of political spine for a novel about i was just trying to show what it was really like because i saw so many depictions and movies and everywhere where you can't you can't describe what it's you can't you know tom hanks did it in that movie and that's tom hanks he was good he i remember he Tom Hanks.
He was good. He was great.
The movie, but the story, you know, it's never going to be a 90-minute story. Well, I mean, I remember when he hung out at the improv to learn what it was like to be a stand-up.
What was the name in the movie? Punchline. Punchline.
With Sally Field, I think was the female. The Jersey housewife became a one through becoming.
I mean, nobody's ever going to do it as an actor playing a comic better than Tom Hanks.

But it still was not, it just didn't tell us what the, so I said, I'm going to write a novel, since I wasn't getting hired anywhere, about this life and do it. And the political spine really was, I thought that we were in a situation where they're using us and not really paying us, but we're using them to get the stage time that we need.
That it was kind of a fair bargain. And Mike Cain was more, this is a friend of ours.
Not Michael Cain, the British actor. No, not the British actor.
And, you know, he was all the union. And I thought it was like, well, that's your excuse.
Because he was a great guy and a funny guy and a great raconteur. But he was never going to make it as a stand-up.
And I thought he was using I'm a revolutionary as an excuse for failure. That's really the theme of the book.
And the other guy, me, he thinks I'm just too ambitious and I'm willing to sell out. And I was like, yeah, I'm willing to sell out.
I'm willing to like. Yeah, we were all grateful for having, you know, that chance to get on stage.
Where else are you going to do it? And they were making a lot of money they were making a ton of money and so it seemed you know maybe not unionable but it's a reasonable to say yeah pay the people who are you know yeah sitting here yeah there was a reasonable middle ground which i'm sure we didn't hit or did we no no you know but i thought i think of i felt like it went up from three25 or something. Three? I don't ever remember three.
Three was cab fare. When I started, it was.
Really? You got cab fare and a hamburger. If you worked that night, you got something from the kitchen.
I remember that. That's good.
That's very nice. What is that? A little bourbon.
A little bit that your That's your lovely staff. I used to drink bourbon.
And now you don't. So, no, I really, I.
And now I don't. And now I don't.
I remember that you could get food. You just come early.
You didn't even have to work. My recollection is.
Yes. Right.
So we would all go, you know, sometimes guys, I remember Larry and Jerry going in the afternoon to get that burger. There was a kitchen about the size of this, these two chairs.
And I was just sweating guy, just angry. Yeah.
You should have a crack team of people doing it for you. You know, it's so funny.
I was thinking that. and I myself don't say it because you people people are you know no one is perfect no nobody's perfect but it makes you human but just humanize yourself but it's also but now that you mentioned it you're exactly right somebody be fired later i will not do that but yeah you have a guy who fires people and this is you know i am it does it says club

random on the glass look at you yeah one reason i'm getting off the road after this weekend is because like nobody just can do anything anymore i'm not i don't want to lay this all on the feet of the last two generations.

And yet, I'm talking about hotels like everything like just anything they just they just cannot like sort of get it together enough what from what i've seen except i must say my brilliant producer sheila has a knack for hiring people of those generations who are hard-working they never fuck up. That's why you're getting off the road, because the guy in the room service was tardy? All of it is just a...
Wow. That's not the only reason.
But every time I'm on the road this year, knowing that I'm not going to do it in 2025, I could go back. I don't know.
But I feel like once you stop. Every time I'm on the road, I turn to my great friend Mark, who's with me all the time, and I say, you know, I have mixed feelings about getting off the road, but they're making it so easy for me to not want to do this because the TV doesn't work in the home.
Really? You can't get the TV? This is the best hotel in town? You can't get the TV working? William Shatner was here a couple weeks. He was saying the same thing.
You don't find this? No. You're lucky.
No. Everybody does everything right on the road.
No, but if I've slept and I'm not particularly cranky i can roll with stuff i do get uh no i mean in a hotel saying the tvs are working there's always something stupid you know they go breakfast downstairs and you go oh it's not breakfast it's a box of cereal and an orange and it's like yeah yeah so um yeah it's a box yeah but i you know but you know because i i didn't do it for for years i didn't forget the road i didn't even do stand-up for 20 years and talk about a muscle now you got a special now i got a special with the first every 32 years like clockwork bill like that but it you know you'll find

if you don't do it for a couple of months, I would do it. Yul Brynner.
He was good, too. Yul Brynner.
No, I'm sorry. I missed.
When you said you'll find. You'll find.
Wow. Wow.
Yul Brynner. Wow.
Yeah, but it's so funny. Whenever I love the idea of going out, and then I look and I go, I don't want to get on a plane.
I don't want to go. I don't want to go there.
Exactly. And then, without fail, every time I go to stage, I go, God, that was fun.
Oh, I love that. Exactly.
That's exactly, of course. You understand.
And I just, and after a mediocre set or a shitty trip, I go, I don't need this. I don't want to do it.
And then I go, you know, I'll just go into a club and get one joke that works that I wrote yesterday. I went, love this.
It's our version of likes. Yeah.
You know, what, right? Yes. This generation has likes.
Like, they love to get liked about everything. I find it pathetic that everything you do has to get the approval of people who are probably actually plotting against you.
Because there's such a bunch of vipers, that generation, always judgy and trying to cancel and trying to that whole social media thing is a snake bit pop pop it's time for your pills anyway that you could say that but it's also true i i don't know but yes but i don't think we go down i don't think we work and we'll get laughs because we need approval. I think the approval happens to be in the laugh.

No, I'm talking about them.

They need the approval.

Right.

I'm saying this is our version of that.

This is our version of a like.

But I feel like it's of greater value than your lunch, a picture of your lunch or something.

We thought of something clever, which we think we can give to a bunch of strangers as a gift. Because

what greater gift is there than making someone laugh? It's literally therapeutic. Yeah, but I don't think any of us got into like, what can we do for these people? I think we did it because we wanted, of course.
And we still do. But at this point, we're not doing it for the money.
Right.

We're doing it because we like that feeling of i gave you this gift of laughter yeah which is why we hate it so much when they don't laugh because it's like what are you talking about this is a great gift what's wrong with you people and you're throwing you don't like this sweater you know i i i was talking to somebody about like you know did you ever have a tough night did you ever want to quit and i go no and i remember in the early early days like you know maybe in the first year of doing it on a good night something went well and you got a great response you go oh this is the greatest thing i can't wait to do it again and then you go go up on a night that for whatever reason it wasn't good. Either you were off, the audience was off.
Right. And it sucked.
And my thought was, I can't wait to do this tomorrow and get this flavor out of my mouth. And I thought, I must be in the right place because good or bad is leading me towards I want to do this.
I definitely wanted to do it again more after I did good. I'm not going to lie.
Those nights, I'm talking about the early days when we were together every night at the clubs. Those nights where it went badly, I had a rough time because it sapped me of any desire to work on my act.
I just couldn't face it. What I should have done is listen to the tape.
Because I taped every set on my little tape recorder. And I should have listened back right away.
And I just couldn't get myself to face it. No, for sure.
It is hard. Whereas if you have a tape and you go, oh, I want to hear that joke killed.
Let me find that. And then I would write down it word for word how I said it.
And it's amorphous. Totally.
It's like writing it down doesn't do shit. It really doesn't.
Sometimes it does because sometimes you have to say something in a certain order or it doesn't make sense or it will not work. They'll get the idea, but there will be no laugh.
Unless you mention A before B, you can't even get to C. No, my favorite discovery now is taking words out and going oh look at that take those two words out and that that's writing i couldn't agree erasing is having that talk with rich the other day like when in doubt take out don't add yeah don't add and i heard david mamet say the same thing about directing he said the more i directed more I realized, like every time I think I've taken out too much, take out a little more.
The audience is always ahead of you. And you see that in movies.
You know, you have to do so little in movies to move the story. You can show a scene where a cop, a man and a woman, just look at each other across the room, and you just get their physical reactions.
Cut to the wet. And we all knew what happened.
We saw the look and now they're married. We don't need to see the first date.
Was your first, I don't remember you coming in. I remember you suddenly being there in the clubs.
Did you like audition night? Oh, totally. But when I was still in college, I remember, oh, my God, it was like in the summer.
That's what I did. That's what I did, too.
I think it was August of, I don't know, 77 or something. I was still at Cornell.
Wow. And I, oh, my God, the guts to get, just to get into the city from New Jersey, you know, was like.
So I went in and I stood on line. Now, what time are you waiting on line? Because this always, this memory, because I remember going in like 2.30.
Yeah, it was the day. Because here's what happened.
I remember this. I wish I could remember this guy's name.
He was kind to me. A black guy who took me up to Harlem in between between the time because there was like we had to come back at like 10 o'clock at night to actually perform yeah if you're what am i going to do in the city yeah get a hotel room with the no money so who's the guy oh i don't know but he said you know he said come hang out with me another comic yeah he was also the guy online okay so another guy he was auditioning and so we went up to like 155th street or something and i got i think it was just a place to hang it was great yeah that's so fun i forgot about that you you get i mean you have to it's it's i remember it would get earlier and earlier they'd give out the numbers at five o'clock and then before you know it it's three o'clock one so you're taking the day off work when i was working in the song and so you get in at one o'clock you wait till five o'clock to give you a number and if you didn't get in the top 10 you were one in the morning you would get on at one in the morning so that's your day 14 hours to do five minutes i have the tape somewhere i may have told you i have i found a cassette of my very first time in college fresh between freshman and sophomore year and i have my little cassette recorder on the table right people didn't know that it was me and i listened to the tape in the middle of my five minutes i hear the guy go to his friend i'll say this this kid's got balls really i thought that's a good review.
He could have said, he's got no balls. But I had balls.
Like, he had the balls to go up with this shit material. Well, just to go up at all.
Yes. You know, I mean, wow.
I don't think I could do it today, nor should I have to. I mean, that's the passage of life.
When you're young, you just got more moxie because you have to have it. And you protect...
My analogy is sort of like, you know, babies can be underwater because they've been in this ambiotic fluid. And it's like, so I think comedians protected this shield of stupidity and naivety.
You have no idea how not good you are. And then later you go, oh.

