Grand Theft Rickshaw

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Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Hello. Oh, hi, Rusty.
I'd like to apologize. Oh, hello, King Coco the Red.
Yes. Podcast plunderer.

Thank you.

Freckle fiend.

Freckle fiend. Unholy puppet of the gods of mischief and mayhem.

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My girly, the wise ass.

Hello, assorted minions and henchmen and Aaron the Nerd what's up oh my god who I have to know who are you identify yourself sir immediately I am sir Rusty Rustamirani from Mumbai, India. Oh my God, your name is Rusty and you live in Mumbai, India? Absolutely.
I don't think I would have guessed that, but I wouldn't have guessed anything. Nothing you said after that intro would make sense to me.
From one cartoon character come to life to another, I would expect. Rusty, I love you already.
I really do. You seem like an amazing person.
What a burst of energy and joy from Rusty. Rusty, tell us a little bit.
And it's only 1.30 a.m. at night, you know.
Sorry about that, Rusty. I'm not even caffeinated yet.
I'm not even caffeinated. So can you believe that? Yeah.
I don't want to see you on caffeine if this is you without caffeine. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Let me slow it down here for a second.
Your name is Rusty. Sure, sure, sure.
Rusty Irani, and you are from Mumbai, India. That's where you're talking to us from.
And tell us a little bit about yourself, Rusty. Well, I'm from Mumbai, India.
I am born and brought up in India. The accent is a result of me having traveled to the U.S.
since I was 13 to find a cure for the disease that I suffer from. So I'm on a wheelchair.
I've been on a wheelchair all my life. I suffer from this progressive neurological condition called spinal muscular atrophy.
It's SMA for short. It's got the world's most expensive drug right now, which I won't ever have access to, because, you know, it's, I don't fall under the compassionate user program.
So it's a progressive disorder, where my body doesn't make this protein that like helps my nerves to, you know, create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow. So hence the atrophy bit.
And yeah, I was a kid. Can I ask you quickly? So you have this ailment.
It's a progressive neurological disorder. Progressive disease.
And how do you get it? So I could walk as a child. And then I met with a bike accident at the age of nine.
Go figure. Like, you know.
So yeah, met with a bike accident. And I've been on a wheelchair for the last 35 years.
Okay. And I've driven different wheelchairs since then.
And I went to school here in Mumbai, and then I went and studied English from a college here in Mumbai. I majored in English, got my first degree in English, and then I had this bug up my ass because I loved films.
And during the whole period of my convalescence as a kid, my mom opened the whole world cinema and books and because i could not speak as legibly and as articulately right now as i'm speaking with you guys here i i used to only speak with the head nod and like speaking like this guy like all every typical indian how we usually tend to talk and uh so my mom opened like the whole world of books to me and like cinema and cinema that is not meant for like a nine nine-year-old. Like, you know, I was exposed to like all the Arnold Schwarzenegger stuff and all the Sylvester Stallone stuff.
Yeah, that stuff isn't meant for adults either. I'll be honest with you, Rasky.
You know what? I'm very impressed though because... And I thought like all Americans spoke like Arnie.
Yeah, exactly. So you're walking around Mumbai as a kid.
And Sylvester Stallone. Four score and seven years ago.
Welcome to Mumbai. Yeah, exactly.
Rusty, first of all, I just love that clearly you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such... All pun intended, yes.
Yeah, but you have such a fantastic, I don't know. You have such a fantastic outlook.
You're so funny. You're...
I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on like reality television with like an inspiration porn story. Like I'm like, I don't even have like those kinds of stories.
Like it's all my life, it's all about this wackadoo incidents that's been happening with me like you know it's like one crazy adventure after another and like i can't see myself sitting at home and like you know moving about this shit but i'd rather like you know joke about it and like you know crack a smile and like go on with life because it's hilarious to me like you know i don't know how some disabled folk can like you know just make some kind of inspiration porn story out of their life. Yeah, self-entitled prex, but me, I'm different.
So I like just putting myself out there. Yeah, yeah, you can laugh.
I'm allowed to make these jokes. I mean, you have an amazing spirit and an amazing attitude, Rusty.
And tell me, what's it like? Thank you, Sir Conan. What is it like to be someone who's in a wheelchair in Mumbai? What's that experience like? Well, first of all, they all think like I'm some kind of a...
Like you've been to Thailand, right? I mean, I saw the episode. So you remember all those tuk-tuks in Thailand, the small little rickshaw scooters?

Bombay is full of those.

So every rickshaw guy thinks I'm like some new competition in town.

So the moment I step out of my home,

either, and I'm a big guy.

