Move Motherf@#$er!

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Conan O'Brien needs a fan.

Want to talk to Conan?

Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Hello. Hi, Rianne.
Welcome to Conan Needs a Fan. Hi, Rianne.
How are you? Oh, gosh. This is really afternoon.
Hi, I'm great. How are the two of you? It was very nice to meet you, Rianne.
Tell us, where are you right now? I'm in Taguig, Metro Manila, Philippines. Yeah.
The Philippines. And how do you pronounce it again? Taguig? Yes.
Oh, you did pretty well. Yeah.
Taguig. Perfect.
Just say I did very well. It sounded a little patronizing.
Yeah. Don't say pretty well.
Next time, say very well. Okay.
Rianne, it's nice to meet you. And you're from Taguig, Philippines.
And I've never been to the Philippines before. Maybe you could tell me a little bit about yourself.
What do I need to know about Rianne? I'm 29, but I stand at 4'10". So even for a Filipino, I am quite short.
Okay. So average height for women is about 5'2".
I struggle a lot going through life as a vertically challenged person. Well, Rhianne, I am also a vertically challenged person, but the other way.
So there are problems. I'm a bit on the tall side and I'm always smashing into things.
People laugh at me. They play circus music when I walk through the room.
So I do have some sympathy. Tell me, you struggle.
What things do you struggle with being four feet ten? What do you struggle with? So there are a lot of just the world isn't built for short people. I think you genuinely have it better.
So just going to the grocery is a challenge. I don't like going without my boyfriend because I don't like asking for help to reach the top shelves.
Sometimes going to the theme park. Can I ask you how tall is your boyfriend? He's 5' not seem tall to you but he's taller than i am yeah to you he's like the rock you know exactly yeah to me once you hit five five there is no difference between my boyfriend and conan you're all tall to me yeah we're all just up there clouds.
Exactly. So you don't like going to the grocery store and you said you don't like going to theme parks? Yes.
Always a tense moment finding out whether I can go on a ride or not. Driving is a challenge.
I have to sit on a pillow to see over the dash. Wow.
And what about your feet your feet i mean the pillow will get you high enough but what about your feet what do you do there to get exactly so there is a perfect ratio i do not like other people driving my car because it moves the seat and then you got to find the ratio again so yeah that's a challenge yeah um get mistaken for a child a lot. Your life, yeah.
Oh, people think you're a child? They pat you on the head and things? Exactly. Especially when we're traveling in the States, I get carded a lot and they don't accept our driver's license.
So I got to grab my passport and whip it out. One time a TSA agent we were going through so I went through and then he was like to my mom minors gotta be accompanied by adults and my mom was like she's 22 she's not a minor and the guy was genuine you are not 22 so wow Okay, so you've struggled with this.
And do you like to drive once you are not 22 so wow okay so you've struggled with this um and are you do you like to drive once once you are driving are you and you've got the seat just right and you've got the pedals just right and you're comfortable are you a good driver i am a competent and law-abiding driver I may have a bit of road rage when it's deserved. Okay.
The way you said deserved was insane. You haven't driven in the Philippines.
You would understand if you were here. Okay.
Can we act out your road rage? Because I want to see, Rianne, what it actually looks like.

So you're driving and then I'm in a car next to you.

I'm driving a bright red Buick LeSabre.

And I suddenly cut you off in my bright red Buick LeSabre.

Show me what you would do.

Fuck.

Move, motherfucker.

I'm just kidding. It's probably a lot more like, I swear in Tagan.
Wait, do you always... Puta nga ng gago.
Do you always... Fucking pick a lane.
Do you always giggle in between move and then motherfucker? Do you always go, move? Yeah. Motherfucker.
You're like the Joker with Tourette's.

So, say it to me again,

how you would do it in the Philippines.

I just want to hear it.

The whole thing.

The whole run.

I just cut you off.

Go!

Fucking move, motherfucker.

Yeah.

Nice.

Don't be apologetic.