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Pet injuries and additional coverage and subject to policy terms. Well, it was not good.
What you don't realize is that making your friends laugh or a classroom laugh of kids who know you is different than strangers. That's what you have to, that's the rude to me, that was the rude smack in the face from the beginning.
Yes, they're not your friends. And also the audacity, think about it, to watch somebody who goes up, I'm going to be funny.
It's like, well, don't presume that. We'll tell you if you're funny.
But obviously that's not the issue now. You go and you're selling out of theater and people know you.
They paid money because you don't have to, you still have to be funny, but funny but you don't have to prove it to me one of the biggest changes that solved a problem that i never really solved when i had the problem was the opening line because when they don't know you yeah it sucks when they do know you and they came they bought a ticket specifically to see you you don't have to explain yourself you know it's just yeah they know you know your opening line is please stop applauding thank you so much you know it's like there was a we're gonna have a great time it's so natural there was a guy at that time do you remember he went up and he was in a wheelchair he had something polio was not yeah i had a great it was like it was like early 70s polio yeah truly he was i mean he was he was not a kid yeah i think i do the thing you get right i do remember this right and and this club is right i keep wanting to talk to the audience to explain it narrow you get to go between chair it was tough for anybody to walk through the chairs so now i get a wheelchair and there's three guys carrying my chair and the audience is uncomfortable the audience is coming and he just they leave he's alone and the audience is so uncomfortable he waits a minute and he goes did you notice the chair i go jesus christ i said that's what an opening line should do just like i know what you're thinking let me pop it and then we can move well that's my example. It is funny.
It reminds me of Marjorie Gross's opening line. You remember that? No.
I remember Marjorie. What was the line? Don't you hate what humidity does to straight blonde hair? I mean, yeah.
And I thought, wow, I wish I could have a, I never could figure out the first line. So, never got that good one or yeah it's hard i see middleman have you noticed i don't have a chin yeah it's the same thing i mean you're into it yeah i know what you think but they appreciate audiences if that line serves to say i know what you're thinking and i'm with you.
Or that we're just starting, we're laughing already.

Yes.

And OK, like some people say, do you ever bomb?

It's like, only if you're oblivious.

Because even if your material's not working,

but you acknowledge that, and you go, all right, that didn't work.

Then they go, OK, he's not an idiot.

He knows.

So just being on the same wavelength. remember leno's opening line no see the paper see the paper what can't you get to from that did you see muhammad ali yeah well that right yeah this is when muhammad ali was fighting just way below but it could be any story yeah see the papers today see the paint yeah muhammad ali's coming, Muhammad Ali's coming out of it.
His great segue. It's the same with insurance.
What is? What is the same with insurance? By the time you realize there was no connection, he's in three jokes in. But you know, you were a much more mature person, and probably still are, than me when we started.
We had dinner a couple of years ago, and we went over this. We don't have to go through it for the people.
Go through it. I sense a compliment at the end of it.
So take your time. Well, there's a compliment right there.
You were a more mature and probably still. I don't remember being mature.
Yes, you were. Yes, you were quite mature, and I was not.
And just obnoxious. I had yet to learn that not everything is subservient to getting a laugh, including insulting people.
On stage, you mean. Or offstage, or whatever.
And in my mind, it was like, I'm at a roast, and everybody knows these are just jokes.

And of course, you're not. You're in life.
But when you're in that era when we were willing to stand on line in the sidewalk and do that, all that shit. In the summer.
And then that was just the beginning of the heartache for the years when you got no laughs or just couldn't even get on. But, I mean, that thing that we wanted, you know, that feeling was such a magnet, you know, that we could not resist.
You know, you would just keep going forward even with all the pain and the heartache. And what was really in our favor is that we had this system that rightly or wrongly, we thought, here's what to do.
go to these places and then you'll end up on the tonight show not sure how or that works but we saw enough people coming out of there and it was true and it was true if you went the different stages yes and i remember you know like sometimes you get inspired by greatness you see somebody great and you go wow okay i want to try and reach for that and often you get inspired by mediocrity and i remember being in the summer and seeing a guy go up who was like you know getting on he was sort of the headliner or a big star big shot of the club but it was just okay and then i'd be i'd go to school you know i'd be and then like eight months later I'm watching the tonight show and that guy is on and I remember the moment like who wait a second like like who was it well I don't want to say what oh no like David Say David Say remember David Say it's like he was fine and then I go oh and I was on a tonight show and the only thing he did he just went probably went up every night for the

last eight months and it suddenly became it was also a case of what he did in a nightclub was not as explosively funny or as successful in a nightclub as you know some more flamboyant act but it was perfect for tv and of course for johnny for the people who came to the clubs to you know the comic scouts who came out like pigs.

Oh, yeah, great.

He had a great career. But I remember thinking like, okay, he was still formative.
He was still working it out. And it's less than a year and he's on a tonight show and i remember thinking oh

that's not out of reach i could do that i mean i'm not there yet but if i just did what he did right and i go um and that's the thing that really moved me and warmed me when i i had not worked really for 20 years i didn't do stand-up and when i went back and started doing it it felt exactly the same as I did when I was 18 and I realized there's no shortcut the only possible way to get better is to go up every fucking night or as many nights as you can and just carve it and work it and and you're working the jokes you're working the material but you're also working your for me anyway and i think your personality is pretty established but i felt like i had to re-find my who are you right you know i remember when i would go back it's like oh now you've been on tv oh we know this guy which lasts eight seconds and then like sure what did you want to say yeah that that's the part i don't that's with anybody right it's with any comment but but it was it was uh comforting to me to see that it's it's so low tech it's just elbow grease and hard work it's almost the last low tech thing as far as i can tell yeah yeah or certainly of the things i can do well that that you can do in show business i mean it is it is maybe the last thing that looks like that. And that the audience doesn't really want that to change.
I mean, you can, people have tried to do different little things. I mean, Chris Rock, and I love him for the, you know, the spirit of let's try something different.
I always love to see people do that. But it was not a good idea.
He shot a special, taped it in three different cities, I think on three different continents, and then spliced them together. Like the beginning of the joke was in London, and then you'd cut to the punchline.
I thought it was really interesting. But not right for comedy.
It's jarring, but was certainly uh revealing of how skilled and precise his craft was it's like oh his arm was in the right exact you know like it didn't add anything it just made it just like i don't know if it added it didn't add to the comedy but it was impressive away from it it's like we were we want to be in the illusion that this is a guy who's just spieling off the top of his head. He's just talking to us.
And we've all had the experience when we were young comics and brought girls around to see us. And they saw the first time we did the set.
And they were blown away. And then they come the second time.
And they're like, oh, you told a lot of those jokes before. I thought you were a genius.
You're not that clever at all. And the Chris Rock thing just blew that right out of the water.
Again, interesting idea. Not right for...
And I think he would probably say the same thing. It was an interesting experiment.
But, you know, it's like Woody Allen movies. Like, some of them are not great, but, like, he tries to push the envelope.
He's like, he's an experimenter. Those are the people I admire the most.
It's so funny because I think of Woody Allen movies as not particularly experimental, but almost like that's what he does. And like, I'm going to wear the same pants for 40 years.
I'm going to wear the same sweater. I'm going to make the same movies.
I remember I did this little off-Broadway play that he wrote and directed, which was in 20 years ago.