I'm like almost like, you know, 56 inches across and I'm like six foot two.

So I'm on this chair and everybody thinks I'm just out for a ride.

The seriously creepy part about my disease is I don't look disabled. Like, you you know when i speak like this and when i'm like sitting with you guys here you would not even realize like you know i'm like now i can hardly function in terms of like my motor skills and my ability to like you know even transfer myself but when i'm out there like from the local transportation buses to like guys on like the the cows and the dogs everybody like ch me.
If someone's trying to run me off the road, it's mayhem. And Mumbai roads and Mumbai infrastructure is not even meant for like regular pedestrians.
Let me tell you that. So they're not because, you know, in the United States, there's a lot of rules and regulations about, as you know, because you visited here, about wheelchair access and making sure that people that use wheelchairs...
But I'm sure you guys also know about this, because if you've seen the documentary from Crip Camp, you know the kind of struggle the disabled guys in the U.S. had to go through to get the kind of facilities that he got.
Exactly. It was like such a...
They actually went and took over the town hall in San Francisco. You know, I wish I could do that, but nobody here would like even come to support me.
First of all, I would not even be able to make it to the town hall here. So like, you know, that would be like a challenge.
Right, right. Well, it doesn't sound like it would be much good anyway to go to the town hall.
It doesn't sound like it would be receptive. Exactly.
So what, if I were to come to Mumbai and you and I were to hang out together, what would you want to do with me? What would you, what would we do together? The first thing I do is put you on a wheelchair, like, you know, without causing you any bodily harm. Like, you know, we just, I mean, this big guy on a wheelchair and this other tall freak on the wheelchair, like, you know, causing Easy there, buddy.
Easy. I mean, have you seen the attitude of the Indians towards, like, any person with, like, pale skin? Like, you know, you would be, like, the star attraction here.
Like, you know, like, I could pay, I could get money from people to just have you on the streets, like, going over rams like Evel Knievel. Hey, this isn't a circus, Rusty.
It sounds pretty good. You can't just say, behold, the Conan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time I try to get into my vehicle, I have like an audience of 15 to 20 people.
Like, you know, if I had charged them, I could have earned enough to like, you know, pay for some medicine for my disease. Like, you know, that's the first thing I would do.
And the other thing I wanted to do is like, you know, I want to get all this pent up energy and all this pop culture, like crap that's full of my like experiences. I want to start my own YouTube channel.
Like, I've already, I've already trademarked a name called Willie vision. Willie vision.
I don't think Willie vision. Yeah.
It's, it's a channel by the disabled for the disabled. And it's got nothing to do with like sad stories.
It's all one day dedicated to like you know doing actual wheelchair reviews like you would do like a car car review but this sounds like a fun talk show this sounds like a fun cool channel and it sounds like you also are seeing for a long time it sounds like you would want to do a lot of comedy too oh i i mean from everything from like a key and peel kind of like a skit comedy show where no holds barred like you know like like two blind guys having sex using dotted condoms where like the condoms are in braille so you get to learn new things as you're having sex okay i'm writing these ideas down blind guys using condoms with braille um this is and then like you, you know, somebody with, like, a sign language interpreter

going with a deaf guy for a singing competition,

and the interpreter does the singing,

but the guy who's actually deaf and mute

gets to win the prize because, you know, they're...

So you're just sitting around thinking of this stuff.

Yeah, I think about...

I wake up at night thinking,

what if it's the next zombie apocalypse

and I'm on a wheelchair

and I turn into a zombie,

I wouldn't be able

to operate my wheelchair.

Like, you know,

I mean, I think about

these things.

I think about going

to a bar and like,

you know,

going way over the limit

and I don't have

a designated driver

for my wheelchair.

Like, you know,

how does that work?

Like, you know.

So you're suggesting.

To be honest,

like, you know,

I go to like a pharmacy

in the U.S. Here it's all over the counter, I go to like a pharmacy in the U.S.

Here it's all over the counter prescription.

I go to a pharmacy in the U.S.

The first thing they hand me is like a pill, like a bottle full of pills.

And it says, don't operate heavy machinery.

I'm always operating heavy machinery.

Like, you know, what are you supposed to do?

You know, it's shit like that.

Like, you know, it's funny.

It's it's I want people to laugh at the disabled and not in a bad way.

You know, it's I think you want them to laugh. You want them to laugh with the disabled and not in a bad way.
I think you want them to laugh with the disabled. Absolutely.
I understand you're taking a trip pretty soon. Where are you going? I'm going to the mountains.
I'm going to Idlewild. The mayor's a dog.
Did you know that? Okay. Mayor Max.
Way too much information.