I mean, let's get that out on a rap track. You know? Move, motherfucker.
Yeah. Yeah, that would be a hit, I think.
I want her to say it, though, specifically, because you have a good, like, I could tell you get angry. Yeah.
I'm the same. Come on, one more time.
Let's hear it. Just.
Don't stop giggling. Just say move, mother.
No, stop giggling. I need you to show me your true rage, Rianne.
You're not talking to Conan O'Brien on a Zoom from the Philippines. This is real.
Three, two, one, go. Move, motherfucker.
I love the laughing afterwards. I keep thinking about how my mom's going to listen to this.
Oh, your mom isn't going to hear this. Does your mom even know who I am? Oh, yeah.
My parents love you. You're their favorite late night host.
Oh, that's nice. My dad thinks you're hilarious.
Oh, good. I think my mom likes you.
My mom likes you the best because you're the one that went to Harvard, she says. Wow.
She's an Asian mom. Always the best sign of who's funny.
The funny one must have gone to an Ivy League school because that's where the funny people come from. So your challenges in life, if I can sum up, Rianne, are that you wish you were a little taller, right? Because you are, did you say four foot 10? Okay.
And you have to rely on your towering boyfriend who's five foot seven. You don't like going to the market and you don't like going to theme parks because they think you're a child yes and then you have an insane road rage when you're driving through the philippines is that right yeah what about concerts insane exactly yeah so now you get me i do i never i never like sit in the or stay in the mosh pit section because i'll get crushed and i will not see anything so i stay up in the stands where it's safe and i can see things yeah but also concert you probably have a good view sometimes but then someone else stands in front of you and blocks your view and you want to get mad at them but then it turns out it's an eight-year-old not an eight-year-old

I'm sorry. I meant to say nine-year-old.
Well, you seem like, I know that you have these challenges, but you seem like you're having a good life. You seem like a happy person.
Yeah, pretty happy. I guess I i've adapted to it like you change your personality a little bit when you're tiny to keep up with all the other talls of the world you call us the talls is what you call us yeah yes we're like the white walkers the talls are coming they can only be killed with a with blue ice the shorts have their own organization and we refer to you as the tall shorts versus the talls well let me ask you something rianne if i were to come visit you what kinds of things would we do together well first i think i need your help to run errands.
I think if it's okay with you, I would like your help first to just generally send a message of unity with talls and shorts in general. Oh, you want me to go with you, run errands, right? Because I can use my height to assist you.
Exactly. But you also want me to be kind of an ambassador? Yes, exactly.
Just to show people that short and tall people can coexist and help each other. Yes, yes.
It's like that song, Ebony and Ivory. Exactly.
Except there isn't one for tall people and short people. And we need that.
So we'd write one of our own. Yeah.
Yeah. We'd write maybe a song about how tall people and short people should all live in harmony.
Correct. And then after that.
I don't think tall people and short people are constantly at war. I don't think there's a big battle.
The talls versus the shorts. I don't know if, yeah, I don't know if that happens.
But at concerts, like, you probably have stood in front of a shorter person. I love to do that.
Conan! I love to sit in front of a shorter person, wait till the really good part in the concert, stand, and then put on an Abe Lincoln hat. Just to completely block.
I think it's funny. What a dick.
Yeah. That's awful.
Yeah, I wear a t-shirt that says I'm a dick. Oh.
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Have you ever been served an ad that wasn't intended for you? All the time. You know, for a while I kept getting ads for expensive pots and guess what? I don't cook.
I have never cooked anything. I once tried to just boil some ramen and guess what happened? There was an explosion and three buildings were destroyed.
So when you want to reach this, that was, that ad should never have gone to me for a special pot. It's a lot of buildings.
Yeah, a lot of buildings went, and I had to flee the country for a while.