He directed you?

He directed it.

Wow.

It was really, really fun.

How was he to work with?

It was a thrill.

This was before you knew anything, you know, unsavory.

You just go, it's fucking Woody Allen.

That's more than 20 years ago.

No, 2003.

That's 10 years after the unsavory.

I didn't know about it, though. I'm sure you did.
No. Yes.
Oh, you're talking about the, yes. Sunni was 93.
Yeah, no, yes. Half the people wrote him off just for that.
Yeah. I write him off for nothing.
I love him and think what's happened to him is just a ridiculous travesty of justice and says everything about the rich and the atmosphere that can obtain on the left i wrote a thing i there's a little i figure what you did one it's called kindle those little kindle books uh they're or amazon they're like mini books like 10 000 word things and i did one um it was on amazon and it was and it was just people that i've met who i admired who i've worked with from whom i've learned something and so i was and i'd gotten to work with mel brooks and carl brunette and i always learned something from each other and i had a thing in there on woody that's a great idea for him it was yeah it was called uh how do i get to carnegie hall it was the name of and um and I remember, and I had, I think, this is, I forget, it was at least 15 years ago. And I had a thing in there about Bill Cosby, and the editor goes, you can't put that in now.
I know why. I know what you mean, but this is pre that, and this is, and then I said, well, and here's another story about Woody Allen.
He goes, I don't think we can include that. I went, Jesus, I hope Mel Brooks doesn't get caught with a Boy Scout in a motel room because I got a beautiful story.
Now it's a race. Now it's a race.
Just so you did take it out? Yeah, I didn't include the Woody story. You didn't want to fight for Woody? No, I didn't want to fight for me.
No, it wasn't that, you know, it wasn't that gold. You know, it wasn't that important to me either way.
But what I remember, and it was very warming. You'll appreciate this as a comic.
It was a 99 seat theater. It was two one act plays.
I was just in the first one. And it was a two handed mostander mostly it was three third actors but it was mostly

two-hander and um about a month of rehearsals and previews maybe six weeks and that was the best time and we'd go and we'd do the thing and then afterwards he'd come back with notes and he's and and it's like and the minute the show opened he stopped coming well this is no fun now. I'm getting $200 a week.

Literally?

Yeah, whatever scale is for equity.

Yeah, it was like my room service.

It barely made a dent in room service.

But it was great fun.

But the fun of it was getting notes from Woody. And I remember one night he comes back and goes, that line, I don't know why that worked yesterday, but why didn't it work today? And I went, are you new? What do you mean? He goes, no, but why did it work yesterday? I said, because I fucked it up.
I said something. But I thought, you know, he's at that point in his 70s.
You said that to him? Yeah. Did he laugh? Yeah.
You should. That's funny.
You're in his 70s, and he's still chasing that shadow of like, but why did it not work? I went, oh, that's why this is exciting. And I thought I was heartened that like, oh, he's still trying to figure it out.
Yeah, because I would certainly ask the same question. And there are times in stand-up when we do that.
Always. And you think it's the same thing, and you just sometimes you never get what i used to call the virgin take like the first time you say it sometimes just ad-libbing it yeah or riffing on something why did it have that power and it worked and then you just because again it is so precise i mean one thing i've always liked about doing being on the road and having an act is that it was like my hobby of

like, you know, building a little wooden ship inside of a bottle. I was always tinkering

to get it perfect. And you're right.
Like it's sometimes it's, it's like a clitoris. It's just

never in the same place for more than a minute. And that's just what it is.
It's true. It's always

moving around. I'm going to try and shake that image now.
It's a delightful image. No, it's distracting.
Hopefully it's distracting. Yeah, hopefully.
It's not. It's a shitty clitoris.
By the way, I want to know what the film was. Is that where you were going? Basically, slightly off the door.
I was going to say, I don't know why, but that's exactly the right line. Two nights only.
Shitty Quintoro. I saw him open for Julie Budd years ago.
I think I was going to say I know a stripper name. There you go.
That'll work. Shitty Quintoro.
It is a very good name. But see, going back to like talking about editing, it's like I feel so efficient and successful when I've cut out two words and now the joke is tight.
Exactly. But then the next night I'll go, well, now it's working.
Let me see if I can add something to it. Like, OK.
And so it's always shifting. Getting it ever tighter.
I mean, there's two things I like tight. And one is a shitty clitoris.
And the other thing is my act. It's a bit, yes.
So we'll be back right after these words from Lavoris. Del Monte.
Del Monte's frozen peas. So where can we see your special, Ty? It's on Al Jazeera.
And you know what? I thought that was not at all a good match. Al Jazeera.
It is on anywhere you can buy or rent stuff, they tell me. I would love to say it's on Netflix.
People know what that means. But it's on amazon or or apple just rent it my sister called me she goes i have to rent your wait you can see something on both amazon and apple aren't they bitter rivals no when it's transactional no uh uh this thing probably could be here i am talking about it that way but i'm not the business i don't know where this is i've never seen this i'm not the business I see clips of this.
And people go, where'd you see it? I go, I don't know, it just came up. I have, I'm on Instagram, but I don't know how to navigate it.
So I, whatever comes up, I look at. I've never searched for something.
People go, you know, I sent you a thing. I go, I don't know how to do it back.
I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to do it.
Somebody told me to, so I did, but I'm inactive. Because I go, who wants to see the tuna melt that I had Wednesday? This is a beautiful tuna melt.
No, I mean, and this is, again, apropos of what you said before, where they're saying, Pop, you need your pills or something. And you can make all the AIDS jokes in the world you want, but something can also just be true.
So why don't we engage with the actual idea instead of just making judgments?

And is it healthy?

Is it a great use of time?

I could, I think, make easily the argument it is not.

That is a time suck.

Instagram.

Yes, all of it, most of it.

It's a time suck.

And it's why no one reads a book anymore. So do I have to pretend that that's a good thing because I'm 68 years old? That, oh, you know, I don't want to sound, that's so much of the problems on the left, I think, is that, oh, I want to be with the young and sound young.
Yeah, but the young are dumber a lot. They're stupider.
So why do you want to do that? Why don't you embrace, why don't you lean into what's actually could be working for you? Yeah, we're not as cute as we used to be, but we're smarter or we should be and wiser. You hate young people.
You don't like to. Oh, please.
If anyone is with young people, it's me, not you. What? Oh, that's actually with young people.
Yeah. What do you think I mean? Go finish your thought.
That is my thought. I've had four.
I mean, I never got married is what I'm saying. I'm well aware.
So I'm very, I love young people. And I'm here because I got a girl for you.
I got a cousin. I hang out with lots of Gen Z and millennials.
And like usually that generation, yes, they're shit. But when there's a good one, they're the best.
Yes. They are the best.
They got me through the pandemic when the kids my age wouldn't come out to play. And my millennial friends.
And I just, you know, if you never got married, you're just more in their kind of milieu. Even though some of them.
You're out in the world more. You're out in the world more.
And you're just, it's just different. See, now, is it, I don't love love going out this was an effort to come here today really well i was looking forward and i was delighted to be invited and i was happy to see you it's going well don't you think a lot of this you can be cut uh you can make a lovely five minute spot well i'm having the time of my life i am too this is like the greatest thing that's done done for me.
Whatever the money, I don't know. Because it's like having friends over, but you're monetizing.
Not even monetizing. It's like, would we do it otherwise? We went to dinner and that was fun.
This is much better because I'm stoned. It took, you know, 20 years to find a time to do it.
But like everything I do that I really enjoy doing, I want to do st Stone. And it's only a few things in life.
But like talking to you is definitely one of them. And like we just wouldn't do it if there wasn't like a job.
This is true. We're such fucking money whores.
Well, no. Well, this is, but you found a little niche.
It's like I'm going to have friends over, people that I want to talk to, and have a drink. Yeah, they're not always even people I've ever met.
But it's just fun to talk to somebody. I'll bet you Jane Fonda had no David Say stories.
Am I correct? Right. Yeah.
David Say, by the way, I looked up to. First of all, he did have a killer first, like, five or six.
Yes, he did he did you know he understood very well that sort of a tonight show spot which was the sunum bonum of show business for us um was um wasn't that sheriff's husband sunum bonum five to six minute yeah clean clean okay we're talking about the 1980s here clean uh. Five or six minutes that was clever.
It would make Johnny go, that is all relatable stuff. That's clever, clever stuff.
He had a line. He goes, yeah, so a commercial.
He always had a little tough guy air to him. Well, he had the accent, the Brooklyn.
Yeah, the Bronx was like uh so they had uh do you have a problem with alcohol call 726-3545 it's carlisle's liquors i remember carlisle was such a great choice carlisle i remember you know what i don't remember and this is this is such this is the the the stuff of the comedy club that you were talking about before that maybe doesn't lend itself to a movie. I remember, you know, comics are not really competitive.
People are competitive. I said, no, we were never.
We were always supportive. Well, I mean, you could be envious.
Wow, he got that. I want that.
But I always thought, you know, actors, 17 of you go up for the role. Only one will get it.
But a new club opens, you'll all go if you're good enough you're there next week i'm there next week there's room for everybody but you would we would often go over to somebody go hey i got a line for you or go hey yes right and i remember if it wouldn't work for us no no give it away if it wasn't something you could do yeah but another something a don't know if somebody did a bit. Like shower water doesn't get in your pussy.
I mean, I thought of that. I did that first, and it didn't work for me.
It was always another thing. If two guys had the same bit, all right, listen, you can do it in New York, but I can take it on the road.
Yeah, I remember that. That was like the Yalta conference.
Here's how we'll settle this. But I remember he was getting ready for a Tonight Show, and I had not even a line.
I had maybe two words to add or a little twist on a line. He went, yeah, that's good.
Thanks. And then I saw him doing it on the Tonight Show, my two words, whatever it was.
And I remember that being so a moment for me. It's like I said it to him here, and it came out there.