Yeah. It's Mayor Max.

He's a dog.

That's okay.

Well, that's nice.

You're going to Idlewild.

It's great.

And you know what?

I'm thinking about hosting on Airbnb while I'm gone to help offset some of the cost of

the trip.

That's smart.

Hosting is a pretty cool and unique way to make some money back.

That's right.

And people can stay in my awesome apartment, which is full of great comic books.

I have a lot of cool figurines.

It's a great place to stay also.

Have you seen the movie 40-Year-Old Virgin?

No.

I should check it out sometime.

I think... stay in my awesome apartment, which is full of great comic books.
I have a lot of cool figurines. It's really, it's a great place to stay also.
Have you seen the movie 40 year old virgin? No. I should check it out sometime.
Okay. Sounds fun.
But you know what? It, you know, if you've got 2025 goals of like travel and stuff like that, this would fit very nicely into those goals, which is using Airbnb. That's right.
Because it's more relaxing to take a trip when you know that you're making some cash on the other end. Exactly.
And it might make you a little more, I don't know, prone to spend a little more on your trip on yourself because you know that you're being responsible. That's right.
So don't leave money on the table when you travel. Your home might be worth more than you think it is.
Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. HBO's biggest series, The Last of Us, returns with a new season on Mac starring Pedro Pascal and Bella Ramsey.
The show picks up five years after the events of the first season as Joel and Ellie are drawn into conflict with each other in a world even more dangerous and unpredictable than the one they left behind. CNN calls The Last of Us exquisite, fully realized, and worthy of the hype.
And The Daily Beast calls it a riveting and suspenseful triumph. I did really like the first season.
Based on the groundbreaking video game, the Emmy-winning HBO original series, The Last of Us, premieres Sunday, April 13th at 9 p.m. on Max.
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Eat Sonic. I'm curious.
You said that you're, you spend a lot of time. You, obviously you're very well versed in cinema.
What about video games? Do you like video games? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I grew up on video games.
Like, you know, like I said, if you are like on a wheelchair, there's not a lot of outdoorsy stuff that you can do, though. I like give it a shot a shot.
But yeah, video games like were introduced to me at a very young age from the old Atari system, playing Pong with that big joystick thingy, you know, then moving on to like knockoffs. We didn't get like American game consoles.
They have ripoffs of popular video games in India. They still proliferate the markets here in Mumbai.
Like you get ripoffs of every known console ever. But they've got these funny Chinese names like the Nintendo NES used to be called the Samurai system like, you know, for some reason.
Do they have a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto? There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA, Grand Theft Auto, and they've taken all the tanned players from like the non-NPC characters, the non-playing characters who are all having tans and they're put into the Indian version of the game. So every tanned NPC player has made it into the Indian version of GTA.
I think they just pulled this up. We've got a clip here.
Oh, we just, Eduardo is very fast. Eduardo was just able to find a clip.
This is the Indian version of Grand Theft Auto.

And you see what I mean?

There you go.

Oh my God.

Oh.

What?

Mario's in there.

Mario's in there.

They just.

Oh, multiple Mario.

Multiple.

I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's happening I don't know what's happening that was insane looking give them new credit it's still in the prototype prototype stage so it's still a pilot project I hope that's the prototype I've got some notes not me that was perfect yeah and so it And so it mostly involves rickshaws? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Grand Theft Auto doesn't involve cars. It involves rickshaws.
They haven't progressed beyond rickshaws yet, so. That's, wow.
But it's still called Grand Theft Auto. No, no, no.
It's got some Indian name. Oh, okay.
Yeah. It's a working title.
They still haven't figured out what to call it yet.

So you say you live with your mother and your father.

Tell me, what's your relationship like with your dad?

They are my caregivers, my best friends.

Nice.

I'm on first name basis with them in that sense.

They know everything about me and I know everything about them. that's so cool that you know your parents yeah they don't throw potatoes at me like you know okay all right this is now world famous that my parents were threw potatoes at each other yep no but uh like my dad has like he's never given hope he's loud.
And he always thinks that the cure right around the corner. And my dad is also my biggest wingman slash cock blocker.
Like, you know, like every. Wait, how is he a wingman slash cock blocker? I will tell you.
I will tell you how, Mr. Conan.
My father thinks that every woman I meet is an ideal mate for me. Like, you know, like he couldn't do better than this.
Like, you know, this is the one for him. And so the moment I strike a conversation, again, I'll give you a movie reference.
You've seen The Seventh Seal with the God of Death playing chess with that knight, right? The German surrealist film. Matt, you know about this, right? Yeah, the Inar Bergman film.
My dad suddenly randomly pops out of nowhere while I'm having a conversation. I'm like using my best lines on a woman at a bar, like asking her to turn me on and play with my joystick.
Like, you know, and I'm using like this very, very good. Oh yeah, that's a great line, Rusty.
I can't believe your dad stepped in and ruined it. I don't think.

