Grand Theft Rickshaw

Speaker 1 I'm sure a lot of you out there are plain Coca-Cola people, and that's respectable. Trust me, I'm one.
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Speaker 3 Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan?

Speaker 2 Visit teamcoco.com/slash call Conan.

Speaker 3 Okay, let's get started.

Speaker 2 Hello! Oh, hey, Rusty, I'd like to apologize.

Speaker 2 King Coco the Red. Yes! Podcast

Speaker 2 blunderer!

Speaker 1 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Freckled fiend,

Speaker 2 unholy prophet of the gods of mischief and men.

Speaker 2 What the hell is going on?

Speaker 2 Lady mosesian of casadenia mother of coyotes i love this intro thank you very much

Speaker 2 hello assaulted minions and henchmen

Speaker 2 and arom the nerd at what's up oh my god

Speaker 2 i have to know who are you

Speaker 2 who are you identify yourself sir immediately i am sir rusty rustamirani from Mumbai, India.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Your name is Rusty, and you live in Mumbai, India?

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 I don't think I would have guessed that, but I wouldn't have guessed anything.

Speaker 1 Nothing you said after that intro would make sense to me.

Speaker 2 From one cartoon character come to life to another, Madame. I would expect.

Speaker 1 Rusty, I love you already. I really do.
You seem like an amazing person.

Speaker 2 What a burst of energy and joy from Rusty.

Speaker 1 Rusty, tell us a little bit about.

Speaker 2 And it's only 1:30 a.m. at night, you know?

Speaker 2 Sorry about that. I'm not even caffeinated yet.
I'm not even caffeinated. So can you believe that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't want to see you on caffeine if this is you without.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Let me slow it down here for a second. Your name is Rusty.

Speaker 1 Rusty Irani, and you are from Mumbai, India. That's where you're talking to us from.

Speaker 2 And tell us a little bit about yourself, Rusty. Well, I'm from Mumbai, India.
I have,

Speaker 2 I'm born and brought up in India.

Speaker 2 The accent is a result of me having traveled to the U.S. since I was 13

Speaker 2 to find the cure for the disease that I suffer from. Say, I'm on a wheelchair.
I've been on a wheelchair all my life.

Speaker 2 I suffer from this progressive neurological condition called spinal muscular atrophy. It's SMA for short.

Speaker 2 It's got the world's most expensive drug right now, which I won't ever have access to because, you know, it's I don't fall under the compassionate user program.

Speaker 2 So it's a progressive disorder where my body doesn't make this protein that like helps my nerves to, you know, create more nerve cells to help my muscles grow. So, hence the atrophy bit.
And yeah,

Speaker 2 so as a kid,

Speaker 1 can I ask you quickly? So, you have this,

Speaker 1 you have this ailment

Speaker 1 disease. And

Speaker 1 are you, how do you get it?

Speaker 2 I could walk as a child

Speaker 2 and then I met with a bike accident at the age of nine. I go figure, like, you know, so yeah, met with a bike accident and I've been on a wheelchair for the last 35 years.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And I've like I've driven different wheelchairs like since then and i went to school here in mumbai and then i went went and studied english from a college here in mumbai i majored in english got my first degree in english and then i had this bug up my ass because i loved films and during the whole period of my convalescence as a kid my mom opened the whole world of cinema and books and because i could not speak as legibly and as articulately right now as i'm speaking with you guys here i i i used to only speak with the head nod and like speaking like this guy like all every typical Indian, how we usually tend to talk.

Speaker 2 And uh, so my mom opened like the whole world of books to me and like cinema. And cinema, that is not meant for like a nine-year-old.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, I was exposed to like all the Arnold Schwarzenegger stuff and all the Sylvester Stallone stuff because that's yeah, that stuff isn't meant for adults either.

Speaker 2 I'll be honest with you, Rasky. Exactly, you know what? I'm very impressed though, because I thought like all Americans spoke like Arnie, like, yeah, specifically, you know, like

Speaker 2 so you're walking around Mumbai as a kid,

Speaker 2 Everybody else,

Speaker 2 welcome to Mumbai.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 Rusty,

Speaker 1 first of all,

Speaker 1 I just love that clearly you've been wrestling with this progressive disease, but you have such

Speaker 1 a fantastic, I don't know,

Speaker 1 you have such a fantastic outlook. You're so funny.

Speaker 2 I'm not one of those disabled guys who shows up on like reality television with like an inspiration porn story. Like I'm like, I don't even have like those kind of stories.