It was more proof to like, yeah, so this does lead to that.

That's great.

And I remember, it was almost more impressive than, more exciting for me than when I actually did the Tonight Show.

I was like, because I was so green, and I gave him a line that ended up on television.

Right.

Yeah, I mean, kind of. It's the most anybody's talked about him in a long time.
Yeah. He was great.
I mean, he had this, by the way, he is one of the comics who sort of is a character in that book, True Story, that I wrote, the novel. The people who were, everyone has said to me over the years like is this one this one that no it's not people you would know and sometimes it's not the people who you would think would make the better characters because they were got more famous it's the people who were interesting characters and david say i combined with some other comic we would know, to make one of the characters.

Because what was so interesting to me about David Say was he was like this ultimate pussyhound.

And he lived in an apartment in like...

Riverside.

Riverside.

Yeah.

Where is that?

Like the Bronx?

No, Riverside is here.

Riverdale.

Riverdale.

Riverdale.

Somewhere.

Okay.

In the Bronx, yeah.

With his wife, who he was divorced from. Oh, I didn't know that they were divorced but and had a son and still live together but like he was just all about the pussy like everything on the road I remember him once said to me about said yeah I STDs I I just don't get those kind of things.
And apparently he didn't. And I remember him telling me, and I think I put it in the character in the book, that he was always so hot for his wife after he got home from the road when he fucked some stranger.
Sure. That's the healthiest thing for a relationship.
So this is who I idolize. That's in my new book, How to Improve Your Marriage.
Fuck someone on the road, come straight home. Well, I was 22.
Okay, this to me was like, he was about 10 years old. But the clubs were full of guys who would never have gotten laid as much as they did, if not for the fact that you were on stage.

I never found it to, I mean, it certainly was not any cathode in the pussy beaker for me to be a comedian.

I think I was so self-sabotaging with women in so many ways in my 20s that, yeah, sometimes, I mean, first of all, yes, girls do like to laugh. But again, that thing I told you before about, like, everything in service of just getting the laugh, that didn't work well with women who were sensitive to begin with.
True. So it took a thick skin.
But what it did is if you went on stage and someone came over to you afterwards, you were already in.

It's like, because, like, you don't have to be cute.

I'm like, I've been looking at you.

I already know you.

And I'm talking to you.

But they didn't.

That didn't happen.

I don't remember.

Let me make a call because there's no reason you shouldn't have met girls.

It's never too late, Bill.

I'm not saying I never met girls, but I don't feel like they made the big, again, because I probably, well, I've always scared people a little. I don't know why.
Do you know that you are still a reference point in my marriage? Oh, of course. I'll tell it or you tell it.
You tell it because I want to see how you tell it. It's not a piece of material, but we talked about for a bunch of reasons that we've never figured out.
I've been with my lovely wife, Paula, for 42 years now, married for 36 or something. For reasons we never understood, we met when I was a comedian in a club in Pittsburgh, she was a waitress.
And for reasons we never understood, the owners, these two knucklehead brothers, were telling her, oh, you're going to like this guy, Paul. I'd never been there, never met me.
And they were telling me when they picked me up at the airport, he goes, we got a lot of nice waitresses, there's one you're going to like. I went, oh, I got it.
He goes, no, no, she's not like that. And he was sort of making this match so that when we met the next day,

she wasn't there the first night, we both were kind of like, oh,

I've heard so much.

And that was it.

So cut to we're going out immediately.

And months later, you're there.

And I said, oh, Bill's a friend of mine.

Go say hi.

And she went over to you and said, hi, I'm Paula. I'm Paul Reiser's girlfriend.
And he went, oh, sure you're a sweetheart. No, no.
That was how she remembered it. I knew you would fuck up how the retelling of the crux of it.
It's my marriage. You know how you do it.
By the way, I'll do your version. Because you quoted me, and I can quote me better than you can quote me.

I didn't say, sure you are. That is the essence.
I understand why you got there. Wow.
I love it. Go.
But it was more elaborate than that. It was not, sure you are.
It was, yes, if you wanted to boil it down to the- Do, do, do, do, do. You're talking the story now.
I remember having a conversation where the where i was just saying you know look i'm in the clubs all the time we're at this place with people a lot of clubs opening you know comics you know it's a common thing they were around the waitress and they go out and i was just trying to alert her to the fact that it might not go somewhere it might not really be as serious as you think which is hysterically funny because of irony and the fact that it's such a great successful marriage all these years later so and larry miller's i guess what i'm saying is however you tell the story i'm the asshole and i love that no you're not the asshole. But you were speaking to a truth.
It's like, oh, here's this sweet young woman. I was really trying to do a mitzvah.
I was. Yes.
And yes, it's like, oh, it's not all. Yeah.
And yeah, it's such a. I have a much more fundamental question.
Uh-oh. That I think I would love to know the answer.
Maybe you don't even know it. But what is it? I mean, the way you describe this, of these two different people who sort of independently thought you two would go well together? It was one of the two brothers.
I don't know that they were both of us. You said one said you'd like her and one said she'd like her.
No, but I remember, I don't know that. Actually, I remember the guy, one who said to me, and I think it was the same guy who told her.
But my question is, what qualities did they see in both of you that made them think, oh, these people will be right to go? You know, I remember, you know, literally this knucklehead, and it was a shitty club where they put you up in their apartment. And I remember this is like the lowest you know because comics like sometimes you get a hotel otherwise you get there's a sometimes they have a comedian condo oh this was not this was one step below that this was their fucking thing literally here's what i came oh you'll be staying with us and like this was so i didn't have the confidence or the wherewithal go yeah no no this is not gonna no, this is not going to work.
I'm going to be in a hotel. Stay in his bed.
It was a waterbed, and he was in it. And when I get there, and they go, whatever his name was, Jeff, I think, or something, Keith.
He goes, it was Paul. They go, oh, how you doing? And he gets up, and he's in underwear with a copy of Penthouse, and he gets up, and the waterbed is yours.
I went, that's where i was for three nights yeah see that's the kind of thing that i put in the book that i thought that you'd have to live this life yes to if you really want to know what it was like for us read true story because i lived it it was a good book it was a really well it just it just was first you know, I never tried to write another novel because it's like, no, novelists have one good book in them.

It's like about their formative years usually.

And then they rewrite the same theme their whole career.

I don't know that that's.

What?

I don't know that that's necessarily true of all.

The whole novelist.

How many novelists can you name that have like more than one or two great books?

Murakami.

Who?

Murakami. God? Murakami.

God bless you.

John Boyne.

Have you ever heard of John Boyne?

No.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

All right.

Whatever your point is.

Fine.

Whatever.

No, no.

You're probably right because I don't even know who these people are.

All right.

So I guess.

Well, you live in the back.

Do you know that joke?

That was my parents' joke.

There was a radio show.

So you still read novels?

Not still.

Newly.

I didn't read for years.

I think that's a radio show. So you still read novels?

Not still.

Newly.

I didn't read for years.

I used to even do a bit about how I can't read.

And certainly, if I did read, it would be like current events. You didn't read.

You didn't do stand-up.

What the fuck were you doing?