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Oh, watch your step. Wow, your attic is so dark.
I know, right? It's the perfect place to stream horror movies. What movie is that? I haven't pressed play yet.
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Jimmy, what have I told you about scaring our guests get at&t fiber with all five and live like a gagillionaire limited availability coverage may require extenders at additional charge hey ryanne do you think that because of your size, you say it affects your personality? How does it affect your personality at work? Do you ever think you overcompensate at work? Maybe not overcompensate. Just be a bit more assertive.
Because sometimes if I say something, maybe during a meeting, the reaction can be a little bit like, good job, kid. Great, great idea.
No, that's very, that's patronizing. Our new intern is just, yeah.
And they like to, they always end up calling me Riri. I never introduce myself as Riri.
It feels like a microaggression. Like, why are you diminutizing my name? Yes, your name is...
I mean, if people call you Riri, they should have your permission. You should be telling them that's my name.
People are calling you Riri without your permission? Mm-hmm. I think it matches the visual more.
Well, I don't like that, that has to be with your permission and maybe if I'm with you because I'm not just tall but I'm also very strong and a good fighter, quiet are you? oh okay she's surprised cool it riri no but what i'm saying is i would um i would stick up for you if i was with you i would stand next to you and i would stick up with you and no one would call you riri when i was standing next to you okay no one would block your view no one would be condescending and uh i would be your

protector your guardian angel what do you think of that i think that sounds perfect and would very

much like for that to happen do you do you think knowing what you know about me that i'd be accepted

in the philippines i think there's a lot of places you wouldn't fit like generally stuff is built

Thank you. me that I'd be accepted in the Philippines? I think there's a lot of places you wouldn't fit.
Like, generally stuff is built. So I was looking around my office the other day, genuinely thinking that whether, would Conan fit into this? Would Conan fit into the elevator I just got in? I think- I'm sorry, I meant culturally accepted.
Culturally. Not what I physically fit through the doorway.
Right, right. Are you living in here? Rhiannon, are you living in Legoland? I mean, what's going on? No, no, no.
Culturally, we're typically very welcoming. We're a super friendly population.
But I think what might help you more is if you claim to be a little bit Filipino. You say you're 99% Irish, right? 100%.
100% Irish. Okay.
So you're saying you think I should lie and say that I'm part Filipino. Is that what you're saying? Because Filipinos will claim anyone

who just has like 1% Filipino DNA

and immediately love you.

They'll go kababayan,

which means like countryman.

Okay.

Well, I don't want to be guilty

of cultural appropriation,

but if I have your permission to lie

and say that I'm 1% Filipino,

then I think i have your permission i can do it yeah i mean is it a lie or can we just not know definitively it's a lie it's an absolute lie yeah such a lie no one looking at me thinks there's any an iota iota of fil. Of anything that's not just a white Irish man.
Okay. Not even a tiny little drop of anything.
Not a point, like 2% of you. Nothing.
No, it's possible. No, it's not possible at all.
I could be Cuban. I'm very.
Okay. Very.
Tan up real nice. Tan up real nice.
Rhianne uh this is a good this is a good education for me i'm going to tell you here's what i'm going to say i think that um you seem like a very funny person you have a good sense of humor i like i like your i like rianne's personality a lot i like rianne too i like you a lot i think you Yeah, you seem really cool. And so I bet you're getting through life just fine,

even if you're a little shorter than you'd like to be. I don't think that's getting in your way.

Are you in your apartment right now? Because there's a cat behind you.

Yeah, I just know this here as well. Yes.
I went home and that's my cat.

That's your cat. What's your cat's name?