Speaker 2 Like it's all my life, it's all about these Vakadu incidents that have been happening with me. Like, you know, it's like one crazy adventure after another.

Speaker 2 And like, I can't see myself sitting at home and like, you know, mooping about this shit, but I'd rather like, you know, joke about it and like, you know, crack a smile and like go on with life because.

Speaker 2 it's hilarious to me. Like, you know, I don't know how some disabled folk can like, you know, just make some kind of inspiration porn story out of their life.
And yeah,

Speaker 2 self-entitled pricks, but like, you know, me, I'm like different. So I'm, I like, you know, like just putting myself out there.
Yeah, yeah, you can laugh.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, I'm allowed to make these jokes. So

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 1 you have an amazing spirit and an amazing attitude, Rusty. And tell me, what's it like?

Speaker 2 What is it like

Speaker 1 to be

Speaker 1 someone who's in a wheelchair in Mumbai?

Speaker 1 What's that experience like?

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, they all think like I'm some kind of a, like you've been to Thailand, right? I mean, I saw the episode a little.

Speaker 2 So you remember all those tuk-tuks in Thailand, the small little rickshaw scooters? Bombay is full of those. So every rickshaw guy thinks I'm like some new competition in town.

Speaker 2 So the moment I step out of my home, either, either. And I'm a big guy.
I'm like almost like, you know, 56 inches across and I'm like six foot two.

Speaker 2 So I'm on this chair and everybody thinks I'm just out for a ride.

Speaker 2 The

Speaker 2 seriously creepy part about my disease is I don't look disabled.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, when I speak like this and when I'm like sitting with you guys here, you would not even realize like, you know, I'm like, I can hardly function in terms of like my motor skills and my ability to like, you know, even transfer myself.

Speaker 2 But when I'm out there, like from the local transportation buses to like guys on like the cows and the dogs, everybody like chases me. If someone's trying to run me off the road, it's mayhem.

Speaker 2 And Mumbai roads and Mumbai infrastructure is not even meant for like regular pedestrians. Let me tell you that.

Speaker 1 So they're not, because in the United States, there's a lot of rules and regulations about, as you know, because you visited here about wheelchair access.

Speaker 1 Yeah, wheelchair access and making sure that

Speaker 1 people that use wheelchairs.

Speaker 2 I'm sure you guys also know about this because if you've seen the documentary from Crip Camp, like, you know, you know, the kind of struggle the disabled guys in the U.S.

Speaker 2 had to go through to get the kind of

Speaker 2 facilities that he got. Exactly.

Speaker 2 It was like such a, like they actually went and like, you know, took over the town hall in san francisco you know i wish i could do that but nobody here would like even come to support me first of all i would not even be able to make it to the town hall here so like you know that would be like a challenge

Speaker 1 right right well it doesn't sound like it would be much good anyway to go to the town hall it doesn't sound like it'd be receptive so exactly so um what uh if i were to come to mumbai and you and i were to hang out together what would you want to do with me what would you what would we do together i the first thing i do is put you on a wheelchair like you know without causing you any bodily harm.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, we, we just, I mean, this, this, this big guy on a wheelchair and this other tall freak on the wheelchair, like in a funny game all over my body. Easy there, buddy.
Easy.

Speaker 2 I mean, have you seen the attitude of the Indians towards like any person with like pale skin? Like, you know, you would be like the star attraction here.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, like, I could pay, I could get money from people to just have you on the streets, like, like, going over ramps like evil can evil. Hey, this isn't a circus, Rusty.

Speaker 2 This sounds pretty good.

Speaker 2 you can't just say behold the conan whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa every time i try to get into my vehicle i have like an audience of 15 to 20 people like you know if i had charged them i could have earned enough to like you know pay for some medicine for my disease like you know like

Speaker 2 that's the first thing i'll do and the other thing i wanted to do is like you know i want to get all this pent up energy and all this pop culture like crap that's full of my like experiences all in my I want to start my own YouTube channel.

Speaker 2 I've already trademarked a name called Wheely Vision. Wheely Vision.
I don't think Wheely Vision. Yeah.
It's a channel by the disabled for the disabled, and it's got nothing to do with sad stories.

Speaker 2 It's all about one day dedicated to doing actual wheelchair reviews like you would do like a car

Speaker 2 review. But this sounds dedicated to doing

Speaker 2 a talk show.

Speaker 1 This sounds like a fun, cool channel.

Speaker 2 And it sounds like you've been nursing for a long time.

Speaker 1 It sounds like you would want to do a lot of comedy too.