So, but in the last two years, I've suddenly gotten really into reading. And a lot of it is like, because I don't have to watch the news.
I'm just burying my head in the sand. And a lot of times I need more sand.
There's not a lot of sand. And so I've been enjoying reading novels.
But only up to like two years ago, I used to do a bit about how I can't read. And if I could read, when I do read, it's only nonfiction.
I said, because fiction, I said, wait a second. I can barely hold on to what's happening.
Did this shit happen? Don't make up new shit. Because I can only have this much.
But now I only want fiction because I've seen what's. And how did you.
And so you're saying, OK, I haven't read in 20 years. And I'm going to start with Yamamoko or whatever.
Who is it? What a clever. Why did you start with? I didn't start.
Well, how did you know about Tim Hurd? Because he's written like 90, him, Guy, and I forgot his first name. I've forgotten his first name.
He's written like 40 novels, and he's very quiet. He's sort of like the Kurt Vonnegut of this moment, like young people.

Oh, a new Murakami book is coming out.

Check it out.

I always am happy to learn.

I'm always happy to say I don't know.

I am happy to introduce him to you.

Are his books long?

Some.

Actually, maybe start with this nonfiction.

He wrote a great book called Novelist as a Vocation,

and it talks about writing. I think everything is too long.
What? Like this? This watered out to a lovely seven-minute spot. You know, when you take out the fat, you'll see this really sings.
By the way, why aren't all interviews with Bourbon? Yeah, I mean, you keep making jokes,

but this is, like, better than all my Tonight Shows put together.

I find. There's something about really, I mean,

I really worked hard to make this, like,

as close to, like, what we would actually be like

if we weren't, like, doing a podcast.

It is.

And it is exactly.

It is exactly.

I love that you have something like 47 cameras. It's two i i i it might be overkill but i salute you you know what better too many than too few yes better to have a camera uh not need one than need one and not have one you know that's how i live i live by that statement alone what do you make of these people who do do everything on camera? You know who in our era did everything on camera? Two people.
Hitler was filmed a lot. Yeah, he did like a lens.
You have also. I never, ever went there when it wasn't filmed.
I was never stepped foot in the Playboy. was never invited why really i was not uh real well you were you were you were single and yeah exactly i was i was right never in that scene i i i don't enjoy a party i i love this i love breaking that one-on-one sometimes two right three people uh a party.
A party scene, it's like it's just constant broken conversations. If you think, what's the best moment of a party? It's like, oh, when you stole, you got into a nice conversation with one person.
But the general vibe of... But sometimes it's like so many interesting people.
But then I feel like, oh, feel like oh oh i can't keep all the plates

spinning i'd rather let's get you don't have to keep them spinning i mean you know you could stop one conversation say goodbye and then have another one you know i mean like if you talk to harvey cartel for five minutes and then talk to another person he's not going to shoot you i'll try it I'll try it

I remember walking away

I was talking to another comic at the improv and and i which i used to hate i see i think i set the record for um the shortest amount of time from doing a set at the improv and getting the fuck out i i would i the hang was i found soul depleting and i remember once i was talking to another comic and I made some ham-fisted excuse. He goes, you don't need an excuse.
You don't have to go, I got to get a tomato juice. I'm like, just walk away.
You don't need a. Wow.
See, this is interesting, because I always thought of you as a very social creature. I am, but I can be, and I have that skill.
But more more i find it depleting and and uh i love solitude and i love being i do too and i love and and i have you know with with my wife we can have great time and with certain select friends go that was really good what but a part of it is because i am social and you know and a pleaser that that I try. A nightmare for me is if we'll have an occasional party at my house and I go, I got to make sure everybody's having a good time.
Right. When you're a host of a party, it's like playing a football game.
When you're done with it, you feel like you just played football. It's very exhausting mentally and physically.
If you're doing it right yeah yes you know i mean if you're puff daddy and you're just jerking off while everybody else gets the lube on them and goes at it you know jerking off get the lube no i'm making notes what i'm just saying at the freak off you know i'm i don't think it's a good host to sit in the corner and masturbate. I think you need to be— I have always been against that.
I have been against that. Exactly.
I mean, I've had many parties here, some in this very room. I mean, big stars.
Barbra Streisand has been in this room. Okay, I didn't sit in the corner and jerk off and watch them, although it was interesting, and it would have been fine to do that.
I don't think it was anything. I would imagine that if Barbara Streisand saw you in a corner and jerked it off, she would be not enthralled.
And rightly so. And rightly so, because it means you're being a bad host.
Well, you know, people who need people, if you know what I'm saying. Kids, that's wonderful.
Yes, that's her signature song. Bill needs some people.
Look at him alone in a corner whacking himself. I just watched for, I don't know, probably the fifth time, The Way We Were.
To prep for this? With me? No. That's so sweet.
No, no, no. I'm not in it.
But it's actually apropos to what we're talking about, the political spine of true story being about someone who thinks that people are being a little too self-righteous and a little too I'm for the cause when really the cause is them versus people who are accused of being sort of Machiavellian. And he did accuse me of that in those days.
And that's sort of what The Way We Were is about. She's always for the cause.
And they have that great speech in there where he's like, you know, why are we doing this? He just got punched because she's in Washington testifying. Why are we doing this? People are going to get hurt.
And for what? In 10 years, some fascist director will make a movie with some capitalist producer, and they'll do it. They'll make the movie together.
They'll play tennis together. They'll make passes at each other's wife.
And what did anybody ever die for? People. People are more important than their principles.
And she goes, Hubble, people are their principles.

And, you know, that was him.

What made you watch the movie again?

Because he was coming?

Because I was showing it to somebody,

somebody dear to me who I like to expose to movies.

It was a beautiful movie.

She has not seen before.

Because she's 11. And she had not seen Kodachrome.
I watched that not long ago. It's just so great it's beautiful it's it's got scale and scope and and uh it was yeah it was great it's amazing what the kids like what uh what have you seen lately that you said that's a great film great question and i do see them and then like name some things you know what i just saw that i wouldn't say it was great but i i loved every minute of it and i was not prepared to was jesse eisenberg and uh and uh kieran culkin in uh sasquatch uh a real pain jesse eisenberg directed wrote it two cousins yeah beautifully shot beautifully done oh I'm a big Jesse Eisenberg fan oh fuck you'll be thrilled oh and we're just like I went wow every shot is beautiful it's a lovely story no and I know him he's a great guy he's so smart obviously smart guy so smart and to your point about in film you don't have to spell everything out I kept watching going where's he gonna go with the to go with the script? I went, oh, he just actually let us sit with it.

He didn't jam it down a throat.

I was very impressed.

I thought it was a really beautiful film.

I remember years ago, I was, I forget where,

I think we were at a Met game or something.

And I mean, this has to be like 10 years ago.

It was right after Twilight.

Or no, no, it must be a little more after that. But he had done four movies with Kirsten Stewart.
And I said, you know, why so many movies with this? He said, I think she feels safe with me. And I said, boy, you tell her.
If she ever got with me, she would not feel safe. No, I don't feel safe right now.
No, of course. She and i was like i mean i didn't think i was gonna be able to but i always thought she was so attractive like and people some people some guys did not they thought she was like yeah they thought she was you know she's not a bombshell type but you're talking about like she's 97 she's 30 oh still beautiful yeah yeah yeah but i mean she's you don't sell yourself short but you got a shot no by the way if this was later in the party i would do this no and i would ask you how's the egg rolls but i wouldn't because you know what that's that's it's not the kind of comedy i do yeah you know the jokes who's in it i don't do i don't do ethnic jokes you know the ones who said that i know every bad comic you know the ones that i don't do ethnic jokes.
You know the ones. Who said that? I know every bad comic.
You know the ones that I don't do. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
Oh, man. I can still remember so many people's lines.
Oh, yeah. Because we saw them every single night.
I remember when we started, and we did the David Say and Belzer, and Elaine Boosler was, you know, taken off. And she was great.
And she was just great every night. And I knew her years ago.
I didn't see her. And we sort of became friends a few years ago.
We were doing some charity event together. And we had lunch.
And I said, you have no idea how much i used to sit and watch your set and i said remember this line you had a great line she went never heard of it and i would do i would do six or seven of her lines that she had no recollection i went why do i remember this 45 years later and it meant nothing to her but she didn't work in new york we didn't start with elaine boozle i did no you didn't i was a few years ahead of you but she was on the west coast when i when i start when i started 74 5 6 a little couple years ahead of you you started in 74 yeah it was my audition night but i didn't start hanging out in earnest till 77 but when i would come come and audition night and I'd watch and she was there

and

75, she was already

doing Merv Griffin, doing The Tonight Show.

But she would sweep in and she was clearly

on her way. But enough

for me to go, wow, she was just

talk about tight.