Cat. It's a type of small orange your name for your cat is cat cat cat cat cat okay very good okay and that's your sofa behind you is that sofa i'm sorry i'm just i don't know i don't know what cat is that your sofa that's that's a that's sofa behind you in your apartment.
Is that sofa? Conan Good. I'm sorry.
Are you asking? I'm just, I don't know. I don't know what...
Is that your sofa? That's a, that's a, that's sofa behind you in your apartment. Is that yours? It's called fishing.
I'm the fishing, I'm the fishing magician. Can you wear heels that are as high as you can possibly want them to be? And you're, you're like, you know, that's the thing that's cool is that you could wear the highest, heels like six seven inch heels have you ever done that have you ever put on heels that make you six or seven inches taller not six or seven inches maybe four inches but they hurt i know but sometimes the things we have to do you know if you put on seven inch heels and and then you wore a Burger king crown you'd be a very tall tall drink of water so it has to be a burger king crown though i'm sorry i think which they would give me because they think i'm a child yes unfortunately that's true yeah probably does that ever happen where you go and they give you kids toys and things because they think you're a kid oh i get given the kids menu quite a bit in restaurants oh really fine kids menus are fun yeah do you like chicken nuggets and french fries and have they ever handed you macaroni and cheese have they ever handed you crayons with your menu oh no i don't that's a thing here.
Probably if it were, they would have. That's an American thing.
They give the kids crayons. Do they do that with your kids? All the time.
Yeah. Yeah, it's cute.
Yeah. It's sweet.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's appropriate for those kids. Okay.
Rhianne, it's called editing and we're going to do some, but this is fantastic. We've got everything we need.
I mean, it's really great. And I think you and I would have a good time if we went to the Philippines.
What kind of errands would we run together? Going to the grocery store is one. Backing me up at work, probably.
Helping me stand. If I were going to, say, an improv show or a drag show where it's standing room only maybe you could help muscle the crowd so i can see better or you say you're strong just lift me on your shoulders so i can see better at the shows okay that's all that all sounds like stuff i could do create Create a barrier around her.
Some people can't stand.

Yeah, I could create a barrier.

There's a natural barrier that comes with my celebrity.

People are like, oh my God, it's Conan O'Brien

and they tend to step back.

I'm going to say in awe, which isn't true.

But I could help you.

I'd help you.

You want me to come all the way to the Philippines so you have a better view at an improv show? Correct. Sounds like a great use of your time.
Wouldn't you agree? I'm not nothing else much, so I might as well do that. You could be like her bodyguard, you know, and then walk around.
And also you add extra inches with your hair. Maybe you could pompadour it up a little bit too i mean just a lot of i don't know illusions you mean me you you add inches to your height with your hair i mean maybe she can do her hair so that's a little higher ryanne could do a conan yeah if you had my hairstyle you'd be six inches taller no you, you don't want my hair? Yeah, maybe I should stick to my lane.
It looks great on you. It looks great on you.
Thank you. Love it for you.
Yeah, love it for me. Just not for any other human.
And tell me just before we go about your boyfriend. What's his name? Carlo.
he's a good guy? Yeah he's a lawyer so that comes with a lot of hurt okay he's a good guy he's a lawyer well I look forward maybe I'll meet Carlo too is that possible? Yeah he's also a big fan we love to listen to the podcast oh good you listen to the podcast together good i don't want carlo to be i don't want carlo to be jealous or anything if i come to town you know sometimes it's a hard laugh why are you laughing at the very idea that carlo would be? No. I'm a threat.
Who's laughing? I think I'm a real legitimate threat to any male. Why would you laugh at that, Rhiann? I was.
Okay, forget it. I'm decided no Philippines.
You are a legitimate threat. Okay, now you sound like.
I was laughing at him. I was laughing at my boyfriend.
Now you sound like a hostage.

Yeah, you are.

So scary.

Well, Rianne, you're really funny and you seem really nice and cool.

And I hope our paths cross.

But in the meantime, I want you to walk tall.

Because your spirit, you have the spirit of a giant.

And that should be enough, don't you think? It means a lot coming of a giant. And that should be enough.
Don't you think?

It means a lot coming from a giant.

Well, thank you very much, Rianne.

And you take care.

Thank you.

And you guys take care too.

Bye-bye. Lovely to meet you.

Bye.

Nice to meet you.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair.
Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samplesples, associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm.

Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.
Looking for a snack that's better for you and irresistibly tasty? Grab a bag of Skinny Pop popcorn. The original ready-to-eat popcorn is made with just three simple ingredients, and it still delivers all the light, airy, and satisfyingly salty flavors you love.
Share a bag of Skinny Pop with your favorite people, or just keep it to yourself for some endlessly enjoyable solo snacking

that lasts and lasts.

Deliciously popped, perfectly salted.

Skinny Pop.

Popular for a reason.