You're telling a woman at a bar,

play with my joystick,

and then you're mad that your dad fucked it up?

Yeah.

I mean, can you think of a better line for somebody on a wheelchair

who's already had a few too many

and meets a very attractive woman

who has shown some promise to us?

Yes.

And my dad comes up

and then he rattles off all the assets I own

and how I could live independently and I make a pretty decent living and then I would make a great husband and I would, I'm absolutely capable of getting erections and like, you know, giving her as many kids as she wants. Oh boy.
Well, first of all, this is nothing my dad didn't say to my dates. He was constantly stepping into the room and saying, he can become erect.
It has happened. And then he would go back, he would retreat, and the door would shut.
It was like a little cuckoo clock. But he'd just float back.
Yeah, he'd float back. Erections are possible with the boy.
And then, whoo! That was the cuckoo of you get an erection twice a day. Yeah.
When the clock strikes. Yeah.
Wow. Well, it sounds like we have similar fathers.
They were built to embarrass us. Because, I mean, I wasn't.
Obviously, I was not in a wheelchair, but I had my own struggles. And my father was always coming in at just the worst time and saying the worst thing.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Well,

I think.

Were you playing with your joystick when that happened?

Oh,

okay.

Rusty,

please.

Rusty.

I was raised Catholic and we don't masturbate.

Yeah.

Let me see your palms.

Yeah.

Okay.

Rusty.

Rusty. Rusty.
I don't know what to do with you rusty i really don't i think uh i i but i you know what i have to say i am uh you've been dealt a difficult hand to say the least but good lord you have that again you have made uh you've just you've made this such a joyous experience you're really funny uh you have a great sense of humor. It sounds like you're having a good time.
And I applaud you. I really do.
I think you're a really impressive person. And it's very cool to know you.
It really is. It has been cool to know you for the last 30 years.
And if I can get to Mumbai i would happily uh ride around in a wheelchair with you side by side and if i can like you know make a few americans cripple and like bring them along on wheelchairs that would help with my other startup as well like i'm starting a startup called include trip.com it's like a travel startup for people with disabilities to come and visit india i want to show the world's a very cool idea. And also sounds like he could use a

new wingman. Yes.
Oh, and by the way,

I'm not a great wingman.

I'm not biased that way. Rusty,

I'm not a great wingman, but I'm a lot better

than your father. Okay?

I'm not going to... I'll take your

word for it when you're around here.

Alright, I can prove it. Well, Rusty,

it's so cool to talk to you.

It's such a pleasure. Yeah, such a pleasure to talk to you.
You made my day, my year, my decade since 1993, when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time. I always show up in porn.
I don't know why, but I got more fans who thought they were finding porn. They said more people typed in than what they did.
I guess they just typed in, I want to see a dick. And then I popped up.
No, no, no, no. It wasn't like that.
The first guy I saw was the late great Joel Goddard with like a young Korean guy by his side. Oh my God.
He was. Oh yeah.
He was awesome. I think Joel Goddard's still alive.
I think he is. Yeah, Joel Goddard's still alive.
I think he is. Let's not get it out there that he's dead because they might try and bury him.
Okay. The great, great Joel Goddard.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's still alive. That line from the first Godfather.
Preparation Edge by Preparation Edge, Raymond. Oh my God.
He's a super fan. Yeah.
Hey, Rusty. Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely. I'm so glad that you found me.
You were searching for porn porn but you found Conan O'Brien and that's the best way to find me and thrilled to have such a funny creative cool person be a fan ladies all mine ladies all mine yeah well I hope we and you guys are awesome too Sona, Matt, Aaron all you guys like you know like you made it worth like pushing through the pandemic oh thank you you made it worth my while and like you know yeah i mean i just put in this like you know everybody like asked me even during the pre-checks like you know how many times did you apply i said i just did it the once and if it was meant to be it was meant to be wow yeah that's so it was meant to. Rusty, I hope to meet you in person one day, but until then, be well.
Tell your father to knock it off and take good care of yourself. Long days, pleasant night, folks.
It was wonderful talking to all of you. Take care, Rusty.
Bye-bye. Take care.
Bye-bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
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