Her writing was so

hey. Her word,

her jokes were so well crafted, I remember seeing her out here when I drove across country when I was 21 with my college roommate in an $800 car and selling hash along the way. That's always smart.
Literally sleeping in college dorms that we just crashed. What could go wrong there? I know.
to the west coast and i remember seeing her at the comedy store at west they had a comedy westwood was it in west yes comedy stores whatever i mean i remember just what you know wow i'm in this for just being in a comedy club at 21 and it was her it was actually her an interview where she talked about you know you write every day. And by the way, writing includes taking two words out of a joke.
And I went, oh, that's the smartest thing I've ever heard. So, I mean, we talked about that before.
I realized I got that idea from reading an interview with her. Sometimes it's funny how you can, one little line or one twist on a joke makes you go, they've got it.
No, that's it. They've got it.
Because they never have much when they start because, at least on my show, it's just not like other shows. And so there's a very steep, long learning curve.
You cannot expect them to be good even in the first few years. So what do you spot?

Just a funny mind.

You know, somebody who thinks funny.

Sometimes somebody who, like, has a great encyclopedic knowledge of politics and history, which is very rare these days.

People just, especially younger ones.

I'm always looking to get younger and femalier and more diverse.

I'm always looking to get younger and femaler and more diverse. It's always got to be about merit.
I learned this on the casting side of things. The important lesson is that as an actor, you go in and you're nervous and you just hope they like me.
And I've been on the other side where producing, it's like people are coming in auditioning. You want everyone to be great.
It's like I would be, nothing would make me happier. And could you be the guy? And we were done with this bullshit.
You want somebody to come in and be like, yes, you had one line. That's all I need.
That's a funny mind. Give me that guy.
Whenever young actors, types, actresses, whatever, have asked me advice about that, that's the one thing I always say. It's like, just remember, when you're auditioning, they're more nervous than you.
They have a problem to solve that they want you to solve. But they've seen other people, and their problem is not getting solved.
They'd like you to be the guy. They would kill for you to be the, you know.
Yes, yes, answer their problems. Yeah, and it is a problem.
Yeah, that's so funny. So when you spot, so it's a funny mind.
Have you ever hired somebody on, like, one joke? Well, I don't know, maybe. I mean, probably not one, but yeah not one but yeah maybe i mean just also it's amazing how much indoctrination goes on on the left so that like when we when i read

samples from people each year to see what's out there um you know they'll all be writing about

because it's a topical show about you know maybe it was something that was going on three weeks ago, and whatever the story is. And it's amazing the way the point of view from 12 out of 13 people will be identical.
And it will not always be my point of view. And it will just be the, it's, you know what it is? It's the late night guy's point of view.
Because they all have the same basic point of view about politics, which we don't have to get into specifics. But I don't always have that, you know.
How many writers? And that's what I see in their writing. They've been watching too much TV.
They're too indoctrinated into just the liberal bubble, whereas I'm always seeing something different, I think, and seeing a much broader picture than they are willing to go there. They understand how this town works, and they watch that a lot, and they're kind of just locked into that.
And when I see somebody who is not that, who is just willing to see everything for whatever it is and is not ideologically captured by one side, just wants to see and identify what's true, that person will go a long way to impress me. But it says a lot to me that I don't see it a lot.
Like it's a very cookie cutter, exact same point of view. The jokes might be different, but the point of view in it is the same.
Are you reading it off of printed? Yeah, they submit and then I read. They write some rules.
They take take a stab at an editorial which is usually comically inept um it's amazing you watch the show and you know this and this is still what you think would actually come out of my mouth i mean it's yeah it's hard to find you know i mean you still keep in touch i remember you write every word of your own stand-up you do you ever work with somebody? Once in a while, I'll have a friend who will just play with me on this, and they'll write some stuff, and then I will change it. But no, 95%.
Because it's very personal. I mean, your stuff was always, you know, I have to tell you, there are jokes that stick in your mind just because there's something in your life that you do that the bit always comes back to you.
What's the bit? I can't even imagine. Taking a shower, and there's not enough water for both of you.
You know? Somebody told me, it's funny, somebody else told me it was in a shower bit that i did years later he said and the premise was the areas that we spend the most time cleaning are not the areas that need it most like guys were like 40 minutes here like this is never going to be dirty but your bit was that if you take a shower with somebody yeah there's just it seems so romantic but there's one of you is in the back one is not getting water and like

I have not with somebody yeah this just it seems so romantic yeah but there's just one of you is in the back and like i have never ever taken it's ruined that one that could have been a pleasure in my life and it's just like in the movies where they see they superimpose the head of the guy coming at just like every time i'm there trying to get and there's paul riser's face doing this bit. Well, I'm so honored.
One of you is not getting enough water. I'm so honored to be a part of that intimate moment in your life.
It's just terrible. That's the old, that's like literally 40 years ago.
But by the way, you know, people want to watch new stuff. I do have this special that you can watch on Amazon or Apple, wherever you can buy stuff.
And it's newer stuff than even that, by the way. What's it about? Give me some.

You know, I tell people I'm not smart enough to make anything up.

So I'm only going to tell you what happened in my life, in my wife.

And that stuff, that's not a reason to get married,

but you would have a new 40 minutes.

I mean.

Because there's only so much you can do on,

isn't it great to not be married? Because everyone's in the audience going, wouldn't know. Yeah, but I still can make it.
I know, it's working for you. But I see, I always, I always use you as an example, like, not everybody should be married.
My son, my 24-year-old, met a girl, and she's delightful, and they're they're very happy they're just going out it's been a few months and my wife's mother's you know typically so when are they going to get married i go stop that and i go don't don't there's no reason to do that enjoy this moment don't presume that it's a this treadmill that bill mawr fear and i always think like well bill mawr should not be married. He's perfectly, he would make some woman miserable.
And it's working. But everybody makes each other miserable at some point.
I never make anybody miserable. That's the thing about not getting married.
You're not also in the trough. I mean, I'm sure there are heights or depths or whatever, you know, that are.
I don't think everybody needs to have kids. Some people are like, great, I'm happy they don't have kids.
I definitely don't need to. So I salute you on your diligence.
And I salute you because, you know, I wish people would just accept that it's personal preference. It's like, why do I not like sushi and you do or whatever? You know what I mean? It's just, we're just, we're creating different people with different wiring, whatever went into it in our formative years, the way we were brought up, but probably everything is locked in by the age of five, some people say even two.
And I think the die was cast for me at like that age. Like it was just- Why? How so? Because, I mean- Had a bad relationship at two? With shit, yes.
Like, I mean, they say the anal stage, which is zero to two, very formative because it's like, how were you, you're not aware of it consciously, but you're unconscious. If you're like, if your diaper isn't changed enough, that kind of stuff, you become certain ways.
I mean, everything gets locked in at that very formative time when you're not even really aware of when the personality is set. I mean, I've had parents, I've asked parents about kids.
They all say the same thing. You can always tell, even at that age, what they're going to be like.
Really? Yeah, like that's a wild one. That's probably true.
That's what there is. You don't find that with your kids? Yeah.
I think you see certain sparks of that, and you marvel. I see pieces.
I go, wow. I see myself and my son.
I go, wow, that is your mother. And then her pieces are going, I don't know what that is.
And by the way, why should? There's nothing in my parents that you can look at my parents and go, he's going to be a comedian. It's not in there.
But, yeah, and I enjoy the pieces that surprise me, that I see sparks in my kids. I'm going, that's just you.
That's entirely you. I'm actually writing a pilot with my younger son that it's really, I'm buckling up for an interesting journey because it's like, oh, I'm supposed to be the guy that knows what he's doing.
And I'm going to try. But he's really funny and actually really creative.
And it was interesting because you're talking about before, like, you know, being the son, the child of celebrity or whatever. We were pitching, and we were just playing with, like, barest bones of the story.
I said, well, what if it's this? Could we have invited a studio and asked me to come up with a show? And it was his father-son thing. I said, well, why don't i write it with you and and he's he's a writer to begin with and we were just just jamming and and and i said hey by the way afterwards i said you did really good i said you're really good he said you know i finally understand why you had a hit show i went a what the hell did i say that you heard that and be B, like, really? Now? Just today? You figured out, oh, dad knows what he's doing.
But like, yeah, it was, I mean, it was a really. What a great moment for you.
It was a beautiful moment. Like, it's like, oh, because we're on level ground, it's like, oh, I actually see your worth and your skill.
It's like. Yeah, it's hard to get things out of your kids.
Because they're kids that you can't blame them for. That's part of just being that