Speaker 2 Oh, I mean, from everything from like a key and peel kind of like a skit comedy show where no holes burn like you know like like two blind guys having sex using dotted condoms where like the condoms are in braille so you get to learn new things as you're having sex okay i'm writing these ideas down

Speaker 2 blind guys using condoms with braille um this is and then like you know somebody with like a like a sign language interpreter going with a deaf guy for a singing competition and and it's the interpreter does the singing but the guy who's actually deaf and mute gets to win the prize because you know they'll like,

Speaker 2 So you're just

Speaker 1 sitting around thinking of this stuff.

Speaker 2 I think about, I wake up at night thinking, what if it's the next zombie

Speaker 2 like apocalypse and I'm on a wheelchair and I turn into a zombie? I won't be able to operate my wheelchair. Like, you know,

Speaker 2 I mean, I think about these things. I think about going to a bar and like, you know, going way over the limit and I don't have a designated driver for my wheelchair.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, how does that work? Like, you know? So you're suggesting. And to be honest, like, you know, I go to like a pharmacy in the US.
Here it's all over the counter prescription.

Speaker 2 I go to a pharmacy in the U.S., the first thing they hand me is like a pill, like a bottle full of pills, and it says, Don't operate heavy machinery.

Speaker 2 I'm always operating heavy machinery, like you know, what it's supposed to be, whatever.

Speaker 2 You know, it's shit like that. Like, you know, it's funny.
It's, it's, I want people to laugh at the disabled and not in a bad way. You know, it's, it's, it gets

Speaker 1 you want them to laugh with the disabled, yeah, absolutely.

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Speaker 1 When all of my extremities ended up on the same color, color, my body went into full spasm.

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Speaker 1 My arms turned to jelly and my spine broke in half.

Speaker 1 Finally, I fell slowly to the ground in frog pose. The torture was over.
If you're in basic shape and somewhat flexible, this is the game for you. Five stars.

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Hey, Sona, I heard you got a new car. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, David usually gives me a ride to work, but I'd love it if you...

Speaker 3 No, no, no, you're not. I'm sorry.
You're not allowed in my new car.

Speaker 3 My Palisade is my oasis. It's my happy place.
So you're not allowed in my past.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I made you.

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Speaker 2 You won't give me a ride?

Speaker 3 This is why I don't let you in my happy place because you talk about me walking around with a bucket on my head. Why would I let you into my personal oasis if this is the way you're going to talk?

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There are seating configurations for seven to eight passengers with available third-row power seats that recline plus available front and second row relaxation seats.

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Speaker 1 I was up half the night last night watching a World Series game. Yeah.
It was very exciting.

Speaker 1 I have to tell you, I don't care what your sport is, tailgates or watching parties or, you know, whatever, if you're watching High Lie,

Speaker 1 it doesn't matter. It is Miller time.
Miller Light is brewed with simple ingredients like malted barley for rich flavor and golden color.

Speaker 1 It's a taste you can depend on because Miller time is always a good time. I'm out there throwing the pig skin around.
I used to just throw pig skin. Really? Chunks of pig skin.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I never had a football. Where would you find the pig? Oh, I went to a farmer.
Oh, good. Yeah.
And the pig had fallen and it was shredded.

Speaker 2 Anyway, back to Miller Light.

Speaker 1 I was just hawking pig skin around. I like to raise a Miller Light in the air and celebrate a great pass,

Speaker 1 throwing chunks of pigskin around.

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Incredible. So anyway, Miller Light, great taste, 96 calories.

Speaker 1 Go to Merrill Light.com slash Conan to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Merrill Light pretty much anywhere they sell beer.

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Speaker 2 i'm curious you said that you're you spend a lot of time you obviously you're very well versed in cinema what about video games do you like video games oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i grew up on video games like you know like i said if you are like on a wheelchair there's not a lot of outdoorsy stuff that you can do though i like gave it a shot but yeah uh video games like were introduced to me at a very young age from the old atari system playing pong with that big joystick thingy you know then moving on to like knockoffs.

Speaker 2 We didn't get like American game consoles.

Speaker 2 They have rip-offs of popular video games in India. They still proliferate the markets here in Mumbai.
Like you get rip-offs of every known console ever. But they've got these funny Chinese names.

Speaker 2 Like the Nintendo NES used to be called the Samurai system, like, you know, for some reason.

Speaker 1 Do they have a knockoff of Grand Theft Auto?