you just have this

tunnel vision about, like, my needs,

my world. I wouldn't want it

any other way. I wouldn't want a kid who goes, well, my dad

is... But, like, I originally

went through, I had a reason

to go through all this old

family stuff. I labeled it in a

file. And I went through, like, through letters that were written to my father that he had saved.
From his parents? No, no, no. From other friends.
Oh, OK. These are from the end of World War II into the 60s.
Wow. Because a phone call cost money and a stamp was three cents.
And you realize, and again, these are just letters to him that he saved. So I don't have the letters he wrote to them.
Okay. Three friends of his, three guy friends.
And, you know, you realize I was alive, you know, for part of these letters from the mid-late 50s into the 60s, when he's talking about things that I was never aware of, even though I was alive, you know, like switching jobs and maybe we can do this. And like this other friend of his who was a comedian and they were, you know, thinking about doing some.
And you realize, oh, when I was a kid, he was just dad right he's there and that's great uh but i don't give a shit what he's doing or where he goes to get the money for my but you wouldn't even think to even ask those questions because you don't imagine but of course he had dreams too and he had ambitions and he had places at times when the job wasn't going well or he had to get a new one or he was just taking

care of shit and it and it just it never got to my level and that's like i don't think that goes on that much anymore no but that's it but that's a it's this part of life when you get to a certain age you realize oh so my parents were younger people and my son is you know my son's 24 and he lives in Brooklyn now and he's

and I

I'm 45 years ahead of him

whatever but I can totally remember and relate to, oh, finding your first apartment and how great New York is when you're 24 and you're single. Oh, you met a girl.
That's great. Oh, my gosh.
It's your first year. You're walking around.
You're walking along the river. It's like, oh, oh i remember that but i'm the dad now i'm not the 24 year old right and you know i did this 20 years ago i did this movie with peter falk about my called the thing about my folks and i was trying to understand my parents relationship because i was the fourth of four kids so they were just tired and tired by the time i got there and I would think but it wasn't always like this right you were 25 and you met and you went oh there's a pretty girl oh there's a there's a handsome guy and then you said let me ask you out now you're sitting watching the news and you're not talking to each other what what's that arc how did we get from there to here that's why I never got married because i've that the part you described in the beginning it was my mind is like why would you get unless you had to and this is a gun to your head this is identified even by the people who usually you know get married as the time they liked and they reminisce about it i know why if i didn have to, why would I not keep doing that part? But that's just...
You make an argument that Tartar, it certainly looks good on paper. I know, on paper.
And it works for you. And I thought, what's going to happen at the end of this? Will one of us convert the other? I will get single or you'll get married.
No, no. And then you move in.
It's the odd couple. Now it's garbage, Bill.
Apropos of that, can I tell you an amazing story about these letters? Please. So, yeah, again, apropos to like, yeah, they were 25 or whatever.
So my parents met in high school, but my father was two years, two grades younger. He was friends with, my mother was friends with his sister, I guess.
But, so they didn't really know each other well. Again, my mother's a senior, he's a sophomore, he wouldn't be interested in a kid like that.
Then, they're both in World War II, and she sees him on stage at a USO thing or something. On stage? On stage.
You know, just like being an emcee of some little show. And Belza's father didn't show.
And she's like, oh, my God, that's old Billy Marr from the neighborhood. And so that's 1945.
They got married in 1951. I don't know what happened in these six years, but the letters are certainly indicative that my father was not just seeing her.
Okay. Or maybe not at all.
But they must have stayed in contact. Right.
Like, I never asked them when they were alive. I wish I did.
But, like, people was he like saying he was with her but some of the letters are asking about him with this girl he took to the club the other night or something so plainly shit was going on and then here's the really verklempte part um he's engaged in the spring of 1951 and marries my mother in July. Not to her was he engaged.
So he broke off an engagement and married someone only a few months later who was not the person he apparently rented the hall with. And I think piecing this together, I don't have direct evidence, but I think the whole reason why is in 1951, a Catholic boy just did not marry a Jewish girl.
But your mother was Jewish? Yes, that's the point of the story. So I think at the very last minute he said, this is the woman I love.
And I didn't think I could go through with it because, again, 1951, way more outrageous a Jew and a Catholic than interracial marriages today. Interracial marriage today is as it should be, whoever you want.
But back then, Jew, Catholic, it just wasn't done. Society, families.
So I think he was engaged to some other Catholic girl, and then at the last minute said, yeah, but that's not who I love, and I'm going to just fuck it. And you never got, do you have siblings? Yeah.
Do they have any information? No. Nobody knows?

No.

It's so funny.

I mean, it's, no.

They would, first of all, even if they were alive, I'm not sure they would tell me what was going on in those years.

Well, that was, you know, when I did this movie, the Peter Falk movie, it was based on a letter that I found that my mother wrote to my father but never delivered wow ready Dr. Freud while pregnant with me she wrote this while expressing her discontent and and and and I and she shared I remember sharing I'm sharing this with your audience I had this idea father-son movie and I remember asking my mother my dad had passed and i remember no my dad hadn't passed yet and i remember saying i said father and the son go looking for the mother but why would the mother leave and my mother said this may help you and she sent me a letter i went it was like the fucking rosetta stone like oh my god that's like explains my whole life i get your relationship and well what was it was basically saying she was now married for 13 14 years i was the fourth of four kids she realized all the dreams she had for their wonderful marriage weren't going to be he was going to be dedicated to his business etc etc her discontent and i had always felt that discontentent, but nobody would acknowledge it.
And then when I reached out to her and said, oh, I get it. And she went, it's just a letter.
I was in a bad mood that day. I went, oh, motherfucker.
That's a great punchline. Yeah.
And it's like, I understand that. Yes, you don't feel 365 days a year.
Yeah, it's both. Yeah.
It's both true and some days not true. And so to me, that movie was me trying to connect the dots.
How do you get from two 25-year-olds who meet and find each other attractive and appealing to watching Walter Crosby? I'll tell you how. You fuck it up and spend every goddamn day together.
And there's just no two people on earth that interesting. You know, nobody's chasing.
You're still running. Nobody's making you get married.
You make a very fervent argument and nobody's making you. I'm just saying my whole thing is I'd rather say to somebody I miss you and mean it than with them every day and say it, and I don't really mean it.
I think you can relieve yourself of that pressure. There's nobody waiting, nobody expecting you.
I think your argument has been made. You're 68.
I think you're out of the woods. You'd be surprised.
You know, I— I mean, it's in their nature, women't know do you cut this down or do you edit these or no no if you want no i there's nothing i said nothing i said i will i will i i'll share did you happen to did you read norman lear's memoir no okay but i had dinner with him once at rob reiner's house fair enough does that count no he was you know an exceptional guy but he was a great pioneer of television he was a great and a great guy and fucking funny and really irreverent sharp right into the end over a hundred over a hundred so i i remember he was writing it for a while he was writing his career his memoir and took him a couple of years and And I remember we were going to get together. And he said, yeah, I'm still writing.
I said, what are you up to? And this is like mid-2010, 15. He said, I'm up to 1992.
I went, Norman. Don't fuck around.
I said, you're not a young man. Type faster.
Did he laugh? Yeah. Oh, he was great.
See, I wouldn't. Oh, no.
I don't think jokes about you're going to die sooner. We had a thing.
We did Phil Rosenthal's show together at Langer's Deli, me, Norman, and Phil. And he said, he got the cheesecake.
And he said, I'm going to have maybe a little piece. And I said, wouldn't it be funny if this is what kills Norman? And he went with it, and he took a bite, and he went, ah.
And I went, okay, I think it was safe. That's probably the healthier thing.
It is. Maybe I'm insecure about it.
Of course. I feel like you're going to die soon jokes are just wrong.
Well, I stop myself from making a joke to the audience like you know if i die tomorrow you will remember this we don't think you're about to die no i mean you're not a spring chicken but you don't but you know you don't but i know that you can get hit by a bus tomorrow but that's not different that's different than a hundred year old who is gonna die tomorrow it is different you know it's just but you know do you but anyway what the story i wanted to tell that. True.
It is different. You know, it's just.
But you know, do you, but anyway,

the story I wanted to tell that moved me and stayed with me, Norman told, in his book, he wrote a story and it's phenomenal, really interesting life and he shot down like 47 German planes in World War II. He shot down.
In the Civil War. That's how a good pilot he was.
He talked about throwing a party for his wife's 60th. His wife was many years younger than him.
So he's in his 80s, I guess, and he's throwing a party for his wife's 60th. Robbing the cradle, huh? and he talked about how he did this

and he got a band

and he put the thing together.

A band.

He got a whole big thing. He made a thing.
And then at the end of the party, he was like, look what I did. And his wife was going, yeah, but I didn't want any of that.
And he was in the book, and he was sharing. He's like, I wasn't being a husband.
I was being a producer. I produced this great party.
And I was thinking, wow, you're in your 80s, and you're still going, I have much to learn about relationships. I'm going, okay.
So, by the way, the fact that I haven't mastered everything, that our relationship is still in flux, and it's not to be mourned, but rather like, oh, yeah, it's a growing thing. To be perfectly balanced.
It's not a fight you want. To be perfectly balanced about this? Yeah.
I totally get that story and will tell you that Norman Lear, genius as he is in television, is dumber than me in relationships because that is something I wouldn't have gotten at 30 or probably 40, maybe 50. But certainly by early 50s, I would never have made that mistake of being the producer instead of the boyfriend or the husband or whatever.
There's a certain point it did sink into me, what women wanted and needed. And it wasn't producing.
That's correct. So my takeaway is, though Norman lived to be 102, you're saying you were smarter than him.
Yeah. About that specific issue.
Maybe it's because he was married all those years. Twice.
I mean, yeah. Okay.
But what spoke to me was the fact that this is an ongoing journey and there is a release in saying oh i don't have

it yet perhaps yeah i will get this and by the way and at the same time i totally totally do get you

going yeah well it's not a that's not an arena i want to come back in i was a slow learner and you know again not that mature for so long kind of a you know it's kind of a theme, I think, in my character, a late bloomer on things. That when I do get something, I do take pride in whatever lessons I have learned or mastered.
There are things that I had on my list of New Year's Eve resolutions for 1975. I'm not making this up, that I still am working on.

Like, I was still like, oh, God, I had that on the 75 list.

This is going to be the year.

But this goes back to what we were saying about, oh,

that our act is better now than it was six months ago.

It's like, that's nothing to be ashamed of that, like, oh,

I haven't licked that problem yet.

But because, by the way, if you do check everything off, oh, I haven't licked that problem yet.

Because by the way, if you do check everything off, well, then I guess I should die if you get everything right. I mean, no.
I do a bit in the special, I do a bit about do unto others. It works in life and it doesn't work in marriage because many things that I would have done unto me, she don't like done unto her.
And literally last night, we had a really interesting argument. And I said, well, because I expressed what I was, she did something that annoyed me and I expressed it in my vernacular.
And she goes, well, but you're being, you know, you didn't just come out and say it. I went, right, because I was trying to say it how I would say it she goes just tell and i realized what's that balance between here's how i say things but no i have a partner let me try and accommodate and here's how she might best hear it and it's frustrating and it's certainly a battle that you have opted out of yeah that's the one thing i could never take in relationships it's like you have all these little fights sometimes.
Sometimes you don't even know what you did. You look at the waitress for two seconds as long.
Have you had long relationships? Oh, absolutely. Okay.
Yeah. I don't mean with management.
I'm talking about girls. Like five years.
Okay. Three years.
Okay. Yeah, I've had.
I didn't know that. I get the drill.
I certainly have had the starter program for what a marriage is, monogamous and multi-year. So I feel like I am qualified to comment on it.
And the problem is that nobody ever really forgets where they buried a hatchet. So you have these little fights.
And again, you know, she's got a puss on her. Now, why? I didn't even know what I did.
So, you know, then I start acting bad. And then you patch it up.
You always get over it. But it's like a car.
You get a little ding. You get a little dent.
You get a little scratch. And then you're driving a piece of shit.
Well, listen, it's, you know, it's just like there's certain people who shouldn't drink. You should not get married.
You should not be. Right.
It doesn't seem as you know it.

And for years, for many, many years, I was so inculcated in this idea that is just in the culture that you do have to, like, find as an Easter egg this perfect person, you know, soulmate. All that stuff that is seeped into the culture and everything, all the movies, every idea, TV shows, talk shows, chicks on TV talking.
And it's all that idea of the perfect person and the one and the soulmate. And it's like, hmm.
Not for everybody. Well, and possibly not even out there.
Or, you know, the other thing is people get to- Oh, it could be out there, but it's not something that you're interested in. But the idea of just one person being like the only one for you, people get divorced, people die, and then they have another person.
You know, so we're a little more malleable. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't, you know, I couldn't quite imagine somebody being more right for me than my wife. Yeah, but that's lucky.
But I could also, hypothetically, if we hadn't met, it would have been that person. Yeah.
And we would have had the same journey. It's like religion.

It's not a mystery. You're a religious guy, right?

It's not a mystery why if you're born in Pakistan, you're a Muslim.

Right.

It's just the same thing with, well, I guess Jews is different.

What do you think about the Jews these days?

I've got to tell you, it's not so fun out there as it used to be. Am I wrong? Am I right, ladies? Is there not a lot of Jew hate out there? You know, there seems to be.
I have noticed. I have noticed.
So if I understand correctly, it's not like tomorrow you're going to wake up religious and married. If I gleaned anything from today's little drinking session with you.

No, I feel like religion and marriage do have a lot in common.

Actually, what really has a lot in common is marriage and communism.

Because I feel like they're both grafted onto an ideal of humans that is not realistic. Communism, the idea that we should all be and could all be unselfish.
Yeah, you make a valid point. I love it.
You didn't want me to finish with this. No, I know, I know.
It makes you exactly right. It's like, yeah, we're not unselfish people.
We're not unselfish people. And thank God.
Yeah. I mean, I got to say, America, you know.
Not a fan. I am a big fan.
I'm a big fan. Are you? Aren't you not? Come on, man.
I haven't watched the news. Yeah, I'm a big fan of America.
In theory. With all the bullshit.
I would rather live here than anywhere else. Okay, that's all I'm saying.
But I'm so not thrilled with this moment. Nobody's thrilled with this moment.
Well, I mean, there are actually people who are very thrilled with this moment, and they're doing this. Talking to Kash Patel this morning.
He is. But, you know, even with all the bullshit i mean it's like you know let's see yeah it's still it's amazing it's actually amazing the way it just it's like my dog it just keeps going you'd think i'd be dead by now and it just keeps fucking going well this is why you know this relates to why we love stand up and why we loveing, or for me, let me speak for myself, narrowing my focus.
Like, boy, if I look at the big picture, it doesn't look good. So I'm going to work on this line.
I'm going to read this book. I'm going to talk to this friend and keep it small.
And the truth is you're probably going to be able to keep doing that. God willing.
No matter what's going on out there in the world. Of course, the worst things could happen.
Trump could get into office and blow up the world on day one. But, you know, I'm not going through the same spielkes I did last time.
Really? Yeah. When it happens, wake me.
But I'm not giving my mind over to it again. and I'll see what happens.
And one thing I've learned about the future is that we're very bad about predicting it, and whatever you think is probably likely to happen probably isn't going to happen. I didn't actually watch election night.
Did Harris not win? I feel ill-equipped to have the conversation. You have not lost a step.
I remember first knowing of you when you went underwear shopping with Mike. With Michael Caine.
And got the part. And ended up in diner.
Diner. From underwear to diner.
And I remember thinking at the time when the movie could talk about it. And then I saw the guy.
And I was like, oh, I see why that happened. You know? I see why he got that.
So. And you still got it.
Still got it. This is very fun.
Do you do this nightly? Because I am free. I have nothing on the books.
Not weekly. Because I only allow myself a couple of drinks a week.
Is that right? Yeah. I'm so glad you squeezed me in before your big show tomorrow.
I'm glad you squeezed. You want me to stand up too? Yeah, I do.
Do I have to leave? But I have so much more material. Alright.
Thank you, buddy.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's not a TV.

That's not a monomer.

It doesn't help us.

All right.

Watch.

We walk into the sunset.

Some beautiful music.

And it'll be something.

You'll have something. Oh, I have a microphone dragging from my ass.

This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name.
It sounds like a nightmare, but for millions of people each year, it's reality. And here's the scariest part.
By the time companies tell you your data was stolen, it's already been nearly a year, 277 days. That's how long on average hackers have to use your social security number, open accounts, take out loans and destroy your credit before you even know you've been exposed.
By the time you get that breach notification email, the damage is done. Your identity stolen, your financial future at risk, and the company that lost your data, they'll just apologize and move on.
Hackers aren't waiting. Why are you? This can all sound really scary, which is why I'm so glad we're partnering with Aura.

Hackers don't wait, so why should you?

Aura monitors the dark web 24-7 for your phone number, email, and social security number.

Because the moment they show up for sale, criminals are ready to use them. If Aura detects your info, you'll get an instant alert, so you can act before the damage is done.

What if your identity is already stolen?

Criminals can take out loans, max out credit cards, and vanish.

That's why Org is a great deal. instant alert so you can act before the damage is done.
What if your identity is already stolen?

Criminals can take out loans, max out credit cards, and vanish. That's why Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance and a US-based fraud resolution team that works around the clock to shut down fraud fast and get your life back on track.
Your personal data is a gold mind for hackers hackers and Aura helps lock it down. With a VPN for private browsing, data broker opt out to stop companies from selling your info and a password manager to help secure your accounts, Aura gives you the tools to fight back.
For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online. All for free when you visit Aura.com slash defense.
That's Aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's A-U-R-A dot com slash defense.
Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details. Save on family favorites at Safeway.
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