Speaker 2 There is one being developed right now in India where they've taken all the old versions of GTA, Grand Theft Auto, and they've taken all the tanned players from like the non-NPC characters, the non-playing characters who are all having tans, and they're put into the Indian version of the game.

Speaker 2 So every tanned NPC player has made it into the Indian version of GTA. I think they just pulled this up.
We've got a clip here.

Speaker 1 Oh, we just went, Eduardo. Eduardo is very fast.
Eduardo was just able to find a clip.

Speaker 1 This is the

Speaker 1 Indian version of Grand Theft Auto.

Speaker 2 And you see what I mean?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 what? What? Mario's in there.

Speaker 1 Mario's in there.

Speaker 2 They just beat.

Speaker 2 Oh, multiple Mario. Multiple.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got a lot of people. I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 1 I don't know what's happening.

Speaker 2 That was insane.

Speaker 2 It's still in the prototype state. So

Speaker 2 it's still a pilot project.

Speaker 2 I hope that's the prototype.

Speaker 3 I've got some notes.

Speaker 2 You have notes? Not me. That was perfect.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I got it. So it all involves.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 it mostly involves rickshaws.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Grand Theft Auto doesn't involve cars.

Speaker 2 It involves rickshaws. They haven't progressed beyond rickshaws yet.
So

Speaker 2 it's still called Grand Theft Auto.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. It's got some Indian name.

Speaker 2 It's a working title. They still haven't figured out what to call it yet.

Speaker 1 So you say you live with your mother and your father. Tell me, what's your relationship like with your dad?

Speaker 2 They are my

Speaker 2 caregivers, my best friends. Like, you know,

Speaker 2 I'm like on a first-name basis with them in that sense. Like, you know, they know everything about me.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 That's so cool that you know your parents.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They don't throw potatoes at me. Like, you know, like, okay, all right.

Speaker 1 This is now world famous that my parents would throw potatoes at each other.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 No, but

Speaker 2 like my dad has like he's never given hope.

Speaker 2 hope he's now he's 72 and he always thinks there's a cure right around the corner and my dad is also my biggest wingman slash cock blocker like you know like every every

Speaker 2 how is he a wingman slash cock blocker

Speaker 2 i will tell you

Speaker 2 mr colonan

Speaker 2 my father thinks that every woman i meet is then ideal mate for me like you know like he couldn't do better than this like you know this is the one for him and so the moment i strike a conversation again i'll I'll give you a movie reference.

Speaker 2 You've seen the seventh seal with the God of Death playing chess with that night, right? The German surrealist film, Matt, you know about this, right? Yeah, the Energy film.

Speaker 2 My dad, my dad suddenly randomly pops out of nowhere while I'm having a conversation. I'm like using my best lines on a woman at a bar, like asking her to turn me on and play with my joystick.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, and I'm using like this.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's a great line, Rusty.

Speaker 1 I can't believe your dad stepped in and ruined it.

Speaker 2 I don't think

Speaker 1 so. You're telling a woman at a bar, play with my joystick, and then you're mad that your dad fucked it up.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, can you think of a better line for somebody on a wheelchair who's already like had like a few too many and like meets a very attractive woman who like has shown some promise towards towards him?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 And my dad comes up and then he rattles off like all the assets I own and that how I could live independently and I make a pretty decent living and then I would make a great husband and I would, I'm absolutely capable of getting erections and, like, you know, giving her as many kids as she wants.

Speaker 2 So, okay.

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, this is nothing my dad didn't say to my dates.

Speaker 1 He was constantly stepping into the room and saying, He can become erect.

Speaker 2 It has happened.

Speaker 1 And then he would go back, he would retreat, and the door would shut.

Speaker 2 It was like a little cuckoo clock.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, he'd float back.

Speaker 2 Erections are possible with the boy. And then

Speaker 2 that was the cuckoo of you get on an erection twice a day. Yeah.
And the clock strikes.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow. Well, it sounds like we have similar fathers.
They were built to embarrass us.

Speaker 1 Because, I mean, I wasn't, obviously, I was not in a wheelchair, but I had my own struggles. And my father was always coming in at just the worst time and saying the worst thing.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 I think.

Speaker 2 Were you playing with your joystick when that happened?

Speaker 2 okay. Rusty, please.

Speaker 3 Rusty.

Speaker 1 I was raised Catholic and we don't masturbate.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me see your palms. Yeah.
Okay, Rusty.

Speaker 2 Rusty,

Speaker 1 Rusty, I don't know what to do with you, Rusty. I really don't.

Speaker 2 I think,

Speaker 1 but I, you know what I have to say? I am,

Speaker 1 you've been dealt a difficult hand, to say the least.

Speaker 2 But good Lord, you have

Speaker 1 you have made,

Speaker 1 you've just, you've made this this such a joyous experience. You're really funny.
You have a great sense of humor. It sounds like you're having a good time.
And I applaud you. I really do.

Speaker 1 I think you're a really impressive person. And it's very cool to know you.
It really is.

Speaker 2 It has been cool to know you for the last 30 years.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 if I can get to Mumbai, I would happily ride around in a wheelchair with you side by side.

Speaker 2 And if I can make a few Americans cripple and bring them along on wheelchairs, that would help with my other startup as well. Like, you know, I'm starting a startup called include trip.com.

Speaker 2 It's like a travel startup for people with disabilities to come and visit India. I want to show the world that I'm going to be doing.
That's a very cool idea.

Speaker 1 And also, it sounds like he could use a new wingman. Yes.
Oh, and by the way,

Speaker 2 I'm not a great wingman. I'm not biased that way.

Speaker 1 Rusty, I'm not a great wingman, but I'm a lot better than your father.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to. I'll take your word for it when you're around here.

Speaker 1 All right. I can prove it.

Speaker 1 Well, Rusty, it's so cool to talk to you.

Speaker 2 And such a pleasure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, such a pleasure to talk to you.

Speaker 2 You made my day, my year, my decade

Speaker 2 since 1993 when I was channel surfing for porn and came across you for the first time. I always show up in porn.
I don't know why, but I got more fans who thought they were finding porn.

Speaker 1 They said more people typed in than what they did. I guess they just typed in, I want to see a dick.
And then I popped up.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. It wasn't like that.
The first guy I saw was the late, late, great Joel Goddard with like a young Korean guy by his side. Oh my god.
He was. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 He was.

Speaker 2 I think Joel Goddard's still alive.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Joel Goddard's still alive. I think he is.

Speaker 1 Let's not get it out there that he's dead because they might try and bury him.

Speaker 2 The late, the great, great Joel Goddard, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, he's still, he's still alive.

Speaker 2 Godfather, the first Godfather. Preparation H, by Preparation H, Raymond, and like oh my god, the super fan.

Speaker 1 Yeah, hey, Rusty,

Speaker 2 absolutely.

Speaker 1 I'm so glad that you found me. You were searching for porn, but you found Conan O'Brien, and that's the best way to find me.
And

Speaker 1 thrilled to have such a funny, creative, cool person be a fan.

Speaker 2 Play is all mine, Conan. Play is all mine.
Yeah. Well, I hope we.
And you guys are awesome too. Sona, Matt, Aaron, all you guys.
Like, you know, like, you made it worth pushing through the pandemic.

Speaker 2 You absolutely did. You made it worth my while.
And, like, you know, yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I just put in this, like, you know, know, everybody like asked me even during the pre-checks, like, you know, how many times did you apply? I said, I just did it the once.

Speaker 2 And if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. And yeah, that's so cool.
It was meant to be.

Speaker 1 So, Rusty, I hope to meet you in person one day. But until then, same here, Conan.
Be well. Tell your father to knock it off

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 1 take good care of yourself.

Speaker 2 Long day is a pleasant night, folks. It was wonderful talking to all of you.
Take care, I have a lovely, lovely, lovely. All right, take care.
Bye-bye.

Speaker 4 Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gorley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.

Speaker 4 Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Speaker 4 Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.
Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez.

Speaker 4 You'll get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at seriousxm.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.

Speaker 3 Hey, weirdos, I'm Elena, and I'm Ash, and we are the hosts of Morbid Podcast. Each week, we dive into the dark and fascinating world of true crime, spooky history, and the unexplained.

Speaker 3 From infamous killers and unsolved mysteries to haunted places and strange legends, we cover it all with research, empathy, humor, and a few creative expletives.

Speaker 3 It's smart, it's spooky, and it's just the right amount of weird. Two new episodes drop every week and there's even a bonus once a month.
Find us wherever you listen to podcasts.

Speaker 2 Yay! Woo!

Speaker 2 Now's the time to start your next adventure behind the wheel of an exciting new Toyota hybrid.

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Speaker 2 Every new Toyota hybrid comes with Toyota Care, two-year complementary scheduled maintenance, an exclusive hybrid battery warranty, and Toyota's legendary quality and reliability.

Speaker 2 Visit your local Toyota dealer today, Toyota. Let's go places.
See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details.